#744 - RON WHITE

22:18Brian Redban:go cameron illig ladies and gentlemen thank you boom on to the next one we go cameron could have pulled a glass of water out of the oh my goodness there she is ladies and gentlemen the one and only how about a hand for heidi everybody her new podcast love on the line comes out on tuesdays HeidiRegina.com I think she might be signing some posters after the show in the lobby so you can meet the actual Heidi. Your next comedian is one of my favorite door guys here at the mothership. I'm so happy he got pulled out of the bucket. A very funny man. Makes some fucking noise for the one and only Fuzzy, everybody.

22:59Brian Redban:Here comes Fuzzy.

23:08Yeah, I wasn't supposed to be here, but the last comic said 9-11 three times, so...

23:18I am from Pakistan. It's tough, bro. Middle Eastern men get no pussy. This is true. There was a study done. middle eastern men get the least pussy in america there was a study done a guy followed me around with a clipboard for a few days this kid's got no motion that's why i'm pro arrange marriage that shit works the problem is the game has changed back in the day it was simple all you needed was a goat that seems like a bad deal right who would do that a goat for a beautiful new muslim bride what a bad trait but put yourself in the groom's perspective he's just meeting this woman he's been fucking that goat for years dude

24:16Brian Redban:wow absolutely perfect that's how it's done fuzzy working beats on the room Bing, bang, boom. Left, left, right. Hitting all the punches, unlike Uncle Lazer after a show in Phoenix. Absolutely nailing it. Welcome, Fuzzy. One of my favorite door guys. One of my favorite faces to see. Thank you, Tony. It's good to see you. Me and Fuzzy love each other. We have a hell of a relationship. We really do. We really do. You're my favorite. Well, you're my second favorite Middle Easterner. Is this on Middle Eastern? By technicality. Indian? He's like faking it. Yeah, it's all the same. You guys could both play in a movie about Saddam Hussein or something.

25:02Fuzzy, how's life going? Life's amazing, Tony. I feel great. I feel like a million bucks. Wow. Amazing. You look like 20 bucks. A little 20 never hurt nobody. That's right.

25:18Brian Redban:That's right, Fuzz. So tell us about life. What are you up to? What's your living situation? Tell the people what it's like. You've been in Austin for how long? Almost five years. And you came from? Wisconsin. And here you are. Oh, great. We got some alcoholic retards in here. That's awesome. Yeah. Perfect. Go, Pat Guy! Yeah, some cheese-eating chuds in here. That's what we got. So tell us about your life, Fuzz. Life's amazing. I've got a 330-square-foot studio on the east side, East 5th Street. I'm the king of that little two-block radius right there. I say, everything the light touches, that's Tony.

25:53He's the king. In that little two blocks on East Fifth, you don't want to go there. That's your hood? I'm the fucking king over there. Wow. Look at that. How far east is it? It's far. Is it the Middle East? It's about the Middle East.

26:10It's far. It's over there. Yeah. I love it, Fuzz. Tell us about your neighborhood. What do you love about your neighborhood? Coffee shops. Oh, yeah. Coffee shops. Yes. Whole Foods. Ooh. Target. Let's go. Sexy women. Ooh. Yeah. Hell yeah. Keeps you in check. Absolutely. Having hot girls around. What do you like to do when you see a sexy woman? Amimi alikuli amigatigati. Amimi alikuli amigatigati. Amimi alikuli amigatigati. You are so sexy. You are most beautiful princess.

26:49Is this the same place that you talked about last time you were on the show? You had this whole thing about where you lived and it was really horrible. Oh, no, yeah, thank God. You moved. Yeah, I moved. There was a lot of Mexicans over there. Whoa, whoa. Took care of that, huh? Wow, wow, wow.

27:09Brian Redban:I love racism. Amazing. What is it about the Mexicans that you don't like? I do like Mexicans. I just don't like living around them. You know what? That's fair. I think everyone here could agree with that. Even the Mexicans, I see. Michael agrees completely. He wants to live near the whites. Yeah. I love it. So this new neighborhood, is it a lot of whites, blacks? What are we talking about? It's a lot of whites. Wow. It's a lot of whites. Yeah. Yeah, we love that. Yeah. Whole Foods is just cool. Oh, it's fucking awesome, dude. I go there, I steal food all the time from that hot bar. What type of food do you steal?

27:50Mashed potato. What's your process? So... Teach these people how to steal from Whole Foods. So it's easy, dude. This is all you gotta do. You gotta walk in there. Don't go straight to the hot bar.

28:01Brian Redban:You gotta throw them off your trail a little bit. You gotta throw them off your trail. Yeah. Exactly. You go to the deli. You don't get anything. Fuck that. It's Whole Foods. It's expensive as fuck, you know? So you go to the deli. then you make a few more rounds you go oh i guess i could use some paper towels you get one extra thing you get one extra thing and then you go to the hot bar you load it up and you load it all up onto the right side so here's the box right yeah so there's a box yeah and you put it all on the right side of that fucking thing yeah and then when you go and weigh it you you kind of oh shit Oh, shit.

28:40Oh, my God. Yeah, and you teeter it off to the side. Oh, my goodness. And it's like, so there's no weight on the actual sensor. It comes out to, like,$2 every time. It's like$20 worth of food.

28:52Brian Redban:Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Yeah. So I'm stealing from the hot bar.

29:01Wow. 100 % Pakistani, 50 % Jewish. It's amazing. He's going to Whole Foods and paying half price. This kid is unbelievable. All mashed potatoes. All mashed potatoes. You're on a mashed potato diet right now. Yeah. Was this recommended by a doctor or something? Is he telling you you need more mashed potatoes?

29:23Brian Redban:I just love him, man. You love mashed potatoes. They used to actually, at this old grocery store in my hometown, Wisconsin, they called me the mashed potato man. Wow. Me too.

29:38Wow. Yeah, because I would go and I would go to the hot bar, kind of do the same operation. I've been pulling this trick for years, but it doesn't matter if it's Whole Foods or anywhere, fuck them. And my roommate was the dairy manager at this grocery store. So I would go in there, I'd get hot mashed potatoes every day, but he's always in the back by the milk, you know, like the fucking true white guy. And one day he's out in the front of the store and I'm getting mashed potatoes. and I go, oh, yo, what's up, Zach? And his co-worker goes to him and goes, you know the mashed potato man? Wow. And he goes, I fucking live with him.

30:12That's my roommate. Wow. That is amazing. Now, do you ever do instant mashed potatoes out of the box? Do you ever make your own, or are you just straight up stealing pre-made mashed potatoes? I'm always trying to get the fucking hot food mashed potatoes, if I can, but if I'm real down bad, I'll do instant. I've never made them. I didn't even know you could. Skin on?

30:35Brian Redban:there's a way to do it let's go to our chief instant mashed potato correspondent brian redband here who you can tell why is everything has been surviving off of box mashed potatoes for decades do you like it skin on do you like it chunky what kind of mashed potatoes you're like great question that is a very good question do you mix butter in with your mashed potatoes are you a sour cream and bacon bits guy what are we talking about chives no bacon no bacon whoa whoa whoa Oh, no bacon. Can you guys believe I got this fat without eating bacon? Come on. We're going to check in with our chief bacon correspondent, Brian Redman.

31:09Brian Redban:He's from Cow is a God, right? So you can't eat the bacon? Is that why? I think Brian has it confused. Got it a little confused, and that's okay. Can we get a sonomata? Yeah, let's. He's not our chief global culture correspondent. He's just in charge of bacon and mashed potatoes. Gets a little tricky. but how do you like your perfect mashed potatoes? This is the longest interview about mashed potatoes in the history of the show. It's a record setting. If I'm at a nice place, nice steakhouse, put some fucking skin on that bitch. Whoa. Put some fucking red fucking skin. Can you say that anymore?

31:45Put some Washington football team mashed potatoes on that bitch.

31:50Brian Redban:Yeah, absolutely. Hell yeah. Fuzzy, you're absolutely fucking killing it. I'd love to have you on the secret show. You just got booked on a real show. There's a real joke book. Ron, you got anything? You want to say one thing? Hold on. Can I say one thing? Yeah, Ron White. One of the fun things about working at this club is you get to watch these guys come and mature and grow as comics. And you're doing a fucking great job. And I've got the 7 o 'clock show tomorrow. You want to come do it with me? I'd love to, Ron. Whoa! Opening the fat man of the mothership tomorrow night. You just watched a young man book two spots on a Tuesday and a Thursday from trying to sign up on a Monday here in Austin, Texas.

32:33I love you, Austin!

32:37Brian Redban:There's people saying that if you want to make it, there's idiots in L.A. and New York. Like, yeah, it's just trans jokes in Austin. It's like, that's nine minutes on mashed potatoes right there. These people are so full of shit. A bunch of conspiracy theories about Austin. And we're like, tell us more about mashed potatoes. Anyway. I mean, mashed potatoes kind of are the trans potatoes, if you think about it. Like, they started as one thing and ended up being all mushy. Anyway. Sometimes there's bacon. Sometimes there's sour cream. Okie dokie. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll.

33:18Brian Redban:Looks like it could be a familiar name. Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Jesse Vasquez, everybody. Jesse Vasquez. Jesse. What's going on, Kiltoni? What's going on? All right, I want to say something to bring the crowd together real quick. The stars at night are big and bright. You are Texas. All right, I appreciate it. That was a little weak, but I appreciate it, guys. I feel like if Texas needed an enema, we'd stick it in Houston. All right, what's going on, guys? I'm the guy that says alright, alright, alright a lot I get told I have a crazy face I feel like I get told I look like I want to kill people a lot and I feel like that comes in handy that came in handy when I was in prison because I feel like the last thing you want to look like in prison is approachable

34:10Okay, where are we going to go with this next one? Alright, black people Alright, what do, what is Okay I mean, it's going to get worse. What does a blind person and a black person have in common? They both never seen their father. All right, why wasn't there any black people on Epstein Island? The Carnival Cruise Line didn't stop there.

34:39Did I get the meow?

34:40Brian Redban:Yes. I'm good, Tony. Jesse Vasquez is back. Welcome back, Jesse. How's it going, Jesse? How do you feel like that went? I'm going to say okay, Tony. At 13 seconds, you started material. At 23 seconds, you said, okay, let's go. Good to be here. Something like that. You reset again. Yeah. And then when all else failed at 45 seconds, you just did two quick racist jokes that barely really qualify as jokes. But they were something. How are they going at the open mic? You working out a lot? I'm trying to get better, Tony. Yes, sir. So how often are you performing during the week? I've been trying to get up at least three or four times a week, Tony.

35:27You don't have to say my name for every answer. And you work the door. You're our door guy there, the Dizzy Rooster. Are you working tonight? I just got off work, yes, sir. Okay. All right. And remind me, how long ago were you on the show? Seems recent. Last month, Tony. Okay. Fuck, I did it again. All right. and how has life changed for you since last month, Jesse? Tell us something crazy about your life, Jesse. You're on a live podcast right now. Well, I got recognized a couple of times when I've worked at ACL and that's about it. It was pretty fun. But like mostly it's the nerves are gone, dude.

36:08Brian Redban:You're less nervous now. Oh, yeah. I got booed by all you guys the last time I was up here 10 seconds into my set. so yeah that helped a lot that's it's crazy to think that this set was a massive improvement from whatever happened last time yes sir this is amazing yeah let's check in with the king of texas the great ron white i would recommend that uh if you have 60 seconds that you don't start off with a song uh because it looks like you're trying to kill time when you have no time to kill got it Just come out do the first joke man. Just come out and do it and whether it sucks or not You know at least we don't have to sing that song.

36:50Yes, sir. There's no no audience participation We don't feel like we were part of it. So we but anyway, I just just come out do the jokes. Yes, sir No doubt about it. That's perfect advice. Anybody listening should absolutely take that advice There's only certain kind of people that want to almost settle down the crowd that can say how you doing Austin and people that don't know you. You know, we did that. This show's been going on for about 35 minutes now. So you being like, are you guys ready to party? Like, we've already been doing it. Got it. All right. Last time, I'm guessing, you got a little joke book?

37:25Yes, sir. Well, there you go.

37:27Brian Redban:Go fill it up, Jesse. Go fill it up. We're going to keep it moving along here. Short interview for Jesse. Four-minute long interview for Jesse. Eight minutes on mashed potatoes for Fuzzy. That's how crazy this show is. Anything can happen. If you seem absolutely boring, you're gone. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a golden ticket winner here, ready to make a long-awaited return. Make some noise for a brand-new minute from Colin Sledge, everybody. Make some noise for Colin.

38:03Thank you. So I moved to Austin. I'm a little worried about fitting in.

38:18I went to my first show, and this guy in the green was going on like, you know, when I'm on stage, man, that's the real me. And then he went up and did seven minutes of rape jokes. It was me.

38:36You know, now that I'm an Austin comic, I've been working on my Tony impression. Unbelievable. Incredible. Who's ready for the best fucking blowjob of their lives? Pew. Sorry.

38:58Thank you. No, I owe Tony so much. I owe the show so much. It's just, you know, the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you. Wait. Tony's like a father to me, you know, because just like my dad, he's always calling me a gay retard.

39:18Brian Redban:All right. Colin Sledge. Indeed, a gay retard. Welcome, Colin. Hi, thank you. How are you? How's it going? I'm a little nervous, but I feel okay. I love it. I love it. You dressed up like this for this spot to do that Austin joke. Yeah. You did fake tattoos and everything. Yes. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah, that's why I texted you earlier in the day. I was like, I got to figure out this now because I have to put them on. Yeah. Yeah. Incredible. The work that you put in for this set. Thank you. A phoned in impression of me and fake tattoos. Good. And the chains. What? And the chains. Oh, and the vape pen.

40:07Brian Redban:A shaky vape pen. Oh, he's coughing. Oh, shit. Sorry.

40:15That's my girlfriend's. I didn't know it hit that hard. You're doing a good job. How long have you been with your girlfriend, Colin? It was around the time I first got on the show, so like seven months. Okay. Yeah. What does she do? She runs shows in Houston. And hopefully in Austin soon, we're sort of transitioning. You're trying to get her down here. Did you move down here? Yes, we both moved down here. You both moved down here. So she has to go up to do shows in Houston. Well, yeah, she runs Sunday shows in Houston, so we'll go back on Sundays. You guys go together. Yeah. You make the drive.

40:47Do you stop at Bucky's every time? Sometimes. What do you get from Bucky's, Colin? You drive by, you're able to drive by a Bucky's without just a quick stop or anything? Yeah, I'm not. Are you from Texas? Yeah. Born and raised. and you just take it for granted. Yes, I do.

41:05Brian Redban:See, we can't do that. We literally, if you weren't born and raised here, you literally can't drive by it. No matter what time of the night, no matter what time of the day. You guys just drive by it, huh? We usually don't stop. It's crazy. This lady just married a new man because she was excited about all this talk about Bucky. She just moved seats from one guy to another. She wants to get closer to a man that has the balls to drive by a Bucky's. What do you get when you go to Bucky's? I get the espresso beans, the chocolate-covered espresso beans. Wow, you really are a gay retard, Colin. The chocolate-covered espresso beans.

41:45Brian Redban:My goodness, that's also my nickname for John D's, everybody. Chocolate-covered espresso beans. Chocolate on the outside, chocolate on the inside. If you could describe your love for chocolate covered espresso beans, how would you describe it? Fleeting. Fleeting. Yeah. It's more just to stay awake. It's like one dollar to stay awake. It's good. Wow. Unbelievable. D Madness is literally going to take a nap right now.

42:22Ron White, you are the baron of Bucky's. I popped into a Bucky's on Saturday night coming back from my niece's birthday party. Hell yeah. Let's go.

42:32Brian Redban:What the hell does the king of Ron White get at a Bucky's? The brisket sandwich in Iraq, I got to tell you.

42:43No doubt about it. Was that it? Just a brisket sandwich? The last time I went to Bucky's, I saw, what was that kid's name that was on Kill Tony? Enrique. Bucky's. Oh, yeah. He was at the cash register when I went up there. Hey, what's up, Ron White? Hey, he did. Hey, you got a brisket sandwich, dude? What do you want, a bottle of water or something? Come on, man. I'm a lesbian. I look like everyone thinks I'm a lesbian, dude. Was he sweating? Do you remember? Was he sweating at Bucky's, too? Just coming off of him like a waterfall. Crazy. Just over at the cash register. It is amazing.

43:21Brian Redban:It is amazing. I call them a wet front.

43:27What's your order at Bucky's, Red Band? What do you get excited about? You're more of a sweets guy. No, no, actually, the Philly burrito. Yeah, the Texas cheesesteak burrito. Cheesesteak burrito is my favorite. And also, their beef jerky. I love their beef jerky. Unbelievable beef jerky there. Me, no joke. and I know this is on brand for Tony Hinchcliffe, but I love the hot nuts there at Bucky's.

43:52Brian Redban:It is absolutely incredible. I get a little baguette of every kind. I get a cashews, I get a pecans, the whole fucking thing, and I shove these fucking nuts in my mouth. Oh, God, I love it so much. It brings me so much joy. I'm really not a big nuts guy anywhere else, but Bucky's fucking a warm nuts. Definitely not a beaver nuts guy, huh? The, uh, you talking about the, uh, beaver nuggets? That's your thing, right? I like beaver nuggets. You love beaver nuggets. Red Band eats a lot of sweets at night. He's on blood pressure medication, ladies and gentlemen. It's called blood pressure medication.

44:30Brian Redban:It causes him to have a dry cough. It's one of the side effects. I finally figured out why I got this goddamn dry cough. Turns out someone told me it's a blood pressure medication. These are the talks we have in the green room before the show. A little behind the kill for you. Yikes. You're still here, dude? What the fuck's going on up here? What the fuck are you still doing here, Colin? Let's get him out of here. You should do what you were talking to me earlier about. What? You should do what you were talking to me. Oh, can someone bring me my pants, please? Uh-oh. You have a pants delivery coming here?

45:07Is this a planned thing, Colin? Yeah, there's a letter in my...

45:11Brian Redban:Wow. look at that oh my goodness my dad gave you a letter of thank you note your dad wrote me a thank you note yes okay all right this is great live podcasting i thought he wrote we one for a second i'm like what the dude i don't even know your dad it's a cat stepping on a piano and it It says, dear Tony, thank you so much for the role you played in shaming Colin into getting his own place. Ten years ago, I built a garage guest house in the backyard for guests. Colin moved into it the day it was completed and has been there ever since. Parentheses, ten years! So I intend to have a guest stay there very soon!

46:02Thank you again. R.M. Sledge, parentheses, Colin's dad, parentheses, come to Houston sometime and join me for homemade shrimp crab gumbo. Oh, fuck yeah, that sounds great. That sounds amazing. He's from Louisiana.

46:17Brian Redban:Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, God, that sounds fucking great. I love some Louisiana shrimp crab gumbo. Thank you, R.M. Sledge, for this amazing note, and thank you, Colin. Another new minute. Congratulations. A very experimental minute from Colin Sledge, everybody. That's what the golden ticket winners get to do. They do good enough. They get to sometimes just do localized jokes with fake tattoos. We found them all out of the bucket. Anything can happen. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. They go by the name of Tomek Kolecki, everybody. Tomek Kolecki.

47:01Hi. Hello, Austin, and hello, America. I'm Tomek Kowetski. I'm from Poland. At the beginning, I have to tell you I don't live in America. I'm just a tourist. I arrived to this country one month ago. So sorry for my English. Sometimes you're not going to understand me. Sometimes I can mispronounce something. But you have to remember, I'm very funny in Polish. So please remember this in case of disaster, OK? So a little bit about Poland. If you don't know where Poland is, it's between Germany and Russia. How peaceful right you know imagine that you live in America between Detroit and Detroit you Kind of like this don't laugh.

47:44I don't have time one more job so How can I explain Poland to you guys it's a European shit hole it really is right? If I had to compare imagine that Europe is like America and every country in Europe is like states in America, right? So in this scenario Poland would be Oklahoma which is shithole but at least we are not Louisiana you know thank you very much wow

48:14Brian Redban:will you look at that ladies and gentlemen most likely what I would call the set of the night so far going to Tomek Kolecki it's very Polish I know Polish is a wild language J's and Y's and things mean different thing. I have letters in my last name that not even in your alphabet. So I understand. It's tough. Kowetski. Yeah. All right. So let's talk about it. You're born and raised in Poland? Yeah. And how long have you been in America? One month. One month. Hell yeah. And you have all these localized jokes and references all figured out already. I did my research, yeah. So you must destroy in Poland.

48:58Am I correct? Yeah, I try to. Are you one of the most popular comedians in Poland? I wouldn't say I'm in the top 10, but in the top 20. Okay, that's a good place to be, between 10 and 20 in Poland.

49:09Brian Redban:That's very good and very honest answer. I like that. You're not like Ari Matty going, yes, I'm number one in Estonia. I'm number one. Number two is forever away. You're very honest. How many comedians? In this metaphor, Estonia is Delaware, you know. Poland is.

49:30Brian Redban:Estonia is very small. Yeah. And Ari really is the number one. How many comedians are in Poland, though? Is there a lot of big comedy community there? Yeah, there is. Like, obviously not as big as in America, but I guess, like, I don't know, a couple hundreds. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So tell us more. What surprised you about America when you got here a month ago? Oh, yeah. Like, crazy thing happened to me last week. I went first time in America. I went shooting, right? Yeah. But I was a little bit disappointed because they took me to shooting range, not to school. Whoa. You son of a... I was hoping for the full American experience, you know?

50:12And we shoot guns safely, un-American, you know? Amazing. Un-American, to shoot guns safely, can you imagine? They shoot guns in Poland? You got guns in Poland or is that... Not so much, no. They got rid of them?

50:26Brian Redban:Never existed. They never existed. Wow, no wonder Germany just treated you like a fucking retarded nephew, huh? Yeah. We're taking over. You're done. Standing with the knives. Yeah, that doesn't work against tanks. Yeah, very hard. Germany. Pretty fucked. Germany just took you over like you're fucking Colin Sledge's dad's guest house. Yeah, and then Russia from another side, you know, it's pure bukkake. Yeah. Yeah, you guys are getting shot every direction. Very tough history. Absolutely amazing. Now, how long ago did you start stand-up comedy in Poland? 12 years ago. Perfect, amazing. Yeah, I was 16 at the time.

51:08What made you want to start stand-up? Did you see something as a kid? What was it? Yeah, when I started... Robin Williams. I love her a Chris Rock. To be honest, first special I ever saw was Eddie Murphy Delirious. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that'll do it. Hell yeah. Yeah. It was first found on Polish YouTube with Polish subtitles. So this is the reason. I was 13 at the time and I started doing open mics when I was 16. Wow, that's amazing. Now, you saw Eddie Murphy. Do they have black guys in Poland? Not so much, but I have explanation. Can you book me a flight to Poland real quick? Okay, what's the explanation to why there's no blacks?

51:52We love black people. We just don't have a lot of black people. Why? Because we never had slavery. So we never forced anybody to come. You think that's all they do? You think that's all they're... You think that's all they're... Like, nobody can... Like, we invite you, but nobody... Why the fuck you want to come to European Oklahoma, you know?

52:10Brian Redban:That's true. For what? What are you going to achieve there, you know? But feel welcome to come. Feel welcome. We have three black persons right now. Yeah. What are their names? Yeah. The thing is, like, if you are too weak to play for America basketball team, then you go to Poland and play for Poland basketball team. So we have black guys on our team that cannot even speak Polish, but we love them. Three after three, you know. Heroes. Heroes. And the main guy, you're not going to like it maybe, but I'm going to try it. Like, the main guy, he has the most blackest name you can think of. Oh, let's hear it.

52:50Lufthansa.

52:54his name is it's real thing i didn't make it up his name jordan floyd jordan floyd

53:00Brian Redban:oh my goodness what's his cardio like jordan or is he more floyd he's more jordan for sure he can breathe and stuff like very good yes there you go hero national hero there you go took the ball and ran with it there very good i like your style I didn't make it up. It's a real thing, actually. If I would make it up, it would be racist, but it's a true thing. Yeah, and those black basketball players have bigger poles than the poles do. Yeah. See what I did there? That's a giant penis joke, Tomek. I cannot do metrical system in America, so I don't know how long my penis is. Perfect. Perfect. I would say a foot of a midget.

53:46A foot of a midget. A foot of a meegit. Foot of a meegit. Double E-M-E-E-G-I-T. Meegit. I love it. So, Tomek, have you ever had, like, a real job? What do you do when you're working in Poland? How do you make money? You just do comedy? I'm a pro comedian since I was 19. So, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Like, in Poland, every comedian needs to work like Louis C.K. Every special New Year, because after one year, everybody saw your stuff, right? Right. So, I'm 28. I already have seven specials because of this, you know. So we work really hard there. You guys do have a great work ethic. I am friends with literally UFC Hall of Famer multiple time.

54:29I mean, literally one of the, I would say, the greatest female fighter of all time, Joanna Janjacek. Very good translation, yeah. Joanna Janjacek, yeah. Yes. She did a comedy with us. Yes, she tried it out. How was that? At the beginning tough because we do like a stadium tours, right? So imagine you never do comedy and then you go 10 ,000 people stadium to do comedy, right? Yeah. So this was her beginning of comedy. But after a couple of shows, she made it. Yeah, after a couple of shows. First shows, a little bit tough. But after a couple of shows, she fucking made it. Yeah. Yeah. And you're friends with Joanna.

55:05Yeah, yeah. I know her. We do a comedy tour in Poland when we invite celebrities to do comedy with us. but they have to go on stadiums without knowing how to do it, you know? So it's a really fun experience for them and for us as well because, yeah, we better.

55:21Brian Redban:She's the best. One of the sweetest ladies on planet Earth. Ronda Rousey got a lot of hype. She's like, you know, American famous, but anybody that knows fighting knows Ioana is actually the... She is national treasure as well. Yeah, no doubt. Most punches ever thrown in a fight is her against Zelie Wang, right? Yeah, Chinese girl. Yes, Chinese girl. And it's the craziest, craziest fight of all time. Fucking Chinese girl. They are nothing but trouble. Tomek, anything else crazy we should know about you? I find you so interesting. You are truly, and it goes to show, you know, Eddie Murphy, who you first saw, I believe he started at either 14 or 15.

56:04You starting at 16, it just, it shows. You are such a natural comedian. Yeah, like for a long period of time, I had the nickname of youngest Polish comedian, you know, because I was just a teenager doing set up comedy. When I have my first ever TV set in Poland, I had to get agreement from my parents to do this because I was underage. Do you remember, can you translate? Does it work in English? Do you remember one of your first jokes in Poland and on Polish television? Does it work in America at all? 12 years ago something about my teacher in school was idiot and then they hit on TV and I had to go to school after it.

56:43Wow, what did the teacher say to you? I don't remember at this point but it was something about making him a pedophile.

56:49Brian Redban:Oh yeah, perfect. Tough day at school on Monday, I would say that. Well Tomek, I mean you're amazing. How long are you in town for? I stay till the beginning of December, but I'm planning to be back here in February for another three months. Beginning of December, in the middle of February. Did you grow up with Polish jokes, Tony? Oh, yeah. Like, why do Polish girls don't use vibrators because it chips their teeth and shit like that? Right, yeah. Are you aware that Polish people are considered stupid? I know, but it's like, this is a common opinion that Polish people are stupid. This is not true.

57:28we just can't speak good English, so we sound dumb, you know? Like, in Polish language, I can be intelligent guy. Here, I'm Borat. You know, like... I know. I know.

57:44Brian Redban:Yeah. I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Boom. And here's a big joke from my friend. Congratulations. You did it perfectly. Tomek Kowetski, ladies and gentlemen, with his big global Kill Tony debut. And on to the next one we go. Great job, Tomek. We'll see you later. Okay, sure. There you go. Cold, clammy hand. Cold, Polish hand. Ha, ha, ha. All right. Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted minute. His name is Jose Ayala, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. It's Jose Ayala, Jose.

58:54jerked off by a chick who had hot cheeto fingers you know yeah can you believe it that bitch flavor blasted my dick you know no but i got her back i did i ate her pussy out with frank's red hot you know you can literally put that on anything you know and it was great too because you know it makes everything taste like buffalo wings so it went great with the fucking blue cheese she already had, you know?

59:24Yeah, I should call her, you know? Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, here's another... Oh, what do you call it when you make a paralyzed girl squirt? Uh, vegetable soup. All right. My name's Jose. I think it's been wonderful.

59:40Brian Redban:Vegetable soup? Yeah. Okay. Just checking. All right. Didn't know if you said stew or... I can work either way. Yeah, it works either way. Absolutely. Jose Ayala, you've been on this show before? Yeah, once. How long ago was that bar? It was like a month ago, actually. Oh, wow. Okay. And how's life going for you, Jose? What did we find out about you in that first interview that I found interesting? I'm Mexican? Well, we knew that. I work at a bar. That's what we found out. And yeah, that was it. Okay, wow. Well, this was a great interview, Jose. Is there anything else interesting about your life that we might find intriguing?

1:00:22I don't like big crowds. That's the only thing. Oh, you're in the right industry. Perfect. Amazing. Yeah, they freak me out. Like this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So how are you planning on getting over that? What's your big plan, Jose? Because the industry that you're in, if it goes good, which luckily I don't think you have to worry about that for a while, But if it goes good, you're gonna be in front of giant crowds. Uh, I'm gonna start doing orgies, so yeah. Okay. Yeah, just die right into it, you know? Alright. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy, Jose? I like to play video games.

1:01:04I skateboard. I do recreational drugs. Just go out with friends, party. What kind of recreational drugs do you do, Jose? Let's talk about it. Okay. I smoke a lot of weed. Yeah, what other than that? Let's talk about that. Oh, fuck. All right. Sorry, Mom. Your upper lip is sweating between your nose and your upper lip. Sorry, I got hot nuts. My bad. No, I did acid the other day, so that was pretty cool, you know? Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. Okay, what happened when you did acid? Okay, so I got lost completely. I ended up blacking out and then waking up at a bus stop. And I didn't know how I got there.

1:01:54and when I woke up, my underwear was completely gone. Where did it go?

1:02:05I think I probably shit my pants. Okay, no, I didn't. I didn't probably. I shit my pants. And I, because I was in and out of a blackout and I remember being behind a bush, wiping my ass with them and then just throwing them on the floor. Jesus. I'm not going to put them in my pocket. Oh, yeah, I'm sucking hadles for a show right now. Wow, you shit your pants. I'm going to check in with my chief acid correspondent. The great Ron White is here, ladies and gentlemen. So was it fun? Oh, no, it was great. I had a great euphoric experience. I really thought about my life. I cried a little bit. I'm not going to lie.

1:02:50and uh it was it was really it was really life-changing you know except for the what was your life like before that

1:03:03you know i gotta i gotta tell you dude you know you you came out you i think you did a pretty good job you haven't been doing stand-up long right four years four years oh

1:03:19I got nothing I got nothing I got nothing Fun fact I've only done acid maybe three or four times and all three or four of those times I'm just going to say it was because of the great Ron White

1:03:33Brian Redban:he knows how to bring a party to the next level in the green room here and they call it micro dosing but I've never micro dosed it turns out anything in my fucking life. It turns out if I do any amount of anything, it's a full dose. Yeah, turns out we don't have scales up there. Yeah. Yeah, and I can tell you, I just start hearing the lights. I can hear LED lights. I can hear and feel everything and anything around me. I'm in a total matrix when I do it, and I stay awake until about 8 a.m. the next day. I don't know why. From what I understand, I guess that's a part of it, but I don't get tired.

1:04:10You're micro-tosing liquid acid?

1:04:12Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah, I know. Turns out I'm hanging out with fucking fear and loathing over here. Ron White is like the actual dude, by the way. If you're wondering what he's like offstage, he's like a cool Texas version of the Big Lebowski. Thank you.

1:04:34Thank you. Yeah, but you did the answer that I gave you, And did you shit your pants? No. I didn't shit my pants. No, no.

1:04:43Brian Redban:200 hits. I've never shit my pants on acid. We think you would have shit your pants anyway that day, Jose. Yeah, no. I was also blackout drunk as well. Oh, okay. Yeah, I liked to party. And that's what you want to do when you're on acid is just get blackout. Yeah, no, I didn't plan it. Some guy just, oh, fuck. Some guy just gave it to me and I was like, all right, fuck it. We're going to do this. Might as well, you know, dance with the devil, you know? All right. Dance with the devil and shit your pants. Hell yeah. Huh. Do you shit your pants? No. Never? No, not really. Really? Not really. Oh, we're getting warmer, folks.

1:05:22Brian Redban:No, not really. All right, I have. When I was... Right now. It's in your pants right now, isn't it? No. Okay. We're good. Jose, here's a little joke book. Fun times, my friend. Oh. Ooh. Wow. There he goes. Jose Ayala dropping the little joke book. That's what people are going to remember from this. One more time from Jose, ladies and gentlemen. All right. I'll tell you. We've met some interesting people. Tough to follow that Polish dude, right? It is tough to follow the Polish dude. Great. We're about to... All right, let's get one more bucket pull up here before I pull the trigger on this nuclear warhead that I have waiting in the back.

1:06:05Brian Redban:This looks like a new name. So I'm excited about new names. So we've had two bucket pools that were both on in the last month, which is rough because they don't have anything new to talk about in the interview portion of the show. The bucket has a mind of its own. This is the show. This is what happens. Anything going to fucking happen. So we're going to meet a new one right now. I'm sure this is a new name. Make some noise for Carter Fancutch. Carter Fancutch. Here's Carter, everybody. Carter Fancutch. Nice of you guys to clap, cheer and stuff whenever I came out. Last time I saw my mom, she didn't do any of that.

1:06:40She just said, shave that shit off your face. Said, you look like my son and somebody I could never trust around my son, you know? But I need this mustache. Without it, I look exactly like Caitlin Clark.

1:06:55She's a talented shooter. I just say shoot when I come, you know? What are you going to do? My love life's tough. It's like, my love life's like Redbox, you know? It used to be a thing. It used to be a lot of fun in a Walgreens parking lot, you know? Not a lot of returns. There were always scratches on the back. It's tough, you know? But I supplement it, you know? I supplement my sex life a little bit with porn when I can, but Texas makes that very difficult. There's not exactly porn down here, so you got to get creative, you know? I found something pretty interesting. saying it was David Blaine's sex tape.

1:07:34That's good shit. That's good shit. He's having sex with a girl and she's like, oh, David, don't come in me. I'm not on the pill. And he's like, check your pocket.

1:07:48All right. Carter Fan Cutch. Am I saying that right? Fan Cutch? Fan Cook. Fan Cook. Okay, I could see how that would be. Welcome, Carter. This is your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Awesome. How long have you been on stand-up? About eight years. Eight years. Wow. Where at? Springfield, Missouri. Moved down here a year ago. Nice. How do you like Austin compared to Springfield, Missouri? It's a bigger town. A lot more opportunity. I like it. Okay. What's a crazy thing that's happened for you in Austin, Texas so far? A lot of opportunity, a lot of fun to be had. You had a wild night or anything yet?

1:08:24Yeah, had some crazy nights. I saw a homeless person shitting on the street yesterday. I'm I'm pretty sure he was just on stage. Was it at a bus stop perhaps? Took a shit up here too. Yeah. I love it. What ethnicity are you? You really do have a look to. German. I'm a German man. The last name Fancook means pancake in German. Wow. Look at that. How do you think you ended up with the last name Pancake? I have to assume we fucked up a loaf of bread somewhere back in the gin pool. know i love it what do your parents do what are they up to they together no no long long gone on the marriage there my mom a radio dosimetrist uh treats cancer okay and then my dad was like a pharmaceutical salesperson then got popped smoking weed and they i guess she can't do that as a as a pharmaceutical salesperson so he bought a airbnb or a bed and breakfast rather and like ran that for a while.

1:09:25Now he works at a dock. A dock? Yeah, he owns a dock. Okay. Fills gas, wears jean shorts. He lives the fucking life. Yeah, that sounds like a dream. It really does. Red Band is excited about it, right? You like it. This is good. Yeah. Okay. You said your love life is like a red box. How's it been going? What exactly is going on? Why do you think you're having trouble? It's it's actually going okay i'm married now oh wow i've remedied this solution i found a a box that i can just go back to over and over again wow look at that um but yeah no it's good we both travel for work and stuff so it is there's some dry spells but yeah what does she do where does she travel for work she actually she's all over the place she's a like a wastewater uh field service technician so she's like anywhere there's shit she'll go she's actually going to india for thanksgiving she'll be there oh my god really yeah she's going to help the wastewater in india believe it or not it's it's not good there so oh my god that sounds like uh quite the mission yeah yeah and she's gonna fail but you know that you gotta But treating wastewater in India is like fucking melting the snow in Antarctica.

1:10:50This is, this sounds like mission impossible. Is she excited about this to spend Thanksgiving in India? She was like, she was, are you going to miss me? Like, should I just stay here for Thanksgiving? I was like, no, it's like once in a lifetime opportunity. But we went and got, we went to the travel center and got her shots and everything today. And she's fucking scared now. Like, don't eat any of the food. you have to crack open every you know drink that you're gonna drink has to be factory sealed like they really put the fear of god in her there's like japanese encephalitis running rampant it's a scary place unbelievable wow ron white what do you think about this young buck mr pancake i think that uh most of the things you do in uh india will give you the shits yeah right so she could be at home there you think she might not ever come back yeah she may have too much work she may leave me for a poo i don't know but so do you do uh comedy clubs on the road is that what you do you travel and do clubs i i actually am in wastewater also so i travel for work mostly for that's how we met but uh oh that's boring i but how do you do it dude you make everybody sound more interesting than they are.

1:12:05It's fucking incredible.

1:12:06Brian Redban:It's not easy. After a show like this, I sleep for 48 hours straight. But see, both of you are in wastewater? Yeah. So you're literally, it's a shitty relationship. Your house must stink, dude. Like, how much do you spend on Glade a month? Opposite, dude. We're pros. We know exactly. I've learned to wipe sitting down recently. Like, where are we? Wow, Red Band still hasn't learned how to do that. That's incredible. Yeah, because that's inferior. All right. Okay. How did you wipe before? Great question. How did you wipe before? I would get up, you know, I'd take a look, and then I'd be like, yeah, that's going to be some work, and then I'd get in there.

1:12:53I would stand up. I would stand up. I don't know whose fault that is. I don't know if that's my dad or my mom. It's a German thing. Exactly how do you do it now? Tell us, explain to us how you do it sitting down. I just, like, lean. I typically left. I'm right-handed, so I'll lean left, and I'll get... You lean left. I lean left, and that's two actions, so that creates a space for the arm to go in, and it spreads your cheeks, so... Wow. Doesn't it seem, like, not as good? Like, you're not getting in there? No, Brian, it's better. My asshole's cleaner, and I smell less like poop all the time, so...

1:13:30You should stop by my place. I've got a rotating stream of water that shoots up my ass. It is nice. Is that just on your jet, or you have that in your house also? No, I got it everywhere, man, everywhere I go. One day I'll afford a fountain for my ass. You'd be quite surprised. If you go on Amazon, you'd be shocked at how amazing a bidet... 40 bucks. It'll change your life. Use the promo code KILTONY. and uh i'll price him out and i'll get i'll get a wet ass all right uh carter congratulations um um here is a uh i can't even remember how did you do caitlin clark was okay red box got all right okay here's a uh here's a big joke book there you go carter old carter pancake carter fan cook

1:14:24Brian Redban:So ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special moment, which I like because the last few comedians, other than the Polish guy, it's been kind of low. The levels of sets tonight I would consider low. But right now, you're about to meet the newest regular on Kill Tony. This is an absolutely incredible moment because it's his first time being brought up as a regular. He was made a regular last week out of nowhere. I had never met him before. And since, I've come to learn that he is absolutely, totally deserving and ready for this mission. A 12-year veteran of comedy, the Dark Storm of Atlanta. Welcome to the stage.

1:15:07Brian Redban:Make some fucking noise for Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Here we go.

1:15:15Brian Redban:What's up? What you know about accidentally drinking three gallons of gasoline because you was trying to siphon it from a truck, and you accidentally swallowed three liters of it at nine years old, and then you got to go to your dad, and you got to say, Hey, Dad, my tum-tum hurt. And then your dad going to say, Boy, you smell unleaded. So then I got to go to the... Look at me. I got to... So then you go to the hospital, and you get your stomach pumped, right? you get your stomach pumped, but then the doctors don't give me back the gasoline. What the fuck is up with that? We need to pay doctors less money.

1:15:53I got kicked out the hibachi restaurant yesterday. And if we be honest, all hibachi just means is Japanese food live. Right? That's all it means. It's like, you can get the album at home, but see them live, it's amazing. They'll flip a strip in your mouth. But they got an anti-being-high policy because they had an all-you-can-eat, so I ate an edible because I was going to see all that I could eat. And they tricked me. What they did was, it was really entrapment. They dropped off the chopsticks before they dropped off the food, and a nigga just saw Drumline the night before, so I'm doing my paradiddles on the soy sauce.

1:16:34Didn't these niggas have the nerve to put on Phil Collins in the air tonight? They're running on Phil Collins in the air tonight.

1:16:45That's not how you deal with those situations. I work at bars. What I do is, like, say crazy, like, say if y 'all two dudes start to get in the fight, I'll just spray y 'all with some silly string. Let y 'all know this is not a serious time. This is supposed to be y 'all friends. And if y 'all get mad and try to fight me, I'll just pepper spray you in the eyes. Or as I call it, serious string.

1:17:14I'm done.

1:17:16Brian Redban:Yes. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Let's fucking go. Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome, Dedrick. Here we are. Your first time cashing in on regular ship. Your second time ever on the show. A 12-year veteran. He signed up 39 times for the show and finally got pulled last week. Meanwhile, you have fucking these guys, two fucking buffoons shitting their pants that got pulled in the last month, each of them. Sweet fucking killer Dedrick up here, filled with material and funny stuff. I love the fact that you made that guy in the front look at you while you were doing the thing. Yeah. Oh, it was amazing.

1:18:01Yeah. I'm going to be somebody. Look at me. Yeah. Dedrick, I love it. Tell us how life's going for you. Tell us something we don't know about you. Welcome, welcome. Man, first I had to call my mama, and then I had to explain what Kill Tony was, because she old and black, like you don't know no better. So then I was like, it's like the Apollo. And she said, okay, cool, where that's at? And I said, in Austin, where I've been living. I've been signing up. And then she said, okay, whose club is it? Then I had to tell her it was Joe Rogan Club. And then she couldn't remember who Joe Rogan was, so I said the nigga from Fear Factor.

1:18:38Yep. And then she said, oh, good, baby. You're doing good, baby. Are you going to make some money?

1:18:55Brian Redban:He is that guy. On top of many other things, he is that guy from Fear Factor. Yeah, he's... I love it. How does she feel about you being out here in Texas? She hated it at first because she told me, because when we was growing up, my dad was like, the black dots on the map mean that's where other black people live. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

1:19:26Take as much time as y 'all need.

1:19:32And so I asked my dad, I was like, what do you do in between the black dots? And he said, drive faster. Pee in Gatorade bottles. You don't stop. Oh, my God. She just found out about Austin. It's 12 black people here now. That's amazing. Your parents still together? No, my dad passed away in 2016. Oh, shit. Sorry to hear that. How'd he die? I always ask everybody. He had kidney failure, and then they kill you with the treatment of having kidney failure. He had diabetes first? Yeah. Yeah, that's a thing. Don't make a joke about this. No, I won't.

1:20:13Brian Redban:I won't. I will not make fun of diabetes that you're having. 17 more episodes. You can make fun of my dad. Okay, I'll wait. I'm writing that down. 17 episodes, and then I'll bring this up from now. 18 more and then roast my dad to shred. I will. I will. Was he cremated? No, we had some money. Oh, okay. We had some money. That wasn't important. Well, people donated money. I was working at a... I was a GM at a car wash, and then I was making them a bunch of money. Jim Dudley helped pay for my dad's funeral, and then I appreciate that. Shout out Jim Dudley over there. Hell yeah. In Georgia somewhere.

1:20:51What was it like being the GM of a car wash? I fucking loved it, and because I knew I had power. You know what I'm saying? I'm power hungry. so like when when customers will come in i only could like you could either get extracurricular or i'm gonna be like that's not my job i can't do that and i love telling somebody something's not my job that's my favorite thing in the world you ever just be like no i don't do you you you people do stuff like that you you know what i'm talking about tony you got money you got money too right ron white i do

1:21:28I do Hey but you know what I just wanted to say this I watched your set last week From the balcony up there Because Tony said this kid is really good And I just laughed my face off And then you're going to be in my show tomorrow night Yes sir

1:21:47Full 15 minutes I'm looking forward to having you on board I'm having you around the club Thank you so much Y 'all make some noise for Ron White and give an opportunity to see that. Things are moving very fast for Dedrick. So he was made a regular last week, and then Tuesday we're all in the green room on a normal thing. Me, Ron, Rogan, DeRosa, and whoever else. Shane, a bunch of people. And Bert, it's a normal, just a normal Tuesday. You never know who's going to be on one of these crazy Rogan shows. Normal Tuesday at work. And I was telling the green room, like, oh, we got a new regular. That only happens once every year or two.

1:22:31And the kid's a freak. And Rogan says, invite him to do the show tomorrow, and I'll have him on my show. So you came on the Wednesday. That's how fast. So Monday, you get pulled for the first time. Wednesday, you're opening for Joe Rogan. And the balcony filled up with fucking the guys. Everyone's like, let's see if you know this regular this new guy for the first time because they always know if I say I found somebody that they're probably going to know them and forever. And holy shit. I mean, it was incredible. He has a fucking I mean, I don't want to give anything away and I'm not going to.

1:23:06But he started a bit about Oreo cookies that I thought was going to be a quick, amazing joke. And I see the first minute and I'm like, oh, this is going to fucking destroy on Kill Tony. And then it's two minutes, three minutes, four minutes, five, six, seven, eight, nine about Oreos.

1:23:23Brian Redban:He's got a nine minute long Oreo bit. And we're dying. I'm wiping tears. We're wiping tears out of our eyes. And there's nothing quite like it. You know, it probably sounds corny. But like when someone like you comes around, it reminds us all what the fuck we got in this for. And it's incredibly fucking inspiring. And I'm so excited to have you on board. It gives me something to look forward to every week. And so welcome to the family, Dedrick. And we'll do it again next week. I love you! Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, it has begun. I can't wait for you guys to see what Dedrick has up his sleeve.

1:24:07Brian Redban:It is powerful. One more time for Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. This is where we found him. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Trip Callahan, everybody. Trip Callahan is next.

1:24:23Oh, my God, guys. So one thing about me, I think it's very important to be able to change your mind. And no one's better at that than Obama. Yeah, because when Obama took office, he was against gay marriage. And by the time he left, he was drone striking straight weddings. That's pretty good progress. and I love the gays, but the other day someone told me that gays aren't groomers, and I was like, what? Like, my thing is if gays aren't groomers, then explain how I got sucked off at a petco.

1:25:03I do got a new favorite gay. His name's Jeffrey Dahmer. Because I finally watched that Netflix show about him, and I remember when it came out, a bunch of my friends were talking about what was funny when the police were interviewing Dahmer's dad and telling him everything because the thing he was most pissed about was that Dahmer was gay. And I was just thinking, if I was that police officer, I would have tried to cheer him up a little, you know? I'd have been, like, sure he was gay, but he also murdered 25 gay dudes, right? So, yeah, so despite his gayness, he's much more homophobic than you, you know?

1:25:37Like, you're talking about how they're going to hell. He's fucking sending them there, so.

1:25:43Brian Redban:All right, Trip Callahan with an extremely gay set. Yes. Welcome, Trip. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, I was on like a couple months ago. Okay, welcome back, Trip. Welcome back. How's your life changed since the last time you were on this show? Oh, bro, I can't even go out in public. Wow. No, dude, nothing's changed, bro. Nothing's changed. Yeah. Okay, was it a good set or was it like that? Yeah, better than this one, dude. Okay. But, yeah. Remind us, Tripp. You seem like a very happy guy. Of course. What did we find out about you last time you were on this show? Oh, bro. I work at HEB.

1:26:21Oh, shit. Serial killer friend. What's your serial killer friend? What do you mean? Oh, well, he was, like, just, like, he's, like, turned gay and then started killing gay guys. Is this everything in your life and all that you talk about? It's all gay, bro. Gay and serial killers? Yes, bro. Okay, bro. What else about you, Tripp?

1:26:40Brian Redban:Tell us something we didn't find out last time you were on this show I got, like, crippled for, like, four years from college football Ooh, tell us more Well, I got rolled up on, dude I messed up my ankle And then, uh, the dog I broke my leg and I fucked up all my cartilage and ligaments in my ankle And then the doctors kept fucking up I had to have, like, two surgeries But we're better now, dude We made it You know what's amazing? is it sounds like you've got something to say. Yeah. Right? Yeah. You're really good at it. I mean, you hold the mic in the right spot. You understand every fucking word you say.

1:27:18Thank you. And it's almost like you have a plan. Right? But you're missing content. Oh. That's all you're missing. Just a little bit of content, man. I got you. Yeah, but most amateur comics don't do as good a job with a microphone as you do, and I understood every fucking word you said. Well, thank you. So that's a big, that's something. Hell yeah. It is true. Your delivery mechanism is impeccable. It's like ordering from Uber Eats like a Euro stand at 4 a.m. or something. Like the delivery is there, but it's not good. You know, when it comes, it's just a little bit off. You're like, well, this was the only place that was open, but at least it's here.

1:28:06And then you deeply regret it the next day. That's what you're like. Okay. Okay. Tripp, tell us something amazing about your life that has nothing to do with gay or serial killers. Oh, man. You got nothing. You stumped him. Yeah, you really did, bro. Uh-huh. Dude, amazing about my life? Anything at all. Just anything, Tripp. Dude, I can walk again? No. I work at a job. You can? Dude, I work at a... Yeah, I can walk, dude. We already talked about H-E-B last time, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you really walk?

1:28:42Brian Redban:Yes. All right, do it. There's a little joke book. Tripp Callahan, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. Stumped him with the anything except for gay or serial killer talk. We got a whole bucket. Oh, my goodness gracious. Wow. Look at that. It's a shame she doesn't want to fucking kill a gay tonight. I don't know. Nothing's making any sense right now. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Henry J., everybody. Henry J.

1:29:18Brian Redban:One more time for Henry J., everyone.

1:29:24I can tell my phone was made in China because the default skin color on my emojis is yellow.

1:29:36If Johnny Depp has a one-night stand and then the next morning gets an Amber Alert on his phone, does he panic and check his bed for any surprises? I think he does. Is the utensil of choice for non-binary people a spork? I think they eat exclusively with that when they eat brunch. Let's see. If a plane makes a successful water landing, do the black passengers panic harder after the landing?

1:30:20If a guy goes on a date, on a Tinder date, with a girl that ends up not being a girl, did he get catfished or swordfished? Thank you.

1:30:34Brian Redban:All right, Henry J. Without a doubt, his first time on this show. Ron White. Those were riddles.

1:30:46you should do jokes because you have a you know you got a good face for stand-up comedy you you you look like you but yeah but those are just those riddles that's what those are those are just yeah it's true you're more of a riddler than a joker uh do all of your does every bit of your material end in a question mark? I just thought it was a unique style, you know, where the question and the setup and the punchline all built into one question. Yeah, how many of those do you have? How long have you been doing stand-up? About two years. Two years. All of it in Austin? In Utah. Utah. Salt Lake City?

1:31:27Mm-hmm. Okay. Yes, sir. And that's your style? Is it exclusively just questions? Do you have any other material? I have a lot of other stuff. Can you do one joke that isn't a question? I'm sure. Ladies and gentlemen, doing a joke that isn't a question. Henry J., everybody.

1:31:47I was studying abroad, and she got creeped out and just... Okay. That joke slaps, you know?

1:31:59Brian Redban:Yeah. Okay. That is not a question.

1:32:07Brian Redban:still a little ridley slightly ridley there's still some thinking you have to do and then you go ha ha ha i bet you get a lot of those in the uh in the henry j fan club a lot of you're gonna love this guy are you are you sober because you gotta be sober for him you gotta really You have to pay close attention and put your thinking hat on for the wild comedy styles of Henry J. Everyone in Utah is sober. Well, not everyone. I did an arena in Salt Lake City on Saturday night, and nobody was sober. We have different crowds, Henry J. This is true. Those people in Salt Lake City fucking party. For those of you that don't know, it is one of the top five cities in the United States of America.

1:32:54Brian Redban:Shout out, Salt Lake City. Shake that bed, bitch.

1:33:01Brian Redban:I have no idea what that means in this context. Wait until we're talking about mashed potatoes or bacon before you speak up again. Henry J., what do you do for work? I'm a finished carpenter. What does that mean exactly? So I install doors and do like a bunch of custom woodwork in people's homes. Oh, okay. Anything woodwork related in people's homes. Oh, all right. Okay. And you just finish. You never start. I just ask. I struggle closing sales because I never actually, you know. What's your love life like? I'm married. You're married? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. When you popped the question, was it all like, would you if you would?

1:33:42If you could? I just used the 20 questions thing, you know. We got there eventually. I love it. What does she do? She's a stay-at-home mom. Stay-at-home mom. How many kids do you have? Two. That's adorable. How old are they? My oldest is five. He's a boy. And then I have a little two-year-old girl. Amazing. You love it, huh? I love it. It's the best. Mm-hmm. Wow. That's incredible. When you come inside of your wife, do you say anything weird? Do you make a weird face or anything?

1:34:11Brian Redban:Do you make a noise? What is a guy like you? Because you seem a little goofy. You seem a little silly. I'd imagine you do something a little wackadoodle dandy. We like dirty talk. Really? Give us an example of your dirty talk.

1:34:29Brian Redban:Do you like that penis?

1:34:37It's all questions. Yeah. I just, you know, I'll kiss her neck a little bit and work my way up to her ear and then just.

1:34:46Brian Redban:And then you nut inside of her? No, no, no. Oh, okay. Take us through it nice and slow. All this. very romantic. I'll just tell her or I guess I'll just ask her it's like no. I'm not going to ask your question. I'm not going to. No. I'll just like I'll work my way up to her ear and then I'll just say baby I would skip church for you. Wow. Wow. That's our dirty talk. That is indeed Utah dirty talk. So you're on the Mormon side of things up there I'm guessing. Very religious. You were raised that way. No, how did you end up finding the Mormons to be your religion of choice?

1:35:30It's kind of a long story. No, I bet it is. I want to hear it. I want to know. I always assume that Mormons, I don't know why, but I always kind of assume that you have to be like born into it and raised into it. I don't often find people that find God finding the like silly alien, the funny one.

1:35:49Brian Redban:You guys are like the funny religion. The deeper you look into it, the wilder it gets. You've seen Book of Mormon from the creators of South Park? No. You should see it. It's unbelievably hilarious. I heard it's highly... And I love musicals. All right, go ahead. Tell us how you found Mormon God. I mean, I think each and every one of us have a direct line to him, and I think he communicates with us specifically so that we're in the right place at the right time to help people.

1:36:23I...

1:36:27I... BYU was highlighted in my mind there, and it felt like that was him putting that there. BYU was highlighted. What do you mean exactly? Like, it was just a thought that came to my brain. When did this happen? After high school? No. I went through a little atheist phase after high school. Uh-huh. And then explain to us what you mean by BYU was highlight. You're an atheist, and then? I found God before this, but yeah, it just came into my mind that that's what he wanted to do, and it was extremely powerful. I could tell it wasn't in my own thoughts. It was just like, this is what I want you to do.

1:37:10And then you went to BYU? And you finished at BYU? I didn't. I dropped out. You dropped out. Okay. How did God feel about that?

1:37:25So, and then, so you drop out. You didn't finish, much like your work. And then, how do you find your, is your wife Mormon too? Yeah. Okay, so you've met her at church? I met her, so I served a mission just like any old little good Mormon boy. So you really did. You had the name tag and the white polo and the black tie, and you're knocking on doors. CIA of Jesus. Okay, sure. Okay, this is how you meet your wife? Paint the picture for us. Yeah, so I met her. We go to a little training center for a couple weeks before we ship out to all the different locations, and I met her there. You met her at the training center.

1:38:07She was, I didn't realize. She was also a missionary there, and we were just. Is that the position that you guys have sex in? we are masters at the missionary position do you only do missionary position really do you do other positions with your wife other ones yeah like what what other ones give us an example

1:38:31Brian Redban:just rattle off rattle off some positions for us real quick no big deal if you want i could have ron white named 75 positions unless the lazy dog

1:38:45Brian Redban:Hold on a second. What exactly is the lazy dog, Ron? That's where you get in the doggy style position and then both of you at the same time, and that's the important part, fall over. Now you're doing a lazy dog.

1:39:07Brian Redban:Ron White is the coolest guy on planet Earth. Where did you get your mission assignment? I mean, did you get an Orlando?

1:39:20Fort Lauderdale. Wow. Look at that. Not bad. They need some saving there. Yeah. So what was that like going into Fort Lauderdale and trying to teach people the way of aliens and whatnot, being a god and all this? It's just a very, very hilarious religion, but go ahead. No, it was interesting. And every time I saw a black person, I couldn't tell if they spoke English, Creole, or Spanish. So you just kind of... Let's stick with that for a second. When you say that, what exactly do you mean? Like you would see one and then... We talk to people on the streets a bunch, obviously, and I'd just be like, hey, how's it going?

1:40:01It's like, un papal English, you know? Oh, okay. I learned the basics of Creole just to be able to communicate. Wow. A lot of hand gestures to communicate when I need to. Okay. And were you able to sign up any of these black people in Fort Lauderdale?

1:40:17Brian Redban:Ron White shaking his head no. I am on the inside also shaking my head no. I don't find it believable. Did you really sell a black guy on being a Mormon? I'm trying to think. How many black people are in the Mormon group up there? Anybody in the Tabernacle Choir?

1:40:39How many times did they answer the door and just go, oh, hell no.

1:40:49What, you a bill collector, motherfucker? Get the fuck up. All right. Red Band, what do you think about Mormons? Man, I just like the things they did because they can't have sex. You know, like that shaking the bed thing was a real thing where they go in bed and they have their friend just shake it so they're like rubbing against each other's, you know, that kind of stuff. You know about this, Henry? I've heard about it, yeah. Can you describe one of the wackiest things that you had to do sexually to respect your religion before you got married? Did you cheat a little bit? Did you stick it in a little bit?

1:41:28Brian Redban:No? No. How about the back side? I know you guys, you guys, a way that the Lord doesn't see the old b-hole in Mormonism, from what I understand. We study these things. On top of mashed potatoes and bacon, he's a butthole specialist, so. No, nothing. Come on, give us a little something. You ever hide in the back seat of your car with a couple friends and watch them make out in the front while you're parked? No? There must be something. How long were you with your wife before you got married? It was like eight, nine months, something like that. Wow, not that long. So for eight or nine months, you guys were kissing, tongue kissing.

1:42:10We made out. Hand stuff, fingers and hands? No. So you had no idea what this lady's pussy even smelled like. And you're like, I want this forever. And it could have been a disaster. Forever and ever, yeah. It could have been a fucking BYU, you know what I mean? i'm taking chances dude oh my god so nothing without a hand job not a dry hump nothing with clothes on not oh not a fully clothed but so you can make out and you would get a boner right while making out but you couldn't like even like be like oh yeah nothing at all nothing so you would like make out and then go to the bathroom and like jerk off sometimes It was just blue balls the whole courtship.

1:42:59Wait, there was blue balls? Blue balls the whole courtship. Blue balls? The whole courtship. The whole courtship. Is that what you said? Yeah. Okay. When it came out, was it curdled or anything?

1:43:11Brian Redban:Oh my God. You couldn't even jerk off thinking about her? Is that one of the rules? No, that's not. You can't even drink coffee. Huh? Drink coffee. Man, Red Band knows all the rules. You teach me I was getting some dental work done and they didn't turn the gas up there I can feel it and it was just like a it was like a like a I don't know some kind of dental school in Vegas I'd broken a tooth and I told the guy to turn the gas up and he goes their regulations they're stating about it wow wow and I said where'd you go to college he goes Brigham young and i'm like turn it up to catholic never let mormon set your buzz level never and here's why they don't understand up the way you and i do they're guessing and they're shitty guessers we're the best designated drivers though out there we got waymos now Henry J fun times great interview interview of the night Henry J congratulations Henry thank you for joining us sign up again come back again alright here we go bucket pool number 9 and I gotta tell you this without a doubt looks like a good name the handwriting is impeccable all caps clearest best handwriting of the night and a catchy name makes some noise for Honey Donowitz, everybody.

1:44:47Brian Redban:Honey Donowitz.

1:44:56So, uh, I just think it's fucked up that our government cut funding to 20 billion children's food because they don't want to fuck fat kids. Like, I get it. I get it. It's been hard out there for them. They're having to recalibrate a whole dating pool. The last time they had to get their own 11-year-olds, bulimia was still taught in school. They're just figuring some shit out. And, like, I don't think it would be necessarily better if you and I had never heard of Jeffrey Epstein. But, like, crazy shit's been happening ever since. You just know there's, like, some guys in the back room somewhere just, like, watching the headlines, seeing monarchies get called out.

1:45:42And they're just thinking to themselves, like, do we have another 9-11 in the chamber? And they did. They did. Jeffrey Epstein was arrested in June 2019, I believe. And December, we're starting to hear about COVID. March, we're shut down. We don't even know who he is anymore. So that's my conspiracy. Thank you.

1:46:07Honey Donowitz, welcome to the show, honey. Did he mention that the handwriting was really nice? It was. It was, yeah. Yeah. Handwriting is incredible. The joke writing, not so much. Let's talk about it. Honey, how long have you been doing stand-up? Six months. Okay. That's not bad. It's not good, but it's not bad. Were you been doing it all in Austin? Yeah. What made you want to start now? um so i got cancer and then after i was yeah i have some moderately funny jokes about it though okay but after i got the all clear that i wasn't gonna have to go through more procedures and things i went to creek in the cave just to see if it felt good and i bombed there too guys You did the open mic there?

1:47:02I did some mics there, yeah. What kind of cancer did you have? Is that okay? You mind talking about it? Yeah, I mean, I talk about it on stage. I had pussy cancer. Ooh, pussy cancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How exactly does one get pussy cancer? Well, you see, funny you should ask, tampons are made largely from recycled electronics, I do believe. There's something there. 5G, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

1:47:26Brian Redban:Wow. Yeah. Our senior tampon correspondent, Brian Redman Mashed potatoes, bacon, Mormons, and tampons And buttholes It's incredible He gets it So you were using, like, cheap tampons? No How does it work? No, I was using, like, a name brand And I'm not going to say it Because, like, I'm not that good at this yet I can't get sued But I was using a brand of tampons And that's the only thing that certain doctors can tie to why women my age have to get new pussies. And they kind of tell you, they're like, yeah, this happens with people that use these tampons. So what would you recommend for the ladies out there with perfect pussies?

1:48:09What should they do? I'm going to be super for real, because I had the surgery in Texas. They made me keep my period. So I still use the fucking tampon. I don't know what else to use. Like, the cups are weird. No, the cups are great. You just pour it out in your garden.

1:48:23Brian Redban:It helps the garden. Oh, my God. Red band. Red band talk like red band You've tried the cup yeah, I freaked me out it freaked you out I don't know I don't even know what that's like it's a fucking cup yeah you put it right I don't Okay, red bag so tell you when you say they operated on your pussy. What exactly did they do? Can you can you describe exactly so it's like this right like like a pussy? Yeah? They took out the rounds. This is all new to me. Are there balls attached or anything? I understand. This can be confusing. It's more comparative to an ass for you. So there's a pussy hole. And originally there's like a little something there.

1:49:07Brian Redban:You had a little something. A little something peeking out. Like a little, hello. I wouldn't say it was speaking quite yet. It was more of like a... I'm a cancer pussy. Like that? Damn near. Okay. So then what did they do? What did they trim away or take out? Just like cut off a layer of it and then just like put a new graft on. Was it the outside? Sort of. Kind of the inside? Yeah. How far inside? Like an inch. Okay. So perfect. So Red Band would have a brand new pussy to fuck. No. Do anything with the cauliflower thing in there? Okay. All right. We're going to... Red Band, turn off your microphone.

1:49:46I don't like have to answer him, right?

1:49:48Brian Redban:What? I said I don't have to answer him. No, you don't have to answer him. He's just here for the jokey jokes, kind of. And the more groans and oohs and aahs is his specialty. Okay, so did it hurt? Well, yeah. Yeah. The cancer hurt. Not surprisingly. No, no, no. So how did you find out that you had pussy cancer? Okay, so... What stinks in here? No, I... Red band. Red band. What did I tell you? that is out of line this lady is a survivor that is a crazy thing to say i mean it's what stanks in here it's not right this is the only young lady that's been on this show and and if you ask questions if you say things like that women aren't gonna want to some women with pussy cancer aren't gonna want to sign up for the show anymore did it stink did your pussy more than anything that's cheap writing i think um honestly no it didn't stink but i was doing like a little bit of you know activities and i noticed that it was hurting more and and uh things weren't stretching as they should or whatever yeah so i had to get that checked out you went to a gynecologist and he's like she she oh yeah yeah wow that's risky you may not have had cancer I mean I just female doctors I've never met a man who could navigate a pussy so I think that the bets were on the girlies on that one but have you ever done the lazy dog I heard about it just now did it with his hand

1:51:33okay

1:51:36so how long ago did you survive pussy cancer So that was like a year and a half ago. Fun fact, pussy cancer is my Wi-Fi password at home. 420. Not the first time I've heard that. Year and a half ago. Wow. And then what's the first thing you did to celebrate not having pussy cancer anymore? No, like literally it was going to creak in the cave at 5.45 p.m. and doing an open mic to seven guys who didn't think I was funny. That's what I did to celebrate. That's how I landed here. Wow. That's a true story. and then I left my family and moved here full time to do this all the time. Wait, what kind of family did you leave?

1:52:11Children, dog. You left children? Yeah. Oh my goodness. But it's okay. I was raising boys. They were going to get fucked up by me anyway. Boy moms are toxic and I was raising white boys. They could be shooters. We're better this way. Wow. You just came to life there when you've been kind of reserved this whole time. And then you talk about abandoning your children and all of a sudden you're fucking Forrest Gump telling a whole story on a park bench. I do try to hide the accent a little bit. People think you're dumb if you're from here. No, yeah. Totally. So how old are your kids? Well, I don't think we need to write that down.

1:52:46Shit. No, I'm just...

1:52:49Brian Redban:Fun fact, I'm not writing it down. I just keep drawing over the word pussy cancer because it's fun. It's something I do here. Sometimes I just write over the same thing. They're 12 and younger. 12 and younger. How many? When you say they, there's three of them. Okay. So where were you before exactly? San Antonio. San Antonio. So it's only an hour away. You're aware of that, right? It's literally a short drive. There's a Buc-ee's. I visit them. It's a Buc-ee's halfway there. Yeah. Doesn't that entice you to go see your kids? Yeah. Don't you go, you know, I could visit my three kids and grab a bag of hot nuts on the way.

1:53:27Yeah. So when's the last time you saw your kids? Last week. Wow, okay, that's not that bad. No. That's pretty good. I'm a moderately decent mother. Okay, when you say moderately decent, what exactly do you mean? I mean that I moved here to pursue comedy, but, like, I love my children, and I raise them well. I help pay for therapy. How many of the three are in therapy? Eventually all of them, but so far one. Okay, the oldest one? Yeah. Yeah. I think that's how it goes. All right. And they know about your pussy cancer? God, no, but now they will because you two. Right.

1:54:04Brian Redban:Oh, Red Band. Do not, that is not the sound effect of her pussy. For those of you listening, it is indeed a swarm of flies flying around. That is. Mommy, why your butt stink? Oh, my God. Red Band. I'm a little bit confused here. Yeah. Go ahead. Ron White. So you've only done one other set, and that was at the Creek of the Cave? No, that's how it started. For the past four months, I have been, like, every single day doing these things, yeah. Okay. And what was it that... And so you moved to Austin just to do stand-up comedy? No, I have a day job. I'm not, like, living in my car or none of those, like, kind of things.

1:54:47I do work. What do you do for work? I run a sign company. What do you mean, a sign company? We do, like, graphics and production for festivals and stuff. It's called Molten Productions. Okay. We're pretty cool. Okay. Does everyone that works there have a pussy cancer or something? Are you guys like, how do you all know each other? Well, you know, I am the only woman there, so I am isolated in that, but everyone is aware of it. Let me ask you one more question that I just thought of because you said you got a skin graft, right? So where did they take the skin from that's now on the first inch, the entry point of your pussy?

1:55:25Yeah, yeah. I have to know, where did they take the skin on your body from? What is now the entryway to your pussy? This is like an interesting thing because no matter what, if someone puts their dick inside of that, they're going through like, what, here we go. It's another part of my pussy. I think that they understood how men might feel and they grafted from further inside the pussy so that it wouldn't be weird for any of the boys. Wow. Yeah. That sounds painful. So they didn't use your heel or anything. No, no, no. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. yo this pussy smells like a foot bitch yo this bitch got a stinky foot pussy oh shit yo why they have fingernails hanging out that pussy

1:56:13Brian Redban:could have been your ear or something you could have heard the dick going in and out somehow some type of phantom if I had gotten a dick they would have taken skin from my thigh I did find that out in my research though If you whated your what? If I had gotten a dick instead of a new pussy. Right, yes. Because there's options on the table. Yes, I know. I looked into it. I was thinking about adding a dick. I was thinking about being too dick Tony over here. Too dick Tony. Yeah. That was going to be my name. I had a big plan. Then they told me it would hurt, so I was out. Well, the hog science isn't there.

1:56:44It's only going to be like that big. Let me ask you this. What kind of guys are you into? The baby daddy, is he... An anomaly? Yeah, what race is he? White. White. Oh, jeez, you said it like a real racist. Well, okay, so here's the whole thing. Uh-huh. Not a ton of the people I've slept with are white. I can tell by the way you're shaped. And I knew that's what you wanted to get to.

1:57:11Brian Redban:Yep, no doubt about it. So somebody told me to make that joke when I started comedy. They were like, if you get it out of the way, it saves everyone else the trouble. It's true. I helped you at least, right? No, I did it myself. I could have lied. In honor of the guys that love you, you're walking away with a big black joke book. Ladies and gentlemen, Honey Donowitz has made her Kill Tony debut. Wow. All right. This is a long episode. We're doing one last bucket pull. We're going to get it up and out of here real quick. D-Man, this is furious. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Luke Rabel, everyone.

1:57:52Brian Redban:Luke Rabel. Here we go.

1:57:59I got banned from a Mexican restaurant. There were no words on the menu, just pictures of the food. And I knew this was going to be the best meal of my life. Eat it all, having a good time, and then I feel the rumbling. The gurgle guts are upon me. I stand up and it is detonating. Just ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Make my way to the bathroom. I'm dilating. It is time for my metamorphosis. I get in there. I sit down, my butt sneezed. Worst crap and cry of my life. 30 minutes of farting and sobbing. Get up, push the handle, nothing happens. Push the handle again. Nothing happens. Well, I need to tell someone about this, and based on that menu, they don't speak a lot of English.

1:58:46So I go, el baño, el baño. This guy follows me in. I point to it. I push the handle. And down it goes.

1:59:00I invited this poor immigrant to attend a funeral for my shit. Thank you.

1:59:07Brian Redban:All right, Lou Grable, welcome. I'm going to make this quick because we're in overtime. How long have you been doing stand-up? Six months. Six months. What do you do for work? I work full-time at a grocery store. Okay, nice. Yeah. I notice you say grocery store. It's not H-E-B, or else you would probably say that because you'd be proud of that, right? It's related to H-E-B. Whoa, a lot of winks there. Yes. What does that mean exactly? It means it rhymes with pentral carket, but I don't know if I can say it online. Oh, all right. Yeah. Yeah about that. What do you do at the grocery store? I work in their cafe area.

1:59:52So the people come in, they tell me what they want to eat. I hit a touchscreen, line cooks make it. I hand it to them and I smile like a good little Chick-fil-a manager the whole time. Okay. Do you work hard or are you a little lazy dog? I have such a guilty conscience. Yeah. Like, if I'm not doing something, I feel like, well, they hate me now, so we're going to go out there and we're going to make these people write me into their will if I have my way. Okie dokie. What made you want to start stand-up six months ago? How old are you? I am 27. 27. What made you want to start now? Well, I moved here from Maryland and grew up in Frostburg, so like very small population.

2:00:40And there was a small theater there. And my friend was on the board of directors. And he said, hey, I know you like doing stand-up. Would you be interested in doing a show here? And I said, sure. How long do you need? And he said, well, we need to justify opening the bar. So if you can make it about 45 minutes, that would help us a lot. And you had never done stand-up before? I did it when I was 17 for like a few minutes at a church picnic. Wow. Okay. So no. Perfect. Pretty much. Yeah. So I timed out everything I had and I said, hey, I got two hours. Let's make it happen. So went up there, did a two hour set.

2:01:18It sold out. So I had a hundred people in there because everyone's desperate for entertainment. How did you sell it out? You just go, I'm doing stand up. Just put it on Facebook. and it was kind of like, I know this person who knows this person who knows that person. Like everyone. Frostberg. Yeah, everyone's a third cousin. Okay. And then how did that go? Well, it went really well. They were laughing the whole time. We sold out of the alcohol during the intermission. I wore a Hawaiian shirt and I wore this hat. Wow. That is a wacky hat. There's no back to it. Turn around so that people can see.

2:01:51It's the assless chaps of hats. Okay.

2:01:55Brian Redban:Is that one of your jokes? You do that. If you were doing a two-hour set, would you do that? Yes. Okay. Yeah. What's the craziest thing about your life before I get you out of here? The thing that you think makes you different than anybody that's ever been on this show? Something perhaps from your childhood, your family, anything at all? Based on what I've seen of the show thus far, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that's engaged. Okay. Yeah. You're engaged right now. Yes, I am. Okay. Where'd you meet this girl? She was a setup from a mutual friend. I met her in an abandoned parking lot at 9 p.m.

2:02:33Last night? Not a little over a year ago. Okay. Yeah. 9 p.m. was very specific. It was dark. Uh-huh. It's not more specific than an abandoned parking lot. There used to be a high school there, but they demolished it for some reason. Oh. Yeah. I don't care

2:02:58Brian Redban:what happened when you met her at that parking lot that night Luke well my friend didn't tell me what she looked like she didn't send me a picture so she got out of the car and I thought okay not bad for a silhouette I wonder what this girl is going to look like so she came over we started walking around this vacant lot talking for a little bit she said she wanted to race me so both of us take off running she fell flat on her face I thought oh my god God. I'm going to marry this girl, aren't I? Wow. Is that one of the jokes you did in that two-hour death? No, that was before I met her. Wow. Amazing.

2:03:38Okay. Luke. All right. Did you guys fuck in that parking lot that night? No. You just kissed? Yeah. Nice. Here you go, Luke. There you go. Thank you. All right.

2:03:50Brian Redban:There goes Luke Rabel, everybody. Yeah, I tried to get one more up here and make it interesting. You're a sweet boy, Luke. Sign up again sometime. There you go. There he goes. Luke Rabel, everybody. If you would have told me that, it would be hard. I would have guessed that was the Mormon guy, right? Like a sweet boy. Yeah, we just raced on our first date in an abandoned parking lot. I got to tell you, William has been sick the last couple weeks. But he's back. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Hall of Famer with the record for all-time appearances and interviews on this show. The Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler.

2:04:34Brian Redban:This is the return of William Montgomery.

2:04:50I met her in a dark parking lot and I fell in love with her and I killed her in the parking lot.

2:05:02Scientists have developed a way for people with severe lung problems to breathe in and out through their butt. Red band, I can see that you are doing that right now. With your stinking ass bitch.

2:05:19I went out to the Middle East to perform for the troops and it's crazy because I had no idea I had such a big following in the Taliban.

2:05:33hand. One time in Chicago, some guy gave me AIDS. My buddy has a foot...

2:05:48My buddy has a foot fetish and for Halloween he dressed up as Quentin Tarantino. He went to a Halloween party and there was a girl dressed up as Bigfoot and she ended up pressing charges because he wouldn't leave her alone. Okay.

2:06:05Brian Redban:Wow. What a relief to have William Montgomery back. The big red machine is fully operational yet again. You've been out for a few weeks. I was very sick and Tony, it's actually very sad because I messed up my sciatic nerve again. So I haven't been able to row for five days, so we'll see what happens. You love your row machine. You've rowed many miles, almost enough to go around the world, people are saying. Yeah, that's 1 ,400 miles. Yes, I've been almost around the world. Yes, it is incredible. Almost around the world this year, 1 ,400 fucking miles. Google it, whatever. It's around the world, the circumference of the earth, 1 ,400 miles.

2:06:49I've done it on the row machine, so it is pretty impressive. I think that's why I messed up my sciatic nerve. I almost got it into the 38-minute time period this past week, and I was almost there in my last stroke. I pulled, I just did it really hard, and then I felt something pop in my back, and I got up and tried to stretch, and I felt woozy, and it's real hurt. Amazing. And that was recent. That was in the last few days? Yeah, that was Thursday. That was Thursday. But you were out two Mondays in a row. Tell us about this little ailment that you had. god tony i mean it was i was coughing uh i was coughing a bunch of stuff up and uh i was real sick and tony if i'm gonna be honest with you i was i was pretty sick but i was also every now and again i'm just not feeling very funny and i hadn't been feel i wasn't feeling funny and i and now my sciatic nerves all fucked up and i'm telling everybody i got fucking aids up in fucking Chicago.

2:07:49I mean, it was literally a couple of weeks ago some dude fucking gives me AIDS up in Chicago, whatever. So that really isn't helping any of this. Seriously, Ron, I mean, it's bad. And my fucking sciatic nerve hurts. And Red Band looks as stupid as ever. And those plastic-looking clown glasses that you wear, what are those things? They look real plasticky and cheap and stupid. What are those? Yeah, what are those? They're glasses. They're glasses! God, you always sound like a monster to me.

2:08:24But, Tony, I did my longest set last night in Louisville, Kentucky. I did 56 minutes. It's the longest I've ever done. I've never done that. It was also in front of maybe the smallest crowd I've done comedy in front of in a while. It was probably 30 people or something. But, Tony, I felt real comfortable. So I've got to figure that out. I got to figure out how to get that comfortable in front of any size crowd because I was I was felt good. He had 56 minutes, four more minutes and I would have hit an hour. But maybe someday, you know, Tony, there was a personal trainer here last week and he wanted to talk to you really bad because he said that the rowing that you're doing is really bad for your health, actually.

2:09:06Brian Redban:Yeah. OK. What do you mean? I don't know. He was saying something like it's really bad. So what? He wants me to turn out like you're fucking fat. Yeah, man. Like, he said it was... I mean, you could die soon, you fucking idiot. So what? I need to just stop doing the row machine, you fucking nasty person? Seriously, shut up, dumbass. That's part of the reason. I start feeling kind of sick, and then I think, God, I'm going to see fucking Red Band's fucking stupid ass up there, and I swear to God, it tips the scale for me not wanting to be here. I swear to God. I swear to God, Red Band, it tips the scale just so much.

2:09:39Like, if I'm kind of feeling sick, and then I'm thinking about your stupid ass, I think, no way. And then I have to call Tony, and it's awkward, but it's because of you, Red Band.

2:09:48Brian Redban:Wow. You know, a little fun fact is that that... Oh, he's a thinking man over here. Oh, poopy butthole mashed potatoes. All right. So, a fun fact about the first two weeks ago when you called out sick for the first time is I believe it was Michael Gonzalez or somebody sent us a picture of you post-workout that day, which we found interesting so it kind of i know i'm my i'm god i was i was worried i was thinking tony's caught my ass yeah i did because people are like i don't know why he's sick check out this picture of him earlier and it's crazy because when we met william i mean holy shit he was so bloated and so fat seven years ago i swear to god it's almost been seven years i've been doing this show like this week or last week or something seven years and i saw this picture of you and you're fucking ripped.

2:10:42Would it be too much? No, no, no, no. I'm not doing it. I'm on two hours of sleep.

2:10:50Brian Redban:The abs are unbelievable. You don't have those abs? No.

2:10:58Brian Redban:Tony! It's them. They want abs. I'm on two hours of sleep. No. I don't feel good. I still don't feel good. I'm on two hours of sleep. Stop doing it! Why did you only have two hours of sleep? Because my fly back to Austin was so early. I always try to get on back to Austin, and I just stay up. I was up there 56 minutes. I was so pumped after that. So I stayed awake for hours. What did you do? Boo! What did somebody say? Boo!

2:11:33God! Boo!

2:11:37Brian Redban:What did you do when you were awake all night? What did you do? You want it just on your phone or do you do something in bed? Do you count sheep? The people want to know. These people have been watching you for almost seven years every week. They see you and they want to know, what does a guy like William do while he's laying in bed? We've talked about everything. We've talked about your favorite board games, your favorite puzzles, your favorite snacks, your favorite vegetables. We've covered it all. Oh, my God, Tony. You know what offended me the other day? What? When you were just talking like that to me.

2:12:08somebody i'm talking to somebody up where we do that where i do the workout stuff and i'm talking to this guy uh and we're having just this regular conversation and out of nowhere he says do you have a learning disability oh yeah he does and i just walked away why what would make him ask a question like that i don't know i don't know i've been doing self-reflecting i don't know do i have a learning disability tony I don't know.

2:12:39Brian Redban:Red Band's nodding. Of course he does. Do you think I have? Because you can't show him your abs because you're tired. Your abs are tired. You can't show your abs right now. It would just be weird. Let me ask you this. Would it make you feel better if Red Band showed his abs first? Look at the little giggler over here. Come on, look. Troy's got his camera out. This is going to be a magical moment. Red band Red band Red band Red band The crowd wants it Red band Red band Red band No Stand next to me Stand next to me Come on Come on Stand next to him Stand next to me then Come on red band Come on Yeah I don't want you either It can't be worse than what we already have in our imaginations of what your abs would look like No.

2:13:36Brian Redban:No? I'm unshaven right now. Maybe if I... Do you think that matters? I don't know if that's better or worse. Whoa, look at that. Can you just show me a little bit from under the table? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Dude, you might have pussy cancer, bro. All right. William. So nice to be back, Tony. We are so happy that you're back off of two hours of sleep and yet you did it again. Unbelievable material. Sneaky little deliveries and treats. The Chicago AIDS thing in the middle. I love just a funny setup and on to the next one. I was hoping that was going to work because if I couldn't get the beginning part then I was just thinking there are times where then it just snowballs and nobody's laughing at any of it.

2:14:33But it was so fun tonight, Tony. Thank you so much.

2:14:36Brian Redban:Everybody loves William Montgomery, and you did it again, William. Go see him on tour. He's doing his longest sets. The baby boy is all grown up. The Hall of Famer, William Montgomery. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in, and it's fucking awesome. It's Ron White. That is cool as fuck. Let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew up tonight. Oh, is that Dave Attell? Fuck yeah. another one of the goats Dave Attell, one of the best in the world if not the, along with the great Ron White, ladies and gentlemen catch him on tour every once in a great while Oklahoma has him on New Year's Eve tickets at tatersalad.com I'll say it again, Ron started this gangster shit in Austin Texas and it's gonna be fucking written about in history books people are making fucking YouTube documentaries from what I understand about Austin every day.

2:15:32Brian Redban:So that's a fucking, that's a thing. We're having a blast here. Ron White, and then Joe Rogan, Tony, Segura, Christina P, Duncan Trussell, Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker, fucking, it goes on and on. Like, it's absolutely crazy the amount of talent that is here all the time. It's unbelievable. And now you got your Dedrick Flynn added to the mix. it's so exciting to watch everything happen in real time. Shout out to Marcus King who joined the band all night tonight.

2:16:10Brian Redban:One more time his brand new album Darling Blue is unbelievable. I have a copy of it. It's on my vinyl record player right now. It is fucking unbelievable. Thank you to Sean Greenberg and the rest of the best damn band in the land. Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com. I love you guys. Very few tickets left for New Year's Eve at the Moody Center. We hear you people say I try to get tickets all the time but you can't get tickets. Well, you can get tickets for New Year's Eve. Why spend it anywhere else? Come to Austin, Texas. The capital of bars per capita. The live music capital of the world.

2:16:46Brian Redban:The live comedy capital of the world. We love you. Thank you. Good night. Thank you.

2:17:22The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:17:56Thank you.

2:18:26Thank you.