"Will You Walk Me Down The Aisle For My Wedding?!" - Basingstoke, England

0:00From athletic stuff like a full court pickup game, swish, to athletic-ish stuff like a half mile stroll. Get those steps in. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it. Oh, hello. My name's Jimmy Carr. This is Crowdwork, the podcast where Jimmy Carr does crowdwork. It does exactly what it says on the tin. I'm in Basingstoke for this one. A woman asked me if I'll walk her down the aisle. Does anyone here Does anyone here work in the emergency services any any first responders oh a few gone? What do you do?

0:38You're you're a what? What was it? You help victims of crime and you think you're a first responder

0:53This is like a dinner lady thinking she's a chef. What the fuck are you doing?

1:05What are you, the fucking 15th emergency service? You fucking nip round for a cup of tea and some biscuits four days later. The fuck are you talking about?

1:25You'll be the victim of a crime if you don't fucking whine your neck in.

1:33I don't know. So, how soon do you see them after the crime's happened? We speak, like, the next day. You speak the next day? You just like a fucking gossip. That's it. Oh, go on, what happens? I'm listening. Oh, good on. I'm sure that's a valuable thing, but I'm really looking for someone that does CPR, or that kind of thing. Anyone? Yeah, go on, what do you do? You're a police officer? I don't have a fucking word.

2:08Actually, thinking about it, turning up the day after it's happened is exactly what they fucking do. APPLAUSE It's bad. We can't do anything. There's your crime number.

2:29What's your name? Jess? Hi, Jess. Phil.

2:36Phil. Someone's just gone, Phil. I think I might be a lesbian at all. Yeah. No, you're not Phil, fucking shut up.

2:49What are you? I know you're gonna ask me where I work. And I work here. You work here? Debatable. What do you do here? A box office front of house assistant. You're a what? A box office, front of house assistant. She sleeps at reception.

3:18OK. I don't want to be a dick about it, but how did you get those fucking tickets?

3:29Some fucking bullshit going on here, isn't there?

3:36Is this the disabled section? What? I haven't said the bad thing yet. LAUGHTER They used to play the armadillo up in Cambridge, and they...the armadillo up in Glasgow, rather. A beautiful big theatre. And the disabled bit of the theatre, the text there would refer to it as, oh, right, no, that's the Cabbage Patch. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

4:08Those guys aren't fucking around. Are you deaf? Well, hard of hearing. You're hard of hearing... lesbian... LAUGHTER ..in a wheelchair? Fucking hell, why haven't Channel 4 snapped you up? What's going on? Come on.

4:30You're a box ticker and a box liquor.

4:43What, sorry? My mate's black. You've been what? My mate's black. Your mate's black. I don't know if that gets you anything. If I'm... If I... Never lead with that. Ha-ha! Yeah, she may be hard of hearing, but she can see colour.

5:13What, sorry? I'm partially sighted. You're partially sighted? Yeah, you're. I can confirm. He is black, yeah.

5:32Is that what it was? I had no idea. What? He went, thanks for that. I had no idea. Ah! Ah! Ah!

5:47You put that tie on in the dark. You put that tie on in the dark. You don't like? I quite like it actually. You quite like it, yeah. It was a good idea for... I feel like you were struggling there for a half. Yeah, what about that fucking tie? What about it? No, nothing, it's nice. I like that. I like the fact you've gone, he wants people to join in, I'm joining in. Oi, fuck off. What? Well, not really, but... Good on you, mate. What's your name, my friend? Richard. Richard, what do you do, Richard? Um... You know this. I'm a DBA. You're a DBA. Anyone? I don't know what a DBA is. You work in IT.

6:38And what is a DBA? It's a database administrator. A database administrator. Yes. I feel drowsy. Are you... Is that right? Sorry, can I ask, Richard, is explaining that like a date rape drug? Because I feel like... I'm drifting off, you can do what you like. Who do you administer the database for? BMW. BMW. Ooh! I did a gig for them the other night. Fucking hell. It was great fun. Fucking great fun. Yeah, just lots of fucking jokes about Audis being cunts. Easiest thing in the world. What happened with the breakup, Dana?

7:23It's a long story. Nah, no, it's not.

7:29Sounds like you fucked someone else, Dana.

7:41Not that long a story. I'm... Did you want your two children? Did I want them? What? Are you trying to buy my children?

7:58How much for the children? You even want these children?

8:09Yeah. I like it. Are you a father? What's the name? No. How old are you, mate? Er, 37. Yeah. Are you with a lady? Yes. Where's the lady? Is she here? Yes. Where are I? Give us a wave. Hi. Hi. Yeah. Man up. Put a baby in that.

8:37All joking apart, it's fucking magnificent. It makes every other status game, every other thing you're worried about look trivial. It's magnificent. There is such a thing as the afterlife, but it's the next generation. Do it. How old are your kids? I don't know.

9:05I would have to ask the staff.

9:12I was joking there. I'm serious with you, man. To have kids is fucking great. It's fun. From athletic stuff, like a full-court pickup game, swish, to athletic-ish stuff, like a half-mile stroll. Get those steps in. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it. When are you packing it in, Jimmy? When am I packing it in? Tonight or more generally?

9:41What's that? It's getting off. What, evening, what, tonight? I've got a bit of good news for you. We've not locked the doors. You can fuck off any time you like, mate. I don't think we'll be fine.

10:02I do do quite, I mean, I'm aware, I do quite long shows. I do quite, but then I figure people have come out to the theatre and they've booked tickets and babysitters and parking and dinner and drinks. You want to give people a bit of fucking value. I'll witter on for fucking ages. And I like these bits. I like chatting to people because it feels like it's in the room. You couldn't be watching this on a fucking phone. How much does Netflix pay you? How much do Netflix pay me? Well, I'll put it in terms you can understand, sir. A hundred money.

10:39They're very generous. I'll be honest with you, they're incredibly generous. I've been working with them for years, and they're amazing to work with as well. Their notes, you know when you get notes back from, like, if you didn't make a film or whatever, and you get studio notes or TV notes or the producers or whatever, Netflix notes can, literally, it's just them going, yeah, cool. We'll put that on. Nice one. They're fun, great. Although, if you want some insight into how showbiz works, Netflix is a side hustle TV is a side hustle bombs on seats is where the money's made if you're interested What's your favorite TV show?

11:15I don't know what I get paid most for

11:20But that one I've got I've got well I've got a new one coming out I literally just told you was probably the most fun we ever had making TV It's my mate Richard Bacon came up the format and genuinely, the records took like six hours each and it was the most I've ever laughed. It's fucking mental. And then we made one recently what's he? Jeremy's a big one.

11:49Are you having a fever dream? What's going on? We made one recently for Amazon where we get ten comics in a room and no one is allowed to laugh. and it's that was fucking tremendous I don't think it's until about March, April but it's that's not terrible but telly, meh Hi Jimmy, my partner and I are expecting our second child another boy, do you think Gary is a good name for a child or do you have any better ideas it's Rob by the way, just in case you want to be friends where are you Rob? where's Rob? what's the first kid called? Noah. Noah. I don't think you can have Noah and Gary. That's like you've got a middle class kid and a working class kid in the same house.

12:38We're a lot poorer the second time. You're a lot poorer the second time. Nah, the money's not important, the time's important. The kid doesn't want your dime, it wants your time. Well, I'm just quoting, that's Warren Farrell. Do you know Warren Farrell? you know Warren Farrell

13:02do you want to hear the Warren Farrell story so Warren Farrell is the guy that wrote the myth against male power he's like he was sort of the head of the he was very involved in feminism in the late 60s early 70s very involved in the second wave feminism and then he got into sort of men's health men's problems and he had a client he was a clinical psychologist and he had a client that came to him he's a very wealthy guy had a big business and he was talking to me he was very very depressed and he said uh his massive regret in life was not spending enough time with his first child he had no kind of relationship with his first child he's very very down and depressed about that and his wife was pregnant and warren farrell said what do you want to do and he said i'm gonna give up my business i'm not gonna do anything for five years i'm just gonna be at home with a kid i've got enough warren farrell kind of helped him through that process.

13:51It's kind of a fun story about a guy running a big business, and then it becomes an excellent story when you realize that man was John Lennon. And he had five years at home with his kid. He didn't know he was going to fucking die three years later, but he had all that time at home, just focusing on what was important. That's why you should have a kid, and that's why you shouldn't call it Gary. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

14:22Yeah, Noah's not great. You need another biblical name, I think. I don't know. Gabriel's a great name. Gabriel's a great name. Like Gabriel Byrne, the actor. Noah and Gabriel. Those are powerful biblical names. I'd go with that. Goliath. Huh? Goliath. Goliath, yeah, but... Goliath is a lot to live up to. We don't know how big this kid's dick is going to be, but... Certainly for the first few years, he is going to have a baby dick problem, so you don't want to call yourself Goliath suggests. Wind your neck in. Good luck. Hi, Jimmy. This is the fifth time I've seen you, and I'm coming to another show in April.

15:11I've seen you more times, and you've had more influence on my life than my dad. I've checked your dates, and you're free in March. would you like to walk me down the aisle for my wedding? It's in St Lucia. It's not that convenient, but I'm sure you can afford the flights. Who's getting married in St Lucia? Where are you? You're getting married? Well, congratulations, firstly. That's wonderful. Thanks for coming back. I mean, if it was more convenient, I would think about it. St Lucia's fucking miles away. Which hotel in St Lucia? I've been there a couple of times. Oh, yeah, okay. It'll be nice.

15:49It's really beautiful. Because it's the only one in the Caribbean. It's volcanic. So it's got the massive mountains. Is this the guy? That's your other husband.