In short
Jimmy Carr Crowdwork in Crawley, England, mixing edgy crowd banter with crowd-control after a near-fight sparked by a talkative audience member; later segments include relationship, religion, and grief-themed Q&A, plus travel tips for a Luxembourg visitor.
Guests (crowd members featured)
Sean (a barber), John (a roofer), a social worker, an IT trainer, Benoit/Ben (French tax lawyer celebrating his 47th birthday), a woman sharing her first outing since her father’s suicide (dad Hugh), Tom and Harriet Smalley (new homeowners considering a first dog), Leon (from Luxembourg, visiting London), “Sid” and his wife (birthday tickets; she wants food), and multiple others including Harry and Charlotte (adult children) and their mother.
Key claims
enforce “society” rules to stop heckling; suicide pain can’t be removed, only redistributed; dog ownership makes a house a home; religion is a “blanket” over mystery; London advice includes Primrose Hill to King’s Cross via Camden.
Notable examples
nearly ejecting the heckler; “don’t get stabbed” for London; “don’t buy a dog” vs “get a dog” debate; “die twice” message about remembering the dead.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOCrowd Interaction and Suggestions
0:00 to 14:01
Jimmy Carr engages with the audience, suggesting a scenic walk in London.
“This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT.”
Humorous Audience Engagement
14:39 to 25:01
Jimmy Carr humorously interacts with the audience, addressing their comments and questions.
“He's already left Europe just by coming in.”
The Value of Experiences
27:48 to 28:00
Jimmy Carr emphasizes the importance of experiences over material gifts.
“The best presents are never things, they're experiences.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is Jimmy Carr Crowdwork, which sees me, Jimmy Carr, do crowdwork. This time I'm in Crawley and, oh, it's a spicy one.
0:40A fight nearly breaks out at the show. Oh, exciting. What's wrong with your throat? What's wrong with my throat? Well, I've got little kids and they come home with things from school and you pick up a bug and it just kind of gets in there. That, or it's all the cocks. Could be one or the other.
1:07What, sorry? She starts to come off. It's... That was the joke I just did.
1:16Hello, fatty boom-boom. What's your name, my friend? I'm Sean. You're Sean? What do you do, Sean? Sean, yeah. Yeah, what do you do? I'm a mum. What, sorry? Barber, textivation. Barber, textivation. Treat me like a police officer, just fucking the facts. You're a barber. Of course you are. Like a sheep. Barber.
1:46What is your hair so shit in?
1:52You go to the same one as me. I don't go to a barber I send mine away
2:04post it back when it's ready one of the kids at the local park got his head stuck in the railings last weekend are you alright? what happened there? who won't stop talking? shh shh lights up lights up for one sec
2:24Okay, I'm going to sort this super fucking quickly. Where's the guy who has a complaint? Okay, where's the guy that's talking? Okay, we're all having a laugh here. There's 850 people in the room. We're in a public space. You might not come to the theatre a lot. You might watch a lot of stuff on TV. I love having you here, mate. But if you are talking, you need to shut the fuck up. There's a little thing we've got going on here, and I want you to be part of it. It's called society. Okay? If you've annoyed him, right? What age you, man? 27. 27, you're a grown fucking man? Apologise to the guy. Huh?
3:03Just go, sorry, mate. I don't apologize, I just want to be shy. Yeah, but if we don't enforce the rules of society, then we're all fucks. We might as well be living in fucking Crawley. Yeah.
3:24It's a fucking... If you're chatting, you're chatting. That's OK. You can say sorry to the guy and fucking move on. We're here to have a laugh. You're here to have a laugh. Yeah, but I'm in charge of that. And you fucking chatting on isn't helping anyone. It's not helping him, that's for sure. I'd say you're a fucking whisker away from getting fucked out of the place.
3:53And honestly, it's not a bad life lesson at 27. You're grown, but you ain't full grown. You've got all the front now and all the... I'm not fucking apologising to no one. Well, don't. You never have to apologise. All you need to do is fucking behave in the first place. Right? That's it. Because that was your good. And he seems fucking fine. You're good, right? All right, you're all good then. But, you know, what's your name, man? John. I don't want to fall out with you. John, what do you do for a living, mate? I'm a roofer. You're a roofer like a dog.
4:38It's a very dangerous job, roofing. You know the stats on that, right? That's like, that's the British equivalent of being an ice road trucker. It's a, seriously fucking, you're all aware, right? That is a very dangerous job. I think it's the right thing for you. LAUGHTER I think...
5:00I think you're... I think the careers advisor was trying to nudge natural selection along.
5:08This has got to be a little prick. He's got to be on high things. LAUGHTER All right, you're all good, right? Perfect, lovely. Thank you. Give him a round of applause. You know what?
5:23I'm all for that. That guy took correction like a fucking man. I love it. Well done. Good on you.
5:31Menopause. The menopause. Are you perimenopause or perimenopause? You'll be fucking fine. Take the drugs. It's fucking beautiful. It's not? Are you having the hot flushes? You're not having the hot flushes? What's the symptoms of the perimenopausal? You're very tired? Listen.
5:58Drugs. Fucking drugs. Also, what do you do for a living? You're a social worker? Of course you're fucking tired. Have you tried telling dick jokes for two hours a night? It's a piece of piss. Dealing with people with real problems? Fuck that. I spoke to him for like two minutes. I'm exhausted.
6:29I'm tired all the time. Of course you are. You've got a fucking difficult job. Pick an easier one. Is this the other half? You all right, fella? All right. What do you do, mate? I'm an IT trainer. An IT trainer? You train the experts.
6:49Right. I think if they're experts... ..you might just be getting in the way. Take me outside. He said, when you're outside, I'll... I'm going up. Oh, yeah, light up for a second. Light up. What's... Oh, hey, hey, dude, dude, dude. Bup, bup, bup, you got to go, man. You got to go. Bup, bup, bup, you're gone.
7:21Hi, guys. It's... Listen, you took it well initially. Dude. Dude. There's something else going on there. I'm sure it's not about you. Listen, he might have had a very tough day. We don't know what's going on in his life. He's pissed. I think maybe... A little sprinkle of cocaine on that.
7:49Are you okay, my friend? Yeah, I'm good. Okay, well, look, as long as you're fine. I know it's a bit upsetting having an altercation or whatever. Sometimes people talk in the theatre, they're not used to coming out to shows. I appreciate you all bearing with us. I hope he's all right. Let's make sure he's okay. Yeah, okay.
8:11Look, you know, I'm kind of on your side, but I also... Because he's a young man, he's been kicked out. this a little bit, will you buy him a beer from me and tell him to calm down and make sure he goes nowhere fucking near that guy after this. But do buy him a beer because I don't want to fucking humiliate the kid. Okay? All right.
8:37Hi Jimmy, my husband's 47th birthday today. I bought tonight's tickets for his birthday last year, got the wrong year, very happy to be here tonight. His name is Beno. Benoit? His name's Ben. We're in fucking Crawley, get over yourself. Where's the birthday boy, where are you? Over here. What's your name, sir, how's it pronounced? Benoit. Benoit. He's French. I fucking love it. And where about in France are you from? The reserve. This is fucking... You've hit the jackpot here. I'm fucking wet and I'm not even a woman. I mean, this is... This guy's voice is beautiful. What do you do with yourself, my friend?
9:24What do you do for a living? I'm a tax lawyer. You're a tax lawyer?
9:33I think I might faint. This guy could not be more attractive to me. I swear... Just fucking move, Ben.
9:46And how did you guys meet? What happened? University. University. Right. She fucked the waiter.
10:03Mmm. Well played. Happy birthday, my friend. Many happy returns. Thanks for being here. Appreciate it.
10:12What was it? Debbie Downer, this is my first outing since my dad took his own life. For the love of whatever God you believe in, please make suicide funny and or heroic. Or, as my dad would say, for the love of fuck. And I missed Gervais tickets because of it. So, expectations. Where's, who's going through this, where I am? If you don't want to say hello, you don't have to, but... What's right? She's here. Let's turn the lights. I want to say hello. Well, no, this is a, that is a lovely thing to share. I really appreciate it. A lot of people have to go through that. It's not an easy thing. You know, if you want to know my serious view and it's a serious thing, your text, the thing with suicide is you can't get rid of the pain.
11:03All you can do is distribute it equally between the people that loved you. It's an incredibly difficult thing to deal with. I hope you're doing all right. I hope in some tiny little way I've helped cheer you off a little bit this evening what was your dad called? what's he? Hugh this gig's for Hugh applause applause applause applause applause yeah it's a nice thing well you die twice, you die when you die and you die the last time someone says your name don't stop standing his name Don't stop talking to him. A lot of people stop talking to people because they die. Don't. Keep the relationship going.
11:50Good luck. That's all right. It's a nice message to get. It's very special.
12:01Tom and Harriet Smalley have just bought their first house and are now looking to buy their first dog. Mistake. Where's Tom and Harriet? Tom, Harriet. hi well firstly congratulations on the house that's a wonderful thing to happen but what you need is a dog because you've got a house at the moment you put a dog in it that's a home get one you'll never regret it they're fucking brilliant I'm not a fucking dog
12:39We have a different opinion there. Don't buy a fucking dog. I'm guessing, sir, you're suggesting a knicker dog. Don't buy a dog. People just leave them in the park. Fucking take it. Yeah, definitely fucking get a dog. What are you going to call the dog?
13:07This guy. Line of the night. Hi, Jimmy. My pal, Leon, and I came all the way from Luxembourg just to see you today. Please pick Leon and roast him. A dream would come true. Leon, why are you, Leon? Lights up. Let's get Leon. Hi, my friend. Well, thank you so much for travelling. What else are you doing while you're in the UK, Leon? Visiting London. What's that? Visiting London. Visiting London. Well, this is the worst bit.
13:42You're not staying in Crawley, are you? No, no, no. No, no, no. You're going to be okay. Have you been to London before? No, first time. Your first time? Okay, we need some fucking tips. Don't get stabbed. Don't get stabbed. He'll be fine, he's gone.
14:06What, sorry? This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Stand on the right. I'm a big Farage fan in. He's already left Europe just by coming in. He's done enough. I don't know. I'm just trying to think what I would do like a day.
14:52How long are you in London for, mate? From yesterday to Saturday. Okay.
15:00I'm trying to think what's the houses of parliament fucking maybe I guess, okay here's what I would suggest my friend I think you should go to the top of Primrose Hill tomorrow it's the best view of London that you can get and then walk from Primrose Hill it's going to be a nice day tomorrow walk from Primrose Hill to King's Cross down the canal stop at Camden, get some lunch and walk down to the canal there and they've redone the whole thing. That's an amazing walk sort of through London. I'd do that. I think that's a pretty fucking great day. Good luck.
15:41You're a Marysel, Camden. That's nice. I mean, you will get mugged. What are you going to do? You'll be all right. What's he? I didn't hear it, Jimmy. You didn't hear it? I was just calling you a pie key.
15:56You're a pikey with a suit? Yeah, it's great to have you here, I'm loving it. That's all right, sir. A pikey with a Ralph Lauren, though, so I ain't doing too much. A pikey with a Ralph Lauren? You almost couldn't have said anything more, pikey.
16:13There you go. All right. Don't pick on you, but sir. I can smell a victim.
Read the full transcript
16:28There's going to be, you're talking, it's a part of my job.
16:37Daddy... Daddy's talking. Treat me like the warrant officer. You've dealt with them before.
16:50I don't want you to worry none of this is going to affect your benefits.
16:57What? You can't judge a book by its cover, but you can tell the fucking price. Give me! Give me! Give me!
17:15Dude, dude, dude, dude. Okay, okay. You've got to sit down. We're going to talk a lot. Not right now. I've got... Sit down. Sit... Sit down. Shut the fuck up. And we'll come to you when I need you. No chatting, no chipping in. Fuck me.
17:43Are you alright? Are you getting told off? Yeah. You'll be okay. You've been good as gold. Okay, just... Thank you, Joe. I'll be alright. Yeah, it's fine. No, no, you're good. You sound like you've been day drinking. You've been day drinking? No. Jesus.
18:00You are... You are fully fucked then. You do your thing, I'm fine. What?
18:09Grass.
18:15If you see something, say something. She's done the right thing. What would you say to your children if they ask you about God? What would I say to my children if they ask me about God? What if he exists? I'll lie to them.
18:37I don't know I think I sort of go with this and this is not from me this is from ACDC's roadie God is the name we give the blanket we throw over the mystery to give it shape
18:58there's a mystery no one knows and we throw a blanket over it and we give it different names. And some people call it Allah and some people call it Jesus and some people call it Vishnu and it doesn't matter really. It's just a shame. And some people go, I don't know. Some people call it Jimmy Carter.
19:25Get two extra guys. Next time is gone, yeah. that was going somewhere you're fucking it you gotta shut up man I hate kicking people out because you seem like such a fun guy but my voice is killing me and I fucking will because it's a fucking great question are you religious? you grew up in a religious household yeah everyone got touched
19:59do you call him daddy do you what was the religion was it was it Christian was it Jehovah's Witness or was it Hinduism I fucking love the Hinduism it's a great you can pick from lots of good ones I mean obviously what have we got we got a fucking skinny kid nailed to a cross they've got a fucking elephant with blue and he's got six arms fucking that one please that's fun if you've got to get kids involved i would say hinduism is the fucking chief what do you think about being on romish rangonation's turf
20:50That bumper clap better not step to me.
20:59I've weirdly just spent the day with Romesh. We just did a podcast together. He's the fucking greatest. I love him. I fucking love him. Dude, you're going to have to go.
21:14I'm so sorry dude but you're stepping on every line I hate to do it to you what we will do is we'll buy you dinner we'll buy you two dinner we'll take care of you but you can't talk over every line it's just I can't do it no no no I do but you're talking between things huh? Are you really kicking me out of your show? Yeah. Oh, I know. But, but dude, dude, we're going to... No, no, no, I do. Look, come back another time. Come back another time. No, you... We'll... Okay. But look, we will...
21:58No, he's... I'll tell you what. That's a very dignified way to take it, right? And... Of course you can stay, yeah. Yeah.
22:12And guys, can we make sure we get him a drink, something to eat, take care of him? No more drink. Huh? What do you mean, no more drink?
22:23Motherfucker, can you not see an alcoholic? That guy's fucking loaded. Let's get him fucking crazy drunk.
22:34Give her a fucking night off. who won't be able to even thumb in a softy.
22:46Sorry, I don't want to... It's a bit distracting. What was the thing over there? There was something. Romesh. Oh, fuck it. He's fucking great, isn't he? He's great fun. Great fun. The Tash. I'm not sure about the fucking Tash now. Christ. He used to be a Pitu. He's saving that up. Jimmy, I'm with my children, Harry and Charlotte. how can I tell them I wish I'd had them adopted? Where's Harry and Charlotte? Where are you, Harry? Charlotte? Hi, Harry. Hi, Harry. How old are you, Harry? 21. 21. All right, what do you do, Harry? I work for the National Grid. You work for the National Grid? All right, working man.
23:23Charlotte, what do you do? I work for... Shop. You work for what? A shop. A shop. Do you know the name of the shop?
23:35TK Maxx. TK Maxx. Okay, fucking discount fashion stuff. And where's mum? Hi mum. Hi. What were you fucking open for? They seemed fine. How old's Charlotte? 20. 20 and he's 21. Alright, how old are you love? 50. Same age as me but... You're busted.
24:14I think life's just beginning. I mean, you've got... Your kids are done. They're finished. Are they out of the house yet?
24:23Harry, Charlotte, your mum loves you very much. She's always going to be... You're going to be the best thing she's ever done in her life. but you need to fuck off now.
24:37Your mum, your mum is 50. 50 is the new fucking 35. She has got some living to do. She wants to fuck in the kitchen.
24:50Whatever it takes you to, fucking get out. She's done enough for you, give something back, fuck off. That we intervene there, nice.
25:07And take better care of yourself, Mum.
25:13You're a fucking disgrace.
25:17Hi, Jimmy. I got today's tickets for my wife and I as her birthday present. Unfortunately, she has no interest in stand-up comedy. I'll soon find out if this was a good present. Sid. Ah Where are you Sid? Hi Hi Sid Now I'm nervous to ask Sid's Mrs Have you enjoyed your evening Or has this been a total fucking wash? Not bad, not bad Not bad, not bad I will take that Thank you very much for taking the chance I really do genuinely I appreciate it Now what would you like to do Sid's Mrs What's your idea of fun?
26:00What's the name? Um, night out. A night out. This is a night out. This is very much a night out. But where would you like to go on said night out? Anywhere where there's food. Anywhere where there's food? Okay.
26:23This fat bitch knows what she likes.
26:29Dude, you could have saved yourself 60 quid. You could have got a fucking all-you-can-eat buffet. She'd be fucking over the moon. Right, well, next time, Sid, take her somewhere where she wants to go. Check the restaurant, do the guides, do the full thing. But I appreciate you taking one for the team, love. Thank you, and happy birthday.
26:49The best day of my life was the birth of my first child. And that's because that was the day someone told me you don't pay capital gains tax on selling gold coins. That's why I partnered up with a pure gold company. I buy gold with them as a store of wealth and to protect against inflation. And well, you can do that too. This is an advert. I'm suggesting you do that. But I'm not a financial advisor. Don't take my advice. Go and, you know, seek a professional financial advisor and then do what I tell you. Go and buy gold at the pure gold company. They'll tell you it's a good idea. I am not a grifter.
27:23I wouldn't sell you something that I don't use myself. So I use the Pure Gold Company. If you'd like to invest in physical gold as well, just click the link in the description or head to the pure-gold.co slash jimmy to get your free copy of their investor guide. That's pure-gold.co slash jimmy. Mention my name when you speak to them and you'll get six months of storage secure for your bullion absolutely free. My God, I'm good to you. I hope you enjoy the clip. I just want to say this. The best presents are never things, they're experiences. So if you're having difficulty in your relationship, if the passion is fading, then don't get her flowers or chocolates or jewelry.
28:02Buy her tickets, take her out, come and see me live. Give her the best gift you can give anyone. No, not the gift of laughter. A night with a real man. Click below for tickets, you cuck.
28:19Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons podcast. Have you guys heard about chat GPT work? It's the new way to use chat GPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give chat GPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chat GPT.com by selecting work mode available on plus and pro plans.
From the publisher
When a fight is close to breaking out mid-show, Jimmy Carr steps in to calm the chaos. One audience member refuses to stop talking, and after tempers flare, Jimmy takes control — diffusing the situation with composure, humour, and an unexpected touch of empathy.
To see Jimmy on tour go to http://jimmycarr.com for tickets.
If you are looking to protect your wealth with physical gold, then I highly recommend The Pure Gold Company:
https://pure-gold.co/jimmy
Just click the link in the description to get your free copy of their investor guide.
Mention my name when you speak to them and you’ll get 6 months of secure storage for your bullion absolutely free.
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