Tom Allen: Perfectionism, Custard Guts and a Leaf Blower TO THE FACE

10:16Tom Allen:Indeterminate anything for money.

10:21Tom Allen:Star sign. Gemini.

10:23Joe Marler:If you were an animal,

10:25Tom Allen:what animal would you be? Well, I like dogs, but I think I'm more like a cat, really. Go figure. Aloof. No, a cat.

10:40Tom Allen:I really like you.

10:42Joe Marler:I really like you a lot. I'm enjoying this already. Okay, great. Good. Next question. Spirit cake. What sort of cake would you be if you were a cake in a spirit form?

10:54Tom Allen:A mille fouille. Ooh, a little flaky pastry thing. Indeed, with custard between.

11:00Joe Marler:What is flaky pastry of you?

11:04Tom Allen:I think it's the crispiness, the crisp between the smooth. What's custardy about you, though? Well, I think I like that unctuous, soothing side of custard. It reminds me of calm Sunday afternoons, and I think there is a part of me that is longing for that.

11:26Joe Marler:Would that be vanilla pod involved with this custard, or is it like a traditional tin ambrosia?

11:33Tom Allen:I think the traditional one might be the vanilla pod one, but the, I think, the Vanillapod one, obviously.

11:41Joe Marler:We're from different sides of the track, clearly, Tom.

11:44Tom Allen:Well, indeed.

11:45Joe Marler:Biggest pet peeve?

11:47Tom Allen:At the moment, Americanisms. For example, Gen Z. Gen Z? Can't bear it. Why is that American? Because we don't say Z, do we? What's the end of the alphabet?

11:59Joe Marler:A, B, C, Z.

12:00Tom Allen:No, don't do the whole.

12:03Joe Marler:Yeah, but I don't get the rhythm. So if I start at N, N-O-P. You know what the last letter is, don't you? W, X, Y, and Z. Zed. But it doesn't go with the rhyme.

12:17Tom Allen:Well, it's not a rhyme, is it? It's a series of letters.

12:19Joe Marler:It does if you sing it.

12:20Tom Allen:Well, it's not designed to be sung.

12:22Joe Marler:What's the worst thing you've ever done?

12:26Tom Allen:I stole a book from the school choir. It was a requiem. I picked up somebody else's by mistake. And then when they asked if anyone had picked it up by mistake, I realised I had two, but I was too embarrassed to say it. And it went on and on.

12:43Joe Marler:That's the worst thing you've ever done.

12:45Tom Allen:Oh, well, I've killed, of course, but you don't want to know about that today.

12:50Joe Marler:Have you ever been arrested?

12:52Tom Allen:No.

12:52Joe Marler:Never?

12:53Tom Allen:No, have you? Yeah. Have you? Yeah. What did you do? A fry. Why? Why didn't you just sew it up? No way.

13:05Joe Marler:Do you consent to being analysed by someone who's not a real doctor?

13:11Tom Allen:Absolutely. I'm up for anything. Anything? Pretty much. That's dangerous, isn't it? Well, but you don't want to have the life half-lived, do you? You know.

13:22Joe Marler:No, I don't know. Well, you don't want to miss out. Do you know you're missing out?

13:27Tom Allen:That's a good question.

13:33Joe Marler:Tom, you are polished. Thank you. You are elegant. Oh, that's kind. And controlled.

13:39Tom Allen:Well, most of the time, I suppose. You appear to me as the closest thing to perfection. Oh, what a generous thing to say, Joe. Well, that's a very flattering statement.

13:51Joe Marler:Both in the way you look and the way you live. You're a bit of a perfectionist.

13:54Tom Allen:Well, that's kind of you to say, but I don't know if it's completely true I have to say, because I do feel like I'm not completely perfect, particularly in my physique. Gosh. What's not perfect about your physique? Oh, I'm carrying a bit of timber around my middle.

14:07Joe Marler:The custard gut.

14:08Tom Allen:Yes. That's what it is. I dine almost exclusively on custard.

14:12Joe Marler:Deep down, the theme I'm sensing is that you're terrified of imperfection.

14:17Tom Allen:Oh, Joe, what an insightful thing to say. Yes, I think I am, actually. Yes. You agree with me, Jack?

14:21Joe Marler:Totally. And I thought you were very tactful when you said custard gut. I thought it was really nice. It's the tact that only a qualified doctor would have.

14:28Tom Allen:Yeah, yeah. The custard gut. Probably be more helpful if doctors did speak like that. Lord knows they don't have enough time. You're eating too much custard. Just stop.

14:39Joe Marler:Today my mission is simple. I want to help you embrace the messy, chaotic, human side of things and I want you to release your inner imperfect Tom.

14:52Tom Allen:I do cling to that sense of perfection. I think it's that sense of, you know, not wanting to leave life with regrets.

15:00Joe Marler:You don't want to, you know, lead a half-life lived?

15:03Tom Allen:I don't want to live the life half-lived. We nearly had a sentence then.

15:12Joe Marler:You present to the world as a perfect, flawless, immaculate man.

15:20Tom Allen:Hmm, well, I don't know if other people would say that. I mean, gosh.

15:23Joe Marler:But is that really you?

15:25Tom Allen:Well, I think, no, I think I do like to hold myself to certain standards. For example, if I'm doing dinner, I like it to be a certain way. It doesn't matter how it tastes, but it has to look a certain way. I like to cook with particular implements and bowls and things.

15:37Joe Marler:Did you say with dinner, it doesn't matter how it tastes?

15:41Tom Allen:Well, it does matter a bit how it tastes, but I would always prioritise the look and the sort of ambience of the meal.

15:48Joe Marler:Why? Surely the point of food is the flavour and the actual sustenance? Sustenance, yeah. That's not the right word.

15:58Tom Allen:I think that's true. I think that's quite right. Is that the perfect word? Gosh, look at this being a perfectionist now. Oh. Catching, isn't it?

16:05Joe Marler:It does feel like Tom's office suddenly. It's my name on the plaque. Yeah, and that's the only thing indicating it's your office, really.

16:14Tom Allen:That is the thing with these partners' desks, isn't it? They do look...

16:16Joe Marler:It's the swing back on the chair and the... Yeah. Are you interested in perfection? In all seriousness, is it a defence mechanism? Is it like a bit of a persona that you put on?

16:28Tom Allen:I suppose it is. I think I've always felt safer being the kind of personality that I am. Do you know what I mean? I've always felt safer being kind of the version of myself that I suppose I can control. Yes, that's true. I think if I was completely myself, I would feel a bit vulnerable then. I think I'd feel a bit sort of, I don't know. Yes, it's a good question. I think maybe I didn't feel particularly inclined to be like that. and I'd much preferred to be, as I say, funny when I was younger.

16:57Joe Marler:Because you're from Bromley, aren't you?

16:58Tom Allen:Yes, that isn't a joke.

17:00Joe Marler:What would be a joke about being from Bromley?

17:02Tom Allen:No, just that I'm from Bromley.

17:03Joe Marler:Oh, which confuses me because, you know, you don't sound like someone from Bromley.

17:09Tom Allen:Well, that's the thing and I never sounded like the people around me. So I always had this posh voice but I wasn't from a posh family.

17:15Joe Marler:You were born with that voice?

17:17Tom Allen:Yes. Imagine the curse that it is. In this age, when everyone's trying to be so egalitarian and so inclusive, I come out talking like, you know, Noel Coward. And then, you know, who wants to hear that? Nobody. And at school, people couldn't really understand me. And people, particularly at secondary school, would be like, why? Why did you talk like that? Because I went to a comprehensive school. You know, ironically, I was the one who was easiest to comprehend because of my clear speaking voice.

17:47Tom Allen:So, yeah, so I always had this thing and people always sort of sensed that I was different, I think, when I was younger. And I guess I had the option to sort of go in their direction and be like them. But something about me made me kind of slightly belligerent and stay different. And you said you were born talking like this.

18:04Joe Marler:Were you born in a suit as well? Because I've not seen you in anything else.

18:08Tom Allen:Well, I do sometimes wear cash clothes. Yesterday I wore an hoodie. What? An hoodie? I'm trying to bring back the N before the H. Like, for example, in an hotel. An hotel or an historian. Because saying a hotel means you have to take in a small breath before you say hotel. Whereas an hotel runs much smoother, which is how people used to speak.

18:34Joe Marler:When are you bringing it back from?

18:35Tom Allen:From the pre-1955.

18:39Joe Marler:It's grammatically incorrect. You don't say, I'm going to an hotel.

18:43Tom Allen:You do. What? Yeah, traditionally, yeah.

18:46Joe Marler:I'm sitting in an chair. No, it's only with eight words. Only when it begins with an H. We nearly nailed the alphabet earlier. Let's try and put it into practice now, Joe. All right. Okay, after this, I'm going to head back to Anne Home.

19:04Tom Allen:You wouldn't say a home, would you, unless you were... It's your home, yeah.

19:06Joe Marler:Your home.

19:08Tom Allen:Yeah, but you don't know it's my home. Anne Hostel. Anne Hostel sounds like a drag queen.

19:17Tom Allen:Is that real? It's Anne... Anne Hotel. Oh, Anne Historian are the ones I always think of.

19:22Joe Marler:We're going to take Anne holistic approach to Tom's treatment today.

19:25Tom Allen:Thank you. Thank you, Jay. I'm an outsider in all of this because I am from a very normal family. My dad was a coach driver. My mum was a receptionist. That's what I was talking to Janet about. So he was an Anne coach driver. He was an Anne coach driver. That's correct, yes.

19:37Joe Marler:Your mum was an Anne receptionist. An Anne receptionist.

19:40Tom Allen:And they lived next door to someone called Anne, actually. And she's not called Anne. She's called Anne.

19:45Joe Marler:No, your mum's not called Anne.

19:46Tom Allen:No, she's called Irene.

19:48Joe Marler:Oh.

19:48Tom Allen:Come on. No, that's Eileen.

19:51Joe Marler:That's not.

20:06Joe Marler:So you do occasionally wear Anne hoodie. But more often than not, you wear a suit. What does wearing a suit make you feel?

20:15Tom Allen:Well, it's funny you ask, because I think I've always enjoyed the costume. my dad would always say clothes aren't about how they make you look they're about how they make you feel and I think for me I always feel when I'm wearing a suit like I'm a grown-up like I'm like I've got a proper job like I've got a purpose and I think as well as a child I never felt comfortable being a child I always felt like I was an adult I always felt like I was about 46 and now I'm approaching my mid-40s I'm thinking actually I'm more like an 85 year old woman that's by the by but so I think even as a child I felt like I was that something had gone wrong in the universe and I was not a child, I was a grown up and I was in the wrong place and I was being made to do all these classes and PE and things like that and I really didn't want to do it and I didn't like being bossed around as you have to be at school I wanted to be an adult and I think wearing a suit epitomised that for me and that's probably why I wear them now do you want to pop that in your notes?

21:11Joe Marler:what about other suits ever tried on a suit of armour?

21:14Tom Allen:No, I haven't actually.

21:16Joe Marler:But you're the suit man.

21:18Tom Allen:I know that should be a suit that I would wear. I think I'd look like I was going on one of those Tommy Robinson marches though.

21:24Joe Marler:I was about to say, Joe, I bet you've worn a suit of armour. No, but not related. Unrelated. Yeah, not a fucking Tommy Robinson march. I was going to say, before that, before that. Yeah. I used to work for a company called Hands On History.

21:37Tom Allen:Oh, did you? Really? I'm kind of fascinated by the world of historical reenactments.

21:43Joe Marler:Yeah, I was in hands-on history.

21:47Tom Allen:Great usage.

21:48Joe Marler:Thank you. Thank you. I think I only did two shifts, and one of which I got to dress up as a knight. Wow. Full armour, chainmail, and I had to pose for a picture with the mayor of, I think it might have been Kent, because it was at Hever Castle.

22:08Tom Allen:Oh, I love Heva Castle.

22:10Joe Marler:Heva Castle.

22:10Tom Allen:Where Anne Boleyn was born.

22:12Joe Marler:Married, Beheaded, Avoid.

22:14Tom Allen:She was the second one.

22:15Joe Marler:You've mixed up Snog, Marry, Avoid with Divorce, Beheaded, Died.

22:23Tom Allen:So much pain would have been saved if you just played Snog, Marry, Avoid

22:26Joe Marler:rather than Divorce, Beheaded, Died. Oh, the Reformation wouldn't have had to go through so bloodily. It would have just been a fun game.

22:36Joe Marler:so what was she she was the second one she was beheaded oh yeah because she could not produce an air but yeah I had to put on this armour and then they said oh can we go up to the top of the turret for the picture with the mare what so I started and it's quite heavy like the chainmail was like 30 kilos as it was

22:55Tom Allen:oh heavens

22:55Joe Marler:and I'm actually claustrophobic but I think it was induced by this moment because I couldn't take any of the armour off myself so I'm like out of breath going up these stairs oh bless you and then halfway up I'm just having a panic attack because I can't get it all off really quick Joe yeah I'm not surprised and then they're like what's taking you so long and I was like fuck off I've got the sword you know really sort of got into character so you calmed the situation

23:18Tom Allen:yeah in the moment in the short way possible as well in the short way possible

23:23Joe Marler:and I got yeah I got up there and had the photo oh you got up oh wow that's very impressive never worn armour again

23:28Tom Allen:that would put you off

23:34Joe Marler:Right, before we go any further, I'd love to say a quick thank you to the sponsor of this week's episode, Giacomo. Whatever look you're into, they've got all sorts of top brands to choose from. A bit like you. Oh, sorry. I was just going to say, well, you're a bit of a brand yourself, aren't you? What do you mean? You've got a very distinct look. Today, it's sort of farmer chic. Farmer chic? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Plus size, picky blinders. That's my brand. Today it is, because, I mean, for those who can't see what's going on, Joe is wearing a hat. It's the talk of the town. It really has been the talk of the office today.

24:08Joe Marler:We spend so much time with each other that him changing one little bit of his appearance is like, well, I've got to talk about that now. At school, when you're spending the same time with the same people every single day, someone comes with a haircut. Haircut? That's something that's different. I'm going to rinse you now for that for the rest of the day. I remember at school, I had a pair of gold Adidas retro trainers but I'd bought them from the charity shop and I was out with some mates one time, we were sitting on the swings I remember this vividly and one of the girls looked down at my feet as I was sitting there swinging and she went, why have you got a sticker of 395 on the side of your trainer?

24:45Joe Marler:I went, what? Oh mate Looked down and it was the price that I'd paid for Oh no Did you get that from a charity shop? And I went, yeah Oh, God. Just melted. So it's stuff like that that you go, hang on, I need to find something that I'm comfortable in. Yeah, rather than just trying to... This is a bit of me. I had, on the first non-uniform day in year seven, I had a T-shirt on and it was a skeleton riding a bike and it said, bone shaker. And I remember a girl in the class was like, my five-year-old brother's got that T-shirt. And I was mortified. You didn't have the confidence at the time to say, hey, your five-year-old brother's really cool.

25:28Joe Marler:To be honest with you, 32 years old, I wouldn't have thought of that. That's a brilliant comeback. Wish I'd said something like that. But instead, I just sort of carried away and thought, right, I need to find my own style now. If only we had Giacomo back then, in those early days where we were finding our feet with what our style is. They've got the styles, they've got the sizes. They've got sizes up to 5XL. No. How many XL are you? It depends. You've got a few X's going on in there. It depends what day it is and what time of day it is. In the morning, I could get away with like a 2XL. In the evening, it pushes to a 3, maybe sometimes a 4 on trousers and shorts.

26:03Joe Marler:You can add extra Xs over the course of a day. Yeah. But if each of those represent one size change, that would suggest that someone could go from a small to a large in one day. That would never happen. Okay. Well, you're not a believer. No, I'm not. I'm a believer in Giacomo, though. Yeah. The sizes that they've got, the styles that they've got, whether you're small and lean like me or a big hunk of a man like you. You've made me blush. I don't know what to do. Giacomo, style and brands for every man.

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27:06Joe Marler:Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light, and slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season.

27:24Tom Allen:You create it, layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall.

27:29Joe Marler:Find fall your way at Ross.

27:35Joe Marler:Right, Tom. I'm going to give you some scenarios. Okay. Regarding your perfect look. Oh, okay. Okay. And you're going to tell me how you feel about them. Mm, okay. You've run out of shoeshine and you've got to leave the house with unpolished shoes.

27:56Tom Allen:If I was going somewhere very formal, what I might do is buff the outside with my socks.

28:02Joe Marler:Why?

28:03Tom Allen:It's all about standards, isn't it?

28:05Joe Marler:Yeah, but that shoe, what's the difference with that shoe if it's buffed or not buffed?

28:08Tom Allen:Well, it's a bit like a clean car, isn't it? It goes faster.

28:13Joe Marler:You're walking to a meeting and you notice you've spilled coffee on your tire.

28:17Tom Allen:Oh, I hate that, Joe. Oh, that is very triggering for me. Do you know what I don't like as well? Are those coppers that go on a coffee cup when you go to a shop. The what goes on a coffee cup? The sippy bit. The sippy bit. You know, the top. The lid. The lid. Yeah. Thank you. Gosh. This is really quite a moment for me. The lid? The lid. You don't like a lid on a coffee cup? Joe, I cannot get on board with those. But it would prevent you spilling it on your tongue. No, it doesn't. No, it does not. That one thing. I just find for some reason it either collects under the clippy bit or it dribbles out.

28:52Tom Allen:It just goes down me and I think, what was the point of that? I may as well have just had a cup of coffee.

28:56Joe Marler:Okay.

28:56Tom Allen:And I think it is absolutely what is wrong with this world.

29:00Joe Marler:No, no, it's to allow the drink to come out smoothly.

29:04Tom Allen:Oh.

29:05Joe Marler:But I have trouble with the lids because when I go to swig it, my nose blocks the hole. It's like the perfect thing. So then it chugs anyway and goes all down me.

29:14Tom Allen:Wow.

29:18Joe Marler:Oh, you're into your gardening, aren't you?

29:20Tom Allen:Oh, well, yeah. I mean, I like it, yeah. Yeah, but you love it. I mean, yeah.

29:26Joe Marler:What made you then go, oh, I'm going to do a podcast whilst I garden?

29:31Tom Allen:I find that I'm at peace when I'm in the garden, actually. I feel a lot more relaxed, and I think it's quite a community-based thing to do gardening because I think it looks nice for other people. And I thought, well, wouldn't it be nice if I could sort of share that garden experience with a wider audience? The thing about gardening for me is it's actually the antithesis of all my smartness because I like to pop on some casual clothes, maybe and hoodie. And I like to get down and dirty, I suppose is what young people would say.

29:57Joe Marler:Dirty.

29:57Tom Allen:Yeah. Do you know what? I don't even always use a trowel. I sometimes will, quite often in fact. You'll see it in my fingers now. Just do it in my hands.

30:06Joe Marler:But that sort of goes against the perfectionist that you are. That's what I mean.

30:11Tom Allen:It's like that's my moment to let go. Do you know what I mean? That's where you let loose That's where I let loose, yeah What do you think about the plants in our office? Well, I'm impressed that you've managed to grow them in a lightless, airless room

30:24Joe Marler:That's plastic for you Are they not real? Huh? Are they not real? There's one plant in here of the lot that's real There's one There's one plant? Well, I'd like to lean on Tom here To help with my expertise

30:41Tom Allen:Well, usually, as is apt for the theme of today, the real one is the one with imperfections. And that is the one. Deep, right? Really deep.

30:52Joe Marler:That is beautiful, powerful.

30:54Tom Allen:That's powerful, really. I say that because there's a dead bit at the back.

31:09Joe Marler:before we get into your current perfectionism let's rewind to younger tom oh yeah like what were you into when you were like growing up i know you said you were an old head on young shoulders

31:20Tom Allen:yeah you were into bridge early doors well i wish i didn't know i wish i'd been into bridge i think I always knew I was unusual and I sort of liked to create my own little fantasy world. I guess it's a sort of disassociation, you might call it in the psycho... Yes, you do. Psycho and analytical world. But I always thought, as well as being an adult, I always thought I might be from a different era. And so I liked it in my mind to create kind of the idea of living in a different era, which is kind of an odd thing to do, isn't it?

31:47Joe Marler:What era were you from?

31:48Tom Allen:Well, it varied. Sometimes it would be the Victorian era. Sometimes it would be the sort of 1920s and 30s.

31:54Joe Marler:Why were you so drawn to those eras?

31:56Tom Allen:I think the suiting I liked. I liked bowler hats, obsessed with top hats, always been obsessed with top hats. Ruffs. Ruffles. That's more of a Tudor thing. Luckily for my parents' embarrassment, I never got into dressing like a Tudor, which I think would have been quite distressing to them. But things like that, I think I was sort of fascinated by kind of, yeah, the way that people used to dress. I've always been interested in sort of etiquette and formality in a world that feels increasingly less formal. For some reason, I found myself always fascinated by less etiquette, I suppose, the idea of ceremony as well.

32:31Tom Allen:Like I've always been intrigued by rituals and kind of the way that people would, for example, serve dinner. But I think I'm not the only one who does that because I think the appeal of something like Downton Abbey is down to that.

32:43Joe Marler:I'd like to delve into that a little bit. Please. Dinner parties. You're known. You used to throw quite a lot of dinner parties when you're younger. Is that right?

32:49Tom Allen:I used to like throwing dinner parties as a teenager. Yes, I didn't. I have sex.

32:58Tom Allen:It goes without saying. Balding, obsessed with the 1920s and throwing dinner parties.

33:05Joe Marler:What's not to love? What was it that you loved about dinner parties so much?

33:09Tom Allen:Well, I think I like the idea of bringing that formality and ceremony to my contemporaries, and I like the idea. I think on some level I thought it would impress the boys I fancied in my year if they were invited and they saw my prowess when it came to understanding formality. Did it work? Not one bit. Quite the opposite.

33:31Joe Marler:What about in the notes that it says you invited...

33:34Tom Allen:They're not your notes.

33:36Joe Marler:You can't question me on your notes. Okay, but my notes here says that you actually invited a teacher to a dinner party. Yes, of course, why not? What do you mean, why not? Well...

33:47Tom Allen:Was he a good teacher? She was a great teacher. Oh, she was a good teacher. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, there were several teachers I invited because I'd say I was not cool, but I was...

33:59Joe Marler:Cool is subjective though, isn't it?

34:01Tom Allen:Not really. What? It's one of those things people say, isn't it? Yeah. It gets to a point where it's not. It's really not. And I was very happy about that. And if you'd said, oh, you're so cool for doing that, I would have run a mile. So I was very contrary. You liked it. I like the oddity I like being peculiar Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow with full circle yeah it's beautiful isn't it actually isn't that interesting yeah

34:29Joe Marler:at your dinner parties do you do what they do on come down with me and also provide entertainment fuck yes then some belly dancers

34:36Tom Allen:come in at the end

34:37Joe Marler:I don't know why that's become a thing in a very small

34:39Tom Allen:I'd get everyone into the smallest room of the house and then and then and then put on a party hat and bring in some belly dancers yeah Yeah, yeah.

34:49Joe Marler:I can do that as well. Well, great.

34:52Tom Allen:That's a good skill. Was that? Oh, that's impressive.

34:56Joe Marler:For the audio listener, Joe is belly dancing or performing CPR on himself. It seems to be uncomfortable for you. Fucking hell, that's hard.

35:07Joe Marler:Tom, we have covered a lot today in my mission to help you come to terms with imperfection. What are you doing there then?

35:15Tom Allen:I can't bear how unpolished this is.

35:21Joe Marler:Are you breathing on my name tag? Sorry, I've just had a coffee. We have had comments about that, Joe. What's wrong with my name tag? It's always... I don't know, is it my responsibility or Janet's? But one of us needs to get on it. Is it filthy? Absolutely, full of fingerprints. What are you doing with it now?

35:34Tom Allen:Just trying to get a shine on it. Okay. It's an imperfect name tag. I just want the best for you, okay?

35:41Joe Marler:Is that a crime? Is that a crime? Now, I've tried in my mission to help you come to terms with imperfection, but I've got one final exercise for you, and the stakes are high.

35:56Tom Allen:Stakes, S-T-A-K-E-S or S-T-E-A-K-S?

36:02Joe Marler:What's the right one in this sentence?

36:04Tom Allen:Well, I don't know. Have you got a slab of beef for me or not?

36:11Joe Marler:You've been called worse, Joe.

36:18Joe Marler:As you know, it is Janet's birthday today.

36:22Tom Allen:Absolutely. I was talking to her about it just now.

36:24Joe Marler:And we've got her a cake. Oh. Her name needs to be iced on this cake. Jake, have we got the cake and all the ingredients needed? Oh, Jake, thank you.

36:33Tom Allen:It's a lovely cake, Jake.

36:35Joe Marler:Yeah. So you've got the cake.

36:37Tom Allen:Waitrose. Oh, dear. Well, I'm a brand ambassador for Marks and Spencer's, so it won't be very nice. Oh, good. It's going to be delicious.

36:45Joe Marler:You've got everything you need to ice Janet's name on the cake.

36:50Tom Allen:Lovely. But you will be needing these. Oh, no, you're not going to throw, like, maggots at me or something, are you? Like they do on I'm a Celebrity.

37:01Joe Marler:Throw maggots at you?

37:02Tom Allen:But this is the sort of thing they put on, isn't it? And then they have, like, cockroaches crawling over their face.

37:06Joe Marler:Tom, the reason why I want you to wear safety goggles is because I want you to embrace imperfection. So whilst attempting this task, I'm going to be blasting you with...

37:21Tom Allen:a leaf blower. Oh, I cannot stand leaf blowers. It's also got a sucking option.

37:26Joe Marler:What a day to be a leaf.

37:31Joe Marler:I've combined your two loves, gardening and baking.

37:35Tom Allen:Well, leaf blowers are the bane of my life. Okay. I'm with Alan Titchmarsh on leaf blowers.

37:40Joe Marler:Well, this is what you call exposure therapy. It's the intermittent...

37:49Tom Allen:Intermittent. It's unnecessary as well. Leaves aren't that much of a hazard unless they're on a slippy path. They mulch down. And the garden needs more mulch. I love mulch. Well, it just breaks down straight away and then it helps with the soil quality. It's recycling. People want to tidy up all the time. I tell you, they're the perfectionists, not me. I'm sick of it. That and pressure washers. Can't stand it. What? It's very masculine. Joe, I tell you, it's in the same realm as pizza ovens and barbecues. It's gardening for men who don't think they like gardening. Too butch for flowers. Can blow a leaf to their heart's content, can't they?

38:32Tom Allen:can polish a pathway with a pressure washer. Unnecessary. Ruins the peace of everybody else's garden.

38:40Joe Marler:I love leaf blowers, pressure washers, and I've got a barbecue.

38:43Tom Allen:Because you are part of that, what I like to call toxic masculinity.

38:51Joe Marler:Jake, Jake, we're missing something.

38:53Tom Allen:Yeah.

38:54Joe Marler:Tom has got an immaculate suit on.

38:57Tom Allen:I thought you were going to put a gag on me.

38:58Joe Marler:This could get messy, mate. I think, Tom, do you want to put an apron on?

39:02Tom Allen:Oh, I'd like to put an apron on. This is a barber's cape. Haven't seen one of these for a while.

39:08Joe Marler:Tom, when you're ready, take it away. So for the audio listener, Joe has employed the help of a leaf blower, while Tom, using protective equipment, is making the birthday cake for Janet. Studio conditions are now getting windier than we've ever seen. The leaf blower is on max capacity, and Tom is trying so hard to fight against the imperfection but the cake has started to move which is something quite unexpected that we didn't expect to see here. I don't think Tom's going to be able to handle it and it's come down and we've not managed to do it. The cake is a mess.

39:45Tom Allen:The thing is, the aperture at the end, I don't think, was properly snipped.

39:51Joe Marler:So, Tom, should we assess how you've done with Janet's birthday cake? I got the J where?

40:05Tom Allen:and then I tried to loop back to the A but that's when the blowing really began

40:09Joe Marler:oh you tried doing it joined up yeah do you think that's where you went wrong?

40:14Tom Allen:thinking back

40:14Joe Marler:that was the issue

40:15Tom Allen:we're all wise after the event aren't we?

40:18Joe Marler:Jake what are you saying about this mate? I really wholeheartedly believe that Joe your exercise has done wonders I think that the imperfection of it gives it the charm that's really going to make Janet's birthday. Yeah. I think you've nailed it. Tom, congratulations. You've shaken off those shackles of perfection and embraced imperfection.

40:43Tom Allen:Joe, I've had a wonderful time.

40:44Joe Marler:It really appears that way. I've had a lovely time.

40:48Tom Allen:I hope you don't think I've been condescending in some of my, you know, spelling-based banter.

40:54Joe Marler:I didn't realise there had been any.

40:56Tom Allen:that's the thing about condescension isn't it

41:05Joe Marler:now before every client leaves oh yes we offer them a badge to remind them of the process that they've been through oh goodness in their session Jake what have we got for the badge this week inspired by the beautiful south song it's I'm an imperfect 10 Ah. How does it go? I'm in perfect 10.

41:32Joe Marler:That's for you, Tom, to take away with you.

41:34Tom Allen:Thank you, Joe, and Jake, and Janet.

41:36Joe Marler:As ever, you get a lollipop.

41:38Tom Allen:Oh, as every trip to a doctor should include. Thank you. You went for orange? Orange is my favourite. Why? I don't know. I've always found it an appealing flavour. I always found the other ones, as a child, I always found the other ones a little bit frightening.

41:51Joe Marler:Now, I don't want to ask too much of you, but do you mind taking this to Janet? Of course it's her birthday.

41:55Tom Allen:Right, thank you. Let's cut it. Okay, fine. All the best. Tom Allen, everybody. Oh, thanks, everyone. Thank you. Janet.

42:13Joe Marler:If you want to join the Doctor's Waiting List, please subscribe to our YouTube channel and follow us on Instagram at We'll See You Now Show. remember unless it's not clear enough already i'm not a real doctor if you need any professional help you'll find a link to great support services on our instagram i've been joe marla and this has been joe marla will see you now presented by giacomo i'll see you next time bye bye

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