Alex Brooker: The Christmas Intervention (In April)

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23:44That was Christmas past. Yes. Let's move on to Christmas present. Present. Yeah. Oh my gosh! Another ghost! Oh wow. Same hat, different ghost. Which is not a stain. Look at this. It's the ghost of Christmas present. How can you tell it's Christmas present? Because? It's got this season's Arsenal shirt on. This season's Arsenal shirt on. Yeah. So this is the ghost of Christmas present, and we're now gonna try and help you face how your current phase of life is being affected by this obsession with Christmas, and we've got another present for you. Thank you very much. Wow. Give it up for the ghost Christmas present, everybody.

24:25Cheers. Cheers, mate. Thank you, ghost. Be gone. Very good. Be gone, ghost. Be gone. Be gone. Now, everyone is very particular about how they do Christmas. Yeah. Talk me through your perfect Christmas day. Are you up at the crack of dawn? Do you know what? Our daughters, they don't get up too early. They don't. Get up, we watch, we do the presents early doors, have a little bit of Buck's Fizz. Still enjoy that. I've moved on from the pre-mixed to make it myself now. And for the audio listener, he winked at me at pre-mixed. Moved on to the pre-mixed. What about the night before? Night before. Are you going to go do the mass?

25:06No. You don't do any of the mass? No, I don't go to mass. Pub? Do you go pub night before? Yeah, I have been, yeah, last few years, go in early afternoon, just have a couple. Yeah. I missed a few years ago, I had a few too many down there and yeah, it was pretty drunk by the evening. You've got family around, it's not good. It's not ideal, is it? It's not good. Also, you don't want to be hung over Christmas Day. When I was younger, we used to go out big. Christmas Eve was massive. Yeah, like when I was probably like 18, 19, massive night. I loved Christmas. They were some of the best nights. Christmas Eve on the piss.

25:43When you go out and they play Christmas music, there's nothing better. I went to Bruges to see Arsenal just before Christmas. In France.

25:53And it was getting a little bit leery in this bar. And I sat around to the kids and I was like, I promise you now, mate, if you play all I want for Christmas, this place is going to go off. And you had people just going, Arsenal, Arsenal. And it's a bit much. And all of a sudden, you just hear the ding, ding, ding. And everyone was like, yeah! And I was like, fucking told you, didn't I? Told you. I told you, and it was like... You mentioned the last leg. I had the pleasure of joining you last year's... New Year's. New Year's. So the festive period was still underway. Do you count that? You do still count that as the festive period?

26:25Yeah, also because, yeah, obviously someone showed up pre-record, didn't we? So it's the... Don't give it away. That's fine, mate. But you've been doing the last leg for how long now? 15 years. 15 years. 15... No, 14 years this year. 14. Fucking hell. 14 years in September or August, yeah. That is wild, is it? Yeah, it is. What would your younger self have said about the career that you've now had? And I know we joked at the start in the intake questionnaire and you go, professional disability, sports journal, all this lot for you. Yeah. But you've had a mega career for the last fucking 14 years.

27:00I've had a touch. It is. I have. My mate said to me a little while ago, he said, genuinely, when we're at university, if you'd have said to me, what's all Brooker's dream? What's his dreams? and it would be like, meet the Ghostbusters and I met them. So, meet Thierry Henry and I'm like, I've met, and like, he follows me. It's like, go to the Home Alone house and I've got to do that for work and like, obviously things like soccer aid and like, I have had the biggest, like, I've managed to kind of manufacture, like, getting to do all these, like, different, I've done so many things that I love doing but obviously that's all come from doing the last thing.

27:36God beware, I was given a nine-day contract and I was meant to be behind camera so I was meant to be a reporter so I wasn't even meant to be seen on camera and they just put me on the first last leg to show that I was going to be the reporter who'd be out and about later on in the week so I was on with Hills the first part of the very first last leg at the Paralympics in 2012 then I come off and then Josh comes on um and then the next day they called me in and they were like you're not going to be the football reporter anymore we want you to do this show and I was What am I meant to do on there?

28:09No, like, just sit there every night. But before The Last Leg, obviously you were a reporter, but did you think about being a comedian? Did you think about being a TV presenter? Did you think about any of that? I didn't think about any of it. You've got to be in mind, when, I mean, I did a television journalism module as part of my journalism degree, and I remember the assessment because she said that my voice was too common for broadcast. What? Yeah, I remember. I was like, oh, well, yeah. That was a scouser that said that as well, which is like, I love... I love Liverpool it's the greatest city on earth but I was like come on mate let's have a little have a word of yourself it's like you're telling me that like I thought regional dialects were in and so yeah I was I would never had any ideas any designs on on television even when I applied for Channel 4 when I did the YouTube video you had to upload a YouTube video what you do three minutes of Channel 4 airtime and I remember Lee I saw the advert and it was like do you have a background in the media and I was like yeah are you disabled I was like yeah and I was like do you have a background in Paralympic sport and I'd actually been on the development squad for the rifle shooting to go to the Paralympics what reporting on it no so I reported at an open day where they were trying to find athletes for London 2012 and as part of it obviously because I met the criteria I was allowed to try different sports yeah and I tried rifle shooting it's the best I've ever been at anything straight away and they stuck me straight in the squad and then I quit what yeah and this is This is going to sound like quite deep and quite bleak, but I'd never been around other disabled people until like March 2010.

29:44Because even when I go to the hospital, you see people briefly, even when I get my legs, it's always kind of like mainly elderly people. So I'd never been around other disabled people. All my mates, I was like the only one. And then all of a sudden, I was thrown into this world. It was just about being willing, which is ironic given a career I pursued. But it was all about being disabled. I couldn't cope with it. So I quit the team. Had like eight weeks of therapy. I remember the geezer going to me at the end of it. I was like, I feel loads better. And he went, look, Miss Brooke, I really think you need a lot of this.

30:15I was like, yeah. And he was like, no, genuinely, if you can carry on, I really think you should. He was like, you need to talk about this a lot more. But the mad thing is, I kind of have. I've talked about it. I've become more comfortable. People go, I joke now, but I wasn't always like that. No way. like my mates would be like yeah I used to have like a laugh a bit but not like because I wasn't as comfortable in my own skin I was more self-conscious and now I'm like I'm as comfortable as I ever will be I'd assume I don't why did that change then how did you become do you know what it was it was genuinely no word of I've almost done 14 years of a slightly messed up therapy talking about being like I am on a sofa but it's on live telly so you can't help but kind of it just changed like a load I always said to the boys and it was 10 years of last I remember saying to them there's a lot of people obviously it's a job and we've had amazing careers out of it all three of us but for me it's probably had a massive impact because it changed how I viewed myself just from doing this one job because honestly it's had a really I can say that it's life changing don't give me what it has been then also it's life changing in the fact that I've changed how I view myself and I suppose that is the biggest thing you can't probably get any more wouldn't have minded your bathroom in there but it is what it is but I've been very very lucky you mentioned about giving up on the squad the chance of the Paralympics but you also said you were fucking mustard I never big myself up about anything but I was I can honestly say it's naturally the best I've ever been at any single one thing.

32:07Well, let's actually put your sharp shooting skills to the test, shall we? Okay. I need to open the present that Christmas present brought you. Oh! Oh, yes, baby.

32:22Oh, yeah. Is this loaded? For the audio, Alyssa, Alex Brooker has unwrapped a massive Nerf gun, and it's pointed at my face. Right, I think we need to really put this to the test, don't we? Yeah. Why don't we use Jake? Two of my worst bosses of all time in one room. I've been employed by both of these fuckers. Jake, could you put the cuff on the top of your head, please, mate? Yeah, OK. Here we go. Do you know what? I'm going to put these on as well. You're putting goggles on? Yeah, yeah. Why? It's a rubber bullet, mate. He's just told you that he could have made it big when the Paralympics rifle shooting ticked.

32:55Yeah, but that was a long time ago. You know how long he's been doing the last leg for. This is a hell of an advert for diversity.

33:05Alex,

33:09are you ready? I think so. Three, two, one, fire. Oh, here we go. Hit my face. Hit my chest. Oh! Oh!

33:29Sit back in his chair. Sure. Well...

33:37Christmas is ruined. Do you know what? You have put me off Christmas.

33:47That was Christmas present. Thank you, Alex. Yeah, it's all right, mate. No worries. Now we move on to Christmas. Future. Oh, gosh!

34:01What future is this? Don't know. It's a sort of 1980s dystopian future. So for the audio listener, Ghost of Christmas Future is dressed in an 80s shell suit with a piggy-blinded slack cap. This is the Ghost of Christmas Future. Thank you. And with one final present for you, but this time you can open it as soon as he gives it to you. Yes, please. Here we go. Ghost of Christmas Future. Oh, thank you. Be gone. Thank you. Be gone, Ghost. Back to the future. Oh, here we go. What have we got here, mate? Go on, put the cup back on the top of your head now. What have we got here? It's a football joke.

34:38It's a football. Yeah. And we alluded to it earlier, didn't we? So what have we got coming up that we are going to be involved in? Soccer aid. Mate. Soccer aid. How excited are you genuinely? I've been looking forward to chatting to you about this. I'm really nervous. Are you? Yeah. You're in goal, aren't you? Yeah, I'm not as really worried about that. because I'm doing half a half with Paddy McGuinness. Okay. Have you played football? Did you used to play? I started football when I was 12. Yeah. Playing in goal? It was in goal mainly because I filled it. You know, the old five sides. I basically filled those goals so we put Chubsy-Bubsy in the goal and I was happy with that.

35:15I bet you're good. I bet you're strong as well. Shoulder challenge. I bet you're absolutely unbeatable. I'm good at corners. Yeah. As in when they come in I charge out and go to punch the ball but you know punch the ball you know I can't wait to see you I'm looking forward to it what's is it as fun as it looks it's more fun I'm most worried about the meet up no no that'd be and then you're locked in for like three or four days I was the first time I got to do it I was so excited I'd watched I'm sure you've watched them but I watched the first like from when I was at university I remember finishing my first year at university when I did the first one and I remember being obsessed with the idea that there was this game where you've got like Diego Maradona taking a penalty against Jamie Feakston and you're like what the fuck is going on and I remember thinking this is the best thing ever and then obviously I've watched them over the years and then when I got into television if somebody had said what were the things you'd want to do so like obviously League of Their Own was one of them Celebrity Juice was another one and then yeah soccerade was a big one it was like the one that was left that I was so desperate to do and I just thought they wouldn't ask me because obviously they don't associate me probably with somebody who'd be playing football even though I love my football and so when they asked me it was amazing but I was nervous about the meet up because you're there with a lot like you're like oh gosh you know what are the ex-pros going to think what are the other celebs going to think you know because they're like oh it's a geezer you know what football can be you know what sport can be like it's like if they think you're the weak link yeah and is that is it going to be like I was properly like crapping it and you get in and it is the best how many times have you done it now this will be my fifth wow my fifth cap this year before I did the first one I remember Bradley Walsh who did loads of them I remember working with him and he was just he said if I can give you one bit of advice Al he said just get the ball and just give it to a pro and he went and you'll look like the tidiest player there and I remember the very first one literally every time I got it I was just like just give it to someone better than me which is everyone.

37:22So any pass I make makes me, I just remember thinking, I remember making my first completed pass again. That'll do. And I was blowing. That's the thing is, I was just absolutely, absolutely blowing. It's the best though. And also it is, I'm an ambassador for UNICEF UK and I started doing that last year and I've been involved with the charity now and it is for, it's an incredible, it's an incredible cause. It really is. And I always find a very, the first night we'll get there and we'll have the training as soon as we get there and it's awesome and like everyone's excited you'll meet up but the very first night every year you sit there everyone gathers as dinner but they'll show you the appeal films and then it's like that is when it hits home that's when it really hits home because you're doing it's the biggest privilege to do but you are also doing it for an amazing cause and there is like I got really proud to the fact that I got asked to do it and it was awesome because there's the two sides of it.

38:22There's the incredible cause, but then also there's the side of you which is a football fan. And you're there and you're like, bloody hell, it's like Roberto Carlos is just sat right there with me. Now, I still get giddy about meeting footballers and it's so exciting, but they're the best and you sit and you chat with them, we do karaoke. You do what? We do karaoke. What? We have a little bit of karaoke. Do I have to get prepped? No. I bet you, you knocked out about four or five songs just today. You're good to go, mate. Do stay another day, bring your keyboard. I love it. Can I have it back, actually?

38:58I might need to redo that. That's a thing. In rugby, it was part of, not initiation, but that was the first cat. It's not really as much of an initiation. It's just like, in the evening, you just get to sit and everyone's, you know, they have a karaoke machine. Both teams? Both teams. Are you still... No, both teams. Both teams. and everyone sits together and you just sit and I remember the first year doing I always sing Backstreet Boys I want it that way but I remember singing That's your go to Yeah Well obviously it's a boy band Yeah And last year I'd done it with Nicky Byrne from Westlife and Tom Grennan who are obviously professional singers and it's the best it sounded and it's obviously because they were doing the heavy lifting a lot of it but you sit there and you're like bloody Usain Bolt watching me sing Backstreet Boys Seeing how excited you've got at Socorade Soccerade and Christmas, mate.

39:47Yeah, I know. Soccerade is my May Christmas. May and June Christmas every year. My angle is going to be seeing you get so excited about Soccerade clearly means that you can think past Christmas. Well, actually, when I'm at soccer, I don't think about Christmas. I don't think about Christmas. I'm not thinking about that. That's the only time you're not thinking about it. We're making progress, aren't we? Huge progress. That is a slight ween. All he needs is hundreds of thousands of people watching him play football. Seems like a sustainable treatment plan.

40:21Right, Alex, one last attempt at trying to wean you off this Christmas obsession. One final exercise for you. I think you've over-romanticised the best parts of Christmas. Yeah. So I'd quite like to discuss the shittest parts. Okay. So in fact, in the lining of Joe's hat, we've actually got a load of prompts all about Christmas. and you and Joe are going to respond with not what you think the best version of these categories are, but the shittest answer, okay? We're going to keep on going until you hear Santa's bell end. That'll end. That's what it sounds like. Santa's bell end? Well, until you hear the end of Santa's bell, yeah.

41:01So when you hear Santa's bell end. Why do you keep saying Santa's bell end? Do you know what, Joe? Because it's Christmas, I'm having a fucking laugh. Alright? I'm trying to have a fucking laugh at Christmas. First one to be pulled out. What is the shittiest Christmas tradition?

41:24Oh, God. Crackers are shit. Crackers are absolutely futile. Really? I thought you'd love that sort of stuff. Yeah, and it's not, again, people go, oh, because he always loses. No, I don't. It's... That's not why. I always get nail clippers. The amount of bloody nail clippers I've had, Jake. It's just upsetting. Shit is Christmas TV show. I'm going to say it, I've never watched the Queen's or King's speech. The Monarch's speech. Never! No, I've watched them, but I've never enjoyed one. No. I've never gone, Oh, man, that was a belter.

42:03Just put a couple of gags in there. Like, genuinely, if Charles starts this year and goes, Fuck me, it's been a tough old one, innit? I'd go, mate. real plus side like we're one less at the dinner table this year innit and you go mate that's good gear that is good gear like let's have a bit of fun with it the shittiest Christmas song oof oh um I think Mistletoe and Wine is crap that's so shit Mistletoe and Wine children singing Christian rhymes oh is that it oh it's awful what about Away in a Manger Yeah, that's gash. Yeah, but it's endearing though, isn't it? What's endearing about it? Well, I bet he's got no crib for a bed.

42:51I can't say gash. Yeah, you can. By the way, I nearly said gash when I was talking about the king's feet, so there you go. I think it's gash. Shit is Christmas dinner item. Bread sauce can fuck off. Oh, bread sauce. Bread sauce, my, yes. Why, bro? I've never had bread sauce with Christmas. Never had in my life. I've had bread sauce, but I wouldn't have it with Christmas dinner. What difference does it make? Let's name the plainest solid and make it a sauce. By the way, I have mint sauce on all meats. I have mint sauce on all meats! It's the best condiment for me! Now we're talking! Fucking love Christmas!

43:31Down with the monarchy and up with mint sauce! Mint sauce on everything! That's what we're going for. oh wait for Santa's bell to end yeah I get it all of that has told us I think that actually there's quite a lot of shit stuff about Christmas as well don't you think Joe well yeah well it's more some of it is crap actually aimed at Alex really no you're right you've you know bread sauce has annoyed me just thinking about it it was actually nice to see you engage in a bit of shit chat like that with me and we discovered that you're not completely obsessed with everything you're not you're not blindly loyal to Christmas.

44:07No, I'm not blindly loyal to it. No. I'll never turn my back on it, but I don't love everything about it. No. I don't think you can love everything about anything, can you? We've loved everything about you, brother. Oh, mate.

44:22Right, Alex, that is the end of our session today. Well done. Loved it. You know, you engaged in a bit of Christmas negativity with me. And you also gave me a little bit of Christmas positivity. I'm going to leave here going, oh, it's not all that bad. And I hope you leave here going, oh, it's not all that good. No. I think we have a little bit of balance about it. Yeah. Before you go, to remind you of the growth that you've shown in this session, we get you a badge. Badge and a lollipop. That's what every patient gets. What have we gone for for the badge this week, Jake? We've gone for humbug.

45:01Humbug. Humbug. Yeah. And that's for you. Yeah, let's put like, you also get a lollipop. I'll give that to you. Thank you. Can I take any flavour I want? Yeah. Cheers. Do I have to put it on now? It's your badge. You can do whatever you want with it. It's your lolly. It's your badge. Cheers. It's your life. Episode's gone on long enough as it is without me trying to open this on camera. So that's just... These are good. Janet, please, could you come and pick up Alex Brooker? Yeah, sure. Brilliant. Love you. Bye. Alex Brooker, everybody. Cheers, everyone. Cheers. See you later. Cheers. See you later.

45:41Yeah. If you want to join the doctor's wait list, please subscribe to our YouTube channel and follow us on Instagram at we'll see you now show. Remember, unless it's not clear enough already, I'm not the real Santa Claus and I'm not a real doctor. If you need any professional help, you'll find a link to great support services on our Instagram. I've been Joe Marla and this has been Joe Marla. We'll see you now. I'll see you next time. Ho, ho, ho.

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