Elizabeth Day Leaves Joe Marler Speechless!

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2:06What, it's a Pepsi Max? No. You ever been on the Pepsi Max? What's a Pepsi Max? First time I used a C-bomb. Pepsi Max, the big one. The big one? Well, you brought it up. Yeah, I'm talking about a big achievement, but what are you talking about? The big one, the Pepsi Max at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Don't know what that is. What? Never been to Blackpool. Me and you are going out on the town and the town being Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Really? Yeah, I'll even ride you on a donkey. So you go to this massive ride, you go on it, and then what happens? You get off it. Yeah. That's how rides work. Yeah, no, no, no, God forbid.

2:40It was crazy. God forbid I indulge your anecdote that you brought up. What? First time I ever said the C-bomb was on the Pepsi Max. Oh, tell me about it. Well, I went on it and then I said the C-bomb then. It's like trying to have a fucking conversation with the caricature of a teenager. It's ridiculous. You brought it up. I'm saying well done on the big one. You brought it up. I'm saying it's about something else. The big one, the big achievement. What did you bring up? You are not now Joe Marley. You're a BAFTA award-winning Joe Marley. I'm not a BAFTA award-winning Joe Marley. No, you're a BAFTA award-winning Joe Marley.

3:14Celebrity Traitors won a BAFTA this week. Yeah, well done them. Yeah, well done you, mate. It wasn't me. You fucking were. You were in it more than anyone else. I wasn't, yeah. You were in it loads. We're only doing this because you were in it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but it wasn't me, was it? Who was it then? The people that make it. I think congratulations anyway. And thank God it won the BAFTA because that sort of gives us a little bit more legitimacy for doing this as well, doesn't it? Jake it is a big week for you isn't it though final week of what final week of Saturday Night Live UK SNL UK yeah I've been there every Saturday I've loved watching you on that mate oh thank you mate I've loved doing it but nothing brings me more joy than spending time with you brother is that true because I was actually at Television Centre the other day wasn't I and I texted you to see if you were about and it took you seven or eight hours to get back to me saying, yeah, I'm here, brother.

4:09Where you at? It's funny that you say that, isn't it? Because I remember actually asking you if you wanted to do something with me a while ago and I texted you, are we free on this date in June? And you never got back. So what's worse, seven hours before you get back to a friend or never getting back to a friend? Let's put it to our lovely team. Guys, give me a cheer if you think it's worse to take seven hours to respond to a text. give me a cheer if you think it's worse just to never respond to a text they're not fucking cheering for anything do you know what I'm going to a new category give me a cheer if you work on the show but don't engage in any sort of vocalised referendums yeah I think that's the worst one what the bloody hell's going on over here yes yes I think they're more interested to know I do love you brother who have actually what did you say I said I do love you though brother in what way I just feel like I've really it's been a very special thing to do this but also make probably one of my closest friends in the world in you yeah no one was ready for that were they wow fucking hell you alright with that?

5:20can you handle that? you can't? you can't handle that no alright well take it do what you can with it I think it's okay to tell someone what you want from them and what I want from you is I don't know a little bit of affection but that's okay and on that note I suppose oh whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa you don't come to this side of the office very often wow oh wow wow do you know while I've got you here on the subject of asking people what you want from them we'd actually like you the viewer and listener to do something as well for us and I think it's okay to ask for what you want we want you to help us grow this show by liking by subscribing yeah on YouTube on YouTube yeah and commenting because we've built at we'll see you now show we're doing something here guys we're building a community of friends we're doing something we really are doing something why don't you why don't you jump on the big one with us don't know is that too much I thought it was a good call back yeah it's good it's very good but I just wanted you to know that I took on board what you said it's kind of you I struggle with accepting that I struggle with any sort of...

6:36Does it look like I'm sat on his lap? Does it? Does it look like I'm a ventriloquist dummy? I've really enjoyed getting to know you. Yeah, I've enjoyed getting to know you. But that's it. And I find it really hard to give myself to people. Give yourself to me. In the fear of being betrayed. I'll never betray you. and I want to believe that but I do find it tough to actually do that I can only prove that to you through what I do not through what I say and if that takes time, that takes time Are you closing your eyes? Because I'm closing mine Definitely Shall we do the guest bit? Let's do the guest bit Alright,

7:29enough of that Enough of the enough of the bonding. Who have we got in today's chair, Jake? We've got someone who I think is a little bit unlike anyone we've had. Oh, that's good. That's a good start. I think that we've got someone who embraces failure. Good. We've got someone who is an accomplished writer. Oh. We've never had anyone who's quite been in that space of being a novelist, a very accomplished novelist. Oh. We've also got someone who is a far more accomplished podcaster than either of us. Excellent. Not hard though, so that's not the best thing to shout about. Let me give you one last clue and just say, just one lick at you.

8:11And I know it's gonna be Elizabeth Day.

8:20Elizabeth Day. Elizabeth Day. Elizabeth Day. Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth Day. Elizabeth Day. Elizabeth Day. Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth Day. Elizabeth Day, everybody. Elizabeth Day, woo! Her podcast is called How to Fail. How to Fail. Biggest failure in your life? Well, every day I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm failing my eldest son at the moment with how I'm trying to parent or not parent. You're a wonderful parent. That time where I checked to see if I shit myself from afar, that was a fail, wasn't it? Because it turned out that I still had half an hour to go in the car and I didn't have any wipes.

8:58So that's a fail. I wouldn't feel bad about that. I once did a similar thing. I woke up, did this little similar thing. There was a little splodge that came out. Yeah. And I was living with an ex-girlfriend at the time. She woke up and I'm thinking, God, how am I going to explain this? And I just said, the cat must have done a little bit of a whoopsie in the bed. You blame the cat shitting in the bed? Yeah. Yeah, let's get her in. Janet, please, could you send in Elizabeth Day? Yes. Thank you.

9:33Elizabeth Day, everybody! Hi. Oh, sorry. Hello. Wait, but we hugged earlier, so now it's like... No, we haven't met yet. This is the first time we've met, isn't it, Elizabeth? Hello. I love meeting you for the first time. Janet said you didn't like hugs, so what can I say? Did she? Yeah. Well, that's not true. Janet started getting very jealous of other people showing you affection. She told me to stop hugging you as well. I don't know what's going on there. It's not just women then. No, no, no, no. Something going on. I do think she's in love with you. She just hasn't found the words yet. I don't know how to deal with that.

10:08I get very uncomfortable around her. Well, people. People, but yes, Janet. Definitely Janet. How are you? I'm so good, thank you. Oh, so good. Yeah, I'm so excited to meet you. Meet me? Yes. What about Jake from SNL UK? I was very excited to meet him and then I was even more excited when I realised who it was. There was that moment, that light bulb. Oh my God, it's you! It's good. He's also wearing an excellent suit and you're wearing an excellent jacket. So we've all got the tailoring memo. I've got such a good feeling about today. I don't know what it is. You look, it's quite gangster. Because of the shoulders?

10:48No, the pinstripes, isn't it? And the pinstripes, yeah. I thought that was a traditional thing. It is. Gangsters wear pinstripes. Can we start at the beginning? Yes. With the intake questionnaire. Please. Full name. Elizabeth Anne with an E, Melanie Day. What's the difference between Anne with an E and Anne without an E? Well, people who have Anne in their name are very specific about whether there's an E or a not. And it generally pertains to whether you liked Anne of Green Gables. So there were these books, the Anne of Green Gables books, and the character who I had a massive affinity with growing up because she was sort of stubborn and unlovable.

11:29She was always very specific about the fact that her name was spelt with an E because I think she felt that it was classier. Okay. And is that how you feel as well? I just feel an affinity with Anna Green Gables. I don't necessarily think it's classier, but I do think it looks nicer. Do you prefer Elizabeth, Liz, Beth, Betty, Lilibet, Lily, Sarah? What nickname do you prefer? I love this question. I prefer Elizabeth. The whole name? The whole name. And if it was to be shortened? If it has to be shortened, some of my very close friends call me Lizzie, which I think is sweet. I.E. or Y? I.E. Because Y is too trashy.

12:12I wouldn't say trashy. I just feel like... But you'd say common. Oh, horrible. It's terrible. Elizabeth Day. I think I don't like words that end with a Y. It feels like there's not enough of a full stop. The surname ends with one. Great point. Star sign. Scorpio. Sorry. Sort of, yeah. It's the one star sign when you say it, people go, ooh. Yes. But we have a fervent sense of loyalty. So if you do us wrong, we will never forget. I've now learnt to forgive, but I will never forget. I have grudges that are so old, I don't even remember what they did wrong, but I just know that that person slighted me in some way.

12:59I'd like to explore that a bit later. Hang on. Give, not forget. No, forgive, do forget. We're all so devastatingly charismatic and we're meant to be the sexiest sign of the zodiac, so, I mean, what can I say? Well, I think you just did say it. Yes, I know. I mean, it's been said of us. So who am I to protest? Occupation. Writer and podcaster. Who's the biggest celeb you've met? Clint Eastwood. Wow. Yeah. He was amazing. It's like he's in the room. Hey.

13:40Boy. For the audio listener, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do. Normally I have this sort of stuff covered, but I don't know what that was. He's like your biggest... Would Joe be the physically biggest celeb you've ever met? What? Great question. Oh, is that what that meant? No, no, no, it's not. I'm just, while we're on it, I would just be curious to know. Who's physically the best, biggest celeb you've met? Probably Joe Marlott, but unless we're talking height. I have met Peter Crouch. Oh. Oh. Yes. He is very tall. He's pretty tall. Yeah, okay. So you want him as the biggest, that's fine.

14:15Childhood crush? Childhood Crush Morton Harkett lead singer of A-Ha A-Ha Yeah No that's Take on me Take on me Take me Take on me I'll be I'll be I'll be I'll be I'll be

14:48Needless to see! Sorry, we're done. Can't be one of your own. Favourite book. Can't be one of Jo's either. No, okay. Favourite book, it changes, but I'm going to say Bonfire of the Vanities by Tom Wolfe. Bonfire of the Vanities? Yes. Bonfire of the Vanities. It's this epic, dramatic novel set in 1980s New York about a master of the universe, a Wall Street trader who does something terrible and accidentally kills someone. And then it unspools and you follow the trial and it was brilliant. Favourite hobby? I think hobbies are really overrated. Watching reality TV, going to the cinema. Would you go to cinema on your own?

15:38Yes, love it. I love going to cinema on my own. We're friends. Jake, what about you? Cinema on your own. I would go to cinema on my own, yeah. Dinner on your own. Dinner on my own, definitely. Oh, I think dinner's trickier. That's trickier than the cinema. You can hide easier in the cinema. I love going for dinner on my own. Oh, God. Oh, God. You know what was really... What was tough about this whole thing is that you guys were like, yeah, stuff on your own, yeah, stuff on your own. Jake, you say yeah to something on your own. I said, yeah, dinner on my own. You both went, oh, loser. and I was just to be honest with you I'm not that passionate about any of those things on my own I just sort of said it to join in with you guys and now suddenly I'm the weird guy in the corner who's eating on his own again for the fourth night in a row because he can't hold down a relationship I'm crying wait but when you go for dinner on your own do you take something do you take something to read or watch on a pat lunch or do you just just a mirror just a mirror I just look at myself what's a reality show you'd love to take part in?

16:38The Traitors. You'd like to do the Traitors? I'd love to. Why? Because I... You did all right out of it. Yeah. I think it's incredibly interesting psychologically, but I also think it has such a good spirit to it. Like the people who do Traitors are doing it primarily for the love of the game and there are very few reality TV shows that still have that ethos. Any other ones? What about Big Brother? Old school or new school Big Brothers? Old school Big Brother, I think. That would be good, yeah. The only thing that would bother me is that you can't take books in, so I wouldn't be able to read. What?

17:16Nerd. I know! Sorry. We were addressing that. That being shouted from your corner, from your corner. Nerd game. seen a nerd game. That is so involuntary. That is ridiculous. Out of everyone sat in this room and there's nothing wrong with being a nerd. No! The stereotype of a nerd is sat in the podcast. I don't know where it came from. The bully became the bully. I don't know what happened. I thought it was sweet. Thank you. I would love to see you in Big Brother because I think the boredom and not being able to have access to the pen and the paper would lead to some sort of ingenious secret code because the codes that they use to talk amongst each other are so basic, they get found out so quickly.

18:04Yeah. They just use each other's initials basically and say, we've got a code, we've got a code. Whereas I feel like you would sort of craft something quite ingenious. Thank you. You're trying to compensate. I am, I very much am. I very much am. And you have. Nerd! Nerd! You know, I played a game with my friends a couple of months ago, which was, who is the oldest person alive that you would still have sex with?

18:34And I chose Robert Redford and then he died. Whoa! I know! After you did it? We didn't have sex. Oh, God. But I just chose and then clearly, I was like, oh, I better not say now. So you don't want to play that game again? No, I think I've got too much power. Jake? I'd sleep with Cher. You sleep with Cher, great call. That is a great call. Would yours be Jane Fonda? who's Jane Fonda oh yeah she used to do the exercise the workout vids in the 1980s she's a kind of I was minus 10 in the 1980s I know that's hard to believe what year were you born? 90 that's annoying what year were you born? 1978 what?

19:21really? you were born in 78? mm-hmm wow yeah you look great thank you that was so kind of you what do you do? do you do any I don't have children. Okay, that helps. Biohacking, though? I don't do any biohacking. No? I drink a lot of water. I have had salmon sperm injected into my face. Is that a regular treatment or a one-off thing that happens? Regular. Regular. But, like, not that regular. A couple of times a year. A couple of times a year, you put salmon jizzes... Which is biohacking. You're right, it is biohacking. In your face or on your face? Someone does it in, underneath, under the epidermis.

20:02What, with this? What, so they? With a kind of needle and I think, do you call them? Fucking hell, thank God. I thought someone got the salmon. No, and just jizzed it off. Yeah, jizzed it off. Like a tiny little salmon penis. Just, no. Yeah. No. I mean, it could be an option. It might make it cheaper. That is a great, great point. You cut out like the bit where you have to extract it and all that middle man. And just. The salmon's got to watch something to get himself. He's got to watch a video share. That's my new... I've been looking for a job. I want to be a salmon fluffer. Yeah, right. I can see you doing that.

20:37Last one. Do you consent to being analysed by someone who's not a real doctor? Definitely. Wow, the speed at which you did that. Okay, that's great. It's really good.

20:49Elizabeth, you know a lot about other people's lives, don't you? There we go. That's the recurring thread. We needed that. Seamless. You've studied celebrity failures on your podcast as well, How to Fail. And you also started your writing career working on celebrity gossip columns. So we've got celebrity failures on your How to Fail podcast. You keep bringing back reality TV and your love for it. Would it be fair to say that you're slightly obsessed with the lives of other people? Wholly obsessed. Let's find out how deep this obsession goes then, shall we? Yes.

21:30Right, come on then. Let's do it. Let's dig into it. How much do you really love reality TV? Like, what are you into? What's your go-tos? What do you binge the most? The Real Housewives franchises. I think I watch every single one, have watched every single one from the beginning. They are peerless. Why? Hang on, peerless? Without comparison. They're just in a league of their own. And I think they're like that because they started off as fly-on-the-wall documentaries. But how it started out was genuinely, this guy had an idea. He lived in Orange County. He lived in a gated community full of sort of wealthy people.

22:08And he was intrigued by the women who often stayed at home and kept house for their rich spouse. And he pitched the idea of a documentary. And so it started off in a very traditional documentary format. That's the first season of The Real Housewives of Orange County. And then the footage just sat on a shelf somewhere. And a brilliant young producer called Andy Cohen picked up the footage and was like, oh, there's something there. And The Desperate Housewives was a hit TV show at the time. And so he recut it and called it The Real Housewives. And that's the genesis of the show that we have today.

22:42But at its heart, what I find fascinating is how groups of people interact. And in this specific franchise, it's groups of women. And very often they are eccentric and camp and fabulous and exaggerated and awful and get sent to jail. But there's also all of this sort of quiet storyline going on underneath the surface, which is about the power of female friendship or the power of accountability when you've done something wrong. And I love seeing those relationships develop over time, as well as being entertained by it. This is how passionate I am about reality TV. I can tell that. The way you've described it from the start of The Housewives to The Thing has made me go, fucking hell, you love this.

23:25I do. And it's made, because of the passion you've spoken about, I'm like, well, I'm going to go home and I'm going to start watching Housewives now. I'm so happy to hear that. I mean, there's also another point, which is, at the time when I started watching Housewives, which was like 15 years ago, a lot of female roles for women 40 plus were quite cliched or they were mums-y. Like the spinster. Exactly. Or the floozy stop. Exactly. Or the housewife. And suddenly there are these women who are so multifaceted in their complexity. They can be brilliant and they can be awful and they're allowed to be.

24:00It was also the first place I saw the reality of IVF portrayed for the first time when I was going through fertility treatment. And so for me, reality TV performs such an important function because yes, it's unbelievably entertaining. but so often we see ourselves in what we're being shown in a way that we don't always see in other parts of culture okay so that's housewives obsession yes that's your reality what about some like reality tv best moments what are like ones that stand out for you well i do think and i'm not just well i probably am just saying it because you're here but the but celebrity traitors the denouement of Celebrity Traitors season one.

24:43Behave yourself. Sorry. I think you're doing it on purpose now. What? Because you know I have to do it every time. Denouement. Denouement. Denouement. Which, that is, now that's an interesting... Now you've got to French as well. We're struggling with the English stuff. Untying, isn't it? Is that what it comes from? Shakespeare invented 1 ,700 words. He, wow. One of them was bedroom. Really? But really, like bedroom. He came up with bedroom. Bedroom. Wouldn't that make you go, oh, fucking hell, he wasn't all that. But that was a cultural shift as well, because I don't think people saw that there were rooms designated for different things.

25:17It was just go where you can. The hallway, I couldn't believe this, the hallway was something that had to be invented in the 1500s. So before that, there was just room to room to room to room. There were no hallways. And there was an architect who was like, right, I think we're going to put a bit of space between the rooms. Nerd! Ah, yes! Yeah, great! This is great! Yeah! I feel so alive! So if there are separate bedrooms in a house without a hallway or a corridor, so they would just walk into each other's bedrooms? You just walk into each other's bedrooms? That's awkward, isn't it? Yeah, and if you go to some of those old...

25:55No, there's still walls. No, I know. If you're just walking, you have to get to the... Yeah. Would it even have been a kitchen or just an open fireplace? You have to get to the kitchen for a cup of mead and you have to walk through your parents bedroom and they're engaged in the act. Yeah. Yeah, or missionary. What? I think the missionaries came later. This was the 1500s. Good, that is very good. He's back. Come on. He's back. Very good. He's back. I'm not eating alone tonight. Yeah.

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