The Best of Joe Marler & Jake Bhardwaj’s Bromance

18:29Joe Marler:If you're who I think you are, you did very well indeed.

18:38Joe Marler:Well, congratulations. You did it. What for? The big one. Big, well, it's a Pepsi Max? No. You ever been on the Pepsi Max? What's a Pepsi Max? First time I used a C-bomb. Pepsi Max, the big one. The big one? Well, you brought it up. Yeah, I'm talking about a big achievement, but what are you talking about? The big one, the Pepsi Max at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Don't know what that is. What? Never been to Blackpool. Me and you are going out on the town and the town being Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Really? Yeah, I'll even ride you on a donkey. So you go to this massive ride, you go on it, and then what happens?

19:12You get off it. Yeah. That's how rides work.

19:16Joe Marler:Yeah, no, no, no. God forbid. It was crazy. God forbid I indulge your anecdote that you brought up. What? First time I ever said the C-bomb was on the Pepsi Max. Oh, tell me about it. Well, I went on it and then I said the C-bomb then. It's like trying to have a fucking like conversation with the caricature of a teenager. It's ridiculous. You brought it up. I'm saying well done on the big one. You brought it up. I'm saying it's about something else. The big one. The big achievement. What did you bring up? You are not now Joe Marley. You are BAFTA award winning Joe Marley. I'm not a BAFTA award-winning Joe Myer.

19:48Joe Marler:No, you're a BAFTA award-winning Joe Myer. Celebrity Traitors won a BAFTA this week. Yeah, well done them. Yeah, well done you, mate. It wasn't me. You fucking were. You were in it more than anyone else. I wasn't, yeah. You were in it loads. We're only doing this because you were in it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but it wasn't me, was it? Who was it then? The people that make it. I think congratulations anyway, and thank God it won the BAFTA, because that sort of gives us a little bit more legitimacy for doing this as well, doesn't it? Jake, it is a big week for you, isn't it, though? Final week of what?

20:25Joe Marler:Final week of Saturday Night Live UK. SNL UK. Yeah, I've been there every Saturday. I fucking love watching you on that, mate. Oh, thank you, mate. I've loved doing it. But nothing brings me more joy than spending time with you, brother. Is that true? Because I was actually at Television Centre the other day, wasn't I? And I text you to see if you're about. and it took you seven or eight hours to get back to me saying, yeah, I'm here, brother. Where you at? It's funny that you say that, isn't it? Because I remember actually asking you if you wanted to do something with me a while ago and I texted you, are we free on this date in June?

20:57Joe Marler:And you never got back. So what's worse, seven hours before you get back to a friend or never getting back to a friend? Let's put it to our lovely team. Guys, give me a cheer if you think it's worse to take seven hours to respond to a text Give me a cheer if you think it's worse just to never respond to a text They're not fucking cheering for anything Do you know what? I'm going to go to the new category Give me a cheer if you work on the show but don't engage in any sort of vocalised referendums Woo! Yeah, I think that's the worst one What the bloody hell's going on over here? Yes! Yes I think they're more interested to know I do love you, brother Who have actually got What did you say?

21:38Joe Marler:I said I do love you though, brother. In what way? I just feel like I've really, it's been a very special thing to do this, but also make probably one of my closest friends in the world in you. Yeah, no one was ready for that, were they? Wow. Fucking hell. You all right with that? Can you handle that? No. You can't? You can't handle that? No. All right, well, take it. Do what you can with it. I think it's okay to tell someone what you want from them and what I want from you is, I don't know, a little bit of affection, but that's okay. And on that note, I suppose, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

22:17Joe Marler:You don't come to this side of the office very often. Wow. Oh, wow. Wow. Do you know what? While I've got you here, on the subject of asking people what you want from them, we'd actually like you, the viewer and listener, to do something as well for us. And I think it's okay to ask what you want. we want you to help us grow this show by liking by subscribing yeah on YouTube on YouTube yeah and commenting because we've built at we'll see you now show we're doing something here guys we're building a community of friends we're doing something we really are doing something why don't you why don't you jump on the big one with us don't know is that too much I thought it was a good call back yeah it's good it's very good but I just wanted you to know that I took on board what you said it's kind of you I struggle with accepting that I struggle with any sort of does it look like I'm sat on his lap?

23:18does it? does it look like I'm a ventriloquist dummy? I've really enjoyed getting to know you

23:25Joe Marler:yeah I've enjoyed getting to know you but that's it and I find it really hard to give myself to people in the fear of being betrayed. I'll never betray you. And I want to believe that. Mm-hmm. But I do find it tough to actually do that. I can only prove that to you through what I do, not through what I say. And if that takes time, that takes time. Are you closing your eyes? Because I'm closing mine. Definitely. Okay. All right. Shall we do the guest bit? Let's do the guest bit. Okay, sure, alright.

24:08Joe Marler:We interrupt this episode to remind you that we are going on tour. Yes, Janet has been hard at work and organised not one, not two, not three, I don't have time for this, it's seven shows across the UK. Can't believe it. Seven? Seven. But where are we going? You can't even count to seven. I can. Look, I've got seven fingers. I know. Well, I don't know you saying I've got seven fingers sort of proves that you're mathematically gifted. Okay, right. We've worked the numbers out, but what about the destinations? Where are we going? Let me try and do it in one breath. We're going to Birmingham, York, Manchester, Bristol, Northampton, Brighton and London all this autumn.

24:41Look, Janet's put a lot of work into this tour and it would genuinely upset her if you didn't buy a ticket. That is, of course, me guilt-tripping you in buying the tickets, which is actually unkind. We want you to want to buy the tickets.

24:55Joe Marler:We want you to want to buy the tickets, but also we don't want you letting her down. She's been hard at work all year putting this tour together. I just don't want her in a bad mood because no one's come to the shows, OK? I mean, I already have to work with him. He gets quite in a bad mood a lot anyway. Tickets are on sale right now. Just find the link in the episode description. And who knows? You might even get to see a little more of Janet in the flesh than you bargained for. I don't think she's up... Is she up for that? Have we got clearance that she's all right with that? You've written that in.

25:23Yes.

25:25Joe Marler:So don't now backtrack from it. Unbelievable. Sure. I can't work like this.

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27:19Hello, Jake. Hello, Joe. Why are you still doing this? Please, please. I have some authority in this office. It's on this, doctor. That gives me automatic authority.

27:36Joe Marler:It's hard to have authority when you call it a office. A office. I didn't think you would pick up on that. It's the only thing I can do. Shit. Shut up. Why can't I say hello properly? No, you do. It's gorgeous. Hello. No, you're doing it, kid. I was watching Artemis II go to the dark side of the moon. Yeah, sure you were. Lose contact with Houston Control for 40 minutes. And I was thinking, what if they came back round victorious and just said, hello. Hello. Artemis II here. Joe, we went to the moon. Who? Mankind. Oh, we're all one now, aren't we? Oh, God, here we go. I thought we were all fucking separate and fighting this battle, fighting that battle.

28:19or everyone's fucking hating everyone.

28:21Joe Marler:But apparently when we go to the moon, we're all one. But don't say it sarcastically, because that in itself is the beautiful thing about something like this. People look at the world from the viewpoint of the moon, and they think, my gosh, why are we fighting? Yeah, I mean, if it was happening, that would be a lovely way to do it. Do you think it happened? No way. You don't think this Artemis II thing's happened? No, I think the news headlines are happening, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's to distract us from all the other shit. So do you think we ever landed on the moon? No. No, Joe!

28:53Joe Marler:Where's the proof? The burden of proof is with you believers. I just think because obviously they went and the proof, I guess, was the live broadcast. Oh, yeah. The people who went and then came back and said, look, we went. The thousands of people involved in the science and the project getting off the ground. You really think nothing happened then? Well how? They didn't even have a fucking iPhone back then.

29:28Authority! Authority! Authority!

29:33Joe Marler:You didn't mean to tell me that all those people were sat in the NASA office. So yeah, how are we going to get them to the moon? Oh God. Would you go? Would you go in the space shuttle? Would you fit?

29:54Joe Marler:I, over the weekend, found out about a little psychological trick that apparently tells you a little bit about yourself. I'm intrigued. I'm intrigued as to whether I already know this trick because of the plethora of knowledge that I have. Yeah, of course, of course. I just thought as a doctor, you might want this in your arsenal. Okay, so close your eyes. I want you to picture yourself in a approaching a wooded area as you go into the wooded area I then want you to figure out is there a path or is there not a path you then come to a body of water what as in up to you brother up to you what it's a body full of water a body of water no one in the history of people saying the phrase body of water no one has ever thought it's someone who is just a body there bloated with too much water in them.

30:46Yes, but that could be an accurate description of a body because we are 75 % water. Well, do you know what?

30:55Joe Marler:This is interesting, actually, because I think it could still work. Imagine what your body of water is. It could be a puddle to a river, whatever it is. Is it flowing? Is it not? I then want you, finally, to come past the body of water and then you come to see and you see a bear. So I've stepped over the body. and I see this grizzly bear. Yeah. And I want you to notice how this bear makes you feel and how you get past it. Do you run? Do you fight it? Do you sneak? What is it? Okay. All right. Take a deep breath. Yeah. And open your eyes, my friend. Wow. Are you feeling good? Do you feel sort of back in the room?

31:34Joe Marler:Now, each of these decisions... I never left the room. Each of the decisions you made have an impact on what you are as a person. So let's start. Was there a path? There was a couple of like fox, they used to call them foxholes. Oh. They dig out. See, this is interesting. Whether there's a path or not and how strict the path is is how much you see yourself as having someone who plans out their entire life, who has a set path of how they want to get there. But it feels like, because you've got these little foxholes here and there, you've got general checkpoints of things you might want to get to in your life.

32:10Joe Marler:but you're not set on it. You're not set on it at all. Do you relate to that? Wow. Do you relate to that at all? What have you done? What have you done? What have you done? Next, body of water. Describe for me the body of water. Well, it was missing a leg.

32:29It was a mix of blood and water, to be honest with you. Right. And I checked to see if they were still with us, but they hadn't. Do you know what that represents? Go on. Sex life. Right. Makes sense, actually, quite accurate.

32:42Joe Marler:And then finally, the bear. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Do you know what happened with the bear? Please tell me. Stabbed in his left eye, kicks it in his dick. Fucking hell. Yeah, well, it was dog eat dog. Mate. Bear eat bear. The bear represents problems in life. Oh. So the fact is, you can attack him head on. Very, very interesting, Joe. I've learned a lot about you there. Do you know what's interesting for me? Yeah. I'm meant to be the psych in this. Sure. I'm meant to be the one that knows it all. I've never heard of that exercise before. Really? And honestly, you've really opened me up to the fact that there's no need for me to have heard that before because it's completely and utterly useless.

33:23It's quite shit, isn't it? Yeah.

33:29Joe Marler:Jake. Yes. Have you heard of a little something? Oh, my God. Oh my God, there's been a massive accident. Janet's fallen over behind the set. Janet, you okay? I don't know if anyone heard, for the audio listener, well, to be honest with you, the audio listener's the one actually at an advantage here. There was a massive thud. Janet, pick up. Should we check on her? Yeah, you go, mate. I've got to prep the session. Let me see what's happened. I've got to prep today. Oh my God. Oh my God. What? She's absolutely trashed the place. What? I have no idea what's happened. What do you mean? She's trashed the place.

34:08Joe Marler:No, show me. In a fit of rage. Where, where's she? Oh my God. Janet. It's everywhere. She's done her honour as well. What the fuck is that about? She's left in an absolute state. I didn't know you could get, where's all the cream come from? Oh my fuck. That is whipped cream everywhere. Everywhere. I think that's intentional, isn't it? Whatever's happened is intentional. There's nothing, There's no such thing as non-intentional stuff. Let's examine that. So, what's an accident then? There's no such thing. What do you mean? You've never done anything by accident? I what? What about your hair today?

34:45Joe Marler:Was that intentional? Yeah. It's a lovely sort of smart brush over. Yeah, I'm trying to, I've told you, I'm trying a new vibe. Are you worried? No. We get to do this for what reason? All of this exists for what reason? You were very good on The Traitors. Oh, I see. The Traitors is back. It's being filmed as we speak. Is somebody else going to be the new Joe Marla? I don't know. That's what you mean by worried? Maybe. Would it be Romesh Yusina? Will Romesh get to have a podcast? Who knows? He already's got like 10. That was a bit of a joke. Oh.

35:30it's funny that you bring that up Jake because on the day it was announced the Saturday oh yeah I was actually at Chessington World of Adventures with Nick Muhammad so it was nice to spend the day with him yeah but we were both like oh wow look at this car and both a bit like oh a bit sad oh you want to be back there oh FOMO yeah oh shall we do it all again and then we were like No, I wouldn't want to do it all again. I'm grateful that we got the opportunity to do it. And then even more grateful I got to milk everything.

36:05Joe Marler:Yeah. Off the back of it. And old Jake got a taste as well. Why not? Who do we think's going to go well in there? A friend of mine is in there. Oh, who's your friend? Joe Lycett. Oh, how do you think Joe will do? I think that everyone is going to be so suspicious of him because he's known for doing these big stunts and like pulling the wool over people's eyes and, you know, a little bit of... That was Nico's downfall. Yeah. He's got that knee Nico thing. Yeah, definitely. So I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Who's going to be the farter? That's what we need to know. Good. Who's going to be the farter?

36:46Joe Marler:Oh! Oh!

36:52Joe Marler:Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.

37:02It's so wet. No! No! They're so wet! They're so wet! Ooh. Well, I look forward to seeing how all pans out. See you!

37:20Joe Marler:I look forward to getting some fucking air.

37:26Joe Marler:Are we going to address the elephant in the room? I would like to because what happened this week does not happen to anyone I would say ever let alone twice in one night. Are you okay? Sorry to... I still think you set it up somehow. No, I didn't set it up. You don't set something like that up. I wouldn't have the foresight or the ability the practical ability to set something like that up. It was like being in This Is Your Life or surprise, surprise. We did a chat at Spotify. Lovely people at Spotify. And then we get brought onto the stage. We're doing our thing. And then Ryan, the lovely host, goes, oh, Jake, I think you might know someone in the audience.

38:07Joe Marler:It's Mark from school. And I'm thinking, Mark from school's here. Mark's there. I've not seen him for like 10, 15 years. He's there in the audience. Me and Mark used to be in a band together. Oh, this is unbelievable. We used to be in a band called... And the band was called... The band was called Ready Salted, and then we changed it to... Why? That's like... It's such a shit name. It is a shit name. Like, you're expecting... You're just telling people we're shit. We're plain, we're bland, we're ready salted. We just wanted something that didn't start with the, and the only thing we could think of was packets of crisps.

38:42Joe Marler:I don't know why. But then we changed it to The Morning After. and I would stress none of us had had sex at that point but we thought if we call ourselves the morning after people might think maybe these guys have had a few wild nights it would be many many years until that happened for either I don't know about Mark I'm sure he's got a very fruitful sex life does he look very different to what you he looks like he's been doing some shagging but then Uno reverse and then who starts talking to you it's always dangerous isn't it when you throw it to the audience for questions. I said, does anyone in the audience have a question?

39:21First person put his hand up. Well, this is, it's not so much a question, but how's your garden? What? What's going on? Well, I used to be a gardener. I was like, what? What? What? How is this happening? My gardener was in the audience. We haven't had a gardener for years. I was like, oh my God. and he went, how's your garden? I went, this is wild.

39:47Joe Marler:Quite threatening in a way, isn't it? Yeah. How's your garden keeping? Might want to get a gardener back in maybe. And then it was like, oh, I was nice. I was all right. I was nice. Well, you sort of panicked a little bit because you had two gardeners in mind. One that you used to have, but then I had to get rid of because they were too expensive. And then the new one, you're like, are they the new one or the old one? And I'm sorry. What really got me was, what really got me was you said oh was I nice to you and he said oh you made me a cup of tea whole audience round of applause and I'm thinking what he's done the bare fucking minimum he's made him one cup of tea and he's got Spotify on their feet what a bloody guy we need to this is a men's this is a men's mental health podcast at times isn't it so I'm going to use it as an opportunity to say men do better one cup of tea and then fired and he's getting a round of applause

40:41Hello. Hi, mate.

40:42Joe Marler:Hello, you all right? What's that face? Well, it's the face. I mean, this is Joe Marlow will see you now. Yes, it is. This is Joe Marlow will see you now. It feels like it's old MacDonald will see you now. I don't know. This is a new look, isn't it? I don't know what's going on. For the benefit of the audio listener, there is something quite visually new here today, isn't there? Joe is wearing a flat cap. What's the issue with my hat? No issue. It's just why? Well, the face from you suggests there's an issue with my hat. It was a face of why. Why not is my riposte. Okay, and my riposte to you, having just learnt the word after you saying it first, is for the last however many episodes, you've never worn one.

41:27Joe Marler:You've looked delectable. You've matched the wonderful skeleton in the corner. Skeletal. We've laughed. The thing is, we've been through a big... I've stayed looking like Asian Mr Bean for the whole fucking thing. Yeah, and you do it so well. Thank you so much. Honestly. We've done so many episodes. Why the change of outfit? It's not bad. I'm just interested. The short of it is I want to wear a fucking hat. Because? I like hats. And you particularly like one today because? Because our guest is actually well known for their hair. Yeah. And I didn't want there to be some sort of hair off or intimidating of the hair.

42:08Are you having a bad hair day? Yeah.

42:15Joe Marler:Joe, tell me, what's your love language? Do you know the love languages? Don't question me on that. You can question me on horticulture all you want. Because I know fuck all. You cannot question me on love language. We've got gifts. Yeah. That's the one for arseholes, isn't it? Yeah. it's just too easy that's not love is it unless the gift is my body your body wow no I need unless the gift is darling tonight I'm giving you the gift of my body yeah but clarify for me do you mean your body as in if I say my love language is gifting and then I say to Daisy, I say, Daisy, the gift I'm giving to you tonight is Jake's body.

43:14Is that what you're meaning? If you're not up for it, me and Jake are still going to crack on. You can use his cook chair. I think it's cuck chair. Cuck chair.

43:26Joe Marler:Not my cook chair. I'm not here making a pavlova. Well, I just thought I'd get something after. It's going to be peckish, aren't we? It's so confusing for me though, Jake, because there's a town called Cookfield near me and it's spelt C-U-C-K and it's pronounced Cookfield. You don't say Cuckfield. So that's why I'm confused. I'm just imagining you now as a farmer of cucks being like, all right guys, away now, away, away, back, down, down, down.

44:00Joe Marler:Generally, are you a sort of glass half full kind of guy? The opposite to that. The glass is empty. Really? Yeah, there's it on the floor. Oh, wow, horrible. Glasses smashed. I thought you were just like an eternal optimist. Really? Yeah, I really do. I thought you give off this sort of thing of, oh, bloody hell, Joe Marla's about, but actually you're quite a positive person. Sorry, I give off a thing that puts on an Australian accent. Oh, bloody hell, Joe Marla's about. I don't know why. You don't give off that. I don't know what that is. But I think you are a positive person. No, I go with the mantra of don't trust anyone, expect the worst, and you'll always be pleasantly surprised.

44:45That's a really good way to look at it. You know? What about you? You're a shining light of joy and happiness, aren't you? You're like Zebedee, bouncing off the walls. Who's Zebedee? Pardon? Who's Zebedee?

44:59Joe Marler:Zebedee? Zebedee. Who is that? Well, you're the research assistant. Zebedee, yeah, which basically means I'm the one with the laptop. Zebedee was a first century Galilean fisherman known primarily from the New Testament as the husband of Salome and father of apostles James and John. I am a bit like that. I am a bit like that, actually. Appearing in all four Gospels, tick. Operating a fishing business with his sons, tick. And his name derived from the Hebrew Zebediah, meaning gift of Jehovah. Yeah, I suppose I am in a lot of ways. I think that's the wrong Zebedee. Oh, right. What was the Zebedee you were thinking of?

45:34Joe Marler:I think Zebedee is a character from the 80s. Right. So Zebedee is a beloved magical Jack-in-the-box character from the 1960s British television show The Magic Roundabout. What's his personality like, Zebedee? In this day and age, he'd be described as someone that's probably addicted to Red Bull. Oh, okay. You know, just live wire. In them days, mentalist. Yeah, and all bouncy, like, I don't know, but also there's a little bit of him that's scary. Wow. Because you never know when he's going to pop up. Mate, that's what I would describe you as. Bang! Why? Hello? Zebedee's here. That's what can happen.

46:08But then after that initial shock, you're there like, oh, this is so fun. He's got such great energy. And that's how I feel about you.

46:16Joe Marler:I really feel you just subscribed to yourself. I really, really do believe that.

46:25Joe Marler:I was in a pub the other day and I was being served by someone. So I'm... Hands up. this is a full disclosure, I'm 32 years old. And someone serving me, she was about 29. And she said, oh, mate, I might recognize you. And I was like, you're joking. This is crazy, right? Really? And she's like, yeah, I think I recognize you. Her colleague comes over. How old was she? She must have been about 40, 45. Okay. And she's listening in. And then the person who served me finally goes, yes, that Joe Marla podcast. And the woman who's listening in goes, I'm so glad you said that. I thought you were going to say hinge.

47:04Joe Marler:I was going to say he's far too old for you.

47:10Joe Marler:In earshot. Not in earshot, in eyeshot as well. What's this hinge you talk about? Hinge. I don't know why you've gone to your Lord of the Rings character. What is this hinge you talk about? Okay. What's this hinge you talk about? Oh, you don't want to get involved, Joe. You don't want to get involved with all that. But yeah, it makes you think about getting older. and obviously we also, we've got a birthday in the office as well. Yes, we do. Yes, we do. Janet's birthday, everybody. Janet's birthday, everybody. Round and round of applause for Janet's birthday. Why have we not invited Janet in? It seems weird that it's Janet's birthday, but she's not allowed in the studio to record and be part of it at all.

47:46She's got work to do, mate.

47:47Joe Marler:She's got work to do. She's got work to do. I mean, we have one client every week and she's got to make sure they're booked in. That's a five-day-a-week job, isn't it? What did you get Janet for a birthday? Huh? What did you get Janet for a birthday? What she's always asked me for. a foot spa. I don't know if you've seen her fit, but they have been giving her problems. Yes. Bunions. Bunions. Bunions. Ingrown toenails. Yes, ingrown toenails, bunions. Just on that, do you like ingrown toenails?

48:16Maybe this is... No, no, no, no, no, no.

48:18Joe Marler:Sorry. This is it. Let's look into this. Maybe this is a bit of an overshare. Go on. What do you mean, do I like them? I love getting ingrown toenails. Really? Yeah, love them. Are they not painful? Yeah, agony. Yeah. But I really enjoy the whole process of then, you know, becoming... You know how I like pretending to be a doctor? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get, like, my little kit out, like a little mini scalpel and all that lot. And I watch videos on it and then I do the thing. And you like the pain? Yeah, and I do it in a way where I actually remove the ingrown toenail. Someone just vom over there.

48:53I remove it perfectly but in a way that doesn't that doesn't mean it won't happen again

49:00Joe Marler:and you are doing therapy as well aren't you? rather than just pretending to be a therapist you are you're sort of also working on some of your own issues was that too much of an overshare? not at all is that weird? perfect level of overshare I just didn't expect I didn't expect it at all so what you're saying is you don't like ingrown toenails? no I don't I mean I don't want to show off but I don't think I've ever had an ingrown toenail what? Never had an ingrained toenail. You haven't lived. You have not lived, mate. What is a sort of pain that you quite like? For example, I quite like, if I was to, I don't do it often, but there's something quite eye-wateringly nice about picking a nose hair out.

49:39Joe Marler:Definitely. Really, really nice. I do it often. Do you really? Often. Because it helps induce a sneeze with me as well, which, as we know, is an eighth of an orgasm. So, if you're not getting a lot, you can with a nose pull. Yeah. Did you say morgasm? You did, didn't you? What did I say? I think you said, I think it's an eighth of a morgasm. Yes. Morgasms over here, please! Get them in!

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