In short
Jimmy Carr’s “Crowdwork” set in Northampton, England, featuring rapid-fire heckling and awkward audience Q&As—especially around sex jokes, disability/“blind vs deaf” confusion, and Valentine’s Day.
Guests
Tony (front-row; from Northampton; claims “other than cocaine” lifestyle; Portuguese man also appears—Porto; name “Tony” and “Harry” are separate). Nina (midwife; history of mental health nursing mentioned). Harry (doorman at a Northampton nightclub; says he’s dealt drugs for ~3 years). Justin (implied; micro-penis “soup bowl” joke). Jay and Jess (Jay had a “butterfly kiss” eyelash flutter from a gay man in Manchester; Jess discusses it). Andrea (student teacher). Nicola (talent acquisition specialist recruiting for a “global business,” later claimed to be police/Ml5-like). Matt (wedding-related questioner).
Key claims
“dumbest heckler ever,” “finished Pornhub during lockdown,” “Northampton has its first ever tourist,” and “women flirt but men overestimate attractiveness.”
Notable examples
“soup bowl” (jizz into belly button) joke; “D for drowned” grading; “rehydrate” Pornhub ending; Paralympics/Invictus reference after Afghanistan joke cancellation.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOHeckler Encounters in Northampton
0:45 to 2:52
Jimmy interacts with a heckler named Tony during a show.
“Are you getting blind and deaf mixed up again?”
Medical Professions and Jokes
2:52 to 4:50
Jimmy makes jokes about a midwife in the audience and explores humorous scenarios.
“She saw an opening and she fucking went for it.”
Personal Stories and Records
4:50 to 8:20
Discussion about personal experiences, including wanking records and humorous anecdotes.
“I don't know if we can drink from that well a second time.”
Accents and Origins
8:20 to 10:50
Jimmy engages with audience members about their accents and origins, adding humor.
“And I like to, and you'll probably think I'm a perv, but I like to jizz in that.”
Baked Goods and Valentine's
10:50 to 13:00
A humorous conversation about baked goods and Valentine's gifts.
“It's Jay's birthday He recently got a butterfly kiss eyelash flutter on the face from a gay man in Manchester He took the kiss because he was worried the geezer would kick off Is this his gay awakening?”
Advice on Flirting
13:00 to 14:01
Jimmy gives comedic advice on why women flirt and then reject men.
“I mean, I like the just very simple iced bun, is what I like.”
Understanding Flirting and Attraction
14:01 to 18:05
Explore the dynamics of flirting and attraction between men and women.
“Please can you explain about why women flirt with you and then tell you that they like someone else?”
Jimmy's Humor and Audience Interaction
18:06 to 22:43
Jimmy interacts with the audience, showcasing his humor and quick wit.
“I take down their particulars and they come quietly.”
Jimmy's Humor and Audience Interaction
23:31 to 23:45
Jimmy interacts with the audience, showcasing his humor and quick wit.
“If you thought it was funny, well, why don't you consider coming to see me live?”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is Crowdwork. This may well be the dumbest tackler ever. I was in Northampton and I spoke to a man called Tony in the front row and he a dum-dum.
0:42What if they're blind? What, sorry? I can't look at them if they're blind. What if they're blind? They've masturbated too much. That's what's happened there. Are you blind, sir? Yeah. What, sorry? Hey.
1:01Are you getting blind and deaf mixed up again? That's fucking dumb.
1:13Are you blind or...? Can't see you. You can't see me, I'll have to speak up.
1:25I'm not buying the blind or the deaf. The dumb, I'll give you a fucking tick. Yeah.
1:36Fucking wish you was struck dumb.
1:41What's your name, sir? You're chatty. What's your name? Tony. Hello, Tony. What do you do, Tony? Other than cocaine, obviously.
1:54We don't do that in Ireland. You don't do that in Ireland? You're not in Ireland? You're in Northampton and you're off your fucking face on coke? You're chewing your own fucking teeth?
2:09Where are you from? Northampton. Which bit? Our ma. Your ma is a massive fat slag?
2:22It's just a guess, but... No, Marmise. Yes, that's the joke I just made. You're Marmise, but your joke was funny. Thanks, man. You seem like... Are you presumably witness relocation, yeah? Are you kidding me? You're going to call me outside. Who are you here with? Who's this? This is what I got from. Nina. Hello. Hi. You're called Nina. What, named after the siren?
2:55Christ, the baby's coming right now. Nina. Oh, we'll call her that. She's a midwife. She saw an opening and she fucking went for it. Pulled a fucking... So you're in the medical profession, are you, madam? I don't find that hard to believe. History of mental health nursing? You can't fucking bring one home with you.
3:21Please, have a... Not you. Shhh! When was the first time you had a wank? What are you? When was the first time you had a wank? When was the first time I had a wank? Today? Elevenses. Huh! The first time... I don't know if I recall the first one. I mean, it's got to be... It's got to be when I was a choir boy, but... I don't even remember the guy's name. What's your record? What's my record? In a day. In a day? Wanks in a day? This really feels like... First day at Borstal. What's your record? I don't think I have, I mean, this will shock you, I don't have a record. I've never really kept a ledger.
4:23But certainly, I would say probably at some point during the lockdown, I don't know if you're familiar, I don't want to, whatever, I don't want to self-aggrandize or flex, but during lockdown, I finished Pornhub. At the end, you just put your initials in, and the screen just says, rehydrate.
4:47When are we getting carrot in a box again? When are you getting carrot in a box again? I don't know if we can drink from that well a second time. I think we played it twice and destroyed John's marriage in the... He could get another wife. He could get another wife. He could buy another fucking carrot as well, but still. The psychological damage is done. Where's your accent from, sir? Uh, Portugal. From Portugal? Okay. The fuck? Part of the thriving Northampton Portuguese community. I mean, I came here just to see Maisie Adam tomorrow. You came here just to see Maisie Adam tomorrow, and you thought, well, I've got to fill the evening.
5:39Fucking tremendous. Whereabouts in Portugal are you from? Porto. Porto. The fucking great Porto. I like it a lot. Very good food scene. It's fucking great. What's the nice thing? Are you literally just over to see some comedy? Yeah. Okay. Maybe you should try and write your own fucking jokes, mate. I mean, I know you make a delicious spicy chicken, but fucking... It can't all be fucking Perry Perry. What's your name, my friend? Harry. Harry. And what do you do Harry? I'm a doorman. You're a doorman? I'm a doorman. And where are you a doorman? Where are you kicking people out? Just in town here.
6:23In town here in Northampton? Is it like a club? It's a nightclub. Of course it fucking is. And how long have you been dealing drugs? About three years. About three years, yeah, okay. I'm a doorman in a Northampton nightclub. Yeah, known for its scene here. Well, we've got our, I think the Portuguese man, what was your name?
6:53I don't think any of us were expecting that. Let's not be insensitive. Northampton has its first ever tourist. Let's celebrate. So later on, I don't know if you've been on TripAdvisor. I imagine TripAdvisor says of Northampton, probably best if you leave. Number one, train station. I don't know if you... Are you going clubbing later on? No, with Northampton, I don't know if you're aware, but in Britain it's known... It's very much the hub of the clubbing scene.
7:29He's a regular customer. He's a regular, is he? Of course he is. You've got him so fucking high, he thinks he's from Portugal and his name's...
7:40How fucking high do you need to be to think your name's blip? Pretty fucking high is the answer. Have you given your girlfriend a soup bowl? Have I given my girlfriend... A soup bowl. This sounds like a sexually exciting thing. I've not heard of. It's Valentine's tomorrow. The fuck are you talking about? What is a soup bowl? What's that mean? you jizz into her belly button. You, my friend, you are going to feel like a fucking idiot when I tell you about six inches below the belly button,
8:24just... It's like that much lower. They've got vaginas.
8:33And I like to, and you'll probably think I'm a perv, but I like to jizz in that.
8:49One doesn't like to cast aspersions, but I would fuck a belly button if I had a micro-penis.
8:59I presume your name is Justin.
9:04Justin. Good name for a guy with a micro penis, right? Justin.
9:13That's a mixed ability group, isn't it? Fucking hell.
9:21There's a lady there laughing in a way that suggests she's just discovered her boyfriend didn't invent the soup bowl. I thought it was just something he did to me Oh no
9:39Why don't you like me?
9:51Nobody likes you It's not just me
9:58It's your birthday birthday? Aww. Which birthday is it? Mine.
10:10You know what they say, ask a stupid person a question. Go on, how old are you, my friend? I'm 39. You're 39? Look at the fucking mileage on it. Jesus, not long now, eh?
10:28Happy birthday. It's your mum's tomorrow? What, birthday? I didn't get her anything.
10:44I'll nip round and fuck her after the show
10:49Valentine's It's Jay's birthday He recently got a butterfly kiss eyelash flutter on the face from a gay man in Manchester He took the kiss because he was worried the geezer would kick off Is this his gay awakening? Jess, his maybe ex-wife. Jay and Jess, where are you, Jay?
11:16Where's Jay? Hello. So he... The man kissed you on the cheek with his eyelashes. Well, he kind of blurred his eyelashes in my eye. Put his eyelashes on your cheek. Was he giving you a rim job at the time? What was he doing?
11:38You were just at a bar waiting for a drink.
11:45You all right, Jess?
11:49This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode, available on Plus and Pro plans. When did you last get fucked by a real man?
12:26Poor Jess is going to have a terrible Valentine's, isn't she? He'll be thumbing in a softie thinking about a strange man from Manchester.
12:38Good luck with the divorce. All right, what else we got? Hi, Jimmy. I just started a new job working for my family bakery business. What is your favourite baked good? Who's working for the family bakery? That's me. That's you. And what's the bakery called? The cottage bakery. The what's me? The cottage bakery. The cottage bakery. Excellent. No notes. And what's... I mean, I like the just very simple iced bun, is what I like. And that's what the missus is getting tomorrow. For Valentine's. That's if I don't give her a fucking soup bowl like this fucking lunatic.
13:17Yeah, baby, I'm gonna ice your buns.
Read the full transcript
13:22I like a cronut. Do you make a cronut? Yeah. You do make a cronut? Fucking legend. You had a cronut? like a croissant donut. Yeah. I'm fucking, I'm hungry now. I've slightly ruined this bit of the show for me. I'm now, I could fucking smash a cronut right now. Smashing a cronut is also what's on the agenda tomorrow. But not for his missus, because Jay's gay.
13:52The only donut you want to smash is in Manchester, isn't it?
14:01Hi there, Jimmy. Please can you explain about why women flirt with you and then tell you that they like someone else? Please help. Who's having this problem?
14:17Okay, well I'll assume you're out there somewhere. What happens is men overestimate how attractive they are to women, and women underestimate how attractive they are to men. So there's a mismatch there. So possibly they're not flirting. You're a very lonely man, and she's just talking to you.
14:44If then when you suggest you know, fucking, she goes no thank you, she wasn't flirting.
14:54A lot of this stuff should be obvious, but there are some fucking idiots in. All right, let's crack on. You've got blue hair, that's not my normal demographic, I'm loving you. What's your name? Andrea. Andrea, hello. What are you complaining about? Get a bit of paper out, make a list, there's loads in this. What do you do? I'm a student teacher. You're a student teacher. You're a swimming teacher. Right. Is that the chlorine's done there?
15:30Fuck's sake, they put too much in. A swimming teacher? Fucking great job, isn't it? Because you can't fail, can you? Because if they drown, you just go, he wasn't good at it.
15:44So sorry, I've got two bits of bad news. What is it? Well, your kid's drowned. And that's a fail.
15:56I'm giving him a D. D for drowned.
16:03Do they get their money back if the kid drowns? How do you teach women as well? What do you do? Because at some point, you've just got to fucking throw them in and go, good luck. All the best, everyone. And what about, is this the other half? You alright, fella? What do you do? I'm a plumber. You're a plumber? Of course you are. Did you meet at the pool? LAUGHTER Presumably, who to needs fiction, does it, love? Alright, I'll have a look at the pipes. What do you do, Nicola? I'm a talent acquisition specialist. A talent acquisition specialist. You're a madam in a brothel.
16:48The fuck are you talking about? What kind of talent are you acquiring?
16:59Could you stop stabbing the cat and answer the fucking question? You're a recruiter. So who do you recruit? What's the way? I recruit for a company that's a global business. You recruit for a company that's a global business? But you can't think of what it's called? That must be awkward when you're trying to get people a job. Would you like a job with the global business? I'm sorry I can't be more specific, but I'm a fucking idiot. No wonder you're single, you silly cow!
17:42A talent recruiter for a global business. Is it P &O Ferries, love? You booking the dancers? What, sorry? Who is it? What do you mean you can't say? I'm not fucking televising this. Of course you can fucking say. Unless it's MI5, fucking say. I get the dancers for MI5. What?
18:12It's a what? It's the police force. You get talent for the police force.
18:22The fuck are you talking about? I recruit for the police force, yes. Talent. I take down their particulars and they come quietly.
18:36Global business, is it?
18:46Get over yourself, you're gonna die alone.
18:52Happy Valentine's!
18:56What joke's got you into the most trouble? What joke's got me into the most trouble? Oh, it's a good question. I upset some soldiers. This is the first time I ever got cancelled. I did a joke about the Afghanistan. It was like, it was Helmand Province, and it was our soldiers were fighting over there. I don't know what the fuck they were doing over there, but they were fighting over there. And people coming back, they wrote the IDs. And they were coming back with limbs blown off. It was fucking awful. And all I said was, but we are going to rule at the Paralympics. And I was fucking cancelled over it.
19:32And then fucking four years later, what do you know? No.
19:38You're fucking right. Yeah.
19:45Those guys were so incredible at the Paralympics, they had to set up another games called Invictus to fucking cater for them. That's how fucking terrific they are. Meh. Timing. I was a bit too early. Where's the best place you perform? Where's the best place I perform? Well, Northampton's very special to me. Just seeing if I can keep a straight face. I've had enough Botox that it should be fucking easy.
20:17I don't know, Las Vegas, maybe? Las Vegas, to me, felt very glamorous, somehow. Or I got to do Carnegie Hall in New York. That was pretty special. Sydney Opera House. I've got to play some of the big rooms around the place. I'm doing a bunch of arenas later in the year. That'll be fun. It's all pretty, it's good It's fun, I like travelling, I like kind of going around and seeing people
20:39But the best place I'd perform really His mum
20:50Not the big room, the small one round the back
20:59Joey, have you ever had to kick out a heckler like Peter Cade? Have I ever had to kick out a heckler? Fucking constantly. Fucking constantly. And much more aggressively than Peter did. Peter's a fucking legend. You don't go to a Peter Kay show and fucking heckle. You come here to fucking heckle. Fucking enjoy yourselves, I'll take you all on. But Peter, he's a national treasure. Fuck that heckler. And then the woman that he said looked like Lisa Riley. Did you see a picture? She said she went home and cried. I went, fucking, I hope you fucking walked, you fat bitch.
21:41Hi, Jimmy. We are getting married in June. How do I convince my fiancé it's my wedding, too? We have a spare seat. Want to come? Matt. Matt, where are you? Hi, Matt. Well, congratulations. First thing, Matt's getting married. This is huge. All right. So you want it to be your special day, too? It'll be nice. Okay, and how does she feel about marrying a faggot?
22:09The fuck do you care? It's her special day. You've got a stag do and then, you know, pussy on tap. You're living the dream, my friend. Don't worry, just make it nice for her. You didn't fucking... Your childhood was not dreaming of a wedding day, right?
22:30Hers might have been. I'm sure she dreamt of a handsome prince and she's fucking making do.
22:37You fucking make it nice for her. She seems like a lovely lady. I buy gold with a pure gold company. And you can too. That's what this advert is telling you. As a store of value, gold will stand the test of time. Just look at the tomb of Tutankhamun. perfectly intact, 3 ,000 years later and full of gold. Was he buried with stocks and shares and ISA and some paper money? I guess we'll never know. But gold, well, it's as good as gold. In all seriousness, if you are looking to protect your wealth with physical gold, then I highly recommend The Pure Gold Company. Just click the link in the description or head to the pure-gold.co.jimmy to get your free copy of their investor guide.
23:20That's pure-gold.co.jimmy. Mention my name when you speak to them and you'll get six months of secure storage for your bullion absolutely free. I'm very good to you. I hope you enjoyed that clip. If you thought it was funny, well, why don't you consider coming to see me live? Just click the link below and you can buy tickets and it'll help me pay for my extension. Not on the house. I'm having something else done. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects.
23:57And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.
From the publisher
After Jimmy handles one of the dumbest hecklers ever, he catches Tony in the front row off guard.
To see Jimmy on tour go to http://jimmycarr.com for tickets.
If you are looking to protect your wealth with physical gold, then I highly recommend The Pure Gold Company:
https://pure-gold.co/jimmy
Just click the link in the description to get your free copy of their investor guide.
Mention my name when you speak to them and you’ll get 6 months of secure storage for your bullion absolutely free.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices