#736 - JAMES MCCANN + DAVE LANDAU

19:40Brian Redban:It's amazing that your family doesn't know. How often do you see your mom? What do you do? Maybe like once a year, like Christmas. And what do you do? You just wan up for that? Yeah. Just go straight wan? Yeah, literally. Put on a baseball cap, fucking... Would your mom want you out of the family? She might, I don't know. James. But just as a... I assume you started to trans later, but you're Mexican, so you didn't have a quinceañera. No, I didn't. So you're a girl? Oh, yeah, you're right. You're not a woman yet. Explain to the 96 % of people listening that don't know what you're... When a Mexican girl turns 15, the community decides that she's now sexually available and they put her in a very low-cut, busty gown.

20:41And they go to a park and they clog it up for like hours. I didn't know about this before I came to this country, but... Did the last comic tell you about that? No. I like that you mentioned trains as well, though. That's great. Yeah. Will you have a quinceañera? I mean, if you help me throw it, James. No. That would be fun. But I was interested. I mean, like, would you show up? Would you make an appearance?

21:13Brian Redban:Would you make an appearance, James? Would you make an appearance? Where is she? Tell us, James, will you go to the park? Do you want to go to the park? You have fallen into the woman, but I was born in it. Go to the park and you will find under second base on the third little league field a note. Read that note and it will tell you what to do next.

21:45Brian Redban:If you don't solve the riddle, I'm going to buttfuck you, James. Sincerely, Juanita. He's right. Wow, Juanita. You ever get bullied in real life or anything? Out on the streets, any of these wild crackheads ever talk shit or flirt with you? What goes on? One of them called me a f***et. Yeah. I was walking by and he was like, hey, f*** it. I apologize for that. Yeah.

22:15Apology accepted. I know, I was like, aw man, can I say the N word? It was a black one. Oh, yeah. He called me a. Let me tell you, just because someone says you can or it feels like the right time, I found out you still can't. That's true. You can if he's sucking your dick.

22:41Brian Redban:Juanita, how's the sex life been lately? Whiskey hole or has it been all moistened up? No, I'm like, I live with like this like comic. He's like a 6 '2", jujitsu guy. All right, don't say his name or his fucking address or anything, Juanita. No, but like, it used to be that I'd like go and hang out at the bar by myself and then somebody would always like approach me. but now I'm always with him so I'm going through a dry spell. Everyone, I think, like, they assume that I'm like... You're going through a dry spell. Huh? Say, baby, they haven't been going through a dry spell. Do you realize you do that, though?

23:17Like, you literally, like, have, like, a meltdown through a sentence. It's when you say words that aren't feminine when you're like, it's very dry. I feel like that's very feminine. It's kind of, no, hard. Oh, okay.

23:32Brian Redban:Yeah. Juanita, we love you. You've been on the show many times. You did it again. Another minute. There you go. Another interview. Another Juanita.

23:45Brian Redban:There they go. Oh, my God. Thank God Almighty. No cock and balls there, boys. Oh, we have a bug zapper. And we handed it to the least likely person to effectively handle that without knocking over anything or hitting anyone. So perfect. How exciting. All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Pat O 'Neill, everyone. Pat O 'Neill.

24:23Folks, been vaping, but it's just not as satisfying as cigarettes. You ever try putting one of these out on your kid? Nothing. No reaction. Generation soft is a big reason why.

24:41Other day, my friend told me Tiger Woods is Native American. I was like, no shit, his name's Tiger Woods.

25:01Dad's name Bear Forest. Gonna watch what you say now, though. Like, we all know you're not allowed to say the word f*** anymore. So now I just ignore my little brother. To be on the right side of history. And you shouldn't call them midgets anymore, either. No. They prefer the term Mexican women.

25:30Ah, yes, midgets, the original pocket pussies. Or as pedophiles call them close enough, you know what I mean?

25:41Brian Redban:Not saying to him. Matt O 'Neill, you did it, buddy. Fuck yeah. Full minute, 15, laughs throughout. I didn't hear the count, I'm sorry. You're good, you're good. So nervous, Tony, I wish I was retarded right now. I bet there's a lot going on in that head. You constantly look like you're being electrocuted at all times. Unbelievable. You look like you could charge phones just by touching them. Alright, well, I think we could still be friends after that. Hell yeah. I don't know what the fuck that means, but you're doing great, Pat. You're a funny guy. I remember you from the Netflix taping here a while back.

26:23Brian Redban:How's life changed since being on... I'm an open-miker. Oh, perfect. Bad at networking. Bad. And by that... Bad at networking. What do you mean by that? Tell us more. That I'm unlikable. Okay. All right. That doesn't mean you don't have a chance. Look at me. Fair enough. I would say you're much more likable than me. I would say. I mean, look at you. I like you. Thanks, buddy. You know what, let's get the fuck out of here, dude. Remind us, Pat, what do you do for work? I work for, like, a mortgage company. I thought you said morgue at first. And I would have believed that. You have morgue energies.

27:15James McCann. I've been thinking about the energy. I think you have the energy of, like, documentary footage of a comic from the 80s. Yeah, he looks like a headshot. but who goes on to have a huge cocaine problem and do voiceovers in cartoons. But you look like you're from the past. You have a 1980s young man face. Am I wrong? Am I going insane? No, you're right. You're spot on. No, like Dennis Wolfberg. Like, he died in the 80s.

27:43Brian Redban:You're over another time. I love these references, guys, but let's keep it on Pat here. You know Dennis Wolfberg? No? Yeah, nobody would. I'm 40. That's perfect. Okay, Pat. Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat. Let's talk about it, buddy. What do you do with the rest of your life looking what you look like? I don't know. I like steak. I like candy. Okay. I like girls. I like movies. You go on dates a lot? Yeah, I'm straight. Okay. When you go on dates, how do you find people? Gay people go on dates too, by the way. I don't know if you know that. They do. They just fuck. All right, okay. Straight to that. You're very excited tonight, Pat.

28:27Brian Redban:Look at you. Come on, kill Tony. You're damn right. I like steak. I like ghouls. I like candy. Yeah. That's the best response I've ever heard. It's right. This dude's an alien that studied us and just came here. I like what everybody likes. You've watched a lot of old test footage from the earlier part of the 20th century, and you're going, they like girls. They like candy. like big smiles and good times. Okay, guys? Just fuck. All right, I can say that. I like everything I'm seeing. Thank you, James. Where are you from? Oh, Massachusetts. I live here now. Okay. There's one retarded lady from Massachusetts.

29:12Brian Redban:So, Pat, when you go on these dates, where do you find these victims, people? Like, is it a dating app that you're on or something? Well, I'm single now. Fingers crossed. We're still early on. I was talking to that girl backstage. Heidi? Heidi or Juanita?

29:34Brian Redban:You could be next. You could be next. Fuck! So like the last date that you went on, tell us what that was like. What did you do? What happened? Quinceanera?

29:49I've never understood quinceaneras. because it's like the day they become a woman, but they're already pregnant.

29:54Brian Redban:Oh, shit. Pat O 'Neill's got it. Pat O 'Neill's got a quinceanera joke. There it is. So, Pat, this last date that you've avoided the question on nine times successfully, we're back at it. Last date you were on. All right, I mean, honest answer, I just broke up with my lady friend who's also a very delightful comic. Perfect. Why did you break up with her? I live here. Oh, she lives somewhere else. Massachusetts still? Yes. Oh my goodness. How did you do it? Over the phone? Well, I didn't do it. Look at me. She broke up with you? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Okay. What did she say to you? Did it come as a surprise to you?

30:36Brian Redban:Ah, she said, we're not dating. I don't know. Sort of a blur. Did you just break into her house? No, it's a long distance relationship or else he would have. Uh, so she kind of broke your heart when this happened? No, no. How recently did this happen? No, no, it just starts crying. No, no, see? No, no, never. You can't break a heart which doesn't exist. I ate candy and steak and filled that part of my soul because that's what I do because I'm a real human being. Come here, let me charge your phone for you. Let's talk about it, Pat. you hear that gentle piano music. You know what that means. Tell us.

31:24Brian Redban:Three weeks ago. Okay, Pat. All right.

31:29Brian Redban:You're such a funny-looking guy, Pat. It's incredible. Everything about you is so comedic. It was three... Oh, spotlight's gone. I don't know. You ever do funny stuff at the mortgage place? No, no. I was lucky to keep it after Netflix, so they're good people, and they will... When you go on dates or you work, do you like comb your hair different or anything like that? That's actually a great question, Red. I put the rug in on way too close to a sun hat this afternoon, so it's worse than normal. The question was when you go on a date. I don't know what it looks like right now, but yes, I try to do it.

32:10It's pretty wild right now. I don't know if you've ever seen the portrait of Mao Zedong, but it looks like...

32:19Brian Redban:It looks like your forehead has a thong on right now.

32:25Brian Redban:Red band. Wow. It is incredible. Do people just, like, laugh at you sometimes when they see you? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm having my looks insulted by red band right now, so... Clearly...

32:42If that isn't all you need to know, about the shit I get.

32:49Brian Redban:You're a funny guy, Pat. Red Band? I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. You already have a big joke book, right? There he goes. Pat O 'Neill, everybody. Oh, yeah. Wacky-looking guy. All right, we're going to keep this fun train moving along. Your third bucket pool goes by the name of Olivia Coughlin, everybody. Olivia Coughlin.

33:18Jill Biden is a historic figure. She was a first lady and a fake doctor. And during the Biden administration, she actually took over presidential duties, historically becoming the first fake female president of the United States of America. The Biden administration was kind of like America's next top model, but for female presidents, with different random women all taking turns trying out his power. It was a shit show, and Jill won. So speaking of America, I came home the other day and I found my cleaner eating my salad. She was in the kitchen hunched over eating out of the takeout box and I walked in and then she freaked out and she saw me and ran to put it away and I was like, I'm like, ah, Olivia!

34:03And... Oh, I forgot my bit. I forgot the rest of it. Oh, sorry. Judith's like, ah, Olivia! Oh, and I didn't realize, I didn't know what was going on at first, because I didn't realize it was my salad she was eating. I thought she was just eating her own food, so... Okay, that's all. Wow.

34:28Brian Redban:Olivia Coughlin. Welcome, welcome. Is that your first time trying stand-up? Yep, first time. Holy shit. Yeah, I could tell. Congratulations. That's amazing. What made you pick this show to start on? I find it so intriguing when people are like, yeah, I'll just fucking go out there and show everybody what's up. Right from the get before learning, you know, mic technique or being able to remember an entire 60 seconds or calling your housekeeper or maid a cleaner. Yes. Somehow that's the most racist thing I think anybody's ever done in the history of the show. You just call them a cleaner. I thought people would know more if I said cleaner rather than house cleaner.

35:08I don't know why.

35:09Brian Redban:Because people call them cleaners. I didn't even say that. A housekeeper. The keeper of a house. Well, I call her my cleaner. Oh my god. What ethnicity are you? I'm white. Yeah, but what kind of white? I'm mostly Irish. I know I don't look like it, but yeah. Right. You should have just said Mexican and saved yourself. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. No doubt about it. Like, as just a tip moving forward, it can sometimes be hard for people to like you on stage when you boast about having a cleaner. Like, we would all love to have cleaner money. It's true. But I just, I heard that and I thought, fuck, I wish I was able to afford a salad and a woman to help me.

35:55I say, eat Taco Bell after Taco Bell alone in filth. Maybe you got some jokes about your private jet to share with us all as well. I mean, you don't even pay her enough that she can afford to eat her own fucking salad.

36:15It was an awkward moment for sure. She's like our lifetime, like, lifelong cleaner, and so I felt... A lifelong cleaner.

36:23Brian Redban:Just call her a slave, dude. Call her a slave.

36:31Brian Redban:What ethnicity is she? Oh, yeah, the horn players know what ethnicity she is. How do you have a cleaner? or what have you been doing with your life? This was back when at my parents' house, so this was a while ago. Your parents rich? They're doing okay. What did your dad do for a living? My dad's a pilot. My mom's a travel agent. Okay. All right. That's cute. And how about you? What do you do for work? I just got a job at a tennis place. A tennis place. So what exactly are you doing at a tennis place? Tennis thing. I clean. No, I'm just kidding. Hey, there's a glimpse of funny in there. Look at that.

37:09Brian Redban:Look at that. She accidentally was funny there. I like that. It's the big moment right there. What the fuck are you doing at a tennis place? Stringing rackets and helping people. You play tennis your whole life or something? You just got into the tennis business. I just thought I could walk in and just do it and nothing would go wrong and everything would be great. That's fucking crazy. And it worked out. It worked out. It was okay. So you just basically would have done any job at all and you ended up in tennis? Kind of. What did you do before that? I was trying to be a screenwriter. It's difficult.

37:42Brian Redban:Wow, yeah, it's very difficult. But yeah, I forgot all my words again. Oh, my God. So yeah, I guess that didn't work out. Okay. Olivia, do people tell you that you're funny a lot? Yeah. What's like the funniest thing you've ever done in your life? You think that it's something that happened in which you're like, wow, I think I belong on a comedy stage. I don't know. It's more I say funny things when I can remember them. And then I don't really do funny things, yeah. Do you ever yell at a housekeeper? no it was very nice to her I pretended like nothing I never saw it and I was just like hey what's up and then we just kept going on you put fentanyl in her salad no I was gonna say that I whatever I forgot my joke but I I'll do it next time no no no no no no you don't even know what the fuck a salad is shut up you just know the dressings alright Do you have any special skills or talents?

38:40Brian Redban:Have you ever done anything in front of a group of people before? Not really. Not what? Not really in front of the crowd, no. Like nothing ever before? Nothing on stage, no. How about not on stage? What do you mean have I ever done anything? I don't know, fucking anything. Anything at all about you, other than the fact that you string tennis rackets.

39:06I smoke a lot of weed. There you go. That's a way to get the people on your side.

39:15Brian Redban:Yeah. I chill at home with my roommates. How many roommates do you have? Two. Why? Just because I thought that it would be better to live with some people rather than by myself. Okay. Alone. No man in your life? No man. Why is that? I'm very picky. Ooh, okay. I sound like an asshole, but I'm not. It's great. It's great. I'm very nice. Let's talk about it. When you say you're picky, what are things that guys have had or wrong with them in the past that you didn't like? Maybe not manly enough. Can you give us an example of a time that a man was manly enough? Maybe he did something. That wasn't manly enough.

39:58Brian Redban:No, I can't. This is from your life. You can think about anything that's happened to you. Now I'm just thinking about the tennis place. Maybe... I can't think of anything. Well, tennis is pretty feminine. Anyone that plays tennis is not really my type. So, like... James McCann, what are you thinking over here? I don't think Rafael Nadal is sufficiently masculine. I mean, who... There are a lot of men on stage. Where is the midpoint? Where is the least manly but acceptably manly man? Do you know what I mean? I mean, am I manly enough for you? Um... My voice... Wow. Yes. Whoa. Is Tony manly enough?

40:48I think so. Okay, the bar is pretty low. Good answer. Good answer.

40:57Brian Redban:So you've broken up with guys in the past because they weren't manly enough, though. Yeah. But you don't recall an example of what they did or wasn't manly enough about them? I can't think of a specific example now. They said, go out there and punch the cleaner in the throat right now. No, you wouldn't have said that. See the cleaner. Sexually weak? What? Like they couldn't fuck good? I'm sorry. Well, that's... That's obviously it. That is a turnoff, for sure. What's a turnoff? Sexually weak. Coming too quickly? Has that ever happened with you? Yeah. Okay, so can you give an example of that? Where a man was too sexually weak?

41:36Brian Redban:This is where you would reference during an interview a part of your life. We have talked about that of all things. You like to have your pussy eating good. Here you go, Olivia. Here's a little joke book. You did it. You had your first time on the show. She started here, as you could tell. That Jill Biden material. Struggling for 45 seconds. Ended it with a cleaner. Something about a salad we'll never really know. Wow. Imagine that. The roommates are going to have to watch that set. All right. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody. It's Mario Z.

42:22So I'm 45 years old, and on top of looking like Ian Financial Ruin, the thing that sucks the most for me is all the things that I loved when I was a kid are ruined. You know what I loved? Bill Cosby. And I know that shit sounds mental to say nowadays, but, like, I grew up with Bill Cosby. I watched all of his shows, Kids Say the Darnedest Things, Fat Albert, The Cosby Show, and all of these shows had lessons that taught you how to be a good person, ironically, from Bill Cosby, you know? Like, he was my hero, right? So the allegations came out, I couldn't believe it. I was like, that's America's dad.

43:01And the evidence came out, and I was like, fucking Bill. You know? But even though I couldn't defend him, there were people who said dumb shit like, well, it happened so long ago, what does it even matter? And fuck those people, all right? Bill Cosby's gonna be remembered for all the bad shit that he did, because he wasn't on the Lakers.

43:24Kobe! Hey, maybe if Bill had a fistful of rings instead of a fistful of quailus, maybe we can overlook a couple of things, you know? Bill Herthard-Dewson was dying to get on a helicopter, y 'all. Thank you.

43:41Brian Redban:All right, Mario Z. You've been on this show before, Mario? I have. Right. Good to see you again. Remind us. How long have you been on stand-up? What do you do for work? Stand-up 12 years for work. I'm big porn. Okay, what kind of porn do you make? Giantist porn with my wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was on in December. Giantist porn. Like 50-foot women shit. You guys don't like big titties? It's hot. Okay, what is it again? Giantist porn. So like 50 foot woman stuff Is she really big? My wife is taller than me I did it But what makes it a giantess porn? Explain that to Everyone else in the world Got it Other than Red Band's pig ass I love giantess porn This guy's a fucking Tarantino You don't even know dude This fucking guy I'm gonna have to provide so many questions for him dude excited red pants.

44:48Brian Redban:It's a childlike wonder over here. I think my ex actually, he made a movie with my ex. Okay. Alright, Juanita. Let's fucking shout out more people. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, yeah. So I do video editing. And so pandemic happened. We moved to Philly and I got a job and we were fucking broke. I lost a job because it was a shitty job. And we were trying to figure out shit to do. And we threw out a video and somebody's like, hey, can you make me this custom? And we're like, well, these are the things we won't do. And they're like, done. List the things that you wouldn't do. Nudity, no nudity. And that's basically it.

45:26Wait.

45:27Brian Redban:God damn it. I'm the one wondering if I'm kind of loopy this episode or if the answers that I'm getting are so retarded. One of the things you wouldn't do in a porn is nudity. Okay, that's what I was thinking too. Yeah, okay, so fetish porn isn't necessarily about sex. Yes, it is. I don't know what your kegs are, man. I like sex. Me too. So the video is just what, like, the camera on the floor and the woman looking big? No, so I do video editing, so we do, like, green screen stuff. We put her, like, into cities. She stomps around and, like, breaks shit. She rubs G.I. Joe's on her crotch. Okay, Red Bam, please, for the love of God.

46:08Brian Redban:Is that what it is? Let the guy fucking... No, no, no, no. It's in her Hot Wheels cars on a fat woman. I feel like you know more than I do. So it's basically green screen make believe giant girl. Yeah, it's more like the story. What's the most sexual thing that she does in this porn? She wears a bikini. But you call it porn? Okay, so a lot of it is like... Who buys it? Can you say his name? Creepy short guys? A lot of people buy it actually. Well, maybe, I don't know. But it's more about like the domination of it, like the actions. so it's like not necessarily the sexuality of the woman, but like her presence in a scene.

46:51It's fetish porn! I don't think I've ever... Don't you miss the good old days when Playboy would just show you a smiling blonde woman's nipples? Wasn't America whole back then? Before all of this degenerate big woman with clothes on stuff? Remember a vagina with hair on it?

47:16Brian Redban:You're very old. And this is how both of you make your money, is by doing this? We don't do that anymore. She's a behavioral therapist.

47:30Brian Redban:So how do you make money? We make passive income on the porn. So stuff that we made five years ago is still selling. You're getting fucking residuals on your giantess porn? Oh, fuck. But she's tall. Not like clips for sale? Clips for sale. We have our own personal site. We also do other stuff like OnlyFans and stuff like that. We do picture sets and shit like that. Jesus Christ, man. All right. Anything else? Times are tough during COVID. You know it's over, right? Well, that's why we stopped doing it, but we're still making the money on it. Okay. Can anyone do this? I mean, sure, yeah. Anybody can do anything, right?

48:07Well, I mean, it sounds like the most doable porn ever. It really is. That's what I'm saying. That's why we were able to do it. If I was like, hey, can I bang you in front of a camera? She'd be like, fuck you, you know? Like, I'll do a lot of porn if I don't got to get naked.

48:21Brian Redban:Technically, I think we're doing porn right now is what I'm finding out. Somebody's going to jack off to this, I promise you. Yeah, yeah. 100%. We're doing some giantist shit. Yeah. No doubt about it. We're the giantest comedy show in the world right now. All right, you already have a little joke book? No, I have a big one. There you go. You're getting a little one this time. There was a lot of clunk around that. But the Lakers part was funny. Long setup. Ineffective tags. Let's change the mood in here a little bit, everybody. We have one of our most famous regulars of all time here to do a minute.

49:01Brian Redban:Ladies and gentlemen, sing along if you know the words. This is Hans Kemp.

49:12Hey, what's up? It's good to be here. I got kind of nervous when all those Democrats left the state earlier this month. Because usually when politicians leave Texas, it means there's a natural disaster coming.

49:30A lot of people have a Nancy Pelosi stock tracker. I have a Ted Cruz weather app.

49:39Whenever he's in Cancun, you know how to layer up. Yeah, I have a Jewish girlfriend I found out, so that helps with the weather thing.

49:54My girlfriend is Jewish, which means we're going to have Asian Jewish babies. It's just going to be lines of computer code that reset your credit score. But yeah, just a different time when I was a kid, trans fats were bad.

50:16Thank you guys.

50:19Brian Redban:Wow.

50:23Brian Redban:For Tony's own, Hans Kim. Absolutely crushing. Multiple punchlines scattered throughout a minute. honest, pure, from your perspective all stuff true to you and there he is this is the man who's notoriously the greatest interviewee in the history of the show he cannot tell a lie he constantly over shares and the interview begins now welcome back Hans how do you feel? I feel great, I'm ready to tell you about my sex life go right ahead if that's what you want to do I mean, I wasn't even going to ask about that, but if that's what you want to talk about, you can go right ahead. Well, I mean, I think I covered all of it.

51:08Brian Redban:Have you ever seen giantist porn before? You have. Yeah. You're the kind of guy that would be into that. Yeah, I was kind of intrigued. So you've seen it before. What happened in the giantist porn that you've seen? Can you describe it? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Uh, well, it's Amazon Amanda. Some of you might know her. You know Amazon Amanda? Really? Let me see. You can look her up.

51:41Brian Redban:Amazon Amanda. Yeah, she just dangles a woman and tickles her feet. Which part are you into? Just the tickling, the whole tickling thing. You love tickling, huh? Yeah. Tickling, I don't like to be tickled. You don't? No, I hate it. How bad do you hate it? It's like a nightmare, like a sexual nightmare. Well, you never should have let me know. Yeah, I mean... James, are you in the mood to tickle him a little bit? How many of you think we should let James tickle hearts? Is that her? Oh, my God. Amazon Amanda is huge.

52:22Brian Redban:No, here's what you do. You get behind him. Hans, you face the crowd. He's looking at it. You can't see it happening. It's different when you see it. See the ghost tickling. Don't turn around, Hans. You're not allowed to turn around. I could tickle him. That's poking. He's doing some kind of wacky Australian-Irish poking. I'll get you when he is how we tickle in the other hemisphere. Ew, he just poked. That's not a good thing. You gotta go in there. You gotta hit those riblets, dude. The armpits don't really work. This is fun.

53:00Brian Redban:Now I get why it's porn. Yeah. You can find that clip on Clips for Sale. Amazing. Amazon Amanda is humongous, by the way. Yeah, it's like a power thing. It's crazy. Wow. And you're into that. Yeah. That's gross. Let's talk to Dave Land. Oh, God, what? Yeah. Did you get your watch back? No. No, he didn't get the watch back. Oh, that sucks. I feel bad about that. It's okay. It's not your fault. Was she bigger? No, she was petite. Here, give me that. Is that the swatter? Is that the electric swatter?

53:50Brian Redban:See this Hans? Yes, Tony. This is a new feature on the show. You know what we do with this? It's the super tickler. I'll touch you with this. You're going to feel a... Hans, what else is going on in your life? You committed any crimes lately? You get pulled over by the police? I did. You did? In Mississippi, a black police officer pulled me over. Oh, my God. I don't know where that lies in MLK's dream. Wow. No, she...

54:24She obviously pulled you over not for the color of your skin, but for the quality of your driving.

54:39Brian Redban:Tell us how this went down when you got pulled over. I was going 78 in a 70 or something like that, and it was just like a speed trap.

55:00Brian Redban:Tell that bitch I need my racket restrung.

55:12Brian Redban:78 in a 70. Yeah.

55:17It might have been 84. But yeah, it was just a quick, you know, it's like, that's, it's like very efficient. He just, you know, wrote it, you know, sent me on my way. Great having black cops, you know, they know what it's like.

55:32Brian Redban:Well, here he is. We have the official state trooper of Mississippi. Famously one of the worst state highway patrolmen in all of Mississippi.

55:45Brian Redban:I swear to God, when I find you, you're gonna be in real trouble, motherfucker! I felt that breeze. That's at least 82, 83 miles an hour.

55:59Brian Redban:Hansi boy, Kim, having fun. Shows have been good. Everything's good. Yeah, I went to San Antonio with Timmy No Breaks. Ooh, the newest superstar. Another non-handicapped golden ticket winner. San Antonio was made for Timmy No Breaks. Tell us what you mean when you say that. It's just like, you know, just fucking rowdy people just fucking drinking and just fucking yelling at Timmy. It's kind of aggressive. But no, it was great. He murdered. It was amazing. I was in other cities. You know, I had to go through Mississippi. So, you know, it's kind of, you know, ups and downs. But yeah, I got a lot of guys coming up to me telling me about guns and like guys that can kill me now, like just tell me that they can do that.

56:49You know, it's not very tactical to tell everyone you have a gun. So I'm kind of at a disadvantage here. But yeah, I'm kind of just chilling. I have my guns. Was it mainly white people in Mississippi showing you their guns? Yeah. I don't think black people are into, like, the, you know, the round millimeter shit. They're just like...

57:17Brian Redban:How about nerdy stuff, Hans? How's your nerd life been going? What have you been doing in that department? Any new hobbies? I got back into Starcraft 2. I'm a Diamond League 2v2 player. Wow. Incredible. Are you good at Rubik's Cube? I'm very bad. I could do the first two rows, but not the bottom row. All right. Perfect. I guess we won't be using that tonight. All right, Hans, fun times. Thank you so much. The legend, Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

57:50Brian Redban:All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Isaac Kane Brown. We're going to meet them all together now. Isaac Kane Brown.

58:07My girlfriend's a type 1 diabetic and a type 2 fucking bitch all the time.

58:19I think we should start thanking the spouses of veterans for their service. For real, guys, they're warriors. I mean, could you imagine hearing a firework and just getting the shit kicked out of you? For absolutely no reason. Fuck the troops, dude.

58:43Fun fact, I don't know if you guys know this. Hennessy is made from grapes. That's fucked up. That's like light beer being made from ranch. You know exactly who's drinking it.

59:09Autocorrect can be confusing. For three months, I thought my dad was scared of ninjas.

59:19Which, looking back, doesn't make sense.

59:21Brian Redban:Why would ninjas have pit bulls? Damn it, just a little too long. Here, to say it again, why doesn't it make sense? Why would ninjas have pit bulls? Wow. Wow. There you go. There it is. Isaac Kane Brown. Is this your first time on the show? No. Okay. Third. Third time? Yeah. Okay. All right. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years now. What do you do for work? Nothing. How are you able to survive without working? VA disability. Really? You're a veteran? Yeah. What branch? Marine Corps. Okay. What did you do in the Marine Corps? I was an infantryman. Nothing too much. You ever battle?

1:00:10You ever go to battle? The only thing I battled was gay thoughts.

1:00:14Brian Redban:Wow. In that case, I deserve the Medal of Honor.

1:00:24Brian Redban:But the VA gives you enough money to totally survive and live a normal life. I make it work. Can you give us an example of how you use your budget to your advantage? Ramen noodles, Chef Boyardee, and then I sell Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Ah, there it is. The truth is out. I remember you now. Red band going, you don't know Yu-Gi-Oh? You don't fucking know Yu-Gi-Oh? Yeah, what the fuck? Yu-Gi-Oh and Giant is porn. It's a whole evening. What? What's your love life like, Isaac? You seem like a good-looking guy? You seem like you'd be the third Franco brother or something like that? It's going good. I have a girlfriend.

1:01:11Does she do comedy, too? No, she's a dog groomer. Ooh, a dog groomer. All right. I love it when she calls me a good boy.

1:01:25Brian Redban:Everybody's into some wild shit. Amazing. Fun. What do you guys think about Isaac Cain Brown? I'm asking the panel, not you guys. Anything there, James? Do you ever... Well, you attacked the armed forces, but you were... In your set, you were being negative about military servicemen. No? What did he say? You said something nasty about the army. Is that true? You said fuck the troops. Yeah. But you were the troops. Yeah. Did you not get along with the troops? No, they suck. What do you mean when you say that, that they suck? Well, most people in the military are 18 to 22. Right. The only reason you join is because you got C's in high school.

1:02:21Is that why you joined?

1:02:23Brian Redban:Yeah. How old are you now, Isaac Kane-Brown? I'm 28. 28. And did you suffer a specific injury? I got ejecto-cedoed out of a vehicle. You what? Vehicle hit a trench and I flew the fuck out the top of it. If there was any country you could wipe off the earth, which one would it be? Great question. Just one. Israel. Oh, all right. Okay, and we're back, everybody. We had to take a little commercial break there. With that hair and nose, you're gonna pick Israel? Look, he already hates himself with the troops thing. One of the flies flew into the hard drive there, so if the video came out a little jittery, it's all wacky.

1:03:18Brian Redban:Beep-boop, beep-boop, beep-boop. It's all fixed now, and we're back. Oh, there he is. when you hear the sound of a jungle bird, you know. No way, that's going on Netflix. It's true. Maybe on Al Jazeera, but not... All right, Isaac Kane-Brown. You're not Jewish yourself? No. No, you just look like that? Yeah. All right. I love it. What do you think about CEOs of healthcare companies? You do have a look We gotta teach him a lesson Alright Isaac, you already have a big joke book? There he goes, Isaac Kane Brown Everyone

1:04:11Brian Redban:The lovely Heidi, everybody HeidiRegina.com is her new website What a smoke show I'll tell you, if I was into women... Alright, this looks like a new name, everybody. Make some noise for Augie Lee. Augie Lee. Here we go.

1:04:35Hey. So, uh... I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. I, uh... I got home from work. and walked into our house because we live together. And I saw her making love with a man in my living room. So I bolted up and I said, What's the big idea?

1:05:12You know what I mean? Really? What's the big idea? I mean, what the fuck? No, no, no, no, no! What the fuck? Fuck, fuck, fuck!

1:05:28Anyway, speaking of black guys... All right. I mean, what the fuck? No, my cousin's dating a black guy, and she's having a baby soon. And... Yeah, okay, that's it. No, no, no. No, you go. You go.

1:05:47And I'm like, what's that baby gonna be like, you know? Like, Hey, yo, where the Y-Babies at? Can I get a chocolate new port?

1:06:05Can you... I need some studio time.

1:06:10Brian Redban:All right, thank you, yeah. No, no, no, keep going. Just do all the material that you have. I'm very interested by you. Do you have more jokes? No, not really. Okay, perfect. That's good. Augie Lee. I wanted to see if all your jokes halfway through you just turn into like... Seems like you have a little thing there. Yeah, yeah. You're like a really, really, really lazy Casey Rocket. I like it. Not a lot of movement, but a shit ton of charisma and very compelling material. Thank you. You have a little bit of your own style. How long have you been doing stand-up? About like seven months. Okay. All of it here in Austin?

1:06:48Brian Redban:Yeah, we'll start in Seattle. I'm from Seattle. And you just moved here? Yeah. Nice. Congratulations. Thank you. All right. Yep, James. I just wondered what else you've been doing since LMFAO broke up.

1:07:04Yeah. I like the hair. The hair is cool. No, no, thanks. Yeah, I know. I know. I'm like chimichanga libre. I don't know. Nacho libre. Never mind. Forget about it. Perfect. Yep. Are you Mexican? Yeah, I mean, Hispanic, something like that. Yeah, perfect. Mutt. What do you do for work, Augie Lee? I work at a thrift store. Do you? I do, actually. Does that mean steal carburetors? No, but I do work with some Mexicans.

1:07:36Brian Redban:You see some crazy stuff working at a thrift store? People trying to make deals? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Tell us about it. I got, like, guys coming in, and, like, someone will drop something off, and the thing is it's required to bring it inside and we tag it, price it, whatever. And I'll get people to be like, I'm supposed to slip you a 20, you know? And I'm like, I don't know. But, you know, we get like, I got like Seinfeld collections and like... Like VHS? Yeah, like cool, yeah, just cool like vintage shit, I guess. Wow. Gucci sunglasses. They pay you for bringing stuff to a thrift store? No, no.

1:08:12Other people, I get paid to bring it in. while other people donate. I'm sorry, I had a very exciting moment where I thought I could get rid of all my shit. But you said they're coming in and they're complaining. They're like, this should be 20. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But they're not getting any money for it. They just want the dignity of the product to get a high price. Yeah. That's weird. It is weird. It is weird. It's like, come on, we're doing it like a third of the price anyways or whatever. Augie, do you do drugs? I don't know, Tony. It's like I do drugs. Huh, you know what?

1:08:47Brian Redban:Yeah, it does. Yeah, a little bit. What kind of drugs do you do? I like acid a lot. Okay. When's the last time you did acid? Um, hmm. What time today? Actually, I did it like a couple weeks ago, and while I was on acid, we, like, we were just chilling on the couch, and we were trying to write something, but we saw a rat running across into my bathroom. Uh-huh. Yeah. I was like, is this real? Yeah. And they, yeah, the rat, like, it was the whole thing on rat, on acid, and my friends were just fucking with me the whole night. That was the last time I took acid, by the way. That was it. I mean, I...

1:09:28A few weeks ago.

1:09:30Brian Redban:Yeah, a few weeks ago. Yeah. Awesome. How about drinking? You do a lot of drinking? Like a Jack and Coke guy. How about today? Bath salts? Sorry. Did you drink today? What if I just fucking eat his face off? Get out, Tony. You're a wild boy, Augie. Did you drink today, Augie? Yeah, a little. I had one drink. My friend Matt was like, you're getting one drink only. You don't, you know, you're just going to fuck with you. Yeah, I was like, okay. And then I'm here. It happened. Yeah. You scared? How do you feel? I've been watching you guys since I was like 13 years old. Wow. How old are you now? I'm 24.

1:10:13Brian Redban:Amazing. Okay. So with that said, you've been watching that long. You're in the interview part right now. I know. What would you want you to do in this part of the show? You've been watching for a long time. Wow. This is it. I know, I know, right? You good at anything? You have any special skills or talents? You know how to yodel or anything like that? Yodel, yodel, yodel, yodel. No, I can't. So no. No, but I don't always try. I'll try anything once. I like karaoke. I love karaoke. I bet you do. I make music and stuff too, but I will sing anything. No. But no, yeah, no. Don't let me do that. Anything crazy about your family or your life history?

1:11:01Brian Redban:Any near-death experiences? You ever save anybody's life? You ever do anything good? I haven't saved anyone's life. You ever done an act of service? Oh, boy. That's a good question. I don't think I have ever done anything good. Okay, what's the worst thing you've ever done? You ever committed a crime or anything like that? Um, we... Have you ever had any brain injuries or anything? Brain injury. Concussions? We, no, I don't know. Yeah, no, I don't know if I've done anything bad or good, Tony. This is a hard question. I'm trying to think of, like... When you say we, do you mean you?

1:11:48He likes you. No, he doesn't. Yes. Yeah, no, I meant you, too, right? No, yeah.

1:11:55Brian Redban:All right, Augie. You're a silly boy. Thank you. But you know what? I'm going to give you a big joke book, Augie. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. your set. I appreciate you. Got a little tightened up during the interview, but there he goes. Augie Lee. Thank you. I like silly shit. Like when it goes silly. Yeah, he's pretty silly. He's a silly guy. Let's keep it moving along. You guys still having fun out there? How many of you like going comedians do good on this show? How many of you like going comedians do bad on this show? Well, you must be having a blast tonight. Make some noise for your next bucket pool.

1:12:36Brian Redban:It's John Bechdel. John Bechdel.

1:12:42Well, ladies and gentlemen, you're in a four-a-tree, so let's see how it goes. Austin, Texas, how's it going? RFK, it's on fucking site. Without these food dyes, how am I going to know which M &M I want to fuck now? Joke's on you. It's the yellow one. I love that big, dumb slut. Hey, y 'all, give it up, mother chip. I know this is a crowd of true blue, red 40-blooded Americans. Am I goddamn right? No, these music biopics, they're crazy. They're making, like, a Bruce Springsteen one. What, in 20 years, the clone of Timothee Chalamet is going to star in a One Direction movie that gets nominated for an Academy Award where we learn what direction that band was about?

1:13:26Down! We'll get a story about XXXTentacion's older brother, XI, XI, XI 11-chion. The story of Little Uzi Vert's dad, Big Gatling Gun horizontal. All of his friends are alive. How Rob Tomp's from Matchbox 20 is just like, yeah, hindsight's Matchbox 20-20. I know Joanchi loves fabrics. I wouldn't trust a single Jason with a deli. Hell yeah, y 'all.

1:13:58Brian Redban:John Bechtel. You're a wild boy. Look at you. Again, this is like the third guy tonight that just looks like a pure fucking comedian. I mean, you look like you've been exclusively only eating plastics your entire life. I can't even buy macro plastics. Yeah, you look like you pour the water out of the plastic bottle and just start chewing on it. Just straight plastic bottle eater. Robin flavor is like, that's an upgrade. It is incredible. You are something else. I mean, look at you. You are a wild boy. Thank you very much. Okay, good, good, good. Fantastic. How long have you been a full-grown garden gnome?

1:14:43Ever since I made that wish three full moons ago.

1:14:46Brian Redban:How long have you been exclusively only eating beef jerky? You seem dry. I've never been able to afford that shit. I'm not poor. Okay, tell us about your budget. Tell us how you, what do you eat? So luckily I work at a restaurant That gives us free food I think that that's great I think that legally that should be the case Because god damn it I can't afford anything on these mother-in-law My god, incredible So what's your living situation? You live alone? I've got some roommates Okay, tell us about the situation How many roommates? Two roommates, they're married Josh and Maria McCauley Everybody's just shouting people out tonight This is a ticking time bomb.

1:15:28No, they're absolute saints. I wouldn't have a living situation. You had a what? I wouldn't have a living situation if I wasn't doing comedy and met cool people.

1:15:36Brian Redban:Yes, absolutely. So where did you meet them at? An open mic at Tiniest Bar in Texas. Okay. I thought you were going to say AA there for a second. Are you sober? We went over this last time. I'm two years sober eventually. Okay. But not yet. Not yet. Did the line work better the last time you did it? Kind of did, actually. Okay. So, John, you're working at a restaurant. You got roommates. You guys share one bathroom? Oh, God. That is the biggest upgrade in my quality of life I've ever had, having my own goddamn bathroom. My old roommate, Jake. Oh, this dipshit. My old roommate, Jake Anderson. Okay.

1:16:20Stop calling people out by their full names, John. Would take a bath for four hours. Like, this grendel-ass motherfucker just sitting in there. Like, he would just sit there and be like, dude, like, you could just, like, you know, knock. And I'm like, you've been in here for five hours, motherfucker.

1:16:38Brian Redban:Do you ever take a shit while he's sitting there in the bathtub? He kept the curtain closed, so I took a piss in protest once. Wow. Look at you. You look crazy, John. Yeah. What do you drink exactly? Vodka on kettle. No, vodka tonic. Sure, yes. We're totally comparable, John. What's your drink? A vodka tonic. How many of those do you drink a day? I've had two today. Really? Yeah. Only two? Only two. Now, they do serve pitchers next door at Shakespeare's. Did you have one of the pitchers? I tried to, and then y 'all called me. Okay. You know what we're going to do? Let's do a breathalyzer test on this guy.

1:17:20Brian Redban:Let's go. We have a new breathalyzer that we've never tried out before. This is a brand new test in the history of Kill Tony. We've never done this before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the lovely Heidi, everyone. You know how to do this thing, Heidi? Okay, it's on. I'm a professional taking breathalyzer tests. All right. Fucking blow you, creep. The thing reads, disgusting.

1:17:52Brian Redban:It just says halitosis. What does it say, Heidi? Point zero. Yeah, you gotta... Blow you f***. Jesus Christ almighty. Point zero three. Alright, there you go. I think that's... That's genuinely crazy. Slightly over the legal limit. Right? Or no, it's under. No, it's way under. Way under. Way under. You look trashed. I look like trash to me. What's your love life like, John? Is there anyone that's into that? We found out tonight people have a lot of crazy fetishes. Oh, God. Well, mine's about, like, not having a fetish. So I had an old fuck buddy of mine. She told me not to tell the story. Great.

1:18:39Brian Redban:Please do not say her full name right now. So her name is Michelle Obama. No. No. So. So. she just recently became a juggalette and we're hooking up and she's like, John, I think this is going to be a deal breaker. And it's like we've been fucking for like eight years. So what's going to be a deal breaker? Well, her playlist, she's just become a juggalette. There's nothing else? It's all brand new. Like music to her. So there's like four songs. Did you go to the gathering? Not yet. Didn't get invited. Alright. She starts stock in the fridge of Fago. So why would it not work out if she's into different music?

1:19:21Well, she wants me to be into it. This is what she started listening to. There's about four songs in the playlist. What does she have? That on repeat during sex. But she's got that insane clown pussy now. That's cheap and wrong. You should fix your situation. This long-term fuck buddy thing is a real mistake. Oh, yeah. No, no. I'm out of the situation. The insane clown posse is now in the situation. Well, at least they didn't come out here with a blood test.

1:19:53Brian Redban:John, before you go, tell us the craziest thing about your entire life that we don't know about you right now. I fell into the sewer last year. I'm trying to find a good lawyer to help me sue the city of Austin to help with that. Okay, please tell us exactly what happened. I think we're finding out exactly why you look the way you look. It took seven and a half minutes for us to get there. The old pot calling the kettle black. Old nuclear fucking wiener dog over here. So this is the story of how I went home. I'm walking down the street. I'm walking down South First and Barton Springs by that Whataburger.

1:20:33What a lovely day. I turn to the left. I fucking fall about eight feet into a fucking sewer. Oh. The fucking guy working on it didn't put a sign. He's just smoking a joint on the side and being like, oh, shit, what's going on over here? And I'm like, help me. Please. Oh, my God. You could definitely sue for that. I've got like 90 stories like that. You're going to die. Probably, yeah. No, seriously, you have everything. Yeah. You might be the strongest person alive immune-wise, though. That's what I'm saying. You're like the toxic Avenger without the hero part And strength And also unemployable You've got 90 stories similar to Falling down an open sewers Can you tell us one more

1:21:21Brian Redban:Do you have one more that you can think of When I was a kid I was attacked by a pelican on a school trip Oh my god You can't believe How hard it was To convince that teacher I didn't have my homework anymore. Where were you visiting? Fucking SeaWorld, so the teachers didn't have to work. Oh my god. How hard did it attack you? I mean, like, I'm no longer friends with those goddamn dirty birds. You were friends with the pelicans before? I thought they were pretty neat. Who's the one? Like, the fucking... It's the tuna guy? The fish restaurant. I don't know. Sun Kiss? Charlie. The Sun Kiss bird? Mr.

1:22:12Tuna. Classic character. But they're at like 90 of these stories? Yeah, okay. You could be here all night. I'd like to hear one more.

1:22:24Brian Redban:Story number 88. Number 88 is... Fell into a sewer. It was 90. Attacked by pelicans. At SeaWorld. Number 88. Oh, right. One time I got the district manager of my job fired because he owed me$270 and he could not stop me from calling HR every single day. So how did you get him fired? Well, you know, this guy would hire like 16-year-olds. You know, just that was kind of his most operandum. Where was this job? What was this job? Potbelly on Guadalupe. Wow. Calls everything out by name. Oh, and file Kevin Snoga. Old blackmail Bechdel. The doxer, John Bechdel, is here. Samantha Appleby, you bitch. Hey, party's not too hot.

1:23:21Brian Redban:You're a wild boy, John. You already have a big joke book? I do not. Here you go. There it is. John Bechdel, everyone. Talking about how he wants to fuck M &Ms. And honestly, I believe him. I believe him. Whoa. Whoa. 91. Yeah, there it is. Story number 91. I was once walking off Kill Tony, and I almost died tripping on a cord. I need a lawyer if anybody has one. I did have a lawyer before, but he screwed me. His name... What the fuck is it? Fucking Henry. Thomas J. Henry. Thomas J. Henry. All right. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Alex Tarno. Alex Tarno, everyone. Here we go.

1:24:14How you guys doing tonight? Good? Yeah, I'm doing good myself, all things considering. I'm single. I miss my ex-girlfriend because I miss doing chick shit. I love chick shit. Most guys in this room are like football, cars. Me, I'm like Hobby Lobby. Bath and Body Works Love all that shit I try to convince my guy friends to go with me But they all just think I'm trying to fuck them They're like Yo let's go to a strip club I'm like that sounds fun But you know what sounds fun? A farmer's market Let's go get some locally sourced honey Dude Some fresh produce dude I did go to that strip club right I like strip clubs But I don't like that the gender roles were reversed at a strip club.

1:25:03The women come up to the men, and that's terrifying to me. I'm not used to that shit at all, and they're aggressive as fuck. Ladies, I understand your plight. I now know what it's like to be a hot chick, because I'm just there with my boys just trying to have a fun time at the strip club, and these money-hungry strippers are like, ah, you want to dance? You want to dance? And I'm like, leave me alone trying to have fun with my friends. Just because I dress as sweet doesn't mean I want attention. All right, thank you.

1:25:34Brian Redban:Alex Tarnow. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. Alex, we know you, right? Have you been on this show before? Yes, I have, sir, yes. You've been pulled out of the bucket. Not pulled out of the bucket. I brought Chris Celio, my roommate, my best friend. That's right. The golden ticket winner that's blind. Incredible. How long have you guys been roommates? We've been roommates for a short period of time, best friends for 10 years. Wow, amazing. What's it like being best friends with a blind guy? It's fine. I mean, like... It's fucking... D-Madness. Plug your ears. Dude. Bro, like, you know, like, simple shit where, like, it'll be...

1:26:13He's... This one time I go into the bathroom, lights are off, doors open, right? I open the door, and then he goes, ah, dude. I'm like, well, fuck you.

1:26:22Brian Redban:Oh, that's amazing. Of course they don't need the lights on. Why the fuck would they? I've never even thought of that before. Blind people's electric bills must be incredible. God damn it, 35 cents. What the fuck did I do?

1:26:41Brian Redban:How the hell is this even motherfucking possible? It's all from the doorbell. Who been ringing that fucking doorbell that much? I'm gonna charge those motherfuckers. It's one of my D Madness impression. D, I don't know if you can tell. That's you. I'm not really good at impressions, but that's... I love it. So what do you do for work, Alex Tarnow? Me? So I am, my background is in teaching, but right now the first job I was able to get when I moved to Austin, I'm currently a server at a retirement community. Whoa, okay. Yeah. So you're just serving final meals constantly. Just, I mean, bro, I was, like, excited when I first got the job, because I'm like, yo, I'm going to fucking crush some old pussy, dude.

1:27:26And then I got the job, and then I was like, oh, bro, gross. This is not like what you Google online, dude.

1:27:37Brian Redban:Have any of the ladies, have any of the old ladies tried to fuck you? No, come on, buddy. Not at all. You would have crushed them, though. You are correct. I would have destroyed. You are adorably chubby. I mean, it is a special, it is a very special kind of fad. I love that you lean into it by wearing shirts like that. If you poke my belly, I giggle. I bet. I bet you do. What are your foods of choice? What does it take to exactly make that shape? So I have like a legendary Chipotle order. Ooh, tell us about this. It's pretty crazy. I get a steak bowl, but triple steak. Oh my God, yes. And double large guac, extra toppings, dude.

1:28:21What are your toppings of choice? My top cheese, like the shredded cheese. Corn, you know The chili corn You go red and green? I do red and green, yeah M &M's Rice Krispie Treats

1:28:38Brian Redban:It's like one of those Wacky ice cream sundaes By the end Crumbled Oreos I go ham with that too, dude You go ham with ham What's your love life like, Alex? It's I've been single now for two years, you know. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I've been kind of... You from Austin? No, I'm from Miami. Have you ever kissed a girl since you've lived in Austin? Not yet, no. Not yet? Is there a girl out there? Is there a fan of the show that'll come up and give him his big first Austin kiss, this adorable boy? We have some of the greatest fans in all of show business. and famously there's always a woman that for the sake of the goodness of the State of the Union come on whoever you are

1:29:35Brian Redban:this is where the magic happens everybody this is a very long famous portion of the show it's called Kiss Me here on Kill Tony this is Alex Tarno and this is his first kiss as an Austin, Texas resident. Okay. Hell yeah. That was a quick little peck there. How do you feel, Alex? Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you. I believe this is a couple. Yeah, it really is. You guys are both wearing Halloween shirts. What? Why are you booing? Why are you fucking... Who are you offended by in that? Great thing just right now. You don't think he's a handsome, charismatic man with a funny joke about the strip club?

1:30:33I look like a poor man's John Belushi. Like a Jim Belushi? You look like a Jim Belushi. Yeah, that's Jim Belushi.

1:30:41Brian Redban:Not Jim Belushi. A poor man's John Belushi is Jim Belushi. That's what I was trying to say. I thought it was funny. It is, yeah. It's so funny. That's incredible. Okay, Alex. Just make sure she's on top. It's fucking murder if I'm on top. What's your name, sweetheart? Talk into that microphone right there. Elena. Elena, how did you feel kissing Alex on this stage? Well, he's quite charming. Wow, look at this. Oh, my goodness. Hell, yeah. Yeah, this chick's gonna be walking in on a blind dude taking a shit in the dark in no time. This is incredible.

1:31:29Brian Redban:Amazing, amazing. Elena, where are you from? Michigan. Oh, okay, so this guy's, this is like a 10. Right here, this is a Michigan 10. We do look like we make the perfect 10 though. Yeah, zero one perhaps. I think Michael's seeing the 10 back there. All right. Thank you so much, Elena. Thank you, Alex Tarno. Fun times. Alex, how long's your longest set? How about a hand for Elena, everybody, being a good sport. What's the longest set you've ever done? 30 minutes. 30 minutes. I would love to have you and the blind guy on the Secret Show Thursday. Chris Celio and Alex Tarno just got booked on the Secret Show.

1:32:14Brian Redban:Oh, my goodness. Here we are, coming right around the corner. All right. We have another bucket bowl, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Jackson Naimi, everyone. Jackson Naimi. Appreciate it. I know I look like I got turned out out of Planet Fitness. It was a YMCA. Fuck you, for real. I got PTSD, preconceived tendency to suck dick, and it's a disorder. and it's hereditary, so some of you hoes better watch out. They call me Cronus the way I be eating kids. Pause, pause, what the fuck? That's a Greek joke. They call me Percy Jackson the half-blood f***er, for real. They call my throat Slitterbund the way kids be sliding down it.

1:33:04It's a magic school bus on my tongue. Come on the magic school bus. Arnold, stop sucking dick behind the school bus again. I can tell there's some closeted energy. I can feel it in the crowd. That one time in college. With his uncle. With that girl who wasn't a girl who thought it was a girl.

1:33:29You ever get so horny you scoot on the carpet like a dog? Just me? Just me? Nah, the dykes are in the front row like, nah, we just munch it. The fuck?

1:33:41This guy asked me if being gay was a choice. I said not to my victims.

1:33:50Damn.

1:33:51Brian Redban:Jackson Naimi coming in and absolutely destroying. Counts for double being that gay in the middle of Texas. You double killed. Absolutely incredible, Jackson. Appreciate it. Last time you killed this hard, it was your parents' expectations of you. What a huge change from last time you were here, man. A huge growth spurt since the last time you were on this show. Appreciate it. It was just gay, and you came out. I'm only half gay now. I'm on five. Yeah. Amazing. Amazing, Jackson. So remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up now? Seven, eight years, maybe. Seven or eight years. All of it here in Texas?

1:34:36Yes, sir.

1:34:37Brian Redban:Okay, this is where you're born and raised? Houston, Texas. Okay. What are your parents like? What do they think of this whole thing with you? They're just regular folk, conservative, Methodist. Yeah. What does your dad say to you when he hears material like this? What do you think he's going to say? Like, Jackson, goddammit. He's got boomer autism, so I give him space, you know what I mean? What do you mean by that? Can you explain that? He can knock on the walls and be like, that's hardwood right there. He just knows shit like that. We get along in a weird way. Like Hank Hill shit. Definitely Hank Hill shit, yeah.

1:35:15If Bobby was trans, then me, yeah.

1:35:17Brian Redban:Yeah. What do you guys do for fun? What do you and your dad do for fun? We used to go camping. We don't, you know, estranged relationships, you know. We trying. How about mom? You closer with mom? She cool. She was in remission for breast cancer. Okay. Yeah. Look at that. Amazing. Full remission. Um, okay, so what do you do for fun, Jackson, when you're not doing comedy or sucking cock?

1:35:48Brian Redban:What's your third favorite thing to do? We know what the first two are. This guy is killing and filling. Crushing and gushing.

1:36:03I got me a girlfriend. Really? Yeah.

1:36:07Brian Redban:Wow.

1:36:11Brian Redban:Okay, where'd you meet this guy? No. No. It's a real girl? Yeah. You're gay, but you have a girlfriend. Yeah. Help us to understand this. I was her gay friend, and now she needs a gay friend. It finally worked for one of us. We finally... It's been a strategy for a long time.

1:36:40Brian Redban:This is amazing. So explain to us the slow burn that was you being her gay friend to starting to fuck. How long were you guys just friends for? Years? Years. Definitely years. So then explain to us the moment, the day, the date, the movie, whatever it may have been, where all of a sudden you... It was the day I was being institutionalized. It was that day. Okay, so tell us about that. So, like, she called me after a while. It had been a while. And I was like, yeah. Because you remember I said I suck dick up here and a million views. Yeah, you just did it again. That took kind of a toll. You just did it again.

1:37:22Yeah, that's it. I mean, it's whatever. But I'm just saying. I got a lot of traction on Grindr after that. That was crazy.

1:37:28Brian Redban:Okay, so you got institutionalized after your appearance on the show? For sure, for sure. But why? What? Why? Was it for the pressure of being on the show, honestly? No, man. Man, no. Okay, tell us why you got institutionalized. The gay shit. What do you mean? Who... I was sad. Juanita was here earlier. She's not going to jail. She's not going to a psych ward. They put me on some Prozac. Fuck the medicine companies, that shit. Was it your parents? Yeah, yeah. Hank Hill did this to you. That's the answer. Yeah, it was fine. It was fine. Okay, so how long did you get institutionalized for? Two months.

1:38:08Two months. Tell us about that. What was that like? I was popular for the first time. It was awesome. Okay.

1:38:15Brian Redban:Explain to us what you mean by that. Well, like, they do this group therapy shit, and, like, I was just running laps around, motherfuckers. Just getting big laps. Yeah, like, fucking kill it. Oh, mama, cancer. Oh, I was a sweetheart. Like, motherfuckers. Oh, yeah. Yeah, motherfuckers. Them girls with the fucking bracelets around, they cut wrists, that shit. I was everyone's best friend. So you met this girl, this new girlfriend of yours in the psych ward? No, sir. Oh, that's right. Hometown girlfriend. So why did she come out of the woodwork the day of your institutionalization? God, I don't know.

1:38:51Brian Redban:I don't fucking know. Okay, so when you got out two months later, she picked you up? Yeah, we waited, slow burn, just doing gay friendship, going to the gallery of fucking botanical gardens. Right, that's gay. Whatever the fuck, it's just, it ruined the stuff. Okay, so tell us about that moment where it went from being super gay to not gay at all anymore. I would sit in the cup chair in her bedroom. While she was having sex with guys. Well, when I would do comedy, she would do some of that. But, like, that... Because, like, we wasn't together. So it was like I was doing some of that, too. We just keeping the friendship.

1:39:25Brian Redban:Okay, let me go back to the root question here. I'm trying to fight Prozac right now. This is a live battle. Tony versus Prozac. on a battle of the titans. If you're wondering why these interviews go nowhere sometimes, it's because it is. The big healthcare companies have a tight grip on my show. So far, Prozac is up one round against me. There had to be a moment, a true moment. Say you're at the Botanical Gardens or something like that, a moment where you're like, I think I could, I think I want to have sex with this shit. I was watching this National Geographic show. Okay. No, seriously, in real life, it doesn't have to be funny.

1:40:02Brian Redban:We just fucked. I was in the bedroom. I was laying down. We were tired of scissoring. It was time. It was time. It was time. I squirted. She squirted. My pussy was wet. We got the pH medifier. Motherfucker. We was ready. So you're regularly having sex with a girl? She's pregnant, yes.

1:40:24Brian Redban:Wait. What? There are some... I'm confused. I can't even imagine. I'm looking out at some Texans that definitely drove a fucking F-250 here from an hour and a half away. Some real fucking ranch folks. Don't be down on it. This is good. This is what you wanted. I don't fucking... He ain't gay no more. He like women.

1:40:52Hey, God.

1:40:57Brian Redban:This is incredible. Are you still on the SSRIs? No, sir. No, sir. I'm freewheeling it, motherfucker. Wow. How long has the girl been pregnant for? She's due in October. Due in October. Unbelievable. And so, what are you going to name the little f***?

1:41:20Well, Jesus Christ.

1:41:22Brian Redban:That thing's coming out gay as f***, dude.

1:41:30Brian Redban:You're gonna go through what your parents went through, and you're gonna find out how karma works, and they're gonna think you're the conservative autistic one. Lil Jaden, I don't know, he's gonna be light-skinned. We gonna fuck around. Oh, it's a black girl? Oh, she Nigerian, yes, sir. Wow! This is incredible. This guy's making up for all the interviews that went nowhere today. Every time I ask him a question. But isn't it nice that he's still disappointing his parents? It's unbelievable.

1:42:06Brian Redban:Have you told them that you're straight now? Have you broke the news to your parents that you're having a baby? Yeah, they were, they're, yeah. Are they happy? They know, yes, sir. How do they feel about it? They're relieved. They're like, thank God, fuck. This is incredible. How does it feel going from gay to straight in record time crazy Split speed yeah, what's funny is that you still you got so good from doing it seven or eight years as a gay man That all of your material is crushing and you're talking about sucking dick. Well, you know, I still dabble Do you really? You really need their hobbies Wow, does she do that too is the night?

1:42:48Yeah, we fuck around. We have good time Wow

1:42:50Brian Redban:Wow, incredible. I know where I'm sleeping tonight. My new friend's house. Pregnant Nigerian and super gay guy. This sounds like a fucking... You gotta get ready to be a father to this child. You gotta stop fucking around. You gotta buy some real pants. You gotta not believe in your ability to be there for this woman and this child. But you're ready to talk to me soon. I'm busting my ass here, motherfucker. I'm trying my best. No, you've got to not bust your ass. Oh, shit. Exactly. Your ass has been busted enough. Wow. Jackson, does she have a job? Uh, yeah, sure. What does she do? She, well, she got, we don't got a job right now.

1:43:38You guys, neither of you have jobs?

1:43:40Brian Redban:How are you planning on supporting the child? Uh, give me a gig, motherfucker. No, that's not how it works. How are you going to do it, period? You know, OnlyFans, I don't know. Do you guys do things on OnlyFans? No, sir. No. Okay. So how are you planning on supporting the child? This interview is going to get sad. It's a bullshit-ass job. Like what? I worked at a hair store. I can do that again. A hair store? Yeah. Sally's? Okay. I don't know. I don't know what that shit is Dude you got You got immense talent to be a professional comic Though for real Thank God Somebody said thank you so much Send this guy some money Send this What do they call it when they transfer this Transfer what?

1:44:36Brian Redban:This born again straight guy Listen It's all well and good to be homophobic but unless you're willing to give money to an ex-ish homosexual, what does it all mean? What's your Venmo? Give your Ven... Yes. Cash App Jackson Name Me One. N-A-M-I. Yes, sir. Jackson Name Me One. You're going to want to get a Venmo. The Cash App people don't give as generously. Right, that's true. You're going to need a Venmo.

1:45:11Brian Redban:Venmo is one more V you have to get into. It's incredible. What's your longest set you've ever done, Jackson? 10-15. I'd love to give you an eight-minute spot at Secret Show Thursday. There you go. And here's the big joke about Jackson. Here you go. He caught it. He's straight. It's official. Wow. Unbelievable. What an intriguing interview. One more time for Jackson, everybody. All right, your final bucket poll of the night. Make some noise for Frank Kidd, everyone. Frank Kidd. Here we go. We're almost there. One more time for Frank, everybody.

1:45:57All right, hello. Sounds like you guys have been having fun, but if I could bring the mood down for a little bit, I want to talk about a difference between black people and white people. Like black people drive past a plantation and think about the years of horrific injustices put upon us. And just how it impacts us today. Just the number of souls lost to the annals of time, crushed under an oppressive system. and then white people drive past that same place and go, what a nice place to have a wedding.

1:46:41Why don't we get married here? Babe, let's do a silly one. Put the shackles on me. That's crazy. I don't know. Ma 'am, have you ever been to a wedding at Auschwitz? Has that ever happened to you? No, that'd be crazy, right?

1:46:57Brian Redban:Okay, all right. Thank you. All right, Frank Kidd. Welcome, Frank. Is this your first time on the show? Yeah, first time on the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years now. Where at? Houston? Baton Rouge. Baton Rouge. That was going to be my next guest. Great game. Great game. Yeah, absolutely. It is college football season. Did you go to college? Yeah, I went to LSU. Oh, sweet. What did you get your degree in? Journalism. Okay. Do you use that at all for anything? Delivering Amazon packages. Perfect. Did you pay off your college debts yet? Parents pay for it. Oh, nice. Okay, what do the parents do?

1:47:36Brian Redban:Real estate. Nice. Look at that. You're locked out. Thank you, Mama Dina. I love it. I love it. What do you do for fun, Frank? I like to go out, hang out with my girlfriend, watch football. Okay. Do gay remixes, songs. Do what remixes? Gay remixes. What do you mean gay remixes? It's like, just like a... Yeah, he was about to... It's like a regular song, but you make a little... James, go ahead. Sorry, we just saw a gay remix come out earlier on.

1:48:09That won't make sense to you, but I apologize.

1:48:19There was a gay guy who's not gay anymore. Oh, yeah, I heard the last part of that. He's sort of not gay anymore. Well, he dabbles. Yeah, he did.

1:48:25Brian Redban:Yeah. I'll still suck your fucking dick in a heartbeat. Totally straight now. No anal. Frank, how long have you been with your girlfriend? About a year now. What does she do? She works at Dillard's. Oh, okay. All right. White girl, black girl? Black. Okay. I don't like how he... What? He was like, white girl, black girl? I was like, she's black. Yeah. Yeah. Is that weird? It's a weird question? No, I'm just saying. I was like... It seems like you looked at me and you were like, he dates white women and I was like... You don't think you look like you would? Not anymore. Right, right. You've been with white women before?

1:49:04Brian Redban:No comment. Of course. When you have, what's something that you notice that's different about white women over black women? Man, man, white pussy, no. White pussy be like, black pussy, nah. I really didn't notice anything different, you know? Nothing at all, huh? Nothing at all. There's so many huge differences. Yeah. Huge. Like, I bet this, you know, touching of the hair is, I'm told, a big thing and... No doubt. I'm sorry. White women have that cauliflower thing deep inside them that black people don't have? I don't know who... What is that, man? You feel that cauliflower thing? Black women not have it?

1:49:50Brian Redban:What the fuck is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you felt the cauliflower thing?

1:50:06Brian Redban:It was broccoli. Broccoli. Cauliflower is, if it's a white woman, it's broccoli. It's a darker woman. Okay. So, Frank, what else? What do you do? Any other hobbies or anything like that? I play Xbox. I go to the gym, I guess. I wish I did rock climbing or bungee jumping or killed people or something for fun. That would be more interesting. That makes sense, though. Yeah. I love it. I love it. What's your favorite food, Frank? Mac and cheese. Ah, how often do you eat mac and cheese? Probably once every two weeks. Wow, what a special treat. I eat it more than that. Yeah, Red Band. I don't even like it.

1:50:51Brian Redban:Red Band has to go to a meet-up group if he goes two weeks without his mac and cheese. What's your favorite mac and cheese? Ooh, here we go. Different levels to the game. Perhaps some bacon bits in the mix? Oven baked with the bacon bits and the breadcrumbs on top. Four cheeses. Red Band sometimes does a breadcrumbs-only remix of that. Oh, no, no, no.

1:51:18Brian Redban:Breadcrumbs! All right. Frank, Frank, Frank Frank kid You have any kids? No, I do not have any kids You want to? Are you offering me some more? Yes, would you like to make a baby with me? No Do you want to have kids one day? Yes, I'd like to have kids one day Also, I will take you up on your offer to have kids with you Perfect Because, you know, divorce I'm coming for half Absolutely Absolutely. I had a feeling you were going to try to steal something from me when I first met him. I didn't realize you were going to play the long game, Frank. I thought you were coming straight for my wallet. I got a long game I can play with you, Tony.

1:52:02Brian Redban:I love it. I missed that. What did he say? You said he was playing the long game with you? No, I said I've got a long game I can play with you, Tony. Oh, I see what that is. That's a dick joke. That's a dick joke. Absolutely.

1:52:19Brian Redban:Okay, Frank, anything else crazy about your life we should know about? Anything ever happen or a weird thing with your family? Weird thing with my family? Something, anything about your entire life makes you different? Okay, so I was out this weekend, and this old dude walked up to my girlfriend's friend, and he stopped like this, and he looked her up and down and pulled his glasses down and walked away. I thought that was pretty funny. That was insane. I can't believe I saw that in real life. That was ridiculous. What did you do? We looked at each other and laughed. We were like, has that ever worked for you or something?

1:52:56He's like 60-something years old in the club with 25, 30-year-olds. He's just appreciating it. That's a compliment. Is that how you hit on women? Sure. He's got the look. That's my thing.

1:53:14Brian Redban:Oh, God. Wow. You want to be on Secret Show?

1:53:21Can you keep a secret? No.

1:53:28Brian Redban:Frank, fun times. Congratulations on getting pulled. There you go. There's a joke. Frank Kidd, everybody. There he goes, everyone. Frank Kidd. Well, we've been through so much tonight. I mean, how could we forget Colin Sledge starting it off with a great set and an awkward interview, and then Juanita being Juanita, a giant Mexican woman with a cock. And then there was the electrical energy of Pat O 'Neill, the huge bombing of Olivia Coughlin talking about Jill Biden and her cleaner. There was Mario Z, Hans Kim, Isaac Kane-Brown, Augie Lee, John Bechtel, Alex Tarno, Jackson Naimi, who went from gay to straight coming inside of a woman's vagina after the dick had been in many assholes of men.

1:54:22Brian Redban:Men's assholes. Where poop comes out of. And then it's in where a baby comes out of. A vagina. And it came inside of it to the point to where a baby will come out of the shit-stained vagina. Amazing to think that one day little baby Nami will come out of the shit slide vagina. It's like, it's really Tony's internal monologue, I think, at all times. We've had so much fun with James. The Black Israelite is out on YouTube. Dave Landau's book, Party of One, is out now. I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with only one man can do it. The Hall of Famer, who has more appearances than anybody ever in the history of the show.

1:55:14Brian Redban:Some people call him the Nicked Nuisance, the Prince of Prize Picks, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody.

1:55:41Quick survey. Who here has not seen the remake of The Longest Yard with Adam Sandler? Okay, spoiler alert. He rapes a lot of inmates. It's graphic. The sun has gone bad. I repeat, the sun has gone bad. That is the guy who's never seen black people.

1:56:04If anybody ever hacked or figured out my social security number, I would be screwed because they would know my password to literally everything. In high school, Red Band was so racist, he got voted most likely to secede. Yeah, from the union. During school photos, they'd be like, Red Band, you can't wear that hood. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Wow.

1:56:33Brian Redban:Very interesting set. Accusing Red Band of racism when he was younger, That's an odd, different maneuver. We've never seen this before. It makes sense. I had never seen his yearbook picture before. I actually got his yearbook from his mom. His mom sent me a bunch of shit in the mail. We're pen pals. Does his mom send you a lot of things? Yeah, I mean, all kinds of stuff. But yeah, she did send me his old yearbooks. Because normally it's most likely to succeed. Right. Yeah, they said succeed. And he's wearing his fucking Stars and Bars shirt. It was really weird. I get it. He's in Ohio or whatever.

1:57:11But yeah, it seemed pretty racist. Wow.

1:57:15Brian Redban:William, are you ever racist? What do you think about other people? No. Oh, my gosh. I try to take people as they are, Tony. I try to... I'll be honest, though. Somebody I can be racist against is other redheaded people. Every now and again, I generally like to be the only redheaded person. You starting this up again? You start some shit with me once again. I mean, Tony's asking me what I feel racist against. I do feel racist against other redheaded people. I love you, Jay. We've got to stick together. We've got to do something for the community. Yeah, but I want to be the only one when I'm in a room.

1:57:50I want to be the only redheaded fucking person when I'm in a room. You don't feel that way? I don't care about it. That's weird. Is it? That's weird, yeah. We don't get any special powers or strengths. There's no redheaded advocacy group out there trying to get us an Oscar? Sounds like William. We require more anesthesia. That seems like a superpower to me, James.

1:58:12Brian Redban:Is that true? Have you known that you had to use anesthesia? Only the women. It's a fun... It's only the women. What? Redheaded women need more anesthesia. They don't really understand why. It's not fun, and it's not funny, so I didn't really want to talk about it. But that happens to be a fact. It's like Mexicans not getting knocked out, or, you know, black guys doing a marathon. That's true. There are certain anomalies with different skins and colours and blood types. I will say I once was under anaesthetic for my adult circumcision, and it was the best day of my life. How old were you during this circumcision?

1:58:58Brian Redban:I was 30. You were 30 years old? Three zero? Yeah. Okay, what happened there? Tell us about this. Have you ever had the rope on a hoodie tied too tight? Yeah. Anyway, we had something like that sort of develop over the years. The doctors assured me it was not too much masturbating, but I have to think it was too much. How many days did it take to heal? The circumcision? Yes. Ages. Man, I had to wear a condom in public. Really? as a leathery exterior developed on the head of my hitherto unexposed penis. I like to lose the whole room right at the end of the show. That's what I'm all about doing.

1:59:43We've done so well up to this point. Tony, I have a condom on my penis right now. You do? Red-headed people do that. Red-headed people walk around and condoms on their penis. Yeah!

1:59:54Brian Redban:Wow, what kind of condom is it? Ultra ribbed. Wow. Wow. That's all I could get at the gas station tonight. What was the age of your circumcision? Huh? Circumcised at birth or 30? At birth. Oh, very good. William, you got ultra-ribbed condoms at the gas station? Yeah, there's literally one on my dick right now. Wow. I kind of don't give a fuck anymore, dude. Jackson, Amy would suck it right off if he just stuck it through that curtain right now. I'm sure he would. Yeah, I can't believe you got a girl pregnant. What a stupid bitch to let that cake out. Get her fucking ass pregnant. That seems stupid.

2:00:37What do you think he should name the AIDS baby?

2:00:45Isn't it solid? Maybe Dan. Dan could be a good name.

2:00:55Brian Redban:William, what else did you get from the gas station? Oh, shit, Tony. I mean, the peanut butter Snickers, you know, I am eating those things nonstop. I'm drinking Yoo-Hoo's. Yoo-Hoo's? My A1C's still fucked up, Tony. Your what? My A1C's still fucked up. I'm not doing good. Your what is fucked up? A1C. What is that? It's something in my blood. The numbers are messed up still. Nothing I'm doing is working, Tony. Are you going to a normal doctor? It's a Chinese medicine place. They're the only people that take my insurance. He has this weird-ass fucking Chinese medicine place. Why are you going to a Chinese medicine place?

2:01:42Brian Redban:It's the only place that takes my insurance. And they jerk you off. You get bad news and a happy ending at the same time. What do they say your A1C is? You have too much hemoglobin or whatever? Yes. Thank you, Red Band. Our senior medical correspondent, Brian Red Band. It's a glucose issue. What did you just call it, Red Band? I was just thinking that was like the stupidest way you could have messed that up. Hemoglobin. It's like, God, am I having a stroke right now? Am I fucking dying right now? Listening to this idiot person? I'm going to double red with you right now. Hemoglobin. Our senior medical correspondent.

2:02:28Brian Redban:Hemoglobin. Hemoglobin. It's funny because he looked it up and everything. It's just right there. It's written in big letters. You were so close. If only you could read. Hobgoblin. The Hobgoblin. It's Spider-Man's arch nemesis, the hemoglobin. Hemoglobin A1C. Wow. What else did you get from the gas station, William? I got some Twizzlers, Tony! What else, William? We got some Gatorade! What flavor Gatorade did you get? Lemon ice. No, that's a fake name. I just get scared. When you put me on the spot like this, I get scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. That's what happens. That's why it's a hit part of the show, William.

2:03:21Brian Redban:It ain't easy. it ain't easy improvising every week. What else did you get from the gas station? Don't look at James. Cheap sunglasses, Tony! Okay, I'm sweating now, Tony. It's not. It's okay. Seriously. You got sunglasses? Were they like the athletic kind or normal? Or like what kind of sunglasses? Like D-Madnesses? John Dees, perhaps? were they like matte mule-lings? It looks like D. Mannis' glasses are made out of this material that is zapping the bugs. It looks like his glasses can zap the bugs. D. Mannis, it looks just like it. What else did you get from the gas station, William?

2:04:10Um... Lotto tickets, Tony!

2:04:18But it's so nice to be here, Tony.

2:04:23Brian Redban:William, we love you so much. You are the best. He's done it again. Thank you to Nickton Prize Picks. How about one more time for the great James McCann, everybody? Go to his YouTube, James Donald Forbes McCann, and watch the new special Black Israelite on YouTube. Anything else you want to say, James? I got a new singlet on Spotify. I got a new book of poems coming out. I'm doing five things badly. Wow. Incredible, James McCann. We love you. Make some noise for Dave Landau, everybody. His book, Party of One, available now on Amazon. He's on tour, DaveLandau.com. It's all happening. Thank you, Dave.

2:05:07Anything else? That's it. Thank you for having me. Check out my show, Normal World. Other than that, thank you all.

2:05:12Brian Redban:DaveLandau.com. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. It's a perfect drawing of James and Dave. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's Timmy No Breaks, everybody. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Red band? Check out my fake band, Cat Bread 7, on Spotify, iTunes, and YouTube. We love you guys. Tickets are on sale now for the Moody Center, New Year's Eve. Everybody says they can't get tickets to a Kill Tony. now is everyone's official chance. One of the largest tapings of the show we've ever done and the largest ever in Austin, Texas, only on New Year's Eve this year.

2:05:52Brian Redban:We love you guys. We'll see you there. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

2:06:32The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:07:15Thank you.