688 - Tackling Tough Taboo Topics… (Discussing Earnings, Kissing Cousins, & More Awkwardness)

24:32How would a laptop powered by Snapdragon have helped you at uni? Well, if my PC was powered by Snapdragon, it'd be built for lectures, side projects, study sessions, streaming, and I'd never have to worry about charge. And with Snapdragon performance, you can stay on top of every assignment, project and deadline. But sadly, it can't help you with all the people that rejected you during Freshers Week, Stevie. If you're heading back to uni, learn more about PCs powered by Snapdragon. Battery life varies significantly with device settings, usage and other factors. Please visit snapdragon.com slash claims for further information.

25:11Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyers rejoice. I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyers rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for$15 a month is back.

25:48so I thought it would be fun if we made$15 bills but it turns out that's very illegal so there goes my big idea for the commercial give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch up front payment of$45 for 3 months $90 for 6 months or$180 for 12 month plan required$15 per month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy see terms I see you Avatar Fire and Ash is now streaming on Disney Plus it's the film critics are calling the best avatar yet a true epic and completely jaw-dropping this is the only pure thing in this world return to pandora on disney plus it will be an adventure for the whole fam and watch the oscar-winning phenomenon at home this is sick avatar fire and ash now streaming on disney plus rated pg-13 let's go the opposite way i added this because i feel this way okay why do we feel embarrassed about getting a bargain i don't know you might not feel the same way no i feel so i want to tell everyone when i get a bug no okay okay so maybe my if it's like a pair of shoes and i get some mad discount on it happy you mean bartering i no no i wouldn't that i mean if i get a voucher through that's like 50 off at bella italia and i get there i have never felt more uncomfortable saying to the waiter like i've got this oh that yes i hate that so how uncomfortable What problem is that?

27:16Yeah. You openly just go and I'm only here because I'm not paying full price. I really hate that. I had it. I really hate that. I had it at a restaurant where they did this deal for a while and I went in for the deal because I wouldn't have gone there if it wasn't for the deal. So the deals worked for what they want. Yeah. And we overheard two of the waiters complaining about it. Saying what? Like saying how annoyed they were that it was so busy because the deal's on and it's made their lives more stressful. Yeah, but that's... Which then made me feel like, oh, I'm so sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no.

27:46I can take this one because I used to be a waiter. We'd moan about anything, mate. So do you not feel uncomfortable using a voucher somewhere? Nah. Like to a human, online and stuff, easy, obviously. But when you're handing that to her, I don't know. I just naturally feel like they're looking at me like, I don't know. You're what? Like you're trying to get... Yeah, I'm not affecting that person at all. But there is just that little thing inside me going like, I don't know. I hate it. What is it they think I can't afford a meal? No, I don't know. I don't know what it is. Mine is literally just the act of asking.

28:22I don't like even ordering my food. I'm just like, I don't like this. What? That's a whole different... Are you all right? Just talking to... Humans. Yeah. Just talking to the waiters and that. I hate being like... But you must have to eat out quite often with away days and stuff. All the time. Do you just get Ellis to order for you? Yeah, on the app. No, I can order. I'm 30 years old nearly, Steve. I can order my own meal, but I just don't like... I love it when there's an app. Yeah. That's why spoons is brilliant. Because I sometimes... I also don't like being like, oh, can I have the fish and chips?

28:58But instead of chips, can I have sweet potato chips? I don't like doing that. No. And I feel like they're going, fuck's sake, I've got to write sweet potato chips. Do you remember when we went for a meal not so long back, maybe like a year ago, and I got that bolognese, but I asked, put chicken in it? Yes, that was weird. Wasn't that weird? Because you didn't know what bolognese was. What? Because he went, oh, it's beef, it's mince and chicken I've got now. I was like, I want... How did they give you the chicken? So what I wanted, right, I wanted the spaghetti, the tomato sauce, and chicken, chopped up chicken in it.

29:34So you didn't want a bolognese, you wanted a pasta with... I imagine that's more of like a chicken milanese or something like that. Yeah. Right? Yeah. I knew what a bolognese is. I used to work in an Italian restaurant, but this is the difference. I thought bolognese was more of the sauce, the tomato sauce. I didn't know it was the actual beef. You wanted an Arabiato with chicken. That. Yeah. But I said, can I have a bolognese, please? I said, and can I have chicken? And she went, oh, okay. And then she left. And I said to Alfie and Ali, I was like, is that weird? Because she was acting like it was weird.

30:05And they both went, yeah, that's weird. I was like, no, I don't think it is. It's chicken, tomato, pasta. Brought it over. And it was bolognese, like with the beef in it, with chicken in it as well. How was the chicken? Was it sliced up? Was it just a chicken breast? I generally was like, he's taking Jimmy well serious. How did they do the chicken? Like mix it in? Yeah, like shredded chicken, drop it in. That is gross. It was horrible. That is so weird. It was horrible. Grilled chicken. It was so weird. It was horrible. On that, that's another thing. Feeling embarrassed about a bargain. I always apologise if I want to make any change to food at a restaurant.

30:36I always feel so bad. But I'm like, you're cooking it fresh anyway. And I'm not asking for a swap. Most of the time I'm just like, can I have no tomato? But for some reason I'm still like, I'm so sorry. But as well, you are paying for it. It's not going around someone's house and asking. Do you know what I mean? You're paying for it. Like my dad has a mentality of like, I'm paying for it. So I want it to be right. I want it. Yeah. Which is the right mentality. Whereas my mentality is this weird, like, I don't know. I'm putting you out by ordering. You just don't want to negatively affect someone else's day.

31:07Do you know what? I think this all boils down. And not to use like a modern wanky term, but we are all empaths. That's what they say, you know? Why am I that? Yeah, you are massively that. I am massively that. So let me ask you this. How do you feel? Picture the scene, right? This will tell me everything I need to know about you. You are, where are we? We are in sort of Sheffield, right? Shopping trip, right? Any city can be, right? Is it Sheffield though? I need to see it. Yeah, York. Why have you changed? We've gone all the way to York. Because he's been York, so he can picture it. He's been Sheffield.

31:39We literally did cross wires though. All right, don't matter. I'd rather York, actually. Yeah, York, right? You're walking about, and then you come across kind of like, it's Christmas time, right? A Christmas market, right? God, I'm not sure I'd be going there. This is Alfie. It's irrelevant. Right. Right? Christmas market. A bit grumpy because I've gone all that way. It's out to know you're loving it. Am I? You and Ali, coats on, scarves on, hot chockies. I love hot chockies. Yeah, now you're back in. You're walking around this market, right? There's stalls for cookies, stalls for jewellery, stalls for baubles, all this stuff.

32:11One's like a little indoor one. You go indoor, right? There's no one else in there. No one else in there. Lady in a corner. She's 65, 70 old, right? She's selling Christmas decorations that she's made herself, right? Fucking hell. Right? Poor sod. You have to buy one, don't you? How do you get out of that situation? You don't like them. You think they're shit. They're rank. But what are you going to do? I'd browse and go, these are incredible. these are incredible Shirley you make these you make these she goes yeah I did if you think they're so incredible why didn't you take advantage of my three for two offer I'm browsing Shirley so just let me have a browse because they are amazing I'll do four for two no one's bought any today it's four o 'clock huh it's four p.m.

33:00it's four p.m. yeah I've got a phone Shirley stop interrupting me I'm just going to browse I'm sorry I'm so sorry about that that's alright I was having flashbacks to my husband then He talks to me like that. What? Who's your husband? Oh, we're just going through a lot of trouble at the moment. Are you all right? No, he hits me. Right, well, I'm not going to buy one of these. Oh. Because I don't want to give money to an abuser. No, this is the only... I get to keep this money. Really? Yeah, I have a cleaning job as well that I do overnight. He takes half of that, but this is all my money. He takes half of that?

33:32Yeah. What does he do? He's a Premier League footballer. What club?

33:42why is a premier league footballer going out with a 70 year old woman yeah i'd buy one

33:54i went to a car boot for the first time in ages recently and even there i felt bad what do you call it a car boot i went to a car because i'm from narfolk i went up like going up to the stalls there i try and look from a distance if no one else was looking at stuff because i just felt so awkward going up going i want this i feel so bad so sad when i go in shops no one's in there i've bought shit i don't need before i bought a massive 5 kg bag of fish food once five kilogram bag of fish food you don't have fish this is way before i had a cat right what's the relevant cats don't eat fish food no no i mean like i went in a in a pet i didn't know it was a pet food store it was at a farm right okay and i went in and i was speaking to the man and he was fucking lovely, he was.

34:36And I was just like... He's fucking seen you a mile off, mate. He's seen you a mile off. He doesn't need your custom. Well, so he's just charmed you. Yeah, and he was telling me about all his products and I was like, oh, I'm fine, I'm all right. I didn't know it was a food... Yeah. Pet food store. Hold on, if he was telling you about all his products, surely you're aware now. What do you mean? You've just said he's telling you about all his products. I've gone in thinking, unless he was in here, there might be some cakes or some shit. It was all for animals. And then he was telling me about it all.

35:08And he said, we just had these in this morning. You got fish? And I went, yeah. Oh, that's bizarre. That's so weird. Just say no. And I bought a five kg bag. What'd you do with it? Still got it. It's in my cupboard in the kitchen. I'll send you a picture later. How long ago was that from? About four years ago. Be in it. What? Be in it. No, I might get fish one day. Don't keep the food for fish you might potentially get one day. Oh my God, you've jogged my memory though. of something horrific that's to do with this. At Stowe Fair, the samples, so there's these little stools taking a sample and then not buying the product.

35:42Oh, yeah. Oh, my. Yeah, that's horrific. Even though they're putting the samples out. Yeah. So I'd have this fudge. Yeah. And I'd go, oh, Ali, isn't that lovely? I'd go, we've got to come back. We've got to come back and get this before we go. They know you're never coming back. Yeah, I know. They know you're never coming back. I have to say it. I avoid them. Like, if people are holding, like, a thing of free stuff, I'll just buy a go-near. No, I take them all. Another pointless thing that I bought was I bought some fucking horrible gin off this bloke. That was one of them fair things. This was last autumn.

36:12And he was like, oh, I make these all myself, like in my distillery in Suffolk. I was like, brilliant. Tried one. It was like a sweet, chilly gin. And I was like, God, that is nice. I went, it's unusual. You always have to say it. You always have to get your point across. But nice, I ended up buying a bottle. How much was it? About 15 quid. But that sits on my shelf. Get rid of this stuff. I need to. I need to. Okay, shall we go away from money and whatnot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like this though. This is so fun. This is another one from the original poster. This is more on the unusual side. Yeah.

36:49Is it a crime to notice a relative is good looking if you never act on it? It's all saying in brackets Norwich thing. Where is the line? Sister, cousin? Act on it is... Mental. that's an insane sentence kiwi what is it kiwi dealer kiwi dealer i can say my mum looks pretty today and not think would you say for it no so there's an insane question to ask me because oh i'm not can you imagine i said yeah what do you think i'm gonna say can we say it no oh yes but then you found the line would you be offended if like and i weren't even trying to do like a laddie thing if i just said your mum's fit would you be offended how are you saying it like that no that was weird like can i do it genuinely yeah right all right i'm having a drink all right alf hello mate you're all right good to see you yeah i was thinking about your um wedding the other day brilliant day oh thank you yes the weather held out didn't i yeah it was beautiful day your mum looks um she looked lovely in that dress yes she did yes she did she's fit what?

37:57I can't hear your hands in your mouth oh she looked fit I can't hear you at all because your hands are in front of your mouth Stevie yeah

38:09you were there weren't you yeah oh you trying yeah his mum looked fit didn't she I'll go how he said it there I'll be like what? Stevie what the fuck how can I say it I'm not going to be angry let me say it in a way I've got to say that exact phrase but I'm going to say it in a way that I think you'll be alright of it yeah wow cool your mum on the day mate so fit that was so bad that was so terrible and you're shaking your head like you're really no stop all this stuff at the start like the wows and the four just say like the things i do to her no no um oh what a day that was elf yeah you've got a lovely family you have your mum on the day yeah what do you mean on the day on the day implies normally I'm trying to get my I'm trying to do on the day I'm trying to do it in a way that I'm trying to see if there's any acceptable way to say this in a jokey way this question's meant to be about your own your mum actually looked really fit that would not annoy me because you're sort of like it's colloquial you're being so sincere in these scenarios that it's fucking weird yeah because he's trying to say means it he's not trying to do it jokey your mum mate honestly you're doing it the same every time switch it up son oh god your wedding was brilliant mate and do you know what topped it off for me how fit your mum looked do you know what topped it off for me it's such a weird thing to say let's go back to your own family own family on say my sister would get i would say to my sister you look beautiful right not day to day on her wedding day or something yeah and i'm not saying never fit no stop asking me i will never say that to any of my family members the question does say where is the line and it's saying it the further away you go in terms of relation is what they're asking but also there is a line in the words used to think it but it does say is it a crime to notice a relative is good looking what about this you go out one night we're all single men right we go out one night on the town you meet a lovely lady woman of your dreams you fall in love with her you take her back to your house you mate right a couple weeks later she's coming around you've had a few dates few roasts she comes around she meets the family she meets your dad your dad goes holy shit that's my niece you've been dating and shagging your cousin what do you do just end it don't you your life what do you do that does happen i would i would you've been there i'd be pretty ticked off at myself for not working out you've been there you've already been there this is different jack you're asking a different weird question now i'm not i would cry my eyes out but then would you go back shower you go back no i wouldn't go back the damage has already been done yes but that's like saying you've spilt the milk and then you're just gonna spill loads more milk yeah stop spilling the milk yeah but the milk's already soiled so i don't care if i spill this milk anymore you fancy your cousin yeah if you crashed your car would you repeatedly crash it more because you've already crashed it once that's things that's things it's a bit nasty yeah yeah we don't need to doesn't need to my point is right what about this right so growing up right you go for an experimental phase for your sexuality nothing wrong with that right why are we going into this just answer the question no taboo subjects this is jack speaking right now not for us i'm asking you a question please respond in any way you see fit you go for an experimental stage you get a man a man penetrates you up the bum right right how old are you because you just said your childhood no no you're like 18 man bummed you man bummed you could have gone a bit older no you're 20 man bummed you fine right you realise I'm not into it 10 years later you are in a married married to a woman you're confident with your sexuality genie comes to you and goes you have to get bummed for 50 grand what the fuck are you going on about wait what no wait What is wrong with your brain?

42:36Wait, wait, wait. Here's the final question. You have to get bummed. Wait, here's the final... You don't have to then, do you? Here's the final thing, right? Oh, you're on your arse. You need some money, right? So Genie goes, I'll give you 50 grand, but you have to get bummed, right? Is it easier... That's not how Genie's... I'll come to you with a fucking... Wait! Is it easier to what? Is it easier to go back to the fella that bummed you all them years ago and go, bum me again, son? or get a new person to ban you. It'd be easier just to go to the... What the fuck has that got to do with anything?

43:12I don't understand why you've just asked that. What the fuck are you on about? Oh, so you're married. What? What's that got to do with fancying your cousin?

43:27I don't care what the fuck... No, I wouldn't fucking shag my sister. That's not the question. I was convinced that was going to become relevant at some point. It just never did. Oh, God. I got my point across. Is it a crime to know as a relative's good looking? I would never, ever sexualise my name. This is the question. Would you go out with, I don't know, like your mum's fifth cousin twice removed? Yeah, easy. Okay. Not a problem. Your second cousin? No. third what is that what a third cousin your third cousin I don't know how it works google it let's find out how incest we are I just think there's a certain I think your second cousin's your mum's cousin we're all cousins in a way aren't we that sounds like a man trying to convince himself that it's okay that he wants to sleep with his relatives I don't I don't have any relatives that are attractive A third cousin is a relative who shares a common set of great, great grandparents.

44:37Oh, easy. So you go out and make love. To a third cousin, yeah. Easy. What's a second cousin? Sorry. Just be great grandparents. I'm saying it how it is here. People are going to go, that's weird. If you went out, picture this, listeners. You go out on a night out. You meet someone. You fall in love with them. This works both ways. Always, right? You take them home. You shag them. You find out six months later that you both have the same great, great, great grandparents. That's just two greats. All right. Great, great grandparents. Doesn't make a difference, does it? I wouldn't have kids with them.

45:11I would not do it. I would not do it. And I want that on the bloody record, mate. I wouldn't go my eighth cousin, my 23rd cousin. No, you wouldn't. I wouldn't do it. Ali probably is your 23rd cousin, mate. I don't want to know. I don't want to find that out. There's not that many stems in a family tree. What would you do if you found that out? What? Ali's your 23rd cousin. Yeah, what would you do? You go on, who do you think you are? She goes, oh, she's your 23rd cousin. 22 removed. Oh, I'd fucking carry on. There he is. Third cousin, I would be like, fuck this. What if you both found out you had the same great-great-grandparents?

45:47Yeah, fuck that. So great-great-grandparents would have probably died in 1980. What? Your great-great-grandparents. wouldn't have died then would they yeah well my great nan died in like 2000 so i'd be shocked if her mom died 120 years earlier don't make this weird for me don't make this weird for me move on okay imagine you're just going to the same barbecue your great great nan's funeral and you've gone together yeah i mean i'm not saying i want to do it i'm just saying it's not as if me and ali are related we're gonna have to have words yeah have you had of the identical twin theory have you been going around tiktok recently no right so we can all agree right shagging your fucking sister shagging your cousin wrong okay i'm glad we agreed on that that goes without say right because because one they're in your they're in your family but also there's a power dynamic there right i saw this guy on tiktok and i'm saying that what about if you have an identical twin so there's another one of me yeah we look the same with the same age we like both boys Yeah.

46:56Could you just fuck each other? Why? Why is your algorithm... And I'll be honest, the way you talk about this, it's all very like you're intrigued. I'm not intrigued! I never get, can you shag your identical twin on TikTok? It just came out. Mate, what's the theory? Yeah, because it's serving you what you want. What's the theory? He was basically, what, I don't want to fuck myself as an identical twin, do I? That's not you, though. Nor do I have any cousins I'm remotely attracted to. The fact you're having to do these disclaimers is weird. I just think if you meet the woman of your dreams and you find out that you both had the same great, great grandparents, you're probably not that hard.

47:37What about the same great grandparents? No. What if you found out? You're weirdly drawing the line as well. What if you found out before? Well, do you know what? My great grandmother, right, died 20 years ago, 90 years old, right? So I now struggle to even imagine who the fuck her mum was. Yeah. So I'm not saying, I've never thought about this for more than a second, but I'm just saying, once the family tree breaks off so many roots, why are you that arse? I know someone genuinely growing up who married their cousin. Weird. Fucking weird. But if it was your cousin three times removed or whatever, it's not that weird.

48:17But would you do it if you knew in advance? So say you go to your great-nans funeral. Oh, no, no, no, no, Stevie. I'm not going to fucking go to a family barbecue and go, you're fit. I'm your cousin. You're coming back with me. I'm a family trio. I think that's just about far away. I'm just saying there's got to be a certain amount where if that happened organically and then you found out after the facts, you'd go, oh, is it that bad? Third cousin is your life. Third cousin. Let's say that. I don't even know what it means. Okay, fine. Next one. Good to know. Good to know. What is the point in doing ourselves like this for a fucking podcast?

48:54You're going to get so much shit. These last couple of questions, Jack's just gone down such a weird route. So passionate. You're so passionate about it. You're fucking getting married. It doesn't matter. Just say the thing you think is less weird. Because I thought we're doing a honest... We're tackling the truth. Yeah, don't say the thing you think is less... Say the honest answer. Okay, fine. Honestly, no. But don't ask if we'd fuck our brothers. I didn't. What was that weird genie tangent? I don't even want to go there. All right, I feel weird now. The next one is, why do we treat all intrusive thoughts like secret guilty actions?

49:35I don't. I used to, but I don't. Intrusive thoughts are weird, aren't they? Yeah. I think everybody gets them, though, don't they? Yeah, I think it's... I think growing up, you think that every thought that enters your brain is something you desire or you want to do. Like we've spoken about it before, you're on the tube, you see someone, you think I could push them on the tracks right now. You equally think I could jump on the tracks right now. Growing up, you think, why the fuck have I thought that? Am I a bad person? As you get older, you realise that thoughts are more like dreams. they're more like random chemical fucking patterns in your brain that give you these unplausible outcomes that aren't even anything you want to do yeah it's hard to not believe it though sometimes isn't it well i think intrusive thoughts are called intrusive for a reason you don't they're not nice but then how do you define if you want to do it or not yeah if you have that thought about pushing someone on the tracks and you have desire behind it maybe have a think i guess if it's just a nasty like oh what the fuck that's horrible yeah i used to think my intrusive thoughts were real thoughts that i am making happen myself when they're not you're not really doing it yourself do you know what i mean yeah it's it's un it's subconscious like it's It's so weird though, isn't it?

50:59I had a fucking horrible dream. This is not even funny, but I had a horrible dream the other night. He's going to laugh now. Yeah, because now I'm thinking, why is he telling us about a serious traumatic dream? Hopefully this actually links in. Five minutes after the whole... You made that section weird. Oh my God. It was you, mate. I was so down the line on that whole section. Go on. Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for$15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made$15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal.

51:39So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three months, $90 for six months, or$180 for 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. See terms. I see you. Avatar Fire and Ash is now streaming on Disney+. It's the film critics are calling the best Avatar yet. A true epic and completely jaw-dropping. This is the only purest thing in this world. Return to Pandora on Disney+. It will be an adventure for the whole family.

52:12And watch the Oscar-winning phenomenon at home. This is sick! Avatar Fire and Ash, now streaming on Disney+. Rated PG-13. This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome? That's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required compatibility and availability varies 18+.

52:49I had a dream, and it was like, you know sometimes when you have a dream and it's like in a place you've never been and you're floating and you've got six arms or whatever yeah this one happened in in reality for me do you know what i mean like it could it was like everything was plausible it was at my nan's house it was my cousin who the one who lives in australia right no no no no and uh i went in the into the living room he came down upon my cousin for 50 grand anyway i bought bmw you no um and uh he said and i told him this i woke up and said mate i just had this dream he said oh i've got a secret to tell you i went in the this is horrible by the way trigger warning pedos and uh i said what's up and he said i sound like you're doing a trigger warning for pedos long story short he told me he was a pedophile i said that's not race my cousin oh my god and i thought this was real and i went okay i was like all right we'll tackle this we'll work this out i then left the room and i called the police right yeah and went back in the room said mate i've called the police he's crying he's trembling right i felt bad for him then there's a bit in the brain going fucking hell why am i feeling bad he's a fucking nonce and then so i went i said right i'm gonna take you to the police car grab his grab his taking him because the police car for some reason my nan lives on a hill right and the police car wouldn't come up the hill don't make sense it's a dream right yeah so i go don't run please don't run and he's crying begging me and then i and i get him by the arm walk out and he just sprints off and i lose him so i'm at fault for one grass and i'm a cousin but two letting a pedo back out in the wild and there's a park at the top of my nan's hill so god knows what happened in the sequel but i just i woke up and thought what the fuck has my brain done that for as a younger person i would have thought that's a premonition that's a sign let's get his hard drive check okay now i'm just like just a dream don't matter and that's what intrusive thoughts are good on you mate for what letting him go letting it no just wash over me yeah yeah i think it's different when it's a dream though when it happens in the real world it's harder in it yeah i don't know if i said on here but i've spoken about it before but when i was driving it took me ages to finally do my test because i stopped driving for about a year because when i finally got to the bit where i was driving on a roads i'd be going 70 and i'd just constantly think i'm gonna just crash into that barrier on purpose yeah i just go into my head and then i got so in my head about it i was like i can't pass a test right now because if i'm having these thoughts of isaac in the car yeah so i just stopped driving for a year and then picked it back up once i was like okay i'm fine again and you don't think about that now no right but it was just like it got so in my head every time i got in that car and i think it's because i was then thinking about it every time i got back in the car with the instructor obviously wouldn't tell her that but like and it wasn't like just the barriers next to me it would be like as you're coming off a slip road you know you can just go straight i could i I was just going, I'm just going to crash into that.

55:36Yeah. But I never wanted to do it. No. But it was every time I got in a car. So I had to stop driving. There's times when I'm on a plane and I think I just want to stand up and shout, I've got a bomb. So that's weird. You want to. My brain tells me I want to. Because I think, imagine the chaos. So you don't want to have the bomb, though. You just want to cause shit. No, I just think that would cause so much havoc. Yeah. But then I think, why the fuck am I thinking that? I don't want to ruin anyone's day or scare anyone like that. It's weird you have the ability, though, isn't it? Yeah. It's almost like I could, if I wanted to, do this.

56:07Yeah. My mate interviewed Aguero once, and he messaged me after, a voice note, and he said the whole time I was... This is when he was playing for City as well, banging in goals. He said the whole time I was interviewing him, he said I was just getting the weirdest intrusive thoughts. I said, what were you thinking? And he said, I could just absolutely punch him straight in the jaw as hard as I can right now, and I will forever be known as the guy that smacked Aguero in the mouth. And it's like, you don't want to do it, but you just think the possibilities are there aren't they yeah so i guess that's the difference between a psychopath would just do it yeah yeah do you think that weird weird link purely because you said the aguero thing can you remember the ball boy that hazard kicked have you seen all the news lately because he does he created au vodka didn't he and he sold off like 500 million i imagine so many ball boys have had that thought and that's not as intrusive but they're going i have the opportunity to fuck the game over a bit here and i could but no one will ever do it and then this one ball boy has done it.

57:03Obviously that's on a really low level. Streakers. Yeah. They've thought, it'd be funny if I get my tits out and run across that. I think that's all pre-placed. I don't think... Now they are. Now they are because the content creators. But back in the 80s, what are they doing it for apart from a five sentence paragraph on teletext? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Right, I'm going to be petrified of this episode coming out. Right, I think I'm having such a good time. The cousin stuff. The cousin stuff was weird, you know? Yeah. On to the next. It's really, really weird. Okay, what is one polite lie you tell every day just to keep the peace?

57:37I don't know if I... This is one of the suggested ones, I think. I don't think I have an answer. When I wake up and say, morning, beautiful, to Fee. It's already nasty. It's usually 1pm. It's not even morning. Oh, that's the lie. It's nasty. She's fucking ugly. I'm joking. She's having to defend herself. It's awful, that, actually. That was just so unnecessary. It would be so bad if I actually wrote that as well. Have you pre-planned an answer for this? that is what he's got notes I just noticed you've got notes what did you put under the cousin question? can you read that? what did he put under the cousin question?

58:14he genuinely wrote when I say morning beautiful to Fiona every morning no it's because it's usually he predicted how we were gonna he preempted how we'd react to the first bit he's written no in capitals that's really well delivered it's because it's usually 1pm it ain't morning plus she's really fucking ugly and then he wrote ha ha ha in quotations or no no I'm saying that's another option for the answer a lie I tell most days is ha ha ha ha ha on what's that okay what did he say for the cousin bit that's a great one that's a great one Jack wrote fucking disgusting you'd never catch me sexualising my nan so that's obviously the joke about his nan flicking on and off you should have done that this is ruining the magic that I come up with stuff yeah did it say anything about like it just says what if you fell in love with a woman nothing all the stuff about getting bummed 50 grand off the dome.

59:02Yeah. Wow. Yeah. All of it is apart from the joke about Manan and... Identical twin paradox you wrote. Yeah. So you wanted to make sure we knew about you're watching videos about bumming your twin brother. Can I just... Right. Sorry. Let's go back to it. Yeah. Okay. Let's go back to it. As long as you're sure you're not going to dig the hole further. I just want to ask one question. It is not something I've thought about, considered... We don't have a twin. It's not coming. if you had an identical twin your age your your same look like you you know what a twin is and they both went let's just fuck each other where's where is the harm it's mental it's disgusting it's rank it's weird but where is the harm but there's no harm in any of it technically you could go to your sister your cousins there's no harm yeah no Stevie so you're saying you shouldn't go to jail for that I'm saying like what on what like obviously if you fucking sleep with your sister, there's a power dynamic there.

59:58It's weird. It's incest. You will go to prison. If identical twins of the same gender do that, can they go to prison? Maybe that's a better question to ask. Can they go to prison? What do they go to prison for? On what charge? People are talking about this on TikTok. I saw some guy asking this question. Some of the listeners out there would have seen it as well. It makes me seem mental, but I saw it, and I thought, like he says, he goes, it's odd, it's disgusting, it's weird. He goes, but why is it? you can't you can't answer it you're still different people aren't you like it's you why does it matter that he's identical just because that takes away any potential power it takes an age thing out of it it takes a gender dynamic out of it it it removes a lot of the things that create a power imbalance so what do you want the answer to be you can't answer it you can't answer it i don't care they go this is fucking weird and if ever i heard this on a podcast You can't answer it, mate.

1:00:56I want to answer it. How about that? I'm going to move on to the next one. Why do we pretend to love gifts that we hate from people we love? Oh, boring. We're empaths. It is just to make sure they don't feel awful at receiving gifts. It's the shopkeeper thing again, isn't it? They're trying to do something nice for you. Why do you want to ruin that moment for them as well? I think the next one's really similar. What happens if we stop nodding along to boring stories? I don't think I do nod along to boring stories. I always go, this is what I say to the most boring story I've ever heard. Mad. Oh, fuck.

1:01:35Do you know what? Whenever you've done that, I've always sensed you're zoning out. Now I know. Stevie's got one of them. He'll just not listen to anything and at the end go, that's funny. And I'll go, weren't meant to be funny in any way, shape or form. that's a risky one that's a really risky one yeah so it's mad though isn't it mad yeah mad's risky where they tell you the most bland thing ever what would i go no way no way no way no way's good you know way a lot no way do you really yeah no way really do you do a different reaction to different people like is the more you like someone are you more likely to do a better fake reaction or if it's someone you're like i really don't want to listen to this I again find it hard to be I'm sort of like playing up to a bit of a character on here like on this pod in real life I am much more polite and understanding if someone comes up to me and they're boring the fucking life out of me because they clearly don't think they're boring when they're telling you this it will take me forever until I break that conversation up and I am zoned out hours before they've stopped do you know what the amount of times during the World Cup when I'd be watching England play in a tense moment and someone random will come up to me and it's lovely.

1:02:49Let's have a photo. Let's have a chat. That's fine. But then they talk and they talk and they talk and I'm like, how often are England going to be in a fucking World Cup semi-final, mate? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. What? You're right. You are right. Are you saying he sticks with it? I stick with it. I stick with it. I go, no way, really. Why are you bringing this up on yourself? No, no, it's fine. I'm intrigued to know because what you're telling us there, Dan. This episode is terrible PR for me. I'm just thinking of the poor lad that's come up to you in the game. Well, no one will know who it is, because there was a few of them.

1:03:20Yeah, but say there's ten, they're all going to go, oh, I went up to Jack in the semis. No, because there were some legends. Actually, some lads I sat next to during the World Cup gave me this top. That's nice. Yeah, and they were boring. They were fun. So you're kind of entertaining this conversation, even though you don't want to, because you've got a game on you. And I show I'm intrigued. Yeah, because you're not wanting to insult them and you're wanting to be polite. Surely then there's a flip side where what they're doing is rude. You're trying so hard not to be rude. Yeah, massively, massively.

1:03:55I've been at events before where I've met like my favourite person ever. John Kearns. I've met John Kearns. I've gone over and really like your stuff. Like the same as people do to me, fine. And I would stand there and talk to him for an hour about his stand-up if I could. But I thought it's not that I can't. That's not to say... I know I'm making it sound like I don't like people coming up to me. No, it's a scenario. You've put a very specific scenario. But there's a time and a place. I even get up, and I actually don't think people should do this, but when I'm out having food, like when you're eating food, people shouldn't go.

1:04:28But even when it happens, I understand that this is a rare occurrence for them. So I will get up from my seat and chat to everyone all the time. Do you know what? I was carrying my niece back along a beachfront once, and she was two years old, and she'd fallen asleep in my arms, and it was 10 o 'clock at night and some guy came over and asked me for a photo. And do you know what? I had the photo, I think. I can't remember. Maybe I didn't. I can't remember. I think it might have been the only time I've actually said no. I'm polite. I'm polite. I'm like, mate, I've got a baby, like a toddler. I can't.

1:04:58I think I did it. I can't quite remember. I'm sure I would have told this story on the pod before and probably said a more accurate account of it. But that's rude. That is rude. I'm sorry. That is rude. Yeah, I think that's fine to say. That is rude. But like on the flip side of that, the reason the guy sent these t-shirts is because they were standing up and could barely see anything and we let them come and sit at our table with us so you are I don't know how you were getting a wee out of that but fair enough didn't even speak to him I spoke to him before you did yeah I went oh there's a seat there boys come here now you're saying wee to get in on the good PR I need every bit of good PR I can have thank you I want to clear it up who did me it was you yeah why did you Steve is saying it's him I actually don't want to move on Jack was fucking his cousin and then went over to him.

1:05:43It was really weird. Okay, next question is, would you abandon a close friend for a million dollars cash? Pounds. Yeah. No, I wouldn't. A million dollars. Pounds. Let's do pounds. A million pounds. No, I can't. It depends who. Well, it's a close friend. Let's go for him. John Beer. No. Million quid in the bank today. You've just never got to speak to John Beer again for the next six years. No, I love doing the pod and stuff with John. Stevie White? No. Gibbs? No. Me? No. Ali's Cousins? Never met him, yeah, fuck off. Not fuck off, I'm sure you're lovely. But yes, a million pounds each, please. Be hard because you've slept with them, so then to pin them off would be difficult.

1:06:39I mean, wouldn't either... They're not my cousins, so... is it okay to sleep with your wife's cousins Robbie Knox no it can't it can't ruin something I'm doing okay so nothing work related and you don't know any of the names of my other friends so I'm out out of everyone who came to your stag is there anyone there yeah there'll be a few wouldn't there 5 or 6 7 maybe a couple leave it at that I don't know but it's like a million just like just maybe some no but then now I'm going through individually I'm like no but then there might just be maybe not the stag there's definitely people right on the but then they're not close mates no they're not close fringe friends don't count there's definitely people that like I've grown out of touch with that I'd be like yeah but are they not close mates because you've already done it naturally you've done half the work I don't know if I If I'm ever in a very sticky financial situation, I've been all my mates off for money.

1:07:45All of them? Yes. Ellis? If he's not employing me anymore? No. No, not my close, close mates, but I've been a lot of my mates off for money. Yeah. It's a lot of money as well. Not my best friends. Friends are more valuable to me than money. Yeah, not my best friends. I think it's easier to answer if you've got money, though. Yeah, which I do have. But I don't have too many close friends. That's what I'm saying. Put yourself in a financial, like... No, I would not get rid of, like, my best friends. Yeah. But I would get rid of my... Fringe friends. Just outside of that. Still close friends. Robbie.

1:08:25Of course I would. Would it be Robbie? Yeah. Of what? You're borderline, Steve. Yeah, you're gone, yeah. You're borderline. That's fair. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. Good honesty. Right, next one. Yeah. Cool, that was all. I was in the middle of that. It's not good at all Being lovely honest boys To each other No Did you get rid of me? My cousin just sent me a pic Should you The pedo What? The pedo one Look at you Forgot that you What's that one? No I didn't hear what you said I thought you said the bin day Okay Do you Oh Should you give a crap About someone doing a marathon If a friend ran one? If a friend does Yes It's an achievement isn't it In the same way That if a friend told me They ate 40 packets of walkers in an afternoon.

1:09:08I would be invested in that. That is impressive, isn't it? What's more impressive? Running a marathon because I could do 40 walkers. Do you think you could? Easy. I've done 15 back to back. How many cows in a bag? 200? 210? 210. So if you float 10, 2 ,000. That's 10 ,000 cows, Jack. Okay, we found a pack. I just want to say now. Way less. Oh, go on. Ready, salted. multi-pack 130 calories so that's 2600 times two 5 ,000 5 ,200 calories could do it easy could do it easy i could eat that in less than 30 seconds no no there's no speed get a timer out yeah i kind of feel like you have to i want swallow i want swallowed hold on hold on no no i can open them now open no hand in though don't i'm not gonna crush them Oh, he's making it easier for himself.

1:10:05I'm just opening the packet, mate. For audio listeners, I am so sorry about the next 30 seconds and even this little bit, but for 30 seconds, this is worth it. You just lift your thumb for grip. No, no, I had salt on it. Okay, ready? In three, two, one, go.

1:10:30He's done most of the bag and he's 12 seconds in. A lot of it's in his moustache. That is fucking ragged. Oh, he spat some on you, Alf. Oh my God, you've got eight seconds. What are you doing now? It's all in your moustache. You've got to deal with the pressure, mate. Deal with the crowd. You're not going to do it. 30 seconds. Done. Mate, your face is caked in it. It's such a big fit in your moustache. That soggy ball of... I'm going to be sick. Disgusting. That's good podcasting. That's disgusting, Jack. What? Don't make me laugh when I'm doing a challenge. Why are you licking your hands? Crisp's on it.

1:11:11Have you not had enough? Do you really need the crumbs from your hands as well? Could you do 40 of them? Yeah. It's barely touched the sides, mate. In 24 hours. Okay, fair enough. One more. What did I even prove? I don't know. You just randomly said I could do them in 30 seconds. There was no time limit in this. But say I did do that. That's two a minute. That didn't take me 20 minutes to do 40 baths. But only if you did it. You didn't. Oh, well, okay. I hate. It wasn't a time thing. It's so wet in there. It's been wet in my mouth, yeah. Yeah. It's where moisture is, mate. Why do I open it so wide so I can see it?

1:11:54When I'm doing a challenge, yeah. Next. Yeah, okay. Okay, so we all give a crap about friends doing achievements. What was that question? The marathon one. I don't think we've answered a single question just straight down the line. The marathon one. Right, let's finish this on answering it straight down the line. I care if my friends, I cared that you ran the 10K the other day. You know, enough for me to ask. I wonder how we got on. You haven't asked once. Have you not? I messaged you on Instagram. Oh, yeah, you did actually, sorry. about two minutes after you put it up yeah sorry you did I retract my assignment okay and the stuff about the cousin while I'm at it okay yeah it's just any achievement a stranger no I'm skip no but it does just say unless I get like a really good time should you give a crap about someone yeah a friend I think I don't care like if I see if I see like Chris Williamson run a marathon I could not give less of a shit no because that's not a friend what would be the line for a friend if they always did it like say you did a 10k an official 10k every single week oh no how many weeks before you're like i don't need to know no no i don't give a fuck mate it would be small talk how'd you go on this week yeah yeah because it becomes less of achievement the more you do it like do i message both of you and tell you every detail of every sunday league goal i score yeah i ask all right you put it in your notes i do ask as well Yeah, bad example.

1:13:24How's it been lately over the off-season? Dry. You said you've lost it. I've lost it. What, as in your ability? That's a bad patch. It's just a bad patch. You know when footballers talk about the moment they knew it was gone? It was gone. It was gone. Well, pre-season's shown you that. I had a fucking purple patch this time last year. Trust me. If you look like my last autumn and winter, when the season started last year, I was flying. That's still to come, though. Pre-season, I have been dog shit, mate. That's fine. Have you been playing other teams? Yeah. Yeah. I've lost 6-2. 6-2. 6-0. How did you play?

1:13:59Shit in two. Good in one. Played a lot of three balls to the strike. He couldn't finish his dinner. It's not my problem. So you haven't lost it. But two out of three were stinky. Move on. Sorry, mate. I've lost it. You ain't. I'm going to... Every time we do one of these, now the season's starting, I'm going away for a month, so I'm not going to be playing. But from October, write this in the notes, Fee. I want you boys to check in on me. I will. Any goals? You fucking bagging them for fun now. Yeah, but I'm not playing serious. I thought your wrist is bad. I got steroid injections in it. How's it feel?

1:14:29So good. Does it? Yeah. What do you mean get them? We don't have a problem with our wrists. Yeah, so I'm obviously meaning if anyone has it. Oh. I thought you were just telling you how to slow good get them. Right, let's finish this up because I've got a greasy mouth and I need to wash my face. Final question? Yeah. Let's do... We have to answer it seriously. Okay. Do people actually want advice or just validation? Validation. how often someone told a scenario to you and you answer what you think is the correct thing or that what is the correct thing in your brain for them to not react well to what you've said to them yeah i've asked people loads of stuff and they've gone well stop doing that and i've gone no actually i just want you to tell me that i can still do that but what about advice on something specific an example like um like i messaged kieran carlin about editing sometimes and i genuinely want to know well yeah i think this is more going that's more practical that's what i mean so practical advice yes but um like emotional emotional yeah you don't need validation there if i go oh i'm still struggling with um my testicles i don't want to touch them i really want you to go don't worry about it you're fine you're not gonna have cancer yeah when you go well when you actually go to the doctors and get that checked out i go shut up yeah i think no i I would ask advice though to, if I was like, yeah, maybe I want valid.

1:15:51So say I was really stressed about something and I come to you, I'm probably looking for you to minimize it for me, the situation. Does that mean they don't worry about it? Does that mean there's people in your life you'd purposefully not ask for advice because you know they're not going to tell you what you want to hear? Yeah. So you choose the people. Oh, really? Yeah. That's what I'm saying. like there's you'll go to people if someone's really logical but you don't want to I'm trying to get better at hearing it hearing the truth but I'm never going to Fiona oh god the boys have invited me on a night out and I've got so much work on what should I do am I because she's going well don't go out do the work I'm going you only live once though don't you you'll just mention it to the boys that have asked going oh I shouldn't and I go yeah come on then yeah yeah you do go to the people you want the answer from yeah there you go I've just been real without question as I have the whole way through.

1:16:45I guess it's if there's ever advice you need on something where you go into it knowing you want the hard truths. Yeah. Yeah. But even then, it's going to be hard to take. I'll shy away. I'm like a little armadillo. I'll bury my head in the sand. Thanks for listening. That was odd. That was an odd episode, wasn't it? I'm fucking not that. I am going to be having nightmares, not about my cousin, but about this episode coming out from now until release date. I haven't laughed so much on Happy Hour. That was making me laugh. You had genuine tears from your eyes. I was... Oh, that's brilliant. He's gross, isn't he?

1:17:22I hate that he carried on eating them. It's so gross.

1:17:31Jack Maite's Happy Hour. Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for$15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made$15 bills. But it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. See terms.

1:18:05I see you. Avatar Fire and Ash is now streaming on Disney+. It's the film critics are calling the best Avatar yet. A true epic and completely jaw-dropping. This is the only purest thing in this world. Return to Pandora on Disney+. It will be an adventure for the whole family. And watch the Oscar-winning phenomenon at home. This is sick! Avatar Fire and Ash, now streaming on Disney+. Rated PG-13.