Angie Martinez IRL - Jessie Reyez: Understanding Real Love & Finding The Time And Space To Recover

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0:35Hi, it's Colin Coward from the Colin Coward Podcast. All right, you know what deserves more attention? The assists. Everybody talks about the goal. A big moment that gets replayed on the highlight reels. But too often, we overlook all the contributions and collabs that happen along the way. That's true in soccer. And honestly, true in life. Halion is shining a light on the assists. An official partner of U.S. Soccer. they got a whole lineup of brands ready to deliver for you. So here they are. Sensodyne, dentist recommended defense of your sensitive teeth. Centrum, fueling your day with science back nutrients.

1:08Advil, of course, powerful inflammation fighting pain relief. Voltaren arthritis gel, helps penetrate deep, keeps the joints moving and Tums, ready to counterattack with fast heartburn relief. These are brands that are ready to deliver your essential wellness assists because every goal starts with an assist. Learn how Halion can assist your game day goals at halionassist.com slash com. This is Jeff T from the Club 20 podcast. This is a performance you do not want to miss. The Dell XPS powered by Intel Core Ultra. It's got the sauce. We're talking speed, style, stamina, bam, and a long lasting battery life.

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2:34What's your love language? Quality time and words of affirmation. No way. Acts of service is my love language. Be competent and be of use. Help me. That shit makes me melt. But that's so scary because then someone will suck everywhere else and then if they do that, that's like the like... The 17 red flags, but they... But they do that? Love.

3:17She's earned multiple Grammy nominations, collaborated with artists like Justin Bieber, Lil Wayne, Ari Lennox, and established her as one of the most distinctive voices of her generation. Now the Toronto native is back with her latest album, A Little Vengeance. Jesse Reyes is here in real life! We love Jesse so much. Thank you, thank you. Symbiotic. I love you too. How are you, baby? I'm good. I'm tired, but grateful. Why are you so tired? What are they making you do? oh my god too much but we're here and i'm happy to see you and i love seeing you i love seeing you too baby you know i was thinking this morning that you were coming and i was like damn i felt a little bad because the last time well i saw you at your concert we had a great time so your parents met the dog all that we'll get into that later but the time before that was you came to see me at irl booth we're doing the pod but a small version of the pod at the bet awards oh right right and you popped in for a second it was a quick little interview yeah and i love that photo the photo that we got that day is really wholesome it's a cute photo do you remember anything else from that day or no i'm sure i cried which is very you did cry of course it's so oh so you're okay with it in my mind i'm like damn i should have i should have checked on her after and i didn't oh you're sweet i feel bad that i didn't check on you after because you said you had just gone through some heartbreak and you like cried talking about it and then i I was like, I hate that for me.

4:42That's what I was crying about. I was crying about a bum. I hate that for me. By the way, you wouldn't be the first woman to cry over a bum. It happens all the time, every day. Right now, somebody's crying over somebody. Right now. That sucks. That sucks. That sucks. If it's you and you're listening, wipe your fucking tears, bitch. He's a bum. He's a bum. He's a bum. Capital B. But this was like a year ago, right? Yeah. how could you have been crying over a bum a year ago how yeah because you're so dope and and funny and great and talented like what is it bad bad choosing because you seem smart and you and you tapped in so you're not you're not totally surprised by somebody's behavior right yeah like are you choosing bad are you i think i'm i think i at that time i was choosing bad and also I fell in love by accident.

5:35Like I didn't. Slipped on it? I kind of slipped. Yeah. Damn, that sounds crazy. Whoops, slipped and fell. It was an accident. I thought I had my shit together and I saw the cards on the table and I was like, well, this is a fucking flaming red flag. This is a flaming red flag. So like keep it at bay. And I did. And then I... We always think we could control that part. Yeah, what a joke. I think I've learned my lesson now that I'm like, well, I just, you have to be, I actually, I don't think, I know I've learned my lessons, but I almost, I, I, my slingshot shot over here. And then I became a tyrant where I was like, I see a beige flag.

6:13Fuck yo. I see a fucking like the smallest thing that I'm like, no, no, no. And then obviously that's not healthy. What is a flag for you? What is a flag that you might, it doesn't have to be him per se, but like the flags, what are the flags? Multiple baby moms is a flag. lack of accountability as a flag devout this is fuck but it's my truth when someone i i let me preface this by saying i love i'm very spiritual love spirituality love reading about philosophy and how they how they intermingle i like learning about theology but i don't love institutions and i grew up very like traditionally my mom and my mom thank god my parents are very liberal they're open-minded so even still i was still like free to have my own relationship with the divine but i don't like institutions so when someone is profoundly devout is a little bit of a red flag for me no shade you know people do whatever you got to do that's your business but like for me however you find your connection however you find your connection it's fine but but but that scares me a little bit when someone is like because you question maybe they're i don't know it's just a It's a deeper conversation and it's sticky.

7:31They always say you should never talk about politics and religion because I could talk about this for hours because first off, I know, what's the Socrates quote? I know that I know nothing at all. So I'll start there. I know nothing. And your relationship with the divine is yours. But then when men intermingle in history and then books get edited and then agendas get pushed and then equality gets questioned And then when love gets weaponized, that for me is just very, for me, for my internal thing, love cannot be weaponized. So for there to be institutions that are weaponizing love and then you fully subscribe, that to me makes me a little hesitant to trust your judgment.

8:15Yeah. But no shade. And what's beautiful is that some people are able to exist in that world but still hold space for their truth. Like I've had conversations with priests where I've been able to like express my my hesitations and where I see flaws. And then and when there's respect, you can have all sorts of conversations. And he held space for me to be able to express that when I was I was a child. I was younger, but I was able to have it. And then he echoed something that my father had echoed a long time ago, too, which is a you can't you can't. And again, I don't judge it. It's just I don't it's only taken into consideration if I'm considering someone as a partner, because then they're going to be directly, you know.

8:50But if it's someone in passing or a friend, there's no judgment. You do whatever you want to do, no judgment. Because my dad was like, you can't judge or fault someone for however they form a relationship with the divine because it is personal. So you can't, you just can't. And also, things are going to resonate for people. Like, you don't have to, I don't think you have to be like, I subscribe to this, so I agree with everything. I think that's so unfair to get someone to come in because there are flaws. It's kind of like what's wrong with our country right now? this country right now yeah because people feel like they're in so now i have to support all the things all the things are you crazy are you crazy on either side are you crazy on both sides are you crazy yeah yeah yeah yeah make those sort of generalizations without holding space for human error you have the greatest hair jesse thank you like who could just do that who could just flip her hair around in an interview and it just lands right you know what i'm saying my hair be the lady come over there and britney's like push this i'm like okay it's like whatever you do it to your hair it's just that's waiting do you appreciate this hair yeah yeah i appreciate the hair thank god for it yeah i do now when i was a kid i was reckless i don't give a shit but yeah but now now i i've come to appreciate appreciate it it's pretty good thank you thank your parents i might as well to say that you gotta thank the parents yeah okay so go it's okay so you were you were down because you ignored red flags i was down because i ignored red flags you were down bed.

10:14You were crying on the pod about a bum. Yeah. He's done for me so much. Hey guys, today's show is brought to you by our presenting sponsor, Hard Rock Bet. Being rebellious doesn't mean quitting your job and moving to an island. Sometimes being rebellious just means taking a few minutes to do exactly whatever it is you want to do. And that's where Hard Rock Bet comes in, where your inner rebel plays. If you're in New Jersey or Michigan, the Hard Rock Bet casino app has thousands of your favorite games from the casino floor, like slots, blackjack, roulette, whatever you like. And here's what I really appreciate from Hard Rock Bet.

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11:58I'm so happy you came. That was fun. It was so fun for me. Number one, because I love the album. And then watching you in your element, you've always been great as a performer. but watching the crowd grow and then the crowd know you better in a weird way you just have a it's just so organic and such a dope thing to watch and then you go backstage and you're with you saying your parents are there the dogs there your team is there like you've really curated your world very organically to who you are and that is so joyful to see thank you do you feel that inside like from the inside of your world does it feel like that not as much as i need it to be really yeah wow yeah how so because i've always been a workaholic and it's been sustainable actually no it's just things have shifted and it shifted a lot for how i feel but i was always able to bring my parents on tour and like i'm so privileged and spoiled by being i don't miss home because i've been able to bring home i'm able to work that way because i'm able to bring home and bring my hearts like my my love with me but this tour was the first time that i was like far removed from them and i felt it and i was like damn like i don't i want to go home i haven't felt that in nine years wow yeah i don't think i've ever i've ever i like i i generally like touring i generally like that anyways it was the first time that i was like i'm yeah i do that i miss home i miss home that's interesting so but when i was there your parents were there and the dog was there?

13:32Well, that was America. Oh, got it. And then, yeah, so it was just, it was fine. And then we shifted. And then the shift is kind of what rocked me for the first time. And I never really felt that weakness. And then I started doing more inventory. And I feel like I've done this inventory lightly in the last like year or two, year, year, year and a half that like, yes, I've been blessed with a great career and I'm grateful, but everything else suffers for it you know like when you're you know and that's not it's a very common trope i'm not saying anything that's like brand new when you when you work a lot your work-life balance is a joke and like relationships suffer your your your just everything and it's hard to allot time it's hard to even prioritize anything because if something with work comes up that's an opportunity that you can't say no to for the bigger picture it's like i gotta miss his birthday I gotta admit, like, it's just difficult.

14:26And after December of last year, when we finished those six months, my body was, like, exhausted. And it held out. My body's good to me, like, for six months held out. When I finally took a break, which normally happens after two, your body will get sick because of everything it's been, like, countering. Yeah, but, like, it charged me. Like, I was sick for, like, a month. and then I realized I'm like I'm exhausted, and that kind of tired I am, sleep isn't fixing. My soul is tired. To play with emotions to the degree that I play with them is difficult to talk about them. That's why I was like, I cried shocking because they're always here, they're always, you know?

15:06And I realized I looked around, I'm like, well, other artists take breaks, and in nine years I haven't really done that. I have the max I've taken is out of my own volition max I've taken is seven days anything over seven days yeah anything over seven days has been because I got fucked because I was sick or because my body like called it for me it wasn't by will yeah but to say because you know there's people that I didn't there's people that could be okay I'm not touching my phone I'm not touching an email i'm not like even i've just always which is fine which is which is it's a quality i get from just having that sort of work ethic and and watching my parents work my dad in 20 years didn't miss a day of work he missed one day he missed my one day to go to my brother's graduation that's it so like i get this they go so that's how i've you know but it's not sustainable it's not sustainable and also when i see other people around me that have been able to do the like the long game i'm like oh you take breaks you take breaks and you balance so i feel like i'm due for a fucking is that coming are you gonna do it fuck yeah what are you gonna do what does that look like nothing nothing i'm gonna do fucking nothing i'm gonna get a burner phone i'm so excited i don't want to see instagram for like i don't want to see instagram i want to see tiktok i want to see my fucking gmail i just want books and space and woods and family and my dog oh my god yeah and how long are we talking i don't know as long as you need as long as i need and then that's why i said i'm like it might be retirement and the people around me are like are you fucking crazy that's like saying a fish isn't gonna swim anymore you create in your sleep and i was like yeah but but i also don't want and man makes plans and god laughs so like who the fuck knows i can say retirement and then i'm gonna miss it in two months and come back maybe that's all i need or maybe i need more but i also don't want i don't want i'm just at the mercy of God and whatever happens.

17:03But right now? Right now I'm tired. I told my squad, I was like, I'm not doing a fucking massive tweet. Y 'all are going to get 10 shows out of me max. So we're working at it, which I don't think is going to happen until a little after. Ideally, I was going to be done in June. That's not happening anymore, but it's okay. Compromise is fine. You're already compromising. Isn't that some shit? I wasn't supposed to, but it's fine. This is the last compromise, but it's going to be 10 shows and then I'm fucking off. If there's only 10 shows, I do recommend people get to them. because if you haven't been to a jesse ray show it's so good tell them you're so good on stage you're so free and so authentic and thanks pretty great thank you so you still even when you're in those times yeah i was like do you is it still fun for you on the stage yes yeah but i but i've just never felt the longing to go home i'm just it's just such a week it was in city it almost felt dirty right because you do love it so much because i yeah so to feel that i was like what the fuck is this like I've never I've just never for damn near a decade I never felt the like I'll go home I want to hug my mom like I never yeah I can't believe that you it has this is it's taken you this long to realize to get tired yeah maybe you need a little roots yeah yeah and you're so I don't know like self-reflective and like you I don't know you blind spot I guess

18:26you know why so i think because you don't it's not like you work in a factory or you're a doctor it's a privilege no it's because you're a creative and so the creative who is what you gen what you are in real life is a creative you also do that as work oh yeah i see what you're saying you know if you have a clear job like that's my job and i go home you could be if i worked for 300 days straight i need to go i need a break yeah you like you're creative and so it's just it's right it's just you don't shut it off yeah so even if you're not working on the album when you go home you are working on the album it's like a non-stop thing so where is the where's the line where's the line yeah oh my god you know after you go take a break you know what them creative juices are gonna be doing after that you're gonna explode maybe we'll see that's funny like retention like semen retention something might happen you never know yeah yeah we'll see what was the documentary that beyonce did that one time when she was um floating in the water and it was a similar time in her life or some shit and she said i had never taken a vacation same thing she had the same you should go watch that i don't know i feel like there's something in there for you she did that documentary at a period she said i went from destiny's child to that to my solo to this to that to this and i had she had never taken a break it was her first time taking a break why And then she...

20:16quick. They also have a hydrating hair mist that's perfect for keeping your hair soft, hydrated, and frizz-free. And it's got aloe vera and avocado oil, so whether you're detangling, redefining curls, or maintaining protective styles like locks, twists, or braids, it fits right into your routine. Explore viral bestsellers and products of healthier hair of all types from bask and lather go to bask and lather co.com and use the code irl for 20 off that's 20 off at bask and lather co.com code irl i feel like there is you're not yeah there's parallels in just that that feeling of like how do you i don't know anyway you're gonna be okay bobo amen amen you made some changes in your life too the past couple years it's just like sober now that's the other thing I yeah I think maybe that's also what's made it a little bit more apparent maybe that's why it was a blind spot because I had that lubrication to like help me go and now the lubrication is not there so maybe that's why it's more it's clear what made you decide to stop drinking yeah the the I've drank for a long time I started 11 right yeah um and then When Yesi came out, we had an album release party in LA and everyone and their mother came.

21:46Everyone in town came. And I had a bottle of Jameson glued to my hand all night. And I'm like, I used to bartend for years. I was bottle service. When you can count money drunk, you're good. And so that, I was always like, I'm fine. Mind you, at that point, okay, I'm going to finish this. and then I'll tell you the other thing that added. So I was fine and then that... I'll tell you some more shit off camera that happened at that party, but some shit happened. And I ended up with no shoes. I ended up with no shoes and fucking like dead. Like damn near dead and my manager saw me, biz saw me and he was like, Jesse's a little out of it.

22:34Like we should get her the fuck out of here. Got me out of there. Thank God. my folks were in town my mom opened the door which is crazy she was in my house she was she was at home she opened the door and like i can only imagine because obviously i'm out but i can only like she's done this her whole life my whole life like i've been coming home drunk since i was like 14 and she's never been like yeah she she was just really she was sad but like okay it is what it is and then and then I'll tell you some other stuff that happened at home after um and then it was a hangover that lasted like two days and when I finally woke up I was like holy fuck that everything could have gone left at that party like everyone's got cameras everything could have gone and everyone was there there's a lot that could have gone left and then there it goes it clips my album eclipse things that could eclipse my career off of one fucking like stupid viral moment where you're not of where you're not sound mind like yeah and so it just put a lot of shit into perspective and my liver was like cheering for this decision it was like please like we're tired that's that's how it felt and then also i've had experiences in life where i was in love with someone that had intense substance abuse issues and we were together for years on and off for fucking years and that shit was hell and i think maybe that's i think the majority of my trauma comes from that time and having to deal with him and and like how fucked up shit got you ever notice how everything keeps going up rents going up streaming services are going up even your favorite burrito spot suddenly thinks salsa should cost extra but with boost mobile you and your phone bill don't have to play the will this go up soon game because boost mobile has an unlimited talk text, and data plan at a price that'll never go up.

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25:02Customers will pay$25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan. Hi, it's Colin Coward from the Colin Coward podcast. All right. You know what deserves more attention? The assists. Everybody talks about the goal, a big moment that gets replayed on the highlight reels. But too often we overlook all the contributions and collabs that happen along the way. That's true in soccer and honestly, true in life. Halion is shining a light on the assists. An official partner of U.S. soccer, they got a whole lineup of brands ready to deliver for you. So here they are. Sensodyne, dentist recommended defense of your sensitive teeth.

25:36Centrum, fueling your day with science-backed nutrients. Advil, of course, powerful inflammation-fighting pain relief. Voltaren arthritis gel, helps penetrate deep, keeps the joints moving, and Tums, ready to counterattack with fast heartburn relief. These are brands that are ready to deliver your essential wellness assists because every goal starts with an assist. Learn how Halion can assist your game day goals at halionassist.com. Apple Vacations, where your story starts. The Splash into Savings event from Apple Vacations is here. Now through June 25th, save up to$150 on vacation packages, plus instant savings at select resorts in Mexico, the Caribbean, Central America, and top U.S.

26:18destinations. Use promo code JUNE26 for these limited-time offers. Start planning today at AppleVacations.com or contact your travel advisor. Apple Vacations, where your story starts. This is Daniel Cormier from The Daniel Cormier Show. This podcast is sponsored by Total Wireless, the official wireless partner of UFC. All UFC fighters know, power doesn't wait in the octagon or outside of it. You either make the move or you miss the moment. That's why you need a network that's as powerful as you are. With Total Wireless, you get unlimited 5G data keeping you in on all the action. From the walkouts to the knockouts, you'll never miss a moment.

26:56That's coverage that you can count on for every single round. So, when the moment happens, you're not catching up, you're already there. Now that, that's a total power move. In the UFC, power isn't given, it's taken. So make your total power move today. Visit TotalWireless.com or stop by your neighborhood Total Wireless store. 5G access requires a 5G capable device in a 5G service area. Monthly rates on the total base 5G unlimited plan. For new subscribers, applies only to the monthly rate for your plan. Additional terms apply. See website for details. Because I wasn't an angry drunk. I wasn't a like, but it shit just got really dark.

27:34Really dark. So I think that in tandem with being like, okay, it's time. You've done this for this long. Maybe it's time. and i also haven't smoked weed for a long time either so like i was like maybe it's just time and i feel good it's difficult sometimes but i feel how long like three years three years yeah isn't that nuts um yeah three years three years wow mm-hmm it's just you just make the decision and you start right away i work that way i'm uh i'm uh i can't do increments i have to go and then lock in just cut it just cut it yeah yeah you probably like that with relationships too, right?

28:10Like when it's over, it's over. When it's over, it's over. Yeah. You don't go back. Maybe you do. Your blind spots. Your blind spots are crazy. I know. Isn't that ridiculous? Damn, that sucks. But normally I got nothing. Damn. Usually I can be usually like 75 % of the time I'm like this is what it is fuck y 'all yeah and i can move on so what do you notice about yourself that's different people say when they stop drinking their skin or their this or their clarity or your the whites in your eyes are whiter like what do you i don't know have you seen a difference so you feel a difference in your body or anything i feel good uh it's nice to not worry i said this before i was like it's nice to not worry about emotions driving my car because when i would drink emotions would drive the car and then logic is in the back like fucking going from side to side and and emotions are fucking ripping corners and doing donuts and so now i've switched and logic yeah logic's driving emotions are still in the whip they're just like they're just in the back seat so good yeah it's nice so that that i feel good i feel good that i've been able to achieve this new realm where i trust myself more and know with any was it hard like withdrawals or anything like that yeah it was hard with um it was hard with like the first thing that was hard was like dealing with like la parties and shit because i'm introverted so trying to do like social mingle and shit that shit was fucking very difficult at first um but then i got over it and now i could like party sober i could dance the fucking night away sober have a great time and then feel happy that I'm going to wake up okay.

30:04But the only time I miss it is when shit is difficult in life. Like when, like if, yeah, if there's something heavy that's happening, whereas before I could have just done a little cup of whiskey and it would have just served like a morphine button. Now I don't have that. And that's, that's something I still struggle with. So what do you, do you have a vice now? So I have a vice now. You know what I mean? Because people. I know, yeah, supplement. You know, when I stopped smoking weed, when I took a break from smoking weed, my supplement was hot yoga. that's what helped me that's okay that's better at least it's a better vice it's a better vice yeah it's a better vice um i mean fuck sprite and i gotta i gotta chill on sprite too i'd be fucking i love sprite i love sprite i gotta chill when you need it too it's like that's the thing that hits the spot nice man burn my throat it's so good the bubbles fuck i love it you're so funny It's funny because I remember a time when you were in town and you had hit me like, I don't know, we were talking about getting together or something.

31:01And you're like, yeah, we'll do some, we'll have a, go have a shot of tequila. We'll do a thing of tequila. We're going to go have tequila. And then like a couple of years ago, you were like, yo, I'm in New York, random. You want to do a hot yoga class? No way. That's so funny. I was like, oh, look at the evolution of Jessie. That's hilarious. That's really good. Now that's a good time for you. Yeah. I was like, oh. Remember when I couldn't. And number two, I thought, I don't know that I'm in shape to do a high yoga class. I think I might pass out in the damn class. You'll be fine. You could lie down the whole class, eh?

31:31Yeah. Yeah. You could literally, like, the culture is you showed up. That's a win. I did it once. It was okay. Ooh. I would have to try it again. I would do it with you. But then you're going to be standing on your head. So what? I'm going to be able to can't touch my toes. It's okay. It's okay. It's all good. You just focus on your own mat. Fuck everybody. I know. That's a good lesson in life, by the way. Focus on your own mat, guys. do what you need to do on your mat do you remember that little video that went viral it was a little girl like trying to tie her car seat and her dad her mom's trying to help her and she's like worry about yourself worry about yourself no i don't know i'm gonna show you yeah i need to see that it's really good that little video has anyone seen that no i love that that's your algorithm yeah yeah true you forget worry about yourself worry about yourself no no worry about yourself i was like, Oh, this little lady's Confucius.

32:24I love this. That's so good. That is so cute. What about the, um, how has this changed? Cause one thing about your fan base, they feel, I mean, I don't, I don't know them as well as you do clearly, but from the outside, it seems like they are very locked in with you. Like you have a very kind of organic fan base. Yeah. Um, how did they move with your evolutions evolutions and has anything surprised you about that and how they see you or yeah people seeing i i throughout my life there's been little chapters where like it feels like the human connection is very potent like like when gatekeeper dropped and then getting all the messages about like people who had also gone through some shit and fuck when figures dropped when far away dropped when couldn't be me dropped there's been there's certain there's certain songs that like hit a button hit a button um and i guess yeah i guess even with the with the chapter changes i've gotten yeah especially from interviews where i've talked about sobriety i've gotten a shitload of thank you for speaking of it i'm i'm going through it right now or i've relapsed and i i saw this and it really inspired me to try again or or good luck i'm 11 years in you got this like It's really sweet.

33:48But yeah, people have grown with me, which is nuts. I remember Biz told me that this was going to happen years ago. He was like, you're going to get blown away because all of a sudden you're going to start having kids at your show and babies at your show from the people that have grown with you. And that's happening. And I'm like, well, that's fucking wild. Really? Yeah, like little kids with little kiddo t-shirt on. Yeah, see, it's crazy. And that's wild. And what's really beautiful too, which is hilarious, but like The...

34:30For how much I feel like the industry is reluctant to embrace someone as multifaceted musically and creatively as me because one could argue that I'm not as digestible because maybe I'm not packaged the way that people would want or I speak about things that people wouldn't want or whatever the fuck or make too vast a spectrum of music so that it can't be streamlined in a specific genre, whatever, all the reasons. It's really cool that on the other side and the organic side of what I'm doing that I'm beloved for that is really nice and vindicating for having gripped onto what makes me me as opposed to bending and acquiescing earlier in my career for the sake of a shot at maybe a better career I'm happy with what I got I'm grateful for the achievements I've been able to to touch while I'm alive and also grateful to be able to share with my family because I know there's people that want to chase this and want to do it and then time passes and you lose people and you don't even get to like you know the what's the the farmer doesn't get to eat the fruit of their labor but like i've been able to feed people so like um i'm i'm really grateful for that and grateful that that's my like see i told y 'all like see yeah because there's because i didn't need to to to concede i didn't need to bend i didn't need to that feels good yeah and the fans i think feel that people feel that yeah but there is sacrifice in that too yeah of course yeah yeah yeah but probably sacrifice or shit that you who knows if you even wanted that yeah fuck it it wasn't it wasn't meant for me yeah it wasn't meant for me does it look like you thought it will look because it's like you know right sorry i'll let you finish your question i was gonna say you made your career your way but coming up like it wasn't the vision right of how you thought it would go no no because when When you're a kid, you think of life and you're like, oh, I see the dreams and you only see the good.

36:39Because you do, because that's just how you dream. But that's just the nature of life. You see the goal and you see the like. And that applies everywhere. And that applies for everything. And that's also why you fuck up your quality of life if you don't make it a constant practice to be grateful for whatever the fuck you have. Because people with straight hair and want curly hair. And people with a husband want to be single. and people that are single long for their partner and people with no kids long for kids and vice versa it's just it's a constant like you know and and you get the timeline that you were given you subscribe you you you you vibrate in the timeline that that you were given and if you don't fucking learn to appreciate that then you live in a constant state of like what if oh but i wanted that in a constant state of longing and suffering but you want that detachment and acceptance for whatever was given that shit elevates quality of life so much because if you ask me no it doesn't look like it because I because I pictured such a I pictured a utopia and I didn't realize that the utopia had a fucking basement and there are bodies in that basement so it's not fucking you know it's not built on nothing that has been a little bit of a mind fuck coming into it but every day I practice the like wait a minute like and and also helps when I talk to people that have known me from time to be like can you believe it like from from busking to this from from kensington market to this from like that that's a those are really nice reminders and anchors into the moment where i could be like this might not look like exactly what i wanted but but no one looks at their dreams aware of the basement everyone always only looks at that utopia so good yeah the bodies in the basement and also a lot of times i think our dreams or the images of what we think a version of i want a successful career creating making music whatever is fed to us by other people's stories right so like you're a young girl and you're watching people on the lena i remember watching selena i was like what is this yeah yeah and could you imagine what the what she was dealing with yeah and the journey you know in the fights that she had to do so you only see your dreams only like images of what are fed but but you don't know yeah you don't until you do it.

38:49So that is the key, right? Is to find the gratitude. Yeah, and water your garden. Trying to find gratitude every day, whatever you're doing. You could be a teacher, a kindergarten teacher and love teaching the kids. But your idea of being a successful kindergarten teacher is doing it at this private school in this blah, blah, blah neighborhood and this is like, you're chasing something that's an image of what you think it is. And then you're missing the joy of that today, you made a little kid learn how to do whatever. Like you could just miss the joys of our actual real life. And there goes your life.