#726 - ARI SHAFFIR + MARK NORMAND

17:13I believe the best superpower is the ability to freeze time because you're in control. You got to remember, they don't want you to have superpowers.

17:29Brian Redban:They, the Jews, do not want you to have...

17:40Brian Redban:But when you freeze time, you're in control. And the perks are motherfucking sweet. Everyone here would do the same thing immediately. We're going to the bank. We'd all do it. Come on. You'd go to the bank. You'd see the teller. You'd wait for her to open up the vault.

18:04Brian Redban:freeze time. And then...

18:11Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk!

18:17Holy shit. And then you'd leave the bank. And if you're a girl, you can look through his phone, whatever the fuck you guys want to do. I don't give a fuck. Thank you guys so much.

18:30Oh. My. God. Fuzzy, great job. Fuzzy, how long have you looked like you go to Sesame Street begging the Muppets for change? All my life. Hey, one time for Tony fucking Hinchcliffe, everybody! Come on! Okay. Fuzzy, you make me look not Jewish. You look like Muzzy. Fuzzy the Muzzy. Hey, are there any Indians in here? They're not allowed in, Rogan. Good. Pakistan forever! Oh, shit. All right, all right. Easy, easy. You know it's going great when you scream at the end of your set. Fuzzy, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Five years. Five years. What's your favorite thing about it? Driving Uber?

19:21Brian Redban:Probably the dick. Probably all the dick I'm getting. You okay? You okay? A gay man? Nah. Oh. What would be the first thing you'd do if you were gay, Fuzzy, now that we're here? I'd suck your dick and try to become a regular, probably, so... Get in line.

19:44Fucking unbelievable. Fuzzy, you treating those cancer spots in your forehead at all, or just letting it ride? Just let it fucking ride, dude.

19:51Brian Redban:This shit's almost over anyways. I think you've got like two months or something like that. What do you do during the day, Fuzzy, when you're not at the mothership? I like to go for walks. Where do you walk? Around the east side, motherfucking East 5th Street. How big is your vest? Bigger than Tony's.

20:12Nothing, Redman? Perfect. You're a rubber ducky, Fuzzy. That's something Tony would actually probably say. Fuzzy, what's your love life like?

20:26Brian Redban:It's good. It's chill, bro. Actually, uh... I met a girl. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Chill, bro. He's allowed. He's allowed. Give him a chance. Yeah, who the fuck is that? Who the fuck's laughing like he can't get any? You're here with a guy. Oh. My. God. Got him. You look like you like dick in your mouth.

20:51Okay, okay. Okay.

20:57Brian Redban:Life's good. Love life is good, dude. I've been fucking... I don't know. I got this fucking... I stopped masturbating, so I got chi now. What? Chi? What's chi? Chi is your semen. Whoa. Is that what you call it? And it's so... Tony, you know about chi. All right, now. I love chi. But I also love Pad Thai. Fuzzy? Fuzzy, I would drop the chi and go with Chia Pet on that head because that is a level of bald I've never seen before. All right. What the fuck? All right. All right. Love you, buddy. You look like Ari before the camps.

21:35All right, all right.

21:44All right, we got to let this guy get back to his food truck. What are we doing here? Come on. Fuzzy, you did it. Here's a little joke book. See you later. fuck off one more time for Fuzzy everybody there he goes Fuzzy you did it Fuzzy worked with me two times he killed both times he worked with me here he fucking crushes me everyone here at the mothership is being groomed to oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

22:17Brian Redban:oh oh You son of a bitch! Oh my god. Un-fucking-believable. I finally work hard enough and save up enough money to buy my own clone of myself. And then you lock me inside of my own closet and try to host my show? You got it.

22:51Brian Redban:Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

23:07Yippee!

23:09Brian Redban:I gotta tell you, I heard a little bit of those interviews. They were dragging back there. Could really hear the wheels turning on you. And I didn't realize my clone would sweat more than me. It's not easy, is it, clone? To kill cloney. Tony Hinchcliffe and Tony Hinchcliffe. By the way, Dwight. It really is Pride Month. This is what we call a Mark Norman wet dream.

23:49This is Kill To Me.

23:54Brian Redban:The only thing better than one of me is two of me. And now, back to the show. All right. Oh, you... I made a couple notes.

24:15Puerto Rico's not going to like this.

24:23Brian Redban:Oh. Oh. Oh. My. God. All right. Back to the bucket we go. I'm very excited to be here. Just finding out it's not you. I thought the whole time. This is an extra fun episode, if you ask me. Who books this shit? Do I look good smoking a cigarette, by the way? I don't say my S's like that, by the way. It's not a cigarette. I don't smoke cigarettes.

25:14Brian Redban:Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Francisco Rincon.

25:33Shut up. This guy was like, don't trip. That's fine. I'm going to fuck your mom later after I clean her house. I am from Puerto Rico.

25:51No, I'm not. I'm one of the good ones. Happy Pride Month to this guy, mainly. But, yeah, I don't know. A couple of years ago, I was watching the gay news, CNN. I don't know if you guys hear Pope Francis. He said R.I.P. Pope Francis a couple of years ago. He said if you're gay, you can get married now and you will no longer burn in hell. It's a real thing. I don't know if you guys heard about this. But it made me think, it made me wonder what was going to happen to the gay guys that were previously burning in hell. Do they make it fair? Do they make an announcement down there? Are they like, excuse me, if you're here and you're gay, make yourself to the lobby.

26:43We have great news.

26:46Brian Redban:what do they do?

26:51Brian Redban:Francisco Rincon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to the show, Francisco. We've seen you multiple times before. One time before, yes. You've only been on the show once? Once. Two years ago. Wow. What makes me think you've been on a couple times? You've probably seen me on Rose Battle. Okay. Yes. I saw you on Rose Battle. I love it. So you're not You're not Puerto Rican. You said you're one of the good ones. What is one of the good ones? Mexican.

27:25Brian Redban:Mexico.

27:29Brian Redban:Okay. Actually, Tony, I am... Oh, go ahead. Sorry. I am from Venezuela. Oh, wow. Okay. Why boo? Why boo? Why boo? Let's go to Ramos. I'm here to tell you guys, despite what you hear in the news, that all Venezuelans are criminals. I'm here to tell you that we are criminals. But I know I am from Venezuela, but you know, Venezuelans, we've been getting a bad rep, right? So like when I moved to Texas about 10 years ago, they would be like, are you from Mexico? And I would be like, no, that's gross, you know? And, and now they are like, are you from Venezuela? And I'm like, no, I'm from Mexico. But, yeah.

28:12All right. Have you always looked like Adam Ray with AIDS?

28:18Yeah, you throw a vest on him, we got a third Tony here.

28:25Un-fucking-believable.

28:28Brian Redban:Francisco, what have you been up to since the last time we saw you? Give us something good. What's going on? Oh, man, living life, you know. I, not to brag or anything, but I got... It's funny because last time I did the show, I had just recently gotten fired. And I just got fired again. Wow. Look at you. I know. Look at you. What'd you get fired from? Hey, that's what I was going to ask. You're a fucking genius. And you're extremely good looking. Thanks, me. Wait, what was that? What was that? I smoke a lot of cigarettes. I don't do that. I don't do that. Do I do that? No, I don't. Easy, Steve Urkel.

29:19Brian Redban:Good one, me. All right. Where did you get fired from? I'm not going to say a company name, but I was working as an engineer, remote, sales engineer. It was really... They fired you. Why will you not say the name? Is it because you can't say engineer? year?

29:38In my language, that sounded like the N-word. But, uh, um, yeah, I don't know if I'm gonna have to look for another job, so I don't wanna throw these guys under the bus, you know. Hey, can I just tell you real quick, if you got fired, you are going to have to find another job. That's how it works. That's how it works. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Yeah, no, well... No. Doubt about it.

30:07Brian Redban:Francisco, what's your love life like? You're a good-looking guy. You seem like you should be doing good out there for yourself. Bet you fuck. What did you say? I bet you fuck. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. I'm doing all right. I got lucky a couple weeks ago. That's what I like about Austin. Lots of beautiful Mexican girls here in Austin. and yeah, so I went down on this girl from San Antonio. How long did you go down on her for? Give us an exact time frame. Morning, night, lunch. Over under 25 minutes. It was a good time. It was a fun time. It tasted like tacos. Like what? I don't even understand myself, man.

30:58I'm sorry. I, yeah. I had a dream in English last night. I don't even know what I said. All right, we got to deport you. Yes.

31:09Brian Redban:Yeah. Yep. Yep. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. We're sending you back to... Venezuela!

31:24Brian Redban:Well, Francisco, what size joke book did you get last time you were on the show? A big one, but it's fine. Well, guess what, buddy? I got news for you. Guess what, buddy? You get a small one this time. Catch. There you go. Wow. Oh, throws it back into the crowd. It's like, that's a thing. It's like when you get a baseball hit to you from the opposing team and the person that catches it throws it back. Back onto the field. That's, you're. You're good. You're real good. All right. All right. Let's keep this thing moving along. Oh, that's an unlit cigarette butt beat. I'm out of control tonight. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, Mike Holloway.

32:24I don't think everyone who has a cat also throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy. But I do think everyone who throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy also has a cat. I don't think everyone who eats blue cheese also has a foot fetish.

32:51But I do think everyone with a foot fetish also eats blue cheese.

32:59I don't think everyone who drinks lemonade is also a pedophile.

33:09But I do think everyone who's a pedophile also drinks lemonade.

33:15I don't think everyone who's the victim of pedophilia is also a Disney adult.

33:25But I... You guys get it. How's it going?

33:30Brian Redban:All right. All right. That was fun. Wow. Mike Holloway. This is your first time on the show? Yes. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? Kind of five years, but more like three because of breaks from COVID and being broke. Okay. COVID was over five years ago. Are you still broke? Well, I did... He's not wrong. I did like one or two mics before COVID. The whole Lincoln years, I had to take off. I'm bad at counting. I'm bad at counting, sorry. The OJ trial really fucked up my schedule. Okay. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm getting aquarium vibes. Like you work with pets of some kind. Give me two fun facts about dolphins.

34:24Brian Redban:Go. Let's go one question at a time here. Dolphins rape a lot. There you go. That's the one they answer. What do you do for work? I door dash right now. I just moved here two weeks ago. So did you save money from another job? Kind of. What was the other job? Amazon delivery. Amazon. You see? I thought with aquarium. There's fish in an aquarium. There's also fish in the Amazon. I did it again. Genius. All right. All right. Anyway. So how much money did you save exactly? I love people. People in interviews and podcasts, they never ask questions like this. They never do. I'm obsessed with a question like how much money did you save before finding a job where you moved to?

35:13Brian Redban:Drumroll. No, no drumroll. No drumroll. There's two fucking hosts here. None of them asked for a drumroll. How much did you save? $500. $500? Holy shit. Holy shit. What are you going to do? Are you in your car right now? Technically, I'm camping at a campsite, so I paid for it. Squatter? Technically, I'm not homeless. Do you have a tent? Yes. So you sleep in a tent? Yes. Where do you shower? At the campsite. There's showers. Outdoor showers? No, it's indoor. Like a KOA? What's a KOA? The fuck is that, Ari? What's a KOA? Some Jewish shit? What is that? Not all of us take world vacations and camp all the time.

36:03Brian Redban:Some of us are trying to fucking change people's lives out here. They know about camps.

36:13That's the second camp, Joe.

36:15Brian Redban:Especially the showers at those camps. Some of the showers are decent at those camps. It's just that one or two were, like, real bad. So explain to us, explain to the people. People are watching all around the world. You came to Austin, Texas with$500. How do you plan on surviving? What are you eating? Take us through your actual life. I go to HEB, and I get a pack of three steaks for like$8 to$12. Okay. And I get some corn on the cob, fresh corn on the cob, for like$0.33 a piece. Where do you shove the corn on the cob? In tinfoil and in the coals. Does the corn... And I got potatoes, too. Does the corn ever get stuck in that massive gap between your two feet?

37:01All the time. Oh, yeah. Look at that old corn catcher you got there. Did your mom be dentists? How many times do you shower a week? Good question, Tony. Every time I come into the city. Okay.

37:18Brian Redban:Wow. Okay. Every time I come to comedy, I shower. Very interesting answer. So this is your first shower? No. Oh. And is it easy to make friends at the campgrounds? What? I hate the questions I'm asking. Is it easy? It really leads to absolutely nowhere. Yes or no questions don't really work on the show. Let me ask you this. I think you're cool. You got an outsider vibe. You got a real fucking manifesto. You're like a manifesto guy. I appreciate that. What is the craziest thing that you've ever almost done? Like you seem like you've had some thoughts cooking. You've read like a how to make a bomb book or something before.

38:05Brian Redban:Oh, yeah. Okay. So now it's your turn to answer the actual question. Back in high school, yeah. You did what? I read the anarchist book. Other than the thing that I fucking said that you did. You get to use your entire life right now as a reference point. What's the weirdest or most criminal thing you've ever almost done? Not the one that I fucking guessed. That you're like, yeah, I did do that. I'm asking your whole life. Did you ever think about perhaps? Several times I almost drove the Amazon truck off a bridge. Okay. Now take us through this. Exactly. First of all, were there a lot of packages in the Amazon truck?

38:46Brian Redban:That's why I didn't get my vest.

38:59Brian Redban:Oh, so good. Okay. So, did you really think about it? You thought about driving the Amazon truck off a bridge? Oh, yeah. I thought about it. Yeah. Okay. And how were you going to do it? Were you going to kind of like go to the bridge and then hard right turn off of the ledge? Or were you going to kind of like take it at an angle? What was your plan? No, I was going to... It was an EV, so it's really got some acceleration. So, yeah, I was going to get it going and then just crank the wheel and jump out the window, jump out the door. Oh, you weren't going to kill yourself? No, no. Oh, boo. Well, I thought about that, too.

39:36I did.

39:37Brian Redban:Oh, wait a second. This is treason. I did for a second, but then I was like, I can jump out. Yeah, I like it. You're just fucking Bezos over, not yourself. Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right with that. Fuck Bezos. So you were just going to selfishly drop a bunch of people's packages in the water. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. All right. What's the other craziest thing about your life, Mike? Give us something good here. Other than almost driving an Amazon thing, what's a fun fact about your life? Did you have a weird childhood? Were you molested? A lot of pedophile jokes. No, I wasn't molested. I did have a weird childhood, though.

40:14I moved around a lot. A lot of molestings. I was a fat kid and a nerdy kid and the new kid all the time, so I got picked on a lot. What was the meanest thing somebody would... I'm sorry. Shut the... I'm fucking talking. What was the meanest thing somebody ever said to you at school? I don't remember. I said a lot of mean shit, too, because I would basically... To deal with bullies, I would basically, like, roast them. I didn't know the term back then, but... I would roast them and then, like, if they put hands on me, then I would, like, just go full out, like, right away. So you killed a kid. No.

40:55Oh. Beats crap out of a couple of guys. You look like the bad kid in Toy Story. Yeah. Oh, my God, you do. The neighbor? Yeah, Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. I do like firecrackers. Where are you hiding Andy's slinky?

41:20Brian Redban:Here's a big joke, but congratulations. There you go. On to the next one. I like that guy. There he goes. Something about him. For real. He seems cool. Grew up on a firework stand.

41:36Brian Redban:Oh, you know what that means. The lovely Heidi is here, everybody. Wow. Thank you, Ari. Someone's rooting for Ari from the audience. Let's go, Ari. Wow. A guy wants you to be funny right now. Farts. All right. All right. This looks like a new name. I'm excited about it. I love new names. You love new names. It's my favorite thing other than my condo.

42:13Oh. on fucking... We're doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it.

42:22Brian Redban:Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Candice August, everybody. Candice August.

42:34Alright. My husband's Muslim, and when we got married, we had to do the Islamic wedding ritual. For those of you who do not know, the Islamic wedding ritual is called the nikah i will spell it for you it is n is in nancy i k is in kangaroo a h is in harold the nikah problem is i had not seen that word written down before i heard that shit out loud picture it on my wedding day i'm standing there in my dress i'm looking at my husband, so in love. The guy walks in. He's like, we are gathered here today to celebrate this blessed nigga.

43:20He kept going. In the eyes of Allah, all niggas are beautiful and wonderful. This nigga today is special. I was just like, what the fuck did this nigga say? What did this nigga say? Thanks for the compliments, dude, but you can call me Candace.

43:45Brian Redban:Fantastic set. Wow. By Candace August. Welcome to the show, Candace. Thank you. Is this your first time? It is not. You've been on before. You were great. I remember you. Thank you. I was on in January. Yeah, welcome back. Thank you. I figure I have to keep signing up. It's the only way black women are ever going to get on this show. Well, it's also the only way anyone gets on the show. I love that you have to be a victim of race issues. Would never expect anybody like you to do that. You people never do that. For this is the fairest, most diverse show in all of show business. Incorrect. How dare you?

44:33Oh, shit. Two Tonys. Oh, my. I'm getting roasted by the bouncer at Fraggle Rock. Oh, my God. It's Ma 'am Patterson.

44:58It's pretty fucking good. Hello, Ari. How are you? What's up? How you doing?

45:01Brian Redban:Pretty good. How do you two know each other? No, I just was... I already dabbed him up. Jews love fucking black hookers, Tony. I wanted to... That's not even funny. But I just wanted to... I just wanted to acknowledge everyone on the panel. Hello, Red Band. I love it. I love it. So, Candace, remind us. What do you do for a living? What's going on?

45:27I'm Ari's call girl. Didn't you hear? No. No. I, um, I, uh, we talked about this before. I work at a debt consolidation company. Okay. A debt consolidation company. I don't understand what that is.

45:48Doesn't translate.

45:51Brian Redban:Amazing. And what do you do for fun? Um, I like to travel a lot and comedy is fun. Where do you travel to? What are some of your favorite places that you've been? My favorite place is Cuba. That's the favorite place I've been. What do you love about Cuba? I'm from New Orleans. Yeah, I know. You went to Brother Martin. I know. I went to Ursuline. Look at the connection down there. I've performed with him several times. He never remembers me. But it's fine. It's fine. It's okay. It's okay. I opened for him at Mgooby's and a bunch of other places. Sorry. Are you from Maryland? No, but I lived in the DMV at the time when I worked with him.

46:35You lived in the DMV? The DMV? Yeah. Wow. Okay, it's D.C., Maryland, Virginia. Wow. And they call it the DMV. Wow, you look like you'd work at the DMV.

46:58Oh, my God. We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it. I was answering you about Havana. So I'm from New Orleans, and Havana has a very, like, New Orleans type of feel. A very, like, it has a lot of soul, and it's a very small place. A lot of live music playing all the time. It just, it just.

47:19Brian Redban:The sweet sirens. It just reminded me of home. That's why I like it. Absolutely. It's amazing. What do you love about Austin, Texas? It also, so 6th Street specifically also reminds me of bourbon. Yeah, for sure. It reminds me. It's a very bourbon-esque feel. All the live music, and then there's this concentrated, like, four-block radius where everything's happening. It's just like bourbon. Mm-hmm. Except cleaner, marginally. Yeah. You got a man? Are you married? Is that what that ring is? Yes. Muslim. Talked at long length about it last time. My husband's Indian. Oh, that's right. That's right.

47:51Brian Redban:The rare mix of an Indian man and a powerful black woman. Yeah. You were very interested in that subject the last time. Well, it's a very rare combination. I study these things. I'm a people person. How does the family go for it? How does this family go for a, you know? So, I mean, they weren't very happy at first, but not really because I'm black, just mostly because I'm not Muslim. Why would you do this to the family? Why do you bring home a demon woman?

48:20This dude. I do voices, too. Man. I heard. You did quite a few the last time I was here. You and the Indian husband, Nick a masala. That is... Too close? A good one. A good one. Right on the borderline, Mark. Right on the borderline. Sorry, sorry. And what does your husband do for work? He also works at a debt consolidation company. A different one from me, though. Wow. Till debt do you part.

48:48Brian Redban:Absolutely. Oh, you like that one. That one was good. That one was good. You don't like working at the DMV. You gave me the... That one was no. Dead consolidation humor. Really, go take that around the office. All right. Did he get to watch your appearance when you were on the show last time? You showed it to him, right? Yeah, yeah, he watched it from home. Like, he wasn't here live, but we watched it. And how much did he beat you for it? He did. You fucking bitch, you bring up my pressure. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. It means no worries. Oh, my. He got a kick out of it because you spent a lot of time talking about it.

49:26So I had said that. You got a kick out of it. I said my...

49:31Brian Redban:A kick and two punches. All right. So I said my husband wasn't black and you spent a lot of time trying to guess what race he was. And you never guessed Indian. Right. I had to tell you. So that's what happened last time. So a lot of the interview was about him. So he actually really enjoyed it when we watched it. I love it. Yeah. And where do you get earrings like that? Those are great earrings. I'm so glad you noticed them. So the last time I was on, I had knives, right? So it's like the Kill Tony vibe, and no one ever noticed them, so thank you, Tony, too, for noticing them. Yes? Did you buy them at the Target that you got fired at?

50:03I did.

50:07Okay.

50:08Brian Redban:No, they're custom. I ordered them online. Were you going to say there, Mark? Nothing. Oh. You got a big joke book last time? I did, but let me tell you this. When I got it, you had, like, some that were left over from the H-E-B Center, and I never got one from the show that I was on. So if you can spare another one, I would like it. You're welcome to the fucking show, man. You know what? Here's an official one from the show. It's like Angel Reese. Thank you.

50:42Thank you, Tony. Good luck to Pulse. You guys have a good night. Thank you so much. One more time for Candace Auger. Candice August Wow

50:54Brian Redban:And the show goes on It has to We keep it moving Let's do it We gotta do it Your next bucket pool Goes by the name of Karen Jones

51:19I got it Some of you may remember me. I was falsely accused of storming the Capitol. I've been pardoned by President Trump. Unfortunately, I had already been incarcerated for 90 days before I got the pardon. Still grateful, but while I was in prison, I was raped. Okay, date raped. Okay, it was consensual. But it's still very unpleasant. And yeah, okay, I was on house arrest. But it's terrible to be on house arrest because you can't leave. But I found out that you could leave for medical procedures. So I scheduled a mammogram, a pap smear, and a colonoscopy. And I'm telling you, it was as horrible as any other time I've been raped.

52:23Date raped. Had sex and regretted it. Whatever you want to call it. Thank you. Karen Jones.

52:30Brian Redban:One of the most famous characters in this show's history. A wild wild. Some people would call her a batty woman. Tony, I know you said not to ask questions, but I got a question for you. What the fuck? What the fuck? If you're here, who's going to take down the Tiger King?

52:56Mark Norman is on fire. On fucking fire. You look like the woman who fired Angel from the Target. Or Candace. Who was the last person?

53:09Brian Redban:That's right. It was Candace. Candace. So, Karen Jones, give us an update. What's been going on in life? I sometimes, you know, hear about you. You come up a lot. I get reports. Karen Jones is fucking doing this and that. You're around. Well, I always try and be in the most interesting places I can be. Flower shops, plant stores, carboretums. Well, probably one of the biggest changes is I was in a little granny flat out in Dripping Springs on my son's property. He was going through a divorce. You remember my son? the real Alex Jones. Keep going, Karen. Keep going. I think you had a stroke there for a second.

53:52No, but it could happen. You're walking a blind guy with this story right now. There he goes. So pick up the pace, Karen Jones. I haven't known to clear the room, okay? But my son remarried, and he remarried a very beautiful woman, and it turns out that five acres is not enough room for two women. So I've had to move, And I'm living out in Canyon Lake now.

54:17Brian Redban:So let's really break it down. Yeah. It's your son's property. Am I correct? Yes. He bought it. Yes. And somehow you made yourself so known, so present, that they made you move somewhere else. Explain to us what a daily routine on a five-acre ranch with Karen Jones is like. Well, when you're on house arrest, it's very limited. but normally but you have the whole five acres I also had three kids I was taking care of and the main house so I became taking care of your son? no his children were you really under house arrest? Ari everybody is with it except for you right now you're the only person confused at all the crowd is now wondering why you're confused what's she under house arrest for?

55:09Brian Redban:storming the capital I thought that was a joke No! Nope. That's not a normal thing. Real fucking story. That's not a normal thing. This is Kill Tony.

55:23All right.

55:23Brian Redban:It's the only place you can meet real people that have stormed the Capitol, other than Fox News. I did not. And if you recall, I've said all along, I was invited in. I was. I was invited in. The Capitol has the vampire rules. The Capitol is normally open The door was open We asked permission to go in And my husband had never been inside the Rotunda No better time than January 6th Yep, 2021 Right on cue But what happened is they invited us in And I took a plea deal So I couldn't speak as freely on your show But that's why I got the 90 days My lawyer was shocked I didn't just get probation but I told too much.

56:10Like, I told that no police had died, only J6ers, and so I got an extra trouble. Cool nickname, by the way. Well, we went to Memorial Day to a J6 reunion.

56:24Brian Redban:J6 reunion. Oh, my God.

56:31Holy shit. This bitch knows how to party.

56:34Brian Redban:Yes, she does. The crowd goes wild, wild. Because they believed me that we were invited in and we were trapped. Maybe not all of them, but enough people know now that I can say this without being arrested for perjuring myself on my statement of facts and deal I signed. But they invited us in and then they trapped us and they hit me really hard with a billy club in the stomach and then they spread gas on me. If they wanted you to get out of there, they should have just invited your son.

57:07Brian Redban:mom there's just not enough room here at the capitol for you we gotta move you to a completely different ranch tens and tens of miles away so do you still make it back to uh have you been to the capitol since no just the texas capital and they're very nice even when i was on free trial they let me in they're open on sunday Texas had such a nice capital and Washington D.C. used to be nicer but it's really went to hell It sure has Just with the Congress inside of it if you ask me What did you do after Dennis the Menace stole your cookies?

57:48Good question Thanks, man I can't believe Willie Nelson transitioned

57:59Un-fucking-believable Really doing it, Red Band

58:03Brian Redban:So Karen, anything else crazy going on in your life That we should know about? Well, you know, I was trying to decide Whether or not I should go with the J6 stuff Because I have been going to open mics regularly And I've been working on my gay material Why don't we hear one of your gay jokes? I want to hear one of your gay jokes Come on. I think we do. I'll give you a bit of my gay minute. OK. It's that I told all my kids growing up I didn't want them to be damaged. So I always told them that if I find out you're gay, I just won't be able to love you as much. It's nothing personal. But we all know that homosexuality is caused by overbearing, castrating, ball-busting bitch moms.

58:51and I'm not going to let one of you f***ers make me look like a bad mom.

58:58Wow. Wow. I like her.

59:02Brian Redban:Put her in the arena. This might be my favorite bucket ball of all time. I know. She is a legend. She is a legend in Kiltony folklore. Well, you probably missed me talking about your ball sack on Joke World, but you're... What? What the f***? Last time I was in here, I saw his balls. Well, it wasn't in here. It was in L.A., actually. And I was doing interviews for Joke World. And I've actually seen them a few times now. And I said, if I were you, I would keep them in my pants. Because my husband is 73 years old, and he has better-looking balls. The whole deal. My husband looks better. What the fuck is so...

59:48Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh no. Oh my God. Oh no. Oh my God.

1:00:04There they are. Oh Jesus. Oh my God. Oh. Oh. My husband. Yeah, that's awful.

1:00:15Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Happy Pride!

1:00:31It's not what I haven't seen before. Yoni, cancel my Postmates order. No, the bad thing is, is after my husband sees this episode, He'll be like walking around with his dick swinging. It's funny, when you get older, your dick gets bigger because of gravity.

1:00:51Brian Redban:Yeah. Except Ferraris, obviously. Oh, can you imagine what they're going to look like at 73? That's scary. Well, he's already 72, so... Come on, Mark. All right. Oh, my God. He's just an asshole, by the way. I don't want to see that. Okay, Red Ben. Okay, Red Ben. The ball's Red Ben. Red band's actually got a point. It is covered in weird balloon knot hemorrhoids. It is... Normal hemorrhoids. Very disgusting.

1:01:22Brian Redban:Ari, your penis to balls ratio always shocks me. Right! It is absolutely crazy. I never understand it. It is wild. It's like some type of animal. Some type of weird creature you shoved into that zipper pocket. Yeah. It's very bizarre. It's kind of gold. It is one of the weirdest ball sacks. It appears as though it looks cancerous, by the way. Yes. You ever get it checked out? I'll get it checked. I have not. I have not. Have you had a prostate exam? Yeah. Well, it was a hooker. Karen Jones, you are always such an unbelievably entertaining interview. Unbelievable. Thank you again. Here's a big one for you.

1:02:05Brian Redban:There's a joke book. Fuck yeah. I caught it. Not like those other chicks. Karen Jones, ladies and gentlemen There she goes, Karen Jones, everyone Goodbye, Karen Great to see you We love you, Karen Get the fuck out of here, Karen Jesus fucking Christ Tell another 45 minute story Wow Oh my god I'd let her storm my capital Am I right? Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Aldo Caldo.

1:02:50Brian Redban:All right, one more time for Aldo. I guess there's no fucking music here tonight. All right. I love my women how I love my coffee. Sliding off the roof of my car. Many moons ago, I used to be the bass player for the Latin boy group band called Menudo. Yeah. Men. Nude. Oh. We used to hop the borders all around Latin America playing these sold-out shows. And I used to think to myself, wow, I made it. I really made it. I remember I came home with my first million in pesos. It was like the best hundred bucks I ever made. people would always ask me hey Aldo how did you know who was going to be the next menudo because they would get molested and then get kicked out or hit puberty was it always the cute one that would say no it was always the menudo that set their microphones up like this

1:04:00he was the next Ricky Martin gracias

1:04:07Brian Redban:de nada Aldo Caldo that must crush it taco stands all across the country very Latino material you don't got to represent ok alright there's a couple people hey Hey, with a picito piña. That's good. All right. Aldo, what do you do for work? I tour. I'm a musician. I'm a musical comedian. How long have you been doing stand-up? About eight years, off and on. And you've been playing music your whole life? Yes. You started with an accordion, like a typical Mexican? No, I actually started on piano and guitar. And I kind of now play acoustic and bass. What do you specialize in now? Right now, guitar and bass.

1:04:51Brian Redban:Okay. Acoustic or electric? Whatever the gig calls for. Let's get this guitar out here. Let's see what happens. Let's get him a guitar. The beautiful Heidi with a guitar ready to go. No covers, Aldo. It's got to be an original song. You got to make it sound good. None of that Gypsy King shit. We don't want to have to give our money to YouTube. Oh, shit. They're communicating back here. They're calling out the play.

1:05:44Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do this. We on Kill Tony. Funny motherf***er bad bitches only We on Kill Tony Rolling out of Texas on a golden pony We on Kill Tony Rolling out of Texas on a golden pony We on Kill Tony Guitar went out Yeah Let me see you put your hands together Say Kill Tony, Kill Tony, Kill Tony

1:06:15Brian Redban:Alright, you're not singing or playing the instrument That's just my band doing really good stuff. That was God taking control of that moment. Is there a switch or something on that? Matt Muelling, what would you do to get that guitar to work? Wait, you didn't really play that, though. Yeah. Well, not really. Not really. It was more lyrical. Let's talk to Gibson to get one that works. All right. I'm going to get ice on the phone. Ice is on the phone. and they're waiting for me outside right now. Wow. I shouldn't even be here right now. I'm just proud to be allowed. Where should you be? Where else would you rather be?

1:06:54Well, I come from a law enforcement family. They're all CIA.

1:06:57Brian Redban:You should be on a deportation center in Venezuela. Wow. Okay, Ari, just one in the middle of an answer with two other people talking. Let's go, Ari. Every time he pulls out that giant, tiny cock of his, he gets real excited afterwards. By all means. Aldo Caldo, I got to get something juicy out of this interview, man. Give us a real interesting fun fact about your life. Something fun. I recently almost had a felony charge for having weed down in the South Valley, South Texas. Well, I mean, we've all been there. How about something else? What else? Anybody who's had any weed in South Texas has almost been up for a felony charge.

1:07:37Brian Redban:Something else. I have a dame named after me, like Deep Madness, for doing music here out of Texas, representing the Latino Music Association. here in Austin, Texas. You have a day? What day is it? November 15th. I also turned it into a festival called the Caldo Festival. Helped feed 3 ,000 families with caldo, you know, soup. Okay. So, yeah. So, you know, I'm trying to get back to the people that gave to me. So, representing. Wow. Amazing. Nice of you to give the soup out instead of eating it yourself. Hey, well, I ate a lot of it. I got to test it all, man. What's your favorite soup? Caldo de...

1:08:12All of them. Caldo de cariño. Caldo de Reyes

1:08:17Brian Redban:Alright Aldo We're going to get you out of here Here's a medium sized joke book There goes Aldo Everybody Wow And now It's time for one of our Regulars Ladies and gentlemen This man has been An absolute juggernaut Since his arrival here in the Kill Tony world He is, without a doubt, one of the most legendary regulars of all time. And soon to be, without a doubt, a citizen of the United States of America. But for now, he remains the Estonian Assassin. This is Ari Maddy!

1:09:17Brian Redban:What's up? So, speaking of small dicks, when are we getting big dicks, huh?

1:09:32Isn't it crazy? There's no developments at all. Yo, Elon Musk, fuck you. I don't give a fuck about Mars. Where's my big black cock?

1:09:48Isn't it crazy Katy Perry's in orbit before I have a big hog?

1:09:57And I've looked into it. No progress. The only thing you can get is you go to Mexico. And they don't make you a big dick. You pay 60 grand and what they do, they remove your lower abdominal muscles to like excavate more dick out of you.

1:10:29$60 ,000 for an extra two inches. Hey, I don't need two inches. Great. Now we're at four. Thank you so much. Thanks.

1:10:47Brian Redban:Wow. Ari Matty has done it again. Everybody. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. What's up, Tony? What's up, Tony? What's up, Ari? We are big Ari Matty fans over here. Huge, huge. Ari Matty fans. Oh, my God. Ari, how's it been going? What have you been up to?

1:11:15I went to New Orleans yesterday. You're from there, right? Whoa, whoa. Great Mark Norman is from there. Dude, New Orleans. If only the French would see what you guys did to that city. Dude, I went on Bourbon Street. The smells? Oh, my God. Dude, I literally saw an Indian guy hold his nose. do you know how bad a place has to be

1:11:43Brian Redban:for an indian man candace august showing her husband around her old hometown

1:11:52yep taking him back to see the sights so ari how's life what else is going on anything crazy i don't know yeah we went to mobile alabama and then new orleans the power went out during the show four times in mobile alabama oh wow and they just go huh mobile alabama not known for its electricity all right what's your love life like

1:12:25two tonys two aries oh yeah oh two tonies two or is one mark

1:12:35There's got to be another autistic out there, huh? Hey. Oh, my God. You know, Ari, I also have huge balls. It's crazy. What's that? But... Prove it.

1:12:47Brian Redban:No, I'm scared. I'm scared. No, no, no, no. Listen. Are you like Ari? Are you mostly balls? It's 95 % balls. Wow. Wow. Literally, my dick looks like it's chilling on a beanbag, dude. It's fucking... My whole... My God. Your dick looks like it's coming out of a Jew tunnel. My dick looks like it owes my balls money, and now they're all at the ATM. What does an Estonian dick smell like? It's clean and white. Sorry, weird question. Tony? That is a very weird question. What does an Estonian dick smell like? No, I'm kidding. Good question, me. Yeah. No, we've been having a lot of fun. We've been drinking, having a blast around the city.

1:13:44Yeah, I have a problem, man.

1:13:46Brian Redban:You what? I have a problem. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Drink every day, baby. We were there last night. We've been having a lot of fun. Yeah, it's so much fun. Working hard and playing hard. You can do both. We can do both. What else is going? Ah, fuck. Ah.

1:14:08All right, that's my... I'm getting... Cigarettes are tough. You guys look like Siegfried and Roy.

1:14:20Oh,

1:14:24Brian Redban:this place is absolutely wild. Ari, you did it again. You did it again. Thank you so much. You are the man. Thank you. Unbelievable. You'll get your citizenship soon. Great to see you, Ari. There he goes. And it goes on and on. Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Benjamin Grella. Benjamin Grella.

1:15:00Hello. Hello. How are you? Ladies, are you sick of your man's wrinkled old fucking ball sack?

1:15:15That hairy old dusty nut sack? Well, I got something for you. It's called scrotox. It's Botox for your testicles. I don't care if you like the red socks, the white socks, I don't even wear fucking socks. For a smooth nutsack tomorrow, use scrotox today. It also removes hair for the ultimate teabagging experience. Your lady will be looking forward to that.

1:15:57My cousin recently married a Chinese girl.

1:16:08At the wedding, wedding reception, they had this fucking beautiful lasso -

1:16:17Brian Redban:Let him go, let him go, let him go. You can finish, Benjamin. You got to keep it going. Keep going. They had this beautiful lasso-absso souffle that was out of this world. They had poodle kebabs on a brioche bun. Beagle Burgers and leg of lamb with a nice mint sauce I never believed that shit but I do now that's it okay good thing you made it finish Benjamin is a legend believe it or not much like Karen Jones in this show's history and for the same reason as Karen Jones He is not necessarily known for his stand-up during the minute-long sets, but my God, if this isn't one of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show.

1:17:10Brian Redban:Famous for being able to somehow tap into a story that is a thousand times funnier than anything he says during the stand-up part. It's happened before. The legendary story of him stealing a man's television while he made himself a sandwich. was told on the show. We've heard of him having many hangs with the Night Stalker. Yes, actually. Some other highlights as well. Well, he has a son. Okay. They call him Little Richard. Good golly, Miss Molly. Alright. Like I said, his jokes aren't really that good. But if we can guide him into accidentally telling a story that he never thought that he would say.

1:17:57Brian Redban:You have anything else up your sleeve, Benjamin? You've had so many highlight moments on the interview part. I mean, we're really pushing it here. This is like staying in Vegas when you're already winning. You signed up again. You're famous for tapping into unbelievable stories. Is there anything that we should know that you haven't told us before? You must have been kicking something around in your head. Something fun? Yeah, I got another story. What? I have another story. Okay. What's this story about? It's about when I was a drug dealer, I owed these Italian guys in New York$80 ,000. Oh, great.

1:18:33Brian Redban:Let's fucking go. Wow. Let's fucking go. Yep.

1:18:40And I didn't have any money.

1:18:43Brian Redban:Give us the right lighting here, Kino. Benjamin owes Italians in New York$80 ,000. He didn't have enough money, and here he goes. This is Benjamin Graham. Yeah, this was at the height of my heroin addiction. That's why I spent their$80 ,000. Well, actually, it had nothing to do with heroin. It was my Coke dealer. I actually owed him$80 ,000. And he owed the Italians$80 ,000. And there were four other guys that owed him about$100 ,000. So I owed him the least. And their theory was if they killed me to set an example, the other people would pay up. Actually, I only owe them$60 ,000, but my girlfriend owed them$20 ,000.

1:19:37And she was a UCSB student, and she used to sell weed for me. And they wanted to put her in a cat house up in Reno to work off her 20 grand. and she's like, I'm a vegan. What are you talking about? I'm going to graduate this year. And so I absorbed her 20 grand, which brought mine up to 80. And my friend, whose name is, we'll call him Jason, because that was his name.

1:20:14Brian Redban:Here we go. Perfect. This is what I'm talking about. We're doing it, Red Band. Red Band? We're doing it. Keep going, Benjamin. Go ahead. Yeah. He was a rich kid from Santa Barbara. His dad was like the president of the Santa Barbara Stock Exchange or something. But he wasn't a good drug dealer. And from hanging around with me, he got strung out on heroin. and he didn't get along too good with the Mexicans in the neighborhood and I got along great with him until I accidentally burnt one of the houses down

1:21:01I just meant to blow up the car but I used too much gasoline and the driveway had a little incline to it And the gasoline went around the house. And, you know, shit happens.

1:21:33I didn't expect the house to catch fire.

1:21:40I'm going off track this has nothing to do with the Italians

1:21:58yeah well these are we'll call these guys the Rodriguez brothers because that was their name.

1:22:11And they were cool guys. They were honest, honest drug dealers. You give them money, they brought the drugs back. And none of them were home this particular day, except their one brother, Jesse. And he had just got out of jail like two days before that. And I figured he was cool like the rest of the brothers. So I gave him six grand for an ounce of heroin. And while we were talking about the heroin, he showed me this vintage car that he was working on. And he was really proud of this car. So anyway, I gave him the money, and after an hour, he didn't come back. He left me in his little shack behind his parents' house.

1:22:55I'm waiting for him. After two hours, he didn't come back. And I finally realized this motherfucker ripped me off. and it was jason's money my friend jason the coke dealer so i had to go back and tell him hey i lost the money i fucking got ripped off and he's like holy shit the italians are coming we we have to get all this money together so uh he said what are you gonna do i said i don't know but it's fucked up said i'm gonna go blow his car up went to the gas station got a gallon of gas I used to blow cars up a lot when I was a teenager. I did it. You know, the older guys, they didn't want to make payments anymore, so they would, you know, give me 50 bucks in the keys to their car, and they'd say, you know, drive it around for a week, have fun, and then burn it.

1:23:57So I did. first time I did it I didn't realize I was supposed to leave a trail and I poured gas all over the place they said put in the engine compartment the trunk, the interior and you know then throw a match at it but they didn't tell me to make a trail so I was standing like six inches away from the fucking car

1:24:22and I'm like And all my hair burns. My fucking eyebrows, my eyelashes, my hair. I go back to the donut shop. Oh, yeah, and they said, what did you do? Wait, wait, wait, hold on one second.

1:24:40Brian Redban:Where's this donut shop come from? No, donut shop. Okay. Okay, go ahead, go ahead. I went back to the donut shop. All right. My big book is filled, too, by the way. Okay, just keep going. We'll talk about that later. It's almost tomorrow. So, and they said, make sure you bring the keys back. If you don't bring the keys back, the insurance company will, they won't, I won't collect. And I forgot the keys in the ignition. So as soon as I go back to the donut shop, they say, you got the keys? And I went, oh, shit. I forgot the keys. and they're like, what the fuck happened to your hair? I said, I got burnt, you know.

1:25:28So the next day we went to look at the car where they towed it and everything was melted. The dashboard, the steering wheel, the keys were like a puddle. There was nothing there. Anyways, that's a different story about Jesse's car. I shouldn't have used their real name because they might still be around these guys. They're going to be pissed off when they see this. Because the very next day after the house caught fire, I went right back, knocked on the door. I'm like, what the fuck? Your brother ripped me off last night. What happened to your house? And some fucking asshole blew it up. My brother's been ripping everybody off, you know, and people are pissed off.

1:26:10Anyway, so that was that. So back to the Italians.

1:26:14Brian Redban:Yes, here we go. So Jason said, hey, you guys got to pay up. The Italians are coming. And he was saying this for like six fucking months. And he was a wimp. You know, he'd go to school with heroin. He called me one day crying from downtown. He said, the fucking Mexicans took my BMW. What the hell? I told you not to go down there without me. He goes down there with his tennis shirt and his sweater tied around his neck. You know how fucking... Keep going, keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Back to the Italians. Back to the Italians. So anyway, he said, the Italians are coming. The Italians are coming.

1:26:49And we're like, yeah, yeah, fuck you, Jason. So finally, I'm at my house one day, and my girlfriend was sitting there about 6 o 'clock at night, and there's a knock on the door. I open the door, and there's this little guy who looks like Joe Pesci with an afro. And he goes, hey, I'm Frank, and this is my friend, you know, Bubba, this big muscle guy. He said, we're here to discuss your bill with Jason. I'm going, oh, fuck. The Italians, they're here.

1:27:18Brian Redban:the italians have finally arrived for those of you that have completely fallen asleep six minutes ago yeah the italians they have arrived i got i got distracted the italians are here and they're saying come on we're gonna we're gonna take you out for dinner we want to talk about how you're gonna pay us back and i'm like you know i'm really not hungry i just ate and my girlfriend's going like don't go you'll never come back you know she's the one that owed him the 20 grand so anyway i did i we went with the italians and uh they said you know we're talking about how i'm gonna pay him back i said look i don't i don't even if i can deal drugs anymore i'm just a fucking strung out junkie and uh you know one day at a time keep coming back and uh so uh finally

1:28:10I'll pay you 80 grand to finish this story. Hey, all right. And I'll double that money if you tell me where Gabby Petito is. So anyway, I talked them into letting me, my girlfriend got a job in San Francisco for Chevron. And I told them, look, I got a job at this restaurant in San Francisco. You guys let me leave town and I'll send you guys like two grand a month, you know. I didn't have a job in San Francisco I lied so anyway they said okay you go to San Francisco you you send us that money if you don't send us that money we're gonna come up there and if I can use you set an example for the other guys so they'll pay up and I'm saying well yeah you kill me you won't get the money they said yeah but it'll you know give them the impetus to pay the rest of the money and they owe a lot more than you do yeah it was like a half a million all together okay so anyway I'm in San Francisco two three months go by I I didn't send anything.

1:29:05I didn't talk to him or anything. And one day I'm in bed and I hear, I'm dreaming of a fire crackling. You know, firewood and cracking fire. Like 6 a.m. in the morning. My girlfriend was visiting her parents in Santa Barbara, so I was alone. And it wasn't a fireplace.

1:29:26Brian Redban:You're dreaming and then? And then I thought it was a fireplace, but what it was in reality was my door to the apartment being cracked open. It was the wood actually cracked right down the middle. And I see these big guys go walking by my door, big guns, T-shirts, jeans, tennis shoes. Fucking. And then one, two, three, and the fourth one. The fourth one looks in the bedroom and he's going, ah, shit, he's in here. Next thing I know, I sit up like that, there's three fucking guys. On my bed. Come on, this is Kill Tony, not Rogan.

1:30:11Brian Redban:So then what happened, Ben? The Italians are finally here, fucking 20 minutes into the story. Yeah. Would you pour them into your freedom? One of them straddled me, and the other two were standing on my hands. Later on, they told me they thought I was reaching for a gun. That's why they did that. And the one in the middle put the fucking gun in my mouth, chipped my tooth, pulled the hammer back, and I'm going, okay, this is it. I'm going to fucking be dead. Then a guy comes in the doorway in a three-piece suit with a tie, pulls out a fucking badge. He goes, Ben Grelly? I said, yeah. He goes, DEA, you're under arrest.

1:30:46So it wasn't the Italians.

1:30:48Brian Redban:You got busted for being a heroin dealer and addict. Jason got busted in Santa Barbara. And he had my name and address in his book, my telephone number, and the other four guys, all their names and addresses. and he was always telling us, use code, don't use my name, blah, blah, blah, all this shit. And he didn't do it in his own direction. Ben, is there like something big coming? Is that it? No, that's not it. That's it? No, there's more. Okay, well, let's get to that stuff real quick. Anyway, yeah, well, they picked me up out of bed. I had my fucking boxes on, which happened to have marijuana leaves emblazoned all over them.

1:31:26And they had me in the kitchen. and they were looking for coke because they said, you owe him 80 grand. And I'm like, no, no, I owe him$80. You guys are fucked up. You didn't do your homework. It's$80, not 80 grand. He paid for my Frank Zappa ticket. I just fucking made up this ticket. We did go to see Frank Zappa. Anyway, so the Santa Barbara cops flew up from Santa Barbara and the DEA.

1:31:56Brian Redban:Ben, you might have to finish it next time. It's a little too long. Okay, long story short. I didn't talk. You can't do long story short now. Let him do it. Let him do it now. Let him do it. I'm allowing you. I'm going to listen to Biden. I didn't talk, and the Italians actually did. The head Italian called me up. He said, you're the only one that didn't fucking write on us. Everybody else talked. He had the fucking transcripts. And I said, well, what about the 80 grand? He said, forget about the 80 grand. We had a good day yesterday. And that was it. Wow. Wow. All right, here's a big joke book, Ben.

1:32:30Brian Redban:Thank you so much. Congratulations. Benjamin Grell. Wow. All right. All right. Wow. Wow. Like a piece of ginger in between bites of sushi, the lovely Heidi cleanses our palate from the unbelievable, dreadful story of Benjamin Grell. I thought it was gripping and nothing at the same time. He's really good at it, But that one didn't really have the twists and turns it normally does. No, that was like the Irishman. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Luke Lawrence, everybody. It's Luke Lawrence, everybody. Here he goes.

1:33:19I know I'm not a confident guy. I know I'm not a hot guy. But I know I'm just hot enough that prostitutes are relieved when they walk to my apartment. Like, I know I'm not, like, a hard day's work. You know what I mean? But I'm going to give her a run for her money for sure. For sure. I got a crazy little message from my ex-girlfriend a little while ago. My friend's ex-girlfriend a little while ago. She texted me. She's like, hey, Tyler just died. And I'm like, holy fuck. And she's like, yeah, he just told me he loved me. And I just picture my best friend having a heart attack and just throwing his phone immediately because she couldn't find it right after he died.

1:33:51and all I'm thinking is just like, he wants people to love him right after he dies. Nope.

1:34:00Things aren't always the best they can be. Sometimes you get fucking cheated on and you know, your friends try to support you sometimes when you get cheated on. My best friend's literally just like, yo man, she's for the streets. She's not, she's native. She's for the land. That's it, holy fuck, that was terrible.

1:34:17Brian Redban:Jesus Christ. Wow, you got - What the fuck? You nailed it there at the end. You are correct. That was terrible. Wow. All you had to do was get one laugh. Dude, I know. All you had to do was anything. That's hilarious. Okay, so Luke Lawrence, how long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, too long for that. Okay. Too long for that. I only do once a week, though, because I live in Newfoundland. Oh, wow. Yeah, so I own the only comedy club in Newfoundland, and it only hosts comedy one night a week. Okay. That's going to close after this. Yeah. Oh, dude. They tried to cancel my show. They tried to cancel my comedy club like two weeks ago.

1:34:54It was crazy. For what? We hosted the Danger Cats. What's that? It's a group in... It's a comedy troupe in Canada. Oh, it's the number one comedy group in Canada, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to know about this. The Danger Cats.

1:35:08Brian Redban:Is it? It's a Canadian... Canadian comedy troupe. They're coming down here in a few weeks. But yeah, shit got fucking... Apparently, they're tied to neo-Nazis or some shit. I don't fucking know. It was... Okay. Yeah, right? Okay. Right? And then the woke people were all flipping out and saying that I was like a Philly. I was like, Jesus Christ. Right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You dress like you coach a Nazi basketball league. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why Newfoundland? That's where I was born. And, okay. And then I moved to Toronto. I was living in Toronto for a while. And then the pandemic happened. And then, like, everybody in Toronto cared about the pandemic.

1:35:46and I went back to Newfoundland because I was one of the last people to see the submersible leave. What do you mean by that? I have a boat and I was like hanging out on the boat and I seen the submersible go away. Like the Titan submersible.

1:36:00Brian Redban:Ah. Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. Gotcha. That's hilarious. Let me know which one. What do you do for work? I own a comedy club. Nope. Nope. No. No? No one believes you. How do you make money? I own, I fucking, I just, I have a couple businesses. What are the other businesses? The other business is a production company, and I'm also a screenwriter. How much money have you made screenwriting? Too much to talk about on the show, I guess. Really? Yeah. Have you written anything that we've seen? I got a movie called Party Pirate that's on Amazon Prime right now. Party Pirate? Party Pirate. Where are my Party Pirate fans at?

1:36:37Brian Redban:Party Pirate. You've seen it? It's got surprisingly good ratings. I don't know. Canada editing, they just made the fucking movie so shitty, I think, but like... What is Party... In my opinion, like, literally, it was just like, every time I submitted a script, they're like, this gotta come out, this gotta come out, and I'm like, fuck's sakes, man, Jesus Christ. It's not the same thing I tried to put out there, but that's it. Is Party Pilot about an Asian guy who flies planes? I didn't even hear what you said. What'd you say? What happened earlier in the show that I'm not getting? Nothing. It was right there in the moment.

1:37:04Brian Redban:Oh. Because that's how Asians talk. Sorry. This episode's brought to you by Incogni and Tacovus. So tell us something crazy about your life here. We're trying to figure something out about it. I know. I have a lot of near-death experiences. Yeah? Yeah, I've almost died a bunch of times, like a lot too often. One of them got 30 million views in a day. What happened? I drove a side-by-side, a four-seater side-by-side off like a seven-story cliff, and then I wrote it off, walked away immediately, and then the cartel were just like, You owe us$50 ,000. Ooh, the Italians are coming. No, the cartel, the Mexican cartel.

1:37:48No, I know. Do you count tonight as one of the nights you almost died?

1:37:52Brian Redban:I'd bond on stage, yeah, that's terrible. Holy fuck. Yeah. Do you have audiences? Are you used to performing in front of other human beings? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those jokes, those three jokes, they are the most performed, like best performance ones. What the fuck was that sentence you just said? I know. I've got this fluency too. I've got a bunch of fucking disabilities, so it's like you can't tell. What we all do. What is your best joke that you could tell right now? My best joke? It's not quick. Trying to get a minute is so much harder than trying to do a three-minute set or any of that shit. Right, because you have long setups, right?

1:38:28Brian Redban:Yeah, you're right. Yes, I am right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to keep it moving here. Here's a little joke book, Newfoundland. Jesus Christ, okay. Aw, everybody's sad. He's sad. I mean, he doesn't have any, there's nothing to talk about. There he goes. See ya. We're going to keep it moving along here. Keep it moving. Back to the bucket. Back to the bucket. This is surprisingly our ninth bucket pool of the night. We've been flying through it here tonight. Make some noise for Neil Rubenstein, everybody. Neil Rubenstein, everybody. Okay. It's now done. Neil! Neil! Yeah, hi. Hi, everybody. Yeah, I'm Neil Rubenstein.

1:39:15People mispronounce it all the time, too. Rubenstein, Rubenstein, Goldberg.

1:39:22I'm named after my grandfather, Norman Rubenstein, but I know that wasn't his name, you know, because he came over from Poland in the 1930s. So his name was like a bunch of Cs and Zs. No vowels. Inside out K, for some reason. and just the immigration guys couldn't read it. They're like, what are you showing me, a Wi-Fi password? Like, we're giving out a lot of Normans today. You're going to be Norman from now on. He said, my last name's Joe. Norman Rubenstein. You guys made me nervous. Holy shit. We're giving out a lot of Normans today. You'll be Norman from now on. Norman Rubenstein. He said, my last name's Jones.

1:39:57Like, not anymore, Jew. And they just shoved him back down the stairs. That's how it was for us. never been a good time in history for the Jews no one's gonna be like oh you're Jewish right this way you know well once stepped on the well once

1:40:14Brian Redban:but alright that went terrible Neil Rubenstein hello Neil you've been on this show before right yeah and it went better yeah it went better last time what do you think went wrong tonight I got nervous I switched cause he brought up Jew right away Who? Whoever said Jew. I think they were yelling at Ari. Yeah, also, yeah, you know, because Mark looks Jewish, so I was like, all right, I guess we'll do Jew jokes. Or there's the rabbi in the middle here that you haven't seemed to notice, this Yiddish fucking overlord. Quite the matzo balls. Yeah. Yeah. The final boss of Auschwitz the video game here, Ari Shafir.

1:40:59Brian Redban:You look like you eat Jews. Yeah, yeah, very good. You look more like Rubenesque. Yeah. He did that last time he did the Ruben sandwich. You don't have to... Let the new people make the same jokes that everybody thinks when they see you. It should be a barometer to let you know exactly what people think. How long have you managed the animal band at Chuck E. Cheese?

1:41:24Brian Redban:What do you do for work, Neil? What do you do? I just do this mostly. Surprisingly, I guess. How do you make money doing this? Like doing shows, road shows, and then also SiriusXM royalties and YouTube stuff. From a show you have on SiriusXM? No, I have a record out. That's right. And it's in like regular rotation. You're a musician. No, a comedy album out. Oh. Yeah. That's embarrassing. Isn't that concerning? How long have you been doing stand-up again? Ten years. Ten years. And you're making money doing this? Yeah. I mean, not a ton. Not as much as you guys, but. I mean, yeah. You're goddamn right.

1:42:05Brian Redban:I bought my own fucking clone.

1:42:11I have a hot tub in my bathtub.

1:42:15Brian Redban:I do have a hot tub in my bathtub. How'd you know that? I know. That's why I said it. Neil, since this isn't going hilarious from here, let's go the other direction. Tell us about the saddest thing in your life. In your life. Of all time. Like, what's some type of trauma that you're dealing with? What makes you cry?

1:42:36I tend to talk about my parents' deaths a lot.

1:42:40Brian Redban:Yeah, what happened there exactly? My mom died just a month after my dad. And did you eat both of them? Yes. All right. So how did they die? My dad died. It was, like, concussive symptoms, but it was just, like, he was just, like, an old man. He was an old man. And my mom died of leukemia. Okay. But we didn't believe her because she was like a huge... Red band. Red band. Red band. She was a huge hypochondriac, so we didn't believe her. Oh, my God. So your mom was complaining that she was sick with something, and you guys didn't believe her, and then it turns out she had leukemia. Yeah. So you must be dealing with the guilt of that.

1:43:18No, not really. I mean, what the fuck? If I believed her, what would that change? She would have gotten treated for leukemia. No, no, no. Ever heard of chemotherapy? She was already in the hospital. Actually, chemo, she had breast cancer. They gave her chemo. It gave her leukemia. She was in the hospital for cancer and you still did not believe her? Where were you, the cafeteria? Yes. Yes. I'm so sorry. She was always like, I have fibromyalgia. We're like, what are the symptoms? Being mean to me?

1:43:55Brian Redban:Wow. Wow, your mom was mean to you. Yeah. So then, like, yeah, so then she was in the hospital for leukemia, and they were like... It's okay. I don't know who's doing it, but it's great. Yeah, she was in the hospital, and my sister was like, come see her. She's about to die. And we're like, yeah, we'll get there when we get there. And then what happened? I got there, like, as she died. Like, when you say as she died, like, because, like, there's a part where the heart stops. No. So, like, was it, did you make it, or was it just afterwards? and you feel guilty about it. Should I be doing bits or?

1:44:28No. No, she just. I wasn't asking you, dickhead.

1:44:37Yeah, she.

1:44:39Brian Redban:You know, it seems like you're dealing with a lot of trauma here. And I'm going to bring out someone special to talk with you right now. Don't worry. It's not your mom or dad. ladies and gentlemen we have a very special treat make some noise swinging in just to give a quick analysis of the great Neil Rubenstein a very very special treat make some noise for the great and powerful Dr. Drew everybody wow

1:45:11Brian Redban:legend of the game the man the myth we know him we love him the great and powerful Dr. Drew Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, grab Mark Norman's mic there. Or Neil's, whatever. I haven't been using it enough. The great Neil Rubenstein ran late to the death of his mother, and he has problems dealing with it. He says that his mom picked on him, his parents died, and that's why he says he eats himself to death every day. Do you have any advice? He's taking some liberties with the story. So you were there when your mom died? Yeah, we watched. Yeah, we were there. And what happened? No, we just... Jesus Christ. She just died?

1:45:58Yeah, she was like, just wanted her kids around her and we all said goodbye and she asked me to, you know, to make sure I make jokes about leukemia. Well, sometimes when your mom's a C, she does you a favor because when she dies, you don't give a shit. No, she wasn't. Oh, now we're defending them. Well, what am I supposed to do? So, is there a food addiction here? Is that...

1:46:28Brian Redban:I don't know. It's serious shit. Yes. Tell us about the food addiction, Neil. Go ahead. I don't know if it's food. I guess, I don't know. It is. It's food. It's food, bro. It's definitely food. Have there been other addictions? I've fluctuated in my life. I am fat now. I'm also old now. I wasn't always that either. yeah I struggle you seem like a very sensitive man I am a sensitive man I have RSD RSD what's that I have HBO what is that really superb diet yeah no yeah I'm a sensitive guy we're boring everybody to death right now maybe I should meet with him backstage you know what that's actually a great what is RSD though I want to know what is it a rejective Whoa.

1:47:17Brian Redban:Jesus. Wow, the audience is wild here tonight. Some guy just yelled, Regenitive sucking dick. Just to show you the quality of the fan base we have here. He's now bowing. What an asshole.

1:47:34Brian Redban:Guys, make some noise. What just a fun pleasure to get to call him out. Ladies and gentlemen, the legend, the great American, Dr. Drew Bum. Dr. Winski, everybody. This is a legendary show tonight. We do love you. Thank you, Dr. Drew. We're so happy you swung by. You never know who you'll see here. There they go. They're going to have a little session. I'm just kidding. Dr. Drew, go enjoy yourself. You can't help that man. Dr. Drew, the only man who can wear a child's small shirt and make it look good. That's true. Except for us. We do a good job, too. What an episode. Did you guys have fun tonight?

1:48:13Brian Redban:This was so good. You know, there's only one way to end an episode like this. And it is with the reigning, defending Hall of Famer, the record holder for all-time appearances and interviews. A man who some people say is Richard Pryor's favorite comedian. Some people say that when this man sleeps at night, God, yes, go ahead. He dreams about Dane Cookbits. That's right. Some people say that when he wakes up in the morning, Chuck Norris is afraid of him. He's the only guy who wipes his butt after he pees.

1:49:00Brian Redban:A man so hot that he cooks steak on his own thigh. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

1:49:27And that is true, I do wipe my butt after I pee. Anytime I hear someone say, I didn't save my dog, my dog saved me. I'm like, you stole Lassie? Wait, were you drowning?

1:49:45The children's show Sesame Street is celebrating Pride Month, and I'm going to be honest, I had no idea puppets had anuses.

1:49:56How about those people that say, I'd like to order an iced coffee, hold the ice. I want to go up and say, I'd like a blow job, but hold the blow. And they go, wait, what? And then I'm like, I'm sorry, can I fill out an application?

1:50:14And on the eighth day, God created Aphex Twin and Aphex Twin said, no, we just need seven. And God was like, oh my God, he's such a genius. Okay. That's my time, Tony. Thank you. Wow. William Montgomery. Has done it again. Unbelievable.

1:50:37Brian Redban:A long-awaited Apex Twin reference. It's been a while. It's been forever. I started listening to Apex Twin again, Tony. Yeah. You love it. What do you do when you listen to Apex Twin? Have you been rowing? Fuck. Yeah, well, I'm at 980 ,000 meters. So Wednesday, I'm going to hit a million meters, Tony, on the row machine. I got to get my A1C down. I'm pre-diabetic, so that's why I'm doing a million meters on the row machine. Wow. William, this is the first time I've ever seen long short shorts. It's the first time what? Shut up, man. I really didn't hear you. The short shorts? Oh, the short shorts?

1:51:15Brian Redban:William, what's your love life like? Wait, no, William's on every week. Me, we know his love life. That's right.

1:51:28But yeah, Tony, I started and finished a puzzle. I started it Friday, finished it on Sunday. What was the puzzle about? It was a hard one. We are talking. It was the table of a diner. It was a cheeseburger on there. It was two different types of pickles on there.

1:51:45Brian Redban:It was a apple pie. Keep describing the things that were on the puzzle. There was a what? A cheeseburger? Yeah, there was the cheeseburger. I mean, we're also talking apple pie. A couple straws of different colors. Those were kind of hard. Sorry, Tony, I just can't get into it tonight. You can't describe the things that were in the puzzle? I'm trying, but then it's like they were doing, I don't know. What's going on, Willie? I don't really want to get into it right now. No, come on, Willie. Willie. It's just friends here. Well, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, Tony. I haven't told anybody this, but I've been out on the road.

1:52:31Brian Redban:I've been having a great time out on the road, but I've actually turned into a bug chaser. And that's somebody that has unprotected sex with people with like HIV and stuff. And I'm getting my STD results tomorrow. Wow. So seriously, I'm a little worried about it. And I have fucking high blood pressure, high A1C. Uh-huh. I could have HIV. What else? What else might you have? Fuck, I mean, they're thinking maybe a little gonorrhea I know I got herpes, Tony So did it awards Oh my goodness What else? Have you heard of RSD? RSD? Regenerative sucking dick Yeah That was the last guy

1:53:29Brian Redban:Wow When you said you were a bug chaser I thought maybe you were chasing bugs No, it's a If you were going to chase bugs What kind of bugs would you chase? What's your favorite bug? What are your favorite bugs? Oh my gosh, I love little cicadas They make really fun noises in the summertime

1:53:52just cicadas Tony that's all I can think about right now I'm sorry no what else hold on what other bugs do I like beetles

1:54:08red man stop

1:54:13Brian Redban:ladybugs some guy just yelled ladybugs What about... What about lady boys? What's your love life like?

1:54:36Brian Redban:We're doing it, Red Band. Are you excited that there's two of me up here, William? You've done this show more than anybody else. Yes, I've never seen it. I love it, Tony. It really is nice. of two beautiful men up here. It really has been so nice and y 'all are laughing at the same time. It has been so funny. I've loved it. Tony and the Zohan.

1:55:01Brian Redban:It's a little reference. I love it. All right. All right. William, anything else crazy going on that we should know about this one? Just heading to Tampa, Florida. So we'll see how Tampa goes. Oh, boy. Tampa. Tampa. Yep. Huh. Why are you guys cheering for Tampa like that? What are your favorite cities, William? Oh, my gosh. I mean, I really love Portland!

1:55:31Whoa.

1:55:32Brian Redban:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Named a liberal dumpster fire. First. In the middle of Texas. Pocas! Another extremely liberal. Liberal. conservative they love gay stuff oh my god that cigarette's out it's beyond the filter I've never seen someone smoke that far into a cigarette what is wrong with me William anything else why don't you name a few more bugs that you love

1:56:18why did that bitch say Jacksonville he said bugs he's like what kind of bugs I'm trying to think of bugs bitch I don't need to fucking it sure as shit not Jacksonville you stupid bitch for the fucking places I like seriously what the fuck is that you stupid bitch I'm already obviously having a really hard time up here tonight seriously I gotta go to the fucking doctor tomorrow you stupid bitch I almost did a million fucking meters on the row machine. I'm sure your stupid ass couldn't touch that, you stupid bitch. You're probably horribly out of shape. I've been doing it every day, you bitch!

1:56:56Brian Redban:William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. This episode brought to you by Incognito and Tacovas. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman, tell us what's shaking. The pods, you're on tour. What's the website for tickets? Hey, marknormancomedy.com. Get some tapes. Praise Allah. Keep it up. Comedy. The great Ari Shafir, where are you at? Mark Norman's filming a special in November in Boulder, Colorado. Everyone come see that. Wow. Plugging Mark Norman's special taping six months out. Yeah. Are you up to anything? I've got a new podcast called You Be Trippin'. Uh-huh. Got over 20 listeners.

1:57:40Brian Redban:Ari Shafir and Mark Norman. We always love it. The Protect Our Parks boys are in town. Go see them on the road. We love them. We love them. And we love us. We love us. I love me. Come see me on the road. Yes, indeed. Believe it or not, everybody, you're not going to believe this, but this actually isn't me. It's Adam Ray, everyone. Kill Tony, Hall of Famer, guest of the year, multi - multi-character legend and now I must admit this is indeed my new favorite character. Joe Biden, Dr. Phil, I mean fucking Jeremy, Elaine, Adam Ray, and all the greats. And now Tony Hinchcliffe has joined the fray.

1:58:39Brian Redban:Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. I must say, while we've always had a guest of the year, I'd like to announce that this year we will have the first ever host of the year award here on this show. And there are only two nominees and they're both me, everybody. It's me and me. Red Band. Love you guys. We love you. We did it again. You guys were here for another episode of what used to be the number one live podcast in the world and is now the number one comedy show in the world. This is Kill Tony. Thank you.

1:59:44guitar solo

2:00:10The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:00:27Then we talk about Red Band's secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip. One more time for Red Band. Kill Tony merch. What's the website again, Red Band?

2:00:54Unbelievable. We're really doing it, Red Band. Killtonymerch.com for all your Kill Tony merch. Kill merch. Fuck, fuck, Red Man. Oh. My. God.

2:01:15Of course, follow the Kill Tony Band all through Austin. They're playing throughout the week one more time for the best goddamn band in the fucking land.

2:01:31And now we've done all our, uh, don't leak anything. That's right. Everything you see tonight has never been done before. Don't leak anything. Don't say who was on the show. Don't say why my vest looks bigger. Don't say anything about the show. Are you ready to start the fucking show tonight or what?

2:02:07Thank you.

2:02:12Thank you.