Maisie Adam Has an Identity Crisis (and a Very Embarrassing Dream)

21:10Joe Marler:I think we know what it means. Do you think? Because you can't help who you dream cheat with. No, but if you're dream cheating night after night after night with the same person, and to then go, I'm not sure what it means, you know that it must mean you want to real cheat. I don't know. Because you ever had a reoccurring dream? My mum has a reoccurring dream that she's trapped in a shed with Lisa Stansfield. But Lisa Stansfield won't let her leave the shed until my mum sings Murder on the Dance Floor by Sophie Ellis-Bexter. And my dad will be woken up because my mum is singing Murder on the Dance Floor in her sleep.

21:44No! Yeah, and this happens most nights.

21:47Joe Marler:Quite a tune. I think my dad's going to leave.

21:52Like, and I've dream cheated, but it's not with somebody... Like, you don't... What? You can't control it.

21:58Joe Marler:Who have you dream cheated with? Well, mine was Clive Myrie. Why? I don't know. I like Mastermind, but not that much. Well, start to say I'll finish. Cut off!

22:14It's in the chair. Is it really? It's in the chair.

22:18Joe Marler:What? And in the dream, at what point in the show are you? Have you done introductions? I can't talk about roles. Have you done specialist subject, or are you waiting until your turn to then do the general knowledge round? I can't. Oh, God. We've finished filming, and we're the last two people in the studio. He's old enough to be my dad. He's, I'm sure, happily married, as am I. You can't control who you sleep with in your dreams. This is what I mean. So I don't think this woman is, like, fancying her brother-in-law. No. I suppose it's about what it symbolises. I mean, for you, you have a lust for knowledge.

22:57Joe Marler:Exactly. I think it's what it is. That's it. I don't know what the Sophie-Lisbexta one is, but we'll work on it.

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23:47Joe Marler:Go on. What do you wear for Padell? Just one more time for me. You say Padell's like clothing. It's hard to take the piss out of you when you then stumble on your words. One of the worst things you can do in an argument is when you're saying like, yeah, well, you didn't probably, probably, I don't know, hell. I hate that when that happens. No, you're right. You're right. I still do like my sport, especially Padell. Because this is the year where I'm trying to get my fitness sorted. I've been going to the gym more. I think for when, well, I've not even asked you yet, but if we play Padell together, I just want to get my clothing sort of look sorted for that.

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26:07Joe Marler:In the pie chart of Maisie Adams' identities, how big of a slice is the football? Oh, that's good. I would say a... I didn't do maths. Like a bit bigger than a sliver. 35%. 40%. Yeah. So you'd describe yourself as a competitive person then? Yeah. Now, this is a dark side, actually. Oh. The football I do play is either Sunday League in Brighton or a charity match. So there's no need for me to be competitive. Even in my actual job, comedy, there's no need to be competitive. Oh, yeah, I'm well aware of how competitive you are. It's terrible. That hit list that we did together. Oh, do you remember?

26:52You're a disgrace. Excuse me, we won.

26:55Joe Marler:Even competitive in that response. You can be my bodyguard. You can call me Al. There we go. Hello. This is Lionel Richie. No, Adele. Adele. I've already seen the shows that. Yeah, but you went too low. You went, how does he say hello? He goes, hello. Oh, yeah, she's hello. Yeah, which is the one I did. Yeah, you're right. You're right, sorry. What was your team dynamic like on the show? This. Strange. This. It was the first time we'd met. We hadn't met before, yeah. And I think that was apparent because... Them two will be all right together. Yeah. What was their... Because normally it's, you know, they're radio DJs, so they probably, you know, you can see them being together or they're kids' TV presenters.

27:36Joe Marler:what was the sort of rationale for you to be together? I imagine. Hair. Oh, do you reckon? Yeah. Yeah, that's true, actually. Between the two of us, we had a full head. We did. Because at the time, I had my skinhead, so I was shaved at the back and you were shaved at the sides. Those ones where you're really competitive, but it's for charity, it just looks like you really care. What I can struggle with is just being competitive. Do you think that competitive nature drove you to arguably, you can correct me if I'm wrong, to your biggest success, champion of Taskmaster. Oh, nice. Yeah, I think so, actually.

28:17That's good. Can we have a round of applause for that? That is good. That is good. So you've hit the nail on the head there because Taskmaster, they want you to be competitive. Like, if you kind of sail in and, like, you don't really care, it doesn't look... It doesn't work. So they want you to have like a breakdown and lose your mind, which is exactly what happened. And I think it was okay. Hit list, we got away with it because we looked keen for the charity. And the others were shit.

28:48Joe Marler:They were shit. They were quite bad. Chris McCausland and John Thompson were shit. But they were quite visibly annoyed at leaving first. See, she remembers. Do you remember? And how buzzing were we? It's filmed up in Glasgow. Oh, no. It's a long way to travel to be out within 15 minutes of a half-hour show, isn't it? Livid. They were livid. Livid. Lovely men, but livid men. When I used to write questions on the chase, we did the celebrity chase, and we had John Sargent on there. And he had a question, and he was going to get caught on this one, which was, in 1980-whatever, where were the jam going?

29:29Joe Marler:were they going overground, underground, or Wombling Free? And he said, I'd like to lock in Wombling Free. No! He got kicked off the chase and then afterwards stormed out and said, I told you, Lestatian, I don't do pop music. No! I don't do popular current music. I don't know. Sorry that we put in this question about the jam from 1980 and you'd gone with Wombling Free? I mean, even going, even though Overground would have been like... For saying with a straight face, I'd like to lock in Wombling Free. You've done the chase, haven't you, Maisie? Yes, Jake, I have. Not the celebrity chase. I did the chase before becoming a standard.

30:08It's one of my favourite things. Yeah. And I remember being so, so excited and then very much realising how out of my depth I was. The best bit, I don't think this made the edit, but the best bit was the woman in... So I was like third in the line-up. The first guy, I think, took the middle offer and made it back home. then there was this woman she was maybe like I would guess in her mid to late 60s and she was very nice and she went on and she won 58 grand she took the higher offer and she brought it back and um Bradley Walsh went to her and if you won like that whole money like what would you do with 58 grand and she went well me and my mum want to see lots of different types of monkeys we want like we keep trying to tick off all these different kind of monkey and there's a certain breed of monkey that we'd like to see so i was thinking like bloody hell she's gonna have to go to i know borneo somewhere like that and bradley wash but like so where do you get that monkey she went dudley safari it's like you've won 58 grand mary sky's the limit babe like dudley you win 58 grand and go to dudley do you think that was your breakthrough moment then no no because i went i was next i took the minus offer.

31:26Still lost. Didn't make it back. Yeah. I bet Mary was thinking,

31:30Joe Marler:yeah, that's right. Yeah. Honestly, I reckon if she ever sees me on the TV now, she must just think thick bint. She must. Another identity. Yeah. Thick bint. Thick bint. So it's comedian footballer and thick bint. So we've got comedian footballer, game show maestro, a Reddit troll and a thick bint. Yep. Great. Lovely.

31:56Joe Marler:You wanted to be an actor growing up? Yeah, like I did drama. How did it then transition to stand-up comedy? Oh, well, I went to drama school, came out after three years with no agent, no job offers, moved back home with my mum and dad and just was like, I was going up for just the worst acting roles. like there was one role that I was like God if I get this it might be my big break and it was to be in the queue in a bank advert like to be in the queue to see the person at the bank No lines? No lines Did you have to send a self-tape? Yeah What did you do? Can you do what you did in the self-tape?

32:40Joe Marler:You have to like show the size of your hands and say where you're based but I didn't have any lines so I was just going my name's Maisie these are my hands Did you stand in queue for them? In the tape? like not well there wasn't anybody else who just stood like I was in a queue is it weirder if you get a friend to queue with you I don't know about her but the friend oh that would that would be heartbreaking that would be detrimental to my my well-being is if I sent in a video of me and my friend queuing and the friend got got the role of queuer yeah but thank goodness you didn't get that role Thank God I didn't become a queuer.

33:22Joe Marler:Because if you had got that role, you might not have then gone on to what you've done. No, I suspect not a lot would have come from queuing. And I think just out of desperation to perform because I wasn't getting the queuing gigs, I decided to give stand-up a go. Why? That's quite a big jump. I'd always liked stand-up. And I'd go and watch it. I really, really love making people laugh. If I can make a stranger laugh, I'm like, nailed it. Do you find it hard? That's so sad. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. But it's true. It's true. If I meet a friend's friend at a wedding, like, you know, when you get sat next to somebody, I'm not, like, trying to be on, but I just like making people laugh.

34:08Joe Marler:Yeah, you like making people laugh. Yeah. Whereas in my situation, if I was at that wedding and sat next to a stranger, I'd leave. Really? Yeah. Just not interested in... Because I'd only upset them. Yeah. And even though they do nothing to me... Why would you upset them? I don't know. It's just what I do, isn't it? Yeah. Even though they do nothing to me, I'd be upset. So I'd just get in the car and leave. Leave the wedding? Yeah. Because you're sat next to someone you don't know? Yeah, actually, that's a lie. I wouldn't even go. You wouldn't go? I don't like going anywhere. When your friends invite you to a wedding, do you ask to see a list of who else is going?

34:41Joe Marler:Well, fortunately for me, I don't have any. So... You get the phone call and it's like, Jo, we've got some news. We're getting married. We're getting married. It's going to be next year. Yeah, well, I only upset everyone like I always do, so I won't be going. Goodbye. Have you ever been a best man? I said no. You said no? Did you really? Yeah. I said no, made up an excuse. You said no? No one's ever said no. I said no, made up an excuse that I wasn't going to be in the country. I was still playing rugby at the time and there was going to be a tour on that date. It then turned out that the dates didn't clash, so I was available.

35:18but then they were like

35:20Joe Marler:oh so you're over and I went yeah but it's fine you just crack on you know if you're already you know it's fine I think that's one of the biggest differences though you said no to being best man I watch best men at weddings knowing I could never have been a best man because I'm not a man and often I know the bride not the groom but I watch the best men's speeches and think I should have done it yeah I could have done that oh you watching best men's speeches is like watching somebody do my job badly. It's so, I can't do it. I can't do it. So that's actually the mic technique, the way they pause for a laugh.

35:58Joe Marler:One of the worst is then getting the gag, being pleased about it and then going, but seriously. Yeah. And then trying to get into an emotional bit. There's this weird thing with best men as well where like, it's the one speech which is like seen traditionally as quite, they always try and roast the groom. So they basically go like, you're a piece of, You're a piece of shit. You're so ugly and you've never deserved love and you look like an idiot and you're embarrassing and you can't pull anybody. But seriously, Emma looks beautiful today. Like, the segue is insane. They'll tell a really inappropriate story about this bloke in front of his grandma.

36:34Yeah. Oh, do you remember when you did loads of coke and shagged that 45-year-old? Anyway, Emma, I think we can all agree, looks absolutely stunning today. And she's just blended into the... Like, it's so odd.

36:48Joe Marler:We've got one final exercise. Okay, great. To see if we can help. What you have is skill and a drive to not only try, but excel at multiple things. Yes, please. But what I'm not having is the bullshit position of you being a Leeds United fan and living in Brighton. Why? People can move. People can migrate, geese migrate. You're claiming all the benefits of Brighton. You enjoy everything about Brighton. You love Brighton, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. But you don't give back. To help put this to bed once and for all, Jake and I have devised a little exercise called All Roads Lead to Brighton. So we'll offer you two things.

37:40Joe Marler:One of them will be from Brighton, one of them will be from Leeds. You'll be following your gut to say which thing means the most to you. and based on your scores, we'll get a good picture as to whether truly you are, at heart, a Brightonian or a Leedsonian. Oh, I see. It's not. It's fine. Ready? Yeah. Aquariums or jelly tots? Jelly tots. Where are jelly tots from, Jake? So, jelly tots are indeed from Leeds, accidentally invented by Dr. Brian Boffey, the most boring-sounding man ever, apparently, in the 1960s, whereas aquariums, Brighton Sea Life was the first one in 1872. Great, lovely. Like aquariums?

38:17No, not really. Why? It's like the sea but not real.

38:24Joe Marler:Marks and Spencer's or The Body Shop? Marks and Spencer's. Where's Marks and Spencer's originate from? The first one was in Kirkgate Market, Leeds. The first one was created in 1884 at a stall in Kirkgate Market in Leeds. Unbelievable. She's leads through and through, Jo. There's no beating this. Yeah, we'll see. Nudist beaches or commercially successful steam locomotives? I didn't know there was a nudist beach at Brighton until a few months in there and I just went for a walk. How did you find out? I just went for a walk and I was like, what is happening here? It was like being in the butchers.

39:04It was absolutely terrifying. Steam locomotives.

39:08Joe Marler:Right, where was the steam locomotive? Well, the steam locomotive was the first commercially successful one, of course. I don't want to get confused with prototypes. 1812 by Matthew Murray of Holbeck, whereas Brighton, obviously, the first public naturist beach in 1980. What about electric trains or selfies? Ooh. Electric trains or selfies? What do you prefer? Well, I don't like a selfie because I never get my angles right. And trains. I do like trains. Not in like a weird way, but yeah, trains. Electric trains. Good. Electric trains. That's Brighton. Where did electric trains come from, Jake?

39:50Joe Marler:It's Brighton. Volks Electric Railway, the world's oldest operating electric railway running across the seafront, 1883. And then the selfie thing, that was apparently taken by an astronomer in 1883 called Washington Teasdale. Right. Where's this link into Leeds? At Kirksdale Abbey. Oh. Kirksdale Abbey, sorry. Thank you for that. Because I would have completely felt that. He just took a photo, some astronomer. I was like, where's the Leeds leader? Mate, this is close. It was a selfie with Mel B. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is close and it's currently 3-1 in Leeds' favour. Oh God, come on. Pornography or dialysis?

40:31Something that cleans your blood.

40:33Joe Marler:To keep you alive. To keep you alive. Or pornography. I'll go for dialysis, I reckon, given my mum's going to watch this. Right, where's dialysis invented? Well, the first ever dialysis unit was at Leeds General Infirmary. Apparently, according to the BFI, Esme Collings in 1897, in A Woman Undressing, was Britain's first erotic film, and it was in Brighton. Of course it was. Of course it was. Full of little minxes, isn't it, Brighton? Everyone's at it. It's four to Leeds, though, Maison. So you are a Leeds person through and through. Marching on together. What's that? That's the song we sing at Leeds.

41:14We're going to see you win. We are so proud. We shout it out loud. We love you, Leeds. Leeds.

41:24Joe Marler:Leeds. Leeds. There it is. What did Brighton do, Joe? Albion. Albion. You sound like you're having a stroke God

41:41Joe Marler:Right, well we've come to the end of today's session Thank you very much Maisie Thank you Do you feel like you've made some progress in your identity crisis? I think the only thing I've got to take going forward from this is maybe I need a skincare routine It makes me feel any better, he's 25 That's what Robbie will do to you Before you go, as we do with every guest we give them a badge to remind them of the progress that they've made in today's session oh that's nice that's nice Jake have we made up a badge I've got a badge right here Jo okay what have we got we have for you to wear out with pride Brighton Rocks Brighton Rocks Brighton Rocks yep do you know what I it's so nice I'm not going to wear it now I'm going to keep it you know I know what that means yeah Maisie Adam everybody thank you Janet yeah she's just coming now thank you well done Nice to see you.

42:36Joe Marler:If you want to join the doctor's wait list, then please subscribe to our YouTube channel and follow us on Instagram, at we'll see you now show. Remember, unless it's not clear enough already, I'm not a real doctor. If you need any professional help, you'll find a link to great support services on our Instagram. I've been Joe Marla, and this has been Joe Marla We'll See You Now, presented by Giacomo. I'll see you next time. Bye-bye.

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