#727 - JOE DEROSA + TIM BUTTERLY

18:54Two. Son and a daughter. Wow. came out here.

18:58Brian Redban:They live in Florida? No, they moved here now. They live with me now. So yeah, I finally got to move them out here and it's been dope. Perfect. Are you still with the baby mama? No. So you have your kids just to yourself? No, she's here too. Okay, she's here too. So you guys co-parent. Right, co-parent. And what does she do? Does she pay nails? No, I just pay all the bills. She works at the DMV? I pay everything and she just watches the kids. She just watches the kids? Yeah. Alright, easy living. Red Band's freaking out over here. So she just watches the kids and you're able to support yourself, her, and the kids.

19:32Yeah, yeah. With a comedian, the budget of a comedian. Hell yeah. How do you do it? Explain to these people how you pull it off, J-Legend. Who are you stealing money from?

19:43Nobody, man. I just non-stop work. I work here as a door guy. I get whatever work I get from here. I'm on a road with David Lucas. I feature him sometimes, so that pays a lot of money. I'm out on the road.

19:53Brian Redban:You and David Lucas on the Trying to Support Our Children tour. That's what it's called. It's next year. I want to start. Yeah. It's fucking incredible. What am I doing wrong with my money? I'm single. I have nothing. And every month I'm terrified of being broke. And then I'll meet a waitress who's like, I have six kids. I'm like, I don't understand how it's possible. Well, they're not tripping when they walk out. Big shows. How many video games am I buying? Yeah. Yeah. It's trouble. That's incredible, man. Yeah. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. I can't, like, do what I want at all, but, you know, fuck it.

20:35I nutted in her, so these are the consequences. These are the consequences of nutting in a woman. Tim Butterly. There's probably some money in making a black version of Taken. Yeah. And calling it Took.

20:49You guys have a good night. Yeah. It's a movie about you and wallets I thought it was like a slavery thing But cool Oh well it really plays both ways Look already happened That guy Todd he's got a movie coming out It's called Bacon

21:15Brian Redban:Oh shit So Jay tell us what's something crazy That you do for fun when you're getting away from the kids and the baby mama and everything. What's something other than stand-up comedy? What do you do for like a little release? Do you have any hobbies? I don't know. One time I got like, I did some mushrooms and I wrote a song. That was fun. Wow. Yeah. You like wrote the lyrics to a song? Hell yeah, bro. I was, okay, so I was going through the first breakup with my baby mama and we were moving out of the apartment and she just like took the kids and moved in with her mom and left me in the house.

21:45And I did mushrooms after an open mic. And I came home and I couldn't sleep at like 2 in the morning. So I wrote a song. That was fun. How does the song go? Do you remember it? Yeah. Come on, tell us.

21:56Brian Redban:How many of you want to hear Jay's song? Jay Legend making his musical debut here live at the mothership in front of millions of people. That's crazy. And here we go. So she left me. I was single at the time. I was hurt. So these are the lyrics. The song is called Bags and Boxes. It's called Bags and Boxes? Yeah, because that's all she left me with. Oh, she packed bags and boxes. All right, cool. All right, here we go. Okay, Bags and Boxes, coming up. Not going to be good. You left me alone and afraid, and you left me here to deal with this pain, and you left me with a pictureless frame and all I have to my name are the bags and boxes you left me did I do this alone and you left me and what I thought was my home and you left me And everything is all gone And all I have to my name I love it.

23:10It's better than a modern-day Will Smith, that's for sure. Bags and boxes. So I was broke as fuck. I didn't have nothing but bags and boxes and some mushrooms. I love it. Those are some good mushrooms. Fucking write a song when you hurt. Those are great mushrooms because that song fucking sucks, dude. Hey, keep matching. You left me. Tony, don't make fun of my hurt, man.

23:39Brian Redban:Aw, that's adorable. Jay, great stuff, fun times, red band. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Hell yeah, I'll be there. I appreciate you, dog. You already have a big joke book, right? Yep. Jay Legend. And back to the bucket we go, everybody. This looks like a... Oh, my God. We know what that sound means. It is indeed the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. My goodness. Wow. With bags and boxes, you left me. It's actually kind of catchy. He sucks at singing, but if a real singer sang that, that'd be great. You left me. All right. ladies and gentlemen make some noise for your next bucket poll we're gonna meet them all together it is Ram B Ram B hello hello hello so I was recently in Wisconsin anybody from Wisconsin in the house all right normally normally there is which is crazy so uh I played a new game called uh do hard drugs and see who turns to Jesus first.

24:57Yeah, I hadn't played this game yet. I was at the bar. One girl that was like 40. I'm 47. She was another girl that was like 25. We go back to the apartment. We hanging out. They doing lines and shit. Talking about, oh yeah, you should see my white veil that I go to church in. Oh my God, you go to St. Bernard's? I go to St. Oh my God, Augustine? We should go together. And I'm like, you know what? I think Ram B just won the great game of see who turns to Jesus first. because I just did a little bit. They was doing rails and went all the way, you know? Yeah, my daughter said she saw Jesus at her bedside once, and I thought it was a Mexican dude named Jesus and his protective father.

25:34I was ready to throw hands, you know? I was ready to go for it. Then I realized I had to ask, hey, you got to ask Jesus a question. I don't know how you're here because I definitely pulled out, you know? Thank you, appreciate it.

25:46Brian Redban:All right, Ram B. You know, I'm still thinking about the song you just sang for us a second ago.

25:57Brian Redban:It's starting to grow on me a little bit. With bags and boxes, you left me. Hey, hey.

26:15This show is out of control, ladies and gentlemen. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's a different guy, everybody. It's a different guy. That's a new one. I'm going to have to download that one. The funny thing is I do rap and sing, which is hilarious to me because I wasn't expecting that standing back there. I have no idea what you just said. Ram B, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Since 2021, so four years, about. Since 20 what? 2021, so about four years. Okay, four years. What do you do for work? I used to do a lot of physical jobs, like machining and stuff like that, but now I'm actually doing like phone customer service.

26:54Phone customer service? Yeah, yeah. You do that from home or you do that from like an office? I just started, so it'll be an office, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. All right. Real cool. Yeah. Okay. And what was the job that you had right before? How long have you been doing that? I'm like a weekend. A weekend. Yeah, I just started. I'm in training, you know what I'm saying? Right. I got it. So what was the job you were doing right before that? I was moving people's apartments, like moving. Oh, shit. Yeah. Damn, that's funny. I know you looked at me like you don't look like you can lift a couch. Uh-uh.

27:21No, it doesn't. No, it was too back-breaking, and I got a bad back, so I said, all right, I'm done with that, you know? Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Okay, Ram B, what's your love life like? I am single. Yeah. I had a girl for a while, then moved to Austin to do comedy, and she didn't want to come, so.

27:39Brian Redban:So she's up in Wisconsin? Yeah, and that's no longer a thing. We don't talk, so. How long has it been since you talked? February. February. You miss her? Honestly, yeah. But, you know, not enough to care right now. You know what I mean? I'm gonna kill Tony. I'm not thinking about that. You know what I'm saying? Right? I got bigger fists to fry. You feel me? Bags and boxes.

28:08Bags and boxes. Bags and boxes. Hell yeah. Ram B's getting into it. All right. All right. All right. Bags and boxes. Joe DeRosa. I'm not gonna be able to sleep because that fucking song. It's going to be crazy. I'm going to be in a padded room six years from now. You left me with bags and boxes. God damn it. It is getting catchier by the minute. It turns out if anybody other than J Legend singing it makes it a perfect song.

28:44Brian Redban:Ram, have you ever written a song or done anything other than stand-up comedy? Do you have any other talents? Yeah, I actually rapped for about 25 years. Oh, no fucking way. We got to hear you rap, dude. It's not going to be funny. It's just going to be... We want to hear... Yeah, is it an original? You have your own raps? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's get a little beat from Michael. Let's see. It'll be kind of slash rapping and singing. It'll be more... Whatever you want, but just give them the one, two, three, four. It'll be like...

29:21I call my baby. Oh, shit. She didn't pick up. I'm sitting in a forte. I ain't got no pickup. She ripped my heart out. Oh, we got glory. I'm singing the same song as many before me. But you left me With bags and boxes You left me Hey! Bags and boxes Bags and boxes Bags and boxes Bags and boxes Motherfucking bags and boxes That's a little joke book Ram B Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Oh yeah We're flying through it here tonight. We're having a good old time. Fun times, Ram. Come back. Sign up again sometime. We're going to keep it moving. We having fun here tonight, huh? Alright. I think you guys all understand what the show is.

30:25Anything can happen, and it's completely retarded. Alright, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Darren Jones, everybody. One minute uninterrupted for Darren Jones. Oh, wow.

30:54I don't know what's going on.

30:59Must be a black bang or some shit. All right, that's cool.

31:11But I heard they put, um, aborted fetuses in some vaccines. That shit tripped me out when I first heard it. I'm like, damn, man, I'm glad I didn't get that shot. I had a blended baby in my motherfucking arm, boy. Like, depending on, like, who got the abortion, you gonna have the essence of a trauma-filled bitch and an unwitted seed in your motherfucking vein. Shit, what the fuck my circadian rhythm up? nigga wouldn't have been able to get no motherfucking sleep but human beings they fucking resilient though it was this dude who was protesting climate change and he set his cell phone fire i'm like damn what's the people who blocked the road to do that shit

32:03Fuck yeah, Darren Jones. That's a good one. I think the first joke kind of like got unheard or something. We were all laughing at the fact that you're black. It's a thing. It's a thing. The property values in the bucket are plumbing.

32:32And then...

32:37Ooh! Man, I rapped the last time I was up here, too, and I seen a black guy rapping coming out. I'm like, aw, shit. Yep. Yep. My favorite thing I've ever seen on this show was when the third Black Dude in a Row came out, you reached in the bucket and started feverishly mixing it up, As if that was gonna defect it.

33:03Did you over-season the bucket tonight?

33:13Does this bucket say KFC on it somewhere?

33:20Joe, what the fuck, man? Shit, I'm sorry. I have a special coming out. I'm sorry. So, Darren Jones, welcome to the show, my friend. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half. Close to three, probably. Years. Yes. Okay. Where are you from? Dayton, Ohio, man. The best city in the fucking states, dude.

33:42Brian Redban:We know it very well. How long have you been in Austin? Since January of last year. Since January of last year. What made you move to Austin? Comedy. You wanted to do comedy. Yes, sir. Hell yeah. What made you wait so long to start doing open mics after moving in January of last year? I started right away. You mean January of this year, then? No, last year. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, I got up here. It's like September. Yep. Got it. Got it. What do you do for a living? I work in a fencing yard. You work in fencing? Yeah, I manage a fencing yard, yeah. A fencing yard. so you're in charge of putting up fences.

34:22Yeah, I work the shit out to Mexicans. Okay. Oh, I thought he meant, like, and one sword farting. Yeah. Could be. Could be. It's amazing. Dude, your comedy is... I thought it was great, man. And I think, like, the fact that you're one of the most natural comics I've ever seen. Like, you figured out the hard part, and the jokes were funny. Like, I feel like you got a nice road ahead of you, man. For real. I really need that. I appreciate it, man. Yeah. Yeah. I just got to stay more consistent. But if you have a song...

34:54Brian Redban:Have you ever written a song, Darren Jones? I wrote a lot of songs. Wow! What is happening tonight? This is amazing. This is the first time ever where all the bucket pools have been the exact same human being. It's never happened before. Over 700 episodes. Normally, people are different sometimes. Sometimes it's people with different stories and lives, but not tonight. Just slightly different hairstyles from the bucket pools. Perhaps there's a wig person. What would we call them? Predator. I don't know. I don't know. Red band. Unbelievable. Now, the more important question is, do you have a song you can sing that we can then hijack and turn into bags and boxes?

35:44My friend, you can turn any song into bags and boxes.

35:49Brian Redban:It's possible to do with anything. So what is a song that you, it's an original song that you've written. Yeah. Okay. I got to think of one though, man. Okay. While you think about it, I'm going to ask you some more questions. What's your love life like? I'm single, man. Single? Yeah. Have you been hooking up with some random girls in Texas? Oh, yeah. I got a couple of them. So how does that happen? Where do you meet a girl? Where does a guy like Darren Jones meet a girl? Oh, I met one at the... I don't remember where I met these hoes. I think I met one actually walking down here somewhere close to this...

36:27On the street. The campus, yeah.

36:29Brian Redban:So on the street. And what do you say to somebody when you meet them? How you doing? Saying shit everybody else, say something. Wow. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you do to these thick white women that you're saying? Am I right? Are they thick white women that you're having sex with? Nah, I wish. I need some big pussy. Right. So you're with black women? One Mexican, one other one Mexican. Oh, they're both Mexican. One Mexican, the other one Mexican. One Mexican, the other one. Big suspense, wait for it. Mexican. But one California Mexican, the other one Mexico Mexican. Oh, shit.

37:15They're both about to be back in Mexico, Mexico. Because we are cracking down. Sorry, horn players. Shit is going down. All right. What is it about Mexican women that you like so much? We ain't got a lot of them in Ohio, man. So shit. You are correct, Ohio. Yeah, it's like, Like, Benihana's, you don't always want the same flavor, you know what I'm saying? You might like vanilla every time, but shit, I like to switch it up, you feel?

37:43Brian Redban:My friend, I'm not only a fan of what you're saying, but I'm also a fan of Benihana's. I appreciate the Benihana's explanation there. Even at Benihana's, sometimes steak, sometimes shrimp. I'll catch it in my mouth. Right from the chef's paddle. Okay, so just me connecting with my new black friend, Darren Jones. Darren, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? Shit. Probably my mentality, really. Explain what you mean by that. I love that answer. Explain to these white people that drove 45 minutes from their ranches in the country what exactly you mean by black mentality. I know y 'all know the word, but y 'all don't know it like that.

38:28I'm a nigga to the core, man. Oh, I love it. Keep going. Keep going, Darren. You're just scratching the surface here. When you say to the core...

38:44Brian Redban:Explain to these innocent whites what you mean. Oh, man. Damn. How can I explain being a nigga? Oh, this is perhaps the greatest moment in the show's history out of nowhere right now. No, no. don't go to John D. No, John, I'm not letting you take over. I want a pure answer from Darren, and then we'll check in with John D's, what he expects the... Show DeRosa. This is about to be the best TED talk I've ever heard.

39:17Okay, go ahead. What do you mean by to the core? It just means I'm black as fuck, man. Wouldn't want to be any other thing. You know what I'm saying? You think of the stereotypical black man. I like watermelon chicken.

39:30Brian Redban:Oh, hell yes. I love all that shit. You know what I'm saying? You like sleeping in late? I wish I could, but I love it. Hell, if I could, hell yeah. I'd like to be late every day if I could, too. But shit, I guess I ain't that fucking black because I'm on time, baby. So we're finding out. We're finding out you're not quite as black as you thought you were. Hey, man, don't be so hard on yourself. What's your credit score? Yeah, what do we got for a credit score? Like 720. Wow. Oh, the crowd goes wild 720, ladies and gentlemen. Better than Joe DeRosa's. He's got no kids. Absolutely.

40:11But I do own a ColecoVision. Sorry. I forgot it. All right. So, Darren, have you thought about the original song? Yeah. You just give us a line or two from it? This one I was like, I'd say about 21. I'm 37 now, so this is a 16-year-old song. Wow, Red Band's immediately attracted to it. 16-year-old song. It's right in your hand. Like Asian girls. It's true. Y 'all want the hook? Let's do it. Okay. It's about selling dope, so. Oh, I love it. I love selling dope. Let's go. It was, if you need a quick fix, you know where to get it. You know I supply it with that shit up in my kitchen. The shit up in my kitchen is that shit that I be whipping.

41:03Equations to how I weighs it, I doubles my coefficient. If you know math, then you probably get it. Divide the blow, never subtract money, always addition. Emerald the chef in the kitchen with this yay that I'm whipping. I'm a mathematician with this coat that I'm flipping. Hell yeah. Absolutely.

41:26He's rapping about crack and crack rocks. Let's bring it back to Bags and Boxes.

41:40All right. Fantastic. Fun times. Darren, here's a little joke book. Fun times. Sign up again. Come back. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. Bags and boxes. She left me. With bags and boxes. She left me. All right. This appears as though the name will set us apart and break the streak. It's almost disappointing at this point. But let's see what happens here. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Johnny Morni, everybody. Johnny Morni. All right.

42:23Hi, I'm Johnny Mockney. I'm a teacher during the day. That's my day job. I teach high school seniors. They're eight years younger than me. It's weird being so close in age to your kids because they know your weaknesses, you know? Like, I had a kid show up ten minutes late for class, and before I could say anything, he was like, Mockney, mark me tardy if you're gay. I was like, fuck! I was like, you win this one, kiddo. And they get involved in your personal life, too. Like, a bunch of my kids found out that I had this breakup because the picture of my girlfriend disappeared from my desk. So they're all like, Machney, what happened to your girlfriend?

43:01Don't worry, Machney, we'll find you a new girl. We'll hook you up with someone. I was like, guys, guys, that's what parent-teacher conferences are for. I'm gonna fuck all your moms.

43:15I've been clocking this class since day one. I know who doesn't have a dad. I'm a little aware. I know who doesn't have a dad, and I know who has two cool moms. So that's my time. Thank you.

43:31Johnny Mockney. I see. Those are ours. Your C's look like ours the way you write them. You do that on purpose? No, no, no. Has anyone told you that your C's look like ours? No, you're the first, but this is a huge credit for it. It's a big deal. It's a big deal. Okay, Johnny. What do you teach exactly? I teach AP Lit. AP Lit. At a high school? High school, yeah. Wow. And you are. You're a young guy for that job, right? And that's here in Austin? No, that's back in Michigan. Oh, you work in Michigan. So they have young people teaching young people there. There's a shortage. Where exactly in Michigan?

44:13Lansing area. Okay. And that's where you're from?

44:16Brian Redban:That's where you've lived your whole life, obviously? I moved around a lot as a kid, but that's where I settled. Okay. Sorry. No, it's okay. A fly just hit me in the head really hard. So hard that it actually blew my head back. I've been assaulted by a fly. It won that round. But I will get it by the end of the day. So, Johnny, how long have you been doing stand-up? About eight years. Eight years. Okay. And what do you do for fun, Johnny? Tell us about your life. You seem like the kind of guy that likes to fucking let it rip. Definitely never written a song before. Never written a song. Right, exactly.

44:51No, I gosh, I mean, I do stand up, go to the movies. I go to the movies alone sometimes. I think it's better alone. I fun sneaks up on me, Tony. I don't know. I can't I wish I knew. That's a weird thing to say. Yeah, yeah. Fun sneaks up on you. What the fuck does that mean? What exactly do you mean by that? I'm trying to say I don't know what my hobbies are on paper. I think they just... What ethnicity are you? You appear to have some kind of Asian-esque eyes. Yeah, I'm half Thai. Half Thai, and the other half is? Polish, Polak. Okay. There's one class. The tie pull. Yes. You're a tie pull. Yeah.

45:50The rare tie pull. Yeah. Do you ever feel extra tie? Are there times where you feel like you're Thai? No, well, I think the Asian and Polish cancel each other out, so I'm like okay at math. You know, like it's... That's true. I can see why that would work, yeah. How are you at driving? Decent at driving. Decent. Yeah, yeah. Totaled my car only once. Right, yeah. That's about 50%. 50 % tie. Most Thai people total their car twice when they're your age. Yeah, yeah. Okay, Johnny. I thought I really enjoyed your material quite a bit. Thank you. I thought it was great. But this is a real question. You can come on a show like this and say wild shit like that, and you don't have to worry about your job?

46:37He does. He has to worry about it. We'll find out. Michigan, also. You were like, I know what I'll do. I'll fly to Austin and get away with it. Yeah, that's right. No, you won't.

46:51Brian Redban:Well, luckily, a lot of people in Lansing, Michigan, don't have Wi-Fi, so it's an absolute dreadful place. If you bounced around a lot, what made you land in Lansing, Michigan? Well, I'm from DeWitt, Michigan, which is by there, and then we moved to, like, we were in Texas for, like, a year or two. We were there. We were in Mississippi, Chicago, and then I was in Thailand, actually, for like two and a half years. You move around a lot. Yeah, yeah. A lot of bags and boxes one time. Yeah, yeah. Oh, D-Madness is back, everybody. You say Michigan three times, D-Madness pops up out of nowhere. I love it.

47:27Johnny, tell us one more thing absolutely crazy about your life that makes you different, that people would find interesting. There's an... You know HGTV? there's an episode of House Hunters International about my family when we moved to Thailand it's called Returning the Thai Roots it's my one TV credit so yeah you can look that up they okay I don't know if I'm allowed to say this you bought the house before they filmed the episode like you're already in the house you have to make it look vacant so I was like 11, 12 years old I put all my stuff in drawers and then we pretended we were looking at it for the first time wow Now, it was when you were 11?

48:08I was, it was 2012. Oh, okay, I would have been 13 at the time, yeah. What makes you think you're not allowed to speak about what went on behind the scenes at HGTV? What do you think the consequences of that might be versus you being a man that handles young children coming on a show like this? I think your concerns are out of whack right now, Johnny. That's fair. I'm afraid the Property Brothers will come fuck me up I guess, I don't know How long are you in town for? Till July 8th I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday Wow, look at that, Red Band Booking

48:46Brian Redban:Real human beings on real shows Johnny Fun times, here's a big joke book Congratulations, there you go Johnny Morky Morky, how fun Well, ladies and gentlemen, we are at the part of the show where I am going to ignore the next bucket pool and bring up an unbelievable golden ticket winner, perhaps one of the people's absolute favorites of all time. He is back in town from Toronto, Canada, where he lives, where he spends most of his time famously eating ramen noodles. this is the return of Kansai Yasuga!

49:39Arigato. Hi guys. I'm a bilingual. I speak Japanese and English. And I feel like I have a different personality in each language that I speak. like English Kansai is more confident but Japanese Kansai is like more it's like a little pervert like for example when I see a beautiful woman walking on the street English Kansai goes I want to hit that ass but Japanese Kansai goes I want to get onto crowded Japanese train and casually tap that ass.

50:34When I'm having a sex, English guy goes, I wanna pound you all night until you break down, girl. And Japanese Kansai goes, I have a work tomorrow. That's my time. Thank you. Kansai Yasuda has done it yet again.

51:03Brian Redban:The little Japanese-Canadian hybrid hero of the show. We love Kansai. A master at the interview portion A man with calculated, crisp answers to every single question. Yes. A legend. A legend of the game. He spends, for those of you that don't know, spends hours a day sitting in a ramen restaurant in Toronto, Canada, slowly sipping hot broth. And sometimes he will grab chopsticks and deliver actual physical embodiments into his mouth. and then chew them and swallow them. Am I correct, Conce? Yes, yes. That is what you love to do. You love that more than what? More than my... Almost got in real trouble there for a second.

51:56But my girlfriend works there. I know. So best of both worlds. Everything is there. Everything is there in Tondoram. Now, let me ask you something. Very famously, the last time you were on the show, we did a thing that we do sometimes where we read Yelp reviews, and we famously read the Yelp reviews of your favorite ramen place, Ryukyu Shinmen Tondo Ramen. You say it best. Say it to that camera over there, that blue light. And action. Action. Ryukyu Shinmen Tondo Ramen. Yes, everybody loves it.

52:37Brian Redban:So, since we read those reviews, Word on the street is that it's kind of blown up a little bit. Have you noticed it getting busier? It brew up. It brew up. It brew up. It brew up. It brew up big time. It brew up. It's just like my country. Yes. Yes. It's not the first time Americans have blown up a Japanese location. That's a really good point. Did I mention now's a good time to invest in Halliburton, everybody? So Kansai, you're seeing it. You're seeing people come in, and do people recognize you since you're famous for sitting there? Yeah, they come, and then they say hi. It's a lot of Kill Tony fans coming in there.

53:20Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

53:21Brian Redban:Is the owner happy with me? Owner's happy, yeah. He's like, Tony. Yeah, I love that. That's what I love. Yeah. That's exactly what I love. Yeah. Amazing. And your girlfriend's happy about it? My girlfriend's happy. Yeah, she's the only Filipino, and half Filipino in a restaurant, so it's very easy to recognize. Right. And I... Well, for some people. Yeah. Yeah. What's that? That's a good point. Really good point. Great point. So we have some reviews here, current reviews of Ryuku, Shinmin, Tondo, Ramen. One five-star review from Jordan F. My friend Tony recommended me to try this place. You need to try it if you're in the area.

54:15Brian Redban:Derek L., five stars, one month ago. Went there recently on a work trip. Was recommended by my good friend Tony. Love this place so much. Okay. All right. Joe R., one month ago, five stars. If it is good enough for Kansai, it will be good enough for you. My friend Tony said you will not leave hungry. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Jason at five stars one month ago. Great food and great service. I really enjoyed my visit. Thanks to Tony for the recommendation.

54:48Just to be short, can we see if any of these guys are also reviewing bathhouses?

54:55Brian Redban:Thank you to our friends Tony and Kansai for the recommendation. John K. one month ago said, I heard about this place from some guys named Tony, Brian, and Gansai. Everyone should be going here for ramen. The whole place is absolutely incredible. Eating here is just the golden ticket. Heidi and the band are planning on coming soon, too. Wow. Our fans are completely insane. Let's go. Wow. Absolutely incredible. So this is happening. Are there any one-star reviews recently? No. Let's see. That's how we normally do this. just five. Sometimes you have to balance the scales a little bit. Yeah, there it is.

55:33Brian Redban:Click on that thing. Ooh. Oh, no recent ones. It's all old. All of them are six years ago or more. Absolutely incredible, Kansai. Yeah! Wow. Yes. Thank you. Thank you, guys. So tell us, what else has been happening, Kansai? Anything else going on in your life that you're excited about? I am going I'm going on tour. Oh, you're going on tour. Where are you going to go? Canada. Oh, wow. You live in Canada. Very exciting. But you're doing other cities in Canada. Yeah, all the cities in Canada. Right. Thank you. Edinburgh. Edinburgh? Edmonton. That's the UK. Ottawa. Vancouver. Vancouver. Victoria. Calgary.

56:22Calgary. Calgary. Calgary. Calgary. Uh, uh, Oshawa. Oshawa. Uh-huh. Yes. Uh, uh, New... Newfoundland. Newfoundland. Newfoundland. Newfoundland. Oh. Halifax. Halifax. Uh... You ever perform stand-up in Japanese? In Japanese, it's really hard for me. It's really hard for you? Yeah, I'm not funny in Japanese. Okay.

56:54Brian Redban:But you say you're bilingual, so you can talk in Japanese. It's just hard to be funny in Japanese? Yeah, it's a different type of humor. Right. Yeah. Plus all the bowing fucks up the timing. Yeah. Do you have any jokes in Japanese? Can you do one short joke in Japanese? Okay. Yeah, go ahead. Ladies and gentlemen, performing in Japanese. In Japanese. This is Kansai Yasuda.

57:23I'm a Korean and a Japanese half, but I'm not going to eat anything. Super Asian. Ah. Kansai, Kansai, Kansai. Very good, Kansai. Another amazing performance.

57:46Brian Redban:You are truly one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. Enjoy your Canadian tour and your newfound fame and your delicious ramen. They give it to you for free now, right? Free ramen, yes, every day. Every day. We're feeding them, people. I'm getting fire. Kansai Yasuda. Reaping the benefits. Check out my tour, please. How do people get tickets to your Canadian tour? Go to my Instagram. What? Wait, what did you say? Go to your what? Instagram. Instagram. Instagram. Instagram. Yeah. Kansai comedy. Kansai comedy. That's K-A-N-S-E-I. Very good, yes. Comedy. One more time for Kansai. You suit that, ladies and gentlemen.

58:36Back to the bucket we go. I pulled one of the names of a young lady. Ooh, la la. Heidi. Oh my goodness gracious How about one more time For the lovely Heidi ladies and gentlemen

58:55Brian Redban:This young lady was pulled out of the bucket In Phoenix Arizona years ago It's been a while since she's been on the show This is very exciting Make some noise for Celia Contreras Ladies and gentlemen

59:14So I own a rape whistle. Because I like to blast off a little tune before I get started.

59:25I went hitchhiking recently and all my friends and family said stupid ass shit to me. They're like, what if you get raped or kidnapped? Y 'all see me, right? If somebody raped or kidnapped me, that motherfucker earned it. Do you know how hard it is for guys to fuck me with my consent? I have to spread my legs as far as I can, send them down there with a Call of Duty headset and give them directions.

59:57You're gonna go six clicks to the north.

1:00:02You're gonna go through the main tunnel. The two smaller tunnels on either side are dead ends. And at the end of the night, they still jizz on my thigh, and at that point, I just want them to go home. So I'm like, good job, soldier. He did your country prop.

1:00:20Wow.

1:00:21Brian Redban:Exactly a minute. Celia Contreras is back on the show. Hello, Celia. How are you? I'm going through a lot right now. Okay. But it's not good. Okay. All right. I wasn't supposed to be here. I was supposed to fly back to Phoenix. I live there. I moved back. But my friend fucked me over, ghosted the show he asked me to be on. So I was supposed to leave Saturday or Sunday, and now I'm here till Friday. Okay. And then you're going to Phoenix. Yeah. And you're going to do a show there. Well, I live there now. Oh, you live there now. Yeah. Okay. So you're back in Phoenix. Yeah. I love Austin and I love Texas, but my heart belongs to Arizona.

1:01:04I'm sorry. Right. That makes sense. What do you love about Arizona? What exactly is it? Well, I didn't know what the dry heat was until I came here. Uh-huh. That's part of it. But also, I'm smarter than everybody in Arizona because we're 49th in education. Right. Right. So I just kind of miss shitting on everybody in Arizona.

1:01:26Brian Redban:That makes sense. That makes sense. And that's Phoenix where you live? Yeah, I'm in Phoenix now. I'm born and raised Flagstaff, Arizona. Okay. Very good. You're fantastic at comedy. Remind us, how long have you been doing it? My nine year anniversary was in May. Okay. Nine years. And what, uh... Thank you. How do you survive solely off of comedy? Stand-up, doing stand-up? For the last two years, yes. And the kindness of strangers and friends. And also selling titty pics to lonely men online. Wow. Okay. What does a titty pic from Celia Contreras run exactly? Like, here's the thing. It's the same with my tarot card readings.

1:02:10Like, it's like, if you're lonely enough, if I think you're gonna kill yourself, it's free. Okay. And it's legal to be topless in downtown Austin. So there's some people who like, it's like this motherfucker needs a win. They're not the best titties, but here you go. Right.

1:02:28Brian Redban:Okay. Wow. You are - But lately,$25 to$50 online. Joe's about to kill himself here. Dude, I love Joe. We had a heart to heart about Lord of the Rings. Wow. Ooh. He's trying to get in your Mordor, dude.

1:02:51Just sign the guest book on the way out. We talked about Lord of the Rings, but I said that I was not a huge fan, correct? You want me to lie for you right now? No. Oh. What did I say about Lord of the Rings, though? Dude, you told me to watch the one with the shadows in the background. Yeah, the cartoon from the 70s. Yeah, no, and I'm halfway through that, and I fucking love it. But the thing is, like, I need to pay... It's only an hour long. I'm troubled that you had to split it up into parts.

1:03:23To be fair, by the time I have to watch it, we all know I'm an alcoholic. I drank Tony's Crown.

1:03:28Brian Redban:That is true. Yeah. But, like, I can't process new... Like, I can't watch something new if I'm writing jokes and or if I'm trying to fall asleep. Otherwise, I'll stay up all night trying to watch it. Okay. Or I'll just completely miss the show. So I've actually tried to re-watch it like four times. And I love it, but I'm trying to write jokes. You could just set aside time to watch something. Are you writing... I mean, comedy is very funny. Thank you. So if that's what it takes, then that's great. Well, it's comedy in my major journal because I have bipolar disorder. Okay. So I have to fill that out where I'm keeping track of how much alcohol I have.

1:04:09And I normally do good until about 8 p.m. That's how most alcoholics are Yeah 8pm I know what I am Yeah I'm working on it No, that makes sense Did you say you also do tarot card readings? I do tarot card readings I can kind of do a palm reading And, yeah Oh shit, what do we got here? This is your dominant hand This is my dominant hand May I? Please Ow Wow. Sorry. That's my hitchhiking thumb. I might have to hitchhike back home after Friday. We'll play by Aaron. But this, this is your lifeline. Mm-hmm. So it's pretty long. Sweet. So at the very least, you're not going to die at least until your 60s or 70s.

1:04:55Let's go. Wow. All right. This is your romance line. I don't know your relationships at all, but it's kind of like on this weird linear path. It should go here. Well, it's kind of going this way, but that's a faint line. Does it say anything about possibly getting my dick sucked by my wife tonight?

1:05:18No. Fuck! Damn. So close. These three lines here say you'll have at least three kids. I do have three kids. Wow. Look at that. Hey, come over here. Read Red Band's Lifeline real quick. I'm really curious. Tell me I am too fat to walk over there and look at Red Band. Red Band, go over there real quick. I want to know, I got to know what his lifeline's looking like. For those of you that don't follow him on Instagram, he posts pictures of every disgusting meal that he eats,

1:05:47Brian Redban:which is every night in the middle of the night. Always sugary, lots of carbs. He can't stop posting about it, even though I make fun of him every single day about it. He'll literally post, oh, my girlfriend made me fried donuts at 3 a.m. So I just can't imagine. How long is that lifeline? Red Ben doesn't have a lifeline, he's a drive-through line.

1:06:14Brian Redban:What are we looking at, Celia? Real quick, Red Ben, do you have your affairs in order? No, like, you have, like, five splayed lifelines, but, like, they don't get to here, so... You might die sooner than you want to. That's one possibility. But it could mean you'll live longer, but you're just gonna have a fuckton of, like, health problems. perfect so like we're talking heart disease a fly just flew out of his ear is that a good sign also i missed you guys come on back red band you look fantastic look at this in and out bag coming towards me absolutely incredible there you go sit down celia fun times anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on um well a lot of crazy shit but like i'm not gonna bore them with it because it's Crazy for me, not for them.

1:07:08I love it. But, Tony, can I ask you a question? Okay. I meant you to sign my Marriott card from when we went to Celebrity Theater, but could you sign this wristband for me? Okay. Yep. I'd really appreciate it. Thank you. Yes, absolutely.

1:07:24You hate to see a wristband drop in value like that. It's instructions on... You're now her emergency contact at her rehab facility.

1:07:36Brian Redban:Celia, here's a big joke book. You got it? I'm going to try to aim it right at those fucking money bags. There you go. Yeah, you see that? That's how you do it. You just fucking... Sometimes you got to use the old bread baskets there. One more time for Celia Contreras, everybody.

1:07:57All right, we're having fun in here tonight. Okay. We're going to meet your next bucket pool all together. It goes by the name of Joe Ellis. Joe Ellis. Joe Ellis.

1:08:14My name is Joe Ellis. I have served in the military for 16 years as a Black Hawk pilot. Yep. Happy Pride, I've been fired by President Trump. He said, you're fired. Yep. So I figured I'd start my career in stand-up comedy. I hear it's very lucrative, so here I am. First time signing up, and this is exciting. I'm not sure if you could tell that I was trans. I'm always kind of self-conscious about my voice. I figured it'd give me away. But men I've been with lately actually said it was my dick. Yep, so that answered that question. Being fired is not the only surprise I've had this year. I was also accused of crashing my Blackhawk into an airliner in D.C.

1:08:59Back in January. I don't know if you all saw that. It kind of blew up online. There it is. Yep. Yeah, trans terrorists that committed a murder-suicide killing 67 people, including myself. And during the doxing process, when I was number two on Twitter that weekend, they found out I'm converting to Judaism. And so, trans and Jewish, if you haven't noticed, my hobby lately is collecting identities that people hate. Thank you. Holy shit. Joe Ellis, I have a thousand questions.

1:09:30Brian Redban:I'm so excited you're here. Let's check in with Tim Butterly first, Tim. It's just a crying shame that the military let a female Black Hawk pilot go just for having a white cock. Yeah. That's a great point. You are a powerful, powerful presence, Joe Ellis. Welcome to the show. How long were you in the military for? 16 years. 16 years. And you really got released recently? I am currently in the process of separation. And how exactly were you informed why or how that happens? They said, hey, you're a tranny. You're getting fucking kicked out. Is that true? I mean, they didn't say it like that, but the executive order came out, and they said all trans out of the military, and I was one of them.

1:10:21So 16 years, do you get, like, all your benefits and stuff? Is it kind of like a good separation? Not really. Really? What's the downside? Can you kind of explain it to us? Because we have no idea how it works. I'm being discharged under a code that means I'm a national security concern. Interesting. Same thing that they discharged gay people out of during prior, you know, don't ask, don't tell. So how long, you've been in the military 16 years. How long of that were you a female? Does this make sense? It does. So I transitioned in 2023 during the Biden administration when it was allowed. And then the new administration came in.

1:11:01They said, sorry, but because you did that, now you're disqualified. So when you say that you transitioned, does that mean, like, you just let your hair grow out? Like, what exactly does that mean? Yeah. I started hormones. I call them my titty skittles. They grew these. These are a natural. Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. And then I got a face surgery, which I paid out of pocket for all this. $60 ,000 for this beautiful face. Right. Yeah. Okay. And I've been shopping for vaginas lately, but I haven't done that yet. What is the shopping process for vaginas like exactly? It's crazy because I still kind of have like a guy brain.

1:11:42So like I shop it like I'm shopping for cars on Facebook Marketplace. Yeah. Like, you know, I'm just like, oh, check out this one. I found out there's two types. Uh-huh. There's a full depth and a no depth. Oh, why would anyone want a no depth? I don't know, because it's like getting a Lamborghini without an engine. Yeah.

1:11:58Brian Redban:What the fuck? It's like having a little kitty inflatable pool in your backyard instead of the deep dive with a diving board. Joe DeRosa is freaking out right now. We're going to let him ask this question. It's hard as a rock right now. Can I beg you? Can I beg you to not get the vagina? Don't ruin this beautiful thing you've done. Keep the wonderful cock. I mean... That's awesome. Thank you. Thank you. It does play well in certain demographics. Yeah. Like, bi women, men in their 40s. Bi demographic. All right. We'll talk. Yeah. Joe DeRosa famously got his dick sucked at Skank Fest. Hand job. Oh, no.

1:12:40That's not the story we heard. Actually, it was. Yeah. You got a... Wait, you gave it a blowjob, right? No, no, no. No, you gave a blowjob. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. I would tell you. I would tell you. I have no shame. Right. It's okay. You don't have to just make noises just because you're excited now. I have questions for you, Joe Ellis.

1:13:01Brian Redban:So I've always wondered what this thing is like. So first of all, when did you start to think that you're a woman? Was it when you were a kid or is it something that... Yeah, so five years old I had symptoms, but because I grew up in a conservative, homeschooled religious household, my dad worked for Pat Robertson at CBN, that kind of environment. Yeah, that's extreme. I didn't know what it was. I just thought it meant I was a bad person. Right. And then when I was in army training in Sears school, which is an intense survival school, I was locked in a box, as they do, for about 12 hours. You were locked in a box?

1:13:37Were you locked in any bags? Were you locked in bags and boxes? Yeah. Bags and boxes. Everyone just won a million dollars. It's a reference from earlier. Don't worry about it. Okay, so you were locked in a box. Yes, and very hungry, very tired, and that's when I just started having these epiphanies that I couldn't push it away anymore because I was so exhausted. I was like, oh, shit, I think this means I'm trans. I guess I'll have to deal with this when I get out. And I sought therapy, and that's how it started. So you could say the Army trans me. Very interesting. Why did they put you in a box?

1:14:12Well, that's just part of the POW training that you go through. Okay. And when you say you were five years old and you started having symptoms, What exactly does that mean? What were those symptoms? I would steal my sister's clothes and dress up and then be scolded for that being a terrible thing and boys don't do that. Lots of gender envy. So just seeing women and just being envious of them. So now I'm going to ask you questions about the penis vagina thing. All right. Which I find so interesting because you can come right now. Fuck yeah. Right. That sounds a lot like me.

1:14:55Brian Redban:So you can come. Now, help me to understand, because I'm just like, it's like I'm blind to it, right? Sorry, D-Madness. But I just simply don't understand the idea of giving up coming forever to have just a physical thing. Can you kind of like help me to understand that? It's so advanced now. Most people can still come afterwards. You can come with a depth vagina? Hell yeah. Wow. And there's butt coming, too. Butt coming? Butt coming has entered the chat. Thanks to our senior butt coming correspondent, Brian Redman. Butt coming, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Wow. Is there a percentage of possible failure with the in-depth vagina?

1:15:49Probably. Like I said, I just started shopping recently. Right. An interesting thing. So, Joe Ellis, what are you doing now? Now that you're out of the military, what's your new plan? Well, I do IT to pay the bills. And I've been a fan of comedy since I was a teenager. The Vicious Circle, Dane Cook era was huge to me. And just Richmond, where I'm from, gets a lot of great comedians. Tom Segura, Louis C.K. coming through this year. And I just, I always go to shows. And I was like, oh, I'd love to try that sometime. But until the crash rumor happened, I was nervous. So that's real. So that crash happened.

1:16:30Brian Redban:And there was a female pilot of the Black Hawk helicopter, and someone started a conspiracy theorist that the female was actually trans and that it was on purpose. A DEI hire. Wow. And that was you. That was me. And you got doxed for that. Yep. And now I'm suing in federal court. Wow. Who are you suing? The news outlet that reported that? Matt Wallace. Okay. On X or Twitter. Wow. Amazing. That's incredible. and he must have done no research. He just heard it and ran with it or researched you and looked you up and just threw you under the bus. First one to tie my likeness to the rumor. We don't know if he started the rumor, but he had millions of followers.

1:17:10He did the most what we can determine is damage. And because I was a private person, I didn't really have a social media following or anything. I think it's a good case. Were you already fired from the military just before that, or did that happen all at once? It kind of all happened at once. The executive order came out, which meant it was coming, but I was still serving. And then the crash happened that week, and then I was named as the pilot. Okay, let me ask you this. When you started taking the female hormones and everything like that, did you notice yourself kind of becoming a less tough soldier?

1:17:45Does that kind of make sense? Were you sore? Do you nag a lot? Yeah. I mean... Ladies and gentlemen, we have woken Osama bin Laden up from a nap.

1:18:02My tits got sore because they were growing. Right. Yeah. Ribbon? But I was still mentally tough. Like, I'm still mostly me. Did it make you more emotional? At first, and then I got stable on them in a few months, and I was good to go. But you were in the military for a few months on medicine feeling kind of unstable. Not unstable, no. Just emotional. Right. So I was grounded from flying during that time and then put back into service afterwards. I was deployable within six weeks. Hell yeah. So. Okay. So interesting.

1:18:37Brian Redban:And what types of things over your 16 years of military service have you done? Did you go to the Middle East? I did. So before I became a warrant officer and a pilot a few years ago, I was a mechanic on helicopters. And I doubled as a door gunner on the UH-60 during Iraq in 2011. So I was a door gunner. Hell yeah. Wow. And now you're about to bunker bust your dick off. That's incredible. This is absolutely amazing. Speaking of that, if I could urge you once again to just keep the beautiful gift God gave you. At least for one more night. Yeah.

1:19:18ClecoVision? Redband. Just don't do that anymore. Okay. Okay, so Joe Ellis, explain to us what you're, like, you want to do stand-up full-time now. Do you live here in Austin? I do not. I live in Richmond, Virginia. Richmond, Virginia. Okay. That must be a tough place for a trans person to live. Am I right? You kind of get stared at a lot? Something like that? I mean, I get stared at everywhere I go. I'm tall. I'm all these things. Exactly. No, Richmond is actually like a blossoming queer community. You'd be surprised. Okay. Yeah, that's interesting. What's your type? This could be anything right here.

1:19:55What is the person that you're most attracted to? Yeah, I mean, I lean towards women, but since transitioning, I have tried men. So you're kind of a lesbian? Kind of. I've got some stories. A lesbian with a penis. Built-in strap-on. Oh, I got a story about that.

1:20:16Brian Redban:Absolutely incredible. Like, what is a story? When you say you have stories, I agree with John Dees, I do believe it was on this. Who said that? Let's hear it. Yes. Since I've tried it all now since coming out, lesbian women have been interesting because some of them like that I have a dick and some of them don't. And some of them are like, oh, I'd rather use toys or whatever. And I've got skills. I can do that. But one time, this one girl handed me, it was in a box, it was a toy, and it was a fucking strap-on. And I was like, yeah. It was offensive because it didn't have, like, vibrations or lasers or any cool shit.

1:20:49It was like as if I went and got mine made into one. and I was like, I mean, I still fucked her with it. Wow. That's incredible. So you put it above your penis and just... Yeah. Wow. I mean, it's great if you want to do, like, DP, like double penetration. Oh, my goodness. That's amazing. Red Man is in his glory right now. I don't think I've ever seen him more happy. Talk about that on stage. That's hilarious, dude. Also, Joe, speaking of toys, I have what's called a ColecoVision.

1:21:24I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but I'm happy to show you. That's for zero penetration.

1:21:31Brian Redban:Joe Ellis, I like your style. You're getting a big joke book. There's a black one. How about that? Boom. Oh, she catches like a woman, everybody. The transition is happening. Catches like a real woman, not like a guy that was in the military for 16 years, but like a brand new female. Now, I'm going to hand this to you, but you need to promise you're not going to try to turn this into a little joke book. I promise. That's funny. Joe Ellis, ladies and gentlemen.

1:22:08Thank you, Joe Ellis. Fun times. All right, your next bucket pool is on the inside. A comedian from around here. He's been on this show before. Make some noise for Keith Ray, ladies and gentlemen. Is Keith Ray around? Keith Ray. We have movement by Keith Ray. I'm not seeing movement. Oh, boy. What a disaster.

1:22:43Keith Ray. Keith Ray. I'll pass on that. I'll pass on that. I'll pass on that. Pussy. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? That's pretty good. Pretty good ratio there. You can turn down the inside lights. They're grabbing him. Here he comes. It's Keith Ray from the very, very back of the room. I'll pass on that. I'll pass on that. I'll pass on that. Here he comes. It's a long walk to the top if you want to rock and roll. All right. One more time, ladies and gentlemen, for Keith Ray, everybody.

1:23:35A little about me. Obviously, I'm a big fan of The Little Mermaid. Yeah. Not so much Ariel. I like that Ursula. Yeah, I like that big bitch. She got ride or die bottom bitch energy. That's the kind of chick you can start an insurance fire with.

1:24:07And she's got eight legs, that's four pussies, I know math.

1:24:16She's got them big old squid tits. Big old sack of mud titties we call them back home. Kind of tit you can smack one tit and it'll roll out. Come back like the tide. and big old sheet cake lunch lady jugs. Kind of titties got the brown stain on the bottom from dipping in the manwich juice. I like a bitch so big her titties start in the middle of her back. Come swooping. All right, Keith Ray with a full presentation. For those of you that remember Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Wow Joe DeRosa Keith I never thought I'd see a comedian That made Uncle Lazer look distinguished But dear lord That is incredible It's quite the breakdown of Ursula from The Little Mermaid I don't even remember what that looks like Or what it is or anything really I'm a big little mermaid You've seen The Little Mermaid a lot John D's just made a noise back here She's a big bitch She's a big bitch I get the point She's a big girl, but a lot of...

1:25:32Oh, yeah, that one. You watch The Little Mermaid a lot? When I was a kid. When you were a kid. Okay, and you still got her on the mind. There's still time to catch Celia on the way to the airport.

1:25:55That is true. That is true. A lot of bags, one box. Keith Gray. So remind everybody, how long you been doing stand-up? 12 years. 12 years. And you live here in Austin. Tell us about your life. Well, I moved here back in 22, in January, and I lived in my van for four months. And then I moved into a room for rent above the Chupacabra Cantina.

1:26:25Brian Redban:Uh-huh. And, yeah. spent the next two years drinking myself into oblivion. Yep. And I was one of the original 15 door guys here at the greatest club on planet Earth. That's true. One of the original door guys here at the mothership. And I was the first one fired. That is true. We all remember that. You were very, very sloppy. You would linger around until the wee hours of the night, keeping conversations going with absolutely anybody that would sit anywhere near you whatsoever. And it was unbelievably annoying. You were a terrible, terrible drinker. Yeah, I was. But you're sober now. 14 years of daily practice, I never got good at it.

1:27:06Brian Redban:And you're sober now. Yeah, I quit after I got fired. Right. And last November, I got passed as a regular here at the club. That is true. He closes some of the shows. I'm a little boy late at night. So, Keith, what did you do to quit drinking? How does someone that made their entire existence drinking, and how do you quit? Well, I left town. I thought I needed to change the scenery, so I went to L.A. for a couple months because that's like the worst drinking town in America. Everything's so spread out. And I started going to yoga every day because you had turned me on to hot yoga back when I was still in my drinking days.

1:27:50That is true. I insisted that you try hot yoga to try to reset something in your system.

1:27:55Brian Redban:Yeah, and it worked. Uh-huh. Yeah. Look at you now. You can't imagine what he looked like before. I was going to say, you sure you're going to hot yoga and not frozen yogurt?

1:28:13I love it. Hey, they got fat people at yoga class. Keith, what else do you do when you're not doing stand-up? I'm doing stand-up full-time now. Right, but like, what else? Like at nighttime, for example, when you used to just get obliterated drunk, what do you do now? I don't know. I like to watch The Sopranos with my girlfriend. Genius. I love that. That's pretty much... I like a nice bowl of ice cream from time to time. Okay. I'm a big Oreos guy now. Oh, look at that. Yeah. How many Oreos are we talking about, Keith? I try and keep it in single digits.

1:28:53If I'd have done that when I was drinking, and I probably wouldn't have had to quit. Hell yeah. So try and watch my over intake, but... Yeah, I'm a milk and cookies guy now. I used to do rails of Coke and drink bourbon by the fifth, but... Milk and cookies. Look at you. Adorable. Years away from being a mall Santa, assuredly. Joe DeRosa? I can't believe getting fired as a doorman was your bottom. You've mentioned eight worst bottoms. in this interview than the door guy thing. Yeah, no, I quit drinking because this club's a family and I wasn't going to pick the bottle over my family. It really is true.

1:29:39He's loved around here. Keith, a good set, rock solid. You already have a big joke book? No, I haven't done your show since it was in the belly room at the store. Wow. Well, guess what, my friend Red Band? Hey, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, Keith. Keith Ray I love you guys Keith Ray This is definitely a new name I would know if I've pulled this out of the bucket before Very interesting name I'm excited about the Kill Tony debut Of Sancho Pancho Villa

1:30:24Sup guys. I know a lot of people can't tell most of the time, but I am vertically challenged I'm 5 '1 on a good day Which is ironic because I'm actually into taller women But not for any weird like fetish reason like most normal people I just want to hopefully get one pregnant So that way my kids have a chance at a normal life But I can't date tall women anymore. I can't do it. My last tall girlfriend, she got mad at me because I was going to go out on a Monday night and do some show called Kill Tony. And she was like, well, my horoscope is an asparagus or some bullshit. And she needed to be nurtured and comforted.

1:31:17So she's like, well, let's see how far you get without these. So she grabs my keys and she throws them on top of the refrigerator.

1:31:26so I can't date tall women anymore thank y 'all so much I'm Sancho Pancho Villa

1:31:31Brian Redban:Sancho Pancho Villa I like the way you say it Sancho Pancho Villa thank you very much Sancho Pancho Villa nice to see you again Tony good to see you you've been on this show before no we met around dinner like a few months back around dinner I was what the fuck are you talking about I was leaving the restaurant and you were going in okay alright and I met you. Yeah, I can't be specific. I think it was February 25th at 5.03pm. Wow. Alright. There you go. Amazing. Amazing Sancho Panchavilla. Joe DeRosa. I just saw it today. You were great and 28 years later. You were really... For the people that saw it, that's very funny.

1:32:16If you ask the women, it's 28 inches later. Whoa, this guy's claiming he has a huge cock. is it as big as you? I'm average for my size. You are adorable, Sancho Pancho Villa. I gotta know, what do you do for work looking like that? I have a part-time job as an operations assistant. What exactly are you assisting in operations? It's this repair... A chocolate factory.

1:32:49He's an oompa-loompa-villa.

1:32:54That was my last job, but I got caught fucking Mrs. Oompa Loompa. So I got fired from that. Seriously, stick with the actual questions here. What are you working? No, I do assistant for operations for like a trailer repair company in like Kyle. So I set that up so I could come here on Mondays to make sure I could sign up. Okay. So what is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning, Sancho Pancho Villa? Do someone have to let you out of the crib that you sleep in? Or you kind of crawl out on your own? You kind of put a little ladder there? A grasshopper opens my drawer?

1:33:39No, I like to drink a lot, so I just make sure I didn't crash my car. I mean, that's true. So when you say you drink a lot, what do you mean exactly? You go to bars? Well, I was in the Marines, so I have a high tolerance, so I drink a lot. You were in the Marines? Yes, sir. Somehow this is crazier than anybody else we found out that did military service today. I have a tattoo. Holy fucking shit. It's on my license. Oh, my God. What exactly did you do in the military? Well, I was 5 '3 when I joined. Now I'm 5 '1. But no, that's true. I was an engineer company, so we built stuff, blew it up. And yeah, just heavy equipment operations, generator, mechanic, stuff like that.

1:34:27Wow. Absolutely incredible, Sancho Pancho Villa. Yeah, man. Wow. So when you say you drink a lot, like what does that mean? Like two or three drinks and you're trashed? No, like maybe after like five dough whiskey sprites and like seven tequilas and I'm buzzing. Oh, my God. Yeah. And what do you like to do when you get drunk? Do you, like, flirt with girls? I like to talk to married women, but no. Is that true? Yes. Yeah, no. So I got the nickname Sancho by always, like, not caring who I'm flirting with. Really? Yes, yes. What does Sancho mean? It means, like, a side dude. It's like a term of endearment in Hispanic culture for, like, a guy that sleeps with married women.

1:35:12Really? Yes. So that really is a thing of yours. What a beautiful culture. It is. It is. Wow. So how many, if you had to guess how many married women you've slept with, Sancho Pancho Villa, how many would that number be? Married women, because I also sleep with people with like boyfriends and stuff like that. So married women. So before you answer, you're specifically into women that have someone else. Yes. That's like a thing of yours. It wasn't at the beginning, but it's just become so when you go up to a woman at a bar and you're like, hey, you know, what's up? Nice to meet you. Do you have a boyfriend?

1:35:48And they say yes. You are into it more. My first question is, how tall are they? Is my first question. How tall are you? No, whenever they say, oh, I have a boyfriend. I'm like, OK, how tall is he? Oh, and then if he's not like over six five, I'm like, I can fight him. You think you could fight someone that's as long as they're not over six five? I know it. I know I could. I would almost argue that you have a bigger advantage over someone that's taller than 6 '5". You could shoot low. Seems like you would get the fucking absolute shit beat out of you by a 6 '3 guy. No, I got like a strong jaw, but like I'll pick someone up and slam them.

1:36:25Like, nah. Okay, Sancho Pancho. What can I say? Has that ever happened before? Have you gotten... Also, if you squeeze his legs together, he's got to really mean this thing.

1:36:42It's an action figure. Oh, my God. Sancho Pancho Villa. So, let's go back to that number. Ballpark number of married women. It's probably, like, not to be specific, but, like, 27.

1:36:55Brian Redban:Oh, my God. So, obviously, 27, right? Yes, sir. Even though I'm sure you're exaggerating by fucking, like, 26. I'm not I'm not so I'm not I'm not so has there been times obviously there must be where you kind of got in trouble kind of got caught right the husband finds out tracks her down she's at your place something like that no I always go to her house or her place or we do it in the car so okay and then I'm 5-1 on a good day so I get out any size window so what Like in case the husband gets home early, I can escape out any size window. Yeah. I'd argue that.

1:37:46You have any special... Go ahead, Joe DeRosa. Maybe a bay window.

1:37:54Brian Redban:You have any special moves in the bedroom, Sancho Pancho Villa? How do you please these women? What's your specialty? Well, so I'm so short, I go up on women. And so, like, I start, and I start, like, from the clit, and then, you know, I start, like, kissing the thighs and stuff like that. Usually it's a lot of, like, vaginal play, and, like, that just... Vaginal play? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my goodness. So keep describing this vaginal play to us. This episode is brought to you by Talkspace PrizePix and Takovas, by the way. Talkspace PrizePix, yeah. I forgot to mention that earlier. They're going to love that shout-out right there.

1:38:28Yeah, man. Because now it's part of an internet clip. No. Okay, go ahead. So like when I first joined the Marines like my training sergeant He gave me this book and I was like how to how to complete a female orgasm and I read the whole book and and so yeah, so It just said like oh, yeah, you know you want to make sure that you do the alphabet and you do the tons tornado, you know And then I just make sure that they get close to climaxing But I don't make sure they don't finish because I still want to fuck so like, you know

1:39:01Brian Redban:You think if you make them finish, they're not going to want to fuck? Yeah, no. I don't think that, but it's just a precaution.

1:39:12Brian Redban:Have you ever... Has that ever happened where you've given a woman an orgasm and then they don't let you fuck afterwards? Only when she's sobered up. No, it's never happened. Not yet. And I hope it doesn't. Okay. Tim Butterly. I know you said you've sworn off tall women, but we had an absolute knockout blonde a couple of comics ago. Now, it kind of depends on how you feel about a shallow vaginal canal. I think it's going to work perfectly for him. Perfect. It's perfect. If that dick looks like the tater tot that I'm picturing. Hey, but at 100 miles an hour, they're going to feel it. You know what I'm saying?

1:39:57Is that what you do? You have a hundred mile an hour pelvic thrust. Yeah, I don't look like... Can you show us? Can you show us what you fuck like? No, not your dick. Just your hip movement while fucking. Oh, yeah, man. So, like, it's just like... You don't need to fuck the desk. We want you out there so that we can kind of see it. Go back that way. Take a step back. Right in that light. Right there. Right in here? Yes. All right, cool. So, like, I make sure I stretch so I don't pull anything. And then, like, I just, like, fucking... Oh, my God. You know what I'm saying? Let's go! Wow. Absolutely incredible.

1:40:28One of the most disgusting episodes in this show's history. This is not the first time I've asked this question on this show. What the fuck is happening right now?

1:40:39Brian Redban:Yeah, man. What is going on? It is incredible. This is a wild episode. Sancho Panchabilla, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go? I support this non-profit for veterans, disabled veterans. nothing better after 35 fast pelvic thrusts and giving a shout out to a good old non-profit what exactly is this non-profit that you're promoting right now yeah so it's it's it's a hero usa.org and um it's ran by my former uh you know commanding officer and it's just bringing a bunch of disabled veterans together through outdoor activities yeah amazing i love it Thank you. Sancho, Pancho, Villa.

1:41:26Here's a little joke book. Or as you call it, a joke book. Aw. Hey. Him and Joe Ellis catch this thing. That would be a magical connection. All right.

1:41:44Brian Redban:Let's get one more bucket pool in here. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for Mike Ryan. Mike Ryan

1:42:00One thing that I've discovered about doing comedy Is that I don't fit in I don't fit into the comedy scene in Houston Where I'm from I don't fit in with all these other comedians Mainly because they all grew up class clowns Or they're molested The lucky ones are both And I feel like at 37 years old I'm too old for either of those things to happen for me. At least without it being my fault. Like, if I get molested at 37 years old, that's on me. That's my bad. What was I wearing?

1:42:42It's been kind of a tough year. We took away Pornhub in Texas. got so bad this morning I jacked off using my imagination turns out I'm pretty fucking gay dude I had no idea how am I supposed to tell my mom that I'm a democrat now I'm not gonna be one without the other thank you

1:43:09Brian Redban:fuck yeah Mike Ryan you've been on this show before Mike welcome How you doing? Remind the people. How long have you been doing stand-up? One year, seven months. And what do you do for work? I'm a logistics coordinator in a refinery. Okay. Like an alcohol refinery. A chemical refinery. Chemical refinery. What type of chemical exactly? Olefins is what they use to make plastics. Oh, okay. Is that hazardous to be around? Yeah, probably. Wow. We're going to find out. Yeah, we are. Goddamn. That's pretty crazy. How long have you worked there? About two years. Okay. And it pays well? It's pretty good.

1:43:49Long hours? No. I probably shouldn't say this, but I don't work very much when I'm not on a project. It's like, you know, it's really chill. But when I'm on a project, it's 84-hour weeks. 84-hour weeks. Oh, geez. Whoa. Yeah, I did the math on that. That fucking sucks. Holy shit. Damn. Damn. And is that mostly like sitting in a chair or like, what do you do? Yeah. So I coordinate the logistics, the shipping and receiving of everything that goes in and out of the plant. Okay. What do you do for fun? For the last year and seven months, just comedy. Other than that. You must have some kind of hobby or something.

1:44:33I like to hang out with my daughter. That's pretty cool. Okay. How old's your daughter? She's 12. 12 years old. Look at you. I wouldn't have guessed that you came inside of somebody 12 years ago. You would be very surprised, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I am that. A lot. Exactly that surprised right now. But you only have one kid. Yeah. Amazing. And what's that like? Does the mom live near you? About 30 minutes away, yeah. All right. And you guys switch on and off or whatever? Yeah. Okay. I got really lucky in the baby mama department. Never had a problem. No fights, nothing. Amazing. That is amazing. And so this 12-year-old growing up and 12 years old in the year 2025, what are you noticing?

1:45:14What's going on? Roblox is expensive. Is she trans yet? What's up?

1:45:20Brian Redban:Getting nothing. Oh, no, she's not trans. She's actually going to church camp in like two weeks. Oh, that's where you get trans at. So perfect. Yeah. Amazing. What exactly is church camp? It's a camp. It's actually here in Austin. I forget what it's called, but it's like a camp for girls that are Christian and like to hang out and have a good time at camp, I guess. I don't know. Perfect. I don't ask too many questions about it. I love it. Maybe I should. You could always just trust the adults at a church camp with your kids. What could possibly go wrong?

1:45:57Brian Redban:Anyway, has she ever been to church camp before? Last year was her first year, yeah. Okay. All right, good. So it's fine. All right, good. And, yeah, Joe DeRosa, go ahead. I have a question. Redband. Wait, I'm sorry. Redband. You guys are somehow both dressed like two obese Kleenex boxes. It is shocking. According to the laws of physics, one of you is going to disappear in a minute. How are you guys both dressed like the Big Island? Absolutely. A year and seven months. You're very slick with the comedy for that short a period of time. Thank you. I appreciate it. I worked very hard at it. Yeah.

1:46:43Very good. I actually, you mentioned the shirt. I bought this shirt when I got booked to do Secret Show by Enrique because it matched the background. Nice. So Red Band did inspire this shirt. Wow. Oh, my God.

1:47:01Brian Redban:Oh, my God. That wasn't the backdrop. Red Band was just standing behind you.

1:47:12Brian Redban:I love it. Mike Ryan, what's something else we should know about you? Something crazy about your life or some weird habit that you do? What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Not pray. Yeah, but what do you do? So like I said, I work remote most of the time, so I kind of wake up and just turn the computer on and then check my email. It's next to you in bed already? Yeah. Okay. I am very lazy. I don't know if you guys... Yeah. Do you jack off on the clock? No.

1:47:53I'm sorry, boss, if you see this. It's better than the high school teacher earlier. I got the camera on my laptop covered, so we're good. Perfect. Okay. What about the microphone, though? How much noise do you make when you jack off, Red Band? You should hear him breathing throughout an episode. It's absolutely incredible that it doesn't sneak into every episode, every second. But I get the amazing pleasure of hearing it out of my left ear for 12 years now, everybody. And now it's great. Mike, I would love to have you back on The Secret Show. Wow, look at that. Look at that. Do you already have a big joke book?

1:48:38Yeah, I do. Okay, well, awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, Mike Ryan, everybody. It's time to drown, baby. And that is indeed your final bucket poll of the night. How much fun have we had? Talk space, prize picks, and Takovas bring you this episode. and now it is down to one. And if you ask me, I mean, what a time we had.

1:49:05Brian Redban:Three black songwriters to start. How much fun did we have with a little hit called Bags and Boxes?

1:49:18Brian Redban:We met Johnny. Johnny, the teacher from Lansing. Kansai Yasuda, Celia Contreras, Joe Ellis, a full-blown Black Hawk helicopter pilot, six-foot-seven woman badass, Sancho Pancho Villa, Keith Ray, Mike Ryan, and now there's only one person, if you ask me, that can end an episode like this, and it is the man with the all-time most appearances. Yeah, the most interviews ever in the history of the show. the first ever living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Here to increase his monopolized record, this is the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Takovas Tycoon, the Prize Picks Prince, and the Top Space Tyrant.

1:50:12This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

1:50:31Hello, my name is William Montgomery, and I'm thinking about adopting Ja Rule.

1:50:38It was a long break, Tony. Okay. I like the name Thurston. First of all, sounds rich. Second of all, he a thot.

1:50:54Lately in the mirror, I've been battle, practicing battle rapping people I'll probably never beat. Like, I've got a brand new daughter, restless in bed. To help her fall asleep, I read the lyrics to Right Said Fred. That's actually me if I was battle rapping Right Said Fred.

1:51:13It was a long break, Tony. Okay, this is sad. an Indian billionaire recently died when he swallowed a bee playing polo. I didn't even know bees played polo. Okay, Tony, that's my time.

1:51:33Brian Redban:William Lights Out Montgomery, the Tecovis tycoon, the talk space tyrant, the prince of prize picks, has joined us again. Rubbing his eye, this is a new thing. We've never seen this before. We've never seen him rub his eyes like this. I've developed this very nervous tick ever since I found out about my carotid artery being clogged up, Tony. You have a clogged carotid artery? I'm on statins now. You're on a medicine for it? I'm on statins, and it makes me fucking rub on my eye. I don't know if it's the statins. I don't know if it's just a nervous tick, but be careful. Red Band, you really need to be careful because I feel like I've already rode almost 750 miles this year, and I have shit in my fucking carotid artery.

1:52:19So, Red Band, you really do. I think Sealy was right. I get checked every week, blood tested every six weeks. You get checked every week? I mean, I go to a doctor every week and I get blood tested every six weeks. Is it Dr. Pepper? What the fuck are we talking about right now? Who goes to a doctor every week? That should tell you how unhealthy you are if you have to go to the doctor every week. People with cancer go like every two or three months. Jesus fucking... You sound like when an alcoholic's like, I drink every day and I'm fine. What are you talking about? Dr. Liver King tells me I'm okay.

1:52:54Oh, my goodness.

1:52:58I think it's pronounced Burger King, Red Band. Okay. No, see, I visit Red Band's mom every week, but I didn't really have time to say that. And it was weird. Red Band actually was with Liver King this past week when he was plotting against Rogan. So I think people need to know that. Red Band was the one telling his ass to go after Rogan. So I think people need to know that. What an amazing twist. That came from Red Band. Liver King was staying at Red Band's place. He was not staying at the Four Seasons. Wow. That was not the Four Seasons. That was Red Band's downtown penthouse. Seriously, Red Band, you need to stop fucking around with that guy.

1:53:33He got thrown in prison, dude. Wow. Misunderstood guy, man. Wow. Absolutely. He's an innocent guy? Is that what you just said?

1:53:42Brian Redban:Misunderstood, he said. Oh, wow. So, William, absolutely incredible set, as always. Tell us more about what's been going on with you lately, other than the carotid artery, which is clogged. Clogged. I have a 200 % chance to die of a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years, and I don't even know what 200 % means. What does that mean? I only have five years to live? I don't know what that means. They said you have a 200 % chance. I have a 100 % chance to die of a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years, Tony. So I'm really at a weird place right now. I don't know what to do, Tony. We just had to break or whatever.

1:54:20I've been chilling. I've been doing my puzzles, and I've just been relaxing, doing the row machine, because it's like I'm really, I'm probably going to die soon. I'd lay off that row machine if your heart's fucked up. Yeah? Yeah, I would not exercise or do anything physical at all. Yeah, Joe DeRosa giving great advice. I mean, really, it's just incredible. The amazing medical panel here that I've booked on Kill Tony. The man's a ticking time bomb, and he's doing a row machine? It's not a good idea. Well, I'll die on the row machine, dumbass, and I'll be happy. I'll die happy. On the fucking row machine!

1:54:54Don't run! Ooh, there it is. Whoa, Tony, I don't even know if I can yell anymore. That just made me lightheaded. You're so red right now. Oh, stop. This is the Staten talking right now. This is the Staten talking right now. Wow.

1:55:10Brian Redban:So have you felt side effects of the medicine? Yeah. Tell us about them. Oh, what happened? Oh, my gosh. Well, my eyes are itchy. My freaking... Side effects with Williams. My toes are going numb. Which actually, last time my toes were going numb was when I was doing a bunch of cocaine. So that's weird. My toes are going numb. Eyes are itching. My belly button, I cannot feel inside of it anymore. because I love, people don't know this, but I love to put my little finger in my belly button when I'm trying to go to sleep because it would hurt, but now I don't even feel this. Oh, it's deep. Yeah, I got a deep belly button.

1:55:52Look, there's an indentation on your shirt where your belly button is. Look at that. Yeah, this is what the trans woman's pussy looks like. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah, it looks like my fucking belly button. It's like nasty. But yeah, it's been fucking, that doesn't feel like anything. I'm not going to bring up the doo-dooing thing because my father immediately messages me on Monday nights and says, you need to stop talking about that. But there's something going on with that.

1:56:23Brian Redban:There's something going on with that. But I'm working it out. But there's something going on with that. Your dad and I are friends. We have a relationship. We communicate. And I'm going to override your father. We want to know what's going on with your doo-doo situation this week. Yeah. You really care. I normally hate it when you talk about it as well, but for some reason, I'm curious. I'm still just not. It's like every other day. You're constipated. Yes. And what are you doing to fight this constipation? Prune juice. It's just a bunch of prune juice, but... Okay, Red. Red Band squeezed his fart noise in there, everybody.

1:56:56That's also what his mom... Pussy sounded like last night! Wow. William lights out... More one tonight, Tony! No, I'm kidding. What do you love about it? Huh? I don't know.

1:57:17What do you love about Monday nights?

1:57:23Being here, being around friends. Wow. Being around friends, being around family, being around all these nice people who always come to the shows, being around trans people. I actually got her fucking number when she left. I made it a point to go from the green room back there to get her number. So going to be doing that later. And just living life, Tony, trying to have fun. Going down to Mexico, bought Xanax bars in Mexico a couple nights ago. Very nice. To sell them here. Oh, you're selling Xanax tonight. Yeah, I'm selling Xanax again. Wow. Yeah, yeah. But it's been so much fun, Tony. and I'm going to die one of these days and just know that I love you, I love all of y 'all.

1:58:07It's been a lot of fun. Until that day comes, I'm going to give it my all. We're going to see how long I can keep on going. But it starts getting weird because you start thinking, ah, your carotid artery has a bunch of plaque in it. A 200 % chance of death in the next 10 years. So it starts getting weird. It is weird, but death is natural. You know, my grandma lived to be 100 years old and I remember the last thing that she left me.

1:58:42Brian Redban:When she left me, she left me with bags and boxes.

1:59:00She left me.

1:59:07How about one more time for William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. We've done it again. We absolutely did it again. One more time for the great Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube. The new special out July 21. Tim Butterly, The Tim Butterly Show. Metal Girl Solid. How loud can this place get? One more time for Joe DeRosa and Tim Butterly. Talk Space, Prize Picks, Takovas,

1:59:40Deep Madness, Michael Gonzalez, John Dees, Matt Muelling, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Carlos Sosa.

2:00:00Brian Redban:Bags and boxes, And she left me

2:00:08They may have just killed a woman We love you, thank you, goodnight everybody Love you guys

2:00:20Brings in boxes Brings in boxes Brings in boxes Brings in boxes Brings in boxes Brings in boxes Brings in cose

2:00:57The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:01:19Good night

2:01:44Thank you. Thank you.