In short
Jimmy Carr does crowdwork in Tunbridge Wells, imagining what he’d do in a zombie apocalypse, then fields audience questions on topics like SpaceX, immigration, feminism/sex, comedy, pets, relationships, and current events, mixing in explicit jokes and dark humor.
Guests
No traditional guests. The “guests” are audience members who speak on mic: Roma (asks about zombie apocalypse and is with mum/brother); Ishan (writes space articles for Weekly Spaceman); Tim (asks about boyfriends for daughter Sienna); Sienna (17); Josh (software); Louise (sales of plastics/metals); Jack (moving to Arizona for tech/weapons-related work); plus a caller about a girlfriend/wife named Julianne in A&E.
Key claims
He’d secure a stadium in a zombie apocalypse; he’d invest in SpaceX (cites ~96% satellite launches); he argues for pro-immigration and “import people/export institutions”; recommends Louise Perry and Mary Harrington to a 17-year-old.
Notable examples
Wembley-style stadium plan with machetes; Hollywood Bowl anecdote where a crowd member tried to stab Dave Chappelle; advising Sienna on relationships using second-wave feminist books; calling Julianne to joke about kidney infection being caused by not “taking a piss.”
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOZombie Apocalypse Plans
0:34 to 1:41
Jimmy shares his thoughts on surviving a zombie apocalypse.
“This is me in Tunbridge Wells telling you what I would do in the event of a zombie apocalypse.”
Audience Interaction
1:41 to 2:40
Jimmy interacts with audience member Roma about her survival plan.
“I don't know, I managed to fit in my grandma's dryer once.”
Conversation with Ishan
2:40 to 4:59
Jimmy talks to audience member Ishan about his newspaper and passion for space.
“My mum and brother, they're sat in different rooms.”
Philosophy on Society
4:59 to 7:21
Jimmy discusses societal issues and health and safety regulations.
“In space myself, I'm gonna be working on those rocket engines I've got some really good news for you.”
Influences and Career
7:21 to 10:09
Jimmy reflects on his influences and thoughts on charity work.
“Also, get rid of all those signs, like, you know, don't dive in the hot tub.”
Memorable Comedy Sets
10:09 to 12:20
Jimmy shares a memorable experience from a show with Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock.
“It's not a pair Bits and bobs, not much, you know, gigs here and there and fucking write a check I always think.”
Pet Pigs Recommendations
12:20 to 13:15
Jimmy gives humorous suggestions for naming pet pigs.
“If you know anything about Busta Rhymes' voice, it's not the de-escalation voice.”
Advice for Young Relationships
13:15 to 14:02
Jimmy provides advice to a young audience member about relationships.
“Jimmy, can you give my daughter advice about boyfriends?”
Feminism and Relationships
14:02 to 15:36
Discussion on modern feminism and its impact on relationships.
“I'd read that, and I'd read Mary Harrington, if you can remember that.”
Movie Recommendations and Music Taste
15:37 to 17:22
Jimmy shares his favorite films and thoughts on music preferences.
“I don't think there's a beat wrong in it.”
Show all 18 chapters
Controversial Questions
17:29 to 19:01
Jimmy tackles provocative hypothetical questions with humor.
“Would you rather have sex with Rose West or Mayra Hindley?”
Views on Immigration
19:02 to 20:29
Jimmy shares his pro-immigration stance and humorous takes on the topic.
“I mean, I'm not saying that would be a pleasant thing, but the other thing is a fucking freeway with your parents, you fucking lunatic.”
Audience Engagement and Jokes
20:30 to 21:53
Jimmy engages with the audience and shares jokes about personal experiences.
“Is that the pre-drinking before Ladies' Night starts?”
Advice for New Beginnings
21:54 to 24:39
Jimmy gives advice to an audience member moving to America.
“Do you want to know what's your name, love?”
Call to an Audience Member
24:40 to 28:00
Jimmy humorously calls an audience member's girlfriend in A&E.
“Are you bringing a girl with you, Jack, or are you going on your own?”
Importance of Health
28:00 to 28:14
Learn why flushing out your system is important for health.
“It's actually quite important to kind of flush out your system.”
The Best Day of My Life
28:15 to 28:33
Jimmy shares a humorous take on the best day of his life.
“The best day of my life was the birth of my first child.”
Experiences Over Gifts
29:28 to 30:21
Jimmy emphasizes giving experiences instead of material gifts.
“The best presents are never things, they're experiences.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Hey Chicago, class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up. It shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Crocs store today. Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr. This is Crowdwork, my podcast where I do crowdwork. This is me in Tunbridge Wells telling you what I would do in the event of a zombie apocalypse. What do you think of SpaceX? What do you think of SpaceX?
0:43What do I think of SpaceX? Yeah. Elon's company. I would invest in that, yeah. Yeah. I think it's pretty good. It's currently, what is it doing, 96 % of satellite launches of SpaceX? Yeah. 2 % the Chinese, 2 % other companies? Yeah. Yeah, it would appear I know too much about this. Yeah, it's pretty impressive. Someone had something there. What would you do in a zombie apocalypse? What would I do in a zombie apocalypse? Great question, Roma.
1:12I would go to a sports stadium, right? Sports stadiums have got famously great security, because they don't want to let people in, right? So you go to, like, Wembley or something, and they've got a big bit of grass in the middle, they've got the director's boxes, they've got the showers, you can get in and out through the underground parking, they've got bollards, so you'd hold up in there, yeah, you get machetes, machetes don't run out of bullets. You're fucking off to the races. I'm quite looking forward to it if it happens. What would you do? I don't know, I managed to fit in my grandma's dryer once.
1:46You managed to fit in your grandma's dryer once.
2:00I would say Roma's plan for a zombie apocalypse is the first 20 minutes she's set. The first 20 minutes she's in a dryer going, right. As soon as she gets peckish, I think you're getting eaten by a fucking zombie. What were you doing in your grandma's dryer? Presumably making quite specialty porn.
2:24Don't pretend you don't know that fucking sub-genre. Who are you here with, Roma? Sorry, that's possibly the creepiest question you can ask me. It's dangerously close to, does anyone know you're here? Who are you here with, Roma? My mum and brother, they're sat in different rooms. Your mum and brother, but they're sat away from you. Because of the shame. Where are they? My hair!
2:54Where's... is that mum? Yeah. Go on, let's... where are you? I'm here. Hi. Hello. And who's the... who's the... Ishan. Ishan, hi Ishan. How are ya? I'm doing fabulous. I fucking like your voice. Thanks. I'm sort of surprised you're not a cartoon. If I'm 100 % honest, I'm a little bit disappointed. You're not pixelated in some way. What do you do? I write for a newspaper called Weekly Spaceman. The Weekly Spaceman? Yeah. It's a newspaper. Is it called the Weekly Space and you're just calling me Man? No, no. The Weekly Spaceman. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
3:47I'm made of questions right now. I'm genuinely excited to meet you. And what do you do for said newspaper? I write about space articles. You write about space? Yeah, about, you know. There's loads of, isn't there? Yeah. I've been in love in space since I saw Tim Peake's spacewalk in primary school. You've been loving space. Sorry about the autistic stuff earlier I did
4:23I don't know about spectrum I'd say you're right on one end of it
4:31People call you autistic all the time yeah, that might be the autism
4:38That's fucking great though if you're passionate about something So you're writing about it you're not tempted to get involved do a bit of physics. Oh I intend to
4:51There's a Nazi salute there Elon might give you a job
4:59In space myself, I'm gonna be working on those rocket engines I've got some really good news for you. I've got some amazing news. It's gonna blow your fucking mind. Do you know where Earth is? It's in space You're already here, baby
5:19Fucking proper enthusiasm I've never been that excited. I wasn't that excited when my fucking children were born. That's Spaceman
5:32What's the way? Do you want to play? That's literally an old joke of mine. Do you want to play the rape game? The person says no, and you go, that's the spirit.
5:44Are there any alien lizards? Ah, go on then. What's the way? Are the royal family alien lizards? I don't think so. I don't think they fucking are. I think if they were, they'd be better looking, wouldn't they? It's like if you're gonna make a mask, you'd go, I'm gonna be fucking handsome. Not so much. They look as if a bunch of cousins fucked.
6:15Crown King tomorrow, what's your first order in power? How loud are you? I fucking love it. What, sorry? What's my... I'm crowned king tomorrow, what's your first? I'm crowned king tomorrow, what's my first... So I'm king of the country, king of the world? King of the world. What's my first thing? Well, I think it would be an environmental thing. OK, here's my pitch, right? There's too many people on the face of the earth. That's clear. What can you do? I'll tell you what you can do. Health and safety. We get rid of health and safety.
6:49Yeah? And we let the cards fall where they may. So, basically, it's a good idea, because not only are you getting rid of 50 % of the population, it's the fucking dummies. Oh, my husband died because he fell off the cliff because there wasn't a railing. Will we miss him? My little boy drank paint. Well, maybe you shouldn't drink during pregnancy.
7:19I think it's a good idea, right? Get rid of the fucking dummies. Also, get rid of all those signs, like, you know, don't dive in the hot tub. If there's a sign there, it means some fucking cunt did it.
7:33Don't cycle on the motorway. What? Do we need those signs? Do we need the people that need those signs? I say fucking no.
7:51Other than the Thunderbirds, who has influenced your look? Other than the Thunderbirds who's influenced my look.
8:02Good question. Johnny Carson, probably. Johnny Carson, big American TV host. And I think the thing you would say about Johnny is he always came correct. If you're going to stand up in front of people and talk, wear a fucking tie, wear a suit, you paid good fucking money to be here, and, you know, dress smartly. Meh.
8:24It's a... I sort of think it's nice to have a uniform for work, but also it's a sign of respect. What would you like to do after comedy? What would I like to do after comedy? I'm probably going to get a snack.
8:46And then I'm going to do comedy again.
8:54I might keep doing this if that's okay. I mean I realize at some point I might get cancelled beyond repair, but I doubt it I'll be alright. I sort of think you only get cancelled if you get cancelled by your audience Like sometimes you get cancelled and it's just people that already thought you were a cunt calling you a cunt Can fucking deal with that. I'm not solving to please the Daily Mail. Fuck em
9:24Dave Spiky? I haven't spoken to Dave in years. No. But I would. I like him. Is he still alive? He is, yes. Dave Spiky, like, okay, here's the weird thing about Dave Spiky. He used to do Cats for this. Dave Spiky, like, the most working-class northern wrote Phoenix Nights with Peter, and, like, he's really, you know, down-to-earth guy. Very into yachting. He likes sailboats. He's off fucking sailing the world, so he's not really being contactable the last while. But fucking great. He's also he was one of Britain's leading haematologists
9:59He's fucking retired let him fucking enjoy it. He's off on a boat somewhere looking at blood Do I do any charity work? I've looked into it. It's not a pair
10:18Bits and bobs, not much, you know, gigs here and there and fucking write a check I always think. Write a fucking check, don't go on about it. You can write it off. Stop teasing me.
10:36Stop teasing me, you know I fucking would. If you were King Charles and you had one wish, what would you... If I was King Charles... And you had one wish... And I had one wish... What would you do with his hands? What would I do with his hands? I would, er... I don't know. He's got big... I've met Charles a couple of times. He's an odd... It's an odd thing, because normally when you shake someone's hand, I've never subscribed to that thing of, oh, firm handshake, he's a good guy, or limp handshake, no character. It's bullshit, right? But generally, I met him, and I shook his hand, and immediately I went, oh, he's a farmer.
11:10He's got a fucking gardener's hand. I've met enough fucking gardeners in my time to go, oh, yeah, it's a fucking gardener. He kind of tells you something about the guy. Yeah, I mean, he's got weird-looking hands, but yeah. Meh. What? Everything's not going to be funny. Sometimes just... idle gossip.
11:31What's that? What's your favourite comedy show you've been to? Uh, I think probably the one I got paid most for was...
11:41I've done some fun ones. It's fun when you sort of do them with lots of other people. I did one in America, the Hollywood Bowl, with Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock, and that was a lot of fun to sort of be on. And then at one point in the sort of second half of the show, a lunatic from the crowd got up and tried to stab Dave. Which at the time was bad, but, you know, if you're looking for anecdotes, that's the gig you want to be at. It was pretty fucking awesome. I ended up in the basement of the Hollywood Bowl with a lot of very nervous-looking people, and it was me and Busta Rhymes trying to de-escalate things.
12:19Which is a very odd situation. If you know anything about Busta Rhymes' voice, it's not the de-escalation voice. Ha-ha! Hi, Jimmy. You look like you know your way round a pig or two. we are getting two pet sausage pigs next month what should we name them oh sausage pigs aren't all pigs technically sausage pigs it's kind of it's where they're gonna fucking end up who's getting the sausage pigs
12:51and are these pets or do you live in a farm do you have chickens what have you got at the moment you've got nothing and you've gone straight to pig I think I think this is an excellent move, by the way, to quote Churchill, you know, dogs look up to you, cats look down on you. I like pigs, they look you in the eye. Excellent choice of pet. Names for pigs. Kevin Bacon and Hamlet.
13:28Jimmy, can you give my daughter advice about boyfriends? She is 17. Thanks. Tim. Where are you, Tim? Hi, Tim. Where's said daughter? Just here. Just here? How old are you? 17. 17? Yeah. OK. What's your name? Sienna. Hi, Sienna. I'd recommend two things firstly there's a girl called Louise Perry and she wrote a book called The Case Against the Sexual Revolution and it's a brilliant book came out about two years ago there's a new version of it out for younger people you're 17, read the grown up version it's a brilliant book it's about how everything is loaded since the 1960s in men's favour and it's not what you want everything's in our favour, everything's about short relationships where we get what we want.
14:21I'd read that, and I'd read Mary Harrington, if you can remember that. Louise Perry and Mary Harrington. They're second-wave feminists. They're fucking brilliantly bright women. And I think if you read that, it'll change the way you think about, you know, sex and relationships and stuff. You know.
14:42Are you the boyfriend? He's absolutely fucking gutted, I've said that. He's absent. Oh, no, I was planning on fingering her. What?
14:54I don't know how 17-year-olds roll at the moment. Are you, uh... Is it fingers or dick? What's going on?
15:02Your parents are sitting there? Sounds like it might be dick.
15:11That's okay, as long as it's kind of, you know, consensual and responsible. But I would genuinely, I would say, you're 16, right, Roma? I've read, yeah, Louise Perry, The Case Against the Sexual Revolution, or if you can't be asked to read it, she's on loads of podcasts, she did Modern Wisdom, the podcast, have a listen to that for two hours. But it'll change the way, if you're going to believe in anything, believe in, you know, modern day feminism, but the proper stuff, not third wave intersectionality. That was boring. Back to dick jokes. OK. What is your favourite film and why? Tony. Why, Tony?
Read the full transcript
15:42Where's Tony? You can be friends with Dave and John. I like True Romance. It's a Quentin Tarantino script. It's made by Tony Scott. I think it's incredible as a movie. I don't think there's a beat wrong in it. It's just incredible scene after incredible scene. You couldn't take a minute of it out. It's, yeah, Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper in a caravan. It's as good as it gets. I watched 1970s movies and only listened to new music. That's my top tip for people. It's quite boring again, but I'll tell you. Most people listen to old music because they want to get serotonin from the familiar and they watch new films because they want to get the dopamine from the new stories.
16:24But 70s movies are better than movies that are made today and new music is excellent. So I'd do that.
16:33Or do what you fucking like, I don't care. What's your name, mate? Josh. Josh, what do you do, Josh? Software. Software. Right.
16:46Sounds great. I don't do many impressions. I can do an impression of Josh that works in software. Would you like to see? Okay. Hey, Chicago. Class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up, it shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Croc store today. Please.
17:33No, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, please. Please. Please. I wasn't finished. Please. Mom, I'll be down in a minute. C.
17:51Would you rather have sex with Rose West or Mayra Hindley? It's a great question. Now, Rose West is alive.
18:07And that's a big point in her favour, I would say. Er, it's gonna be... Yeah, it's tough. That is... That is... Huh? Be honest about it. Be honest? Yes, it's the best policy here, I think. If you're fucking a monster. I can't imagine the scenario where this would happen. My conjugal visit with Rose West. Where he feels like that would be a real career turn. I used to like him, he was funny. I remember that time he fucked Rose West. Yeah, weird. That was weird. Would you rather watch your mum and dad having sex every day or join in once to stop it? Would I rather watch my mum and dad having sex every day or join in once to stop it?
19:01That's a very easy question, sir. I'd watch. I mean, I'm not saying that would be a pleasant thing, but the other thing is a fucking freeway with your parents, you fucking lunatic.
19:17This guy's a fucking idiot.
19:23Thoughts on immigration, Jimmy? Thoughts on immigration? Well, I'm very pro-immigration on account of the whole being a fucking Irish immigrant.
19:36I like it. I like it. I think we should... I take it as a massive fucking compliment. I sort of go, there's 8 billion people on the planet, right? And our lifestyle is only served here. And people want a piece of this, because they've seen it. And they go, yeah, fucking I want a piece of that. Fucking great. I think we either import people, or we export our institutions. Those are our options. I think we should sort of do both. Yeah. I'd... I'd do a gag in a minute. I mean, obviously, there's bits within that we could joke about if you'd like, but it's all quite serious stuff, isn't it? Yeah. There's the...
20:18If we're serious about stopping the boats, what we need to do is we need to think about the countries the people are fleeing from and make it easier for people to drown there. LAUGHTER
20:36There you go, fine. I could do jokes.
20:42International Women's Day. Now, is that linked to Ladies' Night? Is that the pre-drinking before Ladies' Night starts? Hang on a second, that was... I felt like we were trying to start an engine. What the... Come on. What category you would imagine? Keir Starmer and Trump. In what porn category? I would say... Keir Starmer and Trump, what porn category would they be in? I would say that is a challenging wank. That is quite... There's teenage boys going, no, I can't manage it. I'm sorry. What, are you alright? What's... Are you okay, the drunken lady? What's going on there? You all right? This isn't going to affect your benefits.
21:37What the fuck is going on?
21:42Where did you learn to whisper? In a fucking helicopter? What's going on?
21:49I'm not Jeremy Kyle. I'm not going to take your kids away.
21:54Please do. Ha! Ha!
22:01Do you want to know what's your name, love? Louise. Louise, and what do you do, Louise? I'm in sales. You're in sales, and what are you selling? Plastics and metals. Plastics and metals. Is it all nicked stuff, is it, Louise? Feels like it might be nicked. We've got this stuff, it's plastic and metal. Do you want to buy it or not?
22:26You can have it. Otherwise I give it to my fucking kids. It's plastic and metal.
22:37You don't belong in Tunbridge Wells. You need to leave and go to Mainstone. We're all thinking it. We're all thinking it.
22:48Have you ever cried while masturbating? Have I ever cried whilst masturbating? Whilst or directly afterwards. Right. Bit of wankst. During the process. I like the fact you're saying it's a process. Fucking hell, there's a lot going on there. Of course, yeah, there's a weird kind of thing about that where men associate it with wanking. Women don't masturbate, do they? They just expect us to believe it takes 45 minutes to have a bath.
23:21Why do we need a handheld power shower? Never your mind.
23:29I don't think so, but maybe. Maybe. I'm sure if I think of Louise while I do it.
23:39Hi, Jim. Hi, Jimmy. Big fan. I've just got my green card approved, and I'm moving to America. Give me some advice. Lots of love. Jack. Where's Jack? Hi Jack. Hi Jack. Which bit of America are you going to? Arizona. And what are you going to do in Arizona? Work in tech. Work in tech? I think you're going to be all right. I'll be honest. What bit of tech?
24:07I think he's... I think he's... weapons. It's going to be weapons isn't it? He's making drones.
24:18We all got it as weapons. It's like when people go, I work in aerospace. Do you? Fucking bombs. Good luck. I think you'll have fun, Arizona. It's nice. It's fucking warm. Bring some sunblock. What age are you, Jack? I have day two. This is fucking ideal. I think you'll have a fucking great time. Yeah. I got no notes. Tremendous.
24:51We wish you well. Are you bringing a girl with you, Jack, or are you going on your own? Yeah, my wife. You're bringing your wife with you? Aww.
25:03That feels like a mistake, Jack. You're starting a new life. Is she here this evening, Jack? He's moving to me, so he's not making a mistake. He's moving to you? So he's not making a mistake, she said, in quite a chippy way. So are you the real reason he's going? Yeah. Oh! The romance. And what do you do? Um... Suck con.
25:33Your answer is suck con.
25:37This is why they're fucking leaving.
25:42Go on, what do you do?
25:47You're doing your masters here and then you're going to fuck off back. Excellent. What's the masters in? Sucking cars.
26:03He only really knows one phrase. But he is doing very well with it. You think she's got a masters in sucking cock? What would she qualify as? A head teacher? That was easy. Well, good luck, you guys. Sounds fucking great. Hey, Jimmy. I've left my fiancée in A &E tonight to come watch you. Well worth it. Who's got a fiancée in A &E? What happened, my friend? A kidney infection. A kidney infection? Are you taking the piss?
26:42Not that funny, but bloody quick. And what, is she in, is she alright now? I think so. I feel like we should give her a call, shouldn't we? Should we give her a call? Have you got your phone? Yeah, bring it down, I'll say hello to her.
27:07Might as well. She's a poor thing. She's in A &E. Was she going to come to the gig? No. She wasn't. Well, that changes this conversation. What's she called? Julianne. Julianne, all right. I'll say hello. I thought she'd pick up. I'll put her on screen. Shh.
27:29What's your name? Definitely. Definitely. No, definitely. Thanks, but don't be the gig. She's not answering. She might be dead. Oh, hello, Julie.
27:45Oh, hi, Julie, it's Jimmy Carr calling. It's about your kidney infection. I'm here with your boyfriend, and we've had a chat, and we think it's probably because you're not... ..you're not taking a piss after he fucks you. So... It's actually quite important to kind of flush out your system. So, don't be a lazy cow, yeah?
28:14OK, good luck. What?
28:24She had to start it. She didn't get a treat. That's what's going to fucking happen. What are you going to do? The best day of my life was the birth of my first child. And that's because that was the day someone told me you don't pay capital gains tax on selling gold coins. That's why I partnered up with a pure gold company. I buy gold with them as a store of wealth and to protect against inflation. And, well, you can do that too. This is an advert. I'm suggesting you do that. But I'm not a financial advisor. Don't take my advice. go and, you know, seek a professional financial advisor, and then do what I tell you.
28:58Go and buy gold at the Pure Gold Company. They'll tell you it's a good idea. I am not a grifter. I wouldn't sell you something that I don't use myself. So I use the Pure Gold Company. If you'd like to invest in physical gold as well, just click the link in the description or head to the pure-gold.co slash jimmy to get your free copy of their investor guide. That's pure-gold.co slash jimmy. Mention my name when you speak to them and you'll get six months of storage, secure, for your bullying, absolutely free. My god, I'm good to you. I hope you enjoy the clip. I just want to say this. The best presents are never things, they're experiences.
29:34So if you're having difficulty in your relationship, if the passion is fading, then don't get her flowers or chocolates or jewellery. Buy her tickets, take her out, come and see me live. Give her the best gift you can give anyone. No, not the gift of laughter. A night with a real man. Click below for tickets, you cuck.
30:17My first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-CONTACTS.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-CONTACTS.
From the publisher
Jimmy's already got a plan in case of a zombie apocalypse...
To see Jimmy on tour go to http://jimmycarr.com for tickets.
If you are looking to protect your wealth with physical gold, then I highly recommend The Pure Gold Company:
https://pure-gold.co/jimmy
Just click the link in the description to get your free copy of their investor guide.
Mention my name when you speak to them and you’ll get 6 months of secure storage for your bullion absolutely free.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices