#731 - MATT MCCUSKER + SHANE GILLIS

19:32Brian Redban:Sir, what is your name? Uh, my name is Dean. Dean. Hell yeah. Well, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. The crowd is doing their own thing. Let's see if he actually, did you fix it? I feel it. I did, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Dean! Wow. Unbelievable. Dean, tell us about it. What was the issue? Yeah, so the issue was you guys tripped the smoke alarm with your smoke machines. Oh! It was the haze. The new upgrade to the cameras. A little bit of haze. A little bit, a little bit. So how do we avoid that in the future, Dean? Truthfully, if you're using smoke machines, probably not. Okay, can't do it. All right, let's reset the cameras.

20:22Brian Redban:Recalibrate the cameras to zero haze. I'm your biggest fan. There you go. Thank you. No, I'm your show. Your show. This is awesome. So, Dean, how long have you been working in AC? About eight years. Eight years. Wow, you're very good at what you do. I noticed that it wasn't long that you were here. You came here about five to ten minutes before the show started. You were able to figure it out. Eight years in the game. What's your love life like, Dean? I'm married.

20:54I'm married. Nice. Hell yeah. She must be a very lucky, cold woman. It is pretty cold in my house. Yeah, hell yeah.

21:04Brian Redban:Well, Dean, have you ever thought about trying stand-up comedy? Do you like comedy? No, I'm about to have a fucking heart attack. I love it. I love it. Well, we were all about to have heat stroke before you came around, so now we're even, Stevens. Dean, thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Make some noise for Dean. Dean, Dean, Dean.

21:29Brian Redban:Wow, what a special episode. 82.8 degrees, for those of you wondering. We're hoping that goes down at some point. Dean, why don't you stick around until this thing starts to lower? Yeah. You might want to delete that first guy. He'll be fine. Shout out to Airco Air Conditioning coming in and doing their job. I think that's a great plug for them. Airco, here in Austin, Texas, the trusted air conditioning associates of Kill Tony and the Comedy Mothership. Wow. We'll see. There's a plug. It better work. God, I hope Dean doesn't get fired. No, he won't. A free ad for Airco. HVAC. You can get Airco yourself just by going to airco.com, I'm guessing.

22:25Brian Redban:I'm hoping here. Yeah. It's plumbing, heating, and AC. It's the website. Well. Any... There we go. Airco. Yeah, go to aircomechanical.com. Get yourself some AC. Alright. Just saved Dean's job, everybody. It's about a $30 ,000 ad read right there. It's open 24 hours. Call them. 512-537-1234. Based out of Round Rock, Texas. 40 years in the business. Airco. Air conditioning, electrical, and plumbing. Five stars. Alright. Your next bucket pull is a one word name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Paul. Paul.

23:18Islamic terrorism.

23:26I don't get it. 72 virgins? I don't even get out of bed for less than 100 virgins wow I thought this would be easier

23:46I was so nervous this is my first time I was so nervous backstage even after I rubbed a couple out that's right I'm an assassin I usually don't bring this up but my family and I hunt vampires? No, we are not Van Helsines. You're not knee-deep in vampires right now because of one family.

24:14I apologize.

24:21Hey, Tits, you want a small joke book? Hey, T-Bone.

24:24Brian Redban:All right, Paul, everybody. Very good, Paul. So clearly a fan of the show. You chose to sign. This is truly your first time? First time, yeah. What made you want to do it like this? What made you want to pick tonight?

24:41Actually, I got injured last year. And I... Fuck.

24:49And I had to have surgery and it was off work and I wrote a screenplay. And I wrote a screenplay for William Montgomery. Okay. I thought if the set was good enough. Well, if this was a taste. We need more. Can I get the elevator pitch? Yeah. Let's hear the movie. What's the screenplay? Not the synopsis, the elevator pitch? Elevator, please. Okay. Shaquille O 'Neal and Charles Barkley play...

25:19Brian Redban:Fully. The way you said Shaq Keel had me. I mean, really convinced. I was thinking about saying Shaq. I bored him. Right. With his full name. They used to be partners. They were private investigators. But they had a falling out 15 years ago. They hate each other. And they find out their kids kept in touch and they're going to get married. They have a fight. They lose the ring. And then they got to chase these bikers all across the country to find the ring. They don't want to have the wedding. But they don't want to let their kids down. Have you considered having them play aliens and basketball?

25:56So this is like Wild Hogs. with NBA tonight. Yes. Wild hogs, Midnight Run. Needs NBA, yeah, yeah, yeah. But those are tough gets. They're phenomenal together. They're...

26:08Brian Redban:Yeah, there's no doubt. We're missing out. So what was the job that you had before all of this? I'm a construction worker. And you got injured on a construction site? No, I was helping someone move and... A total separate injury. Yeah. Was it a back injury? No, I snapped my distal bicep tendon so I had to get surgery. What the fuck were you carrying? I was in the wrong position. It was a TV. I was just in the wrong position. A flat screen? Yeah, they're light these days. It was a plasma, and if you know anything about it, it's huge fucking plasma. I gotta brush up on Newtonian physics. I didn't know how much the plasma weighed.

26:45Brian Redban:My bad. Oh, my God. It's insane. So, let's just take one second here to talk about the minute of comedy that you prepared. Islamic terrorists. Ha-ha. 72 virgins. I don't get out of bed for less than 100 virgins. What the fuck are you talking about? What do you mean by that? Yeah, what don't you get about it? It's a fucking classic. It's a classic, dude. Just out of curiosity, last question. What is William's character in this movie that features Charles Barkley and Shaq Keel O 'Neal? He is a homeless wanderer But we find out he's a fugitive But Shaq and Chuck get mugged Oh, you call him Chuck now Wow, you're so close with him No, no, he's fine with that They get mugged And they have to enlist William to help them Finish their mission There you go, very good Here's a little joke book There you go There goes Paul, everybody Good luck, Paul Paul, what's your last name?

27:53What is it?

27:55Brian Redban:Alright. There goes Paul, everybody. Wanna have that one? Whoa! The lovely Heidi has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Delicious. Bud Light. Alright, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Michael Scott, everyone. Michael Scott. Ooh, we're down to 81.9 degrees.

28:24Hey. I know what I look like. I know what I sound like. I hear it too, guys. I got the vibe of, uh, I just got cast as Donatello in Tyler Perry's new Ninja Turtles movie. Yeah, he's the tech guy. I get it. I'm a weird kid. I was a weird kid. I had a lot of animals. I had, uh, I started off with two rabbits. I ended up with 14. That being said, I've seen rabbits fuck a lot, guys. It's pretty crazy. It's like one rabbit minding his own business. That was my white one. Then my black one would come hopping along, mount it, fiercely fuck it for about 10 seconds, and then everyone takes off running.

29:08My question, guys, why does rabbit sex only last 10 seconds? Is it evolution? Or is rabbit pussy just as good as I think it is?

29:27Brian Redban:Hell yes, Michael Scott.

29:34Wow.

29:35Brian Redban:Is this true? You have that many rabbits? No. Well, technically I had guinea pigs, but rabbits fuck like crazy, so it's funnier. You know what I mean. Wow. Wow. Guinea pigs appears to be the magical word combination of the day. Really? It's been used by two out of three bucket pools in an unprecedented anomaly. So, Michael, how long have you been on stand-up? Eight years. Eight years. Where at? Fresno, California. Bakersfield, California. Wow. Is that where you still live? No. I'm out here. Yeah, I've been here since December 30th of last year. Nice. Awesome. What do you do for work? I work valet at Hotel Ella, and I just got a new job two months ago at Benefast.

30:19I deliver construction equipment to sites.

30:22Brian Redban:Awesome. Yeah. Absolutely incredible, Michael Scott. What do you do for fun? I used to train MMA. I play poker, watch movies, video games. I got cats. How many cats do you have? Three. Three cats? What are their names? Whiskey, waffles, those are my two girls, and I got Tanuki, he's the boy. Yes, bro. How's cat pussy? Everything I dreamed of. It's incredible. How many guinea pigs did you have at the post? Yeah, 14. You had 14 guinea pigs? I started with two, and they just kept fucking... It got to the point where I was selling them back to the pet store. Wow. Yeah. Just a bunch of inbred, angry guinea pigs.

31:09Yeah. incredible. How old were you when you had these guinea pigs? Twelve fish. So you were living with your parents? Oh yeah. What were they saying about all the guinea pigs? They...

31:24Brian Redban:You better get the motherfucking guinea... Alright. Now what did they say? The police are on their way. I saw an opportunity. Everybody relax. Guys, relax. these motherfucking guinea pigs man you fucking bedroom be stinking Michael it did it did stink this is what they said right did they kind of sound like that or did they speak perfect perfect American English like you my mom yeah oh yeah she sounds like me just not like a guy perfect Northern California blacks So you had, how many of those guinea pigs were in your room at once? All of them. So you did have, so you had 14 in your room. Yeah.

32:13And you were jacking off in there in front of 14 guinea pigs. How many times did you jack off in front of 14 guinea pigs? A lot. That's so many times. I perform better in front of a crowd. What can I say? You could hear them. You had to be able to hear them while you were jacking off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, whiskey, be quiet. Yeah. Michael Scott's trying to jack off around here. My mom accidentally killed four of them once, though. How did she do that? She's not going to like that.

32:48Brian Redban:She's going to be much madder at my impression of her. I think you're right. I was at school one day, and I had them in three separate cages. And she took one of the cages, because she said it was a hot day. So she wanted to give them some air. So she took the cage and put it outside. In the hot sun. She killed them on purpose. Yeah, I think I had three too many. One survived, though. You had a lot of guinea pigs. Yeah. If you were my son, I would have, yeah. Yeah. I would have put those guinea pigs in a bag and... You gotta smack them. That's bad. Stop watching my son jack off. You fucking perverts.

33:29That's why I got them. Behold. Behold. my son. My children. Did you bury the dead? Yeah. Where'd you bury them? Backyard. Nice. Yeah. What type of, you know, did you put up like a monument to them? A shoebox. They weren't even good shoes. They were like pumas too. Yeah. You didn't put anything above ground to commemorate? No. Not around. You mean give a fuck about them? I was a kid. I didn't know tombstones were, you know.

34:05Brian Redban:Right. Right, definitely. The one that survived, did it have any special powers? He was the first one. He started the whole thing. His name was Hammy. Hammy. Hampton J. Guinea Pig. Wow. Wow. What did the J stand for? Jenkins? Oh, Jew. Okay. I love it, Michael. He was Jewish, I don't know. He was Jewish. Were the other hamsters Jewish in this mass genocide?

34:39I ran a guinea pig concentration camp.

34:42Brian Redban:They could not survive the mama cost. Oh, no. Oh, man. Wow. Mama cost. Did she ever explain herself why she really sat? She said it was hot. I thought they needed some air. You know what? Honestly, if there were 14 guinea pigs in this room when I got here tonight, I would have sat four outside in a cage, too. Thank goodness for Dean from Airco Air Conditioning Company. Well, hold on. Let's see. It's still hotter than hell in here. We need to bring Dean back and kill him. Put him outside. Put him in a cage, yeah. Michael, I'd love to have you back on The Secret Show, man. Thank you so much, Brian.

35:20Here's the big joke book, Michael.

35:22Brian Redban:Michael Scott. Fantastic. We are moving along smoothly here. Bucket pool number four. This is definitely a new name, and I'm excited about it. Make some noise for Yoshika Gonzalez. Yoshika Gonzalez. Oh, shit. Okay. One more time for Yoshika, everybody.

35:51Hi. A little bit about me or whatever. I'm having a sale on my OnlyFans yeah so for 30 cents a day you can help a short bitch pay her rent

36:13no I am a sex worker and I figured it's actually better than dating because I usually date white men and that's a fucking pyramid scheme so So they just do weird shit, like lie, first of all, drink Mountain Dew, and prioritize themselves. I'm just too Latina for that, you know? No, you don't. Yeah, I'm too Latina for that, because I'm like sucking dick, you know, washing the dishes. and in return they make me keto fucking pancakes.

37:00Brian Redban:Yoshika Gonzalez. Hell yes. So many questions. Let's begin. One of Mike Scott's guinea pigs survived. Made it all the way down here. Excuse me? No, it's not about you. No, I have a serious question. When you do your sex work, you get picked up in front of the Home Depot.

37:27Just kidding. No, but when you do your sex work, you go to the Home Depot, don't you?

37:33Brian Redban:Whoa. Sounded like a burn. Zero. That's what you get, dude. You come at the fucking, you come at the queen, you best not miss.

37:46Brian Redban:Yoshika Gonzalez. Hell yeah. You are definitely a specific type. Do you... Do you... Is this a condition? Is there a label for this? Racially challenged? No, you look like a tall midget. Oh. You look like a... I'm... Yeah, I don't know. I'm a shorty... They used to be short back in the day in the 60s. I don't know what's going on now. Okay. Okay. Yoshika, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? For a year now. It's my last resort into screenwriting. Oh, you gotta team up with Paul. Yeah, this is wild. The new Farley Brothers. Yeah. This is a special episode. We have two screenwriting references and two guinea pig references.

38:40Brian Redban:and somehow they're all mashing together right here with Yoshika Gonzalez. Yoshika is an interesting name. What does that mean? How do you end up with a Japanese name? I was named after a Japanese film camera, Yoshika. I don't know. You don't know? I don't know. My dad used to say different shit, like a hooker one time. Hey, called a shot.

39:07cashier a book and then then he told the truth i guess 38 cents you said uh 30 30 cents 30 cents a

39:18Brian Redban:day is that real 30 cents is that legal unicef

39:26mathematically yeah i think so okay what do you do on this only fans exactly Um, I...

39:39Brian Redban:Haunt people's laptops. I don't know. I twerk. I do... I do, like, anime costumes and fucking dick-rate guys. Dick-rape? Pick-rate? You've crossed a line. That's too much. Don't do it. Don't you dare. There's a lot. There's a lot. There's a lot. How long have you been on OnlyFans? Since the pandemic, when the strip clubs closed temporarily. So you were a stripper up to the pandemic. What was your stripper name? Easy question. Impossible to forget. There's been a bunch. Jenna was a good one. A lot of people in Austin back in the day. Jenna. Okay. Anything crazy ever happen at the strip club? Any wild stories?

40:35No.

40:36Brian Redban:Okay. Same old, same old. You close with your parents? Not right now, not at the moment. Why do you think you're not close with your parents? I didn't think this was a therapy session. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude. Hey, you're the one with your backstory, lady. I'm just following up here. Do you think your dad subscribes to your OnlyFans? I mean, 30 cents a day. Why wouldn't you check in on your little dar-dar, you know what I mean?

41:14Brian Redban:Okie dokie. It's a real live show, everybody. I don't think so. No. He said he never loved me, never will, never did. Perfect. I think we're good, though. Was this a long time ago or kind of recent? Was this a pandemic? Like two years ago. two years during the pandemic everyone lost their mind during the pandemic it's not a big deal well that's i'm sorry about all that yeah i'm sorry that's all right it's a gigas we're here now yeah somewhere for what it's worth i think you're worth more than 30 cents a day okay yeah definitely how much are you making a month on only fans oh god four dollars and twelve yeah you're killing it and you're making i'm making my rent a thousand bucks oh that's awesome Okay, how do you get everything else?

42:01Brian Redban:How do you pay your bills if you're only making your rent spot on from the monthly OnlyFans? What else are you doing to make money on this side? Me sucky sucky. Okay, Red Band. That is out of control. That is rude. That is out of line, Red Band. I actually don't do oral, but... Sick. Wow.

42:24Brian Redban:Yeah. Extra. That excrevers went off the charts with that one. That explains why the white guys you've been with just lie and drink Mountain Dew all the time. If you want some honest answers, you gotta fucking... No, I sell vintage. I sell vintage clothing. Oh, cool. I'm the markets outside in the heat. I do actual work. I do AV work, too, but, you know, they hire the guys. Ass and vagina.

42:54Is that one of the vintage shirts you're wearing? No, this one, I... I was going to say, it's a cool shirt. Thank you. Yeah. Is it vintage underwear, like your used ones or something that you sell? Redband. Redband. That's... Redband. Try to run a program. Redband. Come on. For 30 cents a day. Let's get back to this side. Yeah, for a penny, you can get her on. 30 cents? I mean, it's$7 a month divided by 30. Oh, okay. All right. I see. A day. Yes. That's how they get you. That is how they get you. Because I subscribed under the table. I said 30 cents. Come on. Add some quick. I'd be losing money not doing it.

43:40I don't get out of bed for 100 cents. What are we talking here?

43:50But you're doing great.

43:52Brian Redban:You're going to be making a lot more money after this, I'm sure. There are a lot of people watching online right now. Any other last pitches for your OnlyFans that you would like to give to the people out there? There's many, many men. Who are you trying to... Trying to help her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's just barely making her rent. Yeah, I mean, I have a wish list, but I just have, like, a printer on there. No one will buy it. I'll get you a fucking printer. Shane's gonna buy her a printer. I promise. Yoshika, here's a little joke book. Okay, I'll try. Ready for it? boom you got it wow

44:30Brian Redban:she caught it you're going that way hey nice to meet you there she goes through where you came yoshika everybody there's heidi yum yum time for another golden ticket winner everybody this young lady won hers maybe a little less than a year ago. She's fantastic. Works here. Works on Kill Tony. Make some noise. A brand new minute from Aya, everybody. It's Aya, everyone.

45:08Some people don't trust Muslims. I get it, whatever. Me, personally, I don't trust Jehovah Witnesses. I feel like some Jehovah Witnesses are just registered. sex offenders who got really, really, really nervous at the last second. Like they were supposed to go out in the neighborhood and tell everyone what they did, which is, it's tough. You know, I molested a child. So, you know, they go, knock, knock, who's there? Have you heard of the child that was touched? by God, Jesus Christ. He's like, why is your parole officer here? It's like, don't worry about that. I don't know, I feel like we treat registered sex offenders so interesting in this country, like we make them live so far from elementary schools, but distance only makes the heart grow fonder.

46:23Brian Redban:Boom. Aya. Fantastic. Great pedophile joke. Okay, thanks. What's up? Hey, guys. How you doing? How's it been going, Aya? It's good. It's kind of warm in here. Yeah. I put on a jacket, so when I take it off, I feel cooler. Oh. Oh, look at that. A little reverse psychology on pure heat. Yeah. Okay. How are you guys? Good. I gotta be honest, this is good. Yeah. Everything going good? Yeah, everything's good. Yesterday, I talked my... Huh? No, no, no. So, yeah, every single person that's come up here is just... Yeah. My dad died, my dad hates me kind of vibe. Yeah, things are bad. Yeah. No, you guys didn't even hear what happened with my dad.

47:13Oh, what happened? Is he good? Die and give you that fucking jacket? Where is he? No. Yesterday, I taught him that you have to boil pasta in water. What was he doing before? He didn't know about that. How was he cooking pasta? He never cooks. He never cooks. He's your dad. He doesn't cook. He just learned. I just taught him yesterday. Okay, so he's alive. That's fine. Yeah, he's alive. Sounds like he's thriving. Sounds like he's still learning. Yeah. Yeah. Learn something new every day. So that's good. Where's he at? Where are you from? I'm from Dallas. Wow. But my family's from Africa. What? Yeah, I'm Moroccan.

47:59Nice. Yeah. Nice. Hell yeah. What was your dad doing with those noodles? Eating. Eating the noodles.

48:08Brian Redban:Just raw, hard noodles? Well, no, I boiled them for him and yesterday he came and he was like, oh, so that's how you do it. He said he's always seen people make pasta, but he never paid attention. He's just been sitting on the floor Indian style.

48:26Yeah. Yeah.

48:29Brian Redban:Incredible. That's good. Amazing, Aya. What else is going on? Anything else crazy? Recently, I had a weird dream the other day. I had a dream that there was this girl and she was really young. She was like 17, 16, and she was like in a trap house. And I didn't know what to tell her to get out of the trap house. So I just told her, girls like you end up fat in their 20s, and she left. I got her out the trap house. Wow. Hey, give it up for her and her dream. Yep. What the fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about?

49:11It's just my life.

49:13Brian Redban:Yep. No doubt about it. It's just the truth. Well, great new minute, Aya. Favorite pedophile joke of the day, without a doubt, so far. One more time for Aya, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. Three ladies in a row. Make some noise to your next comedian. It's Jenny Rodriguez, everyone. Jenny Rodriguez.

49:39I just watched this documentary on Netflix recently. It was about a woman who went to jail after she had sex with a man who the courts had deemed mentally incapacitated. This was a man who was intellectually disabled. And that just goes to show that there's hope for all of you guys here tonight. able-bodied women are having sex with retards I know I am I love him he's my best friend my partner in crime my PIC you guys heard that partner in crime PIC but I'm Mexican so that would make me his SPIC

50:28SPIC it's Texas do you want me to spell that out for you guys we actually just saw the fantastic four movie I gave a hand job during it I guess you could call it a fantastic five that's been my time I've been Jenny Rodriguez

50:48Brian Redban:Jenny Rodriguez welcome to the show Jenny have you been on before I have a couple What did we find out the other times you were on about you? I hate to throw this out here, but I work in a tire shop. Whoa. Hell yeah. Amazing. I'm engaged. That's pretty much it from the last two times. Yeah. What does your man do? What's his name? He works at Jared Jewelers. He's a jeweler. Oh, wow. Oh, we did pro wrestling. That was another thing that we did. I don't remember that. Right now, we just finished clown school, actually. Okay. So that's another... Fucking good choice. Yeah. You learned stuff at clown school?

51:33Did I learn this stuff at clown school?

51:35Brian Redban:No. Did you learn a lot of stuff at clown school? Oh, I really did, actually. I learned how to do, like, balloon animals. Do you have any balloons on you? I wish I did. I literally thought about bringing my skirt, but... Is there anything you could do in the clown world right now if John played some clown music and we gave you a spotlight? One, two, three, four. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Nothing, okay. I need props. Oh, all right. I do a lot of gimmick shit. I do some magic tricks, but I'm not really good. It's all very sleight of hand stuff. What if somebody has a condom? Can you do something with a condom?

52:10Brian Redban:Redband, thank you so much. No, for Maloo. No, yeah, great. Thank you, Redband. Nobody here has a fucking condom, dude. It's not the 80s.

52:24Brian Redban:Jenny. Rodriguez. So how's stand-up been going for you? Stand-up's been going pretty well. The last few months I've been focusing on clown school, ironically. But I've been, you know, hitting mics, going to shows, just trying to do what I can around here. It is a little more difficult, I think, finding a good clique around here compared to where I was last before I moved here. I came from the South Bend area. It's a small bar. Yo, go Irish. Yo. Are you a fan of the Notre Dame fighting Irish? Definitely not, bro. Yeah. Notre Dame, more like Notre-lame. Insane Clown Bossy sucks dick. Football rules.

53:08Brian Redban:I love sports. There you go. Well, Jenny, congratulations. You got picked for another minute. You've been on the show multiple times. There she goes, Jenny Rodriguez, everybody. We're going to keep flying through it. Here we go. On to the next one. It's cooling down We're at 80.4 degrees We are around the corner from the 70s Everybody This next bucket bowl is from the inside Make some noise for Truly Joy Truly Joy from the inside Is that real? Oh wow, the furthest possible fucking seat In the entire venue Literally can't make it up everyone How perfect It's great Awesome You would think we would coordinate this better, that someone signs up and they don't sit in the seat that's 97 seconds away from the front.

54:03Brian Redban:Tire Season 2 out now on Netflix, everybody.

54:10Brian Redban:Madison Square Garden coming up this week. The 15th, we do stand-up. The 16th, we do kill everyone. Tony. Where the fuck is this fucking inside bucket pool? Thanks for truly joy, everyone.

54:28So I have pretty bad luck on dating apps. Like I literally don't get any matches. And I got this buddy who's just bragging about all the matches he has. So one day I was like, let's see him. he's on Grindr and he's got tons of matches that's kind of like a weird flex but then it dawned on me if I was gay a lot of my problems would disappear like I wouldn't be as lonely I would have better fashion sense and I'd be in great shape because you have to be strong to fuck a dude right? it's like fucking a bear and then even jacking off in the mirror would be better like come on guys dial in all right you're jacking off in the mirror and there's a hot dude jacking off to you in the mirror right you start going faster he starts going faster right and then you jack off and you bust a nut and then this dude who's been jacking off to you for 25 minutes bust a nut to you busting a not.

55:40Pretty fucking awesome if you're gay, right? Thank you. Julie Joy, welcome

55:47Brian Redban:back. I like that you say jacking off in the mirror would be better if you were gay, as if you do jack off in the mirror. Have you ever? Fuck no, look at me. I don't want to see this shit. You jack off in the mirror? No, I don't, but I thought 25 minutes is crazy. That is crazy. You gotta milk it, dude. Like, I'm not trying to bust a nut and it not be worth it, dude. Jack it off in the mirror for 25 minutes. Bro, don't knock it until you try it. I will. 25 minutes is what stands out about that material. Do you really extend your jack-off experience for that long? Yeah, when I do jack-off, I definitely milk it, but I try not to.

56:31Brian Redban:When you say milk it, are you implying... It's called edging, guys. You guys are an edge. All right, whatever. I'm fucking weird, okay? So you last 25 minutes with yourself. When I do it, yeah, I try. When you're about to come, what do you picture? What do you mean, dude? Well, you're saying that you're edging, right? So, like, how do you stop yourself? You watch something that turns you on, and then you, like, get ready, and then you just ride that wave until you are ready to bust a nut. And then you plan on killing Bart Simpson. Yeah. And you spend the rest of the night watching out for rakes on the ground.

57:19Or party rock. Whatever. Either one. Either one.

57:24Brian Redban:What do you tend to watch when you're jerking off truly joy? Honestly, I have a pretty vast spank bank. So, like, I just... What are some of the wilder... I got a lot of categories. Yeah, what are some of the weirder things that you're into? I'm into, I like, like, dom-sub stuff. You know? DS. You know about that? I've heard of it. Who's the dom? Are you a dom or a sub? I'm a dom. Whoa. Dude, I'm already subbing out to you right now. This is crazy. Yeah, we're all sitting down in your dominoes, dude. You can't dom us like this while we're sitting down. Bro, sorry. Tony, give him a big notebook right now.

57:59Get rid of this dom daddy. Yeah. what's the craziest thing you've ever done dom wise in real life um picturing you in like a pig

58:12Brian Redban:mask with your hair hanging out and everybody being like well we know who that is i was living in la and i was like going to these parties and it was pretty crazy they were like they're like we're gonna film this and i was like i was like i don't want to be filmed right and they're like put on a mask no one's gonna know who you are and i'm like yeah no one's gonna know the tall ass dude with fucking afro and blue eyes but i just had them filmed behind me but i just had like this girl and they were like had all these toys i like you i like using my own parts and my hands and stuff but uh yeah they had like all these crazy toys so we did that stuff and i was just like i i would find myself like an open-minded person you know you work with your hands yeah i'm working with yeah exactly yeah no that's toy bullshit your hands man how are you doming though like Where was the dom coming?

58:59You got your cheeks? It's like sounding kind of sub. I'm not going to have you. It's like, bro, you tell them what to do. You're in charge, you know? Like, there's some dudes that, like, want the girls to take control and shit. You know? Like, I want to be in control. For sure. I'm in control. Oh, shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't look at that boy like that, dude, ever again. How dare you dom my friend? Bro. You watch out, Shane. I'll don't mute that. Come up here. Don't dom me, dude. I'm coming over there. I can't believe you're not doing good on dating apps. Yo. You're a handsome fella, you know?

59:32Yeah, man. God damn. What do you do for work? I work in AV, freelance. Wow. Mostly, yeah. I never heard everyone saying that.

59:42Brian Redban:Yeah. I've done some catering jobs since I moved here. Okay. Yeah. They make you wear a hairnet? They make me pull my hair back in a ponytail. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, it looks different. It's fucked up. It disappears. I have intense eye contact. Yeah. How about for fun? What do you do for fun? I like going to White Horse. I've been practicing two-step, like, learning. I like Barton Springs. I go there almost every day. Nice. You find anybody at Dom out there? Yeah. A little bit. A little bit. Yeah. Dude, the girls out there are freaky. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Whoa. And what's your love life like? I don't have a girlfriend here, but I have, like, a lover on the East Coast.

1:00:20Brian Redban:You have a lover on the East Coast. Yeah, she's my sub. Jesus. What'd you do? Text her? Bro, you get some, bro. get the out of here yo oh sorry yo what the fuck dude you're so horny and angry what's his name i'm like bro come on now he said what's his name hilarious i mean what's his name what's his name's a classic yeah i have a lover on these what's your sub doing right now uh she's probably sleeping honestly you should wake her up wake up yeah a real dom would wake her up Damn, bro. I'm going to call her after this. No, we're not going to. We're going to keep it moving along. Truly Joy, there he goes.

1:01:03Brian Redban:There goes Truly Joy, everybody. Hell yeah. There he goes, everyone. All right, fist bumps for the Dom, Truly Joy. I thought he was pretty funny up there. All right, this looks like a fun name and a new name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Mighty Mike, everyone. Mighty Mike. Okay. All right.

1:01:31Man, that last comic looked like Khalido from WWE, didn't he?

1:01:38What it's like to be cool? Nah, man. Man, I'm about to quit comedy, man. This shit don't make no money in this motherfucker, man. I'm broke. Man, I'm so broke, man. I can't even be racist with my laundry. That's how broke I am. Thank you. I feel like that's the last white racist activity. White and blacks set apart, buddy. I put the whites first. I'm black. I put the blacks first. Nigga, that's what the fuck. Yeah, man. I'm out here mixing leftovers and shit. I made Jamaican food the other day. Rice and pasta. Call it Rasta, nigga. That's good. Bumble clock. I'm real. Aw, man. Aw. Oh, man. Tricks.

1:02:33Yeah, okay. That's the meow right there. All right. That's a cat? That's pussy?

1:02:38Brian Redban:Okay. All right. Mighty Mike. All right. Slightly having a mental breakdown towards the end of his set there. You got me. That's funny. Mighty Mike, welcome back. You've been on this show before. Yeah, Mike. I was talking to the microphone there. We have mics here in America. With the shots. So what were you saying? Go ahead. No, I said I'm Mike. I'm your baby. Yeah, I put Mighty Mike. That's my stage name. Mighty Mike. I put that on there today. I was on here last time, right? No, I don't know. Shame, man. Respect, bro. I respect you, bro. Never mind. I thought I was. No, you wasn't. You wasn't.

1:03:16Oh, all right. Well, fuck. Maybe I'm racist. Yeah. It was... Maybe I am actually racist. You got up here, I was like, oh, I remember him. Shane Gillis, ladies and gentlemen. I was like, he's very good.

1:03:28Brian Redban:We know. Mike, relax, relax. So tell us what's been going on, Mike. You said you're broke. What do you do for work? Oh, I just got a new job at FedEx. The last time I was at Amazon. Okay. You're just still delivering packages. Still delivering packages, yes. The packages don't talk. The packages don't talk. Yeah. What do you mean by that? I used to be in an office. I used to work in an office and offices, people talk a lot. Now you're driving the truck and you're dropping off the packages. How long you been doing that for? As far as dropping packages off. Again, I started with Amazon. I was like...

1:04:12Got the Amazon thing. We're talking about FedEx. FedEx is like two weeks. So two weeks. No, no, a week, a week, a week, a week.

1:04:18Brian Redban:So how do you do that? Do you have any specific style? Has anything crazy happened yet? No, no. I'm still training right now. A nigga's still training. Okay. Yeah, they still got me training. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. What have you learned so far? Man, you got to put the packages where the white people want them. Because they'll type up that review, man. Next thing you know. All right, you got to keep them right where the black people can still get them. Man, you know what I'm saying? I helped my niggas out. I was in the hood today. I was in the hood today. You know, I help my niggas out. I, you know.

1:04:51Hey, come quick, Brian. Get your shit.

1:04:57Brian Redban:Okie dokie. Mighty Mike, how about for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Man, when I'm done doing stand-up, man, think about how black people could be better. That's what I think about. Same. What have you come up with exactly? Exactly. We've been wondering the same thing. So you go right ahead. Man, you know, I was chilling in my balcony the other day, man, blowing the trees, and I was like, man, the head nod thing that black people do, man, we need to get rid of that. Oh, it's nice. I mean, fuck, we got to speak words, man. Hi. Hi. Hello.

1:05:37Well, if you do it like that, that's going to be a problem. If I was walking by and a black guy was like, hi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that. You got to smile. What's up? I just did, huh? Exactly. The head thing's nice. I am head thing traumatized, man. I am head thing traumatized. You're from Nigeria? I was born and raised in Nigeria, yes. You came here and you're telling the black Americans they're not doing it, right? What? Tell them to pull their pants up. I get it. You know? For me, I pull my pants up.

1:06:11Brian Redban:What else is on your list of how they can do better?

1:06:25Brian Redban:Number two on the list. Number two? Man, pay bills. Wow. Negus could pay bills, bro. For real. For real. Like, when I had a lot of money, I used to pay my bills. I was, like, white man. Just paying my bills on time. Okay. I'm a little... I don't got it like that no more right now, so I'm dodging, too. I'm being black. Right. Juking the bill collectors. Sunrise debt. Who is that? They call me at 6 in the morning every time. Sunrise. Fuck them. I got to tell you, this isn't a racial problem. This is... Yeah. This is a me problem, huh? No, no. Well, yeah. Whoever the individual is, yeah. Okay. We've all been there.

1:07:05Yeah, I'm dodging. I'm dodging debt collectors.

1:07:06Brian Redban:What do you owe money for? What are some of your debts? I know right now I owe Charter, Charter Communications right now, man. I owe them about$300. Who the fuck is that? Yeah, what's that? Charter Communications? Spectrum, Spectrum, my bad. Spectrum. Spectrum, man. Wait, you have cable? Or is that internet? No, internet, man. Man. Come on, don't you know, Matt? Internet, man? Cable. Whoa, that's expensive. Okay. Do you have kids? No, no kids yet, man. Bro. How old are you? I just don't 35. So how do you think you've avoided having kids? Man, my pull-out game real good, man. I ain't gonna lie, bro.

1:07:45Explain to us. What's your method? Bro, I feel the P... Like, when you're about to bust a nut, you get a P feeling. That's the sign that guy give you first. Like, hey. Hey, man, it ain't piss. It's the other one. Just take it out, and you bust. And I listen to that voice, and I'm nut right on her. And that's how I'm able to dodge that shit, bro. Wow. Man, I don't know how niggas miss that P feeling, man. Child support, not me. Do you see, like, a big figure of your father in the sky and James Earl Jones is like, pull out now, sir. Racist. I'm just playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. No, my dad's still around, man.

1:08:25He's still around. He around.

1:08:26Brian Redban:Is he in Nigeria? No, no, no. He here. Where is he exactly? He's in Minnesota. Okay. And what's he doing up in Minnesota? What does a Nigerian do in Minnesota exactly? Like, smallies at the mall in America. Yeah, exactly. He takes walks at the mall. Yeah, he fights Somalis at the Mall of America. Yeah, for real. They be fucking with my dad, man. They all know my dad an OG, man. He speaks Italian, too, so he could talk to the mob. No way. Yes. Wow. And it's true that Nigerians and Somalians don't get along. I mean, I fuck with them, but, you know, when they start picking that, hello, hello, souk, souk, I'm out of there.

1:09:01Whoa, bro. Whoa, souk, souk, what that mean?

1:09:06Brian Redban:What's your least favorite thing about the Somalians? The what? Nothing. Craziest thing you have in your refrigerator, Mighty Mike. You have a refrigerator, right? You have your own fridge? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a fridge. What's the craziest thing we would find if we opened up your refrigerator right now? Some spinach and broccoli. Because a nigga eat healthy. No fried chicken. Wow. Incredible. Does that bring you any other points? Do you get any special powers when you eat the spinach or broccoli? You know, man, I do do in the morning. Okay. Dookie come right on time in the morning. Okie dokie.

1:09:48Brian Redban:All right, Red Band. All right. Fun stuff. There goes Mighty Mike. You already have a big joke book? I already got one. There he goes. On to the next one. Yes, sir. Appreciate you. Thank you, Kilton. Ladies and gentlemen, it has happened. It's been 79.9 degrees, everybody. We've hit it. We are officially in the 70s in this, the hottest episode of Kill Tony ever. Shane's got to pee. Shane's going pee.

1:10:17Brian Redban:Which means I'm just going to bring up your next comedian, make some noise for Shea Phillips, everybody. Shea Phillips. Oh, shit.

1:10:30So I know what y 'all are thinking right now. What the fuck is this fake-ass Kimbo Slice doing up here trying to make me laugh and shit? Supposed to be in the cage, beating the shit out of people. What the fuck? Recently, I've been trying to get back into dating, and I've been kind of struggling. I realize I struggle because I take words a little too literally. Like, I don't like when women call me daddy. Because something deep inside me, something deep in my DNA just makes me want to leave them. I don't know. It's like every time she says, ooh, daddy, I'm like, you know what? We got all the milk.

1:11:08I'll be right back. She's like, you're lactose intolerant. I'm like, shit, man. Would you look at that? I'll get some Newports. I'll be right back. You don't smoke. I'm like, listen, bitch, you're going to be here on draft day, all right? You're going to the NFL. A lot of people give me stupid-ass questions sometimes. They ask me, like, Shaylin, what's your favorite workout? Like, shoulder press? chest press, bench press. I'm like, bitch, I am depressed. The fuck? Why do you... I think I work out so much.

1:11:37Brian Redban:Fuck yeah, Shay Phillips. Welcome to the show, Shay. This is your first time on? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? About three, four years now. Three or four years. Where at? Houston, Texas. Okay, that was what I was going to guess. Yeah. Hell yeah. What do you do for work in Houston? I'm a machinist. Whoa. Okay, what kind of machinery are we talking about? My biceps. Wow. Incredible. But seriously, what kind of machines do you work with? CNC? I don't know. I just press buttons and shit, dog. Okay. Awesome. Sounds professional. As fuck. Hell yeah. And you don't have kids?

1:12:14Brian Redban:No. Not that I know of. You have a girlfriend? Nah. You're just single. Mm-hmm. Running machines. What do you do for fun? I like to lift weights. I like to choke people. I do jiu-jitsu and shit. You do jiu-jitsu? Yeah, man. Wow. Okay. Like eat a lot of food. Yeah? What do you like to eat? Barbecue. Barbecue what? Chicken. Very good. You just won the game, everybody. He got it out of me, motherfucker. Hell yeah. Shay, how often do you come to Austin, Texas to sign up for the show? First time. First time. Look at you. You got lucky. Incredible. Is that one of the dogs? I'm sorry. That is. You remember La Mer?

1:12:56Yeah.

1:12:59Brian Redban:LaMere, you look fucking good, bro. Yeah. You're at a LaMere. This is a la scare. Hey, I'm just saying. This is the last thing you want. LaMere got on some HGH, some TRT. Hell yeah. Okay, Shay. Craziest thing that's happened to you at the gym? Anything ever stand out to you? Any white women ever accuse you of staring at them or something like that? Nah, but I did have an old white lady try to kidnap me one time. Ooh, tell us all about it. Well, I'm at the gym and shit, and she goes, oh well i just need help getting out to my car getting blah blah blah blah and i'm like uh lady i don't work here but instead she started dragging me outside and shit she's like i can't carry this by myself get inside the car motherfucker i'm like hold up bitch you think she was trying to have sex sex with you i think she only pick up a bunch of heavy shit for it i'm like no dog you know yeah you ever heard of june team bitch yeah emancipation proclamation i'm free absolutely what did she want you to pick up for herself yeah she was a fat bitch what you expected oh was she fat yeah yeah shucks that could try to get me that could have been great how old old enough yeah yeah old enough that you would be like old enough for a 401k yeah yeah why'd you hesitate i'm stupid i wanted to keep doing comedy you probably did the right thing I don't know.

1:14:16I could have had a better life, man. Yeah.

1:14:20Brian Redban:Interesting. Shay, what's the craziest thing about your life that we would find interesting about you? Do you ever save anyone's life, accomplish anything? Any big awards or anything like that? Let's see. The craziest thing I ever did in my life, dude. When I was in the military, there was a kid that was trying to walk home. But it turns out that this island, like it floods like crazy and shit. So as the kid's walking, like his face is like, seeing his face out the water and stuff. So I basically had to carry the motherfucker home. At least he didn't drown. Where was this at? The Marshall Islands.

1:14:53Wow. Yeah.

1:14:55Brian Redban:And what exactly, what branch of the military were you in? I was in the Navy. And what did you do exactly in the Navy? I was in the construction forces. I was a mechanic. Okay. Wow. Look at you helping someone else not drown. Absolutely amazing. I had to pass the swim test, dog. Yep. Look at that. Okay, Shay. Three or four years in Houston. Your first time on. Very fun. And here is... Oh, we don't have any mediums. I guess you're getting a big one. There you go. Shay Phillips. Boom. Shay Phillips. Yeah, bro. Oh, shit. I did that one quick, huh? Oops. Hey, look. It's the lovely Heidi. This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN.

1:15:47Brian Redban:We went close there. Yeah. How many people like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Are you sure? They do. Almost everyone's doing bad. Yeah. They like it. It is hot. It is hot. No doubt about it. For those of you watching on the internet, congratulations. This is the episode to be in the air conditioning for. If it was cold, we'd be fucking killing. Yeah. It would be a whole different episode. It's crazy. But, you know, it happens sometimes. Every once in a great, great while. Okay. Awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian.

1:16:43Brian Redban:You guys having fun out there still?

1:16:49Brian Redban:Do we care about how hot it is in the room? Make some noise for Nate Ortiz, everyone. Nate Ortiz.

1:17:03I've been on all the apps lately. I know I've been on Tinder, Bumble, DoorDash. Just looking for love and McNuggets at this point, you know? I'll entertain a Salvadorian man if he's giving me Subway, you know? Just wanna watch SmackDown, dude?

1:17:23I even paid 20 bucks for that Tinder premium to find out the two women I matched with look just like me. Same facial hair and everything. It got to the point I had to ask my buddies for advice. I'm like, hey, man, how do I get better matches? How do I beat this algorithm? They're like, hey, you should start losing some weight, bro. You start to look like a Puerto Rican mom from the back. So I said, wepa, dude. So I updated my Tinder profile. I said from the front, I look like if Hagrid started a Twitch channel. But from the back, dude, looks like I'm washing dishes while I saw it. Also dancing.

1:18:07Brian Redban:Thank you. Nate Ortiz. This is your first time on this show, right? Yes, yes. Yeah, for a very first time. Awesome. How long have you been on stand-up? Five years in Houston. Wow, you're from Houston too, huh? Did you know Shay? I'm sorry? Did you know Shay? I know Shay. We're actually the same weight. Wow. His personal trainer. All right, fuck you guys, dude. It's real. Nate, what do you do for work? I actually just got laid off Saturday. Yeah? Countries in shambles. Yeah. I've noticed that. They found out that I actually wasn't white and I was fully Puerto Rican, and they let me go. Where was this job?

1:18:55I was selling Samsung phones. No, that's a mostly Puerto Rican job.

1:19:04Our clientele is very Middle Eastern, very Nigerian. A lot of haggling. I'm not good with it.

1:19:12Brian Redban:Those old haggling Nigerians. I don't even know how to spell the words, so I just gave them a good deal. You do have the ass of a phone store manager. I'm surprised they let you go. I did work at T-Mobile. That's actually the most Hispanic thing about me. It's crazy. So why exactly did they let you go? Oh, I was very late three times. Why? Why were you late? I did coke till 7 a.m. Ah, there it is. That's why you're shaped like that. Yeah, yeah. The mixture of bad food and cocaine has you shaped like that. I'd say good decisions, but okay. What's the most fun that you've ever had on cocaine until 7 a.m.?

1:19:57Yeah, my cocaine song is actually You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon. And I like listening to it in tighty-whities, but yeah. Yeah, that's awesome.

1:20:08Brian Redban:Yeah, you do cocaine by yourself? Oh, it's the best. I don't have to share it with nobody. Yeah. I've been there, brother. I just lost my job, Tony. I can't... You get home, you go, oh, I still have some left from the party. Now it's time to keep going. Then you jack off in the mirror. that's a good time till like 9 a.m yeah yeah it's too much it's a real negative experience yeah but for a while it's awesome when you're in your underwear dancing to fucking paul simon yeah it's pretty great that's a good time yeah whatever you had a great special on youtube thank you man it's incredible how much you look like an unhealthy version of one of my friends Phillip, can you come down here?

1:20:55Brian Redban:I want to do a side-by-side of you and my friend Phillip. Where's Phillip at? Tony, the cocaine, I actually lost like 60 pounds, dude. So this is the healthiest I've been in years. We're going to do it. Well, incredible. Are you still doing a lot of cocaine? Oh, yeah, I was doing it a lot earlier later. Earlier. Hell, yeah. You need a bump? No, no, I'm good. Permanently good. Do you have a bump? Nope. All right. I don't do it. How do you afford it if you're out of a job? I'm not really a comedian. I do the shows for the pay and the free drink tickets, so that's really it. You got into fucking comedy for the pay?

1:21:38No, I got in for the free drinks, dude. Yeah. Well, you said pay, y 'all, but whatever. Yeah.

1:21:47Brian Redban:Pay. Even for free drinks, it doesn't make sense. Here's a healthy version of yourself. Stand side by side with you. Side by side. Side by side. Keep going up, Phillip. Keep going up. Keep going up. Now stand side by side. Square up to a camera. Look at a camera together. Look at the one on the right over there. Look at that guy. Yeah. See the faces? That's what you could look like if you just ate sushi and didn't do cocaine. Phil, you've been losing a little weight. I have. Yeah, because when you were jumping, you really did look like that guy. I lost 30 pounds, not like 130. Yeah. So you're saying you should do meth.

1:22:22That's the thing. That's actually more expensive. I tried.

1:22:30Brian Redban:So, incredible. Phillip, do you have any advice for him on exactly how to get his life together? Well, I lost like 30 pounds. You need to lose a little bit more than that.

1:22:43Eat healthy. Drink a lot of water. Do less coke. I don't know. Or more. I know Tony I know you saw me hesitate because when you said Phillip I was like is there another Phillip up here?

1:22:57Brian Redban:I don't look anything like this dude Yeah you look exactly like him You have the exact same face Unfortunately he's just so much fatter Only I can see it But yeah you have the same face If something terrible happened and you completely went Lieutenant Dan on yourself this is what you would look like I feel like this sucks for both of you right now Yeah it does Phillip has a new podcast on the Your Mom's House Network. What's that called? The Not a Damn Chance Podcast. Not a Damn Chance Podcast. There you go. There's a free plug. There goes Phillip. And Nate Ortiz. Anything else crazy we should know about you?

1:23:34Brian Redban:You seem like you have a lot of backstory to it. My ex-girlfriend was non-binary. Whoa. What was his name?

1:23:47Brian Redban:We wore the same bra. Oh, yeah, it was great. Was it always non-binary, or did that happen when you were dating it? I didn't know until we were fucking. And then what did you find out? You used the wrong pronoun while you were fucking? She kept calling me brother, you know, like Hulk Hogan. Oh, damn. R.I.P. I was like, wait, what? No, I had a lot of hard times with whatever. because I couldn't figure out words to say during an argument. So I just kept saying shit my dad said. So I was like, hey, calm down, slugger. Yeah. You got that one, champ. You can't call her a bitch. You got to be like, hey, jerk.

1:24:36Brian Redban:The whole thing's so weird to me. Was she non-binary when you started dating her? No, she looked beautiful, dude. and then we got together and then cut all her hair off. And what else changed other than the haircut? Her pits got hairier. And what else changed? Her legs got, everything got hairier. That was, it was not a good experience. And was she on medication at the time? I don't know. Liberalism, I don't know. No, but I liked it because she was the only one to allow me to just face fuck all night, which was really great. What do you mean by that exactly? You mean do cocaine? I put fupa on the chin, Tony.

1:25:23Brian Redban:That was... Oh, fuck me. All right. Well, you know what? You actually did good, so here's a good show. Oh, there you go. just throwing joke books at people tonight. He's bouncing them right off there. Oh, okay, thank you. There he goes. There he goes. All right, another bucket pool. We are back into the 80s. It's 80.2 degrees for those of you paying attention. Somehow it's getting warmer again, everybody. Who likes it hot in here? Okay. Hey, by the way, Dean didn't do shit. Huh? Where the fuck is Dean? Yeah, Dean fucked up. He gave us two degrees less. Yeah Fuck Dean Bring Dean's bitch ass down here Gonna shave his head Give him a crew cut Tell him to start acting right Pulled another name Let's go 60 seconds uninterrupted For Joe Filey Joe Filey Whoa Hey Fuck yeah Mother shit God damn Getting real tired Getting called white trash I like to think I'm like upper middle class trash.

1:26:38You know what I mean? Like, we got some money with the problems. My sister invents her own parties and holidays. Like, she had a skin tone reveal party. If you don't know what that is, it's just she fucked three guys that year and didn't have health insurance, and they all came to the hospital. My dad held the baby up like Lion King style. It was like a skin tone. And it was crazy, because, like, I don't know. It sounds horrible, I'll have to say it, but, like, how good is my sister's pussy? Because, like, as a white guy, you know how good the pussy would have to be for me to go with a black guy and a Mexican guy to the hospital to find out if it's my kid?

1:27:17And then you still stay around and raise the black kid as the white guy? Like, it was crazy. Two days before, I was 12, and two days before, I knew that the baby was going to be black. Because, like, we were in the hospital, and the black guy's like, yo, I need to go get some milk. and left the hospital. Like, they have it here. All right, that's my time. Thank y 'all. Joe Filey.

1:27:46Brian Redban:Good job, Joe. Thank you, thank you. Fuck yeah, thank you. You've been on this show before, am I correct? Or have I just seen you hiding under my bed when I was a kid? I mean, the bed, the bridge, but yeah, this is my third time on here. Hell yeah. Welcome back, Joe. This had to be your best set of them all. For sure. For sure. Yes, absolutely. You've been working hard. Oh, yeah. Working and just not partying as much. Hell yeah. Absolutely. What kind of partying were you doing? There's a lot of Coke. Well, I mean, the bag said Coke on it, but it tasted funny. But there was a lot of Coke for a while there.

1:28:23I don't know. A lot of shrooms, LSD, weed. It's 6th Street. There's no rules here. I don't make the rules of 6th Street. Absolutely.

1:28:29Brian Redban:Incredible. And how long has it been since you had the operation to remove the backside horse part of your body?

1:28:39About 2 ,000 years, Tony. Incredible.

1:28:43Brian Redban:Incredible. I still want to make wishes every time I see you, Joe. Listen, they're saying there's nothing wrong with the water in East Palestine, so I'm going to keep drinking the tap water in Ohio. You know what I mean? Yeah, where are you from? Well, Youngstown, Ohio. Oh, nice. You are from Youngstown, Ohio? I grew up on South Bonaire and then East Florida Ave and Youngstown. Holy shit. Yeah. Wow. Look at you. Even for Youngstown, you're weird looking, dude. I'm the one white guy in the hood they didn't fuck with. I have a look I know. That is incredible. Yeah. I didn't know it was white hood.

1:29:16I thought it was Amish.

1:29:18Brian Redban:No, it's not. The same beard. It's not Amish at all in Youngstown, unfortunately. There's very few people that look like Joe Feiley. I could see why the black people would get scared of you if you're walking out. I scared the shit out of you. Get the fucking... All right. I was the needle in the haystack, I guess you would say. That was definitely... Huh? I said I was the needle in the haystack for sure in Youngstown. That was... Right. Yeah. For sure. What do you do for work, Joe Filey? Right now, I work at a weed shop on 6th Street. Okay. All right. God damn. Can you imagine buying weed? I must have a good face for selling weed.

1:29:59They love it. I don't know if it's like the Brow Ridge, but they come in like, honey, this weed works. Fuck the THCA label. Like, we're getting the weed.

1:30:07Brian Redban:Right. No doubt about it. They're like, this weed will make your eyes move apart from one another.

1:30:15Brian Redban:You have a girlfriend? No, fuck no. What's dating like? being, looking, having a... Have you heard of the Dollhouse ATX? I know you're sponsored by the Yellow Rose. Uh-huh, and Red Rose. But the Dollhouse ATX is way doper. It's like Pornhub, but you rent the chick by the hour. They have a search bar. Each chick has categories. They're probably getting shut. Look, Redman's nodding. He knows. He's been there. Oh, Redman knows. Well, well, well. Look who's been playing at the Dollhouse. The craziest part was you followed it with the Sunset page. I can grab my... When I follow the page... Oh! Busted!

1:30:57Brian Redban:Order in the court. We hereby find the defendant completely guilty. Yo, isn't your wife here? You can see her at the dollhouse tonight. No, actually, I heard about it from Joe Wright. Okay, just... Is it the place where you can rent a room? Yeah, that's what he just said. No, rent a room. Oh, yeah, it's like Liam Neeson style. They put sheets in the bigger rooms to divide them up. What's the craziest thing you've done at the dollhouse ATX? Oh, God.

1:31:31There was, like, this poor little Colombian chick, and it was like, I wanted a Charlie Sheen, so, like... Hold on, nice and slow. Poor little Colombian chick. She didn't happen to have a 30-cent OnlyFans. But I wanted a Charlie Sheen, So, like, I put some coke on my dick. I had her snort it and suck the rest. And, like, midway through the suck, she was like, 200 more. And I just paid it to her because it was worth it. That's not even a lie. Like, I could. Wow. I wish it wasn't. My parents are going to see this. They're huge fans.

1:32:02Brian Redban:Yeah. Absolutely. They are going to see what you're up to. They're also definitely siblings. Yeah. So, 200 bucks and you basically got a blowjob at a strip club. Yeah, kind of halfway. This is a ringing endorsement for Dollhouse ATX. I mean, I almost feel bad for the Red Rose and Yellow Rose because this is quite the ad read. Listen, they don't have no Heidi's at the Dollhouse, all right? If you're going to the Dollhouse for a Heidi, they don't... No doubt about it. They have running Heidi's. You can run, but you can't Heidi. The chicks there probably look like you. There's a couple. Yeah. There's a$50 menu for sure.

1:32:46There's like a 3 p.m. happy hour. My God. It's fourth meal.

1:32:55Brian Redban:So you make money at the weed shop, and then you lug it over to the Dollhouse ATX. Oh, that's like a once-every-two-month thing. That's like a Red Lobster, you know what I mean? Like every two months you can go, you get some Cheddar Bay Biscuit. You really are from Youngstown. That confirms it. Everyone in Youngstown thinks Red Lobster is an every two-month celebration. It really is. I was shocked when I grew up and got just a little bit of success and was like, oh, wow, this is not the best restaurant in the world. It's incredible. I was tricked for the first 18 or 19 years of my life. I went there after my confirmation.

1:33:32It was a big deal. The best. The red lobster was huge. The best.

1:33:37Brian Redban:I mean, you could just count on it. Big shrimp cocktail. All the biscuits? Come on. Come on. No doubt about it. So. So you're getting coke on your dick with a sex slave at the place. Sex slave. In Thailand, they felt like sex slave, Shane. Oh, you went to Thailand? Yeah, I've been to Bangkok before. Holy shit. Whoa. I have this look, brother. Like, they know what. When I landed in Thailand, there's like 30 bitches there. Like, he's the one. You probably, if you learn Russian, you'll be fucking sick, dude. You look like a Dagestani wrestler. True. I can't fight at all. I carry a gun. Fuck that.

1:34:16CCW class is like eight hours and you're just as tough as them. Like that's...

1:34:23Brian Redban:We're going to read a couple Yelp reviews here for Dollhouse ATX.

1:34:30Brian Redban:The guys in the Geico commercials keeps going. We went in here thinking it was a sex shop. We were half right. They have a very small collection of lingerie and sex toys, but they have several women there in lingerie, so I think they might be in the business of selling something, all capital letters, else. If you want sex toys, go next door. It has a much larger selection. Wait, who the fuck wrote that? It says Matt M. Nick. Some piece of shit named Matt M wrote that. I was on the search for a giant dildo and there was a bunch of naked ladies wanting to have sex with me. Yeah, exactly. I hated it.

1:35:10Brian Redban:There's a four-star review from James. Here we go. It starts with, this is how you know it's good. It starts with, okay, here's the deal. You go in, and there's a lobby. Costs$65 just to get into the main area. Is that true? It's like$55 on Sunday nights and Monday nights. Wow, look at that. On discount. Yeah. Early bird special. Working on a budget. If you want a private show, it costs another$65, and you pick your model. And if there's more than one working there, you've already spent 130 bucks to get a non-nude dance. If you want nudity, it's 100 bucks. Is that true? 75 on Sunday. There you go.

1:35:50Brian Redban:So to get in from the lobby and get a full new dance, it costs 165 bucks total any day but Sunday. If you have money to burn and like the idea of being in your own room one-on-one with a hot model dancing and grinding in your lap, it's cool. I personally prefer that to going to, say, Yellow Rose, where there's too many drunk assholes making the place noisy. Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to our great sponsors. This is fucked up. Look what you've done. I'll mention you when I go there next. No, no, it's okay. You can get it for the show. Shout out. Shout outs to Kill Tony. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you at the Dollhouse ATX?

1:36:27Oh, I don't like anything in my butt. And the one chick was too hot to say no. So I just let her play a little bit. Whoa.

1:36:33Brian Redban:What did she put in here? I didn't realize the nightstand had two drawers. So she opened the first one. And I don't know, you look at, like, level one through five, and it's like, I can take five, but let's start with one. And I didn't know there was, like, a level six through ten in the second drawer down. I made it to eight without yelling, so that was... Were you facing the other way or something? You just didn't see what was going on? I, like, you're face down in the bed, and, like, you're peeping over. Like, she's holding your... She doesn't want you to see what's in the drawer. Right. Right.

1:36:59And how much... Wait, you paid, right? Yeah. Yeah, you could have spoke up.

1:37:09Yeah, when number five was in your aspect, let me talk to a manager right now. That's ridiculous. She was the manager. That was the manager special. Oh, shit. Wow. It was a$75 manager special on a Sunday, and I got pegged. All right?

1:37:23Brian Redban:Wow. This place is going to be packed on Sundays from now on. This is completely backfired. backfire is also what happened that day for you um you have a big joke book from here yet i got a couple you have a couple big joke i mean they're pretty full perfect there you go fill them up thank you sir there goes joe filey ladies and gentlemen all right let's do one more bucket pool we've had a lot on today we've been flying through these interviews believe it or not make some noise for your final bucket how about another hand for Heidi, everybody. Your final bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for Ramis, everyone.

1:38:09Brian Redban:Or Ram. Or Ramis. Okay. Hello, hello. So last time I was here, I was thinking about bags and boxes. Yeah, and I actually worked for a moving company. I was telling Tony that, and, you know, one time I was moving this dude, and I thought he had Down Syndrome, so I'm looking him weird. He looking at me weird. And I'm like, I don't know, you know? So I'm trying to be all extra soft. And then he said, like, yo, I went to ASU, and I grew up in Phoenix. So I'm like, oh, where? Yeah. I did shrooms, and I smoked weed and drank and shit. And I'm like, wait a minute. They let people with Down syndrome do that shit?

1:38:47You know? That's not normal. And then at the end of the job, he gave us, like, 60 bucks. So I knew we didn't have Downs because I was like, otherwise, he would have gave us, like, Cheez-Its or maybe some jelly beans. like a single marshmallow. But you got to take it. It's going to stick to your fingers, but you got to take it. You can't not say no, right? Yeah, that's my name, Ram B. Thank you. Is that short of a minute? Yeah.

1:39:12Brian Redban:Okay. 50 seconds from Ramis. I'll take it. Ram B, actually. Ram B. Yeah, I think there was something. Yep, there's a little space. You left a space between the line down and that S. You might have called the wrong name. No, I didn't. It's your handwriting socks. I'll take it. Let's go. You see that? Can you confirm? That looks like a ramus. No. Separation between the... 100 % ram. Ram. B. R-I-M-B. Yeah. Oh, but you're saying... Right, because it doesn't connect. Yes. I even did a capital B. That's you. Yeah, that's you. It's ram. B. Yeah, but you spell it like... Ram B. You spell it like lamb.

1:39:54Yeah. Okay. Ram. That's fair. Yeah. And the set was bad.

1:40:01How long you been doing stand-up, Ram B? I moved here in 2021, and I did about 10 open mics in Wisconsin before that. So about four years. But I have taken some months off because of life shit. You know, my dad, my pop spaz, and some other stuff. Damn it. I'm just being honest. I'm just being honest. But I have stayed consistent with writing through that four years. So I've been doing it four years, basically. That was a roundabout, stay the way, four years.

1:40:26Brian Redban:Yep, got it. How did dad die? Leukemia. He beat it once and then it came back. Wow. He beat leukemia once? Leukemia is your mom's name? Depends on who you ask, I guess.

1:40:43All right. She's going to love that joke.

1:40:47Brian Redban:I love it. To be honest. So how do you make money? I work at a call center internet company, but I can't say it. You know what I'm saying? You like it? It works for right now. What are the hours like? When do I get there or what are the hours? No, I'm joking. 10 to 7. Okay. Do you have any trouble waking up in the morning? You know, before this show, I didn't. You know, I was an early riser, and now I'm like, you know what? Fuck it, I'm going to sleep to about 9.30. You know, like, you know. Got it. I gave myself some leeway. What do you do? It's like, what do you call it? Self-care? Sure. What do you do at nighttime for fun?

1:41:27I go do mics, and then I also play... Wow.

1:41:34Brian Redban:Random police button from Red Dead. I dodge cops. But I dodge cops on Red Dead Redemption 2. That's the kind of shit I do. You know what I mean? Grand Theft Auto. Have you ever gotten arrested? Never. Actually, do you know what's funny? Is a lot of people get surprised that I've never been to jail. And when they meet me and talk to me longer, they're like, I can't even fucking believe it. But it's just because I've been lucky, to be honest. Wow. You never heard of Sammy the Bull? Yeah. All right. Well, I was in Arizona, and at the time, about like 22 years old. Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't say this.

1:42:06No, go ahead. Fuck it. Go ahead. Fuck it. Let it out. Yeah, taxes will probably get me before this anyway. I'm joking. But he was doing like an exorcist ring, and my dude that I was living with was dealing exorcist. and every now and then we make a few bucks on the weekend or whatever, you know. And then all of a sudden we saw the dude that we were getting the pills from in the parking lot on the news. And I wasn't a very good drug dealer. That was the end of my drug dealing days right there. Wow. Yeah. 23 people were in that ecstasy ring. You can go look it up. It's real shit. Wow. Yeah.

1:42:37Brian Redban:And you were in it, but you didn't get any trouble. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Tony's not incriminating Ram today. Ramus, as you say. Yeah, Ramus. Ramis is going to be in a real trouble. Let's be clear. Ram B. I love it. What's your love life like, Ram B? We talked about this last time. I don't know if you remember. I was back to the bags and boxes, and I sang the song about the girl not calling me back. You know? Yeah. Yeah. So she still ain't called. I'm chilling, man. You know? I'm really just trying to build my life up and not really worry about that side of my life. Because, you know?

1:43:12No kids? My daughter's 21, living her life, doing her thing. Wow. Yeah, doing very good, actually, yeah. Okay, great. College and everything and shit.

1:43:20Brian Redban:How much did you contribute to that child being a success? I raised her half. I lived in Wisconsin for 20 years, which was very much a sacrifice. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. After growing up in Phoenix, it was like, fuck this shit. Hey. Yeah, we're in Phoenix. Wait, we're in Phoenix. No, no, no. How'd you end up in Wisconsin? Because her mom was from Wisconsin, and so we moved there. And so I stayed there after we broke up to raise her. White mom. Literally 50%. Yeah, white mom. White mom. How did the white parents take to you moving to Wisconsin? Pops, right? Can you give an example of what that means?

1:43:57Brian Redban:These people have no idea. All right. The whole family hates me. Let's just be real. Right. But how do you know? Give us an example. Oh, man, that's rough, man. They might see this. They might. So what's one good little story? You're not naming them out by name. Could be any family. You ever have somebody look at you like this?

1:44:16like for way too long right like that yeah it was constantly that you know i mean yeah okay

1:44:23Brian Redban:even at thanksgiving like you're supposed to have a good hey let's hang out hey they never said anything disrespectful or anything though nothing in particular just to look i almost fought some family members yeah yeah yeah wisconsin was an interesting time i'll just say that yeah yeah like i recently went back there and a bar owner looked at me across the bar for a while like I think I know this motherfucker. Like, I'm serious. And he just kept looking at me. And I'm like, why is he looking at me? And I forgot that I had tried to fight him about 10 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. You know. How could you forget about that?

1:44:55Well, you know, you live a life. I'm 47. So if you live a life where you kind of fault some people, you forget. And it's 2 a.m. And he accused me of something I didn't do. So I was extra charged. And he's behind the bar yelling to me. And I'm like, hey, I'll fuck you up type shit. You know. Well, I didn't. i was i'm proud of myself actually and i very much matured i wouldn't fight nobody these days

1:45:16Brian Redban:incredible you're 47 years old yeah you successfully raised a 21 year old daughter yes sir yes sir you've avoided getting arrested yeah i'm a miracle right now right yeah what's your secret what's your secret born at six months two pounds right wow so i've been a miracle over and over again all them stats i'm like lebron right you know what i'm saying like i'm 47 and I'm still going, baby. You know what I'm saying? Amazing. I really feel that way. Like, I wake up every morning like, you're LeBron. Not Ronnie. And then you go to a call center and take calls. Yeah, I know, yeah. Yeah, I know, I know.

1:45:56Someone's just yelling, get him, Shane. I'm not going to get him. You just fucking believe in him. Let's go, Shane. No, I appreciate, yeah. Hey, I wish I had a drink. They took my drink away. I had this. They took your drink? I had some vodka. I had to sit it down. They take your drink? Yeah, well, I couldn't bring it down the alley. You know what I mean? I could do that. You can't. I would love to toast you, though. We could do a black fist up. Yep. There you go.

1:46:18Brian Redban:All right, Ram B. I appreciate y 'all. You already have a big joke book? No, I got a small one. Well, guess what, buddy? You're getting the Extra Dark Edition Kill Tony joke book. Congratulations to Ram B. Not Ramis at all. It's Ram B.

1:46:38Brian Redban:All right. It's been a hell of an episode. The hottest episode in the history of Kill Tony. We went from the 80s to the 70s, back to the 80s, and I'm pleased to report that we are back at 79.9 degrees right now. 50 % humidity, a very rare treat. It does not work for comedy at all. But you guys are a bunch of superheroes, and we thank you. Congratulations to you. And for your herodom, you shall be rewarded. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the record holder for all-time appearances on this show, all-time interviews on this show, the reigning defending Hall of Famer, the emperor of ExpressVPN, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla.

1:47:26Brian Redban:This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody.

1:47:40Austin, I'm so excited to announce to everybody. I'm actually about to start auditioning for my first feature-length film. The guy seems super nice. He actually sent the script to my father back in Memphis, which was weird as shit. It's like, how do you even get his fucking address? But I'm really excited. Ozzy Osbourne died, yeah, 30 years ago.

1:48:08I'm doing my first intervention tomorrow, and I've got a ton of anxiety because I just don't know, I don't know what to wear. And that's a true one. Okay, let's keep it moving. Ah, it's sad. If you don't want me to join a cult, quit wearing all those groovy clothes in your propaganda videos, and we get free juice, sign me the fuck up. free love no taxes vip access to a spaceship heading to heaven and i get to wear the most stylish fits presbyterian church see your ass down ask it for that 10 percent tithe shit my cult keeps it god damn it i missed that person

1:48:53presbyterian church see your ass down ask it for that 10 percent tithe shit my cult wants 100 percent of my assets and they're gonna keep it 100 you know what i'm saying

1:49:07have y 'all seen the trailer for the new moderate to severe plaque psoriasis commercial

1:49:14Brian Redban:okay that's my time william montgomery has done it again all right yeah i i got yeah the intervention's tough. Yeah. Yeah, I wore a fucking Notre Dame coaches polo to my sister's intervention. It's at a hotel in Pittsburgh like you gotta make some change. So what do you wear to that? You can't wear something cool. You gotta go tux. Tux is fucking crazy. I know you're doing heroin. My name is Bond.

1:49:51Yeah, maybe a coat and tie. I don't have a tux but I have a suit. I think a suit could work. Yeah. Or you could go to Notre Dame Coaches Bowl. It worked. My sister stopped doing heroin. Well, too bad I fucking can't stand Notre Dame, dude. I'm a Florida Gators fan. I cannot stand. After the whole fucking... After the whole Manti-Tayo debacle, y 'all, handle. I can't stand Notre Dame. No, no, no. How was that a debacle, dude? He was innocent. Also, yeah, whatever. You guys are totally irrelevant these days, so whatever. You had a good run. Maybe this year. Okay, but...

1:50:24Brian Redban:You had a good run. William, this is incredible. This intervention you're doing, is this for a family member, a friend? What are they on?

1:50:39Are they having a good time or a tired time? I don't know. Think of a tired time. They're sleepy. Yeah, I had a sleepy intervention myself. Yeah, is that the one with Notre Dame jersey or was that another one? Notre Dame coaches polo. What, was your sister just getting really sleepy? She was just getting a little sleepy. She was on drugs and stuff? Yeah. Like downers? Yeah, heroin. And then, yeah, that makes you nod off, and I think that's the situation I'm dealing with. Yeah. Well, are they mean a lot now? Have they turned mean when they're not on it? Are they stealing stuff a little? A little bit.

1:51:13Yeah, stealing. I can't have them over in my apartment anymore. That's probably heroin, and then you go, what the fuck? Yeah. But it's surprising how quickly they come back. You go, there's that person I liked. Well, we'll see. Well, good luck. I'm praying. Thank you.

1:51:26Brian Redban:What's your speech? What's your speech going to be? Yeah, can you give us an example of yours? Stop doing that! Stop doing that! Yeah, dude, do that. You deserve it! Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to stop doing that shit, man! We're all worried about your motherfucking ass! Dude! We need you eating Cheddar Bay Biscuits again. He literally is not hungry anymore. He used to go to fucking that place with me all the time. But yeah, we're going to get him eating Cheddar Bay biscuits again. We're going to get it figured out. Are you saying Cheddar Day? Cheddar Bay biscuits? Cheddar Bay. Yeah, Cheddar Bay biscuits.

1:52:06But yeah, oh my gosh, Tony, this past weekend, just to look at old sets, I watched every single, and I've never done this. And Tony, I want to say my heart was melting a little bit because when I'm doing these jokes, I don't really ever see y 'all's reactions too much for people up here reaction and it always made me smile to myself and i could see your ass laughing at some of my jokes and red band i do have to say i don't feel horrible about talking about your slutty ass mom every single time it was like probably in a hundred sets of mine i was talking shit about your mom so i did have a very nice weekend just reminiscing over these times i had

1:52:41Brian Redban:never gone back and watched them all three yeah red band you you brought those prop glasses just for this moment with William? Yeah, these are real. You've been wearing... These are real glasses. But you put them on now? Yeah, I always put them on at the end. So I don't forget them. Wait, you never noticed that? He always puts his glasses on at the end. No. No, he's never done that before. Come on, man. It's a classic Kiltown. He did. When the glasses come on, you know it's wrapping up. What do you think about Red Band's glasses, William? I think they make him look a lot smarter. And I had been worried.

1:53:15He's been looking kind of stupid recently. I think, thank God with those glasses, they make you look a lot smarter. Redband, I'm kidding. You look like a weird homeless kind of person. You look scary with those glasses. I take them off. Are those even prescription glasses, Redband? Yes, they are. They are? How much do they cost?

1:53:33Brian Redban:$350. That's embarrassing, dumbass. I was thinking you were going to say something like that.

1:53:42So, William... No, and Redband, you actually do look better. I swear to God. you somehow used to look worse i think but yeah i mean you still look okay you're getting worse but is this the intervention that you were yes yeah red man we have to get you up out of your apartment man i mean we have to get you i know you've been holed up up there a long time we know you're super depressed you've been on vr way longer than normal my girl's a stripper at the dollhouse man my girl's a stripper at the dog house man tell us about this new plaque and It's just this nasty looking bitch walking around with all these fucking, like it looks like she got real sunny burned on different parts of her body.

1:54:24That's what plaque psoriasis is. It's like this nasty disease people get. I don't know if it's sexually transmitted. I don't know how people get it, but it's just this real sickening disease people get. Yeah, no. So the commercial seems really good. It's just getting more. It's going to get people on these pills.

1:54:45Brian Redban:Have you, let's go back to the intervention for a second. Have you planned a speech for this? Have you written a speech? I was starting to write some earlier. Uh-huh. And I'm going to have to really, I'm going to finish it up tomorrow. Don't do it. Don't read like a, yeah. So I shouldn't read? Yeah, what do you think? Do I go from the heart? Yeah, do a brand new minute for the. I would, yeah, go from the heart on the intervention. If you read, it's crazy. It better kill. It better kill. It's like everybody reads like it's a fucking best man speech. I sat in the room and everyone was like, I'm a little nervous.

1:55:20It's like, this is about her. Yeah, let it run. Yeah, okay. Let it flow. Oh, thank you to the fucking horrible person that belched right there. We're talking about a friend of mine that's probably literally dying. And I hear this monster burp right there. That was you? That was a nice homosexual couple right here? But you burping on his dick, bitch!

1:55:42Brian Redban:Wow. It's amazing how you do that. It makes the whole place light up all crazy. Tony, I am stinking tonight. This is weird. I swear I think they did the formulation of Old Spice deodorant differently, dude. I've been starting to stink at night now. Ooh. Yeah. It's never happened before. I've never stunk like this. This is a new thing. Have you changed your diet at all? I just metamucil out the frame. I'm up to four cups of it a day, and I did shit twice today, which is great because I did go a span of time of three days this past week without shitting. Wow. But I'm doing so much row. I'm at 720 miles on the row machine since January, so I just feel like my body's actually really using all the bananas, all the stuff I'm eating.

1:56:28It's going straight to my muscles is what my guess is. So that's why I'm not doo-dooing, because all the peanut butter crackers, fucking bananas and shit, going straight to my muscles.

1:56:38Brian Redban:What else goes straight to your muscles? Give us some examples of things that go straight to your muscles. I mean, you know I'm drinking a fucking protein shake with skim. Oh, hell. But no, weirdly enough, a lot of jelly beans. I think a lot of these sports people are saying, go down on the sugar. No, jelly beans are good. The popcorn, the buttered popcorn, jelly beans, I'm all up in those right now, 30. And I'm going to bring some to the intervention tomorrow. I feel like everybody loves a... Yeah, get them hooked on something. Yeah. Yeah. You think that's good? Try this shit. Yeah, try these jelly beans.

1:57:10But I got to tell you, a lot of heroin people, they're going to go straight to candy as soon as they get done. He's going right to those jelly beans. Yeah, yeah. If it's heroin, whatever.

1:57:17Brian Redban:Is it heroin? Is that the main drug of the person getting the intervention? Yeah, amongst cornucopia of other things. Ooh, cornucopia. Damn, he's doing other heroin and plus. Other stuff. Oh, yeah, it's time for an intervention. Wow. Hurry that up. Yeah. I've never heard you use the word cornucopia before, William. Are there any other new words in your vocabulary this week that you're excited about?

1:57:46Brian Redban:Just a little spot. Licensed. Whoa. All right. Wait. Didn't even activate the lights. This is a hard one, Tony. You got sad horns on that one? Sometimes when you're not passionate about it, you get barely a drum, sad horns, and barely any lights.

1:58:06assessor

1:58:11you should do poly substance drug user poly substance drug user that's what your friend is oh a poly substance drug user poly substance drug user there you go the words this is a hard one Tony I'm so sorry I mean I'm really screwing up on this one I can't You can say anything.

1:58:34Brian Redban:Honestly, the ones that you don't really know that aren't that exciting are kind of funnier than the crazy ones.

1:58:43Brian Redban:A new word this week from William Montgomery. We're almost there. And here we go. Could be anything in the world. I gotta tell you, it's impossible. I'm trying to think of one word. I can't think of one word. Wyoming. Words are tough. Yeah. Domino! Wow! Look at that! What's the one thing that you're hoping at the end of this intervention tomorrow, what's the one thing that you're hoping that the person that you're giving the intervention to will not say? I ain't ever gonna stop using drugs! That's William Montgomery This has been the hottest episode Of Kill Tony in history We were able to get it down to 79.2 degrees Guys The drawing from Ryan J.

1:59:42Brian Redban:Ebelt is in How loud can you guys get for our guests tonight Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker Everybody You did it Brought to you by ExpressVPN Tires season 2 Matt and Shane's secret pod On Spotify, everywhere else Anything else you guys want to plug or anything? Matt? I'll be in Atlantic City August 16th. Hell yeah. Atlantic City Ocean Casino Resort. Please come. The Kill Tony. Yeah. Thank you. Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis. The band will be a blue note in New York City the Monday after Madison Square Garden 818. 818. You got it. This episode brought to you by ExpressVPN. One more time for the best damn band in the land.

2:00:27Brian Redban:and our guests, Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker. Red Band. Check out The Secret Show every Thursday. Sunset Strip, ATX.com. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody.

2:00:58Thank you.

2:01:27The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:01:57Thank you.

2:02:17Thank you.