#742 - TIM BUTTERLY + SAM TRIPOLI

16:43Tim Butterly:There's an almost imperceptible twitch on the upper lip. That is probably the most frightening part of the entire ensemble.

16:54Tim Butterly:You're completely lacquered in layers of moisture right now. It is the layers. How do you spell ensemble? I mean, that's like a growing up third grade word, right?

17:04Joe White:Bro, you look like both ice and the illegal.

17:12I'm here to get you Here we go One Mexican, two Mexican, three Wait, sorry, I did that wrong Uno, dos, tres Alright, so Stevie Go ahead and now is the time to tell us About the robbery In which you made friends with the people Alright, so I'm sitting at home It must be about 1.30 in the morning And I'm watching porn because that's what I do I love myself some porn And all of a sudden my porn goes out Well, what the hell? So this is Arizona, and I know that everything's hot outside, so I'll go outside to where it's like 140 degrees, and there's a person standing on my workbench ripping off my TV.

17:46And I'm like, whoa. So I flip the light on, she turns around and looks at me, and she goes, oh, shit. So I said, wait, hold on, let me get my dog secured. And once I got them secured, I went ahead and got her down, and then her man started beating on the garage. And I was like, whoa, tell your man I'm not calling the cops, just be cool, just be cool. What color are these people?

18:08I believe it's my understanding you're not allowed to ask me about that anymore. Okay, Stevie, very funny. Answer the fucking question. They were both of Latino descent. Okay, very good. All right, go ahead. All right, so once I open up the garage, he comes in, he's madder than shit, ready to beat my ass, and I look at her and I look at him, and they're like, okay, what are we gonna do? I was like, I'm not gonna call the cops. Are you guys hungry? and looked at me and said, yeah, we're hungry. I said, I got pizza. I just finished cooking it. Let's grab the pizza. I bring the pizza out, slam it down.

18:42He goes to town. He eats like three pieces and she eats one piece. Then they both start crying and then I had to start, you know, telling stories about Thailand again to get them to laugh. Why were they crying? Because they felt bad. They were in my place ripping off my shit.

18:54Tim Butterly:And they had to hear your comedy, right? Yeah. They're actually wiping his sweat out of their eyes. Well, Well, it was 120 degrees outside. How do you describe your comedy in one word?

19:08Joe White:What would you? Well, two words, maybe. Actually, 100. Wet and loud. I call it fast forward. That's what your comedy is, fast forward. You're doing 10 minutes in a minute. I love it.

19:21Brian Redban:Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Okay, Stevie, what do you do for a living exactly? What I am is I'm into race cars. So I find myself going to different race car crews at different race... Uh-huh. I find myself going to different race teams for different racing events, and I help them do stuff for the car. So wait, what the fuck do you mean? What exactly do you do in the race world? What's your job? Math. That's what he does. He deals math. What's the exact job? I can see you. Stevie, stick with me here. What's your job? How do you make money? All right, so on the weekends when there is a race is about two maybe three.

20:02Brian Redban:All right, Red Band, that's enough of the tense game show music. Go ahead. About two or three races a month is about what I get to pull off and is go and set up their t-shirts and shit and the canopy. There it is. You do merch for race car drivers. That's a great way to put it, yes sir. Yes, it is. It's the title of the job. I love it. I love it. And you're able to survive off doing that. Yes. How do you survive? It's just me. There's nobody else in the family. It's just me. So what happened? Have you ever been married before? I was. I was. It didn't work very good because I'm bad at relationships.

20:39Explain to us exactly what went wrong. I talk way too fast. Okay. She didn't get half the stuff I wanted when we were having sex. I was like, no, here now. It's like this way. All right. Okay. And she didn't like that. She wanted something slow. Did you ever once just make love to her? I think twice. Okay. Did you ever try not talking? That's why I'm alone, big brother. Wow, you're so scary. Stevie, what do you do for fun when you're not working in the race world? What's a fun fact about Stevie that would surprise us all? There's three things that I love. I love me some dogs. I love me some remote control crap, and I love me a 50-year-old woman who smokes and hates men.

21:31Brian Redban:Wow. Stevie, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely incredible.

21:38Brian Redban:Stevie. Yes, sir. Yeah. What's one more crazy fun fact about your life that would surprise us about you? I fought wildfire. You fought wildfire? Yeah. Just one? No, I got to spend some time on a hotshot crew and actually run around the nation fighting wildfire.

21:55Tim Butterly:They hung him from a helicopter and wrung him out.

22:01Brian Redban:The great Tim Butterly, ladies and gentlemen. Stevie, up here. Here it comes. It's a little joke book, buddy. Thank you, thank you. There he goes, Stevie, everyone.

22:13Brian Redban:There he goes. Stevie. I knew he was going to be wild. Oh, the great Heidi. Let me just remind everyone that I kind of guessed that. If you remember me saying he wrote his name a thousand times over itself. I mean, that is literally, he is that handwriting. You see what I was saying? Fucking crazy. You see that? How manic is that? That's ransom font right there. Yeah, exactly. All right, everybody, your next bucket pool. We're going to meet her all together. Make some noise for Annie Teicher, or teacher, perhaps.

22:52I've been dating, and it's been pretty bad. I'm not gay, but I'm getting there. I just seem to like the worst guys. I feel like this is a good example. The last guy I dated, one time I was over at his house. I fell down the stairs, and he shushed me.

23:21And I know what you're thinking. Wow, you were dating someone with a two-story home.

23:32I messed up. But dating is confusing. I'll go on a date and end up texting him, hey, we can't get to know each other if you don't come back from the bathroom.

23:49And I am done telling you guys I do comedy.

24:00Okay. I am done telling these guys that I do comedy, okay? I'm done. They're always like, oh, no way. Are you funny? And I'm like...

24:13Brian Redban:Okay, Annie, we're going to cut you off there. Sorry, we had some audio issues there.

24:21Brian Redban:Red band

24:22Joe White:She's a victim of domestic violence She shouldn't have done that Annie that was a fantastic set Congratulations How about another hand for Annie Great stuff I remember you You've been on this show before And it was very very very much fun You had a couple very viral moments And I remember them well Because they pop up And I see them sometimes you famously I identified you as one of the whitest white women in the history of the show and I said what is the blackest thing about you and you answered I shop at Ross and

25:00Brian Redban:the clips I mean the crowd went wild it was a whole thing I think I asked you another one too right what was it most Latina the most Latina thing about you And what was that answer? I draw my eyebrows on.

25:16Wow. Just honest and amazing. Absolutely perfect. How's comedy been going for you, Annie? It's been going well. I'm enjoying it. And it's been great. You live here in Austin? How do you make money? I am a golf professional at a country club in the suburbs. Oh, amazing. That's right. Incredible. Anything crazy happen at the golf course lately? Any wildly racist moments or anything? Nothing overtly racist. I saw somebody fall backwards. You're a golfer, right?

25:53Brian Redban:Yeah. So he had one foot out of the bunker, one foot in. There was a hill behind him. He was trying to get out of the bunker. Yeah. Exactly. And he whiffed the shot, and he fell backwards down the hill. Amazing. I love it. Did you tell him shh?

26:19Annie, you're so cool. How's dating life in real life? You're actually single? Why do you think you have a problem getting a man? Boy.

26:32What's the last date you went on? When was that? That was in January. Okay. And what exactly did you do in January? How'd you meet this guy? We met on Hinge. Okay. And what did he do? He took you to a restaurant or something? We got drinks, and I was pretty bored. Okay. Why exactly were you bored? What is that noise? Stop that. Whoever's doing that. um i just it was um he it was just him telling me about him and then i was i was there like kind of listen to it yeah what was he telling you um that he um he's thinking about getting a dog and uh was his name stevie no okay good so how'd the date end I said thank you

27:35amazing amazing so you know are you content being alone do you like being alone yeah I'm pretty happy yeah what do you do to kill the time what how do you you make like homemade candles or something Yes, yes. It's very sad and I do it, yeah, just me and the wax and... No, what do you really do? Okay, so, yeah, I work and I just do comedy. I've been doing this as much as I can. Nice. When you go on a date, do you have like different eyebrows?

28:12Brian Redban:Like sexy, like ones up like the Verizon logo, you know? Come on. Red band, why would you do that? This is an innocent woman and I don't know why you would offend her like that. Do you do wacky things with your eyebrows? Yeah, it depends on who I'm going out with. You do excited ones sometimes so that you sound interested when the guy's telling you that he's thinking about getting a dog. You're just like, yeah. Yeah. I want him to...

28:38Joe White:One just up where it always looks like you're questioning them. Do you ever do that? Where you're just like, hmm, frozen. That comes naturally, yeah. Sam's Armenian, so if you went on a date with him, you could just take a Sharpie and just go one big line across.

28:56I love it. Annie, I found your set to be incredible, so incredible. Have you been on the mic here? Has Adam, the booker here, seen you? I went on the open mic last week, and I got called back, and I just did it before this. Perfect. So everything's happening exactly as I think it should be going.

29:14Brian Redban:This is correct. Adam has good taste. You're good enough for Adam to like you. What's the longest set you've done? 20 minutes. Red Band? I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Boom. And you already have a big joke book, right, Annie? You already have one of these, right? Boom. There goes Annie Teicher, everyone. That could be one of the top young rising comedians in the world. That's how it works. They're coming here to Austin. It's all happening. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Could be the next superstar. Could be an insane person. It's Rise James Carmen, everybody.

29:57Usually it's only the fucking Asians that fuck my name up. My name's Reece. Anyway, thanks for being here, guys. But by the way, Austin, Texas, what the fuck's going on? I'm Australian. If you don't know, I'm not fucking British. Anybody? Yep. So I first get into America, right? I get into fucking Dallas, get into fucking Austin. I get picked up by a fucking Waymo, those driverless fucking cars. You seen those? I don't want to fucking get picked up by a Waymo. I want to get picked up by a Mexican with a cracked window.

30:28Your homeless people out here are fucking pretty wild. I mean, I'm in fucking Melbourne, right? Melbourne's got a lot of homeless people. Your homeless people are very specific. I got asked for 54 cents. I had to do the conversion of my hair It worked out to be about$1.30 That's about 30 cents over my empathy budget, bro And that's, I think, about all I got Because I did not think I was going to get picked tonight, motherfucker I was doing fucking shorts next door in fucking Shakespeare, so Alright Let's go Eight cuss words in 60 seconds from Reese? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, Reese, bro, yes Spell it R-E-E-C-E or R-H-Y-S Yeah Well, why do you spell it R-H-Y-S?

31:14Well, I don't know if you know how your names get fucking made, Tony, but my mom gave it to me.

31:18Brian Redban:Yeah, but you get mad every time somebody doesn't call that Reese, even though it literally isn't spelled like the name Reese at all. Yeah, it's Welsh. Do you know where Wales is? Yeah, yeah. Why are you asking me fucking... You already have a little attitude, huh? I got a fucking attitude. Those fucking mandatory COVID boosters got you confident, huh? Wow, look at you coming in. oh my name's fucking reese you idiot normally it's an asian to call me that i want to vlog in this fucking this and i'm fucking that it's the testosterone bro you're on testosterone i'm not but i've got a lot of it okay all right i guess so okay so reese where exactly are you from i'm from melbourne australia man thank you very much for this opportunity this is really sick i did not think this is going to happen.

32:07My girlfriend's backstage with me. Said, love you. Fuck, this is sick. Okay, that's, let's see, that's a lot nicer. You're dialing back a little bit.

32:16Brian Redban:You're appreciative for the moment that I gave you. I had to, I had to come out with a lot of energy because I was freaking out, bro. You're doing good. You're doing good. So tell us about your life. How long have you been doing stand-up? Six months. Six months. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think seven maybe now. Yeah. Okay. Any day now. It's going to be seven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you do for a living? I'm in sales. I'm a recruiter. I think you guys call them headhunters here every crew. Yeah All right, what are you recruiting exactly? I work in finance, bro I work for like pretty I work for a great company actually I don't know if I should plug them because they don't pay me enough for that But they're a great company and shout out to low market elevate

32:55Tim Butterly:What a plug it was Tim Butterly they'll love it you can't understand a single word of fucking saying can you? No, not one, but if we could get the phonetic spelling of that company and look up their reviews, I think that might be nice. Hey, great company. Is it really? Yeah, well, mate, I've just taken three weeks off to go, like, here. Actually, we accidentally booked at the same time as the Grand Prix.

33:18Brian Redban:Yeah. And I wanted to come specifically to Austin to do comedy and to go to the mothership, and this is the most expensive trip ever, but it's so good. And they gave me, like, I've got good time off, good people, good support, so, yeah. Okay, how long you been with this girlfriend of yours? We've been together for a year. Okay, does she do stand-up too? No, she doesn't. She just has to listen to my bullshit every fucking day. Right, what does she do? She's a, actually she manages a really good gym. She's a big dog, yeah. She's actually on the screens at BFTs in around the world, internationally.

33:48And we went to the one in The Grove maybe this morning? I don't know. Did you describe your girlfriend as a big dog? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's Croatian and jacked, bro. Yeah, she's jacked. Is she really jacked? Yeah, she's fucking got 14 % body fat, bro. Is she really backstage right now? Yeah, can we get her?

34:06Brian Redban:Yeah, let's get her out here. Yeah, let's get her out here. What's her name? Laura, like she's... Get her out here. What's her name? Laura Mattatek. Laura Mattatek. Laura Mattatek. Laura Mattatek. Laura Mattatek. Laura Mattatek. All right, send her out. Yes. Have her sign a waiver. Yeah, please. Send her out. These Australians are desperate. Bro, you should propose right now. I should propose.

34:28Joe White:Don't you... Just get on your knee. You fucked it. You fucked it. Yeah, you yelled at Tony. I'm fighting back. She doesn't know. Let's do this. She doesn't know. Let's do it. It's going to be the... Get on your knees, just fake it, and then she'll hate you too.

34:41Brian Redban:Hold on. Play cool. I just heard the door close. I heard the door close. She's going to come. I don't think we should do this. Ladies and gentlemen. Her mom. Her mom's going to hate me for this. What's her name again? Laura. Laura. Yeah.

34:53Joe White:Where is she right now? Australia? Where is she?

34:56Brian Redban:I don't know. I'm fucking next door. She's like a black guy. We've been... All right, Red Band. Jesus Christ. I didn't even hear that. Red Band's got no chance with it anyway. All right, ladies and gentlemen, what's her name again? My name? No. Her name or my name? Yeah. I'm confused. Reese, I'm Reese. Her name's Laura. All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Laura. Laura!

35:23Thank you, Sora!

35:27Brian Redban:What's going on? She doesn't want to come up? She's next door. Oh. Yeah, she's next door. Oh, it's okay. You said she's backstage. Oh, actually, apparently if you get an Aussie to do a shooey, it's like a major thing, yeah? All right, Ruiz. No. Don't do one. You want to do one? I'll do a fucking shooey. I don't give a shit. All right, let's do a shooey. You got a beer? Yeah, give me a beer. All right, we need a beer. We got a beer back there, Heidi? Has anyone, has any Aussie done a shooey on? Yeah, like ten times. Nah, let's not do it. No, I want to do it now. I want to make you drink a beer out of your fucking shoe.

36:05Brian Redban:Whoa. It's the big dog, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa.

36:15Brian Redban:Look at this happy couple. My goodness. I don't know how we manifested this. This is crazy. Oh, God. You didn't manifest anything. My random curiosity. You said that she was built like a brick house or whatever and so big dog cool

36:32Tim Butterly:You you were describing a muscle mommy. Yeah, you got called the 40 % body fat

36:40Brian Redban:Can you can you flex for us? Wait, what do I want you to flex? What do you got? Yeah, let's see that fucking cock Am I right? All right, I missed it. That was quick. All right, we got a beer. Come on, Heidi. Yeah, I've got to do a shooey, babe. I got a day of shooey now. Hey, babe, I got myself in a bit of a pretty gamin. I got a day of shooey, and the name's Reese, not Rice. Wow. Yeah. Her tits are real. What? Her tits are real, and the place is made out of cotton candy. Do the fucking shoeie, bro. Jesus Christ. I heard it's real. I've never seen anything quite like that before. He's running out of place.

37:27Wow.

37:30Brian Redban:Representing Australia. That's what they're famous for, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you that don't know, that is their contribution to planet Earth, drinking a beer out of a shoe. That's my second shoeie. My first shoeie was last night at Shakespeare's. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. Now we need new shoes. Now you can call your girlfriend cunt and she laughs, right? Is that how it goes? It depends. Hang on. Like, oh, you're a cunt. This is like an education about Australia. So, like, you need to... It's how you deliver it and it's your facial expressions. Oh, show me good, then show me bad. All right, so, Tony, you're a fucking cunt.

38:02That's good? Yeah, no, it's bad. Okay. And then you go, babe, you're fucking a hot cunt. All right, I'm kind of sick of you guys.

38:13Brian Redban:Is it because you haven't found love yet? I'm gonna throw two little joke books at the same time. Let's see if you guys can catch them. Ready? One, two, three. Crikey. Count it. That counts. Alright, there he goes. Reece James Carmen. Congratulations to the Australian couple that really gave us no interesting content of any kind. That interview was what I call bad. bad. But we did our best. Heidi ended up having bigger muscles and tits than his girlfriend. The muscles are real.

38:53Brian Redban:Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Danny Yang, everybody. We're going to meet Danny Yang right now here on Kill Tone.

39:07Hey, people, what's up, man? How's it going? All right, awesome, man. You know, people, I found out the word chink is an actual word, right? Not just a common greeting that it had in high school. Yeah. No, seriously, man, chink, if you look it up, man, it means dent or crack, all right? Yeah, yeah, but the common phrase is chink in the armor, which was kind of disconcerting because like earlier this year like when I went to like the renaissance fair right yeah because like I went as a knight right I went as a knight right yeah somebody's trying to hit yeah somebody's getting it humor apparently to this crowd is the chink in the armor but um no no so so what happens right they tell me like you got to go as something a little bit more Asian appropriate right so you know next year I'm not gonna go as a knight right I'm gonna go as a king yeah obviously a short king you know because that's Asian but um thank you somebody got that okay thank you people

40:15Brian Redban:all right Danny Yang it's a bad word you were saying oh come come hi Danny how How long have you been doing stand-up? Uh, give or take like 13 years. 13 years. Wow. Where at? San Francisco? Oh, my God. You're telling me San Francisco. Okay. Ooh. Ooh, you're telling me San Francisco. That's some kind of Epstein shit you're getting at me? No. Not today, Diddy. Nah. Danny. Sorry. Danny, where have you been doing stand-up at? It's a simple question. I'm sorry. Fucking attitudes on these people today. It's unbelievable. They're all going to be working with Kino next week on the Nowhere Nothing Burger show.

41:07I started in Dallas, but now I'm in New York. New York, very good. I love it. What do you do for a living? I work for a cancer clinic. A cancer clinic? Oh, my goodness. It's dealing out pills. Okay. You're an Asian nurse? No. Do I look Filipino? No, I'm not Asian.

41:31Brian Redban:Yes, you look Filipino. All right, well. You look like you've filled a few pinos before. My God. Do I fucking look Filipino? Are you gay, Danny? No, I am not. Please don't spread that word. Come on, dude. Danny, welcome to my world, buddy. This is incredible. Is this what I'm like? Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Now I'm starting to get it. Yeah. Starting to get it. So, Danny, do you get that a lot? Because you have some, like, feminine energies. Oh, my God, yeah. I love how you react to everything. Everything's just, oh, fuck. Oh, God. How dare you? Fucking San Francisco. Fucking shove it up my ass.

42:19Oh, it's bad, man. It's bad.

42:23Brian Redban:Look at you. All right, so Danny, do you have a girlfriend? No, no, I'm divorced. Okay, how long were you married for? About like 12 years. That's it, wow, she loved you a long time. Was she Asian as well? No, she was a Texan. She was a what? Texan. Oh, okay. White. Okay, a white Texan, wow. Yeah, those are rare. Hell yeah. Where'd you meet this at? Where'd you meet that girl at? Where'd you meet that girl? I met her online. Okay. I was in New York. She was in Texas. Then we kind of, you know, it was like one of those things. Wow. Look at that. And then you guys were just, you know, chatting online and then you went and visited her or she came up to New York?

43:08She came up to New York first and then like, you know, we couldn't afford to live in New York. So we went back to, you know, lived in Dallas. Okay. Look at that. Wow. And then, okay, so why did the divorce happen? Where did things go wrong with you and this sweet little white Texan?

43:27Brian Redban:Oh, my God. It's... Oh, my God. I don't even... I can't even fucking get started, Tony. Jesus fucking Christ. The list goes on and on and on. Tony! There's all Texan women in here. I'm not going to say shit. No, you go right ahead. You go right ahead. You say this shit. Be honest. She was good. She was a great person. It's just, like, I had to do something with my life. You know, besides, like, you know, just hanging out at, like, you know, freaking Whataburger. Right. You can't just hang out at Whataburger. No doubt about it. That's what she wanted to do. Did she get a little chubby as the years went on?

44:07Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah, she did. Danny Yang's like, no fucking way. Oh, my God, bitch. Bitch. Bitch, get it together. Too much fucking Whataburger, bitch. I love it. Yeah. There's all the sound effects of their relationship. But you didn't make any kids, huh? No, no, no. No, you didn't fucking throw some cream cheese in her wonton? No. Come on, nobody wants those half-breeds in Texas. No, nobody wants what? Those half-breeds in Texas. Oh, my goodness gracious. I think there's a lot of... Asian racism right there. Yeah, come on. We need half Asian, half whites with our booming tech industry. Well, it's like, how indecisive are you going to be?

44:58Either make, like, a round eye or, you know, slant eye. You know, just let's not mix it. Asian and whites make hot, hot kids. Well, it's always like somebody's winking, right? I love it. Are you 100 % Chinese, Danny Yang? I'm from Taiwan. Oh, perfect.

45:19Tim Butterly:So, yes. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Soon to be China. Yeah. Soon to be, yeah. You got it, though, man. I'm not going back there for a while. Wow. That way. Wow. Amazing, Danny. When's the last time you were there? Oh, God, I was a kid, man. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, they were, yeah.

45:44Brian Redban:They were throwing me on a boat, getting me out of there. All right, that's an odd way to travel to China, but okay. I like it. What do you do for fun, Danny? You seem like you have some interesting hobbies. Well, yeah, I mean... Oh, my God. Red Band. Red Band. God. Why would you do that to him? This is an innocent man who's just trying his best. I don't know why you would embarrass him like that. Do you sucky-sucky? Depends on how much you have on you. Okay. It's gotten that bad. Oh my god. All right, so where are we at with the hobbies there, Danny? Oh, I'm a screenwriter. I'm here for the Austin Film Festival.

46:23Oh, nice. Yeah, I'm here as a writer. Oh, wow, okay.

46:26Brian Redban:You wrote a movie? What? You wrote a screenplay that's in the festival? Yeah, I wrote a screenplay. What's it about? Oh, God. Oh, fuck. Tony, why do you ask these questions? I'm fucking straight. I'm Danny Yang. Fucking Batch. All right, go ahead. What's the screenplay about? I got two in. That's what she said, right? Your wife probably did.

47:00Joe White:Hey. He doesn't have strap-on energy, everybody? Batch. I actually have a dick. I don't need a strap-on, man. I mean, in your butt. Oh. All right, they're called cucumbers, you know? Oh, yeah. My God. What the hell?

47:20Brian Redban:What the hell? I love you, Danny. You're a funny guy, dude. I have to go to San Francisco now, man. Oh, my God. Let's go. You know. Let's go, Danny. They called it love. Love and lost. That's it. Yeah. I love it, Danny. So, other than screenplays, you seem like a guy. You have a fish tank? I'm getting fish tank energies from you. Do you have a fish tank? Empty. No, I don't have a fish tank. You don't have a fish tank. Have you ever? No, no, my dad had one. Your dad had one. That's what I'm feeling. I was feeling fish tank. It's clearly coming from your father. Oh, yeah, yeah.

47:58Joe White:What's your favorite karaoke song? I like that Elvis. A little bit, a little more conversation. A little less. A little less conversation, a little more action. Whoa. I've told Rachel's satisfaction in me. Wow. I like that one. Look at that. And Gagnum style, obviously.

48:29God, you're funny, Danny Yang. I like you. Well, flattery will get you everywhere with me into San Francisco, I guess. I love it. So tell us more. How long ago was the divorce? It's going on like five years now. And have you been dating women since then? Not with the gay rumors, man. Have you been dating women since the divorce? No, no. I've been on a few dates, and they've been horrible. It's New York. Really? Can you tell us about a bad date? Can you give us an example of one that just went that you hated? Well, I kind of went on one where it was another comedian, but she would not engage with jokes.

49:09It was like having like an outer body experience.

49:12Tim Butterly:Uh-huh. You know, it was just like, do they not have humor, like where you're from? And, you know, and she didn't think that was funny. I was like, obviously not, you know? Right. She wasn't having any fun. Was this another white girl? Yeah. Have you ever been with a black woman? No, no, not yet. Oh, not yet. Have you been with a Latina before? No, I don't, no. Have you ever been with anything other than a white? Actually, no. Really? Yeah. Have you ever been with an Asian woman? I have only been with white women, now that I think about it. Look at you. Look at this guy. This is like a... Betraying your race.

49:46That's me. I love it.

49:49Joe White:It's gotta be hard for you to make love to Asian women. It's like looking at yourself, right? Yeah.

49:56Brian Redban:Two wongs don't make a right. Oh, my God.

50:05Brian Redban:Danny, I feel like I could talk to you forever. How long are you in Austin for? Probably until, like, Halloween, November 1st. I'd love to have you on Secret Show Thursday. Oh, yeah. Boom.

50:15Tim Butterly:Thank you.

50:15Brian Redban:Thank you so much. You're getting a big joke book soon, Danny. Make some noise for Danny Yang, everybody.

50:26Brian Redban:Danny Yang. Danny Yang. All right. We're having fun. How about a hand for Heidi? She has a new podcast, Love on the Line, with the great Valerie Vaughn. We love Heidi.

50:42Brian Redban:Look at Heidi fixing Kino's problems for some duct tape. The number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by duct tape.

50:58Brian Redban:This episode's actually brought to you by Talkspace. As you can tell, some people really need the help. Go to Talkspace.com, use the promo code KELTONY. Save your own mental health. All right, your next bucket pool, everybody. We're flying through them tonight. You guys still having fun out there? All right, make some noise for David Wayne, everybody. It's David Wayne.

51:26I used to have a job where I read a lot of police reports, and sometimes in the police reports, the arresting officer would write in the narrative, my body-worn camera was active during the arrest. But then if I wrote out that whole phrase, they would abbreviate it. So it would read, my BWC was active during the arrest. Yeah, if you're laughing at that, you're my people. If you're not laughing at that, you're still my people who just haven't been corrupted by the internet yet. Because if you're unaware in porn, BWC stands for big white cock. Yeah, so now Davey reads a police report as my big white cock was active during the arrest.

52:01And every one of those, there was always an additional charge for resisting officer. Yeah, no shit, dude. This guy's coming to me holding his nightstick and his baton. He was yelling out wild shit like, Blue Chews Matter. It's crazy. Hell yeah, dude. So obviously, if you couldn't tell by looking at me, it's pretty obvious from the set as well that I really enjoy titty fucking. I do. I just hate when the lube gets matted up in my chest hair. You guys have been great. Thank you. David Wayne.

52:38Brian Redban:Welcome, David. Is this your first time on the show? Yes, yes it is. I love it. Welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like 10 total, but six serious. Okay. Where at? Tampa. Tampa, Florida. Wow. Shout out SodSplitters. Yeah, we love SodSplitters. Filthy Tampa. We love it. Is that where you're born and raised? No, I'm from Virginia originally. Okay, what made you pick Tampa? I can't afford... Well, sorry. Wow, all right. You can't afford what? I thought you asked me, why did you pick Austin? And that's what fucked me up. Tampa was a girl, my ex-girlfriend. Oh, okay. Everyone's exed up.

53:13What happened with this relation? How long were you with her for? 14 years. Oh, my God. A lot of long relationships coming to an end. What went wrong? You rolled over on top of her?

53:27No, she was a big girl, too. Oh, okay. Look at you. A couple of... How does that work? How does it work? You gotta do the lift. You know, get in... Oh, my God. A lot of folds and flays. It's like origami. You know, you just get in there. You're bending a lot. Do you each pick a side to push all your meat to? No. I wish, dude. You wish that you did pick a side? Yeah. Amazing. So, what went wrong with this? I started doing stand-up comedy. That's it. That'll do it. Basically, yeah. I mean, because this is, you know, this is like a relationship. And she was a nurse, or is a nurse, and she has a daughter.

54:03So, like, I had to babysit, but also, like, go out and do shit. That's why I was only six years, because, like, the first three and a half years, I only got up, like, once a week. And you're not going to get good doing that. Right. Okay. What do you do for a living? I work in a mail room in town here. Okay. Tell more. Yeah. Like postal, Tony. Not a room filled with mail? Oh, no. What do you do in the mail room exactly? We're just checking all the packages. Steal coupons for TGI Fridays.

54:31Brian Redban:Check all the packages? Tell me about it. Oh, God, get Danny Yang up here again. That's all I do is check packages. Oh, it got too gay. D-Madness is leaving. There he goes. Famous homophobe. The resident homophobe of the show. D-Madness. He's only allowed 20 gay jokes per episode. There you go. The crowd goes wild for homophobia.

54:59Brian Redban:What do you think about the gays, David Wayne? I love them. There you go. Good answer. Okay. What else do you do, David? What are your hobbies? Do you have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to probably win an oyster eating competition. I go to the gym. Shut the fuck up. And do what? I do what? I swear. I swear to God, I go to the gym. Just for the smoothies? What do you do at the gym exactly? I got out of a 14. I'm trying to slim this down. I've actually lost 65 pounds. Wow. Amazing.

55:36Amazing. What exactly? Take us through your routine at the gym. You go in with a gym bag? Yeah. It's actually at my office. So I get off work at 5. I go up to the gym. Just a completely inappropriate sound effect. Go ahead. No, I just go to the gym, work out for about an hour and a half. I do the Stairmaster treadmill, and then I walk down here, hit shows and mics and stuff, you know, when I can. So it's a lot of walking. I'm glad it's coming up on big man season. It's about to get cold, so. Yeah. Yeah, it's hot here. Amazing. So now you live by yourself? No, I have a roommate. Oh, okay. They do comedy, too?

56:11Yeah. All right. And it's a two-bedroom? Yep, two-bedroom, two-bath. Two-bath. Yeah. Look at that. Look at you. Nobody wants to share a bathroom with me. Right. Exactly. Do you have any weird eating habits?

56:27What's your poison? What's just your go-to when you're feeling sad? What do you cry and eat at the same time? Pussy? Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah.

56:40Joe White:Did you chip your tooth eating pussy? That's all from Florida. Yeah, that is. That's some fucking Tampa dentistry right there. A real fucking Picasso of teeth.

56:53Brian Redban:That's amazing, David. Well, my goodness. When's the last time you were on a date, David? Friday. This past Friday. Oh, wow. Look at you, playboy. Yeah. Where'd you go on Friday? We went out to a place off Congress, South Congress, and came back to my house. Wow, look at you. You closed it with her? You lifted it up? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I got in there. I got in there, baby. First date slam, dog? Well, we've been dating, but yeah. Wow. No, it's because the 14 relationship, I've only slept with like three people. So now four, I guess. Yeah. They slept with three people, too, at the same time. That's you.

57:35You're three people.

57:38Brian Redban:You're three people. David, you're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book. Congratulations, David. Thank you. There he goes. All right. We're just going to keep going through it. We don't have another regular till the end of the show, so we're going to get some extra bucket pulls up here today. Make some noise to your next comedian. It's KJ, everybody. We're going to meet KJ together. Just two letters. KJ. Make some noise, Austin. Let's go. Listen, guys, I love my girlfriend. I'm going to marry my girlfriend, but she is a fucking retard. I'm serious. Like, I'm going to write a book and call it, I'm in love with a retard.

58:26Basically, she goes around complaining, always fighting, arguing with me. This is chapter one. Basically, I'm telling you that what happened was she was shaving her pubes, right? Long story less long. She got an ingrown hair, and then she's telling me it was herpes. And I was like, what the fuck? And then she's like, when was the last time you ever got tested? And I was like, baby, I've been tested before. I never had herpes. I had chlamydia. Those are two different things. And I remember when the doctor called me and told me, I was crying. Like, I was happy. Those were tears of joy. I wasn't sad.

59:07I was just happy that I didn't have herpes. That's my time. Thank you, guys.

59:13Brian Redban:Wow, all right. Sam Tripoli was the only laugh in the room there at the end. Giving it up. Giving it up for another dark, hairy animal. Just like you, Sam. Just like your brother. Hi, KJ. How are you? What ethnicity are you exactly? I identify as Italian. I bet you do. Wouldn't that be nice? But what are you? My job be. You're what? Sick. Okay. Yeah. Sick, dude. Yeah. Fuck yeah. And do your parents know you do stand-up? uh yeah i remember when i told my dad he was like you're not gonna be fucking russell peters yeah and he was like be like a truck driver or something right so how long you been doing it to be honest i've been doing it for a while but i've only gone on like maybe 10 15 shows like open mics and stuff i treated this like an open mic that was the first time i ever performed that set probably the last time right yeah um all right i thought it would crush i'm not gonna lie I was so excited

1:00:15Joe White:What was the punchline you thought was going to get the big boom? You go, my girlfriend's a retard

1:00:26I thought that was the setup But I was actually the part where I was getting herpes And then getting chlamydia I thought that was funny And that's all made up too I don't really have herpes or chlamydia Is your girlfriend cool with you?

1:00:42Joe White:bombing and telling everybody she has herpes is that cool yeah she's happy i just came here for fun it's all fun at the end of the day You're doing a good job, KJ. What do you do for a living? I'm a baggage handler. A baggage handler? Wow, they let you put bags on airplanes? Jesus fucking Christ.

1:01:04Brian Redban:My God, so you really do specialize in bombing and all jobs. This is incredible. That is not right. That is not right. Wow. A brown baggage handler. That's like having a black guy watch your wallet for you. Am I right? For a living, a black guy. Or having an Asian guy watch over your soft-boiled face. Okay. Wow, look at the serious look on KJ's face. I should have just pandered to everybody and said that. I thought that would have been funnier. How would you have done that? What would you have done? Just did some typical Indian jokes. I smell like curry, all that kind of shit. Do you have jokes like that?

1:01:46Can you do one for us? Uh, not off the top of my head, no. Oh, okay.

1:01:51Brian Redban:I don't like to pander to white people. Normally, you do have a lot of material on the top of your head, your people. Normally. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. We're doing it tonight.

1:02:06KJ, what does your mom do for a living? She does, like, customer service. That makes sense. Call center? Does she work at a call center? Not like a call center, more like front desk people, but she does take calls, obviously. And the dad, what exactly does the dad do? My dad works at like a lumber mill. Oh, lumber mill. All right, that's different. I wouldn't have expected that. All right. KJ, what's your love life like? You have a girlfriend that's real? Yeah, she's real. Okay. She doesn't have herpes. Sure. And how long you been with her? Since January, February. Okay. Alright. Where'd you guys meet?

1:02:47Agrabah. What's that?

1:02:50Tim Butterly:It was a Princess Jasmine joke, I'm sorry.

1:02:56Brian Redban:Is she brown as well? Yeah. She's Indian? Yeah. Same thing all the way? All the way. Fuck, yeah. That's how they do it. Yep. You find yourself only attracted to those type of people? No. Anybody is fine. I'm not racist or anything like that. Okay, perfect. Yeah. But do you have a preference? Like we just had Danny Yang up here. He's from Taiwan and exclusively has only been with white women before. Do you find yourself having a preference of any kind? Um, not really. It doesn't matter. I think all women doesn't matter. Like, it doesn't matter to me. Yeah, you have herpes, by the way. What do you do for fun, KJ?

1:03:36You have any hobbies or anything like that? Snowboarding, like to ride bikes, like to chill, play video games, feel like that. Wow, snowboarding. That's another, I just wouldn't have guessed that your people really do that. Take a picture of maybe sandboarding or something like that.

1:03:54Brian Redban:Even waterboarding I think your people are very good at. But snowboarding is incredible. It's absolutely amazing. KJ, fun times, man. Come sign up again sometime. Next week. There you go, KJ, everybody. Thank you, guys. I'm going to keep it moving along here. Your next comedian, his name is familiar. We're going to see her again. It's Sarah Klein, everybody. Time for Sarah Klein. It's Klein time.

1:04:32Recently took home a dude who's an optometrist, brought him into the bedroom. He started doing this thing where he was like, okay, here's one finger, and now here's two. Do we like the one? Do we like the two a little bit better? Back to the one. Let's throw it over to a three. That one is for astigmatism. Turns out I do have astigmatism. That is not the only form of tism that I have. yeah my ancestors came down the tism trail it's a history joke uh i have what used to be called asperger's they don't call it that anymore because it turns out the dude that it's named after is a nazi but also that's been coming back on vogue i don't know but the rebranding is it's now called level one autism which for me as a gamer is mildly infuriating because i'm like what do i gotta do to get to the next level wow sarah klein

1:05:49amazing set thank you fantastic how long you been on stand-up how much six years six years Where at, Sarah? Mostly Dallas. I started in Austin, but that was in, like, 2019. Then you moved to Dallas? Yeah, and then Seattle, and then back to Dallas. Wow. What made you move to Dallas? The pandemic and my place of living closing down. I moved back with my parents. Ah, the parents are in Dallas. Yeah. That makes sense. What in the world would make you move to Seattle? Grad school. Okay. Yeah. That makes sense. What did you get a degree in? I got a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing. Damn, look at you.

1:06:33Unbelievable. Sarah, what do you do for a living? Uh-oh. I do cat sitting.

1:06:43Brian Redban:Oh, my God. I think you hit level two. That is amazing. You're a professional cat sitter, one of the few animals that famously can be left alone. And yet that is your specialty. I mean, that is just an incredible job. How did you start becoming a professional cat sitter?

1:07:13You go to grad school and then you don't get paid over the summer, so you find odd jobs.

1:07:19Brian Redban:There's a cool cat right here. It's Dee Madness, everybody. Look at that. he's a cat that does a lot of sitting and yet we are here with the true cat sitter is that cat sitting ever gone wrong for you anything crazy ever happened I mean I've had cats that like want to kill me yeah yeah okay occasionally like a couple what have they done to try to kill you I mean like they like stalk me whenever I'm in like the premises and then they're like hissing and they're like following me and trying to like attack me and I have to like grab like a vacuum or something and be like these kittens well maybe they're just playing with you our senior cat correspondent Brian Redband owns many cats it's part of his identity he loves his cats very much he tells everybody that he should have cats.

1:08:18He's always covered in cat hair. Are they kittens? Huh? Nothing. What do you do for fun, Sarah? Take us through some of your hobbies and whatnot. Let's fucking really figure out how autistic you are. Well, I'm a pole dancer. Really? Oh, my goodness. For fun, not for money. I love that. I like to go birding. Okay, tell us what birding is exactly. It's bird watching. It's It's just like a little more active because you actually try to identify the species and you keep like a list. Do you ever find yourself like trying to paw at the birds because you've spent so much time with cats? No. No. All right.

1:09:00Yeah. Okay. Do you do anything not autistic?

1:09:04Brian Redban:I mean pole dancing is pretty not autistic. I mean that's incredible.

1:09:08Tim Butterly:By yourself is still autistic.

1:09:14Brian Redban:And when you count exactly how many times you went around the pole. 75 odd number, we're done. Nobody touched those ones on the floor. I already counted them.

1:09:28Pole dancing, birding. What do we got in the three spots, Sarah Klein? I'm a poet. That's what I went to grad school for. Wow. All right. What do you specialize in? Haikus? That's the only kind I know. Just like contemporary, free verse, confessional. Okay, so you're like Lil Wayne or something like that. Lil Wheezy? Sure, yeah. Yeah, all right. What's your love life like, Sarah? Have you ever... Have I? Yes. I didn't.

1:10:03Tim Butterly:Yes. Is there any chance you're a gay Chinese guy?

1:10:06Brian Redban:Oh my God.

1:10:08Tim Butterly:I don't know why this keeps happening, Tony.

1:10:09Brian Redban:I'm back. What's your love life like, Sarah Klein? You seem to have cool swagger to you. I like your style. That little skeleton hand's cool. Peace. Okay. I mean, I was in a long-term relationship like a year ago. Did it last like about 12 years? Oh, okay. It was like two and a half. Oh, that's not that long. Yeah. Tell us about it. Was he autistic too? No, I don't believe so. We met in grad school. he was also a poet. Wow, look at that. Just two poets. Cats sitting together.

1:10:46Tim Butterly:Was it clear which one of you was a more gifted poet? Yeah. Me. Wow, look at that.

1:10:54Joe White:Who paid the rent? Who paid rent? We shared it. I love it. I love it. Do you make good money cats sitting? What are we talking about here? No, I don't know. I mean, How do you survive, Sarah?

1:11:15My parents right now. Wow. And how much are you in debt in college? None. None? It was all paid for. You got scholarship? No, I went to a fully funded, yeah. Amazing. Look at that. Okay, so what are your plans for the future, Sarah? What are some short-term goals that you have? I want to date a woman. Ooh. Have you ever tried dating a woman? Tried? Yes. I haven't been on a date with a woman. Okay. So when you say try, what did you do?

1:11:48Tim Butterly:I babysat her cat for free. Yeah. I mean, like, I've talked to women online on, like, dating apps. It's just never gotten to the actual. Have you ever kissed a woman? Yes. Okay. Have you kissed a woman in Texas? Yes. Have you kissed a woman in Austin, Texas? No. Whoa.

1:12:09Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Do you want to? Is there a beautiful woman out there that wants to come up and give Sarah Klein a kiss? Wow, there's a beautiful brunette right there. Come on up, you slut. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Wow, she's actually quite beautiful. What a special fan base we have. Give yourselves a hand. This is a little segment on the show called Kiss Me. We've been doing it 13 years. when the time is right. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh. We are the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Talkspace. That's Sarah Klein.

1:12:51Joe White:We're already moving in with each other.

1:12:55Are you damp right now? Red band. You can't say that to people. This is a professional show. We have sponsors. That's out of control. Are you... All right. How do you feel right now, Sarah? Good. Yeah. It was a pretty, pretty girl. I can't complain.

1:13:15Joe White:Yeah. Did you feel something? Was there a little fire? A little bit, yeah. A little scissors, sister? I felt something, yeah. Amazing. Amazing. How about one more time for the lady that did that? The hero.

1:13:32Brian Redban:She's gone. Oh, she's signing a waiver. I love it. We have to make sure we don't get sued by whores. You know what I'm saying? I love it. Sarah, anything else crazy about your life? She's already getting clingy, dude. Yeah, exactly. These fucking lesbians are wild, dude. Now's your chance. Propose. Yes, I actually, I talked about it the last time I was on. I have two vaginas. Oh, my God. Do you like Asian girls? Okay, hold on a second. Sure? Yes, then there could be three vaginas you can't please at once, Redman. It'd be amazing. Hey, wait a second. Why would you say that about me? Oh, I immediately came and fell asleep.

1:14:15Brian Redban:Oh. Okay. Tell us more about these two vaginas. Somehow I don't remember that. I don't remember talking about this. I'm kidding, Tony. Yeah, exactly. Sounds like double trouble to me. Ew, double disgusting. You are saying you have zero pieces.

1:14:34Tim Butterly:Or something like that.

1:14:41Tim Butterly:Somehow slipped my mind.

1:14:50Oh, yes. Tell us about your two vaginas. Yeah, yeah. There's a septum dividing into two canals. I have two cervices. When I get a pap smear, they have to label it left and right. Oh, my God. So it literally looks like...

1:15:08Wow. I mean, from the outside, it looks normal. Like, it's just one set of labia. It's like when you actually go inside.

1:15:15Joe White:Oh, my God.

1:15:15Tim Butterly:It's like a trap door? No, it's like two smaller vaginas on each other's shoulders under one trench coat.

1:15:28Brian Redban:Ah, Tim motherfucking Butterly. Oh, my God. It's not evenly divided, though. One is actually, like, infant-sized. They had to use, like, a pediatric spectrum. Red band just came in his pants, everybody. Wow. An infant-sized vagina. He's literally Googling you right now. This is incredible in real time. Wow.

1:15:52Tim Butterly:Do you have a regular hole in a premium? Oh, my God.

1:16:00Tim Butterly:Incredible. Sorry, I don't mean to hate you guys with all this jargon. This is amazing. Double vaginas is absolutely incredible. So, do you ever do anything with the infant-sized one? Do you ever put like a zen pouch in there or anything? No. Okay, what have you done with it? Have you ever, like, the tip of a pinky, anything? Yeah, I'm sure there's been like a finger or two in there. Mmm. Mmm. You have like a six-pack, right? Sure. Jesus fucking Christ. Did you consider saving one of them for marriage?

1:16:36Joe White:Yeah. Yeah.

1:16:43Wow. No. My goodness. Your lesbian friend seems very excited to perhaps have the old entree and side dish. This is like when you get to pick two at a P.F. Chang's, two entrees. I will have the sweet and sour chicken and the steak with broccoli. Do they share the period? Like, is there like a, like, or do you? Yeah. It's a double period or an exclamation point? What's it like? Yeah. Is it a tsunami? I say tsunami three times.

1:17:19Brian Redban:Danny Yang comes out of nowhere. Be careful. Oh, my God, I'm back. Double vaginas. A white girl from Texas with two vaginas? I have two slits, too. They're called my eyes.

1:17:40Oh, yes. What did I ask you? What was the last question? I mean, I guess it might be, like, heavier than a normal. My uterus is also, like, an anomaly. It's shaped weird. It's kind of, like, double-horned. ish wow this is amazing yeah red band somehow came in his pants on infant vagina and i can

1:18:04Brian Redban:clearly see he's hard yet again immediately and you're not calling your butthole vagina like most girls right no that's that's the old bread band you are really something else you are really

1:18:18Tim Butterly:something else red band and have we covered have you ever considered using both at the same time I mean, if it's a hand, yes No, I mean, you know what I mean actually Don't fucking play with me No

1:18:34They have to use a pediatric speculum to look in there So it's real small Wow, pediatric speculum is actually

1:18:41Tim Butterly:Your gang's boy is so fired up right now It's crazy I've never heard anybody say my wifi password out loud

1:18:48Brian Redban:But pediatric speculum is my wifi password Stay away from my house. Do not log on to my Wi-Fi. I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't leak information like this, but pediatric speculum Pediatric speculum 420 Red Band keeps having me say 420 because pediatric speculum is too easy to get So I had to throw a few numbers there at the end

1:19:15Tim Butterly:You can actually go in the merch store right now and buy a Kill Tony pediatric speculum as this episode airs

1:19:24Brian Redban:The new fly swatter. We do have a brand new Kill Tony fly swatter that is for sale. You may remember a couple episodes ago, there was a lot of flies. So our merch guy, actually, how about a hand for Brandon? He's actually here tonight. Our merch guy, along with the great McVader, decided to make fly swatters. We might have to do a Kill Tony pediatric speculum. Wow. Is there any other times? I just find this to be such a compelling interview. Are there other times where the double vagina, the old DV, has affected your life in any way? Let me ask you this. This might be, this is getting crazy. This is like old school Stern interview shit.

1:20:07But have you noticed when a guy's gone down on you, right? Have you noticed that he slips into, is there a way to slip into both with a tongue? Probably not. It's like. in there. Yeah, you have to go in a little bit to get to where it's... Is it like, is it down, is there like a map that you can draw exactly?

1:20:29Joe White:It's like a choose your own adventure, right? That's how it goes? Kinda, yeah. Is it by the cauliflower? Like, is it next to it? Talk red. What? That's crazy. Red band. You're being bad tonight, red band. It's not good. Stop it. Is it by the cauliflower?

1:20:50Brian Redban:I'm kidding, we're kidding I'm familiar with this term I know, he doesn't know what call it

1:20:54Tim Butterly:He's never seen real cauliflower before

1:21:00Tim Butterly:But seriously, have you ever considered calling it a bonus level? No, I haven't That's a free one, bitch, take it

1:21:08Brian Redban:Unbelievable Sarah, we love you I'd love to have you on The Secret, so

1:21:20Brian Redban:Very bad, Red Band. She's getting two sets.

1:21:31Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Abste Madness is in heaven right now. He's got two hands up in the air because a double vagina is the least gay thing ever. So he is so happy right now. Wow, and you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna give you one big joke book and one smaller joke book and I'm going to hide the smaller joke book. You're gonna have to find it It's gonna be quite the adventure for you. The great Sarah Klein everybody amazing Wow

1:22:14Brian Redban:Wow 17 minute long interview. What's the lesson here, people? Have two vaginas. Oh, look at this one vagina bitch. Boring! Oh my God. That is a woman that never needs a pediatric speculum. Can you imagine if she had two vaginas? Dude.

1:22:47Brian Redban:If Heidi had two vaginas,

1:22:52Brian Redban:we'd retire. Just kidding, I'm gay. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Joe Filey, everybody. Joe Filey.

1:23:07Fuck yeah, mothership. Damn, I've been working with my grandpa. We're trying to make him less racist. So now whenever he says some fucked up racist stuff, he goes, no homo afterwards. Bro, it's kind of like a flashbang. The black guy don't even remember the N-word he just said. He's like, you call me gay?

1:23:28No, yeah, no, grandpa's fucking... Even, like, Ultima will go by with no bumper. He's like, black lady, no cat. I love that you know these terms, dude. I remember in high school I was dating this Puerto Rican chick and he compared her to a pit bull. He's like, you feel safe in your house, and you look cool in public, but at some point he's gonna try to bite your sister-in-law.

1:24:00Damn, I was really hoping for a meow so the pit bull could bite it right there. All right. No, yeah, I don't know. Gramps is cool. Like, like I said, it's like a flashbang. When he goes no homo, the black guy thinks he's calling him gay, and he's like, listen, I have no problem with f***ing. It's just blacks. All right, that's my time. Thank you.

1:24:16Brian Redban:Joe Feily, what a great set. Best set that you've ever had on the show, I do believe. For sure, thank you. Hell yeah. That's fantastic. There's nothing I love more than when people seem to be getting better, and you seem to be getting better. How long have you been doing stand-up now? Three and a half, four years, probably. Three and a half years. And how long have you been hiding underneath everybody's beds? Where do you do it? You live in Austin, Texas? Yeah, until the night. I'm moving to New York tomorrow. You're moving to New York? Yeah. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah, I got my job back at Amazon, which I lost on my first Kill Tony.

1:24:49Brian Redban:You lost because of talking about it on the show? They had more problem with the retard than the cocaine. They didn't care that I mentioned I worked at Amazon. Right. It was the follow-up questions. Maybe you shouldn't talk about it right now, though. Yeah. Are they going to be cool with that? Are they gonna be cool with that? Actually, they didn't have a problem with f***ing. They had a problem when I kept calling the two gay black guys them people trying to be proactive.

1:25:17I'm gonna lose this f***ing job all day.

1:25:21Brian Redban:Wow. Amazing. So Joe, what else is going on? Are you excited about New York? Have you been there? Yeah, that's where I started. Comedy was up in New York. And then like I ran JFC Entertainment out here just running shows in Austin for two years. JFC, that's... Jokes for comics. I don't know. I always do like really raunchy jokes. I always like... I thought that was John Deez's meal plan. JFC, Just Fried Chicken. That's what I... But no, yeah.

1:25:49Brian Redban:Okay. Red band. Austin was super nice to me. Like I ran a whole bunch of shows here, paid my bills, and now I just... Broadway, comedy, and a couple clubs up there. Nice enough to let me come run some shows up there. So I'll go try New York. I love it. Joe, what are you doing for Halloween exactly? Because it looks like you celebrate I'm probably gonna be in Times Square Barking for my show Because I only sold like 12 tickets so far Alright, okay 12 tickets Test out the bark What are you gonna be yelling out there? Alright, very good It works with this face It's like a make-a-wish Alright I love it What's your love life like, Joe?

1:26:30Yeah, what is it like? Last time we talked about this I had a whole bunch of single moms from the dollhouse coming after me, so I'd rather not mess with a single mom owned business. What's the dollhouse? Fuck. All right. Well, they changed their name. They went full Chinese buffet. They have like the same food, but a different name now. Is this the guy that came inside the girl? Oh, no, no, no. That was like a yay tall like Guatemalan. Oh, wow. Okay. You specialize in race recognition. Someone let you nut in them. Someone let you nut in them. For like 200 extra on the$75 manager special. Wait, that really happened?

1:27:04I can't. They actually, like, they tried to take me to court. Dollhouse, like, tried to have me, like, I legit cannot talk about this. Wait, hold on.

1:27:12Brian Redban:Because of what you said on Kill Tony? Yes, they got 20 ,000 follows that night, and every single mother from the Dollhouse was telling me how I was ruining a single mother-owned business. And then the little fat bitch...

1:27:28Oh, my God. We're already here, but, yeah, the little fat bitch who runs the place It was like, did Heidi put you up to it? I'm like, if Heidi DMs me, you're not going to see me signing up for Kill Tony anymore. Like, I made it, all right? Wow, this is absolutely incredible. You are one of the most self-destructive humans we've ever had on this show.

1:27:48Brian Redban:You just lost your job, got a new lawsuit, and didn't sell a ticket to your New York show at the same time. Bro, listen, sales in two weeks are going to be all right up there, all right? If I sell 20 tickets at Broadway, he's got me a free slice of pizza. Wow. And seven minutes. Look at that. Unbelievable. Tim Butterly, what do you think about this guy? I see you're in awe right now. Staring right down the barrel of what appears to be one of the villains from Superman 4.

1:28:18Tim Butterly:A huge fan of your comedy. That was an incredible set. I've just been staring at your head for seven minutes. I mean, I'm not even sure which questions to ask. I guess I want to start with, are you aware of anything that might have happened either during childbirth or your early life? I mean, my mom's not vaccinated, but she took Tylenol, so I'm meeting John Cena at some point. Yeah, for sure. What else? What do you think? Do you have brothers and sisters? Yeah, but they all have a different mom, and they look to be all right. Like, I think my mom was... It's definitely not from my dad's side.

1:28:54Brian Redban:Do you think perhaps when you were born, you came out of the wrong hole, perhaps? Some women, I don't know if you know this, some women have a double vagina. You would need a pediatric speculum. I was a C-section for sure. I was a big A fan. There's no way a vagina can put that. You were a D-section, my friend. I've had this head since birth. I was born with this brow ridge. The kid photos look the same. Yeah, it is amazing. You look inbred. On the evolution of man, you're about three in, for sure. I hate that this is the second time I've been called an inbred in this room. Holtzman called me that like six months ago when I was sitting right there.

1:29:33Yeah, that's what you look like. That is. I don't pick what I look like. I just got to go with it. You're damn right, buddy. I'm like a Ford Pinto, all right? At some point, you're going to look cool with me around you. I love it.

1:29:43Brian Redban:I love it. I love it.

1:29:50Brian Redban:A real heartfelt moment about his monster head. What's your dick like, Joe? It's like a party-sized NyQuil bottle Okay, party-sized NyQuil bottle Big or small? I can't tell They don't make it, so you have to imagine it It's only a family size There's no party-sized NyQuil That'd be crazy Wow, you are crushing, Joe Filey You're killing it Amazing stuff You already have a big joke book? Wow. If you only had a few more... If you only had... He's leaving tomorrow to fight James Bond or something like that, right? That is true. Has anyone ever told you you look like every version of Jaws? I'll take it.

1:30:42Yeah, I got some pretty fucked up teeth, too. Is that what you're going for? I was about to say, listen, health insurance is not good with Amazon. I'm already fired. Fuck it. Yeah, their health insurance... We're already there.

1:30:55Wait, you can get me a job at the dojo, right? I make a hell of a door guy. Like, I'll headbutt some people. Mike's up there. Go talk to him. The owner of the dojo, just in Jersey. What part of Jersey? It's in Morris Plains, the dojo of comedy. Mike Romanelli's right up there. I'll be living on Staten Island. That's like a ferry ride, a train ride, whatever it is. You're hired, bro.

1:31:12Brian Redban:Fuck yeah, I'll take it. Wow, there you go. Dreams are coming true. There goes Joe Filey, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Bro! Thank you. One more time for Joe Filey, everybody. Hell yeah. We're having a good old time tonight. Bucket pool number nine, everybody. How amazing. We're really flying through it tonight. We're coming around the bend, and we ain't seen the sunshine since. I just want to say, you're crushing tonight, dog. You're so fucking funny, dude. Well, you guys are the best. SamTriplee.com, TimButterly.com. six podcasts between the two of them. Tinfoil Hat, Deep Dish, Dad Meat,

1:32:01Brian Redban:Broken Simulations, Deep Waters. All right. He's also in a group text with Rogan, Alex Jones, and Eddie Bravo. So if you guys would like... How many of you think he should release the group chat? Tripoli, Rogan, Alex Jones, and Eddie Bravo, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Mixed with spirit next bucket pool. It's Jay Maguire, everyone. Jay Maguire.

1:32:32Joe White:All right. Here we go.

1:32:36Joe White:Shut up, cunt. Jesus Christ. This fucking douchebag, he's already gone fucking talking shit. I can't. Sam, we're going to talk Ancient Occult later. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Tony's looking at me. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Shut the fuck up. Here we go. All right. So, uh, Tony, um, you look and sound like if, uh, what is this? I drank way too much tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure. Tony looks and sounds like if Woody Allen fucked Woody Harrelson and shot out Woody from Toy Story. Yeah, I'll take that. Yeah, Sam likes it. There you go. I'm uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah, I'm uncomfortable, too.

1:33:14Joe White:In fact, this cunt's got fucking Seven Thrones and a golden Rolex on, so we'll go for that. Yeah, don't look at me like that. You got a ponytail and a part. We're not doing this right now. All right. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah, yeah. Great. Shouldn't have drank this much. Yeah. Awesome.

1:33:39Brian Redban:All right. I'm going to stop you there. Jay McGuire, my goodness gracious, did you prepare anything for today? I did. I got hammered and got a rib broken yesterday. So yeah, oh my god. Okay. How did you break your rib yesterday?

1:33:53Joe White:Some con fucking punch me That's what happened. Okay, so well exactly what made the cunt punch you? Well, he owed the other con money and he was a smaller con so I stepped in for you know the smaller con Okay, yeah red band smoke a fucking cigarette you need it All right, I love it. You're like a bad roaster Tim Butterly first of all excellent said

1:34:22Joe White:Yeah, yeah. First time in a year and a half. And I'm fucking, for sure. Get the breathalyzer.

1:34:28Tim Butterly:Really quickly, would you mind looking at that brick wall over there? Really quickly. Just take a second. Look at that brick wall over there.

1:34:35Joe White:I'm used to doing that with a blonde-eyed, blue-eyed cunt. Yeah, yeah. Keep going. Turn your head to the right.

1:34:39Tim Butterly:Yeah, yeah. Gotcha. I have a specific question, and this would really help me. Okay. So look. Now, is there, yeah, just look at that wall. And is this mark from a woman using a lit cigarette to defend herself? No. Please look over there because, dude, this is the only thing that might be funny about this.

1:34:56Joe White:Sam, can you get into this because he's bombing at this point as bad as I was.

1:35:00Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Jay, you are the worst. Yeah. How much do you think you drank, Jay?

1:35:08Joe White:I drank way too much, Tony. If I knew Sam was here, we'd be talking about ancient tax and occult shit.

1:35:13Brian Redban:Wow, look at your fan base, Sam. I remember 18 and a half years ago when I started and you took me to La Jolla to open for you. And you were the first guy I ever saw do an hour. I thought to myself, I want to be like him when I grow up. I want to be like Sam Tripoli. And now I'm here to tell you, I am so glad I didn't end up. Okay, here we go. Let's do the breathalyzer, ladies and gentlemen.

1:35:43Joe White:Good enough.

1:35:45Brian Redban:God, this guy looks like a fucking coked up gremlin.

1:35:48Joe White:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:35:49Brian Redban:Look at this piece of shit. What do we got?

1:35:51Joe White:I blew better than her fake tits, so let's keep it moving.

1:35:53Brian Redban:We got nothing there, Heidi. Hold on. Oh!

1:35:58Joe White:What happened? Yeah, yeah.

1:36:00Tim Butterly:Shut up. That can't be right. Okay, well. Or it can be right, and he's not drunk and just sucks.

1:36:10Brian Redban:Keep blowing. We have to teach Heidi how to use this thing before the next episode. What do we got? Okay, well, let's just skip it. Zero, zero, one.

1:36:19Joe White:Mothership should afford a better fucking breathalyzer, right?

1:36:21Brian Redban:Wow, you are the worst of all time.

1:36:25Joe White:You're just horrible.

1:36:27Brian Redban:All right, go ahead. There he goes.

1:36:29Joe White:I love it.

1:36:30Brian Redban:All right, you get nothing. Jay McGuire, there you go. Put the mic in the mic stand.

1:36:34Joe White:Thanks, Sony.

1:36:35Brian Redban:All right, pal.

1:36:35Joe White:I got shit face.

1:36:37Brian Redban:You're okay. All right, thank you, Jay. There you go, buddy. All right, fist bump from Sam. Sam. My people. God. That guy. Man, I just wish I could talk to Sam for a few hours. Bro,

1:36:58Joe White:that guy would kill somebody for me, so I'm fine with that.

1:37:02Brian Redban:That would be the only way he could kill. He's a human. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Ram B, everybody. Let's see what happens with Ram B. Hell yeah. One more time for Ram B, everyone. Thank you, thank you. It's getting a good look at all the people who are going to try to shit on my dreams tonight. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. So I was in a Walgreens recently getting some beer and some cigarettes to kind of fuel me shitting on my dreams. And it said, get vaccinated, get rewarded. I was like, whoa, rewarded? Shit, I got to go check this out. Right? And I said, well, rewarded with what?

1:37:54AIDS? You know what I mean? Like, yeah, let me get two scoops of AIDS. Let's see. Let me get some autism sprinkles on there. Baby girl, what you want? Okay, my daughter, she want two scoops of autism. Throw some measles on there. Yeah, measles syrup. Thank you. Yeah, that'd be great. I was thinking, what if DMX was your AI and couldn't answer your question? They'd be like, dog, that's my man's in them. But I can't answer your question because that would make me a snitch. Thank you. Goddamn. Yo, what's up, Brand B? What up? This is your second time on the show, am I right? Third. Third, okay. I was on the Bags and Boxes one, and then the...

1:38:38Oh, the Bags and Boxes one. And then after that... Hey, so was I. We're reunited. Look at that. One with Shane, yeah. You remember him? Yes, sir. Absolutely. Welcome back. What did we learn about you in your interviews before Rambi? Yeah, I lived in Wisconsin for a long time. I lived in Arizona for a long time. I think I talked about the XC ring thing. You have a fantastic voice. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I sang one time on a here. You did? What'd you say? Yeah, original song. It was on the Bags and Boxes episode right after Bags and Boxes. I was right after Jay Legend and sang that. Yeah, I sucked or Jay sucked?

1:39:17That's cool. You're good. I can't let that audience affect you. Yo, I don't care. But yeah, so that was a fun episode, though. I'll tell you that. That was hilarious to me, at least. Has anything happened since then, since those episodes came out? has Kill Tony changed your life in any way? I've had some cool people come up to me and people congratulated me and stuff. There was a cat. I was walking down the street actually about a week ago and the dude just stopped me. He's like, hey! It's 6th Street, so I'm a little like, hey, motherfucker, you know. Fuck, you know? And he was like, I saw you on Kill Tony, man.

1:39:50Keep it going. I thought you were funny as fuck, you know? So that felt good. That was cool, you know what I'm saying?

1:39:55Brian Redban:Okay, so no, not really anything has affected who it appears, though, other than vagrants yelling at you on the street. Pretty much, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a cool dude, but yeah. Comedy is going good. What do you do for work? Yeah, I actually don't have a job right now, but I was working at a rhymes with rectum. You know what I'm saying? What? Call center. Call center that rhymes with rectum. Rectum? Spectrum. Ah, you said it. Pediatric spectrum. Yeah, I don't want to get sued or nothing. So how long ago did you lose this job? Well, I quit about three weeks ago. What made you quit? They wanted me to sell...

1:40:34This is going to sound crazy, but they wanted me to sell...

1:40:37Tim Butterly:I couldn't show off unless they said Candyman in the mirror three times.

1:40:44You wouldn't do it. You wouldn't do it.

1:40:48Brian Redban:Candyman is what the clerk at 7-Eleven calls Red Band.

1:40:53Tim Butterly:Oh, there he is. The Candyman is back again. Oh, look who's back in the Candyman, Brian Redman.

1:41:00Brian Redban:Oh, with the funny sound effects on Kill Tony and the inappropriate questions to the ladies.

1:41:09Brian Redban:Where's your con now? The Candyman con. Too much. The Candyman con. Yeah. All right. What the fuck were we just talking about? Oh, yeah, the child. I got how I quit. The reason I quit the job was because they wanted me to sell to people who were calling for deceased people. and just the stress of the job. It was something I didn't want to do, and I'm like, yo, I'm not doing that. Look at you, a man of principles. You know what I mean? I'm just being real. So they wanted you to sell. Explain to me, what do you mean by this? Like, okay, so, you know, you're supposed, if somebody calls, you know, you're supposed to, you know, try to retain them as a customer, right?

1:41:43Yeah. And so basically I was like, nah, you know, I'm not, you know, I'm not doing that because they're calling for somebody who's dead. You know, like this isn't even a relative. I felt like now I'm not getting in all that You know I'd be mad as somebody call me like you know my daddy dad or something. I Be pretty pissed if they were like you would still want spectrum. I'll be like hey fuck you buddy You know what I mean? You know what I mean? So they wanted to have deceased people continue to pay for much Wow Democratic voters exactly what I was just gonna say that is incredible I mean I didn't realize I know it's great.

1:42:17I didn't realize you know I didn't realize fucking Nancy Pelosi was running a spectrum That's incredible. Every vote they can get. Actually, sometimes on the phone, man, I actually wanted to be like that. I was at DMX. I actually wanted to get like that on the phone. Like, fuck you. I don't care if you keep spectrum. Because the customers, you know. You know what I mean? It was really that bad to where I wanted to cuss the customers out. You know what I mean? You have that little recording thing on your thing? You can get a moment if I had them say something? You don't have it? Oh, okay. I mean, you could take the audio.

1:42:50What do you want me to say? Just say, sup, bitches. This is Kill Tony. What's up, bitches?

1:42:54Brian Redban:No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want you to try to do anything or anything. I like your style, the exact way that you talk. Just do it normal. Say the exact words again, actually, because I've done voiceovers. I'm trying to make sure. Go, ladies and gentlemen and motherfuckers. This is Kill Tony. Yo, ladies and gentlemen and motherfuckers. This is Kill Tony. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. Your set was terrible, but your voice is so amazing. I'm giving you a big joke book. Ram B, ladies and gentlemen. It's my second one. I appreciate you, bro. You got it. You can sell one when you run out of money next week.

1:43:36Brian Redban:All right. We're going to keep it moving along real quick here. Your next comedian goes by the name of Alex Friedman. Your final bucket pool of the night. One more time. Alex Friedman, everybody. Clap your hands for Alex.

1:43:53Man, I gotta tell you, I've been trying to get myself out more often. And I met a girl who told me, Oh my God, it's so nice to finally meet a sweet Filipino guy. There's only one problem. I ain't Filipino. But I didn't tell her that. I was like, yeah, I love bamboo. Are you kidding me? It's my favorite fruit. And Manny Pacquiao, he's my cousin father. So, I suck at dating. Especially because I have social anxiety. So I go to orgies. Yeah, you know, people often ask me, aren't you afraid of getting drugged? I'm like, what are you kidding me? That's what I'm there for. I'm holding out my cup like I'm asking for loose change.

1:44:28Please. I need to be drugged if I'm going to be here. And if you're trying to fuck me, so do you.

1:44:37Oh, it's true, though. You know, I've been to a lot of orgies in the past. And the weirdest one I've ever been to, the place was empty. Not even Diddy was there. But all the way in the back, there were these two old people just going at it. It was like seeing Betty White getting pile-dragged by Joe Biden. You're welcome for that image, by the way. But then, this other guy, he walks in and he's like, oh, God, why does it smell like broken dreams and disappointment? It basically smells like the Democratic National Convention. And the old guy, he was like...

1:45:10Brian Redban:All right, all right, Alex. That's good enough. Good stuff. How are you, Alex? Hey, I'm good. Is this your first time on the show? This is my first time on the show. You're adorable. Look at you. How old are you? I'm 33. 33? Wow, look at you. What do you do for work, Alex? Well, I'm a software engineer, and I gotta tell you, I've seen some weird shit on people's computers. They got incest, bestiality, open mic schedules. Truly terrifying stuff. Look at you. You're ready for this, Alex. How long have you been doing stand-up? About 10 months. 10 months. Unbelievable. Amazing. Tell us more about you, Alex.

1:45:46Look at your big, goofy eyes.

1:45:49Tim Butterly:Alex looks like if the police hired a sketch artist that used to work for Pixar. You know what? I think it is a compliment.

1:46:00Brian Redban:Tell us about your life, Alex Friedman. All right, okay. All right, here we go. I was adopted from Peru. My mom is from Queens. My dad is from Cuba. And, well, I was raised in New York City. Okay. Yeah. All right. How long have you been here for? I've been in Austin for about less than a day now. I just flew in today.

1:46:25Tim Butterly:Wow. Yeah, from a wedding in Chicago. But I came here. I left early because you guys are my family. Wow. Look at you. Well, we kind of just met. Let's kind of feel this out first. This is incredible. He has the Verizon eyebrows I was talking about earlier. Look at those things. Oh, my goodness. is Alex, what made you start 10 months ago at 33 years old? Well, Mama Coco passed away. Hey, don't you talk shit about Coco. No, but, so, I was working remote as a game developer for, like, the longest time, and you don't get to meet anybody. Speaking of games, you look like Super Mario. It's true. Hey, tell me about it.

1:47:09You know, the worst part is, every time I come, it sounds like... Okay. My God, you have the delivery of someone that's so much funnier than you. You have this crisp, confident delivery. The substance isn't quite there, but your energy is amazing. I love it. Thank you, I appreciate it. Yeah.

1:47:30Brian Redban:Jump for us a couple times. Jump up. Wow, Red Band's comedic timing is incredible. Do the small jump. Jump. Again. you have to wait till he does it you have the benefit of looking at him are you giving me a workout of me go Heidi bring out the turtle I love it switch switch switch switch hands with a microphone Alex what's your love life like you seem like the kind of guy that'll fuck absolutely anything oh man love life i haven't found love yet yeah i've dated around quite a while yeah and uh it it hasn't worked out so i'm taking a break you're a sweet guy have you ever have you ever kissed a girl in austin texas no not yet you want to is there a girl out there that'll give alex friedman a kiss Anybody?

1:48:36Brian Redban:No, there's one. Look at this. Come on up, sweetheart. Look at this. She thought about it and everything. Oh my god. Some hot chicks coming up here tonight. This is incredible. Can we tap out? You're really putting me on the spot here. Why? What's wrong? You're gay? No, absolutely not. What do you mean I'm putting you on this spot? You're not excited right now? No, no, no, no. I've just never done this before. It's really easy.

1:49:06Joe White:You just slow, and then you just shoot your tongue right in.

1:49:10Brian Redban:Real quick, before she gets... Wow. Your fly is at the point. Ladies and gentlemen, how about a hand for this beautiful lady? Two in one night. This is the boy's first Texas kiss. The adorable, big-eyed Alex Friedman. And what's your name, sweetheart? Ty Lynn. What is it? Ty Lynn. Ty Lynn? Ty Lynn. She might have a dick, dude. Just call me Todd.

1:49:39Brian Redban:Wow. Ladies. Nice to meet you. Oh, my God. He is so adorable. It's very nice to meet you, he said. And now, will you give this sweet boy a real kiss? Show him how it's done in Texas.

1:49:55Wow.

1:49:58Brian Redban:Unbelievable. What a fucking... What an evening we've had here tonight. You've got some Bollywood pussy, bro. Yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Look at you. And who knows? Maybe, maybe, maybe. What can I say? Look at that. I mean, how do you feel right now? You know what? I feel good. I feel excited. This is awesome to be around here with all of you people, you beautiful people. This is a beautiful crowd. And we've got some really awesome hosts. Stand up straight. Stand up straight. Stand up straight. You did it all tonight, Alex. Congratulations. Keep going, keep going.

1:50:54Brian Redban:Alex Friedman, ladies and gentlemen. A wild, adorable boy. Alex, here's a big joke book. Oh, Jesus. You didn't catch that, but you probably have HPV now after that kiss. Congratulations. How do you feel, Alex? You good? He's hard, dude. Come on. Oh, yeah. Look at that dick, dude. Wow. Alex, you're one of the first comedians we've ever...

1:51:20Tim Butterly:Alex, have you been jerked off in Austin yet?

1:51:25You know what? You know what? Danny, get back out here. I bet you can't wait to slide down this flagpole. Hey, see me after the show. I got some special gold coins just for you.

1:51:36Brian Redban:Alex, nothing you say makes any sense, but you say it with such conviction. It's incredible. You are amazing, Alex. Thank you. Tell us one more, before I let you go, I just find you to be so compelling. Tell us one more fun fact about your life. Like, do you have any special hobbies or skills or talents or anything like that? Yeah, yeah, I've been playing guitar for the past 20 years. Okay, what else other than playing guitar? All right, aside from playing guitar, I also, like, earned a black belt in Kenpo. You have what? A black belt in Kenpo. I've also been doing... Can you show us, can you put the mic in the mic stand and the joke book in your pocket and the erection away?

1:52:12Brian Redban:And can you show us a little bit? Can you give us a little air karate? Let's do a little fucking nice and easy, Michael. Come on. No, show us your fighting, for real. Put the joke book in your fucking pocket. Jesus Christ. Whoa. Oh, my God. All right. Whoa. You're a black belt? Come on. Seriously. pretend like someone's trying to beat you up in front of you. Show us some fucking moves, dude. Some kata.

1:52:51Jesus Christ. Whoa, okay.

1:52:57Brian Redban:All right, he's really... Whoa, oh, oh my goodness. Wow, turns out I can beat the shit out of a black belt. It's incredible. What an amazing night tonight is. All right, there he goes, Alex Friedman. All right, go. Get out of here, you little cutie pie. You sweet little fucking baked butter bean, you. What a night it's been, ladies and gentlemen, and I got to tell you, there's only one way to end a show like this.

1:53:33Brian Redban:But there's going to have to be two ways to end a show like this, because we got word today that the great William Montgomery is sick, everyone. So the big red machine, the American hero, is nowhere to be found. However, we went to Eastern Europe. And we found an undeniable force that without a doubt is perhaps one of the biggest stars ever in Kill Tony history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty.

1:54:36What's up? So I just found out that tranny is a slur.

1:54:51I didn't know that. I'm just shortening the word. I'm not trying to offend you. I'm trying to save time.

1:55:02Like if there's an active shooter behind you. I'm not going to be like, oh, they, them.

1:55:15No, I'm going to be like, Johnny, get down to the gun. Johnny, gun.

1:55:31And I've been to Thailand. Have you ever been, sir? Man, they're good. They trick you. You can't tell no matter how close you get. I mean, you can tell. but you can tell when it's too late you can tell when you eat their pussy and it tastes like dick

1:56:04but so what shit happened to me so what fuck you they got me they got me it is what it is I'm a straight man I take it on the chin I move on Like if you fuck a tranny and you have to go through an existential fucking crisis, you're gay.

1:56:28If I go to bed with a lady and I wake up, it's a dude, you know what I do? I give you a fist bump and I say, touche. GG. You got me. That's how straight I am. I can fuck a dude and feel nothing, dude. The mind is more powerful than the body. Thank you so much. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God.

1:57:03Brian Redban:What a fucking star. Holy shit, you've done it again. His work ethic, his writing, his execution. This guy works harder than everybody in the city, by the way. I'm out almost every fucking night of the week doing a few spots, and this motherfucker's doing 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. Non-stop new material. Non-stop fucking... I mean, you are just out of this world. I didn't know how far to go with that joke. Like, should I just keep going? Keep going. Just like... No, not now, but I mean... You know it. Not now, but I mean, like... I don't know. Oh yeah, I didn't know what the end of that joke is. I was just feeling it out like there was no end.

1:57:47Brian Redban:The random audience member is correct. You're feeling it in your ass. That's what you're feeling out. There is no end. Unbelievable fucking stuff. Absolutely incredible. The shortening of the word to get to tranny is so funny. It's right there. Immediately when you said that, I'm like, wow. Such a perfect execution of a tranny joke. Amazing. What is your writing process like? What do you do? You sit down and try to think of it? You start with the thing and take it on stage? It is hard. It's not a sit-down art. Because always the stuff that you write down, you think you're like George Carlin, and then you try it on stage, it always bombs.

1:58:30Because you try to be too clever with it. Sometimes you just got to let it go. You just got to riff, dude. Yell tranny, dude. Yeah. Have you been watching any of Tonight's show? Sadly not. What has happened? It's been a lot of crazy shit. Damn, okay, okay. Yeah, there's been a lot. We had an Australian with a bad attitude. I don't like Australians. It's an island that was never supposed to be found. That's true. It was an Atlantis that should have been undiscovered, dude. Horrible people, horrible accent. It's absolutely true. It was supposed to be a prison, you know, Australia. By the British, yeah.

1:59:09Tim Butterly:It's literally easier to understand the Australian guy. I know, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Shut the fuck up. Oh, my God, yeah. Get off your fucking quad bike, you racist piece of shit. Yes. They're always so like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Everything's so fucking cool, dude. Is it?

1:59:32We had a couple of wild characters. It was a lady that had two vaginas inside of her vagina. Yes. Yes. Have you ever heard of something quite this magical before? Two vaginas. Is it like two holes, too? Well, that's what we were wondering. It turns out there's two holes inside of the main hole. Almost like a backpack has... So two dicks go in and one is like, I'll go this way. Next to the cauliflower. Yeah. All right. Like two uteruses, too, that you can get, like, double pregnant. One uterus. One is black, one is white. God damn it. This is one uterus. That's actually a great question. I guess you can only get her pregnant once, but I'm guessing the likelihood of twins perhaps has increased.

2:00:15I'm just kidding. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense.

2:00:18Brian Redban:Maybe one tiny twin, an NBA player, and a midget. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito. Wow, that's a topical reference. Good job, Red Band, referencing the 1989 movie Twins, everyone. Wow. Red Band, you know what? I'm going to book you on the secret show this Thursday. You get to do a spot on the secret show. Amazing. And take this and shove it up your ass. Ari, what else is going on in life before we get you out of here? Oh, yeah, we were delayed. Well, the flight was... You know, everyone knows how I hate Southwest Airlines. It's insane. It's insane what's happening. The flights are canceled all the time.

2:01:05So me and Martin Phillips... Yes.

2:01:06Brian Redban:He was on earlier, by the way, and he was telling us about some major gate changes that you guys went through. Oh, fuck, I should have listened. Like, how did he tell that story? Let's just hear your version, and it's great because it'll bookend the episode. We started with Martin. We're finishing with you. Okay, okay. So, yeah, they changed the... Well, okay, first of all, we get to the main gate. It's one of these, I don't know, Vegas airport, you know? It's like that small center and then these fucking spider islands, you know? So Martin's behind me. He's always behind me. I wait up I wait up but he's behind me there's a train that takes you the different gates right so on the train I see a TSA employee just before the doors close I go to her I go oh we need to go to B 26 or whatever the fuck how far is that and she sees Martin behind me the two of us yeah Martin is you know how much he sweats and he moves he's a fucking machine yeah so he's sweaty as fuck and the lady looks at us both and goes oh you don't need to take the train it's just a 15-minute walk and then the doors close and I look at Martin like fuck yeah so then what we do is you know you know Martin can always at any airport he can just call assistance and then a black guy will help him it's I was a black guy.

2:02:37We have the wheelchair, but no black, right? And the flight, you know, boarding is starting soon. So Martin just looks at the wheelchair. He goes, I'll just hop on the wheelchair. You push me. I'm like, fuck yeah. So we're going through the airport and I've never pushed a wheelchair before. and the way chicks are looking at you when you got a guy in a wheelchair dude we had the wheelchair Martin had the dog triple threat dude

2:03:20Pussy nation Pussy nation

2:03:27Wow Boom we get to the gate And then my favorite part Was when Martin gets to the gate And everyone's you know we have to go past everyone And I'm like get the fuck Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha Martin up and then to see all these other people. I mean, of course, it's Vegas, so there's fucking seven people with wheelchairs. We go past them, dude. They don't need it. And then to see the people's look when just Martin stands up and just goes on the plane. Priceless, dude.

2:04:01Brian Redban:A miracle. I love it. Ari, you are a freak of nature, one of the best in the history of the show.

2:04:12Brian Redban:You can do better than that. That's the Estonian assassin, ladies and gentlemen. You're witnessing a shooting star. What a fucking episode. Sam Tripoli, everybody. The first guy to ever take me out on the road. Tim Butterly, one of the newest residents to Austin, Texas. They are two of the best comedians in the world. Samtripoli.com. Timbutterly.com for tickets. If you ever see them anywhere near you, make sure you see them live. They are unbelievable. Sam Tripoli has a new special. It's Sam Tripoli Comedy on YouTube. He's always dropping specials, always amazing stuff happening, and their podcasts are incredible.

2:04:54Brian Redban:Tinfoil hat, deep waters, fucking broken simulations. And Tim Butterly has dad meat and the Tim Butterly show. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in, and it is absolutely incredible. That is indeed Sam Tripoli and Tim Butterly. Let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew up over there. Oh, it's Elaine, everyone. The legendary Elaine. Look at the shadows. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land.

2:05:27Brian Redban:Here's a few tickets still available for the New Year's Eve festivities. Kill Tony live from the Moody Center, the biggest arena in Austin, Texas. Little, you know, 6, 7, 8 ,000 seat upgrade from the legendary HEB Center. And it's right here downtown. So if you want to plan a hell of a trip, that's the place to be on New Year's Eve, I would say, without a doubt. Did you guys have fun tonight, huh? Red Band? Check out the secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip, ATX.com. Love you. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Good night, everybody.

2:06:51The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Thank you.