Unexpected Things to Hear at a Stand-Up Show - CRAZY Crowd Work

0:01I'm not giving up. I am selling the building. The final season of FX is the bear. The restaurant is flooded. Everything's either going to be okay. Or not. We are outgunned and we are outmanned, but we have each other. FX is the bear. The final season. All episodes now streaming on Disney+. Hello and welcome to Crowdwork. We put together a compilation of all the best crazy heckles. This, frankly, could have been a lot longer. This is unexpected things to hear at a stand-up show. Good luck.

0:54Are you taking the piss? Ha ha! It's like two whales talking to each other. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah, this could be a long night.

1:22I think there should be a level of sensitivity from the audience. There's a lovely lady down here. What's your name, madam? Audrey? Audrey? Audrey. And how long have you been queefing like that? LAUGHTER Quite a cross to bear, isn't it? Aaaaaaahhhhhh. It's a brass instrument. Christ. Jimmy, will you sign my stuffed fish? He's called Jimmy Carp. Where is this stuffed fish? Hi, is this your vagina? Is it genuinely a starfish? Yeah, I'll sign it, yeah, why not? Why wouldn't I? I've got a pen right here. Oh, there's a very good Jordan Peterson thing on the Daily Wire where he does a Is she... She's ending it all, is she?

2:16Okay. Talks about depression. He's a very good psychiatrist, really worth having a look at. If you just Google his course on depression. Hey, what the fuck is this? It's a mackerel fish. Lee Mackerel. Okay, I mean, you seem like a crazy lady. What's your name? What do you do, Laura? You work as a factory.

2:48Okay. You work as a factory. What does the factory do? You test engineering equipment? You make the stuff to test the equipment? Well, who makes the stuff that tests your equipment? This is like working in a forklift delivery place.

3:09Well, who the fuck delivers that? There's a signed fish for you. Very nice to meet you. Thank you so much for coming. I really appreciate it. Would I rather have a wet stuff or a suddenly... Would I rather have a wet sock or a soggy sleeve?

3:28She's describing her vagina and anus.

3:35And they both sound dreadful.

3:40I'll pop it in the wet sock, love.

3:48I don't know. Fine, hang on, I'm just gonna deal with this for one second. Guys, you're still standing up and I think you're talking a little bit too much. You're probably irritating the people around you. So, either stop or we're gonna kick you out. It'll be a pain in the arse.

4:07No, no, don't just crouch down. Either sit down or... Well, go. Fuck off to the bar then, mate. No, no, no. Fuck off to the bar now. Security, go up there.

4:23And the slightly drunken lady, I hope you're having a lovely time, but no more... No, no, bub-b-b-b-b-b-b. Couldn't give a fuck. Just should. There's a lovely Australian phrase. The Aussies, they don't get enough credit for their phrasing. They use the language beautifully. Sometimes if a lady's a bit drunk and a bit loud, they'll say, stick a dick in it.

4:47I imagine you're no stranger

4:55I feel like this is going somewhere

5:01Have I ever played Disgolf

5:12Disgolf Frisbee golf. Oh, Frisbee golf. Frisbee golf. No, I've... No, I've... Well, ever since I've been an adult, I've been having sex with women. So... But I... No. No, but I appreciate incel culture, I'm sure.

5:39Frisbee golf? No. There's alternatives, sir. You could kill yourself.

5:52Penises for fingers or testicles for toes? Well, obviously penises for fingers, you fucking idiot. Testicles for toes would be fucking painful to walk around. Fucking kicked in the balls. Oh, Jesus. Ah, ah, you try fucking sitting on your testicles, see how far you fucking get. Penises for fingers? What? Pow pow, pow pow. Pow pow pow.

6:26I'd like to book tickets to Epstein's Island, please.

6:32So excited, just got out of prison this afternoon and straight here. Who's just got out of prison? What's your name, my friend? Nick! What's your name? Nick! Nick. Good name for a thief. Oh, Rob. What were you in for, Nick? Actually, a therapist. What's your name? Therapist. The rapist, you mean? It's pronounced the rapist. Not therapist. We don't send therapists to jail.

7:12Are you a therapist working in a prison? Well, that makes more sense.

7:21It's God's work you're doing. There's too much of prison is about punishment. Fine, punishment. But it should be about rehabilitation. You're doing your bit. Fucking fair play to you. Good luck, Nick. Good luck. Genuinely, are there any lesbians in? There's a few up there. Hi. What's your name? Chloe. What's your name? Hi, Chloe. Are you here with a partner or on your own? My old man, my dad. You're here with your old man, your dad. Okay.

7:55God, I can hear he's heartbreaking from here.

8:02Oh, why can't my little girl catch her dick? What's that? Together for half a year. Together for half a year. Is she here? No. OK. Right. My first advice was, don't ask that in front of other people. She thinks I'm not funny. Leave her.

8:38Well, there's two theories on relationships, right? One theory dominates the online presence, right? All the Tinders, all the dating apps are based on one premise, which is birds of a feather flock together. If you have something in common with someone else, then you'll get along better. But also, opposites attract, right? So you might get on with your partner because she's very different to you. Maybe she likes different music, she likes to do different things, maybe you're a morning person, she's a night person. That can work very well. Lots of relationships are based on that. You know, opposites attract.

9:12But I think if you have a different sense of humour to someone, fuck that.

9:27There'll be single ladies in here, we'll find you someone else to fuck.

9:35Someone that can take a joke and your cock. That's what we're solving for. What's wrong? Do I like any other Norwegian names? Do I like any other Norwegian names? You're asking me like I'm fucking no-one. LAUGHTER They all sound like different bits of IKEA furniture to me. LAUGHTER You've got a friend called Ox Seaman? Odd Seaman? Odd Seaman. You don't look as if you have a friend called Odd Seaman. LAUGHTER No offence, madam, but you look as if you might be in the vagina business.

10:15You're not you're not a lesbian well someone needs to tell your fucking hairdresser

10:30This lady's in the market for some odd semen more power to her

10:42Will I take a selfie with you? Yeah, sure. Why not? Christ. I'm not good at being.

10:49Cool. Alright, no problem. It was easy. Hiya, Jimmy. Thanks for the giggles. Please say hi to my weird and generous friend, Faye. If I hadn't gone with her to the show today, she would have brought her husband's ashes... Fenty. Where's Faye? Where are you, Faye? Oh, you say.

11:19And when... When did you lose your husband? Two and a half years ago. Well, that is very recent. I'm very sorry for your trouble. What was your husband's name? Stig. And he was from here? And that's why he... Stig. Well, I'm very sorry for your loss. And I think there's a lovely thing where I like that phrase, you die twice. You die when you die, and you die the last time someone says your name. I like to dedicate the show for all it's worth. I'm not giving up. I am selling the building. The final season of FX is the bear. The restaurant is flooded. Everything's either going to be okay. No, stop.

12:05Or not. We are outgunned and we are outmanned. We have each other. FX's The Bear, the final season. All episodes now streaming on Disney+. Stig, and thank you very much for coming out and having a laugh. I hope you're okay. Good luck with it. Yeah, it's tough though. It's tough too.

12:31And out of respect for her husband, who she must have loved very much. she's decided to go another way.

12:53You think it's an improvement?

12:59Next time, bring the ashes.

13:06That's lovely, thank you. Okay, let's give her another go, but you've got to land the fucking plane instantly. Go. Question. Seriously, you know what I hear, there's 25 years, it sounds like... Move! Move!

13:22Sir, sir, sir, we're going to start a GoFundMe, we're going to get you out of this.

13:31you you know what you are sir I tell you what we got right here we've got an American fucking hero