#739 - ELAINE + SAM TALLENT + MIKE FEENEY

20:22Hey, guys. So you can probably tell by looking at me, my pronouns are USA.

20:32I usually walk out to Bruce Springsteen, born in the USA, just in case. They had my passport back there. I identify as biracial because my dad is black and my mom is African American. Um, but my body, my body is gentrifying itself. Yeah, you know you have vitiligo because it starts with a couple spots, and then pretty soon you don't recognize the neighborhood anymore. It's just not what it used to be. Best part about having vitiligo, though, is kids always come up to me and ask me, what happened to your hand? And I get to tell them, well, when I was your age, my mom told me to do something, and I didn't listen.

21:17and she smacked the black off me. Listen to your parents. I'll leave it there. Thanks, guys. My name is Medina.

21:25Brian Redban:Medina. I love it. First time on the show. Welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Three years. Where at? Philly region. I'm from Delaware. Okay. Go birds. Philly, absolutely. Hell yeah. All right. Awesome. And again, I missed it. It was going so fast. What are your parents? What's the mashup here? Black and black. Black and black. Okay. All right. So the burka kind of comes out of nowhere there. Yeah. Think Malcolm X. Okay. Yeah. I always do. Yeah.

22:03Brian Redban:I love it. What do you do for a living? I am a state representative. Oh, my God. I elect an official in Delaware. Like, where at? Delaware State House. Holy shit. Yeah. How pissed are they going to be that you're on this show? This is wild. This is crazy. Yeah. And I just had my birthday, and I'm getting divorced. Whoa. I love it. Hell yeah. So the relationship, like your skin, was a bit patchy. A little bit. Nice. That was okay. Yeah. How long were you married to this guy? 12 years. 12 years. Oh, my God. Why did it end? Can I ask? Well, I'll just tell you, a week after we separated, my eyelids started filling in.

22:44So, like, my skin turned brown again. That's a good thing. Yeah, yeah. It's, like, stress-induced, so. Wait, break that down. So it was, like, some sort of reverse Sammy Solskill? What are you talking about? Yeah. So it was whiter than it started getting brown? Yeah, they were both completely white. And then I looked in the mirror the other day, and I was like, huh, I guess getting divorced was the right decision. Well, it's his loss. What is your favorite? My favorite?

23:13Brian Redban:Your favorite what? You didn't even finish the question that you're not supposed to be asking. I mean, I do have favorites. The favorite, the type of would you prefer to be brown or not brown? What the fuck? Elaine, are you asking what her favorite color is? Before you ask a question, think about what you're asking. She's from a different time, Tony. Okay? I used to open for Joan Rivers. We could say the N word of breakfast. Okay? Okay, so. I'm so sorry. I'm a big fan, though. I mean, my favorite white patches are my eyelids. Yes. Because it's better for eye shadow. Yes. You're telling me. But I miss my brown lip liner that I had, like my built-in lip liner.

23:52I do miss that. That's a good question. They're on you, but I think it's a good question. You are a politician. I was just going to say a true politician.

24:02Brian Redban:Great question, Elaine. You don't want to lose your constituents. Yeah. The elderly are a big block. Yeah, trust me, this is a mail-in ballot if I've ever seen one right here. We call her Pussy the ballot box. Someone just talked themselves out of a titty fuck. Keep up that link. If I keep losing weight, I can do myself. How long have you been a state representative for? I'm going into my sixth year. Oh, my God. So tell us about that. Tell us what some things that you didn't expect about that job. We've never had a state representative on the show before. This is amazing. Oh, amazing. Okay. I would say I wish that we had a light.

24:44Like, I wish my colleagues only had so much time. Yeah. Because they just go on and on. Yeah. What else about it? Democrats and Republicans all suck.

24:54Brian Redban:Exactly. I agree with that. Rock and roll. People think I'm a Republican all the time. They just think I'm a staunch Republican, but it's not that way at all. No, you're just rich. Yeah. It happens, man. The common sense centrist that just saw in the last election that there was only one option. You're considered a Democrat, though, correct? Yeah, but I'm, like, very far left. Right, I could tell by the everything. But you have an amazing sense of humor. This is incredible that you would come to this show and do it. So you're taking stand-up very seriously. I took the Greyhound bus. You did? Wow.

25:29Brian Redban:Was it totally gray or was it kind of... Blue. It was blue. Tell us about the Greyhound bus. 7.25 a.m. Got on the Greyhound in Fort Worth and stopped in some random town. Hillsboro or something. Was there a Buc-ee's there at least? No, there was a Love's. Okay. We Love's. Buc-ee's around here. I love it too. I love it. Go ahead, Elaine. The bus. I've taken the bus many a time. I've been felt up many a time. I've been fingered. I've been, last time I took the bus from Austin to San Antonio, I was fingered by the bus driver while he was driving. I'll send you a link. But it was, but there's something to be said about the people on the bus.

26:15There's so many different flavors and characters. Did you see anyone that made you go, oh, I'm going to write a joke about them, you know? Yeah, but I'm a politician, so I probably should say that. Girls who are on a fucking show is a fucking...

26:29And don't get her started on the wheels. I mean, the bus driver, I loved hearing her takes on the world. She's really loud. And she was talking about how, like, he talks about freedom of speech, but apparently not. Apparently not for everybody. And, like, she was going in. And I was like, this is the America I love, right? Like, you can have voted for Trump and not agree with everything, just like you can be a Democrat and not suck.

26:52Brian Redban:Exactly. Like, we exist in multiple states. Absolutely. We all do. We're all meeting in the middle. We are indeed the United States of America, the greatest country in the world. I wish I could vote. That fucking gun thing's caught up to me. I'd love to give you one vote. I won in 2020. I won a primary by 43 votes. What? Every vote counts. Wow. We all know what a primary is, too. Yeah. What does that mean exactly, Sam? I don't get it. I was being facetious. Please. Explain. No, we know what a primary is. Oh, I don't. You don't? No, I don't. What the fuck? What's going on with you? I've been eating a lot of raspberries.

27:37I don't vote. Well, then surely. I don't like the tyranny of democracy. I believe in freedom.

27:43Brian Redban:Wow, great. I would love to live in your country, Sam. You do. It's the best one. What? Okay. Where else can all of us hang out? We got fucking these guys over there, you know? Mike Sleeveless. we got a blind black guy? That's worth two. You know what I mean? There's a lot of progress being made up here. Is that fair to say, ma 'am? Let's get back to the guest here. So, when you were campaigning, was there any, did you have any big moments where you knew you were going to win or some type of, you know, just a big catchphrase or something that got you victory? You know, like Biden, for example, lost.

28:26Brian Redban:because he was dead, right? And he couldn't do anything. He couldn't speak in public. So we know why he lost. Trump got shot at, kind of swung it, came up with blood, fucking pumped his fist. People are like, oh, shit. Like he won. Yeah. So, like, did you have any moments? Like, you know, remember that great Howard Dean who kind of was like a front runner, and then he went crazy going, wow, Minnesota, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Yeah, tell us about your campaign. You have any tricks, catchphrases, anything going up against them? Yeah, I mean, it's really corny now. Yeah, let's do it. But it was, let's make a difference together.

29:04Brian Redban:Wow. Wow. Wow. Unbelievable. Delaware. Yeah, earth shattering. Yeah. They weren't ready. I mean, we won. It was close, but. Does anybody ever think you work in the Bed Bath & Beyond part of Target? Did you ever use your Villago? Am I saying that right? Villago? Vitiligo. Vitiligo? Yeah. Vitiligo. Vitiligo? Vitiligo. Vitiligo? Vitiligo. Sky Rizzy. Vitiligo. Vitiligo. You ever use that to your advantage while campaigning? Like, I bring everyone together. Look, I'm this and I'm that. No? Yeah. Is there a yarmulke under that? Yeah. Samuel. Samuel. Samuel. Samuel. You know, that's reaching across the aisle.

29:46Samuel. Samuel. Is there? Is there? No. No. Okay. No.

29:51Brian Redban:I love it. Anything else crazy we should know about you, Medina? Any other things? Sometimes I have Stevie Wonder braids with beads under here, since you were wondering. Stevie Wonder braids? Yeah, just imagine Hotter Than July, the album cover. D-Madness has Stevie Wonder eyes. Might be too lack of reference. Much different than the hairstyle. I'm actually in a Hootie and the Blowfish cover band called Stevie Wonder's Eyes. Oh, you just knocked a Red Bull on your pussy. Well, looks like it's time to squirt. Another one of my catchphrases. Thank you, Michael. You can see me with a Tropicana next Thursday and Friday.

30:25Brian Redban:Oh, perfect. I think your pussy has wings now. The Red Bull can landed. It was already red. The Red Bull can on your pussy, Elaine. Don't you make my pussy mustache fall off. Elaine, I didn't hear it hit the floor, though. It's true. It swallowed it up. It drank it. It hit me with a Stargate suction cup sound. Here we go. Wait, wait, wait. All right, good job red band if I had red could have hit any button in the world And you've made a noise with your mouth you ready. I'll drop it and then do it ready red band right here. You go on two three Perfect Red band, how dare you? My son is watching this Medina I love your style congratulations Amazing stuff and a state representative Boom got it the kill Tony debut of Medina Let me tell you, we are on a streak with this bucket of one of my favorite coincidences in the world, and that is one-word names.

31:30Brian Redban:Let me remind you, we've had Wilson Medina, and three in a row. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. All right, there you go. Awesome. Make some noise. For Dex, everybody, it's Dex.

31:58I look like I ran here.

32:05At the gym, they call me the Stairmaster.

32:12Why is there an F in KFC? Because when you buy some, hell yeah, you got F in KFC. I should introduce myself. My name's Dex, which is cool, because I look like a Doug.

32:32I look like Corinthians 420.

32:41Sometimes I think porn is addicted to me.

32:50I think Ludacris was real skinny until he started singing Get Out The Way. That's a whey protein joke.

33:02Do you know what is really odd? Half of all integers.

33:11And that joke about Ludacris, what was that about?

33:14Brian Redban:All right, all right, Dex. So, minute, 15 seconds. One more time for Dex, everybody. Dex, grab that mic. I'm going to interview you now. Hell yeah, dude. Welcome to the show, brother. You have your own style. Very defined. Very funny. Hell yeah. How long you been doing stand-up? Five years, two for real. I love it. Where at? Montana. Okay, that's it. And for people with mental illness. Yep. Because I have mental illness. We can tell. What exactly have you been diagnosed with, Dex? Bipolar right after graduating as an engineer. That's got to be tough in the heat.

33:58Two can play at this game, Dex.

34:05Brian Redban:Dex, Dex, Dex. So you graduated from college to be an engineer. how did you know that you what what was happening to where you went to get a diagnosis of bipolar oh just lost my mind literally tell us about that oh it's like halloween and oh this is fascinating because i'm from montana drove out east actually i was slow it down you're doing good you're doing good you're doing good you don't want to slow it down too much here so uh you're doing just fine there was a i seriously a 400 pound when i was losing the church was like oh go help that lady and so i did for two years you helped a 400 pound lady she was a hoarder marine hell yeah or hoorah uh-huh um she wanted her cousin to move in with her so we got it ready and then i flew out to baltimore and lost my mind i was three days homeless out there And then the guy in Helena is like, don't call the cops.

35:06Because I finally, I tore up my credit card and then went to the hospital. Oh, yeah, I remembered Carrot Top, even though I didn't use his number. But, yeah, I called my dad and he came and rescued me. That's crazy. How does Carrot Top fit into this? Because I was using 1-800-CALL-ATT and I was like, Carrot Top. And he's like, nah, that's not his number.

35:27Brian Redban:Ah, you made a collect call. Yeah. The name that you used was Carrot Top. Yeah, that's the fastest I've ever told that story. That's good. No, you're doing good. How many times a week would you say you use fentanyl?

35:43Oh, I shouldn't say this.

35:45Brian Redban:Yes, you should. You're on the show. This is the time to share the interesting parts of your life. I work at this little cabin, and there was one little one. I was like, oh, that's prescription. And then it had an M on it. No, it had a letter on it And I was like, oh, that's some serious stuff What the fuck is going on? What's happening? What's going on? What do you say? Am I high? Am I in a prank show right now? Red man You're doing good It's like we got high through osmosis when you came out When you tell the stories, do they make sense to you? Is there someone else in there finishing the story?

36:27Brian Redban:There is someone I heard the voice at some point go you're going too fast you're going slow it down yeah it's like what yeah your timing is all joking aside your timing is very funny you got a lot of laughs when you said integer i got real nervous but you said also excited hit me mike yep so so let's talk about it dex your stand-up is the thing that brings you the most joy in the world right yeah and you travel around and you do that but you mostly do it in montana correct yeah but i road tripped here so i'm at least going to spend a week we're going to get on the circuit when you say we are you talking about the voices in your head or did you come with somebody from just me and my van and i love it i love it so you have a van and you're sleeping in the van i'm guessing hell yeah yeah awesome guessing it's not a lot of sleeping in that van i think it's a lot Anything crazy happen on your drive here from Montana?

37:27Yeah, last Sunday I signed a woman's boobs as Forrest Gump. Nice.

37:34Brian Redban:Wow, very good. All right, all right, I'll show you. No, no, no, Elaine, we can't do it. YouTube has big restrictions here. Thank you for calling them big. Yes. Dax, very interesting. How do you make money? oh fuck i just work for my folks but yeah what do your folks do um they're they're decently off so i just like mow long i do as much as i can with mental illness it's fucking hard it's hard to be an adult where you're just like i suck at this how old are you dex 42 okay yeah awesome but we can do it as long as we have someone holding my hand fuck you're doing a great job yeah wow i like your style buddy.

38:16Also, Dex, I liked your jokes. The jokes were great. They were quick, man. There was a great word economy. You got good jokes. You got a mental illness. You're kind of perfect for the show. I mean, this feels... I've got 400 of them. 400 jokes? You got 400 jokes? Yeah, but I'm perfect for a five minute. I can't even stand more than five minutes. That's amazing. You're doing a great job, Dex.

38:40Brian Redban:Are you on medicine now? Did they have you on medicine? No, so, yeah, Yeah, so I quit all that stuff. When did you quit? After five years, I was in and out of the hospital. But when, how long ago did you quit? 10 years ago. Perfect, okay. We've been doing good. We've only had one relapse. I went schizophrenic on a river trip. And those 17 people don't hang out with me. Nothing beats a jetty holiday. Wow. Wow. That's hysterical, Duff. Oh, do you want to titty fuck me in your van tonight? No. I really like your style. You can bring some whey protein. Dude, you don't blink. It's terrifying. Yeah.

39:23I got to be honest. And actually, wait, stop blinking. It's worse.

39:26Brian Redban:Never mind. Tell us about the relapse with the 17 people, just out of curiosity, because it seems so interesting. It seems like you have a real grasp on this thing, that you're aware of it when it's happening, that you're used to it. Yeah, I'm like, I got my van, I got my shuttle all set up, and then bro's just like, can I get a ride? And then he has these shrimp scampi that he doesn't even put in a cooler. And then that, they eat those. That was crazy. But I just lose every night of sleep on that trip. And then I just, I don't go to any, no sleep for six days. You will lose your mind. And the no sleep, hold on, the no sleep is because of the manic episode or because of drugs?

40:07No, just no, I'm zero drugs. So it's just. It was the shrimp scampi.

40:11Brian Redban:Yeah. So six days with no sleep, and then what happened? Oh, I see. Yeah, so, like, yeah, I could just document it, because it's more than drugs. Like, it's crazy. Like, everything's just like, whoa. So what happened on the relapse that you're talking about? Like, what happened? Do you remember what happened, where the people don't want to hang out with you anymore? Oh, yeah, then they just dropped me off at my parents' house, because that's where I have to live with mental illness. And then, oh, I ran. That night, I was like, oh, fuck. because it's like a forest scene in here. And then I ran out.

40:45I just ran naked. I was going to run into the woods.

40:48Brian Redban:There we go. Now we're talking. This is what I'm looking for. But then there's clarity because... And then I just... I say, fuck you, mom and dad, or something like that. And you're naked at the time? No, actually, I said... They're Catholics. I was like... What the fuck? No, I literally said, I'm masturbating. And then I thought my dad was going to run after me, so I'm just booking it. What? Was that the hope? Yeah. Is that how you get off? So I'm getting up the street, and then my neighbor... You guys are interrupting greatness, by the way. Let Dex fucking talk. Put the fucking microphones down.

41:22Dex, keep going. And then my neighbor's just like, whoa. And I'm like, push him, push him, because I think my dad is chasing after me.

41:30Brian Redban:Give me a spotlight keynote. Keep going, Dex. We have mountains that are about a mile away, but then the police department's a half a mile away, So I'm just like, let's run there, because they have those CIT officers that help with mental illness. Yes. And then I say, hey, I need a CIT officer.

41:54Brian Redban:I fucking love you. I really do. You're just cool as fuck, Dex. How much time do you have? You have 400 jokes. Yeah, and we can stay here as long. My plan is to stay here for a month. If it worked out and I got on, so this is wild. Yeah, you're in it right now, Dex. Fuck yeah. I love people like you. Oh yeah, thank you guys. Mentally ill people that know they're mentally ill and admit to being mentally ill and aren't all fucking, you know. Some people really, really, really, really, really do need medication and this and that. But it seems like you're just kind of aware of your situation. When did that last, what you call a relapse, happen, the river trip?

42:42Brian Redban:2017. Right. And since then, nothing? And do you sometimes feel something coming on and make changes? Yeah, I dedicated my life to sleep. Sleep was like a bus that you get on. And then I constantly miss that bus. So. Wow.

43:05That's amazing. This is real. I love this. Do you have a catchphrase? Hell yeah, that's what we were going to say, but we only got a minute. That's right.

43:15Brian Redban:Yep.

43:20Brian Redban:Anything else for Dex, guys? You said you document when you're having an episode. How do you document it? Is it like just writing out all work and no play, or do you film it, or what do you do? Oh, fuck. Like at a campfire when people want to listen to a four-hour story. Who listens to it? You call your... 17 people, and I threw them under the bus just for comedy, but I don't get invited to a dinner party. You're not missing out. Dinner parties are overrated. You know what's not? Getting titty fucked in your van tonight. I'm not joking. I'm not joking. Dex, I think it's great that you're taking personal accountability for your mental health, and I think it's very brave.

43:58Very cool. You did an excellent job at the comedy, too, man. Yes. Very cool. Very cool, man. Very cool. Dex, I think you're built for this. Yeah. Of course.

44:10Brian Redban:Confident, funny. You want to do a spot on the secret show on Thursday? Hell yeah, there you go. If you're not going to do it, I will, you fucking dork. Boom. You get to open up the secret show in five minutes. This fucking stiff ass. If you had just B-cup titties, he would have had you on. There's his name. write it on your little lineup. Next time I bump you like that, maybe you should just do it yourself. Looks like you're in control of things. Dex, you're doing the secret show on Thursday night at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You just got booked for a real gig. How many of you are going to go Thursday just to see Dex?

44:54Brian Redban:See that? Look at that right there. Fucking liars. Oh, Dex, here's a big joke book, buddy. There you go. Boom. Make some noise for Dex. One more time for Dex. Get some information from Dex so that Red Bank can contact him. Get a phone number or a license plate or something. Whatever we have to do.

45:21Brian Redban:All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Busco Jones, everybody. You guys having fun out there?

45:37So for a little while in my 20s, I thought I was gay. Turned out, though, I was just really, really bad with the women. I am what my daughter's generation would have called a simp, which all that means is just being nice to women, which if you know anything about your teens and 20s, women don't want that, or they're not interested in that. So I learned I'll become an asshole, and now I am a father of three with two women. So it worked out. My wife is bi. Polar. Not the fun one. It is entertaining a little bit. It's like a psycho thriller, though, not like sexy, cool, fun type of thing going on.

46:24So I am married. Anybody happily married in here?

46:31Bunch of lying motherfuckers. I didn't get married to be happy. Marriage is not a happy... It rhymes with mortgage. It's not a happy word. You know what a happy word is? Mistress. It's mysterious. It's short. It's fun. I've been Busco Jones. Thank you all very much.

46:50Brian Redban:Busco. All right. So it's Busco, not Busco. You've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. All right. Well, welcome back, guys. What did you think about Busco? You know Busco? That means to search, correct? I search. Yes, sir. I'm searching for the punchlines. But no. No. Busco, here's what I think, man. You have a confidence and you're like calm. Right. It's just when the jokes catch up to that, I think you're really going to have something. You know? I mean that. I'm trying to give you. No, no. Because you're not nervous. It's like you're like laid back. You know? I think you're engaging.

47:21It's just when the jokes get there, man, I think there's going to be something special. Although you are also sweating, though. Pretty profuse. You're dripping. Yeah, you're dripping. Way more nervous than you're telling me. Really? But I appreciate that. I didn't see until you turned that your face looks glazed like a hand. So wet. Just so wet. I happen to think you are very confident. You do have Chili's bouncer energy. Nice. Thank you. Which is a compliment. But you came out, you grabbed the mic, you knew where to put it, and you knew where to, you know, you put one foot in front of the other.

47:47But Sam's right, the joke's going to take time. How long have you been doing Sam? I open mics for about 10 years. You go to Chili's a lot, Elaine? Oh, my God, I practically live there. You got a coupon?

47:56Brian Redban:What do you get when you go there? That's a personal question. The shrimp scamby. Hit me, Mike. Thank you. Unbelievably amazing. Busco, you've been on the show once or twice before? Twice, twice. Okay. Tell us something about you that we didn't learn the other times you were on. You've been on before. I remember all the sets have kind of been just okay and then whatever. Fair enough. So you've had some time to think about this. The most interesting thing? You sign up every week? No, no. I can't get down here every week, but whenever I get down here, I sign up for sure. I mean, it sounds lame. I'm a father of twins.

48:35Brian Redban:That's it? Just those two? That's pretty cool. It was fun. Okay, if you have to tell us how cool it is, then. Imagine we don't know why it's cool. No, no. I'm a successful real estate agent. You do the comedy of a successful real estate agent. Exactly. I'm no longer at the pizza place anymore, which is great. Y 'all gave them a huge bump. Did you get fired from that? No. I quit. I was good. I was only there for like two years just for kind of fun. Is that your real estate company on the shirt? Yeah, yes, sir. Is that why you came out here to just be a human billboard for 60 seconds? I mean, this is a capitalist society.

49:16I'm not against that. It wouldn't hurt. But I'm still trying.

49:20Brian Redban:Other than the fact that you coincidentally made twins with your sperm, is there anything else interesting about you that we don't know about your entire life? No, man, I can't beat Dex, dude. that dude. You are correct. You can't. That's insane. You already have a little joke book, right? Yeah. Go fill it up with good jokes, Busco. There he goes. Busco Jones, everybody. Some interviews go longer. Some I just fly right through. That's one of those short interviews. We are going to go with a very special treat. This is this guy's Kill Tony debut. He came recommended by Shane Gillis, James McCann, and Sam Tallent.

49:56Brian Redban:He's visiting from Perth, Australia. This is the Kill Tony debut of Andrew Wolfe.

50:10Hey, guys. How you going? You good? Yeah, I'm not well. Thanks for asking. I don't know if you get a vibe. I'm not right in the head. Do you feel this? I'm Steve Irwin on math. Instead of crocodiles, I'm wrestling the homeless, you fuckheads. How good's America? OK, can we give it a clap? Land of the free, home of the gun. My only complaint is the tourists, why can't I get one from the airport? What the fuck's going on? I'm walking into Call of Duty without a weapon, you motherfuckers. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm getting fucked up. I'll tell you, every time I'm getting on stage, I'm scaring the fuck out of people.

50:50I feel it now. You're looking at me like you've gotten into an Uber and realised the driver doesn't have the app. He's just staring back. He's locked the windows. He's got his dick out going, let's ride! Staring at you in the rear view mirror. Have any of you guys looked at the mirror and seen your reflection? It's so bad you've had to take a day off work. Have you had that? Spend the day fucking... I just want to be more comfortable in my body. Are you guys comfortable in your bodies? Not everyone gets it. My ex's mother-in-law, she had plastic surgery at 67. 67, is that... Is that leaving it a bit late?

51:29That's like renovating a house three weeks before the demolition. What are you doing? She got a boob job. That's like taping two balloons to a skeleton. Holy fuck. It's Halloween. It's a house of horrors with two ghosts in front. I'm dating her right now, so chill the fuck out, hey. The sex is no good. Are any of you guys good at sex? Exactly. No one said fuck all. No one teaches you how to be good at sex. Growing up, you learn about sex the same way you learn about ghosts. An older kid takes you into the woods and scares the fuck out of you.

52:04Brian Redban:Thank you very much. Fuck yes. Andrew Wolfe, welcome to the Kill Tony universe. Thank you for having me. Amazing stuff. Especially there towards the end. I'm sorry, early on in your set when you're like, I don't know if you can tell, but I'm kind of crazy. Two before you was Dax. Oh, dude. I mean, like, you seem like a fucking heart surgeon after that. So, like, it's incredible. No one understands what the fuck I'm saying. I can feel it. You're doing good, bud. I feel like I'm in a foreign country trying to order food. I'm like, fuck, get me some bread, cunt. I don't know what's going on. I love it.

52:39How long are you... It's scary as well. This reminds me of my mum, this guy. Yeah. Just staring at me, quick comedy, and go back to accounting, you fucking loser.

52:49Go back to accounting. She's like my inner monologue, just chatting on. I don't know where her personality ends and my mental health begins. All I know is I can't gas myself in a car anymore because they've lowered the emissions.

53:08Brian Redban:Yeah. I fucking love it. Yeah, man. High energy. I've been bombing in that other room. Yeah, you have been. Don't worry. You don't have to tell them how the other set went. You don't have to tell them, oh, my other thing's not going so good. Just keep doing good. This is the one that matters. Yeah, this matters, baby. Let's give it up for Gil Tony!

53:31How long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, 2012. Long enough to quit, dude. I should have given up.

53:36Brian Redban:No, you're doing great. Nothing's happened for me. But I do live in the most isolated city in the world, so no one's seen me. That's true. Perth. Who knows? It might change now, girl. Perth. Specifically used in the movie Kill Bill because it is such an isolated city that that's where the elitist Bill supposedly moved to. Da-da-da-da. It's, like, known for being an isolated city. Tell us about Perth. Fuck, it's a scary place, guys, hey? Everyone from Perth is called the Sand Gropers in Australia. I don't know if you know the word groper, but... Oh, yeah. That's a word for sexual assault. That means sexual assault, so that says it all.

54:16But Jack Della Mella, Jack Della Maddalena's from there. Okay. He lives nearby.

54:21Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah, he doesn't respect me. Why? Well, I'm a small, feeble man. Hey, look at me, I'm a nerd. Yeah, but Perth's amazing, hey? You should come there sometime. Yeah, that's on the eastern side of Australia. Yeah. Is the weather there good? The weather's hot as shit, dude. Look at me, I look 65 years old. That's true. Might be time for some plastic surgery. Oh, dude, I need it. As soon as I get some money, I just... I don't know, I can't even get a good haircut. I look like a middle-aged housewife with a perm, hey? Is gold mining still a big thing in Perth? Yeah, that's all we do. Right. Two weeks in the hole, two weeks out of the hole on math.

54:57Do you do that sometimes? Nah, dude, they won't trust me down the hole. Tell them what you did. Tell them how good you are at business. Oh, what? I'm a failed stockbroker, so I used to work in a boiler room. We'd do 300 calls a day.

55:12Brian Redban:Yeah, convincing retirees to give us their life savings, so. And it didn't work out for you? It didn't work out for me or for them, to be honest. But it almost worked out for you, right? They ring up and the stocks are down. I'm like, well, you've got to spend money to make money. We're down 90%. We're going to come good from here, Cheryl. Wow, poor Cheryl. Poor fucking Cheryl. No, I'm out of that now. Yeah, why? What happened to the last... Tell that story you told me that I cried and threw up. Well, I actually did well at stockbroking. I used to have five houses, had some money, but it turns out bipolar is a hell of a drug.

55:49Brian Redban:It fucked me up. You're bipolar too? Yeah, type 2. They diagnosed you? Type 2. Redman has type 2 as well. Yeah. Yes! All right. You're better than me. No, he's not anymore. He changed his life around, which you could do at any point. Sam Talent looks fantastic. Yeah, he looks great. Great. Redman's trying to do Sam's fat jokes from a year ago. Hey, you're fatter than me. Sam looks amazing. He looks a bit like the wizard from the... The scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz, to be honest. Wow. Oh, that's too mean. Yeah, that's a brand new movie over in Perth, Australia. Just got that one. Dude, I had some early good jokes and now I'm fucking bottling.

56:33Brian Redban:No, you're doing good. I love how hyper-aware you are. Yeah. Do you take any... Oh, my God. Sorry, I choked on a pube. Do you take anything before you go on stage or is this all raw, natural excitement? Yeah, I'm just, like, frenetic all the time. Just panicky. Yeah, you are. I'm not comfortable in my own skin, to be honest. I'm like O.J. Simpson's hand in a glove, hey. Not comfortable in your own skin. Tell me about it. Yeah, not comfortable. Did you tell the story that Sam wanted you to tell about? You gotta tell that story. I don't remember the story. Yeah, you tell the story. So you lost, like, fucking what?

57:12Millions of dollars on the stock market. Yeah. And then you called the suicide hotline in Australia. And they sent a guy over to your house. and what happened? Well, he came there in white gloves on a scooter and I said... And he was meant to be medicating me and I said, like, I've lost all this money, I lost$1.4 million. And he was like,$1.4 million? That's so bad. If I had$1.4 million, I'd quit this job and leave immediately. And it's like, you're not fucking helping it, you motherfucker.

57:50Brian Redban:Yeah, that's basically what happened, man. That is a great story. Sam, do you have any other of his stories that he can tell? Yeah, he's better at the stories. You had to tell half the story before he's like, oh, yeah, I am, but that happened to me. I mean, dude, this guy, this guy, like, he's open for being in Australia, and you do not want to fucking follow this guy. It's brutal. You're a killer. But he gets here Monday, and I text Egot, and I'm like, hey, my buddy's in town, McCann tells him. You get on over there. Holy shit. Yeah. That's bad. Yeah, you bombed horrifically. So bad that you texted me.

58:21So, so sorry, mate. Straight on my way to the airport. Yeah. I was in America for 24 hours. I've ruined your good name. You worked so hard to build this. And now I've ruined it. I've dragged it through the mud. And I said, fuck, I wish I had my money back. Yeah, yeah, you did. So then I text Egot, and I'm like, oh, sorry about my guy. He said he bombed. And he was like, well, many people in the room would agree with that. I thought he was delighted. He said my set was cute.

58:53Brian Redban:Oh, that's a ringing endorsement. But we say the C word quite a lot. You'd have to beep it out. Every second line, because you're performing to miners. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, in Perth you are. They're all underground. Miners don't really understand. You know, they've seen... What? Where are these miners at that you think they're out there? What, underage people or the miners? I don't know. You tell me. You said it. Mining people that go down the hole. Right. Do you know, they're pretty dumb. You just got to do sounds and movement. Still don't know which one you're talking about. Yeah, I don't...

59:21Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, okay. Now I got it, for sure. That's comedy in Perth. I love it. I kill over there, you fucks. Catchphrase. How many other shirts like that do you have? What's this? I'll say it slower in English. Sorry, ma 'am. What's going on? How many other shirts like that do you have? I like your shirt. I've only got one shirt. I lost everything, I told you. Perfect. It's good for me. I'm sleeping in this. I'm living in this. I'm going to fucking get buried in this.

59:51Brian Redban:Let's be honest. Unbelievable. I love it. It's a great shirt. Great shirt. Thanks, mate. Absolutely. So how long are you in America for? I leave tomorrow, but I'm coming back, unfortunately, for you guys. When are you coming back? As soon as possible. But why are you leaving then? Oh, well, I've got to get the visa sorted. So it's in process. Oh. People are helping out. All right. She got a MasterCard. They take it 99 % of places.

1:00:18Brian Redban:Thank you so much for having me on. I think you're absolutely hilarious. Congratulations, Andrew Wolfe. Thank you very much. Amazing stuff. Here, take a big joke book with you. That'll help with your visa. Yes. Sell it in Perth. All right. Hell yeah. There he is. The great Andrew Wolfe. Between him... Oh, my God. The legend, Pauly Shore, has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Pauly, grab that mic. Oh, my God. The crowd goes wild. Sorry I'm late, dude. Sorry. You're good. You're here, buddy. Okay, I'm okay. Yeah. How's the show been going? Good? Yeah, fuck yeah. Cool. You're the third bipolar guy to come out tonight.

1:01:10Brian Redban:Well, I'm also bisexual, so that's good. Yeah. It's all happening. We love you, Pauly. What's going on, buddy? I don't know if you guys know this. Rob Schneider's the what, you said? Front runner for guest of the year. He's the front runner for guest of the year. Yeah. That's pretty fucking cool. Last year was Harlan Williams. Yeah. And next year's going to be fucking Adam Ray. No, the year before that was Adam Ray. The first guest of the year was Adam Ray. Second was Harlan Williams. Give it up for Red Band. What's up, bro? All right. These are friends. Good save. Good save, Goldberg. A friend of mine saw you yesterday.

1:01:43Were you at a convention yesterday? I was. I was hanging out with our friends down there. I was, yeah, down in...

1:01:49Brian Redban:What was the convention? Was it a 90s convention or something? Was Mario Lopez there? Was it a meet your heroes from the late 80s convention? You know, many years ago, Tony, I did several films that touched America's hearts. Yes, you are absolutely correct. I agree completely Elaine sit down So several years later Here we are It still resonates So that's why we go there The Jews called a mitzvah We give back Do you have something very heavy in that pocket? No it's just my iPhone bro When you say the Jews believe in giving back What exactly are you talking about? Careful Careful Polly Easy Easy.

1:02:42Easy.

1:02:42Brian Redban:You're talking about, like, if you slightly attack them, they give back a lot more than you did to them. Like... We mostly just give to other Jews. Right. Yeah, I think so. That's what I've noticed. All right. Well, I just wanted to say hello to everybody. Want to say what's up? Great to see you, Pauly. Pauly, we love you. Pauly, we love you. We love you, Pauly. Good yentif. Good yentif to everyone. Please, all. One more time for the legend, Pauly Shore. You never know who's gonna stick their head out. You are in Austin, Texas, the comedy capital of the world. I know a lot of people think it's Riyadh, Saudi Arabia right now.

1:03:17Brian Redban:I saw they called themselves the new comedy capital of the world on a post I saw today. Can you believe that? Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, thinks they just bought being the new comedy capital of the world. Never. We turned it down, if you're wondering. Red Van and I turned down a million bucks each instead of going to Saudi Arabia. And they tripled it. Yeah. We said no. They tripled the offer. We said no again. Because what's the point of fucking standing up for America every once in a while if you're going to sell out at the last second? Yeah. If anybody wants to donate, yeah, this guy gets it. Thank you.

1:04:01I, on the other hand, accept it, but I missed my flight.

1:04:06Brian Redban:It was a bus. You missed your bus. I missed my bus. Funny, we'll keep it in. All right. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, Frankie Magoo. Ba-na-ba-na-na-ba!

1:04:29You have no idea how much shit is on your MacBook Pro in which you haven't deleted yet. Whereas you think your iPhone, you can just delete the text and photos hide them. But when somebody that you've been with for, let's call it 15 years, opens that MacBook Pro and guesses that password, you have no fucking idea what you said to your mom 12 years ago. you were not jacked that that girlfriend of yours was coming home demeaning or not i would say the worst shit ever yeah we we were engaged uh after the ninth year called that off had a year and a half off it's the best year and a half of my entire fucking life We got back together because she saw how happy I was because it legitimately was the time of my life and We were together for four more years until she read the 15 years of my text messages and photos and that was that

1:05:43Brian Redban:All right Frankie McGoo ladies and gentlemen with one of the most what has to be one of the most one of the most one of the most how do I what do I say what would I call this one of the most silent receptions of the night your first comedian with absolute zero mental illness and you guys wonder how the golden ticket winners get the golden tickets I mean this is what happens when you were raised with two parents am I correct they were in your life the whole time still together yes I can tell no trauma whatsoever No, they hate one another. No childhood trauma at all? This is my first time at stand-up.

1:06:24Brian Redban:It's adorable. Okay, then you're okay. For sure. My original Instagram name was CrackerBrowKid55. Wow, amazing. So you've been watching this show for a long time? Day one. Day one, I love it. Well, you should have done a joke, Frankie. Yeah. But I love it. You decided to go with the true story. You took a chance. Pauly Shore and good gracious. Yeah, you're in it. What you got going on back there? It's amazing. What, are you saying you got lost in Pauly Shore's eyes and that's why you bombed? That's a fact. Whoa! Frankie, this is the first time we've had... Oh, D Madness is back, ladies and gentlemen.

1:06:58Brian Redban:Yeah, D Madness! Hey, D. So, Frankie, let's talk about it. It's your first time doing stand-up. Why did you not practice at an open mic or something like that? I've tried a few open mics around, but they've just been general, you know, eight to 15, 20 people crowds. And I moved to Austin four or five months ago. Did you stand up? No. Oh. No, I moved for work. Okay. What do you do for a living? Affordable housing, finance, development. So I, yeah, yeah. Wow. Okay. All right, guys. Well, I never said that I was good at comedy. It's okay. I love these people. We love you, Frankie. It's okay. It's all right.

1:07:41Brian Redban:Everybody's got to start somewhere, right? That's right. Tell us something interesting about your life that we might find funny. You have an unbelievably ridiculously powerful hairline. You have no childhood trauma. Your parents are together. There's nothing funny about you so far. But we're trying to find it. This is the part where I try to dig deep into your soul and figure out what might be funny about you. So help me to understand. What do you think might be something? You've watched a lot of the show. You've seen almost every episode. You know how this part works. give us some vulnerability or something because your hair is about to eat your eyebrows.

1:08:16Brian Redban:Your life is so perfect. You need this so not at all that there's just nothing happening. There was two comedians up here. Between the two of them, they had 15 personalities and you have zero. And yet you stand there just like they did, holding the same mic that they did. Help me find out what might be inside of there. What do you got? anything. I bet you just have a huge cock and everything, don't you? You got two laptops, a Costco card, and when you come, you say, good gracious, don't you? Exactly. I couldn't have said it better myself, Elaine. You fucking sexy girl. You earned yourself a titty grab.

1:08:56Brian Redban:That's right. Thank you. So, here's some character. I moved to Texas, to Austin, with a company in which... You gotta get to the point. You gotta fire it up. I moved here. There you go. I resigned from the company, and I've been living Airbnb to Airbnb scouring deals for the past, I don't know, six months. You work in affordable housing. Oh, no, no, no, no. So I am, as of right now, I manage rental houses that I accumulated through college. Uh-huh, yeah. And so... If you tell them to boo, they're definitely going to boo, by the way. Rule number one is don't tell them to boo. This is a lot more fucking action than I got earlier.

1:09:48Brian Redban:You like the boos rather than silence? Hell yeah, I'm looking at all these people with smug faces and they're like, boo. No, the problem is they were expecting jokes and that's why. It's not smug, it's confusion and disdain and anger. I asked you what might be funny about you and you start going on and on about how you're compiling Airbnbs in the city. Let's try a little harder to find out what might be funny about you. You ever sat on a whoopee cushion?

1:10:20Or an old lady's face? Yeah.

1:10:25When you were in college at Ole Miss, how many sorority girls did you kill? That's a good question. That's a great question. I would love to hear the answer to that. Hotty toddy, huh? Hotty toddy. That's so dangerously accurate Yeah, no shit Is it? The murder thing, I don't even think there was a murder at Ole Miss, was there? I don't know, you went to LSU Did you go to Ole Miss or LSU? I went to the University of Alabama

1:10:55Brian Redban:Boo! Well, again, don't say boo, that can't be your catchphrase, it's not a good idea I have a legit question Not a great catchphrase at all You don't want to keep doing that. Just make sure they... Let them initiate the booze. Yeah. You don't do that first. I have a legit question. So, comedy sometimes comes from laughing at yourself, right? So, is there something self-deprecating? When Tony asks you what's funny about you, you start telling your fucking Wikipedia page. Nobody gives a fuck. So, dig deep. Think about something that you've done. You go, God, that was embarrassing. But with a little perspective would be funny.

1:11:31Let me fucking finish. To strangers. You know what I'm saying? So what's something that you did that was embarrassing? Maybe you could go, oh, that's actually probably pretty funny to tell the stranger.

1:11:39Brian Redban:Understood. I just, hold on. I just realized right now that there's a pregnant woman in the front row, and I want to say that, Frankie, you might be worse than Tylenol for an unborn baby. Like, there's almost no doubt that that baby's going to be traumatized from this. If we listen closely enough, I think you hear it. Boo-hoo-boo-hoo. Boo-hoo-hoo. I thought she was just queefing, but yeah.

1:12:09I'll show you a queef, Samuel. Oh, shit, let's do it. Put it up to there. Hit it! Red band, you better be ready for this. Here we go.

1:12:20Brian Redban:You're welcome. Very good, Red band. That'll be$16. All right, I'm going to try one more time. I can literally hear the internet right now going, why is this guy still on the fucking stage? I can hear it. I'm going to try one more time with you. Give us something, some type of vulnerability. What about your life or something about you might be funny? Again, you have to be a little bit quicker. If you give them a chance, they're going to do that. They hate you. They hate you. And I know what it's like. Look at me. I'm unlikable, too, but I figured out ways. I fought it. Tony, give that guy a joke book.

1:13:07Brian Redban:Pass it back. He's right behind you. There you go. There's a little joke book. You have to write you suck dick on the first page, though, because that is your big break. You should do that. That's what you should do. Do more of that. That would be great. Thank you. Get him back. Attack him. The guy that said you suck dick, what do you have to say to him? Come on. Don't think about it. Just go. Let it rip. Come on. Get him. Hurry up, say something, motherfucker. Jesus Christ. God damn it, dude. This is unbelievable. Hey, motherfucker, I'm going to buy your house because I'm a rich white guy who gets away with everything.

1:13:44Yeah. I've never, I've never, I've never known pain in my entire life. I roll through life with perfect teeth and skin that a woman would kill for. I don't need this shit from you, pig. This is it. Get in there. Dude, fucking say it.

1:14:07Brian Redban:I'm a B. I got it. Okay, listen. What I have to say. Say something. Fuck you. No.

1:14:22Fucking A. You know, you know.

1:14:29Jesus. Give me for smoking the guy from New York's weed. Oh, now you're high? Wait a minute. Boo! Who would ever be high on this show? I also just want to point out, you do have, like, female scratch struggle lines on your hands. I just spent a 25-day outdoor solo trip in Idaho archery elk country.

1:14:58Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Everything about you. But listen to me. Because there is a fucking silver lining here. And I know you're used to a silver spoon. Which is different. But listen to me. If you're serious about this at all. At all. Take the major note that Sam Talent just gave. If you're going to be the heel. Motherfucker lean into it. Be that guy. Go I will buy your fucking. Be that. Be you. Because it seems like that's who you are. You're not silly silly joke guy. You're not Dex with one-liners. You're not Medina relating to what it's like being that type of person. You're you. So if you're a guy with money that's all about business, well, that is what you are.

1:15:41Brian Redban:Well, then what are you? That's just what I dressed like the unibom. Okay, I'm getting you out. I got to get you out of here. I love you, bud. I can't stand it. There you go. Good luck. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. Good luck. Salute, indeed. Put the mic in the mic stand. Tony would love to have you on. It's Tony Hinchcliffe and Fringe show coming up.

1:16:03Red man, red man, red man, red man, red man, red man, red man, red man. That guy sucked. Yeah. Yeah. He was also the scariest one, dude. I was right fucking here for Jedi Date Rapist. Yeah. He didn't have any punchlines, but his creepy disposition was awful. We gave him every fucking chance. What do you want?

1:16:28Brian Redban:All right. I kissed Elaine to save his fucking set. But I've never been more alive. Mike, get over here.

1:16:42D Madness, you would hate this. What the fuck? Give me some of that.

1:16:50Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Who can play your gay game, Samuel? This show is out of control, ladies and gentlemen. And back to the bucket we go. All right. This is a fun one, ladies and gentlemen. This guy just moved to Austin very recently, a couple months ago. I do believe he's been signing up for a while. He used to work at the comedy store. This should be fun. Make some noise for a minute from Fang Chow, ladies and gentlemen.

1:17:28Stop it. That's not my language. I speak English, okay? Let's go. In the middle of the pandemic, people start to hate Asians in this country. A lot of bitch-ass Asians were scared. My Chinese mother was one of them. she called me up she goes hey feng chow don't go outside it's dangerous i'm like mom don't be a little bitch i'm not afraid of being asian as a matter of fact i've never been so proud of being chinese because chinese people make number one virus kill everybody

1:18:25Should have been everyone laughing. If you didn't laugh, you might be the problem that this country's failing. I'm gonna call China after the show. I'll get China on the phone. I'll be like, yo, assholes.

1:18:45Upgrade our virus. Thank you.

1:18:51Brian Redban:Fang Chao, the pride of Beijing, China, and Los Angeles, California, and now Austin, Texas. Welcome to the show, Fang Chao. Yes, sir. You've been my Chinese friend for a while. When did you start at the Comedy Store?

1:19:11Brian Redban:This is the real Fang Chao. Yeah, I've been Tony's friend for a while, yeah. No, you're a Chinese friend. I asked you a question. When did you start at the Comedy Store? 2015. 2015. Yeah. Amazing. And it is true. In 2021, there was this big Asian hate thing. You remember this? Yeah. Yeah. I do. Yeah. And that's what you're talking about. So interesting because there really wasn't Asian hate, as you remember, but the media kept saying that for some reason. The liberal controlled media kept repeating it so many times over and over again. And when they repeat something over and over and over again, people react to it.

1:19:49Brian Redban:And eventually, it became a thing, that Asian hate was a thing. You know. But you're here saying that it wasn't a real thing, right? Whatever. I'm just being Asian. I'm not afraid. Hate me. Yeah. Well, I think that it's fair to say that America's healing when you see a Chinese guy doing Shane Gillis' arm. So I like that. Okay. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you, Sam. What's Shane Gillis' arm? When you stand like this behind your back, like every typically white guy does on stage now. Really? Oh, yeah. That Shane thing? Bargatze does it. I thought this was a Shane thing. Yeah, that is too. The hand. And then this.

1:20:24Brian Redban:What does he have? Everything? What are we supposed to do with this extra hand? I don't know. Everything's a Shane thing now? He does this. Yeah. Oop. Oop. Brr. You know? Comedy. Yeah. That's Shane Gillis too, right? Elaine, you're so good at impressions. Feng Chow, how's Texas been treating you? Good. Tell us about it. Very good. I love the people here. I love the people, the food. Comedy is here. It's the Mecca. That's why I'm here. You been to Bucky yet?

1:20:59I'm a real comedian, yes. Yes. Love it. Absolutely. Yeah. I love it. Chopped cheese there is really good.

1:21:06Brian Redban:Gummy berry is very good. Uh-huh. Have you tried the Texas cheesesteak burrito by any chance? That's my go-to. It's unbelievable. Very good. Yummy. Mm-hmm.

1:21:20Brian Redban:No doubt about it. What else is going on, Feng Chow? You got a girlfriend? What's going on? I do. I do. I do. Tell us about it. I do. Beautiful lady. I got a beautiful lady. Smart. Smarter than me. Okay. I'm not afraid of smarter ladies in my life. I'm an idiot, right? I barely speak the language. I need someone to guide my life. Oh, lady. Okay. Very politically correct answers I'm getting from you. Anything crazy about your life that you want to share with the people out here? Crazy? Oh, bird flu.

1:21:58Yeah, okay. Yeah, watch out. Three people died in the front row. I'm not sorry. Your immune system is not my fucking problem. Anything crazy? I got stabbed during Asian hate. There you go.

1:22:18Brian Redban:Let's talk about that. That's kind of crazy. Let's talk about that. What exactly happened? You were at a sushi restaurant and a knife fell down? What happened exactly? Tell us about this Asian hate. I got stabbed by a next door neighbor. Okay, for what? For being Chinese. Okay, can you paint the picture a little bit for us there, super victim?

1:22:42Okay, that's fair.

1:22:48Brian Redban:So what exactly happened? You're welcome for the laughs. They just came into your place and just go, you're trying to... No, it's my next-door neighbor in the middle of the pandemic. We used to be cool. We used to be cool, and then he used to start hating Chinese people. Xi? He. Okay, so when you got stabbed... Yeah. Tell us about that. I came home from like a hike and then I was walking to my door and I was talking to a lady next door to ask her to come to the store watch me do stand up trying to fuck. The comedy store. You were flirting with the lady. Yeah, yeah. Thick always hard. Different color than yours but always hard.

1:23:28Fuck yeah. Yeah. Let's go. Plenty of jizz. You didn't have to do the five inch punch.

1:23:35Brian Redban:Just excited. God. Yeah. I want to hear about this stabbing. So you're talking to a woman, and then the guy... And then the guy's kitchen window is facing that lady's door. And then I turn around, I'd heard him say, fucking Chinese. And then I'm like, all right, no big deal. I've known this guy for a while. And then I came back on this side of the building. He lives in the back. And then I was walking to my door, and he came out with a chair and something shiny. It was like evening time. I don't know for sure it's a knife. He threw the chair at me and didn't hit me because I'm fast, right? Right.

1:24:13I got hit by a chair. Fucking rock star. Uh-huh. And then I was like, what the fuck is this about? And he's like, you know what this is about. And he was already charging at me. White guy? Yeah, white guy. Really? Yeah. And then he's like, you know exactly what this is about. And he was already in my face. And then I got to take a couple of stabs on my chest. Uh-huh. Did you know you're... I'm alive. It's not that scary. Okay? I got it. I got it.

1:24:43Brian Redban:I'm here. Were you ever attacked for being Chinese before this? No. And you haven't been attacked since? I'm usually the attacker. I understand. People like to talk shit in this world. I understand. Fucking beat their ass. So do you think that... Do you think that it's a coincidence that that happened then? or do you think that perhaps the media saying that there's Asian hate could create more Asian? The media saying Asian hate is not good for Asian. It's not good for sure. Right. Exactly. They can cause a lot of the violence in the country, for example. For sure. They want to fucking brainwash all the people in the country and then they're just like oh yeah, you listen to me.

1:25:29I'm like no. Because before that it was mostly what? The Ninja Turtles? That was based on a true story, you know? Yeah, yeah. New York in the 80s was nuts. You were there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Where did you get stabbed? On my chest. They're like right here. I got three stabs. Three stabs. Lucky. And then I was like lucky enough. I was fighting him, and I got him under control, and there were a couple comics living in my building. I was just yelling. Then they came out. But three is good luck in your culture, right? Yeah. Six is good. Oh, sorry. Times two, three times two. Right, right, right. Yeah, I'll do the number joke.

1:26:08What was your move? It was the year of the rabbit, so he had a good luck charm, you know? Foot. Yeah. So is the guy in prison? He did. It was because of the pandemic. Like, LA County Jail is not holding anybody for that time. Yeah, they didn't even prosecute the guy, right?

1:26:29Brian Redban:No. Los Angeles, California, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. What a shit city. Yes, indeed. Well, it's a state, but we'll move on from this. Is there something about your defense mechanism? Like, you said you fought back, but I don't want to say you're a bad fighter, because I've seen you fight online. You're very good. But what was your move? What was your first move? No, I was just trying to wrestle him out of my way. Like, he was already, like, stabbing me. Like, I can't... No kung fu? No, like... Okay, that's not racist. I've seen him do kung fu on YouTube. Yeah, I was in the movies, right?

1:27:04Yeah. Did you forget? No, I was just trying to get him off me. I was just trying to... And I tricked him. And then he was on the ground. You tricked him? You tripped him. He was drunk, and then I kicked his leg. You tripped him? Yeah. You tricked him. You were like, hey, look at that, Psyche. Look at that Asian guy. Here, try this Coca-Cola.

1:27:27Brian Redban:More than one Asian. So I get Pepsi. Feng Chow, you're the fucking man. Very interesting stuff. I'm glad you moved to Texas. Welcome, welcome. Great stuff. I'm out of big joke books right now. We'll get you one later. The great Feng Chow, ladies and gentlemen.

1:27:47Brian Redban:All right. Very, very interesting. We're going to keep it moving along. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for Heidi, everybody. She has a brand new podcast, Love on the Line, with the other great beauty, Valerie Vaughn. They're interviewing people. It's fun. It's two hot chicks. Joe DeRosa was just on. David Lucas. Rampage Jackson. Love on the Line. If you like podcasts with fat tits, that's the show to listen to. Or you could watch Red Band do VR also if you like that. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Patrick Cassaday, ladies and gentlemen. Patrick Cassaday.

1:28:35Mothership, what is up? Happy to be here. Guys, I want to talk about an important issue that's going on in America. It's pretty controversial right now. You know what I'm talking about, right? Lesbian sex. These girls are doing it all wrong. I saw one with a strap-on on. The other girl was on her knees sucking it. And the girl that was standing there was like, oh, my God, it feels so good. And I couldn't help but laugh. I started laughing, right? And while you're coming is not the best time to laugh, guys. Wish I had a time machine. Speaking of time machines, segue. Why do people say if I had a time machine, I'd go back in time and I'd kill baby Hitler?

1:29:17That doesn't make any sense. I mean, why don't they just say, kidnap him and raise him right? I don't know. I think these people are lazy. I don't fucking know. Speaking of Hitler, guys, he might be in heaven. Yeah. Yeah, seriously. Because if you just ask Jesus to forgive your sins right before you die. Oh, that's my time, guys. Thanks.

1:29:42Brian Redban:Oh, shit. Damn. Patrick Cassaday, ladies and gentlemen. Patrick, how long have you been doing stand-up? About a year almost. About a year. Talking to the microphone, Patrick. I came out here last year to do the show for about nine weeks, and that's what got me into comedy after. This is your second time on the show? Yeah. Okay. What happened your first time on the show? What did we find out about you that's interesting? I came out here after my father passed away. Okay. What else? I came out here to do comedy, and you're like, yeah, because he didn't want to see you do comedy? And I was like, yeah, that was a good one.

1:30:15That was what you gave me.

1:30:17Brian Redban:Patrick, are you inebriated right now? Did you drink before this? Did you have a drink? No. You didn't? I had like a sip of a drink, but that's about it. You had a sip of a drink? My adrenaline's pumped right now. Your adrenaline's pumped right now. Have you been practicing? Have you been knowing? Yeah. Okay. A lot. Why don't you do another joke? Why don't you do another joke? Why don't you take a breath and do another joke? Do something else. Try something else. Redemption song. Anything else, Patrick. Here he is. Patrick Cassidy. Guys, anybody ever walk in on their parents, having sex when they were younger?

1:30:5027 times? I came out here last year. It was only 14 times. I need to get my new place, I think. All right, there you go. Yeah, that's better. And that's how it's done. They want to like you, you know?

1:31:09Brian Redban:Yeah. Patrick, tell us more about you. What have you been doing since the last time on the show? Well, my plan was to go back and sell my dad's mobile home and moved back out here to do comedy. I went back to Sacramento, and I had a big Kill Tony party with all my friends. They came, and about half an hour after the show aired, I got a call in the hospital, and my mom died. Oh, my God. So I know my comedy kills. Was your mom watching, perhaps? No, she was past that stage, but she'd heard all those jokes before, so... Well, that's good news. You went back to Sacramento to sell your dad's mobile home because he had just passed away.

1:31:50Brian Redban:You have a viewing party, and literally right after the party, you find out your mom passed away. I literally went from the biggest high to the lowest low you could possibly... What did your mom pass away from, exactly? Just heart failure. Red man.

1:32:12It feels like every time...

1:32:14Brian Redban:I think that's how he's gonna go folks it feels like every time you do this show something terrible happens Yeah, I'm kind of like I want to call everybody who makes it all right after this. Yeah. Yeah, or just stop doing this If I'm killing this good, I mean you are somewhat affable you've got special teams coach and Madden energy All right special Compliment do you have any kids or anything? No, no kids. That's good. Yes No one left to die after this viewing party. I got no one above me, no one below me. So it's like, why aren't I even here? Amazing. Cool. Do you have a girlfriend or something, Patrick?

1:32:51Brian Redban:No, I got an ex-wife. Okay. Of course. You're close with your ex-wife? Yeah, we're best friends. Oh, nice. Okay, well, maybe she'll die when this episode ends. What does she do for a living? She does insurance. What do you do for a living? Actually, I'm looking for a job if anybody's hiring. What are you good at? Grim reaping.

1:33:17How many funeral homes are hiring? Killing everyone he's ever loved. Tough on a resume. That was funny, Sam. Plug your Twitter. Actually, I saw Sam last night. I was sitting right there. Yeah, you were lovely. You were laughing really hard. I'm loathe to make fun of you.

1:33:36Brian Redban:What are you good at? Let's try to get you a job. What can you do? What do you have experience in? I used to manage a bunch of insurance offices. I owned my own brokerage. Was it life insurance? It was not. That would have been good, right? It would have been convenient. Yeah, for sure. I could have used an example. But no, I'm hoping to get a job in comedy. That's why I came out here. I'm in the same RV I was in last year. I towed it out here. Sold both mobile homes because I had to sell my mom's mobile home after she died. Wow. Shout out. She cost me a bunch of money. The funeral cost you a bunch of money?

1:34:14Brian Redban:Yeah, well, back-to-backs. Wasn't expecting that. Exactly. Kind of went out all on dads. Were they together still? No, they actually lived together, but they've been divorced for 50 years. Divorced for 50 years. Meanwhile, they passed away right near each other. Isn't that amazing? Was it a gas leak? They had separate mobile homes. Unless he's the one releasing the gas. Were there any pets around? You know how Gene Hackman and his wife died and the dog was there too and everybody thought the dog... I thought the dog did it. Did you ever hear about that? No. I didn't even know Gene Hackman was dead yet.

1:34:50What? Your life's just getting worse and worse. Sorry, Gene Hackman's dead, Forrest Gump fucks Jenny with AIDS, and Air Bud can play football.

1:34:59Brian Redban:Elaine, how do you know about all this? Google. Wow. Amazing. thing. I didn't know you knew how to Google. Oh, I've got Wi-Fi everywhere. Even in my pussy, Redman. Wow. Glass shattering. Stone cold just came out of your pussy. It's a stone cold pussy. God, I hope so. I'm cold did. Let's look at it. Let's play some optimism games here, Patrick. Yes. What type of job in comedy are you looking for? Because being a former insurance broker doesn't It doesn't help at all. I'm really looking to just get any entry-level job anywhere at a comedy club. Money's not just hemorrhaging out every month. How much money do you have left right now?

1:35:47Brian Redban:I've got about$15 ,000 left in the bank. $15 ,000 left in the bank. RV plus spot is like $1 ,600 a month. Your RV spot is$1 ,600 a month? I've got about$3 ,000 going out every month. Okay. All right. I spent about 300 bucks a month here. Yeah. It takes years. Wow. I do like that you're wearing a mothership. You're wearing the band shirt to the concert. This is the first one I bought online. Yeah, very tight. Very tight. What did you see last year? Way tighter. About 40 pounds lighter than it was last year. Mazel tov. Congrats, man. Say heavier? All right. This guy's excited for you. in the crowd that is taking control of the show, ladies and gentlemen.

1:36:34Brian Redban:Very good. Let's pay attention up here, guys. So, Patrick, any parting words before you leave? I love this place, man. Just keep doing it, Tony. Thank you very much. You keep doing it, buddy. Don't stop. Something's going to happen for you. I know it. I know it. Patrick Cassaday. Keep trying, Patrick. Take chances. You got to keep practicing so that you're less nervous next time. That's the trick. That's what you do it for. All right. Maybe don't do any crystal meth. That would be helpful. Yeah. Someone close to him is going to die. I just want you to know that. I don't think there's anyone left as that is.

1:37:07No, he said he's the only one. What's the fucking point? That was one of his fun asides he had. What did he say? He said, I don't know if he's the only one left. What's the fucking point?

1:37:18Brian Redban:Oh, shit. We're going to find out. There might be an RV for sale in the next couple months. This looks like a fun name. Looks like a new name. Make some noise for Big Chuck, everybody. Here comes Big Chuck.

1:37:36Hell yeah, dude. What's going on? I got a lot of inventions I've been working on lately. My latest invention is a new breakfast cereal. The working title is Oops! All Shrooms! I like to eat shrooms for breakfast, dude. It's pretty fun. Yeah, it's working out. I'm down a couple pounds, and I'm up a couple IQ points. So it's working, dude. Hell yeah. I eat shrooms for breakfast. It makes your day a little weird. You know, the other day I had shrooms for breakfast, forgot, ended up donating blood. I was like, oh, no, dude. My blood's supposed to be going to help sick people, but some cancer kid is going for a ride, dude.

1:38:30he's going to meet God a little sooner than he hoped. Thank you.

1:38:36Brian Redban:All right. 55 seconds of eating shrooms in the morning material, ladies and gentlemen. Chuck, welcome to the show. You're not as big as I was hoping you would be with the name Big Chuck. On this show, you're more of a medium. Thanks, buddy. Medium Chuck, welcome. How old are you? I'm 39. 39 you don't look a day under 55 it's incredible welcome welcome this is your first time on the show yes sir how long you been doing stand-up about two years a little under two years where at reno nevada wow you were expecting a big response there you're the best it gets electrocuted when he answers a question yeah like he's gonna levitate reno nevada yeah that makes what do you and punchlines you make up for in volumes, and that's fun.

1:39:23Thank you. There you go.

1:39:24Brian Redban:The biggest little comedian we've had on this show all day. So what do you do for work, Big Chuck? I do video and audio production. I'm about to get laid off, so I'm open to doing a Mexican drum-off for Red Band's job. No. Great. Red Band's job! There you go. All right. Big Chuck, you married? You have kids? Yeah, I'm married. I have a son. He's eight years old and I have a dog too. What's his name? The dog or the son? Either one. Uh, my... Okay, Goose. Okay, what's the dog's name? You scream everything and there's such an agi-climatic silence after. I imagine us going out later and you're like, we're going to another bar!

1:40:15Fuck! I love you.

1:40:18Brian Redban:Keep going. What's the son's name? I love the great beard. It looks like you went down on a lane before the show. Yeah, dude. Play your cards right. Must be why your breath smells like Red Bull right now. Too soon. All right. Okay, here's a little joke book. Thank you. Congratulations. Great job. Big Chuck, everybody. Big Chuck. That's a very, very interesting backside of the show. The B side of this show is very interesting. Well, this name looks promising. Make some noise for Matthew Coffin, everybody. Coffin.

1:41:06I've got a major issue with people not getting fucking words right anymore these days. I was watching Van Jones do this interview with these four black folks that voted for Trump. And one of the gentlemen said, I like him because he's an asshole. He says what he means and he means what he says. And I'm like, that's not what a fucking asshole is. We had a beautiful movie that came out years ago called Team America World Police, made by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, that told us the difference between a dick and a pussy and an asshole. Pussy wants to bitch and complain about everything and make everybody miserable.

1:41:37An asshole wants to shit all over everything and ruin everybody's fucking lives and day. but then you have the dicks who are willing to stand up and do the right fucking thing no matter what no matter people like it or not and pussies and assholes hate dicks because dicks fuck pussies and assholes and donald john trump is the dick we hired to fuck the pussies and assholes and i love love love what he's doing with the oval office he's turning that shit into a modern day fucking piper's pit and i love it i'm just waiting for the day one of these world leaders mouths off to him and he says, that's interesting.

1:42:08Can you look over there for me? And while they're bent over looking the other way, he turns over and picks up a fire extinguisher and shoves it up the guy's ass and says...

1:42:16Brian Redban:All right there. Matthew Coffin. A very interesting rally speech you just gave. Let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand-up? July. July. Okay, good answer. Where are you from? I was kind of... Delaware, sir. Delaware. Delaware, do you know your state representative? Sadly. You do? You probably don't like the... We always say, yo, he's from Pennsylvania. He's not from fucking Delaware. Who's that? Biden. Yeah, we're talking about, you know, a lady named Medina? Medina? No, no. She's probably on a list you have.

1:43:01Brian Redban:All right, look at that. You see that red band? Look at that little doggie up there. Yeah. That's adorable. That's what makes you likeable. That's how you get the victims closer to you. Amazing. What do you do for work? I just, I've had 48 jobs since I was a kid, and I just picked up doorman work over here. Doorman at Shakespeare's. Okay, how long you been doing that? Just a few weeks now. Nice. What's the dog's name? Look at that little cutie. This is Lucius Fox. Oh, my goodness gracious. Isn't that adorable? I don't know what I do. How long have you had her for? he is the ad.a.p ew what the fuck welcome back to don't do that again

1:43:47my god how dare you misgender my dog I'm gonna touch his penis yeah and then expose it to the whole crowd and cameras it's always a smart move to bring a cute distraction on stage yeah that's good and then never address it yeah that's fun he just goes wherever I go I love that. His bed's my bed. It's been quite a journey.

1:44:07Brian Redban:He works with you at Shakespeare's? Yep, he works the front door with me. I love it. There are wonderful people over there. Yes, they are. They really are. We love Shakespeare's. Okay, so tell us about your life, Matthew. Tell us some crazy shit about yourself. Well, that's what I was wondering, where you wanted to start. And I was like, well, I guess the beginning is the best bet. I cracked my head open and ripped my lip off my face before I had heart surgery at two years old. Wow. Okay. I was right. Scars to prove it. Sorry, sir. That's crazy. Ma 'am. Elaine, go ahead. It's fine. Don't misgender Elaine.

1:44:42Or I'll touch her pussy.

1:44:45Brian Redban:What was the heart surgery for? What was the condition? It was a birth defect. And it was funny because my biological dad was on the phone with my mom while she was pregnant with me. And he said, oh, nobody in my family has any heart problems. And he hung up the phone. But basically, it was a blockage between the first and second chamber that made it so enough blood couldn't transfer through to the next chamber, and it was making my heart swell to where it could have exploded. But there was also a hole in my heart the size of a quarter in the fourth chamber, and it allowed enough blood to drain out of it so it didn't explode.

1:45:16Wait, did the doctor say that if you don't get this done with, your son is going to explode? It's pretty bad. There was actually another girl, a little Indian mother and her child were in there and had the same condition as me, and she didn't make it. My mom had to console the lady. rough but it was kind of kind of spike in the football huh and i don't and i don't actually i don't actually have this memory but my mom told me very explicitly like it's been a pretty emotional couple months but she had to explain to me she was like yeah you've always liked wrestling she was like you had this fucking iv thing in your neck in the lobby and i said look honey hulk hogan's on tv and she said i turned my head so fast the iv popped out of my neck and blood's just squirting out on the floor and people are cleaning it up and i'm just like hulk hogan You know, a lot of people have a different idea of a fun story than I do.

1:46:04Everyone who comes up here is like, oh, here's a fun anecdote I tell at dinner parties. There was blood everywhere.

1:46:10Brian Redban:Tell us about your adult life. Anything crazy happen then? Well, if you want to move a little further, you want to skip to my virginity when the girl ran away from Colorado on a greyhound to come see me in Delaware and her dad got there before she did? Yes. Okay, what did dad do? when he got there. Oh, he was like, he saw me working at the shave ice stand getting ready to make some milkshakes and shit, and he was like, oh, I see you're a nice-looking young gentleman. I can see why she came out here for you. Like, it was actually pretty cool. They were Buddhist. They were actually very, like, peace-praying, humble-bumble, like, Buddha-Buddhists.

1:46:41So did you end up fucking the girl? Yeah, that night. All right. Dad? And I earned my red mustache and red wings on the first time. Okay, see what I mean? Jesus Christ. What the fuck? This is what I'm talking about. Yeah.

1:46:55Brian Redban:My goodness. At least... I have a question. Why is your tongue bright blue? Can you stick your tongue out and expose why the fuck your tongue is bright blue? It's true. Has no one seen that? Well, Joe Rogan and you guys had to make a mecca for maniacs, and then Alex Jones got us all hooked on methylene blue, and now here we all are. Sure that's not fruit-striped gum? That's from... Wait, don't... Maybe this is a Veruca salt thing. You're turning violet, Violet. That's my favorite scene in that movie. Yeah. Well, didn't she also almost explode? Whoa. You don't happen to love blueberries, do you?

1:47:34Boom, boom, boom. It's okay. We'll edit this out. I thought Tony said something. I didn't hear you. I'm sorry. It's fine.

1:47:42Brian Redban:No, I didn't get a chance to. Snap. Okay. So let's talk about now. What are your goals now? Well, I think it's... You're working at Shakespeare's. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's a hard hat. For those of you that don't know. I've had 48 jobs since I was a kid. There's a shell inside of his baseball hat that is hard because of the trauma to your head? Yeah. I was actually wearing this. I worked at the last job I had in Delaware, like job 45 or whatever, was a union job. And I was up on the mezzanine, so a floor between the floor. And I was up near the steel girders. The conveyor belt jammed. I got up on the conveyor belt, unjammed it, released it.

1:48:23Now I'm on a moving conveyor belt. It ran the back of my head into a steel girder. I knocked me cross-eyed. I started throwing up and stuff. Like, it was pretty wild. And the methylene blue, actually, not the, like, hey, but it actually kind of helped with the post-concussive syndrome. Absolutely. Sam Talent. Do you have any stories that don't involve a traumatic wound? Yeah. Like, you ever had a nice sandwich? I used to. You ever been in Knott's BerryCon? I've had my time, my little bit of time of hanging out and getting to know some people. I was trained by Van Hammer and Dan McDevitt, Corporal Punishment, and I trained as a professional wrestler starting at the age of 14.

1:48:57Okay. And how bad did you get hurt? Huh? Did you fucking cut a toe off and there was blood everywhere? There's some scars from that and stuff and some head trauma and stuff, but mostly probably emotional damage. But, you know, it was my fault. I burned bridges and screwed things up. But I was a kid. I was young and young. Check in with Elaine here. I have a great question. I just won't be wasting anyone's time. You talk fast and you're somewhat articulate for being such a fucking spazoid. I'm sorry. No, you're very likable. No, you're likable, and I'm sorry you've been through what you've been through.

1:49:24We get to just fuck around and make poo-poo jokes, and you've been through some shit doing real jobs. So thank you for your service. But also, you said 48 jobs. Could you name all 48? Nope, he can't.

1:49:35Brian Redban:Here's a little joke book. There you go, buddy. There he goes. Matthew Coffin, everybody. Not tonight, but could he if somebody asked him to? No, he can't. He can't. Not tonight. No. How about one more time for Lucius Fox, ladies and gentlemen. Lucius. Adorable dog. All right, one more bucket pool. We know this guy. He's hilarious. He works here. Make some noise for Lock Hoger, everybody. Lock Hoger.

1:50:03Yo, yo, yo. All right. So I meditate a lot, you guys. So here are some thoughts I've had while meditating. Do real plants look at fake plants and think, why is this nigga not breathing?

1:50:24Yeah, here's another thought. It seems like a waste of earth to bury midgets six feet deep. Like six feet? Bury that little nigga in a mailbox or something. Yeah, I've also noticed that job interviewers will ask you, what's your biggest weakness? than be surprised when you say big titties. It's like, come on, you ass. Humongo mommy milkers are my biggest weakness. All right, there's a lot of white people in here.

1:51:06Brian Redban:Exactly one minute from the great Locke Hoger. Thank you. Always amazing, always impressive. so glad we got you out of the bucket it's been refreshing yes very amazing how's it going Law? cool man just you know trying not to go crazy you know what I'm saying why what's going on? what's happening in your world? bitches just fucking with me man let's talk about the hoes yeah bro what are they doing? they behaving badly? yeah a bunch of misbehaving hoes? misbehaving bitches bro Misbehaving bitches. I don't get it, man. Tell us about it. I just keep running into, uh, like, non-monogamous, like, polyamorous bitches.

1:51:53Brian Redban:Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yes. You mean... Whores. Right, yes. Absolutely. How do you keep running into them? I'm a whore, man. I love it. I love it. I be trying to fuck. What? That's right. Shut your bitch ass. Oh, my God. He said real recognize real. Just an old white text. Hey, my friend. Hey, time for me to connect with one of the homies. Real recognize real. This fucking guy. That was crazy. I didn't see him until you moved. Crazy. That's Freddie Magoo's dad.

1:52:36Brian Redban:Tell us about it. What's up with these polyamorous fucking pot pies out there? Tell us about it. Pot Pies is crazy. Yep. Jesus Christ. Warm on the inside, crusty on the outside. Whoa. I don't know. I'm just riffing. It's no big deal, people. Describing my love life. I love Pot Pie. Pot Pies is, yeah. Yeah, it's just a lot of it, man. Just going on dates. You know, I fall in love after the first fuck. Yeah. And, um. Go on. Just me? All right, whatever. No, man. real respects real. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Oh, he's putting up the one fist now, everybody. The white guy. Oh, two fists. Oh, the double jerk-off.

1:53:24Love him a pie pie. Yeah, Elaine, go ahead. What is the oldest hoe that you've been with? There you go. Right now, 46. Oh, I got news. You're looking to break that record? 77. You want to let me put my Ouija board on your chocolate slip and slide?

1:53:43Brian Redban:Hey, man, I'll try anything once. Are you into women with big hands and an unbelievable amount of arm hair? Look at this. Shit. I was told specifically you wouldn't do that tonight. Adam Egan assured me you would not pull my left sleeve up that far. I mean, it is a lot of arm hair. I eat my vitamins. Elaine, do you tie a lot of knots? Huh? Your forearms are huge. Yeah, what kind of workouts are you doing? Your shoulders are massive. Shredded. Pickleball. Mind your own fucking business. Power knitting. Law, where can people find you? You are truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

1:54:27Brian Redban:Give yourself a little plug. What's your Instagram or website or podcast or anything? Go ahead. Yeah, Instagram is deadpanlaw on Instagram. YouTube, Law Cogart, Deadpan Law. You know what I mean? Yep. Well, which one is it? Deadpan Law. Deadpan Law. D-E-A-D-P-A-N-L-A-W. They got that part, yep. I'll be back on the secret show Thursday, Law. Boom. Back on the secret show. You already have a big joke book? You want another one? Boom. There's Law. Law, everybody. Boom. Appreciate it. What an episode indeed. There were so many different levels, so many highs and lows and personalities. and traumatizing stories and some people with no trauma at all.

1:55:13Brian Redban:It's been a very compelling episode and for me there's only one way to end an episode like this and that is with who some people call the Cubano Killer, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Plastic Puppet, the Duke of Dietary ladies and gentlemen this is the big red machine william montgomery

1:55:57i met a guy at the airport who told me he used to do comedy and i said oh were you pretty good and he said, yeah, I almost went viral. Wait, how do you almost go viral? That's like me saying I almost got AIDS. Pro tip, when you get off a plane and walk out of the gate and the people are staring at you waiting to get on, say loudly into your phone, I've never seen so many spiders on a plane in my life.

1:56:29A Princeton grad student has been released from Iraq after 900 days in captivity. Damn, how long was that thesis?

1:56:42Growing up, I was told I should be a doctor because my handwriting was so bad. And signing settlement checks to harass nurses. I was like a motherfucking nasty Dugger E. Houser. Duker has okay

1:56:56Brian Redban:That's my time Exactly one minute for the man with the most appearances on the show, the most interviews on the show, the living reigning defending Hall of Famer who just keeps adding on to his resume William Lights Out Thunderfuck Montgomery Absolutely incredible How are you? So nice to be here, Tony I'm having the best time and I'm so excited to see you. It always brings me an incredible amount of joy. You're so sweet. Stop. Absolutely. William, tell us about your life. How's it going? Oh my gosh. I was in Tacoma this past weekend. It was a whole bunch of fun. And Tony, it made me realize I have a joke that I've been telling now for a while.

1:57:38Unless atheists start having potluck dinners, I think I'll stick with Christianity. And it got a weird kind of response in the crowd. And I was like, what do we have a bunch of fucking atheists in the crowd? And this one girl especially was very loud and I got into this very long discussion with her. Luckily, people were laughing the whole time, but I was just telling her, I mean, you don't really know. I don't really know. It's a leap of faith you have to take. I mean, why are you going for this horrible dark part? Why would you want to maybe go to hell? That seems so incredibly foolish of you.

1:58:08And I just kept on. So it made me think I maybe need to get into preaching, Tony. I think I've maybe, I think the Lord has been tugging at my heart. Yeah. And I think I might have to do that.

1:58:18Brian Redban:No doubt about it. It happens. You know, It's good for people to find something to believe in. And I just want to try to save Red Band at some point, because that guy's soul is so incredibly lost with his weird little glasses. What do you like to record on that, Red Band? I see you've got the little glasses, the record shit. Yeah. A bunch of bathrooms, probably bathrooms. Put the glasses in. Yeah, fucking put your face in the fucking part of the stall. You can see the girls changing. That's what you told me the other day, dumbass. Yeah, brother. Why are you acting like an idiot? Yeah, he's looking at fucking naked chicks in the mall changing.

1:58:53He's nasty. Yeah, dude, you're going to get sued. You're going to get in trouble. Is this true? You've been going to the mall, Red Band? He's going to get sued. Yeah, he's been going to the fucking mall down the street.

1:59:02Brian Redban:Straying away from the Orange Julius at the mall? Come to mention it, I do remember changing in the Nordstrom Rack and hearing a guy outside going... Sam Talent. Hey. Yeah. Hey, you look good. Well, you do too, Sam. I know, but what's going on? Seeing pictures, you look wonderful. Thanks, man. Right back at you. Look at these fucking arms. You look solid. I'm trying. I went over 1 ,200 fucking miles since January. You guys. Today, which that feels good. It is amazing. I'm looking at you two next to each other. You two both at some points looked just like a lot of the stories that we heard here tonight.

1:59:40Brian Redban:Multiple heart attacks, possibly right around the corner. Hopefully my wife does it to me, though. Yeah. That would be preferable. And there you are. You've lost, between the two of you, more weight than I am. And it's incredible. Yeah, I lost 60 pounds. Damn, that's wonderful. Thank you, man. That's great. William, tell us more about your life, man. This is incredible. The people want to know. It's a wet hand, buddy. That's a real wet hand. Yeah, I have a really wet, cold hand. For anybody who ever wondered about my hands, they're really cold and wet all the time. Do you feel it? I can actually see it glistening on that.

2:00:16Brian Redban:It is soaking wet. That is fucking wet. He's shaking hands. That's this horrible blister from the row machine. It's this nasty-looking... There's one of these on Redman's penis. Oh. Literally. Wow. I swear to God, look at that thing. Yeah, it looks like a weird... Do you see that? Yeah, I got something similar in between my thighs. I'll send you a link. William, you look like the ringmaster for a flea circus. Anybody ever tell you that? I love that. Have you been to the circus, though? because you seem like you go outside a lot, you go to fun stuff, but what do you do when you're on the road and you have some time to kill for yourself?

2:00:52I will walk around. I'll smoke some weed and listen to some music and walk around. I do that a lot. And there are people like, whoa, it's Pennywise. Yeah. Well, I have this sweet Australian person send me a hat with a whole face guard and everything, so I'm all face guarded up, and that helps with the sun. It also helps with nobody does that. No one. No one else alive does that. Yeah. It's a good signature look. But yeah, Tony, everything's fine.

2:01:22Brian Redban:You do seem a little extra moist tonight. Your hands are wet. I can see your armpits have a giant wet splotches. Dear God. Perhaps that is not the right shirt to wear when you're suffering from an unbelievable... Tony, it's been horrible. Like in Tacoma, my whole shirt, after one show, my whole shirt is soaked through with sweat because I think I sweat so much every day on the row machine that now I just sweat. The floodgates are open. So I think it's good. I think it adds sort of drama to what's going on up there. No doubt of the wet coming off. What are some other things that make you sweat in life, William?

2:01:53Oh, my gosh. Watching a good movie with a loved one? Wow.

2:02:00Brian Redban:What else, William? What makes you sweat in life? You're so close to me.

2:02:07Brian Redban:What makes William Montgomery sweat? The world wants to know. I'm getting in my ear. Yep, they want to know, what makes the great Billy Boy McGumballs sweat? What makes me sweat? Probably meet it, like maybe, probably meeting somebody for the first time. Wow. Yeah, that'll make me sweat every time. I think everyone thought it was going to be something big, including the horn section. It was just a normal human response. Yeah, you've been, like, talking to somebody or whatever, and you made it, and it's like, gosh, that would make me. Dude, I met Triple H and Stephanie McMahon this weekend. And I said to, because of Tony, was nice enough to send them to the shows, and I met Triple H, and I was like, man, my entire life, I've been a fan, it's lovely to meet you.

2:02:56And then to Stephanie McMahon, I said, my entire life.

2:03:03So I blew it, too, you know? It's scary meeting people. What the fuck does my entire life mean? Yeah, what were you thinking? I don't know, but I've been thinking about it since. Yeah, non-stop. My entire life. It's almost unbelievable. You did mess up. It's unfathomably stupid. I met Lark Voorhees at a Hudson News once. Oh, the Lark? Huge bitch. That's it. Not every story is going to crush tonight. William? Yeah. It is so good to see it. Does the sweating thing bother the fans, or do they take it as like a sign of like you're working hard for them? I don't know. Good question. I have no idea.

2:03:41That is a good question. What else makes you sweat, William? Maybe eating Cheetos in my bed at night. Yep. Ooh. I ate a bunch on Saturday. Wow. Because I'm trying to stay kind of slim for the Roman. You just want to sit on my lap, bro? I mean. I feel comfortable around you. I love you. Yeah, you're good. Well, I feel comfortable around you. I love being around you, man.

2:04:04Brian Redban:Why don't you do that? Why don't you sit on Sam's lap for a second? Elaine had a big announcement that she wanted to make. Elaine, you want to do it? I have a big announcement. First of all, how great was tonight's program? Was it not one of the best people? Well, I mean, we're not ending it yet. I know. You don't want to do that because people watching might turn it off right now before you make that big announcement. I just wanted to give a shout out. My big announcement is... I'll end the show when it's over. I just wanted to say... You seem very hosty. Has anyone ever told you that? Seems like you do a lot of hosting of your own shows.

2:04:30Brian Redban:Like I mean I see this like Dr. Phil show Very popular on YouTube On Netflix It almost seems like you're kind of like that guy

2:04:42Brian Redban:Elaine why don't you make your big announcement My big announcement is I found my car keys I'm cancer free And William is having my baby And actually William William got me pregnant about Six weeks ago It was six weeks ago Six weeks ago and I have a little... Up in New York, up at the Big Waterfall. Up at the Big Waterfall. Are you guys talking about Niagara Falls? Yep. Amazing. Took her fucking ass up there. It was very nice. I was talking about sweating before something before I met your fucking ass. We did your favorite position? Yep, where I get up behind you in the bathtub. Yep. Oh, yeah.

2:05:22Which I suggested just regular up against the fridge, but all of a sudden we're buck naked in the tub, so tomato, tomato, Ray Romano. So it's happening So you're literally, you haven't told me about it I have a song that I wanted to sing to you That is something that's near and near to my heart Why don't you

2:05:38Brian Redban:Why don't you stand up and do it over there It's the song that I say when I first met you And if you know the words, sing along Hit me, Ben Slide down, Mike William, give her Give her your mic, William I'm going to take this one I'm going to take this one I got you, buddy There you go Ladies and gentlemen, the legend, Hall of Famer, Elaine, everybody. I've traveled the world. I've seen everything. Come on. But tonight will be the greatest night of my life. It has to be. Well, we've seen good jokes and bad jokes and Jews and blacks. And that fat guy almost had a heart attack tonight. But that's what you get.

2:06:36When you sign up for Kiltony, you try your best. You hope that on your side is luck. And if you strike him, go back home and call me for a teeny bug. Call me for a teeny bug. Everybody! Call me for a titty fuck Just Asian women Call me for a titty fuck Just a rogan Call me for a titty fuck Just a white man Call me for a titty fuck You have my number Call me bitch I'm in the bathtub Call me for a titty fuck

2:07:26And I'm so happy you're pregnant. I'm so happy you're pregnant. I'm going to give birth to a little clown.

2:07:33Brian Redban:Wow. Elaine, ladies and gentlemen. How about one more time for the great William Montgomery. This show brought to you by ExpressVPN, Shopify, and Bridesmaid. Sam Talent is going to Royal Oak, Michigan, Vermont, and Denver Comedy Works over Thanksgiving weekend. Sam? Yeah. Thank you. SamTalent.com. It's an honor. MikeFeeneyTalent.com. MikeFeeneyComedy.com. He's the co-host wanted host of Co-host Wanted. It's all over YouTube. He's going to Fort Worth, Texas, Maine. Get tickets at MikeFeeneyComedy.com. Elaine, what can I say? Plug yourself. Tell them all about what you're working on. Guys, my grandson, Adam Ray, is doing the final Dr.

2:08:18Phil Live in Los Angeles on December 16th. And then he just launched a huge theater tour for next January through April. Vegas, New York, Boston, Denver, Portland, Seattle, AdamRayComedy.com. I love you guys!

2:08:30Brian Redban:Support her grandson, AdamRayComedy.com. Literally one of the biggest stars to ever come out of this show. Dr. Bill, Elaine, Jeremy, Tony Hinchcliffe, Adam Ray, full of surprises. Your grandson is amazing. We love him. literally like the greatest thing to ever happen to the show. You're unbelievable. One more time for Elaine, everybody. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Whoa, Timmy, no breaks. Look out. Red band. Check out the sunsetstrip. ATX.com. Love you guys. Tickets. A few tickets are still available for the arena New Year's Eve here. So for those of you complaining that you can never get tickets to kill Tony, this is your only chance.

2:09:21Brian Redban:I'm also doing stand-up in an arena in Salt Lake City. What can go wrong in Utah in an arena? November 1st. Yikes. So much fun. We love you guys. God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Call me for a titty bar. Call me for a titty bar.

2:09:57Company book Yeah

2:10:36The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Thank you.

2:11:20Thank you.