Jimmy Explains Immigration to a Scottish Chef in Texas - San Antonio, Texas

0:00From athletic stuff like a full-court pickup game, swish, to athletic-ish stuff like a half-mile stroll. Get those steps in! Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it. Oh, hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is Jimmy Carr Crowdwork. This is me in San Antonio, September 2025. Enjoy! How do I like Texas? I like it. It's like America turned up to 11. That's it. That's it. That's fucking... Excellent, I got no notes. Very friendly, very nice people. I think the friendliness might be related to the open carry policy.

0:48Woo! I like it. I like everything about it. I like the food, I like the people, I like the crowds. Fucking what's not to like? You've never been told that you look like a hot Richard Nixon. I look like a hot Richard Nixon.

1:09Yeah. No, but I very much like it.

1:18That is a dating profile I feel you would have no trouble swiping left on. Hot Richard Nixon. No, thank you, Tricky Dicky.

1:33What's the reason? No, I forgot about it.

1:42They tell you not to but I fucking did. What are they doing?

1:49Sorry, but you've reminded me, we should probably do a land acknowledgement tonight because the land that we're standing on right now used to belong to the king.

2:04Yeah, heartbreaking when you think about it, isn't it?

2:12What, sorry? It was never part of British territory. Yeah, but it's just a joke, wasn't it? So...

2:26No, we actually stole this bit from the Mexicans. You're not taking a lot of high moral ground there. You even fucking bothered to change the name of the stuff you fucking stole. Jesus. The brass neck of you guys. That's part of America now, what are you gonna call it? Nah, same thing. Doesn't matter. We've invented a new kind of food. What's it called? Tex-Mex. Have you? That's yours, is it?

3:07Yoink.

3:15Abortion? Well, Americans, I've noticed, are very sensitive about abortion. no matter how much I try and reason with an American about abortion, they will not let me perform one.

3:31How big is too big? What's right? How big is too big? Have you got an enormous vagina? Have you?

3:46It's a right old bucket on her.

3:51Looks like a badger that's been hit with a shotgun.

3:57Like a ripped out fireplace.

4:08Is that not what you meant? I'm so sorry.

4:13When you feed a woman wedding cake, all of a sudden their pussy dries up. When you feed a woman wedding cake, all of a sudden their pussy dries up. Okay, sir, I'm not sure the wedding cake is the issue there.

4:33I think you may be the issue. You may be right. I can't help but notice you've got a patch on, sir. Now, we're landlocked.

4:53What? What's going on? You got an infection, you lost an eye, what happened? When you were a kid, you had cataracts, and you went blind in that eye, and you thought a patch is the way to go. Fucking tremendous.

5:13I don't see enough of that, it's fucking cool. Like fucking Dr Hook's in. I love it. And what do you do, sir? You have an online business. Okay.

5:31Could mean anything. I was hoping you were going to say archer.

5:39You only need one fucking eye. Do you have Mexicans in England? Do I have Mexicans in England? Are you looking for work, sir?

5:58Yeah, we'll take you.

6:05We've got very few Mexicans in the UK, I would say. I would say not enough, frankly. Lovely. What's up? Sierra has all the best active and outdoor brands for the super athletic stuff, like running gear for cruising up the trail. Woo! And the super-athlet-ish stuff, like fishing gear for chilling by the creek. Nice cast. Fitness apparel to push for higher reps. You got this! And golf balls priced so you can afford to lose one. Or a few. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it. Long swim. It's a long swim.

6:56Wow.

6:59Okay, we'll go to him. Go on, what are you saying, champ? It might be a long swim, but he can do it.

7:12Christ, he'll be out there tomorrow morning with his armbands on in a Home Depot going, And where is he?

7:29Last time you came to see me, you crashed my dinner? Okay, well...

7:37That's fine, you're allowed. No problem at all. How could you not be rude? You could've just left me the fuck alone, I guess.

7:51No, you're more than welcome, of course. Thanks for coming back. It's nice to see you. Butt stuff, yes or no? Butt stuff, yes or no? I'm going to go, I'm going to go, for you, yes. But only because of your enormous vagina. It's going to be very difficult to get any kind of purchase on that.

8:17What's your favourite city? Favourites? To perform. To perform? Wow. No, no, genuinely, Austin. They... Oh, they're livid. All right, don't cry. They haven't got a river walk with, which seems to be lined only with perimenopausal women this evening.

8:47for just wandering around telling me Jesus is king. All right.

8:55Happy birthday to my Scottish Michelin star chef husband that loves you. Where's the Scottish lad? Hi. And you've got a Michelin star or you're a good chef? I do, yeah. You do? You do? What's the... What's... Is the restaurant in San Antonio? No, no, no, it's in Scotland. It's in Scotland? What, so you're just here on holiday? No, no, I've moved here. You've moved here? You've moved here to marry a Mexican?

9:35Your timing could not be worse, sir. This is...

9:43This is like a scene from Spinal Tap. You don't get a green card because you get married. You've got to marry one of the locals.

9:55Oh, Christ. Heartbreaking. All right, let's move on. I... I postponed prostate surgery just to see you live. Barry, where are you, Barry? Where's Barry? Barry, thank you, I think. So what, are you having the prostate removed? What are you? Trimmed. Is it purely cosmetic? Is it... I just feel like I'll have more confidence with a smaller prostate.

10:34Well, let this... I mean, if there's any message to the show, get your fucking prostate checked. A fella in the glittery vest. He'll be happy to have a look at it for you.

10:53He's given me a thumbs up. And you said it was fine. And then just wandered back into the woods. God love you. All right, what else? Good luck, Barry. Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr. Thanks for listening. Now, I know you're thinking, how can I be more like Jimmy? Well, off the top of my head, you could have cosmetic surgery, a hair transplant, and get your teeth pimped. But also, you could buy gold. Gold has retained its value over the years far more so than cash. And it comes with less anxiety than crypto or Pokemon card investments. I buy gold with a pure gold company, and you can too. Now, obviously, I'm not a financial advisor, so, you know, go and see one of those before you invest all your money in gold.

11:39and then, you know, go buy gold. In all seriousness, if you are looking to protect your wealth with physical gold, then I highly recommend the Pure Gold Company. Just click the link in the description or head to the pure-gold.co slash jimmy to get your free copy of their investor guide. That's pure-gold.co slash jimmy. Mention my name when you speak to them and you'll get six months of secure storage for your bullion absolutely free. Yeah, I'm very good to you. If you want to be in the room and actually heckle me, you're going to need a ticket. Go to jimmycar.com and buy one. The right window treatments change everything.