Nick Mohammed: Traitors BETRAYAL & Rebuilding Trust… with a CROSSBOW

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1:29Which of these treacherous people do you relate the most to? Judas, Brutus, or Janine from EastEnders? I am being played like a flute. Why didn't you punish my daddy as a bad person?

1:48Yeah.

1:51I'm now going to shoot this paper cut off of the top of your head. using a crossbow. Oh my God. Nick, do you trust me? Hello, you've found your way to my office. Welcome. This is Joe Marler will see you now with me, Dr. Joe Marler. I ask questions, people get a little bit uncomfortable and maybe, just maybe, I make a difference. With me on this journey is my faithful assistant, Jake. Jake. Joe. Please say hello first. Joe, hello and thank you for having me. I am delighted to be in what is quite an incredible doctor's office you've managed to whip up. I mean, let's not be under any other illusions.

2:39You are not a qualified doctor. As if you bled with that. Well, you're not a qualified doctor. Well, not yet. Not yet. I mean, you're getting there. You're qualified in the sense that you were sort of quite good on the traitors and so therefore can sort of read people. Yeah, and I've watched loads of Netflix. Netflix. Yeah, great. Exactly. Dharma. Completed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? You name the psycho show. Making a murderer. Done. Tiger King. Done. In another life, I could see you being Tiger King. I don't know why. Exotic Joe. Yeah, Exotic Joe. He sounds Sounds like an act at Benidorm.

3:23Just you pulling out rugby balls from different orifices. Da da da da. It's exhausting, Joe. I'm trying my hardest to set this new professional persona and within a matter of seconds, poof. Right, Joe, come on then. People want to know, what is this show? What are we doing here? What is this show? This show is pseudo-psychologist Joe. Pseudo meaning fake. Yeah. Joe meaning me. Sure. Putting it on celebrities. None of this usual, how are you, where did you grow up, what did you do, you know, that sort of thing. Let's put some different questions to them, see if we can get some different answers.

4:11In terms of the history of underqualified doctors that have made it big, Dr. Dre. Yeah. Dr Pepper? Good. Dr Ertke? German bloke makes pizzas. Of the lot of them, I think you can genuinely be a force for good. Yeah. I really do believe that. And you're the best assistant since Dobby. Wow. Thank you.

4:44I am very excited about what we've managed to pull off here with our first guest First guest How has this happened? We've started big, haven't we? It is comedian, actor, fellow faithful, frenemy, Nick Muhammad Huge He is currently waiting in the waiting room, which definitely exists This is the showdown that everyone's been waiting for Yeah, it's the showdown I've been waiting for What I can't get my head around is that you, Joe Marler, were less trustworthy than Alan Carr, who basically every episode just said, I'm a traitor. I mean, essentially, in not so many words, he couldn't say I'm a faithful with a straight face.

5:23He forgot he had a shield. Yet you, in Nick's eyes, was less trustworthy. Why do you think that is? Yeah, well, I need to get to the bottom of that. It has been bugging me a lot because he was my handy P. and I haven't quite gotten to the reason why at the last minute. We had a plan in place. It was going so well. And I thought, this is it. Yeah. We're going to nail this. You know, ultimately it might be because at times I would say to him, look, maybe I got a bit creepy. Do you think it came on a bit too strong? Yeah, a bit too strong. I want it to be me and you, like Jack and Rose at the end of the Titanic.

6:03okay that round table is going to be our door floating on the icy Atlantic it's me and you I think I might get rid of him it's a bit much David do you want to get rid of him David's got no fucking idea what's going on David still doesn't know who the traitors are David thinks it's Linda from series two

6:22yeah you're right Jake I need to get to the bottom of this and I don't think there's any better way to do that than you know Maybe putting it on him a little bit. Yeah. Janet. Yeah, we're ready for him now. Okay, goodbye.

6:46Joe. Aw, hello, gorgeous. Can I just... Yeah. I don't usually start with that. I think I have to think I have to. Thank you. Janet sends love as well. Oh, thank you. Yeah. That's great. She doesn't often do that. She's quite a great... She's had a lot of work done.

7:02What? It's just grubby. I've got a grubby... You've got a grubby nerd. Welcome to my office, my practice. My... I've just seen that. That's good. Great. How are you feeling? I'm feeling all right, actually. How are you feeling? It's not about me. We'll get on to it. We'll get on to it. It's about you. First thing I get every client to do is fill out an intake questionnaire. Yeah. I just see that. Oh, sorry, that's your file. You're not meant to see that yet. Okay. It says Judas on. Apologies. Quite an aggressive start. Full name. Nicholas George Mohammed. Occupation. Axa, I guess. Star sign. Libra.

7:49Yes, you are, aren't you? I know a lot about Libras. Balanced. You've got a knack for keeping the peace in life, treating everyone with respect and kindness. They love helping others. and make great humanitarians. Just like the symbol for their sign, the scales. Yeah. They do their best to keep balanced in life and allow their gentle nature lead the way. That sounds about right. Yeah, it does. Biggest regret? Tool. I think you know that. Say again? I just went, oh, I didn't see that coming.

8:26I thought you said tool. No, no, no, no, no. Tool! I'm not here just to heckle you Nick I promise I forgot I wasn't watching telly for a second there I just thought oh my gosh he's gone there that quickly Hang on what was the question? Biggest regret Biggest regret I think we know Do we? Yeah And what was it? Voting you off Biggest fear? The response to voting you off Biggest lie you've ever told Oh I regretted it No I'm kidding The biggest lie I've ever told. I once had to, I just once pretended to be Scottish because I had to practice an accent for a TV thing. And someone told me the best way to practice an accent is just to go out and socialize in that accent.

9:19And I was just chatting to someone who I didn't know about. I was just chatting in a fake, and it felt like I was really kind of hoodwinking them. And I guess that was a lie. Did you have a go-to line? because I've done similar. There was a line, I think it was like, whereabouts in Scotland are you from? And I just said, Glen Fadich, which doesn't make any sense. I would always go with, I'll have my haggis on a silver plate. That's good. That's good. Proudest moment. Oh, goodness me. I think when my son went on Catster's Countdown, that was a pretty proud moment. What was he doing on Catster's Countdown?

9:54He was playing Master Swallow to me as Mr. Swallow. Because he's got an incredible memory, like a proper incredible memory. And he wanted to go on because he'd seen me do the card memory. And so he, yeah, he went on and memorised all these flashcards in a random order. And recounted them in reverse. He was only like six and a half at the time. And to the point where I kind of broke character, I was meant to be in character, but I just couldn't but be a proud dad. That was in that moment. Coolest fact you know. The Tyrannosaurus Rex is closer in age, or in terms of number of years, to the iPad than it is to the Stegosaurus.

10:35Because the Stegosaurus was extinct before the Tyrannosaurus Rex was around. Isn't that amazing? Which of these treacherous people do you relate the most to? Judas, Brutus, or Janine from EastEnders? I love it for it to be Janine, but I think Judas, I think go with the original, the goat.

10:58Do you consent being analysed by someone who is not a real doctor? That says I am a real doctor. I'm not, in case you didn't know that. I'm more than happy to be analysed by you. Okay, do you mind just signing that then? Physical examination. Thank you. Mental examination. Okay, do you want my... Okay, yeah. Your actual signature? Yeah. Well, it would go a long way to building trust back up. Before we get started, I'd like to introduce you to the man slash assistant that has just been sat in the corner of my office the entire time so far. Nick, pleasure to meet you. Pleasure to meet you too. If you need anything Googling, I can do that.

11:37Great, so fact check. Yeah, I can fact check. Do you want to fact check the iPad and the Tyrannosaurus Rex fact? I did, and it's absolutely spot on. 83 million years apart. Yeah, isn't that mad? It's incredible. Favourite dinosaur?

11:50Raptor, I think. Velociraptor. I mean, it's so skewed because of Jurassic Park. It's either going to be T-Rex, Velociraptor, or what's the one with... Bronchitis. Not bronchitis. No, with frilly things. Not Dilophosaurus, maybe? Oh, the one that goes... Yeah, J, that's one for you. No, not that one. Sorry, that's the one it's not. Yeah. A long neck one. Dippludocus's were renowned for being quite thick. Hence the term. He's a bit dippy. Oh, really? Oh, wow. Is that where that comes from? Don't know. No, that's me. That will happen a lot, by the way. Fact check that one, Jake. That will happen.

12:23I don't think I need to fact check that one. They were big. They were big. Cleopatra lived closer to World War II than she did to the building of the pyramids. What? You can have that one. That's a good one. Shall we just do the entire session of facts of things that live closer to this? Yeah, I mean, it's a good format. We could explore it. Yeah. Okay, that'll be season two. Well, thank you for that, Nick. From my perspective, Yes. I think there's an area we can work on. It's about rebuilding your relationship with trust. That's what I've surmised from this. The questionnaire. Okay. But what do you think?

13:05I think, the thing is, I do trust people very quickly. And then I do then have doubts. Which I think you know. All too well. On a scale of 1 to 10, right now, how much do you trust me? 8. Do it more? Oh, just context on 8. Why have I been docked 2? Well, just because we're still quite early into the process a little bit. That's a good point. Yeah. Maybe at the end it'll be 10. I hope so. Yeah. The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence.

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15:17All right, let's get into it. What the bloody hell was going on in your head in that moment where you changed your mind on me? Right. There were a few things. Okay. What you have to understand is, you know, it's an absolute pressure cooker. And so your mind is slightly skewed with anyway. For some. So the big prefix to this is I was completely wrong, as we all know, as the nation knows. Because I knew obviously Jonathan was a traitor at that point. I was like, oh, hang on. Have you and Jonathan engineered this spat between the two of you? Is that how it came across? No, it didn't. You know what I mean?

15:59You two having a pop at each other. And you were quite instrumental in him going. But I sort of thought, well, yeah. But I sort of thought, well, maybe that's because you two have almost agreed. He knew he was fighting the firing line. He was like, why don't you come for me stronger? And it'll take heat off you. And so I, and I didn't think that over time when it happened. But then a few days after, a week after, I was like, oh, hang on, that would be quite good. And then everything becomes confirmation bias. Of course, the nail in the coffin was when you apologized to Kat, who I was so convinced was a traitor and was right.

16:33but I obviously misread your apology it's like oh I've got it which was why I didn't then I think get Alan out because at that point you were like it's Kat, Jo and it wouldn't be four and it wouldn't be four because it's 19 of us it wouldn't be four it's too many and statistically we hadn't got anybody out so it made sense that it's three and you made out you did make eyes you did that you kept on doing it Bo, Alan, Bo, Alan and I was like this is I am being played like a flute and I'm sorry I'm just now picturing myself playing you yeah like a flute yeah and how I would go about doing that well I'd have to have very good core strength which I did to stay that to stay to stay horizontal for that long yes and I would have to work on my arms of course which end would you I'm just trying to work out what end I would play would I play your feet and get them to you know like how you whistle between a small gap two pieces of grass like that would I get like a get a nicer yeah or would I just go with the mouth and what and push farts out no I would hope that you control that yeah there's other people that we know is she coming on she's back in there with Janet you're working with her at the moment yeah what is is that I'm filming this new HBO drama called War which is about two legal firms like that you're farting on this show as well that you're doing No, I haven't heard one.

18:02I mean, there might be some silent banness. I don't know. But like, no, no. Oh, God, I adore it. Was that a one-off, what we saw? I wouldn't say a one-off. What was the real state of play part was? We were all laying off wind. Let's not lie. We were being fed to the night. So much chicken. Yeah, there was a lot of wind, Jake. And even if it was me or Nick or Jonathan or someone else, because Celia had committed the first crime in the cabin, it was just concept, oh, Celia again. She actually did fart on the chessboard. Did she? She did. She went, oh, you're downwind, darling, get over it. Just the honesty, the absolute honesty.

18:45She was incredible, wasn't she? Brilliant. Did you love it? Oh, it was so good. We've actually had a message come in on this topic from a pixie aged four from Brighton. It should be on your work phone. if you want to just check not that one the one that works oh the real work phone yeah why did you punish my daddy into a bad person?

19:16right is that your kid? that is actually my daughter Pixie yeah that's so sweet just one more time yeah why did you punish why did you punish my daddy Is he a bird person? Yeah.

19:40Right, that was trust on the traitors. Got it. Now, this is trust in your identity. Right. Who is Nick Muhammad? Okay, you're an actor, comedian, magician, backstabber. how did you go from an expert in seismology science experts at all order but yeah you're an expert because i think seismology is working out the size of things sort of is size of earthquakes but yeah oh is it sort of yeah so i wasn't that wrong but anyway how do you go from seismology to comedy i was doing yeah i was doing this phd in seismology but i just didn't understand it i I mean, I was flummoxed by it. And I guess I would have stuck it out.

20:28But then I had just got into comedy and made some great friends. And I got an opportunity to go up to the Edinburgh Festival. And that meant I had to take some time off from my PhD. So I had to get permission to do that. And I just about granted it. Went up and was like, this is so much more me. I felt like I found my tribe, basically. Is that when you developed Mr. Swallow? Yeah. I mean, it was an impression of a school teacher I had from when I was like 15. but it was actually someone it was a real person yeah was he called Mr Swallow? she was called something else but I've never revealed her name but well that's why it's quite camp because I've started being her but it's not does she know it's her?

21:05I don't think she ever knew she's passed away now but like I don't think she ever knew um nomage but that's when I first started performing it as a as a character rather than just doing it in the playground at school does playing that character in your comedy like we're spoken about as a defence mechanism yeah for when it goes tits up completely so you could go, well, actually, it's not me that wasn't funny. It was Mr. Swallow. To a degree, but it makes me, I mean, I'm touching wood when I say this, but even touring now, people don't tend to heckle me because they're heckling a character. It's fictional.

21:37They can't heckle someone who's not real. They can't really heckle a fictional thing. So if someone does, I can just be like, well, what? I can just be completely flum, you know, I can sort of react sort of. I mean, not that I'd ever really be rude, even in characters from Swallow, But it does give me license to kind of say things or behave in a way that I would never behave. And I can sort of blame the character. Not that I've ever really had to take it that far, but it is definitely, you know, it's something to hide behind. Some would say you're in a purple patch. What does that mean? I think it means you've moved into an area of time in your career that is covered in purple.

22:19and purple is a colour that signifies is it a good thing? success oh yeah it's better than a brown patch oh yeah like Celia we can't say I was going to use me but you use Celia brown patch like my skids if you were in a bad point in your career we'd go you're in your skid patch but you're not you're in your purple patch isn't that right Jake? Yeah, Pearl Patch. It's a period of exceptional success, good luck and performance. I mean, just this whole business is luck, right? Is it? So, Ted Lasso, Slow Horses. Ted Lasso, a casting, was like, you know, I could easily have not got it. Slow Horses was also a casting.

23:04But you did get them. I did. You could have easily not got them, but you did get them. Yeah, but I think that when you are chosen to do, and like, don't get me wrong, I'm not sort of like suggesting that that was, I'm not trying to be deliberately self-defecating. Self-defecating. to go with your skid analogy. Because I know from having a small amount of experience casting stuff that I've written, that actually someone can be really, really good and right for a part, but actually they wouldn't work well with that other actor who you've already cast, or actually we've got someone who's tall and looks like them, actually we want someone who looks physically different.

23:37There are lots of other reasons why you might get a casting that are actually out of your control. And of course you have to do a good enough job to be considered for the role. Would you want to act, Joe? Do I want to act? You can act. Why'd your voice go a little bit? No, you'd be very good. You'd be great. What's this? Is this a set-up, is it? No, it's not. It's just a lot. Just chat. Have you had any offers through for acting work? Of acting? Yeah. No. Oh, okay. That's what you might do. But all I wanted to do when I was growing up was be an actor. Really? Yeah, and then didn't really pursue that.