#740 - FLUFFY + SAL VULCANO

21:01Brian Redban:I was just on a beach volleyball team. I never would have guessed beach volleyball. That's incredible. There's a ball involved. That's true. Sometimes it rolls into the water, it gets wet. You're playing with wet balls all over again. Mike, anything crazy about your family, your history, your childhood? Anything that you think makes you different than everybody else in the world? I was an oldest child, a middle child, and an only child. Okay. So you were an only child. And then there was a kid. My mom and my dad.

21:45Between my mom and my dad, I was the only child. My dad had two older kids before me. And then two younger. So I'm a middle child there. And then I was the oldest of my mom's kids. Wow. They were divorced when I was like a year old. Okay.

22:09Brian Redban:Fuck. Nothing to really go on. Not much to work with there. Let's check in with Romulus and Remus down there. Do you have any kids? No. Okay. That I know of. It's crazy that you don't have any kids because you have the face of an actual sperm. That's an amazing face. What's your love life like? You got a girlfriend chained up to a radiator right now somewhere? It's the last date you went on. What was that like? I haven't dated anybody in about seven or eight years. Why do you think that is exactly?

22:56Because I have HPV. Wow.

23:01Brian Redban:How do you get HPV from aggressively masturbating? That's what I do now. So let's talk about the HPV. How did you get it? Tell us about this magical night. This took a turn quickly. Yeah. I love it. I just keep digging until I find something extremely interesting, like an HPV breakout. You are the breakout star of the night so far. You have an HPV special coming out on HPV. All right. Yes. Yes. Do you remember the night that you got it? No. No, I don't know when I got it. There was a period where it could have been a number of dirty sluts. Wow, so it's amazing. Oh, dude. Yeah. I was just having empathy for you I was like, yeah, right?

24:05You thought something happened to him and then you realized you probably paid for that Sweet guy, you were honest you didn't have to share that and then you went just like a dirty slut did it to me

24:14Brian Redban:It's amazing you haven't been on a date six, seven, eight years or whatever you said and meanwhile you were such a dirty dirtball back in the day that you don't even know how you got it Yep Wow I grew up fat Like, I was... Me too. I was almost 400 pounds. Whoa, that's like a 4X. Yeah. It's actually a 5.

24:45Brian Redban:So what's it like? How often do you see like a breakout or something like that? What's it like? Is it on your balls, your penis? It's like a total cauliflower dick. Oh, my God. It's absolutely incredible. What does it smell like? Redband. Why would you say something like that? There's children watching around the world right now. That is a disgusting thing. What does it smell like? Have you ever smelled it? Have you ever, like, touched it? I don't really smell it, but Redband, if you really want to smell it, I might let you smell it. Wow. Redband's never been near any kind of cauliflower before, so this is very exciting.

25:23Brian Redban:He avoids vegetables at all costs. Are you saying it's you're broken out right now? You got it. You got it's not a breakout thing. It's just like always Wow, why I gave it off. Oh my god. It just looks like the Joker's face paint down there Do you know how I got this? Do you know how I got high cuz I don't know how I got this That is incredible. So have you ever like Have you ever like told a girl and she's like I'm down. I don't care. Yeah, my last girlfriend Wow tell us about her she was crazy though yeah last I heard she was serving a 12-year prison sentence for kidnap rape or not rape kidnap torture they like oh torture oh good okay thank God thank God whoo this almost got weird do you know what she did how did she kidnap and torture somebody.

26:23Brian Redban:You must have gotten the details. I don't know all the details, but what I heard was that they had somebody in, like, a dog kennel cage, and they were, like, beating them and throwing hot, like, boiling water on them and cutting them and stuff like that. Wow. I mean, we do that to Drew Nickens, like, once a month, but that's crazy that... This was well after she broke up with me. Yeah, what a bitch. Oh, my God. What the fuck does that do to your self-esteem?

26:56Brian Redban:Absolutely amazing. You got a little joke book last time you were on? I got a big one. Okay. Well, there you go. There he goes. He did it again. Mike Holloway, everybody. We're going to keep it moving. Wow. That woman's in prison with an HPV cauliflower pussy right now. Amazing. Imagine the lips on her. Wow. Red band. This episode is brought to you by Nick Talkspace and Quo. Make some noise for your third bucket pool of the night. It's Ernest Evans Sr., everybody. Hell yeah.

27:40Man, I just moved into a safe white neighborhood. I know lofty goals, white people. Thank you. But now my kids got white friends. And I can't say the shit that I normally say around my kids because they got white friends. I mean, I don't say the N-word a lot, but my friends, they use the N-word like Frank's Red Hot. They put that nigger on everything.

28:04So I'm taking my daughter and her little white friend to get some ice cream, you know what I'm saying, bumping some 2 Chainz. And my phone rings on Bluetooth. It's one of my army buddies. The first thing out of his mouth is, N***a! N***a! I'm like, hey, hold on, bro. Chill out. Chill out. I got a little white girl in the car. He like, oh, n***a, you kidnapping now? I'm like, no, bro, no. Shit. We just going to get some ice cream. Shit. Chill out. So meanwhile, I'm looking back in the rearview mirror. She looking at me smiling and shit like she in on the joke.

28:40I say, don't worry. She says, don't worry. My daddy says it all the time.

28:45Brian Redban:I'm like, oh, shit. I'm Ernest Evans. Fantastic. Ernest Evans Sr. Making his Kill Tony debut. Yeah. Welcome, Ernest Evans Sr. TNC, baby, what's up? What's up? Have you been on the show before? Yeah, about a year to this date. Matt Reif was the... Okay. Yeah, sir. Well, welcome back. I remember you now. Yeah, appreciate you. They say... Forget it. How's life been since your last time on good man? She had producing shows around here being funny trying to get in man HBO helper brother out. I love it HPV to HBO incredible Amazing Ernest remind us. What do you do for work man? I'm a veteran 22 years in the army, but now I work for the state Yes, sir, you work for the state yes, sir.

29:37What do you do for the state? I'm a management analyst what Process improvement specialist.

29:43Brian Redban:Process improvement specialist. Oh, now you know. Yeah, I know you got it, Wu-Tang. What is a process... Can you give us a third explanation? What is a process improvement specialist? So I just take all the processes that we do in the state and try to streamline them, make them efficient, make them better? You couldn't lead with that? Well, should I... I knew you knew. I didn't know. I don't like Sal. I don't know why he's working, though. he's fucking funny. I appreciate that, sir. You're funny. Thank you, sir. Yeah. Thank you. It's amazing. You are very funny. Thank you. The confidence is next level, too.

30:21I love this.

30:22Brian Redban:Yeah. People say I look like Jamie Foxx, so... I'm gonna make a deal with it, too, baby.

30:31It was pretty cool in a minute. It felt like a set in a minute. You had a beginning, a middle, and an end. That doesn't happen a lot, so it was nice to see something that well around it in a minute. Yeah. Well, thank you.

30:42Brian Redban:It is amazing. Ernest, what do you do for fun when you're not performing? Man, fish, shit. I'm trying to do this full time. I'm trying to quit my job, man. Shit. I'm trying to do all that. Okay. Yeah, so jokes, fish, chill with the kids, grandkids. Okay. You're a grandfather. I am. I got two grandkids. Wow. Look at you. Done a lot of shit. You look very young. The only reason I think you're older is because of the gray, but otherwise, you know, I guess That's it? Yeah. Black don't crack, right? It don't. It don't. Well, I got three gym memberships, so that shit better pan out. Well, you took mine.

31:20You can keep it. All right. You probably don't want this Planet Fitness. Why do you have three gym memberships? Well, CrossFit, got the YMCA, because I'm 45, got kids and shit. You know what I'm saying? And then LA Fitness. Okay. You already know he mess can they be all LA Fitness. La Fitness.

31:47Brian Redban:La Fitness. La Fitness.

31:53Brian Redban:Amazing stuff, Ernest. What exactly do you do at the YMCA? What's different at the Y that you don't have at LA Fitness? Free child care shit. Free child care? Free hell yeah, Tony. I don't understand. Explain that. I don't know. You'd be like, hey, take these kids. I take them and you go work out. Wow. That's awesome. I didn't know they had that. Yeah, for real. That's amazing. But I don't be at the gym, though. I go to the club and shit. Hell yeah. Go up the back. I'm streamlining processes. Hell yeah. Amazing. Hell yeah. Yeah, man. Wow. What's it like being a grandfather? Tell us about that.

32:42Man, it's lovely, bro.

32:43Brian Redban:Like. Because you're young for a grandfather. Yeah, I'm 45. I had a kid when I was young. So got my high school sweetheart pregnant at 18. Wow. Thought we was going to be together. Went to AIT. She was cheating on me and shit. So came back and I was like, damn, now I got to join the army. Man. So that's how it happened. It's a black woman? Nah, she white. She's a white woman. Nah, nah. And she was cheating on you? Like a motherfucker. How did you find out that she was cheating on you? How did you find out this white devil was cheating on her? Man, I came back home, man. She had hickeys and shit on her neck.

33:15I was like, oh, hell no.

33:18Brian Redban:Oh, hell no is right. Hey, somebody out here with their side chick right now, shit. Yep. Yep, this guy's going to murder her eventually. So she had hickeys on her neck, and you asked about it. Did she try to make up an excuse or anything? You know she did. Yeah, what did she say? What did this white bitch say? She said the baby was grabbing my neck. I said, you're a goddamn liar. The baby two days old ain't even that strong.

33:51What's that? Is that in your set? You ever talk about that on stage? You ever do that? That's right there. You should do that. I got it right now. I should? Yeah.

33:59Brian Redban:I love you. Ask the drummer. Hold on. Let me ask the drummer if I should put it in my set. No, in fact, I love you, but. My goodness. And did she end up admitting it? Did she end up coming clean that she was cheating on you, or did she lie down to the very end? Man, cheaters don't admit shit, bro. Yeah. Still admit it to this day. But we cool now, so. Right. Yeah. Until she see this. Right, yeah. Hell yeah. Until she see this shit. Ernest Evans, you got a big joke book last time you were on? I did, yes, sir. Did you already fill it up? I did. Well, here's another one, my friend. Boom. And Ernest, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

34:40Brian Redban:The Secret Show this Thursday. Ernest Evans Sr. being booked on a real comedy gig here in Austin, Texas. How fun. We're just going to keep flying right through it. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Pamela Galvez, everyone. Pamela Galvez.

35:15Hi, everybody. So, my boyfriend, he still goes to the pediatrician. This is a true story. I've been with him to the pediatrician twice. And his pediatrician used to see his little baby balls, and now he gets to see where he empties his balls.

35:39I know I'm fresh I usually like to ask people if you could be an animal which animal would you want to be if I could be an animal ladies I want to be a female seahorse because the female seahorse the guys they fight over her and then whoever wins takes her out on dates and then she nuts her eggs into his sack, and she leaves him pregnant with 500 babies. And she's out. So, like, the female seahorse, I'm out.

36:19Brian Redban:Wow. Pamela Galvez. I guess that was a comedy set. Something like that. Pamela, okay, let's talk about it. Hola. Hola. We both made the same face when she twerked, right? Yeah, we're both like, oh, that's a different show. Yeah. One way to get them laughing. What face was that? What face was that? Okay, all right, all right, all right. It does smell like a seahorse up here all of a sudden.

36:59Brian Redban:My goodness. Deep Madness is sensitive to smells. Pamela. Pamela, how long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Where at? All of it in Austin? Huh? All of it in Austin, Texas? Austin, Miami, New York, L.A., all everywhere. Oh, my goodness. The Bahamas. I even did a show in the Bahamas. Wow, incredible. Hope you got that. What? Hope you got that. Do you do it in so many places because the place you do it in won't have you back?

37:40I'm kidding. You're a firecracker. It's just, I'm intimidated. I am. Listen, I just wanted to say, you know, usually everybody say, oh, oh, my God, I just lost 25 pounds. Well, I just wanted to say, I've gained 35 pounds.

37:56Brian Redban:Wow. There's some fat people cheering for you out there. Let's celebrate weight gain. Okay. All right. I don't know what RFK Jr. would say about that, but... How do you do it? You're so proud of your weight gain. Tell us. What's your process? How exactly are you packing on the pounds? Eating, eating, eating, eating. Wow. I love that she looks right at me. Yeah. Yeah, I know how it works. I know how it works. Right, that's why you know. What exactly is... Are you eating, though? I know you're eating, but tell us what are some of your favorite snacks. Hello, this is Texas. I've been eating a lot of steak.

38:38The steak is so good.

38:39Brian Redban:It's not the steak that's sticking there. That's the straight protein. What type of carbs are you... Steak. Oh, God. Potatoes and steak, baby. Potatoes and steak. Lots of steak. Okay. Steak, steak, steak. I don't believe you. I think there's a lot of sweets in there and late night carbohydrates. That's my guess. Dulce de leche. A lot of dulce de leche. Okay. Again, Bad Bunny performing the Super Bowl halftime show. Yes, that's right, because Cam was there. You know, yeah. Right. Okie dokie. All right. Okay. What's your love life like, Pamela? It seems like you would annoy the absolute dickens out of a human being.

39:23Brian Redban:They would just... They would lie about having cauliflower dick just to get away from you.

39:33Brian Redban:Something tells me she's eating that cauliflower dick.

39:38Brian Redban:Only steak, steak, steak, steak, steak. Cauliflower has no carbs. Some carbs. Okay. It's got some fatness to it. It has some fatness to it. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Pamela, what's your love life like? You got a boyfriend? No. You date a lot? You on the apps? I'm just chilling like a villain, baby. Okay. Chilling like a villain. I feel like I'm inside a TikTok right now. Oh, my God. Are you a little drunk, Pamela? No, I'm just excited and nervous to be here. Okay. I was going to ask the same. Are you genuinely just sober right now? Yeah. I mean, I'd like some tequila, of course, but that's it. Oh, that's it.

40:24Brian Redban:Yeah, that doesn't even have alcohol in it. Tequila. Just a tiny bit of tequila. All right, Pamela. And you want to ejaculate into men and give them 500 babies? Yes, I want to get you pregnant. No. You pregnant. You pregnant. Hey, hey, aim that somewhere else. Get you pregnant. Aim it over there. Okay, you pregnant. We'll have blue-eyed babies. Yeah, let's do it. Come on. All right, Pamela. Want to have some Mexican babies? if I got you pregnant. There you go. We'll have a blind baby if I got you pregnant. All right, Pamela, over here. Pamela. Here, here's a little joke book. I'm gonna get you out of here before we get fucking...

41:04Brian Redban:Wow. There she goes. Pamela, Pamela, put the mic in the mic saying get the fuck out of here. Literally no one wants to see you dance. There she goes. Pamela Galvez, everybody. Jesus Christ almighty. All right, let's have some fun Hey, Tony. Yeah.

41:25I think I might be pregnant. She got me a couple times.

41:31Brian Redban:You might have to move up to a 5X after this. You might. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a regular here that is one of the biggest stars in all of comedy. Here with the brand new minute, future citizen of the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ari Matty!

42:12I had my first American Advil. Holy shit. First of all, I go to the pharmacy. There's Advil and Advil instant. Who the fuck has a migraine and sees those options and is like, I'll write this out for another 45.

42:44Dude, I put this Advil in my mouth and it tastes sweet. You guys put sugar on your medicine.

42:59You know the rest of the world doesn't do that. The miracle is enough. But only in America, even for those two seconds, when you're looking for that glass of water, even for those two seconds, can it not be the greatest country on earth, huh? Just, it's gotta be fucking, woo! Born in the USA!

43:32No wonder you guys are fat. You have sugar on your medicine. The government is trying to kill you. That's the American government. It fixes the migraine, but then slips you diabetes on the back end. boy you guys are fat dude i went to dunkin donuts for the first time oh dude whatever happened to a plain donut it was good enough in dunkin donuts just everything sprinkled grazed penetrated just just fucking here you go more sugar Dude, Dunkin Donuts has an early bird special. If you go to Dunkin Donuts between 7 and 8 a.m. and you buy a donut, you get the second one for free. Listen, if you start your day with a donut, the last thing you need is another donut.

44:44Thanks.

44:46Brian Redban:The great, the powerful, the Estonian assassin has done it again, Ari Matty. Wow. What time is that again? Sorry? What time between? 7 and 8. 7 and 8. 7 and 8.

45:06Brian Redban:Hilarious stuff, my friend. Absolutely incredible. Wow I never thought of that before about the sweet literally the painkiller sugar yeah yeah amazing you guys need to relax it is out of control dude it is out of you know why though right red man it's going your bloodstream faster sugar now you know that yeah any That's what you keep telling yourself. No, it actually helps... No, it helps the... He just sucks the candy part off the Advil and spits it out like a sunflower seed. Throws another one in his mouth. Ah, it's good for you. It's in Bloodstream. I love it, Ari. You are a huge fucking superstar.

45:57Brian Redban:You absolutely destroy everywhere you go. Tell us about life a little bit how's it going how's it evolving how's it changing what's going on being a rock star yeah it's good uh listen we need more in the kill tony fan group every time i go out it's all dudes great set great set dude i love your stuff and then they try to fix my joke they're always like yeah you should say you raped your sister at the end sure buddy we need matt rife we need Matt Rife on the panel every fucking night. Where's the bitch's hat? Where's the bitch's hat?

46:39Brian Redban:I mean, there's a lot of lovely ladies out here today. I mean, there's a lot of... Yeah, every chick here came with their boyfriend, and they don't like the show. Look at that one. Look how pretty that girl is with the hat and the mustache and the Adam's apple right there.

46:59Brian Redban:What's up, Kid Rock? that good to see you yeah sorry i mean you're out there on the road what's going on what else is happening uh that's crazy you've been anywhere fun what do you like where you've been just doing gigs riding my little bicycle around you know that's what i do i ride my little bicycle around you got a bicycle now yeah i don't have a driver's license so i got to do what i got to do Like an e-bike or regular bike? No, regular. Yeah, red band. This guy needs... Anything that's not pedal. It actually helps it get to the bloodstream. So you got a little 10-speed? You got a little 10-speed?

47:40I just take the hills on old school, dude.

47:50Wow. E-bike. By the way, I've seen two e-bikes at Redman's place. They got fucking spider shit all over it. There's a full civilization around his e-bikes. There's a Kill Tony happening on his e-bike right now. It's Avatar.

48:16There's a gay little cockroach going, unbelievable.

48:27Brian Redban:Those are some dusty e-bikes at Red Band's house. Even with an electric motor, you can't get his ass out on the fucking streets. No sun absorption. When's the last time you went on a little e-bike ride and pressed only motor and never touched the pedals? I can't use them because you can't park anywhere. That's why I don't use them. But I use, like, lime scooters every day. But I used it, like, two weeks ago. Oh, wow. Look at that. Where'd you go? I just ran my neighborhood and shit. Yeah, Carl's Jr.? I like the Goonies shit, like, let's go exploring. You know, to find dead bunnies. Pedals look at Brian like, sure.

49:13Brian Redban:You said there's nowhere to park your e-bike. That's why you don't go out. Yeah, like, I can't bring it here, you know. I can't bring it to most places because it's like people steal that shit. It's like a$6 ,000 bike. Yeah, you don't want it stolen. So you better not ever take it out anywhere. You just leave it in your apartment. You don't want it to get stolen. That's why you don't ride your bike. Duncan lets you park him. Duncan Donies, seven to eight, double donuts. Double your donuts. Where do you park your bike? Let's help Red Band out a little bit. Maybe we can get his fat ass out of the apartment.

49:52but it is it is a stress like I went to Trader Joe's the other day and then when I when you see the bike uh what are the what a steel the rack this guy knows the rack I always sometimes they're full so you try to pick uh because my bicycle is nice so I try to pick which bike to put my bike next to and i tried to tell a story of what this guy's lifestyle is like so i try to find like a nice bike to go with my nice bike and then dude like a week ago i come out and my bike is just hanging like all fucked up and i saw who that motherfucker it was an e-bike by the way this of course those e-bike people just took his bicycle left mine in the dirt i'm gonna find him i'm gonna go to trader joe's every day i'm gonna kill this mother because i'm obsessed about scratches dude they have like there's three new scratches on my bicycle dude i almost fucking rented a u-haul and drove through a fucking sabrina carpenter concert at acl feel my pain just fucking vapes and la boo-boos flying

51:12Brian Redban:Oh my god, so funny. Dude, ACL has a lot of these whores, dude. Oh yeah, it really is. And I'm 33, and when I look at young girls now, I don't want to fuck them anymore, I just want to raise them. Just tie a bitch down and yell at her like, dressed like this, huh? There's a breeze coming.

51:42Brian Redban:Did you partake in any of the ACL activities? Dude, fuck no. It's a pretentious fucking festival full of fucking fakes. Terrible lineups. Yeah, yeah, terrible. Get the fuck out of here. Sabrina Carpenter's shirt. I want to become a whore. Fuck off. Yeah, as we all know. The great Sabrina. Fuck out of here, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Outside in a porta potty,$400 tickets. Dude, it's$400, by the way. Crazy. Dude, if it's$400, fly me in with a helicopter, dude. Yeah. I'm not taking a shit in a portabody. Yeah. It is unbelievable. There's just nothing good. The lineups aren't good, and it's just a ton of people.

52:20Brian Redban:I went last year. Who did I see? Oh, the red hot chili peppers. No, no, that's fire. It was so mediocre. Huh. So mediocre. California, California. Oh, you have a personal vendetta. It's just a thing. vendetta they're old now too you know they're like real old real old yeah damn not so chilly anymore yeah red hot yeah i don't know i didn't have a riff about that hey gabriel last time i was on remember that merch incident oh by the way yeah last time i was here he uh he almost got one of my employees fired because i because i uh yeah i know covered a scam in your organization There's a scandal over there, yeah, in the organization.

53:07You're watching your merch now, huh? I'm watching, yeah. ¿Dónde estás dinero? Follow it. You don't realize, I went back and I showed the video clip of him outing my merch guy, my merch guy, Ivan. Ivan, Ivan. Yeah.

53:26Brian Redban:Thank you, Ivan. I still have six bottles of Fluffy Tapatio, by the way. It is so good. I swear to God, something about your label makes it a little bit better than normal Tapatia, which we love. And you have a special edition now, right? Or something that came out? Oh, yeah. Black label. Ooh. What's that like? Extra spicy? It's just a label.

53:50Extra black. You know what I mean? Shit! This shit! This hot sauce! You're gonna ship water out of your ass! Just David Jolly on the label, just... Goddamn!

54:13Brian Redban:Black hot sauce, ladies and gentlemen. So anyway, watching the merch, a lot better. A lot better. Very good. So thank you for uncovering that. That was the best review to let me know what was going on. T-shirts everywhere right now. In Ukraine, dude, half the soldiers are wearing fluffy masks. Fuck it. Even the Russians. Yeah, both sides. You know that Spider-Man meme?

54:53Brian Redban:Oh, God. Too funny, Ari. You are truly one of the best in the world. Unbelievable. Go see him live. Killers that kill Tony touring all over. Everything's amazing. It's all happening, people. That dude's a legend. It's incredible. You should see. I mean, in his longer sets, he just comes out guns a-blazin' and does not chill at all. He is nonstop relentless. One more time, Ferrari Matty, everybody. All right, we found him in the bucket, and anything can happen. We found every regular Golden Tickle winner of all time out of this simple bucket. It could happen right now. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next bucket poll.

55:38Brian Redban:It's Chaddo, everyone. Chaddo.

55:49What's up, guys? Just wanted to let you know I'm pretty proud. I've never uttered the phrase I have a black friend I've been called the white friend on many occasions which is always awkward because you have to tell them I would never be friends with a black guy I'm not racist no no it's my wife she's going to try to fuck him

56:16Now, she leaves me little hints around the house. Like, the other day, she got me this book. She left it out of my nightstand. It's called How to Make a Woman Orgasm. I don't know how it ended. I didn't finish it. I knew it was too complicated for me because the first page said, lick your fingers to turn these pages. I'm like, fuck this.

56:40But I have a lot of collections. I don't pay anybody back. if I owe you, if it ain't getting cut, it ain't getting paid. So one of the biggest collections I have is to a sex shop, an adult store. You know, one of these... Oh, never mind. I'm not paying you. Fuck you. I'm Chato. Thanks a lot.

56:57Brian Redban:Okay, Chato. It's nice of you to stop your Twitch stream to be here. Thank you. You look fantastic, Chato. It's incredible, Sal. I like how you came out and pointed to the other Joe Dirt. Yeah. Game recognized game. Hell yeah. Chato, remind us, how long you been on stand-up? I'm going on four years now, all here in Austin. Okay, what do you do for work? I own a cannabis college, and I write books. I write novels and children's books for adults also. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. How's that going, good? No, nobody knows who I am. Going by Chato is very hard for people to find you. Writer Chato. Okay. All right.

57:40Oh, yeah.

57:42Brian Redban:Yeah. Gabe? No, just O. Oh, yeah. Yeah, O. Yeah. Why do you go by Chato? Because the last name, if I pronounce it, it's not spelled that way. It's just hard to find or hard to understand or hard to say. So doing open mics, it was just easier to cut it down. You really do have a wife? I really do. I think she's in the backyard about three, four feet down right now. But, yeah, she's good. What do you mean by that? No, she's not dead. I was just kidding. Oh. Not yet. Amazing. Yeah. What does she do? She works for U-Haul. She takes calls. Wow. She answers the phone at U-Haul. From home. Wow. She's a white lady?

58:23Brian Redban:Yeah, believe it or not. Okay. And have you made her, do you actually make her orgasm? Yeah, we've been married 26 years. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? So you ask me this. We do a lot of things, but the latest thing is I kind of wait for her to fall asleep and make sure she's gone, and then I just jerk off.

58:45Brian Redban:Very exciting. Do you watch something on your phone, or do you use your imagination? Apparently that wakes her up. So, yeah, you got to keep on the DL, you know. But, yeah, headphones help, but then again, she's just watching it for three minutes. You don't even know. She's just calling her name out. So she's sleeping, and you're jerking off. Yeah, yeah. And then it's children's books you say you write? Yeah, for adults. They're for slow adults. Oh, for real? It's a book for a child? I brought you guys some today, actually. You did? Yeah, if you guys would like. That's different. You usually give out books.

59:24Brian Redban:Yeah. Let's see. Where's one at? They're coming right now, I believe. Wow. He has an assistant. Let me see one of those, Heidi. Let's see what we got here. What do we got? So these are based on my stand-up, so they're hilarious. Wow. So there must be bedtime stories then. Okay. Based on stand-up comedy by Chad O., Stevie J moves to the burbs. Stevie J. Chad, what is your actual full last name? It's hard to pronounce. It's O. Shefsky. But it's spelled O-L-S-H-A-V-S-K-Y. So, yeah. O. Yeah, Chad O. Chad O. I noticed, just looking through this real quick, half the time you use Stevie J, but then other times you just use Stevie.

1:00:07Like, what's going on here? Yeah, some people don't use their last name all the time. It's just sometimes, you know. No. Yeah, thanks for putting up the continuity in my errors.

1:00:20Not going to lie, this looks like a book about Jesus. Yeah, it's based on myself, obviously, you know. Oh, wait, so your wife is the illustrator. Yes, she is. Oh, well, why didn't you say that? Well, these are unbelievable illustrations. Can we not make everything about the bitch? Come on. She's kind of... Wait, that's not AI. That's really good illustrations. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

1:00:44Brian Redban:She feels good. Red Band thinks it's AI. Is your wife AI? Actually, my wife is not, but she does use AI and then Photoshop to make them. Wow. AI is very consistent. This is like Disney quality type artwork. Yeah. It really is. She does good work. Yeah. It's really hard to get AI to be consistent, and she does a really good job. making it happen like that. Wow. Prompt. Prompts. Stevie J is a fan. Make better. Make better. Make better. Make better. This is good enough. Yeah. This is good enough. It's amazing being able to utilize AI for your art. It's just incredible. Make a little better. More urban.

1:01:26Brian Redban:More urban. Okay, Chato. You have a little joke book? I got a big one last time. Okay. Well, there you go. Ladies and gentlemen, that's Chad. We're going to keep it moving along. Chad-o after Ari Maddy is like a sugar-free lemonade after a shot of tequila or something like that. Oh, my goodness. Look at that. Speak of the devil. Heidi. All right. This looks like a new name. This could be fun. Make some noise for Julio, everybody. We're gonna meet Julio out of the bucket right now.

1:02:10Wow! Julio. So, my mom raised an autism child and raised me and ended up wishing both her kids turned out a retard.

1:02:24My dad, I would get in a lot of trouble, So my dad was like, hey, I get in trouble when I hang out with my friend, my very best friend, Johnny Walker. He gives me invisibility powers. So I'm like, you mean like superhero? He's like, yeah, every time I go with my friend and I get home and your mom looks at me and goes, I can't even look at you right now. Can't even see you like this. I used to be gay. I went to one of those Pray the Gay Out of You Jesus camps. And now I'm having all kinds of heterosexual sex.

1:03:15Brian Redban:Wow. There you go, bro. Julio. Amazing. I have so many questions. Whoa! You're excited. Hi, Julio. Welcome. Hi. I'm very first comedian. Very first comedian. First time doing the stand. I've been to two of them. Okay. I love it. You can barely fucking speak the language. This is incredible right now. Absolutely amazing. So far so good, Julio. Thank you. Yeah, man. Where are you from? I got more. Puerto Rico! Whoa! Hell yeah.

1:03:58Brian Redban:Wow. You're like, uh, you're like, uh, okay. Yeah. How long have you been in America? How many days have you been in America? January 99. January 99. January of 1999. Excuse the foreign. There's a lot of whys. The month of January. Yandy-yayn. She's mine. Okay, so, Julio, what do you... From San Juan or whereabouts in Puerto Rico? It's like Bayamon, like 10 miles away. It's a metro area, yeah. Okay. All right, okay, the metro area of San Juan. Are you or were you gay or is that just a joke? Look at the watch, bro. Look at the watch, he's still gay. Sorry, bro, it's a reloj. Come on. Am I like ambiguous now?

1:04:52I didn't know if that was a genuine... It's the kind of stuff I dream about. You went to a Jesus camp or whatever it was? No, no. No, that's just my imagination.

1:05:03Brian Redban:Talk loud, Julio. My imagination for jokes. Your imagination. Oh, so you're straight. So you're straight. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. He's definitely not fucking straight, Sal. What are you talking about? You said you were having all kinds of straight sex. How many kinds are there? Coming to Kill Tony is like when Neo goes to the Oracle, you know, I'm like, yeah, I want to find out if I'm really good or not. Wow. I need live subtitles right now. This is incredible. I'm calling ICE. Maybe. Puerto Rico is part of America, I know. He's from Puerto Rico. Wait, Tony can learn that Puerto Rico is part of America.

1:05:43Brian Redban:I fucking know. I love it. I'll use them up correctly. I didn't think I would understand someone less than Pamela. Yeah, exactly. It is incredible. I'll be able to figure that out. Okay. Why? Like, so that you can understand me. Okay. Yeah. You're doing good. Julio, what do you do for work? I'm a flight simulator technician. Wait, what do you mean? Like, a video game for airplanes that real pilots train on. Yeah, you actually do that? I used to build them before I worked maintaining them. Wow. Badass. Look at that. That's incredible. Badass. Yeah. He doesn't have to speak to do that. Yeah, exactly.

1:06:28Brian Redban:That's amazing, Julio. And you've been doing that for how long? Since 2003. Okay. All right. And do you have a steady lover right now in your life? Yeah. Okay. Is it a simulator?

1:06:49You can't get cauliflower from a simulator. Say what you want.

1:06:56Brian Redban:So where'd you meet this guy at? Tell us about it, Julio. It's actually a machine. What? My bicycle. It's my lover. Your bicycle. What are you saying? Hope it's not Ari's. What do you mean? I only dance with the machine, so, like, I don't... E-bike. Julio, stick with me here. I have my... What's your actual love life like in real life? I'm swimming in it. You're swimming in asshole. Me? What do you do, like, when you want to... I'm like, if they tell me, oh, that was deep, Julio, and I'm like, I'm trying to touch your heart, you know? Jesus Christ, Red Band. Trying to conduct a professional interview over here.

1:07:45Brian Redban:And I got you fart noises out of my left ear. I can't understand a single fucking word this guy's saying. I'm a little nervous. That's it. This guy fucking will not come all the way out of the closet. It's the craziest thing. He's like peeking through the door from the inside of the closet. It's like, come on out, Julio. I know you're in there. We know you're in there, Julio. Come out. What's going on? Are you afraid like mama and papa? are watching from the metro area? Oh, no. San Juan, Puerto Rico? I bet they're proud. Do they know you're gay? My mom lives in San Antonio. Your mom lives in San Antonio?

1:08:19Brian Redban:Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah, the Puerto Rico of Texas. I love it. Yeah, yeah, pretty much.

1:08:31Brian Redban:Does your mom know you're gay? I guess she knows now. Wow. Wait, sorry. So you are gay? Yes, he's gay. This fucking guy is gay. I'm playing along. I don't, the more you speak, the more, I can't, I can't. I feel really comfortable with my sexuality, so. Yeah. It's like, no big deal. No big deal. Like. So are you gay or straight? I wish I liked hairy asses, you know, because that would be pretty cool. Okay. You're into women. Yeah, yeah. And guys. No. Have you ever been? Bicycles. Bicycles. You're a beautiful man, Tony. Yes, I know. Thank you. Wow. There you go. Wow. How many of you think I should buttfuck this guy right now?

1:09:20Brian Redban:That's right. Okay, Keno, you don't have to do the light thing. You don't have to make the lights go crazy. Jesus, Keno. Relax back there. All right. So the last person that you had sex with in real life was a woman. Where did you meet this lady at? On a dating site. Talk loud, Julio. On a dating site. Dating site. What was the dating site? It was like Tinder, I think. Tinder, okay. I'm on all of them. Right, of course. Because that's what straight guys do. They get on all the sites. Okay, so did you go on a date with her? Did you go to a restaurant or something? Yes. What type of restaurant did you go to?

1:10:04We went to the Blue Star Art District. in San Antonio, they have a halcyon or whatever.

1:10:13Brian Redban:A hacienda. And they have tabletop s'mores. If you want to smash on the first date, get tabletop s'mores. Tabletop scores. S'mores. S'mores. Okay. Should I just translate for you? Yes. Absolutely. Hablame en español, wey. Yo le digo. Yo le digo. Dime lo que le quieres decir. This is so frustrating. I feel like, yeah, back when I was mom back in the day. ¿Qué dice? ¿Qué dice? I'll write it out. I'll write it out. I love it. So what made you want to start stand-up comedy here today, Julio? I've always known I've had good ideas in my town. They call me a... Gabriel, what the fuck you got out of this one?

1:10:58Brian Redban:What? What? Can I get a translator for my translator? Hey! Siempre tenía buenas ideas. Fuck, I don't understand them in Spanish. Ha! Ow! He said he always has good ideas. Okay, good ideas. Whoa, Red Band. Wow, look at that. That's that Advil talking. That's that Advil talking. Yeah. The sugar-coated Advil. Julio, tell us more. What do you do for fun? Tell us more about yourself. Smash s'mores. Yeah. I ride BMX bikes. BMX bikes? So you're a bike rider? Flatland BMX, yeah. That's kind of bike rider. I mean, I try. If I have money, I go to Puerto Rico and go big wave boogie boarding. Oh, wow, boogie boarding.

1:11:50Brian Redban:Okay. All right. You're way more interesting than you let on when you speak. I don't mean that as an insult. I just mean, like, you're all over the place and you're hard to understand. And then you say stuff like you simulate programs of flight instructors and you go wakeboarding. And I'm like, oh, all right. I'm confused. I'm very confused. Do you have a brother with autism as well? Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. I wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't. You're confused? Yes. Dear Diary, jackpot. Wow. All right. Let me ask you this. Is your first time doing a big show like this? Did you have more jokes on that paper that you didn't get to do?

1:12:32Brian Redban:You want to do them? All right, here you go. Do some more jokes. I want to know what else Julio has here.

1:12:42Brian Redban:Everything starts with a Y.

1:12:48Brian Redban:Here he goes, doing another joke. Since I'm older, sometimes it doesn't work all the time, so I pray to Jesus to raise my penis Lazarus from the dead. Okay, let's do another one. I always or

1:13:13Brian Redban:He writes like he talks Coming to XM it's a station for trans black women Wait, what is? Trans black women What about it? A radio station Radio station for trans black women Yes Okay It's called Transistor

1:13:34Brian Redban:There's a banger That's fun. That's a great joke. That was fun. I've been right here. There you go. That's good, Julio. I have a, I work on my electric bike, try to make it faster, and now it identifies as a motorcycle. So it's like. Very good. You have some cute jokes, Julio. Thank you. This is totally gay. This is the gayest dude, like, ever. I need, I need to hear you. Thank you. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I'm super stoked, actually. I would only call they, them, a conjoined twin. Ah, I love it. Singular twin. You went really heavy on that second page with the trans. You really went in with the trans.

1:14:24My eyes are not what they used to be. What?

1:14:31Brian Redban:It's like... Come on, give us one more, Julio. Can I read one? Let me read one. I don't think you can read it, dude. I want to see. This looks like a ransom letter.

1:14:46Brian Redban:Okay. Okay. I got a joke. Okay, do it. Do one, Julio. And while I try to decipher this fucking Zodiac killer code that you have here. I always say my writing was shit. so like if I sent a threat letter that people will believe it. Hold on, do the one with the chica that Chola will cut you. Oh, like I got a type. It's a kind of Mexican girl that you never ever ever catch at a Taco Bell. The kind of Mexican chick that will talk behind your back about how you didn't speak in Spanish to her. And the kind of chica that will cut you if you get it twisted with her. so I'm gonna clap her cheeks until she agrees with everything I say.

1:15:35Wow. Amazing. That wasn't a joke so much as a grievance followed by a threat. Yeah. Still sound gay?

1:15:45Brian Redban:Yes. I swear I'm gonna clap her cheeks until she tells me everything about being a woman that I wanna know. Okay. Can you do the NXT Cucaracha smash? So, yeah, like, so I get to smash that cucaracha when I get me a nice Mexican girl. How about the alpha male bully? Oh, my brother was a bully, so I guess he's an alpha male, and I'm a nerd, so that makes me alphabetical. Oh, my God, you're adorable. Wow. Wow. What's the patient's fist? How many jokes are on this? That's a lot. What's the patient's fist? Sometimes I get impatient and I tell myself, self, no fisting ever starts by you punching on a vagina.

1:16:48Brian Redban:Fuck yeah, dude. I could watch a full hour of you. How about...

1:17:01Brian Redban:How about cripples? What do you got for cripples with one P? I hate it when I go to Six Flags and all the front parking spots are handicapped and none of the cripples showed up. This guy's good. This guy's good. I love it. All the best jokes you didn't do. You did a reverse. It's almost like I fell for your plot here. Like, let me see your jokes. And then you have like a bunch of... It worked. Huh? The bait worked. Yeah, it worked. You tricked me. This is probably how we're going to end up butt-fucking later. You're tricking me. Okay, what about Wee Butt GF? What? Oh, yeah. I walked in on this girl that I was seeing with the wee remote up her butthole.

1:17:53I was like, oh, honey, you're doing it wrong.

1:18:07Brian Redban:Julio, Julio, Julio, Julio, Julio. All right, one last one. One last one. I want to know. Dude, they cheered for him. Let him walk away with that. Let him walk away on the cheer. Uh-uh. No, it's not that easy. This is a Cinderella story, man. Get on your bike and head to San Anto, bro. One last one. You ready for it? I want to know Exterminator Cracks Cray - Oh, yeah, so, like, whenever I roleplay, I want to be the exterminator. So, you call, and I show up unrealistically, like, fast. And I come to fumicate your cracks and crevices.

1:18:57Julio! Oh, my God. Julio! Julio! Julio! Julio! Julio! Julio! Julio!

1:19:13Brian Redban:There's a big joke about Julio. absolutely unbelievable debut performance Julio keep writing and come back sign up and do it again okay yes thank you you're welcome Julio ladies and gentlemen with an unbelievable debut performance here on Kill Tony with a 17 minute and 20 second long interview that's how you know there's potential there let me remind you that Chato had about a 4 minute long interview so Chato's been doing it four years. Julio comes in here with a scrappy piece of paper and ends up stealing the show. You didn't even know. I'm just rattling cracks. We still don't know. Get her straight.

1:19:59We will never know. Don't matter. Julio killed it. The premises didn't make any sense, and there were no punchlines. How did we share this name?

1:20:14Brian Redban:We love him. I wish he had more. If he would have pulled out another piece of paper, I would have just done the rest of the show with him. I would have had everyone else go home, tell these people they can all hit the road, because we're going to have fun with Julio. Unfortunately, we ran out of... That was fun. That's what you love about this show, right? It's just the chaos. Anything can happen. Dreams coming true for a young, gay, straight man. All right, your next bucket pool. We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Chris Miller, everybody. Here we go.

1:20:57Hey, guys. I've been playing basketball with the same group of guys for 20 years. We went to breakfast the other morning, and we were talking about things that we did when we were a kid. And my buddy Kenny, he's a black guy. And I said, Kenny, I said, did you ever run around your neighborhood and ring doorbells and run when you were a kid? And he goes, yes, I did. And I said, what'd you call that? And he looked at me. He says, Chris, I called that the same thing you called that. And I said, okay, I apologize. I apologize, my friend. He goes, no, that's just what we called it. And I said, all right.

1:21:36I said, well, now I've got a 25-year-old son. So when my son was the age where they would run around neighborhood, ring doorbells and run, everybody had a ring camera. So all my neighbors are sending me videos. So the kids get home and I go, guys, what are y 'all doing? And my son goes, dad, we're ding dong ditching. And I was like, what'd you call it? He goes, dad, we're ding dong ditching. I threw my arms up in my living room and my son goes, dad, what are you doing? And I go, don't worry about it. all you need to know is I'm a better dad than my dad was. All right, thank you, guys.

1:22:13Brian Redban:All right, Chris.

1:22:18Brian Redban:Hi, Chris, how are you? Somehow a red band like that. Yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, you guys are the same age, so that makes sense. Sal. I understood Julio more. Yeah, I agree. Julio. Do you have any notes in your pocket? Any what? Notes. Do you have any notes? No notes. Okay, Chris, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two months. Two months. And how long have you been selling insurance? What do you do for work? I'm a salesman, but I don't sell insurance. I actually have a website that's on Shopify. Wow, amazing. We love Shopify. Not a lot of people know this, but if you use the promo code KILTONY, you can start your own Shopify for an amazing, amazing deal.

1:23:02Brian Redban:Okay, you married kids, the whole thing? Yep. Been married 28 years. I've got three awesome kids. Awesome. What's the most exciting thing about your life? Like what's something that would surprise us about you? Because you seem like just a real plain glass of water. Well, I would say all my kids are fairly normal. And I think the reason is, is that all three of my kids have walked in on us having sex. Wow. Okay. And what have they seen? Well, I never asked them that question, but all I know is when, you know, when you've been married a long time and when your wife says, you know, is the door locked?

1:23:40I mean, you say yes. Right. So, I mean, I go to the casino. I always bet on red. And at least one time with each child, it was on black. Wow. Incredible.

1:23:52Brian Redban:Do you really have a black friend named Kenny? Yeah. Yeah. I played basketball for 20 years, the same guys. Wow. What does Kenny do for a living? He works for AT &T, but I don't know. He's got an HR department, so we probably shouldn't talk too much about him. Right. Absolutely. We don't want to cost a man his job at AT &T. What do you guys? You know, the joke, you put a lot of, like, it definitely was thought out, and you put a lot into it, and I think somewhere along the line, maybe you missed a set of something, because I want to understand the punchline of the joke. Because at first, I thought it was me a race thing, but then it wasn't.

1:24:28Ask Redman. It's a race thing. Back in the day, Ding Dong and Ditch was called something else. That's how we all used to say the N-words as kids. It was N-word knocking.

1:24:37Brian Redban:That's what they used to call it. What? That is what it was. It was called N-word knocking, except you didn't call it the N-word. You said the word. But what is Ding Dong Ditch? That's what the kids call it these days. But we call it Ring and Run. Ring and Run? What the fuck? Ring and run. I'm from the East Coast, which is better than this. So I don't know. Wow. Full heel turn for Sal Volcano. Did you guys understand this joke? Okay. All right. Well, no, because I was so interested. You had me, and I was, like, waiting on it. And then you got it into the cat. And then I was like, let's hear it.

1:25:24And then I didn't get it.

1:25:25Brian Redban:Nobody understood his joke. So I'm gonna do something very very special right now here to translate his joke for us make some noise for Julio Everybody here. He is Julio come back out Send Julio out You need to champ Julio Julio now I gotta I Gotta ask you Julio. What do you what was he talking about up here? this guy just just go ahead and explain it to us uh no no idea you want to have him retell the joke so that julio can do it step by step say that again you want to have him read to do the joke so julio can can do you know translate it julio what do you think it meant did you catch any of it no like i was talking on the phone the fuck who the fuck were you talking on the phone with?

1:26:25Brian Redban:To my mom. Oh my god, really? You still have your phone on you? You have it on you right now? No, no. Let's call Julio's mom real quick. Give him his phone. I want to talk to your mom. What's your mom's name? Esperanza. Esperanza. Oh my goodness gracious. Okay. Call her and put it on speaker and then hand it over to me over here. Here, just hit send. Yo, you have to turn it back on. Okay, red band. Is your mom speaking? The phone doesn't ring when you're calling a person. Yeah, she speaks really good. She don't think she's great at it, but she is. The sound effect of an antique phone. While Julio's trying to turn on his little cricket over here.

1:27:21Brian Redban:I have a special plan. And it works in Puerto Rico and only Texas. All right. This phone only works in San Antonio. All right.

1:27:38Is it ringing? It's not ringing. Maybe it's wanting to connect to my headphones or something. I love that it says mama on it. Like, it's written mom. It's not mom. It's mama. Hey, that's why I don't disrespect women. I go on a lot of dates because of that.

1:28:01I also had a scrotum tuck. What? Bro, I don't know that you want to know this. So, old balls, that's not me.

1:28:16Brian Redban:Hold on. I hear it. Hello, Esperanza. It's me, Tony. La show Kill Tony show.

1:28:30Brian Redban:Hello, Esperanza. I'm with your son, Julio. Yes. Wow, you speak better English than he does.

1:28:43Brian Redban:Esperanza, your son is becoming a star in real time. How do you feel about this? I know, yes. He's becoming a star star from a long time ago. Oh, I love that.

1:29:00Brian Redban:The crowd is chanting his name, Esperanza. Esperanza, have you seen the hit show Impractical Jokers before? No. Oh. Your son's gay.

1:29:20Thank you.

1:29:49Brian Redban:feminine tendencies and some of his quick responses. Like when he doesn't have enough time to think about it, he's kind of... Yeah, go ahead. He's kind of what? He's kind of feminine. Kind of like... Kind of gay, you know what I'm saying? Yes, I know. Say maricón. Julio es a maricón. Not American. Maricón. Oh, yeah, he's not American. There's a fine line between American and gay in Spanish. Maricón. He's American. He is American, yes. He's American. Trump doesn't like to accept him, but has to. I didn't get that. I tried. I don't want to accept something. Huh? She's saying I don't accept something, that I'm a maricón, maybe?

1:30:51Brian Redban:Okay. Have you ever seen him with a woman? With many women. With many women. Yeah! Perro! Julio! Perro! Julio! Julio! Julio! Julio! Julio! Esperanza, are you in San Antonio or Puerto Rico? I'm in San Antonio. Wow, you sound very hot. What do you do for work? Are you a... What do you do? Julio has to be like this because me. That's right. That's right. I grew up on the spotlight because of her. Wow. Even he looks like me. Oh. You have a little facial hair? Yes. Esperanza, you're a legend. Thanks for taking the call.

1:31:56What?

1:31:57Brian Redban:I cannot do it. You don't have nothing to do. No, you're it. That's how crazy the show is, is randomly sometimes we just call people. Okay. Okay. Okay. Tell us the craziest thing about your life before I let you go. You ever do anything wild? What do you think makes you special and different than everybody else? Mm, I'm special. What? She's special. I don't know. What? Hello? Yes. What's the craziest thing you've ever done in the bedroom with another man? No, that's secret. Top secret.

1:32:42Craziest thing she ever did was make Julio. Yeah. She's like, there was this one guy, his dick looked like cauliflower. Ask her about the shootout.

1:32:54Brian Redban:You know, by the sound of your voice, Esperanza, before I let you go, you seem like the kind of woman that has seen, like, the Virgin Mary in a piece of toast or something like that. Is that true? Oh, sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Have you seen the Virgin Mary before? Where? Okay, I'm gonna let you go, Esperanza. It's past your bedtime. Go get some sleep. Okay. I love you. Thank you. I'll see you soon. Okay. Wow.

1:33:28Brian Redban:Let's just take notice of how boring Chris Miller is as a human being. That we'd rather talk to the last guy's mother than to talk to Chris Miller anymore.

1:33:44Brian Redban:Chris, thanks for coming out here. Here's a little joke book. Julio, stay for another second. Chris, you can go head on back. Chris, sign up again. Come back again. Do something a little punchier than one long story. So, Julio, I love it. You're having the time of your life. You already have called your mom. There's another guy named Julio who was just calling you, by the way, while I was on the phone with your mom. so people know. Your family already knows what's going on right now. Oh, that's my son. Oh, you have a son? Junior. I have three boys. You have three boys? Yeah. This whole time, I spent 17 minutes trying to figure out...

1:34:24Brian Redban:Yeah, exactly. I have a whole set of jokes about how I'm black where it counts. About how you're what? I'm black where it counts. Wow, in what way? You're never gonna guess my age because black don't crack. Okay. Well, you're not that black because you're present in your child's lives. So how old are your three boys? 20, 14, and 12. How old are you? I'm going to be 49 in November. Wow. When? 16.

1:35:02Funny, the three of us, 49. Hey, let's party. 49, 49, 49. Go play lotto tomorrow. Yeah.

1:35:08Brian Redban:Look at that. That's incredible. Okay, Julio, one more thing. Tell us something about your life before I let you go yet again that would surprise us about you. When I was a little kid, I was riding in the car with my mom coming home from school, and there was a car-to-car shootout in Puerto Rico, and I opened the window. It was my day to have a gun battle, and I pulled out my toy rifle, and I pointed it at the people, and my mom was like, you're going to get us killed, and she, like, sped out of the place, and then stopped by a bridge and did the most gangster thing ever. I've seen her do, like, broke the thing with her knee and threw it over a bridge.

1:35:46Brian Redban:Wow! Esperanza's a bad bitch. I love it.

1:35:55Brian Redban:Julio, Julio, Julio, Julio. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to give you a second big joke book to give to Esperanza. How about that? There you go. And bring her. Next time you come here, bring her, and I'll just give you your next appearance. Next time you have a full minute. Next time you write another minute. Bring her, and we'll interview you guys together, okay? I love it. One more time for Julio, everybody.

1:36:29Brian Redban:Julio. Julio. Julio. It's a magical bucket tonight. Anything can happen. and your next bucket pool goes by the name, ladies and gentlemen, of Jordan Yates, everybody. Here comes Jordan Yates.

1:36:53Damn, Julio was tall as hell.

1:36:58How's that, guys? So I'm just going to get down to it. I got married this year, and I'm quite frankly lucky my wife is still with me, you know, because I tried to shave my beard off recently, you know, and she doesn't like the stubble. You ladies know about the stubble? Because I went in for a little smooch, and she was like, it's rough. It's coarse. It's itchy, and I hate it. But have y 'all ever had to deal with a little lady stubble before? Come on, fellas. There you go. You know what I'm talking about. You know when you're trying to visit the roses and you get the thorn? It's like trying to get a peach through a cheese grater.

1:37:42I'm just down there trying to get some delicious fruit. Meanwhile, my lips are getting the Parmesan treatment. I mean, they're like the fucking Olive Garden waiter, like, say when, baby.

1:37:59By the way, fellas, she always wants more Parmesan. Come on.

1:38:05Oh, yeah.

1:38:07Brian Redban:Wow. Amazing. Jordan Yates. Welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. Hell, yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? About seven years now. Seven years. Where at? From Dallas. Originally been here in Austin for the last two years. Nice. I love it. You have such a great fucking look and a presence. Real star power. What do you do for work? Stand-up full-time since the beginning of the year. Amazing. Amazing. How's that going for you? Oh, man. A lot of time in Nebraska, dude. Yeah. That's where you're big. You're huge in Nebraska. No. Oh. They just like my cowboy hat.

1:38:46Brian Redban:Okay. All right. They're like, he's one of us. Little man. Tell us what doing stand-up in Nebraska is like. Well, I almost got my ass kicked the first time. Because I have this joke about how I'm a bad cowboy. I look like a farmer that exclusively farms soy.

1:39:06Turns out, a lot of soy in Nebraska.

1:39:12Brian Redban:And a lot of big old boys that farm it. What's your love life like? You seem like you'd be fun to cuddle with. Oh, yeah, that's what my wife tells me, dude. I got a wife that I'm in love with, and she's incredible. Her name's Esther, for anybody who needs to know. Wow, okay. Very nice. Do you have kids? Do I have kids? Not yet, dude. Are you trying? You pumping her filled with cowboy cum? Man, digging the spurs in, dude, fucking. All right. I love it. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Any crazy cowboy moves or anything? Well, I always start off with the magic mic first. I hit her with that, oh, you know what I'm saying?

1:39:51Wow. And then most of the time, I'm just, you know, laying there. Yeah, that sounds about right. How did you meet your wife? Uh, Tinder. Oh, shit. Hey, Rosalinda, her mom. We met at church.

1:40:07You're like a Matthew McConaughey wrapped in an action Bronson. Yeah. That's what I'm going for.

1:40:17Brian Redban:Amazing. Tell us, do you have any other special skills or talents or anything? Any special? I can clap with one hand. Let's hear it. Wow. That's a... That sounded like something else, but all right. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What did you do before you got into stand-up? Sales for a long time, dude. I did corporate real estate sales. Yeah, I know. Pretty shitty, no? You sold real estate? Yeah, I sold office space of all things. Yeah, I know. Were you good at it? Actually, yeah. It paid a lot better than this does. I'm going to be honest. Yeah. Tell us. Give us an example. Pretend like we're here and you're selling us an office space.

1:40:57Brian Redban:Give us an example of what that would sound like. Hey, this is Jordan with Regis. I'm calling to follow up with you about your inquiry on our offices. I saw that you were looking for something in the Dallas area Tell you what, I think I got a few options But I want to hear a little bit more about what you need from the space Well, you know, I'm looking for That was like the Wolf of Wall Street right there I'm looking for something Like a couple thousand square feet I don't need much space Because I don't want to have to pay for the air conditioning I know it gets hot up there in Dallas So, you know, you have anything like that?

1:41:27Brian Redban:You have anything small? Yeah, I tell you what, we can definitely hook you up When you're saying that you're looking for a couple thousand square feet of space Are you wanting that to be something that you're gonna use for your personal use or do you have a team that we need to get set up for? Yeah, yeah, yeah, to all that. Y 'all don't make me do this anymore, please. Dude, but I love the fact that you code switch like that. You went from comic cowboy dude and now all of a sudden I'm like, I'm ready to sign a lease. Yeah. Amazing stuff. What does your wife do for work? She works for the state.

1:41:59She was in the Capitol for a few years, and she now works for a state agency. Okay.

1:42:04Brian Redban:She's a responsible one. She's doing process improvement? Pretty much, yeah. Amazing. Amazing. You have an apartment or a house? Yeah, we live in an apartment off of Riverside out here in Austin. One bedroom? Two bedrooms. I got it like that. Wow. What do you do with the second bedroom? You have a little vinyl record player in there? Pretty much, yeah. I used to work out of it, but now I just use it to store my boots. I think. How many pairs of boots do you have? Two. Wow. Amazing. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. You're so likable. Wow. Thank you, man. Good for you. Do you go to church? I used to.

1:42:44Brian Redban:I used to be a youth pastor. Okay, can you give us an example of what some of your pastor skills would look like? Oh, here we go. Here he is. Youth pastor, Chris Miller. Can you sell me on Christ? Hey, everybody. I want you to look into your hearts tonight. And I want you to tell me, have you seen Christ in there recently? Tell me, is your heart filled with sin? Is it filled with temptation? Well, you can be redeemed. Amen. Through the power of Jesus Christ.

1:43:26Brian Redban:Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Tell Sam Kim. It's like so many lives in one body. You know what I mean? It's like he can go off in space. You want to get saved. You want to laugh. Hell yeah. And you eat pussy. Amen, brother. Fuck yeah. Good guy. Or I mean, actually, you're not Chris. I'm not. Chris was the other guy. Yeah, fuck that guy. Jordan. Jordan Yates. What was your childhood like? Country parents? Well, my dad grew up in Elgin, which is just 30 minutes outside of Austin here. But the rest of my family is from Oak Cliff, which is South Dallas. And then I have a grandmother from France.

1:44:09I've got all sorts of weird things going on. Wow.

1:44:13Brian Redban:No way! You speak French? Yeah. And Spanish too. Whoa. Oh, my God. He speaks every language better than Julio.

1:44:28Brian Redban:Very fun set. You're so charismatic and so likable. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. Here's a big joke, folks. How fun. How exciting is this? Jordan Yates. Jordan Yates, ladies and gentlemen. We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it. All right, let's do something fun right now. I have yet another special treat for you, ladies and gentlemen. in a Kill Tony Hall of Famer. One of the greatest regulars in the show's history wants to come out and do a minute. One of the greatest comedians in our history. One of the best roasters in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the rare return of the great David Lucas.

1:45:24Yeah.

1:45:28I've been falling asleep to black noise lately. It's just videos of cops putting handcuffs on niggas. and the occasional smoke detector beep.

1:45:47Football season is here. A lot of white guys play fantasy football. I've realized that fantasy football is virtual slavery for white guys. Because y 'all get to pick y 'all favorite nigga. Who runs the fastest? Who jumps the highest? I like that Saquon Barkley. That nigga jumped over somebody backwards last year.

1:46:18300 years later, we still can't make money off a white man's back. There's no goddamn fantasy pickleball league. All right, that's my time. Thank you, man.

1:46:29Brian Redban:the legend David lights out Lucas. Hell yeah. Absolutely doing it again. Incredible the black noise premise and the virtual slavery. Incredible jokes, David. I like Fluffy. That nigga look like a character from Guess Who.

1:46:53Does he have hair? Nope. Wait, hold on. Can you call me the N-word again? Huh? Can you call me the N-word again? Nigga. Yeah. You can say it. You just got to say it like vinegar. What is wrong with this motherfucker back here, bro? What the fuck?

1:47:12Brian Redban:They're very excited to see you. I don't think they have many of you around here. Hey, Redbet, I know what you was talking about. Back where I'm from, they used to call that shit nigga knocking. That's what they called it. They called it. I was trying to wait until I came up to say it, but it was called nigger knocking. That is true. Dude, that is what we call it. You can only say it so many times in a minute or else YouTube flags it, so don't say it again. You gotta bleep it. They have a certain... I'll say vinegar knocking. Again, that's probably the limit. It's robots. They're not really gonna pick up on that VIN so much.

1:47:47Hey, bro, have you seen this shit on the Internet? So the Internet found out that Martin Luther King was cheating on his wife, and they've made a lot of AI out of this... Negro. Yes.

1:47:59Brian Redban:Vinegar. Yeah, it is vinegar. Stop. Red Band, you gotta say vinegar. Yeah.

1:48:08Bro, they had an episode of Marlon the King on Murray today.

1:48:14Brian Redban:Oh my god. Yeah, this Sora AI stuff is out of control right now. It is stronger than ever. I seen the AI version of you, bro. Like, manly. That nigga was straight.

1:48:32Cheekbones wasn't so high, you know what I'm saying? This nigga cheekbones high as hell. Boy, you look like a baby deer in the face, nigga.

1:48:42Brian Redban:You son of a bitch. Do you have cheekbones? Are they under there somewhere? I know you got booty cheekbones. Oh, come on. How dare you say I be having booty cheekbones. That's true. I do. Sometimes I be making them clap. That's what the kids are saying. I make my booty cheekbones clap. Tony, I be doing that. Yes, it's true. Yes, I do. Right, man, I do. Yeah, I do. Tony, you skinny, though, bro. I bet when you take your clothes off, your G-string be bagged.

1:49:19How do you know I wear a G-string? Hell, yeah. That shit look like the tampon string hanging out.

1:49:30That's how they all look.

1:49:32Brian Redban:Oh, my God. You got me good there, Martin Luther Burger King. Holy shit. Oh, my God. You are morbidly obese. You're morbidly gay, nigga. Oh, come on. That's not even a thing. I don't even know if that's a word, but you are morbidly gay. That is incredible. Gabe, what do we think he is? A 3X, 4X? I'm a 3X. Oh, 3X, all right. Fluffy a fat nigga like me, bro. I know. You heard. That's how black people talk when they try to get their point across. They go to a falsetto voice. Yeah. Come on, bro, you know I'm gonna pay you that money back? What the fuck you talking about, man? Why you tripping over$200, man?

1:50:18Come on, dog. 6 '7", man. 6 '7"? Oh, that's that kid shit. My daughter be saying that. What do it mean? What do it mean? All right, man. You wouldn't understand. Ray Bay, you the oldest nigga on stage. It's a rap lyric. It's a rap lyric. Kids love it. It's weird. It's really stupid.

1:50:40Brian Redban:Amazing. My daughter do be saying that shit, bro. That means she's cool as fuck. Don't be looking at my daughter, nigga. Why you be looking at my daughter? What else is going on in life, David? What have you been up to? Man, you know what I'm saying, bro? You know, we got a couple of projects we're working on and shit. Yep. Me and Tony have something amazing coming to the world. I promise you guys are going to be... Just don't... I ain't gonna say it. Yeah, stop. It's a sex tape. Yes, it is. It is. I have sex with someone on top of David Lucas. I use him as a Tempur-Pedic mattress. Purple. Purple, yeah.

1:51:21Brian Redban:Yeah. Look at that. It's a purple drank mattress.

1:51:28Yeah.

1:51:29Brian Redban:You heard a Tempur-Pedic. This is an orthopedic. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, bro. But that's it, you know? Trying to make moves in the scene. Orch-a-Pedic. He said orch-a-Pedic. Roasted? Bitch, you look like an invisible friend. Get your motherfucker out. If you ask your kids what their friend look like, they draw this nigga.

1:51:57Brian Redban:You look like an invisible friend is somehow one of the greatest roast jokes I've ever heard in my life. What does your friend look like? Draw him.

1:52:09What's his name? Sal Volcano? oh my god that don't even sound like a real name like if your kids told you that shit you'd be like oh yeah cool baby sal volcano yeah i know him you been on tour or anything lately yes sir i'm on tour right now bro i'm all over the world i got fucking where i'm at nashville chicago west covina buffalo new york rochester san diego pull up on your boy wow look at that yeah and the Killers of Kill Tony tour, man. You know what I'm saying? It's one of the greatest tours out there right now. People come and they're surprised that we have 20 minutes because they're going to see us for a minute at a time.

1:52:48Brian Redban:Yeah. A lot of the best in the show's history out there putting on great shows, incredible stuff. Amy and Fluffy found out we both got a love for cars. Yeah, I was about to bring that up. Okay. Yeah, tell us about it. I got 80, but he got like 70. Really? Wow. I know, right? I don't have a cocaine habit, so I got to spend the money. Wow. That usually gets a laugh. Anyway. My goodness, that's incredible. He's got some sick cars. You have some sick cars. You have some of the most, you have the biggest collection, I think, of Volkswagen buses, right? Like, yeah. It's incredible. You guys have been collecting carbs for a long time.

1:53:29Tony, I know you get a car with a seat warmer, ain't it, bitch?

1:53:32Brian Redban:I do. I love my seat warmer and my steering wheel warmer, too. I have a steering wheel warmer, buddy. You got a hole in the middle of the seat? You son of a bitch. I would take you for a ride if you fit in a Corvette, but unfortunately, it's a little too low. You ain't finna put me in the bitch seat, nigga. You got that. I ride, I ride, I ride. Come on, dog. You know I ride in your car, man. Make some noise for the great David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. Go catch him on tour. They're crushing. He is so fucking funny. It's amazing. I love that I got a chance to see him in Vegas with that. Yeah.

1:54:11Part of, you know, the roast and stuff. The roast at WrestleMania. That nobody saw. Yeah.

1:54:14Brian Redban:Yeah. But he killed it there, too. We had so much fun. So fun. That was a legendary night. So funny. So fun. All right. One last bucket pool. Make some noise for Dom LaMarca, everybody. Dom LaMarca.

1:54:35Today's actually a really big day for me. I'm three months clean. Thank you. Thank you. I have been showering. Still on tons of drugs, but I smell like dove now. It's pretty sick.

1:54:53My job recently fired me for my punctuality. And I was just like, yo, what does my grammar have to do with any of this? You guys should be way more worried about the fact I'm late every day. Like, please, not this. my job was to uh roll burritos which was cool but by the end of every shift my tongue was so dry they like caught on that's how i was rolling too they're like what's going on why your burritos always have filters i was like i've been going on job interviews though so that's been cool i went on a job interview the other day it didn't go well i walked in and the first thing the guy says when he sees me, he's like, you seem off.

1:55:36And I was like, oh, he's like, yeah, man, are you high or tired? I was like, I am both. He's like, but I think if we put them together, I'm hired.

1:55:45Brian Redban:Thank you guys so much. Fuck yeah, Dom LaMarca. Great stuff. How long you been on stand-up? Almost seven years. Seven years. Where at? I started in Long Island and then I've been out here for like two years. Nice. And what do you actually do for work? I was working at Jersey Mike's and then they fired me. They really did fire you for being late? No, they didn't really give me a reason, actually. I think it was just me fundamentally as a person. Unfortunately, they were just like, yeah, the owner, the mattress, like, the owner said, you gotta go. Wow. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, it's unfortunate.

1:56:25Do you have a new job? I'm working for DoorDash right now.

1:56:29Brian Redban:Okay. So you still walk into that Jersey Mike's? yeah i do i do i pick up orders next to them and i'll look in and i'll be like sucks to suck guys yeah i'm like i'm freelance now it's pretty sick dude i had a doordash order last week i looked at it and it was just for a plan b pretty crazy yeah i was like holy shit you mean to tell me i deliver so you don't like Wow. What? I love it. Hell yeah. You're doing it, dude. Fuck yeah. I love it. What else do you do? What do you do for fun? For fun? Play board games. I shoot music videos also for some of the hip-hop scene in Austin. Wow. Yeah. You're led with board games, though.

1:57:19Brian Redban:What kind of board games are we talking about? What's your specialty? Dude, I'm sick at Exploding Kittens. Wow, I've never heard of this game before. What is Exploding Kittens? It's this game that got like kickstarted a few years ago and that just blew up into popularity. Basically, if you grab an exploding kitten, you explode unless you could defuse it. It's a board game? The more I talk about it, the less sense it's going to make. There's a card in there that's like Taco Cat. It's a card game. Taco Cat's got the same backwards than it is forward. Wow. That's true. See, Red Ben knows. Red Ben.

1:57:57Wow. Wow, that's incredible. So it was Bust the Nut in a Tuna Sub. What? Hold on, is that why you got fired? I saw that online. No, that's not why I got fired. Dude, I was making these videos while I was at work there, too. I thought they would have fired me for that and nothing. Like, yeah, it's crazy. That's what it is. Is it really? Bust the Nut in a Tuna Sub is the same exact thing written right back. Wow, it is? Well, I mean, I just figured out what he said. The internet told me that the other day, and they would not lie to me. That's Mike's way. Well, it would be bussa. Bussa. Bussa. You've got to write it down.

1:58:36Yeah, it would be bussa nut. That ain't no taco cow. Bussa nut, yeah.

1:58:40Brian Redban:It would be bussa nut. A little apostrophe over there. Race car is the same backwards. Did you know that? No, I didn't, but I just saw it in my head when you said that. That's awesome. Yeah. You say you shot hip-hop videos? Yeah, yeah. Anybody that we might know? Matt the Dub, he's a comic, too. He's been on here before. Other than that, just local dudes. No one that you guys know. People that you will hear of one day. Yeah, if we recognize the rapper from being pulled out of the bucket on this show, I don't think it's exactly the highest level. I know, dude. I've been telling in Mexican OT's DMs, like, please, man, I live in Texas.

1:59:20Just let me shoot one for you.

1:59:21Brian Redban:Give me a chance. Hell, yeah. You know what I like about you is that you have the stoner vibe, but you're not, like, too tired or anything. You have, like, an inordinate amount of energy for who you are. I drank a bang before this. Oh, okay. That makes sense. That'll do it. That was my prep for the day. I was, like, smoke half and drink a bang. Wow, look at you. We're ready for Kill Tony. And you're in tip-top shape. Look at that. For those of you watching, smoke pot and drink a bang. Some people are put on when they come on here, and they're stoner people, but you seem very authentic with yourself.

2:00:00It's very endearing. That word. It's true. I cannot believe Sal Volcano just said that to me. That's so cool, dude. I'm like, sincerely, I've been watching you for a while. See, you're not invisible.

2:00:13Brian Redban:That's wild, yeah. That's amazing. Tell us more about your life. Anything else crazy we should know about you? you're one of the best looking trans women i've ever seen

2:00:27yeah dominique i've been asked dude i used to paint my nails and like i remember when i was doing that like i went to the 7-eleven i'd been going to my whole life this guy's known me for 19 years and he's like oh you're a lady now and i was like no like yeah it was crazy Hell yeah. Yeah. Do you know who he reminds me of? Remember that SNL skit with Chris Farley where he's like, remember? Like, it was like two minutes ago. He's like, that was crazy. That was good. Remember that one time? What's your love life like? Uh, it's pretty dry right now. A little hectic. But, yeah. I feel like I have a habit of dating crazy girls.

2:01:06Yeah.

2:01:06Brian Redban:What was it like when you dropped off that plan B? Dude. Okay. So actually, I was supposed to go in the store and buy it for them. And I got in the store and they were out of stock. So I had to call him and let him know that. You had to go to Plan C. Yeah. No, 100%. I was just like, hey, man, they're out. You're screwed. But just keep being a city boy. Hoodville for life, man. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. It sounded like he needed to hear it, honestly. He's like, thank you. Last date you were on. What's that like? What's going on on a date with Dom LaMarca, DoorDash, the Duke of DoorDash? What's that like?

2:01:50Brian Redban:It's like in real life. It's kind of like that date from Half-Bake where he's just trying to spend as little as possible. That's really what it's like. So like the last date you went on, what did you do? What type of thrifty maneuvers did you do? Thrifting. Actually. The what? Thrifting. Thrifting. Yeah, you go to the thrift store. Then you go to Taco Bell. You get like a little pack of Cinnabon Delights after. And then you go to Barton, but on the free side. Hell yeah. Yeah. And did you end up... Life figured out, man. Did you end up closing with that girl? Yeah, yeah. So what did you do? Where did you make love to her at?

2:02:26Brian Redban:In your car? No, no. In my apartment that three other dudes also live in. Wow. How many bathrooms in this four-dude apartment? Dude, we all got our own bathroom. Whoa. I could do it without them. That's amazing. Yeah, and unfortunately, leading on to the trans side of things, mine is the cleanest, and everyone has to use it. I'm the most feminine in the house. Yeah, amazing stuff. Dom, a fantastic set. I've run out of big joke books. Esperanza got you. Do we have more? Okay, yeah. They're going to hand you one when you go. Hey, thank you so much. Great stuff, Dom. Great job. Very funny.

2:03:06Brian Redban:Dom LaMarca, ladies and gentlemen, with his Kill Tony debut, seven years of doing comedy. And what a show. What an amazing, amazing night. There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen, and that is with the Hall of Famer with the all-time record for appearances on this show. The record holder for all-time interviews on this show. Some people call him the Prince of the Pauppers, the King of Cool, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

2:03:53Wait, in Red Band, I'm confused. What did you call the game where you ring somebody's doorbell and run away? What did you call it? Amy Schumer has lost 164 pounds. In related news, the United States is experiencing a critical Olympic shortage. but seriously the weight loss has increased her mobility which makes her a lot harder to chase down after she steals a joke the pharmacist asked if i was taking any other medications do four loco suppositories count

2:04:35whenever i think about global warming i think about oceans rising like think about epstein Island and how over time more and more of it will get covered up.

2:04:48Brian Redban:So we staged that intervention with my buddy and right before it started, they mentioned he would get a sponsor. And I was like, what the hell he gets paid? Y 'all need to intervene my ass. Okay. That's my time. Thank you. William.

2:05:05Brian Redban:The red ruckus Montgomery. Tony, do you understand what Red Band was would call the, we used to just call it Ring and Run. Whoa! Where on the East Coast were you raised? New York. Oh, wow. That's crazy. Yeah, it's incredible. Ring and Run. I've never heard of the racial element. I've never heard of it. You've never heard of it? I've never heard of Ring and Run! No, no, it's like pop and soda I think and coke, like people calling it the three different things. I think it's like that. That's a racial thing too? No, no, no. No, there's no. Depends how you say it. William, I got to acknowledge right off the top, you know, have you ever seen like when a scruffy dog gets a cute haircut?

2:05:50Brian Redban:You got a little haircut, didn't you? Thank you. I had. Did you get a little puppy cut? I got a little puppy cut, Tony, up at Petco PetSmart. You laid down on the table. I got a little puppy cut up at Petco PetSmart, Tony. But yeah, no, I had to go to my cousin's wedding back in Memphis this past weekend. Wow. And I hadn't gotten a haircut since December. Wow. Yeah, so I had to do that, so my parents would be happy to see me. It looks adorable. It's like I get to Memphis, and it's wonderful, but it's like we drive back to my parents' house, and the first thing I see is where young Dolph got assassinated in front of the cookie store.

2:06:25Brian Redban:And I'm like, God, this is scary. The great, legendary young Dolph. Young Dolph. Huge young Dolph fan. Yeah, young Dolph. So he got taken out, which is very sad. But, yeah, the wedding was very nice. and my parents really liked the haircut. Wow, it is incredible. It's like when a scruffy dog... Why is that funny? Just get sweet? Yeah, you got a little puppy cut. Puppy cut from Petco PetSmart, Tony. I love it. What else have you been up to this week, William? I'm up to two million meters on the row machine. Whoa. Two fucking million. Two million meters, ladies and gentlemen. I had a million on the fucking row machine.

2:07:08I had a horrible cyst on my face, Tony. It looked, it had been there over a year, and it was starting to stink. Oh, God. Which is sickening, yeah. Sometimes I would kiss gator, my little dog's stomach, and I'd think to myself, would a gator just step in shit or something? But it was actually my face. Oh, my God. So it was sickening. And then the other day, this past week, something started finally leaking out of it after over a year. And, Tony, I got two little pieces of rubbing alcohol wipes, and I got up to the mirror and I push it and Tony, it was the sickest shit. It literally squirted out of my face and hit the mirror with such force, it splashed onto the mirror.

2:07:46And Tony, it was horrible because I was trying to smell it the whole time, but the alcohol wipes made it so I could only smell the alcohol. Gosh darn it.

2:07:54Brian Redban:But it was sickening. Wow, that is absolutely. So that was exciting. That was the most exciting thing that happened to me this week, other than my cousin Grace getting married. Wow. That is amazing. Congratulations. Shout out to Grace. Yeah, shout out to Grace and Wesley. They're in Africa right now. They went to Africa for their honeymoon? Yeah. Wow, they're getting a divorce. Something's going to go wrong there. Yeah. Check in with our senior African correspondent, John Dees. Dees, what do you think about white people honeymooning in Africa? They're going to Senegal. You know Senegal? That's a terrible idea.

2:08:31Brian Redban:Terrible idea. Well, they're there right now. Wow. I don't know what to... Yeah. Okay. What else have you been up to this week, William? Anything exciting? Anything have you excited about life and inspired in anyone? Yeah, watching the Manning guy totally melt down because I grew up the giant Florida Gators fan and just watch fucking Texas go from what? Number one preseason of fucking out of the rankings was pretty sweet, Tony, because I kind of fucking can't stand Texas. Whoa. Whoa. And the Gators suck right now, and the Gators still beat Texas. So that makes Texas look worse, by the way, because Florida sucks right now.

2:09:14But that's how bad Texas is. That's how bad the Manning Kid is.

2:09:18Brian Redban:He's horrible. Whoa. He's actually a huge fan of the show and a huge fan specifically of yours. Well, he knows I'm kidding right now. We talk on the phone. He knows I'm kidding. He knows I'm kidding. It's part of our relationship. I'm like, dude, you lost to the Gators. I'm going to talk shit about your dumb ass. And he's like, dude, don't go too hard. And I was like, dude. Name some of your favorite football players of all time. Who are some of your favorite football players of all time in the great mind of William Montgomery? Here we go. Favorite football player. Hold on. What's Red Band doing?

2:09:58Why is he just making a silly little face over there? What was that? You making a face? Were you trying to make it so I can't remember fucking football players' names? Is that what you're trying to do? Trying to throw them off? I struggle with this kind of stuff? Why are you doing that? You're like a little fucking child, dude. You know I struggle with these fucking lists. Tony gets my ass to do sometimes. It's like you're making it that much more difficult. Funny faces. Do you see what I have to deal with, Tony? It's like that's why I've been struggling with the list. It's like I have to look at his stupid fucking ass.

2:10:26Whoa. And he looks so much like his mom. And when I'm going to pound town with his fucking mom. By the way, your mom loves it.

2:10:33Brian Redban:I've been on the row machine, fucking Red Band. Name some of your favorite football players, William. Emmett Smith. Okay. You're not that excited about Emmett. Keep naming your very favorite ones. Tim Tebow. That's a big one. Okay. Yeah, Tim.

2:10:57Brian Redban:William thinking hard to figure out a third football player, ladies and gentlemen. You got this. Julio knows more NFL grades. Julio Jones. Oh. Grade wide receiver for Bama.

2:11:15Brian Redban:You got this, William. Do one where you're not that excited about it so the horn players can do that funny thing where they just kind of trickle away, sadly. Tom Brady.

2:11:32Wow.

2:11:33Brian Redban:Okay, name one more that you're really excited about. Who do you think the greatest football player of all time is, William? They're probably watching right now. A lot of people yelling out OJ in the audience.

2:11:57Brian Redban:There's a lot of people yelling out a lot of names right now. William is... William... Why don't you just name some of your favorite types of candy or something instead? I didn't realize that... That you would stall out like this. What's your favorite kind of candy, William? Starburst right now, probably. Wow. Okay, what else? Chocolate. No, all M &Ms are chocolate. Peanut butter M &Ms. Okay. I mean, what's your favorite candy? What kind of candy really gets you excited? Peanut butter Snickers, Toad! Wow, William Montgomery. Thank you, Joe. Jesus. There he goes, William Montgomery. This episode brought to you by Nick Talkspace and Quo SalvolcanoComedy.com for tickets The Chicago Theater, The Beacon Theater in New York The Ryman Theater in Nashville And his new podcast coming this fall Is called Manoush, keep your eyes open for that The great Salvolcano The drawing from Ryan J.

2:13:02Brian Redban:Ebeld is in And it is unbelievably cool Gabriel Iglesias Is on tour, Fluffyguy.com He's fucking killing it Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show. I'm so grateful you guys came. Thank you so much. Thanks for having us. Always a good time. So much goddamn fun. Keeping eye on that merch. Hell yeah. Keeping eye on that merch. I want some of that black label Tapatio. Thank you to everybody and everything. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com secret show every Thursday. Yep. And I'm going to the Maverick Center in Salt Lake City, Utah, and a couple other cool places.

2:13:46Brian Redban:Kind of taking it easy for the rest of the year, but TonyHinchcliffe.com. Still a few tickets available for New Year's Eve here in Austin, Texas. A huge annual event. This year we're at the Moody Center for the first time ever. Big upgrade from our dear friends from the HEP Center. We love you guys. Thank you so much, everybody. Have a great night. Thank you.

2:14:20We'll be right back.

2:15:08Brian Redban:The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

2:15:39Thank you.

2:16:10Thank you.