#738 - JIMMY CARR + ANDREW SANTINO

21:26Brian Redban:Oh, my God. This is how it all ends, everybody. Man, man stabbed with Zac Brown's knife. Kill Tony, Zac Brown. We're all getting canceled at the same time. Joe Rogan's insurance is like, oh, hell, shit. Oh, my God. Wow.

21:52Brian Redban:Unbelievable.

21:56Brian Redban:That is a fucking knife. That is a powerful knife. This is great. You can add hairdressing to your resume. It's incredible. I was trying to follow in your footsteps, Dad. It's incredible. Beautiful. This is very healthy hair as well. Why is it still in your hand? Well, I realize if I put it down, it will go away. It's so disgusting. Get that away from us. Please hand it to him. No, no, no, no, no. It's for the cancer cancer. It's almost October. What do you guys want? What do you want? Here, you hold it. I want to trade this in. Give it to that guy. You want a what? I want to trade this in. What the fuck are we going to do with that?

22:37Brian Redban:You psycho. You spent too much time staring at the stars. You keep your little joke book. All right. Keep your little joke book, and you've moved up to a medium joke book. There you go. Bill. And the show has begun with Marvin Issey. Fucking something disgusting to me about that haircut. Get out of here Marvin. Go. Jesus. Fucking just one more thing. I wanted to take the ponytail that I've cut off and... Oh my god. Ladies and gentlemen. Nothing makes me forget about disgusting piles of hair. Better than the beautiful Heidi is here ladies and gentlemen. HeidiRegina.com her new website. She has a new podcast with the great Valerie.

23:25Brian Redban:There's dandruff all over this table. Very good. Red Band's been waiting 30 seconds to get the big dandruff line in there everyone. If you look back at the video he's waiting he's got the mic up to his mouth to say there's dandruff on the table. Polite? That is a compliment. It's not dandruff. It's actual hair. There is small pieces of hair. You guys ready for your next bucket pull? You get it? Ladies and gentlemen doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds it's Justin Tamayo everybody. Justin Tamayo.

24:01So my buddy just came back from his honeymoon trip in the Virgin Islands and when he was out there the tour guide on the boat he said if you look just right out there you can see Epstein's Island. What the fuck? He looked over his wife. What the fuck? He said yeah if you go on the beach you grab a seashell you can hear a kid cry

24:34yeah it's fucked up y 'all laughed at that but that's yeah um sorry you got any single people here yeah fuck yeah I'm doing that online dating or what I call I keep getting tricked by fat girls

24:54the worst kind of fat girl on there is the pregnant ones because no that is not the threesome i want to have

25:04Brian Redban:all right i'm justin tamayo thank you guys justin tamayo everybody welcome justin is this your first time on the show absolutely man i love it how long you been doing stand-up uh about two and a half and some change. Where at? Just local, Austin, Anderson Mill Pub. Gotta love that. Open mic. You can get on there. It's hard as shit. Wow. Amazing. I have a feeling it would be so difficult for me to get a chance to perform at the Anderson Pub. Hard as shit. It is so hard to do. Andrew Santino. I love your disdain for fat girls. I think that's great. I really enjoy that belittling of women. I like that, dude.

25:41That's good. Especially because you're in such good shape. I like that you're like Fuck these fat girls, man. That's cool. Yeah. Fuck them, dude. Right on. Good for you, dude. Rock and roll. How often are you getting tricked by fat girls? How often does this happen? It happens a lot, and I'm sure every guy here can attest to it. What's the trick that they're doing? No one. How do they trick you? What are they doing? Are they using filters on their pictures? Well, it's the angles, man. It's the angles, the hair. they put the hair and they got the they prompt the titties up there and it's just every guy's like yes swipe and then they're like they see him so you end up out on dates with these people no nope and then what do you what how does it go do you end up finishing anyway because you're already committed you no i mean what do you do fake a stomach ache and go home early that's good that's good actually um no so what i started doing was meeting him at wendy's and I do...

26:43Is that true? It is. I do a little drive-by. Oh, man, this happens a lot. It did. Are you sure you don't want anything? No, I mean, the worst thing, they get a Frosty out of it and everybody's happy, right? Okay, but seriously, though, what's the limit? Like, when do you decide, Jimmy Carr, you want to jump in on this? Well, I mean, the fat-shaming thing, I mean, if you're... Come on, lighten up.

27:11And do you not like a larger lady? There's more cushion for the pushing. That's something. Honestly, I have an air mattress topper, and if they're bigger than me, we just fall in there like a black hole. Oh, this is an insecurity thing, is what this is. No, I just want to be able to fuck, honestly. Oh, okay. I can't fuck when I'm in a black hole. Maybe stop wearing shorts. You're a grown man. Okay. It's hot out here. Solid advice, I would say. Solving for comfort, I see. I like the Epstein Island thing, you know. Thank you. It was good. It was good. How did you break your nose when you were younger?

27:51Fuck. I'm going to guess it was a fat girl.

27:55Brian Redban:Yeah. And I'm going to guess that there's been a lot of fat girls at Wendy's that go to their friends afterwards and go, yeah, this fucking guy had a real crooked nose. It was weird. It was like staring at his face. It looked good in the pictures because of the angles. But then when we were at Wendy's eating our Baconators together with Red Band across the restaurant from him, I couldn't help but to notice that his nose was crooked as all shit. It was all I could pay attention to and think of. It was a basketball accident or something. I got to tell you, it's the worst time to figure out you got a crooked nose right now.

28:26Brian Redban:Right now? You've never been told this before? Never. Oh, my God. You've never been photographed before? Yeah. It must be the angle of your mirror, man. Wait until he hears what happened to his mustache. Fuck. Fuck. What do you do for work, Justin? This is, um, I'm a pool guy. Okay. Clean pools. Clean pools. All right. Fat girls, huh? Yeah. Catch some whales in that net. With your little shark fin nose. Fuck, man. Yeah, dude. It's crooked as a motherfucker, dude. How, just, can I ask, so you're on the online dating apps, I'm not really an aficionado of such things, but how do you describe your body type?

29:14I'm finding out right now, probably wrong, and I should have put in the crooked nose part now. Well, the crooked nose is the least of your worries. Is it? Fuck! Oh, my... I'm talking more about the, um, what are you, like a B-cup, right? Yeah. I think he has them pushed up a little bit tonight. What do you have in your bio on your dating app? Honestly, I don't online date anymore. Oh, wow. That was an old joke. Oh, okay. I've been cooking it. I've been loving getting roasted by you guys for it, so it's great. I love it. Oh, you'll be all right. I'll be good, yeah. We love you. We still love you.

29:52Do you do any pool material? There's got to be a wealth of stories you've acquired cleaning pools, right? Yeah, I mean, there isn't, like, I've been, How I've been diving into where I write my jokes has been piece by piece, and I haven't kind of got there yet, honestly. Can I ask a question? Yes, absolutely. Just on behalf of everyone, is there really a chemical that turns a different color if you pee in the pool? Yeah. No, no. That doesn't exist? That's, no. Because sometimes I pee in the pool, and that's not really an issue, but sometimes I pee into the pool. That's the problem. Or get upset with that.

30:27Right, of course. There's the splashback. There's no chemical. So unless they catch you, dick in hand. Right, absolutely.

30:34Brian Redban:I have a pool question. I heard when you smell chlorine, I always thought, wow, they just changed the water or whatever. I heard that's the actual smell of pee in the pool. No. When you smell it, that's the dead... I could have answered that one. The dead pee. Well, the dead chlorine, that's made kills. Right, so that's right. I get it. I mean, if you're just peeing in your pool, that's all you got, then yeah. No, no. Smell of dead chlorine, that means it killed a pee. No, no, no. That's not what that means. I know. If I put chlorine if you put chlorine in the pool it smells like chlorine. Doesn't mean someone pissed.

31:09Brian Redban:Chlorine smells like chlorine. That's what I thought of. Piss smells like piss. I heard it. Somebody told me. I think you should write some pool shit. Science everybody. We got fucking Anthony Fauci over here trying to trying to fudge the numbers. Our studies show that our studies show that if you smell chlorine it's actually piss. By our own research done by the pharmaceutical companies themselves. Alright. Justin, what's the craziest thing you've ever found cleaning a pool? I found two baby deers. Wow, thank God you said deers. Because I just thought you were going to end with two babies. It was going to be the same thing.

31:46You just... Okay. How big were the deers? Was this around Christmas time, was it perhaps? Well, no, it was just after a gnarly rainstorm, so the pool got super high and they couldn't tell when it was nighttime. They just walked in there. the pool got high right yeah it's got super like the pool went above the water level of the water yeah well no the water level kind of just went level and they couldn't tell it went level right you know like a pool right so okay

32:18Brian Redban:trying to realize red man's trying to prove to me that the smell of chlorine is actually he's asking ai and showing me but the question he asked is smell of chlorine is actually pee When you ask it a certain way, it's going to be like, well, yes. Read it. The sharp pool smell is not pure chlorine, but rather chloramines, a product created when chlorine reacts with the nitrogen-containing substances found in urine, sweat, and other bodily fluids. High levels of these... Get your cigarette away from me. High levels of these chloramines indicate that there's a significant amount of bodily waste in the pool and that the chlorine is being used up fighting these contaminants rather than killing harmful bacteria.

32:53Brian Redban:Wait, what does it say at the bottom there? No fat chicks. Who wrote this? It is amazing. There's also a Postmates order that's halfway filled. His shopping cart is filled. Justin Tamayo, congratulations. You're leaving here also with a medium joke book. Congratulations. There he goes, Justin Tamayo, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jesse Vasquez, everyone. Jesse Vasquez.

33:26Hello, everybody. what's going on all right what killed tony hi all right ar-15 bulletproof vest pistol and bullets what do we call those school supplies all right all right all right thank you thank you all right speaking of shootings we lost charlie clark recently i never met the guy but i hear he's a real pain in the neck oh i'm sorry guys i'm sorry i figure if i bomb hard enough trump will tweet about it all right all right all right i get told i look like i'm gonna kill somebody a lot. I feel like I'm probably the reason women like serial killer documentaries. Oh, I'm nervous as fuck, guys.

34:04Appreciate it. All right, all right, all right. I already said that. All right. How do you come on a senator? You filibust a nut on her. No? All right, all right. I'm thinking of having a knot-tying seminar for suicide survivors. Second time's a charm, right? No? Too dark. All right, guys. All right, last thing real quick. Most girls don't know.

34:31Brian Redban:They're stopping you there, Jesse. I'm going to jump in, too. Yeah, that's enough. Hi, Jesse. Have you ever done stand-up before? Yes, I have. I'm nervous as fuck, Tony. Okay. Why? Why are you extra nervous right now? I'm going to kill Tony. Right? I've performed in front of maybe about 15 people is the most so far. Okay, how many times have you attempted stand-up comedy? You memorize none of your jokes. You're not even good at reading your jokes off of the paper that you prepared. Like, literally anybody could do what you just did. Yes, they can. Especially making fun of Charlie Clark. Everybody, the most famous guy in the world right now.

35:06You got his name 50 % correct. Did I fuck it up? My bad. Yeah, you fucked it all up, buddy. Yes, sir. You fucked it all up. So, again, how many times have you attempted stand-up comedy? I've been in Austin for about two months. I'd say maybe twice a week so far. Twice a week. Yeah. Okay. Yes, sir. How's it been going? Do you always read right off the paper like that? No, I don't. I wrote it down. I knew I was in a blank as soon as I got up here, man.

35:31Brian Redban:What do you do? Take a guess. I bet you get it on the first shot. I bet I don't. I do delivery drivers. I do a delivery. I'm a delivery. I do DoorDash. Okay. I do security at ACL next month. How old are you? 36. And why is it that you're just delivering things? Have you not got delivered anything? Prison. Okay, let's talk about it. Why'd you go to prison? Now I'll engage. Yeah. Finally. Yeah, obviously I went to prison. I'm pretty sure I can tell. This is what you're good at talking about. Look how different his body language is. Okay, here we go. All right, starts moving. The nervousness is gone.

36:07Brian Redban:I feel like this is your thing. You're the prison guy. Tell us about it. I'll take it. Yeah, well, first time I went to prison, a year and a half for weed. Okay. Uh, it's about 100 pounds of weed, and then, uh, the second... 100 pounds of weed? Stop you there. 100 pounds of weed? That's a me's worth of weed. That's just one time. It's at 33 pounds and another time with 40 pounds. Oh, my goodness. You got... 33 and 40, and that's 100. No, no, no, no. Three separate times. 100, 33. You have more extra pounds than Justin Tamayo's dates. And then the second time I got caught, well, it was a conspiracy.

36:49It was 57 illegals were being transported. Keep going. Go ahead. I rented the guy the U-Haul that took a bunch of illegals somewhere. You ran into the guy. Rented. You rented the guy the U-Haul. I heard that U-Haul had that business. Yes. Don't they rent the U-Hauls? I rented it for him. You rented it for him? Through U-Haul. Okay. And then he went and got caught with 30 people in the back. It sounds very much like you were the guy. Yeah, it really does.

37:23Brian Redban:I don't want to give you a hard time. I got receipts. So how much did the guy pay you to rent the car for them to run this extremely illegal operation? How much money did you have? $1 ,500. $1 ,500. And how long did you do in jail? Three and a half years. Wow. Hey,$1 ,500 worth it. It's like an iPhone. Yeah. Three and a half years. And those are the two times? Those are the only two times you've been to jail? To prison. I've been to jail lots of times. Tell us about some of the times you've been to jail. Got caught with smaller amounts of marijuana. That's pretty much it. A lot of weed tickets.

38:10At any point when you were in jail, was marijuana legalized in America? No. That must be an annoying day. I'd be very upset. But there was plenty of marijuana in the jail, so that helps. Was it all in Texas, all these things? Yes, sir. Okay. Jesse, do you know what a fall guy is? Me. Yeah.

38:26Brian Redban:See how he knows the terminology? He knows only prison shit. When you look at your face, I could tell the guys were like, Jesse's gonna take the hit for sure. Oh, yeah. Like, this guy definitely gets busted. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Jesse, tell us, what was it like in prison? Tell us some of the tricks that you would do to pass the time or survive. Would you make a little, like, quesadilla out of Doritos and, like, crumbled up crumb cakes or something? It's funny that you say that, Tony. It happens a lot in there. I actually would just buy, like, I had my own store. Just buy shit and resell it with stamps.

39:02Stamps is money in prison, guys. Dollar stamps. Oh, okay. Good. Yeah, so you walk around with a fat stack of stamps. I'm going to shove a bunch of stamps up my ass if I ever get sent to prison. Yeah. Stampos.com. I got to say something. I said this to the other guy, too. Your material should be about prison. Yeah. I mean, that's such a wealth of... Like, it's not relatable, but it's fun to hear. It'll be funny, yeah. Yeah. I want to know, like, were you a bitch? Were you a guard? No. He was a bitch. Well, I know. I got kind of lucky that I'm not... He was a good looking guy? Huh? Keep going. Keep going.

39:38Keep answering your question. Go ahead. I feel like I just look scary. I get told, I'm serious about that. People come up to me and tell me I look like I want to kill people, but why would you go say that to somebody? Yeah. No, it's true. It kind of makes you want to kill somebody, doesn't it? Exactly. Thank you. But you would never, people that have been to prison multiple times never do anything like that. Never, never. But yeah, you do have the eyes of the last person someone sees without a doubt.

40:03Brian Redban:the trunk opens for just a moment you see those eyes and then it's just darkness he's got a tattoo that says please stop don't i feel like you uh look at me you don't know if i'm gonna fuck you or i'm gonna kill you either way i'm coming yeah okay very good see there's a good one all right there you go jesse i feel like it's a it's definitely both and it's what order oh yeah well i personally i hope he kills me first the other part of that is he does whatever he's gonna I think we're all in agreement. You should write a set about being in prison. Yes, sir. That's the interesting thing about being in prison.

40:36No doubt about it. I will. The edgy jokes. You've got to be so fucking good at comedy before you take on material that's that heavy. Yes, sir. Don't do it until you're ready to do it. The squeeze has to be... The juice has to be worth the squeeze, right? Got it. You've got nothing there. Leave that stuff alone. Just talk about you, first person. Yeah. Hell yeah. No doubt about it. Let me ask you this. Did anyone ever try to rape you in prison? No, no. With any close calls? No, no. Okay, so did you just use your imagination and, like, masturbate? They're like, what did you do? Oh, they got plenty of, uh...

41:09So, there's guys in there, okay, I met...

41:11Brian Redban:Just jerking off to a stamp George Washington, just like, oh, yeah. So, yeah. More like Babraham Lincoln, am I right? This dude's hot. It's kind of neat because... So, there's people that have been in there for a long time. I met a guy that went into prison the month I was born. and uh just saying that because you're right man come on hey hey this is great he go to me he's dad yeah there's a lot of vintage porn in the prisons because they don't allow porn anymore but they used to so there's a lot of like 80s and 90s like you know magazines and shit like that so you get a little blast from the past you know hell yeah yeah not the first time you've seen 100 pounds of bush.

41:54Were you bummed? Were you bummed that you never got picked? I never got picked? I got picked on Kill Tony. No, you bummed that no one in prison wanted you. Were you bummed? It's like everybody wants to. You don't want to be picked last. I'll take what I can get. Alright. Well, good news. What you're getting is the size of a stamp.

42:16Brian Redban:It's a little joke, but there you go, buddy. If you only caught books as well as you catch charges. Yes. There he goes. Jesse Vasquez, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. We're having fun. Some very compelling interviews by these bucket pools. Not a big joke book yet. But great interviews. Make some noise for your next one. It's Paul Ramirez, everybody. Bucket pool number four.

42:48So I just got told I look like a Pokemon trainer with a fentanyl addiction. Oh, yeah, dude, I suck the Pikachu's from dick, you know? All right, that sucked. Oh, yeah, I just graduated high school about a year ago today, and I found out on the news that my old high school teacher, he got arrested for training A's in exchange for sex, which wasn't news to me because I was a straight-A student back in high school. He taught me a valuable lesson, though. One lesson he taught me was that sometimes in life you gotta give head to get ahead, you know?

43:21High school was weird for me. I went to high school during the era of school shootings, you know? And my school came up with a program to prevent school shootings. My school came up with a program where we'd be nice to the kid who we thought was most likely to shoot up the school, you know? Which benefited me, because it made me Mr. Popular back in high school.

43:43I don't know why I was gonna shoot up to school. I was too busy sucking my teacher off, you know?

43:50Brian Redban:Thank you. Paul Ramirez with his Kill Tony debut. How old are you, Paul? Scared. What? Scared. How old are you, Paul? Oh, my bad. 22. What did you think I said? How are you? Oh, I love it. Okay, and you were in high school until you were 21? Why? How? How did this happen, Paul? I don't know. I'm gay. All right, all right. Okay, what did that have to do with it? I don't know, man. Okay. I ran out of things to say. It's okay, Paul. Just think of the real answers. You don't have to, like, have a joke prepared for everything. I'm trying too hard. Don't do that. Just answer honestly, Paul. You're doing good, buddy.

44:39Brian Redban:Don't worry. You're panicking. I am. It's okay. Paul, close your eyes, Paul. Yeah. No, keep your eyes closed. Close your eyes, Paul. Close your eyes. It's okay. Trust us. Remember who you are. Know who you are. You're Paul. You came here tonight with some pretty good jokes. They did pretty good, huh, Paul? Do you feel good? Yeah. Now open your eyes. Here we are, Paul. Welcome to Kill Tony. Yeah. Paul. Ramirez. Where are you from, Paul? El Paso. Okay. How long have you been in Austin? Two days. I love it. How long are you staying for? I leave tomorrow. Okay. And what else are your plans in Austin, or what have you done since being here?

45:21I drank a bunch of beer at the hotel room. Okay. Today? Is that today? Yeah. All right. How many beers did you have? Like four. Oh, my goodness. Four beers. Yeah. Did you have any drinks at the bar next door? No, it's too expensive. Okay. It's like 20 bucks for two drinks. Well, where did you get the four beers at your hotel room? Oh, Circle K. Okay. How many beers did you buy? Four? I bought a 12-pack, but I split it between my friends. Okay. You're staying in a hotel with friends. Yeah. How many guys are in this hotel room? Oh, dude, like three and one girl. Wow. Amazing. Two beds? Yeah, I sleep on the floor.

46:02Okay. Wow. Kind of odd to be a gay guy that sleeps on a floor with a bunch of dudes. Yeah, man. It's fucking sick. I creep up on them at night. Hell, yeah. All right. That poor girl. Yeah, exactly. Nah, she just watches. All right. Paul, what do you... Like I said, that poor girl. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What do you do for work in El Paso? Landscaping. I'm a spick. Wow. All right. Paul, close your eyes again, dude. Good God. Take it easy, Paul. Yeah. Oh, my God. Wild boy, Paul. Bad boy, Paul. How long have you been in stand-up? I hit four years yesterday. Wow, so you really did start when you were 18.

46:47Yeah. Okay, and you're just still doing the high school joke because that's the one you're using. Yeah, it's my best shit. Yeah, okay. Everything else is shit. Yeah. I'm going to get... It is good. That joke is good. You like it? Good. I think it was a good little run of joke. I'm being genuine. It was a great little... Fuck yeah, man. You had a good... It was really good. It all tied together. It was very good. Thank you, man. I like your shit, too. Thank you. No. This guy's the fucking man. Yeah, I was going to say. I love this guy. I fucking love you, Paul. I think you're funnier than your material is.

47:18You seem naturally funny when you don't try to just immediately go like, oh, I'm gay. Yeah, I got scared. My bad. It's okay. It's all right. You're comfortable now. Take your hands out of your pockets. Relax a little bit. Paul.

47:34What's your family like? You have a big family? My mom's fat. Wow. Why do you think your mom's fat? We got a bucket pull for her. I'm sorry? Why do you think your mom's so fat? I saw her. Right, but what do you think she's doing to be fat? Yeah.

47:56Brian Redban:Did you... Not exactly the answer I was looking for, by the way. I bet. I was asking something she eats or something like that. Jimmy Carr, go ahead. Did your fat mom ever fuck the pool guy? No, we don't have a pool, just dirt. I live in El Paso. That's true. No pools in El Paso. No, there's pools in El Paso. We just don't got one. We got grass, yeah? You seem terrific. I love you, man. Yeah. You seem just kind of terrific, but I think that thing about going... So you're a gay guy, very straight acting, right? I'm not straight. No, no, but you're straight acting. That would suck, my bad. So that thing of light going When did you come out?

48:42When did you come out? 2003 Oh, as gay

48:51Brian Redban:He answers questions in such an odd way What did you eat for breakfast? Well, I've eaten everything for breakfast That I've ever tried for every breakfast Yeah, but it was literal He said, when did you come out as gay? He said, 2003 in three. When he was born into the world. That's the last vagina he was in. That's right. Never again, he said. Never again. Yuck! Are you really gay? Is this a bit? Nah, dude. I just say that when I'm nervous. Okay. Jesus. I hope this guy never goes to prison.

49:32I was just nervous.

49:36Wow Unbelievable I think there's something of the Belushi's about his eyes There's something about your eyes that's very Belushi And I mean that in a, you're kind of adorable Thank you Kind of adorable, right? He's very likable Yeah, I like him No doubt about it, 22 Still doing jokes about how he was in high school a year ago It's incredible I'm gay

49:59Brian Redban:There you go Catchphrase, ladies and gentlemen. It's never going to get old. Yeah. I like that. Sweet. Put it on merch. You have merch that says I'm gay? No, I have merch about my mom's cock. Your mom has a cock? I hope so. Okie dokie. Again, some people, bad minutes, good interviews. Some people, good minutes, bad interviews. The good news is you're the first person leaving with a big joke book. Yeah! There he goes, Paul Ramirez. Wow. Amazing. Let's get through another one here. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, who seems to be the first non-Latino of the night. Four in a row. These people.

50:45Brian Redban:Thank you, Joe Biden, for letting these people in. All right. Make some noise for your first non-Latino bucket poll of the night. Chris Rees, everybody. Chris Rees. Oh, he might be Latino, too. Chris Rees, everyone. I hate to disappoint you guys, but I am half Mexican.

51:11I just got born with that white skin, thank God. Staying in this country.

51:21I've been going through a rough patch sexually, sir. So your relationship pisses me off. I have. I've been going through a rough patch, actually. So naturally, I have to get really good at masturbating. Yeah? You good at masturbating? Asian man, are you good at masturbating? How do you masturbate? Just two chopsticks on the shaft, up and down? No, I'm really good. I got a really good method for masturbating. I go on my phone, and I text all my contacts. I'm gonna kill myself, shove it up my ass, and ignore the calls while I jerk off. yeah fuck yeah my mom's frantically calling and i'm ignoring her

52:08there you go okay chris reese

52:14honestly after seeing that i'm really surprised people are trying to stop you from killing yourself yeah the crowd work on the asian man and then straight into a vibrating phone up your ass. Welcome back, Chris. It's been a while. Yes, sir. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up now? Eight years. Eight years. And what do you do for work again? I've been recently, I've been, I build circuit boards. Okay. Yeah, this guy's my manager. Right. That guy's not even Asian. Yeah. You're not Asian? I'm half Asian. Yeah, okay then, I'm right.

52:50Brian Redban:Not good enough. Yeah. Not good enough? I don't know if you've seen Bobby Lee, but he's used to, Asian is all fuck all. So, you're not registering his 50%. He's used to fucking... I like full, dude. I build circuit boards. Okay. What do you do for fun? What do I do for fun? Mainly, I just watch a lot of horror movies when I'm not doing stand-up. I do coloring books. Wow. Horror movies and coloring books. Amazing. Like spaghetti and meatballs. They go together. So, favorite coloring book, favorite horror movie? Favorite coloring book? Favorite horror movie? Yeah. Favorite horror movie? The Thing.

53:29The original? The 80s one. Yeah, that's the original. No. There's one from the 50s. Oh, shit. Whoa. Excellent. Okay. Don't come at me with that shit. I love it. I love it. And coloring book? It's a horror. It's called Dark Arts. Really detailed stuff. Like horror stuff. The original one. Wow. Wow. I just, on behalf of everyone that you went to high school with, thank you for not shooting the place.

53:58Brian Redban:Oh, yep. With insulin, am I right? Chris, how is your health? When's the last time you've seen a doctor? Last time I saw a doctor, I must have been 12. Wow, amazing. So I'm assuming it's fine.

54:16This rough patch that you're in dating-wise, what exactly do you mean? how is it in real life? Is it true? Dating, like, serious relationships, yes, I don't do that, but when it comes to, like, fucking women that look like me, yeah, I'm crushing it. Has there been a guy

54:37Brian Redban:that invites you to Wendy's and then drives off when he sees you? A guy that invites me to Wendy's and drives off? No, he's not there. Have you used that joke on stage, fucking women that look like me? Yeah, like once. Keep that in. Thank you. That's a very good joke. Thank you. With that hair and that face and those tits, it'll work every time. Oh, yeah. It's amazing. Chris, what's the most type of exercise type of thing that you do? The stairway up counts as an answer. The most exercise I do? Yeah. I walk to 7-Eleven. What do you get from 7-Eleven after you put in the hard work of walking there?

55:18Taquitos. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I walk him off going back home. Taquitos. No, no, you don't. No. No, you do not. You're right. I'm lying. I take an Uber back. Amazing. Can I cut your hair off? No, no, no. It's kind of my thing now. You want to give me a haircut during the show? Yeah, I cut some other guy's fucking hair off. Oh, really? You want to donate your shit to sick kids? Or are you going to be a bad guy? Do I want to donate my hair to sick kids? Of course not. Okay. I'm going to know which ones to stay away from.

55:54Brian Redban:He is a sick kid. He needs it. He's going to end up getting the Puerto Rican special hair. I think we should take it up again and circumcise him. Let's do it. You want your little taquito? No. I didn't understand his accent. I don't have an accent. This is how things sound when they're pronounced properly. Here he goes. You have any special skills or talents or anything like that other than stand-up comedy? You good at anything? I'm a real fuck. I'm really good at coloring books. Wow. I think we all are, except for D-Madness.

56:37No, I... Do they have, like, braille coloring? I guess it would be stupid, right? Because you're like, which one's fucking red? I am right. Okay, thank you. My oddest skill is I'm really good at guessing the twist in movies. So just really useless shit. What's a movie that really surprised you? What do you think the best twist in movie history is? Best twist in movie history? Yeah, you seem like a big fan of the Oompa Loompas being good guys or something. Oh, were they good guys? It's a movie called Severance that has a really good twist. None of you guys know it, but it's a really good twist.

57:18Watch it. Yeah, it's kind of like the original thing from the 50s. You're right. Cool. All right. What joke book did you get last time you were on, Chris? The big one. Well, there you go. Did you fill it up yet? No. There you go. Keep working, Chris.

57:33Brian Redban:Keep working. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those special moments that you're never gonna forget for as long as you live because you are at Kill Tony and I'm about to bring to the stage one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. We've dealt with nothing but Latino bucket pools all night and the neurotic Jew Jack Shaw. But everything is about to change as I bring up the absolute king of Europe, the Estonian assassin. This is R.E. Magic!

58:21So I just found out that in chess, you know chess? In chess, they have a separate league for women.

58:37Why? In basketball it makes sense. I'm gonna jump over you. In boxing I get it. I can just fucking... But in chess too, huh? So you're telling me it's official?

59:05you guys are stupid too huh

59:12don't worry honey cheeks i looked into it it has nothing to do with intelligence just that the rules are a bit different no difficult buttons no bishops no knights as a matter of fact women close your ears for a second Guys, they're just playing checkers.

59:41You know in the late 90s, Garry Kasparov, the greatest chess player of all time, lost to a computer. BING! Development in civilization history. With women it happened in 1973. three. You guys lost to a microwave.

1:00:02Brian Redban:That's my time. Thank you so much. Sorry, Matty, showing the difference between a regular and a bucket pool and a golden ticket winner. An absolute fucking, that's, that's hilarious. The last one was kind of stupid. I don't know why I said that. So funny. I just stopped at the checkers part. I think you had something that I would go to trans next. I would go to trans women in sports. I think you could be a chess champion. You're a wig away. Yes, you're a genius. A wig away. A wig away, a wig away, a wig. A wig away. All right. He's got it. Zac Brown's ready. I love it. So Ari, that was an amazing, amazing fucking amazing minute.

1:00:5212 seconds. What else is going on in life? It's good to see you back. You've been gone for a while. We have missed you tremendously. Yeah, thank you so much. I mean, I did some gigs. It was amazing. I did Philadelphia, Portland. I did Vancouver with you. I did Irvine Improv. Amazing. So much fun. People are actually coming out. It's great. Always one step ahead of ice. Always one step ahead of ice. Don't bring it up, Jimmy.

1:01:19What are your favorite cities that you've been to? What do you love about America? No, Portland was awesome, yeah. I love their homeless, you know. Yeah. They have, like, the cool, like, because here it's like they're on crack or some shit, you know, we got... Yeah. Yeah, ours are... In Portland, they got this guy, you know, this guy. Zombie. Yeah. Just so peaceful, dude. They still got fentanyl. It's like an interactive Walking Dead experience. But they're so peaceful. I put, like, an ashtray on one of them.

1:01:54They took the jobs of mimes. That's why you don't see mimes anymore. These motherfuckers are still.

1:02:05I love it. I love it. And how about Philly? What was Philly like for you? Philadelphia, yeah, there are animals there. It's great, yeah. Half of the room got thrown out during the show because they just keep fucking boozing and cruising. Yep. They are party people there. It was awesome, yeah. Yeah. A woman tried to fight me after the show. It was great. Ooh, what was she mad about? I didn't even get it. I hit her before I could find out. I'm an old school guy. Smack!

1:02:34Brian Redban:You are the man, Ari Matty. You are the man. You know, in Estonia, if you hit your wife, the cops show up and they go, well, what did you do?

1:02:49Brian Redban:And how was Los Angeles? You were in L.A. last week for a long week. Dude, I was on the road in California with Martin Phillips, too. Shit got... We got hit by an earthquake, dude. Wow. I love the road stories of you and Martin Phillips. I know, dude. Never been in an earthquake. I'm freaking the fuck out. I look over at Martin Phillips. He's standing perfectly still.

1:03:17He synced up.

1:03:22Turns out Martin isn't too shaky, the world is too still.

1:03:36The great Ari Matty. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. And he does the driving when you guys are on the road. Yeah, I don't have a driver's license, it's crazy. when we get pulled over we have david jolly sleeping in the back me on the passenger seat martin's philly martin is driving dude when the cops pull us over they don't know what the fuck is going on they just keep let us going but martin is the best to drive with because he can park fucking clunk clunk anywhere we don't give a fuck i love when he's looking for a parking spot i'm Like, Martin, look at you. Go in the mall. No one's going to say shit, Martin.

1:04:17Yeah, I did. I was going to... I was looking for a spot.

1:04:27Brian Redban:Holy shit. You know the impression's great because D-Madness just started freaking out when you did that. That was fucking amazing. he's the master judge at vocal impressions you got my ass sound like that motherfucker

1:04:50wow and you got to go to the old motherland the old homeland of ours the comedy store place in which we all are always we could just roll right back in there if we wanted to at any point just take it back over but we like it here in Austin just a reminder and then here you are thriving what was the comedy store like for you oh yeah it's so crazy dude it's such a historic place everyone's so nice there you got passed immediately right I don't think I'm passed no but I do get on stage there and I'm grateful for that too they just let you do spots everywhere they just haven't called it official yet yeah I mean to be on that wall that's a dream but I'll get to it when I get to it Absolutely.

1:05:33I'm working on it. A lot of immigrants want to make it on that wall. Yeah. And then fucking, whew, Cam Patterson on SNL. Hell, that's crazy. Yeah. Holy fuck.

1:05:44Brian Redban:It's happening. Although, so, you know he's not allowed to say the N-word, right? Like, they're going to beep the N-word. He's going to sound like a truck backing up. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. No doubt about it. no doubt about it. Cam's going to be on fucking weekend update, and it's just going to fucking... It's just going to... 74 seconds too late? Yeah, not a second too soon. By the way, same soundboard for 12 and a half years. He's just scanning. Oh, God. Where is it again? There's five pages of sound effects. 23. Number 23. All right. Ari, you're fucking unbelievable you came in and shook the room thank you thank you Kill Tony fans, you guys are the best Ari, Matty ladies and gentlemen the Estonian assassin has done it yet again and now back to the bucket we go somebody's gotta follow that make some noise for your next bucket poll ladies and gentlemen, it is Aaron West make some noise for Aaron everyone The opportunity of a lifetime to Aaron West.

1:07:06Brian Redban:Howdy, howdy. Hey, thanks. You know, maybe it's true what they say. Maybe Meemaws do know best. Today my Meemaw said, you're going out in that jacket? It looks like a giant hairless ball sack. Speaking of ball sacks, do you guys eat at Olive Garden often? Now, folks, the menu at Olive Garden says, take a tour of Italy. Wow. Who knew you could take a tour of Italy without ever leaving Beaumont, Texas? Now, folks, it's easy to know if your server at the Olive Garden is into incest when they say things like, when you're here, right here, your family. Hey, Olive Garden, how the fuck are you going to have unlimited soup and then a limited amount of bathroom stalls?

1:07:55Your honor, yes, I might have dropped a cannoli in the urinal. Not because I wanted to, but let's just say my tour of Italy took a little detour. You guys like Chewy's Tex-Mex? Well, guess what? They just got their asses bought out by Olive Garden, which means I'm gonna need to freshen up on my Spanish a little bit. Mi amigo, como se dice incest waiter?

1:08:23Brian Redban:All right. Aaron West pushing it to the limit with shitting your pants jokes. Hell yeah, Aaron. You've been on this show before, right? I have. Over at the Vulcan. Yeah, welcome back. Remind us all how long you've been doing stand-up. You can take the jacket off. You already did the ball sack joke. Make yourself at home. It's hot out there. Totally, totally worth it. I wore it all day waiting for that. Yeah, not worth it. Sitting outside. Keep going. Um, now I've been doing comedy, um, I haven't for eight years, but this is my third time performing in eight years. Wow. Quite the work ethic. Yeah.

1:09:01Taking a lot of time off. Yeah. This is, yeah, okay. Yeah. Jimmy. I kind of, I thought, um, terrible material. Nice. Yeah. Fucking incredible performance. Yeah. Your confidence, your thing, like, I don't know what you're good at, but there's something there and it's very special. I could something very special. I couldn't agree more. I mean it is unbelievable. You seem like I'm interested in what you have to say You're saying it in a kind of funny way, but again the writing absolutely unbelievable Howdy me ma all of garden tour of Italy shitting in a urinal and whatever the cheese thing was at the end with no Transition or segue you guys in that Chewy's Tex-Mex Huh anyone out of nowhere, but like again Do you try to write?

1:09:47Because Olive Garden Tour of Italy, it's kind of a thing. Yeah, I don't know. I guess I just write what I know, and I eat a whole lot of Olive Garden. That's the funniest shit you said about Olive Garden. That's very funny. Feels real. I don't know. I think you're a comedic actor. I think you've got a face. You've got a look. Just when you walked out, I felt like, okay, this guy knows what he's doing. I think you're very funny. Thanks. But I think it's like someone else's writing. I think you could bring it to life. I think you really got something. Maybe it's not stand-up. Maybe it's sketch. Maybe it's something else.

1:10:21But there's something very special about you. I really enjoyed it. Thanks. Yeah. You were great. I did bring it up last time. I don't know if it... But, yeah. No, I'm four and a half years sober. So, like, doing comedy sober, this is my third time ever doing it sober. So, it is, like, really shaky. I was back there, like, holding a water. But as opposed to the other... not to be overly serious about, but you seem so confident walking out. Thanks. You seem like just, you kind of own the stage. You've got great presence. But it's that thing of like, some people, maybe you need to work with some writers.

1:10:53Maybe you need to work with some other people. Cool. Just like, there's such a great community around Austin. There's such fucking funny people around here. Team up with someone. Write with someone. That's a great idea. No doubt about it. Definitely, whatever it takes to write differently than what you wrote tonight. Okay. What made you have to get sober four years ago? What was your problem? Cocaine and alcohol. Okay. Is that a good mix? He's done it? You and me both. What was the wildest night you ever had on cocaine and alcohol? Tell us what bottom was like for you. Well, I, yeah, I showed up.

1:11:27Well, no. Okay. I called out of work, and I wake up at 5 p.m., and I call my work. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I'd worked there for years. I'd never, you know, had any issue with attendance. And my boss goes, yeah, numbnuts, you already came in today. and had you clocked in, we would have fucking fired you, but you were on the line trying to cook something, and so we just told you to get lost. Yeah, I mean, I was a waiter. There's no fucking reason I should have been on the line in the first place. I'm like, back to it, like... Wow. Wow, the burger does look good. At the Olive Garden? No.

1:12:00I'm just a big fan. One day I'll work my way up. If they'll have me. Oh, wait a second. See, you were so fucked up that you went into work. This is a night shift. Oh, no, no. I'm like solely a morning restaurant worker. So it was breakfast. Yeah. Breakfast at the brewery I worked at. And so you exclusively waited tables at this brewery on an almost daily basis. And one day you went in so fucked up. So fucked up. You went and just started cooking random shit. Did they tell you what you were cooking? Do you remember what you were cooking? Do you remember any of it? I don't remember any. I mean, I literally woke up at 5.30 and was like, oh, my God.

1:12:37I was supposed to be there at 10.30. Jimmy Carr. Well, the genius of getting home, going, I better phone in sick, and then you'd already been to work. Yeah. How is that not your fucking stand-up? That's amazing. It's so true. People need to talk about their real lives, what they actually know. The honesty shines through. You can feel it. So what time of the day did you call in for that shift that they already basically told you to go home for? Like 5.30. PM. Yeah. Wow. Seven hours into my shift. Yeah. Fucking amazing. Did you call your drug dealer afterwards and go, that was excellent stuff. Yeah.

1:13:17Is there any feedback that you give them and go, look, honestly, that's some of the best? No, no. Well, I kept partying for a few years, and I didn't lose that job. I mean, I've actually never been fired from a job. I've walked out of a job. It was actually on 6th Street here. Yeah, tell us about that. You don't have to name the place if you don't want to, but just tell us. I don't really care for them. Yeah, okay. It rhymes with... It doesn't matter for the story. It's a place that makes bread. Okay, perfect. Just tell the fucking story. And yeah, so I just didn't enjoy working there. And mid-shift, they kept...

1:13:57Every time it would start raining... I didn't have this jacket at the time. When it would start raining, they would move me to the patio. And when it was nice weather, they would move me inside. And they kept doing this shit to me, so I wasn't making any money. and this is a place where you did side work until it was like done but we didn't close till 2 a.m and as restaurants work like hey more silver work comes out more silver work comes out so you're like doing all the side work doing all the shit and so mid-shift the uh manager was like hey uh we're gonna change your section i said yeah i know i quit and she was like what is that i got my section's gonna change because i i quit like i'm done and um yeah that was it i just i left mid-shift and i've never done that anywhere like i didn't feel great about it but i was like fresh out of rehab and didn't want to be fucked around with.

1:14:39Stand your ground. Good on you. I was once dealing with such a bad hangover one evening that I asked you to specifically tell that story. So, I mean, I think

1:14:47Brian Redban:I actually just hit bottom right now listening to you talk about finishing your side work. I was so excited to hear about the job that you walked out of. I thought it was going to be a big, cokey, alcohol-infused ending. But just, no, you just, we're done that day. Meemaw. I think what Tony's trying to say is you need a story with a dead hooker in it. Yeah. Read the room. You have a girlfriend, Aaron? I do. Okay. What does she do? She works at a homeopathic doctor's office. Adorable. Yeah. She's awesome. You have any special moves in the bedroom? Well, I don't get drunk anymore, so my dick works.

1:15:25Wow. You a morning sex guy or more of a nighttime guy? Mid-afternoon. Whoa. Okay. Post-lunch or pre-lunch? Guy, rockets in flight. Cup of coffee and then at lunch or whatever? Well, because I get up at 6.30. I still do the breakfast restaurant thing. So, like, I'm already ready to go. And then I have to wait on the work talking to these knuckleheads, and then I can have sex. Wow. My section changed. Okay. All right. What size joke book did you get last time? I got a large. Okay. Well, go fill it up. Thanks. Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron West. All right. Thanks.

1:16:06Brian Redban:On to the next one is the great Jay-Z once said. Make some noise for Mason Bird. Here we go. No rest for the wicked. It's Mason Bird, ladies and gentlemen. It's Mason Bird. I got on a live scooter the other day, and I drove like two or three feet in the bike stop, so I checked the app, and it was like, hey, just so you know, only one rider per scooter, please.

1:16:40Has anyone ever had to press a button to confirm they were an individual? I know the exact moment I needed to stop riding the bike. I drove by a black woman. She was like, oh, hell no.

1:17:00I went to Europe, and I saw the Mona Lisa, like the most famous painting of all time, and when I was there, this Korean couple walked up to me. They're like, hey, can you take a photo of us? And I was like, sure. And I thought, they want to take a photo like them in the Mona Lisa. But they want to take a photo with me. They're like, this guy's so fat, white, and American, we have to show our friends back at home, dude. I look like World War III propaganda.

1:17:29There's photos of me in North Korea. This is democracy. This is freedom. This is McDonald's. Wow.

1:17:39Brian Redban:An amazing set from Mason Bird. Holy shit. That was incredible. Thank you. Thank you. And you've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. Amazing. This had to be your best set ever. Thank you. You're working hard, right? Yes, sir. Working hard. Absolutely. And remind us, how long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Three years. How do you make money? I work at Jersey Mike's. Oh, yeah. There it is. Making it Mike's way. There it is. I'm Big Mike. I love it. I love it. What else have you been doing in life? What's different? What's changed? I've been going to the gym, hitting the sauna. Wow.

1:18:15What are you doing at the gym? Lifting weights and making attractive women uncomfortable. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Yeah. What are you doing to make them uncomfortable? Just existing? Yeah. Just the vibe. And what kind of workouts are you doing? What are you doing with these weights exactly? I like to bench. I like to squat. I like to deadlift. I like to get all the anger out. Amazing, yes. I'm not a doctor, but whatever you're doing in the gym, you're doing it wrong. Yes. He's doing breadlifting. What's your favorite machine in the gym? Is it vending?

1:18:53The Gatorades. I like the blue Gatorades. Hell yeah. Absolutely. My goodness. So what type of protein package are you using before going to the gym or after? I'll eat like a half a roast rotisserie chicken. I'll eat like a... Eat the other half after. It's like a reward. Have you talked to a doctor about this? Me and doctors don't see eye to eye on a lot of things.

1:19:26Brian Redban:Amazing, Mason. You're killing it. You're doing it, Mason. You done that line on stage? No. Write it down. That's a fucking great line. Thank you. Tell us more about the bird family. You're not built like a bird at all. No. Dad died, roasted the liver, drank himself to death. Real sad. Wow. But, you know, he was kind of a dick. Wow. Mom, still alive. She was addicted to drugs for a long time, but she cleaned up. What kind of drugs was she addicted to? Pills. Yeah. I worked at Ford Motor Company. I happened to saw all of them. Do you think that this family with its addiction issues, do you think anything has trickled down to you?

1:20:07Do you find yourself addicted to anything at all, possibly whatsoever? Is there anything you could think of that you might be addicted to, a way that you treat your feelings and emotions with something? Calories. We're addicted to calories. No, it's probably this or alcoholism. You drink too? No. I'm afraid to become like my father. There you go. Yeah, you don't want to die young. Well, we'll see. I got to beat 50, and the odds are close. Hell yeah. Have you thought about the new modern weight loss drugs or anything? Have you thought about this? Yeah, I think that's cheating. Like, if you have to take Ozempic to lose weight, you're a bitch, I think.

1:20:51That's right. If you just do it, you'll do it.

1:20:53Brian Redban:You hear that, you Ozempic people? If you add any balls, you'd eat a half a rotisserie chicken every day. You fucking pussies. You think it's easy, you cheaters. Go get a rotisserie chicken. You fucking losers. Back in my day, we didn't have a Zen pic. If you wanted to lose weight, you had to get AIDS.

1:21:16Have you considered going to a gay bar? Because something needs to change. They're all in prep now. It's kind of hard to get AIDS from them, you know? I tried. It's just... Are you gay, Mason? No. Oh, okay.

1:21:30Brian Redban:Shut up. Somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head. Someone was so upset that you weren't gay. Son of a bitch. Fuck that. I for sure thought he was gay, too. That guy just stabbed himself with a Heineken bottle. I'm like, oh. Mason, so what's your love life like exactly? What's going on over there? Are you picking them up at Jersey Mike's? No way. All right. I still do surprisingly well, but the love life in Austin has been pretty rough. I kill in the Midwest, though. Hell, yeah. In the Midwest, I'm hot. Yeah. Here, I'm just a fat guy. Yeah. In the Midwest, you're a medium. Yeah. So tell us about a fun time in the Midwest that you've had.

1:22:21How does it go down for mace and bird? Tell us how the bird flies. It's a flightless bird The last time I had sex I was like a chef at a bar and I had a knack for banging hot waitresses for some reason and just after work she just like she had a boyfriend and she just threw herself at me and I found out I wasn't a good dude that night I will cheat I will help your girlfriend cheat on you I found that out about myself. But no, she was really fun. Did you go on top or is she still alive? She's dead. Yeah, our safe word is... Wow. Masonburg. Three years of stand-up. How much time do you think you've accumulated?

1:23:18About 20 minutes. About 20 minutes. Yeah. And how fast are you writing? I mean, if you find yourself, your most recent stuff is definitely better than your past stuff. I can tell. Yeah, I try to write like five minutes a week and sometimes it's really ass. So I just get rid of it or try to make it better. But 20 minutes of good material. Yeah. Amazing, Mason. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. You do that at a desk. Where do you find yourself writing? What's your process? Desk. Desk and I'm usually just like eating chips and thinking. Desk. I have a recliner. I lean back and stare at the ceiling. Sturdy recliner.

1:23:57I guess, yeah, I just kind of turn everything off and figure it out. Amazing, Mason. I love your style. Thank you. You're incredible. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Mason Bird is going to be on The Secret Show.

1:24:11Brian Redban:How many times have you been on this show? Three. Three times. Yeah. And you're constantly getting better. It's absolutely incredible. It's amazing, Mason. I really love your style, and I think I want to see more of you. So I'm going to make you the newest golden ticket winner here. Everyone's getting famous and blowing up. You, my friend. You, my friend, have done it. That's it right there. A golden ticket for Mason Bird, everybody. Big bomb. We'll see you next minute soon, Mason. Congratulations. Wow. How fun. Let's keep this fun train moving along with another very special treat, everybody.

1:24:58Brian Redban:I mean, what can I say about this guy? Kill Tony, Hall of Famer, who, you know, we don't get to see a ton of anymore, but when we do, we do get to see a ton of him. One of the greatest roasters and comedians in the history of the show, here for a surprise poppin' Kill Tony legend, David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen.

1:25:27Yeah. I do a lot of white shit. I hunt. I fish. I swim.

1:25:40I change the batteries in my smoke detector. It's so weird to me that black people never hear those fucking smoke detectors. It's like it's fucking soothing to them. You know what I'm saying? I went to one of my friend's house the other day and his smoke detector was beeping. I'm like, nigga, you don't hear that shit? He's like, yeah, that means it's working. I'm like, what? I'm like, no, the fuck is not. No, but black people, we don't hear that shit. We don't change our fucking smoke detectors, bro. You ever heard the saying, if you want to hide something from a nigga, put it in a book? I didn't make it.

1:26:16I just repeated it. I don't think that's true. I think if you want to hide something from a nigga, you should put it in a smoke detector. Because we never check that shit. The fucking cure for diabetes is in the fucking smoke detector. All right, that's about time. Thank you.

1:26:32Brian Redban:Fuck yeah. Exactly one minute. Hilarious. Bro, that shit crazy as hell. Jimmy Carr looked like the ghost of Tony Hinchcliffe.

1:26:48Nigga, that's you two weeks decomposed, bitch. That motherfucker look like Lil' Hobo, nigga. I'm trying to see who got the remote to this nigga face.

1:27:06This motherfucker look like Elder Matt Rife. All right, go ahead, Jimmy. Your goose bumps-looking ass. Oh, shit.

1:27:22Sorry, do you need tea and crumpets? I'm not sure there's anything I could say right now that wouldn't get me canceled. Jimmy said I'm not one of those kind of black people. I'm the good guy. Well, you can still say it. Yeah, you can say it. I'm not. I'm not. Fuck it. I'll take it. Fucking funny. Thank you, buddy. You look like you read Dr. Seuss to niggas in prison. What the fuck? One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

1:27:55Brian Redban:David Luca. I got mine. I don't know what that nigga look like, bro. That nigga look like he hosts American Idol in Ireland. Nigga that book. I think he did. I think he actually did. Jimmy hosts, like, everything on the other side of the planet. Yeah, he hosts, like, every show in England. You put on a TV in England, it's just, what show is Jimmy Carr hosting? That nigga need a bag of blood.

1:28:24That motherfucker pale as hell, bro. You need some of that color from Tony, bitch. You're a remarkably confident man for a guy that shape.

1:28:38What are you working on type 3 diabetes? There we go. There we go. I couldn't wait for your tight mouth ass to say something. Every time a nigga talk I want to shoot a water gun in his mouth.

1:29:08What are you working on? Type 3 diabetes. What do you mean? Not the smoke detector.

1:29:19Brian Redban:By the way, he did it three times before you never heard it. It's Red Band. Hilarious. I'm a little black. I'm becoming white a little bit, bro. Once you see me dressing like fucking T-Mu Pee-Wee Herman, nigga. Oh, my God. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, we got to shut this down now. You're criticizing what someone's wearing. Yeah. The fuck are you talking about, Goodwill?

1:29:48Jimmy, I'm sorry. You dressed like you about to go fight a parking ticket, nigga. Yo, ass.

1:29:53Brian Redban:David Lucas. I heard I was parked illegally, but I want to see the queen. David is out of control right now. David wore his comfy pants for this. This nigga's so confused because they don't got niggas like that over there. I'm driven. I don't park. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Don't insult me. Talk me through the hair. Talk me through what's going on there. It's a lot. So in black America, these are called dreadlocks. Those are thick. You got on that Queen Diana wig. Queen Diana. What was that bitch name? Master of English history. What was that bitch name? I remember now. What's that her name? I'm just trying to remember what that bitch name was.

1:30:39The one who died in the car crash. Oh, Princess Diana. That's her name. Princess Diana. I said Queen. You probably got confused. Because all them bitches looking like because y 'all inbred.

1:30:49Brian Redban:It looks like you're the one that's been in a lot of bread, David. Going ham tonight. Finishing the other half of Mason Bird's rotisserie chicken. That's crazy. I had to follow the white version of me, nigga. That shit is crazy. I was like, man this nigga can swap clothes and be the same person. Yeah, we do. We went from bird to pig real quick. Amazing. You look like Steve Urkel in Whiteface. All right.

1:31:19Brian Redban:What is going on? Were you molested by a British man before this? What happened to you? No, Jimmy Carter's my homie, bro. Not yet. And they gave me that Netflix deal, nigga. I bend over like Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

1:31:39Brian Redban:You ain't bending over for shit. This is a guy that ties his shoes fucking sitting up with his leg propped up over his other leg. The Illuminati didn't have to convince you to fuck you. You was like, yes. I don't even know what you just said. It's okay. It's okay. David, you are on fire right now. Thank you, buddy. Absolutely incredible. Yes. How's life going? and you good? Man, you know, life been amazing, bro. I was on the road with you this weekend, bro. We murdered sold-out shows in fucking Raleigh in Fort Lauderdale, bro. Tony about to shoot his new hour. That shit is fantastic. I can't wait for y 'all to see it.

1:32:17It's been really amazing, dog, and I love it so much. And also, Andrew Santino had an amazing special on Hula, bro. That's right. It's out right now, White Noise. Thanks, I love you. I'll just go fuck myself, shall I? I guess I'll just go fuck myself. This nigga got, He got a new tin can of cookies coming out.

1:32:44Brian Redban:He's on fire tonight. Sometimes you just got to let him cook. Let him cook, let him eat. David Lucas. Hell yeah, catch me on tour, man. You know what I'm saying? DavidLucasComer.com. Hell yeah. Jesus fucking Christ, David Lucas. the regulars tonight showing how different it is having to be one of the people that used to write a minute every single week they have a different confidence all found out of the bucket this next person could be one I mean anything can happen we've already given away a golden ticket make some noise for Donna Lee everybody Donna Lee

1:33:30hey everybody How we doing? You good? My name's Donna Lee. I have a very critical Asian mom. My mom is Thai. My dad is Irish, so I'm Thai-rish. I had to tell my parents one day that I was going through a really gnarly divorce, and so my mom was very critical of my life decisions. She was very upset I was going to be single forever. So one day, I'm in the car going to Austin to Houston, and my mom called, and she said, Donna, Donna, how come you're alone? You're so very, very alone. I worry for you. And I said, why am I alone? Let's unpack that together. I said, I'm alone because you and Dad proved the inability to show me love and affection as a child, and you never uttered the words, I love you.

1:34:06And because of that, I can't meet a man of substance, I can't create lasting connections, and I can't hang on to a relationship for more than a few months at a time, because I'm constantly and will always be looking for something that I cannot find, Mom. That's why I'm alone. Damn, don't lie.

1:34:26I just asked why you go to Houston alone. Thank you, that's my minute. Thank you.

1:34:31Brian Redban:Boom, exactly a minute from Donna Lee. You've been on this show once before, correct? I was a few months ago, and I have a lot to talk about. Remind us, how long you been doing stand-up? I started doing stand-up in 2006, and I had my big comeback. I took five years of stand-up and perfected my hosting abilities. I took 12 years off to raise a family and do a really stressful job. I just came back to comedy May 2024, and I'm so happy to be here right now. This is my dream. This is my dream. Wow. Rock solid answer. Thank you. Donna, how... So you have one kid that's 13? 23. Oh, okay. We, um... 12 years off?

1:35:11Yeah, I took 12 years off because I felt guilty, and I wanted to raise my son and my stepsons, and I got a new husband and all this stuff. But I put them first, but now it's my turn to be first. So here I am. This is my dream. Wow. This is my comeback story. And I was on Secret Show last time, and I had so much fun, so thank you.

1:35:27Brian Redban:She brought cupcakes for everybody. Oh, my God. That's how you get booked again by Red Band. On the spot, yeah. Cupcakes. I'm a mom. You want to be a regular here at the Secret Show? Your name on the fridge.

1:35:44Wow. When I was here last time, I didn't know what it meant to be stuck in a washer that you implied. There you go. Absolutely. And I went down the rabbit hole the next day, and I wish I hadn't. So now I know what it means to be stuck in a washer thanks to Tony Hinchcliffe. That's right. And a lot of 25-year-old boys reached out to me after that episode. I bet. I bet they did. They did. Absolutely. So now you're with the guy, though. You're a stepfather. Yes, I'm married. Yes. Right. Yes, he's awesome. Is he a big supporter of your comedy? Yes, he is. He's very supportive. What does he do? He's a custom home builder here in Austin.

1:36:22Okay. He's doing good for himself. Yeah. You guys live in Westlake or something like that? Big Cave, close. Oh, yeah. He builds in Westlake, so that was good. You're living that life. You have a Mercedes SUV? A sedan.

1:36:37I can look right at you and tell you what kind of car you drive. It's an unbelievable talent that I have. What type of Asian is your mom? She's Thai. Okay. Jimmy Carr. And your father's Irish, you said? Irish. Tall Irish. Tall Irish, and she's Thai? She's tiny Thai. Okay. From Thailand, yes. Right. And how did your father get into sex tourism? The Air Force. The Air Force? Yes. Traditional. Yes. I'm a product of this country, correct? No, I was born in Thailand, and we got here as fast as we could. Amazing. Amazing. I love it. Irish Air Force, is that even a thing? No, it's the American Air Force.

1:37:18He was a citizen here. I would like to cover the comments that I got from YouTube. Thanks to... Is that okay? Can you do it in your mom's accent? Yeah, let's do that. Exactly. Great idea. That's a great idea. Well, because that stuff takes me home. It's kind of my thing. So I did a lot of posts on my page at DonnellyComedy.com. And I was on Kill Tony episode 722. And I went to YouTube when I was told not to to read the comments. As your Asian mom. As my Asian mom, the first comment that I saw that made me laugh out loud said, oh, Caitlyn Jenner, she looks feminine now. Yep. And another one about Caitlyn Jenner said, oh, Caitlyn Jenner, I know she does stand-up comedy.

1:38:07I think it's more funny in American, in English. Hell yeah. I was also called the Timu Lisa Ann. Didn't know who that was. Had to go down that rabbit hole. She's a retired porn star for those of you who don't know. That's where I know you from. Yeah. Yes. That's right. So do you make money in any way ever? Me sucky sucky.

1:38:31Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Red band. Red band. Why would you do that? That is disrespectful. That is not nice. Don't do that. No, don't. Don't. Me love you long time. No, don't do that. Stop that, red band. Stop it. No, don't. No, I'm serious. Look at me. No, don't. Don't do that. And people say Tony can't act. Don't do that. Wait, who the fuck says that? I'm a great actor. Stop, no, don't. Don't do it. That's a whole different race. Stop. Okay, stop. All right, very good. That doesn't make any sense. Do you sucky sucky? No. How do you keep this man happy? This guy could be with anybody. He has money, right?

1:39:20How do you keep your man happy? We laugh a lot. Oh. Oh. Aw. Has he met your mom? No. I tried getting stuck in the washer, but I didn't work. Fucking good. Safe work. Safe work. Has he met your mom? Oh, yeah. Of course. Okay. And what does your mom do? She lives in America, too? She actually passed away a couple of years ago, but in my act, she's still alive because I don't deal with things very well. Oh, no. Oh, no was also her last name. Oh, I brought that up. Now I fear a bad. It was a Yoko Oh No. Oh, no.

1:39:54Me not love you long time It's over What the doctor told me Sucky sucky Alright how did she pass away Cancer Well if at first you don't succeed Tie tie again It's amazing There it is There it is We're here for a good time not for a long time unbelievable what kind of cancer was it but you're Tony this is Kill Tony this ain't fucking Jimmy Kimmel over here whoa whoa okay alright what kind of cancer was it it was liver cancer liver cancer was she a drinker no did she sake sake She did not. You're getting your Asians confused. That's Japanese.

1:40:53Brian Redban:That sake sake joke did not get the love that it deserved after two sake sake references. Sake sake for liver cancer. We love a good liver cancer joke. I did want the opportunity to thank you, though. My life changed after I was on the first time. Yes, well, it's going to change again. Thank you. It's going to change again. You're a funny lady, Donna Lee. It's cool to see someone chasing their dreams. They say this is a young person's game, but I love all different shapes and sizes of people. And for you to come back and do what you love, because you love to do it, you love the feeling that you get from it, it's fucking awesome, and you deserve it.

1:41:31Congratulations. You got a big joke book last time? I did, yes. Congratulations.

1:41:35Brian Redban:You know what? I have an eight-minute spot on The Secret Show, if you want to do it first. Whoa, somebody wants more country!

1:41:48Brian Redban:Red Band wants more cupcakes. Red Band wants more cupcakes. Everybody, Red Band wants more cupcakes. Red Band wants more cupcakes. Make some noise for Zach Brown hanging out with us back here. One of the best fucking musicians in the world. Go to the sphere. I know I am. You might run into us there. December or January, we're going to be there. All right. Your final bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name. This looks like a new name. I like it. Make some noise for Ronnie Rohrbach. Ronnie Rohrbach. Oh, shit. Here we go. Make some noise. Your final bucket pool tonight, Ronnie Rohrbach. Guys, I am celebrating nine years of my citizenship.

1:42:36I've lived here for 26 years.

1:42:44I was adopted by white people I have a disability my dad got me off a fucking tax write off

1:42:54no honestly he was an asshole because growing up he never taught me Spanish so anytime I would act out he would be like he'd always start to send me back to the homeland and like he goes here they call you Ronnie. Back at home, they would call you Jaguar Bait.

1:43:17And he would always use past tense, so I knew he was serious. And the worst part about it is growing up, I never thought my dad was an alcoholic, but I knew my dad was an alcoholic because at the age of four, he would make me make his cocktails for him, and he would put the shaker in my bad hand and call it exercise.

1:43:41Thank you, guys.

1:43:43Brian Redban:All right, Ronnie Rohrbach. Welcome to the show, Ronnie. Thank you. You, my friend. I've called a lot of people adorable. I wish I could take them all back just so that I could save it for you. Thank you. What a cutie pie you are. What's wrong with your hand, little buddy? I have cerebral palsy in my left arm. You are. Let me tell you, you have one of the best cases of cerebral palsy I've ever seen. You should see what our cerebral palsy people fucking like... You're like, ha ha, I just gotta get a little over here. Hey, everybody. I don't know. Cutie, what a cutie pie. Even his cerebral palsy is fucking sweet.

1:44:18I mean.

1:44:19Brian Redban:So this is one of the cupcakes that she brought to your place. This kid's fucking unbelievable. Look at this fucking little fucking. If you study the hand, he's giving involuntary finger. Oh, yeah. About once a minute, there's an involuntary. Oh, yeah. Yeah, look at that fucking middle finger. That's a true fuck you in cursive. This guy says fuck you in cursive. It's a squiggly fucking little middle finger. I can't imagine what that would feel like in my asshole. But the night is young. Whenever I'm driving, if I flip you off with my bad hand, you know I mean it. Oh, hell yeah. Fuck you. Soulja boy in this motherfucker.

1:45:04Ronnie, how old are you? I'm 27. You are something else. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five years now. Five years now. Amazing. All of it here in Austin? No, I just moved down here about six months ago. I started in Detroit. Okay. That's where you're originally from? Born and raised? No, I was born in Guatemala, and then my parents adopted me and took me to Detroit. Oh, my God, you're adopted? Yeah. Holy shit. Look at you. You were adopted by a little white family? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. That's how you ended up like this. Yep. Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything. Your what?

1:45:39Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything. Oh, yeah. No, Guatemalans love NASCAR shirts. It's incredible. Amazing. So you're a NASCAR fan? Oh, yeah. What else are you into, Ronnie? Tell us more about you. For me, like, I'm really into disc golf because it's a one-handed thing. Yeah. Hell yeah. Absolutely. What else? Tell us more, Ronnie. I grew up playing football, which was, like, a big expectation for my own doing. Uh-huh. A lot of fumbles. They never let me touch the ball.

1:46:13Brian Redban:Oh, perfect. You're a kicker. The only time I would get out is, like, when we were either murdering our team or getting absolutely murdered. Right. Right. You're not considered being a mascot. Too short. Too short to be a mascot? Yeah, you got to be, like, 5 '4 to be a mascot. Oh, my God. You got to be 5 '4. Yeah. I lift it up, dude. Clearly, he wanted this. Yeah, somehow this is sadder than the other lady's mom's cancer diagnosis is finding out that this sweet boy is too short to live his dream as a mouse. Oh, my God. Ronnie, what else? I want to interview you forever. Another thing about me is that...

1:47:00He's the cutest guy of all time. There's more things. Tell us. Yes. Tell us everything, Ronnie. I came in third place in a prettiest butthole in competition.

1:47:09Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Some of you might not know what goes on in Detroit exactly. Well, prettiest butthole competitions are a thing. Would you like to reprise? Yeah. Wait, no, no, no, no. Let's not. Let's not. Let's not. The problem is, for me, I would need someone else to hold my other cheek because you can only get half the vision. Andrew Santino. And no, we can't pull out his butthole. I'm getting word from the Food and Beverage Administration. Jimmy, pass me the knife. We're going to cut it out and then display it on a rock. I would do it, dude. You know I was going to fucking do it. Oh, I believe you.

1:47:55Yeah, I like you. Where was this competition? It was in Lansing, Michigan. Oh, yeah. What did number one and two look like? How did they beat you? So, number two, like, I don't know if anyone ever seen, like, but this guy had glitter shoved up his ass. Oh, my God. And, like, he farted at one point and, like, it shot out. Wow. It was amazing, all right? Yeah. Here's me thinking Kill Sony is a great show.

1:48:24Brian Redban:That's a great fucking show. That is a great show. I'm going to get the number two guy on. Give him a minute next week. Sorry, that was the number two guy. Who won? So this lady, she was from Oklahoma. And, like, she had a flower tattooed on her ass. Like, the center of the flower was the sphincter. Wow. And what was your spin? How did you get third? Well, so they had an interview section, and I told everyone it was my make-a-wish. Wow. Very good. Wow. Very good. Oh, my God. Un-be-lievable. I literally went from eighth to third in five words. Wow. So the butthole might be just frightening and disgusting.

1:49:15All natural. I felt very accomplished. Absolutely. Andrew's going to cut the hair off of it with Zach Brown's knife. Right? Right. Amazing, Ronnie. So you're 27. What do you do for work? How do you make money, Ronnie? I do DoorDash right now. Unbelievable. I mean, actually totally believable. I mean, like, I kind of got fired from my last job. I was a pool boy. Or as I like to say, I was going around... Like, I was going around just, like, fucking up every middle-aged woman's fucking wet dream to see my gumpy ass walk in. Okay. I know you're many years away from your first Netflix special, but My Gumpy Ass might well be the title.

1:49:56Yep. I'll definitely put that in the notes. Absolutely. So, it's amazing because you're like an anomaly. You're like so many of the people. We had a pool guy on earlier. We had a door dash guy on earlier. We had an also. Yeah. Amazing. Ronnie, so, do you ever have a crazy door dash? Do you have any moments? Yeah, the other day they had me door dashing tires. Whoa. I felt that was, like, racially profiled. I'm like, I know how I look, but you're going to have my crippled ass lift four heavy tires? Amazing. How did you do it? I fucking had a white person help me. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. And don't you forget it, Ronnie.

1:50:41Did you tell them it was your make-a-wish? Yeah. Wow. Ronnie, you are incredible. Every disabled Mexican deserves a white person.

1:50:59Guatemalan, sorry, Guatemalan. You live here now? Yeah, I lived out here. How long have you lived in Austin? For about six months now. What do you love about Austin? Tell us what you're doing for fun out there. Honestly, I love just seeing people who look like me so I can know which haircuts I can and cannot go with.

1:51:23can i be the first to say no one else looks like you you're a non-fungible human is that haircut what the fuck hang on there's another one in a hat it's a bunch of them over

1:51:39Brian Redban:there they're everywhere what is that haircut is that like steve carell from the office what are rocking right now? I don't know. I had a white barber and I, like, for, like, the longest time I just walked in, I'm like, just do it, just don't fuck me up, and this is what I've been going with. It looks great. Fucking white people. It looks great, Ronnie. What's your love life like, Ronnie? You been with a girl? Uh, it's really non-existent right now. I've just been focusing on comedy lately. I love that. Have you been with anyone since you moved to Texas? Uh, I actually fucked a stripper. Oh, wow.

1:52:09Brian Redban:Jesus, Ronnie. Ronnie. Oh, my goodness. You've activated the lights, Ronnie. Tell us about this strippered shimmy car. That sounds like hell of a Tuesday morning. Yeah. No doubt about it. So, like, what actually happened was that I was, like, I applied for disability and got denied, and, like, I got my tax write-off, so I was like, I'm going to the strip club. Okay, let me, real quick, how much was this tax write-off for exactly? I think it was, like,$1 ,500. $1 ,500. Let's blow it right away. Yeah. Straight to the fucking strip club. Let's go. What did you wear to the strip club? Was it that?

1:52:47I was wearing a Batman shirt. Oh, yeah, brother. Oh, yeah. It had the abs and everything on. Oh, my God. Oh, my friend. That's right. There isn't a dry seat in the house. Yeah. Exactly. You and a Batman T-shirt, please. Exactly. The manager came into the champagne room, and he's like, where is she? So you're wearing a Batman shirt. you show up to the strip club just fucking that music playing in your head. What's that fucking song with the horns? What are you, five foot two? You're lucky you didn't drown in pussy.

1:53:25No, no, not that one. No, the one that's... What the fuck was that? Pick up the pieces? What is that? What is that? Pick up the pieces. You know what the fuck I'm talking about Ah, forget it Alright, you have cool music playing in your head That YouTube won't let us Reproduce right now And then, what goes on? First stripper you see Well, yeah, not the first stripper I saw Because like, the first one I saw Was Hispanic and there was a language barrier there Yeah Yep

1:54:05Brian Redban:Yep Don't judge by the color of their skin by the language they speak. Exactly. That's what D Madness lives by as well. Go ahead. Because the thing is, I can't speak Spanish, so I can't bargain. You're damn right. And the bargaining is necessary. So it was a white woman, and she's like, let's go to the champagne room and everything, and I was like, oh, no, get back there. I'm like, oh, no, I got to negotiate condom or not. And she just literally grabbed it and put it right in. Wow. Unbelievable. And that's how he got cerebral palsy, everybody. Before that, his left arm was totally fine. He was the quarterback of the football team, a left-handed quarterback before that.

1:54:50Brian Redban:I like how you were going to negotiate condom or not condom. You didn't want to. No, the price. Yeah. Condom. Yeah. So you wanted no condom. I didn't want it, but I was just like, I was not going to just not negotiate, try to get a couple bucks off. So what did you get it down to? Let's talk about the negotiation process. It was like, I think,$3.50. That's pretty hot. You raw-dogged a stripper in Detroit for$3.00? No, this was in Austin. Whoa! Oh, my goodness. God bless America. Don't ask? Don't ask. Should I ask which strip club? We all know which one it is. Which strip club was it? It was Rick's Cabinet.

1:55:30Wait, it was what? Rick's Cabinet. It's north of$35. Hold on.

1:55:35Brian Redban:There's a patch of the room losing their minds. I think they're having an employee outing right now. It's like, whoa. $350's the Ewok price. What was that? $350's the Ewok price.

1:55:51You are a little fucking Ewok. Look at you. That's what it is. I've been wondering what you remind me of. You're the fucking... We have the Estonian Assassin and the Guatemalan Ewok tonight. This is absolutely incredible. Zach Brown with the fucking call on the field. I was wondering what the fuck you were. That's what it is. Look at you. We shaved the knee, walk, and got him laid. Fucking Austin, what a town. It's unbelievable. So$3.50, and so you're negotiating, right? You're sitting there, and you go, I'd really like to have sex with you. Like that, right? Is that what you said? Well, she was the one who initiated it, which made me kind of thrown off a little bit.

1:56:32What did she say exactly? I want to fuck you. I need to fuck you.

1:56:38Brian Redban:I will dominate you, Batman. Name your price for the bidding shall be mine. And the chlamydia shall be yours. Your abs have confused me, Batman. $3.50 is a deal.

1:57:00What did she say? No, she was just like, she was just, I think, like, she was just down from it from the beginning. Because, like, whenever I'm, like, at the strip club, like, I like having a real conversation. I'm like, so what'd you do on Tuesday? God, you're the cutest human being of all time. So was this the first and last time at that, or this is regular? Yeah, it was the first time I've ever been there. I haven't been back. I should go back. But now, after this, I don't think they want me back.

1:57:27Brian Redban:No, I think they do. I think you just fucking blew up their business big time. Everybody just found out they can fuck for$350. With a$1 ,500 tax return, my friend, I do believe that's about four or five fuckings. Why are we still here? Yes. Let's all go. We know where the after party is, and we're taking the sweet Ewok with us. So again, what exactly does this stripper say? Well, so I was just, like, there, and she goes, do you want to go to the champagne room? I'm like, all right, but, like, what are we going to do? Which kind of shows how, like, I'm innocent in a way. I was like, what are we going to do?

1:58:09And she goes, I'll make sure you're worth your time. I'm like, all right, let's fucking do this. I'm always down for the game. Okay, so then what happened? This guy goes, I'm innocent. He was like, let's go raw dog. It's like nothing innocent about you at all. The moment your cock goes out, you're like, I'm putting this inside of you right now. It really is. I'm so, who me? I'm so innocent. It really, really is. I love you, man. You are something else. So again, I make sure it's worth your time. But then again, how do you get to fucking raw dogging? Yeah. I mean, make sure it's worth your time is what a stripper says when she's about to dance on you with, you know, fucking underwear on for two songs.

1:58:50How do you get to fucking? Well, so she goes, we literally walk into the champagne room. She goes, go sit in that corner and take it out. I'm like, okay. What? What?

1:59:00Brian Redban:I'm sorry. Yellow Rose and Red Rose have been sponsoring us for a long time. But let me tell you, that place fucking sucks compared to this. Go sit in the corner and pull it out. This is the world's greatest trip of all time. It's amazing. What the fuck? Risk, what's it called? It was Rick's cabinet. We have it on Yelp right here. Rick's Cabaret. Rick's Cabaret. Let's read some Yelp reviews. Holy fucking shit. Oh, my God. Well, you know what we're going to do? Because it's tradition here. We're going to start with the one-star reviews. But I got to tell you, I'm going to go to some five-star reviews, too.

1:59:45Brian Redban:Let's actually start with the fives, and then we'll go to the ones that list the STDs. That's a five-star review right there. Oh, no doubt about it. Shit, if they want to sponsor me, I'll wear a shirt everywhere. Hunter F. from Huddo, Texas. January 26, 2024. The women are beautiful. The staff is attentive and personable. Can't beat free prime rib on Fridays.

2:00:11Brian Redban:Make sure to sit at the bar with Jackie and Shy. Buy a few shots and they will give you the best recommendations on the dancers. Tell them that Hunter sent you. Wow. Thank you, Hunter. What an amazing... Tell them I sent you from Yelp. Strip club five-star Yelp reviews might be the most insane thing we've ever done on this show, by the way. Tell them Hunter sent you. Like, what a creep that guy is. That's frightening. Had a blast there. Super professional while also being fun. Got champagne and relaxed with friends. Reggie and Mario made us feel comfortable. Bought two bottles of whiskey on it, being way less than I thought it would be.

2:00:46Brian Redban:All right. Yeah, let's go to the one-star reviews. We got to get to the good shit here. We're going to find out exactly. Let's look at... Who is an interesting thought? Who wouldn't they fuck? Oh, my goodness. Oh, boy. Ooh, black men. Okay, let's read this one. Mark C. from Manhattan, New York. Oh, boy, the guy from Manhattan rolled into this fucking joint where this guy's just raw-dogging. I mean, just bodily fluids being exchanged on every pump. In and out, just liquids coming out of him. The third most beautiful asshole in Lansing, Michigan. Just fully exposed on the leather. The same leather that people sit on while eating free prime rib on Fridays.

2:01:33Brian Redban:And little did they know that the third best Lansing asshole's just bouncing off of it with a fucking hand that's throwing up gang signs 24-7. And here we go. Mark C. said, I decided to go to this club on a Saturday night with a group of coworkers and friends. I have to say I was very disappointed. We are from out of town, but come to Austin for some conferences. The women here were not attractive and were a mixture of very skinny women to women with poor plastic surgery, ass and back acne. Did you notice this girl had any acne? No, I didn't notice that. Beautiful. The lighting is everything, people.

2:02:12Brian Redban:Lighting is everything. Yeah, there's not really anything about... Oh, okay. We are a racially diverse group, white, black, Indian, and Korean. Other reviews on Google said they ignore black guys, and I have to say, it's true. Oh, my God. Two of my coworkers received no attention all night, and guess what? They were black. I noticed it and kind of felt bad, but it is not my establishment. But, yeah, definitely... But yeah, definitely noticed black men were being ignored at Rick's. Did you notice black men were being ignored there? Honestly, I wasn't looking at anybody. I was on a mission. Can you imagine being a black guy sitting at a strip club?

2:02:52Brian Redban:No one's been dancing for you all night. This fucking guy walks in. Five minutes later, his dick is out. And it's just a girl with no acne at all sitting on it. Oh my god. Don't eat the food. Terrible.

2:03:19Brian Redban:Stay away from this place. I went with my co-worker on Friday. I got a few rounds, no issues. Man, there's no one else's fucking. You are the only one that's ever fucked at this establishment. Keep reading fast, Redban. Let's go back to this. So I got to know, how long do you think you lasted the sex? Shit, like maybe a minute and a half? Minute and a half. Good job. Good job. Did you leave it in or did you take it out? There's no way. Oh, no. There's no way. No way. I'm disabled. You really think I'm going to throw her off of me? No, yeah. Well, you can't. Hold on a second. Stop everything. No leverage.

2:04:02Brian Redban:Stop. Everybody, shut the fuck up. You came inside of the stripper? Not on purpose. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. In 18 years, there's going to be the world's scariest stripper just picking up ones off a stage.

2:04:27Brian Redban:Oh, my God. My friend, that is cerebral ballsy. Have you gone back to see if she's pregnant? Oh, hell no. That's why you're not going back. Yeah, realistically, yeah. You went to... Like, honestly, as soon as I came, the first thought I had in my head was, I'm like, this is why I didn't qualify for disability. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Exactly. Jimmy Carr, what do you think about that? I just hope you do go back. I hope you build a relationship and a life with this woman because one day in the future, I want this to be, Grandma, Grandpa, how did you meet? And I want this story to come out. Wow. Unbelievable.

2:05:12He's fucking, oh, yeah, okay, all right. Very disappointed for my first time at a strip club with my new husband. I wanted to take him out for his birthday and really wanted to check out a strip club together. One of the toilets was clogged and filled with nasty toilet paper, bloodied and soiled.

2:05:34Brian Redban:And the other two stalls. Yeah, Red Band, this is just like your material. Red Band's showing me his set list from this Thursday. It's a secret show. Okay. So you came inside of her. Do you give her$3.50 right then? Did you tip anything? Were you like, well, you should maybe... Did you ask for the change on the 400, even though you came inside of her? I used cash app. Wow. Wow. So you digitally cream-pied her bank account. Unbelievable. Like a gentleman. Wow. I got to tell you, it's been a 24-minute-long interview with Ronnie Rorbeck, the adopted Guatemalan Ewok with the third most beautiful asshole from Lansing, Michigan, and arrived to Austin, Texas, started cream-pying strippers immediately.

2:06:26Brian Redban:Just absolutely fucking incredible. I love you, Ronnie. How much material do you think you have all together, stand-up-wise? I just did a half hour with my friend on the road a couple weeks ago. You better invite this motherfucker right now. I'd love to have you on the secret show. Bring him a cupcake. You know what? She's bringing cupcakes. You bring some cream pies. He's not going to be able to catch that, too. I'm holding the mic in my bad hand so I actually try and catch it. Switch so it's funnier. I'm going to aim for that right tit so you can cup it right there. You ready?

2:07:03Brian Redban:Ronnie Rohrbeck, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. What an episode. Did you guys have fun? This is the number one show in all of comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Brought to you by Talkspace. So I'm going to remind you one more time. Zach Brown is at the Sphere. December, January 2025, 2026. Santino. White Noise is out now on Hulu. He's on tour. AndrewSantino.com. Of course, Bad Friends. Jimmy Carr is on a world tour. Australia, New Zealand, and the entire world. JimmyCarr.com. Carr with two R's. And now, you know, even though all of our regulars are always busy, there just happens to be one more comedian left, and there's just one guy that could end an episode like this.

2:07:54Brian Redban:It is the Hall of Famer with a record for all-time appearances and interviews on the show. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Duke of Debauchery. He is the Big Red Machine. This is the one and only William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

2:08:22I was at the courthouse the other day pulling some land deeds, and you know the property where the Batcave is? It's owned by Wayne Enterprises. Why would Bruce Wayne... Wait, does Batman owe Bruce Wayne money?

2:08:40I mean, the dude is saving the day all day, and does he ever get a tip? Hell no. Dude's probably broke as hell, and you know the government isn't paying him, because the cop street guy keeps trying to shut his ass down. I messed that part up. Thank you. Everybody's talking about how AI is going to take over the world. Yeah, the movie kind of sucked.

2:09:07This is an impression of me sending a text to the wrong group chat. Want to go to Antifa prom with me?

2:09:18People always look at birds and say, dang, man, I wish I could fly. But birds are probably looking down at us and saying, dang, man, I wish I could start a conspiracy theory. That's my time. Thank you, Tony. Notice all the regulars with exactly a minute tonight right on the dot. God, I pros. I really bombed at the beginning. This is a real rough one tonight. But it seemed okay, I guess. People love you. You're out here. You've done it more than anybody else. You've literally done hours and hours and hours on this show. It is incredible. It was kind of a fucking great premise. Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

2:09:57I know. Batman Bruce Wayne, there's fucking something in there. You didn't go the way you wanted tonight, but there's something fucking great. There's something in there. I agree. Thank you. I agree. Great, William. And that weirdo guy was talking about Batman, so I'm thinking, oh, my God, this is going to be so good. I'm thinking, there's no way this weird guy is talking about Batman.

2:10:16Brian Redban:I know you're not calling my new best friend weird. That is Ronnie Rohrbeck. I know. I'm kidding. He seemed nice. He's a sweet boy. William, how's life been going? What's going on? Tell us about it. It's been good. Just got back from Salt Lake City. I was there this weekend. The shows were a lot of fun. And then on Sunday morning when I woke up at 7 a.m., I looked out of my window and there was a hotel on the other side of the street. And I watched these two people have sex for probably 20 minutes. Whoa. They were doing it right by their window. and I couldn't really understand what was happening because it seemed like the girl, I swear to God, at first I'm like, is this a mannequin?

2:10:48Is she passed out? I couldn't tell because he's constantly doing her legs like he was driving her or something. I couldn't even tell what was going on, but I watched it for 20 minutes, Tony, and it was very exciting on my Sunday morning. Did you touch yourself when you were doing this at all? No. You had to think about it there. I didn't this weekend at all, Tony. I wasn't really in the mood. You didn't masturbate at all? Not at all this week. Did you think about it? I wasn't in the mood. Yeah, but then I just wasn't in the mood. Why do you think you weren't in the mood? I don't know. Jimmy? I feel like you're saving it for a subway.

2:11:23Yeah, what, a subway sandwich place? Like the bathroom of a subway? I think on the New York subway, I feel like it's the right place for you to be masturbating. I know, that could be a fun place. Maybe, yeah, the subway, or what's another good place? Let's think of another place, like a McDonald's or something. Maybe McDonald's could be a fun place for me to be jacking off. Where else could be? What is some more... Maybe like a movie theater could maybe be a wonderful place to fucking jack off. But where do you really... Maybe like the fucking zoo or something, Tony? Wow! Maybe in front of the penguins?

2:11:54Oh, no. Too cold, Tony. Not in there. Whoa! Somewhere in the zoo, but not with the penguins, Tony! Oh! My dick's already small, dude! Oh, my God. But where else? Maybe like... Maybe like a gas station. Whoa. What gas station? Huh? A Sitgo? Maybe a Sitgo or... Oh. Buc-ee's is roomy. I know Buc-ee's. Oh, my gosh. How did I not think of Buc-ee's? Maybe I could jack off on Buc-ee because Buc-ee walks around the Buc-ee's every day from 10 to 12 p.m. 10 a.m. to 12 p.m. Wow. So if I go between 10 and 12, I'll be able to catch his ass in there. So maybe that's a good idea. I could just jack off all on them and have a fun rest of the day, I'm sure.

2:12:42I'm sure the rest of my day after that would be good. Wow. Jack it off on fucking Bucky's nasty, hairy fucking ass. Wow. One of the companies that I've always wanted to sponsor the show, and I guess I'll never have to chase that dream again. No, Tony, you need to, and then we can get together because we'll be around each other a lot. If he's here, like, every Monday, I think I'd be able to charm him. Oh, okay. Get the sponsor, maybe. It appears as though William thinks the Bucky beaver is a real beaver, a real grown beaver, Jimmy Carr. Can I ask about when you were watching this couple making love across the street, was there any eye contact?

2:13:24At any point, did you think they're going to see me watching them? The guy would look a little bit, but I was down. They were up, like, three stories, and then I was also hiding behind the curtain at first. So I was sitting on the bed at first, and I was like, wait, I've got to stand up. And then I was standing up, and then I was naked. I was naked this entire time. Why were you naked? Just thinking maybe I could help them out if they see my ass down there. They're going to be like, oh, my God, this is freaky. That dude's naked down there watching us. So I thought maybe I could help, but they did not see me.

2:13:56But it was exciting. It really was. That is incredible. How did it end? Did you notice? How could you tell me we're done? I had to get out of there. I had to get my Lyft. Because I ordered my Lyft like halfway through, but the Lyft was taking a while. So I was able to watch them longer. But then I had to just leave. Amazing. Why Lyft? Why is Lyft your go-to? I always look at Lyft and Uber and whatever's cheaper. That's what I go with. Wow. A very thrifty William Montgomery. Shockingly thrifty. Literally rich. Literally rich. No, I wouldn't say that, Tony. And I wouldn't also say that. There's a bunch of fucking weirdos that watch it.

2:14:31A bunch of really nice people. A bunch of weirdos. people don't need to think I have a bunch of money because I don't. So, right. The government takes a lot. I mean, it's not, really, it's not. So we don't even need to talk about it. Right. We really don't. I love it. Because there's like some strange people that would just love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment.

2:14:52Brian Redban:Really worried about what other people think for a guy that just admitted to watching two people fuck from a hotel window butt naked. I mean, I think your priorities are a little out of whack. Well, we live in a weird time. There's a bunch of weirdos out there, Tony. I mean, we're in a strange time. I love that. Weirdos, you say. There's weirdos everywhere. Sure. Yeah. What else you been doing for fun, William? Anything else? Just the fucking row machine. I'm at 1 ,900 ,000 meters. Wow. Have you ever thought about jerking off on the row machine? No, I almost vomited the other day. So I wouldn't be in the mood.

2:15:28Right. At all. Is there anything else that you're passionate about? Any new snacks in your life? Just some butterfingers, Toadie!

2:15:36Brian Redban:Yep. Wow, this guy's completely bored out of his mind. Look at this fucking guy's face. Do you have a problem with me tonight? You didn't like the first joke? I messed up on the first fucking joke? What, are you one of these fucking weirdos that would love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment? Are you one of these fucking dudes? Is that why you're looking at me like that, dumbass? You really think we're not gonna be able to see your fucking face, dude? You're right there in the light. Yeah, you got caught daydreaming, bro. That guy's gonna have a panic attack right now.

2:16:06That is bad. William, be nice to him. Who's that? Who are you with? Your sister? Who's that lady with you? I'm kidding. Is that your... Who is that? That's his girlfriend. Are you ever gonna stop... They just go back from Salt Lake City. Are you ever gonna stop harassing this guy, William?

2:16:28Brian Redban:I don't think I'm ever gonna stop harassing him. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. and this episode is brought to you by Talkspace. White Noise is on Hulu. The great Andrew Santino. Tickets at andrewsantino.com. Jimmycar.com for his tickets. And one more time, what a special treat, the great Zac Brown, ladies and gentlemen, of the Zac Brown Band at the Sphere all of December and all of January, ladies and gentlemen. And don't forget the brand new album, Love and Fear, comes out on night one of their Sphere performances Friday, December 5th. Zach, fun times. Thank you, my friend. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

2:17:08Brian Redban:The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in. It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, D-Madness. Look at that. That's amazing. D, it's beautiful. I promise. Did you guys have fun tonight? Red Band. Guys, check out Jet Ski. Jet Ski Johnson's new podcast. I think Santino, were you on it? Yeah. It's amazing. Go watch Jet Fuel. Kill Tony's super alumni Jet Ski Johnson has a podcast now. The great Heidi and Valerie Bond, the Kill Tony beauties have a podcast. Yeah, check out everything. Thank you to Talkspace and thank you to the live audience. Don't forget, New Year's Eve, we're at the Moody Center, so you people finally have a chance at seeing Kill Tony live, but you gotta do it on New Year's Eve in a big-ass arena.

2:17:55Brian Redban:It's gonna be crazy. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

2:18:23The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

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