"You Were Really Nice to Me at School!" - High Wycombe, England

0:00Hey Chicago, class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up, it shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Crocs store today. Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr. This is Crowdwork. This one is me in High Wycombe, and it's a lady who says I was really nice to her in school. I should add, this was when I was at school as well. This isn't like recently. I mean, going around being nice to ladies in school now, that would be a bad look.

0:46Did Joe Wilkinson name your penis? Did Joe Wilkinson name my penis? He did! That's great. There's a reference to Joe Wilkinson who did a brilliant poem on Cats Does Countdown about nicknaming other people's penises. Yes, mine's called Richard. Because it's Dick but longer.

1:10Huh?

1:14Should have really called it Justin.

1:20Justin's a great name for a guy with a small cock, isn't it?

1:25Firemen, right? Okay, firemen's fucking great, isn't it? I find the weird thing about firemen, though, because some people are really kind of iffy about there being fire women. It's like as if you would fucking care if your house was burning down and a woman in uniform came in to save you. You wouldn't care that she had a lower IQ, would you?

1:49You have to say firefighter now, not fireman. No, you have to say firefighter, not fireman. I don't give a fuck.

2:06It's not a heckle, but you were really nice to me when I was at school. I was really nice to you when you were at school? I don't know why that's getting an R. That could... If this was a movie, the next scene would be a police officer carrying a computer out of my house in a see-through bag. You were really nice to me when I was at school. Okay, were we at school together? We were. What school were you at? I was at Burnham Grammar. You were at Burnham Grammar? What's your name? Corin. Corin? You were all like Gothic and like... I won't remember you. Everyone remembers the first girl they fingered.

2:45Corin's here! You're the reason I had to have my shoulder rebuilt. Absolute legend. Were we in the same year, Coronel? You're a little bit older. I'm a little bit older? Not all of me. Bits of this are brand new. Go on. Really similar, but I dropped all my books. You dropped all your books? You picked them up, you were really kind. Aww. I think you're thinking of someone else.

3:22Well, thanks, but I don't know. And what do you do now? What do you do? Er... Is it difficult to pronounce? Maybe it's shropodist. Go on, what do you do? Um, I called it... Well, I'm a teacher, but I'm an actress, so I'm a teacher. You're a teacher and an actress. What are you like in old school 70s porn? She's a teacher. She drops her books that old trick You know what she's like, oh, I dropped my books. Oh Whatever will you do? Thanks for helping me

4:04What kind of acting do you do what kind of thing? You're a classical actress. Oh Well, I love that. Bloody marvellous. Self-assaulted work on QVC as well. You worked on QVC? Acting like this isn't fucking shit. That must be the... That's where the best... You really... People sort of rate Meryl Streep. But yeah, Meryl Streep's good. Of course she's fucking good. She's always in excellent movies. She's never not been in a great movie with a great script. You put Meryl Streep on QVC like this fucking legend... ...pretending the jewellery's nice... That's some fucking acting.

4:47She's a fucking brilliant actress. You're in the presence of greatness. She just sold the whole of this audience on me being nice at school. Genius. No problem at all. You were great in the Grinch. I was great in the Grinch. The Grinch I've never had as a comparative looks thing. I've had Roger Federer. Yeah. What are you saying? I look like Roger Federer. I look like a Down syndrome, Roger Federer. There's no getting away from it. Go on. Who do I look like in The Grinch? Jimmy. Are you thinking of Jim Carrey? Are you thinking of someone with a similar name? You're saying you don't look like him with a similar name.

5:43I'm also an ex-president that died a few weeks ago, yeah.

5:49I think you might be having a stroke. Can you smell toast?

5:55It's the what? It's the wrinkles? No fucking wrinkles. It's a team of doctors working 24 hours a day to keep this in position. What's your name, my friend? Aiden. What age are you, Aiden? 15? 16? I don't care, you can tell me the truth. I'm guessing it's 15, on account of the fact you said 15.

6:21I'm guessing if anyone is in recruiting for GCHQ, MI6 or MI5, look elsewhere. Are you a spy? Yeah. No, I mean no. No, I'm not. I'm undercover. Fuck!

6:40Aidan, what's your plan for life? What are you going to do? I'm going to be a musician. What's the name? A musician. You'd like to be a musician. What do you think you might do for money?

6:52What do you play? Guitar, bass and drums. Guitar, bass and drums. Pick one and get good at it.

7:05Otherwise, you're the cunt on the station platform doing this.

7:13It's too many things.

7:17Go on, let's have that. Did you still want to be what? Did you want to be a comedian? I'll do the secondary school one first. Did I want to be a comedian in secondary school? No. I started when I was about maybe 25. Like I was doing other shit. I was busy. it's good I lived a little first I think it makes me a bit more grateful I've got the best job in the fucking world right I mean it's just a joy and not everyone gets to do that but I do and it's great and I'm very appreciative of you buying tickets coming out to the show in all seriousness so it's it's kind of a it's a privilege it's pretty tremendous but I think if I hadn't had a proper job first I'd be just thinking this is how life is all right let's hope the next one's I want...

8:06Madam, what you got? Who would you have play you in the movie of your life? Who would I have play me? Well, I went to school with a girl who's an actress now.

8:18Sure, it's a challenging role for her. But if she can make people believe I was nice at school, she can do anything. Favourite STD? Favourite STD. Great question. Well, it's got to be... Chlamydia is the gold standard of the STIs. I remember in my early 20s, a friend of mine who's a doctor told me about chlamydia. He went, ah, yeah, it can make a woman infertile and there's no symptoms. Well, I'll throw these condoms away. How do I, where do I sign? Hey, Jimmy, what is life like on tour? Describe your day with all the bits from the glamorous to the boring and mundane. Cheers. Who's asking? Hi.

9:07I mean most of the time I'm at home. Like when I'm in the UK, I'm just at home. I'm at home, I'm just a regular, you know, stay at home dad and then I come out and I lead an exciting double life. I do comedy gigs and then on the way home I do drugs and fuck your mum.

9:30what I'm not fucking his mum sober

9:37not mad she's an animal it's pretty good I must say it's pretty fun I mean they used to say BB King had a great line he said I do the gigs for free you pay me to travel I quite like the travel I think it's quite important to enjoy the whole thing I like it Oh yeah, nice. Thanks, mate. What's your name, mate? Come on, you know this.

10:07Go on, what is it? John. Yeah. John. It's not fuckabout. You think your parents don't give a fuck, Aidan. Your baby came round and they went, John! Call him John! He'd be working on a building site. What do you do, John? Not a lot. This will not affect your benefits, John. What do you do?

10:41Cut bushes. What's that mean? Cut bushes. You cut bushes? Do you work in a beauticians? Imagine if you met John at a beauticians. You've come in for your intimate waxing. You know, things are a bit... You've let it go to rack and ruin downstairs. It's like seaweed at low tide.

11:06John walks in with a roll-up. Jump up on there, love, I'll give the old bush a trim.

11:19Hey, Chicago. Class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local croc store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up. It shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest croc store today.

11:50I've been ripped off. What's he? That time you had a test drive in that car and you ripped the door off. Yes. It was the same thing. I've been ripped off. You did the same thing. You ripped the door off a car. Okay, so years ago, I took a Model X Tesla for a test drive and the guy in the, you know, we're test driving and we got lost in the car park on the way back, one of those big multi-stories and they're going, oh no, it's that way, sorry. And he had to move a cone so he gets out the back of the car. You know the gull wings? Lifts up, and he gets out and moves the cone. And I'm not a fucking prick, so I go to pick the guy up.

12:23And you know those parking things above me? Nothing over six foot six? I take the fucking door off. It's like a half-dead Terminator.

12:39So I just rolled down the window and went, I'll take it. Not this one. This one's fucked. I'll find one. So what happened to you? No, I was gonna say, I felt like your car door because it got ripped off, like I have been. You felt like my car door because you got ripped off? Yeah. Oh. That was a long way to go for fucking nothing.

13:13What's the, what, sorry? Can you go for a piss? How much time have you spent in prison that you thought you had to ask?

13:22I'm trying to deal with this cunt that hasn't been through puberty. I've got enough going on. What's the matter with your voice?

13:33Like, was it an accident when you were a kid or your balls haven't dropped? You sound fucking weird, mate. We want answers.

13:43Now you sound like a girl

13:49Quite a husky girl, but a girl Like a big girl, unit What? Go on, my laugh sounds like Someone's nan-fucking Someone's nan-fucking Ha, that, ha, ha, ha, ha How violently is your nana queefing? Jesus

14:19Queef is a fart from the front of the door No problem, I'm here to help, don't worry about it Genuinely, any lesbians in? Hi, where am I looking? One there? What's your name? You're a what? A lonely lesbian or you're not like one of the ones in the films, are you?

14:43Has the guy you're with just found out you're a lesbian?