#735 - TRIPLE H + CARROT TOP

16:57Brian Redban:on the other side of the world are much more frustrating than you probably. Yeah. Actually, people tell me, like, thank you for being so candid, because I'm like, the company doesn't care about you. The company doesn't care about me. They're like, I've been with the company for 15 years. And I was like, I've been with the company for seven years, and they got rid of my job. We're numbers on a graph, lady. Do they know, is AT &T on to you at all? or is this all going to be a big surprise? This is shocking that he still has a job in the way, right? It's been a year that I've been talking to customers like this.

17:28I accidentally... I probably... I cussed one of them out by accident. I forgot to mute my mic. Wow. It was 30 minutes. All she needed to do was accept the terms and conditions, and I go to mute my mic. I was like, I fucking hate you. I hate this fucking job. Please fucking kill me. And she's just like, are you okay? And I was like, oh.

17:51I wasn't muted. Sorry about that. I got lucky, though. She didn't report me because she thought I was talking about the computer. And she's like, it's okay. I fucking hate the Internet, too, and these computers. It's all right, sonny. And I'm like, ah, thank God.

18:03Brian Redban:That's amazing, Sean. What's the rest of your life like? What do you do for fun? Oh, used to rock climb a bit. I like going out in nature and hiking and stuff. Boofing. Boofing. Yeah, and boofing. And boofing. I want to try boofing some Molly. All right. Have you really been sober for nine months? Oh, from alcohol, yeah. I had a drink. Not a fucking shot.

18:31I fucking questioned nine minutes.

18:36I still smoke. California is sober, but saying sober just makes you feel better about yourself. It does? Yeah. I should have a chip, too, I think.

18:45Brian Redban:Do you go to meetings? How do you stay sober? What's your trick? I just stop drinking. I just don't buy drinks anymore. I was in Vegas, actually, recently. Didn't take any free drinks, and I was gambling the whole time. I'm there. I didn't see it. Can I do my drinking? I just made this. I mean, never tried this. Why not do it on live television and live Kill Tony? Oh, no. People get drunk, right? you're whatever you're drunk and guys punch the wall uh-huh you probably put too many walls but guys are like they break their hand they hit the wall they don't know this that so there should be a beer with a stud finder so you know exactly

19:31that might be the that might be the winner it won't go off if you wave it over me on one end from a boofing standpoint the stud finder is for the wall

19:44I prefer more like the blue moon size.

19:47Brian Redban:Have you ever actually boofed before? You brought that up. No, no, I haven't actually boofed. I sat on something by accident and it hurt and I don't really understand anal. The old whoops boof. No, just like something like Miss Oddly Shaped and I was like, why do people do anal? I was like, it hurts. Heck yeah. Let's go back to your love life for a second. When's the last time you had a girlfriend or were with a girl or anything like that. I recently got out of something like a month ago or so, and she has an expensive keyboard from me because she was like a nerdy girl that was playing video games.

20:24I was like, ah, I got an extra keyboard. And then she just ghosted me.

20:27Brian Redban:Like a computer keyboard? Yeah, I want my keyboard back because we never even played video games together. She just took my keyboard. Wow. It sounds like it's time for a new episode of the Nerds People Corps over here. On the boofing side, you might want to hit the first guy that was out here. I think his wife's got some tips for you that she might be able to help you out. She can fit a lot in there? You'd have to ask him. He seemed to enjoy it, though. Sean, this girl that ended up with your fancy keyboard, why did the relationship end? What was the last straw there? Can you give us a real example of what went wrong in that thing?

21:05It really just fizzled out. I kind of think I just committed too hard a little bit. But she also like posted or like set it up as like, I only want a relationship. I don't want to hook up. And I was like, yeah, that's why I'm not really hooking up right now. I'm not trying to get into anything. And so opened myself up and thought we were going for that. And it just didn't work out. Wow. Yeah. She was young too, 22. I'm 28. So I was like, I wasn't trying to get into anything. She just came over and was like talking to me a whole bunch. And I was like, yeah, I guess we can go out. This is very vulnerable for this show.

21:34What the fuck? I mean, yeah. This is the show. This is the show you're on. He's being Shiloh Booth. Hey! Good job, Red Band. Shiloh Booth. Have you gotten a big joke book and you're five times on the show? There you go.

21:52Brian Redban:Then you're all good. There he goes. Sean Stewart, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. Sean Stewart. Knocking it out. On to the next one we go. We're going to keep it moving. This is 60 seconds. Oh, the lovely Heidi is here, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Best drinks in the world, no matter what it may be. When she makes it, there's nothing better.

22:20All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Holder, everyone. Mike Holder. Here we go. Make some noise for Mike, everybody. Thank you guys very much. Thank you very much. I'm not sure if you guys know who I am, but I'm on a lot of street signs. It's the signs that say pedestrian crossing and I'm standing like this. Thought you might recognize me with my clothes on, maybe not. A couple of phrases that piss me off. I hate it when someone starts telling me a story and halfway through they say, anyway, long story short, then they continue to make the story longer. My God, man. What do we call people who wake up at sunrise?

22:56Early birds. As if they are late birds. I thought all birds wake up early. What, do you think there's a bird somewhere waking up at 10 o 'clock saying, oh, should I miss my flight? Would never fucking happen. Since they lock your phones away, I assume you haven't heard the news. Earlier today, a group of chickens were protesting the use of hormones. It was a peaceful protest, but some are raising canes. In tragic news, a fatal shooting at a golf resort resulted in a hole-in-one and three handicaps. It was tragic. Regarding the Epstein scandal, honestly, all this time, I was never interested in seeing the list.

23:32I just wanted to know why is that place still called the Virgin Islands? There's not a secret Virgin left. Thank you very much. I'll be Mike Holder.

23:43Brian Redban:Mike Holder. Surprisingly not the bucket pool that works customer service for AT &T. Close. I've worked sales for AT &T. I've worked sales for AT &T. Are you fucking serious? I swear to God, that's my last job. Wow. I swear to God. Wow. Spot on. Unbelievable. It's unbelievable. AT &T HR has a lot of work to do when this episode comes out. This guy's gone, this guy's getting a promotion. Mike Holder, how long have you been working for AT &T? Less than a year. Okay, how do you like it? Do they treat you well? Yeah, thank God. Wow, look at this. Isn't that amazing? This is like actual, their service.

24:25Brian Redban:You find out someone's got AT &T, one person hates it, the other person loves it. it works for me. I'm in sales. Oh, okay. So you're the one selling the shitty devices that poor Sean has to defend and fix for everybody. You got me. Amazing. How long have you been on stand-up, Mike? Three years, three and a half years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, I started in Arizona. Is that where you're from? No, I'm from Sudan. I'm not American. Sudan? Oh, my goodness. How long have you been in America? A little over five years. A little over five years. And you were born and raised in Sudan. Born and raised in Saudi Arabia, between there and Sudan.

25:04Saudi Arabia. Most of my life in Sudan, yeah. Okay. Wow.

25:07Brian Redban:Look at that. All right. So tell us about your times in Sudan and Saudi Arabia. Oh, normal, I guess, from our standards. Okay. When you say normal, what do you mean exactly? I mean, it's a hard life. There's a war-torn country now, Sudan, but... Can you tell us more about that? There's a lot of Americans that have no idea where Sudan is on a map. North Africa. Fun fact about Sudan, we've got more pyramids than Egypt. You have what? More pyramids than Egypt. Okay. Odd fact, but I guess that's the only thing that's good about it. All right. It's a messed up country, unfortunately. It's North Africa.

25:43War-torn because of political, and we are cursed with resources. Like what? Oil, gold. Stop, Redman. Oh, my God. How dare you do that? No, don't play the fly noise. That's not one of their many resources. Were there a lot of flies where you were?

26:05Brian Redban:No. No? No, thank God, no. All right, perfect. You have a girlfriend, Mike? Nope, single. Single. What type of girl are you into? What are you looking for? I don't know. I just know it when I see it, to be honest. I noticed when I asked that, you went like that with your hands. I said they're like something a little bit on the bigger side. No, no, maybe a Trump supporter. No. Okay. You just have no particular type? No, to be honest, I don't know. You don't know? Okay, European, maybe. European. Are you just saying a... No, that's the same thing. First thing that came to mind. Have you never thought of this before?

26:37Brian Redban:I don't think about it. I just don't know how to see it. I don't know what to say. Your last girlfriend, what did she look like? British. British. She looked British. She looked British. No, she was. Which means she probably... I checked the dental records. She's British. Right. Got it. What else are you into, Mike? You seem like a guy that has some interesting hobbies. Do you have any special skills or talents? I play soccer. I guess that's a special talent in America. Uh-huh. Not really. It's more exciting every year. He's on the sign. He's what? He's on the sign. His opening joke. He's the kind...

27:12He didn't listen. You know, I feel really bad for Triple H. You can't see my fucking hair the whole time. He can't see a goddamn thing. It's very easy to see through your hair. I'm trying to lean back. I don't know if you know what you're doing. It's like a perfect window. It's like a light mist.

27:33If I may say, I never would have expected to see Triple H and Carrots off on Paris. I had a feeling. We're always together. What are you talking about? We're always...

27:42Brian Redban:I love it. Mike, what's the most interesting thing about your life? You've lived in Sudan, Saudi Arabia. I mean, you've got to tell us something. You must have seen some crazy stuff or something, right? I've seen some crazy, unfortunate stuff in Sudan, but honestly, I don't. I'm just blessed to have traveled the world. I'm just blessed. You just completely skipped the question that I just asked on a live professional show. It was well executed, the question. Make some shit up, dude. I don't know how to make shit up. I don't know how to make shit up. Mike, you must have seen something interesting that Americans could never fathom in Sudan or Saudi Arabia, nothing at all.

28:17Brian Redban:All right.

28:21Red hand, come on, Red hand. I'll try that. I don't know. Nothing?

28:27Brian Redban:You don't have an answer to that question? Sad stories in Sudan about waiting for fuel for a whole day. I don't know what to tell you. Sad stories waiting for... Waiting for fuel? Waiting in line for fuel, waiting in line for bread. We've all waited in line. There was a long line at the Chevron the other day. That's no big deal. I've been through that. I waited like 10 minutes. Is that what it was like? There was a car. There was some lady parked the wrong way at the pump. No, so the pump was working. You actually had gas, so you're blessed. All right, Mike. One of the most depressing bucket pools in the history of the show.

28:59But fun times, you did it. You got up. Here's a little joke book. Congratulations, Mike Holder, everyone. We're flying through it tonight, everybody. Can I... Hey, Tony. Yes. Can I do... Only because last time I was on the show, people say, how did you have a prop for everything? You have a Sudan-Saudi Arabian super prop? No, I wish I did. But everyone talked about working for phone companies. So I've got a phone one. This is good. Oh, it got quiet. No, you like it. This is a cell phone case so your girlfriend or wife can't get into them when you go to bed at night. Now, it was a Trump joke because he can't tweet, right?

29:35Stop tweeting. But it's better just that generic guys can't. It's all fucking cracked and broke. Thank you, American Airlines. lines. Just as a warning to you down here, like take my advice, do not look directly into the box. I glanced in that thing. I fucking regret it.

29:57I've made that mistake before. It is very frightening over there. There's a lot of, a lot of, a lot of, a lot of boofable objects in that treasure chest.

30:12Brian Redban:No, there's some good ones. We're going to be... Keep it moving along here. Maybe we'll get more out of Carrot Top's treasure chest in a bit. Your next comedian doing an uninterrupted minute goes by the name of Matt Rivera, everybody. Here we go. Matt Rivera.

30:30My grandpa just had a kid?

30:38Yeah, it's actually pretty fucked up. I don't think that old people should have kids after a certain point. I think it's inconsiderate to the rest of your family. You know? It really screws up your family tree. Like, why the fuck do I have a two-year-old uncle?

30:59It used to be you respect your uncle. Now it's don't drop your uncle.

31:07also he's not that different from a regular uncle you know very handsy

31:14he refuses to put down the bottle and he sucks on my fingers too long

31:26thank you

31:31Thank you. Matt Rivera, rock solid minute. Welcome, welcome.

31:37Brian Redban:Thank you. Happy to be here. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, I've been on twice. Okay. Remind us, what happened those last times you were on? What were the highlights or lowlights? So the first time I got pulled was the day before election day, and I'm Puerto Rican. Ah. somehow there were like five Puerto Ricans pulled that episode in an absolute anomaly showing how great God's sense of humor is. Made no mathematical sense whatsoever. So you were one of those. I remember that. That was a big deal at the time. Turns out you guys loved to vote for the correct candidate. Did you vote? Yeah, I did.

32:18Brian Redban:Matt, what do you do for work? I still work at NADC Burger. Oh, nice. Hell yeah. One of the best burgers in the city. No doubt about it. Yeah, pretty solid. You're a chef? Yeah, I make burgers and fries and whatnot. Hell yeah. And they're very strategic about how they make a burger. No adjustments allowed. No. Yep. They're just like, this is how it is. Either take it or fuck off. That's kind of our thing. That's amazing. So what else is going on in life? What have you been doing for fun? um i have been just so rapidly producing shows honestly i'm like way too invested in comedy i produce shows every single day wow like stand-up shows stand-up comedy all around town putting them on booking people selling tickets all right that's fun but to get away from it all a non-stand-up thing what do you do i like to do random shit that i wouldn't normally do like go swimming Wow, look at that That is, I guess, random Where exactly are you swimming at?

33:27Barton Springs, usually on the freeside

33:29Brian Redban:Alright, that makes sense Anything fun ever happen when you're out there swimming? Well, the thing about the freeside It's very slippery and there's a lot of pointy rocks Keep going So you're essentially paying for the experience of not slipping and bleeding in the water. And I have diabetes, so it takes a little longer for me to heal. How'd you get diabetes? What was your snack of choice?

34:09So I got diagnosed when I was 14 years old. Keep with the fun music. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. 14? Yeah, diagnosed at 14. I was eating those Hostess donuts. It's type 1, though. It's not like the fat kind. Eh.

34:32I'm working on it.

34:33Brian Redban:Okay. So how did you find out? You were eating the Hostess donuts and what? You passed out or something? No, I just kept peeing a lot. Then we went to Disney World the next week. and we tested my blood sugar, and it was super high. Wow. You tested it at Disney? Yeah, well... You went to the happiest place on Earth to get your diabetes test? That's a goofy decision. I didn't go there... It wasn't my intention. It just, like, happened. Hi! Hi, blood sugar. You're gonna lose a foot. Yeah, you're gonna lose a foot. Oh, no. You're gonna have this for the rest of your life.

35:35Brian Redban:How did they break the news to you? Was it like that? Was it at Disney World? Was it like at the end of a ride or something? Did they take a picture? Like, you're like at the top of the... When the roller coaster goes down, you're like, no.

35:53Why Disney? I still don't get the Disney part. Tony, you're acting like I chose that place. No, this is perfect. Your parents have a great sense of humor. Let's take him to Disney. It'll soften the blow. We know he's got it. They had some specifics. I just want to know, how the fuck does that even happen? When you go to Disney, how do you find out that you have diabetes? Like, what is the situation that takes place where people ask you the next day, how was Disney? Fuck, I got diabetes. I mean, have you seen what they serve for food and drinks at Disney? Yeah, but it doesn't come with, like, an alarm when you eat it that says, fuck, you just got diabetes.

36:32Like, how did that come about? Oh, well, my mom is also diabetic, so she kind of knew what to expect.

36:38Brian Redban:Ah, that's what happened. Yeah. So do you guys have a new diet plan? What changed? Let me ask you, though. They don't go to fucking Disney anymore. That's for sure. You don't want to get double diabetes. I got a prop. I got a little prop. Hold on. Carrot Top's got... I looked in there again. No, it's great. I got to stand up for this one. Fuck. Oh, here we go. By the way, these legs don't come like that. You got to work them. Wow. You know it's bad when Red Band goes, Ew. You got that fly noise again? It's a towel when you go to Disney.

37:18He can walk around the pool. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Ah, fuck. I don't know why I did that one. That was perfect. It seemed like the thing to do. You know that picture's going to be on the internet of me sitting there looking at carrot top shit hanging out of his towel.

37:43Are you wearing a skirt? No, it's shorts. They're shorts. No, they're shorts. No, it's not a skirt. Of all the shit right here, that's what you picked up? Yeah, yeah. That's fucked. No, it's your shorts. They come in men's. I didn't get them. But the, you know. So the diabetes thing. Yeah. Off.

38:09Brian Redban:Is that what that little thing is on your belly there? Is that what I'm seeing? Is that a little diabetes plug hole? Oh, yeah, it is. Look at that. Yeah, it's a Dexcom. It's Bert Kreischer, everybody. I love it. That's incredible. Absolutely amazing. So what do you do with that? You just take that and pop the cap off and like pour cans of Coca-Cola in there or something? No, so it's a glucose monitor. The other day I actually, I went into a bar and I got frisked and somebody thought I was wearing a wire. Oh, yeah. What a terrible way to die. You don't have to put it there, right? Like I've seen it on people's arms and stuff.

38:53You don't have to put it there. Yeah, but the thing about the arms is that if I'm changing my shirt, it'll snag and rip off and they're really expensive to replace. so I put it here where there's the least amount of activity

39:10that was great

39:18Brian Redban:amazing amazing Matt well fun times you got up again congratulations you already have a big joke book? I do I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday There you go. Matt Rivera just booked a real spot on a real show. Boom. Amazing. There goes Matt. All right. Let's get another bucket pull up here. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only. This looks like a first-time name if I've ever seen one. It's Spencer Eskridge. Spencer Eskridge.

39:56Hi, I'm Spencer. Yes, sir. Spencer. If I was born a girl, though, my mom said she was going to name me Shay Lynn. Whatever. My mom's name is Shayna Laurie. Her aunt's name is Shayna Carroll. So my first cousin, Shy Ann, has two belligerently insane Aunt Shayna's. so shana loreen right there in the middle just so anal retentive can't spell shana loreen without a-n-a-l right there in the middle but last time i took 250 milligrams of sunshine lsd it was covid i was dating a bad alcoholic and i put on a long skirt and let my fucking hair down and there she was, Shaylin. I watched Gone with the Wind for four and a half hours and just fucking cried my eyes out.

40:49Being a woman is very gay. That poor, poor Shaylin, though, bless her fucking heart.

41:00Brian Redban:Okay, you just stopped right there. All right. Wow. How long you been doing stand-up, Spencer? Couple years on and off, mostly in North Houston. Okay, all right. How long have you been the world's best-fed pirate? That's fucking... I did the same thing when you walked out. I'm glad you called it pirate. Everybody's like, you walk like Jesus. I say, I'm going for a fucking pirate, not prophet. Somebody told you you look like Jesus? I had a dude ask... Dean Madness, what did I tell you about talking to people before you feel them completely? nobody in the world thinks you look like jesus unless they're a true atheist that'll cause you to not believe in religion if jesus came back and he's like hey it's me i swear i'm spencer eskridge people would be burning their bibles in the streets i can't believe i bought into that bullshit for so long triple h just must be excited for you to see all the world's worst WWE superstars mashed into one character.

42:08This looks like something that fucking Mick Foley would have living in a doghouse in his backyard. Rubber bands in your beard. I had one earlier, and it busted, and then somebody next to me was like, hey, I have a whole other little bag of rubber bands. I said, wow, if that's not ordained by God himself. And then that one broke, too. So here we are.

42:31Brian Redban:I think the rubber bands are jumping for freedom. Oh. All right. Oh, nice. Spencer, tell us about your life. What exactly do you do for a living looking like that? I manage a brewery a little east of Bastrop. I got nominated for Best Bartender in Bastrop County. I'm still waiting on the results. Wow. When do you find out the results? I feel like you're going to get your results when you go to Disney World. Fuck, dude. they said they said November and I'm like that's quite a ways away it's online, don't we have the capacity to tally that in the moment? Are they voting? Yeah, it was online I had people from other places just use the zip code for our county but hey, they still voted for me What do you think makes you the best bartender in Bastrop?

43:18I won't shut up

43:19Brian Redban:Oh, okay That's the worst Trauma dumping jokes about beer names, it's relentless. You have jokes about beer names? Basically, the people there hoping they vote for him, he gets a better job someplace else. Yeah, exactly. Maybe like AT &T or something. Right, yeah.

43:43Brian Redban:Yes. So, when you're doing this bartending, what's the craziest thing that has ever happened inside of one of your bars? I found out like one of my regulars was slapped by the mayor of my town I bartended. It's Smithville. Okay. Just east of Bastrop. They film like a lot of movies there and like they won't put in a Walmart or anything. They keep it small and text is like picturesque because Hope Floats was fucking filmed there and they have a real acclimation to that movie. But it's senseless. There's been Brad Pitt movies filmed there. I can't quite figure you out. You don't sound like or talk like what you look like.

44:32Brian Redban:You've had five therapists? Yeah, two of them tried to fuck me. Wow, tell us about that. They told you to lay down on a couch and you think they're trying to fuck you? No, dude. It was therapists. He thinks they're doing S &M when they try to put a straitjacket on him. Let me just say, if somebody says fuck you, that doesn't mean they're trying to. No, fuck them. Tell us about these therapists trying to fuck you because I don't believe it. Okay, I'll tell you. I need therapy. I was just talking about, I got caught with like nine grams of mushrooms in 2014 in Houston and they're like, hey, you want a second degree felony?

45:11I said no. They're like, cool, pee in a cup for two years. Did a deferred adjudication, it's not on my shit, but I had to have state sanctioned therapy. The first lady, Denise, I just cracked the egg a little and that bitch was like, I'm retiring. And so I got bounced between two young women, 23, 24. I'm going to say their fucking names, Amanda and Karina. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. They already lost their licenses.

45:36Brian Redban:No, it's okay. Just tell us what they did. No one cares about their names. I'm real thick-headed. I don't know when people are flirting with me. Tell this story. But they made it very apparent. Like how? Well, when Denise was like, I'm retiring, they're like, oh, we'll double team you and pass you back and forth for individual sessions. And then I'd just be sitting on their couch and they're like, so how long have you been single? They're asking you about your life. No. Yes. They got. Holy shit. This is incredible. You think your therapists are trying to fuck you because they're asking you questions like a girl would if you're on a date?

46:15Yeah, fuck, right? In a different way than you would. This is fucking amazing. As stupid as I am, I could tell something was weird, and I knew what was weird when they didn't show up to work one day, and then we found out they've both been fucking a 17-year-old in the program. One of the ladies is engaged to a sheriff, and they just stopped coming to the fucking counseling center. And then the kid who was considered a victim of the system was getting them cocaine and all this shit. We need names. No, Carrot Dog, no. Don't name any names. Right now. We have to bleep it out. Don't do it. No, don't do it.

46:51Jesus, don't do it, Spencer. Don't do it. So everybody at court, when you get released from the program, you get a second to turn around and say something to the grand audience about your experience. And everybody's like, what the fuck is he going to say? He's been advised not to say shit. And then he walks up in front of everybody and goes, well, it's been fun. Walked out of the courtroom, a fucking legend. He told me. He was way too cool with me. He's like, you know they were trying to, like, menage a trois, whatever the fuck that shit is. Me, you. I'm like, this is weird. Just go. I don't need to know that.

47:30I'm already P-shy. I'm already having a time with this shit as it is.

47:34Brian Redban:So you never had sex with any of the therapists, the female therapists? You could have just left it at you have never had sex. Do you have an active sex life? I have two kids. Oh, my God. How old are your kids? So, my daughter just turned two, and my son just turned one on the sixth. How often are you around these children? Sundays through Wednesdays. As much as the law allows. Oh, yeah. They're funny, dude. I don't know how I got lucky the way I got lucky. That is incredible. How are they funny? What do they do that's funny? Before, like, my daughter could talk, like, she's cute. Let me guess, she tried to fuck you?

48:18One time she looked at me and she was all like, da-da, and I'm like, oh, no, you don't. Oh, no. Oh, no. Well, here it is. Ménage a trois. She crawled to me. Yeah.

48:40Brian Redban:I want to go to bed. Hey, stop trying to fuck me. You're my little girl. Don't do that, dude. Everyone's trying to fuck me, dude. The police got behind me. They're like, pull over. I'm like, not with mine, you don't. Stop trying to fuck me, officer. This one lady made me pee in a cup. What's she doing with that urine? So you peed in a cup for a couple years and you ended up getting off of everything? You look like you peed in a mason jar for a couple years. They're airtight. You collect things? What are your hobbies? Witchcraft. I don't know. Really? Yeah. What's the craziest witchcraft thing you've ever tried?

49:23Brian Redban:I don't know. I gave a palm reading and a tarot reading at Shakespeare's just now for fun. What fun? Do you even know what you're doing? Yeah. Does anyone? Okay. Yes, they do. Clearly, you don't believe in your therapist. But there are some pros out there. Fun time, Spencer. You're a very interesting character. Congratulations. Go raise those kids. There he goes. Spencer Eskridge. Wow. So many compelling characters come out of the bucket. Your next comedian is one of those people that we found out of the bucket a long time ago. We've watched him grow for years. A very, very compelling character.

50:07a fan favorite, make some noise for the return of the one and only Uncle Lazor.

50:29As y 'all know, I was in a Western about a year ago, and it's going to release a couple weeks. It had to r**p in it.

50:45And there's really not an acting class for r**p. Like anybody ever r**ked anybody before? Well,

50:57they paid me 10 grand, so there I am on set getting ready to r**p. And, uh, and, uh, I don't think you just go up to someone and go, hey, I'm going to rip you, you know. I feel like you got to rough them up a little bit, soften the meat. And I was working with this little French actress. Fuck the French, you know. And I'm asking her between the sets, I'm like, hey, am I hitting you too hard? Is there anything I could be doing better? She's smoking a little cigarette.

51:29How long you been acting? I said, about six hours. She said, well, we're acting, so act. it. When the director called action for the next take, I clotheslined that bitch into hell. I said, I'm not a f***er, my boyfriend is. My name's Uncle Lazer, y 'all been great. All right, Uncle Lazer. Very, very interesting set.

51:58Brian Redban:Is that true? What? The part? Yeah, unfortunately. So that was your scene in the movie? Yeah. I mean, I die before I get to finish it, but I was still hard the whole time.

52:20Brian Redban:Uncle Lazor. I ran up them stairs. I got heartburn. Sorry. How do you feel, buddy? You good? Yeah, I'm good. No one knows what you're talking about. So you want to explain to the people what you mean by you ran up the stairs? I didn't know that I was next. And so I had to... Yeah. Anyway, we're good. That's great. You're handling it like a real pro. I'll tell you. Absolutely perfect. So what else is going on, Uncle Lazer? A very, very rape-heavy set. We might actually have to cut it due to new YouTube regulations. Wait, can I do a prop real quick? Yeah, I have a prop. It turns out if you say the word rape like twice in two minutes, like it just...

52:58I knew I should have said fucking grape. I knew it. Yeah.

53:02Brian Redban:It's a thing. You want to take it from the top? No. I'm kidding. I know. I'm out of breath. Let's see what the carrot top's got something. I have a prop. Yeah. I don't know if it's related. Oh, okay. There's. It's a, it's a purse. When, when women have a, when women have a restraining order against a guy, you can tell exactly how far to fucking stay away. You know how many feet, how many feet is it? Yeah, exactly. I have a lot of free time. This is literally... This is amazing. I built that fucking just... She's not amazing. I can't believe how much you get paid to make these things. Carrot Top.

53:40Like, I always thought that you would have, like, this state-of-the-art stuff. Who else has a purse with a tape measure in it? Nobody. As I've gotten closer to Carrot Top, I realize he's just fucking super-gluing two things. He's managed to make$50 million just going, Let's put it together. Well, wait a minute. So if you like coffee and people drink coffee and they like writing things, look at this. It's a Sharpie with a coffee mug. You take a sip, you can write with it. It's amazing. No, they got to make sense. That's fucking, look. There's a lot of people that like smoking cigarettes and also knowing what the temperature is.

54:18I took a thermometer and I put it on a pack of cigarettes. I get out of the cigarette and you can look at the temperature at the same time. I'm going to put that in the truck. It's going to be doing it in Vegas the next week. I'm in the mood for a cigarette. Oh, it's 73 degrees. Perfect. Absolutely amazing. No, but you got to fuck. Oh, man. There's more to it than that. Here's one. No, just because you're being a fuckhead.

54:51So, Jesus. So, people like... Some people like toilet paper over the roll. Some people like it under, right? So, see, this is clever, fucker. So, if you want it under, it goes under, and if you want it over, you flip it. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's not a fucking cigarette with a temperature.

55:18Yeah. That's amazing. I'm going to leave all this here when I'm done, by the way. It's just a loose toilet paper. I mean, it takes a little time. You're right. You're right. Some are different. Some are different. It's one of the few useful things in the box. Yeah. There's some... That was... You're funny, by the way. Yeah. I'm sorry to cut you off with all my stupid shit. No, I... Yeah. We'll go through. We'll... You wipe back to front or front to back? I have people wipe me. I don't know what... Yeah, that's right. And one day, if you connect enough objects together, you'll have somebody to wipe your ass with.

56:14So, Laser, when does this movie come out? Into October. It's a series, like a six-part series. Okay. I'm only in that one episode. All right, there you go. You did it again. We're gonna have to beep through. We're gonna bleep every single one of these. So just don't say it anymore. All right, I won't say it anymore.

56:31Brian Redban:It comes out in October. What's it called? An outlaw named Bob. An outlaw named Bob. Wow. Sounds... Yeah, sounds made up. I know. And they wanted me to, you know. Better than a fest, you know? Oh, there it is again. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Everybody's coming. It's gonna sound like a Bud Light with a stud finder connected to it. the part of this thing. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Uncle Lazer, what else is going on in your real life? You're here in Carrot Top, Triple H. I gave you a little heads up, because you're an old pal. I warned you a few days ago. You might want to be there on Monday. And I told you who's coming.

57:09Brian Redban:And of course, like a real fucking... Well, I plan these out. Fartboy Mark super fan. You wore your DX shirt. Dusted it off. It's all about the... Listen, I actually plan my outfits out in advance. so this was... Alright, I did wear it. I did wear it. It was a terrible one. Big fan! I almost wore my leather jacket too, dude. Yeah. Is there anything you want to say to the man himself? Two-time Hall of Famer, ESPN and WWE, fully connected, coming together, two iconic brands. Wrestle Palooza, September 20th, John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar, epic stuff, all created by the mastermind himself, Triple H. is there anything you want to say to him?

57:53Brian Redban:Yes, actually there is.

57:59No, seriously though.

58:09I'm trying to... Do you ever just miss it? You miss just hitting somebody over the head with a steel chair? Or maybe a sledgehammer is your... choice of weapon it's all about the game and how you play

58:36Brian Redban:uncle ladies yeah that was good a true fan oh thanks we've been talking wrestling and comedy for a long time now many a daytime what can i ask a real question though yeah um did you like being in the faction dx more than the solo stuff or did you have more fun with that like what was what was your favorite part of your historic career the part where you remember that that was when i had the most fun like creative freedom all that stuff dx is the crazy yeah um the heel stuff for me was always where i wanted to be in my career but if you're just saying just having a crazy time dx was just we all roll up in that goddamn tank come on man let it was it was just us thinking about what dumb shit can we do this week yeah yeah and vince just letting y 'all fly with it at that time at first no and then once it started working yeah once it started working we were we had kind of do what you want to do thing but at first it was we were threatening to get fired every week so yeah i'm sure you get it oh yeah he deals with the exact same thing Trust me.

59:43It did not work at first for him either. It's been a common theme coming out here tonight, I feel like. Oh, yeah. Well, Uncle Lazor, you did it. You got up again. Congratulations. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, guys. Uncle Lazor. Coming back to the bucket we go. We're coming around the corner now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool, Ronaldo Mercado, everyone. Here comes Ronaldo.

1:00:11What's up, guys? I've lived here. I've lived in Austin for about a year now. I haven't been able to fit in yet. I lived here for a year. Everybody here, they're hot. People look good. They care about diet, exercise. Ugh. That's why I like the rest of Texas. I fit in in the rest of Texas. Here in Austin, I wear an extra large. I'll admit that. This is an extra large T-shirt. I weigh 225. You can see my belly when I put my hands in the air. Fuck you guys. I don't care. Okay? In Austin, this is fat, but in the rest of Texas, I look pretty good, okay? When I go down to San Antonio, I'm petite, okay?

1:00:48All right? I was here in Austin. I had to ride a Lime Scooter last week. I'm not proud of it, but I did. I had to be somewhere fast, and I was on my Lime Scooter, and it's a bad look. You can admit that. The Lime Scooter's a bad look. This. Bing, bing. It's a bad look, but I had to ride on out of necessity. When I was on my Lime Scooter, another dude rode past me on his Lime Scooter, And when he rode past me, he looked me in the eyes and he gave me one of those. Like it was a fucking Jeep thing. Like we were in a club together. Don't do that, okay? Look, if you give somebody a little wave on a motorcycle, hell's angels.

1:01:20You give them a wave on a lime scooter, Charlie's angels. It's a lot different. I think you can have a secret wave on the lime scooter. The guys on the lime scooter can have a wave, but it's got to be this right here. There you go. all the way to the finish line. Ronaldo Mercado with jokes all the way to the bear. Good job, Ronaldo.

1:01:40Brian Redban:How long have you been on stand-up now? I just hit seven years. You were just on very recently, right? Yeah, a couple months ago. How's it going? Everything's good? Yeah, everything's great, actually. I work at the Sunset Strip now as a door guy. Nice. Congratulations. Red Band's Club, a must-see all-entertainment spot, right? Just a block away. How's it been working there? what's it like having red band as a boss does he fart a lot does he he's pretty chill he kind of comes and goes you know what I mean he just kind of comes by you say well I go hey Brian he goes that's him that's right 12 and a half years of that every Monday with him

1:02:22see you next week Ronaldo what are you doing for fun for fun Here I've been trying to go to more shows. Like music shows? Yeah, hardcore shows, stuff like that. I like to ride my bike. I'm a BMX rider. Oh, wow. I ride bikes and skate parks, yeah.

1:02:39Brian Redban:Look at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a big boy for a BMX rider, huh? I am a bit of a fat fuck, okay? I will admit that. I know I have an app on my phone. It's called Rocket Money. Do you guys know about Rocket Money? It's an app that keeps track of your finances. It sent me a notification, and it said, hey, Renaldo, you spent 17 % more this week than you normally do, and then they sent me an emoji of a cheeseburger. to let me know that I ate so much fast food it impacted my financial portfolio. Wow. Incredible. What type of fast food are you getting into? What's your favorite nowadays? Pete Terry's Rules.

1:03:12Brian Redban:Wow. Obviously. That big pop from the crowd for Pete Terry's. Pete Terry's Rules, yes. My goodness. I'm from the Midwest. We didn't have In-N-Out. They have In-N-Out here now. It's pretty cool. Yeah. I like that. Anywhere else I can get burgers? Three-year-old school, just normal Burger King, McDonald's, Midwest. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. I like to, okay, I will, I'll ride home, I'll drive late at night, and I'll stop at a McDonald's on the way home, and then I'll get it. I'll get a double cheeseburger. I'll get two double cheeseburgers. And then I eat them before I get home and then I don't tell my girlfriend about it.

1:03:47That's fat fuck behavior. Okay. Wow.

1:03:50Brian Redban:Where do you keep where on your body do you keep your glucose checker? Not diabetic yet. Amazing. Amazing. Don't go to Disney. Yeah. Don't go to Disney. It's going to be a t-shirt by the end of this episode. Don't ever do that on your scooter again. That's a good move. Thanks. Ronaldo what's your love life like? You have a girlfriend? Yeah, I've been in a relationship we've been together for nine years now Wow, nine years what does she do? She actually works box office here at the club she just started working here Wow, at the mothership incredible look at that looks like you're going to be getting more P.

1:04:28Brian Redban:Terry's though Yeah, we've been together nine years we don't really wear condoms or anything like that so I fucking nine years thank you nine years Never worn a condom, never had a pregnancy scare. I mean, I fucking... Do I rule or what? I kind of kill it at pulling out. That's amazing. I have fun with the pull-out. I pull out, I comb it her belly button, I call it the kiddie pool, I splash around in there. A little bit. I get my little P. Terry in there, and I splash around in the front lawn. You're a funny guy, Ronaldo. Ronaldo, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. You get to perform at the club and you work at Ronaldo Mercado.

1:05:15Both on The Secret Show. We're flying through it now. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. It's Aaron Silverstein. Looks like a new name. We love new names around here. Aaron Silverstein is next. Heck yeah, here he is. Come on, make some noise for Aaron, everybody. I'll pass him, man.

1:05:39You've got your outdoor bugs. And you've got your indoor bugs. You've got bugs.

1:05:56I've got bugs. In other words, I've got bugs. It's the cheapest rent you can get. In Austin, you're looking through the pages. You know, I'm trying to get the cheapest rent I can get.

1:06:15Bugs.

1:06:20Fucking carrot tops here?

1:06:25I'm into it. Who would have thought dreams can come true?

1:06:37All right, Aaron Silverstein. Unbelievable. Normally, Silversteins are much better at show business than whatever the actors are. It's like they say that we're the chosen people.

1:06:48Brian Redban:Uh-huh. Well. He's now dumber. There you go. Aaron, how you doing, buddy? You okay? Yeah, I'm doing great. How long you been doing stand-up? Not long. I bet. I fucking hope not. Two hours. You just started? What made you want to start now? Yeah, I recently started. Yeah. You decided that you wanted to... Let me guess. No, please don't. You decided you wanted to get out of the corporate world forever. You were sick of putting on a suit and tie every day, and now you're chasing... I wish. Okay, tell us about your life. How did you end up like this? Oh, God. It's a long story. He owns AT &T. It's a long story.

1:07:24Brian Redban:I've been around. Okay. You can start it anywhere, Aaron. If the interview is as bad as the set, this isn't going to last much longer, Aaron. Oh, God. Oh, sweet mother of God. Colorado, actually. Oh, that explains it all. I was in Colorado for a while. Okay, perfect. What do you do for work? I was a cannabis grower for a little while. Really? Yeah. Did you smoke some of it? I did. You did? I did. Yeah. I did. How much exactly do you have to smoke before you just keep saying the word bugs over and over again? without any real setup or point or... Aaron? You have to sit. You okay? What's going on, buddy?

1:08:08Brian Redban:This is very surreal. What are you on right now? Did you drink before this? They called it a Jeffrey. What? They called it a Jeffrey. Who's they? Who's they? Aaron, over here. Over here. Who's they? What are you talking about? Just new friends. Okay. I've never felt safer, by the way, sitting next to... Yeah, exactly. I know. You got closer to him. I got fucking Triple H. I got this. I'm serious. I'm fucking... Dude, I feel fucking safe. I don't think you exactly needed Triple H to beat the shit out of Aaron Silverstein. I'm pretty sure you could kick him through that fucking brick wall over there.

1:08:53Fucking Carrot Top, man. Yeah.

1:08:56Brian Redban:All right. Unbelievable. Okay, Aaron. Most interesting thing about your life and your entire history, the craziest fun fact about Aaron Silverstein that we would find interesting on a big live show, now would be the time to say it into the tip of that red microphone. I was a methed-out superhero for a little while. Explain to us what you mean by that. This is an important part of the story. Explain to us what you mean when you say you were a methed-up superhero. Well, I mean, it's a long story. Well, why don't you make it a short story? All right, well... No, I mean, I just had a whole fucking thing.

1:09:38I was, like... I was the circuit. That was your superhero name? The circuit? Yeah, the circuit. Okay, and what did the circuit do? A lot of jokes is what it did. A lot of fucking jokes.

1:09:56Brian Redban:You don't seem like a big meth head type. I seem like a businessman, I guess, apparently. Well, it seems like... Somebody said... Yeah, do you know what your fucking face looks like? Do you only do drugs off of mirrors? Do you ever look at them? All right, Aaron. You're out of your goddamn mind. Yeah, well... I love it. Here's a little joke book. Hey, thanks, man. Boom. There he goes. Aaron Silverstein, everybody. Wow. One of the oddest characters. I mean, you look like you would have been hilarious, by the way. Bugs, come on. There you go. Heron Silverstein. Go the way you came. He spent all his time on the professional Mike Griff.

1:10:39Yeah. But none on the jokes. Yeah, not at all. I got to do one because it's too good. Oh, yes. Not the last guy. That was just the other guy that said he came in his belly. Uh-huh. Okay, Carrot Top. It's the Pee Wee Herman doll. Look at that. Oh, that's amazing.

1:10:59It's a Pima Herman doll that shoots cum out of it. Don't spray Dean Hatties with that. Don't you dare shoot Dean Hatties. No, I'm not going to do that. I know better than that. Stop. Stop.

1:11:13Brian Redban:Here I thought he was just attaching two things to one another. And it's orange. I did not plan that. I love that. Sorry for everything. He's such a good sport. All right. Wow. How do you top that? The Pee Wee Herman coming doll. I mean, we're going to have to find out. I got another bucket pool here, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Cameron Mai, everybody. It's Cameron Mai.

1:11:46Yes, hello. I had a polyamorous mom when I was a child. And sometimes when I tell people that, they get very sad, which I don't understand. Uh, cause to me your childhood is just your childhood, you know? I didn't really know mine was that different from anyone else's until I reflected on the number of stepdads. And I love my stepdads, cause they taught me that it really does take a village.

1:12:11To make my mom come. That is... You guys ever walk in on your parents wrestling and it's the Royal Rumble match? That's... It's a bit different.

1:12:29Sometimes when you, like, you tell people stuff like that about yourself, they get curious. They want to know if you think it affected your sexuality today. I don't think so, because I'm in a long-term monogamous relationship with my bidet. We're growing pretty strong. But I definitely, I think it affected my sexuality, like, when I was growing up, you know, because... Trying to jerk off with more than two parents. It's like trying to assassinate the president today. Because, like, realistically speaking, there's no way they didn't see me on that roof. Boom. Cameron Mai. Talking about his poly mom.

1:13:11There it is. That's the look. I said to Triple H during it, After your Royal Rumble joke, I go, the funny thing is I don't even think he's seen you yet. That was great. My reaction was priceless. The guy that actually controls the Royal Rumble. Yeah. It was a great one. I'll call your mom.

1:13:41Entrant number one. Yes.

1:13:44Brian Redban:It's amazing. It's amazing. Everyone from your childhood, we have Triple H here and the monster that's been hiding under your bed.

1:13:54Oh, man.

1:13:55Brian Redban:Cameron, hi. How old are you, Cameron? I'm a 22-year-old open mic comedian. Well, we know that. Yeah. We knew the last part. 22 years old. You got a job? Yeah, yeah. I work at... Well, you know, this is actually interesting. I work at, you know, Elon Musk's Neuralink? Uh-huh. I work for their biggest competitor. It's called Paradromics. I'm a manufacturer. I helped manufacture brain-computer interface. Wow. Incredible. The story of a young supervillain. Stay away from the meth, or else you'll end up saying bugs over and over again. Unbelievable. Do you have one? Do I have what? Fuck no. First of all, it's not meant for me.

1:14:44The technology is way behind on that, but also I would never get one even if it was for that. Okay, wow. I see you don't work on the marketing team. Incredible. You know how people that make Twitter don't let their kids use Twitter? I don't know about that. Oh, okay. Well, never mind then.

1:15:02Brian Redban:Cameron, you're 22 years old. Tell us what you do for fun. What are the 22-year-olds doing for fun nowadays? Oh, man. I know. Here it is. Sorry again. Sorry again. They're having a good old time. They're in the splash zone. They got spit on by Triple H an hour ago. They've been having the time of their lives ever since. Covered in, yeah. Exercise, video games. I'm pretty simple. It's mostly stand-up. I'm very, I'm trying to commit myself to stand-up a lot. I love that. And how long have you been doing it already? You're 22? About four years. Four years. Wow. That's a great start. Not much can stop someone that started that young and works at it as hard as you.

1:15:46Brian Redban:Yeah. You must have some hobbies, though, when you want to let loose a little bit. What do you do? Do you have a girlfriend or something? I do have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend that I love very much. Oh, wow. Now we don't believe you. That sounds suspicious when you say it like that. Well, I do. She yells at you sometimes? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can tell. That's why you have to be like, I love her very much. It's a hostage situation over here. I have a girlfriend. I love her. She's the best. Yeah. What has she yelled at you about in the past? What have you done that made her upset? Um, just being mean to her friends.

1:16:21Ah, she has annoying friends. She has annoying friends that have never had, like, a man talk to them like they're not trying to fuck them. Right. She has hot friends and I'm just treating them like they're regular people and they're like, why is he a dick? Oh, that's hilarious. I love this. This sounds like pure honesty. The crowd is responding. This is fucking real! This is real! That's great. Isn't that amazing? That's great. That's great.

1:16:56Brian Redban:Amazing. Amazing, Cameron. I love it. And the girlfriend, what does she do? Oh, she's an editor for a lot of podcasts and stuff like that. No. She's a sniper. She's going to fucking take him out after this. He's just a video editor. Amazing. And you live here in Austin? Yeah, of course. Okay. And that's it. So working for this brain thing, what exactly do you do there? I manufacture the parts. It's hard to describe because, like, I honestly, I signed an NDA and I don't know what I can say. You probably can't say any of it then. Perfect. We're going to save your job right now. Thank you. Thank you.

1:17:36Brian Redban:Seriously, thank you. But we're doing great. Let's talk a little bit more about your slut mother. Okay. I really hate this part. I had one of these two growing up. She gets it. She can laugh about it. Does she have a good sense of humor? Oh, the joke that I just told, that's her favorite joke. Perfect. Yeah. Okay. So, you know, was there a lot of noises coming from the bedroom when you were a kid? So, I've never heard my parents fuck ever, actually. I've only... So, the most parents I've ever had in the, like, father figures, I had two stepdads at the same time. They lived together. they were just the way my mom described it to me it wasn't like she was just trying to fuck a bunch of people it was more like she just was able to fall in love with two people at the same time you know what i mean she had open heart yeah and flex that's what it is yeah yeah i love that

1:18:29I love it.

1:18:37Fucking great.

1:18:38Brian Redban:You had two stepdads at the same time. Was there ever like a competition? Did you have a favorite? Alright, that's kind of rude to ask. No, I think I've managed to look. I'm going to put an NDA on that, too.

1:18:58I think I like my sister's dad more only because I lived with him longer. Right. Yeah. Okay.

1:19:04Brian Redban:What were the differences? One was a white guy from America. Uh-huh. One was a white guy from New Zealand. Okay, the suspense is killing us. That's why you keep saying white guys. When are we getting to the good shit? Let's go. One was an African prince from Nigeria.

1:19:26They were just all white guys the whole time? All honkies. Damn. Wow. Built that up. Yeah, you really did. You built it up like you were getting somewhere good.

1:19:35Brian Redban:Like one of them was just going to be a straight up fucking... All right. Well, there was only one. Okay. I wasn't even about to say that, and I got nervous, Tony. Jesus Christ. Cameron, my. yeah so you know is your mom still with multiple boyfriends no she's pretty monogamous now that's what happens to polyamorous people they start very open and loving like oh i want to fuck everybody and then they get on the other side like ah fuck everybody that's true once you get old and your options dry up yeah you gotta go back to one at a time you can't stay poly forever that's a thing do you think that's affected your uh sexuality growing up no Your perception of love?

1:20:21No, I'm still a monogamous guy. I definitely have the man instinct in me. I can feel when I see a hot chick and I'm like, oh, if I was a piece of shit, I'd cheat on my girlfriend. Well, you almost made it out of this without getting in real trouble with your girlfriend. That was the moment right there. You better tell her how much you love her again. Look at that camera right there. That's the great Meg on camera one. Baby, I love you so much. There you go. Cameron, you have a big joke book? Yeah. All right, there you go. You got it. He's already got one. Cameron Mai. We're flying through it.

1:20:59All right. Ooh, this definitely looks like a new name. Make some noise for your next comedian, Doc Ferry. Doc Ferry. What a name. Oh, my goodness.

1:21:14Oh, God. I feel like everybody looking at me right now knows exactly who I voted for. I like to ragdoll women in the bedroom. Not very fond of women right now. Me and my wife were arguing in the car. She said, I wish you were nicer. I said, bitch, I wish you were Asian. I don't think you're the one of us that's going to win this one. She said, I wish you would talk to me the way you want to be talked to. I said, oh. You want me to talk to you recorders? How about a bro job?

1:21:55We ain't married anymore. I'm not very fond of women. But I still have a fantasy. It's pretty easy. I want to date a black chick. From the year 1868. Now hear me out. Hear me out. It'll all make sense. I know what you all are thinking. That whole thing. but let me educate you. Slavery officially ended in the year 1865. The only reason I wanted one from 68 because I heard them bitches was off the chain and that sounded like fun to me. Thank you. My name's Doc. Wow. Doc Ferry's first appearance on this show. I've never seen people move out of the way in their lives than your ass coming out trying to pull the Triple H spit move before they were going open mouths.

1:22:46They were happy when he was doing it. These people were dodging fucking bullets over here. Doc, welcome to the show.

1:22:54Brian Redban:How long have you been doing stand-up? Just short of two years, and this is my second time on the show. Two years. Second time on the show, really? What happened your first time? I did all right. Interview went a lot better. Talked about my slut third wife. Okay. Remind us. What happened with your slut third wife? I was working in Afghanistan, and while I was gone, She was back here putting herself on Craigslist personals. And she was having sex with a whole bunch of guys, usually five to seven at a time. Yeah. Are you the last comedian's father? You never know. You never know. Wow. Okay. So that was about, what, a year?

1:23:32Brian Redban:About two years ago. Just short two years. You were on this show. So how's life been going for the last two years? You've been doing stand-up nonstop? I have extreme anxiety, extreme ADHD, so I get out when I can. I have problems getting to the club by myself. What do you mean by that? I'm a recluse. It's very hard for me to get out and meet people. To stand in front of this many people, very comfortable. Back there, dying. That's amazing. Very interesting. Yeah. Very interesting. Tell us more about, like, what's the worst scenario that you've had where your AD or whatever you think that is? Whatever you diagnose that as.

1:24:16Brian Redban:Extreme what? Social anxiety? There's extreme social anxiety that goes with it. If you've ever seen, like, the signs and symptoms, I got all that stupid shit. I don't like people telling me what to do. You know, just weird shit. But it kind of made sense when I look back at my life. It's like, oh, this is what the fuck is going on. You know, I'm not retarded. I have an issue. Right. Yeah. Okay, so where do you think this all comes? You might be retarded. We don't... I know. My bus only had six roads, but I thought that was because the route was short. So where do you think all this anxiety and stuff comes from?

1:24:55Brian Redban:Did something happen to you? Yes. Oh, yes. I was in the Army for 23 years. Uh-huh. I deployed three times after that. I worked in Afghanistan for eight years. I was a personal security medic for the ambassador over there. So that was exciting bombs every, like at least twice a week. But when I was going through the retirement physical, they said, you have PTSD. I said, I do. They said, yep, but it's not from more. It's from your ex-wives. I got three of them. Yeah. Three too many. Wow. PTSD. PTSD. The only thing worse than PTSD? AT &T. The running theme today. Nobody likes it. The theme of the night.

1:25:41Brian Redban:Interesting stuff, Doc. How do you make a living? You're just on... Well, I'm retired right now. Yeah. And I also go to school. I'm going to HVAC school in the mornings. Nice. And I got a property with seven air-conditioned units, and I'm tired of paying$1 ,500 every time one breaks down. So I said, I'm going to school to learn how to do it myself. Hell yeah. And you're learning. Meh. All right. How about for fun? What are you doing other than stand-up for fun? I play beach volleyball a little bit. Really? Yeah. Wow. Do I look that old? You're full of surprises. Really? I do. Yeah, you don't look like a beach volleyball guy.

1:26:18Brian Redban:Well, I kind of, you know. You have something for this one? No, I'm thinking of. I don't. I don't. I don't. No, I don't think I have. No, fuck.

1:26:29I don't know. Let me see. Fuck, I don't think I do. No. You have anything for... My props are talking to me like, nothing, honey. How about for a war veteran? Anything for a war veteran? A war veteran? No. My brother's retired military. God bless the military. I love my military. We do love the military. I know. I'm trying to think if I have anything. Thank you. I have a... You said... Now, don't cut this the wrong way and make me look bad, right? Because you fuckers will do this shit. No, we won't. We made a joke about, he said the retarded word. And I'm not going to say it's retarded. It was a bank tube for rednecks that has a gun and a note inside the tube.

1:27:09And it would say, give me all your money or shoot yourself. And send it over to him. And they're like, oh, fuck. You literally stole that from a bank, by the way. No, I did. That's the only way to get one of those. No, I did. No, that my first, I swear to God, sorry, I've interrupted your beautiful... No, you're good. My first prop I ever did, and this is not a joke, is I stole a neighborhood crime watch sign. No, my first joke. And I was in my dorm and my friend said, you're going to try to do comedy? I said, you're not funny. I said, I know. But I had this sign and I thought, what a great thing to open with, right?

1:27:43I said, sorry, I'm late. I was in the neighborhood and everybody would laugh. And I said, how good is their crime watch if they're not even watching their fucking signs? It takes 20 minutes to get that. And then I started stealing shit. I started going through bank tubes. I started stealing things from the airplane. Look at this one. This is great. I stole this from the airplane. Yeah, yeah. You know, what's great about this is when you... I forgot my own joke. When you sit next to the guy in the airplane, you reach over and you wake him up and say, dude, we're going down.

1:28:18I'm sorry. Thank you for putting up with my shit. That's amazing. This crowd is amazing. Yeah.

1:28:25Brian Redban:Doc, so interesting. Sorry, I ain't fucked up about that. Are the other comedians nice to you? You're kind of older. You're out there on the circuit. No one talks to me. And so I'm not getting anything out of, like, doing open mics. I'm getting no feedback. I'm used to sitting in front of crowds, so I don't need it for that. So I actually, on my property, I built a comedy club. And I do all my stand-up and everything. in there by myself and i have to trust that what i do is funny really that's awesome that is amazing so i go through my head when i do jokes i allow myself with the adhd i go with it and i daydream and i daydream about being on stage i daydream about my favorite comedians doing the same jokes that i'm writing and how they would do it and how they look and i can even see them do a joke and it's not funny.

1:29:17It's not funny. That's pretty awesome, though. I do it about myself, and it's not funny. Do you live stream it or anything so you can get some kind of feedback? I just opened up a business with a partner, and we are going to start doing live streaming, things like that. So we're really starting to take off this coming month. That's great. You should have the sound effect. Sorry. Which sound effect? With a crowd screaming, and you have your club built, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's all mannequins, and you have a sound effect. I actually have mannequins in my long house. You're like, I'm fucking killing.

1:29:51I sold out tonight. Yes, I do. Fucking awesome. Wow. I love that. No, don't. Go ahead, Ben.

1:29:57Brian Redban:The last time you were on, you just got a little joke book. I got a medium joke book. Well, I'll tell you what, buddy. You're moving up to a big joke book. Yes, you're doing. Doc Ferry, everybody, with his second appearance on the show. showing some improvement. Let's do a one last bucket pull, huh? Let's knock it out. This looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Jim Talley, everybody. Jim Talley.

1:30:25How y 'all doing tonight? Good? Fuck yeah. Austin has a lot of crazy homeless people. This is a fact. I swear to God, this is what happened to me. I'm pumping gas the other day. This homeless white lady's walking around the parking lot yelling he's a he's a then she looks right at me you're a and i'm like who the you think you're talking to then she goes oh my bad i just wanted a cigarette what you got tourette's the fuck i bet she's like what the was that i'm sorry i didn't mean anything by it i love black people i can't swim neither huh if you don't take this newport

1:31:07I'm serious, man. Speaking of cigarettes, actually, I grew up in Africa, and I started smoking cigarettes over there. And y 'all know those warning labels on the cigarettes? Right? Yeah, in Africa, that shit's fucking weird. Like, I bought a pack of cigarettes over there. That shit had a picture of Flavor Flav on it. I saw that shit all that Flavor Flav. I didn't know that ugly meant cancer, nigga. I'm serious. Like, imagine, like, they saw him go, yeah, boy. And the Africans was like, put the picture out of this. he looks like rubbish put the picture my name is jim talley thank you

1:31:37Brian Redban:jim talley welcome back hey man how you doing show a few times right yeah yeah just uh about two weeks ago yeah okay very lucky man i see man thank you for having me how's life been going how's it changed since the last time you were on uh i just saw triple h now um i just i did too and Keratop Reba McIntyre nice to meet you thank you hell yeah Triple H, Ahmed Johnson good reason crazy reference I've been getting John Jones a lot and I don't like it I don't like it at all that makes sense I could see why that would be Jim Telly so let's talk about it what's going on man tell us something you haven't heard you were just on two weeks ago.

1:32:28Oh, shit. I've been working a lot. I've been working on some more impressions. I've been actually working on an impression of you. Oh, God. Oh, God. All right. Let's hear it.

1:32:43Unbelievable. We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it. I ain't gonna lie. Tony kind of sounds like if Banana could talk.

1:32:55Like a cartoon banana? I'm just saying. All right. That's a good impression. I thought. Let's face it. If a banana could talk, that'd be the last friend you ever needed in the world, wouldn't it? Shut the O. You're going to O. You're going to O. You're going to O. Really? Come on. That was good, nigga. He's clapping. That was good, nigga.

1:33:18Brian Redban:He's laughing. All right, Jim. That was good, nigga. What are we missing here, though? What other impressions have you been working on? I could do a few impressions. I could do a Shannon Sharp. I can do... Wait, what is Shannon Sharp doing in this impression? All right, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the club, Shay Shay. Today, we're going to have him on our panelist. He is the host of Kill Tony, all right? He is the most hated man in Puerto Rico. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony, he's clear. That's actually a good impression. What else are you working on? I don't know.

1:33:55You could do, like, Mike Tyson, I think. Wow. White liberal lady out here. Virtue signaling white lady can't help herself when a boy... Do it! Do it, black man! Right? Do what I say! Damn, man. Do it! Say please next time, bitch. All right. I don't want to do this shit now, man. I know, right? They ruin everything. You weren't going to do it. Every other thing, you said the name of the thing, and then you did it. This lady wanted to feel like a boss. Give her a Newport. Let's get out of here.

1:34:34Jim, you got a big joke book last time you were on? Yeah, yeah. There you go. It's been a couple weeks. You got very lucky. A couple bucket pools were just on two weeks ago. We did it, man. There's only one place to go from here. ladies and gentlemen we have a hall of fame while we're here with two time two entry hall of fame member Triple H, guest of the year nominee Carrot Top let me remind you this episode is brought to you by open phone prize picks and nicked and WWE and ESPN start September 20th John Cena vs Brock Lesnar at Wrestlepalooza, I mean this is huge I've been watching wrestling my whole life.

1:35:14ESPN and WWE combining forces. Completely insane. It's unbelievable. And we have a Hall of Famer. This man has the record for most appearances all time. Most interviews all time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from a man some people call God's favorite comedian. The Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery.

1:35:57I look like the love child of Triple H and Carrot Top after a passionate night of hot, steamy steroids.

1:36:12Let's give it up for Kill Tony's very own Cam Patterson for joining the cast of Saturday Night Live My question is, did Saturday Night Live not see any of Cam's minutes on Kill Tony? Like, is he going to get fired the first episode or the second episode when he screams the N-word for no reason. I love Canva. Screaming the N-word is one of the least offensive things he's said on Kill Tony. Like, imagine his reaction when he learns a little bit more about Bo and Yang. This N-word is gay and Asian? Oh, hell no!

1:37:01And I'm not gonna lie, I'd love to be invited to join Saturday Night Live. If Stephen Hawking invented a time machine to the 90s, meanwhile, Red Band's dumb ass is still waiting to get a call back from the gong show. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Wow. The powerhouse. The undeniable closer of closers. The big red machine lights out. William Montgomery has done it again. So nice to be here. And Carrot Top, oh my gosh, I think it was 2003, I was in the Memphis airport with my mama and my papa and my brother, and I get a tap on my shoulder. This is probably 2003. I get a tap on my shoulder, and Carrot Top, it is you.

1:37:49And I turn around, and you say, what's up, brother? And you shake my hand. And it was the sweetest thing ever, and I appreciate it. And Carrot Top, that taught me, every time now I see a red-headed person, I say hello, I try to be nice. and Carrot Top. In 2006, I was working at the grocery store by my parents' house, and there was this beautiful redheaded woman that used to come into the store. And one day I was like, oh my gosh, I love your hair. I love your hair. And she looks at me all weird, and she's like, yeah, I've thought about dating a redheaded person before, but I'm worried everybody would think it was my brother and feel sorry for me.

1:38:21Oh, no. So it's just sad. So that's the end of that story. It just made me, like, broke my heart. Let me give you a hug. Let me give a hug. But thank you. Carrot Top. Thank you for your... my wallet it meant a lot though hey yeah when when he said what's up brother did your mom get really weird for a minute yes you know that sucks about getting older because i literally have people come to my show and they say you fucked my mom right and then it'll be soon you fucked my grandma it's you get or your grandpa blew me behind the dumpster you know something some shit like that.

1:38:56Brian Redban:That is incredible. I didn't know redheads had a thing where they... Well, we have a... I heard about this with black guys. We have shorts. They always give a head nod. We wear shorts. I didn't realize there was a redhead. It's like their scooter wave.

1:39:11Brian Redban:That is so interesting. That's great. I know. I wish I had a redheaded joke in here. Do you have any? Do you have anything? No, I don't think so. Chucky doll taped to a parking meter or something? Yeah.

1:39:27It's more fucking... There's more thought process than that, but I like that. I'm going to have it next time I come back. I'm going to have a Chucky doll tape, too. What did you say?

1:39:41Brian Redban:You know, you ever... Well, hold on a second. Hold on. Yeah, what do you have in there? No, I don't know. I'm trying to find something good. Should we do the Turbo Round Carrot Top? Anything we didn't get to today? Well, this is kind of... Hold on. Fuck, it's caught. So, so, this is, oh, shut up. So, don't look at the secrets. Triple H. Okay. So, so, when you, when people breastfeed their baby, right? People get upset when they breastfeed their baby in public. So, I made this so that way it just looks like you're holding it. Right? It's like, hey, hey. Yeah. It's all, it's, it, it, right? Get this up.

1:40:21You and I need to go on Shark Tank together. Yes, we do. I can help you with that. I sure do. I'm telling you, some of this shit, I'm telling you. This is amazing. Here's one I could sell in Shark Tank, besides the toilet paper one, right? Yeah. That's fucking right. This is real. This is one of the very first jokes I came up with. If you don't have time to vacuum your carpet, right? It's really about the lines on the carpet. It looks like you vacuumed. So I used to do this when I was 12. You'd take a carpet roller and roll it on the carpet, and it leaves the vacuum marks. Wow. And my mom's like, oh, you vacuum.

1:40:53and be like, no, I just took a fucking carpet paint roller. Wow. Shark tank, I'm telling you and me.

1:40:59Brian Redban:I could tell that's one of your first ones that you came up with because you hadn't realized yet that you didn't even tape it to anything else. It's just one thing back then. Well, this is the early... This is the progression. It started with this bullshit and then it came into really clever. You could have just vacuumed also. We're taking the same amount of time. Taking the time. I start thinking to myself, oh, this is pretty nice standing up here right now. And then I just hear this monster at the edge of the fucking table. It's Red Band. Red Band and William Montgomery's rivalry is one that will be written about in the history books forever.

1:41:37And Red Band, by the way, I get it. You shaved your beard, but you still look fat, Thomas. I'm kidding!

1:41:47Red Band and William will settle the score at Wrestlepalooza September 20th only on ESPN. Oh, yeah. Cena versus Lesnar, Montgomery versus Red Band. And Red Band's mom's coming out with me.

1:42:07And William has a tattoo of a dick on his chest. Wait, what? Wait, yeah, what?

1:42:14Brian Redban:Carrot Top, we got anything else in there? No, I mean I do, but no. There's got to be something. I see stuff in there. Yeah, yeah, this is good. What's that? Fuck. Come on. If you set me up, it's not going to be good. Yeah, it is. I like to walk up to women and I say, do you recognize me? And they say no, and I say, how about now?

1:42:34Or you could go that. You could go, how about now? I know that, Dick.

1:42:42Carrot Top Sorry everybody You're kidding about the second part aren't you? You wouldn't put your penis through there would you? What? No You wouldn't put your thing through there would you? No Not again Not again What else Carrot Top? No I think we've blown out the fucking whole thing These people love it Alright okay Alright now this one's pretty clever Alright It's a little sensitive We love this Oh my goodness Okay No hold on a second No, look. Sometimes we see it before you guys. It's a little crazy. Now, this is one of my favorite ones. This is one of my favorite ones. I'm proud of this one.

1:43:18So gun control, right? It's already sensitive. Gun control. I know how to fix gun control. You can't shoot a gun unless... Rubik's Cube has to be lined up just right. So you have to be smart to shoot somebody. Like, I'm going to fucking motherfucker. I'm going to kill you. But you can't shoot. By the time you figure it out, they're gone. I think I'll end on that one. I absolutely love it. Did we announce that you and I are fighting at Metasquirt? Yeah. Wouldn't that be awesome?

1:43:52Brian Redban:William, you ever use any props at all in your stand-up? Why did some idiot laugh like that about that? I don't know. Is my notebook a prop? I don't know, Tony. My notebook's maybe a prop. That's kind of my prop. All right. Well, we're putting... We're right here towards the end here. Carrot Top, are you sure there's nothing else in there? Oh, God. They want more. This is it. This is the final comedian. This is the last chance. All right, which one do you want? Just one quick one. Okay. No, maybe a couple. All right, hold on. Oh, wait. This is good. This is a coffee cup for lesbians. See? See?

1:44:30How did you almost not do that? That's the best one. How did I not almost do that? That's fucking amazing. How do you not fucking do that one? Jesus. That is unbelievable.

1:44:45That's amazing. That's the... That's the... The amount of care that he gives to his props is top shelf. This thing is held together with tape. It is. Yeah. And that's the promo right there. She caught Keltony on children. Is that Ellen glasses? Yes. It says Ellen on the front. That is a true lesbian mug. That's a real... Well, the horrible thing is it said Ellen on it because that was how old it was. I would say it's Ellen's coffee cup. I know, and then she said, why the fuck would you... I said, I'm kidding. I can change it to Rosie. You can change it to anything. Yeah. I can put your name on it.

1:45:22It works for any lesbian. That's amazing. Any lesbian. See, it was kind of a generic, and then I forgot it said Ellen on it.

1:45:29Brian Redban:No, it's great. It's fantastic. Look at that, right? Hey, next on NBC. Is there anything else, Carrot? No, that's it. We've got to end on the good one. Oh, they want more. These people. I'm telling you, Karen, you're up for guest of the year, and Rob Schneider laid it down. Rob Schneider? Yes. You and Rob Schneider, neck to neck, I'd be reaching deep in that thing. So this is Travis Kelsey's playbook, right? Yeah. That's not a joke. It's actually... That's his playbook, right? Yeah. This is... God damn it. This is their prenup. That thing is thick Right? That is thick like my cock That's amazingly topical That's very topical, right?

1:46:19That's amazing You busted out an Ellen mug from 25 years ago So wait, hold on So you go from old to current This is what I made in your dressing room That's amazing You think I'm kidding Now it doesn't work I'll get work. That's amazing. All the kids in my sweatshop work hourlessly behind me. Carrot tops, elves, hard at work. That's it. What do you guys think? One more? There must be one more. Fuck! The problem is... You need one more, Carrot. The problem is... See, I did the A shit earlier. I don't know. That Ellen mug was a hit. Look, it's even called Carrot Classics. That's great. All right, this is...

1:47:02Which one do you... All right, hold on. We're going to end on this one. This is pretty clever. Oh, fuck. Shark tank shit. I made boots that have the soles reversed so you can't trace their steps. Whoa!

1:47:20That's actually fucking genius. Yeah, I know. Carrot Top. It looks like I'm helping criminals. That's amazing. Where do people see you in Vegas, Carrot Top? At the Luxor every night. Every night. Luxor Casino. Every night at the Luxor. I'm going tomorrow night. Go see him and tell him afterwards. Kill Tony sent you. He's part of the Kill Tony universe. One more time for Carrot Top, everybody. Brought to you by Open Phone Prize Picks and Nick. Guys, it's a dream come true for me. I'll tell you. How loud can this place get for Triple H? The great Paul LeVeck running the WWE. better than it's ever been.

1:48:02They're now teamed up with ESPN, two of the most iconic brands in sports entertainment together at once. Again, Wrestlepalooza is September 20th. Cena vs. Lesnar. Everything's going on. All their biggest events are now on ESPN's new streaming service. What an honor to have you, sir. Amazing. One more time for Carrot Top. One more time for William Montgomery. We did it again. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers Drew over there. Ooh, Cam Patterson. And that's about it, guys. We did it again. Red Band. Check out my fake band Cat Bread 7 on YouTube, Spotify, and everything.

1:48:39Tickets are available now for the New Year's Eve Moody Center. Kill Tony, our third year doing an arena in our hometown on New Year's Eve. Tickets are still available for that. That will sell out. It's moving extremely fast. So instead of coming up to me and saying, and we always try to get tickets, but we never can. Now's your one chance to do it. New Year's Eve here in Austin, Texas. Do it. God bless you guys. Thank you so much. Good night. Make some noise for Triple H and Carrot Top. Thank you.

1:49:27guitar solo

1:50:21The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

1:50:56Thank you.