"My Fiancé's a Professional Mermaid!" - Brighton, England

0:00This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro Plans. Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and welcome to Jimmy Carr Crowdwork, a podcast in which I do crowdwork. I'm in Brighton this time for my fiancée is a professional mermaid.

0:41Yeah, I met a lady that's a magical mermaid and, well, hilarity ensued. What's your name, my friend? Come on, you know this.

0:55Patrick! Hi, Patrick. What do you do, Patrick? I'm doing graphics. You what, sorry? Clean carpets. You clean carpets? Of course you fucking do. Everyone's got their gift. Yours is cleaning carpets. Doesn't spot a fucking hoovering. And what do you... Where are you cleaning this? Is this in domestic? Yeah. Just there's been an accident, there's a massive fucking blood stain, and you go, yeah, I don't ask any questions, I'll just clean the fucking carpet, mate. Okay. We'll check in with you later. I'm sure that'll come in fucking handy.

1:40I feel like I should be funnier because he's been cleaning me fucking carpets all day. I'll make more of a fucking effort is what I'll do. Where did you get your teeth done? Where did you get your teeth done? Are you Scottish or alcoholic? Well, it's because it's a... It's a fine line, isn't it? Oh, fucking Buckfast, by the way. What are you in the witness relocation program? Sent you as far away as they fucking could. Yeah, fucking... Would you like talking to you because my name sounds right in your accent? I fucking... What do you do, my friend? You're a window cleaner. Well, don't tell people that, my friend, because, you know, you're in Brighton here, you want to impress the locals.

2:34These are a fucking cosmopolitan crowd. Tell people you help maintain a device that allows people to see through walls.

2:44It's intriguing, isn't it? Fucking quite complicated. Okay.

2:53Window cleaner. It was too complicated. What kind of a window cleaner are you? Are you...

3:02Is it that kind? There's two kinds of people that wear baseball caps, aren't there? There's the hipster cool guys, and then there's the retards.

3:17I have a feeling Mummy was a drinker, was she?

3:23Not a lot of oxygen around during your birth, was there? God love you, thank you for being here. Cleaning windows. Fucking great we get the carpets done. This place could be spotless.

3:38Take it off. Take it off.

3:43You wish. That's a very Brighton fucking thing, isn't it? Couple of fellas, yeah, it's all very well, but get your cock out, come on. It's only gay if you cum

4:01Is that Is that the case? I'll check in It's not gay if you don't push back It's not gay if you do it as a bet

4:17It's different in prison, we understand that my friend It's different for you. I presume he's done a bit of time. Of course he fucking has. Look at him. Any other questions? What else? What's your body count? What's your name? What's your body count? How many people have I killed? Very few. And I'll never be caught. Because I have the carpets professionally cleaned afterwards.

4:49A body count, it's hard to say my body count, because I fucked your mum. Does she count as two?

5:05She's a one-woman threesome.

5:12Slapped her arse, I rode the wave in.

5:17I don't know, you might not have a big fat slag mum, but... Let's go with it, it's a lot of fun. Have you ever driven a digger?

5:30There's a man from the olden days here.

5:36Have I ever driven a digger, like a JCB-style digger? Yeah, I've had a go on one of those. I mean, for a TV show, not as a job. But yeah, I've had a go on them. They were very... Have you... Sorry, it's rude to answer a question with another question, but have you... What's your name, mate? Digger. Your name's Digger.

6:04When in Brighton... Am I being propositioned here? Ah, ah!

6:14Christ. Where are you from?

6:21What are we? Where are you from, mate? Diggerland. Diggerland? It's a safe bet. I've just turned 16. What's the first thing you think I should do? Hang on one second. That was all a bit garbled at the beginning. You've just turned what? I've just turned 16 this week. What's the first thing you think I should do? You've just turned 16. Yeah. Okay. I would not do anything. You're not in a rush. It's all in front of you. Fucking relax. What do you want to do? What's your plan for life? Digger driving.

7:03Digger, stop it. You're now grooming. Unacceptable.

7:11This lad's just turned 16. He's the fucking future. What's your name, mate? What's your name? Freddie. Freddie. Okay. What do you want to do, Freddie? What's your plan for life? Carpet cleaning. Carpet cleaning. He's not just picking from the three jobs we've had so far.

7:31Go on, Freddie. What's your plan? I want to do something that involves travelling. You want to do something that involves travelling? Have you considered becoming a drug mule?

7:42There's a lot of travel involved. Obviously, you have to put everything in your prison pocket, but Digger can help you with that. He's probably got some amyl nitrate on him.

7:59Travel. I don't fucking know.

8:07What do you think of women's football? What do I think of women's football? Well I didn't realise until the last, I mean this is my ignorance, I didn't realise until the last Olympics that women's football is in the Olympics, not the Paralympics.

8:27That's an interesting one that, because if you're offended, which many of you may be, are you offended because you think women's football is shit or the Paralympics is shit? Which... Both. Both. Okay, soldier, you're at the right gig. What's your biggest regret? What's my biggest regret? Er... I know it sounds like a dick thing to say, I don't really have regrets. I'm very much all about that. I'm more fatty. You aware of that? That kind of... the lover of fate. Everything that's happened brought me here, and I fucking love it here.

9:11I shouldn't have fucked his fat mom.

9:17It's all cleared up now. It's fine. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Turns out it was just salad dressing, but it dried.

10:00Why did that make it worse? Who knew?

10:05Have you got any big regrets? What's your big regret? No, I like to live by the same... Yeah, it's a nice thought, isn't it? That idea of where you're meant to be. I don't know. Fucking... It's good. What story? Digger man. I'm starting to think that's probably the only thing that you can say. If you need help cleaning the windows, this guy's fucking here for you. It's your greatest adventure.

10:41Well, the comedy, I guess, is that thing, this is advice for the 16-year-old, you've got two great adventures in life. First, finding what you want to do, and secondly, pursuing it. But there's sort of two key things. Like, the next ten years is about fucking finding it. Good luck. It may not be window cleaning, spoiler alert. Jimmy, it's my fiancé's birthday today. She's a professional magician mermaid. Of course she is. How fucking brightened is that sentence? She's a professional magician mermaid, currently unable to work due to disability after getting an infection while mermaiding in a water tank that hadn't been properly cleaned.

11:24Got any jokes about that? Wow. Probably none that you haven't heard. It's quite a... I mean, most comics have got a bit about mermaids and unclean... What the fuck are you people talking about? Where's the mermaid magician? Hi? What the fuck is he talking about? It's on the boat! So you were a mermaid magician? Yeah. What tank were you working in? It was on the sea front, one of the Paddle Around the Pier events that Brighton had. So you were on the pier in a mermaid's... Yeah, yeah. And can I ask, are you bottom half fish or top half fish? Because I know there's a strong preference for bottom half fish.

12:11But I'll roll the dice. What's that mean? Usually bottom half. Usually bottom half. OK. And what injury? What did you get? Finus infection. And that stops you doing magic?

12:31It's not often I say this. I wouldn't put myself on the right of politics, but I think we need to overhaul the benefit system. I think... We can't have them just swimming up to shore. collecting for a sinus infection. The fuck are you even talking about? And what kind of magic did you do out of interest? The sinus infection led to a brain spine inflammation. So it makes sense. A spine inflammation? Yeah. Well, I'm not sure you need a spine if you're half fish. You could just wobble about in the water. I'm very sympathetic. So you got a sinus infection and that led to a brain infection. Yeah. Okay.

13:20And how's that manifested? I can't walk very well. You can't walk very well? Well, all I know about this is the film Splash. So I don't think I'm well qualified, but that might be just because you only got legs recently.

13:41because your wish came true. Maybe you should go back to living under the sea.