“No One’s Expecting It” - Jimmy's First Act As a Politician - Ghent, Belgium

0:01This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome? That's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required, compatibility and availability varies 18+. Hello and welcome to Jimmy Carr Crowdwork where I, Jimmy Carr, do crowdwork I wasn't a long ideas meeting on the title This time I'm in Ghent and I'm chatting with a variety of audience members about their jobs including a penetration tester Yeah, I forget but it sounds weird Let's have a listen Did you iron the suit yourself?

0:49Did you iron the suit yourself? There's a troublingly Irish man over here. So your work here is done, the roads are finished.

1:07Don't forget yourself if you want to go to work. Just for him that. What do you do, sir? I'm a penetration tester.

1:24A penetration tester. Okay, now that's not the end of a conversation, is it? No. No one's ever heard, oh, you're a penetration tester. Well, right you are, then move on. The fuck are you talking about? Have you rebranded being a pedophile?

1:55What do you test? Computers. You test computers and you break into them. But you've tried to make it sound a little bit sexy. I admire you, sir. You've done very well. That turned her off and then turned her on again.

2:19And what about you? What do you do, birthday girl? I'm a marketing consultant. A marketing consultant? I don't really know what that involves these days. What do you market? What are you selling? Webshops, websites... Selling websites? Have you got an OnlyFans account? Yeah, I'm a marketing shelling website. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, you like this? You like a look at this? Yeah. It's just one dollar a month. Yeah, have a look at this. Nice. Yeah, I'd like to have a look at it. What's your name, sir? Bet. Bert.

2:58Bet. Bert. Yeah, no one gets their name right straight away. No one just knows their own name. You've always got to hear it first, haven't you? Bet? No, that's not it. Bert? Oh, that's it. Yeah. No one just knows it.

3:24It's nice to meet you, Bert. I'm Jat... Jimmy? Yeah. Yeah, that sounds right. I hate woke. You hate woke. Go back to bed.

3:43I hate woke. You did sound like a caveman saying that, didn't you? Mongo hate woke.

3:53Go on, so you hate woke, go on. Anything like that, political correctness. Anything like that comes. You don't like political correctness or wokeness? I think you're going to be okay at this show. I don't imagine we're going to have a problem. At no point will there be any DEI going on here. You're going to be okay. Can you roast Belgium? Can I roast Belgium? What? No, because I fucking love Belgium. And you know why? No, pedophiles. It's fucking... I can't really make jokes about it because it's so many things where you just all go, Yeah, chocolate, then pedophiles. And really, we only have the chocolate for the children.

4:43Your main export is like a by-product from trying to lure children in. Until recently, most of your houses were made of gingerbread.

4:55Don't forget about cocaine. Don't forget about cocaine. Oh, there's a lot of cocaine coming in in Amtour, isn't there? Yeah, people getting fucking AK-47'd. Jesus. Well, nice. Nice little bit of cocaine. That'll keep the pedos up.

5:17Sorry, I've said pedophile too many times. It's penetration engineer. I can tell you what you're saying.

5:29Yes, I'm just on the computer testing where the penetration is.

5:36My wife's just doing some marketing next door.

5:43What's the first change you would make as a politician? The first change I would make as a politician? Great fucking news. the tax code would be different. Oh, yeah. You better believe it. I don't know what fucking... I would go hog wild nuts. I'd start invading places. No one's fucking expecting it. You know who's not expecting it? The French. I'm fucking serious. We have got an amazing track record. Look at the fucking stats. The British versus the French. We could fucking do this. We can take them. I don't know what we do when we get them. Presumably just nick a lot of cheese and wine and fuck off home.

6:35They still have the Bayer tapestry. How old are you, great? Do you think that might be a factor in this? You're thinking of invading France? Well, they've got the Bayer tapestry. Okay, news just in, no one gives a fuck.

6:59Fucking tapestry, that is not how we record our news anymore. What's happened? Donald Trump's been elected, right, I'll get my sewing kit. I would like to do it. If you could choose one superpower, what would it be? If I could choose one superpower, what would it be? Cold War Russia.

7:22What are we doing? I'm subjugating the masses with my superpower. Were you more like flying? This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome? That's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required, compatibility and availability varies 18+.

7:59Maybe.

8:03What would you go for? Being invisible. You'd be invisible. As opposed to flying, you would be invisible. The fuck are you... just... You can accomplish everything you want to accomplish on Pornhub. You want to see naked ladies getting changed is all you want to do. I want to be invisible. What for? Also, they're going to see the fucking ectoplasm. They're going to think the changing room's haunted. What do you do, my friend? I own a bar. You own a bar? What, here in...? Oh, right. What kind of bar? A beer bar. Like a beer bar. Yes, I know what bars are. But sometimes, and I'm not racially profiling here, but it might be an Irish pub.

8:50It's not an Irish pub. It's the fucking, the local beer. The local beer here is fucking insane. Have you ever had that stuff made by the monks? Our mate got us the stuff. You know the stuff you can only get if you fucking live here? You know that weird fucking thing? Yeah, where you have to get some fucking fool to go and buy it for you and bring it. We got one of those and we're like, how good could it be? Pretty fucking good. What's the name of the beer? What's the name of the beer? I don't know. I mean, she's called fucking great. I'll ask. What's it called? Vlasblüten. I think one of the Nazis stayed.

9:32And he said, I don't know what it means, but Vlasblüten. Vlasblüten. You made it out of the fucking bunker alive, did you?

9:47Hi Jimmy, my friend Bart would like to come backstage to touch your nipples for free or for 20 euros if free is not an option. Is that okay? Kind regards, it's his birthday. His Bart day. Ha ha ha ha. Where's Bart? Where are you Bart?

10:15For free! For free I say Bart.

10:24Sucking is touching right? You sound like a lot of fun Bart. What do you do my friend? You touch nipples. You touch nipples. Okay. Some more career opportunities here. If you've trained in a celebrity football team, you'd have your own football chance. What? I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say, what?

10:56What are you saying, my friend? If you played in a celebrity football team, you would have your own football chant. Okay, have you prepared said football chant? No. Okay, what is the football chant? I'm funny, my famous face is tighter than my anus. I'm funny, I'm famous, my face is tighter than my anus.

11:21Are you saying that I have a loose anus or a tight face? What are we saying?

11:30here. The best way to hide a dead hooker, I would say, ideally, first thing on the checklist should be, in a crowded theatre, don't shout about it.

11:52I've committed a terrible crime. Can someone help please? It's a bad look, my friend. The best way to hide a dead hooker? I mean, uh... I don't know. I always think when you read about things like anything involving a shallow grave, you go, come on. I mean, I don't mind the murdering, but fucking put your back into it. Come on. It's not like it's in the middle of winter when you're murdering. Come on. The first day as the Pope. The first day as the Pope.

12:27I don't know, fuck some kids I guess I mean that's a fucking I take that kind of as an insult what if you were the Pope, what if I was king of the pedos, what?

12:46Is he in charge? I've never really understood that thing though the Islamic fundamentalist suicide bombers, right, blow themselves up to get 72 virgins when they die. Become a Catholic priest and have them now.

13:06Which crime would you commit if no one after you would be able to? Ooh, that's a fucking great question. Is that, uh... Is that... Parfit? I think that might be one of Derek Parfit's moral dilemmas. Someone's studying fucking philosophy in the first year. The, uh... Okay, so if I commit the crime, no one can ever commit it again. Suicide!

13:39That might...

13:44You are a fucking genius. You've got no guilt and you go, no one's ever going to do this again once I do it. Fucking great. That would be, it's a great thought. Children should be safe.

14:00I would fuck some kids before I kill myself, obviously. That's a given.

14:09Great question, I love it. Full disclosure, if you mention my name when you buy gold at the Pure Gold Company, they will give me a tiny bit more gold. That's how this all works. I wouldn't lie to you, just being honest. I am not a grifter. I wouldn't sell you something that I don't use myself. So I use the Pure Gold Company. If you'd like to invest in physical gold as well, just click the link in the description or head to the pure-gold.co slash jimmy to get your free copy of their investor guide. That's pure-gold.co slash jimmy. Mention my name when you speak to them and you'll get six months of storage secure for your bullying absolutely free.

14:47My God, I'm good to you. If you want to be in the room and actually heckle me, you're going to need a ticket. Go to jimmycar.com and buy one.