Angie Martinez IRL - Tashera Simmons on DMX: How Strong Women Lose Themselves In Love

36:29Like give yourself a break. You know what I'm saying? I don't think what you're saying is negative. I think it's honest and there's so much beauty in that. You know what, Angie? Thank you for that because, I mean, I'm trying to hold back my tears. But that's part of why I'm doing this documentary, a talking series, because I just feel like it's a lot untold. I feel like Earl died unhappy. Unhappy? Very unhappy, with a broken heart, misunderstood.

37:01And I was so broken from a lot of things that happened with us in the marriage. I stayed as long as I did because I knew him. And when I say him, I knew Earl. I wanted to save Earl. I saw the road that Earl was going down. It got very unhealthy for me in this aspect of, you know, then, you know, just starting to step out of our marriage and creating a bunch of different families that I know that is the first, one of the first things he told me when I met him at 17 was, I come from a home with three different fathers. When I get married, I want to have only one home because I know what that felt like.

37:49It's chaos. And I want to be there. Like, I want to make sure that I create a solid foundation so to see that not only he was ruining himself, but now he's creating other families that's unstable and going through trauma. Because as we both know as women, you know, it's hard to have, you know, two kids, you know, everybody, you have to put work, you have to be intentional. And it's possible, obviously. And you have to heal. And you have to heal. And he's never healed. Through all of this, I used to constantly tell him. I lost myself in it. I mean, I almost physically, mentally, spiritually died because I wanted so much for him.

38:35I felt like he deserved to be really happy and heal. What about you? What did you deserve? Well, that's why when I go back to it was nothing but God, because had God not stripped me from that relationship, that marriage, I probably would have been a loony tune home because I have a very powerful calling on my life. I know that now. My voice and my courage, I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid to tell people what I've been through, how I felt, how I felt. ugly it was because I'm going to help someone to be, to keep everything all bottled up and try to wear a mask like everything is good is not the move.

39:25And God has given me this courage that I had from day one with Earl. It's what he saw in me that I didn't see in myself. And I wasn't able to blossom and bloom until God stripped me from that marriage. And I've been going on this 10 year healing journey of dying to everything that I thought the enemy told me I was, which was worthless, only good as a wife, a loser, basically unaccomplished, unsuccessful, because I couldn't. It's just so crazy because at the end of the day, You put your value in being a wife that could save her husband. Is that what I'm hearing you say? Very much so. Yeah. Which is like when I look back now.

40:16So you couldn't save him. I had to really focus on myself. And it's something that I had not known how to do. Because remember, when my mom left, I put all my attention. I turned into a mom overnight at 14. So it was all I've ever known to do. So Earl was another project for me. But I didn't realize that. But a project to get away from Tashira. And not until that marriage went left is when I had to really look at myself in the mirror and say, you are more. I will never forget it. When we really finally, I realized we were really broken up. I had a calendar of just his schedule and my two kids, no, no, four kids, because I had four kids at a time.

41:02Three and a half, because I just had my daughter. but we like literally the two yeah because the two of them were home so I had a schedule of two kids on the calendar after everything left I was just like what do I do I went into a five-year depression I didn't even know I literally was a zombie I went to sleep slept all day the kids got off the bus cooked went back it was a cycle that I needed to break but it took a while and that's why I'm like, when I look at other people who have been through trauma and they say they're good after a year, yeah, that's possible, I guess. But when you deal with real crushing trauma, now mind you, I had to get over, I still didn't get over the healing of my mom leaving.

41:49Then I jump into a relationship, another trauma bond, another two broken people coming together. then we get rich now we don't need now that we're not wanting for anything so how oh no no let's forget about the yes men no one's telling him no no one is telling him no they're actually starting to feed him the drugs to start to find out later on in life in the relationship where I had to say something to him about it now I'm just mind your business and I was like who are you wow so it is but but again here I am Angie bravo boo yeah what do you say to a young girl I mean you even have daughters like what do you say to somebody who's in the the beginning stage of that now who's entering who's in a relationship and now you know this generation has more verbiage there's more information yeah because you're explaining this story people have to understand that if you probably didn't even know the term trauma bond back at all it wasn't even a term a familiar term people weren't doing therapy there was no understanding about any of that no so you're in it you don't even know what you're in and you're in it now at least there's some verbiage that helps people understand but what do you say to a young woman in that space right now who's in a trauma bond relationship?

43:19Like, what have you learned? What would you do different? What should they know? What I would tell... That question is always hard for me because my whole life molded me to where I am today. But like you said, the information wasn't there. Like right now, I've been in therapy for eight years. So that has literally changed my life. So with a young girl now, when you see the red flags, first of all, you cannot fix nobody. I will tell there is nothing that you can do for someone who has been broken, who's bitter, who doesn't have the right perspective for their self. There's no saving. There's no saving them.

44:13They can save themselves, but you have to walk away. You, I mean, you could create boundaries. That's something I'm just learning two years ago about boundaries. How can I say crazy? I'm 54 years old. Boundaries had none. You have to, I mean, I don't want to, I don't want to sound harsh, but what I know that, what I know that I know now, what I know that I know now, you got to walk away. Unfortunately, you can, you know, you can try to give them the best advice. I would say point them to a therapist. This is what I tell everybody. When I speak to people, when I go out and speak, they ask me, how did I do it?

44:54I say God first. That's still not good enough for them. I say, because God is the one that's going to guide us and lead us to what we need to be. So that's why I say God first. 102 miles ago, the oil light came on. 100 miles ago, you'd noticed. Now, it's time to head to Take 5. This oil change? Fall in love with your car all over again. In just 10 minutes, your dream technician will check your tire pressure, top off fluids, change your oil, and verify with Carfax exactly what your car really needs, all while keeping you in the driver's seat. Take 5, the stay-in-your-car 10-minute oil change. Find your nearest shop at Take5.com.

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48:31If you're trying to help someone else, direct them to therapy. You can't be, you're not built and equipped, and I don't mean that in an offensive way, but this is a mental and emotional and spiritual battle that you cannot handle. And I know that now, I could say that now because I realized that I was in spiritual warfare. There was so much darkness over X that I did not have a clue. I just thought that it was because what he'd been through. I made every excuse in the book. And at the end of the day, we only have one life. And God has given us all, equipped us for a plan and a purpose for our life.

49:12It's uniquely made. And I know that now. So you can't try to bamboozle yours because I'm trying to find a word. You can't bamboozle yours for somebody else. I mean, I would even say that for a relative, a sibling. I mean, I'm sorry, a relative, a child. like I'm learning now that mental illness is real and I didn't understand I didn't know that even existed no one talked about it my generation my dad's generation I used to try to have conversations with him about my ex-husband and he would always give me very toxic answers he thought I was speaking too much stop telling people about what's happening start doing this is the kind of the generation advice I was getting.

50:02Yeesh. And what it made me do is, you know, keep dealing, keep dealing. So, I mean, I would just say not, you know, try to save yourself before you try to save somebody else. To a younger girl, please try to save yourself first. If you even feel some kind of connection where you want to help somebody that's been through so much trauma, then you need to just kind of look at yourself. To be honest with you, you got something, something's going on down inside you that you even feel connected to want to help that person. Yeah. You know what I mean? I do. Because it's like... I get that. What about, you said you learned, you're learning about boundaries in the past couple of years.

50:40What does that look like? What have you learned? How are you implementing them? So people don't like boundaries. Yeah. I'm learning. I'm learning that. I'm learning. I've never said no. Never. I thought that was the most worst thing to do. I don't know why that like I don't know why I put myself through that because no is so good. It feels so good to say no, because if you don't want to do something. Then no, like, why is that so hard? Why was that so hard for me? Why was it so hard? Why do you think? because um but worth it's my worth and you know what I feel like because of I let my mom and not my dad um no was no when I say no like you're on your own go survive we can't help you we got our own stuff that's going on so I for some reason I put that together with if someone asks me for something, money, help, just out there, like just stuff that people ask you, can I come stay with you?

51:51Can I come live with you? I don't have money. Can you pay for my trip? Like just anything. I would feel like I'm letting them down if I said no because of, that's why it's just - No, I get it. Right? Yeah, I get that. It's so weird. Yeah. Like you're like overcompensating for, I don't know how you were disappointed. You didn't want to disappoint. You don't want to disappoint anybody else. Yeah. I get that. And that's why self-healing is so important. Like you cannot, because I literally let everything flow over into places that shouldn't have even been. Like why? Like, no, I don't. Like, why am I a bad person?

52:31Because I said no. And people play on that. No, for sure. Yo, I'm like, I'm just two years now and I'm at peace now. You would be surprised how many women struggle with this. It's not uncommon. Wow. Saying no and having boundaries. No, it's not uncommon at all. Not uncommon. I feel like I've lost a few people. Well, that's okay. And they weren't meant to be there. Yeah. You start to really see who people are when you set your boundaries. You have an interesting friendship with Debbie. Yes, Debbie Irv. So Debbie was Irv's wife. You were X's wife. I would imagine she had her own little trauma bond going on over there.

53:14I don't want to tell her story. She can tell her own story. But, I mean, we saw some of their story because they had that reality show at one point. But how much has that friendship kind of helped you find your way? I mean, I don't know how close you are. I always got a sense that you were really close. No, no, no. Yeah, she's like one of my best friends. And what I love about her is because we literally mirrored the same story. We went, we walked through our trauma from our marriage together. Literally when X and Ja fell out, things got, well, X and Irv never fell out. They always stayed close, but it made it weird.

53:56You know, like, and X was like, I get it. Like, you know what I'm saying? But Debbie was like, we called each other up literally like we're not letting this affect our like what the guys are doing is so dumb. Like we're not going to do this to our relationship. Like literally that's a conversation we had. And from then on, we were just so close. We were still married, happily married at the time. And when things started to go left, it went left with her first with Irv. So she would start hanging with me and X all the time where Irv would get mad at X and be like, yo, like what's going on? like why like why why is Deb with y 'all like you know what I'm saying or I was like because I love I love Deb like I ain't got nothing to do what's going on with you and Deb and it was so funny but and then me and X fell out which Debbie Debbie and she'll probably tell you if you ever get a chance to speak to her but she was devastated that me and X fell out because she said she's never seen like someone love someone so much and how you know I used to roll X all the time it wasn't like her biggest thing with Irv was like you don't take me nowhere um me and ex I would go everywhere with him so she was like there's no way he was cheating there's no way he was doing this there's no way he's doing that I was like no yeah he did there's a way he found a way yeah yeah he found a way and it's real juicy too let me tell you how he was doing it but yeah she is one of my best friends we definitely went through a lot of trauma together and um the fact that you know when Irv past, you know, her and the kids asked me to speak.

55:30I was scared, to be honest with you. Really? You were beautiful. Thank you. Well, just because I was just like, I was scared because I'm like, what? First I spoke at Earl's. Now I'm speaking at Irv's. This is real creepy. Yeah. Like, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, what am I going to say to two great lives? And that meant a lot to me, too. Like, you know, I was just like, but I nailed it. So thank you, Angie. No, you were amazing. Thank you. What about, you know, there's like a fine line, I think, that women, especially when they're so, when their marriage means, like how you say you found your worth kind of as a wife, right?

56:08I mean, where's the line between like giving grace? You gave X so much grace, Earl, so much grace. Where is the line between grace and then also self-care? because I also like to I don't know I think I give people a lot of grace sometimes people say too much I'm that person trust me I see that you are but what have you learned about that because you are you believe in God you are a godly woman that does usually mean you give people grace you try to see them through how God would see them right um but also then you have to see yourself the way god sees you also too so how do you kind of separate that like when grace like giving giving him grace probably kept you in that relationship for way longer than you needed to be yeah right yeah it did that's that yeah so i'm just saying how do you navigate that how do you think does that make sense it's the question i'm asking no it does and you know what i feel like it was life it was it was a life or death situation like a spiritual life a death situation I started when I say that is because um when you give the grace to a fault where you start to realize that your heart doesn't feel right like my heart and my spirit started to feel like I don't want to say I want to give a better word than off you know what I'm I'm going to tell you.

57:47It's a word that I've been working on. It's called debreeding. Debreeding. So it's a real medical thing that they do with people with diabetes. And it's a metaphor that I learned with my therapist where... Oh, I'm going to make sure that I say it right. So what they do is when people have diabetes, every time they go back, like when they have a sore, every time they go back to the doctor, they have to cut and it bleeds every time. and this is a mentor of mine who suffered from this they said that they asked why when I thought that it's starting to get better and heal you cut it again and he said because I'm constantly cutting and letting it bleed and I know it hurts but when we get to the core you will be healed and I use that metaphor for myself on what you just now said about the grace because even though I'm giving grace, I'm bleeding.

59:06The person's cutting me, but I'm finding something positive to keep on going. And then, but as I kept cutting, getting cut and keep getting hurt during the process, it came to a point where I said, no, no more. There's a soft, hurting spot here that I have to pay attention to and I can't allow them to hurt me anymore. They don't deserve my grace anymore. And it's not until I got to that hurting, I mean, I bled out. Every time I gave Earl Grace or anybody who hurt me for that matter, it wasn't only once. Every time I did it, I was hurting. I went home, I beat myself up or whenever if I'm driving home, like the last week before I saw him, his heart was always with me.

1:00:11And I could really say that. Was mine with him? No. Because I knew I was finally at the place where I was just like, you're toxic. You have not changed one bit and you continue to try to hurt me. But this way, it was a different kind of hurt. He was mad that the kind of outfit that I had on, like I was still his wife. and it hurt me because I'm just like, I could see that you still love me, but you've hurt me so bad. How can you not comprehend that? And I went home and I cried the whole way home. And I said to God, I said, God, why do I still allow this man to make me feel this way? And I give him grace.

1:01:00I should have cussed him out, but I didn't. I just said, yo, worry about whoever you with right now and how they dress. Why are you worrying about what I got on right now? And he was so angry that he left the party. It was we were celebrating our goddaughter. He left because I don't know what kind of reaction he was wanting to get from me, but it was a little embarrassing. You know, everybody's paying attention to us because they know that we're not together, but we're at this bar and we're kicking it. We're talking. and you know it was also the same time when he told me my my vessel is tired but my name's gonna live on and it was a week later that it happened so wow literally so it was like a lot happened in that moment so you're dealing with this all the way up until for his whole life his whole life even when we're broken up so the divorce didn't free you from this trauma bond did not yeah as much as I tried to run away it's still how long were you divorced before he we divorced 2016 so 17 18 he died five years after our divorce and it was a struggle like I mean we didn't see each other all the time but he came every thanksgiving never missed a thanksgiving did that annoy me absolutely every time but I we have kids and it was hard for me to date and move on I mean and every two days before Thanksgiving.

1:02:29So who's going to be at your house at Thanksgiving? The last year, the last Thanksgiving that he spent, I said, Earl, I'm not dating anybody and no one's going to be at the house. Oh, okay, okay. I'm just saying, you know, I don't have to hurt nobody. I'm like, why would you want to hurt somebody that I'm dating and you've moved on a thousand times? Like, what the? Like, and it's like, you know, it's like - But what about you? Have you been able to move on? So I've tried to date. So this is OK. So because this story, I feel like we have to do a part two. Right. Because it's so much. But I did like I tried to move on like in the six years after our divorce.

1:03:07I dated a couple of guys, tried to make sure it was outside of the industry. One was a therapist, a psychiatrist in a school. I like this for you. Right. Exactly. And it was really nice. But he had a drinking problem. Oh, come on. Exactly. So when you say, would you say another girl? The good thing is, see, I had maybe had a trauma bond with Earl. But when I saw that drinking habit, I ran. I was like, oh, no, we ain't about to do this. Exactly. He's a really nice guy, but it wasn't for me. Then I dated another guy who was a construction worker. And he was the most kindest man I've met in my dating.

1:03:49dating, you know, because there was a few guys that maybe just talked on the phone, but he was so kind. And I started to see how wounded I was in that. He aggravated my soul because he was kind to me. Like I literally turned into Earl, I feel like, why are you so happy today? Meanwhile, that's how I used to be to Earl. Like Earl used to say that to me. Why are you so happy today? And I used to be like, because I woke up today and I started to be like that with that guy. and he said to me he said I noticed that you're like starting to be very mean to me and it's always when I'm trying to be kind are you okay and that really hurt me it really hurt me and I said you know what I think it's sometimes it's time for me to start taking time for myself um I don't think this dating thing is the move for me I am broken I'm a broken woman and I tried to act like I was just healed.

1:04:46I'm happy. I moved on. And no, I was really broken. And that was 10 years ago. Wow. That was 10 years ago. You got to give yourself a break though because you don't unravel all of that life quickly. No. It took you all those years to build that life. It took me 10 years to get to where I'm at now. Where do you feel like you are now? I think I'm in the best place I've ever been. The ex versus Earl. is I didn't want to talk about Earl. I tried everything to not go the route that I am now when it comes to being public, but I'm noticing that it is my story. So even though I talk about it like it's kind of present, it really isn't.

1:05:35Now I'm in a place where, first of all, I had to raise four broken kids. um they were very broken because earl was very present in their lives and then he wasn't um i had to try to help them and help myself at the same time so here we go again from earl to now my children but it was a it was so much more rewarding because i knew that it was important for me to put out some human beings in this world that were not broken, like myself and their dad. How do you do that? How do you help children who are broken? When I tell you, it was the best, I lost myself, but I found myself at the same time in my children.

1:06:27And how I did that was I had to shut off the world, in a sense, lock in, don't go out, dating dead, and really take the time for each individual to find out who are you, why are you hurting? This is what happened with mommy and daddy. This is what happens if you are not whole and healed. and I don't want you to be like this. I don't want you to repeat this generational curse that me and your dad did because I was abandoned. My mom was abandoned. My father was abandoned. I found that out as I did my research and healing. Earl was abandoned. His mother and his father, in a sense, his father definitely abandoned him.

1:07:16His mother, because, you know, put him in a group home. Then his mother was abandoned. I don't know about his dad, But these are generational curses. And I was like, it's time to stop now. So I would talk to them. My daughter was one. One of my sons was four. Another one was seven. And then there was a 14-year-old. And I literally talked to them like me and you were talking. There's no guide for being a parent. So I was just like, you know what? I'm going to go for it. Because when I was left alone at 14, nobody told me nothing. Nobody told me nothing. So I'm going to take the risk. And it worked.

1:08:00I mean, it's the best. They are the best. They are the reflection of what I've been through, what I overcame, that God is really real. That's another thing. I instilled God. I said, I know it looks crazy right now. And I don't know if you got a chance to look at the last episode because just so you know, these are like very short clips because there's so much more to come. But I do feel like I'm gone. I'm done. I'm not that woman that I used to be. 102 miles ago, the oil light came on. 100 miles ago, you noticed. Now it's time to head to take five. This oil change, fall in love with your car all over again.

1:08:46In just 10 minutes, your dream technician will check your tire pressure, top off fluids, change your oil, and verify with Carfax exactly what your car really needs. All while keeping you in the driver's seat. Take 5, the stay-in-your-car 10-minute oil change. Find your nearest shop at Take5.com. Premier Protein. It's for getting after life, not just fitness. With 30 grams of protein, 160 calories, and no sugar added. Helping people fuel their joyful lives. With Premier Protein, you can say yes to more, whether it's crushing a big presentation at work, building an epic fort with the kids, or hitting the hiking trail with friends.

1:09:23Premier Protein offers delicious flavors like cafe latte, chocolate, caramel, vanilla, strawberry, and cake batter, to name a few. Find your favorite flavor at premierprotein.com. This is Daniel Cormier from The Daniel Cormier Show. This podcast is sponsored by Total Wireless, the official wireless partner of UFC. All UFC fighters know, power doesn't wait in the octagon or outside of it. You either make the move or you miss the moment. That's why you need a network that's as powerful as you are. With Total Wireless, you get unlimited 5G data keeping you in on all the action. From the walkouts to the knockouts, you'll never miss a moment.

1:09:58That's coverage that you can count on for every single round. So, when the moment happens, you're not catching up, you're already there. Now that, that's a total power move. In the UFC, power isn't given, it's taken. So make your total power move today. Visit TotalWilders.com or stop by your neighborhood Total Wireless store. 5G access requires a 5G-capable device in a 5G service area. Monthly rates on the TotalBase 5G Unlimited plan. For new subscribers, applies only to the monthly rate for your plan. Additional terms apply. See website for details. Support for the show comes from Public, the investing platform for those who take it seriously.

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1:12:13For terms and conditions, visit www.petsbest.com backslash policy. Products are underwritten by American Pet Insurance Company, Independence American Insurance Company or MS Transverse Insurance Company and administered by Pets Best Insurance Services, LLC. One dollar a day premium based on 2024 average new policyholder data for accident and illness plans. Pets age zero to 10. Whatever that happened before, whatever Earl did before, I was over it before he passed. Right. But when he passed, opened up a whole nother wound that I didn't even know was there. Yeah. I'm sure you worry about too because he is your children's father.

1:12:45And you do still have love. I do. So it's like a fine line between protecting him and honoring him and what he could have been and talking about him honestly and his struggles. But then also giving yourself the freedom to tell your full truthful story. Yep. It's like, I'm sure that's complicated. Well, the good thing is I was honest from the beginning. Yeah. They've watched me really struggle and survive. I mean, it was really bad. We basically were like homeless in a home that me and Earl bought with love, but couldn't afford to pay a lot of the bills. And it was just by the grace of God. I mean, because, you know, Earl was totally taken over by the dark side.

1:13:32The person, I don't care what anyone says. I know that the man that I fell in love with, the man that I met, the young boy that I met when we were 17 years old, would never abandon his family. And I say that to say because the devil's real. And I hate to be sounding all like, ooh, but it's the truth. I always say the greatest trick that he ever did was make people believe he didn't. And why I say that is because Earl taught me who Damon was. And I was like, he called him Damon, but I was just like, he doesn't exist. He's not real. And then I seen him get taken over by him. So my children know that.

1:14:14I told them that you have to be very careful. The spirits that you surround yourself with. Women, men, I'm very big. I talk very freely about sex. I feel like soul ties come through sex if you're not aligned with the right partner. I just was honest with them. What is that? What are your beliefs about that? Yo. You think sex could actually... It's definitely soul ties. I don't know if you ever experienced it before, but I've talked to so many women now. And they say that sometimes they have sex with somebody that they didn't know they were with a bunch of other different women. And they're taking on these energies that they don't realize.

1:14:58But I think it's an empath. I'm an empath, which I've had to learn through therapy. what that was but they would feel funny after having sex then they wouldn't even want to be with the person anymore but for some reason they're still craving and yearning for them and I said yeah because you have a soul tie like when you have when you have intercourse you're sharing spirits at the same time and this is why um marriage and I know everybody ain't doing it so I'm not please I'm not trying to judge anyone everybody got to get to that space but But when you, you know, God created marriage for a reason because it's supposed to be intimate with your partner.

1:15:37You know what I'm saying? But I know this is a, we're living in an era that that sounds crazy right now. But that's what you believe. But I do believe in that. And, you know, I believe that walking in the light is always better than walking in the dark. For sure. What do you think about the term ride or die? Because we were fed that. Our generation was fed that so hard. like ride or die doesn't x have ride or die and guess what i'm the right i used to always be love i love to be that ride or die chick but i'll tell you that's that's that's that's over like i'm done i'm done being a ride or die is ride or dying this like is that overrated that's the word i was looking for ride or die is overrated for us grown women out here and you young girls that's trying to be a ride or die, it's overrated.

1:16:24It's whack. It's not even a way to go anymore. You ride or die for yourself. What do you think about the term unconditional love? Yeah. Do you think that's a good thing or do you think that there should be some conditions to love? Even marriage, even the way you know the marriage is for better or for worse and then we're fed this term i love you unconditionally i just wonder for you from having such a tumultuous kind of experience to love someone unconditionally is i feel is dangerous um to to even try to do that like i feel like Like, love has, like, obviously, love's supposed to be easy. And when it doesn't feel easy, and you know how I know that?

1:17:23Because my children. Doesn't loving your, you have a son, right? Doesn't loving your son come easy? I mean, obviously, nothing's perfect. But it's so easy. And I learned that through my children, that this is love. It comes easy. We communicate. Sometimes you may get on my nerves, but I love you unconditional. But when it comes to relationships, so I guess it depends on who you're saying it to. Like, I love him unconditionally. Obviously, it's too early for me to say, but in my next relationship, I feel like I have to kind of fall back on that unconditional. Have some conditions. And create some conditions there.

1:18:03And some boundaries. Yeah, exactly. I got to put boundaries there. And so, no, I think that that's kind of something as we were growing up, we weren't properly taught how to love. I didn't, you know, they didn't think about conditions. They just left. They walked out, figure it out on your own. And then I met this young boy and I was like, I love him unconditional because that's how he loves me. But I don't know if that was really right. Like if I put some conditions up, maybe things would have went a little better. Maybe if I stood up more for myself. And, you know, obviously I want to be hard on myself, but sometimes you got to treat people how to love you.

1:18:42I don't think I did that. You know, and that's in his defense. He's going now, but you got to put some rules. You got to set some boundaries. You didn't hold him accountable. I didn't hold him accountable for nothing. I was just like, I made an excuse for everything. And you know what? I think he had some boundaries. You know, I think he had not in love, but he was always very honest about how he felt. and mine was just like, whatever makes you happy, makes me happy. And that's very, very, because if you don't, people will suck you up. And, you know, so unconditional, you got to come with some conditions, happiness.

1:19:22And that was my way of saying, I love you unconditional. And no, now and where I am today, it has to be some conditions. And guess what? You know what? Probably with our children, too, because sometimes children could do things that may be hurtful and we got to call them on it because we're like, listen, I love you. But that didn't make me feel good. You know, and thank God I haven't had those really. Yeah, but you're putting your you're being honest and holding your kids accountable. Accountable. Exactly. Different. Exactly. And I didn't do that. I didn't do that in my marriage. which, well, I tried to when it was him out of control and how he treated other people or how he treated himself, but not how he treated me.

1:20:08That's weird. Now, okay, we just dropped it just now because I really, that's what she said. That's weird. That's weird. Like when I look back now, I'm just so grateful to be where I am now. Like that, you know, I know people, I've met grown women who are still in this place and that's no judgment. It's just that we got to do better for ourselves. What about love? I don't know. Would you marry again? Yeah. You would. I would. You know what? Because now that I know what I know, I have friends who have came out of similar situations. 20 years later, meeting someone who is just like, they're like, we're doing life together now.

1:20:49And I'm like, wow. So I didn't think about that until recently, though, because now that my kids are getting older and they're good now. My oldest son tells me all the time, he's like, Ma, I want to see you happy. I said, I am happy. He said, but you know what I mean, Ma, you know, like, you know, with someone, you know, having a good life, too, like, you know, with someone. And I'm like, at first I got offended, like, but I like being by myself. I love being single. I was with your father since I was 18 years old. But now I'm like, you know what? It won't be too bad. That doesn't sound too bad.

1:21:28But obviously, God got to be the one to do it. I'm going to know. It'll be so interesting to see you navigate those waters with this new understanding of yourself and just new love for yourself. Yeah, I think it's going to be a lot better. And that's why it makes me happy thinking about if I was able to do life with someone else. I think, well, they have to be the right person. Obviously they got to be, have done the work if they haven't, you know, if they have any issues, but I think, I think marriage is beautiful. I never really talked about a lot of this before because I do believe, believe it or not, the good outweigh the bad in me and Earl's relationship.

1:22:06You still do. I do, man. I just learned so much from that. It was the best times of my life. I mean, we had so much fun. And like I said, like so many other marriages, like they didn't let their wives be around or they didn't know how much money was in a bank account. Like Earl always made me feel like he was just like she runs everything. And he always put me on a pedestal. And I never knew that he was doing the things that he was doing until he started getting really sloppy in the end. And a lot of drugs was being used, so he couldn't keep it together like he used to. But I'm telling you, it's a crazy love story.

1:22:44but but i like it i take it it's your life it's my life it's your real life it's my real life and i'm still here to talk about it thank god thank god god bless me seriously hey guys you ever sign up for a phone plan thinking wow what a great price and then a few months later it's like surprise your bill is higher we hate that with boost mobile you pay 25 a month forever that's unlimited talk text and data starting at just 25 a month there's no price hikes there's no contract and this is forever. Plus Boost Mobile is now a legit nationwide 5G network. They invested billions building 5G towers across the country.

1:23:24So what you need to do is visit boostmobile.com or head to your local Boost store today and get unlimited talk, text, and data for$25 a month forever. 5G speeds not available in all areas. After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay$25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost unlimited plan. All right, we have a segment called IRL Bowl. No, we're going to do our voice note first. This is a voice note. This is usually a listener answer, I mean, a question or comment. So let's get to our voice note. Hi, Tashara. My name's Lauren. So my question was on forgiveness and not for DMX, but for yourself.

1:24:07So a lot of times we blame ourselves for staying in relationships longer than we know to stay in them. And of course, it's always difficult. And have you forgiven yourself for staying longer? Oh, good question. That's an amazing question. The first time I knew I had to forgive myself was the first day I sat on the couch of my therapist. And my first two sessions were just crying because I had realized that I had went too far. I realized that I didn't know what made me happy and I knew that I was gonna start I had to be on that journey to love on myself so the love of myself I go away by myself I went to Hawaii by myself I went to some spiritual retreats um but really loving on yourself to be honest with you is getting a therapist because they tear you to pieces and they build you back up together it's not about Earl.

1:25:05It's not about the kids. It's about the girls sitting in that chair that wants help. And that's the biggest love. Have you forgiven yourself for some of the things that you've done to yourself? Yeah, I have. I just started though. I would say again, a lot of stuff took place two years ago. I've just started to forgive myself. I didn't even know that I needed to forgive myself. And I have these moments where I just start crying or I start laughing. And I'm like, girl, you did some dumb stuff. Why did you do that to yourself? And I think the laughing is good because I don't feel that hurt anymore.

1:25:47I don't feel that whole anymore. I feel like I finally feel whole. I finally see Tashira the way Tashira is supposed to see Tashira. Now, who is she? Man, Tashira is courageous. She's smart. She's loving. She's kind. I'm outgoing. I love to travel. I'm sporadic. I'm last minute. That's sporadic. I love God. Oh, my God. Tashira loves God. I don't know where I would be without him. He's my best friend. yeah seriously that's pretty good hey guys support for this podcast is brought to you by walden university have you ever thought to yourself what if i could go after what i actually want and i could really make a difference well you are not alone and this is exactly why i want to tell you about walden university for over 50 years walden has helped working adults like you get the w with the knowledge the skills and everything you need to build the future that you want and you can make a difference where it matters most if you've been waiting for the right moment this is it head to waldenu.edu and take that first step walden university set a course for change certified to operate by shiv all right now we have a bowl let's put you in the bowl we got a irl bowl pick a question i'm sorry i love my kids too but sorry guys the kids are all right You said you're crying?

1:27:15I'm not crying that you said that. Right? I was like, my kids. My kids. Oh, my God. I'm sorry, guys. Sorry, children. Y 'all already know. This is our IRL Bowl presented by Walden University. If you could instantly master any skill, what would it be?

1:27:36Master living in the moment. that's a skill that takes serious intention just enjoy every day and live in the moment and that's a skill that I'm working on in my healing I love that all right in real life what are you most proud of about yourself in real life the mother I've oh I've I've um I was afraid in the beginning of not being a good mom because of what I've been through and how my mom abandoned me. But that is one of the most things I'm proud of because I have won. I've succeeded to raise healthy four children to be someone's amazing husband or wife. Well done, mama. Thank you. What do you like most about yourself?

1:28:28What I like about myself is that I'm comfortable in my own skin, that I know who I am now. And I have my own identity For a very long time, my identity was in Earl. And now what I really love about myself is that I'm happy to be Tashira. Good for you, boo. I am no longer available for... I am no longer available for negativity, for bullshit, for people speaking on my life that they have no idea about. I am no longer available for that. If it ain't positive, I got no energy for it. period and I'm not afraid to say no do you still feel the need we're gonna wrap up right now but do you still feel the need well I guess you must because you're that's your son's father but do you still feel the need to represent for x for Earl to be a representation for him since he's no longer here I do I do feel um the need to and that's the point of the name of the docuseries um X versus Earl because I feel like he hasn't had the proper representation of who Earl is because, you know, X is who most people really knew and DMX.

1:29:44So I do still feel the need because there, you know, I know who he really was. And two, because it's only right. That's my children's father, not to mention my first love, my childhood sweetheart. And it makes me sad that he went at 50, but Earl was tired and he told me that. And that's why I had peace in it. Not happy about it, but I had peace with it because he told me he was tired and I could see it in his eyes and in his voice and I got scared. And I didn't think it was going to happen, but it did a week later. Wow. Yeah. That must have been a tough time for you. And I didn't think it would be just because I knew that Earl was tired, but I felt a part of me died, definitely.

1:30:36Because he knew me longer than I was alive. We were together and we're friends for over 40 years. And a big part of me was ripped. I mean, before he passed away, I thought I found myself. and then when he passed away I had to die to myself to find myself again and that was not an easy journey it's taken me another three four years to get to where I am now wow my god when is it over god well I think we finally here Angie and I think you are well on your way to wherever you're supposed to be doing yeah thank you I feel that now yeah good for you yeah thank you yeah Yeah, for sure. Congrats on the doc.

1:31:19Thank you. Our final question you didn't get in the bowl, but I'm going to ask you. If God were to text you right now, what would it say? If God were to text me? If you got a text from God right now, what would it say?

1:31:38I want you to start focusing more on yourself.

1:31:45There it is. real life

1:31:52all the way over here because that was so good Angie I just want to tell you real quick though you made it your energy and your spirit it felt safe

1:32:12this is Tashira Simmons in real life Hey guys, thanks for watching. Make sure you subscribe, like, comment, and check out all of the other episodes we have on Angie Martinez IRL podcast.

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