When a Hospice Nurse Leaves Work Early for a Jimmy Carr Gig - Sacramento, California

0:00Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is Crowdwork, the podcast where I, Jimmy Carr, do crowdwork. This one is from Sacramento and I talked to a hospice nurse who left work early to see my show, Which is, yeah, unprofessional, but I appreciate her. Well, it's lovely to be 40 minutes outside Sacramento.

0:43This doesn't often happen on tour, but I don't know where the fuck I am.

0:55What is this? Normally I would thank the audience for being here. Normally I would say, thanks very much for choosing to come out and spend an evening with me this evening. It means a lot. But really, what were your fucking options?

1:13This is like a fucking hostage situation.

1:18There's people in this room with no interest in me or stand-up comedy just going, well, he's come here. That seems good of him. On the topic of other words, what about the word concubine? What about the word concubine? Yeah, why don't we use it anymore? Why don't we use the word concubine anymore? I just don't think there's a lot of dudes that could carry it off. I think, yeah, this is my wife, and I'm sure you've met my concubine. Feels... It's quite old. It's quite Game of Thrones.

1:58I don't think we say courtesan anymore either, but, you know, times have moved on. Do you know what? I'll ask. What do the other girls that work at the brothel call...

2:15Who are? Iron Man races. Iron Man races. They're races on Sunday. What exactly is involved in the Iron Man race? Triathlon. Triathlon, okay, so what you gotta do? How far you gotta swim? Very far. Very far, okay. Wow, you really know your stuff. So you gotta swim, you gotta cycle, you gotta run. And this is all just to get away from wherever the fuck we are

2:49Good on them

2:54Doctors and nurses were just as an area of Are you are you a doctor you a nurse? What do you do? You're an what kind of a nurse are you? Go on, what do you do? You're a hospice nurse. Well, you really can't go wrong, can you?

3:20I appreciate what you do is wonderful and it's very meaningful, but really you cannot fuck up at work. It's like, oh man, I've got a hangover today. Oh, I've forgiven him too much of that. He saw the sign on the way in. There's no... There's no investigation, is there? We've just had a call from the hospice, someone's died. Yeah, that's what happens there. That's what they do. You're one-up, as a nurse, some offence, you're one-up from an undertaker.

4:03Hospice nurse, you're like pre-embalming.

4:11Interracial marriages? Yeah, I'm pretty into them, yeah. It's one of my searches.

4:22Well, again, I would say interracial marriages. What year is it that that's a factor?

4:30they did a bit of research actually recently i don't know if you saw this but they did research in america about interracial marriages and people's attitudes and how they had changed over the years and people are i think it's like 98 percent not bothered in the slightest about their beginning to racial marriage but what's changed in the last 50 years the idea so they ask people like would you mind your daughter or son dating someone from a different racial background okay no one has a problem with it. But now if you ask people, would you mind your daughter or son dating someone from a different political affiliation, people are fucking up in arms about it.

5:11Vasectomies. Vasectomies. We'll come on to that later. Are you thinking about having one, love? I don't think you need it. You'll be all right. I do that. You do them. We've got a dominatrix in Who's terrible at her job You do vasectomies Oh well it sounds like we have a finale for the show Has anyone got some nail clippers? So are you a nurse? I'm a urologist You're a urologist, you're taking the piss

5:49You work with her Oh, hello Hello? I didn't know she was here. And what do you do, sir? I help her out.

6:02So you help her out? Oh, hello, I'm a urologist. This is just a dude that helps me out. Like if the guy's junk is really heavy, he just...

6:18She's only a slip of a thing. What do you mean you help her out, you fucking lunatic? Are you a doctor or a nurse? He shaves the ball. Are you a doctor or a nurse? He's a surgical tech. What's he? A surgical technologist. A surgical technologist. He shaves the balls. Just a... Shaves the balls.

6:41I think we may have hit on the truth here. No, I do technical work in pre-surgery. And I tell you, you could eat your dinner off that taint.

7:03What's my favorite porn fetish? Ooh, great question.

7:13Interracial marriages.

7:17I knew I knew you too. Do you shop at Baby Dan? What's the low point of your career?

7:27Is working 40 minutes outside Sacramento the low point of my career?

7:36I've got to say, it's literally, I know this sounds weird and slightly trite, but I'll allow myself, it genuinely is my dream come true. I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. I wanted to travel the world telling jokes to people. The fact that 2 ,000 of you have turned up this evening, it's unbelievably cool for me. It's so lovely for you.

8:03What, sorry? This is everybody in town. This is everybody in town.

8:12and the kicker is you're all related that's why the propel fitness water with gatorade electrolytes zero sugar and vitamins propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self what propels you propel with gatorade electrolytes applause is a little bit louder here because people have got more fingers than usual.

8:44It does smell bad, doesn't it? The fuck is going on? I just thought that was Sacramento.

8:55What the fuck is going on? What, sorry? Cow shit. Oh, is that just normal for here? Well, someone could have fucking mentioned it.

9:11Maybe this is a low point, yeah. I take that back.

9:23What's your name, sir? Adrian. Adrian, what do you do, Adrian? Retired. Retired. Right. And you're 46? And you're retired. Okay. Military. Military. Oh, what did you do in the military? Air Force. Oh, thank you for your service. Fucking no further questions. Yeah, right. All right.

9:47And the... What did you do in the air service? I worked on aircraft. You worked on aircraft. Yeah, that's the whole thing. Yeah, that's what the Air Force is, though. That doesn't even narrow it down. I worked on a U2 spy plane. You worked on a U2 spy plane? Ah, who was it run by? Coldplay.

10:14That is a silly joke. God, that poor man at the Coldplay concert, do you remember that? Earlier in the summer? Where the guys with the head of HR from work and they get caught kissing? He's poor wife, what a way to find out your husband likes Coldplay.

10:39Go on. We're born of aliens. What, sorry? Do you think we're born of ancient aliens? Do I think we're born of ancient aliens? No. I don't think so. I think Darwin probably fucking nailed it. And I understand why people don't want to believe that, do they? People don't want to believe in Darwinian evolution. Because it's the three humiliations of man. Are you familiar with this? The three humiliations. There's Picernicus? Copernicus, yeah. Copernicus went, we're not the centre of the universe. And Darwin said, we're just like the animals. And then Freud said, we're not even in charge of our own minds.

11:16It's all our unconscious. It's a downer though, isn't it? Maybe we're from magic aliens.

11:27He would like to buy some weed. LAUGHTER Break a leg. We are excited to be here with our daughter, Brooke, tonight. She is currently applying to veterinary schools in the UK. Have you any advice for her in meeting a nice bloke there or warnings for that matter? Oh, where's Brooke? Where are you, Brooke? Hi, Brooke. Well, a couple of things. Firstly, why are you becoming a vet? LAUGHTER Do you love animals? Because I love animals, but I've got friends that are vets, and I like to play a game with them. I play a game, how many dogs have you killed in the last week?

12:11And my total is zero dogs. And their total is always more than zero.

12:24Now, if you're smart enough to be a vet, can I make a suggestion? Doctor. Yeah! Vet Med all the way, baby. Happy Vet Tech Week! There's a vet over there and she's fucking mental.

12:49And do you know why that intelligent, beautiful woman is mental? Because she's been made demented by how many dogs she's fucking killed.

13:02Horses! She's killed a lot of horses. I'm not sure that's helping, love.

13:10But you're applying to the UK to go to university? OK, I would look at... There's schools in Amsterdam as well that teach in English. And the... I think they've got a veterinary college there, and it's like€4 ,000 a year. I'm really saying this more to your dad than you. But Amsterdam's got English speaking universities and it's an amazing place to visit It's a and you meet people from all around the world and that's kind of the whole experience. All right, but good luck