The Time Jimmy Carr Compared the Royal Family to the Kardashians - Seattle, Washington State

0:00Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr. This is me in Seattle talking about the royal family and the Kardashians. One in the same, in my opinion, one in the same. Welcome to Seattle! Thank you very much. I think the mayor's in and he's drunk.

0:16It's very nice to be here. It's fucking lovely, this, isn't it? What a beautiful theatre, nice people. Fucking great. Thanks for coming out. Your hair looks great from the balcony. My hair looks great from the balcony. Thank you. That felt ever so slightly, he puts the lotion on his skin.

0:36You've got to work on tone there, sir. That was a nice thing to say, but... Your hair looks nice from the balcony.

0:52I'm going to stuff a pillow with it. and sleep so soundly. What, sorry? Your worst airport experience. My worst airport experience? Uh... Uh... I don't think I've had any bad airport experience. I mean, sometimes you've got to fucking wait for security, but, uh... I'd fucking rather that than things blowing up. As opposed to what? It's all right. I don't mind it. I don't mind the airport. I kind of... Here's how I think about it, right? I think boredom is underrated. Boredom is seen as a bug, but it's not. It's a feature. Boredom is unappreciated serenity. Lean into it. It's good. Favourite Muslim joke.

1:44Favourite what, sorry? Muslim joke. Favourite Muslim joke. I will do one later, sir. I'll check in with you.

1:54I tend to leave that to the end of the show in case

2:03Nice to go out with a bang

2:12Single down there front front and what's your name? Sonia Sonia, hi Sonia How long have you been single Sonia? Well I've been widowed, divorced and single again now Sorry Widowed? Divorced? You divorced him after he died? You're a cold hearted woman Sonia I'll fucking show you dying I'm leaving you Is that a weekend at Bernie situation? Sonia, what the fuck are you talking about? No, no, he's fine. He's signing the documents.

2:54You're not one of the Bidens, are you?

3:02What's the kinkiest thing you've ever enjoyed? What's the kinkiest thing I've ever enjoyed? Four. Well, you know that thing when you're... I don't know if you've ever messed around with the choking thing. Well, one time, one time, she survived.

3:27I think I found the relief. There's more relief than... It's nice.

3:36My hubs and I are going to the UK What are the good eats? Anything we have to do Where are you?

3:47Hi Whereabouts in England are you going? London I've heard of it I would recommend a pub

4:01I'm going to recommend a very specific pub to you I'd recommend let me think there's a pub called the Devonshire in Soho which does as good a pint of Guinness as you'll find anywhere in the world and has amazing food so the Devonshire or the Audley on Mount Street I'd recommend either of those lovely food proper kind of British atmosphere a bit different from a bar here But you know, good. The coal hole is very good on the strand as well. Yes, I would concur. And the toucan, but they're tourists. Let's fucking keep the coal hole for us.

4:44Jimmy, I just got my first job where I work from home instead of going into the office. How do I keep my wife from killing me? What's the job, sir? IT. And you're doing it from home? Yes. I think you need it to go. What age are you, sir? 40. Yeah. You can't do another 25 years in the house. What if the nightmare scenario works out and this doesn't stop? I like her. Yeah. Yeah. You like her, she likes you. It's all going great. Don't fuck it up. she likes you for an hour in the morning and three hours in the evening not all fucking day what you need, I don't know if there's an equivalent thing in here you need something like, you need a workspace to go and hang out, an office nice coffee shop, wherever you want to be, a few different spaces, bar now and then you need a gym or you need a third space You need a home space, a work space, and a third space.

5:55Girlfriend's house. Girlfriend's house. This guy's thinking... You can't see him. Boyfriend's house.

6:09Good luck. All right, what else we got? I'm Mike, and I'm with my wife, Jennifer, and Saturday will be our 22nd year wedding anniversary. This is our gift for each other. Well, where's Mike and Jennifer? Where are you, Mike, Jennifer? Right here. Oh, what? Huge congratulations. It's joyful. Well done, you.

6:31Mike, can I ask what you do for a living, my friend? I work at Boeing. You work at Boeing. What a wonderful, wonderful thing to do with your life. Aeronautical engineering, incredible. An American invention, the Wright brothers following in that tradition. What a wonderful thing. Now, I imagine, I'm not an expert in Boeing and how they run their company, but I imagine you don't work from home.

6:56Just got to go into the office. 22 years and they're happy.

7:08Fucking pay attention, this guy's no dummy. Why do your suit scream so loud? What do you mean? Why do your suit scream so loud? His suit is awesome. Why does my suit scream so loud? And this lady down here has defended me. She said, his suit's awesome. She's right.

7:34Sir, look, I can't see you because the lights are very bright, but you're an American man, so I'll wager you're dressed like a fucking toddler.

8:00Oh What's your name my friend this guy, what's your name? Cisco Cisco oh

8:14That doesn't seem likely That feels like a name you've bestowed on yourself. Were you christened Sisko? No. What's your name?

8:32Sisko. Your parents called you Sisko? Well, you never stood a fucking chance, did you?

8:41Prince William or Prince Harry? Prince William or Prince Harry. Well, the royal family, right, if you can imagine, they're like our Kardashians. And Prince Harry is very much R. Kanye.

9:02He occasionally dresses as a Nazi, and he fucked up. Huh?

9:13What's your... What's your workout routine? What's my workout routine? Surgery!

9:24Now, this has not been done by surgery. I mean, I've got more plastic in me than a lesbian on a second date.

9:36I've had a lot of work done. Even my iPhone goes, come on, mate, put the code in.

9:45But look, it's vanity, pure and simple is what it is. Everyone's hung up about something. Good example, my girlfriend's incredibly self-conscious about her big, fat, ugly nose. No offence, love. I, no, I... No, I didn't know you'd be here. There's a lady on the front row looking paranoid, like, have I got a massive nose and no one's ever told me?

10:10You did like my suit, yes, I should be nicer, but how would that be funny? Hi, Jimmy. I just bought a house. One of the perks on the listing boasted a downstairs shower large enough for four adults. Why do you think they measured it that way? Okay, who just bought a house with a shower downstairs big enough for four adults? Hi. All I would suggest is, you know those blue lights that they have on CSI?

10:47Don't bring one of those into your home. It will light up like the fucking Milky Way. Everything you own now is covered in cum. It's a swingers house, right? You can get four people in the shower.

11:09Four parking spots. He's got four parking spots. Very much like your mum.

11:20It's a diddy party. It's a diddy party. Very well done, Cisco.

11:30You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals. Was that Cisco? I feel like that was Cisco. Was that Cisco? Who was that? Bloodhound Gang. Bloodhound Gang? What was this going? The thong song. Thong, fa-thong, thong, thong. I imagine everything's a thong on you, isn't it, you fat cunt?

11:56Take me, let me see that thong.

12:03It's fun, right? My parents are priests and my mum's an interpreter for the dead. Your mom's an interpreter for the deaf. And they're both priests. And they're both priests. Wow. I don't know if you've seen, is it Silence in the House of God? You ever seen that documentary? No, I've not. What I would suggest is. Okay. What's it in the original name of that? Someone will have seen it. Something like, ah, it's like something like. Everyone's seen it. You haven't seen it? I think it got the Oscar. It's called Silence in the House of God, Murder, Maraca, something. You've got to watch it. It's about gay kids getting fucked by priests.

12:47So what you need to do, no, hold it, hold it, hold it. You've got to wait for Thanksgiving. And you've got to act like it's a new movie. And you've got to go, yeah, I've got to recommend you this movie. Apparently, it's hilarious. and stick it in. Watch the sparks fly. He used to be a cop and an Elvis impersonator. He used to be a cop and an Elvis impersonator and now he's a priest, but he's also deaf. I sometimes, when I'm talking to you, wish I was.

13:30There's a lot going on there, though, isn't there? There's a lot going on. Trauma. A lot of trauma. Yeah, there's enough tattoos to suggest... Real dad fucked off some time ago. He died? Of course he died! Of course he died. What of shame? He died in a bicycle accident. This is getting weirder. Did he get run over by someone? No, he hit a hole in the ground moving out of the way of a car. He hit a hole in the ground moving out of the way of a car. His head hit the ground three times. Cisco needs a therapist.

14:14Cisco doesn't need a therapist, he just said he's a bartender. He's going to be okay. I'm sort of, I've got to go through this now, but I'm sort of made of questions. I'm only really interested in you. There's a lot going on. No, there's security to keep people like you away from me. And frankly, frankly, they do a terrific job.