"I've Been Called Worse By Better People!" - Bristol, England

0:00Oh hello, I'm Jimmy Carr, this is Crowdwork. This is me in Bristol talking to a 23 year old who bought a house. That is Napa Notton.

0:11Dude, hey fella over there. You seem to be running something of a running commentary on the gig. Could you sprinkle a little bit of shut the fuck up on that?

0:29I'm so sorry I've just come all over you You're not adding value in the way you think, sir

0:44I'm pretty good at reading a room, sir I don't think you're going to make it to the end of the show I want you to prove me wrong because I'll kick you out because you're a pikey.

1:01Lights up super quickly. Can we just throw the lights up? Hey, man, how are you? I love you too. I know you're excited. It's a later gig, so maybe there's been some day drinking going on. You're almost certainly annoying the people around you. Your poor wife is mortified. No, no, no, you don't need to... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're not in this. There's a lot of audience interaction. We're going to have a fucking great time. You are, however, going to shut the fuck up.

1:46Don't confuse me. you don't need to apologise, you honestly need to say fuck all. Don't confuse me with Peter Kay, he's a dear friend of mine and I love him, I love him. When he kicked someone out of a gig, he felt terrible about it. I won't give you a second fucking thought.

2:09Alright, let's do some more jokes then. Did you just shout out again, sir?

2:19I don't know how to make this clearer.

2:26Security, I'm very excited.

2:33I just wanted to say it. I fucking love you. I've come from Sheffield. Five hour there, five hour away. Oh, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Man. I know you're going to ruin my life now, but I don't give a fuck if I acknowledge you. I'm really pleased you're here, man. I'm really pleased you're here. What's your name, my friend? Oh, sorry? Jamie. Jamie, what'd you do, Jamie? I've got a bit of a sound for you. I'm a barber. You're a barber? Yeah. Hang on, I'll just explain to this unit.

3:06He's not a sheep. He cuts hair. Sorry, but you've got a fucking Riri in. and this is well I appreciate you coming along man that's a long way to come for a show I hope you are you staying for the weekend in Bristol Bristol is a fucking great town man amazing it's you know you've got to go don't go to a restaurant you've heard of go go go Bella Italia fuck that noise this place has got a great food scene it's got a great coffee scene. It's a fucking great place to spend the day. Enjoy. Have a look around. It's going to be beautiful. We're all excited. We've got our first tourist.

3:57He's travel agent's a cunt, but he seems like a nice fella. Do I want to come for a Sunday roast this Sunday? I tell you what, I won't come for a Sunday roast, but I will fuck you while he sits in the cut chair.

4:18Do you make a good Sunday roast? Okay, well, here's how I judge a Sunday roast, okay? Let's imagine a world, okay, where you've done chicken. You've done chicken. Are you going to do a Yorkshire pudding with the chicken Sunday roast?

4:36That's a fucking princess. I could cry. You're a fucking lucky man. That's a fucking keeper right there. She's off to rethink her life.

4:57That's what they called her.

5:02And he's gone. Yep. Lights up. Out.

5:11This is always fun to watch.

5:22You've got to do a little bit of fucking off now, sir.

5:31What, sorry? Sorry, you don't think you're going? Oh, let's see what happens now. Motherfucker, you need to leave. Listen, listen, I don't know if you're drunk. I don't know whether you had a bad day and some cocaine, but... Look, I wish him well. He came to see me. I appreciate that. I appreciate you coming. Come another time, man. Look, let's not give him a hard time. We've all made cunts of ourselves at some point, right? It's not the end of the world. I've got a sore throat. I can't be dealing with this fucking bullshit.

6:18We gave him enough fucking chances, didn't we, Jesus? Hi, Jimmy. I have a big crush on the girl in the pink on the front row, but I don't know how to tell her. She thinks we're just work colleagues, but I'm hoping you can change that Girl in the pink on the front row is that well you are wearing pink And you're on the front row that's your husband turns out he's got a crush on you Who's have you got a work colleague here? I've got the right person I

6:55Think you may have a secret

7:01You don't mind having a stalker? It's a very positive attitude. I don't mind. They can come and have a sniff round. I don't mind. Sometimes my husband's busy, so, you know, be fine. You're 53 this year. You're taking a break. You look fucking good on it, love. You'll be all right. What do you do for a living? a finance controller in the railway right you work for network rail fucking marvellous finance controller I believe is the nice way in the theatre of saying you got your tickets please

7:48let's call it what it fucking is when did the funny joke start

7:56This fucking guy. Who am I talking to? Hey, fatty boom boom.

8:03How are you, my friend? What's your name, mate? Mark. Like a stain.

8:15Little Mark came out and they went, what should we call him? Mark. Why do you want to call him Mark? Because he's going to ruin things. That balcony's nice, isn't it? They've redone the theatre. No, no, there's a mark on it.

8:32What do you do, Mark? You work for a healthcare company? What are you, an example to others?

8:47What are you working on currently? Type 3 diabetes?

8:52Look at the fucking state of it. It's like someone's drawn a face on a thumb mark. So you work for a healthcare company. What do you do for the healthcare company, Mark? You do training. You train the staff. Okay, good on you. And is this the missus, the mortified woman next to you? What's your name, love? Leona. Hi, Leona. I don't work in health and safety, but Leona, you go on top. All right, love.

9:29What's his cock like, Leona? I'm asking for a friend. It's Mark. He hasn't seen it in fucking years.

9:43Were those funny jokes, Mark? Happy to help? How are the kids? Fritz? How are the kids? Fritz. Fritz. Fritz. How are your kids Fritz? We'll get this. I don't want your speech impediment to stand in your way.

10:10When you're in Deutschland, you've had all the kids in the basement. When you were in Deutschland, you had all the kids in the basement. Oh, sorry, how are the kids Fritz? You're suggesting that I might be Joseph Fritzel. Okay, it's quite a leap of imagination. I know Joseph Fritzel is now out, un-fucking-lievably. But here's the thing about Fritzel. Does he get the credit he deserves? Now... Hey, I'm not saying... I'm not saying... I'm not saying... Incarcerating your children so that you can fuck them is a good thing. But we also have to consider the miracle of DIY... that is building a home under your home without anyone fucking noticing.

11:03I can't hang a fucking picture. He doesn't get the credit he deserves. Yo. Yo. Yo. Sorry, yo. Sorry, stop. Collaborate and listen. Ice is here with his brand new invention. What the fuck is going on here? Hang on, look, we found the bloated corpse of Vin Diesel.

11:37I didn't even know he drowned in a river, but look at him. What are you saying? You don't need to stand up, but just tell me. A paedophilic puppet from the Thunderbirds. A paedophilic puppet from the Thunderbirds is what I look like. Yeah, okay. I don't really get the paedophilic, but I look like the man that fucked you, do I?

12:04Can I say happy birthday to my twin? Can I say happy birthday to your twin? I imagine, so a bit of good news, it's also your birthday.

12:21What, sorry? What, sorry? Can I ask your date if she's alright? Because you couldn't get seats together.

12:35Where's the date? Who's with the... Who's high? And you're with the twin? Have they ever... What's your name, love? We're all thinking it. Have they ever double teamed you? Oh, we'll get this done in half the time. Am I scared of my girlfriend? How do you mean? Am I scared of her? No. Why would I be scared of her? What's the name? Most men are scared of their wives. You need to man up. The fuck are you talking about? Scared? No. I fucking love her. She's great. Who are you here with? Hello? The fuck did you do to him, bitch?

13:29This poor boy is frightened. He's frightened of you. I realise we've already covered domestic abuse and I know it's only a tiny percentage of cases but sometimes it's the woman that is the abuser. In a very small amount of cases it is the woman that abuses the man and makes him scared. And so I want you to know there is nothing the matter with being gay.

13:56The best day of my life was the birth of my first child. And that's because that was the day someone told me you don't pay capital gains tax on selling gold coins. That's why I partnered up with a pure gold company. I buy gold with them as a store of wealth and to protect against inflation. And, well, you can do that too. This is an advert. I'm suggesting you do that. But I'm not a financial advisor. Don't take my advice. Go and, you know, seek a professional financial advisor and then do what I tell you. Go and buy gold at the pure gold company. They'll tell you it's a good idea. I am not a grifter.

14:30I wouldn't sell you something that I don't use myself. So I use the Pure Gold Company. If you'd like to invest in physical gold as well, just click the link in the description or head to the pure-gold.co slash jimmy to get your free copy of their investor guide. That's pure-gold.co slash jimmy. Mention my name when you speak to them and you'll get six months of storage secure for your bullion absolutely free. My God, I'm good to you. I hope you enjoy the clip, I just want to say this, the best presents are never things, they're experiences. So if you're having difficulty in your relationship, if the passion is fading, then don't get her flowers or chocolates or jewellery.