Jimmy's Cutthroat Shutdown of "Professional" Psychic - Detroit, Michigan

0:00Hey Chicago, class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up, it shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Crocs store today. Oh hello, I'm Jimmy Carr. This is Jimmy Carr Crowdwork where Jimmy Carr does crowd work. I mean, it's kind of obvious. This is me in Detroit talking to a professional psychic. Yeah, there'll always be greedy charlatans. Enjoy.

0:44It's a beautiful sunny day and the fucking, the city's looking wonderful, isn't it? You've, you've had a fucking makeover. She's full of fucking hipsters and good coffee now. What's going on? What happened? Gentrification. Gentrification. Yes. I know sometimes there's a negative connotation to gentrification, but I came to Detroit before gentrification, and I'd say, you've had an upgrade.

1:22Way to be late to your own show. Why was I late to my own show? Way to be late. Way to be late. I was like, we started, what, 15 minutes late? Where do you need to fucking be, sir? Look at you.

1:39You're wearing a peach shirt, sir. Where do you need to be? I know you need to have a big conversation with your girl.

1:56But I imagine you've been avoiding that for some years. I imagine you found that shirt, sir, right in the back of the closet you live in.

2:11It's quiet. Where does the comedy start? Sir, I don't think you can do that accent.

2:25I'm not sure if that's okay in this day and age. I think even if you're Indian, that seems a stretch too far. That really... The Simpsons had to cut that whole character. No, please, be reasonable. Why haven't you been deported? Why haven't I been deported?

2:50from here.

2:55Because I have proof of extraordinary talent.

3:07That's literally what it says on my visa.

3:13It's like, even I thought, I mean, I do jokes. Why does my man go limp in the middle of sex? Why does your man go limp in the middle of sex? Does he turn the lights on, love?

3:30That.

3:35No offense to you, but you're what dimmer switches were invented for.

3:43if you notice the dimmer switch is only in the bedroom really it's just as the years go by

3:57huh what sorry

4:03your your your your husband's you're saying 14 years you're senior Yes. OK. I can't fix your daddy issues in this forum. I don't know. Hello, sir.

4:28I notice you've solved for youth and beauty, not for personality. I imagine you're regretting your choice right now.

4:46Jimmy, I'm thinking of proposing to my girlfriend soon any recommendations on what I should or shouldn't do. Where's this guy? Is this you? Hi, sir. How long have you been with this girl? Three years. Three years? Eh.

5:06Was the rush? I just want to. You just want to propose to her? Yeah. Okay. And is she all right with your... Sexuality?

5:19Feels like you just want a big day, don't you, sweetheart?

5:26I just want it to be special. What? I'm his father. You're his father? So you've always known? Sure. Sure. Well, this is kind of a nice way for him to tell you. Much nicer than you walking in going, yes, that is come on my mustache.

5:53So you've been with this girl three years. What do you do for living, my friend? A physician's assistant. A physician's assistant. I don't know what we're trapping for. He's a nurse.

6:08Are you trapped down a well? The fuck was that noise? What do you mean? Do you mean like their personal assistant for a doctor? No, I treat patients. I just work underneath the doctor. You treat patients, but you're underneath the doctor. I bet you are. Yeah.

6:28It's the power, isn't it?

6:55Visit your nearest Crock store today.

7:29Also, there's a guy there in a salmon shirt that wants his dick sucked.

7:38He just went, I can help with that.

7:43God love you. Alright, what else we got? Toughest gig. I don't think there are any tough gigs. Here's the thing, right? I'm a comedian, so I'm here to serve the audience, right? I'm an entertainer. It's the thing with entertainers, if you don't love me, I don't love me. That's the curse of the entertainer. If a gig goes badly, if you have a really tough gig, artists don't give a fuck what other people think of their work. So if it's a good gig, I'm an entertainer. If it's a bad gig, I actually give myself a promotion, I'm an artist.

8:21If I have a bad gig, I walk away going, they just didn't understand.

8:27And then a bit of me goes, well, I'll fucking write some more jokes. I can't help but notice, sir, you've got an eye patch. Is that, I mean, I don't know what the, okay. Arrgh.

8:48You've got a fucking eye patch, leave me alone.

8:55Shiver me timbers, how are ya? No. What happened, man? Is there a story? Torn retina. Just a torn retina? Oh, you're having it fixed then? I've had five. You've had five surgeries. Fucking go to a professional. Stop messing about.

9:13Where are you going? CVS? Just let the pharmacist have a look at it. What do you do for a living, my friend? Right now, nothing. Right now, nothing. You were a truck driver. Well, that's a fucking tough station, my friend. Yeah, how are you coping with that? You all right? You a better half? Well, I really wish you well. That's a fucking, that's a very tough thing. I think we all do, yeah. It's hard, man. I mean, his missus is fucking stunning. It's so... Eh, eh, you're doing all right. I'm a professional psychic in the crowd. I tuned into your energy. Planes, sleep, pillows, convos, you are bored with.

10:07The most random thing, asparagus and cream. Lol, have you eaten that recently? Like pickled asparagus, sour cream, let me know. Where's the professional psychic? Where are you? Where? Hi. Let's have a look.

10:32Hello. And what first attracted you to the greedy charlatan business?

10:42Extracting money from the recently bereaved. for fuck you're not you're a psychic no you're not

10:59and do you know how I know that no one is there's actually an easy way to tell if your house is haunted it isn't at best you're schizophrenic

11:19Oh,

11:23God love you. Very nice to have you here, though. What, sorry? Did you eat asparagus? No. I haven't had asparagus. See, what happens tonight? What if I eat asparagus? I don't think it counts as a prediction if you suggest it.

11:47Traditionally, of course, the first day of the year to eat asparagus is Shakespeare's birthday, which may be the fanciest thing I've ever said.