#732 - ALI SIDDIQ + KIM CONGDON

23:04I don't know. It felt mean. Felt like this was the right room for it. That's what people do. They think that. It's interesting. Yeah, I don't know why. There was a fucking clown up two people ago. It's a sweet little room. I don't know why you'd be mean or dark or anything like that. Yeah, how do you talk about Helen Keller but be the retard?

23:25You, now Kim's pissed. No, don't do the stand-up thing, Kim. Stay seated. We're not on Legion of Skanks right now where you have to make sure everybody knows you were just funny.

23:39Jimmy, what do you do for work? I'm a video editor. What kind of videos are you editing? Child porn. Is it child porn, Jimmy? It's not child porn. What are you editing? I edit all sorts of things. I edit a lot of online content where I make fun of people on Cameo. Okay. I mean, I feel like Cameo is pretty topical for Kill Tony. Most of the regulars is how they make their day-to-day wage. Again, dead silence after everything you say. It's almost amazing. Like, if we wanted to get room tone for audio, I would just have you do a joke so we could hear, make sure that we have the ventilation and the sound of lighting and everything edited out of the baseline sound.

24:23It never gets quieter than when you try to make some noise in this room. Jimmy, so where do you live? Austin? I live in Austin. For how long? About four or five years. And where were you at before that? Jersey. Okay. You're from Jersey. What was that like? Living in Jersey? Yeah. I mean, it was pretty good. I lived on the shore, so it was fucking nice. A lot in, you know. I don't know. Have you been to Jersey? There's not really much I can say about it. Okay, I guess not. Ten years in stand-up and a lifetime in Jersey, not much to say in either one of the things, I guess. What do you think the most interesting thing about your entire life is, Jimmy?

25:06The most interesting thing about my entire life is...

25:14I married an immigrant recently I married an immigrant where'd you meet the immigrant at? Scotland you went to Scotland what made you go to Scotland? the Edinburgh Fringe Festival oh ok it's happening right now and then what happened? you were at a coffee shop no I just started screaming at people on the street to come to my comedy shows because I had to do something and clearly Kill Tony wasn't moving the tickets for me. So I barked her into a show. She enjoyed it and then she came back. Wow. Yeah. Wow. So she came up to you and she goes, I want to see you share. Yeah. And then after the show, what did you do with her?

25:55You guys go have drinks or something? Yeah, we grabbed drinks, got a date going. It was fun, you know. Did you hook up that first night with her? Gentleman never kisses and tells. Tony, that's my wife, for fuck's sake. Boo, what do you know her? I don't kiss and tell yet. No, you're on a... You're on a show right now. You're on a show, Jimmy. Here's a little joke book. Ollie, what do you think about all this? It's crazy as hell that a lady who has been doing comedy for six months and a guy who's been doing it for a decade are in the same exact place. Yep. 100%. A lady who's been doing it six months that is much more venture capitalist and mentally ill than a comedian.

26:39Just body Jimmy Clifford who's coming back from festivals just fresh and ready. Alright, Jimmy. I'll be honest. I'm a little out of practice. I just had a baby about two months ago. That would have been an interesting thing to say five minutes ago. I don't know if it's the most interesting thing in my entire life, Tony. I would say, you know, it's awesome. Bam! Well, I have... Holly, you have like five kids. You can't say the one was the most interesting. No, no, no, no, no. I have nine. Do not deduct my children. Yeah. Look out here. There he goes. Jimmy Clifford, everyone. We're going to keep it moving.

27:20We're having fun here tonight. Interesting bucket pulls so far. Very interesting. Doesn't matter if you've been doing it ten years or six months. The pressure can get to you. Ladies and gentlemen, One minute uninterrupted. Next one is Liv Taylor. Liv Taylor.

27:43So I recently turned 31, and as a woman, I realized that now I'm in my 30s. There's a point in your life that you realize you're no longer in your 20s. Like, that decade of your life is over. That defining point, there's a defining point. For me, I thought, that's just when you turn 30. Apparently, that was when I realized I went from having headlight tits to a headlight and a fog light.

28:12Bitch, where are you going? Like, I don't even have kids to blame this on, and I'm half Puerto Rican. Which is nothing short of a miracle in and of itself. I am half, and I don't speak Spanish. I think I'm more of what you'd call like, Sorter Rican instead. And I get that side from my dad. Kind of hard to talk about him, not because he's dead or anything, but because he's just such a fucking narcissist. He's Puerto Rican, it makes sense. But my dad's like that kind of narcissist that's, he went to a military high school. He's convinced that he's a veteran. Thank you. Liv Taylor, amazing. Decent and somehow the best bucket pool of the night so far.

29:01Barely decent, yet the number one ranked bucket pool of the night. I'll fucking take it, Tony. Hell yeah. I'll fucking take it. I bet you would. I'll take it.

29:15You're half Puerto Rican. I am. Is that why you think one of your tits is garbage? Probably. Still got it. Still got it. Leaning into the wind. All right. I love it. Liv Taylor. How long have you been on stand-up? Almost two years in November. Okay. How do you make money? I'm a vet tech. Vet tech. Yeah, I actually have been working for about two months. The last time I was on, I didn't have a job. I found a job not long after that. That's what happens. Kill Tony bump. A lot of people think people just make money off Cameo here for some reason. Steven as a vet tech yeah see you're around animals yeah I actually work in specialty so I work in anesthesia and surgery amazing yeah what is what is some of the worst animals to deal with that you've learned about so far what are the ones when you're like oh no there's a fucking chihuahuas really land sharks yeah yeah not all of them I'll give some credit there are some nice ones but for the most part they fucking suck yeah I agree completely that's why we're trying to deport a lot of them right now um back to chihuahua huh back to chihuahua there's a chihuahua in mexico oh okay yes got it you said it like it was one word i was trying to back to chihuahua all right there you go i thought she put a spell on you yeah that was weird it was weird one of My tits feels weird all of a sudden.

30:46Whoa.

30:50All right. Liv, what do you do for fun? I am very homebody, so I like hang out at home with my dogs, but I like to hang out with friends. I've pretty much bar hopped since I've been here in Austin and really just trying to kind of start a new life. Religious? We talked about it last time. No. To God, no. Oh. No. No, no, no. No, not religious. Right. Yeah, no. Movies, I mean, just really hang out. I'm very boring, I would say. I've really delved into comedy. That's why I moved to Austin. Okay, what are some of the wildest things that you've seen out there in the comedy scene? This whole show, it's always comedians.

31:26We never really get to delve into the gritty, what it's like at the Austin open mics and whatnot. What have you seen? What can you tell us about it? It's pretty dirty out here, man. Describe that for people. I mean, there's piss literally everywhere. I mean, you can be friends with the homeless, or you can be their worst enemy. I choose the latter. It's, I think, better that way. I like to keep my distance. I mean... How about at the open mics? Once you get there, you're talking more about the walk to the open mics. It's literally what you think it is. It's just, like, hundreds of us just sitting around waiting for our names to be called.

32:04Some people getting sloshed out, you know, shit-faced. I just kind of hang out with my little group of friends that I have You don't get shit faced No, I drink here and there, but I don't get shit faced Exactly At least on these nights Why get shit faced when you already have a shit body? You're right, Liv Oh, come on, shut up What kind of show do you think you showed up to? It's a 40 pound shed from last year So I think I'm actually pretty okay That's great Grief's one hell of a diet Say that again? I said grief's one hell of a diet What happened? What did you lose? I'm a widow. I lost my husband last year.

32:39Oh, shit. We talked about it last time. It's cool. Remind me. What happened? He flipped his truck. Ah, that's right. There it is. Always fun. There he is. We have amazing technology here at Rogan's Comedy Club. Thank you to Spotify for the amazing technology. We're able to tap into the audio in heaven.

33:08It is quite incredible. We're getting word that your former husband is trying to tell us something right now. Where's he at? Here he is. Wow. Okay. What's his name? Joe. Joe? Joe. Joe is joining us from heaven. Joe, this is a brand new segment on this show. We're testing out this new technology. That soundboard's terrible. Pussy. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Wait, was that Antonio Brown I just heard? Is he dead? Antonio, what'd you say? I'll pass on that pussy. Oh, my God. All right. So, Liv, if you have, like, a short-term goal for your comedy, what would it be?

34:01I mean, I'd like to be at least featuring in the next, you know, like two years i know i'm not ready for something like that now i'm definitely still working and building that's a good goal we all are so yeah i'd say i'd say like two years good goal can i tell you a fun fact okay i actually have a picture of you with like i went to a show of yours it was like the year before before my mom died and what year was that 2023 okay i actually have a picture with you and him together and you guys have this like very uncanny look really yeah it's very odd Wow. Yeah. Amazing. He's going like this. Yeah.

34:42Wow. I'm sorry. Well, if you had a husband that looked like me and he was stuck with you, I could see why he wanted to flip that truck. Come on. We're getting here. She's smiling. She's living her dream. She's on the biggest show in her industry. Yeah, you got to be nice. She was there. Part of the truck is still on her face. Oh, my God. You're getting... This is a very roasty panel, Liv. But I liked your set so much so that you're leaving with a big joke book today, Liv, just based on the fact that you're the best bucket pool so far. There you go. Liv Taylor. We're having fun. We're having fun.

35:21A lot of oohs and aahs from this crowd. Very sensitive crowd. The liberal girl whispering into her boyfriend's ear over there. I just think he's mean. Jesus Christ. All right. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Benny G. Benny G. Here he is.

35:47So I married the Wish.com version of my high school crush. The original was named Heidi. Big busty like this. The knockoff is more like this. Arthritis in both hands.

36:06But when we finally got divorced, she took me for pretty much everything. I was so ticked off that I called my sister directly after and said, I hoped Obama at the time went the same route as the funny mustache man and just eradicated all redheads. And yeah, I was pretty ticked off. And she happens to have a son who's redhead. and she said, well, what are we going to do with Elijah? I said, we're going to throw him in the attic like Anne Frank. So, but unfortunately that prayer did come true and they ended up going after Red Hats. So I've got to apologize to Gina Carano. Totally my bad. All right.

36:50I loved the first like 30 seconds of that. That was good. And then I have no idea really what the fuck you were talking about after that. I felt like I kind of got edged with genius. I thought he was going to go. The arthritis hand opener had me. I was very interested. And then something, something, redhead, redhead. Okay. Hell yeah. Ollie. He's very nervous. You are? He's shaking so hard. I'm over here trembling. What the fuck is going on? The clown just took his makeup off. It's just regular old Winston pickles up here. Benny G, how long you been doing stand-up? This is my very first try. Wow.

37:28Okay. Okay, that makes sense. No wonder you're shaking. Look at that. How old are you? I am 42. 42. What made you want to start today? I've been actually trying to sign up since October of last year, and what got me down here was the Holy Spirit. I found Christ a little over a year ago, and he put it on my heart to come meet him. Wow. Absolutely incredible. So when Christ found you and told you to come to kill Tony on a Monday night, what exactly did he say? And where were you? And when did this happen? And what did you eat that day? It was a long journey. So I was an atheist for 40 years of my life.

38:11And in January of 2024, I called out to a God I didn't believe in, and I actually heard back from him. Okay. So what's the number to God exactly? Can you give... When you say you called out to God, what exactly happened? Can you describe this for us? I just got ripped off by my in-laws at the time. For how much? How much did they rip you off for? Give me a number. Not a specific number. I was supposed to begin to make 75 % of all the calls I was doing, but they ended up giving me 40%. And, yeah, I was taken aback by it and asked my wife to try to rectify the situation because they were her parents.

38:51And she told me I needed to sell my belongings, sell myself like plasma and stuff like that to make ends meet and in that moment i called out to god you're talking about a real sympathy story here yeah this is incredible this is incredible did god tell you to leave that bitch was the first thing he said so benny g it is me i've come to answer your call you deserve the 70 You have to leave this family and sign up for Kill Tony on Monday nights in Austin, Texas. Your story deserves to be heard. We actually did end up getting divorced. Bill. Absolutely. I had a feeling I was on the spectrum, so I went and got tested, and it turns out I have Asperger's.

39:42What a waste of a test.

39:49It turns out in a stunning turn of events, you have Asperger's. Congratulations on being the last person to find out. They tested him in the parking lot like a COVID test. They're like, yep. He just rolled down his window. They're like, yep, you got it. They saw his thumb in his pocket, and they were like, yep, go ahead. The old warm thumb, one of the first giveaways of Asperger's. All right. What's some of the most Asperger-y things that you do? I have really bad social anxiety. I, you know, I'm just not good with people. Well, look at you facing your fears head on. Absolutely incredible. Benny G.

40:36What else have you been doing with your life for fun? Not a whole lot. Just going to church and volunteering where I can. Okay. So tell us about some of the volunteering that you've done. Have you? I went and did a week with Samaritan's Purse out in, what is that, western North Carolina or whatever where the hurricane's hit. Okay. What did you do there? We were just clearing a bunch of different trees and stuff that had fallen into people's homes. Nice. Very cool. Incredible. Do you ever get, do you ever get, do you ever talk to the devil? I mean if God talks to you I mean you might as well they say lightning doesn't strike twice but I mean has the devil ever reached out to you since you have a direct oh we have someone it appears there's someone calling in what do we got here hold on a second here

41:36I did get a hello Benny G the devil I know I sound a lot like God but you asked if I talked to the devil my ex-wife did call on Sunday oh shit this ex-wife is getting all lit up hell yeah you're nailing 70 % of these jokes I love it Benny G do you have any kids I do I have three kids three kids I love it and Are they grown up? 17, almost 15, and almost 14. Wow. Okay. Do they have the devil inside them, especially this 17-year-old? No, he's actually on the screen. Fred, man, what is wrong with you? Do you have your own quota for retarded shit you have to say? Like, oh, it's been 10 minutes. Is your 17-year-old corrupted?

42:31What's the craziest thing about your three kids? Not a whole lot. I mean, besides being on the spectrum, they're pretty normal. They're all on the spectrum? All but my youngest. Wow. What do you think you did different with the youngest? How do you think the youngest avoided the spectrum? Did you do something different? Perhaps hold out? She might not be mine. Oh! Oh, my God. I am so saddened by this. There's a lot going on here, man. I love it. So what makes you think that that kid might not be yours? Other than the spectrum thing, does it look different? Yeah, she definitely does look different.

43:11She's black. Well, she does have an afro, so. What was that? I said she does have an afro. He said she's black. Are you serious? Oh, she's got massive curls. Have you ever... Do it up! Cliffs!

43:30That might be the best timed use of that sound effect in the history of the show, which I've been hoping would evolve over the past 12 years. But a fun fact is that is one of the oldest sound effects in the Kill Tony playbook, 12 and a half years. Have you ever asked your ex-wife to tell you the truth about your youngest child? I have, but she's never said anything. so by the time you know we actually thought that she might not be mine it was too late she's already mine in my heart you know what i mean so i'm not gonna try to take that away jesus christ almighty

44:10is there anyone you think it could be i don't know in the 10 years i was with my first wife she i caught her cheating on me three times in the 10 years we were together Oh, my God. How many of these times was when she went to go see Ali Sadiq live?

44:28Let's talk about you. And I know this is obviously personal, but you've seen this show. And let me tell you, you are crushing this interview right now. Everyone wants to look cool. And I don't really have any hobbies. I'm a homebody. I go to bars. What do you do? I don't eat these idiots. and meanwhile there's you just unable to tell a lie just over here King Bean Spiller first of his name Admiral of the Asperger's the protector of thumbs Benny G has arrived so let's go through this cheating thing which I find so interesting and all the listeners guaranteed right now are enjoying this part of the show because they hear about these things Maybe it's affected some of them.

45:18People get suspicious. Tell us, when you caught her cheating, how did you catch her? Like, what are some of the scenarios that you walked in on or found out about? Are we talking about the first wife or the third wife? Wow, this is incredible. He gets hotter every time he says it. Oh, Dee's going to fuck one of them right now. He must have found her back pages. Hell yeah.

45:46One of them has an afro and is completely blind. Plays a hell of a bass, though. Hell of a bass guitar. She's four. I honestly feel like this is how Creed started. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so, Benny G, let's go to any wife. Just tell us about a time that you've caught a wife cheating on you. So, we just got done moving, and she was supposed to be working night shift at Amazon. Uh-huh. Well, she was working night shift at an Amazon, all right. Old anaconda. All right. I couldn't find the mop. I was trying to clean up the house because we just got done unpacking and stuff like that. I wanted her to come home at 6 o 'clock in the morning or whenever her shift ended to a nice clean house.

46:26Oh, God, Benny G. Holy shit, this is incredible. You wanted her to come home to a nice clean house, so you stayed up all night, you sweet, sweet boy. Well, I drove over to our old place because we left the broom and mop there to try to clean it up before we were... You even had to go back another trip have to do with a mission that you wanted to do? Well, when I walked in, she was walking out with another man. Oh, my God.

46:54Oh, my God. The old broom and dustpan. And then later, come to find out, she was actually hooking, so. She was making money? She was getting paid to do this? Crime delivery. Okay, hold on.

47:12That was a good one. Ollie, what were you gonna say there? Okay, we're waving it off. We got a tie there, we tied. So, Benny G, how did you find out she just admitted to you that she was hooking? It was actually one of my coworkers, he said... She walked out of your old house? No, no, no, he'd been on Reddit and he's like, your wife recently got braces, didn't she? I'm like, yeah, how do you know? you haven't seen her in like two years since the last christmas party or whatever and he's like well you might want to look up this name on reddit and sure enough i did and there was all her back page ads from the time we started dating oh my god what's her name

48:01you are disgusting red band i can't believe you would say this is a real emotional part of the show and there you are asking what is her name just out of curiosity all right so this is incredible now did she ever give you a reason why she got into this where did she need the money that bad after we uh you know i forgave her and we tried to stay together after that but uh um you forgave her for being an all-out hooker indeed i did she found out he had one ball wait you have no I have both of them wow look at that they're not attached anymore they're not attached anymore I knew I was right vasectomy oh tubes tied you said enough is enough did you get your tubes tied by any chance before your last kid came out no okay Last kid was 2011.

49:05I got my vasectomy in 2017. Wow. What made you get it in 2017? Were you nutting inside of a ton of women? No, my second wife said that would improve her sex life if I went and got a vasectomy. Because she wanted you to come inside of her? Pretty much, yeah. Wow. When you say pretty much, was there something more that could have possibly happened? No. Just a yes. Okay. So she wanted you to come inside of her, but she did not want any little Asperger babyettes running around. She didn't want any of that, right? Yeah. Okay, good. Because she had met your other kids, and she's like, oh, hell no. Yeah, pretty much.

49:46Right. Okay. Wow. It's been a long interview, Benny, but I feel like I could go on and on with you. Wow. Is there any other time that any other good of the cheating reveals? I think that's what people really love. No. My mother and my sister stole$3.4 million from a major oil and gas company, though. Wow. Oh, my God. It's like all the bucket pool's energy and answers went to one chosen man. I think God really is in his fucking earpiece. This guy is so interesting. Wow. Did they get in trouble for that? Oh, yeah. My sister did, I want to say, five years in prison. Yeah, those oil and gas companies tend to be able to afford lawyers and private investigators.

50:34Did they think they were going to get away with it? I mean, they got away with it for like 10 years or something. Wow. Worth it. And they tracked them back. It's enough time to spend the money, that's for sure. I mean, you can Google it to this day. It's a national story in Denver. Yeah, and you were close with them? Yeah. What did they spend that money on? Do you remember anything specific where you're like, that's kind of weird? I mean, hookers and blow, I don't know. Wow, look at that. Even your own mother was fucking your wife at one point. Incredible. Benny, I love your style. You're so loose up here.

51:09You're smiling, and 15 minutes ago, you were shaking. An unbelievable job, unbelievable interview. Thank you so much for coming by. Benny G, everybody. Let's fucking go. A compelling story. His biggest fear, social anxiety. and he just crushed it during the interview part for 15 minutes. Refresh your good vibes with Tic Tac. With the right vibes it will... Oh man!

51:45...to...

52:01Let's see if this person can follow that. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Ty Marion, everybody. Ty Marion. Oh, we know Ty.

52:15All right, this is my fourth time now on the show. It has not made me famous, but it's cool because I still look famous. Like, I know I look like a racially ambiguous Ross from Friends.

52:28Not too long ago, a dude came up to me in the street and said, hey, you kind of look like a special needs David Blaine.

52:36And then he goes, but I bet you're not allowed to do magic within 100 yards of a school. That's kind of fucked up, because I won't even listen to Drake. But about a week ago, a girl rejected me because she said that I look like a wax statue of Happy Gilmore that was left in the sun too long.

52:59I was like, oh, you got a Sandler fan. Well, I bet if you come over, I'll make you call me Big Daddy. And she goes, I bet if I go over, I'm going to find out you have a little Nicky. And I don't. It's more like an uncut gem. Thank you. Wow. I mean, that is true. You do look like all of those things. You are indeed. The platform that God has given you, a face like that, has led you right here in this moment with great jokes about what the fuck you look like. Thank you. It is incredible. A lot of people with a face like that would be sad and have nothing to do with it in their respective industry.

53:42Meanwhile, it's like you have a prop with you at all times. I love it. I'm signing autographs left and right. None of them are for me, but it's fucking fun as shit. You know what I mean? Adam Sadler. Yeah. It is incredible. There's quite a look. Are your ears fucked up or is that just the hat? It might be the hat, maybe, but, yeah, I do have big ears. I don't know. I lost, like, not like 55 pounds lately, and whatever has happened, it's just gone all to my ears. I fucking hear everything, too. So thank you, whoever that was. Wow. Incredible. Thank you. No, that one ear is definitely fucked up.

54:15Yeah, that ear is a little fucked up, right? Right on. It's like a little chunky ear. Is it? Your lobes are gigantic ear lobes. God. It's totally two different ears. That's a new one. You're definitely melted on this side. It's definitely two different. Yeah, it is an interesting look. Does your whole family look like this? No. Just you? Pretty much. How do you think this happened? Don't really know. Have you ever slept before? Do you eat and drink the same thing every day? What is it? Let us know what to avoid exactly. I don't think it's really food related. I kind of do look a little different from my family.

54:57So recently I did a 23andMe. And I found out that I'm 100 % unable to handle that many guys at once. I couldn't hear what you said. D Madness just sat down and he murmured the words, this motherfucker ugly as shit. That's all. I just heard even D knows, which is incredible. Born blind, but meanwhile, he walks in from using the restroom and can just tell. Can just tell. Ty, anything crazy happen in your life since the last time you were on the show? I got hit by a car riding a lime scooter. Okay, did it hit you in the face by any chance? Nah, it would have helped me out, I think. Yeah. No, just one of these great Austin drivers we have here in Texas just not paying attention and went through a red light as I was coming through an intersection.

55:46Wow. They ran a red light and hit you on a lime scooter? Yes. Because they were going normal, like 35, 40? She was about to make a right turn, so... When you say she, what ethnicity was this woman? She was Hispanic. Uh-huh. Well, that's surprising. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Another L for the Hispanics. Okay, and what did she stop? Yeah, she was on top of the scooter. She didn't have really a choice. you fly over the hood well like wait so the car was on top of the scooter yeah so like not to harp on last two stuff but i'm kind of autistic as well like yeah no no no no we just had fucking uh shaky mcwhat the fuck up here a second ago so it's not really registering my story is i didn't get diagnosed until like really late in life so i've had to like battle it and try to be normal and act like a normal person so it's just a facade what did they tell you that you have a face that looks like an Asperger.

56:46Okay.

56:50Somebody order number 33, Asperger. I think they said your face has draw-tism. All right, you can see it. It's very saggy. Thank you, sir. I'm going to kill myself later. You want to come over? Kim has one joke that doesn't work. She goes on a six-minute rant. Fuck you. Thank you. I'll fucking die right now. All right. Well, Ty, fun time. You were on the show again. You've been on numerous times before. Anything else crazy we should know about you? How did it end? The thing that should give you money? Yeah, well, we're kind of settling that now. Oddly enough, the cop that arrived was the same cop that was here on the last story that I told on the show.

57:29Not to rehash anything. But it was the same guy. So he was like, hey, you want all this information. You need to go ahead and do this. And I was like, I think I'm fine. He was like, you're not fine. So we'll see what happens. Okay. Well, I hope the settlement happens before this episode comes out. Oh, you'll notice the limp now when I leave. Oh, yeah, for sure. Absolutely. All right, Ty Marion, what do you have? You've had a big joke book before? Okay, well, then there you go. Ty Marion, everybody. All right. Very exciting. We're going to bring up one of the rising comedian stars from Canada that's been on this show numerous times before.

58:09Here with a new minute, make some noise for Ben Bankus, everybody. It's Ben Bankus.

58:20What's going on? I got two kids. I just had my second kid. And, yeah, my wife, she tells people, yeah, we had a second kid, you know, for our daughter. So she'd have a friend. Like, yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking, too. I'm just fucking my wife, like, oh, it's for my daughter, actually. Yeah, she needs a friend real bad.

58:48But I got a son now. Every guy wants to have a son, right? Because it's manly and, you know, you've seen those gender reveals where the guy already has two daughters and then it comes out pink and he's like, fuck! Can't fucking handle this shit! So I have a son, but everybody thinks it's manly to have a son. You know, it's your boy. But, like, my daughter, she's three. Not once in three years did I worry she was gay.

59:20my son's three months old i'm i'm fucking worried

59:29ben bankus remember the name fantastic ben unbelievable set of the night so far no doubt about it how long you been on stand up again uh going on 15 15 years a real pro does spots here at the mothership long story short we were getting wasted at the bar last week and uh i said i'll give you a minute fuck yeah dude um are there any signs that the yeah that's the big behind the scenes of kill tony uh if i get drunk enough right next to y 'all go you know what I wanna see what you do. Blah, blah, blah. You guys are watching the sausage get spots. Yes. The sausage gets spots. Is there anything gay about the three month old that makes you think it might be gay or is it just a funny joke?

1:00:18Yeah, I mean like... Or is it like sucking its thumb like back and forth like that or whatever? Yeah. Well like, he breastfeeds. It shits and moans. What? All right. I'm gonna pee. No, Kim. All right, there you go. All right, Jesus. If you guys could just laugh at everything she says so she doesn't have to make a big deal out of it every time, that'd be great.

1:00:47Yeah, my kid, like, he breastfeeds, but, like, he was breastfeeding, and then he coughed weird like he didn't like it.

1:01:09Like, he was breastfeeding, and then he was like... And I looked at my wife, I was like, what the hell was that? She's like, there was a lot of milk coming out. It was probably hitting the back of his throat. I'm like, Jesus Christ.

1:01:32Amazing. I like him. I like him. Hell yeah. He's good. Sometimes it's my fault because I'll feed him with the bottle like this. And then I'll rest it under my chin. And then I'll just go on my phone. And then I'll look down and the bottle's shifted. And it's like... Oh, yeah. I'm like, fuck, now I'm making him gay. This is a lot easier than I thought. Yeah. You're contributing. So that's amazing, Ben. And how old's the daughter? She's three. Three? Okay. And you're still with the baby mama? Oh, yeah. We're married, baby. She's up in Canada? No, she's here. Okay. What does she do? She's a stay-at-home mom.

1:02:14That's right. Fuck yeah. Okay. Nice. I'm also... Can we play the money thing? See, you're just doing it. Stand-up comedy. Making enough money. Stand-up comedy touring. the whole country just did Pittsburgh Cleveland, Chicago, Rosemont Illinois all sold out BenBankus.com BenBankus.com baby B-A-N-K-A-S check him out on tour unbelievable set great stuff Ben make some fucking noise for Ben Bankus smooth and easy Ali Sadiq before you leave I want y 'all to notice something. His shoes are nice. The last two guys' shoes were fucking terrible. That's how you know he a pro. That's true. No, you're absolutely right.

1:03:09Did you see them pumas on the last guy? I actually just started wearing forces, and I really feel for black dudes with the creasing of the... I had to ask my black friend how to not crease them. He's like, you got to ball your feet up. I was like, oh, that's why you guys walk like that.

1:03:31Well,

1:03:34we actually stopped wearing those 10 years ago. Well, good thing you stopped before BLM, because there's a lot of taking a knee. That would have ruined a lot of forces.

1:03:49Ben Bankus, ladies and gentlemen. Ben. Boom. Fuck yeah. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. And here is a new name. Make some noise. A new minute. New name. It's Dave the Butcher, everybody. Dave the Butcher has arrived. God damn, it's bright as fucking hair. Where am I? It's bright as fucking hair. I can't see shit. Where are my black folks at? Smile. Oh, there might be one over there. Oh, shit. I get it, Tony. Keep him on stage where you can keep an eye on him. You know what I mean?

1:04:33Keep him on stage where you can keep an eye on him. Bless you. You know, because it's messed up, but theft in the workplace, it's a motherfucker. Where we at? Shit. Got a little bit of a racist joke here. I'm just trying to break the ice. I get a little nervous here. It's my first time, so knock, knock.

1:04:59Knock, knock. Damn. Thanks a lot, buddy. All right, listen, knock, knock. Who's there? Damn, I fucked up again. Never mind, all right. Did you see the...

1:05:20Wow. Holy shit, Dave. What the fuck are you doing here, man? What would make you do this? Why would you sign up for this? I'm sorry, man. It's bright as fuck. I can't see shit. Yeah, well, how would seeing anything? Deep Madness crushes back here. He literally can't see shit. Kills every single week. Biggest pop from the moment he walks out. Plays like a fucking, like, the devil himself. He doesn't go, sorry, off today. Can't see shit. Yeah. Crushes. You're right. Meanwhile, you can see a lot. Yes, the lights are brighter than they are in the alleyways where you're used to performing. Have you ever attempted stand-up comedy before?

1:06:04A couple times. I'm six months deep. Six months deep. Yeah. Yeah, okay. All right, Dave. What the fuck? Do you have a joke in six months? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a couple jokes. Do they all end in knock-knock? That's how the joke's supposed to start. It was supposed to be knock-knock. Go ahead, knock knock. Fuck you. All right. Fuck you.

1:06:32Unbelievable, Dave. Apologies, apologies. I fucked up. You did fuck up, Dave. You did. Fucking laughing. I got one for you. Knock knock. No. Knock knock. Who's there? Ice. That's my fucking clothes. I was going to say Homeland Security, but that was it. Fuck. Ali Sadiq, what do you think about this? Yeah, I'm fucking MS-13, terrible ass. You are fucking terrible. Yeah, I was horrible. You should take that mic and hang your fucking stuff. Fair enough. You go by the name Dave the Butcher. Is that what you do? Are you a butcher? I'm a chef. You're a chef. So you're not even a butcher. You're not a butcher.

1:07:10No, he butchers his jokes, but... Yeah. Okay, where are you a chef at exactly? Houston. Okay, where at in Houston? Uh, this little place called, uh, Philly Flats. Philly Flats. What do you make there? What do you specialize in? All kinds of stuff. Italian food, Spanish food, whatever. Okay. Sandwiches. Are you good at that? Yeah, I'm the shit. Okay. You know what I think you should do? I think you should go back there. All right. Fair enough. I fucked up. Okay. You from Houston? Yeah. Fucking making me look bad. Yeah. Exactly. This thing... Check out the kick still, man. They're clean. Shit's terrible.

1:07:48Do you have lampshades on your tires, like on your car? Oh, okie dokie. Negative, yeah. I thought that was bad. That was bad? Yeah. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. You are the worst thing to happen to Houston since Katrina. Damn. It is incredible. Fair enough. Fair enough. You're terrible. Try. Work hard. Yeah, yeah. You have to do something next time. There you go. No joke book, no nothing. There you go. Stave the Butcher. Absolutely nothing.

1:08:20Absolutely horrendous. Terrible. You guys having fun out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Evil. Wow, the lights even went off. Even Kino, the lighting guy, likes it when people do bad. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Anything can happen. This is Rob White. Rob White.

1:08:51Kill Tony. How's it going? Oh, my God. I did not think I was getting on the show tonight. Otherwise, I would not have dressed like a Dago on vacation in the 60s. This is a terrible fucking outfit for comedy, guys. Honestly, it's weird. I don't actually do comedy. I have a full-time job. I'm a tattoo artist by day, stand-up comic at night, which is fun because basically I have two jobs that no one thinks is real and uh yeah so like it was a weird thing like growing up like my dad's a tattoo artist and he saw me and he was like seeing how I was acting like a f***ed hard and he's like I need to solve this shit I need to toughen up my son so he sent me off to work to learn how to tattoo with his guy crazy joe at the age of 13 and 13 years old I didn't need to be working with this guy he was a f***ing killer okay i mean like he wasn't killing it with the ladies or doing killer tattoos i mean he actually murdered a guy he stabbed him to death

1:09:51we could end there that wasn't going very well let's be honest check check check check that's it uh the joke ends with your dad stabbing a guy to death no no what the fuck is going on tonight is anybody trying to make it anymore on this fucking show it's a it's a long complicated I should have chose better on my one minute, Tony. I should have chose better, yeah. Okay. I am so fucking dizzy watching him. I know, it's crazy. It is wild. Sorry. Rob White, it's okay, buddy. Okay, so how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it on and off now for five years. Five years, okay. And do you have a joke?

1:10:33Five years. Five years I got jokes? Sure. Let me just do a basic... Do your best joke, five years. Best joke, okay. Here's what I was working on. Guys, what's funnier, the Holocaust or slavery?

1:10:47It's a trick question, because we all know the Holocaust never happened. Okay. All right, fuck it. What are you going to do? Jesus Christ. What's your second best joke in five years? You have another one, another go-to? I am failing miserably. The set-up punch is not an easy thing for me to do. I'd tell them to tell longer-winded stories that one minute does not help. And I didn't think this was going to happen today. This was like literally flew in today. Yeah, that's how it goes. That's what happens on a show where you sign up and your name goes in a bucket. People don't know, and then now you know.

1:11:23This is what you do, yeah. If you could have done something differently, you said you flew in today. What would you have done differently? There's a lot of people that are thinking about signing up. Yeah, fly in the day before. Maybe you should soak up the energy and get yourself prepared so you don't come up here and just wing it last minute. When you say prepare yourself, do you think the five years of attempting stand-up comedy could have applied at all? Look, just the one minute is a hard thing to introduce yourself and tell any sort of... Yeah, it's the format of the show. Sorry, I didn't have any waka-waka fucking happy shit shows.

1:11:54Ali Sadiq. No excuses! Yeah. All right, all right. And there is no waka-waka. Now you're trying to insult the entire art form of stand-up comedy, but everybody who's funny gets laughs in a minute. Even if they're doing a one hour long special, there's laughs in the first minute. Yeah, yeah. Well said. So it's not walk-a-walk. Don't blame the audience. That's shitty of you. Yeah, I get it. I get it. There you go. All right, let's talk about your embarrassing life. What do you got for us? Anything? Fucking horrible. I have horrible stories. Let's go. I started tattooing at an early age. My dad had me tattooing in the shop.

1:12:27Are you doing your material again? No, no. This is like what I do every day of the week. 13 years old tattooing so i've been doing my whole entire life and i did the worst fucking tattoo in the history of tattooing like to the point where it's on every website it's every it ruined my entire comedy and tattoo career simultaneously what was it the down syndrome tiger no it was it was a sopranos portrait of the fucking family how do we find this you don't all you have to do is... You remember the show... Bad Sopranos Tattoo? Remember Ron and Fez? Opie and Anthony? I'm asking you a different... But that's where it happened on the radio.

1:13:08Okay. It happened on... So how would we find it was the question. The guy I tattooed was Eastside Dave. If you type in Eastside Dave's tattoo, it immediately just fills it the fuck in because I ruined his life too. Right. And it's probably the worst. It looks horrible. So I did this. It was a radio promotion. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, my God. The beat is so bad. It's crazy. We're going to put it on the screen for those of you watching on YouTube right now. Holy shit. That's bad. No, they're not going to. Don't ever do that again, I told you. It doesn't work in-house. It's like only these four people are going to be like, go.

1:13:49This was a well-accomplished American traditional tattooer. That's what I've always done. No. But I was doing. No, it's. i don't believe you i'm second generation this i think your dad was probably good at it i think this is one of those things like you know michael jordan jr or whatever where it's like this was ollie sadiq i wish y 'all could see this fucking tattoo like frankenstein john lennon it's supposed to be the supreme the tattoo is funnier than anything this is what I say this section is disgusted there's people vomiting wow oh my god this is incredible this is great great podcasting everybody Redban on the ones and twos wow there it is Redban is retarded he can't do anything here we go Here he goes.

1:14:51All he has to do is turn an iPad around, everybody. Let's see how it goes there. There you go. People are just cheering Red Band being able to do the simplest of simples. What do you mean? What do you mean? I've been doing this 12 and a half years. I can turn an iPad around. Oh, man. I feel like this tattoo right now. All right. Rob, craziest thing about your life? Anything? Ali Sadiq? What do you think about this? You gotta be able to fight, because I would have beat the shit out of you. That wasn't just a normal... This is worse than what you even understand. It was a radio show, Ron and Fez.

1:15:39It was on right before Opie and Anthony on the radio, right? So after I did this, they roasted the fucking shit out of me. Do you understand? All my comedy heroes that I was looking at, like Jim Norton and Bob Kelly and Louis TK, every week would go on the show and pull up the picture of this tattoo and be like, what an amazing abortion this kid did. Yeah. Horrible. So, yeah, I just felt like I thought that would be nice to share with you guys. Well, it just happened again. Yeah. Yeah. I know. 20 years later, it's happening again to you on a big show. Rob, here's a little joke book, my friend.

1:16:16Thank you, sir. Sign up again. Thank you. Thank you. Try it again. Try it again sometime. Rob White. Holocaust denier, Rob White. Ooh la la. Oh my goodness gracious. The lovely Heidi. Saging the stage of the energy of Rob White and Dave the Butcher. Bringing us back to a time when we all felt like we were in show business. All right. Your next bucket pool, everybody. It's a promising name, believe it or not. I have a feeling about this one. Make some noise for Just Greg. Just Greg.

1:17:03What's up, everybody? I don't know about you guys, but I hate getting bad news. Sometimes I think, like, what if I got bad news in a fun, entertaining way, and then maybe I wouldn't mind it as much. Like, somebody would be like, hey, Just Greg, got some bad news for you, man.

1:17:29Your wife has one minute to live. And I'd be like, fuck yeah, yeah. That wouldn't be a bad way to get bad news, I don't think. You know what I'm talking about, man? Maybe your friend pulls up to your house like... I ran over your dog in the driveway.

1:17:51Fucking love that dog, man. Get me going for pancake.

1:18:00This is my impression of Donald Duck sneezing.

1:18:07This is my impression of Donald Duck having sex with a prostitute.

1:18:14All right, that's enough of that. All right. That was my time. Thank you, guys. Just Greg. Hell yeah. All right. Well, how long you been doing stand-up, Just Greg? Not long. Three years, sir. Three years. Okay. All of it in San Antonio?

1:18:36Could you tell? Really? No, sir. I started in El Paso, and then I just moved to San Antonio. So you do live in San Antonio? Yes, sir. How long ago did you move to San Antonio? About a year ago. Perfect. What do you do for work? I'm a stay-at-home dad. Wow, okay. Hell yeah. Thank you. I should have just said that. Amazing. How old are the kids? Six and eight. Were their first words?

1:19:09Something like that, yeah. Okay. You don't make money in any way? How does the baby mama bring home the bacon? She's a surgical technician. Oh, wow. That's a fancy, fancy, fancy terminology. How long have you been with her? 13 years. Okay. Look at that. How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom? Do you... I beatbox. Yeah. You beatbox while you eat box. Yes, sir. Incredible. Yes, sir. Absolutely amazing.

1:19:39Wow. Okay. And two kids, are you going to have more? Planning on it. Very small family for a San Antonio Latino family. Yeah, for a Hispanic, honestly. What's the most Latino thing about you? The most Latino thing about me? Probably my mustache. I don't know. Oh, okay. Just grows like that. Okay. You mow your own lawn? Fuck yeah. All right. Yeah, gas power, none of that electric shit. That's the answer, then. That's the most Latino thing about you, just to let you know. Yes, sir. I can cut a grass. Okay. What do you do for fun when you're not hanging with the kids or attempting comedy? I make videos on YouTube.

1:20:20About what? Beatboxing. You beatbox. So that's your thing. That's my thing. Okay. It's the best thing I can know how to do. The first punchline that you did, did you say your wife has one minute to live? Yes, I did. Okay, yeah. I don't think anybody really got that. I kind of heard it. But even then, it doesn't make sense because why would the doctor say? True. Okay. What about the second one, though? I think you should just be more on the nose like you have cancer. Something like that. No one would believe one minute to live. You know what I mean? Unless she's drowning or something.

1:20:57But she wouldn't. She's a good swimmer, right? Yeah, she could float. Oh, the horn players got that one. Look at that. Absolutely. Okay. Did you say six and seven, six and eight, the kids? Six and eight, yes, sir. Okay. They up to anything crazy? Good kids? Yeah, they're pretty funny. Funnier than me, for sure. Yeah, for sure. What do they do that's funny? They're just getting into arguments. They're kind of like roommates. The youngest one hates the oldest one because she's jealous of her. The other day she was like, oh, Elena says that she's getting boobies, so she needs to wear a bra. And I was like, well, that's a weird thing to bring up.

1:21:38and then I was like, well, it's fine. Just don't wear her bra. And she's like, but tell her. Tell her she doesn't have any boobies. That's what she was worried about. Wow. Pope Red Band has signified that he has an erection, everybody. Six and eight-year-old talking about boobies has Red Band very excited over here. Is that your thing? I would have him stand up and show you the erection, but it would turn into a home screen in front of his pants. All right. We're having fun here tonight. Greg, what's the craziest thing in the history of your life? What do you think makes you different than everybody else?

1:22:17I got a flu shot. I almost got paralyzed. Tell us more about that. So I got, there's like a thing, you know that those papers they give you when you get a flu shot that nobody reads? There's like a 10 ,000 cases a year that somebody gets Guillain-Barre, which is like, I get paralyzed, basically. And you felt it coming on? Yeah, like, it was weird because I still had to go to work, and they didn't send me to the neurologist until it went to the back of my throat, so I was, like, answering the phone, like, you know. Wow. I was in the Air Force. I was going to say that. Amazing. What type of work were you doing then?

1:22:53It's a job where I just inspect, like, life rafts and shit like that. Life rafts. Yeah. Were you helping people illegally cross the border? My family, mostly, yeah. All right. Do you ever get a flu shot, Tony? I don't really think so. Definitely not as an adult. How old were you when you did this? I was back in 2018, so I was like 27, 26. Yeah. I don't really do that. Even Red Band doesn't get the flu shot, as you could tell. No, don't do it. Here's a little joke book, Just Greg. There you go. Just Greg, everybody. Beatbox. Beatbox.

1:23:43make some noise for your next bucket poll everybody it's dr rabbit oh la la dr rabbit dr rabbit

1:23:58all righty so i do actually have a doctorate degree but if we're completely honest i am essentially just the Walmart version of legally blonde. But regardless, I still got a job at a college and you wouldn't know by looking at me, but it was actually at a black college. So yeah, I was a diversity hire. So I go by the stage name Dr. Rabbit for reasons that I thought were fairly obvious and also because all the really hot girls that are blonde seem to have already taking the name bunny so that was off the table but what i didn't expect was that the tiktokers were going to think that i chose rabbit for how i fuck rather than what i thought was the more obvious roast so oh no

1:25:02That's a minute. Sorry, I didn't know I was in that. That is a minute. The doctor is in. Dr. Rabbit. Hello, Dr. Rabbit. Hi. Oh, my goodness. Look at you. I love her. She looks like someone left their Barbie in the sun.

1:25:21Welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Well, this is it. But I've done, this is it, really. I've done a few stand-up nights, but not really anything. Okay. My rate my professor would say that my class is kind of, oh, sorry. My rate my professor would say that my class is kind of stand-up, but I mean. You're what professor? Ratemyprofessor.com. You can go read about. That's where you go rate college professors before you sign up for their classes. So she's a professor. Oh, yeah. Got it. Yeah. Got it. Okay. Okay. So you're a professor at a black college? Not anymore. Okay.

1:26:03What did you do at the black college other than scare the living shit out of people? I don't think I scared anybody, but I taught cultural diversity, believe it or not. Her class was called Get In.

1:26:22Wow. And can you give us a lesson here? Can you give us what it would look like if we showed up to your class? And just a, you know, like 10-second snippet of you as a professor. Usually I walk in, and I'm, like, trying to get the computer. Like, oh, actually do it? Yeah, do it. So I'm not good with technology, so usually I walk in, and then I'm, like, messing with the computer, and then I, like, say some words, and then they all laugh, and I say, please don't, like, report me. Please don't put that on my student eval. and I have to like overcompensate for it. But yeah, I don't know. Do what? You do your college professor thing just for 10 seconds.

1:27:04Just pretend like you're a college professor and I'll pretend like I'm a black college student. All right, hold on. Let's start. Okay, so I mean... Yeah. No.

1:27:21I only got a few months left of this shit.

1:27:28Spot on. Spot on. This bitch be looking like the bitch from Poltergeist.

1:27:38I'm learning studies from the motherfucking children of the corn up here. Honestly, I'm so painfully white that half the time I don't know what they're saying, or I didn't know what they were saying. Wow. I love that. And it brings me to the next segment of the show, Dr. Rabbit. What do you think is the blackest thing about you? Oh, um, I do have a black daughter, and I don't know who her father is. Oh! Oh!

1:28:23One of her students. May I clarify? Shit. She was adopted. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the crowd's upset that you adopted. They were all hoping that you got knocked up by one of your students, literally. No, no, nothing like that. That's not why I still don't work there. Just to be totally honest. Yeah. Just to be totally honest. it's not that you don't understand them because you're so white i don't understand them either i have a black son i don't know what the fuck he be talking about you look crazy as shit though

1:29:05you adopted a black child and you're a professor at a black university what's up with well i'm not anymore um but uh yeah well it doesn't sound like that um i did adopt a black child while I was at the black university. But I then left and went to an all-girls university. That's where I'm at now. Who is giving our children away? Fuck, man.

1:29:34Incredible. Do you only have one adopted child? Yeah, I guess her. Awesome. Those two of us, yeah. Okay, great. Awesome. How old is she? 14. 14. Amazing. So let me ask you this, because I'll bet you it did happen. My question is, did a lot of the guys at the colleges flirt with you? Because there's a lot of teacher-student hookups. I bet some laid it on pretty thick. Am I right? I don't know if I'm really the type that they go for. But, I mean, no. I'm kind of a pushover.

1:30:16Can you please hit the money sign?

1:30:28Bruh. I'm finna give me a Mustang.

1:30:44Amen. Oh no you are is the line of the night. It shall be sealed forever. That is incredible. Brought to you by ZipRecruiter's Shopify prize picks and open phone, Ali Sadiq's. Two new specials are at Ali Sadiq Comedy on YouTube. Holy shit. Okay, Dr. Rabbit. So what happened? Why did you leave the all-black college? She's got, if we're just completely honest, she's got a lot of special needs, and it was hard for me to do it completely on my own. So my parents were willing to step up, and she had been in seven foster homes. The adopted daughter? Yeah. Okay, I asked a different question. Oh, sorry.

1:31:29Why did I leave the college? I literally get left so that I could get help from my parents in Indiana to help raise her. Got it. Amazing. So she has special needs. What are those special needs? She needs a black mom. Okay. I mean, I'm not great at her hair. I'll be honest. But I try. It's on YouTube. It's on YouTube. I have a feeling I'm not going to have a job when I get back. No, you're great. You're great. um anyways but uh i don't even know what you asked uh what are the special needs of the adopted child yeah so she's got um pretty significant fetal alcohol syndrome um she came from foster care so i i gotta really reiterate that so they don't think it's me right exactly every time i go to the doctor i'm like she's adopted she's adopted and i kind of look like a jerk but then they see why i have to really emphasize that but um she does have an intellectual disability and some physical like she has seizures and stuff because of um the brain damage let me ask you a question yeah when you adopt a kid like that did you know that when you got it or did you like do you get a discount or something like how does that work exactly 30 off no no discount uh foster care is free um so yeah no uh it's foster care is free uh so i didn't ask for anything but um nice yeah i knew ahead of time so at any point someone could go like i want it no you gotta go through there's some hoops you gotta go through but yeah did she already like does the foster kids like you uh do you get to like is it like a dog do you get to like rename it or did was was was the kid named like whatever the original mom named it like hennessy or whatever yeah so that's a law that i really want them to change because at the age of 13 they can actually legally completely changed her name to whatever they wanted to be and hers almost became cardi b ariana grande bill and i was like we can't we can't do that and they're like telling me like legally you can't like coach her on what to name herself and i'm like we're gonna have we're gonna have a cardi b then i mean we can't do this but she kept her name and just changed her last name to mine thank god wow so you got a black child that want to be named after a puerto rican white lady yeah hey yeah she got special needs i mean if i was her i would have gone with tardy b to be honest with you we're having what do you mean this is kill tony

1:34:05nowhere else can you say tardy b all right i mean that would have been the moment special needs picking the name cardi b she's black okay it's a whole thing you're an angel you really are thank you and you're so likable and it's incredible dr rabbit what made you want to do this here tonight um i've just i don't know people have always told me that they think i'm funny and i was really self-conscious i was in a bad car accident when I was 16, then that's why my face kind of got destroyed. And I was really self-conscious, but people said I was funny, and so I'd kind of hide. And so what way to kind of re-immerse to the world by going on a Kiltonian.

1:34:54I love that. I love that. Michael Gonzalez has an interesting taste in blonde women he so if you're interested he's a professional rock and roll drummer this so here's a big joke book your interview was amazing you ready for it you got it you can do it ready oh no oh no oh there it is dr. rabbit ladies and gentlemen thank you dr. rabbit make some noise for everybody.

1:35:31We're having fun tonight. A lot of people using Kill Tony for therapy, by the way. A lot of people trying to face their social anxiety fears on this show. Let me remind you all, it's about stand-up comedy. And if you need help, Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and and psychiatrists that you can access any time. It's easy to get started. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get$80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter the promo code SPACE80. Right, Red Band? I love Talkspace!

1:36:08Thank you, Red Band. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Dimitri King, everybody. Dimitri King. Yeah.

1:36:21What's up, Austin? Then, where my weed smokers at? Man, you got to really watch what you smoke these days. I smoke this strain called Think About It. Yeah, Think About It. Messed up my whole day. I took two hits. And I thought to myself, I wonder what white people's favorite rap song to sing and say nigga when niggas ain't around. Because you know they got one. They at least got one that they scream on their way to work at 8 o 'clock in the morning. So I've compiled the top five songs that I believe white people say nigga when niggas ain't around. Number five.

1:37:03I'm just kidding, white people. I ain't gonna expose y 'all like that. No, no. I'd rather let you have a very weird conversation with your black friend the next time you get in the car and close the door and the radio turns on. And he looks over at you and goes, the fuck do you be singing in here? That's my time. Okay, Dimitri King. We didn't even get any examples. I was excited to hear the N-word.

1:37:36What's your favorite time to say the N-word? Usually when I wake up. Same. Dimitri, how long have you been on stand-up? So technically 10 years, but I just came back on stage for the first time after eight years. Okay. Wow. So you did it for two years and then took an eight-year break. Exactly. Why the lunch break there, Dimitri? A little bit, a little bit.

1:38:04Okay. Normally when someone does something and comes back... Sounds like my father. Yeah. Come on now. You know niggas don't come back. Dimitri, what do you do for work?

1:38:21I'm actually a founder of a tech company. Whoa. A founder of a tech company. What exactly is this tech company? It's called Market Match. So it's a fun way to do market research and surveys using swipe technology. Wow. You're a founder. Do you make a lot of money from that? I'm starting to. Oh, my goodness. What are we talking about? Like, how much money? I mean, we ain't going to say all that. Yeah, why not? No, I'm good. Come on. I'm good. It's a fun show. Like, what do you make a month? Oh, it ain't that fun. I don't feel like getting robbed for fun. You have it, you carry, you take it all and you turn it into cash and you keep it on you?

1:38:55You don't have to have cash to get robbed. Okay. All right. Fun answer. Dimitri, what do you, you have a wife, girlfriend? Yeah, I have a wife. What does she do? She's an executive assistant for a startup. Okay. Look at you guys. Founder, executive assistant for a startup. Amazing. You have kids? I do. How many kids? Just one kid. How old's the kid? He's six. Six. So that's why you stopped? Mm-hmm. He's retarded. He gave it up for adoption. Okay. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Did someone read her my bio before I came up here? What's going on? Yes. So, Dimitri, what do you do for fun? This. Other than this?

1:39:46I just go out and hang with my friends. It's usually about it, traveling. What scares you? What are you scared of? You seem very comfortable on stage. I would say... Dolphins, perhaps. Yeah. No, I want you to think of your own answer. Thank you, Red Band. It was totally worth it.

1:40:09I would say standing up here and not getting a single laugh. That might be the scariest thing ever. Wow, you'd be amazed how many people faced your fears tonight. It happened a bunch, Dimitri. Dimitri King, any relation to Martin Luther? Not that I know of. Okay.

1:40:29Maybe Martin Phillips. Oh. All right. Dimitri King. Most interesting thing about your life? I just started my business, and, you know, I'm looking to bring it out to the world. That's about it. Okay. Anything at all? Anything interesting about your life other than the business? A little fun fact about Dimitri King. Like, for example, you once almost died or you saved somebody's life. So, actually, yeah, I actually almost died. I'm diabetic, and I found out by being diabetic by basically being put in ICU. And I should have died, but I did not. Okay. My sugar was so high that I should have died, but I did not die, and luckily I'm here in front of you.

1:41:17That's everybody black. Yeah. Incredible. I believe it's called Kool-Aids. Great. What did you have or consume that put your blood sugar into such a precarious position? Chocolate milk. Wow. Wow. That is incredible. Did you make the chocolate milk yourself? Did you mix the syrup in, or did you pre-buy it already mixed? Chocolate milk. Red Band loves this question. It's a good question. It is. You can control the amount of chocolate if you have the Hershey's thing, so it's a good one. Oh, no, it was the Dutch boarded chocolate milk. It was the premixed. Well, we boarded it very well. Very interesting.

1:42:00I was fancy that day. Tommy, can I give you a fun fact? Yeah. About chocolate milk? Oh, please. I only drink it if I have somebody pregnant. Why? I don't know what it is. I know if somebody's pregnant by me, that's when I start drinking fucking chocolate milk. any other time I hate the shit I didn't drink chocolate milk nine times that's how many kids you have exactly other than that I don't fuck with it all white milk buddy that is incredible amazing what an interesting fun fact chocolate milk do you drink it Ollie when you drink it when your girl's pregnant do you drink it straight out of her breast

1:42:45that's where it comes from right you're right you're right you did almost get murdered by chocolate milk that is an amazing fun fact they said I had a 2 % chance of living whoa hell yeah okay my goodness Dimitri All right. Ask him if he's related to Bernard King. Are you any relation to Bernard King? Bernard King? What about Rodney King? Junior Junior. Who? Junior Junior. Rodney King Junior Junior. Okay. I don't even know. I'm still bombing. It's fucking terrible. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. That's what happens when you go on an eight-year hiatus, you know? Did you do any, did you think of any of the jokes that you did from the first 10 years?

1:43:38I did. And what happened to those? Those jokes were good, but they were older. So I was like, I figured I'd try something new. Oh, so your jokes don't stand the test of time. I guess not. Okay. I'm done interviewing him. Like milk, they expire quickly.

1:43:56Dimitri, fun times. Here's a medium-sized joke book, my friend. Whoa. Whoa. You can't fucking catch! The only one of the night to not catch. Oh! Wow. Two miscatches. Let it be known that Dr. Rabbit caught her joke book in a stunning turn of events. Nobody thought it was possible. Meanwhile, the 6 '5 black man avoided the joke book like it was a couplet of chocolate milk. Absolutely incredible. One more time for Dimitri King. I very rarely get to use the word couplet on this show, and I'm excited I got it in. that was on your bingo card, you just won a billion dollars. Okie dokie, we're having fun.

1:44:36We're in a silly mood tonight. There was weed going around in the green room. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Mason Bird. It is time for Mason Bird.

1:44:55I have the mindset of an NFL quarterback when I have sex. If I go three and out one more time, they're gonna put in the black guy.

1:45:12And they should. The black guys can do spin moves in the pussy. I'm much more of a pocket pussy passer. My pocket presence is crazy, dude. No, I don't use a pocket pussy. I know what I look like. I know I look like I know serial numbers. Is that the X-472? Not sloppy enough for me, dude. There's a lot of double standards in this life. Like, if a guy likes trains, he's autistic. But if a girl likes trains, she's the coolest girl ever, dude.

1:46:04Mason Bird. Fantastic, Mason. You've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. And you were funny last time. Thank you very much. You're a funny guy. How long have you been doing it? Three years next week. And you're from where? Detroit. Detroit. And you live here now? Yes, sir. Hell yeah. You're doing great, Mason. What do you do? How do you make money? Right now, I'm at Jersey Mike's still. Absolutely. Yeah, dude, I know how to make sandwiches, man. Fuck yes. So do 100 % of the people in the room. It's incredible. You take the fucking bread, you put the shit on it, and then you put the other piece of bread on top.

1:46:43Unbelievable work, Mason Bird. How many times have you been in the ICU for your diabetes? Completely healthy young man. Never. I don't have diabetes. I'm certain I'm close. but I'm... You said completely healthy? Somebody get Dr. Rabbit back out of us, as you can see him. I'm an athletic fat, alright? Yeah. What kind of athletics do you do, exactly? I play basketball, I lift weights, I swim sometimes. Yeah. But yeah, I'm a dom... I'm an athlete. Do a squat, John D says. Whoa, look at that. Oh, my God. Wow. Damn, they fell into that drumstick. Yeah, exactly. We just got a tsunami in the Philippines.

1:47:44My goodness. Mason Bird talking about being bad at sex, being replaced. Three and out. Are you really bad at sex, Mason? I'm good at sex. What are some of your big moves in the bedroom? I like to pin a girl against the wall with consent, of course.

1:48:05Adding the word consent makes it a little bit creepy. Yeah. I feel like any room you're in, the girl's pinned against the wall. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So you put her up against the wall, and then what exactly would you do? Because there's space in between. Yeah, so you've got to create space, right? So you put the legs by the ankles, kind of like a really weird V situation. When you say put the legs by the ankles, legs are on top of ankles already. All right, sorry, put the ankles on top of your shoulders is what I meant to say. Ah, oh yes, creating the V formation, the old flying V. Old quack quack, the mighty ducks, mighty ducks reference.

1:48:50There's a man losing his mind in the middle of the room right now. There's a fear of the mighty ducks, and he's having a mental breakdown. Talk space. Use the code SPACE80. He seemed to have a lot of competition with black men, too, in the bedroom. What's up with that? I think every white guy does. You know, like, fat women like me, and they also like black guys. Ah, yes. No, we like them. Hit the money sign. Change.

1:49:26Well, if you get them wet enough, you don't have to worry about the black guys swimming in it. All right, fuck you guys. Don't do the thing. I'm going to pee again. Oh, no. So you mostly hook up with bigger women? Yeah, pretty big girls, sometimes black women. Ooh, tell us about your experience with black women. It's like the thing where black guys like fat women. They kind of look like black women like fat white men. Whoa, I have never heard this before. They're very aggressive to me, Tony. They're very... They're like, what you doing later, big boy? Whoa. Hell yeah. And then they find out you make sandwiches.

1:50:07Get the fuck away from me, big boy. They call me big boy. They want it, for sure. Oh, shit. Wow. Okay, so tell us about your experiences with black women. Have you noticed that what's different between having sex with a black woman than a white woman? They're a lot more bossy. They tell you what they want. And like I've heard it before on the show, but it is warmer. It is. Yes. Can you give some examples of what black women have bossed you around to do in the bedroom? Lift up your belly.

1:50:49Rub it. Eat this pussy. big boy.

1:50:55That looks like the only thing you don't eat. Am I right? I mean, like... You a good pussy eater? I don't know if I'm good at it. I don't get a lot of opportunities. Do you have to put it between two pieces of bread to be able to enjoy it? He has some black woman left on his shirt. Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh, my goodness gracious. Mason Bird. You see your parents are back up in Detroit They alive? Mom alive, dad dead What happened to dad? Cirrhosis of the liver Red band Our chief cirrhosis of the liver correspondent Even the liver was black Oh my goodness gracious She always said something black would take him out It just was his liver Y 'all gonna stop blaming shit on us

1:51:48in detroit they are all right

1:51:55mason incredible stuff so fun do you have any other hobbies other than stand up and making sandwiches um i like to go at walks in the middle of the night uh oh okay it's not anything weird not anything weird i just i feel safe in the middle of the night fucking peeping tom Oh. What else? I have a cat. I like to feed my cat. I like to make her fat, too. Oh, okay. What's the cat's name? Clover. Oh. But I call her Stinky for the most part. Stinky? Yeah. Wow. Sorry. Okay. You sleep with the cat? She can crawl into the bed sometimes, but sometimes not. You get confused as shit. His name is Clover. Come here, Stinky.

1:52:37Stinky.

1:52:41um i like uh i i uh i like going to strip clubs sometimes oh okay all right what do you tend to do with the strip club uh the first time i went to a strip i went with my father um and he kind of showed me the way uh it's just following his footsteps um i like to go in you know get a laugh dance and uh be awkward with the strippers just be most awkward moment you've ever had with hold let's check in with alice see that's not a black woman in this shirt that's a stripper ah that is true stripper juice ladies no doubt about it we've seen this before what's the most awkward moment you've ever had with a stripper uh i try to walk up to a lady for like 45 seconds and awkwardly like walk trying to give her money and it was i just kept walking away awkwardly and the security got called like what's this guy steal and then they were scared because i was bigger than them and uh more security showed up.

1:53:36And then they let me keep hanging out, actually. It was the weirdest. He actually does lap band dances. Do you have any plans on losing the weight? Yes, I actually got a Gold's Gym membership last time I've been on. Wow. Haven't gone yet. You haven't gone yet. It's just$30 a month I'm eating. He loves eating. How come you haven't gone yet? Laziness. I guess fear of inadequacy. Ooh. Proper answer. Yeah, like I guess I'm just afraid to be embarrassed at the gym by jack guys. Yeah. Fuck those guys, right? No, I'm just... You're jack too. Jack in the box. Mason, fun times. Congratulations. You did it again.

1:54:28You already have a big joke book, right? Yes, sir. There he goes. Mason Bird, ladies and gentlemen. And that is the bucket portion of the show. Now, it's an interesting one tonight, ladies and gentlemen, because I must inform you that William Montgomery is on a very rare vacation with his family. Yes, very rare. And Ari Matty is sick. Came back from the road, and he's sick. Look, Hans Kim is stuck, locked in a sushi restaurant right now. And Cam Patterson is yet again filming another movie, a wild success story. So you might be wondering, what the hell people are saying? There's Latino men wearing sunglasses going, what the hell?

1:55:15Literally, right now. So, closing tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, a very, very polarizing figure in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long-awaited return of Uncle Lazor.

1:55:50Yo, we got any trans people in here? I'm still gonna fucking talk about y 'all what's up hey listen uh I got invited to a drag brunch the other day okay that's not the funny part sir uh but I know what you're thinking same thing I was thinking like bottomless mimosas NASCAR count me in you know and I get there it's bottomless mimosas but it's but like post-op pit crew dressed up like Mrs. Doubtfire okay their wieners tucked under lady gaga's i was born this way i'm just like you weren't born that way you know you weren't but i get about 16 goddamn mimosas deep i forgot where it was and your boy got ready to risk it all on a girl named peter okay and me and peter started fucking sexing back and forth and i'm a shooter so I led with a dick pic got one back and I was like what's that she goes that's before I said what's after and she's like well you know I'm post-op my wiener done been repaired into a lady's vagina and I said well that's not Christian you know and y 'all ever seen a wiener that's been turned into a vagina y 'all ever reheat lasagna in the microwave for too long

1:57:12Oh my God. But y 'all ever been inside a wiener that's been repaired in two wounds vagina? a lot shallower than you think it is a lot more shallower it's like you ever cannonball into a kiddie pool and scrape your knee on the concrete my name is Uncle Lazer with the bang all the regulars had something so promising and boom you know what i mean we all we always watched them be good and then keep learning their voice and focusing harder when you started on this show you were nothing more than a funny character you weren't a real comedian there was no definitive moments of actual punches there was just a bunch of silly funny stuff happening and no big bangs throughout the minute.

1:58:23And you've worked it out. You've been going on the road. You've done everything that a working comedian can possibly do. And it is amazing to watch your growth on the show. Absolutely incredible fucking performance. I think my favorite that you've ever had on this show. Thank you, Tony. But in real time, I mean, that's what's incredible about this art form is the people that really apply themselves, you get growth, you see results. So that's amazing. I mean, you could go back all the way to the first Uncle Lazer appearance and you would go, what the fuck is going on here? And then here you are, the character that you've always had is defined and you're working.

1:59:04And it's funny throughout. And it's still your silly, weird, like, meth-y fucking white trash tone. So you're still on brand, but it's amazing that that was very funny, Uncle Lazer. How's life going? Fucking terrible.

1:59:24Tell us more. So you know I got a problem with the homeless. Yeah. It's been stated on this show, and they must be at the public library seeing all the shit I'm talking about on social media, because I got my goddamn car stolen out of my driveway the other day by a couple homeless people, and I fucking recovered it, and they took a big, creamy shit in the back, and homeless shit smells different than regular shit. It smells like it wants to borrow some change, you know? And... But then, you know, I recovered the motherfucker, and to make matters worse, and then about a couple hours later, I get a call.

1:59:59Because a while back on this show, I told you, I got my merch stolen in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and couldn't locate it. Well, it's been located, okay? And a detective from the Santa Fe Police Department called me. He said, are you Uncle Lazer? And I said, this is him. He said, man, we located your merch. I was like, cool. like where's that can come pick it up goes well now it's part of investigation uh we set up a sex child predator sting and nine fucking homeless dudes came in your merch shirts to meet this 13 year old girl at the house and i'm like god damn's right fucking d madness it try having your face on the motherfucking shirt when they're coming to do all that shit so i don't know man You know, we're just out here.

2:00:43Wow. So your merch is basically the Yankee jerseys of pedophiles. That's incredible. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. And, you know, just the regular... I met some dominators there in Vancouver this past weekend. Okay. And, you know, I'm always up for whatever. And I had these two of them. They fucking tag-teamed me and tied me up in a goddamn closet, hung me upside down. jerk me off to on a repeat to Ozzy Osbourne's Mr. Crowley and you know and Tony you ever had anything ever put in your ass before surprisingly not okay shockingly not well I have okay and let me tell you first and foremost fellas there's a g-spot in your asshole okay and if activated correctly okay you will ejaculate a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch.

2:01:39Wow. It's got the viscosity of fix-a-flat. It can fix any tire in town, I'm sure of it. And, you know, sometimes I'm just thinking I should just wear sleeves. But here we are. You know, here we are. Red Band has a confused look on his face. He absolutely loves Hidden Valley Ranch. And he's now wondering if that will work if he ever orders fries and they forget, Postmates forgets his ranch on this side. He's... Have you ever put a finger in your own ass, Tony? No. Never, never. You didn't even go through the first water line? Nope. No. I have no interest in that. In the shower, not once. Have you?

2:02:18Is that what you're saying? I think every guy at least once in the shower is like, let's just see what it's about. Make some noise, gentlemen, if you put a finger in your ass. Hell yeah! All right. What a bunch of shy bitches!

2:02:33God, Red Band. Jesus Christ. Hi, man. Happy birthday. It is Red Band's birthday. How many of you think we should shove a birthday candle up his ass and light it right now? Those sweet butter cakes. All right. Uncle Lazer, so great. Unbelievable set. Congratulations. Congratulations. Fantastic to watch your growth in real time. It is possible, people. If you don't believe me, go watch Uncle Lazer's first three sets on this show. First seven. People hated me. They were furious with me, but we were friends, and we had a lot of mutual friends back then, and I knew you were funny, and now you're showing it in real time on stage.

2:03:24Incredible. Can I shake his hand real quick? I'm a big fan of him. He's never touched a black guy. This is very exciting. Look at that, everybody. Yeah, I'm from, like, Richmond, Rosenberg. I spent a lot of time in Mo City. Like, Zero's my favorite goddamn rapper, so I didn't know that. I didn't know he was from Houston, so. H-Town, hold me down, motherfucker. Oh, my God. Wow. Thank you, Tony. There he is, everybody. Uncle Lazer trying to up his street cred before getting off. There he goes.

2:04:00How loud can this place get for Ali Sadiq and Kim Congdon, huh? Ali Sadiq's new special. Two new specials just dropped. Ali Sadiq Comedy on YouTube. He's on tour at AliSadiq.com. That's S-I-D-D-I-Q. Ali, you made me laugh so fucking hard tonight. Absolutely incredible. Unbelievable. One more time for the great Kim Congdon. Twelve and a half years of being Kill Tony royalty, to one of the original regulars. TimCongdon.com for tickets to Nashville, Tacoma, Charlotte, Fort Wayne, Dallas. It's all happening, people. Thank you to ZipRecruiter, Shopify, PrizePix, and OpenFone. The drawing from Ryan J.

2:04:40Ebeld is in. It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Ooh, James McCann with ice cream. Alright, that's a special one. Alright. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, I'm Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muelling, John Dees, and D Madness Red Band. Check out the Secret Show every Thursday. Sunset Strip ATX. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

2:05:08Good night, everybody.

2:05:34The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:06:04heart

2:06:25Thank you.