"You Sound Like Gru From Despicable Me!" - Cluj-Napoca, Romania

0:28I see you. Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is Crowdwork, a podcast where I do crowdwork. This time I'm in Cluj and I'm chatting to someone who sounds like he might be Gru from Despicable Me. Enjoy. Why only two kids? Why only two kids? What? I mean, technically, you can't get pregnant the way I fuck her.

0:51It's a miracle we've had two.

0:58Why only two kids? That's a very Romanian...

1:07Good on you.

1:11He'll outbreed the competition. Yes, we need to have many children. The master takes so many.

1:28Have you met someone that laughs like you?

1:35No, Igor.

1:42Imagine, I'm just going off your voice, but I imagine you laugh. Ah, ah, ah.

1:53These shows in the evening. Oh good, we can go. And I so hate the daylight. Ah, ah, ah.

2:10What's your favorite condom brand? What's my favorite condom brand? Is that what you said?

2:20It sounded like that's what he said. I... I... I...

2:32I like the... I like the... You know those ones you can get that are not visible to the human eye, but they're like the sheep that you can... I like those ones. You can only use them with very gullible women, but they're... Oh no, I've got it on. Don't worry about that.

2:55How do you like Cluj? Ah. It's hard to answer that without insulting people. It's very nice. I've had a fucking great day. Yeah, it's fucking nice. It's a confusing town though, isn't it? because there's like, you know, there's a Starbucks coffee shop, but also a creepy-looking castle. It's a very... It's Transylvania. It's Transylvania.

3:30Sounds like a catchphrase of yours. That's Transylvania, baby. What are you going to do? You sound like you might be Gru from Despicable Me.

3:44That's Transylvania baby! Fucking great! What's he? You sound like Kragmar I look like, well I sound like Kragmar or look like Kragmar? I look quite a lot like Kragmar, yeah. Giggity. I can't argue with that. Giggity, giggity, giggity. How tall are you? How tall am I? I'm life-size and you're in a room with me, so... I'm this tall.

4:15I'm six foot, just a smidge under six foot. And I don't know how to explain this without making you feel like an idiot, but I'm far away from you. Sorry. We went to see Jimmy Carr tell jokes, but he's a tiny man. He's tiny, you can fit him in your pocket. He's very small. I talked to my friend sitting at the front. He says, he's very big. He's a liar. That's my impression of you. It is pretty racist. Do you know any words in Romanian? I know loads of Romanian. I know, uh, Cluj and Bucharest.

5:04I don't know any words in Romanian, I don't think. What do I need to know? Buonasera. What's the name? Buonasera. Buonasera. Buonasera means we're in Buenos Aires. Buonasera. That means good evening. Buonasera. Pretty sure you've nicked that from Portuguese. I'm 90 % sure that's lifted.

5:40Goddamn gypsies.

5:50Do I have any experiences with Romanians in the UK? Well. How dare you, sir. Yeah, loads, there used to be, like, before we left the EU, there were a lot more of you guys in London, and we fucking loved it. And now, nah. Now this place is fucking booming. Curses, we want you back. I'm serious, we do. We miss you fucking guys. Do I know the only famous stand-up comedian you have in Cluj? Is it me? I think it fucking might be.

6:35is there a famous comedian from Cluj who gigged here Louis C.K. I was messaging him today he said to me and I quote I fucking love Cluj

6:49genuinely weirdly he just announced a tour today so I tweeted about it and we were chatting online and yeah he went I fucking love Cluj of course he does it's fucking great It's a nice place. You seem shocked there, like Mert. I think he's talking about Bucharest. There's a beef, so no. What's that? There's a beef, so... There's a beef? What, between you and Bucharest? Some sort of... There's competition, is there? Well, I've got some very bad news for you. Very bad news. Don't you think it's time to attack? Don't I think it's time to retire? No. What, you mean in terms of, like, comedy? Like...

7:46I think I am retired. It depends what you mean by retired, though. What's your definition of retired? Because for me, if you're working for the future, then you're not retired. If you're doing exactly what you want to do, you're fucking retired.

8:13Gigging in Eastern Europe. Gigging in Eastern Europe. You know that's what I'm doing now, right? It's fucking great. It's good here. I know, because a lot of the, you asked earlier about, you know, remaining people in London. I meet a lot of people from Eastern Europe in London that learnt English, or learnt the last bit of English from stand-up. Because it's that thing of, like, you don't know a language when you dream in that language. That's some bullshit. You know the language when you get jokes in real time in that language. That's when you know you can fucking go and live there, because you, so a lot of people like my stuff, because it's, I've got perfect fucking diction.

8:58This is a lecture with jokes. My wife doesn't know English. I bought her a ticket because I wanted to drive. We drove four hours for the show. Who drove four hours with the woman who's just sitting here? Where are you? Where is... What? Hi. What's your name, my friend? Khalif. Malik. Khalif. Colleen. That's a girl's name. And your wife doesn't speak any English. What's your name? He's lying. He's lying. Did you really drive four hours? Yeah. Thanks, man. Hope it was funny enough. God bless you.

9:47I'm kind of intrigued to know, what is four hours drive from here? What's that? Barat. Barat. Near Temiso. Near Temiso. The fuck are you just... You're just fucking jabbering there. Places I don't believe exist. Oh, it's near Barat, near Tiramasu. These are all different types of dessert made with honey. I see you. Avatar Fire and Ash is now streaming on Disney+. It's the film critics are calling the best Avatar yet. A true epic and completely jaw-dropping. This is the only purest thing in this world. Return to Pandora on Disney+. It will be an adventure for the whole family. And watch the Oscar-winning phenomenon at home.

10:38This is sick! Avatar Fire and Ash, now streaming on Disney Plus, rated PG-13. It's near, I live near Baklava, but I was born in Tiramisu.

10:58Crazy fool. Hello, Jimmy. Huge fan here. I was wondering what part of a funeral do you enjoy the most? All the love. Also, do you sit when you pee? Because you look like you do.

11:16There's nothing I don't like about this message. It's fucking all over the shop, isn't it?

11:29I will confirm I stand to pee. Even if I'm in the bath, I will stand up and pee everywhere.

11:41That's a joke. I won't even get out of the bath to shit.

11:49What part of a funeral do you enjoy most? Well, the wake is obviously... I'm from a big Irish family, so the wake is the best bit for us. Would you do that here, the big drink the night before? That's fucking awesome. Especially, like, if it's... There's a certain age at which... Yeah, she's dead, but... Like my... What, sorry? You play cards on the coffin? Okay. But what if you wake the master?

12:32Well, we better stop. It's nearly dawn. How do I feel about the war in Ukraine? How do I feel about what, sorry? The war in Ukraine. How do I feel about the war in Ukraine? Yes. I'm not in favour of it. What?

12:52I don't know what kind of spectrum of answers you were expecting now. I mean, I don't know. It's a weird one, isn't it? I'll answer that seriously. It's, I don't know. Are you familiar with the band Oasis? Yeah? You know they reformed. It's two brothers and they fucking hate each other. Noel and Liam. They both think the other one is an absolute cunt. And they're reforming and they're touring. And I can't believe my luck. It's my favorite band from when I was at college. And they're reforming and it's going to be fucking awesome. Right? Now, Ukraine and Russia are in a similar position.

13:36Miracles can happen.

13:45There are wars that end with a decisive victory, and there are wars that end around a table, and I think Ukraine ends around a table, and I frankly think it's a disgrace that we haven't got around the table sooner, because 1 ,500 guys a day get popped, and I don't care whether they're Ukrainian or Russian. It's a fucking... It's awful. Because, you know... It's just fucking bad. No jokes there. This seems like a lot of guys.

14:18It's not like those Russian guys have got fucking skin in the game. Fucking cannon fodder. A bunch of fucking North Koreans. Do you hear about the North Korean guys that went to Ukraine? I mean, a lot of them died almost instantly of dehydration because they'd never seen pornography before.

14:45Imagine that. You fucking come straight from Pyongyang. You're suddenly in fucking... What? What are we doing? We're in a war. What? With who? Never heard of them. Okay. What have they done? Doesn't matter. Okay. What's this? Sorry, can I... Ahhhh! Fucking gone. I imagine some of the Ukrainian guys on the other side lost fucking eyes. What was that?

15:18Jesus. Do I go to - do I hit the gym? I don't think what I do at the gym could be described as hitting it. Bro.

15:34Yeah? Yeah? Gym's that way. Hang on, is it that way? I don't fucking know. I, yeah, if working out was easy, it'd be called your mum. Uh, see.

15:53Yes, I do go to the gym and I like it. I like doing weightlifting. and I like telling people about it in this voice. I like to lift weights. I pick them up and then I put them down again. I don't really believe in cardio. Say to your wife, that's definitely on the next show. Did I ever say to my wife, that's definitely on the next show? I haven't got a wife. I've said it to your wife.