"Any ICE Agents In!?" - Washington, USA

0:00Hey Chicago, class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up. It shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Crocs store today. Oh hello, I'm Jimmy Carr. Welcome to Jimmy Carr Crowdwork. Here's me with a crowd in Washington in June 2025. Any ICE agents in? That's what we call the episode. Hope it's fun. Missionary or doggy? Missionary or doggy? Well, you'll be thrilled to learn, sir, those are not the only two.

0:56What about being a comedian? the best part about being a comedian, I mean, work is more fun than fun. It's a glorious way to live your life. It's just fucking, I just think of jokes all day, and then I tell you people, it's fun. I'll tell you what it is. There's a lovely quote. I think it's George Bernard Shaw said it. We don't stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing. And if you think about... Oh, it's lovely. But if you think about what we're doing this evening, A fool might think I was the only one playing this evening. I'm playing this theatre. All of you are playing as well.

1:34Laughter and being in an audience is performative. So we're playing together. It's a conversation. It's fun. It's just a... You get me. What, sorry? You get me. Oh, baby, yes.

1:47It's the best kind of play. Ask your mum.

1:59Cats or dogs? Cats or dogs? Cats or dogs?

2:08Cats or dogs? You're a dog, madam.

2:17You keep setting them up, I'll keep knocking them over. I've got three dogs and two cats, so I guess dogs, but only by a small margin. And when I say I've got cats, I'm not a fucking weirdo. Obviously they're her cats, but I like them. What's something dumb that rich people understand? What's something dumb that rich people understand? I don't really understand that.

2:50I think the only insight that people with money have, that people without money have is that money won't... Here's the thing. Problems are not a bug. They're a feature. You won't have no problems when you have money. You'll just have different problems. And problems are thought of in the wrong way. People think of problems as problems. A problem just means something needs your attention. That's a good thing. All we have is time and attention. Give your attention. You'll be fine.

3:22Hang on, we need a dick joke. Go on. This guy will help. What's your money guarantee? What's your money guarantee? I don't know. I don't know where you're from, but I like you. Can I just double check, before I get your name, can I just check? There's no ICE agents in, are there? No one's... Can I just check, because I don't want to... I don't want to fuck it up for this. What's your name, sir? Sam. Sam. Where are you from, Sam? Lebanon. Lebanon. Oh. Keep a super low profile, dude. There's a guy that lives around the corner.

4:09And what do you do, sir, sleeper cell? What do you do?

4:14What do you do as a cover? What's your cover story? You run a... I run a music venue. You run a music venue, sure, sure. Good excuse to travel. There's big boxes. There's roadies. I mean, this guy's not fucking dumb. He goes, my name is Sam. He was born in the Lebanon, and his parents went, yeah, we're good to call him Sam. He said, traditional name.

4:44I mean I don't work for ice but even I'm thinking come on man

4:53what's the story of my Instagram puppet? I saw a film 20 years ago called Amelie and she sent postcards from around the world back to a friend and I just thought that was a nicer idea and it's an excuse to go out and see some fucking sights I mean it's very easy in Washington because there's quite a lot of sights. Obviously when you get to some other places you're like, eh, okay. Wandering around Detroit going, eh. They got nothing. They built cars to get away.

5:24That's what happened.

5:29Would you get your dick pierced? Would I get my dick pierced? There's a guy with a pierced dick. But for some reason, he wants us all to know he's had his dick pierced. I'll ask. The fuck's the matter with you?

5:54Why... Because the original was the Prince Albert, wasn't it? Because Prince Albert had such a long penis. You know Queen Victoria's husband? So he had a big old dick. So for horse riding he had it pierced to Prince Albert through the urethra so he could strap it to his leg with a little chain. Just so it wouldn't get in the way.

6:20Some of you look at me like you don't understand. Some of the ladies are looking at me like I'm listening.

6:29Yeah that's right I call my dick Richard. It's the longer form of dick. Have you had yours pierced? No, I have not. No. Okay. Madam, are you with this man? You are with him. Okay. Sir, I'll be honest with you. I think if you get anything pierced, it counts as having a dick pierced.

6:59Just get your ear done. You'll be fine. What do you do, my friend? I work for the federal government? Yes. All right, well, he's right there. Go on.

7:14I work for the federal government. I worked for the federal government. It's over, baby. Elon's fucked you. Hi, Jimmy. My husband and I are huge fans. Could you give him a shout-out? He just finished getting his doctorate. Ooh, and we're celebrating our anniversary. Those that laugh together last forever. Oh, that's a very nice phrasing. Those that laugh together last forever. I like this. So who's got their doctorate? Where are you? What's the doctorate in, my friend? Music education. Music education? Oh.

8:01Well, I'll say to you what I say to all professors of musicology. I'll have a cappuccino, please.

8:18Fucking excellent, though. Well done, you. Where'd you get the doctorate from? Liberty. Liberty.

8:28Dude, we want to be excited. Hey Chicago, class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up, it shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Crocs store today. I'm excited, but you're not helping. I know, I guess, happy anniversary! What about you? Good on you. Alright, what else we got? I had a baby. My dad is trying to decide his grandparent's name. Please help, baby's almost two years old.

9:19Okay, so who's had the baby? Hi. So you've had a baby, and the grandfather can't decide whether he wants to be Papa or... Grandpapa or Grey Poupon.

9:36What about, and it might be a bit sentimental, but what about if the kid calls his grandparent the inheritance?

9:52I think, what's he? Done, okay. Great. That was easier than I thought. I think maybe change the name every time you see him. And then just go, no, it's always been that.

10:10And then occasionally you just go, you're amazing and diehard.

10:19Actually, that's not bad. Has anyone got a relative suffering with dementia or Alzheimer's? Who's your view? You got one? Yeah. It's a heartbreaking thing, isn't it? It's very, very difficult to deal with. But we have dark senses of humour, so we get to live a little bit more. So next time you see them, just tell them they're Bruce Willis. Where's the harm? Where's the harm? What, sorry? Her mum? Yeah, well, that's going to be a tough one to explain. Mum, you're in Die Hard.

10:57Fuck it, she didn't know. Jimmy, I'm here tonight with a friend co-worker watching you instead of figuring out how to close a$1 million bid due tomorrow at the end of our fiscal year. Can you provide the best excuse possible to my boss tomorrow? No joke. Okay, where are you? I've got you. Where are you? What's your name, sir? Tony. Okay, Tony. Tony! What business is it?

11:32What's the name? Commercial construction. Okay.

11:42You could... Look, you're going to lose your job. Let's not. No, let's not.

11:50Maybe you could pivot. Have you considered maybe going back to school? Because I hear it's not impossible to go to Liberty and get a...

12:09It's their anniversary. It's their what anniversary? 26th. 26th anniversary. This is your 26th wife. You're an American hero, sir. What do you do for a living? That's an extraordinary bid. What do you do for a living? Santa. I play Santa. You play Santa? Yeah. Is that genuinely true? Generally true. It's genuinely true. I imagine you're not getting a lot of work in July, are you? I don't want to be a dick about it, but it feels quite seasonal. Christmas in July. What, sorry? Christmas in July. Christmas in July. Is that a thing? Yes. It's a fucking stupid thing.

12:57Christmas in July Jesus how can we spoil our children more well I've had an idea it's a magnificent beard so well don't you what sorry

13:12I don't know they do summer Halloween what what Oh, bit of good news, I imagine it's my second birthday. What the fuck are you people doing?

13:29What's your name? Half birthday. Half birthday. The fuck are you people talking about? Lunacy. I don't even know why you're here, you should be making toys.

13:48I'm a sparring filmmaker, but I have no real friends and I just go to concerts and meet celebrities. You have no... You're an aspiring filmmaker, but you have no real friends. I don't have friends. I just go to concerts and meet celebrities. Am I a future director or walking up in a room? No, you're all right. You'll be okay. How old are you? 29. 29. You haven't found your group yet, mate. That's all that's happened. People need to find their tribes. You can't beat your environment. You haven't found your people. So you just need to find your people, man. You're going to be all right. A lot of people have that.

14:20Don't worry. don't worry, you'll get there. It's not a race as well. People think they need to get it all done in their 20s because social media makes you... Comparison is the thief of joy. Compared to what? You've got your health and you aspire to what? Be a filmmaker? Well, that's aiming very high, right? Fucking tremendous. Good luck. Enjoy the journey.

14:47I would say my thing on friendship would be the same on romantic love, I'm going to go ahead and guess you're single.

14:57Yeah.