#730 - IAN FIDANCE + DUNCAN TRUSSELL

19:09Brian Redban:This is what a show this is, right? One second he's doing Nazi salutes. The next he's admitting to being molested. all to start the show. So you just, that's what you remember? That's what I remember, Tony. Do you remember anything else? Were your pants wet the next morning? Yeah, they were a little wet. Yeah, they were a little wet. Did they film it? You said it was OnlyFans. I sure hope they didn't film it. Oh, my God. It's her OnlyFans. Nope. Nope. Any other details about it that you remember? Nah, I remember feeling shame the next day. You felt shame? Yeah, I felt shame. Imagine how they felt.

19:57Brian Redban:What the fuck did we do last night? They felt nothing. Just rare stripper guilt. The rare SG. All right. The show has begun under the unbelievable control of Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen. Great job. And now we go to the bucket. You guys know this is the part where things can get a little bit wacky because we're meeting people. Anything can happen. A lot of these people's hearts are beating out of their fucking chest because minutes before, they have no idea that they're going up, and all of a sudden now they're on the biggest comedy show in the world. This looks like a fake name, but I'm going to read it anyway.

20:40Brian Redban:We're going to see what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the name goes by Tony Pepperoni. Oh, my God. It's Tony Pepperoni.

20:56Hey, it's me, Tony Pepperoni.

21:01Hey, what do you call it when the Wright brothers do 9-11? The wrong brothers? Mamma Mia. When I say Mamma Mia, you say Papa Pia. Mamma Mia.

21:14Brian Redban:Papa Pia. Hey, what's a fat lady's favorite computer, Adele? Mamma mia. Hey, guys. Anxiety's like vaping. Just because you're not ashamed of it doesn't mean it's not gay. Mamma mia.

21:32What was that? Say some racist jokes? Okay.

21:47What do you call a Chinese guy with a lot of money, cha-ching? Mamma mia!

21:59What do you call an Italian with herpes? Tony Pepperoni.

22:09Brian Redban:Tony Pepperoni, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Unbelievable. Welcome to the show, Tony Pepperoni. Thank you. You absolutely destroyed. This is incredible. We've never had anything quite exactly like you on the show before. While your name is Tony Pepperoni, you are also wearing a shirt covered in pepperonis. You took the approach that Heath should have taken to a fake mustache. Just gone straight duct tape. None of this fucking just regular padding bullshit over here. and for some reason, why not? You're wearing a chef's hat that even chefs don't ever actually wear. It's just basically a costume. Tony Pepperoni, how long have you been doing stand-up?

22:55Five years. Oh, wow, look at that. Oh, my God.

23:00Brian Redban:How long have you been experimenting with the Tony Pepperoni character? Three years. All right. Two years in and you're like, I need to try something else. Did you notice an improvement when you made the big switch to Tony Pepperoni? Huge improvement. Huge. People love Tony Pepperoni. Now, where have you been doing this at? Austin. Oh, you've lived here in Austin the whole time? Yes, sir. This is where you're originally from? Yes, sir. Wow. Amazing. Amazing. So, Tony, Mr. Pepperoni, if I may, what do you do for work exactly? I'm unemployed.

23:52Brian Redban:What was the last job that you had? I worked in tech. I was a tech bro. Okay. Up until when? How long have you been unemployed for? Eight months. Eight months. Holy shit. I mean, what's your plan, Tony Pepperoni? I've got to sell some t-shirts. If anybody wants to go on my Instagram, I'm selling T-shirts. Are they Tony Pepperoni T-shirts? Yeah. Well, you're about to sell out. What's your Instagram? Tony Pepperoni Comedy. Wow. Tony Pepperoni Comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Support Tony Pepperoni. We love Tonys, and we love Pepperonis. Incredible. How many T-shirts have you sold up to this date? Zero.

24:36Brian Redban:Wow. Amazing. We would expect nothing less, nothing more. That is the over-under at DraftKings.com, using the promo code KILTONY. So let's talk about it, Tony. What do you do for fun? Sometimes I make rap beats. Like on a computer at home? Yeah, yeah, on a computer at home. You don't do it with your mouth or anything? Well, sometimes I rap. Really? Yeah. Wow. It's not good. I mean, guys, I mean, I don't care if you say it's not good. You're wearing a chef's hat. You have duct tape on your face, a pepperoni shirt, and you crushed your set. Michael, give us a little light beat. Tell him the beat that you want, Tony Pepperoni.

25:21Brian Redban:A slow beat.

25:28Brian Redban:Hey, give me that spotlight.

25:33Brian Redban:Yo.

25:41Put your hands in the air. Put your hands in the air. When I say mama mia, you say I'll pop a beer. Mama mia. Mama mia. Mama mia. Yo, see ya. I wouldn't want to be ya. Cause you ain't the one, the one that's wearing pizza. That's me, Tony P. P-P-E-Double P. G-R-O-N-E. Ain't no phony. Ain't no bologna. It's cheese and pepperoni. Check my Insta via shirt and get to know me.

26:20Oh! Wow.

26:24Brian Redban:I'm getting reports in my ear that that is one of the most prolific raps in the history of the show. Some people are saying, they're also saying that you just said pepperoni five times. It's absolutely incredible. Wow. What's your real name? Anthony. Anthony.

26:48Brian Redban:So you really are a Tony? Yes, sir. Wow. Wow. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Is there anything else crazy we should know about your life, Tony Pepperoni? I used to work in the sewers. You used to work in the sewers? Yes, sir. Yeah. Absolutely amazing. Red band on the ones and twos. No better time for an Italian stereotype than Tony Pepperoni telling us that he worked in the sewers. What exactly did you do in the sewers? Mostly I crawled in the sewers and I got all the big rocks out of the way. Wow. Okay.

27:37Brian Redban:Amazing. Wow. That is incredible. Was there anything else that you did other than move big rocks out of the way in a sewer? Did you have any other responsibilities at all? I've never heard of an actual Italian doing anything like this in the past 150 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we had to inspect the sewer pipes with a camera. So I would lower the camera in, And then pull it back out. Wow. Very good. Very good. Pulling out is exactly what you should be doing, Tony Pepperoni. But I'm going to tell you what. I loved your minute. I loved the interview. I loved everything about it. It's completely insane, but I like it.

28:22Brian Redban:Tony Pepperoni, ladies and gentlemen, has started the show. Started the bucket. And we have pure momentum going into bucket pool number two. Absolutely incredible. One more time for Tony Pepperoni, everyone. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Speaking of pepperonis. The lovely Heidi. How about a hand for Heidi, everyone? One of the backbones of our squad here. All right, we're having fun. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Ian Simon, everyone. Ian Simon Make some noise for Ian, everybody How the fuck is everybody doing? This is a great evening Glad to fucking be here, guys Fucking band, amazing Alright, so Let's start off, I'm fucking Jew, alright I'm a German Jew, to be exact So it's very confusing for me a lot Sometimes I'm like, oh, hey, vey The other times I'm like, see, Kyle It's very, I can fucking say it, guys anyway here's one for you what do you get when you cross a jewish guy nothing christianity

29:49bring it back okay so we have any animal lovers out here everybody loves animals got a fucking dog come on you got a dog yeah see dog's cat you're good so i got a black cat black rescue cat I named her Toothless from How to Train a Dragon. And let's just say she had teeth when I found her. I really love me some black pussy. Speaking of fried chicken, if this doesn't work out well, I'm going to open up a food truck. Because every time you want Chick-fil-A, it's closed on a fucking Sunday, dude. Bullshit.

30:28Brian Redban:Ian Simon. Side Chicks. Whoa. Okay. Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian. Stick with me over here. That's it. That's it, buddy. That's it. Your part's done. Sorry. Hi, Ian. You've seen the show before, right? Not till the end. Not till the end. I always turn it off before the end. Okay. I don't like to see the bad guy die. Okay, Ian. Momster movies. Ian. Oh, ADHD is a hell of a drug, Tony. Okay, well, it doesn't work very well on this show. You're in the interview part now, Ian. I need my crutch before I forget. Harlan Williams gave me a crutch, a silver crutch. I'm sorry, I should be doing this, right? Are you supposed to be talking?

31:08Brian Redban:You are correct. Wow. Somehow your instincts took over there. Look at that. Amazing. Thank you. Ian, so you've been on the show once before, right? Yes, sir. And Harlan was the guest. What did we learn about you that night? That I'm damaged goods, pretty much. But, you know, in a good way. What way? can you explain can you remind us what we learned exactly um i probably shouldn't be out in public why um i wish it was something cool like tourette's or something like that it's not i'm just borderline retarded okay like not special needs but the other retard the one that used to before they switched it up and everything went sideways you know when you could just be like that's retarded that motherfucker's a can you please change your name to not ian

32:02Brian Redban:please perhaps something perhaps something that rhymes with a pizza topping or something like that like mama mia and the papa pia there you go hey kill yourself yeah hey yo Ian how long have you been doing stand up about a year and a half two years what do you do for work um nothing at the moment uh-huh um thank you for asking though uh we touched on it last time i've i've had disability for 20 years because i'm all fucked up and uh how'd you get fucked up um it's been a run of interesting you know can you just name some other things yeah car car accidents um adrenaline junkie crap uh just run of the mill driving your car driving his car into protests.

32:57I've been known to get a protest or two on the way to Circle K or 7-Eleven.

33:03Brian Redban:Okay, Ian, we're going to keep it moving. You got a little joke book last time you were on? Fuck no, I didn't. I got a crutch. You got nothing. You got nothing last time. No, no, I got a silver crutch. I could see why you got nothing last time. You know, I was in ER twice for my legs. Here, catch this. There he goes, Ian Simon, everybody. There he goes. There he goes, Ian Simon. everyone. He's leaving now. There you go, Ian. There he goes. There goes Ian Simon, everybody. One more time for Ian, everyone. There he goes. Hell yeah! There's a vibe tonight. Anything can happen on this show. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, Mark Fitz.

33:46Brian Redban:Mark Fitz. Yeah!

33:55You know how transvestites do that thing where they tuck their dick and balls between their legs, make it look like they might have a pussy? I was wondering, what do old transvestites do with all that saggy, stretchy scrotum skin? My knees are shaking. All that saggy scrotum skin hanging out. Someone told me they'd stuff it up their ass, is what I heard. I thought I was high, and I thought, what the fuck would they do if they farted with that giant skin bag inside? They'd blow a giant fucking balloon out their ass. Then I thought, man, what if they ate like a fuckload of beans and just put something coli into it?

34:27Man, they could work up a massive fucking fart. He could unwedge his fucking G-string and take flight like a fucking hot air balloon, man. My legs are shaking, man. He could go on to be the next giant hairy scrotum float in the next gay pride parade, man. That's something for an old tranny to put on his bucket list, ain't it? Short tag. Quick and funny. Parade floats bust open sometimes. If that scrotum float was the most open, that would rain down, come all over those s***s, like manna from the heavens of the great gods. Gay gods. Thank you, that's my time.

35:01Brian Redban:Okay. Mark Fitz. Welcome to the show. Mark, this is your first time on, correct? Yeah. I would remember if you've been on before, and I loved seeing new faces up here. And we like your style, Mark. What are you doing? You got the boys laughing. You got everybody laughing. and you did... We are so relieved after the last comedian. Believe it or not. Basically, you're like, after Ian Simon, you're basically Richard fucking Pryor right now. We would have laughed at anything, and you did good enough. No, don't worry about it. Don't ruin it now, Mark. Just play it cool. Wait until I ask you a question, Mark.

35:41Brian Redban:Play it cool, Mark. You're doing good. Duncan Trussell. I wasn't laughing at your jokes. Thanks Same I was laughing because like the Only funny part of that to me Was when you kept saying my legs are shaking Yeah when I did the scrotum thing I looked down and my knees were okay then And I went like this and my knees were like See that's real Everything else is You I can't imagine that at some point You're like I wonder what happens If an old transvestite You think if they eat beans, they shit a fart?

36:26Brian Redban:So let's talk about it, Mark. You have a very good command of the stage. You're calm, cool, collected. How old are you, Mark? 63. How long have you been doing stand-up? That's a loaded question. 44 years, but technically, technically this is my first time on stage. All right, explain that to us. the first time I ever actually did a stand-up act was when I was in 11th grade. I was in this class. It was called a speech class. And every week you had to give a... It wasn't like how we talk, but it was like they give you a speech class. They taught you every week how to present a... Like I do a presentation speech for something, you know?

37:05Yeah. And the one week it was for doing a stand-up act. And I had two George Carlin albums. I had a Toledo window box and Class Clown. I had that shit memorized, man. I'm like the first A I ever gotten. So you just did George Carlin jokes?

37:20Brian Redban:Yeah. Nice. He let us plagiarize. We're kids. So you did a Carlos Mencia impression. Very good. Yeah. I actually thought about saying something like that. So this is your first time on stage since then? Right here? You haven't done any open? Yeah, I've never been on stage. No open mics? No nothing? No, no, no. You just decided to come here? Yeah. Wow, what made you do that? Kind of a bucket list thing. To be on Kill Tony? How many weeks have you signed up? To do stand-up, but then it was to, like, I was initially going to, like, try to just do open legs and, like, do the three-minute things, but do three one-minutes and see which one's the best one and hopefully get on here.

37:56Sure. But that never happened. Why? My first year, I came down to Austin. I had three different medical issues that caused me simple things, nothing big. What were they? Knee operation to feet operations. And, no, I don't have feet, like.

38:11Brian Redban:Plantar fascia and an ACL? No, all my toes, and I had a broken foot. What happened to your toes? Kind of like I had hammer toe shit. I had like a, just had to correct it. Okay. That was a screwdriver. Ian can heal you. He does this thing where he sucks on toes. That's okay. Give me them toenails. Let me take your beard while I do it. How long ago did you move to Austin? About three years ago. So three years ago. So when you were 60 years old, you moved to Austin. Where did you move from? Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. What were you doing in Pittsburgh, working in the steel industry? No, no.

38:47I've been doing, like, I used to do construction work, but I had some injuries, and my body can't take it no more, so I started doing, like, online merch stores and stuff like that.

38:56Brian Redban:Okay. Trying. What do you do for fun? Shoot pool. Nice. A few other things. Not really much. Absolutely. Okay, Duncan, show us your feet. Yeah. Show us your feet. You don't want to do it? Feet! Feet! Feet! He's embarrassed. He doesn't want to show his feet. We're getting out hard. It's not like Cam's dad. They look normal. They're just normal. Amazing reference. My little toe was kind of curling over a little bit onto the side is all it was. Now they fixed it. Now it's straight. All you see is a little scar. I'm not taking my sock and shoe off. Sorry. So they made your toes... Pay me later. I might...

39:40Brian Redban:No. Okay. So the doctor made your toes straight? Yeah. Okay, I'm going to need to talk to this doctor.

39:59Brian Redban:Anyway. Do you have any kids? No. Not that I know of. So you were just... You have a wife ever? No. Never married? No. You gay? Come on. No? Okay. I wish it. No. Jesus Christ. All right. Homophobe. What are you? What are you? Heath's grandmother? Okay. That actually makes sense because Heath's grandmother, homophobe, and had a penis. Could be him. Oh, hell. Him. It was a reference from earlier. I was listening to that, yeah. But you've had girlfriends. Of course, yeah. Of course. What's the longest relationship you ever had? A few months. A few months? That's it? Well, how do these things end so fast with you?

40:41Brian Redban:You're a handsome man. You look like you could be a former pro wrestler or something. I used to be really good, but no. I was real wild as a kid. Tell us about that. What do you mean you were real wild? Yeah, I kind of figured you would. Yeah. Like other people, I don't understand why people don't come prepared, of course, with jokes, but also to talk about something. You literally have an opportunity to do what you're criticizing right now. You are in the moment being like, you know what's crazy is when people don't answer questions honestly. Go right ahead. I was a real bad, wild kid. I started stealing when I was seven.

41:18That went all off into my young adult life. I spent a bunch of time in and out of jail and prisons.

41:24Brian Redban:What's the longest you ever spent in prison? I did 17 years altogether, but seven of it was busted up into a bunch of little... Wow. And I did 10 years straight in a maximum security prison. Oh, my God. So what did you do to get the 10-year sentence? Robbery and a handful of other unrelated things. What did you rob exactly? Us of our time?

41:52I'm so scared of you. That's a good thing.

41:57Brian Redban:You're a real bandit out there. Old curly toes. Strikes again. Ah, the curly toed bandit. I hooked him with my toe. No, I, uh, it was, uh... Old curvy toast. I kind of hate talking about it. I robbed the safe... You know what the 10-year federal sentence was for. Yeah, I just said I feel weird talking about it. I bet. It was, uh, yeah, I mean, it's long ago. It's over now. You're a great guy now. I robbed a safe in a grocery store. You broke open a safe in a grocery store? No, I went in while they were open for business and called for the manager and had them take me back. Was it an HEB? No, no, no, no.

42:36No, this was a different state.

42:38Brian Redban:Giant Eagle? No. Kroger? Different state. Was it a Kroger? It was one of the... No, it was one of the... Whole Foods? This wasn't in Pittsburgh. It was one of those... Wegmans? I don't even know the name of the grocery store. It wasn't a normal chain grocery store. You don't even know the name of the grocery store that you robbed and got 10 years in federal prison for? I think that's the last thing I should really concentrate on. I mean, you got 10 years in prison. I would have... No, it was one of them no name. It wasn't like a chain grocery store. It was one of them little... Okay, so let's slow it down.

43:10Brian Redban:Just stick with me and answer the questions honestly, okay? So, at what point did you get caught? Did you get money out of the safe? Oh, yeah, I got away with it. How much did you get? But then I got caught later. Answer the fucking questions. I was. Answer the fucking questions. Stick with me. Focus, focus, motherfucker. How much money did you get out of the safe on that day? $11 ,000, and I got away with it, but then I got caught later. Okay. How did you get caught later? How long did you get away with it? How did they catch you? When I ran out the door of the grocery store, they slide open, but it's not fast enough because I'm wanting to leave real fast.

43:45Put the mic up to your mouth. Oh, sorry. And I put my hand onto the door and pushed it shut. Oh, fingerprints. I already had fingerprints on it.

43:53Brian Redban:Yes. Wow. So how long did you get away with it for? Two months, one month, three months? A few months. How long? What did you spend? No, it was like about six, almost five, six months, yeah. all good what did you spend the eleven thousand dollars on uh-huh just i just just i i don't know just blew it just i was throw it off were you doing drugs no i never did drugs you never did drugs prostitutes nah no booger sugar no you robbed a grocery store of eleven thousand dollars and you didn't spend the money on anything in particular No, I just blew it. I was very wild and adventure-seeking kind of a person.

44:35That was my weird... I liked the thrill of... In a sick, demented... Again, I was a fucked-up childhood, so I just liked the...

44:43Brian Redban:What was fucked up about your childhood? Tell us that. I was just wild as fuck. Just off the chain, wild as fuck. I started stealing when I was seven. I did my first burglary when I was nine. I wasn't a good kid. When you say burglary at nine, what exactly did you burglar at nine? Somebody's house that left the doors open. And what did you get from their house? Toys? No. Do you steal at nine? No, I would steal money and stuff. The first time I did it, I went back to this house like four or five times over a period of a couple months. And I would go in, sneak some stuff, take it. What's the last crime that you committed?

45:23That one I did. The big one, the grocery store. and then since and when i got into prison that time there my my first year in i was like your typical angry fucking prisoner but i uh my second year and i decided man i'm done with this shit and i i while i was there i it wasn't hard i mean it was very hard it wasn't easy inside of max maturity prison to turn your life around but craziest thing that happened to you in the 10

45:45Brian Redban:years in prison you answer this one good and then the interview is over but i want a good fucking answer on this one i don't want you to go it was wild and me go what do you mean wild it's really wild amigo what the fuck do you mean dude because you're driving me kind of crazy i got snagged up in a riot but i got out of it and left but it wasn't when you say snagged up in a riot again what exactly do you mean well i was in i was in one of them prisons where it's divided up into gangs of course i'm guessing i didn't want to be in it so i was like by myself which is rather They're dangerous, but I used to be really big, so I was able to get.

46:22So, like, the white? I was outside out in the grass field, and it was a softball field, and there was only one gate to go through to get out. And a riot started right outside that gate. And I had to leave because you have to go lock down when they have riots, and this place has riots all the fucking time. Yeah. And I got snagged up in a little bit, but I just got up. Set was decent.

46:44Brian Redban:Interview was compelling. I'm giving you a big joke book Mark Fitz Can I ask you one thing real fast? Can I ask you one thing real fast? You're going to ask me something right now I've been trying to contact Ari Matty for a while I can help him I can help him qualify for a government program to get citizenship I'll give you his phone number Hold on, no, Duncan Duncan, no But it's prison style He got to give me something in return

47:19Brian Redban:I actually have Can you explain to us how you of all people not me, friends with the current administration or Joe Rogan who literally decided the presidency of the United States what can you do that we can't do exactly? It's a long story how I got it but I stumbled I was looking for something for myself not because I'm a New Yorker immigrant but something else but I noticed this one thing that I read about and it's something that he could qualify for that's a pathway to citizenship. I actually, I put the, I actually, because I wasn't trying to contact him. I did a video and I put it on a tablet.

47:54I have the tablet out here to give to you so he can, it explains it in the video. It's too much to explain out here and it's not funny. Oh.

48:09Brian Redban:Hello. Ari, you're on the show. Jesus Christ. I know I told you that you have the night off, but there's a guy up here, very scary guy. He's been in prison numerous times. He's 63 years old. The last time he was on stage was 44 years ago. It takes him forever to answer questions. He spent 10 years in federal prison after robbing a grocery store in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for$11 ,000. He got away with it for six months, but he left his fingerprints on the door on his way out. And he was part of a riot once. long story short, at the very end, after I told him, I'm going to give him a big joke book, he said, there's one more thing.

48:49Brian Redban:Can I ask you a question? I can help Ari Maddo get citizenship. How far away are you from the club exactly? I am just getting out of the steam room, so...

49:06I reckon I'm like 15 minutes out.

49:09Brian Redban:Okay, well, we have a guy here that's going to... that's going to talk to you about some stuff, and then we'll have some drinks afterwards, okay? So the guy who's a convicted criminal from the grocery store is going to help me. That's all I need, Tony. How about you get another rapist or a Nazi? How about we get a whole crew together? What the fuck kind of a crew are you putting together? I need a lawyer, not a criminal. Absolutely perfect. Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen. We love you, Ari. We'll see you soon. There you go. And here's your big joke book. Did you have fun here tonight? You seem like you didn't enjoy this.

49:46Brian Redban:You happy? Okay, there you go. There he goes, Mark Fitz.

49:55Brian Redban:Let's get one more bucket pool out here. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Are we having fun out there? That's what I fucking thought. Make some noise for him. It's Jimmy Copeteros, everybody. Jimmy Copeteros.

50:15Austin, motherfucking Texas. How we doing? Little about me. I'm a 10-year manager of a grocery store in Pittsburgh.

50:30What the fuck? I got fucking 60s. I'm going to fuck this whole thing up. I got 60s. I might have did some worse shit than him. I have an 11-year-old son, and I accidentally showed him all the porn in my phone. Austin, I'm picking him up from summer camp two weeks ago. We're driving home. He sees the Tesla Cybertruck. Dad, I heard those are expensive. Let me have your phone. I hand it to him. It's quiet. Dad, I look over. Massive amounts of blowjobs on my phone. Full panic. Full panic. I don't even know how that got on my phone. He's 11. Dad, it's actually right here in the search bar. I'm freaking out.

51:10I take the phone from him. Listen, this is why we have Google Block on your electronics. One minute I might see is Tom Brady coming out of retirement, and the next minute I see this disgusting filter.

51:24And it's quiet, and I feel like I weathered the storm, and he says, Dad, it's totally okay if you're gay.

51:32I just start showing him all the vagina. There it is.

51:35Brian Redban:Very solid, ladies and gentlemen. Jimmy Cope-Tarrows. Welcome to the show, Jimmy. Thank you, guys. I like your style. Great start. Rolling off of the Pittsburgh thing. Welcome, welcome. Jimmy, how long have you been on stand-up? Two years and a month. Awesome. Where are you from? Outside of Tampa. Okay. Gordon Dixon country. That's my boy. That sounded less weird in my head. Who's Gordon Dixon? He was on here. He works down at Shakespeare's. He's been on here. Okay. All right. Thank you guys for coming. Okay, yes. They're all here for you, Jimmy. I just wanted to give him a shot. I came and saw my boy.

52:15Brian Redban:Crazy shout-out to give, but okay. You got it out there. And you'll never get repaid for that, by the way. It's an odd favor, and you did it. I like your style, Jimmy. What do you do for work? What type of mechanic are you exactly? I rob grocery stores, Tony. No, seriously, Jimmy. Stick with me. What do you do for work? I own a junk removal and hauling and home services company. Wow, strong white guy stuff. It's called Jimmy's so you know I own it. Like, I just needed to... Yeah. If you need someone to haul your junk... Where were you, Tony? I apologize. Okay. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Do you live here now?

52:58No. You still live in Tampa? I do. Okay. It's my second time here. You didn't ask that. Okay.

53:07Brian Redban:All right, Jimmy. Very good. What's the most interesting thing that's ever happened in your life? It's cancer interesting. I don't know if that's interesting. You had cancer? Yeah, three years, cancer free. Wow, congratulations. It was of the lymph nodes? It was the lymph nodes. The lymph nodes? Yeah. Did you get it? Yeah. And were you a heavy smoker? Do you guys have tissues here or no? Okay. Jesus. I'm a light smoker. I'm a light smoker. You still smoke? I smoke, I mean, do you have one? No, I smoke, I drink. Uh-huh. And all that added up. How old were you when you got diagnosed with cancer?

53:50Brian Redban:44. Okay, and you had partied hard from your whole life up until that point? No, I've never been a partier. What was your symptoms? So I was picking a friend up from the airport. I lean over to tie my shoes and I start salivating. So I go over to the sink and it's just blood. Oh, Jesus. It's the hot part of the show. So then I call 911. It was just a burst abscess. And they go, which every doctor has told me, your tonsils are massive. Have you ever been told you should remove them? And I go, yeah. And they go, we think it's time. So I had my tonsils removed like a miracle. they remove my tonsils and they find the smallest now what they'll tell you about cancer is they're looking for like a cluster of grapes they found like a grape so i had like a 99 cure rate i knew i was going to be okay but still had to throw the kitchen sink at it so 35 rounds of radiation seven rounds of chemo 56 pounds lost feeding tube all the stuff um yeah i mean i can make that funny or I could polish that pig up if you want.

55:00I'm just saying, I do have a joke, but I don't want to... Can I say that? I think we all have cancer now, Jimmy.

55:08Brian Redban:It's oral. Oral. Got it. All right, well... You really have kids? Yeah. How many do you have? Eight kids. Just one? Yeah. How old's he? He's 12 now. 12 now. Is it true that he found porn on his phone? Fake story. Say it again? Real story or fake story? It starts out as a real story. He was about four or five, not two weeks ago. And he saw it and he goes, Dad, what's this? And I go, mind your fucking business or whatever. Like, it wasn't even a relevant thing that I had to explain. Right. But I felt like it would be a good bit. All right, yeah. Feelings aren't facts.

55:52Brian Redban:How do we feel about Jimmy, guys? It's very rare that we have the same comedian on twice in a row. It's very exciting. My picture was on the wall on that fucking grocery store. By the way, it was called Pathmark. You don't remember the name of it. I fucking remember it. I'll never forget that day. Rest of my life. Third time's a charm. I like you, Jimmy. You oscillate between funny and then trying to argue. I think you're naturally funny. Some of your mannerisms and little lines I thought were very funny, but then it's like, I don't know, you try to be fine. I would suggest just be natural. You have a very compelling, funny story to tell.

56:35I think stick to that and just be yourself more, and I think you'd be great. I thought it was... I was laughing at some parts. I'm taking all that. Because if you have 60 seconds and you laugh at some parts... That's pretty good. Well, it was a little bit of a long walk around the block for the punchline, but it still had a punchline. And I just wanted to take you on that walk. Thank you. It's not all funny. Some of it's, you know. When you showed a four-year-old blowjob porn,

57:07and he goes, what's that, Dad? You really said, nothing. Shut the fuck up.

57:18I mean, it sounds different the way you said it. But yeah, also, yeah. Also, that's what I said. Yeah, both of those can be synonymously true. Yours sounded more like rough. Just say it like you said it. Your Honor, yes. I said... Hey, Dad! Fucking worry about that. Dad, you just fucked up my life forever. I'm four.

57:40Brian Redban:I have more neurons in my brain than at any other time in my life. And this is going to freeze itself into my memory. I'll probably have to get therapy. probably rob a grocery store. My toes are going to curl in. What is this? Now I know what you mean about the long journey to the punch. I get it now. I get it. Jimmy Cope Tarros, here's a medium-sized joke book. Congratulations. You were just on Kill Tony. There he goes. Jimmy Cope Tarros. We're flying through it this evening, ladies and gentlemen. It is happening. People are going to the restroom to do bumps of the old Puerto Rican pound cake.

58:19Brian Redban:There they go, everybody. All right, it's a special part of the show, ladies and gentlemen. One of our Hall of Fame former regulars is behind that curtain right now. We very rarely get to see him. Known for what I've been kind of looking for and struggling with this evening, which is the most honest, direct answers in interview history in the Kill Tony universe. if you know the words to his theme song, sing along. For this is Hans Kim.

58:58Hey. I like how Texans will make fun of liberal cities, but when they jerk off, they set their VPN to California.

59:16That's gay as fuck, bro.

59:21I have a gun.

59:25Not on me. Somewhere in the room.

59:32I don't even leave my door unlocked anymore because I want to use it. Like, oh, is that my best friend I invited an hour ago or the greatest moment of my life?

59:49I have an AR-15. I can shoot 600 yards. I can't even imagine being mad at someone that far away.

1:00:02Hey, you better stop doing that in 500 yards. All right, that's my time.

1:00:08Brian Redban:Thank you so much. Showing the difference between Golden Sicket Winners, bucket pools and true true full-time regulars of the show former weekly regular hans kim is back ladies and gentlemen hello my sweet sweet hansy hello tony thank you for having me i uh sorry about this weekend i totally fucked up oh that's right you guys want to hear a fucking behind the scene's awesome showbiz story and how absolutely insanely autistic and retarded hans kim is everyone let me ask you this before i tell them the story you don't have to say the number don't say the number but was that the highest paying one-time 15 minute long gig you've ever missed yes without a doubt right without a doubt so for 15 minutes let me just tell you it was a lot of money.

1:01:04Brian Redban:We will not say the number, but just know a fucking lot of money especially for 15 minutes of work. It was scheduled to be in Edmonton, Canada. We all did it. I made it. Ari Maddy made it. David Lucas made it. William Montgomery made it. We had to have a layover in Denver because what they don't tell you about Austin is that it doesn't fucking have direct flights everywhere like LA did. That sucks. Anyway, and in Denver, Hans Kim after we ate breakfast, he realized right then, boarding the plane to Edmonton, Canada, that he forgot his passport, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And if you're wondering how much money, definitely at least half your salary.

1:01:58Brian Redban:Half of your annual salary. It was as much as a teacher makes in a year. Yes. For 15 minutes of work, the only thing that he needed to bring was his passport. Not even a change of underwear would be necessary. We would all have been home 24 hours later. And we were, me, Ari, William, David, richer than ever. And then there was Hans, who had to tell me what happened. I don't even know. I couldn't even talk to you afterwards because it was so stupidly frustrating. Oh, yeah. So what happened? You had to get a flight from Austin or from Denver to Austin? I was going to do that, but then I was like, I have a weekend in Appleton that I canceled for that show.

1:02:43So I was like, let me just go to Appleton. So I was just alone in a hotel room while you guys were in a stadium.

1:02:49Brian Redban:Oh, my God, yes. In Appleton. In Appleton, Wisconsin. Yeah. So that's even worse. Holy shit. So wait, hold on. Did you cancel the whole weekend? No, I canceled the Friday. So you were going to fly from Edmonton to Appleton? Yeah. That's crazy. So that night, can you tell us, like, what was going through your head? What type of guilt? I was like, stupid, stupid, stupid.

1:03:21Brian Redban:See, that's what I'm talking about. That's how you answer a question on Kill Tony, honestly. Do you, like, punch yourself when you're angry and stuff like that? I throw things very hard sometimes, but I try not to do it anymore because, yeah, it scares people. That's true. That is true. So, Hans, what else is going on in life? Well, the shows in Appleton were great. There was a... Yeah. And you had to do, what, two hour-long sets? Three, two Saturday, one Sunday to make up for the Friday. So I was just like four days away from home, just without the teacher salary. Yeah. And, you know, there was a pregnant lady in the show, and she had a seizure during my set.

1:04:08Brian Redban:Wow. A pregnant lady had a seizure during your set in Appleton, Wisconsin. Yeah, she was fine. She couldn't handle her liquor. No, I'm just kidding. That's the joke the husband made. Okay. Giving credit where it's due. But, yeah, I was like, name the kid after me. But yeah, she was seasoned up. I guess that's something that women do when they're pregnant. No, it isn't! I don't know. Maybe she was a liberal. Was it at a specific joke? Was there something that it was? Yeah, it was like, you know, the Chinese, a lot of people were racist to the Chinese during the pandemic, which as a Korean, I say, let them have it.

1:05:00Yeah, they're the ones that decided to eat bats and pangolins. I was just eating dogs like a good Asian. That's right.

1:05:07Brian Redban:Hans still got it. Wow. Everything else is good, Hans? What else is going on? I have a bulletproof vest now. What the fuck is going on with you, Hans? He's the Virginia Tech shooter 2.0.

1:05:26I mean, yeah, it's a force multiplier. I have a battle belt. What do you mean? Wait, what? What's a force? What do you mean? Like, if you have a bulletproof vest, it multiplies how much force you can inflict on your enemies. What? What do you mean? Like, if you buy another gun, it's not like you're going to dual wield two AR-15s, So it makes more sense to buy, like, gear that'll help you in a gun battle. This has gone from an interview to evidence. Yeah. It is kind of wild.

1:06:00Brian Redban:What are you going to do with all of this stuff, Hans? Do you ever have thoughts about it? Yeah, I think about Shit Hits La Fan, SHTF a lot. Wait, what? SHTF. I've been watching a lot of YouTube about this. Nobody knows what that is. You're a prepper. You're becoming a prepper. Thank you. He bought me a long-range walkie-talkie recently. I don't know if that means I'm safe.

1:06:31Brian Redban:Oh, a walkie-talkie. Oh, a Red Band, I get you a gift. Oh, do you want the walkie-talkie? The shit hit the fan. Meet me at 2.30. I'm sorry. I put the walk in walkie-talkie. What is your plan with the walkie-talkie situation? Looking for some long-form friendship? Yeah, when we're out in the woods, you know, like doing an end. You go out in the woods sometimes here in downtown Austin? The old famous Austin woodlands? What the fuck are you talking about? You know, when the zombies come and we're, like, traveling, and you just be like, hey, Red Band, do you have any more bacon or something? Red Band's like, that's literally all I have is bacon.

1:07:34Brian Redban:Fast sums of bacon. Have you guys communicated with these walkie-talkies? A little. Yeah. What the fuck? A little walkie-talkie. Wow, what are you guys talkie-ing about? uh like hey we don't i mean we were in the same room when we did it wow truth comes out this is what i'm talking about a good honest interview it's so much easier than people think both parts really the stand up be real that's what we tell everybody the interview answer honestly it's such a testament the difference between people trying to blow up their answers and just being real. It's so funny picturing you two in the same room like can you hear me?

1:08:23Brian Redban:What did you guys talkie about? It was at the secret show every Thursday and yeah we were just like hey you're gay, I'm gay, we're all gay. Yep, that sounds about right. Yep, sounds about right. Well, ladies and gentlemen, Hans you've done it again. An amazing minute and an unbelievably compelling interview. One of the biggest legends in the history of the show. He is at Madison Square Garden on August 15th. One more time for Hans Kim, everybody. Ooh la la. From walkie-talkie to the mighty Heidi. Wow. Oh, God. Ladies and gentlemen, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Chris Cilio.

1:09:11Brian Redban:Chris Cilio. Oh, shit. All right.

1:09:22Fuck, I hope this is real.

1:09:36What a hilarious prank that would be. Chris, it's your big prank. It's Kill Tony. It's an empty warehouse. nobody's here

1:09:51oh shit all I did before I went blind was jerk off and play video games and then God was like that's enough

1:10:04yeah

1:10:09I give you a gift and you wasted it son I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret I'd do it all again tomorrow I wouldn't have changed a goddamn thing, dude Give it up for my roommate for bringing me out here, dude

1:10:27He's a way better roommate My last roommate sucked He just didn't really care about personal space He would always hang out in my room Yeah So every time I'd go to jerk off I'd have to be like, hello?

1:10:51Is anyone there? Which, by the way, if you ever hear me say, hello, is anyone there? You have about 30 seconds before I start jerking off. Thank you. Wow.

1:11:10You should say something, all right? Or else it's on you, not me. I don't want to hear about it in the papers later. The guy who kind of looks like Louis C.K. does exactly what Louis C.K. did.

1:11:27Brian Redban:Chris Celio. Can I cut you off? I'm the other way, buddy. I'm over here. Shit. Shit. Fuck. Unbelievable set. Unbelievable set. Yes!

1:11:45Brian Redban:Wow. Incredible, Chris. I find it all so amazing. I can't believe that you think you look like Louis C.K.

1:12:01Brian Redban:More like Louis can't C.K.

1:12:09Brian Redban:I loved every single thing about what happened here with you tonight. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Ten years. Ten years. Holy shit. Where are you from? Miami. You still live in Miami? I just moved here. Wow, congratulations. How recently did you move here? Two weeks. Is this your first time signing up for the show? No, no, I've been here every week till you got me. So two weeks? yeah yeah wow amazing i love it i love it chris how old are you uh 29 29 so you started at 19 yes sir and when did you go blind about six months before that really you went blind at 19 i was 18 yeah yeah and so what exactly happened i had a like a fuckload of like retinal detachments which is something that usually UFC fighters get.

1:13:02But to me, it was a small Chinese boy.

1:13:07Brian Redban:Wait, what does that mean? A small Chinese boy sucked your eyeballs out of here? What happened? My friend in high school was just fucking with me and tossed his high school transcripts at me. Just an envelope full of papers nailed me in the eye. Next day, I was blind. I already had lost one eye before that. and we're still friends, guys. Relax, all right? Okay. He drives me around sometimes. Wow. That's more dangerous than anything.

1:13:40Brian Redban:You're probably the better driver out of the two of you. This is incredible because you lost an eye before that. How did you lose the eye before that? Same thing, just a bunch of retinal detachments but I was like, this one's going good. Nothing's going to stop me on this one eye. And then he threw that. His bright future sealed mine. Wow. Is it thyroid issues? No, no. The retina is in your eye. It's the thing that... From thyroid that happens. Thyroid disease. No, no. Our senior health correspondent, Brian Redband, taking a chance, trying to relate thyroid issues to retinal detachments. He's who you look like, by the way.

1:14:23Brian Redban:Not Louis C.K. But the joke still works. Chris, so, you know, blind at 18. So have you, like, had a real job or anything? What do blind guys kind of do? I had a job for a while. Wasn't that good at it. What was it? I worked in, like, an office at a non-profit for a while. Race car driver. I was a crane operator.

1:14:54dude i worked at a non-profit where they help people find jobs and they couldn't fire me yeah right as bad as i was they were like nah we'll just let him you probably couldn't find your cane how could you find someone's job incredible chris so what else what else do you do like what are your hobbies what are you into i like to go to music festivals and do drugs

1:15:18Brian Redban:Oh, fuck yeah. Absolutely. Incredible. What's the most fun you've ever had at a music festival? What are your favorite drugs? All of them. Okay, hell yeah. Preferably at once. Acid mushrooms. Everything that somebody has told me will make me see something, I've put in my mouth. Yep. Amazing. Amazing.

1:15:48Brian Redban:What exactly do you see when that stuff happens? Like, I mean, I'd imagine that you still see stuff in your dreams. Am I right? I can still see in my dreams. Yeah, yeah. And it's completely black other than that? Other than that, yeah. Even on all the psychedelics, like, it's great. I love psychedelics. It feels like all of my senses are turned up to 11, except for sight that's still on zero. You know, like, it does, I don't get any visuals with psychedelics. Yeah. You don't get visuals on psychedelics? No, no. I've done all of them. Wow. Incredible. How about Love Life? Have you ever been on any blind dates?

1:16:28Brian Redban:So stupid. So stupid. But when in Rome... When in Rome...

1:16:38Brian Redban:By the way, may I say, D Madness, I've never seen a more on the edge of his seat during an interview. It's the first time he's ever been genuinely interested in anybody in the last 250 episodes of this show. Clearly biased. They told me to tap him up. I was like, I don't know where he is. It is incredible. Chris Cilio. So, what's it like? Do you date a blind guy? how does it work uh it's tough you know like uh i'm on the apps you know my bio just says blind comics see the possibilities love it and i swipe right on everybody hell yeah has it worked like uh have you it's like give us an example of what going on a date with you is like i find this all so intriguing i had a girl take me to an art exhibit what a bitch

1:17:41really she just tried really hard to describe things to me that i couldn't care about

1:17:51Brian Redban:god that is so fucking funny it's crazy wow my goodness uh so what else chris what like what are your like uh now that you're here in Austin, what are your goals? What do you want? To do this, man. I want to do this here.

1:18:14When I first went blind, I had always wanted to be a comic, even before I went blind, but I kind of forgot about that when just doing a bunch of surgeries and things like that. But when I went blind, I was just sitting at home in the dark, listening to Kill Tony and shit. So ever since then, I wanted to fucking do this. This is a huge moment.

1:18:41OG belly room kill Tony, dude.

1:18:43Brian Redban:Say that again? OG belly room kill Tony. Wow. Amazing. Well, Chris, it has come full circle for you, my friend. Even though the lineup is out of control nowadays, so many fucking talented regulars and people in the rotation, I have to say that I want to see more of you, and having you sign up regularly would just be a tremendous hassle for you and for everybody else. So let me be the first and only one that matters to tell you that you are indeed the newest golden ticket winner here on GoTank. Yeah.

1:19:27Brian Redban:Everyone's on their feet, Chris. They're going crazy.

1:19:37Brian Redban:And I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Boom.

1:19:47Brian Redban:There he goes, ladies. Chris, step up to the mic one more time real quick there. How do you feel right now? It's right to your right. Jesus, worst handler ever. What are you blind too, asshole? Jesus Christ. Look at fucking... We saw Tony Pepperoni earlier. Here's fucking Tommy Salami. What the fuck is this guy? Look at this fucking gagoots over here. Holy shit. Chris, how do you feel? Fucking amazing, man. Thank you so much, dude. Absolutely. Welcome to Austin, Texas. You're an amazing talent, and we're looking forward to having you on. And you got a standing ovation. Yeah. Yeah, the place went nuts.

1:20:28Yeah. And that girl in the front row showed her tits.

1:20:32Brian Redban:Yeah. Chris, throw that mic in the mic stand. You're part of the Kill Tony universe. They're gonna get your number and information back there. Congratulations. Another one. The squad continues to grow.

1:20:52Wow, that's so cool. Yeah, that was cool.

1:20:55Brian Redban:You guys having fun out there tonight, huh? Back to the bucket we go. As you see, or can't see, anything can happen here on this show. It goes from funny to compelling to heartfelt to terrible to amazing. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Keegan Carmichael, everybody. Make some noise for Keegan Carmichael.

1:21:31My dad would always tell me, alcohol will never fix anything. Then why did you carry beer in your toolbox? Yeah, you didn't think I noticed. I was doing comedy. Comedy's tough. As a comedian, I haven't gone on the road, but I'm pretty close to being on the street.

1:22:03Hey, I wish a story really did come with two sides, because I would love to read a book with mashed potatoes and coleslaw.

1:22:18Like, hey, what'd you enjoy about Huckleberry Finn? The gravy. Hey, are you hungry? Cool, let's go to the library. All right, thank you.

1:22:35Brian Redban:Keegan Carmichael. Some people are already calling him the...

1:22:48Brian Redban:Keegan, let's just jump right into what literally 100 % of the people in the room are thinking. are you aware that in every single way you're doing a mitch hedberg impression i get reminded every day is that on purpose or like accident is this how you are in real life yeah it's weird like like people dm me like that question like is that how you are yeah i don't i don't know what you want me to tell you so you were like this and that was your sense of humor and then you saw mitch headberg and you're like whoa um what the what are the odds i used to impersonate mitch headberg i still do i mean the look the everything every single thing the delivery the joke style are you a super fan of his no my favorite is actually Dimitri Martin.

1:23:49Brian Redban:Dimitri Martin? Now I know you're kidding. That's literally nobody's favorite. I just love the way he rips the paper off the pippet. Keegan, who are you in real life? What do you really like? I'll just couple of beers in the park and read a book, man.

1:24:17Brian Redban:How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? A little over two years. And has it always been like this? You from Seattle, Portland? Where are you from?

1:24:28Brian Redban:No, I'm from Illinois. Illinois. Yes, sir. Okay. What do you do for work? I door dash on an e-bike. You what? I door dash on an e-bike. Door dash on an e-bike. I hate it when my deliveries are on e-bikes. Yeah. It's always smushed around and fucked up. Believe me, nobody understands that better than me. Yeah. Duncan Trussell.

1:24:57Brian Redban:It is funny. Like, your spirit definitely lives on through him. Not quite as powerful, obviously, as the late, great, super amazing Mitch Hedberg. But, I mean, you do kind of got it down. You wrote those jokes? Yeah. Right. Yeah, no, I know. I was just going to say it's too bad that they don't need Mitch Hedberg impersonators at kids parties because I'm sorry it was funny like 20 seconds ago I think so every time you do a show anywhere you go every time you do stand up all the other comedians are like this fucking guy is doing a Mitch Hedberg impression right? some people went outside the club to like say shit to me.

1:25:47Yeah. Have you seen Mitch Hedberg's stand-up? Yeah, it kind of freaks me out.

1:25:55Brian Redban:How old are you? 31. 31. So when's the first time you saw Mitch Hedberg's stand-up? Were you a big fan of his at one point? Oh, at one point? Oh, I mean, dude, Dimitri Martin was my guy. Again, I hear you. That's funny and all, but seriously. But seriously, we're all witnessing... It is like a Mitch Hedberg impression. Did you always talk like this? Is this how you talk in real life? Yeah, Tony, I don't know what to tell you, man. Okay. Can you do a Christopher Walken impression? Christopher, um... What the fuck? I don't watch movies, man. Keegan, most interesting thing about your life, tell us.

1:26:42Brian Redban:What would we be intrigued to find out about you? 31 years of experience at being Keegan Carmichael. Tell us. I have a cast iron pan.

1:26:56Brian Redban:Do the other part. Go ahead. Oh, no, yeah. It's cool, because you got to take care of it. Like, you have a cast iron pan, you have a responsibility, you know? Like, like, you know? Yeah.

1:27:19Like, a lot of girls now, they're dog moms, you know, not me. I'm the father to a pan.

1:27:36Brian Redban:What else, Keegan? Tell us something else interesting about you. Um, dude, door dashing on the bike, that's a fucked up world.

1:27:52I have trouble sometimes because I fall a lot. Like, I don't like the Texas cheerleaders because I was going really fast and they were on the sidewalk. And so I fell into the ditch, and I'm laying on the ground, and she looks over me, and she's like, is your bike okay? I'm like, no. And then, like, the Lime scooters, they're in the way, too. Well, you know, to me, a Texas cheerleader is like a Lime scooter. I'd probably have to pay to ride you, but I just prefer you get out the way.

1:28:32Brian Redban:Keegan fun times here's a little joke book my friend there he goes Keegan Carmichael

1:28:48Brian Redban:it's kind of like blasphemous what he's doing awful he has good jokes he could just do them different like his own self and seems like literally acting right now. Yeah, and looking like him is kind of crazy too. Anyway, we have any sage? Can we sage the room? Yeah. Never really saged. Never saged the Kill Tony stage before, but that one kind of creeped me out. Yeah. All right. You guys good? Everybody good? This guy's leaving. He's seen enough. This guy's pissed. This guy's pissed off. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. It's Mike Gleason, everyone. Mike Gleason.

1:29:40How's it going? A lot of my friends say that I'm really hard to get gifts for. I don't think it's that hard to hop online and Google things to get for people with yellow teeth.

1:29:57That was an incredibly fake smile. Sorry about that. I'm from Chicago. I'm in the dating scene here, which is pretty good. Took a chick out the other day, which is awesome. Opened up the car door for her, and she's like, look at this. Chivalry's not dead. I'm like, easy, bitch. My door sticks. I gotta climb in first, all right?

1:30:17Chivalry, I don't know if you're cold. The window works just fine. But that's awesome. Really big fan of these Waymos out here you guys got. They're pretty cool. brings back the childhood in me. I used to throw snowballs at cars, which is pretty fun. But now I feel like you could just throw anything at these things and you're feeding all these vegans that are hanging out in the streets doing yoga poses and stuff. Alright, that's it.

1:30:46Brian Redban:Okay, Mike Gleason. Fuck yeah. Welcome, Mike. How long have you been on stand-up? It's kind of weird. I started in 2001 and then I kind of quit. and I really like the show so I kind of moved out here and kind of restarted it. Nice. How long ago did you move to Austin? On Easter, 420. 420. Perfect. Fuck yeah, dude.

1:31:09Brian Redban:What do you do for work? I haven't found a job yet. Okay. What's your plan? What are you good at? Stealing catalytic converters. No. Where are you from? Where were you at before? Chicago. Chicago. Construction. This is what construction guys look like in Chicago? I guess. Yeah. Have you looked for a job in construction here? I have, yeah. How's it going? Not bad. I kind of actually turned down a few jobs, which is weird, but I just wasn't catching a vibe. Okay. How much money do you have saved up? Quite a bit. Like what? A lot that I don't want my poor friends to reach out to me.

1:31:57I mean, do you really need a number? It's not a lot anymore, but it was enough to get me out here. I'm doing the Hans Kim thing, living in a trailer.

1:32:07Brian Redban:Nice. Nice. You have a bed in it? Yeah. Like a little bed? I got a purple bed. Nice. Look at that. Very good. You're doing good. Purple. You're doing good. Okay. So what do you do for fun, Mike, when you're not doing stand-up? I like the frisbee golf. people watch is a huge thing for me yeah people watching is fun again yeah fentanyl's out trump stopped fentanyl crack is back people watching is more exciting than ever there was nothing fun about that fentanyl phase that we went through under the biden administration and now crack is back thanks to the reigning defending president of the united states donald trump and 300 people just shut the show off right then.

1:32:54Brian Redban:I don't know if you guys heard that, but that's what they do because they literally can't hear that without losing their mentally ill minds. Mike Gleason, tell us what the most interesting thing about your entire life is. It's our first time meeting you. Might as well spill the beans. I'm an overshare. I like to overshare. Why don't you start right now then?

1:33:17Yeah, alright. Fuck it. How I got my money. uh i worked for tesla and got the shit kicked out of me uh for actually being the only one there who knew how to do shit uh they like hired everybody out like i dude i mean i would not buy a tesla or any of their products they're horseshit i know sorry oh wow you don't want to hear that but engineer shit or what kind of dude it was like i was the only roofer there and there was not a

1:33:48Brian Redban:pitchfork in sight and i was like what's going on you were a roofer yeah solar roof i did okay solar like red man are you at my house no but do you know what i'm talking about or do you ever yeah he has a solar roof he makes money off of it yeah i sell it back but yeah i i could tell what you're i know what you're talking about yeah it's like that we were doing jobs and they were like they didn't like check out where the sun went and then we we put it on and there was like a huge house behind it and it's blocking all the sun so we went back like eight times and they're like yeah no it's definitely the install and i'm like no it's the guy who designed it like there's a huge house blocking the sun okay yeah so so i got a lot of money from him because there was a dude there who also did cedar shake roof beat the ever-living shit out of me like i was with my hands up like i'm 40 years old i like this job i don't want to i don't want to lose it you know like beat you up he beat the crap out of me like punched punched you in the face kicked you in the ribs the whole thing the whole thing dude he took my helmet off and smashed it off like if you get my phone i think i have my like you could read what like tesla sent me everything that all the dudes wrote and it was hilarious like they're like he was a and a pussy and all this shit and then he they slammed the helmet off of my head like everything that this guy said he kept saying solar panels need sun well i was getting suggested getting shut down all the time and they beat the shit out of you no one guy did but you made a bunch of money because of that well I fucked up my hand in the fall and then like I don't know the chick who did the surgery left some metal in there I was like Wolverine for a little bit and then they took three bones out so like the settlement I got a hefty chunk of change a hefty chunk of change how much again just can I tell you how much is left Yeah.

1:35:42Brian Redban:It's probably funnier. Sure. Like 20 bucks. Okay. I'm buying leather jackets. It's in the middle of the summer. Like, I'm not spending well. Wow. You had a female surgeon? Yeah. And she left a medal in her hand? She was pregnant, too. Pregnant chicks hate me. Sorry to interrupt you. Why do pregnant chicks hate you? I don't know. They just smell my, like, singleness and never settle down. I don't know. They just hate me. All right. Pregnant chicks hate me. My co-workers hate me. The sun hates me.

1:36:24Brian Redban:You ever think it might be you, Mike? Could be, yes. Could be. All right. Any crazy accomplishments? You ever win a trophy for anything? Yeah. I used to be a good swimmer. Oh. First place work.

1:36:48Brian Redban:Fun times, Mike. Sign up again. We'll see you again. Mike Gleason, everybody. Oh, shit. Oh, that's his fucked up hand. He really does have a fucked up hand. I saw the book bounce off of it. Right off the steel plate. One more time for Mike Gleason, everybody. All right. We're coming around the corner here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're going to keep it moving along. It's Derek Spadey, everybody. Derek Spadey.

1:37:21I recently dated a girl with an ego so big that she would yell out her own name in bed. It used to mess with me because it wasn't a very feminine name. Like, who names their daughter Rape?

1:37:34Let's get to some personal stuff. When I was six years old, I told my parents, I figured out that I was adopted. My mom was like, who told you? I was like, who told me? My sister's Asian. What am I, one of the slow kids? Even at age six, you know two whites don't make a wong.

1:37:51And then after the divorce, they just like gave up on parenting. Like, I don't know how to do anything right. I kill so many houseplants, I call my home Plant Parenthood. If it hasn't been three months and I don't like the name, I'm yanking it out of that pot. Speaking of which, my girlfriend thinks I don't want plants because she caught me throwing seeds away in the shower one time. This isn't true. I love plants. I want plants very much. And I would love my plants, no matter what. Even if they turn out to be transplants.

1:38:18Brian Redban:All right, you guys have been great. I appreciate you. Derek Spady. Hi, Derek. Hi. You been on this show before? No, not before. Okay. You just look like everybody that's been on this show before. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five years. Five years. You from here? No, I'm from Portland, Oregon. Portland, Oregon. Okay, there it is. I felt Portland Energies earlier, and this is why I felt it, because you were coming up. Okay. How long have you lived here? So I'm here for about a month just doing stand-up. I got an Airbnb. Nice. Just visiting. Is this your first week signing up?

1:38:50Brian Redban:Yeah. Look at you, you lucky fuck. I know. Amazing. Odds were 1 in 300, and you nailed it. Are you often lucky in life? No. Right. What do you do for work? So I worked at a Kroger for the last five years, and now I'm just taking time off because I saved my money. Kroger shout out this episode. Absolutely incredible. It's almost as good as HEB. When I got down here, I was pretty blown away. You be careful. You be careful what you say. We were raised around Kroger's. We know Kroger's. Kroger's not really that close to HEB. Have you been to an HEB since being here? Yeah. What, one? Three. Three? Yeah.

1:39:23Brian Redban:And what types of things did you get from HEB? The produce is better than the produce I've had in Oregon, which you wouldn't expect. No doubt. It's out of this world. Did you try anything from the deli meats, perhaps? No, not yet. Did you try any of the prepared things, like the fully stuffed jalapeno pepper? No. Tios? No. Nothing at all? Well, that's where you will find that there is a complete, complete whole different universe, un-Kroger-like materials at HEB. The more you try it, the more you take chances, you will find HEB reigns supreme. Around here, we like to say, you down with HEB? Yeah, you know me.

1:39:59Brian Redban:Nobody's ever said that before, but I said it right now. In the Pacific Northwest, the Kroger's are Fred Meyers. It's not exactly the same as the Kroger's where you're from. So that's probably the difference that you're seeing. Okay. Okay. Well, you got the crowd riled up right now. One thing you don't want to do is any anti-HEB rant in this room. You're going to need Hans' bulletproof vest to keep it up. What do you do for work? So like I said, I worked at Kroger's, and then now I'm not. What were you doing there? Stocking shelves? No, I managed one of the departments, the Hobbit department. The what department?

1:40:30It's like the cosmetics, the shampoo, all that kind of stuff.

1:40:32Brian Redban:Ew.

1:40:35Brian Redban:Worst part of a grocery store. No doubt about it. I hope you guys never stop talking about grocery stores. Well, I'll tell you. Heard of Meyers. You don't like grocery store talk, Duncan? You have a whole family? No, I love it. Everyone loves it. Everyone loves grocery store talk. What's your favorite aisle?

1:41:01Brian Redban:Look at you two fucking grocery store hating ass guests I have here tonight. I hate them. I hate H-E-B. I hate it. Duncan? Oh, yeah. Duncan? Fuck H-E-B. Worst grocery store ever. Acme. Acme. All right. For those of you just listening to the podcast, Ian and Duncan were brutally shot live in the room. Luckily, it was by Chris Cilio and D Madness who hit the ceiling multiple times and Duncan and Ian ran out of the room. All right. Derek, most interesting thing about your life that's ever happened or that you've ever done that we would find compelling here, the millions and millions of people watching right now?

1:41:49I've won a couple film festivals for claymations.

1:41:51Brian Redban:Ooh. Wow, claymation. What types of things were you making out of clay? So I do, like, a tavern that has, like, mobsters and monsters, and I had a bunch of short sketches that did okay. Very nice. Where can we find this work at? If you YouTube Bad Banana Studios or Bad Banana Clay's Tavern, it should pop up. It's been a while since I've posted stuff, but... Bad Banana. Straight to Fat Banana. Very interesting. Very interesting how you spell banana. Banana, according to Red Band, is B-A-N-N-A-N-N-A. for those of you that have your how retarded is red band bingo card out. That is four N's in the word banana.

1:42:36Brian Redban:Ladies and gentlemen, this is who I've worked with side by side every Monday for 12 years. And I have never once shot myself in the head. Anyway, very cool. You must get all the claymation pussy. How's that going for you? I mean, it's so time-consuming. You basically spend all your day in a room. I do have a girlfriend, though, so... Nice. What does she do? She also works at a Kroger. Yeah, what is she... If you work in the cosmetics aisle, I must know, what section of the grocery store does your girlfriend work in? She took over for me when I left. Wow. So she's in cosmetics. Is she still in Portland?

1:43:16Brian Redban:Yes. So you're here and she's in Portland, but it's only for a month. Yeah. Wow. Incredible. What do you miss most about her? Well, so... Her pussy hole, right? The answer... No, I'm kidding. Go ahead. Go ahead.

1:43:36Brian Redban:No, no, she... It's so weird, because it's like a professional job, right? Colbert's out there getting fired. And meanwhile, I'm like, what do you like, her pussy hole? And I'm like thriving. It's crazy, right? It doesn't make any sense. He has...

1:43:56Go ahead. She's really funny. For instance, the other day after we had sex, I was like, man, we should figure out some more activities to do. I'd love to do some art together. And she goes, I thought we just made art. Pretty funny.

1:44:07Brian Redban:Guess he had to be there.

1:44:12Brian Redban:Okay. You had a good set, right? We like Derek. There's a big joke book, Derek Spady. Congratulations. You were on Keltoni. You were here for another month. Sign up again. Congratulations. There he goes. Make some noise for Derek, everyone. And your final bucket poll of the night. Ooh la la. J'meejeejee. Let's go. Wah wah wah. Make some noise for Trent Richards, everybody. Trent Richards.

1:44:50so my wife she's been telling me for a while that i need to watch this gypsy rose documentary and so eventually i finally caved in i watched it if you don't know gypsy she suffered from munch housing by proxy her mom she fabricated a bunch of diseases for her and pretty much kept her imprisoned in her own home. Didn't let her go anywhere. So eventually, Gypsy got tired of it. She went online. She got a little retarded boyfriend. And well, they both ended up going to prison because he stabbed her mom to death to set her free. That story was so crazy to me. It blew my mind because it had me sitting there thinking, 34 years.

1:45:35Well, doesn't Munchausen by proxy meaning pussy from the back.

1:45:49That's my time.

1:45:53Okay.

1:45:54Brian Redban:Trent Richards, a 55 second long setup for one punchline. Hell yeah. Eating pussy from the back. All that information for one little fucking dink. Dink. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up, Trent? Two years. Two years. Where at? Fort Worth. Fort Worth. Would you consider that joke your best joke? Or was that something you're, like, working on recently? No, I've been working on it. That's... I have more jokes, but... The documentary came out eight years ago. Yeah, I know. and every all that information you give it's all just for the pussy eating pussy from the backside thing the payoff is there literally i looked it was 55 seconds you're the that you hit the landing at 56 duncan trussell i was actually very absorbed into your setup i mean that something about you, I don't know, it caught my attention.

1:47:00It's like watching a southern one-person show. Like a really sad one-person show. You know what I mean? Like, it's like an act. He's an actor. Like, you really, like, if there was some nice, like, if he redid that in Red

1:47:18Brian Redban:Band, you played, like, the Civil War soundtrack. It's a good idea. I actually like this idea. Look up some, uh... No, watch this. Watch. Don't even do Give me the punchline. Actually, why don't we have the band play something? You guys have like any, is there a way to do generic like Civil War music? Like the... But you have to do it like, my dear Gypsy Rose. Nice and easy, nice and easy. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is. Do it again, Trent Richards. So my wife...

1:47:50She's been telling me for many years now.

1:47:57that there's this Gypsy Rolls documentary,

1:48:03and that I might just need to sit my white ass on down and give it a view.

1:48:14And so I did. I thought about it.

1:48:22And after some mighty long viewership,

1:48:27Brian Redban:All right, I'm going to stop you there. That was fantastic. Trent, what do you do for work? Deliver groceries. Whoa. What the fuck? Here we go. Billion dollar question coming at you. Billion dollar question coming at you. What kind of groceries do you deliver? H-E-B. Yeah!

1:48:56Brian Redban:Fuck you, Duncan. Fuck you, Duncan. Fuck you, Duncan. Fuck H-E-B. Fuck you, Duncan. Fuck you, man. Son of a bitch. H-E-B sucks. Whoa. Whoa. Still hurts every goddamn time. Wow. Them there fighting words, Duncan. How long you been delivering H-E-B? since I moved to Austin, so about five months. Okay. What's your favorite thing about delivering the H-E-B? The rich people in Westlake. You're goddamn right. Big tippers, right? You're goddamn right. Hell yeah. Absolutely. The booming economy here in Texas. You gotta love it. Craziest order situation that you've ever had. Any odd moments delivering groceries?

1:49:48Brian Redban:You ever get out in Westlake and you end up in one of those gated communities and fucking shit gets a little weird, some dude answers the robe with his fat, throbbing, hard cock hanging out of his robe or something like that. Nah, I had a tranny open the door one time with no clothes on. Wow, that's exactly the type of answer I was looking for. Not in Westlake. That's called a gift. So what did you see exactly? What type of, uh... What type of, uh... What type of junk was there? What'd you see? A dick? So it was like a woman with a dick? Well, if you call it that, but it had a dick.

1:50:29Wow. Amazing. What was the address?

1:50:37Brian Redban:Amazing. I thought you said you deliver H-E-B, not H-I-V. That's incredible. All right, Trent. Well, fun times. We got through it, that's for sure. Here's a little joke book. Sign up again and do a different bit next time. Munchausen by proxy, 55-second setup for one. Eating pussy from the back punchline gets you a little joke book. All right, final bucket pool of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Mars Martian, everybody. Mars Martian. Okay.

1:51:13Yeah, cock-a-doo-doo-doo, maggots.

1:51:20I don't know, I'm feeling cute. I might cum later.

1:51:27Yeah, with a fistful of cocoa butter. In the mirror. All right. I don't know, guys. Anybody ever break a long no-fap streak by beating every side of your dick raw?

1:51:44That's a question for the ladies. I spent 22 days NoFap just so I can Indian burn all the cum out of my body for 45 minutes. I don't know if I'm doing it right, but I defeated NoFap. I don't know.

1:52:04Look like I beat my dick for three and a half miles. I got fucking dick splints. I don't know. It's like I was running a cum gauntlet. Ladies don't know what I'm talking about, but, uh, every lady, uh...

1:52:26Brian Redban:Somehow the most racist moment of the show. A noise by Red Band playing the jungle bird for Mars Martian. That sound is called Jungle Bird before you think I'm dropping a slur. The button is called Jungle Bird. Hi, Mars Martian. You did it again. You've been on the show a few times before. It's always pretty much an absolute embarrassing bomb fest. And yet you've done it again, chuckling your way through a set about completely jerking off. Ian Fidance, our senior jerk-off correspondent. Thank you, Tony. Most of your set was talking about no fat, but most of it made me no laugh

1:53:15Brian Redban:Mars, remind us, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? 25 months, two years, two years plus Okay, and what do you do for work? Oh, God damn it I spend a lot of money financing my comedy career how do you make the money no it was savings now I just do a lot of art stuff I'm just constantly out here with my camera I got a studio at the house I'm just playing make believe okay and where is your brother Diddy Kong right now

1:53:57Brian Redban:new most racist moment of the show the crown weighs heavy for Ian Fidance with the absolute Donkey Kong reference out of nowhere. What's the most racist thing anybody's ever said to you, Mars Martian?

1:54:16There's not... No. Okay. I mean, there's just so many things. There's an array of things I've been called throughout my existence. You know what I mean?

1:54:29Brian Redban:Ah, yeah. You call me something right now, what you got? Oh, I know what I want to call you right now. A Waymo home, am I right? All right, Mars, get out of here. There he goes, Mars Martian, ladies and gentlemen. Completely unbearable. 100 % unbearable. Anybody whose first response to every question is... can burn in hell. It's all cruise control from this point, ladies and gentlemen. and let's face it, an unbelievable episode. It all started with the youthful young legend Heath Cordes. Who can forget the stylings of Tony Pepperoni? We flew through Ian Simon's annoying set. Mark Fitz, the rebel out of Pittsburgh, the curly-toed bandit.

1:55:20Brian Redban:Jimmy Coptero's Hans Kim was with us. The golden ticket was won by Chris Celio tonight. in an unbelievable performance. We literally had a sociopathic young Mitch Hedberg pretending like he didn't know that he was doing a Mitch Hedberg impression. Mike Gleason, Derek Spadey, Trent Richards, and Mars Martian, which means, if I can say there's only one way to end an episode like this. This man, some people say, is Jesus Christ's favorite comedian He recently performed at the Roman Coliseum To a sold out crowd at 3 in the morning Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla The Memphis Strangler The Talk Space Tycoon The Opus of Open Phone.

1:56:23Brian Redban:The Tyrant of Tacobus. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

1:56:41So they announced there was no Epstein list, and for some reason, Red Band started crying tears of joy and screaming, Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we free at last.

1:56:57A woman from Thailand filmed herself having sex with a bunch of Buddhist monks over a three-year period and the blackmailed millions of dollars out of them to keep quiet about it. Bangkok, indeed.

1:57:12Hey, Red Band, remember that boy band 98 Degrees? Yeah, that's 98 more degrees than your dumbass ever got in college.

1:57:25Fucking idiot. Y 'all ever heard of the band Yes? Well, the band Yes is coming to town, and I saw a recent photo of them, and that'll be a no.

1:57:40Brian Redban:Okay, that's my turn. Unbelievable. The man who has done it more than anyone. More minutes. More interviews. the talk space tycoon, the opus of open phone, and the tyrant of Tecovas, the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine, William Montgomery has done it again. Wow. Very impressive. Two deep red band references. 98 degrees. I haven't heard about them in a while. Is that true? That's funny. That was a good one. You have what? Zero degrees, right? It works, right? Didn't you get a degree? I'm like two math classes away. but yeah. Wow. But yeah, I think you dropped out or something.

1:58:20No, I got hired because I was the only one that knew how to make websites back in 96. That sounds made up. That sounds stupid. What? So that's why you failed out of college, you idiot? Because you only knew how to do websites? I don't even know what that means. But Tony, it's really nice to be.

1:58:43Brian Redban:so fun the dynamic between you two i must say uh william so much fun how are you doing i'm doing wonderful and tony i went uh with tony and david and ari to canada this past weekend and it was wonderful it felt like old times it was great tony was so sweet he let me stay on his couch so i didn't have to get a 500 hotel i really did so a little fun fact and again i love the behind the scenes on this episode is uh he was going to share a room with hans i may have mentioned many times that both hans and william are shockingly cheap you're a chain of room i only had to pin my wine's 40 bucks that's not bad for hotel up there wait what i only had to only was gonna cost me 40 to stay with hans yeah that's crazy why I mean again the amount of money you guys are making is criminally insane to not buy your own hotel room but a fun fact is that since we found out that Hans forgot his passport in Denver William started panicking when we got picked up in Canada oh man I don't even have a room I'm like what do you mean you don't have a room he's like I was gonna share a room with Hans and it was under Hans's name I don't know what to do Tony you know the whole thing And then you let me stay on your couch.

2:00:01I thank you for that.

2:00:02Brian Redban:And I did. I got to hear you breathe at one point in the middle of the night. I could hear him breathing. It wasn't a snore. It was more like an open mouth, like...

2:00:15Brian Redban:It was actually quite nice. It helped me fall back asleep. I'm like, oh, that's a sweet noise. White noise. Yeah, it was. It was like white supremacy noise.

2:00:28Brian Redban:So yes, we had a lot of fun, big fun gig in Edmonton, Canada. What stood out to you, William?

2:00:40Brian Redban:Perfect. So what else is going on in your life, William? What have you been doing to pass the time lately? You always have fun hobbies. Still just rowing. I'm up to 874 miles since January. I cannot stop doing that. I'm getting faster. I'm getting stronger. I'm getting more confident on the earth. It's a lot of fun. I see Michael Gonzalez in there all the time. And I also saw our man over here. who's really jacked. You don't remember his name, do you? Do you not know the guitarist's name? John. He's been... Are you talking about John Dees or Matt Muelling? Yeah, John. No, but I was talking about Matt.

2:01:20Brian Redban:Oh, there you go. Why'd you try to make that awkward? I knew your name, Matt. I knew your name. Plus, they stole my thunder. You told them I was really jacked, and we just breezed right over it. Let's see. How jacked are you? Let's see a quick flex, Matt Muelling. Whoa. Wow. Wow. Matt muscles Muelling over here. Absolutely. Tony, I knew Matt's name, dude. You definitely, the record will show. That's awkward, Matt. I knew your name. I know you knew my name. Okay, okay. It definitely seemed like you didn't know his name. I got to let you know. You may have known his name, but it seemed like you didn't know his name.

2:02:02Brian Redban:Why don't you name everybody up here real quick? Why don't we go from this side, this side down? We're going to start over here. So go ahead. The guy's name that you knew was? Matt Muelling. And this is? John Dees. And this, of course, is? And we got D-Mandas. And we know that you know. We got Michael Gonzalez. Yep. And welcome to the hard part. Here we go. Got my man Carlos. You know his last name? What is your last name, Carlos? Well, you can't ask. Okay, okay.

2:02:41And I love both of y 'all, but I can't think of y 'all's names.

2:02:47Seriously, it's nothing personal. I swear to God. Fer. Fer. What are y 'all's names? Fer.

2:02:56Brian Redban:Fernando. Okay, there's some definite cheating going on over there. Just heard the whole name being said. And Raul. Ooh, very good. Wow. Absolutely. Awkward. Good job. Little fun fact, William started sweating, physically sweating during that part. Not during the set. I knew when I got down over there, I was fucked. Yeah. I knew I was fucked. Even though I'm always nice, it's always so sweet to see y 'all. It's not always nice to see y 'all. I could just bat at names and stuff. Yeah, it's okay. We see how you feel about the Latinos. Very good. Very much fun. What else is going on, William? Oh, my gosh.

2:03:39Tony, I was in Toledo last Saturday, and I get picked up, and the flights are all fucked up on Saturday, and then I get picked up by Lyft, and it's an hour drive from the Detroit airport to the comedy club, and about five minutes into it, the guy starts doing this little cough, and I start thinking, oh, my gosh. this guy's sick, but I don't think too much of it. I'm just generally stressed. About 20 minutes later, I'm looking at the guy, and his head is bobbing down like he's falling asleep. Oh, my God. And about 10 minutes after that, we're right beside an 18-wheeler, and I see the guy's head going down, and I see my eyes flash before my eyes, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, well, hopefully you can take a nap after this.

2:04:15It looks like you're sleepy. He's like, yeah, I've been doing it since 4 a.m., so I'm tired. But I've made it. Wow. Wow.

2:04:29Brian Redban:If you would have crashed in that situation and died What would you have thought? What would have been your first words? To Jesus up at the gate? Yes, when you got to heaven, tell us. Lord, you knew I believed in your ass I pray to you every night I was pretty sure I was going to go to heaven but I was a little worried just because of things that I do in my life. I'm generally pretty good Look up at the light, you're talking to God But thank you so much, Jesus, again. You heard my prayers every night. You helped me out. I'm so happy to be here. Let's go in. Show me around. Let me see where I'm living.

2:05:09Hopefully it's a cool spot or whatever. But thanks so much. So happy to be here.

2:05:20Brian Redban:I was going to be God, but let's just skip ahead. And Duncan, I'm with you, dude. I can't fucking stand H-E-B. I never... Thank you! I want to rangle H-E-B. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a second. Hold on. I'm getting word. I'm getting word that if you would have crashed, you actually would have ended up in hell. So... Yeah, yeah. So go back to the light, and now you're burning in hell, but Jesus is like, hey, do you want to... The red spot. How about a hand for Kino back there on the lights? We've never even seen a red spotlight before. Didn't know it was possible. Okay, now you have to negotiate.

2:06:02Brian Redban:You're begging the devil to let you out. No, it's the devil now. You're trying to convince the devil that you want to get out of hell. Devil, here's the deal. I grew up going to church. I'm confirmed in the Episcopal Church. I prayed every night. You can ask Jesus about it. I talked to his ass every night. This is a horrible mistake. I get it. your actions are louder than your words and that's always what I was worried about because I'd pray a lot but then I'd think uh oh you're doing this bad stuff on the side Jesus can see everything so here I am and I'm just saying this is a giant mistake please get me up out of here I need to get out of here now I'm not staying here unfortunately when you were on earth you talked shit about the H-E-B so you must stay here and burn forever

2:07:01Brian Redban:if you did find out that you were going to eternally burn in hell would you ever stop trying to beg your way i don't think i'd ever stop trying to get william montgomery ladies and gentlemen has done it again. Talk space, open phone, the tyrants of Tecovas. DuncanTrustle.com. He's going everywhere. Columbus, Orlando. Make some noise for our guests. Ian Fidance is on tour. IanFidance.com. And IanFidanceComedy on YouTube. He's going to Chicago, Irvine, Oxnard. He's iAnimal69. Again, one more time for Duncan Trustle as well. Talk space, open, Vonticova's. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebeld is in, and it is absolutely unbelievable.

2:07:47Brian Redban:Just a reminder, the band's playing New York City Blue Note right after the Madison Square Garden shows August 18th on that Monday night. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, Timmy, no breaks. After only two appearances has left such a mark on the show that Chris is already drawing them. Incredible. I'm at Madison Square Garden August 15th. Read the night before we do Kill Tony. at Madison Square Garden, Columbus, August 29th, Baltimore, September 12th, Fort Lauderdale, September 19th, Raleigh, September 20th, and Phoenix, September 27th. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

2:08:24Brian Redban:Right, Dan? Check out the Sunset Strip, ATX.com, secret show every Thursday. We love you all. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you. Good night. Thank you.

2:09:01The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:09:39Thank you.