Russell Howard confronts DEATH

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2:16How do you know he's masturbating over you? Welcome to a very different episode of Blue Planet.

2:24I don't think dogs have got vagina. Oh, yeah, they do. Yeah. Do the dogs have vaginas? Your stature as an academic doctor just plummets when you say, do dogs have vaginas? I'm not a vet, you ****. I'm a doctor of the mind. Are you ready to face death? Not really. I didn't think this would be the moment. If we've just got today, it's like, well, I might as well just do heroin. That was your first choice, was it? Yeah, I would do heroin and just be an absolute... Well, actually...

3:02Oh. Hi. Thank you for stopping by my office. Welcome. This is Joe Marler Will See You Now with me, Dr. Joe Marler. This is the show where I ask probing questions to celebrities and get to the bottom of what makes them tick. At times, people might get a little bit uncomfortable, but maybe, just maybe, I can help them too. With me, as always, is my lovely assistant, Jake. Jake, how are you? I'm really good. Wow. Yeah. That was such a, like a blue steel sexy look. Well, I'm in a sexy mood. Why are you in a sexy mood? It's another day in this office. This is another day with perfect vision of those glorious set of pins, which are forever in my eye line.

3:45And also, they get a lot of love online, I have been seeing. My pins? My eye line and online. Your legs get a lot of love online, yeah. And also, the bulge in the trailer as well, people seem to enjoy. The bulge? Yeah. I'll let you into a secret, Jake. Go on. What's that? Sorry. Marbles. They're dead. What? You got rid of them? Dead marbles. Dead marbles? What? No more? Oh, no, they're still in there. Yeah, but you don't want any... No, they did the old... They chopped and burnt me, didn't they? Really? Well, you chose to do it, right? What do you mean? Well, you're describing it like a sort of medieval torture tactic.

4:24Well, it fucking felt like it. Didn't put enough of the, you know, anesthetic in the left one. And then when he went to burn the next bit, I went, Oh, God! He went, are you all right? I went, no, don't think you put enough there. and they went, oh, I'm nearly done now. It's a vasectomy, right? Vasectomy, yeah. I just thought in case we were talking about different things. Cool. And it got even further along the way. And I was thinking vasectomy and you were like, no, I just really like getting my balls burnt. It's just a thing that I really get a kick out of.

4:53You can make good money on certain websites doing that. So I've heard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you had a vasectomy joke? Have I had a vasectomy? No, no, I'm not having enough sex for that to be an issue. No, I haven't. I haven't really had any sort of major medical operations procedures. What's the worst thing that's happened to your body? Tell you what, when I was about quite old, actually, 17. Oh, here we go. I just, I had excruciating pain in the right-hand side of my stomach. Excruciating. And my mum was like, this is not usual. Like, you are in a lot of pain. We think the appendix has burst.

5:33Yeah. and they take me in and they do their x-rays and it turns out trap wind. What? You're a trap wind? You're like my brother-in-law. Well, how am I like your brother-in-law? He went to... Is he not having a lot of sex?

5:55Who have we got on the show today, Jake? A comedian, a prolific podcaster. Used to be on the telly loads, doesn't even care about it anymore. He's doing all sorts of other stuff. Great. It's Russell Howard. Huge. Who you know. I do know. Yeah, my research has extended to the fact that you've been on his podcast. Yeah, five brilliant things. And was it brilliant? It was. He was really lovely, welcoming, made me feel at ease, comfortable. I was about to ask you, how do you think his podcast differs from this one? But I think you've answered that already. Yeah. But I think in life you need light and shade.

6:28Yeah. What sort of studio was his in? King's Cross. Spiritland. Yeah, nice. And ours is London Dungeons.

6:37And we do actually have out-of-work actors popping in as various scary characters. Yeah, we do. Remember that. Remember that for later. Trust me. Trust me. This isn't podcasting. This is art. There's structure. There's narrative arc. What's your approach going to be with his unwavering positivity? I want to see how legit that positivity is. Yeah, fair. Is it a front or is there actually some worries beneath that? You can't be happy all the time, can you? No, you can't. Are you happy all the time? No. Are you happy ever? Oh, I am when I'm doing this. And when I come in in the morning and see Janet, that always brings a smile to my face.

7:31I wonder how they're getting on. Oh, God, yeah. He's with her now, yeah. Oh, no, she was in a funny mood this morning as well. Well, yeah, I think there's a bit of a funny mood in the air, actually. Hi, Janet. Yeah, no, yeah, I'm all right. Can you... Yes, fine, thanks. Yeah, it's cleared up. Can you send Russell Howard in, please? Thank you. Goodbye.

7:57Hello. I'm glad to hear it's cleared up because Janet was showing me some pretty full-on photos. Oh, no. She needs to stop doing that. Yeah, I know. Straight away. Check this out. All right, Janet, have a sit down. Welcome, Russell. There's six of them. Hello. Thank you so much for coming in. You brought your own coffee. Well, Janet made it for me. Did she? Yeah. Well, I made the coffee for Janet because she was showing me the photo. and I thought let's both have a sit down and a drink to get through this. Did you put milk in it? Nope. It's good that she didn't put milk in because the only milk she's got is her breast milk.

8:34Okay. Have you ever felt tempted to try breast milk or have you ever? I'm more than happy to push a shit down a drain of a shower with my bare hands. Yeah. But if breast milk comes anywhere near me, I'm throwing up in your face. What a fantastic answer. But what I loved about that answer is that I just mentioned something that was fairly disgusting, and you just went to 100 straight away. And it was so specific, I think you might have done that. Yes, I have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a filler, aren't you? What do you mean I'm a filler? You feel silence. Oh, yeah, I do, yes. I also want to entertain you, because I like you.

9:21So I think one of my superpowers slash illnesses is that I am pretty good at making people like me if I want to like them. So do you not try and entertain people that you don't like? No. What do you do to people that you don't like? Just I'm quiet and then I'm aware that I'm not being what they want me to be. you told me about forcing shit down a drain, which to me means that you're willing to go to places that are beyond small talk. I said, would you try breast milk? And you weren't like, you hit me back with putting shit down a drain. So instantly I'm like, oh, this is a kindred spirit. I like you.

10:04I like you, man. And I think it's time that I introduce you to my friend, Jake. Oh, he's my assistant. Hello, Jake. Hi, Russell. Really nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, man. It's just a pleasure to see you guys bonding. It really is. Bonding over? Bonding over breast milk, bonding over... What a book that is. Bonding over breast milk. Yes. Tonight on Channel 5. Yeah, it's really lovely. Do you want to say that? No, it's my friend Jason, and we keep missing each other. Well, let's take it. Jason, this has to stop. I'm in the middle of a podcast with Joe Marler, and, yeah, I'll put you on speaker.

10:40And you called me yesterday when I was in the middle of a podcast with Gavin and Stacey. So your timing is ridiculous. I'm really, really sorry. Is it Jace or Jason? Do you want to... Jason? Yeah, I actually met Joe a few weeks ago. Oh, no. Oh, really? Yeah, Clash of the Comics. I was... He was stood by me when the show was going on and I came up and chatted to him about wrestling. Okay. How are you, Jace? You all right? Right, Jace, how are you doing? I'm good, man. I've got to say, it's a hell of a turn you did on Clash I know you were really nervous before but you were excellent and I was reminded this week I'm absolutely mortified because obviously we were trying to come up with who's going to appear to take out Acast and I was arguing for Mr Blobby and then someone said no no what about Joe Marler and I was like oh god Marler, Blobby and I'm obviously delighted we went with you but I just apologise that that was ever a debate really Jason, I cannot thank you enough for your input.

11:45I'll speak to you later. See you in a bit. You are blobby. You played rugby for your country. And now... What a fucking range. God, that's funny.

12:04Russell, we ask every guest to fill out our intake questionnaire. Okay. Let's begin. Okay. Full name? Russell Joseph Howard. Joseph? Like mine? Yeah, I always struggled with the spelling of it as a kid. I always struggled too. I used to say Joe Fish. It's hard, isn't it? It's kind of phonetically, it's a tricky one. Josophepe? Imagine if you were called Siobhan.

12:31Siobhan. Queave is a crazy one from Ireland as well, because it's spelt C-A-I-M-H. I thought Queave was another word for vagina. no it's queef that's queef and a queef is the noise a vagina makes when air comes out of it yeah yeah rapidly it's queef in America because they're polite whereas in England it's a fanny fart do dogs queef? I'll look it up I don't think dogs have got vagina oh yeah they do yeah do the dogs have vaginas? your stature as an academic doctor just plummets when you say do dogs have vaginas? I'm not a vet you twat I'm a doctor of the mind yeah exactly Dogs don't queef. Dogs don't queef?

13:11Well, that sounds like a challenge.

13:18Tonight on Brainiac, they say dogs don't queef. We're going to put that to the test. Welcome to a very different episode of Blue Planet.

13:31I can do whatever I want now, so I'm answering all the questions that you want. Number one. How many monkeys can I wank off in an hour? Seriously, though, how many do you think you could? Or me or him? Oh, like, I'd strike, I mean, you'd have... Attenborough, I think he's... He's got arthritis, surely. Nah. From it. I remember years ago, I was in Thailand, and I was having a shower, and I looked out the window, and there was a monkey in the forest masturbating over me, and... How did you know he was masturbating over you? Well, if that's, yeah, I mean, you're right. Did you ask him? He said, oi, mate, who are you wanking over?

14:06No, he was there. He appeared for three days. so like a three day wank he just kept every time I was there he would just appear and on the fourth day he wasn't there and I missed him did you find yourself like sort of showering a bit more sexually oh definitely yeah I played up to it I think that's probably why day four he was like I'm out do you know what I mean occupation occupation comedian star sign Aries biggest fear biggest fear I scared of death and I don't like dancing alright okay For two days. How do you relax? At the minute, I don't relax enough. I write comedy and I perform comedy Monday to Wednesday, and then Thursday to Sunday, I'm a parent.

14:49So you're basically always on. I feel like that, and it's kind of being a parent is way harder than being a comedian. And being a comedian is pretty tricky. Any hobbies? Football. I like playing football, watching football. So I have a season ticket with Liverpool. But for me, you were born in the South West area now. It baffles all my family, but the thing is, my dad, right, was born in Witteness. So that's near Liverpool. Fucking hell. Exactly. And then basically, he sort of went from that to like, so gradually speaking like that. Is he like a proper babber? My mum is. How come you're no babber?

15:24I don't know. I just, because we moved a lot with my dad's job. Yeah. So I'm quite lucky that I kind of, oh, that's horrible. I mean, I love the accent, but it's, you know, if you heard my cousins, my cousin Jake, and they live north Somerset. Who's the MP that looks like a ghost? Margaret Thatcher. Jacob Rees-Mogg. Jacob Rees-Mogg. So, Rees-Mogg was their MP randomly, because bits of Somerset are like longleat and proper posh and all that, and a lot of Somerset is like, fucking can you believe it? So, Jacob Rees-Mogg went to open the Wetherspoons in Radstock, and my cousin Jake was like, yeah, we went down there and out and called him a cunt and that.

16:03So they kind of popped down and got to come to that. He goes, we ended up staying, great night, but some bloke had his finger blit off. And it's like, it's that thing where you go, God, what a day. A bloke, a load of misfits rock up, and then some bloke has his finger blit off. That is so good. Do you consent to being analysed? Yes. By someone who is not a real doctor? Absolutely. Please, thank you. Sign there, please. Are you right-handed? Yeah, man. Did you know that? I didn't know that. I thought he'd be lefty. Okay. Right, from that opening questionnaire, what I think we need to work on today is that I want to help you understand and become more comfortable with your own mortality.

16:48You've mentioned a fear of death. Are you happy to proceed? More than happy. Well, let's get into it then, shall we? Mm-hmm.

17:00let's dig into the fear of dying now we've read quite a lot in his file haven't we jake yeah it's loaded with this this term biohacking yes biohacking yeah what the fuck's that i mean we live in a world of new words you know so it's kind of it's basically trying to live forever it's kind of what it means but it's called by in a similar way like overnight oats is just cold porridge. Do you know what I mean? I'm polyamorous. You're a shagat. But it's that thing of like trying to kind of maximize your time on earth so that you are you for as long as possible before you peg it rather than being, you know, a burden and dying slowly for the last 10 years of your life.

17:46It's trying to make sure that you are you for as long as you can be until you leave this the mortal coil. So I kind of like the idea of that. What sort of biohacking do you do? I went for a weird phase of like, you know, buying pills and potions and doing all this kind of stuff. And the funny thing being is that my wife is an actual doctor. What do you mean by the emphasis of actual in this context? But you're not selling me tablets online and I'm not buying those tablets and then trying to keep those tablets hidden from my wife who goes what are you taking now okay and then like she caught me wearing a wellness necklace once which was a real like and it was a wellness necklace but it was this thing that i wore and it was so funny so it was during it was during covid and there was this thing you could wear and if you press the button on it gave your body the same vibrational energy as if you'd drunk wine or smoked weed or eaten uh like cacao and it was this whole idea of like you don't need to go to the, you don't need to buy drinks at the pub.

18:53You just wear your fucking necklace and press the button. Yeah, I know. So, and it was like, it was, it was like a grand and a half. And I was like, that's a bit of me. Bump. And then you get it on and you, you know, and you're kind of like that. And your wife catches you and we're just talking instant regret where you're like, what's this? What are we dealing with here? And you're like, that's my necklace. She's like, what does it do?

19:17Sorry, was it getting tighter and tighter? Why are you doing that? You know that thing where you just, you can feel with every word you say, like the universe just pulling all the intelligence out of you as this kind of creature stands before you and you try and explain why you've done something. Jake, can you look up other methods of biohacking? Yeah, I've been having a look. So we've got a little list of biohacking techniques that the internet seem to love. I want to know if you've done them. And actually, Joe, as well, if you would consider doing these as well. So we'll go quick fire. Intimate and fasting.

19:54Yep. Worth doing? Yep, definitely worth doing. Yep. Helps your body basically, I think it's autophagy. So your body has time to deal with actual problems rather than constantly digesting food. Going vegan, cutting out all meat, all red meat. Well, the problem with that is a lot of people have tried it because you watch these documentaries that make you feel terrible. And it's like, this is how they make burgers. This is how we kill chickens. And then you try and go vegan. And you then realize that that's also, unless you just eat vegetables, bollocks. If you're eating like actual vegan meat, it's the worst thing you can do for you.

20:34So it's kind of, I don't know, you sort of come out the other side and just think if you eat proper food, it's kind of good for you. Final one. Maybe you know about this guy because you're into biohacking. This billionaire, Brian Johnson. He's a fucking lunatic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolute madness. What's Brian Johnson done? He is a billionaire who's now using all his money to basically... What I like about how Russell described it was it's about trying to be you for longer. This guy actually just wants to live forever. But the thing he's doing is injecting himself with the plasma from the blood of his son to keep him youthful.

21:07Yeah. What? Yeah, crazy. The problem with him is that it's sort of, if you look into his eyes, his eyes are so old and so sad. Yeah, they're so sad. So why does he want to live longer? If he's old and sad, just fucking... But he's terrified, clearly. Like, he is so frightened. There is a heaven in the future I can see where I'm at my son's wedding and I see my son's child and it's... It must be off the scale. I can't imagine what that feels like to see a grandchild. I know what it feels like to have a son, and that is overwhelming, and you feel bestowed with a happiness that you never thought you would get.

21:48So to get that must be a different level. So I want to be me so I can try and get there. He just wants to look hot. Yeah, yeah. And kind of so that people go, oh my God, you look like you're 30, and he's like, actually, I'm 75. So it just feels it's pointless vanity, and it's just vanity. rather than I want to be me for as long as possible to be with people I like rather than... Where does this fear of death come from? I think... Because we're all dying. Yeah, I think my dad's mum died when he was 17 and my cousin died when he was 18. So I was eight when that happened. Fucking hell. and I obviously knew the story of my mum and my dad.

22:37We were never really allowed to speak about it. So it was like those were these two and he was like the first boy of the cousins and there was a picture of him. He did a motorbike scrambling race just before he died and he had cancer and he completed this race and my granddad would point at this photo and he was like, that's bravery like you have never seen. He's the bravest boy I did ever see and it was like, it kind of makes me kind of choke up a bit because it was this point of pride and determination and sadness and I remember seeing all my relatives crying and my mum crying just suddenly going, oh God.

23:14So I think it sort of started then of like, flipping hell, my cousin's dead and my mum's dad died and he never speaks about it. And then at Christmas he goes away and he starts a fire and he's sad and we never see his sadness. So it always feels like it was kind of, it was around then I'd wake up in the dead of night and start punching walls because I was going to die, which I still do. Do you worry, though, that having that anxiety about death is going to stop you actually living? You know what I mean? If you're constantly worried about, oh, fuck, you forget to actually live and enjoy today. I know that old cliche, but we have only actually got today.