Jimmy Carr Crowd Work: Calling an Audience Member's Husband Live On Stage! - Ipswich, England

0:00This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fruit Snacks. Back to school season can be tough on parents, but choosing a snack you and your kids can both get behind doesn't have to be. Stock up on Welch's Fruit Snacks, made with whole fruit, and now made with no artificial dyes. It's a snack kids already love, and one you can feel good about giving them. Go back to school with Welch's Fruit Snacks, now made with no artificial dyes. Hello, I'm Jimmy Carbwell. I'm with a crowd work. This is me in Ipswich where I call a lady's wife who thinks I'm shit. So, yeah, I think we had fun with it. What's my favourite thing about Ipswich?

0:41What's my favourite thing about Ipswich? Ah! It's hard to name one.

0:53Ah!

0:58Well, it's nice to come here. I mean, a lot of people think this new... You know, Trump's new tariffs. They think there's going to be an international... Not just a recession, but a depression. They think that the economy's going to be absolutely fucking decimated. So it's nice to come here and see what that will look like. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

1:29It's amazing that gets a round of applause here. You guys go, yeah, he's got a point. We're ahead of the curve.

1:39Husband thinks you're a wanker, so I'm here by myself. Where are you? Hi. What's your name? What's your name? Biddy. Biddy? Biddy? What year is it? Who the fuck is...? LAUGHTER I really appreciate it. Are you here with friends or just on your own? Just by yourself. Thank you so much for coming to see. Thank you. I really appreciate that. I'm not for everyone. APPLAUSE Now... These are the half of yours. LAUGHTER Hmm. Where's he tonight? Um, I have. He's at home. Should we call him?

2:29You think we should call him, though? It's up to you, but we should probably call him, shouldn't we?

2:43It's Biddy's other half. I'll have a chat. See what he says.

2:50Let's see if he's at home. Oh, yeah, Christ.

2:59Yeah, to switch your phone off. Oh, so now we're switching that back on. Well, this could take a minute. It's fine. I've got nothing but time. What's he called? Greg. Greg. Oh, fuck that guy. What does Greg do? He's got a lot of time. Huh? He's got a load of bakers. Nice. It's a fucking Greg's joke. Fucking get involved, people. We're passing the time while she works out her passcode. Oh, no, you can't put him on to me. You can't call him. Oh,

3:44hi, Greg. Hi, Greg. It's Jimmy Carr calling. Oh, hi, Greg. It's a slightly delicate matter. I'm here with Biddy, and there's been an accident. The condom broke.

4:10Biddy, thank you so much. I know you're going to be in trouble. Worth it.

4:19I'm so sorry for any discomfort that causes. I think I've proved you right, we've had fun, and I've proved him right, I'm also a dick. Yeah, that's... he's 100 % right. And a wig. Oh, the spray tan, the Donald Trump thing. Well, apparently Donald Trump's hair is easily explained by the lack of hair transplant in the 80s. you couldn't get one in the 80s so they used to do a thing called a what's it called? It's called a scalp reduction you ever heard about this? no, fucking alright, here's the story it used to be you couldn't get a hair transplant so what they would do is they would put a balloon between your scalp and your skull and they would blow up the skin over the course of a week so you'd look like a fucking alien and then when that was finished they'd take the balloon out, they would cut out the bald bit and sew that bit to that bit.

5:19Right? So his hairline, the bit that used to be there, is now fucking there. That's why his hair blows in weird directions, right? That's what a scalp production is. It's what Michael Jackson had done after the Pepsi thing. What the fuck? He made a commercial for Pepsi and they burnt his fucking hair off so he had a scalp production. Look, sometimes there's just useful information in the show. Useful's maybe a stretch, but you, yeah. Scout production, fucking Google it if you're interested. Was I well behaved at school? Was I well behaved at school? Towards the end, yeah. Until I was 16, I was a bit of a tear away, and then I moved schools, and I was very well behaved.

6:01Annoyingly so. I got nothing. What's your name, madam? Come on, you know this.

6:15Go on, what's your name? George. George. Christ, they wanted a boy, didn't they? You've had a little girl, what are you going to call her? George. They've got technology now. They could change it. What do you do, George? A district nurse. A district nurse? Right. Don't woo, because I'm not sure about that. Obviously the finest nurses are in the fucking hospitals. Of course they are. The best nurses are in the hospitals. The ones that are quite good are in doctor surgeries. And the ones that barely pass the exams are given a bike and told to fuck off. That's what we have here.

7:01She's off out. Does anyone need a nurse? I've got bandages.

7:10It's my call the midwife version of what you do. So what kind of people do you visit?

7:22Palliative patients? Well, you can't fucking go wrong, can you?

7:29Oh, hang on, I'm getting too much of that. Oh, he was expecting it, didn't I? I could get out of jail free. What? I'm just saying. Go on, palliative patients. What, any others?

7:50Nasty leg ulcers. It's a real fucking specialty, that, isn't it? Got a dammy leg.

8:01Come on, fucking excellent. Has anyone got a nasty leg ulcer? She's here, might as well use her.

8:12So what do you do for a living, sir?

8:18Guy that's turning 50, go on, what do you do? A catering manager. A catering manager. What kind of catering is this? What's going on? There's clearly more. In schools. In schools. You're a dinner lady. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

8:42It's one of those roles that's... It's gendered, it's just the way things are. It's not... It's not... It's not police officer, it's policemen. Firemen. Dinner lady.

9:02I don't know what to suggest, sir. Maybe a massive midlife crisis. Maybe a massive fuck-off tattoo. Just saying fucking dinner lady.

9:18Good on you. What kind of a school? Is it like a senior school? Private. Private. Private. Yes. So you've got turkey dinosaurs, but they're the... You've got like a proper T-Rex and a Velociraptor. Nice. Hi Jimmy, can you sign my plaster cast? Who's in plaster? Me. What have you done to yourself, mate? Broke my thumb. You broke your thumb?

9:54Sorry, there's a lady in a wheelchair down here crying. I'm sure he's going to be okay. We're going to start a GoFundMe. How did you break your thumb? A motorbike accident? I think you probably did quite well there. A broken thumb is not the worst thing that can happen. what was the accident? you were trying to get a lift

10:22and you were in a full cast for a broken thumb I'm going to check in with a friend district nurse is that fucking necessary?

10:36is it?

10:41district nurse couldn't give a fuck yeah sure I'll sign you, guys. Come here.

11:13dies.

11:16What? I've got a pen on me. It's fucking easy. Hey, man, no way. What's, um... Thank you. Ain't no problem at all. Um, careful on the fucking bike. Oh, he's broken his thumb. Huh? Ipswich Town Women. Ipswich Town Women. Football Club. Ipswich Town Women Football Club. What signed your cast? Yes. Some lesbian signed his car.

11:54Get well soon. Hi, Jimmy. Bit of advice, please. All my mates take the mickey out of me because despite being 30, I've still yet to date a woman younger than 46. The only attention I ever get is from cougars. Can you advise me how to make myself attractive to the younger woman. Where's the guy at 30? Where are you, mate? Hello. Hello. From just that hello, I'm guessing your sisters are much older, are they?

12:30Come on, Ipswich, you know what you did. What do you do, my friend? A quiz master. You're a quiz master? What? The fuck are you talking about? I'm the quiz master. It's not Dungeons and Dragons. What the f... I fucking host quizzes. Get off my lawn. Where do you host quizzes? You host quizzes in Lower Stoft? What kind of quiz... Are you a police officer? The only quizzing done in Lower Stoft is where were you on the night of the incident? what like pub quizzes pub quizzes in law and stuff fucking tremendous and you attract the older woman you do what do you mean unfortunately there's nothing the matter with a bit of granny fanny

13:27just go with it yeah it might be just 30 is a really key age because guys go for looks so beauty is a proxy for healthy and at 30 because women go for competence and men are incompetent until they're 30 fucking boys women don't find boys attractive, they find men attractive so it might switch for you now, you never know maybe

13:58I don't have a lot of dating advice for the quiz master stop thinking about what you want and think about what you have to offer No problem We'll move on Can you give me a passive aggressive message To send to my ex please His name is Charles Thank you Where's Charles' ex? Hi Diana's alive What happened in that tunnel? What, how come you broke up with Charles? What happened? He left you? What? Oh. Out of the blue. Out of the blue? Was it out of the blue? How long had you been together? Ten months. Ten months? Seven. OK, well, he fucking left, all right. Do you mind me asking, how old are you? Twenty-five.

14:58Twenty-five? Do you like quizzes?

15:11I don't know if he's got the chat. I imagine he'll... If he finds you, he'll go, I am in canoe, but not in kayak. If you get my drift. Fucking be normal.

15:28I don't think you can passively, aggressively text a guy you broke up with. I think anything you text has the same message in it. which is just, you know, conflict equals contact. So just leave it. I think... There's a lovely old Scottish phrase, what's for you won't go by you. If he couldn't see how great you are, go to where you wanted. Fuck that guy. Good luck.