#729 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + RYAN O'NEILL

19:16Yeah, yeah. I moved out to Colorado and I was just making music and music videos and stuff like that. Ladies and gentlemen, talk to Michael about a beat.

19:25Brian Redban:Michael, play it nice and light so that we can all hear exactly what the hell he's saying. And this, ladies and gentlemen, on a show where absolutely anything can happen is Surge AM. Yeah. I guess my set was actually pretty phony. I don't even know I got my 60 seconds on Kill Tony Clap it up, here we go once again When I shine, I will never show anybody that I pretend Yo, fuck it, my sister is gay I made it every day as my motherfucking host But you know that I don't even care about these hoes I'm a go-getter Yeah, that's me, everybody knows When I never fucking sleep, I write stupid jokes Yeah, that was exactly how I thought it was gonna go Serge, here's a little joke book Oh boy Wow Wow, there he goes Serge AM everybody, make some noise for Serge He tried his best Tried his best Oh, listen to that pop The great Heidi has arrived Everybody, there she is Live in the flesh Alright, keeping it moving along Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Jason Vest, everyone.

20:44Brian Redban:Jason Vest.

20:52I lost my virginity at the Asian massage parlor by a saggy, tittied, wrinkly, old-ass Asian woman that looked like Mr. Miyagi. She had a raspy voice. She was like, spread your eggs. Her name was Mama San. She taught me many lessons, and this is what she taught me. When paying for pussy at the Asian massage parlor, always tell Mama San you have a latex allergy. Even when you don't, there's a pretty good chance she cannot accommodate your request, and you'll get bareback sex for free.

21:38Make sure your happy ending ends with you nutting in that bitch's cervix.

21:49Yeah. Drain your ball sack, not your bank account. Always tell mama son, always ask mama son if she's got a new girl on rotation. Add some variety to your Asian Pussy portfolio, guys Jeez Alright, thank you

22:09Brian Redban:Alright, Jason Vest Admitting to rape As his comedy set tonight Whoa Whoa It's consensual How are you? Doing good, Tony I've always wondered what Santa's elves do in the off season This is Incredible Incredible. So last time you were on this show before and you did, you talked about a lot of crazy like sex stuff and here you are guns a blazing right on brand. Is any of this true? Oh yeah. I'm the Anthony Bourdain Asian pussy, man. I was always going to massage parlors. Wow. And what happened? You said that like it's in the past now. You no longer go. I'm reformed and now I just help men achieve success by giving advice, helping, helping my brethren out.

22:58How did you reform? How did I reform? I got married. Okay. And she said, well, you can't be having sex with Asian pussy anymore. So I've been married for 20 years, guys. 20 years. Wow. 20 years. No one's excited about that. To a woman. To a woman. She's gonna love this shit. Yeah. She's gonna love. Amazing. So Jason, remind us, how long you been doing stand-up? Five years. And what do you do for work? I'm retired from the National Guard.

23:25Brian Redban:Whoa. Wow. Thank you for your service, I guess. Where did you serve exactly? The North Pole.

23:38Brian Redban:There it is. The sweet Santa landed on the roof. He wants to see us. I was a recruiter for the National Guard in Jackson, Michigan, Lake George, New York, and I worked in Chicago, Illinois, too, for a little while. Okay, wow. Some of the places where we need our military the most. okay what's the craziest thing that happened what's the most like violent thing you had to do in the military at the national car most violent thing i ever had to do i never really had to do anything violent like and i was a recruiter so it's like a basic job people come in and they want to join the military you lie to them to get them to join it's just a simple process what's a trick you would use to get them to join i would tell them anything like let's say someone came in and they wanted to be a cook, right?

24:23Being a cook, nobody that joins the military wants to cook the damn food. They want to do like cool Rambo shit. So I'd be like, listen, you're going to be like an executive chef for the president or some shit. Oh, very good. I was a top recruiter for the Michigan Army National Guard, Tony, we talked about this. Wow, damn, brag a lot. Braggadocious. Incredible. Okay, Jason, what's something interesting about you that we didn't find out last time you were on the show? Something interesting about me, I am a compulsive eater. Oh, okay. Let's talk about it. I mean, my wife's got to hide the peanut butter jars.

24:55I am a compulsive eater. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I just treated for food. I just treated booze and everything for food and I just compulsively... What's the most piggish thing you've ever done eating food? I spent $45 in DoorDash from Whataburger. Wow. That's actually not that bad. Yeah, I see it.

25:17Brian Redban:It's like... I've seen your food order. I follow you. Yeah, those middle-of-the-night Instagram stories by Red Band. Windies. Oh, yeah. No doubt about it. Jason, what does your wife do? My wife is a photographer, and she works for an orthodontist office, and so she runs a call center. She works from home, and she helps me edit my videos. And remind us, what kind of videos are you making, Jason? I make content. I make a lot of massage parlor videos where I use my past experiences to help men get Asian pussy. Like, I do that as a service, Tony. No one needs this advice. Have you been? Yes, you just pay for sex.

26:02It's great. No, that's the point. He's teaching etiquette. How dare you? The condom is for your protection. Oh, no, I go bareback, brother. Bareback. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Bareback. You are the fucking weirdest dude. Can't quite figure it out. You're an interesting guy. What's the craziest video that you've ever made? The craziest video I ever made was a true story. So I got on Kill Tony last time and my social media clips blew up. I told a drunken story. And these big corporate whiskey lobbyists reached out to me and asked me to make content to get people to stop drinking Crown Royal. because in Canada, they're throwing American whiskey off the shelves over this Donald Trump tariff bullshit.

26:50And they wanted me to make videos. And first off, I grew up in Michigan on the Detroit border. I'm like, I didn't feel comfortable doing it. And the guy was like, it's$700 for a 30-second video. I'm like, fuck Canada. Some of the best stories are drinking American whiskey, am I right? Jack Daniels, hell yeah. Fireball.

27:12Brian Redban:All right, Jason. What size joke book did you get last time you left it? I got a big one. Okay, well, guess what? Here's a little something to add to your collection. It's a little one. Ah, the first catch of the night, Jason Best. There he goes, everybody.

27:32Brian Redban:Whoa. I just accidentally ripped this in half. That's a first. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. You guys having fun out there, huh? Couple of very odd bucket pulls to start the show, but it's okay. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. Patrick Lake, everyone. Patrick Lake.

27:56When cops that are looking to get laid get rejected, do they jump straight into, stop resisting, stop resisting, stop resisting.

28:12A doctor's office from my hometown was raided. The doctor there was arrested and charged with crimes related to trading sex for pills and sexual imposition on patients. And as a patient of that practice, when news broke, I couldn't believe that someone told. That was Dr. Feelgood. I went to doc for back pain and everything started normal enough Doc started checking me over and then doing those resistance checks, you know Don't let me push your arm down. Good then the other side Good don't let me pull your pants down. Wait what but before I could say anything my pants and drawers were at my ankles And doc said don't let me make you come well doctor and as i stood there getting topped off by my doctor i realized i didn't know my insurance covered this and i didn't even have copay patrick lake hello buddy how are you doing well how are you good how long you've been doing stand-up just celebrated three years okay well how did you celebrate by being worse than ever did you celebrate by burning every joke you've ever written and starting from absolute scratch Something like that, yeah.

29:31All right. Okay, where was this three years at? Hell?

29:34Brian Redban:I imagine that if you die and go to hell, you're the full-time comedian. You just keep doing your act 24 hours a day, and everybody has to stay awake and watch it all the time. Was it in hell? Close. Dayton, Ohio. Dayton, Ohio. Pretty close. One of the closest cities to hell on planet Earth. Patrick, what do you do for work? Material scientist. That's how I spend most of my career. What exactly is a material scientist? A nerd. I've got a background in chemistry and chemical engineering, and then specialize in nanomaterials. What exactly are nanomaterials? It's like an additive to composites and parts.

30:11Excellent properties into aerospace and defense applications, mostly used by the military. Do you have to wear a hard hat or a mask or something? Yeah, occasionally, yes. Yeah, like a mask? Mask, yeah. Okay. Is it dangerous? I mean, it can be if you were trying to eat it or breathe it. As long as you handle it safely. Have you ever seen anybody eat it or breathe it? No. You've never seen anything go wrong with nanomaterials? I personally have not. No, I'm trying to be safe practices and all. Are you thinking about all that fucked up shit while you're working with nanomaterials? No, I got into comedy as kind of a relief.

30:50A relief.

30:54Let's just take the night off. You ever drug and rape chicks in a hospital? Just trying to relax here, guys. Just trying to... My doc got me started off on the wrong foot, yeah. Okay. You married? I was just recently divorced. How recently did you get divorced? It finalized two months ago. Two months. Fresh on the market. How long were you married for? 15 years. 15 years. explain to me what went wrong.

31:28I think it was an accumulation of things, but it came as a big surprise to me. I thought we were in counseling. Let's talk about the accumulation, if you don't mind, because this is the most interesting thing about since you arrived at the stage. The interview here is kind of raw. Yeah, nanomaterials, yeah, pretty cool. Yeah, nanomaterials wasn't cutting it.

31:51so when you say there was an accumulation of things that the 15 years went wrong what do you mean exactly well she was catching a lot of bodies during those 15 years whoa okay alright how do you know she was catching bodies there were lots of signs can you give us some of the signs we're all very interested uh yeah uh well um uh stis oh shit okay now we're talking this is very compelling give this guy a

32:27Brian Redban:round of applause huh that's what i love about this show is all of a sudden it just hits you out of nowhere and at least i'm on the edge of my seat ryan o 'neill you feel good about this right yeah was this all happening while you were collecting turquoise like what

32:44Yeah.

32:49I got distracted, yeah. Maybe you should spend more time paying attention. Gotta keep your eye on the prize. That's right, yeah. It's a pretty stone, though. Okay. So STIs, and so you caught an STI. Which one? Out of curiosity. Actually, I didn't. She did. and it was just on one of those appointments i was like hey honey you want me to come along and oh shit you went along with her and i went along and you're in the room and the doctor says well you have um yeah oh i'm just gonna go ahead and send in some yeah that's a suspicious man right there i'm going with you yeah i want to see what it says my god i want to see the lab results yeah I find this so compelling.

33:35So can you kind of paint the picture for us? Yeah, I mean, like, she had a fishy smell, and I was like, you know, honey, this is a little bit odd. And then, you know, she was kind of trying to glaze past that with the doc, and I was like, you know, hey, honey, what about that little fishy smell? And then, you know, the doc did a swab, and as soon as she got close to my then wife, she said, oh, nope, I'm going to call in a prescription for antibiotics. and I said, well, do I need some too? And she said, oh, no, you'd be fine. There's only a... You sure she's just not Filipino? Shit, known for the smell.

34:13So the reason why you didn't need a swab, I'm guessing is because you guys weren't actively having sex? Yeah, the thing that she was diagnosed with there was BV bacterial vaginosis, which apparently us fellas don't have to take something for us. Right. so um so did she admit to you like on the spot on the drive home oh no no she's gonna deny until she's dead so she's like you know i mean yeah but how do you you don't get these things how do you know that she definitely did something i mean there were girls trips and there were you know there's uh she left her like message board open on the computer at home what messages did you see just out of curiosity.

34:55I mean, like, making plans for, like, you know, meetups in the woods when she'd go on. In the woods? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

35:05Brian Redban:The old jungle bird has arrived again. Go ahead. There's two reasons for that. One, I live in Yellow Springs, Ohio, so it's like a crunchy town, right? Okay. And two, she's Portuguese, and that's, like, where the prostitutes go into the woods, actually. Really? That's a thing with Portuguese women? Portuguese? Portuguese? It was wild. The first time I was in Portugal, driving to the beach. Portuguse? Okay. How do you know Portuguese women fuck in the woods? That is a stereotype I've never heard. I thought all I do all day is I study stereotypes. I've never heard this one. Yeah, we were on like a family excursion in Portugal to the beach.

35:53We had to drive through a section of a wooded area and there's clearly a prostitute standing at the edge of the woods. I was like, what is a woman doing in a nightgown at 11 o 'clock in the morning? It's not the environment. This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew, by the way. It's a little fun fact. ZipRecruiter and Shopify. Wow, this is so interesting. It's crazy. It's amazing. Were there any... Ryan O 'Neal. I like how you led with girls trips when you have messages of her meeting in the woods. You should have just led with that. She was indiscriminate in terms of gender. Hooking up with guys and girls.

36:36Interesting. Do you know what kind of Red Band's heart is a rock right now. Did she grow up here or did you import her? An import. You did? Yeah. You really did. Where did you find her? Online? We actually met at a conference. Yeah, we were at a scientific conference. Was it a sex addicts anonymous conference? Okay. No, it was like a science and engineering conference. I was like, wow. Yeah, I mean, you could take the girl out of Portugal, but you can't keep her out of those woods. You know what I'm saying? That's the old. That's right. It was a science conference? It really was, yeah. Was she a scientist too?

37:14Yeah, she is. Wow. You think she'd be better at covering her tracks. one would think. It must rule to be a kid in Portugal. Fucking go into the woods. It's just pushing everybody. That's all we did as kids. You go into the woods and ride bikes and shit. Look for pornos. There's just naked ladies walking around. It sounds like they're eating each other out. It's amazing. Build a fort, get your tics up. You know, the usual kid stuff. Wow. But you didn't have any kids with her or anything? Oh, we do. We have two kids. Oh, shit. Okay. So you got kids. Are they yours? They are, yeah. Yep. Like, yeah, my kids look exactly...

37:59I've got three kids. They all look exactly like me. Are you sure? Really? Are you positive? Like, really positive, yeah. Okay. I have a girlfriend now. Are you sure one of them doesn't look like a tree or something like that? Do you have a brother? I do have a brother.

38:16Brian Redban:Oh. There we go. Oh, is she ever hung out with your brother, perhaps? I mean, yes. Wow. I'm not too worried about that one, but... You should be. You should be. What does your brother do? He's a hunter.

38:42Amazing. Well, Patrick, like I said, the set was one thing, but you know what? Your fucking interview was so goddamn badass that I'm giving you a big joke book.

38:53Brian Redban:A big black one, just like your ex-wife probably has right now. Definitely. Thank y 'all. There he goes. Patrick Lake, everybody. Alright. Damn. Damn. That was a hell of an interview. Oh my goodness. Alright. This looks like a brand new name. I know it for a back. That's always exciting. Make some noise for Wisdom Anderson. Wisdom Anderson is the fourth bucket poll.

39:26God damn, that was a bad bitch up here. Shit! Where'd y 'all find her at? God damn. Let's get to the minute. Like, I heard y 'all talking about stereotypes earlier, and I probably did the blackest shit you could probably do. I got fired by a white woman on Juneteenth. Like, I mean, how the fuck does that even happen? I thought that was the one day y 'all was supposed to chill on us. Just the one fucking day y 'all supposed to chill on us. But God is a colorful asshole like that because if he would have did that, I wouldn't have been here. So I'm like, I know you was looking out for me. I know you was looking out for me.

39:57But I should have known though. Some shit started to happen different in my life. I started looking at white women a little bit differently. Started looking a little bit better to me. I said, I got to be coming to some motherfucking money because only money can get a white woman to start talking to you. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck is going on right now okay y 'all looking at me like this nigga is not fucking funny i knew i was going to get you with that one i knew i was going to get you with that one but i like to get into the riffing and shit i wasn't gonna come up with a fucking set y 'all gotta pay me for that this shit for free oh i i love it i love it i love it i love it okay wisdom anderson is that your real name wisdom fuck no i got a slave name my name is elgin Come on now.

40:42That's not some shit you get on your feet. It's better than wisdom. I mean... Wisdom sucks.

40:54Wisdom sucks.

40:57Brian Redban:Wisdom, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Better question. How do you look like both main characters from the hit movie White Man Can't Jump? You look like Wesley Snipes in the body and face and you have the hat of Woody Harrelson in that movie. You know what? It's Woody's hat and everything else, Wesley Snipes. This is incredible. You know what it was? I played baseball. That's what it was. You did. I played baseball. Okay, what position? Had two parents. That's why. Okay, let's go one question at a time here, Elgin. No, I'm kidding. Wisdom. All right. So how long you been on stand-up?

41:34Shit, I've been funny my whole life. In front of black people. I guess you just stopped before you came out here? Yeah, yeah. All right. So, how long you been doing stand-up? Mmm, 2021? Okay. I wrote my first joke during COVID. It was a fucked up time. Okay, relax. Let's just go one question. Are you on drugs or anything right now?

41:57Brian Redban:Next question. All right. Crack is the answer, everybody. So this is exciting. No, no, no, no. Just a little bit of trees. A little bit of trees. Okay, a little bit of trees. No cocaine. No weed ball. When you say a little bit of trees, did you fuck the last guy's wife? okay next question stick with me here i mean what do you do for work exactly did you really get fired on juneteenth why would the fuck i would come yes that really happened okay some people write jokes no no no that really i don't only talk about my real fucking life okay so okay very good you might want to try jokes you gotta switch it up i get paid for real jokes i wouldn't come up here and tell a real stick with me stick with me here wisdom now that's wisdom yeah hey how often you get paid for real jokes what are we talking about here um last october i did the house of blues in houston okay i mean how did you get that gig you didn't headline it right it wasn't live from the house of Blues, Wisdom Anderson.

42:58No, no, I was a feature act because I'm on the radio and I tell jokes on the radio. You're a DJ. A radio DJ? No, I'm a personality. I work for iHeart. So I actually write jokes for real. Okay, okay. Got it. Don't get mad with you. No, no, I'm great. Okay. So, you write jokes for the radio. The first joke that you wrote during COVID, what was that joke? Do you remember? It was about white people getting free kidneys. It was something about that. It was about alcohol and kidneys. Okay. You made D Madness a shame of his race.

43:31Brian Redban:So he's going to step away for a second. He's going to come back in white face. Okay. So, what job did you get fired from on Juneteenth? I was working at SMU. SMU. Explain to the people exactly. Y 'all know what that is. It's a lot of white people. They're Southern Methodist University. Okay, what were you doing at a university? What exactly were you mopping up at a university? I told you, Tony, I come from a two-parent black household. I played baseball. You know I got to be a little fucking smart. Okay, so let's go back to the questions, smart guy. What was the job that you had at the university?

44:17I was teaching tech. You were teaching tech? Yes. And how and why did you get fired? I made white children tears. You made white children tears. Yes. Okay, what did you do to make white children cry? I told them, hey, you're selfish. Okay, what was the context of this, Wisdom? He was being selfish. What was going on, Wisdom? He wanted the teacher to only solely focus on him. So I teach tech students to teach youth tech. So the teacher in the classroom... Wow, you're like tech nine. Okay.

45:05Brian Redban:Let's just get off of this whole confusing university thing. The ring around your neck. Whose ring is that? Where did you get that from? I mean, Amazon, you can find anything. You bought that off Amazon? Yeah, why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't I buy real gold? I can't really get that shit from Africa? Shit, why the fuck would I buy real gold? Every single answer that you've given on this show is psychotic. Yes, it's supposed to be. The last comedian that was up gave honest answers about his whore ex-wife and crushed. It was so interesting. You didn't ask about that. Well, I can tell you this. I haven't fucked in probably about 276 days, so that should let you know I'm married.

45:52That should let you know right there. Roughly. Right there. Roughly 276 days. Roughly 276. I've been keeping count. If any married men are in here, y 'all know the fucking problem. Y 'all know the problem. So you're married. Oh, y 'all don't? Oh, it's just me. Fuck.

46:10Brian Redban:I'm trying so hard with you. You are on the show right now. Do you know this? Yes. Okay.

46:19Brian Redban:You're married. This is where you would answer the fucking question. Okay. So the ring around your neck. When I asked, what's the ring? It's not a wedding ring. Okay. It's just a random ring. Just a random ring. And you don't wear a ring on your finger. No. Okay. Why? When you're not fucking at home, I gotta fuck somehow. My side bitch let me fuck. But you're not. But you just said you didn't have sex in two hours. Do you see why this interview isn't a real interview? I'm talking about my wife. Okay, so you're admitting to having sex. Stick with me here. You're admitting to have sex. This is why radio is completely dead, by the way.

46:58Brian Redban:It's because they don't really communicate with people. They're not thinking anybody's listening. I don't talk about this on the radio. Okay, I know you don't talk about this on the radio. You're not allowed, but you're allowed here. So you cheat on your wife? You already said it. I'm black. Now I'm just trying to ask you. I'm trying to confirm or where you could go. No, I was kidding. Look at me. You know bitches want to fuck me, Tony. Come on now. Oh, my God. Dude, I tried so hard. There he goes. Wisdom Anderson, everybody. There he goes. It's okay, Wisdom. There you go. There he goes. Wow. The rare, uncharismatic black man.

47:38Brian Redban:Very rare. A rare bird, if you will. A rare bird. No, that's not. The black bird. No, it's the rare African bird.

47:57Brian Redban:There you go. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, on this very interesting episode. Make some noise for Vinnie Flores, everybody. Vinnie Flores.

48:14All right. So, I'm a rookie to this comedy field, right? And one of the things that a lot of the veterans tell me is that you gotta be relatable. You gotta relate to your audience. So, has anybody here ever done crack or heroin? See, when I was 17, I shot crack one day and heroin the next day with my older sister. We were in a motel on the run from the police, and she was actively being pimped out. That's never happened to anybody here. I'm just trying to be relatable here, guys. Listen, I'm sorry, all right? You know, it's not my fault, okay, that you guys didn't have a family full of people that love to make memories.

48:58And speaking of my sister's pussy, yeah, you're goddamn right that shit got returned customers, ladies and gentlemen. That shit put food on the table. We had to leave every two hours. And, you know, that deserves a purple heart because her pussy got absolutely murdered. All right. Thank you. That's my time.

49:18Brian Redban:Okay. Vinny Flores keeping the exact momentum of every bucket pool so far tonight. This is incredible. Is it just completely insane people signing up now? It's exciting. No one wants to make it anymore, huh? People just want to come up here and absolutely just fucking flop around. Vinny, how long have you been doing stand-up? About five months now. Five months. What made you start? The show is a big reason and also We have to stop this show. We are no longer contributing to a positive comedy environment in the world. Okay. What do you do for work, Vinny? I work at a bar right now on 6th Street.

49:59Brian Redban:You're a bartender or you're a door guy? Door guy, bar back. Okay. Yes, sir. And how long have you lived in Austin? About five months now. Where'd you live before that? Michigan. Michigan. Yes, sir. Wow, the rare Michigan Flores, huh? Yeah. There's a few Mexicans out there. What were you doing for work in Michigan? I was a welder. Why aren't you welding here? That's a good paying trade. I have about four years experience and everyone out here has got like 20. So it's super competitive out here so I have a hard time. Interesting. Unlike comedy, right? I get it. Let's go somewhere a little easier.

50:38Wow. Finny, is it true about the crack and the heroin? Yes, that's all true. Let's talk about that. Tell us about your history with crack and heroin. So I'm half white, half Mexican, and my white side is like Michigan white trash pretty much. So yeah, my mom was addicted to heroin. And yeah, I mean, I ended up, I tried it one time with my older sister, and then after that. How old were you when you tried it? I was 17. You were 17 years old, and did you inject heroin or smoke it? injected it. So 17 years old, you had never done it before. Had your sister been doing it? Yeah, but she was actually on the run from a halfway house.

51:19So she had been given like some pill or something to where she couldn't take opiates. So she was shooting up crack. So that's why the day before, I ended up shooting crack. She was injecting crack? She was injecting it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You like melted down with vinegar, I guess. Wow.

51:34Brian Redban:I guess. He's like, wow. Wolfgang, fuck over here. She's fucking teaching us how to cook crack. Wow. So she, like, helped you do it and showed you how to do heroin? I actually had to kind of coax her into it because, I mean, listen, I was young, and at the time I was like, I'll try anything at least one time. You know, I want to experience the world, I guess. This is good for the world to hear what goes on to Michigan 17-year-olds, everybody. This is the dragon that they're chasing. so tell us about the first time the heroin hit those veins of yours and uh so i like i said i already shot something the day before and she told me that the first time you shoot something you would puke so i guess i kind of got that out of the way and uh yeah i was just sitting on the hotel bed and it uh it hit me like a brick wall and i just remember watching the simpsons and trying to laugh and it's it was like a zombie laugh like and uh then i just passed out and i I woke up wanting to do more heroin immediately.

52:38And so you started looking for heroin. Yeah. So part of that story is since we were on the motel, my sister's boyfriend was also there who was pimping her out. And that night that I shot the heroin, we were going to get cigarettes from the gas station and we jaywalked. And they're all on the run for felonies. I'm just on the run for like a weed misdemeanor in Michigan. and we're in Ohio at the time. Everybody has warrants. Yeah, everybody has warrants. All three of you have warrants. It was us three and... And you're jaywalking. And we're jaywalking, yes. To get cigarettes. Yes, sir. This is like a tourist ad for the state of Michigan.

53:16This is incredible. This was actually in Maumee, Ohio. Oh, well, don't talk about my mom like that, first of all. Maumee, Ohio. I've never even heard of that. Top left corner? Yeah, yeah. So I'm from Adrian, which is like, it's 40 minutes from Toledo, so I'm like on the border. So if we want to do anything, we go to either Maumee or Toledo area. Wow. Oh, my God. Which is shoe crack. You got busted jaywalking, I'm guessing, is where the story is going? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And then, so the cop obviously.

53:48Brian Redban:Notorious jaywalker, constant jaywalker. D Madness is back, everybody. This motherfucker. Crosswalks do not matter to him. All right. Very famous jaywalker. Okay. So obviously, since he has felonies in his name, he immediately just got booked. And I'm a minor at the time. So they're like, okay, well, we need to take you to a guardian. And I had no choice but to go back to the motel where my sister and her boyfriend's friend was. And luckily - It's a boyfriend's friend now all of a sudden. Keep going. Yeah, yeah, there was four of us. Okay. And then it could have been fucking her. I don't know.

54:29Everybody was fucking her.

54:33Did she marry a scientist right after this? Keep going, keep going We went back to the motel And then the cop just kind of let me go in there And then he went away He didn't notice that you were on heroin at all? I wasn't on heroin yet This was like right before This was that night And then I ended up doing his heroin But I couldn't do like what he would normally do I guess That's what she was telling me because I would overdose. So I only did a little bit and then skipped forward, woke up wanting to do more and turns out that the boyfriend's friend stole all the heroin and that just left me and my sister in the motel.

55:12And then we were kind of fucked after that. Best Thanksgiving ever, right? Sounds like you were fucked before that too. It also sounds like every time you did heroin, you would just fall asleep and then wake up craving it. No real enjoyment whatsoever. Often when I asked people what it was like after they did heroin. They're like, oh my God, I felt like a billion dollars. It's a feeling unexplainable. You're like, I went to sleep and woke up. Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I would say it is probably like the best drug I've ever done. I mean, the feeling of it was like... Did you feel like you were 5 '9"?

55:51Vinny, what's the coolest thing you've ever done in your life other than heroin? The coolest thing I've ever done in my life Any big accomplishments? You ever saved somebody's life or fucking do anything amazing? Win an award, perhaps? Nothing crazy like that. I used to play in bands, so that was some of the coolest stuff in my dreams. What did you do in a band? I played guitar and bass. Okay, don't worry. I'm not asking you to play. Yeah, okay. Thank God. Thank God. Vinny, what ended up happening to your heroin-using crack-injecting sister? What's her OnlyFans? um she's uh she's doing good supposedly right now i mean she's a little iffy she ended up marrying like some 50 year old and they had a wedding in mommy and uh she was barefoot for that wedding and yeah so now she's just chilling i guess just smoking weed that's what she says i mean i don't know they might be doing correct did you go to the wedding yeah yeah i went to the wedding was he barefoot too no why was she barefoot it's white trash i mean she literally forgot her shoes at the motel that they were staying at.

57:00Like, it's pretty bad. Michigan's gross.

57:04Brian Redban:We have to start deporting half Mexicans, too. That's what this means to me. I don't know if you guys are with me on this, but I think I'm going to call my friends in the administration and say... I support it. If they're illegal, I support it, 100%. I support it? Okay. Vinny. All right, buddy. Well, you know, Here's a little joke book for you. You can't mix it with vinegar, melt it down, and then smoke it, but you can write some jokes. All right, thank you. There he goes, Vinny Flores, everybody. Keep writing. Keep trying, Vinny. I have to tell people that so they don't fucking relapse on heroin and shit on their way out.

57:44Brian Redban:They're like, okay, you told me to do it again. Like, keep signing up. Keep signing up, Vinny. Keep writing and signing up, Vinny. Don't give up tonight, Vinny. I'll see him fucking slouched over in the alley tomorrow Okay This is a moment that a lot of people have been waiting for Ladies and gentlemen The man I'm about to bring to the stage This is only his second appearance ever on the show Ever He's not a golden ticket winner He's not a regular But the man went so insanely out of control viral his last time on the show that I absolutely had to bring him back. A disruptor of the force of natural moving comedy.

58:37Brian Redban:Some people are saying the next big thing. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long-awaited return of Timmy No Breaks.

59:00Who's ready for the best fucking minute of their lives?

59:14What do you do for a living? You're a student? Not what I'm looking for. What do you do for a living? Oh, fucking mother... What do you do for a living? And you, what do you do for a living? Time check? All right, come on, guys, let's go. What do you do for a living? Fuck you, come on. And you, what do you do for a living? I'm just trying to find a natural way into this fucking sushi chef joke.

1:00:01Does anybody work at an airport sushi restaurant? I mean...

1:00:09I relinquish my time.

1:00:12Brian Redban:Wow. The hardest I've laughed all night, the long-awaited return of the force of 6th Street. Timmy, no brakes. All gas, no brakes. This guy left a dinosaur paw print sized footprint on the show the last time he was on. Hard in the paint. Some people said, the next big thing. Famously handed off his joke book to the man in the front row, whoever it was, and tonight threw his sunglasses at a person in the front row. It's becoming... Give him back.

1:00:55Timmy, motherfucking no breaks, has arrived back to the Kill Tony universe. Timmy, how we doing? We're good. I'm a little disappointed, to be honest. I told you I wanted Dan Cook.

1:01:10No offense. I mean, you know, but fucking... You wanted him on the panel next time you were on? Is that what you said? Yeah, I hit you up with some request. I said a bucket of MHLs. I said Dan Cook, and, you know, none of them are here, so I don't know what the fucking... I tried my best to get them. Wasn't easy. We have to settle for Chris O 'Connor and Ryan O 'Neal tonight. You're Ryan O 'Neal? Yeah. This is for you. You just got served, bitch.

1:01:45Got your ass. Open it up. Yeah, why don't you show everybody what that is, bitch? Why don't you show everybody what that... That's a picture of my niece's volleyball team. Unrush this man!

1:02:05Wow! All gas, no brakes, indeed. The people's champ of Kill Tony... The people's going to take a win, bitch. That's right. The people's golden ticket winner. I'm gonna pretend like you didn't call me a bitch right there Because I like it. We're gonna keep it that way. No disrespect. I respect what you're doing. I love you Tom Thank you Timmy. I love you, too. So tell us what does Timmy no breaks do when he's not on stage? Yeah, I mean, uh, well, I recently got in some trouble. I Went to play laser tag and brought a real gun. That was not good

1:02:45Can I just say something? Guys, when I hit a punch, give me some fucking trumpet. I mean, what's going on? Not yet. When I hit it.

1:03:01My God. So, Timmy, there's so many questions I didn't get to ask you last time you were on. Like, what's, what, I can't even imagine. What a confident. A human like you, what is your love life like, Timmy No Breaks? I mean, I gotta say, it's definitely changed. I've had a bunch of bitches slide into my DMs. I had Hilary Duff slide into my DMs. Yeah, more like Hilary Muff. That bitch has a vagina. Yeah.

1:03:40Fucking Mr. Clean, clean out your fucking ears. God damn. I'm sorry, Tone, I'm sorry. Doing my best, fucking, you know. Wow. So Hilary Duff slid into your DMs. Was this after the Kill Tony appearance? Yeah, it was after, it was after. You've really blown up from it. Tell us what life is like since that one appearance. You might be the most talked about human ever after only one appearance in the show's history. Twelve and a half years of the show. And you might be, in 60 seconds in one interview, the most famous character ever. Yes, it's been great, you know. I got to do David Lucas' fishing podcast, so I made it.

1:04:32By the way, where the fuck was the trumpet there, guys? Come on.

1:04:39I think he deserves something a little more... That's like a negative horn you're giving. It should be like a ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba-ba or something like that, right? Tone, no. Give me a D. You give him a D. Give him a D. What's a D? I don't... Yeah! Okay. I see it now. I like it. That was a D. That was a D. They nailed that one that time. That was a thing. They really did. Wow. So, Timmy, no breaks. Where are you originally from? So, I'm from Jersey. You already asked me that, but that's okay, Tone. Tone, it's okay. For some of the new people here. Oh, yeah, you probably saw my Kill Tony show. This is going to be repeating it, but, yeah, I'm from Jersey.

1:05:22What the fuck else is new? And is there anything that you miss about New Jersey? You know, I miss the mornings.

1:05:30Brian Redban:spotlight spotlight for timmy no breaks no doubt about it whatever timmy wants every member of the kill tony crew should know whatever timmy asks or timmy gets from this point forward there's a thumbs up from the great yoni timmy go ahead what do you miss about jersey yeah uh i miss the mornings you know walking out fucking walking up to bitches saying hey bitch Shh.

1:06:00This won't talk about. This won't talk about. Yeah, that's what I miss most, you know? We're good on the spotlight, thank you. We're good. We got out of that. Wow. That's my story. I'm sticking to it, Tone. I don't want to keep you up here all night. You know, I don't want to be a bother to you. You let me know when you want to go. You're the first person ever that I'm giving full creative control over here. Yeah, I'm good. Okay, hold on.

1:06:32Brian Redban:You're good now? You want to go or you're good to stay? Fuck, Tony, it's your show. I mean, I don't... No, no, no. I'm literally, again, I've never told the crew you get whatever you want. I've never given creative control to anybody. All right, Timmy, let's do this. Here's something I really want to know. And I don't know if I asked you this last time, but if I did, I'd like to apologize in advance. Tony, it's okay. Thank you. What how do you make money to me no breaks yeah yeah it's me that right tone um you know I used to sell weed before that I was selling coke now I'm just coasting on comedy tone okay hold the horns on that one hold the horns yeah wasn't a punchline that's for real I'm doing big shows bigger you know I'm doing H-E-B I think Timmy no breaks is doing H-E-B let me let me the grocery store or the arena?

1:07:26Brian Redban:Tony, you watch your fucking mouth. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Timmy. Sometimes I fall back on my habits here. It's okay, Tony. I am known for making fun of people on the stage sometimes. I mean, no disrespect, Timmy. No disrespect. Let me say this. I think you have what it takes. I do? I do. I do. I want you to open for me at Lucky Duck Open Mic. Lucky Duck Open Mic. One of the best venues in Austin, Texas. no ceiling no audience and no breaks yeah

1:08:02Timmy what can I say that I haven't said a thousand times about the New York Yankees I mean you are just an absolute fucking empire of your own a one man empire can I ask you where do you get a jacket like that glad you asked Tom Um, so my dad would take me in the spotlight.

1:08:32John Dees, let's go. So my father, he would take me to the circus all the time. They would shove these midgets down in this fucking cannon. One time they aimed it at a wall, shot this midget right into the wall. Bang! The midget slid down. Some guy put a fucking leather jacket over this midget. I left, and I got this at goodwill.

1:09:03Brian Redban:Wow. Yeah, bitch! Wow. Timmy, I feel like if we keep you up here any longer, I'm going to have to give you a percentage of the royalties of this episode. and I cannot begin to do that. So, I mean, I'm gonna, unless there's anything else you'd like to say or do, I'm going to give you, or we can talk about anything you'd like. If you'd like to ask me a question or anything, we can do anything you want. Yeah.

1:09:36Take your entire life, Tome. What's the most interesting thing about you? Go. Go, Tome, your entire life. Let's go.

1:09:54Well, I mean, you know, it's a tough question. No, I mean, I guess the most interesting thing about me is probably that I... It's not easy, is it, bitch?

1:10:15JJ!

1:10:18Brian Redban:Timmy no breaks, let it be known that at this moment I am without a doubt registering you as officially without it even though you don't want it and you don't need it you are the newest official golden ticket winner of Kill Tony. You can come back anytime you want.

1:10:45Brian Redban:The Tour de Force. The Sultan of 6th Street. Yeah, thanks, Willy Wonka. Absolutely. I am excited to be opening for you at the Lucky Duck Open Mic. I will see you there next, and we'll talk about the future. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for the great Timmy No Breaks, everybody. Wow. Thank you. Unbelievable. holy shit one of those moments you'll never forget wow alright a bucket pull has to follow that not easy ladies and gentlemen not easy the chatter in the room for those of you watching the show is unbelievable men are proposing to their girlfriends this guy's going to do some type of drug right now in the bathroom there's a lot going on here the place is in absolute chaos.

1:11:44Brian Redban:And it's time for another bucket pool. Make some noise for Isabella Corrozza.

1:11:54Hell yeah. My therapist introduced me to EFT tapping. Whenever you get nervous, you take deep breaths and tap on your face. She was like, think of it as like a massage for your inner child. I don't think my inner child needs any more massages.

1:12:12I started going to therapy because I would get really bad anxiety in social situations and become a huge bitch to whoever I was with. And my boyfriends would just be like, oh, it's because you're Italian. And then I went to therapy and she was like, you have autism. And I was like, I'm Italian. She was like, you're retarded. During the pandemic, I worked as a cam girl. I didn't do anything. I just took my vibrator and did stand-up comedy with it. The men were like, shut up and pee. Sorry. Fuck.

1:12:57Is that 60 seconds? It was like six minutes. That was. Yeah, you got it right when you said it. That was it. Isabella Carruzza, ladies and gentlemen. Isabella. Hi, Isabella. Hi. You've been on this show before, but it's been a while, right? Yeah, a few years. Okay, how long have you been on stand-up? Five years. Five years. All of it here in Austin. Yeah, mainly. Love it. What do you do for work? I'm unemployed. Unemployed. Yeah. How do you survive? I'm a stripper. Okay. Where are you a stripper at? I don't want to say, because last time men came in and asked me to fart on them, which is a real thing.

1:13:38Brian Redban:Red band.

1:13:43Brian Redban:You naughty, naughty boy, Red Band. Okay. Wouldn't that make you money? It did, but it was just, it was a lot. It was overwhelming. You ran out of gas. Yeah. All gas, no brakes. Wow. Did you fart on the guy? I tried. He got, we went into the back for like an hour, and I made like$2 ,000, and I was like, I'm trying. Because during the interview, I said if men get too handsy, I fart on them. I was like, ha ha. But he took it serious. And he went to the Red Rose and was like. Wow. Yeah. I just said work. You fucked it. Went to the Red Rose. Bet it didn't smell like roses when you were done with them, huh?

1:14:26Isabella, how long have you been stripping for? On and off, like six years. Okay. What are some other than the fart thing? What's some of the craziest stuff that you've seen? I imagine it's a lot. At a strip club. what is crazy stuff i mean sometimes like girls fight but i feel like nothing really crazy i've seen like you know men will whip out their dicks and that's terrifying oh that's crazy yeah but like it's kind of like i just kind of show up and take money and leave it's kind of Cool. Cool. It's an easy job, I guess. Uh-huh. All right. Guys, have a great... What's the on and off? What brings you back into the game?

1:15:13I was like... I don't know. I always kind of did it on the side of what I do. So I was like an ophthalmologist technician.

1:15:20Brian Redban:What the fuck, Redman? Was that you? Part-time ophthalmologist. Can I take a seat? Redman's just accidentally hitting buttons over here. What's going on now? Wait, what just happened? Can I take a seat? Did you just fart? No! What just happened? I'm going to put my balls under there. I just like sitting when I'm on stage. Is that fine? No. You do this every year on video. Oh, sorry. You've got to stay in the frame. Okay, there you go. Wow, the world's laziest stripper, everybody. Who wants a fucking floor dance? Can I have a floor dance from Isabella? I am like the DMV worker of strippers. What does that mean?

1:15:59I just like, I'm very cranky. I'm 29 now, so like, I'm kind of over it. Who said that? Who did? Who made that noise? 29's kind of old for a stripper, right? It is. Stripper's age and dog years. Yeah, I'm 29. Okay. Have you ever done a full nude strip club before? In LA, I did, yeah.

1:16:22Brian Redban:Cooter balls? Do you ever do cooter balls? No. What's cooter balls? Explain to these people what cooter balls are. Our senior strip club correspondent, Brian Redman, is here, ladies and gentlemen. Where they sit there with their legs open. You try to, you know, crumble a ball and, like, make a basket inside their vagina. I would fucking... Fucking disgusting, Redman. Fucking gross. I can't believe you would ask that. Have you ever done cooter balls before? No. No, I would climb to the top of the pole, let go. I would not do that. Okay. All right. Chris O 'Connor. How'd you become an ophthalmologist?

1:16:56No, I'm not an ophthalmologist. Yeah, I just, actually, I met the doctor at the strip club, and he was like, do you want a job?

1:17:04Brian Redban:Yeah. Nothing crazy happens at the strip club? That's what you said before. That's insane. An ophthalmologist hired you? Yeah. Yeah, I feel like I've gotten a lot of random jobs and stuff like that from dancing. What do you do at the office? Well, I don't work there anymore, but I would just, like, assist him. After she was Dee Madness' ophthalmologist, she lost her job. So he used to have 20-20 vision. No, just assist him in, like, surgery. She farted into his eye sockets, and the rest is history. Have you ever been a nanny before? A nanny? No. I think I could be good with kids. Okay. Are you about to hire her to, like, cat sit for you or something?

1:17:52Yeah. Okay. Isabella, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or stripping? sitting on the floor this weekend i went to venice beach and i did like eight grams of mushrooms wow so much fun okay yeah so like what what happens when you're on mushrooms like that well i was what do you do in venice beach it's fun i once did eight grams of mushrooms and went to the strip club and that was crazy that it was i made a lot of money did you notice were you on the beach obviously when you did it or in a place i was on the beach did you notice that when the waves were coming in that the waves kept going through the sand no i was once on mushrooms at a beach and i saw this shit and they just keep going and you realize that it's all just one fucking thing anyway i had a quick question a mexican guy on the beach too sometimes eight grams you're not i feel like you're not even seeing the beach yeah dude you're in fucking space yeah this guy gave me like a drink so i like chugged it and what you should do yeah it was a lot of fun you know how everybody rollerblades on Venice Beach there was like this Mexican guy plummeting towards me it was just the best time by yourself?

1:19:07yeah I do that a lot but now I feel like I hate saying that on Kill Tony because your fans are crazy and I'm going to go missing you sound like one of the fans wow I'm anxious Where are you guys from?

1:19:26Brian Redban:Okay. It's the stripper in you.

1:19:37Fun times, Isabella. This is a medium-sized joke book right here. It's a good one.

1:19:43Brian Redban:Isabella Carruzza, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. Yeah. Man. Good old. Ooh, there's been a lot of talk of birds on this episode. Look at the lovely Heidi, everyone. I mean, unbelievable. And this man's last name is Bird. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for bucket pool number seven. Mason Bird, everybody. Mason Bird.

1:20:17A teenager told me I look like a school shooter the other day that shoots insulin instead of bullets. He was like, your least favorite part of a school shooting would be missing lunch. It better not be pizza day, dude. That's what I got.

1:20:41I feel like the only way I can personally relate to Rosa Parks is when I'm walking through the center of an airplane and everyone's staring at me like, that motherfucker better not sit next to me, dude.

1:21:05He better be taking his ass to the front of the plane where the big fellas belong. No, I get it, though. Like, I saw a dude fatter than me walking through the airport, and I was like, that motherfucker better not get on my plane, dude. It was the mirror.

1:21:25Brian Redban:Mason Bird, everybody. The best set from a bucket pole of the night has finally happened here. More than halfway through the episode. Mason, a fantastic set. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? About three years, sir. Three years. Where at? Mostly Detroit. I moved here a couple months ago. Very nice. So you live here in Austin, Texas now. Yes, sir. Amazing. What do you do for work? I work at Jersey Mike's. Hell yeah. Make it Mike's way. Jersey Mike's official sponsor of Timmy No Breaks.

1:22:03How long have you worked at Jersey Mike's? About three months. Three months. What did you do in Detroit when you left? I was a sous chef at a bar. Oh, okay. All right. A sous chef at a bar. What exactly? I just did a lot of the prep, hiring, did mostly cooking on the line as well. I was everywhere. Do you think that it's good for a guy like you to constantly be working around food? Believe it or not, I actually, since I was working in the food, I lost like 150 pounds. I used to be 500 pounds. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Incredible. what did you do to lose the weight tell Red Band how you lost the weight it's just so I'd eat one meal a day that way I could get because I like to eat like 4 ,000 calorie meals and I would just limit it to once so when you say 4 ,000 calorie meals give this audience an example of like what's the most piggish you've ever been oh alright I get so I like to get like three chicken quesadillas is from Taco Bell.

1:23:09Two Cheesy Gordita Crunches. And I get two drinks. That way they think the food's for two people.

1:23:18What drinks do you get? You gotta mix it up. I like the Baja Blast and Cherry Pepsi. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. So you still eat the same type of stuff but just once a day now? Yeah, I just get it all in at once. I love it, man. Goddamn. You are a funny guy. You have great jokes, great delivery. Everything's right on schedule. How long ago were you that fat? Two years ago. Wow. So it's all just happening fast. Yeah. Funnier and lighter at the same time, constantly. We're trying. Hell yeah. Amazing. Amazing. You guys have anything? Oh, I just want to know what time do you have to go Bigfoot hunting tonight?

1:24:04He likes to come out around 2.30. Your glasses, can you see out of those? They're very smeared. Yeah, I touched my face. Is that the quesadilla? It was from the snack wrap earlier. I'm not going to lie. Wow. Timmy, no cakes over here. Timmy, all cakes. I love it. I love it. And you're also a ginger. You have that going for you. Yeah. Hell yeah. Represent. Mason, what else? What do you do for fun? Tell us more about your life. What's interesting about you? I like to look at maps. Like, I know all the state capitals. I'm very proud of that. Yeah, I'm really into, like, maps and geography and topography and all that kind of stuff.

1:24:49Is that because you're shaped like a globe? Yes, yes. Perfect. What got you into maps? I've just always been super... Like, there was a Nat Geo thing when you were a kid, and I was super into that, like, answering history questions and maps and stuff like that. Okay. Other than maps, what else are you into? That's fair.

1:25:20Um, I really like eating once a day a lot. So you look forward to these meals? Oh, it's all I look forward to. What time of the day do you usually execute the meal at? Anywhere from 11.30 to 12.30 at night. So you wait all day?

1:25:36Brian Redban:and you go for it at night. Okay. Just unravels a big map and just eats at all. Well, well, well. Aw, let's see here. Is there anyone who knows all the state capitals has a lot of placemats in their lives? So let's just go for last night, for example. Do you remember your order last night, what you ate last night? Yes, I know exactly what I ate last night. What was it last night? How many people want to hear what Mason Bird ate last night? let's go single spotlight on mason bird it was two snack wraps with ranch two snack wraps spicy you get two mcdoubles uh large coke and a large spray okay i've done that before yeah i've done that before yeah this guy's like the rain man of meals I think you could give him any date and he could tell you what he ate and what state he was looking at on the map Florida have you ever thought about when you're sacrificing all day and you're hungry and it's the last meal of the night or I mean the first meal of the day at night have you ever thought about replacing the most disgusting heavy caloric meals humanly possible with something healthy and losing like a few pounds in a day Yeah, but the thing is, like, if I do that for two weeks, I explode and spend, like,$70 at Taco Bell.

1:27:06Oh, so you'll just go out of control. Yeah, it's like I have to, like, I'm going to be out of control. We just have to learn how to dance with it. Yes, sir. How to dance with it. Tony, that's map money. You know that? That's wild, man. When you get done with the meal, are you full? No. Or are you like, all right. I'm more just like sad and I'm like man I should have got another burger dude and then what do you do you just kind of go to sleep smoke weed go to sleep sometimes I'll look at old like Facebook photos of me when I was really fat and I'm like I'm doing good man

1:27:46Brian Redban:yeah yeah you are buddy yes you are red band I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday Mason Bird and you have a big joke book Mason Bird has arrived to the Kill Tony universe ladies and gentlemen how exciting is that thank you one more time for Mason everyone alright bucket pool number 8 right down the barrel make some noise for Max Sadawi everyone Max Sadawi

1:28:28Thank you. As you heard, my name is Max. It's not short for anything. I think my parents knew I was going to be stupid. They took one look at me. They said, three letters. It's enough. I got an older brother. His name's Nathaniel. Yeah, I Googled his name because I'm petty like that. found out nathaniel translates to gift from god beautiful no fuck him because then i checked my name my name is the number one name in the world for dogs you know how many times i meet a girl introduce myself just for her to say oh my god that's my dog's name it's not a good thing she's not like oh my god that's my dog's name let's go back to my place we'll do a doggy Maybe in my imagination she'd be doing that.

1:29:21She'd be like, who's a good boy? I'd be like, what else about me? I'm Jewish. Yeah, none of you look surprised. I get it. Nobody was falling out of their chair right now. No one was like, whoa, this guy's Jewish? Thought he was Swedish. Maybe Irish. Maybe Andrew Tate. I'm aware I have a mirror. All right, that's my time. Thank you so much.

1:29:49Brian Redban:Max Sadawi, everybody. Am I saying that right, Sadawi? You're honestly probably the first person to ever get my last name right. Thank you so much. Thank you. I get to open for Timmy No Breaks last week, so I'm very excited about it. I have a new era of confidence around me. Max, welcome. Stand-up's a newer thing for you. How long have you been doing it? I'd like to say I just moved to Austin, so recently two months. but I was doing it abroad for a while. Okay. But not like consistent like I'm doing it now. Okay. All right. And when you say abroad,

1:30:29where were you doing it? I was living in Thailand for a bit. Oh, boy. Oh, all right. Wow. Yeah. Okay. What made you want to hang out in Thailand for a while? What could possibly be there? You were Max's. Fewer maxes.

1:30:51Wasn't the plan. It just kind of happened during COVID. You went during COVID. Right before, actually. I was traveling Southeast Asia. And then global pandemic hit. And you just stayed in? Wow. So tell us about that. Tell us about your adventures. Okay. So January 8th, 2020, I landed in Southeast Asia. I remember the date. Wow. And I was in... I can't think of like a war... That's about the worst time to land in Southeast Asia. Oh, Tony, it was amazing. Oh, you liked it? It was great. Okay. Yeah, I was... So how soon until you started fucking little boys? Little boys, lady boys, whatever. Oh, no.

1:31:37Something went down there. Let's talk about it, Max. It's okay. Your parents are watching. Never fucked a lady boy, Tony. I know. How long were you in Thailand for? five years okay i'm gonna ask you one more fucking

1:31:53what's your lady boy body count no one ever believes me i get it no one did you think about it you thought about it oh you think about it some of them are gorgeous but that's but that's a tell i know i know i know it's a lady boy because gorgeous women don't come up to me like that

1:32:12Brian Redban:John Dees has a question. John, would you like to ask it in the microphone? I like the way you ask it. Say it the way you just said it. Are you gay, dog? Perfect. Nailed it. I get called gay a lot in Austin. Me too, buddy. But are you? Are you gay? I'm not gay, no. You're not gay. Okay, what's the gayest thing you've ever done? Other than sound like that. and fuck ladyboys in Thailand and then lie about it for the rest of your life. Oh, shit. The gayest thing I've ever done. I was a finger up the butt, count as gay. Your own or your dad's? Jesus. Dad's red man. Red man. Okay. Max, what do you do for work?

1:33:01So I was working as a scuba diving instructor. That's what I was doing over there. Super gay. Super guy.

1:33:09Brian Redban:Under the sea. Under the sea. Fuck all the dicks. Under the sea. Okay, what made you stop being a scuba diving instructor? Uh, man, trying to take comedy more serious, so I came down here. This is where all the hype is at. So you stopped being a scuba diving instructor to come do comedy in Austin, Texas? Yes. Is that what you were doing in Thailand? Being a scuba diving instructor? Yeah, when you weren't inside of... Yeah, that's what I was doing in Thailand. Okay. Pulled that respirator right out of his mouth when he got into comedy. Okay, Max, craziest thing that ever happened to you while scuba diving?

1:33:53Or instructing scuba diving? I fucked this lady boy.

1:33:59Brian Redban:It's not gay if it's underwater. Come here, you little mermaid. Is that where you got finger in your ass? If you want to, if we were getting honest, I did fuck underwater, actually. That is something I did. Yeah, it's called a 10-meter club. Wow. Tell us about that. How does that go down exactly? Yeah, so you got to find somewhere where it's, like, sandy, so there's no, like, corals or anything. Sure. Yeah, right? Yeah. And basically, you just put some extra weight than you normally would to get down there. and make sure you're not wearing a wetsuit. Wow. And once you get down there, you're basically doing a doggy.

1:34:40You're doing it with the respirator on and everything. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is like when Red Band fucks with his sleep apnea mask on.

1:34:56Brian Redban:Very rarely do I make myself laugh quite as hard as I just did, but I pictured it, buddy. I pictured it, my old pal. All right. So how long did this sex underwater last? Just at a ballpark. Oh, fair. By ballpark, I mean the fact that you both had balls. The person you were talking. It wasn't long. It would probably be like, maybe like five minutes. Okay. And you came. Yeah, honestly, when I came, it was funny because we were both, it's called neutrally buoyant, so you're not on the bottom, you're not on the top. No, you prefer bottom. Well, right before I came, I basically just, like, pushed her off, and she'd just see her go, like...

1:35:41I never got to do that in my life. That was hilarious.

1:35:43Brian Redban:That is pretty cool. That is cool. Was there, like, a chum trail? Like, when you see... The fish came. Oh, yeah. I bet they did. Not in that way. They're like, this cum tastes like shit. my family's gonna be watching this of course it's amazing that's why you won't admit that you're gay I know that's who we know Max amazing what's it like being Jewish nowadays

1:36:13how do you feel about everything there's a lot going on how do you feel about it we're doing this you go right ahead I'm gonna let you take control

1:36:20Brian Redban:because that's what you people want

1:36:25Brian Redban:Oh, my favorite Jew Yoni's not laughing. I might be crossing a line right now. Oh, man. Yeah, it's a delicate line to be crossing right now. Well, we know you guys have your lines and your borders. I know those lines are always moving in your favor. How do you feel being a Jew nowadays? Pretty simple question. You can answer it any way you want. I like being Jewish. Perfect answer. I'm proud of being Jewish. I like being one of the most watched shows in entertainment, so that's all I'm going to ask. There we go. Fantastic, Max Sadawi. Here, my friend, is a big joke book. Oh, thank you. All the people running show business to see that the Jew is getting a big joke book.

1:37:09Brian Redban:There he goes, Max Sadawi, everybody. We're having fun here tonight. All right. bucket pool number nine make some noise you guys having fun out there still make some noise for Micah Brown everybody Micah Brown

1:37:34light bulbs are gay cause they busted my ass am I right

1:37:48anal is a lot like surgery have you guys noticed this anal is a lot like surgery you got to wash your hands all the way down to your elbows you got a prep you can't eat the day before my surgeon hates it when I eat before we do anal dude fucking hates

1:38:13the drugs help have you guys noticed this surgery used to be really bad before the drugs hey man here's a shot of whiskey and bite down on this you know i'm saying it helps with the anal too okay the drugs the thing that ties them all together though like anal and surgery is that the only thing worse is anal surgery. Stay away from those light bulbs, dude.

1:38:44Boo! Okay, Micah Brown. There he is, Micah Brown. Okay, Micah. Welcome, welcome. Wow, no one's even clapping for you. A whole set about anal and somehow it was the shittiest set of the night at the same time. What are the odds? Welcome, Micah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Not long enough. Okay. How long is that? Five years. Oh, not long enough. Oh, my God. There's Red Band's one fart noise of the episode. Okay. Five years. Ryan O 'Neal. I was just saying, this guy looks like a fentanyl Tom Cruise. Hell, yeah. You really do. Thank you. You do look like that. Every mission is impossible to you.

1:39:31Amazing. What do you do for work? I don't. I quit. You quit. You quit. I'm blockbuster 14 years ago. You just haven't done anything since. I'm sponsored now. What did you quit? I was serving at Fressa's. Oh. Wait, Fressa's is a place with the quesadillas? Like a chicken bowl? Yeah. I love that fucking place. Beans and rice all day. It's a perfect fucking meal. One of my favorite meals. You were a server there? What went wrong? Why'd you quit? Great place. It was a great place. It's not a great place? No, it's great. Yeah, so why'd you quit? Well, things started going really good for me. I got my foot fucked.

1:40:15You got your what? I got my foot fucked. Your what? I was hanging out. Hold on, wait. Let's go back. Before work.

1:40:22Brian Redban:Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Micah, you got your what? Foot fucked? There was a woman's vagina on my foot. Whoa. And I couldn't go back to work after that. It was like... This is a true story, man. They serve chicken at Fresas. That's why Red Band's making a chicken noise, for those of you wondering what a chicken has to do with getting your foot fucked. So let's slow it down. Yeah, let's slow it down. So what exactly happened here? How does a woman's vagina end up on your foot while you're serving tables at Fresas? Supposed to go to work, hanging out with a friend, Why would you hang out with a friend at work?

1:41:02Oh, you hang out with a friend instead of work? Before work. Got it. Things were going good. Look at me. Stop looking down. Okay. Go ahead. Oh, man. It was really fun. It was really awesome. So a girl. Yeah. Chris O 'Connor. She was a day. She was a day. It's Austin. I was trying to figure it out. She's got a girlfriend. who's dating a boy, and she's getting anxious. There's no way the story's this complicated. Dude, it ended up with cocaine and my foot getting fucked. I don't know how to skip to that part. You did the fucking with your foot, right? Yeah, she told me to put my foot on the couch, and she got on the couch.

1:41:49Did you wear a sock? No. It was full after the shower. You don't wear protection during foot fucking? No, man. Okay, so let me ask you this. Was it toes or the whole foot? Well, I had three fingers in before. So it was the whole foot. I only have a nine and a half. It's not that big. You got the heel in?

1:42:15And then what, work found out about it? No, it's like, things are going good, man. I don't need to go back to Fresas and deal chicken. No, you do. Yeah. No, yeah, you do. No one's paying you to put your foot up there. You guys don't get it. Okay. Help us to understand. This is the interview portion of the show. Okay. Yes. Here we go. Foot got fucked. Got to be in a metal music video. All in the same day? Same week. Okay. Then my buddy calls me. I get to go on a canoe trip in Maine. Wow. I could not go. The chicken thing was not going well. This is better than the chicken thing. How do you make money now?

1:42:59I don't think you understand, man.

1:43:03Brian Redban:We found your catchphrase, that's for sure. I'm getting my foot fucked. I'm getting flown out to Maine. And you want me to sell chicken? How do you make money now? I'm open to suggestions. It hasn't come up yet. It hasn't come up yet. So you thought you were on a hot streak. And you were just like... I can get another serving job. They'll give them to you. All you guys can work at Fres' is I guarantee it. They told me they would hire me back. So you're like on a sabbatical. Right. They're definitely not hiring you back. Oh. They love me. I would bet you have a 0 % chance. How much? I mean, I know for a fact they're not going to hire me.

1:43:52You just called them out by name. You don't think they'll hire me? They're not going to hire you back. No. You look a little scared now. You're like... No, no, no. It's like you were really gambling. I don't need the job, so I just want to know... How much money do you have? I'm negative$24. Okay. So where do you sleep at night? $50? Where do you sleep at night? I get hired back. Where do you sleep at night? Tonight? Uh-huh. I've got a friend named Brendan Mahaney. He's the best. We call him Sarge, and he takes care of all of us. Wow. Incredible. So that's where you slept? Tonight. Is that where you slept last night?

1:44:32Unless the foot girl hits me back. Maybe I'll go there. Okay, here's a little joke book. There you go, buddy. All right. Yep, hard to catch when you are blitzed out of your mind on hard, hard drugs, everybody. There goes Micah Brown. Very interesting bucket pools tonight. Very interesting.

1:44:52Brian Redban:We should have, like, an actual psychiatrist backstage to connect with these people. right after their sets. By the way, Fressis is really good. Don't, like, pair that guy. Yeah, don't let the foot-fucking drug addict guy ruin Fressis for you. Highly recommend it. Very simple, clean meals. I'm actually surprised you eat there. I love it. They're half chicken. Man, that's fucking great. I'm saying everything that I feel. Your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. You guys ready for this? I know, I know, it's one of those nights where it's hard to be excited about the bucket, but anything can happen.

1:45:28Brian Redban:Make some noise for Bill Williams, everybody. Bill Williams.

1:45:46I like watching murder shows. You're like true crime, forensic files, stuff like that. But I noticed recently that whenever they do the reenactments, the actors are always way better looking than the real victims. Somebody's all sad, like, oh, man, I can't believe they murdered that beautiful lady. But then I see the real victim, and I'm like, man.

1:46:18It's all good.

1:46:23I'm dating and dating's hard The other day I saw this gorgeous woman sitting at a bar I walked up to her and said, you're stunning You must work out all the time She said, no, and I'm a mom I said, wow, you don't even look like you had kids She said, if I told you that this body gave birth to five children What would you say? So I said goodbye

1:46:49Thank you, I'm Bill Williams.

1:46:53Bill Williams, fantastic. I like your style. I like your delivery. I like the whole thing that you're working with here. How long have you been doing stand-up? One year. One year, wow. Yes, sir. Where at? San Antonio. San Antonio, that's where you're from? Yes, sir. Hell yeah. Amazing. Fuck yeah, Bill. You perform a lot. You do a lot of mics in San Antonio? A lot of mics. My first year, I did 305. See? I had a fucking feeling. Some people say they do this three, four, five, six, seven years, and they're doing it maybe once a week, maybe twice a week. That shit adds up fast. I could literally tell that you've been fucking actually working at it.

1:47:31Thank you. What do you do for work? Nothing. Jesus Christ. This is... That's why I had so much time to hit mics. That's why we're in a deficit right now. Not a lot of tax-paying, contributing citizens. in the country right now. How long have you been unemployed for, Bill? A year. Like, I lost my truck driving job, and I just hit it hard. How did you lose your truck driving job? They found a beer bottle in my truck. Yeah, I had a feeling. And then a week later, I got a DWI, so I couldn't drive anymore. Wow, yep, that happens. Are you a Native American? No, there is some Native American in my family, but mostly Mexican, white, Spanish, a whole bunch of mixed.

1:48:12Okay, awesome. Like Comanche? Do you know what kind of Indian? I don't know. You don't know what kind of Indian? I have no idea. You seem like I could picture you on a horse riding sideways with an arrow, but that's kind of racist to say. Not really, because you do look like that. Have you ever dressed up like a Native American for Halloween, perhaps, or something like that?

1:48:34Brian Redban:Ay-yi-yi. There he is. Where's Sarah Sloan? Is Sarah Sloan here? She's out there. Sarah Sloan? She's at Shakespeare's. Oh, okay. Well, she does a great horse impression. Oh, yeah, I've heard it. I've heard it. I've heard it. It's all good. Bill, what do you do for fun? I mean, really, this is all I do is comedy. You like to drink a lot, right? Not anymore. I had to quit because of DWI, you know? But you already lost your job. Shouldn't you just double down on that shit? Yeah, but I was on probation. They made me do a breathalyzer. Okay. Like, I had to blow into that machine. So you're not drinking anymore.

1:49:15I'm not drinking anymore. Right. Yeah. Okay. What else do you do other than comedy? What else are you into? I mean, that's it. I got a bunch of kids and a couple grandkids now. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. How many kids do you have? Five kids. Oh, I'm out of here.

1:49:32Five kids. Yes, sir. Incredible. How old are they? The youngest is 17, and then they're 18, 21, 24, 27. How old are you? 45. Wow. Look at you. You're killing it. You look better than all the 20-some-year-olds that were on this show. We had a stripper up here earlier that looked 55. Incredible. Incredible, Bill. Yes, sir. Wow. Amazing. So what's it like raising kids? Tell us. What's some crazy shit that you've been through as a father, as a Native American father? I mean, they're pretty chill. I was kind of crazy growing up, and they always said, you're going to see when you get older, but my kids are chill.

1:50:15Amazing. When you say you were crazy as a kid, what do you mean? What are some of the things you would do? When I was 16, I stole a Lexus from the Institute of Texan Cultures. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. He was going to fist bump me. All right, I'll get into it. Yeah, yeah, of course. What made you steal a Lexus? I was walking downtown San Antonio, and we were walking through the parking lot of the Institute of Texan Cultures, and there's a Lexus with the keys hanging from the trunk. And so that was it. Hell yeah. And where did you take this car? What did you do? Man, we were dumb. You know, we're 16. We drove around for three days, first of all.

1:50:52Wow. Picking up our friends, going cruising. Wow. And then we were driving around the east side of San Antonio, like, you know, thinking we're going to find a chop shop, like we even know where that's at. And we got pulled over. The cops chased us. My friend was driving at that time. He took off. Hit a tree. We all jumped out, started jumping fences. The driver got away. They caught me and the other guy. We spent two weeks in juvenile. Wow. Yeah. Good times. Amazing. How many kids did you have at that time? Zero. Okay. Are you still with the baby mama? No. Okay. How long have you been separated from her?

1:51:32Since 2013, I think. Or separated before that, but divorced 2013. 13th. How often do you get to see your kids? All the time. My two youngest boys live with me. Oh, cool. Awesome. That's amazing. So you're like a real active father while also chasing your dreams and being very funny. Thank you. How many minutes do you think you've accumulated in this year? 300 some sets under your belt? About 25 minutes. About 25 minutes. Amazing. I find you to be incredibly hilarious. Thank you, thank you.

1:52:05Brian Redban:I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Hell yeah, thank you. Where's Sarah Sloan at? Give me Sarah Sloan. Where's she at? Sarah, come out here real quick. The great Sarah Sloan, everybody. Kill Tony royalty. You know, I think as a mode of celebration is in the air for you winning a set at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, and since you are one of the funniest Native Americans that's ever been on this show, I find it fitting that Michael plays the Indian drum, and the great Sarah Sloan does her impression of a horse. Sarah, grab that mic and let it rip, huh? You can grab his. Yeah, keep doing your Indian stuff, yes.

1:52:43Brian Redban:Ladies and gentlemen, this is Sarah Sloan's horse impression.

1:52:50Brian Redban:Wow, absolutely incredible. Sarah Sloan, Bill Williams. Bill, you're leaving here with a true Native American leather joke book. Yeah. One of the greatest Native American comedians in Kill Tony history. Bill Williams, everybody. There he goes.

1:53:13Brian Redban:That guy needs to do an Indian job dance. Yes. Fucking five kids. He could make it rain. Bill Williams. And now, we've come to a part of the show. Now, I'm going to tell you right now, I'm going to be honest with you. William Montgomery is out for the night, everybody. However, just when you think there's no way to possibly put a ribbon on an episode like this, I must tell you that there is one more performer, one more regular that is going to do a brand new set for you. fresh off of sold-out theaters almost every weekend. Absolutely smashing the universe. I watched him do a long set last night on a Sunday when everybody else is off and it's nothing but up-and-comers.

1:54:04Brian Redban:This guy's here doing long sets, going over notes. He literally works more and harder than any other comedian I know because he is trying to become an American citizen. But yet still he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Matty.

1:54:43So I've been dating a bitch. See, the problem with me is I'm a jealous guy. I can't help it. I went through her, like, Instagram, and there's, like, a lot of pictures from Miami.

1:55:05But she works at Chick-fil-A, you know. I go through the pictures, no guy. You might see like a ligament, you know. You know, like a hand on a knee. You try to zoom into that hand, it's a fucking prehistoric...

1:55:28That's who's paying. and she's got this fucking friend every see every fucking girl has this has a friend some dylan you know that guy who's lingering around your girl always playing the long game you know you ask her about dylan she's like dylan you're worried about dylan i've known him for a decade i think he's gay And then you meet Dylan, you look into his eyes. He ain't gay. He's on the bench, fucker.

1:56:13You look at Dylan like, I know the game, Dylan. A wolf knows a wolf. You suck a few dicks to throw me off.

1:56:29All of a sudden eating my girl's pussy. I'm like, oh my God, isn't this crazy?

1:56:37So the only thing to do next week, I'm sucking Dylan off. Just to see if it's true. Thank you so much. Thank you.

1:56:50Brian Redban:Unbelievable. Let the record show that that is two minutes and five seconds. Once again, Ari Maddy doing double work, overperforming, absolutely hysterical. After that huge intro I gave and knowing you and everything, you would think I'd be smart enough to know that you're about to be hilarious. Meanwhile, I decided to take my first sip of this delicious whiskey coke during your calm setup, and you fucking got me. You got me real good. It blasted. I blasted air out of my nose, and it splashed up in my face and all over me and Red Band's legs. Red Band's wearing shorts, so it raw-dogged his sweet little hairy kneecap right here.

1:57:32I'm like, oh, he's on the setup. I'll be fine. She's taking a trip to Miami, and she works at Chick-fil-A, and it got me. The air came out, and the water came up, or drink came up. Amazing stuff, Ari Matty. Absolutely fucking hilarious. Oh, thanks, man. You are covering something that I think a lot of fucking people go through, and I've never really heard it talked about quite so are you a jealous guy tony uh not really i mean but i know i know exactly you look like a jealous guy i look like i look like a lot of things fuck is this sir i told you not to look at other men sir who is this dylan but i will say this is everybody i've ever hung out with every girl is like oh he's gay there's always that guy every every guy here is with a girl they know exactly who the fuck I'm talking about.

1:58:24Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's always a dude, and chicks have no idea. You know, he's nice. Fuck you. We're all trying to fuck you. Yeah, exactly. No man is trying to help you. We're all creeps. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely true. I'm always hanging out with a girl, and they're like, no, that's my gay friend. I'm like, what's his number? so Ari tell us more what's going on in life buddy you're absolutely crushing it last night you were in a theater in Jacksonville it was Saturday I was in Jacksonville, Friday, Orlando I love Florida, it's so much fucking fun people are crazy it is a fun place to visit I went out with Cam Patterson in Orlando he's from there 200 black people and me wow crazy dude Yeah, that's how it is sometimes.

1:59:18No doubt about it, Cam Patterson rolls deep. Every single one of his cousins, whether you're in Florida or Atlanta. Atlanta's another big hotspot for the Patterson family. I know them all. I know them all. They all know me. We all get along. Sometimes I do a little crip walk in the green room. Impress my black friends because I am part of the culture, believe it or not. I am blacker than I am gay. my favorite is like when we're on the group chat for the gig and then the promoter will be like any guest list yeah i'm just like woohoo plus seven dookie shoes plus 12 bing bong plus eight he's a good guy he went to prison

2:00:04Brian Redban:i met dookie shoes i actually know his cousin dookie shoes very well everybody's like fresh out of prison or about to go to prison or something like that. It's so fun. You would think that that stereotype was a little less true, but not with the Patterson clan. Yeah. It's absolutely incredible. So that's fun. Florida's fun. How about after the shows? You're a little wild boy out there in the streets. Yeah. Oh, we went to Iowa, Des Moines. Des Moines? Des Moines, yeah.

2:00:38Ever heard of it? Iowa it's like Estonia of America yeah it is ultra white ultra white ultra chill Cam Patterson wasn't at that gig was he nope and uh we went to like uh me Martin Philip oh David Jolly was on there we're the crew me Martin David Jolly if you don't know by now we're the fucking crew yep holding it down and we went to like a concert uh just randomly it was like a rock concert one of of those, it was like a feminist band. Yeah, you can't even call them chicks. You have to, it's they, you know, it's one of those. Between every song, there would be like, this is for all the men out there who don't take no for an answer.

2:01:20Bang, bang, you're a rapist, you know. Bang, bang.

2:01:29Entrance was five bucks for whatever you are, but if you're a guy, 15, I respect that. So it was just me, David Jolly, and Martin at this gig, dude. Did you go there trying to fuck chicks? Yes. That's why I go to gay bars and feminist extravaganzas. They don't even know what's coming. I'll be the Dylan there. Oh my God. God, totally fucking marginalized community, dude.

2:02:01Can I finger they?

2:02:10And then while they're rocking out, this feminist extravaganza, while we're, me and David Jolly, Martin was meeting us there, because you know he takes time to get to places. I ain't got time to fucking wait for this fucking... Stop lights in the moir are short. I see Martin, me and David see Martin behind the window, he's like knocking on the window i'm like what the fuck and he's got his dog you know andy the little fucked up dog martin phillips has a service animal yeah it's not a it's just a dog but a dog oh in in his sense it's definitely a service yeah pretty sure everybody that's that handicapped yeah and he's out there with andy and he then he texts me they're not letting me in with the dog You should have seen me, dude.

2:02:58Fool Karen. I go straight to the manager. I Google federal law in America. You can't even ask why the dog is there. Fuck you. I just kept... No, you should have... Me and David Jolly, too. He's like, yeah! You know?

2:03:14Dude, the owner comes to the bar, and he's, like, explaining that it's law. If there's food being served, there can't be a dog allowed. And, dude, I'm fucked. I'm literally yelling at the bar, like, federal law! David's in the back showing the gun. You know, we're fucking... If the feminists on stage only knew the work I've done. And I got that motherfucking dog in, dude. Yeah! I love it.

2:03:40Brian Redban:You are a legend and... Yeah, Ari Matty. And also... Hello, Ryan O 'Neal. And also... Does anybody remember the time I went to Florida? I went to Tito Ortiz's bar. and I needed my fucking belt for the fucking raffle. Remember when Tito Ortiz fucked me? Yeah. And you know me, dog. I'm getting my fucking belt. So Heidi, can you bring out my fucking belt? Oh, wow. He won the Tito Ortiz. Tito Ortiz, where you at? Wow. That is incredible. How'd you end up getting it? Actually, Tito sent it to me. He's a very nice guy. He said

2:04:25he's a very nice guy he literally told me you gotta stop kill tony people from coming in and calling me a liar and a thief and a scammer no he said it's a whole thing people groups and groups fuck you tito liar where's the belt i love that that's the kill tony world don't fuck with us

2:04:44Brian Redban:Damn right. Very rarely do I sick the Kill Tony universe on anybody. So Tito, good job playing along. Fantastic stuff. You are indeed the reigning defending Kill Tony champion of the world as well. Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen. The force of nature, the Estonian assassin. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebald is in. How loud can you guys get from my fantastic fucking guest tonight? Chris O 'Connor is in Cleveland, August 15th and 16th at Hilarities. Go to achrisoconnor.com or go to the link that's at Chris O 'Connor Comedy. Connor with the last two letters being O-R. Speaking of O-R, that's the first room I ever performed in in my entire history of stand-up comedy at the Comedy Store.

2:05:35Brian Redban:And the first emcee to bring me up, the first comedy show I ever saw in my life, was hosted by, one more time, Ryan O 'Neill, everybody. With two L's at the end. Go check out Slop Quest. The podcast is available everywhere. Absolutely. And check them out at Ryan O 'Neill with two L's, comedy.com. Thank you to Blue Chew, ZipRecruiter, and Shopify. One more time for the best damn band in the land. let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight everybody while we all said wow that's fucking amazing Cam Patterson on like some type of little boat absolutely fucking amazing that looks great local artist Chris Rogers follow him at Chris Rogers Art right on social media yep Red Band check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club Brian Callan has a new improv show Wednesday's Sunset Strip ATX.com.

2:06:33Brian Redban:Love you guys. We're doing it. We're really doing it, Red Band. We're living the dream. Madison Square Garden. I do stand-up on the 15th of August. We do Kill Tony for the third time at Madison Square Garden, August 16th. When I go to Madison Square Garden, crazy stuff tends to happen. I don't know if you guys know about this, but it's a very, very... I have an amazing history at that venue. A lot of other fun stuff happening. I'm doing stand-up everywhere, getting ready for a big special taping at the end of September. So check me out doing stand-up. I promise you. It's very, very good. And that is about it.

2:07:20Brian Redban:Did you guys have fun tonight? Thank you. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much.

2:07:59The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.