#728 - GREG FITZSIMMONS

18:02Brian Redban:And this current girlfriend of yours, she's white. Oh, yeah, but she's not like that. When you say she's not like that, what do you mean exactly? She's not white trash.

18:16Brian Redban:So if you got her pregnant, what would happen? No, we're safe. When you say you're safe, what do you mean? You know, pulling out. You pull out. What do you think I meant? Y 'all know what I meant. All right. You're checking in with them? You think I'm out of touch? You think I don't know what I'm doing over here? I don't know. I heard some stories about you. I bet you did. I bet you did. Okay. So, I mean, where do we even go from here? My dear friend, Jesse Saldana. That's how you spell your name, Jesse, with an I? Yeah. I asked my mom why she spelled my name like that, and she said the nurse spelled it wrong, and they just didn't fix it.

19:05Holy shit. Hey, man, I was born in Dallas in 1987. My mom did not want to correct the white nurse, you know? Okay. She don't speak English. That's how I was. All right, Jesse. What else? You have any hobbies or anything? Damn. They gave me the cop sign. I used to be a juvenile probation officer. Really? Yeah. Okay. Why don't you do that anymore? My criminal record. Ooh. What exactly is your criminal record? This tree popped up out of nowhere on my way home. The what popped up? A tree. A tree. Yeah. And you'd been drinking and driving. I mean, that's what they said. Damn. You totaled your car? Yeah.

19:53Do you remember what happened at all? Um, I mean, I woke up and there was a bunch of trees and then there wasn't. Yeah.

20:01Brian Redban:Your people love cutting down trees any way you possibly can. Damn. All right, Jesse. Here's a little joke book. Congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. You did it. On to the next one. Jesse Saldana.

20:20Brian Redban:Oh, my God. You know what that sound means. It is indeed the lovely Heidi, everybody. Boy, that Jesse. It was like a shower. It started hot, got kind of cold, and then went right down the drain. Yes, it did. Real fast. Some people are hyper aware tonight. They seem sensitive tonight. Both Jesse and Jack Shaw on the defensive, ready to go. Did you guys understand what I was talking about? How does he not know what I mean? Everybody's like, no! That's gotta suck. Alright, your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Alex Hurt-leen, or Hurt-line. Alex. Da-da, da-da.

21:12Hell yeah, dude. All right, so real quick, I just want to address this shit going on. Because whenever I do stand-up, most people are wondering why I look like my mom after she burnt dinner.

21:29Yeah, it's just a birthmark. My mom's fine. My dad would never hit my mom in the face, okay? Only in the stomach when she was pregnant with me. That's how it happened. uh yeah but when people find out it's a birthmark they usually hit me with something like pardon me Zuko what was it like growing up part soccer ball and uh you know obviously I got bullied and shit quite a bit but uh dude my childhood was actually way harder for my dad bro he got falsely accused of child abuse a lot yeah every day sir why'd you give your four-year-old the smoke like dude i remember this one lady was yelling at him so badly that like my little kid brain didn't know how to process it so i would just shake in fear like gordon ramsey's wife when he's about to go down on her well thank you okay first question alex why would Gordon Ramsey's wife be scared before oh shit I see the thing now oh my god Jesus Christ

22:34Brian Redban:the phantom of Kill Tony has arrived holy shit so that's just your normal face unfortunately well no I think it's got a little style to it I think it's great it's awesome you should have just stayed facing the audience the whole time and this would have gone a lot better for you No, it's great. It's great, Alex. Nobody even notices. First question, why would Gordon Ramsay's wife be scared if he's going down on her? I mean, he fucking gets pissed when it tastes bad, like any food. Oh, okay. You should say that part. That gets a laugh and applause and stuff. You should say that. It's probably going to help instead of people just confused.

23:19Brian Redban:Like, what's wrong with Wolfgang or Gordon Ramsay's whatever? So Alex, how long have you been doing stand-up? Like two and a half years. Two and a half years. Where at? Here? Mostly Denver. Denver? Oh yeah. Okay, that's where you're from. Yep. Alright. And what do you do for work? For work right now I'm a porter at a dealership, so I like take the cars that they're working on, take them to the bays, shit like that. They keep you away from the customers, like the hunchback of Notre Dame. You're just kind of like the behind-the-scenes guy. Like, keep the monster away from the... Can't sell cars with the freak out here.

24:00Brian Redban:Anyway. Do girls like it, Alex? What's your love life like? Girls like it if their relationship with their dad is bad, but other than that, not really. Yeah, I kind of get a lot of O's when they turn around after I say hi. Yeah, kind of like how this, yeah, just silence waiting for further explanation i think the bucket hat's more aggressive than the birthmark to be honest with you what do you got under there what are you dealing with you like oh yeah look at that you're like this is like when a when the nerdy girl takes off her glasses at the end of a rom-com or something like that jack stripper yeah you're not a bad looking guy you're like if gordon ryan never tried sports or anything like that nobody knows that reference is a jujitsu guy.

24:49Okay. So Alex, what do you do for fun? Uh, for fun, I, I played hockey growing up. So normally I would do like beer league in Denver, but then I moved here and realized that there was like no ice rinks. Right. So there's that. I also used to like be super into entrepreneurship. Uh-huh. What happened with that? I just, uh, I don't know. I, I felt like my ideas were a little too retarded like i would go door to door selling no soliciting signs

25:23that's great yeah and it didn't work for you i made like 500 bucks but it was like really bad quality signs it looked like a fucking like dive bar restroom sign but it was just the no soliciting little stick figure guy with a fucking no through him you made 500 bucks how many hours or days did you do this? I did it for like probably consistently like a month. Probably like six hours a day. Selling each for 20 bucks after I bought them for a dollar. It could have been good, but I kind of just gave up because I just it was not worth Sounds like a real pyramid scheme to me. Yeah. That's actually a real good joke though.

26:03Like selling no soliciting signs door to door. That's fucking funny. Thank you. Yeah. Red band. I've been struggling with the riding part of it. Like, I've attempted, but it never goes well. Like, dead silence whenever I, like, try something. But working on it. So that's kind of got, like, hair all over it? Yeah, dude, it's... You have to shave it regularly? I've been shaving since I was three months old, dude. Wow. Yeah. How often do you have to shave it? To, like, not scare people, probably a week. And you've got to go, like, all the way to under your eye and then down kind of? Yeah, kind of.

26:43Face it that way for a second. This way? Oh, shit. Fuck yeah. That's a whole thing. So, yeah, it's like, for some reason, like, it has kind of a built-in fade. It's, like, way shorter up here and it gets super long down here. Do barbers charge you extra for that? Oh, no. They, like, try to do it as, like, charity. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was just gonna say my testicle's the same way. It's a little... But have you considered this? Just a thought, just spitballing. You're a hockey player. Have you ever just told a woman, I got a black eye, and then hope that after a few weeks she likes you enough that you go, by the way, it's permanent?

27:26I tried once in high school, and she got weirded out that it just stayed there forever. Yeah. But, I mean, yeah, I don't know. They usually, like, get more freaked out by the hair. It's almost like they don't even notice, like, the genuine, obvious, dark spot. Have you thought about growing it out and braiding it? Dying it red, attaching an eyeball? Slightly. Dude, no bullshit. It takes so long towards my eye to actually get length. It takes like two months. I've tried. Interesting. Yeah. And what's underneath there? Is it firm? Is it soft? Oh, I thought it was cancer. It didn't used to always be pregnant.

28:03When did that start? Like when I was 20, roughly. How old are you now? I'm 23. Wow. Okay. So there's still time. There is. Interesting. I wonder what our friend Dr. Pimple Popper would say about this. Can you get laser hair removal from that? Yeah, I actually spent, like, the first five years of my life going to, like, a laser removal doctor because this shit used to be all the way down to my mouth. And if I didn't get it, like, fixed, I wouldn't have been able to eat without biting my face.

28:32Brian Redban:this is uh absolutely unbelievable uh you know a lot of people say that this show just has a bunch of handicapped creepy people on it then here comes fucking half a monkey boy walking out incredible did you get bullied for it a lot as a kid oh 100 yeah what's the meanest thing anybody ever said to you or how did they negatively affect your life uh let's relive it real quick in front of millions of people sorry i'm trying to think of like the best one chocolate chip cookie got to me oh yeah that's a rough one uh that's the monkey noise from 45 seconds ago everybody chocolate chip cookie's a rough one yeah it is brutal yeah and then another it was like oh he's such a pussy and avoids fights because if he got hit in his other eye, he would look like a raccoon.

29:30That was a banger. Yeah, that's a banger. It really is. I'll tell you what. Here's a medium-sized joke book. Hell yeah. There you go. Alex Hurtline.

29:44Brian Redban:Hell yeah. There he goes. One more time for Alex, everybody. Now. It's a real freak show so far. Here we go. Let's keep it going. Make some noise. This is a minute uninterrupted for AJ Iglesias. AJ Iglesias.

30:05What's going on, guys? My name is AJ Iglesias. I know that confuses some of you because my face says Trump supporter, but the name says ICE Detention Center. What an awkward ICE raid that's got to be. they knock on my door, they open it up, and I'm like, hey, what's going on, man? Like, sir, he's white. And, like, I still get arrested, not because I'm Mexican, because they found the mushrooms on my coffee table, you know what I mean? Honestly, like, the only way a guy like me gets any work nowadays is if I, like, stand outside of a Home Depot and pray to God somebody needs a half-pipe built, you know?

30:40I don't just do half-pipes. I do stairs, too, man. Confuses all my jobs, man. It's fucking awesome. Like, I work a lot of labor jobs. They think they're getting some hard work in Mexican, and my big, dumb, white ass shows up like, hey, who's going on? Can I vape in here? Is that cool with you guys? No, just, all right, cool. Yeah, yeah, most definitely.

31:01You guys are fun, man. I like you guys. This is really cool. Fuck, that's my set. My name is AJ Iglesias. Thank you all so much. AJ Iglesias. Am I saying that right? Iglesias? The H is silent. The H is silent? The first letter of your last name is silent. So you go by Iglesias? Yes, sir. Okay. Yeah. Different than Inglisias. Right? Yeah. No, it's not Inglisias. It's Iglesias. But I try not to say it with an accent because people are just like, you shouldn't do that. Are you 100 % Latino? No, I'm half. My dad's Mexican. My mom is very white. Yeah, very, very white. Very, very, very white. That's incredible.

31:38So are they still together? No. Why do you think I'm up here? No, yeah, that makes sense. um how old were you when they separated um i was seven years old okay yeah you are the man is laughing at me he's like fuck yeah i love divorce yeah he's just happy that he couldn't

31:57Brian Redban:see the last guy's face oh shit so aj let's talk about it how long you've been doing stand-up comedy uh i've been doing uh stand-up comedy like off and on for the last nine years since i was about 19. Wow. Yeah. Nine years. What do you do for work? I am a software tester for self-driving cars here in Austin. Wow. Not Waymo. Zook's. Shout out, I guess. Okay. What's the difference between Zook and Waymo? They're Amazon owned. And I guess they're like building like a fully autonomous car with like four people in it and no like steering wheel. It's like a fully like, yeah, it's kind of, yeah. I mean, you should know you're the guy, right?

32:36Yeah. But like the cars we have are different we're like we're like in toyota highlanders and like the the robot's coming like in the next year or so so we're just making sure it doesn't crash you know the robot's coming the robot is gonna be coming and it's gonna be coming hard wow yeah all right some for some reason i'm hard as a rock right now aj what's your love life like uh kind of bad um yeah i just uh got recently broken up with why why did she break up with you um i don't think she liked texas i moved her from California where I'm originally from obviously and uh yeah she spent two months here and was like I want to leave and I was like oh damn I like made my apartment all nice for her you know like made it like lady friendly and then she left so let's talk about it real quick what do you mean by lady friendly you know like lowered the toilet seat or yeah like I put like shelves in the in like the shower and shit like I bought her like a vanity to put in the bathroom like she games so like I I got her like a gaming desk and stuff.

33:36And now I just have like a nicer apartment. So it's pretty sick. Very interesting. How long ago was this breakup? It was like the beginning of the year. I think like, yeah, it was like January-ish. And she went back to California and doesn't talk to you at all anymore. She still does talk to me, actually. So you guys have like kind of a long distance thing going on? Not really at all. Like, I think she doesn't even like men. So that was a real blow to the ego. That's the type of woman that would move back to California. a lesbian

34:05Brian Redban:takes a real lesbo to leave Texas for California she's right now at a Starbucks in Silver Lake assurably sitting next to Jack's angry Jew dad while he scoffs at the lesbian antics so you thought that a woman would like shelves in a shower it's funny how this episode's kind of like all repeating itself Nice. Okay. So shelves in a shower, a gaming desk. Well, it's just like a regular desk to set up her games and stuff. When she left, what made you think that she's a lesbian? Can you explain? Oh, she told me. Wow. Yeah, like, yeah, I went to go buy her a bong because she likes to smoke weed. And I got, like, you know, bought her a bong and, like, some candy that she likes.

34:56And then she's like, I like women. And I'm like, sick. Yeah, it's never good if you buy your girlfriend a bong and she just sits on it. It's never a good sign. It isn't. It never is. So did she ever try to, like, did you ever, like, did you always have long hair like that? Yeah, for the last, like, you know, two years or so. Did she ever try to, like, put your legs over your head and eat where your pussy would be? Did you ever get hints that she was into lesbian type of stuff in the bedroom? She liked being on top a lot, so, like, maybe that could have been a sign. Yeah, that was about it. She didn't try to eat my boy pussy.

35:32Which I was a little offended that she didn't want to, but then again, you know.

35:36Brian Redban:Makes sense. It would make sense, yeah. Yep. It's not a good time down there. Did you try to have another girl come into the bedroom? No, no. She kind of just dropped the news, and she's like, I fly out in two weeks, and that was the most awkward two weeks of my fucking life. Because I live in a studio, so we're on top of each other, literally. Yeah. Yeah, she's on top of you. Greg Fitzsimmons. Well, look, there's a lot. There's a lot to unpack. I'm still getting over it. There was a guy up here with a hairy baseball on the side of his face a minute ago. I saw that guy and I thought it was like an injury.

36:06Brian Redban:We're punching people in the face if they do bad tonight. Oh, it's a whole new episode. A whole new level of Kill Tony. Would you consider going under the knife to get this woman back and becoming a woman? Great question. Cutting off your dick and adding the rest of the tits that you have on your chest. You know, I feel like this is enough, I thought. I like having a dick. It's really awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I wouldn't get rid of that, no. What about the hair that you have all over your T-shirt in the back? Is that you're covered in your own hair? I know, it's crazy. Do you think the grooming might have had something to do with it?

36:42Probably, I think, yeah. I'm like a cat, so she was just finding hair all over her, you know what I mean? It was terrible. You have a cat? I don't, it's just me. Oh, she does. Yeah. Yeah. What's a fun fact about your life that you think makes you different than other people? God, the only fun fact is, like, people don't believe I'm Mexican, and that's part of my set. Do you ever communicate with your dad? I do. You guys are, like, talk on the phone? Oh, yeah, yeah. He's still in California? No, he just recently, like, retired early. He sold his house in California, bought an RV, and he's, like, touring the country right now.

37:18Brian Redban:Oh, avoiding ice. That's what that's called, everybody. Just touring the country right now. Retired and touring. Just on the run. Yeah. You're right. Okay. All right, AJ. Well, fun times. Here's a medium-sized joke book, buddy. There you go. AJ Iglesias, ladies and gentlemen. Good news. We have a special treat for you, everybody. Got through a few wild bucket pulls. And now it is time for one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. She is from Nashville, Tennessee. She is an absolute savage. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great and powerful Fiona Colley, everyone.

38:12Hello.

38:16I just got back from France. Yeah, they let me over there.

38:26No, it was pretty funny. I got there and I had to Uber from the airport at the hotel and my fiance was with me and our Uber driver was like this really hot French man. Okay. And I thought he was hitting on me and I was really excited to turn down this French guy in front of my fiancé. I kind of need that emotionally. And then he goes, I just really love your voice, which, as you all can imagine, isn't really a compliment I get often. Yeah, no. And then he goes, yeah, I'm learning English, so...

39:20You talk so slow. It's... so helpful. And, like, y 'all, I am already humbled. You know what I mean? Like, God took care of it. I don't need this man. My point is Duolingo can suck my dick. Like, Duolingo can suck my wee wee or what. Thank you.

39:49Brian Redban:Fiona Colley. There you go. That's how it's done.

39:56Fiona, Fiona, Fiona. Fantastic. You've done it again. How's life going? Really good. I went on my bachelorette party. Oh, shit. Yeah. What's that like? It was kind of stressful deciding what to do because life is full of walking activities. Yeah. Yes. What did you settle on? I figured it out. We went to a Dollywood, like this theme park, because sitting, number one. We all love it. I'm the best. And it's the only place that I get to cut lines and perks for being disabled. So that was good. What kind of perks do you get for being disabled? The Fast Pass. Ooh, hell yeah. And these are like rides and stuff?

40:47Yes. Greg Fitzsimmons? Just the cruel irony that they call it the Fast Pass.

40:57That's got to hurt. So what kind of rides are there? Just like really fast up and down. It's like a theme park, amusement park. You ever been to Dolly World? No. Have you been to Dolly World? Hell yeah. It's great. It's really fun. It's an amusement park. Yeah, yeah. It was my first time. You've been to Dollywood in Tennessee? Yeah. You made that trip? Yeah. We're from Ohio. That was like our Disney World was Dolly World. Well, we also had Cedar Point. I know. The world's greatest amusement park. Kings Island. Geauga Lake. Famously. Dolly World. We were spoiled. And you went all the way to Dolly?

41:38Dolly World. Dolly World. World. Hey, they also have, like, really good food there, so I get it. Would you have, like, a powdered sugar-covered thing? A hot dog, yeah. A hot dog. Yeah. Perfect.

41:53Brian Redban:That's how Red Band likes his hot dogs.

41:58Brian Redban:That's fun. So a bunch of chicks showed up, and you guys went to Dolly World. Yeah. Dolly Wood. Dolly Wood. Okay, Red Band corrected me to Dolly World, and now we're back. Now we're back. I don't know why I listen to him. I rarely do. Took a chance on him, and that's where it got me. Now I'm a fucking idiot in front of millions of people. It's the bean all over again. It's the fucking bean all over again. Dolly Wood, Dolly World. Goddamn. I did shrooms. Ooh, everybody's talking about mushrooms this episode. It's a mushroom-heavy episode. So let's talk about it. How did the mushrooms hit you? Oh, my God.

42:39I don't deal with drugs well, okay? But I did shrooms at Dollywood, which, yeah, something is wrong with me, okay? Really scary. I forgot that, like, I'm on the show sometimes, and so I'm, like, fully peaking, and this This guy comes up to me and he's like, oh my God, can I get a photo? And I was like, why?

43:15Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. I thought my friends had ratted me out. Yeah. Yeah. So what was the highlight? Just fun, rides, it was a good bachelorette party? Yeah, I didn't throw up. That was fun. That was good. I did a lot of shrooms in multiple days. I don't do shrooms. Now you do. Yeah. I had a coke phase. Oh, okay. Wow. We're just having a little confessional here tonight. Tell us about this coke phase. What was that like? It was in college in my, like, walker era. Ah.

43:52Brian Redban:The old speed walking. I did coke for the first time. and I'm not fucking kidding, I started doing cartwheels. Oh, wow. And I could, like, run by myself and I was so convinced that this was, like, the most modern medicine.

44:15I told my neurologist, I was like, you gotta try this shit, okay? It is unbelievable. That's amazing. Yeah, and he was like, no, that's like really cool, but you have a heart problem, so... Imagine if that was a cure. And Jerry Lewis shows up with a pound of Coke and gets it to all the kids, and they just all get up and start fucking dancing.

44:54Brian Redban:Wow, perfect music for that situation. Really painted the picture there, Red Band. Gave us a nice texture for those of you just listening and not watching the podcast. Wow, so fun. So the highlights of the bachelorette party were mushrooms and Fast Pass. Yes, yeah, and to get, like, the Fast Pass as a disabled person, they bring you in this little office and they question you. I'm not kidding. like to like prove you're disabled enough. And I was like, me? Like what are we doing? And one of the questions was, do you have the upper body strength to like hold yourself in place? And I was like, this fucking cunt.

45:45Like of course, like what a dumb fucking question. I did not, okay? I almost died on every ride.

45:54Brian Redban:Yeah. A lot of slippage. I had to go back and apologize to her. I don't remember it because I had a concussion, but, like... It was good. You're so funny, Fiona. We love you. Another new minute from Fiona Colley, ladies and gentlemen. She's done it again. A superstar. A superstar.

46:25Brian Redban:How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Isn't it something?

46:32Brian Redban:A perfect human specimen. All right. Back to the bucket we go. I got to say, this looks like one of the most fun names I've pulled in a long time. I know a good name when I see one. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. for Sir Winston Pickles, everybody. Sir Winston Pickles. Oh, yes, let's go.

47:02Well, I'm 60 years of age and my high school belt still fits around my neck.

47:12I try to stay in shape, just like the teenage girl next door. She's one of those teenage girls who likes to go jogging at 5am in the morning. Well, 5.22 this morning.

47:29Whenever she goes jogging, I like to drive slowly behind her with my headlights off. You know, just to make sure she's safe. Well, you have to. There's some fucking weirdos out there in the morning.

47:49I've been reading this Diana book and... I find it difficult to comprehend. It's been over 30 years, well, almost 30 years, since the world tragically lost what I believe, anyway, to be the most beautiful Mercedes-Benz ever made.

48:15thank you my name's sir winston pickles uh you've been wonderful sir winston pickles let the fun

48:22Brian Redban:begin holy shit i love everything about you sir winston pickles welcome welcome welcome to the show i genuinely laughed throughout your entire set that was amazing how long have you been uh performing on stage 10 years as a clown six years of stand-up okay okay so the last six you've been doing stand-up as a clown but 10 is a clown what were you doing the first four you don't seem like you'd be very good at children's parties or anything like that there's still a few of those missing there.

48:59I love it. I love it. So, where are you from? England originally, but I just moved from Florida. You moved to Austin, Texas? Yeah, two weeks ago. Welcome, welcome. Look at that. Amazing. We'll see how you like this Texas heat. I see that makeup's going to be running any day now. Welcome, welcome. How long were you in Florida for? Ten years. Ten years. I had enough. Right, exactly. And so what do you do most of the time? What is a guy like Sir Winston Pickles up to when he's not? A bit of this, a bit of that. Huh? A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Okay, let's talk about it. A little bit of what?

49:43I ruin my car at$20 an hour, also known as DoorDash. Oh, you do DoorDash? Yes. Not like this. You don't do it in character? No. Oh, my God. Have you thought about doing it in character? That seems like it would be a hit. I mean, it gives people some real fucking nightmares on their ring doorbell camera. Just freak people the hell out. Seems like a blast. Sir Winston Pickles. How much time do you think you have? How much material do you think you have of that part that you just did for that minute? I do 20 minutes. I've been a feature in Florida. Amazing. Greg Fitzsimmons I'm just It's hard to make fun of a guy who You know, you're just kind of in awe of Yeah I mean, I think you're hilarious I like to shit on people Because they suck And I just think you're very good So I'm speechless Oh, thank you

50:40Brian Redban:I agree I agree, Sir Winston Pickles I like your style a lot In fact, I think, you know, why don't you just do a little more time? Why don't you do another minute or two? I want to hear more of Sir Winston Pickles. You guys want to hear some more material from Sir Winston Pickles? I mean, I'm just going to let you take over, Sir Winston. Feel free to shoot a fucking 20-minute special right now.

51:12Hold on one second. Can I get the... Can we do the solo light on Sir Winston Pickles? Yeah, let's do that.

51:24I've been having a lot of issues with my neighbours, especially the neighbour next door. His carbon monoxide alarm kept me awake all last night. All night.

51:41Of course, I confronted him about it the next day. I knocked on his door, said, Trevor, are you coming out? What's going on last night? to, uh, no answer, no.

51:55That's a dick move, that is.

52:02I used to work on a circus on a cruise ship. Met some great people. Met my first wife, the bearded lady. She wasn't part of the circus, no, she was from Maine. Thank you.

52:21Bit of a great guy, the human cannonball. Great guy, do anything for anyone. Always went the extra mile.

52:30Actually, that's how we lost him at sea.

52:35There's no finding him either, because he was a midget.

52:42I'm sorry, we can't use that word, no, can we? It was a midget.

53:02Nice to go on this stage and find someone paler than me.

53:12Any cruise ship lovers in here while we're talking about cruises? What is wrong with you? they say at every given time of the year they 17 people a year disappear overboard never to be found again that's not enough on a weekend cruise I have a list of at least 50 women and children I want to throw overboard now there are men too but women and children first

53:56Brian Redban:Sir Winston Pickles, I have some more questions now. Amazing. Amazing. It's fun to just sit back and watch someone do comedy for a little bit. I like your style. You're so different than everybody else. Did you work on cruise ships for a bit out of Florida? No, that was a big lie. Oh, okay. Let me ask you this. Have you met any other people out there, like women that have clown fetishes? Is that a thing? Have you noticed that? A few. I try to stay away from them. They're fucking weird.

54:37So do you have, like, a wife or a girlfriend or something? Yeah, she's at home in the basement. Right.

54:45And she likes you clown. Do you ever hang out with her in the clown makeup? Yes. And does the carpet match the drapes? Is there like a red nose on it? Shiny and red, yes. It's a what? Shiny and red. Shiny and red. When's the last time you were in England, Sir Winston Pickles? Oh, a decade ago. Good. We were just there, and holy shit. I have to apologize for that. Yeah. It's a real mess. My people, yeah. These people. It's a mess. Do you do the Lady Di joke in England? No.

55:29Brian Redban:Fantastic material, Sir Winston Pickles. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. This is a big Kill Tony joke book made by the Great Bones Eye. Right, Ben? I just want to say, the last four arena shows, I've seen you in the audience. And I've been like, what the fuck is going on here? It's so great to finally see you. I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday, if you're good. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Here you go. Sir Winston Pickles has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. A dark and dirty clown, just what we've always wanted here. There he goes. Sir Winston Pickles. He's our favorite clown.

56:12Brian Redban:We always like it when he comes to town. All right, your next bucket poll, ladies. This looks, I mean, again, this is another wild name. And it's a one-word name. Make some noise for offender. Holy shit. This should be interesting.

56:32Hell yeah, dude. It's a new year. It's a new me. that's what I've been telling myself this year I've been working on my New Year's resolution which is to quit smoking cigarettes this year I came up with a new technique it's where I like to picture the cigarette something I would never put in my mouth so if you were to guess a big black cock you'd be correct now I don't know why it has to be big or black just seems scarier and I know I got some supportive friends because they never get mad at me when I get down on my knees I say hey man you got a lighter but boy do they get pissed when I take off my hat and say hey will you hold my hair there was some good news to this whole situation it'd be I'm not homophobic or racist alright All right.

57:37Brian Redban:Wow, offender. My goodness. That was the worst tragedy in Texas in the last five days.

57:59Wow. Offender. My God. What's up, buddy? What the hell was that, dude? It's tough to follow Sir Winston Pickles, isn't it? You win some, you lose some. I felt great about it. This is awesome. Have you won some? Yes, sir. Okay. I'm here right now. All right. This is a win. Okay. All right. Offender. There you go. There's people in the back like opportunity. It doesn't matter what you do with it, but you did get pulled out of the bucket. Tell us about you. What the fuck was that? Let's start there. You've been working on that? You've been running that at open mics? Gets laughs? Yeah, it kills. Really?

58:46It does. I don't want to sell it now. I mean, if it sucked, it sucked. I'll get better. Offender, what's going on in your actual life? Let's talk about it. Tell us about you. So I live on my short bus. I travel around Austin. I do nothing but comedy. I've been hosting now. I've been here for six months. This makes 312. 312 mics that I've done since moving here. Wow. I've done it in Nashville. I went to New York just to test the grounds before you guys go to MSG to understand how the subways work, what is this like. Wow. You're ready to bomb on every level. No, sir. absolutely incredible wow it's all right i love it that's how it goes yeah you're paying your dues 312 open mics what's the worst it's ever gone describe to us what well apparently right now but that's that's news to me i'm i'm disappointed with that but i feel like i just got off a bull and i sucked and so i maybe i need to work harder and better i mean okay this is going nowhere No, I mean, ask me anything else.

59:59What do you want to know? I just asked you, what's the worst in open mics ever gone for you? This isn't an open mic. You're in front of millions of people right now. You are correct. Uh-huh. I had a mic that I was hosting. Uh-huh. This is a true story. It just happened last week. And some people came in interrupting. It's a bar show. Uh-huh. And so as a host, I tried to gain them back. and I told these people that this was not a movie theater and they didn't like that. That was not appropriate.

1:00:34Brian Redban:When you say you told these people, what do you mean by these people? Can you describe them for us? They were nice people. Yeah? They like rap music. Okay. Yeah. Fried chicken. Okie dokie, that's enough. We got it. We got it. All right, Offender. So, you've been on this show before, right? One time before. But your name was different then. No, it was Offender. It was Offender? That's right. It's all coming back to me. With a Kill Tony bingo board tattooed on his thigh. You do have a Kill Tony bingo board tattooed to your thigh. I do. Wow. This is our fan base, everybody, if you're wondering. if you're wondering if you're sane or not for loving this show, this is the guy that has the...

1:01:25Have you ever seen The Rock that comes with the Cam Patterson shirt? No. You've never seen it? Here. It's okay. I'll just hand it to you. That's fentanyl. Okay. Alright, Offender. You already have a little joke book? I have a big joke book. I gave you a big joke book? What the fuck did you talk about possibly in that interview last time in which you got a big joke book. I had been to prison. Ah, okay. I had been to prison. I know prison had an effect on me though, especially when it comes to women. Okay. Because now instead of buying them flowers, I just give them honey buns. Okey dokey, offender.

1:02:05I'm going to go shoot myself. Here's a little joke book to go with the big one. Here you go. Boom. Here, take that.

1:02:14Brian Redban:There you go. Offender, everybody. I am offended. I am offended. All right. Wow. Sometimes it just gets a little fucking sad in here, you know what I mean? Make some noise for your next bucket pool, Sonny Castillo, everyone. Sonny Castillo.

1:02:44So I recently bought a used dog from the animal shelter.

1:02:52And she was a bit harder to take care of than I thought she would be, so I needed help. So I went and got a used girlfriend from the woman's shelter.

1:03:08I could never turn down a rescue. And earlier this morning, we were getting ready to go to work, and she kept complaining that she had a muffin top. And I was like, nah, you look fine, cupcake.

1:03:33So my friend Maricella just opened up the world's first gay ice cream parlor. She calls it Madi Cones.

1:03:45Brian Redban:Thank you. Sonny Castillo. Welcome, Sonny. Is this your first time on the show? Yes, it is. Nice. How long have you been doing stand-up? About 14 years. 14 years. Where at? San Antonio? No. Yes, Austin. I haven't really left Texas. I was mostly around here. Mostly around here. Okay. Austin, Houston. What do you do for work, Sonny Castillo? I work at a courthouse. Okay. What do you do at the courthouse? We call people that have warrants, and we try to help them to avoid being arrested by police. So we're like the good guys. So you try to call them in? Yeah. It's easy because a lot of them are my family members.

1:04:29Ah. Very good, Sonny. I like that. Yeah, we know a lot of Castillos. Big family you got. Yes, yes. I actually have over 80 first cousins on my dad's side. Wow. So we might be related.

1:04:43Brian Redban:Look at that. 80 cousins. You might be related to these two as well.

1:04:53Okay. Sonny, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of Sonny Castillo? So I used to do photography, and during the pandemic, I started doing action figure photography, and so I started doing action figure reviews on YouTube. Wow, Red Band is hard as a rock right now.

1:05:10Brian Redban:That's absolutely incredible. Action figure reviews on YouTube. Is that taking off, kind of? Is it getting popular? I'm monetized, so I get a couple hundred bucks a year from it. A couple hundred bucks a year? Wow. It's something that I was already doing. so I was like, might as well make a little bit of money from it. I love it. Okay. Very interesting. It's childlike behaviors. I'm going to check in with Greg Fitzsimmons here. Well, look, I don't want to be harsh on the guy who's got a necklace with a revolver on it. Is that something you wear to the courthouse? Yeah, it's a 1911. It's not a revolver.

1:05:45It's semi-automatic. It's a G.I. Joe. Oh, God. Yeah. Have you ever shot somebody? I haven't, but I've been really close. When you say you've been really close, What are we talking about? So I was at Lakeline Mall one day, and I was in the parking lot, and I saw a dude beating on an old woman. So I hopped out, and I stuck a 40 cal in his face. Wow. Told him to stop. Amazing. He listened. You're an American hero. Those rings, where did you steal those from?

1:06:21Actually, it's funny. Most of these are street value, so we paid what they cost on the street. What does that mean? Explain to us non-criminals exactly what you mean by that. I'm not saying they're stolen. I'm not saying they're not stolen. But the person we bought them from seemed like a legit guy.

1:06:44One's a wedding ring. That came from Kay Jewelers. It doesn't look like great metal. It looks like the kind of metal where if you pulled the ring off, you would still have a ring on your skin. Wow. Technically, I do because of the sun, but yeah. Yeah, there you go. So you're married? I am married, yeah. How long have you been married for? We've been married going on six years. Six years. What does she do? She works for the state. Okay. Not quite sure. I know she's in front of a computer. You have no idea what your wife of six years does for a living.

1:07:23Yeah, she does something. Okay. Where'd you guys meet? Actually through a mutual friend on Facebook. So before the Facebook dating thing, we met. Okay. First date, what'd you do? I asked her where she wanted to go. I was like, we got Taco Bell, Golden Chick, or Little Caesars. She chose Taco Bell. Wow, okay. She's Latino as well? Yes. Amazing. I was straight up with her. I was like, look, I'm O2 Eastside. I'm not really fancy. When you say O2 Eastside, what exactly do you mean by that? Born and raised here, Austin, Texas, O2 East Austin. O2 East Austin. Michael, can you translate that for me? What exactly does that mean?

1:08:10O2 East Austin. Pre-gentrification.

1:08:14Brian Redban:Oh, okay. Yeah. I know what that means. So it was kind of like the hood. Yeah, you could say that. Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean, most people do. Mm-hmm. and what do you think about your lovely city nowadays? Are you one of the complaining locals that says it was better back in the day? Like that guy with the Buc-ee's shirt and the hat over there? I'm kind of torn between the whole gentrification thing because it's like, yeah, they ruined our neighborhood, but they also made some of my people some money. So it's kind of between the two. That's true. Yeah, and now East Austin has sidewalks. We never had those before, so that's nice.

1:08:52and the police come out now if you call them. Never had that before either. Yep. That's a thing. Sidewalks and police officers. It's amazing what's going on here. I liked your material, Sonny. Very fun times. You are getting a big joke book. Congratulations, Sonny Castillo. How fun.

1:09:12Brian Redban:We're getting through it. We have another very special treat for you, ladies and gentlemen. This is a truly inaction-packed episode. This is a Hall of Famer going up right in the middle of the goddamn show. One of the most famous regulars in the history of the show. Famous for his roasting and stand-up ability. Ladies and gentlemen, a rare mothership appearance by the great and powerful David Lucas, everyone. Oh, my God.

1:09:44Yeah. A plane in India just recently crashed heading to England, and 176 Indians died. And since that plane crash, scam calls have been down 50%.

1:10:05Apple has no more tech support. It's crazy. You gonna call Apple and talk to a nigga that sounds like me. Can you help me with my phone? Have you turned that motherfucker off yet, bitch? Turn it off and turn it back on. I can only imagine what that plane smelled like. God damn, bro. If I would have been driving that plane, I probably would have crashed it too. Oh, no!

1:10:34When it crashed, it probably smelled like somebody was barbecuing a goat. It was... They were like, who was barbecuing an hotel?

1:10:45It's so weird how women with purple and blue hair want us to give a fuck about the Middle East. You know what I'm saying? Like... Nobody really gives a fuck about the Middle East, because if you did, you'd take your ass over there. If they want me to give a fuck about the Middle East, you're gonna have to give the Middle East an NFL team. That's the only way...

1:11:07Yeah.

1:11:11I love to watch the Palestine Packers. You know what I'm saying? All right, that's about time, David Lucas. Thank you.

1:11:18Brian Redban:David lights out Lucas. Look at Tony. My man. Gay-ass niggas. Wait, what? You're just going to start like that, you fat motherfucker? We're just going with the... If Tony was a gamer, he'd play Call of Booty. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yo ass zipped up, nigga. I love this look. I love it. You have your own fucking equator around you. It's incredible. Look like you're ready to take a yacht trip to a McDonald's. Why you so zipped up, nigga? That HIV medicine kicking your ass. That KFC medicine's kicking yours. You are bigger than ever. You gayer than ever, nigga. I mean, I... And your face look like a baboon's ass.

1:12:12That motherfucker, you look like you just got slapped in the face with a cherry pie, nigga.

1:12:20Brian Redban:I won't do the baboon comeback joke that I want to do right now. I'm going to reserve that and hold that back because I like working. Is that a vest? What is that, bro? Yeah, it's a vest. What the fuck is that? A sweatshirt. Just because you... You dressed like a gay sniper, nigga. Your ass. Put the scope in my ass.

1:12:53I love this new look, though. You look like you're... You look like you're going to get on an unsinkable ship of some kind. It is incredible. Are you wearing that because you eat a yacht? Get out of here, D-Madness. Yeah, Deep Madness. Deep Madness making a big deal. Fucking T-Moo Stevie Wonder looking ass, nigga.

1:13:34Superstitious.

1:13:40Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. That blind-ass nigga out of here laughing at that shit. He ain't never seen me or you. He don't even know what gay look like, nigga laughing. He don't know what fat look like. He can only imagine it. I probably look like a fucking rainbow cloud in that nigga head.

1:14:16Brian Redban:I cannot believe you called him Timu Stevie Wonder. That is a four-year elephant in the room that we've been avoiding. I don't think he's ever going to be the same after that. This might be the first time that he doesn't come back from peeing. Oh, my God. Hell, yeah. Back to you, Stevie Wonder Bread over here. Have you been... It seems like you're losing weight. Is that true? Yes, sir. I've been working out. I got a personal trainer now. You do? Yeah. Oh, my God. What type of workouts does he have you doing exactly? A lot of ass stretches. Competitively eating hot. What are you doing? You do penny shoots out the ass.

1:14:56Let me get 45 penny shoots. What the fuck does that mean?

1:15:00Brian Redban:What type of workouts are you doing to lose the weight? A whole bunch of bullshit, man. I fucking hate it, bro. Every time he'd be like, we got two more sets. I'd be like, nigga, I'm about to eat. I hate working out, dog. I don't want to take the glute-tied shit. Yeah. But I'm working out, yeah. That's good. Yeah, just eating less. That's pretty much it. This is all good. Greg, it's been a while since you've seen David Lucas. You look great, man. What's up, Greg? Yeah. You don't. You look like you just got bit by a vampire, nigga. Yeah. You got two holes on the side of his neck. I got two what?

1:15:38Holes on the side of your neck. You need a blood transfusion. That's what I'm talking about. Is that another AIDS joke? There's a lot of AIDS jokes going around tonight. You look symptomatic, nigga. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anything I say, you got it. Yeah. Yeah. Heartburn, chest pains? I don't know. Whatever it is, I'd take a little and drop some weight. Yeah. Take just a hint of AIDS, a couple drops of AIDS.

1:16:01Brian Redban:We've got AIDS. David has Kool-Aids. I don't even got one for Tony. I don't know what the fuck. What's that thing? What happens if you pull that yellow... Do you fill with more air? If I pull it, I'm going to air, nigga.

1:16:20It's off-white. It's a belt. Your boyfriend... Oh, my goodness. Couldn't even get my joke out, because Red Band want to play these Looney Tunes-ass sounds. Wait, no, pull it again. I heard something. That was...

1:16:38Oh, my God.

1:16:40Brian Redban:Oh, my God. David, what else is going on? You want to plug something? Man, I'm on tour like a motherfucker. I'm everywhere, bro. Tickets at davidlucascomedy.com, bro. Next year, I'm doing... Red Lobsters all around the country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nigga, you performing at HIV clinics. Get your motherfucking... All the rainbow houses across the world. You know what's crazy? In the city... So when me and my family moved to Macon, Georgia, bro, there was this thing for gay niggas called the Rainbow House, and they would house gay niggas with HIV, bro. And do you know one time somebody, a crackhead, broke into that place to try to do something?

1:17:18You know the word. I don't want to demonetize y 'all. R rhymes with rake. Oh, okay. so a crackhead went in there trying to rake an HIV person but he didn't know it was an HIV house oh shit that's real talk, it's called a rainbow house it closed down after that wow, did the guy get AIDS? I don't know, but he sued the city, nigga that's crazy isn't that interesting yeah, it's so weird for criminals, bro you can sue for anything, bro, like you can probably sue because you turned out gay, nigga, you know what I'm saying? you can sue the city of

1:17:55Brian Redban:your little smoke alarm trying to change the batteries over there that's his vape pen making that noise everybody the battery you want me to tell you something about smoke alarms bro so uh are you looking at your no what are you looking at your blood pressure right now what's going on so no bro i i got a new place in austin bro and uh brand new i was and uh i was in there one I was in there one week, and I went to buy smoke detectors at the Home Depot, and the next day, my smoke detectors were beeping. I think they sell niggas beeping smoke detectors. It was brand new, and it was already beeping.

1:18:35I didn't need to change no batteries. It's racist. I don't know a nigga without a beeping smoke detector. It's crazy. Are you sure you didn't just have something that you left in the microwave without opening the door, and it wasn't trying to alert you?

1:18:48Brian Redban:because you are guilty of a great many. All right, David, you're the man. Catch him on tour. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. Onward and upward we go. Yes, the man. One more time for David Lucas, everybody, the legend. All right, this is it. Bucket pool number seven. This looks like a fun name, too. Make some noise for Deepak Panny. Deepak Panny.

1:19:18Brian Redban:Come on, make some noise for Deepak, everybody.

1:19:24Okay, let's do this. Is it just me, or you guys also feel like Hollywood makes slavery movies once every year? Just to whippooritch black dude for 15 minutes? No, just me? Okay. I mean, I know it's acting, but come on, 15 minutes? like please stop that we all get it whips to the back are painful and I found out whips to the back are painful in my fifth grade actually relax nothing happened to me wouldn't it be funny if I just came up here and went my dad beat the shit out of me and I can't watch slavery movies anymore Nope, I watched Passion of the Christ. And we've all seen some kind of reenactment or a play where Jesus is getting beat up.

1:20:23I don't know why though. Apparently it's not enough to say that Jesus suffered and died for our sins. We have to actually see the, you know, precious love.

1:20:39Brian Redban:All right, Deepak Pani. Let me start off with this question. What? Yes, booze from the crowd. Very good. As of though you actually had to make that noise for us to know that it wasn't good. Your lack of laughter told the entire story. Deepak, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Two months. Two months. And where are you from, Deepak? Uh, India? India. Oh, my goodness gracious. So you're really born and raised in India. Greg Fitzsimmons, let's check in here. Well, I think this is a direct result of you guys getting rid of the drivers in your Ubers. We're going to see a lot more of this.

1:21:25That is true. They're going to need stuff to do. They're going to start chasing their dreams instead of picking us up. Deepak, how long have you been in America? By the sound of your accent, I'm guessing 25 minutes. One and a half year, actually. What? One and a half year. One and a half year. Adorable. And you came straight here to Austin, Texas? No, I study master's in Cleveland State. You what? I study master's in Cleveland State. You got your master's degree at Cleveland State? No, I'm still doing it. You're still studying. What are you trying to major in? Hopefully English. You can guess it, actually.

1:22:07Computer science. Computer science. Yes. Wow, Deepak. Don't you guys just automatically come with a master's degree in that? Aren't you teaching that class at Cleveland State? Okay, so what do you plan to do once you get a computer science degree from Cleveland State? How about a hand for D Madness coming in? He's back.

1:22:32What do you plan to do with your computer science degree? No idea. No idea. and how is Cleveland for you? What made you pick Cleveland, Ohio of all places? Dilapidated city. Couldn't get anywhere else. Okay. Were you not a great student? Nope. And why were you not a great student? Very rare for an Indian boy like you to not be a great student. So I was kind of good till my high school and then fell off. You think you have like a learning disability? Perhaps you have ADHD? What'd you say? I mean, ADHD? You know what I mean? When you call, like, Verizon Wireless Tech Support, how long does it take until you both break into Indian?

1:23:25I actually talked to a scammer once. He was a Pakistani, my neighbor. So we just chatted about, how did you get into this? So it was nice. He could speak Hindi. So how long, again, how long have you been in America? One and a half years. One and a half years. And what are some things that you find shocking?

1:23:50Brian Redban:Like what is super different here than India? Toilet paper. Toilet paper, yes. That's a big one. That's a big one. Um, how, what exact, explain to us when you're sitting on a toilet and you've gone number two, uh, what exactly do you do with the toilet paper? How many, uh, pieces do you think you use? No, I just bought a handheld bidet from Amazon and just... I think you lost him when you said when you sit on a toilet. Not hover over like a drone. So you have a handheld bidet. Yeah, my ass got chapped in a month or so. Your ex got chappy? My ass got chapped with the toilet paper, so. Right, it got chapped.

1:24:39Can't do it. Don't do it. So you have a handheld bidet that is hooked up to your toilet directly? Yeah, it just takes some plumbing. Takes some plumbing. Yep, no doubt about it. And so you kind of like, do you kind of like, do you go from the back side with that? Or do you go in between and up missionary position? Or do you go doggy style? Or do you... It's so crazy. It's hard to ask questions. It's hard to find new questions in 12 years of this show. But somehow, goddammit, we managed to do it. Explain to us the exact hand position of this hand potato. I think everyone goes front. can't do it like this.

1:25:25Do you look at the toilet afterwards and see some shrapnel? A little disaster area perhaps? Butter chicken? I just do...

1:25:37Butter chicken's not that popular in India actually. It's kind of sweet for us. But I just do one flush so everything's there when I see it. Okay. Deepak, what's your love life like? You have a girlfriend? Nope. No? Have you been on any dates since you've been to America? Nope. Not a single date? Nope. Have you kissed an American girl? Nope. Do you want to? Nope. No, you don't want to. Very interesting. Are you into specifically only Indian women? Nope. This might kind of sound gay, but I can't do one-night stands, actually. What about one-night stands? Can't do it. You can't do it? You want to fall in love with somebody?

1:26:24No, not that. I just want to know the person before I show them my dick. Wow. Okay. And where do you think you get this from? Is this something your parents taught you or religious or something? No, but I just kind of figured it out.

1:26:42Have you been with a woman before? Are you a virgin? No, I've been with many. You've been with many? Is that what you said? Yeah. Okay. Is that a big deal? What? Is that a big deal? Is that a big deal? Sorry, go on.

1:27:03I mean, you've been with many women. Is that expensive? Does that add up? For them. I love it. I love it, Deepak. What's an interesting fun fact about you that you think makes you different than anybody that's ever been on this show before? I started doing comedy because I think comedy is dying right now.

1:27:29Brian Redban:You think it's dying right now? Okay, that's a very interesting take. There are no more Doug Stanholms, Bill Hicks, Collins. Nope. There's just a bunch of people I see in the open mics trying to be cool. Retard this, retard that. You're gay. I'm autistic. Okay. So, you know. I guess, Deepak. The real ones here. What? I don't really get it, Deepak. I'm going to get you out of here, Deepak. Have you thought about taking a plane from London back to India? Here's a little joke book. Oh, jeez. There he goes. Deepak Panny, everybody.

1:28:22Brian Redban:Just a little warning. There might be a suicide bombing outside after tonight's show. Just a little something to keep an eye out for. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? All right.

1:28:43Brian Redban:Make some noise for your next bucket pool. John Bechdel. John Bechdel.

1:28:52Austin, Texas, how's it going? Give it up for the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Kemeny, y 'all. How many of y 'all are on dates here tonight because, like, war was declared for a second? That, oh, look, I'm scared to go to war, pussy, you know? Like, how many here? Men are dogs, am I right? Men are like dogs. White women fuck them occasionally. They took down the... they took down the billboard outside my place of the kid who OD'd on fentanyl I guess he got better like give it up for that guy give it up for the sleepy time t-bear that motherfucker's been sleeping on the job for 40 fucking years has anyone checked him?

1:29:35it might be like the dead the entire time t-bear like motherfucker OD'd on hibiscus yeah so yeah I'm really glad we didn't go to war cause like if a new kid outside San Diego I don't think Mountain Dew would last after the Baja Blast of 2025.

1:29:55Yo, those Ninja Turtles, they're always saying cowabunga. Those motherfuckers should be asking howabunga. I work in food service. I have to deliver pizzas in the street. Hell yeah.

1:30:06Brian Redban:John Bechtel, welcome to the show. Wow. My goodness gracious. Hey, nice meal. I love your energy, John. I appreciate it. Tell me, thank you very much. Incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up? A year and change. Okay. But, like, I used to, like, host things, like, growing up and whatnot. Okay. An open mic in Chernobyl, perhaps, or something like that? Greg Fitzsimmons. Well, a year and change. I would emphasize the change part a little bit. Yeah, I've been doing stand-up for, like, a year or so. I used to host a drunk history thing. That was my friends. It was just kind of like a group effort.

1:30:55Me and these brassy lesbians just watching WWE. It was a blast. I love it. Did that show take place inside of a large microwave, perhaps? Alleyways. You are an interesting guy. What's your ethnicity? What are you? Very white. Yeah. Yeah, no, like German-Irish. Okay, German-Irish, and you drink a lot. Oh, well, for German-Irish, you know. I try to make a good effort. Yeah, no, I've been living in Texas for 25 years now. I love it. Okay. Where were you at before that? East Coast, Baltimore. Okay. All right. What do you do for work exactly? I'm a fucking waiter, and it sucks. Right. Okay. I've been doing that for 16 years.

1:31:39Okay. Yeah. That's good. Is it like you make good money doing it? I try to. You know, it's - Is it a pizza restaurant? Tony. A genuine question. Tony, I've moved on. Okay. I've retired from the pizza restaurant. What kind of restaurant is it? It used to be a pizza restaurant. Right, yeah. Awesome. Okay. No, I got fired from a couple of those. What did you get fired for? Let's talk about that. Let's talk about the firings of John Bechdel. You can't ask your old dipshit boss. He used to sit in the office, text all the girls in the kitchen, like videos of him riding his fucking BMX bike, being like, you knock on the door, it's like, yo, what the fuck do you even do at this job?

1:32:20Yeah, you can't show up late after doing that.

1:32:23Brian Redban:I have no idea. Somehow I understood Deepak Pari better than you. One saw a guy chop his hand off. It was crazy. You saw a guy chop his hand off? Yeah, there was these Nacogdoches twins. They're from East Texas. Just whatever goes on in those woods. Who knows? So this guy, this dipshit, sells me a broken PS3. The saran wrap melts. He takes this knife, and we're all just looking at this guy, and it's like, this motherfucker. He walks over to the saran wrap, cuts it open. It's like, it's perfect. It works. For some reason, he swings again, chops off his hand. I never got money back for that PS3.

1:33:16How's it going, Austin, Texas? Give up for yourselves, y 'all. John, have you ever been arrested before?

1:33:25Actually, I have. Once.

1:33:27Brian Redban:Okay. Once. What was that for? On February... Oh, it was April 18th. The night of April 18th, 2013. Look it up, y 'all. You're not going to tell us? It's the night the Boston Bombers got caught. So I'm watching that shit in the drunk tank. Everyone's hooting, hollering, and all these fucking cops keep on walking up to me, and you're like, you're the motherfucker who works at that goddamn sandwich restaurant. I worked in sandwiches before pizzas. Tony. John, you are something else. What are you on exactly? For legal reasons, I am sober for two years eventually. Yeah. But seriously, what are we on?

1:34:14Adderall and whiskey? What is the exact combination? I smoke a lot of now legal substances.

1:34:24Brian Redban:Oh, you brought out a little. You got a little gun there all of a sudden. It's Texas, Tony. Welcome to Texas. All right. Thank you. I've been here five years, but yes, thank you for the big welcome. It's nice. Hey, welcome. What are you on? That's the question. Oh, I smoke a Halloween. You smoke a Halloween. But where do you get this energy from? Okay, I can't get diagnosed for, you know, Asperger's or autism. They're just like, you're annoying. Okay. So, you know. I would get another opinion on that. I rely on my friends with ARL prescriptions. You know what? It's a very, very rare happening.

1:34:57Only once every few months does Matt Muelling, our electric guitarist, speak up.

1:35:02Brian Redban:He has asked permission to speak, and he will speak now. This is Matt Muelling. John Dees also smokes a hell of a lot of weed. Yeah, but his weed is white. His weed is green.

1:35:23John, here you go, buddy. Here's a little joke book coming at you. John Bechdel, ladies and gentlemen. Good night, y 'all.

1:35:31Brian Redban:There goes John Bechdel. We've had some wild bucket pools here tonight. All right, here's another one. This is a very interesting name yet again. And the name is I Am Frank. Make some noise for I Am Frank. Okay. Hello, Kill Tony Universe. It's great to be back. You know, they told me that my comedy would take a huge step forward if I told jokes that my audience here in Austin found more relatable. so I no longer trust black people.

1:36:16Why are their pants so low? No, relax, folks. It's only jokes. It's only jokes. And that joke is funny, D-Madness, because I, too, am a black man. Didn't want to leave him in the dark on that one. No, no, no, okay. I don't think everyone here in Austin is racist, but it's hard not to feel that way when you've seen the things I've seen. Someone called me the N-word in traffic. Yeah. I cut him off, but he got unusually perturbed. Started yelling slurs. Swipe-swipe me. He even threw banana peels at my car. That's when I said, I will never play Mario Kart online in the city again. No.

1:37:16Yes, I have. Okay. Did it go better last time? It went exactly how it was supposed to go. Okay. What does that mean, exactly? It went exactly how it was supposed to go. That's what it meant.

1:37:31Brian Redban:Someone just pointed out that his zipper's down, and that is very sad. This is really... We've really taken a turn here. It's very, very interesting what's happening tonight. Some very rugged bucket pools. I don't know if they're underprepared or maybe the nerves are getting to them. How do you feel, Frank, right now? How do you feel? You're looking out there into the crowd. You're staring at them deep in their souls. Bro, we're here. We're on Keel Tony. You are correct. What's up with the wrap around your arm there? Did something happen? Yes. What happened? It's very tragic. What? I donated. I donated plasma today.

1:38:16Okay. You do that to make money. From time to time, yeah. I do it. How much money did you get from your plasma today? I'm not sure. You didn't even pay attention? to the amount of money that you got paid strategically for donating plasma, which is what you did to get money today? You know, it's not about the money for me, Tony. I'm in it for the love of the game.

1:38:41Brian Redban:All right. Frank, you got a little joke book last time? We're just gonna keep it moving, Frank. How about a hand for Frank, everybody? I am Frank. I'm gonna fix this. I'm gonna fix the momentum in the room right now by doing something absolutely insane. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring to the stage a man who is eventually going to be a citizen of the United States of America. A man who remains at this moment the Estonian assassin. This is a brand new set from the one and only Ari Matty.

1:39:34Yo, yo!

1:39:38You know how they're like diversifying all the movie franchises now? They're making like a gay James Bond. He's got to suck so much dick to get those passwords.

1:39:58They're doing Taken, you know, Taken with Liam Neeson. They're doing one with a black dad.

1:40:09The phone just keeps ringing.

1:40:19Sorry, baby. Had to make a stop.

1:40:26Feminists are upset. They're trying to cancel the new Catwoman movie that's coming out because the new Catwoman is Zoe Kravitz. A banging bitch. And the feminists are saying, why does Catwoman always have to be some supermodel? Why couldn't Catwoman be like a plus-size model?

1:40:54she needs to climb you ever see a fat cat

1:41:04bitch you can't be cat woman you can be Garfield thank you so much

1:41:14Brian Redban:there is levels to this ladies and gentlemen And there he is, the arrival. Look at that shirt. You're so patriotic. God damn right. That's right. Happy Fourth of July, you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. So excited. It was my first Independence Day. Tell us. Tell us how you, what did you do? How did you enjoy it? Well, it was just fun being in a country where I can celebrate victory for once.

1:41:50In Estonia, we don't have any of that fucking, woohoo! We did it! Every one of our holidays is like, on this day. 50 ,000 men, women, and children taken against their will. We got fucked. Estonia gets historically kind of bullied by the bigger countries around it, huh? Well, yeah, we're tiny. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's hard. We'll do whatever everyone else is doing, you know? Did you guys ever win, like, a big battle? Nothing like it? Nothing really? Well, uh... When the Soviet Union collapsed, we kind of... We did a thing where we just sang.

1:42:37Ah, perfect. Okay. Guess that counts. Yeah. And you guys do that? Is that, like, a holiday there? It's, like, a singing day? Yeah, we sing all the time. We get together, we sing these horrible songs. You know, none of them are a banger. John Dees wants you to... Is there, like, a famous one?

1:43:00No, no, no, no, no. You don't want to sing a little Estonian fucking... I actually don't know any of the lyrics. That's the issue. I've literally just mumbled along my whole fucking life. All right. Greg Fitzsimmons. Do you, whenever you... First of all, it's always great to see you. You're fucking great. You're too great. But is there ever going to be like a homecoming? Like, is there an arena to play in Estonia? Is there like a big venue you want to go home someday and play? Yeah, I've done it. Oh, you have? Yeah. Oh. It's an arena? Not American standards. You know, it's... Right. An 80s eater, you know.

1:43:37It's a fucking... Okay. It's one of the biggest venues we got, you know? Nice. You packed it out. Yeah, 81, baby. Yeah.

1:43:51What do you like to do when you go home? I, well, sauna, you know? Dick out, sauna, dick out, sauna. I go to the bog. You know, you ever been to a bog? What's a bog? Bog. A bog. A bog. What's a bog? You know what a bog is. I have no idea. Nobody knows what a bog is. It's like a... Like a slug. Yeah! Oh, a bog. She knows. A bog, yeah. Hot springs. It's like, yes, no, not springs, but it's a dirty little spring. It's a dirty spring. Okay. Yeah. But it's quiet, you know. Yeah. Not a lot of ethnic people. It's serene. Yeah. Nobody talks too loud. Mm-hmm. Like Shrek shit. Everyone wears headphones.

1:44:37It's like Shrek, like swamp, like... Yeah, Shrek. That was a big movie for us. it was Shrek is about an imperialistic government taking a man's swamp it's our Schindler's List

1:44:59we got that swamp back you know what I'm saying the jokes were just unbelievable tonight I mean probably the best set of the night absolutely incredible all of it's so funny a movie-themed set because shit is crazy out there. They are really making some movies. Yeah, make your own shit, bitch. Yeah, they're doing some wacky stuff. I watched Gladiator 2 and Denzel Washington's just in it. He's just in it throughout and it just is impossible to not every time just go like, what's going on?

1:45:37Brian Redban:What are we doing here? Yeah. It's just a regular old Roman black guy. As we know. Yeah, no one's acting weird. Everyone's like, yeah, sure, tell us what to do. He's giving orders to other Romans and stuff. It's like just so, it's pretty wild. Like we always suspend belief in movies, right? But like really stands out when they try to do these serious things. Yeah. They're really doing a black taken? I hope so. It's called Took. It's a movie about somebody's wallet. I have a very set of skills to stay the fuck away from my family.

1:46:25Brian Redban:Very fun. Well, Ari, I mean, you absolutely fucking destroyed. You did it again, Ari and Maddie, ladies and gentlemen.

1:46:34Brian Redban:We're going into overtime here. Let's get one more bucket poll up here. Make some noise for Kelly Lusk, everyone. Kelly Lusk, our 10th bucket poll. Hello, everyone.

1:46:52So I have this gay friend, and he's gotten into some pretty wild butt stuff lately. So now whenever he farts, it just goes... Tony has the same thing. You know what I'm talking about, right, Tony? Yeah, he's probably over there right now. Yeah. My friend's name is David, but I call him Anal Cave Dave. I think that's appropriate. And then he recently told me that he started getting into feet. He likes sucking on toes. I was like, oh, man, if somebody was, like, sucking on my toe, the only thing I could think about is when I go get a pedicure, the fucking cheese grater they bring out to grate the Parmesan off of my feet.

1:47:42It's like at Olive Garden, people. Just tell me when. Okay, I'm done.

1:47:48Brian Redban:Fucking disgusting. I know. Kelly Lusk. Right back to that bucket. We have a demented bucket here tonight. I don't know if anybody's paying attention to it. We have been saved by a lot of golden ticket winners and regulars. Sir Winston Pickles was the highlight of the bucket tonight. How was that? I was curious. You know Sir Winston Pickles? Well, I saw him, and I was, like, very curious how that went. Yeah, oh, it's great. We love Sir Winston Pickles. Fantastic. I can't wait to watch. Yep, yep. You're going to see it. You might want to skip your part.

1:48:21Brian Redban:Kelly, last time you were on you brought an adorable picture of you and your sister her sister looked like a cute normal little girl and Kelly looked like a Samoan boy Is your sister Rosie O'Donnell? So many comments about the Rosie O'Donnell a lot of comments about that Kelly, tell us something we didn't learn about you last time you were on Um Um, let's see. Something really weird about me is I have this thing called misophonia, where, like, weird, like, noises make me go into a rage. Uh. It's normally, like, mouth noises, you know, like, smacking. Exactly. That. All right, right, bam. It makes you go from, like, zero to, like, I will fucking murder you if you don't stop.

1:49:11Like, like that.

1:49:12Brian Redban:And have you, what's the angriest that you've gotten in public or something? Okay, so I was working with this girl one time, and she was, like, popping her gum, and she just over and over and over again. And, like, she didn't know I had this issue or whatever, and she just kept doing it, and I just turned around, and I was like, if you don't fucking stop popping your gum, I'm going to smack you in the face. I just totally went off on her. Wow. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. D-Madness is a master of mouth noises. Oh. Do you got anything for us? What do you got? Any fun mouth noises?

1:49:55Brian Redban:There you go. Nice. All right, Kelly, we're going to keep it moving. There goes Kelly Lusk, your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. Thank you, Kelly. And now, I mean, what an episode. What kind of episode has Jack Shaw, Fiona Cawley, David Lucas, Ari Maddy, Sir Winston Pickles? Who could forget some of the lowlights tonight? Offender, Sonny Castillo, John Bechtel, I Am Frank was very sad. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. and it is with the all-time record holder for appearances, interviews, sets, everything. The man has done it all.

1:50:46Brian Redban:God's favorite comedian. A man that they call the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, brought to you by nicked and open phone, the nicked nuisance, the open phone opus. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

1:51:17If an alien spaceship crashed right in front of me, I'd probably assume I was about to encounter a female alien.

1:51:33I found out recently Michael Jackson had my favorite amusement ride the zipper at his Neverland Ranch you know how awesome it would have been to go there as a kid ever been in a situation where you wanted to smoke weed but it wasn't 4 20 it's like 10 45 a.m Well, here's a quick stoner hack. Go to your oven set to 420 degrees. Doesn't matter if you don't have anything to cook. And then when you're done smoking, you're like, I want to keep smoking. No problem. Keep your oven at 420.

1:52:08Saddest thing was standing in line at Dollar General and out of nowhere turned gay. Okay, I turned gay, Tony, at the Dollar General. But why? Why would you do that? I was at the Dollar General. Isn't that what happens? People just turn gay? I thought people just turn gay. But why? Be born that way? Why would they? I think people just turn gay. Why would they turn gay at Dollar General? Because I'm at the Dollar General standing in line. I'm thinking, I don't know, but that's just where I turn gay. In my story in my head, that was what it was. I just turned gay at the Dollar General. What were you getting at the Dollar General?

1:52:43What do you like to shop for at Dollar General? Some Hawaiian punch. Ooh. Yeah. What else? What else do you like to get at Dollar General? Huh? Marshmallows. Ooh. Yeah, I love marshmallows, Hawaiian punch. Okay, what else do you get at Dollar General? Creamed spinach is always good there in the cans. Ooh, all right. Milk, 2 % milk. Okay.

1:53:04Maybe a toy or something? I don't know, Tony, but yeah. What kind of toys?

1:53:07Brian Redban:What kind of toys have you bought at Dollar General? Oh, man, you get the little Legos. This guy doesn't want to hear about any of it, Tony. Wow. Give a shit. It is such an odd time to use the restroom. Is that your husband, sir? Oh, you wish. Wow. Doing a little crowd work over here. This guy's on fire tonight. I'm sorry. I'm on one tonight. I have, again, my clogged carotid artery, so I'm trying to live life to the fullest. I have ten years. The doctors gave him ten years to live. Yep. Just trying to live life to the fullest and having a good time. And it was raining. It was so weird. I actually was at one of those camps.

1:53:56Oh, no. No, there's a hundred. I was helping look for people. There's a hundred people dead, William. I was helping looking for people. Did you see the article today about the Navy diver up in the helicopter? I was with that guy. What were you doing exactly with him? I was lowering the rope down. It was on this pulley system, and I had to lower the rope down really fast. Is there video of this? And I do it back up. Oh, my God. Yeah. You're in charge of that? Yes. How many people? They knew I was doing all the rowing, and they're like, okay, this guy's going to be strong enough. And, yeah, I helped save 100 people this weekend.

1:54:31Wow. Amazing. I'm surprised nobody clapped for that. That's incredible. Yeah, a little fucked up. A little fucked up. So what types of people did you save? What did they look like? Oh, my gosh. It was, well, this was a bunch of whites. I was thinking maybe the Hispanic people or something, but it was mainly white people at these camps. Very interesting. Why do you think that is? Why do you think there's so many white people at camps? I don't know. Honkies be crazy, man. I mean, honkies, I don't know. I was always scared of getting homesick, so I only went to day camps growing up. Ooh, day camp.

1:55:12What did you like to do at day camp? Fuck. I used to love making pottery at day camp. I used to love going in the lake. All kinds of stuff. It was really fun. I'm trying to think of more stuff. Yeah, take it nice and slow. Think of some stuff that you love to do at camp. Name something.

1:55:33Brian Redban:Red band, help me. No, no, red band can't help you. It can't be part of the thing. You got to just think of things on your own. What would you do at the camp? Why don't you name some more things you get at Dollar General then?

1:55:50Brian Redban:I'm sorry, I'm freezing up. I'm freezing up. Maybe a motherfucking Slinky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of fun. It's kind of fun to do you. Maybe a motherfucking Candy Boat. Ooh, I like this. Ooh, okay. Um, uh... Maybe, like... Maybe, uh... Basketball! Oh! They got basketballs for a dollar? Yes, a dollar general. Are they, like, tiny? Uh, okay. What else? Maybe a motherfucking... Live-action Snow White doll. No, not that. Dumbass. God, you know how to really fucking butcher a fun thing Tony and I are doing together, dumbass. Yeah. Fucking idiot. Maybe a motherfucking marble. Yeah. A single marble.

1:56:47A banana. Yeah. Maybe an apple.

1:56:57Brian Redban:These people are not entertaining. I'm sweating and ugh. You are. Your carotid artery is acting up. I know. My neck is constantly hurting now, Tony. It feels like my neck. It feels like I can feel the plaque in my neck. Wow. It's fun to be here, Tony.

1:57:22What else do you get at Dollar General, William? Shit, Tony. I mean, I've been getting a bunch of puzzles. He loves puzzles. I know. I'm still stuck on one, Tony. It's been a month. What's the puzzle that you're stuck on right now? It has all these women's hands with different colored fingernail polish. Whoa. They're like grabbing stuff on a table, and it's like a couple lobsters. It's different seafood items, but the hands are hard as fuck, and the table's a white table, so it's just a really hard puzzle, so I'm about to call it quits. And I bought two more, so I have two more ready in the chamber, but I'm about to call it quits on this one.

1:58:01You got puzzles in the chamber. I got two of them in the chamber, Tony. Oh, wow. You got puzzles in the chamber Oh, my goodness. What are the other puzzles that you have in the chamber, William? Oh, well, I'm really looking forward to the one. It's like somebody just opened a refrigerator. So it's a bunch of different foods in the refrigerator. What types of foods are in the refrigerator? Fuck. We're talking a watermelon, don't we? Whoa. I don't know. Sandwiches, all different guns.

1:58:32Brian Redban:William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. and the Red Goat is thriving. Business is booming. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. Make some goddamn noise for the great Greg Fitzsimmons. He's going to La Jolla, Potsdam, PA, Point Pleasant, New Jersey. Fitzdog.com, F-I-T-Z-D-O-G.com. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight, live in-house. Ooh, all right, Matty, look at that. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Thank you to Nick, Nicotine Pouches, and Open Phone. This was so much. Did you guys have fun tonight? So did we, Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip.

1:59:17Brian Redban:SunsetstripATX.com. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Good night.

1:59:40guitar solo

2:00:11The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:00:35Thank you.