#733 - ROB SCHNEIDER + DONNELL RAWLINGS

19:25They're really fun.

19:26Brian Redban:Nice. That sounds like fun. So that happens at bars and stuff. No, it's a brick and mortar. A lot of company team building exercises, and then a lot of bachelorette parties and people at night and just hanging out. It's a fun thing. What's the craziest thing that's ever happened at one of these tapings of yours? I was producing for a game and someone threw a mostly full beer can at the person that was hosting and then that baller was like, nah, we're gonna keep going. We're not kicking them out. We're not ruining this person's birthday. That was pretty ridiculous. A lot of people make their name tags because you gotta have like a fake pretend game show name.

20:03A lot of people make their name like a slur. Okay. A racial slur? Oh, no, the other type. I'm just checking. Yeah, the regular ones. N-word doesn't mean neighbor. Okay, go ahead. No, we've recently had to start screening people for the N-word specifically. Sorry about that. Did I laugh too hard? Are you really? Did I laugh too hard at that? First of all, you're very professional. You can tell that you have very good, your voice, you're very confident up there. Thank you. Now, you don't have to end with this. It's just a suggestion, but you could. you could have a ferret come out of your ass and just putting it out there.

20:42Now, these are just professional suggestions, but I want to thank you. I want to thank you, and I do think for not showing your stretch marks because I do think there was a curiosity, at least from this side of the room. No ditty. No ditty. No ditty. How dare you. I'm just saying, these are just suggestions. This is my first time on the show, so I don't know how far I'm supposed to go with these.

21:04Brian Redban:I love it. I love it. Rob Schneider, by the way, is on tour. I don't want to give away what his closer might be, but...

21:15Brian Redban:Tickets are at robschneider.com. Pretty sure you can watch him pull a parrot out of his ass. I'm like 85 % sure right now that show ends with a bang, dude. So Rob is on my soundboard at work. I'm sure you can imagine what the button is. It's the You Can Do It button. It's cool to meet you, man. Adam Sandler's calling. I don't know. What's the button? No, no. You can do it. Oh, you can do it. Okay. That was cool. Yeah! Hell yeah. Right on. Thank you for that. Hey, thank you. Very good, man. All right. Shut up. All night long. Wake her ass up. We got to win tomorrow.

21:54Brian Redban:Brandon, what do you do for fun? Tell us something crazy about your life or something. You're in the interview part of Kill Tony. You've had some time to think about it since last October. Yeah, for sure. I'm a huge dork. I love anime. I love Transformers. I got a little Autobot. Whoa. Okay. I play Smash Brothers for money. Wow. Which is fun. Yeah, a lot of women. Smash Brothers. That sounds like something in Atlanta. Yeah.

22:21Brian Redban:Yeah. Yes. Done, bro. Ass Brother. Yeah. From three. Get this ferret out of my ass.

22:33but I had a lot of fun this weekend I was working on a friend's show called the Hamburger Club a comedy game show at the Creek in the Cave okay and I had to shout them out it's a great format super fun they'll be back in Austin for sure okay well I'm sorry it was just the best comedy thing I was a part of in a long time it was cool you're a pro you've got a great technique great mic technique I think you should dress up I'm not saying gay bullfighter for you necessarily yeah but I think you know that would be a good thing. I agree. I can do a button down. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that. Real pro, man.

23:06You're going to do great.

23:06Brian Redban:Yeah, that's like a free t-shirt that you got from a Greenlawn family restaurant. Whoa, whoa, whoa. They don't sell these. I had to ask for this from my favorite diner before I moved out of New York. You are the shout-out king. Can I tell you that? Yo, it is... If they see one extra customer from this, I would be very surprised. No, it's just wearing something that gives the audience the feeling that you give a fuck, you know, is one of the things. I mean, that's what... Can I add, Rob, can I add to that? And I agree with you 100%, right? Like, the way you look. And I was gonna wear a suit today, right?

23:39Yeah. I was like, just because as comedians, we got the flexibility to do whatever we want. A lot of times people dress down. But I understand what you're saying about the importance of it. But I didn't want to wear a suit because I didn't want people like this. He's probably gonna walk off and go to court in that same suit. So that's the only reason.

23:55Brian Redban:No doubt about it. Brandon, did you get a big joke book last time you were on? A little one? Well, guess what, Brandon? A little upgrade for you. It's a big one. Brandon LaCaruba was your first Bucket Pool of the night. And here we go. We're playing with fire. Pure momentum as we come into Bucket Pool number two. We're going to keep it moving right along. This is a minute uninterrupted for Eric Bell, ladies and gentlemen. Eric Bell.

24:29Any fans of foreplay in the crowd tonight? Yeah, I like a little bit of foreplay. Guys, ever heard of Irish dirty talk? Yeah? It's when you're both in bed, right? And she's already asleep, but you're having trouble getting to sleep. So you tap her gently on the shoulder and say, Are you awake? and before she can answer you're already in

25:01hey hey i also have a version of that for you ladies okay ladies if you're in bed with your man uh he's falling asleep but you're awake um you could just lean over to the side table open the drawer grab something out of it tap him on the shoulder and say are you awake and before he answers you're already inside him

25:30okay

25:31Brian Redban:Eric Bell ladies and gentlemen listen special kind of I just want to say I don't think a ferret wants to go in your asshole first of all that's one two I don't know if rape jokes are quite back yet, but it's an interesting area that could be opening soon. And you're there early. That's all I'm saying. Very early.

26:09Brian Redban:You have arrived early indeed to that one. He looks like the poster boy for, what's that called? Cuckhole? What is that? Something like that. Like, oh, you can fuck my wife on her birthday. He just looks like the poster child for that guy. That is some creepy material you have there, Eric Bell. How long you been doing stand-up? Two years. Where at? Central Texas, Bell County. Okay. Yeah, you never heard of it. Okay. And what do you do for work up there? I am a medical courier. What exactly does that mean? Well, I drop off... Well, I pick up medical specimens such as...

26:51Uh, uh, uh. Gotta do this before I do my show. I got five minutes. Uh, do it for Diddy. Uh, uh. Bad boys.

27:05Brian Redban:I think I have an image of what you do for a living now. Oh, Jesus. A courier, huh? Yeah. Okay, how long you been doing that for? Uh, four months. I want a special delivery. Sorry.

27:24I was just going off what you were doing. That wasn't mine. That was his.

27:29Brian Redban:That works for anything. Four months of transporting bodily fluids. What were you doing before that? What were you doing five months ago? Auto parts. Auto parts. Wow. It's all over the place. Oh, my God. What made you want to get into the medical courier business? They just paid four bucks more an hour. Okay. Wow. Were you a good mechanic? I'm like a C-plus mechanic. What does that mean? I kind of middling. I could change oils, rotors, brake pads, you know, just middling shit. Okay. How did you learn how to do all that? You have a dad growing up? Yeah. Yep. Grandfather had a lot of antique cars and shit.

28:14Okay. Are you ever transporting a kidney sometimes and you go, you know what? I'm just going to stop and have a beer first before I do it. I did have a co-worker that had to transport a human leg.

28:25Brian Redban:Whoa. What was that for? Where were they taking the leg? She didn't tell me. She quit. Wow. But she had one leg. She couldn't just walk off.

28:37I think you got an area here for jokes that you could use, my friend, with your own life right there instead of, you know, with the wife putting something up the man's ass. Yeah. Rape jokes, thumbs down. Yeah.

28:50Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah. I think I think the audience responded appropriately to the material. Exactly. No means no. Not really. You got some no's like this, Tony. No. I'm going right through that no. I don't know I still don't understand where were they taking this leg? No, first of all is no, is it no papi, no papi that's the difference papi, no papi that's a yes for me that's a yes that's a clear yes and maybe even a little choking in there shout out to Shannon Sharp

29:45Brian Redban:Where were they taking this leg? I can't get it off my mind. Is there a leg transplant or something? Yes, I assume it was. A leg transplant? I assume it was. Is that a fucking thing? I've never heard of such a thing. I mean, like I said, she quit, so I didn't get to hear the whole story. No, that was a movie. They were bringing it over. One of my movies, Deuce Bigelow. We had the leg. This is incredible. A leg. Like, from the knee down, Do you know how big the leg was? We didn't get into a lot of specifics. Was there a thigh involved? Leg, thigh? I don't want to make Donnell hungry over here. Leg, thigh.

30:22In my community, that's called diabetes. Leg, thigh. Was there any waffles included with that? Waffles and the thigh. So no rape jokes, but moderately racial jokes.

30:33Brian Redban:No, your rape jokes are completely insane. Our jokes are 100 % fan approved. your shit is frightening I'll retire it it's unbelievable Eric tell us something crazy about your life before I get you out of here I'm a songwriter what kind of songs do you write medical songs rate me rate me my friend mostly songs about my ass she said no she said no I said yes She said no, she said no, she said no. She said no, she said no, I said yes. She said no, she said no, she said no. She said no, I said bitch, yes!

31:26Brian Redban:What kind of songs do you write? I don't, mostly songs about my ex. Okay. Do you have a song about your ex that you'd like to do right now? Actually, we're going to go for broke here. Yes, I do. Okay. I don't write my own music, though. None of that hack bullshit. So what are you saying? What does that mean? Well, I take our existing music and just kind of sing my own lyrics. Just sing, nigga. Yes. Damn. Just do it. Sorry, Tony. Band, don't play with them. Let them die. I meant neighbors. Sing, neighbor. That's how you guys. Do you guys remember the music? Just sing. Just sing the fucking song.

32:03You and these questions. My God. All right, Tegan, this one's for you. To the tune of Lone Ranger. Sing, bitch. Suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a big fat dick. Suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a big fat dick.

32:15Brian Redban:All right, I'm going to stop you right there. You don't write shit. That's not songwriting. Oh, boo. Here's a little joke book, Eric. Congratulations, you got pulled out of the bucket. You were the second bucket pull of the night, Eric Bell. I want to do something fun right now. Donnell had an amazing opener with him all weekend, and we got to hang out. We had some drinks together, and all of us were listening to music, having a good old time. I want to give this guy a little bit of stage time. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Adrian Washington, ladies and gentlemen.

32:57Anybody got nieces and nephews? You don't know their real name? Like, I come from a big family. I got, like, 40 nieces and nephews that I know about, right? One of my sisters called me one day. She said, Adrian, I'm running late. Can you swing by the school? pick the kids up for me. I said, yeah, sis, don't worry, I got you. I was excited, because they didn't know I was coming, so I wanted to surprise them. I got to the school, and the principal was like, hey, who you here to get? I said, uh... That is a very good question, sir. I said, uh, I gotta step outside and make a phone call. Because I was like, there's no way I can tell this man I'm here to pick up Fat Daddy and Bug.

33:35But I tell this motherfucker I'm picking up Fat Daddy and Bug, They gonna call CPS on my motherfucking ass. I walked outside, I called my sister, I said, hey, who are these niggas that I'm looking for? And another time I was coming off the road and my wife called me, she said, hey, what you want me to take out for dinner? I said, them titties, just like that. Didn't think twice. I heard my daughter say, oh, dad. True story. My wife said, yeah, you on speakerphone. I said, why you ain't say that when I answer the fucking phone? You know I ain't speakerphone material, right? But as a parent, you gotta try to fix it.

34:06So I was like, hey, put my baby on the phone. My daughter got on the phone all awkward and shit. She's like, yeah, dad. All I had was this. I was like, hey, listen up. I said, one day, somebody gonna say that shit to you. I said, we just hope you don't fucking live with us when it happens. Thank y 'all very much.

34:22Brian Redban:Fuck yeah. Adrian Washington. Fantastic. He's a pro. Out of the great state of Minnesota, correct? Adrian, Minnesota, right? Yes, yes, sir. Welcome, welcome to the Kill Tony universe. It's great that Donnell travels all around the world with his own stuntman. I knew I shouldn't have wore these fucking glasses. No, no, no. No, no, no. I got ashes all over my hands. I'll do it. I'll walk the fuck off. I'll do it. I grabbed Donnell by the elbow. Now it looks like my hand is burned. You are the ashiest human. Can we get some lotion? Hi, do you have any lotion? Tony, here's the good part. My preference is being yours.

35:06Rob Schneider. Here's the good part. If Donnell walks off, I'll just take that seat. Your audience won't know the difference.

35:13Brian Redban:Let's check in with Rob, our chief ferret correspondent. Now, you're from Minnesota? I'm originally from Mississippi, but Minnesota's been home for very long. Minnesota? Yeah. It's changed so much with immigration. I mean, Minneapolis has so many Haitians now, it doesn't even resemble Somalia anymore.

35:36Rob done his homework. Yeah, they are.

35:39Brian Redban:You hang out with any of the Haitians at all? Nah, I like niggas I understand. They scare us too, white people. You know what I mean? They're not eating pets, the Haitians, but they are considering it. So what's going on in life up there, Adrian Washington? I'm, uh, we empty nesters now, man. Like, so we just fuck wherever we want to. So I love that part. Like, yeah, everybody's like, is it weird not having your kids home? Fuck no, I don't fuck with my kids like that. Wow. Kids think we need them. My daughter said something smart to me one day, and I said, I'll fuck you up. And she was like, ooh, you gonna go to jail too?

36:22I was like, guess we've been to jail before, bitch. That's what they need to know.

36:28Brian Redban:I was just admiring D Madness doing his Donnell Rawlings impression there for a second. if you guys saw that. He'll be chilling outside of the fire department in no time. This is called bullying now, Tony. This is abusive and enough is a fucking enough, okay? Adrian, I love it. So all your kids are fully grown. Yeah, my youngest just turned 18, man. Just got his license. He's graduated on the dean's list. I got a son that'll be fucking 30 next week. Wow. So they're all out of the house. All out of the house, bro. My daughter lives a little too close. So she thinks she can just swing by any time.

37:03I'm like, get that key up, motherfucker. I got to call you before I come to your house, but you can just swing over anytime. My wife's super dope. I've just made 11 years married. You know what I'm saying? So, yeah. I got a fucking dog who changed my life five years ago. So, like, I love him way more than I love the kids. It's dope.

37:21Brian Redban:That happens. That happens. What do you do for fun, Adrian? Comedy, man. Like, just live. Like, honestly, like, I'm getting up there, man. And I've been doing this for a long time. So this is super dope because where I live, there wasn't comedy. So I started comedy where I live at. You know what I mean? I started my own company. That's actually how I met Donnell. I booked him to come there. And I actually met Red Band like eight, nine years ago. And I ended up hosting for him at a club. He's the best thing in Minneapolis or Minnesota. I appreciate that, bro. Is he more interesting than you?

37:55That was just a question.

37:57Brian Redban:I love it. How do people find more of your work, Adrian? I'm on Instagram, funnymanadrianw. That's Funny Man Adrian W. There's some other nigga who just want to be Funny Man Adrian. You got to put a W.

38:12Adrian, I love it. And I got a... This is my company, One Mic Entertainment. So my website's on here. FunnyManAdrian.com, man. Austin, you guys have been fucking dope. Hell yeah. Great stuff. I appreciate it. Thank you.

38:24Brian Redban:Make some noise for Adrian Washington, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one. We go back to the bucket. No, come on, no. Oh, no.

38:40Brian Redban:Oh, my goodness. They really didn't know the difference. It is incredible. The resemblance is striking. Stop it! Y 'all really do look alike. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Jose Ayala, everybody. Jose.

39:07Yo, what up, Kelton? How you guys doing? Hell yeah, hell yeah. I'm pretty happy, even though, yeah, even though I don't look too happy, you know. I'm pretty fucking happy, yeah. Yeah, I've been dating a lot lately, you know. I've been dating a lot of Latinas, you know. You guys fuck with Latinas? Fuck yeah. Yeah, I date Latinas only, not because I'm a traditional Mexican. I just like the way their mustache tickles my mustache when we kiss. That shit's dope as fuck. You feel me? No? Just me? Yeah, you feel me? Fuck yeah. No, no, yeah. Fuck it. No, yeah. It reminds me of home. It really does. You feel me?

39:46Yeah, I fucking miss my dad. You know? Yeah, my dad fucking hates me telling that joke. He tells me all the time. He tells me, hey, Jose, can you stop telling that joke? But he tells me in Spanish so it sounds more passionate, so he goes, Jose, you know? And I go, of course I can stop telling that joke, but you got to stop biting my lip when we kiss, you motherfucker. Yeah, he's leaving marks. The fuck. My name is Jose Ayala. You guys have been wonderful.

40:16Brian Redban:Jose Ayala. Welcome. Have you been on this show before, Jose? No, never been on. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Hey, what's up? You are sweating bullets. Yeah. Look at you. First time. He must think it's about to be an ice raid up here.

40:33Home Depot's been vacant for the last six months.

40:35Brian Redban:Come on. Amazing stuff, Jose. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Three years. What do you do for work? I'm a bartender, actually. Okay. That's believable. Believable. Huh? Yeah. Here on 6th Street? Yeah, I'm at Cheers Shop Bar down the street. Oh, wow. They said I get$100 if I call them out. Wow, look at that. Amazing.

41:05I'm sorry, I fucking need the money. It's okay. Serious question, Jose. Are you sweating because you're nervous tonight performing in the number one show on YouTube, or are you smuggling drugs in your ass?

41:18Brian Redban:Both. Follow-up question. Are the drugs stuffed inside of a ferret?

41:27Brian Redban:He got up there somehow, yeah? You're damn right, buddy. You're damn right. I think I just can say, Tony, that incest jokes apparently are back. That means we're right around the corner from Eric Bell being the best comedian in the world. We are just coming around the corner. Cheers Shotbar, by the way, has some one-star reviews like you could never believe. This is a little segment on this show that we call Tony Reed's Yelp Reviews. You know, Cheers is one of those bars. Let me just tell you, 6th Street is massive. Austin famously has more bars per capita than any city anywhere in the world. And Cheers is one of those places that I've seen the sign two billion times, and I've never gone in there.

42:17Brian Redban:I have no idea what goes on in there, and probably for good reason. I have a lot of friends in this city that were here before me, and they've never recommended it to me. I'm going to read some one-star reviews. Let it begin. This is David S. visiting from California. Says in all capital letters, FRAUD! Make sure to check your credit card statement. 18 % gratuity was included in the bill, and they had the courage to write in an additional tip when I crossed it off. Do not go to this bar. That sounds like me. Sorry. Yeah. Whoops. I mean, allegedly. Allegedly sounds like me, all right? It could be anybody.

42:57Brian Redban:Okay, Diego Z from the University of Texas says, Absolutely abysmal experience. Bartender got us in by offering free shots of Buchanan's, in which I took him up on his offer. What the fuck is Buchanan's? I've never even heard of that. Like bad whiskey or something? No, it's tequila, but it's top shelf. Tequila called Buchanan's? A tequila named after a white guy? It's Buchanan's. Oh, okay, when you say it like that, it's totally different. I'm just reading the writing here. It really needs your accent. They need those little Latino accent marks over this. Buchanan's. Free shot of Buchanan's. Free shots of Buchanan's.

43:38Brian Redban:You see the difference there? Anyway, I took him up on his offer. Later in that same evening, I went to the bathroom, and he followed me in and accused me of offering cocaine to other patrons. I was threatened and escorted out. I was the only Hispanic male in the establishment and felt racially targeted. If you see a 6 '4", 225-pound male... That's him! That's him! ...bartender with a beard, don't go in if you're Hispanic. You would think that an Austin establishment would be more progressive in their offerings to non-natives, but sadly, this is not the case. Save your money and go to a much better establishment such as Eisenhower's or Peckerhead's.

44:19Brian Redban:What the fuck? These are all bars I've never heard of. And I have a drinking problem, So that's very interesting. Much better crowds with bartenders that aren't on a personal vendetta to power trip. Wow. Okay. Let's see what we got here. Maybe one more. Oh, wow. This is great. Okay. Shit. I really need this job telling you the fuck. Oh, my God. I got to tell you, this one, we're going back. We're going to March 2020 here. Let's go back in time. Joanne L. from Pittsburgh, PA says, Walked by. Bouncer sees we're Asian and yells, Come on in. No coronavirus here.

44:57Brian Redban:then proceeds to offer us kamikaze shots. Wow. How long have you worked at this establishment? Only nine months. Only nine months. Absolutely incredible. I hope to continue, too. Oh, my God. Oh, it's over, bro. This is it. Oh, my God. It's so hard to say goodbye. A below says in all capital letters, racist staff, this is the worst place that I've come to on 6th Street. The bartender denied services to me and my friend for no reason. We are two educated, well-groomed Latinos.

45:40Brian Redban:Why does everybody have to say their race when complaining? It's like everything has to be racially charged. We asked if there was a bar at the rooftop, and the bartender said no, the rooftop is closed and will be open at 8.30. Meanwhile, there were a lot of customers upstairs having drinks. When I went inside and asked him why he lied to us, he didn't have a word to say, and his face looked really dumb and stupid. I still like to think this is you. All right. Let me read one more here. Let's see if we got one more. Wait, what was that? The kamikaze does sound kind of racist, but there's another drink at that establishment called Miso Hormi.

46:15It's also... Hold on. Go back. Two parts gin, one part soda. All right.

46:25Brian Redban:One last one. Let's see if there's any newer ones. Where's the newest one at? Okay. Four girls got their phones stolen last night out of their purses and pockets. All right. Okay. $10 for a fucking Smirnoff Ice. Okay, that's enough. What do you think the worst part of Cheers Bar is? You're the one getting side cash out of them. Oh, shit. All right. The atmosphere kind of sucks. Okay, perfect. No, it's... I'm not gonna lie. It's kind of dumpy in there. I'm not gonna... Yeah, it's... It's... I work there, and I fucking have to see it every day, dude. Come on. You know he's gonna be collecting medical specimens after this shit, right?

47:15Ski! Well, Matt, I'm answering honestly, you know? What can I do? Well, honesty is going to get you fired, but it's okay. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know. It hasn't helped me in my life at all. It's a great place, guys, all right?

47:30Brian Redban:Do you do drugs, Jose? The sweat. I've never really seen anybody sweat quite like you. No, I'm just naturally sweaty. Okay. You're always like this? Yeah. Wow. Do you have your green card? Yes, I do. Actually, I was born here, actually. Oh, shit. Hell, yeah. All right. Okay, I'm just going to go along. No, go ahead. I just say you just look like you still can be rated. But I... I guess it's okay if black people do it. Yeah, it's not... Never racist. They can't be racist. They're black. So none of that can be interpreted as racist because they're incapable of being racist, as you know, because they're black.

48:14Or as my Asian mother would say, black. You know, Rob, I own a black ferret, too. I just want to...

48:24Brian Redban:We'll be right black after these messages. Jose Ayala, you're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book, ladies and gentlemen. Jose Ayala. We're having fun here tonight. There goes Jose, absolutely soaking wet. Oh, look, it's the lovely Heidi. Look what she has. That's real lotion, everybody. Real lotion with these elbows. I mean, I mean, Rob Schneider's doing some of his famous lines from movies, and Donnell is doing real-life Ashy Larry. Oh, my goodness. What an amazing moment in the history of the show. Look at that one. And Heidi is... Slower, Heidi, slower. I mean, it is absolutely... Oh, we got...

49:17Brian Redban:Can we get a little... Can we get a little on Rob's nipple there? Yeah!

49:25Brian Redban:All right.

49:32Brian Redban:This is the number one show in comedy right now. And this is what it takes. This is what it takes. A powerful white woman... un-ashing Donnell. Rob Schneider's nipple getting a little residual residue. You gotta love it. Anything can happen. This is Kill Tony. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. As we get a minute uninterrupted. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for David Womble Jr. Here we go.

50:14I'm a single dad. My daughter is 14 years old. Just finished ninth grade. The entire year, I was afraid of one thing. I was afraid that the upperclassmen are going to try to fuck my daughter. One day she came home. She said, Dad, this guy came up to me, and he asked me if he could hit it. And I thought to myself, in ninth grade, pretty good line. But I have my dad hat on. So I said, how did it make you feel? She said, very uncomfortable. She said, can you tell me some things to get these guys up off me? I said, absolutely. I said, tell them your daddy is going to rip their dick off. Now, children never say what you tell them to say.

50:59A couple of months go by, she comes back. She goes, Dad, I got something to tell you. Dad, the dude came up and asked if he hit it again. But this time, I did what you said. I looked him right in his face, and I said, my daddy is gonna bite your dick off. I said, wait? Who ever said bite? And I be at the school every now and then, and I fuck with the kids. I'll be like, I'll bite them. Thank y 'all very much. David Womble Jr. What's up, Tony? Welcome. Thank you.

51:33Brian Redban:Rob Schneider, what'd you think about that? Underage sex jokes are back. I think that's a confirmation. We have our finger on the pulse tonight of what's happening in comedy. Incest jokes, back, underage sex, back, rape, not quite yet. That's what's great about this show. You can really see what's happening in the world. David Womble Jr., you've been on before, correct? Absolutely. And this went much better, if I remember correctly. Am I correct? You're good. You're correct. Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, I'm correct. Okay. David Womble Jr., tell us, how long you been on stand-up? Seven years. Seven years.

52:15Brian Redban:Okay. Where at? I started in Colorado Springs, then in Tampa, and then now here. Okay. How long have you lived here? A year and seven months. How do you make a living? I'm an IT technician. Wow. Look at that. You don't really see that with your people very often.

52:39Brian Redban:No, Donnell, no. Oh, my favorite thing right now is Donnell's fresh elbows are leaving a little pile of moisture grease here on the face.

52:52Popeye's back. How you gonna let him say that shit to you, dog? What, about that? What did you say? I said, how you gonna let him say that about us, dog? It's a joke. You just told a joke about eating another man's dick. I don't even know. I don't know where they do that. I'm still street, nigga. I still got a homophobia in me. And he even did the impression. I bit his dick like... And then you're like, how you gonna tell him to talk about that? You just chewed a dick off to kill Tony. It's true. It's true. It is true. You know other people will see this. Right? And they're gonna want their dicks chewed off, too.

53:30Brian Redban:David, what do you do for fun? Tell us more about your life. I play racquetball. You play racquetball? Wow, you people really don't do that often either. This guy, if I told you, if I told you his dating profile, just I work in IT and I like playing racquetball, that is the last face you would guess would be behind that avatar. But it makes sense. You like chewing dicks and playing racquetball. They go together. You guys usually make a lot of racket, but playing racquetball, that's a whole different thing. What do you say after this game we chew some dicks? What do you guys feel about that? ferrets ferrets ferrets yeah yeah i love it racquetball yeah wow yeah my goodness wow what else tell us more about you you whitest black guy ever racquetball i.t i lived in japan for four years you lived in a van for four years japan oh that's wow again i mean wow not a van you're just throwing it out there, maybe not a dancer either?

54:37Wow. Yes, I could dance. My buddy, Ace Henderson, who we did comedy with, not much of a dancer. Similar situation. He chewed dicks? I have no idea who that motherfucker is, but alright.

54:52Brian Redban:So you can dance. Let me ask you this, David. This is a little segment that we've done before. Do not make a black man dance. Thank you. No, no, no. No, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. Don't suggest. I'm not going to do it. Okay. I'm not going to do it unless he wanted to. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm going to just ask. No, don't give him a dance. Like a rumble for you. Don't give him a dance. Just a little shake it up. Uh-oh, here we go.

55:28Chew that dick. Chew that dick. Chew that dick. Chew that dick. Chew that dick, chew that dick. Chew that dick, chew that dick. Chew that dick, chew that dick. Chew that dick, chew that dick. Chew that dick. David Womble Jr. No biting of any dicks happened. No fairs were harmed in that dick.

55:54Brian Redban:David Womble Jr. So you're a junior. Yeah. Are you close with your father? Yeah. Another white trade.

56:04Brian Redban:That was not cool. You know what I'm saying? We're having fun here. For sure. We're having fun here. Yeah, my dad was in the military. That's why we were in Japan. Okay. I was in the military. Did you know that? Yeah. I did not. Yeah, I was in the Air Force for four years. That's what's up. Thank you for your service. I used to thank you. I used to be a military police. I used to curse out. I had a Korean police friend of mine, right? And we would teach each other different languages and shit. out language and we would get married we would curse each other out right i would curse him out in broken korean and he would curse me out of broken english and i would light this motherfucker up i'd be like yeah i don't know what i said but i said that and he would curse the Newport nigga mouse.

57:00Wait. You a lemon pepper chicken wing fucking nigga. Your steak well done every day. You a nigga baby father. Oh my goodness. That's what we did. Check in with Rob Schneider. The brothers love Japan and Korea. They do. When I was there, I was performing for the troops but I did say, very hard working people, Asians, and as I'm half Asian, I can say we're very hard working. Koreans, a little lazy, to be honest with you. No, you go to the Korean barbecue, you know Korean barbecue, you go in there like, welcome to Korean barbecue, welcome to Korean barbecue, here you go. The special, the top show line, very good mobbling, very good mobbling.

57:45I said, okay, get the top show, and then two minutes later they come back and it's like, dude, this is fucking raw meat, what is this? Oh yes, you cook it, you cook it, you cook it, you cook it. He said, hey, I'm going out to dinner, I'm spending 100 bucks with my wife, you cook it. You cook it. You cook it. You know? So late. I hate to go to a Korean whorehouse. Come on in. Oh, Rob, Rob, Rob. This is the room. You suck your own dick. You suck it. You suck it. You suck it. Then you come over here. I got to say this. Me being in Korea, do you know how to say how much for the pussy in Korean?

58:22Brian Redban:This is how you say it. You say, poji omayo. That's how much for the pussy. But you can't be like, bitch, poji omayo. You guys be like, poji omayo.

58:34And I'm hungry.

58:39That's like I'm hungry and I'm going to eat. Now if you want to listen, that means I'll eat the pussy. That's what it means. Donnell. Shout out to all the Koreans out there. Donnell, my story was a joke, not actually in a whorehouse. You were in a whorehouse in Korea. I was 18 years old! I was making a joke about a whorehouse, and they thought it was funny. They didn't want to actually hear an experience of a man in a whorehouse. Fucking whores. Like you did. I didn't fuck whores. I participated in... Okay, never mind. He definitely fucked whores. I was 18 years old! It was a cross-cultural experience.

59:20I get it. And there was money and fluids exchanged. My kids are half Asian. Their grandma's gonna hate this shit.

59:27Brian Redban:Your kids are half Asian? Yeah. Wow. So your baby mama is Korean? She's Thai. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Poor boy.

59:39Still get that when they play it back. Exactly. No, I get it. Did the Asian grandmother ever eat the dick? She got to America, so obviously she ate somebody's dick. Gobble, gobble, gobble.

59:52Brian Redban:I don't know if you guys know this, but when Donnell was in Korea, he was part of a cooking show called a walk off i like that w-o-k do you remember yeah you can the walk of the walk me so horny david womble jr fun times my friend and it's amazing to watch your growth i remember Remember for a fact, that's a better set than before. David Womble Jr. getting better, ladies and gentlemen. That's what it's all about.

1:00:33Brian Redban:All right, this is going to be a fun one. This young lady is what we call Kill Tony famous. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the long-awaited return of the one and only Juanita. Everybody, Juanita is back

1:00:58Any Catholics in the house? New Pope, yeah! No, I didn't grow up religious So it was very strange when in 2006 I dropped out of high school And to hide it from my mom I joined a touring Catholic ministry they made me pray to themes, one of which was Queen. I'll show you guys. You're going to have to help me a little bit, okay?

1:01:32Jesus was a cool dude, 40 days without food, giving his life for the golden rule. He died in our place, amazing grace, spreading his love all over the place. singing we will, we will praise you. Amen. I did that for nine months. That's the gayest thing I've ever done. And I do anal.

1:02:04Brian Redban:Believe it or not. Juanita! Hey! Welcome back to the show. Can I do a remix of that song for any black guy watching her right now? Yeah. We will, we will, fuck you! It's probably true. Until you find out, she has a dick, Donnell. That is a dream.

1:02:30That's how it happens, ladies and gentlemen. They can't tell. No, Donnell, come back. No, Donnell. The brothers... The brothers can't tell. The brothers can't tell. They will, they will. They never... I was trying to be nice, so you set me up, son. Donnell, the last place the brothers look, apparently, is the Adam's apple.

1:02:59whereas white guys no that's the first place the white guys look it's over for me nigga

1:03:05Brian Redban:you ruined me it is Charlemagne's gonna find that clip of you when we will we will fuck you you are fucked on now I'm getting word from the street I was being nice I knew it was something different son. I'm sure this happened. I didn't want to get banned like Dave Chappelle nigga. Donnell I'm sure this happened before in Korea. Stop touching me son. I'm sure in Korea as an 18 year old boy this is a memory coming back to you.

1:03:42That's usually how black guys react.

1:03:45Brian Redban:It's pretty. Juanita have you been with a black man before? No. Okay are you just saying that so that he doesn't find you and kill you? No, I was raised right. I'm just kidding. I mean, that's a joke! That's a joke! No, I have been. I've been with one. He was half. Okay, he was half. Half a black. Okay. My career's over, nigga!

1:04:14Ah! It's... it's over!

1:04:22Brian Redban:And I knew it, nigga! No, Donnell... I knew that back was too big, son. I knew... Rob Schneider. It's not just that your career is over. This is also an opportunity to educate other black men tonight. You have to look at it that way. Oh, shit. It's over. Black guys out there, you know what to do. It's between the chest and the chin. It's called an Adam's apple. If they have one, they have something else. That is true. This is a special moment for you people, so take that for what it's worth. It's worth a lot. That's so nice. It is. It is. The more you know. Juanita, Juanita, Juanita. An interesting set tonight.

1:05:21Brian Redban:Let's just talk about... Tony, it's really over for me, Tony. It's okay, I know. I know, Donnell. But it's all right. You can pick yourself up, you know? You know, who knows? It's 2025. Maybe the streets will forgive you. Maybe they'll go, wow, you know? Donnell, you know, took a chance out there. He's a progressive, progressive person. I mean, I'm sure when Chappelle sees this, he's just... Shut the fuck up! Donnell. You might like how it feels. Donnell. Shut the fuck up! Stop touching me! Donnell, I want you to emotionally pull the balls aside. No! Can you do that for me? I think you can, Donnell.

1:06:10You can actually spread them out on one on each side. Shut the fuck up! Donnell, we're here for you. Shut up!

1:06:22Brian Redban:Yeah, it's okay. It's going to be good. Get out of me! Can I get a tissue? Oh my goodness. You tricked Donnell and that is going to... He didn't trick me! I mean, she didn't trick me! I mean, he didn't, she, whatever, nigga! You're fucked. we will we will fuck you yeah

1:06:55oh yeah he's mad in the band

1:07:00Brian Redban:oh my god i see that on your next tour donnell yeah someone's got entrance music Someone's coming out to that on this next special. How exciting. Oh, now that your glasses are on, maybe you can see more clearly.

1:07:27Brian Redban:Yeah, it's exciting. Ashy Larry meet Ashy Harry. It's very exciting. So Juanita, how has life been going? Great, great. What's been going on with you? I have a show in Tyler, Texas. I've been getting booked a lot more since the show. So that's fun. I moved in with a really awesome comic. He's awesome. Just loves him good. I love it. I didn't say I would do it. I said they would do it. No, you said we will. No, I didn't say that. We will. That's not what I said. Don't just group it. That's not what you would do it. There you go. There's Red Band trying to save you right now. So, oh, the last time you were on the show, Juanita, with the great Jimmy Carr was here, and we found out about Whiskey Hole.

1:08:19Brian Redban:Yes. That guy's going through a divorce now. Oh, the guy that you had Whiskey Hole with? Yeah, I didn't realize I said his full name. Oh, shit. Oops. Wow. My God. Does that make it easier for someone to find them if you say their whole name? Yeah, if you're a Turkish-Australian. a little specific. Oh my God. We're learning a lot of things this evening. Yes, we are. Wow. So his wife found out about that from someone sending her a clip or something? Yeah, but he told me he was single when I met him because I asked him. I was like, do you have a girlfriend? Do you have a wife? He said, no. Yeah, it's a problem.

1:09:01So I accidentally had sex with him. Oh my God. And now... I noticed this is a crazy question. Was he black or white? No, he was Turkish. He was like brown, kind of. He was Turkish. It was in the area, she's saying. Shut the fuck up. It was black adjacent. Yeah.

1:09:22Brian Redban:It's true. His dick was. Wow.

1:09:33It's over for me, Tony. It really is. Oh, it's going to be great. I thought this was the comeback, Tony. And I'm right where I started when I walked up the first time.

1:09:44Brian Redban:Oh, you're a legend now. I can just open for you if you want. Would you say Juanita? I can open for you if you want. Oh, yeah, that's what he wants. He'll just fix everything. Open her ass. I'll pass on. Oh, yeah, she'll open for you, Donnell. Shut it, I am! So progressive. Donnell only likes openers that look exactly like him. Can you... All tan. Juanita. Anything else crazy going on in life that we should know about? Oh, I have an impression prepared for you. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. So this is... It's Charlie Plain Mew from There Will Be Blood explaining birthday pizzas. The Grimaldi's. so we get our birthday pizza like every year well the thing is that we used to give out the birthday emails for free but now you have to download an application yeah but we get it like every year you get no birthday pizza wow was that a good you know what's interesting now I can see the Adam's apple now right all it took was for her to do a spot on Daniel Day Lewis for Donnell to realize hell yeah there will be blood or when they fuck you Juanita it's called there will be mud you know I prepared fellas Juanita fun times you've been on this show numerous times it's uh you know wasn't your best set but always a legendary interview with you we love your sense of humor proof that some trans people can roll with the punches that's another appearance by the great Juanita, everybody.

1:11:35Brian Redban:It's a stereotype, some people say. Oh, yeah. We do have a golden ticket winner here, ladies and gentlemen. This guy's only been on the show one other time when he famously came on with children's books for adults and changed his life forever. This is the second ever appearance from Charlie Mack, everybody. Make some noise for Charlie Mack.

1:12:04Fizzy. Fizzy. Fizzy. Fizzy. Fizzy. Fizzy. Um, first off, I want to thank the Kill Tony universe. Y 'all really did change my life, you know? Thank you, yes. Now I'm able to buy a lot of lavish shit. Like, I just bought a new$1 ,500 shelf. I put all my clothes on it and everything. Some of y 'all know it as a treadmill.

1:12:30I've never touched it. but I don't know what the fuck it does. Last time I touched it was to balance myself to put my shoes on. It's crazy, now my ex let me have sex with her again. Yes, yes. I like it, cause she likes to role play. You know, I be hitting it from the back. You know, I throw on her wig, she throw on my CPAP.

1:13:00Y 'all ain't never had CPAP sex?

1:13:05It's like fucking Darth Vader. I'm like, who's in it? She go, yours. I'm like, damn, Luke, I guess I am your father.

1:13:22Brian Redban:Charlie Mack has done it again. Rob Schneider. Congrats. You're going to make it. You are. You're going to make it. And for the rest of your life as a comedian, I mean, the next six years are going to be great for you.

1:13:40Brian Redban:No doubt about it. Charlie, fantastic. You said you did role play. What was the scenario? I threw on her wig and she threw on my CPAP. That's not creative. It's not. If you're going to do role play, I do role play. If you're going to do role play, think outside the box. When I play role play, I play plantation. Ooh. Damn. Ooh, Juanita, get back up here.

1:14:09Is it okay if we laugh at this? Are we okay? We're all okay? We're okay? No, we can. We can. Okay, good.

1:14:21this was not the best decision

1:14:26Brian Redban:charlie mack the last time you were on the show uh you told us about your adult children's books and uh and uh i guess it blew up right oh hell yeah they start calling me the hood dr seuss I love it. Yeah. Now I have to make up new names, you know? So I'm thinking of a couple. I was thinking of the crack hair from Crumble Street. Pookie and a stimulus check. You know, a bunch of shit like that. Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. The hood Dr. Seuss. That is the only kind of doctor you could be, by the way. Charlie Mack, tell us about how your life changed from that, though. Like, what's going on? Oh, white women look at me now.

1:15:13Yeah. Well, yeah. But no, I really, I got a world tour. I'm going all through Europe, Tokyo, everywhere. Thank you.

1:15:24Brian Redban:International house of pancakes. My goodness gracious. Look at you. Unbelievable, Charlie Mack. Any plans for when you're over in Tokyo and places? Anything you're really looking forward to doing? Any places you could recommend to Indonesia? Yeah, exactly. There's this one little place. Just remember Pojomayo. I'm just looking for the other black people, because I don't go nowhere if there's not other black people there. Okay, well, have fun in Tokyo. How the fuck do you get on this show then? It's like 12 black people in this whole audience, and I'm four of them.

1:16:12Brian Redban:Charlie Mac, you are fantastic. Where do you live again? I live here in Austin, about seven minutes away. Oh, sweet. Yeah. Hell yeah. And what do you do for fun? When you're not writing books or performing stand-up, do you have any side fun things? The best thing that I really do if I'm not doing anything is I'm on daddy duty, you know? I respect that. Yes, me and my three-year-old, we be kicking it, robbing, she sell crack. We do a lot of fun shit. Hell yeah. Get the money, son. Yeah, we gotta start a family empire. Hell yeah. Can we laugh at that one? Is that all right? Yes. Okay.

1:16:49Selling crack. I think Rob Greene. Black. Selling crack.

1:16:57Brian Redban:Daddy duty is also what would have been on Donnell's dick if he fucked Juanita. I got some of the guys... Don't laugh. Do not laugh. I got daddy duty. I got daddy duty. Stay black. Don't laugh. We all we got, bro.

1:17:17Rob is going to breed ferrets after this show.

1:17:21Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Charlie, you fantastic set. You've done it again. Thank you. You're a rock solid comedian. We're excited to have you and have you back on again soon. Charlie Mack, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep it moving here. We're keeping it moving. back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, takes a while for Charlie to get off stage. There he goes. Holy shit. That's a big boy. Big man. That's a huge bitch! Yes. Had to. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. It is Michael Hines, everyone. Michael Hines is next on Bill Tone.

1:18:03Wow. wow, this is exciting. You know, believe it or not, this is the second most exciting thing to happen to me today, though. I saw a UFO on the way over here, an unidentified flying object. Really, it was a non-binary person jumping off the bridge over there.

1:18:22But they didn't identify as anything. Went from she, her to see her later. They, them to she, her later. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's more of an unidentified falling object. But for a second there, for a second. Ozzy Osbourne's finally in hell.

1:18:44Do you think it's everything he dreamed it would be? I'm sure it's not that bad, though. With all the scientists there, they gotta have it air-conditioned by now. You know, it's probably a party. I voted for Trump guys, and I regretted it week one. Week one, he took away my food stamps. What the fuck? He said I gotta work 40 hours a week to get them. If I work 40 hours a week, I wouldn't need fucking food stamps.

1:19:14Brian Redban:Michael Hines. Fantastic set. Edgy, funny, current. I loved it. That's great. You've been on this show once before, right? Twice, Tony. Twice. Fantastic. Please tell me Juanita was the one that jumped off the bridge. I wish, I wish, Donnell. That's the only thing we're saying. Donnell, you did my favorite episode of Kill Tony of all time. I just need a suicide. What was that, Michael? Donnell was on my favorite episode of Kill Tony of all time. Which one was it? You don't know?

1:19:46I love you, Donnell. You're my favorite.

1:19:55Brian Redban:Look what you've done! I know. I know. Rob Schneider. I've learned that laughing at the suicides of nine non-binary people are back. Yes. That's what I've learned. No doubt about it. There's so much coming. You've got to hang out in Austin more often. You'd really love it here, Rob. By the way, President Trump wasn't taking away your food stamps. He was just making sure that you weren't buying sodas and fucking Reese's Pieces with it. Clearly. Guilty as charged, no doubt about it. Michael, remind us, how long you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years, Tony. All of it here in Austin? Yes, sir.

1:20:35Brian Redban:Fantastic stuff. What do you do for work? I'm a realtor's assistant. Okay. Open houses and stuff. Don't tell her. Wow. Can I say something? I don't think they like you, Tony. What? I don't think they like you, so if they know I'm here, I might be done for. Realtors don't like me? Those two. Well, they can go fucking, go fuck themselves. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? I'm sure there's so much fun to work for. You wouldn't believe it, Tony. I would. I know what people that don't like me, I know what their mental health is like. Rob Schneider. You don't care about us. Can I say something about you? Can I say something about you?

1:21:15Okay, yes, you can. No, I watch the show, but I don't watch the show. But everybody else come up here, they're like super nervous and like sweating. You seem so composed. And I want to say this, you just feel like a natural man. Like, in a short period of time, you hit enough jokes, and even in your interview, you was likable, you was personable, and you did it in a short period of time, man. I'm just saying. I see, I see a, I really see a future for you, man. Thank you. A realtor's assistant. That's just my question, because in my, you know, experience, even a half-retarded person could be a real estate person, so...

1:21:51You cannot say that, Rob! A half, a realtor assistant could be a full retard, I'm thinking. Could that? Well, she pays me 30 bucks an hour, so if I do two 10-hour days on open houses, I have the rest of the week for comedy.

1:22:06Brian Redban:Yeah. There you go. Well, you're going to do great. You're very funny. Very funny. Hell yeah. Fantastic stuff. Did you get a big joke book last time you were on? I did not. You got a small joke book? Yes, sir. Well, I got news for you, buddy. You're getting an upgrade. There he goes. a fantastic minute and a great return for michael hines everybody we are flying through it now we are cooking i gotta say i gotta say i gotta normally i don't do this during an episode but i gotta tell you guys this is one of my favorite episodes of the year so far i'm gonna hand for donnell and rob schneider the i had a feeling that this chemistry would be crazy and wild I said something.

1:22:44Brian Redban:Okay. The irony of that, it's one of your favorite episodes and it's not a good feeling for me right now. Wow. Donnell got canceled tonight. I've talked about fucking the trans, whatever you call it. This shit is over for me. No. Austin has been really weird to me. No. If I can appear to be racist right now and interrupt you.

1:23:10No, this is really, it's really been fun. I've enjoyed this. What about this audience here?

1:23:15Brian Redban:Yep, we're having fucking fun. We're playing with fire, and we're going to keep it moving. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll, one minute uninterrupted, going to James Kerrigan, everybody. James Kerrigan.

1:23:34I went out with this girl a couple times, and then the other day she sent me a text that started with the phrase, after some reflection.

1:23:47I didn't read the rest of the text. I didn't read... Because nothing good ever happens when a woman texts you after some reflection. It's never after some reflection, I think we should try anal. That has never happened in the history of women or anal. It's always after some reflection, I realize we're two different trees going in two different directions. and you're poor. Now, if a man sends you a text that starts with the phrase after some reflection, I'm just kidding. It's a picture of his penis.

1:24:26Followed up by we should try anal. Big dick, big dick, dick pic crowd in here. No. I've never been dick, I've never been big on dick. I'm drunk, sorry. I've never been big on dick fix myself Alright, that came out wrong Alright, thank you guys so much My name is James

1:24:49Brian Redban:James Carrigan Hey A fantastic set Is this your first time on the show? Yes sir Welcome, welcome How long have you been doing stand-up? It'll be 11 years in September Wow, I love it You perform like a guy that's been doing it 11 years That's great stuff, James Thank you, sir Even though you were tripping on words You got a lot of big laughs Yeah, I was just drinking over there and playing chess with this homeless girl, and it was cool. I didn't think I was going to get pulled. They were like, you need to go now. I was like, all right, cool. Amazing stuff. Rob? I will say your timing, though, was fantastic, but you also had a chance, instead of saying you've been doing it 11 years, if you would have said 11 months, everybody would have fucking went nuts.

1:25:30Well, that would be lying, Mr. Schein. I'm talking to Rob Schneider right now. Fuck, goddamn, this is crazy, right? Right, this is fucking insane. Very, very funny. And you started out really strong. That's a really funny new job. I'm telling you, you had the audience and you never lost them until you couldn't figure out how to end it. Well, I know how to end it. And then all the goodwill is gone forever. Oh, thank you. No, no, no. No, you did great. And it was really funny. And you really made me laugh hard. Thank you. Really good job. Congrats. Great stuff. Thank you. I don't know what to say other than you was funny as shit.

1:26:07I really believe you look at dick pics because once you put that up, you was like... I'm in a dick. Juanita, come back.

1:26:18Brian Redban:James, what do you do for work? I actually sell air conditioning. They're playing the other one where the air conditioner was broken. You work for them? I don't work for Airco. I work for ARS. We do air conditioning. I-R-S? Oh, I'm sorry. I got nervous. AR-S? What? AR-S? AR-S. American Residential Services. Wow. Arse. Yeah. Yeah. Odd name for a company. Yeah. Arsehole. Yes. Sure, I guess. You put in the ACs, you do everything? You're looking for comfort? Check out our arse. We'll cool you down. Arse wheel. I actually bother people at Home Depot. That's what I do. You do? I go over and talk to people at Home Depot.

1:26:58That's my job.

1:26:59Brian Redban:Okay. How drunk are you right now? What exactly did you drink before this? The biggest opportunity of your 11-year career. tell us what you've been sipping on today. I find this all so intriguing. Nothing like watching 11 years of hard work and all of a sudden, and here you are, you're doing great and you're handling it well, but I can tell you are fucked up. If this was not Kill Tony, if this was a random show where it's like a special show where you pull out drunk people and it's a DUI checkpoint, you'd be fucked right now. You would be so fucked. I mean, it's incredible. So tell us, just honestly, truthfully, what exactly did you drink today?

1:27:41Brian Redban:It was just vodka soda. Okay. But I had the pitchers. I had the pitchers. You had a pitcher? Yeah. Okay. They sell them next door. You should go check it out. Yeah, no, we have alcohol here. Well, I'm just saying it's a good deal. Okay. All right. No more reviews, Tony. So you had two pitchers? I had two pitchers and a beer, yes. Two pitchers of vodka soda and a beer. That's an interesting choice. After two pitchers of vodka, you go like, hmm. It's not hitting me. Donde esta mi cerveza, motherfucker?

1:28:22This hasn't worked. That's when you get your money back for those fucking pitchers. Juanita!

1:28:36Brian Redban:That is... Save us, Juanita! Rob brings up an unbelievably great point. You had the beer after the two pitchers of vodka? God damn! I didn't think I was going to get pulled. That's what everybody says. That's what everybody says, especially when you're that blacked out. My goodness gracious. And wow, do you normally drink this much? No, but I don't normally come here, so that's how good. How many times do you think you've signed up before? I think this is my fourth time. That's pretty fucking good. Appreciate it. Should we do a special segment called DUI Checkpoint right now for the first time ever?

1:29:18Brian Redban:What do they have people do? What's one of the things? You have to stand up on one foot, right? And what do you do? Is there any police officers here by any chance? Can we get a police officer up here? Yeah! For the first time in the show's history, I would like to make some noise for a real APD police officer. This is Oscar, everybody. Yes. Yeah! Yes. Oscar, this is what I love about Austin. Rob, when I was in L.A., you couldn't find a fucking police officer. if they're lighting a grocery store on fire you couldn't find a fucking police officer here i'm like hey let's let's try a little oh fuck there's one right there this is unbelievable oscar donnell what is it are you scared because there's a police officer when i when i was in the military when i was in the air force that was my job i was a police officer.

1:30:26Brian Redban:Oh, wow. You never mentioned that you were in the military. I was the worst police officer. I made zero arrests in four years. Wow. Yeah, that's a true story. I was a military police officer. Wow. You used to choke yourself? Shut the fuck up. Red band. Red band. Red band, you can't... You dirty motherfucker. Red band, you can't ask things like that. No, that was funny, though. Did you used to choke yourself? No, no. Let's check in with Rob... I just beat myself one time. Let's check in with Rob Schneider here. I still can't get over the beer after the two pitchers. I mean, what's the next thing next to it?

1:31:00Was there a gun? Not tonight. Where did you get that drink

1:31:05Brian Redban:from? Give that back. Take the fucking drink back. You guys are crazy. All right. Oscar, if you don't mind doing us a favor, this is the first time in the history of the show we've done anything like this before. Thank you for playing along. How about one more time for Oscar? Step on up to that, microphone real quick that he has. Give him the mic there, James. Give Oscar the mic. Would you mind just giving a quick little DUI test to James Kerrigan? Talk right into the tip of that mic. Just take us through. Pretend like we're not here, and you just pulled this guy over, and you got him out of his car.

1:31:44Brian Redban:Let's see what happens here. James. James, where are you coming from? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. No, do not. Sit the fuck down, these assholes. All right, I need another microphone. Do we have one under the table? We have one under the... Where under the table exactly? What's that? Very far right. Is there one more under there? There it is. There's one more? Yeah, we got one more hidden there. Oh, this is so... Fuck. This is podcast history, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. James, he asks you a fucking question. I'm actually coming from a comedy club. How much have you had to drink tonight?

1:32:33Two drinks.

1:32:39Two drinks, I mean... Yeah. Honest. Just not specific. The specificity of the officer's question opened up some vagaries, and James took advantage of it. Advantage, James. Continue. How big were those two drinks? There was like a shot each. Again, slightly vague. Shots could be fucking huge, apparently.

1:33:19Where are you headed to? I'm just going home. That's all I'm doing.

1:33:23Brian Redban:Oh, yeah. Such a suspicious answer. That's all I'm doing. Not doing anything else. Just driving home. James, you seem way too familiar with this experience. This happened four months ago. You got a DUI four months ago? No, I didn't. No, I got out of it. You got out of it? Oh, you ain't getting out of this one, motherfucker. Oscar, let's do it. If I can hit him with it, what do you think? Oh, if I get arrested? By the way, let's just take note. Can I just say, when Oscar talks into the microphone, I've been doing this show for 12 and a half years. I've never seen anyone so commanding and clear.

1:34:03Brian Redban:It's like a specific type of police fucking, like, where are you coming from? I just have to say, this may seem racist-y, but you're drinking tonight. We should still arrest Dunnell.

1:34:22Let's do the black-white version of it. What would it be? What would it be? All right. Yo! Get the fuck out of that car!

1:34:34Brian Redban:Black Lives Matter, nigga. I ain't do shit! This went from DUI to DEI real quick.

1:34:46Brian Redban:Rob Schneider's moving to Austin. I can tell. We're having fun tonight. We're getting him. We got another one. Oh, yeah. We're doing it. Oscar, you cool with this, right? Are we good? Okay, Oscar. Oh, I love it. Fucking fantastic. How about a hand for Rob over here, the man? We love him. We have the best squad here at the Mothership. Can you give him a little test for me? Can we see a little something? What would you have him do if you wanted him to fail real quick?

1:35:20Stand with your feet together. Hands down by your side. Look at my finger. I'm going to move my finger from left to right. Keep your head still. You understand?

1:35:39Brian Redban:Oh, shit. Oh. What do you think, Oscar? What's the verdict? Oh, yeah, freeze. Go to jail.

1:35:55Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Oscar. You're not like cops, do you? Oscar, you're leaving here with a big joke book. Make some noise for Oscar. The APD, the greatest police department on planet Earth. Yeah. James, you had a fucking fantastic set. You rolled with the punches every step of the way. You are truly an 11-year comedy veteran, and you have the jokes for it. You have the stage presence for it. Here's a big joke book. Sign up. We want to see more of you. Come back, James Kerrigan. Wow. Wow. The first ever DUI checkpoint in Kill Tony history. He's getting handcuffed. We got a new segment. We got a new segment.

1:36:45Brian Redban:Oh my God. I didn't even know that was possible. I mean, what other show in the world has a serious ass police officer just waiting in the fucking helms? I mean, unbelievable. That was the best. You know what's great? He's going to have to keep his car parked outside and not drive home at night. Yeah. Oh, he's fucked. But Tony, he was giving him the test looking at me.

1:37:15It's awful.

1:37:17Brian Redban:It is. It's going to be James Kerrigan, Donnell in the back of the police car, and Juanita. That's going to be a long drive to the station. Stop it. Donnell's going to get us... Shut the fuck up! Don't do that, son. Don't do that, son. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that, son. Black Lives Matter. Don't do it.

1:37:44Brian Redban:What an episode. We're going to keep it moving here. We're getting there. We're coming around the corner. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. This lady, very funny. She's been on this show before. I'm excited to see a new minute from Sherry Veseggi, everybody. The return of Sherry Veseggi.

1:38:06Thank you. Thank you. I am originally from Iran. Yeah, where women traditionally don't have dicks.

1:38:21No! Just mustaches. Yeah. You know what the safe word is for Middle Eastern women?

1:38:37yeah

1:38:43hashtag hashtag not all lives matter

1:38:49keeping it real i have a friend who's so obsessed about the size of her boyfriend's dick she's so happy i mean do women who care about size do they have like a measuring tape in their you know a nightstand every time a new guy comes along they're like oh let's measure that you know who i know for sure has a measuring tape no no not me not me kim kardashian what do you think she uses a dewalt stanley or the circumference of her mouth

1:39:33Brian Redban:Sherry Veseji has done it again. Rob Schneider.

1:39:39Sherry, I just want to say I look forward to your first tour in Iran when you get beaten to death. It's going to be special.

1:39:48Brian Redban:Absolutely. Normally when a comedian... Very funny, very funny. That first joke out there fucking killed me. Just really, really funny. It's just putting more of those jokes together and boom. That's really, really funny. Very special. It is true what Rob says. If you ever do a show in Iran, you're going to be not the first comedian to get stoned after a show, but in that type of way, no doubt about it. I have a question. Can I interject now? Of course you can. How long have you been doing comedy? about two years this round I used to do comedy years ago can I say this like in this business where it's all about ageism and and I'm not trying to be disrespectful anything for you to do a comedy for two years right and have the energy like all these people that are probably younger than you what that tells me is that you had a time in your life you did something and comedy was your passion.

1:40:44Am I correct? Yes. And you said to yourself, you know what? Fuck it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it again. Your energy, the jokes is funny and then in this situation where it's so competitive, it's all about you're not relatable, you're old school, whatever. And I'm not trying to call you old but I'm just saying that your energy everything, your jokes, and I can look in your eyes and tell that it's something you want to do and you say fuck it, I'm going to do it. So with That said, I really appreciate what you did. Thank you. And I just want to say, I think that was a black man hitting on you.

1:41:19Yeah. It's not the first time.

1:41:27Let's walk off. Fuck it, we out of here.

1:41:30Brian Redban:Let's go. We're getting dick chewed tonight. I ran, meet I walked.

1:41:40No, I want to just add to that. Like, I've seen, like, these comments that come up. I'm not knocking nobody. I've seen the desperation and nervousness, but you feel so fucking calm. Like, this is what the fuck I was supposed to be doing. And that resonates with me. He's trying to fuck you. I mean, you remember that role play, Plantation? Do you know how hard you get fucked if somebody fuck you for their freedom?

1:42:13I'm gonna let that marinate I'm gonna let that marinate and you can use the n-word I'm gonna let that marinate

1:42:21Brian Redban:it might be time for another re-lotioning of these elbows something's got a hole under me lately Sherry how's life been tell us more about your real life you know ever since I've been on Kill Tony you know I get hit on on Instagram you know but the quality has gone up and the age has come down i love it yeah have you taken advantage of any of these situations i have not but you know all these young guys trying to show me their best minute you are so funny i love you you are you are fucking adorable you really are you really are what are some goals for you sherry you are how much time do you think you have all together if like a lot not not in life right not not in life i give it about 80 80 months the clock is ticking i need to hurry up with this for you but as far as the set goes like what's the longest you could do um i think i can do 20 minutes okay but i have more material i just need an opportunity to do my material.

1:43:35Brian Redban:Absolutely. Well, if you come down to the plantation, I can take care of that. You're going to get it. You're going to get that. Great job tonight. It really is. They all said it, and I've said it every time you've ever been on. You're so charismatic. You're delivering and executing your material. So goddamn likable. Thank you. It's unbelievable. Sherry, you've done it again. Red Band. Sherry, I would love to have you back on The Secret Show. Thank you. Boom. She just got booked on a real show this Thursday from the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. Sherry Beseggi. How about one more time for Sherry, everybody?

1:44:16Brian Redban:Okay. All right. We have another return of a legendary performer here. This man famously is part of one of the most viral clips in Kill Tony history. When he said that he was molested multiple times as a kid, and Dr. Phil famously said, because he wasn't paying attention, I said Dr. Phil, and Dr. Phil said, who was your favorite? He does a podcast with Tony Hawk. You know him. From the Hawk and the Wolf. This is a minute from Jason Ellis, everybody. The return of Jason.

1:45:07What's up, motherfuckers? So, yeah, I'm a f***ing. I know what you're thinking. I don't look that gay. Well, picture me naked with a guy's penis in my mouth.

1:45:24Yeah, I know. That's it every time. But I'm not gay anymore. I retired from that shit. Fuck that shit. It's hideous. But because I've done gay shit, people think that I'm weaker. Like, that guy's a pretty big guy over there. Just so you know, dude, I can fucking suck your dick and there wouldn't be shit you could do about it. So how am I weak? Some other people might be like, I don't like your gay talk, Jason. Maybe you're going to jump me in the parking lot. I am a professional fighter. I will kick you in the head, knock you out, and suck your dick. I'm not finished. I'll film it. And then I'll put it on the internet, and then you'll be gay, but not gay, just like me.

1:46:06And you wake up and be like, I'm not gay, bro. And I'm like, pretty sure this video says otherwise. Thank you.

1:46:14Brian Redban:Wow. Jason Ellis, with the best minute he's done on this show. What a special episode this is. Somehow I'm scared to death and turned on at the same time. I feel both soft and hard right now. absolutely incredible performance Jason Ellis Jason did my podcast remember that he did my podcast and I'm looking at him I didn't know that he was a f*** right no that's what you said no no no that's what you said but I'm telling you this is a scary moment like you know I mean whatever but apparently no let me say this son apparently the word f*** is back people he said it and I didn't mean it like that I didn't mean it like that I didn't know it.

1:46:58It didn't mean anything. Hey, man, I paid my dues to say that word. It's so good. But the shit is like, this is a black man. This is what made me nervous. I'll just fuck you up and suck your dick. Okay, that's horrible. But I could do it. But it could have been the other side. I'll beat your ass and fuck you. I was like, you can't do that. Oh, my God. You like that shit. You might be gayer than me, dude. As someone. What I'm saying is... The black guy's interrupting me again. What I'm saying is... It's true. Here it goes. It is true. That's not racist. No, they can't be racist, so we all know.

1:47:37They can jump in whenever they fucking want and demand whatever they want, apparently. What I'm trying to say... Is that when I met you, you was a guest on my podcast. You was dope as shit. I forgot what we talked about, and I didn't really give a fuck about sexuality or anything. I didn't know it, but you was cool. Thank you for doing my podcast. I appreciate you. What the fuck?

1:47:58Brian Redban:That's what you interrupted Rob to say? Thank you for doing my podcast? You know what? We're going to bring Juanita back up here right now. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No one even remembers the Juanita thing. You're being mean to me, Tony. The other day, you told me how much you love me. Let's check. I do. I do love you. No, the other day, I remember when we first met, our connection. Yeah. You said all this, and now you're just leaving me out here. for people to... You don't give a fuck about me. No, Donnell, we love you. I can tell you have that look in your eye. I've seen this before.

1:48:35Brian Redban:About to crash out, nigga! I got ten minutes worth of show before I go to the bathroom, nigga, you know. I will say, I can't get it out of my head, but I would like to see you, Jason, beat the shit out of Donnell while he's fucking Juanita. That is true. That would be the world's greatest threesome. As someone who enjoys non-violent sex

1:49:04where the ending is not a punch in the face, but come in the face. It's different. I just want to say I learned something tonight from you and I won't sleep well. Thank you. You're welcome. I think.

1:49:23Brian Redban:Jason, you are a scary guy How's it been going in normal life? Really good Better than ever I love it, tell us about it I got a girlfriend, she's got a vagina She was born with one Wow, look at that Thank you I'm confused He was gay, now he's no longer gay I was never gay, I was just a sex addict Oh, okay I used to fuck everybody When you fuck a lot of women when you say that the other one looking at me fucking sketchballs but when you try to a lot of ladies in one day it's a lot of talking you know i know that so dudes just suck it and leave it's pretty convenient yeah the only bad thing about it is it is pretty gay yeah it's in this moment that i realize i'm on the wrong show this is the moment

1:50:23I think it might be time for the audience may need a shower at this moment.

1:50:30Brian Redban:Jason, what's the gayest thing you ever did?

1:50:36Brian Redban:That's fucked up. I'm trying to move past that, like the dicks of Christmas past. But I guess, like... I love the music. I love that the horn players have a song for this. The gayest thing that you've ever done. What's the gayest thing that you've ever done? It's the gayest thing Jason's ever done. Everyone wants to know. Gayest thing. I know how much. So fucking gay, we wanna know. I rollerbladed once. Yo, that's so fucking... I used to rollerblade in Brooklyn. You're fucking gay to me, dude. you're fucking gayer than me that's insane sit back down you can't tell a black man sit back down you can say take your seat but you can't say that well if I tell you to take the seat you're going to leave and take the actual seat I think I think one question that the audience is thinking is what is the tattoo that's on your dick that is a good question that's the last spot I got one more gap and that's it I haven't decided what I'm getting on there but I just want one tattoo and there's a few gaps and one of them is my dick oh so there's no tattoo on the dick that's interesting right it's also pretty gay that you guys give a shit about that yeah believe it or not believe it or not this isn't even the gayest part of the show Donnell took the gay cake earlier

1:52:15Brian Redban:we will we will fuck you oh you're never gonna flip it down buddy oh my god they're gonna come up to you at the airport singing that one baby

1:52:34Brian Redban:man i can't believe you didn't see that she was not originally she yeah even jason ellis is like Yeah, Donnell, you're gay as fuck. We will fuck you? Oh, my God. You sang it with such fucking passion. No, I didn't, son. You did. No, but black guys think anything white or white adjacent is hot. That's the fact. Right, fair enough. That's what was proved tonight. Something's got a hole in me lately. Guys, can't. Jason. How many times did I tell you I'm no good at? All right, go ahead. All right. All right, Jason, that was by far the best minute you've ever done on the show. So funny, so great, such a great set.

1:53:22Brian Redban:Again, it's my favorite part of the show is literally watching people get better in front of our eyes. One more time. Anything else you want to plug? You got the hawk and the wolf? That's close. That's shut down. Oh. Tony's not as good at skateboarding as he used to be so he has to get a job I just like saying that in case he sees it You're fucking old and you suck Tony That's Tony Hawk He's talking about Sorry wrong guy But I'm a comedian on the road So thejasonellis.com is where all my tour dates live Perfect make some noise One more time for Jason Ellis He is gay The gayest thing We want to know What's the gayest thing Hey.

1:54:05He taught me how to fight on my podcast. He taught you how to fight? My podcast is DonNATRawlinsShow.com. It has something. He taught me how to fight. Not fight, but he gave me suggestions on how to handle people. And I really appreciate the fact that, you know, my podcast, it's okay. It's struggling, whatever. But he pulled up and he showed me love.

1:54:22Brian Redban:Well, it's great that you know how to fight this so you'll be able to get Juanita off on top of you later. How much time before the show's over? We're going to do. Don't touch me, Rob. I'm sorry. You were down with the man, Rob. No, I'm just... I have to cancel being on your podcast, I guess. I'm sorry. Call me back, though, when the numbers go up. I mean, I want to go. But thank you for being honest. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to make it the final bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for Tom Anderson, everybody. Tom Anderson.

1:55:00Oh, yeah, mothership. So I'm going through a bit of a transformation. I'm getting fatter slowly, and there's nothing I can really do about it to stop it. So I'm leaving it to my government. I'm going to put it in the hands of RFK Jr., our Secretary of Health, to stop me. And I don't know what it is about him. I really trust him. He's got, like, a lot of battle scars health-wise. You know, he's got that voice, and he had a brain worm, which is, I think that's a disease that kills wizards. I don't really know how you get through that. I'm so curious how that doctor's visit sounded, you know? He's like, doctor, my fucking head hurts.

1:55:45And then he's looking at the chart, he's like, oh, well, it appears you've got bugs in your mind. We need to get those out. So I can only really think of one solution, Mr. F. Kennedy. We're going to have to blow your head off.

1:56:08Brian Redban:A little too close to home, I know. Tom Anderson. Lots of laughs. I could hear them over Donnell talking in my ear. Shut the fuck up! Tony, I need to come here for this. They don't know the history, Tony. Can we break down the history? be honest during the pandemic when you move your shit here nobody wanted to come on your podcast because they were scared to catch COVID am I lying? let me tell you they would come here they would do Rogan shit they would be like fuck it I'm out of here you ask me yo shut the fuck up I don't know how to say ax nigga I don't know how to say ambulance ass even. Shut the fuck up.

1:56:57Please help him be more interesting for Madison Square Garden. I'm going to be racist and interrupt the black man. Listen, son. This is what they don't know. You called me very desperate in your voice. You was like, you said, Donnell, could you come and do my podcast? I said, you know I don't fuck with that shit. I'm too sensitive. I will crash out. Did I not say that?

1:57:23Brian Redban:Yes. And I sat here. and we didn't have this desk. You didn't have this band, son. You're right. We had a tablecloth and it was on a wobbly table. We did have the same exact band. Okay, sorry. I know. I would have... You know all y 'all looking like, son. But listen, Tony. Let Rob jump in for one second. I would have done his show then, but I still wouldn't have done your shows now. That's all I'm saying. Just because the number of viewers that you admitted that you did get that. Imagine the number of viewers once they see him hit on Juanita. I mean, it's going down. If you hit on Juanita, I had a misunderstanding with Juanita.

1:58:02Brian Redban:You had a mister understanding with Juanita. You thought it was a misunderstanding. That was a mister understanding. Tony! Let's do this. That's a fucking great joke. Let's just do this. And this is the thing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. A mister understanding is one of the greatest jokes I've ever done in my life. It's all Hanubing so quick people didn't even notice. No, that was funny. But this is what these people don't understand. It's not time to joke. It's time to be serious. We're going to get some... No, don't touch me, Rob. I'm being serious. We're going to get some Adam's apple juice from him over here.

1:58:38I was there for you. I was there for you. Tony, I was there for you. I showed up. Look at me, motherfucker. You said... I was there for Tony. And it was at a time where nobody was there for Tony.

1:59:02Brian Redban:You just made a snot rocket come out of my nose. Let me get this. And you said, Donnell, would you show up for me? And I said, as a friend, I would show up for you. And I did the show. I was there for two and a half hours. He did the show. He did the show. He did the show.

1:59:20It wasn't popular. No one wanted to do it. Darnell took the time to come down, to come down, to come down. Even though he wasn't going to benefit in any fucking way, he still came down. And he never, he never, never, never let Tony forget it. Yeah. Oh.

2:00:01Thank you. And I'll tell you why. Are you

2:00:46who the fuck are you how'd you get up here hallelujah i'm so sorry i walked on out that was really bad of me i'm so sorry two hours ago you performed How did you feel it went? I don't remember. What joke did I do? I have no idea what I said. It was a great song. I think it was interesting basing your whole act on the health and human services secretary. That's different than what else we saw tonight. I will say we have learned a lot from our health secretary that our government has been lying to us. Now it's all coming out. Apparently, Fruit Loops is not good for you. No fruit in the loops at all, apparently.

2:01:30Got my A. Thank you, Robert Kennedy. Junior. What happened to the first one? I didn't read up on him. What happened to him?

2:01:40Brian Redban:His daddy. Yeah. Never mind. We ran out of big joke books to give away, Tom, but I'll tell you, you had a fantastic set. Thank you. What do we have for Tom? Anything? That thing, yeah, but that's a big bomb. That's for people like bomb in a great way. We don't really have anything to give you. Why don't you give him a spot on the secret show real quick? Then it'll be great. I'm glad to have you on the secret show, Thuris. Amazing. Tom Anderson, you got a spot on the secret show. Thank you. You saved us. Red band with a big save. Thank you, Tom Anderson. Great stuff. Sign up again, and then we'll talk more.

2:02:19Brian Redban:You just have to understand you're on a crazy climax of one of the greatest episodes in the history of the show. Also, if you want, you stick around later. There's a gay guy who'll beat the shit out of you after he comes on you. If you want, it's just I'm saying, it's an option for some of the performers tonight if they didn't know. Ladies and gentlemen, what an episode it has been indeed. And there's only one more performer, ladies and gentlemen, but it is not William Montgomery. Let it be known, William is out on vacation tonight. However, there's only one other human that could possibly end an episode like this.

2:02:58Brian Redban:A fucking freak of nature, widely considered without a doubt one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Soon to be one of the greatest American comedians. For now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Matty!

2:03:29Beautiful day.

2:03:39So when are we getting these Waymos to kill the homeless at night?

2:03:59Robots are supposed to do the jobs we don't want to. I see them driving around all empty. They should get together in an H-E-B parking lot. Fuckin'. Everybody picks one alley and you just fucking...

2:04:28Help us out, robots! Or if you want to be like vegan about it, fucking get a car full of them, drop them off in Houston. You know what I'm saying?

2:04:43Dude, I am. Dude, I moved here a year ago. I used to be like, no, they're all human and snowflakes. Fuck you. Stop bleeding on my fucking pizza. Dude, the homeless in Austin, every time I see these motherfuckers, they're getting stronger and stronger. they're fucking getting D-vitamin during the day, going through photosynthesis, they're fucking fasting, they're avoiding social media, they're cold plunging in Lady Bird Lake.

2:05:25The homeless in Austin are doing everything Joe Rogan talks about. Thank you so much.

2:05:33Brian Redban:Wow. Wow. Absolute fucking rock star. And you get to watch it in real time. Mesmerizing Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, guys? What's up, Rob Schneider? So good to see you, my friend. So great to see you. And I would tell you, I was fucking dying. You were hilarious. Yeah, I noticed from the corner of my eye. That was awesome. I don't take up a lot of space in people. Stop bleeding on my fucking pizza. It's such a beautiful image. Because you can see what's happening in the pizza parlor. Yeah. A crazy fucking person comes in, and nobody wants to deal with it. You get your pizza, and he fucking bleeds on your pizza.

2:06:20Keep Austin weird. No, you're going to be a gigantic fucking star. Oh, thank you. Gigantic. Gigantic. Thank you. And you might get fucked by a crazy guy in the back after, too.

2:06:35Brian Redban:I gotta say, it's so great to hear Rob get to finish his thoughts completely uninterrupted. It almost seems like something's missing. That seems almost racist, what you just said. It is interesting. A black guy didn't finish the job. Oh, wow. Oh!

2:07:07Enough is enough! Tony, in front of your fucking audience. And I always respected you and I told you, there is not a platform in comedy that gives motherfuckers an opportunity to go from nobody knowing you to superstars. And I know what that podcast isn't. Yours.

2:07:35Just saying. I mean, that's very racist. I know. It meant a lot to me to be here, Tony. Can I tell you some emotional shit? No one's ever turned their chair around like that. You, we were supposed to. This is for the fans. We were supposed to. I want to I'm seeing a therapist now, right? Because I need help Teddy Swims is my therapist And I'm going to tell you this This is the realest shit, I'm going to be honest This is the realest shit Rod, I need a moment Teddy Swims is your therapist, the musician? Something's got a hole in me lately I want to say this

2:08:15Brian Redban:Your Teddy can't swims

2:08:21I'm feeling Like Obama chef drive. This is what I want to say. Ooh, Obama chef drive. This is abusive right now. Tony.

2:08:35Brian Redban:It's not nice being interrupted. Right, okay. I learned my lesson. John L.'s not going. Can you do this? Can you do this?

2:08:48Yeah, this one. Tony. Give the man a minute. Can you give me one minute uninterrupted?

2:08:54Brian Redban:Yes. Shit. Start the clock, Red Banner. Restart the clock. If you give me five fucking seconds uninterrupted. How about that? Is that racist? Give me it. Give the Filipino man something. This is what I want to say. One minute uninterrupted. You got it. The clock starts right now. Okay. Okay. Listen. I was there for you. You was there for me. my podcast you was there for me and the one thing i regret about our relationship is after you deal with that with the rnc or whatever that convention and you was hot everybody don't say what shut the up no you was hot i'm saying this is a real it's not a joke he was on fire i one thing i regret is because you wanted me to be on the show he was like donald let's go put it into this shit, come to the show, right?

2:09:48And I was excited about coming to the show. He was excited. I worked with it, but you was hot. You was hot. With Trump, you was hot with that shit.

2:09:58Brian Redban:It is true. Donnell is referencing that 24 hours after the Trump rally, when all of the news would not shut the fuck up about me. They wouldn't shut the fuck up about me. Donnell was the booked guest. Let's hear this, please, guys. And with 10 minutes before the show started, he told me that he can't be on the show, that the block is too hot. He can't be associated with me right now. No, I didn't say I couldn't be associated. No, I know, I know, I know. No, no, no, no, don't boo him. No, no, no, no, no, it's not like that. He is. But that's what he meant. He is.

2:10:34That's what I meant. That's exactly what I meant. And I know, I know. I was like this. I was like this. That was super fucking racist. I know, I know, I know, I know

2:10:48Brian Redban:I am in love with Rob Schneider Let the record show I love you baby He is you baby I love you And let me say this It was the hardest call to make Because we talked about it And we said D you can just come up there and walk off It was the hardest shit I called my publicist nine times I said what if I do this She said I don't know if that's a good idea I was like but that's my nigga right that's me that was his

2:11:22that's right a filipino man just used the n-word on the biggest podcast in the fucking world in the world in the world

2:11:34yo i know we're having fun but i just want to tell you this it's one thing to regret because i I was like this, I put somebody's what they, I said, it's not a.

2:11:58No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna say this. That was one minute. You sang through my minutes. I just want to say this. All jokes aside, whatever. He just wants to say. Because. He just wants to say. He's gonna say. He's about to say. He's interrupted while he's saying. But I think he's gonna squeeze it in. Because he's standing up. He's over his fucking minute. But he's gonna say it. And here it fucking comes.

2:12:35Brian Redban:I'm going to have to. We can do this. Hold on, hold on. You go ahead. We can clown all we want, but I'm telling you. No, no, no. We're kidding. We're kidding. Go ahead. Getting a taste of your own medicine here. Go ahead.

2:12:52It's whatever. I just want to say this. You can sing whatever. But I'm saying it's the one thing, because I said, as I told you, I said, yo, I wanted to be there for you and your show. I said, but right now, it feels like it's going to be political. you know he was a coward

2:13:10Brian Redban:go ahead no the block was so hot you guys don't understand i don't blame anybody for not making that episode that's what i respect about he was a

2:13:24Brian Redban:rob is getting i'd love for someone can we get a statistician to go through the episode and see how many times Donnell interrupted when Rob had more to say. And then we will see if Rob actually caught up during this part. No, he destroyed me. Because I think it's going to be neck and neck. I think you guys are going to break about dead even here. I am trying as a black man. Oh. Oh, well, in that case. Oh, no, don't do that. No, don't. I'm trying to have a moment. You're in Texas. Don't say as a black man. You're in Texas. What I want to say is I felt bad because and this is what I respect about you.

2:14:08I said, you said to me, you said, Donnell, I understand. But that understand, you said like, yeah, nigga, you got scared. Right? And I was a little nervous about this shit and I felt bad about it because our relationship is that when you call for me, I pulled up for you. In my little bullshit podcast... We can cut this part out. We're not. It's editable. You just take a little bit You cut this shit out An episode still works and it's funny This part could go This part could go This part could go Hold on, hold on I want to say this I know funny, and we can be funny all the time You can do that gag all you want It's still working And guess what?

2:14:53It's going to continue to work Because it's funny But the point I want to make, whether you know it or not But the thing I felt bad about is because when I called you to do my shit, my little podcast, you showed up for me, bro. And that thing that I fucking was mad about is that in that situation, you was a hee-haw. No, I'm telling you, I promise you, when it gets bigger, I'll show up too. You watch. I don't give a... You watch. When I tell you... Get big. Quick. I don't care about that. No, I don't either. I'm talking about... That's why I'm not going on your show. I'm sorry.

2:15:32we're even now we're fucking even tony you told me when to chill out can you tell this thing

2:15:37Brian Redban:of the chill out no doubt about it no doubt about it you're a legend i respect that isn't it crazy that the white guy on the show's named rob isn't this weird no this is what i want to say i can man it up i can man up this is what i want to say t this is what i want to say and I mean it. Y 'all can crack a joke or whatever but what I'm saying is what I'm telling you is that I respect you as a friend I felt bad that I couldn't show up then and I appreciate Stop it Rob please. Keep going. Keep going. Please don't do it. Keep going. What I'm saying is I appreciate what you are to comedy. Nobody has a platform like this when you give people opportunities like this.

2:16:23And I apologize that I didn't stick to my guns and be there for you, because you always been there for me. Yo, yo, I mean, after Juanita, people gonna think I'm sus. After Juanita. What I wanna say. I'm talking post-Juanita now. What I wanna say is this. Tony.

2:16:48Brian Redban:Yeah. I appreciate our friendship. Yeah. I appreciate what you mean to comedy. I remember a time when you went through that bullshit when they tried to cancel you, and everybody wasn't fucked with you. You stayed to your guns, and you did this shit. And right now, you have one of the biggest fucking shows on fucking whatever. And thank you. The central is there. The central is there. The fact that when I called you, I said, bro, I'm trying to come back with your show. And you said whatever you want to do, D. I mean, we can joke whatever. I love you, bro. Thank you. Donnell Rawlings. That's beautiful.

2:17:30Brian Redban:You know what? That was so good, I'm giving you a medium-sized joke book. Donnell Rawlings. There's a red band on that guy, by the way. Unbelievable. And let me tell you something. People are gonna say, Donnell interrupts, Donnell this, and people make their jokes about Chappelle and this and that, but let me tell you something. The reason why people make the Chappelle jokes about Donnell is because he was on the greatest comedy show of all time. And more than that, if you haven't, you absolutely have to see Donnell Rawlings live. He's always touring. DonnellRawlings.com. And the Donnell Rawlings show, available everywhere where shows are possibly available because he is a true fucking comedian.

2:18:19Brian Redban:Can I say one last thing? He wants to say one more thing. I'm rich, bitch! The Darnell Rawlings. Talkspace, PrizeFix, and Tagovas. How loud can this place get for first-time guest and nominee already for 2025 Guest of the Year, Rob Schneider!

2:18:47Brian Redban:He is on tour at RobSchneider.com. It has begun. Rob Schneider has entered the Kill Tony universe, and there's no going back. Future Austin resident Rob Schneider, the drawing from Ryan J. Ebeld, is in. Guys, he blended in like camouflage. How loud can this place get for one of the greatest comedians in the world? Ari Matty.

2:19:19Brian Redban:Let's see what Chris Rogers cooked up over there. Oh, it's Ari Matty. Unbelievable. Rob, is there anything else you'd like to say? Unbelievable first appearance on this show. It's an honor to be here, honestly. And Austin, they said it's the best audiences in the world, and I get it. You guys are the best. Thank you. You are the man, Rob Schneider. I love it, man. This is, by the way, a fun fact. this is very rare rarely happens because i've worked with and met almost everybody but this is the first time i've ever worked with rob schneider in any way and my god honor to be here what love love it first fucking whatever this is unbelievable if you want us i know you can't do it during the show but matt mulling and i've been on tour singing together and we can put a song together if you want yeah sister play us out play us out playing us out tonight guest of the year 2025 nominee Rob Schneider.

2:20:15Brian Redban:Thank you to Talkspace Prize Picks and Tegovas. Thank you to this audience. Red Band. Love you guys. One, two One, two, three Maybe a little sister.

2:21:02Brian Redban:The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:21:40Thank you.