Jimmy Helps an American Prepare for Life in the UK (Sort Of) - San Francisco, California

0:01Late night bites with friends? Already hard to beat. That first too hot bite of fries you couldn't wait for, followed by ice cold Pepsi. Now that hits different. Suddenly, the energy kicks back in, the night goes longer, and the laughs don't stop. Because Pepsi brings out more flavor, more fun, and more of the moment. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a Pepsi Zero Sugar today. Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr. This is Jimmy Carr Crowdwork, the podcast where Jimmy Carr does crowdwork. This is me in San Francisco, helping an American to start a new life in the UK. Enjoy. No, I've been to San Francisco before. I've not been to this theatre.

0:40This is magnificent, isn't it?

0:47It's his 21st birthday. Hi, sir. You all right? Let's find out about him. What's your name? What's he? James, you alright James? What do you do James? You sell gym memberships? Fucking right James. Can I make a suggestion? Are you familiar with a man called Alex Harmozie? Okay, you write it down, get your phone out, write it down. Alex Harmozie, right, he's got two books, and he's got a website and he is the best at that. Just do what he says, he says, and you'll do very well. Yeah. He's good. He's good with a quote as well. He came up with my favourite quote of the last sort of ten years. He said, self-confidence doesn't come from shouting aphorisms in the mirror.

1:40It comes from giving the world irrefutable proof you are who you say you are.

1:52Good luck.

1:57He's 21. That's a fucking big deal. 21's a big birthday.

2:05Are you having a drink this evening? Is it going to be your first drink? No, because he's 21 in America. That would be your first drink, wouldn't it? What? Have you been breaking the law? You to-rag. Have you tried... Oh, what's the drug they all... Fentanyl. Have you tried... Just have a little bit, it's quite strong. What, sorry? Why did you stop laughing like a starchy?

2:44I don't know where you're from.

2:50Is that an accent or are you retarded? That feels... It feels rude to ask, doesn't it? But... Where are you from, mate? From Africa.

3:08Okay. Well, don't worry. I won't tell.

3:17Yeah, there's been, I think we're calling it a vibe shift.

3:25When can AI replace my job? When can AI replace my job? I don't know if it can. It depends. Yesterday.

3:38I now feel like the guy in Blade Runner. Oh wait, am I not real? I look real. No. It's all been a simulation, hasn't it? Fuck. It depends what you think my job is. Could AI take my job? It depends what you think the job is. I think a lot of people think my job is jokes and it's not. It's joy.

4:08I, I'll level with you San Francisco, I'll be honest with you, I am a drug dealer. And the two drugs I deal in are dopamine and serotonin. And the genius of my scheme is the drugs are already on you. I'm just releasing them. You're doing the work.

4:39How what? How long is my dick? Right now. Well, I... I... When I came on stage, I had, like... Give us a wave. Where's this lady? You down there? Oh, yeah. I came on stage. I'll level with you. I was semi-erect. But then I saw you and it's gone.

5:20Alright. Going back to the moon? Going back to the moon? I'm not from the moon.

5:31Make a joke about physicists. Make a joke about physicists. Are you a physicist? Who is? Your dad's a physicist. Alright. Your mum fucked a nerd.

5:58He'd been married 30 years, he's still pathetically grateful.

6:05I love physicists. I think, I mean, I'm of the opinion, everything else is, physics is the only science. Everything else is stamp collecting. It's an extraordinary thing. He's given us everything. Everything that you, you know, the mobile phones, the tech, the light, it's fucking amazing. Well done, you the physicist. Go on. How do you feel about Kanye? How do I feel about Kanye? I think, I feel bad for Kanye because I think he's genuinely a genius, like a next-level genius, but with that, the responsibility that comes with a genius, the burden of a genius is it comes with mental health problems, and I think he's mad as a fucking nail.

6:46But a genius, a man to be... You can admire his work and separate it from the crazy shit he says. Like, I don't think he's a Nazi, I just think he's like a kid that's learnt a naughty word in the playground, and he's running around shouting it.

7:04He needs help. He needs help. And the worst healthcare, the people that get the worst healthcare are the very, very, very poor and the very, very, very rich.

7:19They get nothing. They get anything they fucking want. And what he needs is help. Look, I mean... The perfect lunch combo. That first bite of your favorite sub, followed by ice-cold Pepsi. Add a couple of friends, and now that's next level. Suddenly, the laughs get louder, the stories keep flowing, and the food tastes better. Because Pepsi brings out more flavor, more fun, and more of the moment. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a Pepsi Zero Sugar today. You did it in America. We did the same thing in the UK. We shut down the asylums, the mental asylums. Do you think we did that because we ran out of crazy?

8:04No. Huh? Yeah? What's your favourite state you've been to and why is it Florida? What?

8:18That is a fucking heckle. You all hear that? He said, what's your least favourite state you've been to and why is it Florida?

8:31Perfect. Nothing but net.

8:39Hi Jimmy, my husband Enrico is turning 40 on 6ixx. He hates it when people call him Enrique. Enrique? Fucking help me out here. Enrique. By mistake. What? Oh, is he a Rico? Oh, all right.

9:02I don't really understand. Is this like how they got the mafia? It was a Rico... I don't fucking know what's going on. Okay. And he's so fly... What? And he's so fly, he fractured a rib on our daughter's bunk bed. Oh. Just got the x-ray done today. Please welcome him to his 40s.

9:24Enrico, where are you, mate? Enrico, well there, you have to stop fucking your daughter. You're going to hurt yourself.

9:44That's going to be a very silent drive home, isn't it? Happy 40th. 40? What do you do? What do you do, my friend? Visual effects. Okay. Movies. Yeah, well, San Francisco.

10:03Very much the centre of the movie business.

10:09Do you want to tell him? You're not good at it or you'd live somewhere else.

10:21Hang on, what kind of movies? Your daughter's not in them, is she? Oh no! My wife and I are here celebrating a few milestones. Seven years together, three years married, and my fourth year still alive and battling colon cancer at stage four, looking forward to the laughs. Where are you? Where are these glorious people? Where are you? Where am I looking? Oh, there. Hey man, how are you? Still here.

10:57That's all there is. Yeah. That's a lot to be staring down the barrel of that, my friend. Are you in remission at the moment, or? Still active cancer stage four here. Active stage four. Oh, fucking hell, man. I hope tonight is giving you some respite from that, and I really appreciate you coming in. I really do.

11:28I mean, the rest of us can only imagine that, my friend, is a pain in the arse. Should I marry my girlfriend, Katie? She's hot, but a lot. Where are you, my friend? Where's the guy? Here. Go on, where are you, mate? Hi. Oh, it's over here. Can we turn the lights up? Let's have a look. Where's... Is Katie here?

11:56How long have you guys been together? Eight months. Eight months.

12:14That guy's a fucking idiot.

12:19Katie, are you a lot? Are you quite high maintenance? You're not high maintenance. What do you do for a living, Katie? What do you do for a living? I do hair. You what, sorry? I do hair. You do hair, but you were busy? I was a mom.

12:38Well, because you didn't have time to do your own.

12:43What about you, my friend? What do you do? I do tech. You do tech. And does that, Katie, does that, does that, he's an IT guy, does that, does that turn you off and then turn you back on again.

13:02I don't know, you've been together eight months a lot. What I would suggest is you go away for ten days together and a holiday is like three months of a relationship. Go away for three months. If you don't have a row, if you get on great, then lean into it. And if you have a row, go your separate ways. I don't know. You don't need my permission, do what you like.