#745 - JAMES MCCANN + JEFF DYE

22:13This is for Red Band. Oh, extra noodle. Yeah, just noodle. You need diet. It'd be very dishonorable if you didn't eat that, Red Band.

22:22Brian Redban:You guys all want a bite? There we go. We have a starving cast here. I don't know what happened. It's good. It is so good. One more time. Plug it right down the barrel there. Where's the red light over there? Say the name of the restaurant. Okay. For the last time. Ryukyu Shinmen Tondo Ramen. Very good. That is Kansai Yasuda. Thank you. Representing Canada, Japan, Korea, Philly, and Austin. Texas. How about one more time for the great Kansai Yasuda. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Kansai. Alright, to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. You guys probably know how this works, but we give people the opportunity of a lifetime.

23:06Brian Redban:We're probably the only show in the world in which anybody that signs up can get on the show. And here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your first human being doing a minute of uninterrupted comedy out of the bucket. We're going to meet them all together goes by the name of Tariq Morales everybody here we go Tariq Morales

23:29hello uh what's up guys uh I talked to my mom recently and she said I should try being more black and uh no matter what I do it looks like I drive a Prius with a Hellcat sticker on it people see me come and they're like oh yeah this guy knows both of his dads

23:56I do know my dad. When I grew up with him, he would always give me fatherly advice. He would always tell me, never fuck a bitch with your whole dick.

24:14Only give her half the dick or the bitch gonna go crazy. I had to be like, hey, Dad, I'm 12. Also, are you talking about my mom, motherfucker? What do you mean half the dick? That's my mom, bro. Give her the whole dick, right? I don't know. All right. Thank you.

24:35Brian Redban:Tariq Morales. Very fun. Very good. Great stuff. Nice to meet you. How long have you been doing stand-up? It's actually like a year this month. Where at? All here in Austin? Boise, Idaho. Boise, Idaho. Wow. Yeah. Wow, are you the closest thing to a black guy that they have there? This is it. We hit it, dude. This is as black as it goes. Wow, and are you mixed? Yeah, I'm half black, half Puerto Rican. Okay, all right. Yeah, clap it up, yeah. And the Idaho means you're somehow half white, too. It's very exciting. Yeah, it's a Malcolm X and Malcolm in the Middle situation. Yes, Malcolm X in the Middle, one would say.

25:14Brian Redban:Yeah, exactly. That's how you should say that from now on. Thank you. So let me ask you, Tariq, your dad is black, mom's Puerto Rican? Mom's black, dad's Puerto Rican, but I grew up with my stepfather. He's black. Black as hell. Right. That makes sense. When you say black as hell, can you give us an example of exactly what you mean? Yeah, sure. He like... A little bit of that, not too much of that. He would take massive shits when I was a kid. Oh, okay. And he would chain smoke Newports at the same time. Ah, it was, it could have been any race until you hit the Newports there. Yeah, and then he'd make me stand there so he had someone to talk to.

25:54Brian Redban:Oh, this is pre-cell phone? This is pre-cell phone. Wow. It's like a fucked up way of getting Pavlov into liking the smell of shit and cigarettes. Wow. Yeah. Incredible. That's him, yeah. Okay, and what do you think the blackest thing about you is? Really impressed by close-up magic.

26:25Brian Redban:Wow. Amazing answer. That is correct. It completely checks out. If you had to guess what the whitest thing about you is, even though you're not really white, the Idaho really has you speaking perfect English. Ah, fuck. I know, like, almost all the lyrics to Mr. Brightside. That's... Wow. That's amazing. I learned that through osmosis. I didn't ask for that. That checks out. That's white. And if you had to guess what the most Puerto Rican thing about you is, what would that be? I also can't vote. Yeah. Oh, okay. Puerto Ricans can't vote. Okay. I thought you were going to say you don't recycle.

27:06Brian Redban:They have a recycling problem there. Got me in trouble a year ago. Turns out I was one of the only people that knew about it. Anyway, James McCann. Thankfully, there was a don't vote solution for you as well. There was a what? Well, they don't vote. That was also good. Don't vote. I was being silly. I'll do some close-up magic to make up for it. Yeah, let's do it. What do you got? Whoa. That's his cell phone. How'd you get his phone? Wow. Put the microphone all the way down his throat there. Tariq, what do you do for work? I used to work at Omni. I was up there doing Omni shit, and then now I work from home.

27:43The hotel? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were you doing at the hotel? Front desk guy, horrible. I was doing so bad, and I had to get a new job.

27:51Brian Redban:Can you give us an example of the worst thing you ever did at that job? Apart from, like, not doing it, I don't know. I saw there was an old white man who gave his grandson to, like, a Mexican lady that worked at the daycare, and then he just forgot. And so he comes to the front desk, and he's like, there's been an abduction, there's been an abduction. I'm like, just because she's Mexican, you know, easy. And, yeah, we had to, like, show him the video of him passing his grandson off to the lady. And it was like, that was the craziest thing. I don't know. Wow. Did that remind you of what your father did to you back in the day?

28:26Brian Redban:Passed me off to my mother. Yeah. What happened to the original Puerto Rican father? Oh, man. He was a drunk guy in the military, and he got kicked out eventually. You don't communicate with him at all anymore? Not much, no. I haven't talked to him in years. Okay. Why is that? You just don't? I don't know. I just feel like I don't really need a dad right now, you know? That's true. You know, you kind of miss the window on the dad part. Uh-huh. So, yeah. Yeah. And I need a daddy, I'll call him for sure. Okay. But you consider your stepdad your actual dad? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you had to guess what age you were the last time he made you stay in the bathroom while he shits and smokes Newports, what are we talking about?

29:04Brian Redban:Was this like last Christmas or something? 17, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Oh, my God. That is incredible. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's amazing, Drew. Fucked up. Anything else we should know about you? Do you have any special skills or talents or anything? I don't know. I've been getting into gongs lately. Dude, I've got a... I just bought a gong. A gong? Yeah, a gong. Like an Asian instrument? Yeah, 28-inch Vietnamese gong. Yeah. Wow. So stoked about it. We should have started with that. All this dad talk. It's way more interesting that you're into gongs now. I'm into gongs now. Yeah, they're badass. One of the oldest instruments.

29:42Yeah. I keep it on me. It's in my car right now. It's great. I fucking love that thing.

29:46Brian Redban:What do you do with the gong, exactly? Hit it. Yeah. You just... Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, it's sweet. It's got two dragons on it. Wow. Okay. It's incredible. We have black Puerto Ricans playing the gong, and we have Japanese Koreans in Philly. something's really backwards about the beginning of this episode. James McCann. Since Red Band had so many gong sound effects ready to go with the Asian fella, and with you, I see him over there scrambling, trying to get the gong. He does. He has an entire set of gongs. You wouldn't believe it. Well, you better not hit too many of those gongs, or Red Band's going to think it's time for dinner.

30:33Brian Redban:I'm sorry.

30:38Brian Redban:Tariq, I love your style. Sign up again. How long are you in town for? I live here now. Congratulations. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Tariq Morales has made his Kill Tony debut. There's a big joke book. All right, let's keep it moving along. A little update, a little fun fact for you. Oh my goodness. Yeah, the great Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. HeidiRegina.com to catch the new podcast Love on the Line. She is hot. She's hot, everybody. A little update for you. My stomach is already oddly rumbling from the single bite of ramen that I had. I may have... Okay. Something to keep an eye on as the show goes on.

31:23Brian Redban:It's only been five minutes. Perhaps a bite of frozen Toronto ramen wasn't the best idea. It's been taped to somebody's back. Anyway, let's keep it moving along here. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Diego Delgadillo, ladies and gentlemen.

31:47What's up, guys? You guys look confused. You heard my name, you're like, oh, the kitchen staff can put their name in the bucket. I didn't know that. I know, man. I'm trying to figure things out, learning a lot. I just found out that if you ask enough questions in an Uber, you get a free Quran. I know, dude. I went to three Qurans this week. I started making a game to see how many questions it takes until I get a Quran. Turns out you don't even need to ask that many questions. The other day I walked in an Uber just stressed out enough. I sat down and I just went... He turned around and he's like, my brother, what's wrong?

32:24I was like, I don't know, man. I was like, all these people eating pork and shit. It's really stressing me out. He handed me one off principle. Oh, man, going through some things with my family. I got a cousin that does OnlyFans. Which, honestly, I found out when I was proud of her. I was like, good for you, cousin. Do what you need to. Make money. I get it. Then I found out she was charging me full price. What's up with that, cousin? You don't have no discounts, no promo codes. It's cool, though. We worked it out. She sent me to a different website. It's called OnlyFriendsAndFamily. That one's for us.

33:02Brian Redban:Diego Delgadillo. Am I saying that right? Diego Delgadillo? What a cool name. What ethnicity are you? I'm Mexican and Colombian. Oh, wow. Okay. Welcome, Diego. How long have you been on stand-up? Like four years. Where at? San Diego and then New York. Okay, you live in New York now? Uh, no. I mean, okay, I've been living here for like three months, but I've been living with my girlfriend. She's kind of kicking me out. Ooh. No, it's not like that. She's just like, you need a job. But you don't want to get a job, do you? I need one. It's bad. When's the last time you had a job? August 28th. What happened on that date?

33:51Brian Redban:That shall live in infamy by the way you responded. I mean, that is an exact date. I moved here. I mean, I flew here. I took a flight here. Okay, what job did you have before? I was a barista. In New York? Yeah. Okay. How long were you a barista for? A year. Okay. What did you do before that? Anything? I was a news producer. I produced local news in San Diego. Oh, wow. What did you learn from that job? Let people know how the news works. I was 19 years old telling, like, the whole county what was up. I shouldn't have been doing that. I was lying sometimes. My boss would be like, you sure this happened?

34:29I'd be like, yeah, you're good. You're good. Just run it. They had me translating shit. I don't speak Spanish. I speak Spanish, but not enough to be, like, translating for the news to be, like, broadcast. How old are you, Diego Delgadillo? I'm 22.

34:44Brian Redban:22 years old. Look at you. And how long have you been doing stand-up? Four years? Yeah. So you started at 18? Yeah, like, graduating high school. Incredible. And when did you move to New York to do that? Last August 28th. You move every August 28th? We'll see how it goes. It's looking like December 1st right now for here. We'll see. Why? What's going on here? Not working out? It's not not working out, but like, you know, new city. My girlfriend's getting tired of me. But your girlfriend's in New York? No, she's here. She lives in Austin. She came with you? She lived here. She lived here. That's why I came here.

35:22Okay. What does she do? She works in commercial production.

35:26Brian Redban:And she wants you to get a job. How long have you been here again? Like three months. Three months. And have you paid any rent or anything? No. Which is like, it's a good thing, right? We got a good thing going. Sounds like it's kind of going. James McCann. You're going to want to be careful next August 28th. Because you've gone from presenting the news on television to making coffee for people. I was making more money making coffee, though. Well, still, there's pride and dignity in both of those things, I'm sure. but I mean what happens next August 28th? You just head down to the bridge and get to work?

36:13I'm going blue collar. Next year, blue collar 2026. Who's in? What does that mean to you exactly? Something where I'm working and what do you get? Blue collar, you guys got like hammers and shit? Are you doing crowd work right now? Are you like asking humans in the audience

36:29Brian Redban:for a job? Yeah, actually, if anyone is hiring, anybody here? You know, you'll want to go down to Home Depot because there's less people there now, so you will stand out. That's a good call. Have you tried a coffee shop? I feel good about it. Honestly, I brought resumes. They made me leave them at the door. They were like, you can't bring them in. You brought resumes here? Not really. You got to hide it under your shirt with a bunch of fucking noodles and shit. Yeah. So what has your girlfriend said to you exactly? Like, it's pretty consistent. Every Friday, she's like, so?

37:06Brian Redban:You got a job yet? Are you banging her? You going down on her? You pleasing her? Yeah. Are you sure? No. She says no. So I'm giving, like, the worst performances ever. Yeah? Like, it's pretty laughable. Tell us about it. Describe it to us. I'm like, I'm thinking, like, okay, let's get her off. Then she'll leave me alone about the rent situation. Uh-huh. What do you do? And I'm fucking... I'm thinking... I thought I was good at, like, fingering. I'm not. Show us... I'm like an old person on an iPhone, just fucking general movements. That's how you do it? With your palm? No, no, no. These fingers...

37:42Brian Redban:Show us exactly how you do it.

37:50No, come here. No, come here. I just want to talk.

37:55Brian Redban:Oh, she's across the room from you still. You gotta get her over there. That's usually how it starts. Baby! Come here. Okay. All right. Now let's say she's there. Then what do you do? I just want to talk. I just want to talk. No, it's fine. Oh, yeah. I see why she wants you out. Yeah. This is crazy. I just want to talk, baby. Wow. Diego Delgadillo. This is incredible. I thought Latino men were known for being romantic lovemakers. No, we're known for lying. Oh, okay. Are you kidding me? Come on, even I'm offended by that. Shame on you. What are you? Have the Hispanic community not suffered enough without you coming out here and calling their fingering into disrepute?

38:40Yeah, we're suffering because we lie. It's because we lie. Why don't you lie and tell her you've got a job? Then maybe she'll come.

38:56Bring her a W2, baby. Look what I got.

38:59Brian Redban:Well, Diego, hopefully you finger it out real soon. Here is a medium-sized joke book. Welcome to Austin, Diego. We'll see you around soon. On to the next one we go. Diego Delgadillo. So it'll be interesting to get an update from him next time he signs up. Because I don't think the girl's going to go for that much longer. I don't think he's, you know. All right, we'll see. This is a one-word name coming up. This should be interesting. Make some noise for Frank, everybody. Frank is next on Kill Tony.

39:41so i've recently been on the internet dating and uh been it's been an african-american female that i've been hanging out with and she's about as caucasian as they come and so i introduced her to my family just straight down the middle until about, I don't know, five days ago. We're making love, and she said, ooh. And it was the first time at that moment I realized that there was something deep inside that had not been released yet. but you've woken up a monster since last time

40:21Brian Redban:because you motherfuckers on Reddit are unbelievable. The death threats and shit that you gave me, priceless. Worst bucket pool, you've woken up a monster. You have no idea. I wasn't even entertaining comedy until now. This is for you motherfuckers. frank no one no one even remembers you i bet the difference no one remembered i we didn't even remember you you had another chance i don't even know what happened last time you were on and you're out here like some kind of gangster rapper like y 'all motherfuckers thought you could hold me back but like you're like a gangster rapper that didn't rhyme or didn't have a beat or anything because you didn't really do any jokes this time.

41:10Brian Redban:Like, you had us. You had us at the ooh. We were waiting for a joke. You fucking, you had like a left jab that was set up and then nothing. And then you're like, and by the way, to you motherfuckers on Reddit, fuck all y 'all. Like, of course they're going to say that if it went anything like this. Like, wait till you see what they say this time. I don't even know what happened last time. None of us remember you. Okay, I was the most least, or the least interesting guy on stage that you claimed. Does anybody remember this? This happened twice in an episode. The whole band. Literally the band and never before have me, Red Band, and the band not remembered a human being.

41:50Brian Redban:It was whatever you did was so terrible that we like men in blacked ourselves. Like fucking. Can you take us through? Can you remind me? Let's check in with Jeff Dye and James McCann. Maybe it was the most forgettable name poll ever. Yeah, you're like the opposite of 9-11. You're like August 28th. What the fuck is going on here, James McCann? No, but we'll remember this one. I like this one. 30 seconds of stand-up, 30 seconds of responding to death threats. This is an art form. I think that's good. I think lean into that. Death threats. Also, was anyone else genuinely kind of like, oh, he might pull a gun out or something?

42:33Yeah. Like, there was a little... Like, I love you, buddy, but I was like, oh, fuck, I'm not going to look.

42:38Brian Redban:There was a period of time where he was just straight performing in my eyes, and I had to remind him that there's 300 fucking humans this way. You were just performing for me. You got to look at them. You think I'm the guy from Reddit? I'm Cracker Barrel Kid 55. What? Cracker Barrel Kid 55. Okay. Okay. What does this all mean? Did you plan on coming out and responding to them and you held yourself back for a while? Yeah, it was the longest that I could take. What was the snap? What caused you to... Yeah. What exactly was the death threat that you think you got? Uh, they... Well, it's a different crowd, obviously, but...

43:18I should have maybe kept that in mind. Yeah, yeah. Not well thought out.

43:26Brian Redban:I love all of you. D Madness just went to post on Reddit right now. And he's literally never read anything his whole life. But he's going to start right now. Jeff Dye. Doesn't a little part of you kind of get it, though? These Reddit motherfuckers are pretty mean. I mean, yeah, if you look at it. Yeah. I mean, if you look under a rock, you'll find bugs. I had never gone on Reddit. I didn't know that there was a Kill Tony Reddit where people just... So wait, so then what are you even referencing? All of my friends and family that watched the video and reached out to me because the whole crowd booed me the entire time.

44:02Brian Redban:Oh, my God. No, no. Don't start that. Jesus Christ. What did you say or do the last time that was this terrible? I was short-witted. I wasn't quick to answer your prompts. And you had put me on the spot several times. Yeah, it's an interview. Yeah. You're doing good this time. Was there a reason why you couldn't answer my questions last time? Yeah, I just spent 25 days alone in Idaho. There was a guy from Idaho here just a moment ago who did just fine. He lives in Boise. He's half Puerto Rican, half black. How about? Half white. Okay. Idaho isn't an excuse, buddy. No, I just, I had been speaking for 24 hours before getting on this stage.

44:51Brian Redban:I hadn't said another word. Do you have any jokes? Did you prepare a joke for this? Who wants to hear a joke from Frank, everybody? Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, doing his first joke of the night. It's Frank. What kind of jeans does a ghost wear? What kind? Boo jeans. Oh, my God. You really set yourself up for that one. You literally have the word boo in your punchline. They're saying boo. Yeah. They're big fans of the joke. They want you to make merch. They want you to make merch. Boo. They love the joke. Yes, they do. Them saying. Yes, they do. Have you checked? Can you explain the joke that you bailed on about...

45:34I thought you were suggesting the woman you had sex with that went, ooh, that dad had awoken a monster. But then, no, you were saying that they have awoken a monster.

45:43Brian Redban:Let's get back to that girl you were fucking. Yeah. Are you sure she didn't say boo?

45:53Brian Redban:Maybe. Yeah. Okay. Frank, have you been practicing stand-up at all? This is my second time. Your first time was on Kill Tony? Yeah. Frank, you have to try this other places. I understand that. I've been watching the show, and I ran here. I ran. Just, I did not. Why did you run? Why didn't you walk? I ran eight miles and stopped in for a pint at Shakespeare's, put my name in. Wait, you were just having a drink at Shakespeare's and you're like, sure, I'll sign up. Well, I mean, I've been watching the show. I love comedy. I love everything that this stands for. Okay. You're getting more interesting, I'll be honest.

46:36Brian Redban:Yeah. Do you really have a black girlfriend? No. Oh, wow. Amazing. All right. Frank. I know. Frank thinks this is like his getter done. Frank thinks the boo is you guys liking him. They like you. Okay. Frank, you have to try other places. You have to get good at this. You can't just be the guy that people love to hate on Kill Tony. I understand that. Okay. What did your friends... Well, Tony, that's gone pretty well for you on the Reddit. What? It was a silly joke. You said you can't be the guy people love to hate on Kill Tony, And I was, hey, listen, we're all having fun. Yeah, all right. We're all having fun.

47:19You've got the fight in you. You've got a terrible work ethic, but look at you.

47:25Brian Redban:I think you could be something. You said that your friends and family reached out to you after your appearance on the show. What did your family say about your performance? Did mom or dad talk to you? My mom initially was not a fan of the crowd. She blamed the crowd too? No, no, it was, yeah, well, yeah, because she's trying to be. Wow, it runs in your jeans, your boo jeans. Ooh. Doo! All right. No, they just reached out because it was my first time, and it was terrible. I mean, it was just. Frank, Frank, Frank. Imagine it being worse than that. Yeah, I think it was. I think, I can't imagine it being, all right.

48:07Brian Redban:Frank, did I give you a little joke book last time you were on? Yes, you did. I did. Yeah. Do you have it on you? Can I have it back? Red band's got a great idea. Do you have it on you? I want you to bring it back. I want you to leave it at the ticket booth of the mothership next chance you get. You're the first person in the history of the show that I've ever repoed the little joke book.

48:40Brian Redban:Frank, you have to do this other places. If you plan on coming back, you have to do at least three to five open mics somewhere else. This isn't just do fucking kill Tony. A lot of people spend a lot of time. There's tons of people in this bucket whose passion in life is this, and they're waiting to get pulled and be a star, and you're clunking it up for them because it's just a bucket. You're taking an opportunity from someone that's truly ready and prepared. There goes Frank, everybody, with absolutely nothing. He has to return his little joke book for the first time in the history of the show.

49:18Brian Redban:Twelve and a half years we've been doing this show, the first man to return a little joke book. I got bad news for you. It's another one-word name. But as you know, anything can happen. If you thought Frank was bad, you may love the comedy stylings of Bob, everybody. Here comes Bob, everyone. Uh-oh. We know Bob.

49:45What a very beautiful audience you all are. Everyone is beautiful in the dark and in the rain.

49:56When you look at me, you may be thinking I know where the good stuff is. I don't know where anything is.

50:07Whenever I go anywhere, I make sure I sign the guest book. You, sir, you may never know when you'll need an alibi.

50:21Whenever I cross the street, I look one direction. and then I pretend to be a squirrel and I go for it.

50:33I really like excitement.

50:38I dated a short bisexual woman and she said to me, I want to tell you something but I don't want you to get upset. Whatever you say is a really good thing. It's really good. She said to me that I eat pussy like a girl. So I've got that going for me.

51:01Brian Redban:Fuck yeah, Bob. Welcome back, Bob. It's been a while. I remember you. It's been three years. It's been three years. I've been signing up for three years. You've been signing up for three years continuously? Three years continuously. And this is your first time on in three years? Yeah, I just changed my name to Bob. That's because fucking people... Wait, what do you mean... What was your name before? It's Robert. Robert, wow. I went back to Bob. Oh, my God, you got lucky. This is your first time going back to Bob? Yeah, first time. Unbelievable. What are the odds? I wish Frank would change his name and not get pulled again.

51:36I don't want to be Frank with you. What? I can't be Frank with you.

51:40Brian Redban:I love that. You're not Frank at all. You have punchlines. You're one of the funniest Native American comedians we've ever had on this show. What ethnicity are you, Bob? I'm 100 % Slovakian, but my mom lied a lot. Okay. There it is. The squawking eagle means that you are indeed Slovakian. I love eagles. You do? Yeah. What do you love about them? They're at different heights, above all the shit. You're the man, Bob. Thanks, Tony. What do you do for work, Bob? I'm a world champion handyman, but I'm transferring into a new trade right now. What's the new trade? I'm giving it my fourth try. I'm starting a beverage company.

52:17I've failed at it three times. I'm doing my fourth now.

52:19Brian Redban:What is the beverage that you're making? It's top secret at the moment, but it's every form of beverage you can imagine with some twist you'll never imagine. Wow. There's a lot of imagination there. It's every beverage mixed together? Everything you can imagine, imaginable. Wow. All right. Pretty stoked. I've been decking out this warehouse for it. I think I'm three weeks out, maybe. Do you have Oompa Loompas working for you or anything like that? I have other ultra personalities working. Okay. I love it. I can't wait to drink some. I'll drink, I'll drink, I'll wash down some of that ramen with it for sure.

53:03Brian Redban:Are you feeling the ramen a little bit? Smelling it. What do you mean you're smelling it? You know what I mean. What do you mean? Have you farted? No, I haven't farted. I have no idea what you're talking about. No, I've not been farting continuously throughout the show. I'm not suffering from food poisoning right now and just plowing through it because I'm an unbelievable host. The adrenaline takes over perhaps every once in a while. No, all right. And anyway, my farts smell like hibiscus and eucalyptus, by the way, so you don't have to worry about that. Okay, so Frank, Bob, Bob. Not Frank. I know, you're not Frank.

53:43Brian Redban:How many times have I called you Frank? Any? Just once. Okay, perfect. Bob. Bob. What do you do for work? How do you survive? How do you make money? I can fix or build anything. What's the craziest thing you've ever built?

54:01A Chinese pedicab. You built a pedicab? Yeah. I've retrofitted a pedicab with some electric batteries. Okay. Yeah, it's pretty dope. I'll be driving it out next week. You'll see it.

54:13Brian Redban:You haven't done that yet either. It hasn't been driven yet. Oh, yeah, it has. I drove it today. I tested it. I actually just got the battery in today. Do you pedicab? No, God, no. Oh, Jesus. No. All right. Why not? I have other things to do. Like what? I pay quite well. Like what? Like do electrical, plumbing, you name it. You do it all, huh? Yeah. Wow. What's your love life like, Bob? It's, uh, it's... What? It's dry. That's why I like the rain. Okay.

54:50Brian Redban:Do you have your electrical license? No. No, he's completely unlicensed. He's the guy that's making a beverage with everything mixed together. That's right. Wow. What else would we be surprised to know about you, Bob? You seem... How old are you? I have no concept of time. That makes sense. That makes sense. You seem like you could have fought in every war that's ever happened. Vietnam, civil, the Mexican-Indian war, the Comanches versus the Apaches, perhaps. I actually feel that I was a pirate at some point. Really? I have a ship on international waters, and I have Amazon women guarding my ship right now.

55:34Brian Redban:Wow. But then I change them out every nine months, because they're all impregnated after. and then I ship put them into the homelands and I bring in another crew

55:50Brian Redban:Wow Bob you are amazing you're so stoic in your delivery you're so such an interesting man so crisp that's a very crisp delivery the way you said that it was the way you kept your cheekbones up high I can't help that Bob I can't help my cheekbones, Bob. Talk about... Red band. Red band. I can't believe a fart noise gets that type of roaring... Just a roaring laugh. This is the fan base that I've... That I've accumulated. All right, red band. Okay, very good. You know you're not allowed to have two fart noises in an episode. Okay. Bob, give us one more fun fact about your life. I shoot... For fun, I shoot roadkill.

56:39Wow. Yeah, like I go for a leisurely drive. And look ahead. There's a dead crow on the side of the street. So I pull out of my car and I look at the crow. And it reminds me of my second grade school teacher, Mrs. Crow. She used to pull me out of the chair by my ear and stick me in a corner. So I get out of the car and I shoot Mrs. Crow with my little cannon. I love animals. I shot her with a Canon camera.

57:12Brian Redban:Wow. Bob, you are something else. I love it. Congratulations on getting pulled again. Did you have fun? It was a riot. Thanks, Tony. It was great to see you again. Last time I saw you was San Antonio. San Antonio. We did a Kill Tony there? You did a show there. I did stand-up there. Yeah. And you went and saw it. Nice. Yeah, you met my son at that time. I did? Yeah, you did. Okay. Little Bear. He remembered you, yeah.

57:46Brian Redban:Red Band. Well, here's a big joke book for you, Bob, just because I like your style. Here you go. Boom. There he is, the return of Bob, ladies and gentlemen. All right. It's a real interesting set of bucket pools so far. Let's see what happens next with the stylings of Benny Benoit, ladies and gentlemen. Benny Benoit is next. Here comes Benny. One more time for Benny Benoit.

58:19Hey, what's up, guys? It's good to be here. I'm Benny Benoit. That's French. I'm from Louisiana. I'm what you call Louisiana sober that means I drink, I smoke and I fuck my cousins no I'm kidding man as bold of y 'all to assume I got hot cousins I'm the hottest girl my family's ever produced if we're being honest I would never fuck my cousins dude I got two sisters and a dog why would I you know

58:52nah them bitches ugly too but uh Speaking of ugly bitches, when I first moved to Austin, I got hit on by a gay guy. That was nice. He said he thought that I was hot, and I was like, oh, thank you. He goes, yeah, can I get your number or something? I said, no, I'm sorry, man, I'm straight. And he goes, yeah, I bet that's because you never had good dick before. And I thought to myself, you know what?

59:16Maybe this isn't my Uber after all. But I figured winning Austin, you know? I've been Benny Benoit. Thank you guys.

59:27Brian Redban:Benny Benoit, I'm making his Kill Tony debut, correct? Welcome, welcome. I got pulled once, but I missed my spot. You missed your spot? How did you miss your spot? Well, I had a date who failed to tell me that she was crippled. And so I felt bad. Wait, hold on. You scheduled a date at the same time as you signing up for Kill Tony? Look, it's lonely when you first get here. And when you don't get called for Kill Tony, you spend five hours by yourself if you don't know anybody. So I invited a Tinder date and I got catfished to say the least. You invited a Tinder date to Shakespeare's, the local holding?

1:00:07Brian Redban:It was back to Poor Choices. Sure, but you invited her to where all the comedians and everybody was just waiting around? Yeah. And so when you say she was crippled, you got crippled catfished. What caught the catfish down at Cripple Creek? So what exactly kind of cripple was she? So it was a fat injury. She did say that herself. she broke her leg cause you know the downstairs couldn't support the upstairs basically but she didn't tell me that she was on crutches so I thought she was going to be able to walk to the venue and she couldn't so I felt bad making her cross the street by herself I went out came back and everybody was like dude where the fuck were you so wait where did you go literally across the street to where to where where this is across the street from poor choices where did you go The corner.

1:01:02Brian Redban:The sidewalk. But why? Why would you go to the corner? She was hobbling along the sidewalk, and I felt bad, so I went out. Oh, my God. Okay. I didn't think in that 15 seconds my name would get called. Well, that's when it happens. She didn't think that she'd break her leg being a fatty boombalatty, but life happens fast. Yeah. So you missed your opportunity while at the exact same time realizing that you were meeting up with a fat crippled lady. And I didn't feel like I was allowed to be mad at her. I feel like that's the worst part. Am I going to yell at her for something she didn't do? Yes. Yeah.

1:01:42Brian Redban:She catfished you. And she must have been fat if her legs break. All the pictures were tits up. All the pictures were tits up. It was my fault for believing them, honestly. James McCann. No, he's from Louisiana. They love catfish no matter where I come from. Ah, very good. Very good. Wow. So the crippling was just a broken leg? Yeah, she just had a broken leg. She had a cast? She had a walking boot. That's why I was confused. What are you doing not walking on your walking boot? Was she wearing the boot? She was wearing the boot. So what do you mean? She also had crutches. Oh, I got it. And that's why I felt bad.

1:02:23So I didn't want to make her...

1:02:25Brian Redban:Did you end up... So what'd you end up doing with this lady? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Das booting over here. Oh, yeah. You had that boot up in the air, didn't you? Look at you. The Subaru saw some action in the back seat that night. Really? The Subaru saw some action in the back seat? I was parked on Red River or something. Oh, my God. How's the car? Did you put the emergency brake up? I'm trading it in tomorrow. The shocks are fucked. Okay. She couldn't have been that big if you fucked her in a Subaru. She wasn't that big. It was more of like the way things were laid out. Okay. A lot of shapes. Very top-heavy.

1:03:13Right. Right. And then, you know, the whole missing out on Kill Tony, the whole... She had to. There was a lot of factors stacking up against her.

1:03:21Brian Redban:Did you know at that point when you were hooking up with her that you had missed your spot? Oh, yeah, yeah. This was, like, after I missed the spot, I was like, well, we might as well get shit-faced now. Like, what the fuck is the rest of my Monday now? Right. So we just kind of went out and had a few drinks, ended up in my backseat.

1:03:41Brian Redban:So exactly, take us through exactly what happened in the backseat. I really didn't think we were going to talk about this. Well, there you go. Expect the unexpected, Benny Benoit. Uh, it was a lot of, like, all right, let's do this. And then it was a lot of, no, I'm scared. So, like, what? Wait, was that you saying you're scared? Yeah. What were the ideas being proposed that you were scared of? She was really weird about, like, the fact that we were hooking up on the first date in the backseat of a car. She was not really stoked about that. And I was like... Did you rape this poor lady? I promise you I did not.

1:04:17Okay. I was just, I was really focused on the...

1:04:20Brian Redban:You want to catfish me, bitch? I'll show you. Now you're getting fucked. I miss my goddamn Keltony for this. No, I was really, I was kind of focused on the fact that I'm definitely never seeing her again, so we might as well get it in while we're here. Wow. Good Lord. You might be the worst man with the last name Benoit I've ever heard of.

1:04:53Brian Redban:Wow. Benny, so you live here in Austin full time. Yeah. What do you do for work? I'm a pool boy. Oh, my God. Look at you. You're just out there fucking everything that moves, aren't you, Benny Benoit? I've knocked down some questionable creatures. I'm not going to. I bet. Tell us more about it. What have you done as a pool guy? A lot of single moms out there? It's kind of weird. I'm not going to jeopardize my job for... You're okay, buddy. I'm pretty sure you just admitted to raping a fat cripple. I don't think you can lose your job as a pool boy on Keltony. I meant, like, in person with the women.

1:05:34I don't know if you've talked to women a lot, given...

1:05:38Brian Redban:Very good, Benny. You got me there. Very good, you fat fucking... You fat fucker. you really pulled that one back i liked it but no i mean like uh women are very cryptic whenever they drop hints about the pool boy making a move and none of them have been worth losing my job i get a couple of like tips that i don't deserve here and there and then you know like oh i'm alone a lot it's like me too okay i know what to do i still have a pool to clean All right. Okay. I did. There was an older lady that I thought was hitting on me, but she turned out to be a multi-level marketing scammer. You got sold on a scheme.

1:06:22Brian Redban:No, I didn't fall for that shit. Not again. Well, yeah. Yeah, that can't happen. It was like promising trips to Hawaii and going out to lavish dinners and stuff like that. Yeah. She had a timeshare for you. Yeah. Wow. I was going to have to earn that money myself. Okay. So Benny, do you have any other special skills or talents before we let you go? Made a chemical bomb a couple weeks ago. This guy's afraid of losing his pool boy job. Just admitted to a federal offense. What do you mean you made a chemical bomb? So I got two dogs and where I... It's a weird way to start this. That can't have anything to do with this.

1:07:03No, there's a, you know, I have to take the, like, the poop bags pretty far away, and I'm trying to make it to work, open mics, all that stuff. So I just took a bucket and put some of my chlorine right there and would just put the bags in there. And after a while, it stopped working so good, so I added a pound of some slightly different chlorine. Did not realize that those two were not supposed to be mixed together. And they were fine for, like, two months. And then that big rainstorm we had, like, two weeks ago filled the bucket with water, and it went boom. and wow so i woke up at like 12 30 in the middle of the night my dog was on top of me like fucking shaking and i i couldn't see i couldn't breathe it was like it was a complete disaster so i jumped out on my balcony to like so me and my dogs could breathe and my neighbor came out freaking out and she's jewish so i was i got really nervous at that point right uh the fire department showed up we ended up evacuating.

1:08:02Brian Redban:Wow. Shit storm. Yeah, something like that. So, the chemical bomb, just before I let you go, this was, like, outside on your balcony. Yeah, it was right outside my front doorstep. Right. It all came, like, underneath my door. Wasn't there anywhere else you could put the poop bags? I don't know. How big do you think apartments are? Big enough to have a trash can? Well, with a lid? The trash can is inside. If I had a trash can sitting on my front doorstep, I feel like that'd be... It's not as weird as a bucket full of shit and chemicals. Yeah, you are correct. Make a valid point there.

1:08:43Brian Redban:Benny, I like your style. Very funny. You're a funny man. Welcome to Kill Tony. Benny Benoit, ladies and gentlemen. Well, well, well. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new regular on this show. It is absolutely incredible. You guys are going to love him. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the newest Kill Tony regular. He writes and performs a new minute every single week. This is the dark storm of Atlanta. Make some noise for Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

1:09:24Yeah! Yeah, man. What you know about waking up in the morning to eat a dry toaster strudel because the night before you got too high and drank all the strudel juice? Not my day bad. What you know about missing your dead best friend so much and you want to talk to them so you go get a Ouija board and a street witch and then you start talking to them only to remember that nigga can't spell good?

1:09:59That's just crazy. I'm 35 years old, and then I realized the other day I could fight, but I can't heal. I'm like a reverse Wolverine. We just got to die after this. I can't. I don't got no ACLs. Now I get why when Jesus was 33, he was like, kill me. I, like, kill me. Because if you get acid reflux one time, you, like, nail me to the cross. I don't know. Burp lava and shit. Even God was like, yeah, my son shouldn't be 35. That shit, it shouldn't happen. All right, I love y 'all.

1:10:37Brian Redban:Dedrick Flynn, the dark storm of Atlanta has arrived yet again. Everything 100 % spot on acid reflux is real. I hate it. Shout out Tums. Yeah. Tums saved the day. I take two almost every fucking day now. It's a nightmare. It's insane. Chewable Alka-Seltzer. Let's go with our senior acid reflux correspondent, Brian Redman, here. Chewable Alka-Seltzer. I recommend it. It's like fucking Skittles. It's great. Right. Okay. Thank you. Great commercial. Dr. Redman. Yes, absolutely. So, Dedrick, you are the fucking man. Tell these people something about you. we don't know, Dedrick. Oh, man, bro. I'm a big-ass fan of Monster Truck Jam.

1:11:33I fucking love Monster Trucks. It's like Olympics for rednecks. But you know what I'm saying? I think it should be in the Olympics, honestly, if you want to get... I just like to see shit go flip. You know what I mean? And it means a lot to my soul. This space suit I got on and the space suit is from one of my favorite hardcore bands. between the buried and me. I just want to shout that out. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because I'm the official captain of the mothership and I'm flying, y 'all. Yeah.

1:12:06Brian Redban:Joe Rogan, co-pilot. Yeah, totally. What's the name of the band? Between the Buried and Me. And that's like, are they white? Yeah. Yeah. I said they're in a screamo band, man. I can't picture you going to a white band like that. Oh, bro, Moshing. He just said he likes Monster Truck. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, he's from Atlanta, though. That's like a thing. Yeah, man, that's Mastodon's from there. Yeah, Bron, that's my homeboy, the drummer of Mastodon. It's my badminton partner. We ain't won a game yet, but it's been fun. You play badminton, too? Oh, yeah, I do everything fucking cool, Tony. I do cool shit all the time.

1:12:48I'm just poor. You know what I'm saying? Theme parks, amusement parks, I'm in there. Water slides, I'm in there. You know what I'm saying? Above ground swimming pools, I'm in there. You know what I'm saying? Arcades, I'm in there. Pinballs, I'm in there. I said if they got some fun, I'm in there. I said if you're going bowling, I'm in there. You go to Six Flags, I'm in there. And you go to a party, I'm in there. I said it can't be a party if I ain't in there. I said it can't be a party if I ain't in there. Goddamn. The dark storm. Oh, let's get him. Hey, Jim, touch it! Touch it!

1:13:34What you know about? I'm just playing with you.

1:13:39Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Wow. I love you. I love you guys. Oh, that's the acapella niggas. What's up, dog? Hey, David. Then you going down the train I don't know Y 'all know that one? Y 'all know that? Gotta be hot to know that one I just made it up They played the pre-show Straight No Chaser Probably the best acapella band of all time They're on tour SNCmusic.com On social media At SNCmusic They're unbelievable You got to see them? Dude, I saw them We was up there chilling They had a little We was up there bopping and jigging. And then I had borrowed his shoulder thing to massage. I got a knot out, so my shit was real loose with it.

1:14:27Oh, shit. You know what I'm saying? I was out there getting it. They was shucking and dropping. Y 'all at the Moody Center? Yeah. Y 'all give me some tickets to go to?

1:14:35Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah. My girl likes musical theater, so I'm going to get some pussy that night. Hell, yeah. Absolutely. Let's check in with the great Jeff Dye. Do you guys ever sing, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? That's the only acapella song I fucking know. Do you guys do that? Do you want to sing a little bit of it, Jeff? No, I don't want to sing it. I want to hear it. Don't worry about it. We're not going to put them on the Carmen Sandiego spot, Keno. I don't know. Keno. I just wanted to hear it. Son of a bitch. Dedrick, you are unbelievable. You are perhaps, I mean, you truly are a fucking storm.

1:15:13Brian Redban:It is incredible. You come in and you take over every single week. We love you. Thank y 'all so much. Make some goddamn noise for the great and powerful Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. And it goes on and on. Back to the bucket we go. Ooh la la. Make some noise for Heidi, everybody. Wow. Yes, indeed. Auga, indeed. All right. Your next bucket pool. We know this one. Make some noise for Charlie Shee, everybody. Here comes Charlie Shee.

1:15:55Hello everyone, here's your daily dose of racism.

1:16:05Sometimes I wonder if Jews wear tiny hats is because they miss having a tip again.

1:16:14and sometimes I wonder if well if hip hop artists like to hit women because they love to beatbox

1:16:29but that's the thing with racism isn't it why does it always have to be something for evil why can't it be something good Like, recently I gave a white guy a ukulele, and now he can't stop playing. But that being said, you know, that being said, racism is a two-way street. I just wish I'm driving on the right side of it. Thank you.

1:17:02Brian Redban:Charlie Shi. Welcome back to the show, Charlie. I messed up and used my real name, so. Okay. But it's fine. What's your other name? Oh, Chen. You know me. Yes, yes, I know you. Okay. Yeah, you've been on the show multiple times. Yeah, about a year ago, three times. Okay. Very good. So how's life been going? It's been doing better. Okay, Red Band. We get it. They're Asian. Maybe Native American. i mean i did grow up in new mexico so close enough okay all right there you go um so charlie what's going on in life uh i got laid off for five months and then i was able to find a job about um three weeks ago where did you get laid off from oh i was working for a bank in canada and then the tariffs happened and then U.S.

1:18:01employees are considered to be risks.

1:18:04Brian Redban:So now where do you work? I work for a particular university here in town. You work for what? A university. A university? Yeah. Okay, what do you do at the university? I fix computers. You fix computers, okay. All right. How's life been going, Charlie? are you still well yes I'm still trans it's just that yeah but I mean you wrote down Charlie today what are we going are we going backwards no it's because I had a long day at work I was on the phone for four hours you were on you worked hold on a second here this is breaking trans news hold on I didn't know this was possible but it turns out if you're trans and you work too hard, you go back to the human that you were before.

1:18:58Brian Redban:This is the first time we've seen this before. We're always learning about the trans community here. This is interesting. You went from a Pocahontas to poke his haunt us. Real quick. Well, Charlie, did you have a broken leg a few months ago by any chance? No. Oh, no. Yeah, the third leg is alive I'm living well now. Oh, wow. Okay, Charlie. All right. So you worked so hard that you signed up as Charlie. That's what you're saying? I guess I wasn't all here when I signed up. I'm sorry. No, I mean, there's no reason to apologize. I find it so interesting. Well, now I guess the cat's out of the bag, so to speak.

1:19:42Brian Redban:Or the dog's out of the bag or something like that. So how's transitioning been going for you? I don't know if you guys can tell, but this used to be Charlie, and now it's Chen. It's my first time on the show. I think you were on the show. Yeah. Hello. Nice to meet you again. And you kept the penis. We spoke about that, and you made a joke about it. I mean, being laid off and taking a 30 % pay cut is no way to get to the point where I need the money for it. So, yeah. I also imagine that would also compromise the week. You know, if you get laid off and then also you have to recover from having a penis cut off, that would be a very bad...

1:20:17I might as well die at that point. Well, no, I mean, not.

1:20:22Brian Redban:No. Are you sure they didn't give you a pay cut because you were transitioning into being a woman? Well, when I told my... And women can get paid less? No, no, no, because when I told my parents about it, that's the first reaction from my stepfather. That's what he said, too? Yeah, but it wasn't it, because... What ethnicity is your stepfather? Why? And what does he think about all this? He's fine with it, but my mom is angry because he's fine with it. Tell us exactly how your mom, who's very Asian. Very, very Asian. Yes. Tell us exactly what she says to you about you transitioning into a woman.

1:21:04She visited about a week or two ago, and she pretty much just says that I'm on the wrong path in life. And I should reconsider, especially with the current government pressure and everything. Wait, what exactly, what is the government pressure exactly? You know, the whole talking point about cracking down on DEI or whatever. But the thing is, I never relied on DEI to be who I am today. So it just felt weird that she's talking like that to me. I mean, Asian mothers traditionally really do prefer having sons. So it might be... I don't know if you've seen the statistics on that, but it's very good that you were born as a man because otherwise you might not be here with us tonight doing stand-up.

1:21:55Do people not know about that? I'm sorry, I won't make a joke about that. But you don't need DEI. Yeah, I don't rely on it. D-E-I-T, maybe. No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I thought that was okay. I'm fat. I'm a fat person.

1:22:13Brian Redban:Do you think your mom loves you though? He loved you long time. There you go. He finally got it off clean, ladies and gentlemen. Not in that way, but I know that despite her limited capabilities, she's doing her best. You guys are kind of dressed the same tonight. I got to say, if you look really closely, you can't tell which one's which. So I have no reason to be mad at her, you know? Red band and yellow band up here. This is incredible. Well, people call me yellow band because I do soundboard too, but yeah. Where do you do soundboard at? Shakespeare's. Right after this show, we have open mic there.

1:22:45Brian Redban:Oh, I'm sure these people want another four hours of bullshit open mic after this. Okay, so can I call you Charlie? Sure. What have you been doing with your personal life, Charlie? Tell us more about what you do when you're not performing comedy. Oh, so when I'm not performing comedy, I've been... Oh, I picked up new instruments like bass and things like that. Although I'm better with a piano. And then I also joined a group where we perform every Friday night. And then I played a lot of video games. And then I also looked into video game development such as Unreal 5. I think you're an Asian man.

1:23:27Yeah.

1:23:28Brian Redban:Everything that you say sounds like you're an Asian man. Well, because I'm in the long distance. The bass guitar? Like an Asian woman plays the violin. Ah, okay. You don't know about this? I mean, I guess those Asian bass player ladies are not ladies anymore. No, they're really hot, actually. Charlie, what are you fucking nowadays? What's your sex life like? Like I said, I'm in a long-distance relationship, so I'm essentially celibate until he visits like three times a year, and that's it. Okay, when's the last time you saw him? uh actually maybe summer break summer break yeah before i got laid off okay jeff die yeah i don't think that's called celibate that's called monogamous yeah yeah but yeah you're not just yeah yeah i'm just not going maybe i'm nitpicking i don't know yeah i'm not just going around fucking everything i see good for you yeah you're a good man or lady or whatever the fuck's going on no you're honorable i like this about you're very nice to your mom about it you're you might be the most reasonable trans person I've ever met.

1:24:36Brian Redban:Yeah. We have a few of those on that show. Only very reasonable trans people sign up for this show. We're yet to have an unreasonable trans, which is crazy, because anytime I'm out there, it's almost always an unreasonable trans. In here, for some reason, very reasonable trans. You're the second Asian up here tonight that loves raw men, by the way. A little fun fact. I mean... Luckily, I'm not going to have to try yours.

1:25:08Brian Redban:Because my butt hurts.

1:25:14That's the talk of someone who has his shit pushed in.

1:25:18Brian Redban:Oh, you son of a you son of a nice lady. A very reasonable woman. Why do you want to be trans instead of like a pretty gay guy with nice tits? Good question, Red Band. A lot of people are expecting Red Band to win a Nobel Prize. The questions that he asks. This one will go down in the history books. Why do you want to be trans when you can be a dude with fat tits, dude? Why won't you be exactly what Red Band wants sexually? Yeah. Yeah. Why do you want to have a dungeon when you have those awesome dragons, dude?

1:26:04Brian Redban:It's a good question. What makes you feel like a woman?

1:26:12Brian Redban:Man, he feels like a woman. The only one that heard that? Okay. This is actually a thought I had a while back. And I think it's something like it's unfortunate that you see trans people are closer to straight people. But they keep on lumping us with gay people. And we don't know what to do with it. So because we like somebody of opposite gender most of the time. It's just that we're in the wrong body. It doesn't mean we don't like someone of opposite gender. But you guys lump us with gay people, and then we're like, oh. Well, I mean. Are you pivoting to homophobia? Well. I just want to know. It sounds like you might be going, don't lump us in with these f***ing ass people over there.

1:27:05We're like you.

1:27:08Brian Redban:It's not a bad strategy. The trans are making a move. What an unbelievable move. Conservative trans people. I think I can... Oh, my God. This is incredible. When you hear that train horn, you know. Red band thinks it says train horn. I guess what I'm trying to say is... Red band's not the best speller. It's like tran horn I've been waiting to hit this sound effect Forever Incredible You have it turned out Not all trans people are gay I guess that's what I'm trying to say Okay but when you're butt fucking your boyfriend With your dick You must understand why you're clumped with gay guys Right? You don't butt fuck You take the Oh yeah that makes sense Yeah I take it What do you do with your thing?

1:28:01Brian Redban:Uh We stumped him. We stumped him. You know how hard it is to stump an Asian boy with an easy question? In the classroom, you guys rattle it right off. Oh, man. Most of the time, I don't do anything with it. You don't do anything. You don't like to cum? I do love to cum. What makes you cum?

1:28:26A good fucking, okay? Wow. I'm surprised to hear this. the kind of good f***ing where the hips meets the butt, it feels like he's slapping me while he's thrusting, okay? It's great!

1:28:38Brian Redban:I don't know why people clump you with the gays. There's nothing I love more than getting butt f***ed so hard that it feels like the dude's beating me up during it. Anyway, not gay at all. Totally just Charlie getting butt f***ed by a dude. Why do you clump me with the gays? America's come a long way since Johnny Carson. You know what I'm saying? Johnny Carson used to sit in a suit and tie and have a nice conversation with a movie star. So are Charlie.

1:29:19Let's all leave a little something to the imagination. That's all I'm saying.

1:29:26Wow. Wow. Nothing beats a jet-to-holiday.

1:29:35Brian Redban:Charlie, I like your style. Great interviews always. The minute, you know, you went with it. You committed to racism. It was good. It was okay. It's fun, you know. But really, the interview, you just crush. You're such an interesting person. Thank you. Whatever you are, you're interesting. Here's another big joke book. There you go. catches like a man catches like a man right off his tits bounce right off his tits their tits their tits its its tits ah speaking of real tits there's the lovely Heidi everybody so real yeah

1:30:31Brian Redban:Old real tits, Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

1:30:37Brian Redban:All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Asher Kasson, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Asher Kasson.

1:30:51I was on a date with this girl and she started talking about her ex. And out of nowhere she started talking about his dick. And for some reason she felt called to mention, he wasn't even that big. He was like, maybe your size. And yeah, that's not the fucked up part. See, the fucked up part was she said this during the movie previews. So I got to sit through twilight now while I'm thinking about this shit the whole time. Okay. It's so much for the hole I cut in the bottom of this popcorn bucket. You know what I mean? I guess we're not using that anymore. I got to walk down from ILJ just trickling little kernels the whole fucking way down.

1:31:28Pissed off. Okay. I ended that date and I went home and I did the old fashioned confidence booster, fellas. You know where you measure it up against the TV remote. This is like 2012 though. Okay. So it was like the big ass Comcast remotes. I don't even reach the guide button. I start fluffing it, trying to get every inch I can. Next thing I know, Disney Channel's on. I got my wiener out. It's not good. Kids these days are lucky, though. They got Roku remotes. Roku remote, have you feeling real confident? I'm Asher Kassin. Thank you guys very much. Asher Kassin.

1:32:06Brian Redban:Welcome, Asher. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just about a year. Just about a year. Where at? L.A. All of it in L.A. that you still live there? Yep, 100%. I drove out for this. You're born and raised in L.A.? I was born in Seattle, but lived in L.A. my whole life. Perfect. Amazing. What do you do for work? I just got fired, actually. From what job? I worked at a place called NutriShop. I sell protein powders, vitamins, stuff like that. Why'd they fire you? Because of this, actually. I flew out the first time. I called the time off. I didn't make it back in time and they said, you know, we're firing you.

1:32:45But that was two weeks ago.

1:32:48Brian Redban:Okay. Yeah. How many times have you signed up for this show? Just twice. This is my second time. Nice. Okay. So Asher, I'm going to ask the question that everybody wants to know here. Yes. How big is that dick? I mean, you know, every good joke's got a little bit of truth to it. Small bit. But, you know, it's a solid six, I think. Solid six. Heidi, you have a tape measure over there? No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Okay, and this was your ex-girlfriend? No, it was just a girl I was talking to at the time. You have a girlfriend now? I do. What does she do? Are you making her up as I ask you questions?

1:33:29Well, I'm in a transition, okay? So was the last comedian. Yeah, no. My last girlfriend just left me. Yeah.

1:33:43Brian Redban:You hit the tran horn button. Your last girlfriend left you. Why'd she leave you? It was because I had a porn addiction. Oh, okay. What types of porn are you watching? Black. Okay. Black porn, for sure. What is it about black porn that you love? This entertain, like, they talk during sex. I didn't know, as a Caucasian, I was allowed to do that. What are some of the things that they say that you like? Just give them a little spotlight here, Keno.

1:34:14Tell me this Draymond's pussy. I like that one. Oh, okay. Okay, give us another one. You can take all of it, quit running. Oh, shit. Yeah. All right. I like that. Okay. I haven't had a chance to use it myself, but... Wow. I have some that I use, though. What do you use? Someone called PETA, because I'm killing this pussy. PETA PETA, like the animal protection Oh, like a cat People are freestyling during the sex intercourse now? Yeah Whatever happened to a good old fashioned Kiss on the cheek and I love your baby Yeah, that's gay Wow, yeah Gay? Yeah, that's really gay And don't run away, you can take all this dick That's not gay at all Yeah, but you're the one saying it and you sound like that You see what I'm saying?

1:35:08and when a black dude says it, it's different. Yeah, come on, say this. How dare you come here and question how black I am?

1:35:19Brian Redban:Don't you know this is Draymond's pussy?

1:35:27Brian Redban:Oh, my tea is boiling right now. What do you say, James? Oh, my crocodile's hunting. Oh, I want to didgeridoo you all night

1:35:47We have a beautiful sex life, my wife and I Where we connect emotionally and physically

1:35:55Brian Redban:You should try it I'm not going to go home and jump on top of my wife And start giving her one-liners for black pornography we don't need that we have three children we're just happy to get any time together at all we don't need to spruce it up with some open mic comedy if you want to make a fourth tell her that it's Draymond's pussy fun fact if you tell her it's Draymond's pussy when you make the fourth child you're allowed to leave

1:36:28Brian Redban:Draymond ain't sticking around to raise the child wow is there anything else other than the talking that you find intriguing about black porn? I mean, you know, the size is pretty cool. That's interesting. Yeah. Of the penis. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want to clarify. Yeah. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. So, Asher, you lost your job. You're now unemployed. What's your big plan? I just recently applied to Vans at the mall. Just something to keep me, you know. Yeah.

1:37:08Let me tell you. I reckon you could get that job at Vans at the mall. I've been to that van in Austin? No, in Santa Clarita in California. Oh, I haven't been to that one. But the Vans in Austin at the mall, terrible service. Really? Some of the worst shoes. I tell you, if you want to move to Austin, you get on down to that mall and try one of those shoe shops. Because these people, I say that with love and respect. No, no, no, white. These people are some of the worst shoe shop employees I've ever encountered. I go in this damn shoe shop. I say, I need a size 12. And they come back and they go, well, we've got a size 11 and a size 13.

1:37:49I say, well, that's no good for me. The size is the most important part.

1:37:55Brian Redban:That's what his ex-girlfriend said. Yes. Right here. Very good. She was black, too. Really? Yeah. Wow. And we have a kid together. Oh, hell no. Oh, my God. You made a baby? A black one. You made a black baby? Yep. Oh my God. That's why we separated. He needs the black experience. Wow. All right, I'm sorry. I apologize. You made a black baby and your name is Asher? Asher made an ashy? Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. That is incredible. How old is this black baby? He's just creeped over a year. He's like a year. Why'd you have to say creep like that? Why do you say it like he's plotting and planning something?

1:38:35Brian Redban:He's just creeping over a year? That's Pikachu, Ash. Oh, my God. That is absolutely incredible. Is that why you want to work at a shoe store? No. Well, my actual job is I produce a comedy show at the Ice House. But that's once a month and it's not sustainable all the time. Of course. So how often do you get to see this little black baby? I mean, like. Is that a picture of him? on your shirt? This is Darth Vader. I know it's Darth Vader. I'm making a joke about having a black... It's black. Darth Vader's black, for those of you that don't know. I am your father, and I'm leaving now. Yeah. Alright.

1:39:16Brian Redban:Okay. That did happen in Star Wars. Yeah. He did abandon his child. And Luke turned out great. Yes, he did. It is true. It is true. And he... I mean, it didn't turn out great for Darth Vader, I'll be honest. He's skywalked out of his life. We got Star Wars jokes over here. All right. So, do you only hook up with black women? No, my current girlfriend's white. Oh, wow. What made you make the change?

1:39:58she's pretty thick I like them a little bit round

1:40:03Brian Redban:there's some real hood traits to you like thick white women what do you think is the blackest thing about you we know it's not your penis yeah no probably my black scent I've been trying to get rid of it but it's here you hang around a lot of black people Yeah, a lot. Because, see, my mom, she did, like, drugs. Uh-huh. Yeah, she did heroin when she was pregnant with me. Whoa. I got eczema now, so that's fucked up. Oh, shit. Wow. Yep. Wow. Eczema is your baby mama's name? No. Eczema Jenkins, perhaps? Bacon soda! Wow. Yeah. I was told this would be good for my career.

1:40:55Brian Redban:Wow, this is so, so interesting. So your mom did heroin, so that forced you to have a lot of black friends growing up. Yeah, well, I mean, when you say it in that order, it sounds like I'm... How old are you? I am 23. 23. My goodness. One of the oldest people to ever apply for a job at a van store. This is incredible. If the Vans doesn't hire you, what is your next maneuver? I was going to full dive into comedy. That's the reason why I started producing is actually because your advice to people is produce a show, control your own stage time. So I was going to just dive full on into that. Well, you know, as much as you've hung around black people, I wouldn't recommend diving into much of anything.

1:41:41Brian Redban:Find yourself drowning. There might need to be a lifeguard there. Yes. Can you swim? Yeah, not well, though. Right. Yeah. Okay, so you're 23. You might want to, okay, diving all the way into comedy century. I didn't dive all the way in when I was 23, and I started at 22 like you. I was hustling for a couple few years there. So what's your actual next plan? If the Vans doesn't hire you, you're going to have to make some money. You have you to take care of. You have a child to take care of. Are you giving money to the baby mama? Yeah. Every month I give her. I'm not on child support. I just, that's my kid.

1:42:19I got to take care of my kid.

1:42:20Brian Redban:You're damn right. Yeah. That's good. Because he's a white guy. Yeah. But I used to detail cars. I know how to detail cars. I would go back to door to door trying to, you know, wash people's cars. Wow. Okay. Very good. Wow. All right, Asher. Anything else crazy we should know about you? You know, you have any special skills or talents? You know how to rap at all? You a white rapper? No, I used to play basketball. I played basketball overseas in Puerto Rico. Really? Yeah. Overseas? It was like 50 pounds ago. Like, yeah. There's a C. Like, it's American territory, but I claim it. You know what I mean?

1:43:03Overseas. Yeah. So what was your basketball career like in Puerto Rico? Oh, it wasn't good. I was the only white. Yeah. But I was there. My name was on the roster. Wow. I had one good game out of, like, 30. You had 30 points? No, I had one good game out of 30. I had, like, eight points. Gotcha. But I was throwing those assists. Right. Yeah. Right. Yes.

1:43:25Brian Redban:Absolutely. Anything else other than basketball, comedy? I mean, gambling. I love to gamble. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's not the best for my current situation. But I stopped over at that little place underneath Sunset. They got, like, some slots back there. and I played$20 before I stepped on stage. Yeah, you didn't know that? Yeah, there's slot machines underneath your comedy club. Yeah. Yeah. They're right next to the bathroom of main chicks. I spent$20 and I won like up to$30 and then I blew it all, lost it all. Yeah. But I only played$20. That's good. Never play with more than you're willing to lose.

1:44:01That's right. James McCann. Asher, you're saying a lot of things that are making me scared for your future and the future of your child. But I believe in you. You've got a good energy.

1:44:10Brian Redban:Thank you. Absolutely. Asher. I wasn't going to say anything, but you asked me, and I... You know, you've got to hang in... Look, comedy takes a long time to get going. Yeah. And kids are expensive really quickly. Oh, yeah, I know. What's the most expensive thing that your kid has contributed so far that you've had to pay for? Anything crazy? It's really just the buildup of diapers and the food and everything. No one item is that expensive. What does your baby like to eat? What is he eating? I mean, baby food. What flavor baby food exactly? Again, I'm not that much in his life. I have no idea.

1:44:48You don't know what type of food he eats? No. I just give her the money and she buys it. You don't ever see the kid? All the time. I don't feed him.

1:44:56Brian Redban:Wow. She feeds him. You've never had the urge? D Madness is loving this right now. I think he just tried to choke you there for a second. I think he tried to reach out. I've seen him get fed. Uh-huh. I've been there. My goodness. I love my son. You paint me out to be a villain. Did you give him a white name or a black name? I named him after my grandpa. What's your good name? Demetrius? No, it's Italian. It's Rocco. Oh, okay. Yeah. I could see why that would work. Yeah. He doesn't look black at all. He looks like Filipino. Like, I don't know how. It's not hidden because you can't see him, but yeah, he's Filipino.

1:45:37Whoa.

1:45:38Brian Redban:Have you talked to your wife about this? Does your wife know that you consider your son Filipino? I don't have a wife. Right, your baby mama. Yeah, no. Yeah, and she hates it. She's like, stop talking about our son like that. And I'm like, he looks fucking Filipino. You know, if they ever bring that Maury Povich show, that could be a good way to get some money. Yeah. I can see you doing the dance. Who's Maury Povich, though? I don't know. It was a little bit before your time. Oh, I'm sorry. It was a little bit before your time. Six, seven years ago. You kids don't know. Oh, the crowd's turning on him.

1:46:13Brian Redban:Quick, folks. This is a very pro-Mori crowd here. Asher Kasson, congratulations. Thank you. Fun times. There he goes, Asher Kasson. Thank you. Let's get one last bucket pull up here. We're having fun tonight. You guys having fun out there? All right, let's see what happens here. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. It's Josh Canada, everybody. Here comes Josh Canada.

1:46:39All right, thanks. Thanks. I'm having a great month right now. I actually, it's odd timing, but I just celebrated two years of marriage, so that was fucking dope. Oh, thank you. Thank you, guys. It's a weird time in our marriage because we were talking. I wanted to go see the new Superman movie. It just came out on HBO, and I was explaining it's really interesting because they changed directors, like revamping the universe. And she asked me, how long do you want me to pretend to care about this? so that's a new level of honesty i didn't know that i didn't want you know what i'm saying but i did see the new superman it was pretty good uh if you want to see it i'm hearing a lot of weird stuff about it people were like there's one nation right that's like oppressing another nation and it's an analogy for like israel palestine uh but if you want to see the movie that's not at all true it's not uh and i know that because in the movie lois lane is a reporter and she lived the whole time.

1:47:40So... All right. Thanks. That's my time. Appreciate it.

1:47:45Brian Redban:All right, Josh Canada. All right, Josh. How long have you been doing comedy? Coming up on two years. Two years. Okay. And where at? Colorado, mostly. Colorado. Okay. How's it going there in Colorado? Is it better than it just went here? Yeah. I moved here in March. Yeah, usually, yeah. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm between jobs, but looking for a barista gig right now. Looking for a barista gig. This might be the fanciest unemployed crew of comedians ever pulled out of the bucket. A lot of people hopeful for jobs taken by 15-year-olds. Damn, fair enough. Was that your best minute of comedy, would you think?

1:48:33Brian Redban:Definitely not, but yeah, it was what it was. You know what I want to do? You know what I'm thinking I want to do here? I want to check in. I want to check in with our friends Straight No Chaser over here. Keno, can you light them up real quick? Guys, what did you guys think about that performance, if you don't mind? We're here on Kill Tony. That set was not funny. You shouldn't quit your day job I'd rather hear Bags and boxes And we are Straight Note Chaser That's Straight Note Chaser over there, ladies and gentlemen Just checking in, just enjoying the show over there no big deal how does that make you feel have you ever been demolished by a nine person acapella group before have you ever had your soul taken with such great tone and rhythm no that was new yeah it feels good it's unbelievable from my angle I gotta tell you I think I have the best seat in the house for this they're just loving it look at the smiles on these guys' faces.

1:50:02Brian Redban:They all seem like the nicest guys, but they are loving just destroying you right now. Let's check in with Jeff Dye. I felt like that was a little out of character for the acapella guy. Yeah, it was. Oh, so he seems like a nice guy. Why didn't you do it for all those other fuckers? Well, I mean, I couldn't... Why this one? I couldn't have him do it for the trans or the... Yeah, I missed it on Frank. You guys remember Frank? Frank was rough, but it was Frank's second time, and this guy's been doing it two years, so it really works for you because you've really had a lot of time to practice. This means more to you than it did for Frank.

1:50:42Brian Redban:Josh, let's talk about it. It meant so much to Frank. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything, Josh? Like I said, I was living in Colorado, so I love to snowboard. Nice. Yeah, I got really into pit grilling, which was a lot of fun. What is it? Like smoking meat and stuff. Yeah. Rock and roll, dude. Fuck yeah. Smoking meat. Fuck yeah, dude. Snowboarding and smoking meat, dude. Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. When I'm not snowboarding, I'm out there smoking meat. Fuck it. Have you guys seen this new fucking Superman movie, dude? All right. Okay. Josh, when you do stand-up, what else do you talk about when you're not talking about the Superman movie?

1:51:26Brian Redban:It's a 60-second setup for the lowest journalist survivor thing. Fair enough. Yeah, I talk a lot. My dad's from Mexico, and, yeah, I talk a lot about that. It's funny because people tell me I don't, like, look Mexican or sound Mexican. Right. And your last name is Canada. Yep. That's your dad's last name? So it's Kenyatta. It's a CA. Oh, I do see an accent mark there. I thought you drew like a funny mustache above it or something, which I guess works both ways. It's just an N with like that weird ass sombrero. Yeah, it's a good time. Kenyatta. Yeah. Wow. My God. That's a name that makes you want to close down all the borders.

1:52:08Yeah, no, ever since the election, I'm going by Canada, which is better for some reason. It's a good time.

1:52:14Brian Redban:Amazing. Amazing, Josh. Okay, so let's try this again. You've been doing it two years. I don't want you to, after, there was something. I didn't think the acapella group was going to light you up quite that hard. I feel, even I feel kind of bad. Even me, a writer of like 13 Comedy Central roasts, right? I mean, I do this every week. There's something about being told, you're not funny, in which I'm like, oh, God, that is as icy cold as it gets. just nine guys hitting different notes and making it sound beautifully perfect. So I'm going to give you one chance here to redeem yourself. Two years in the game, I want you to do your best joke right now.

1:52:56Brian Redban:Like a little quick, fast, little like baboon. All right, all right, all right. Move the mic stand out of the way. Move the mic stand. All right, all right. There you go. I think mental health is important just because depressed people are so annoying. It's like, get over it, you know what I mean? And I'm not trying to make light of suicidal people either, because that's very serious. With suicidal people, it's never who you want it to be, you know what I'm saying?

1:53:28Brian Redban:Still not funny.

1:53:33Brian Redban:Oh, Josh. My sweet, sweet Josh. Do you have any other special skills or talents other than snowboarding and smoking meats? Oh, jeez.

1:53:46Brian Redban:I was fucking a girl and a pig the other night awesome I used to like to act a lot that was a lot of fun so that was something I enjoyed doing kind of before COVID do you live here now? yeah well Josh we need you to sign up again sometime Josh in the meanwhile what do you got there? What are you taking out? Here is a little joke book. It wasn't a great day, Josh. It gets better. Sometimes the story, sometimes people grow on this. Appreciate you, man. Thank you. One more time for Josh Kenyatta, ladies and gentlemen. He'll be back. He ain't quitting. He'll come back. He's just gotta fucking smoke some meats.

1:54:37Brian Redban:He'll be back. alright well what an episode it's been how could we forget it started with Kansai Yasuda feeding me ramen Dedrick Flynn absolutely destroying from the middle position we've seen a lot since then there's only one way to end an episode like this ladies and gentlemen and if you ask me it is with the reigning defending record holder for all time appearances and all time interviews he's a Kiltoni Hall of Famer that God himself said, I love that man. Some people call him the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana Tarantula, the Bernie Bush. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, the one and only lights out, William Montgomery.

1:55:38Remember when you could wish COVID on your worst enemy and it meant something?

1:55:46Mamdani, and by the way, I hope I'm pronouncing that right so I don't get jihadied after the show, was just elected mayor and conservatives are pissed. Meanwhile, my ass is handing out hitchhiking directions to the Austin homeless population. You're free! Go live in prosperity! Hey, Red Band, kiss me if I'm wrong, but if you blow bubbles, can that spread hepatitis?

1:56:16Tesla shareholders approved a trillion-dollar pay package for Elon Musk. That lucky son of a bitch is going to be able to retire at 55. Okay, that's my time.

1:56:28Brian Redban:Thank you. William Lights Out Montgomery has done it again. Again, I got to tell you, William, I think we should just jump right into it. Right? You went a little viral this week. I think everybody saw it. It's like a big deal. You want to talk about it, William? Tony, it was the, I'm just going to use the word exciting. It was the most exciting show I've done in years. I'm not even kidding. I get up, I did this, some festival, little festival here in Austin. And I'm doing 25 minutes. and within the first two minutes, some random person joins me on stage. He gets right beside me. Thank God he didn't have a gun or a knife or he would have killed me.

1:57:12He was standing right beside me, and he asked for the microphone, and I just, I'm confused. I don't know what's going on, so I do the microphone over to him, and he's like, you're garbage. This is garbage. So that set a really good tone for the other 23 minutes I had to do after that fucking guy. I'm literally, people are, this hasn't happened And towards the end of it, thank God I was able to just kind of relax And try to appreciate everything But it was a whole bunch of kill yourself Get off the fucking stage Wear the tomatoes That's one that hurt me the most Some idiot kept on yelling, wear the tomatoes But I had to power through Because I'm like, oh my God I have to get paid, I have to do the time So it was, so I had to do it But it was scary But in the first 30 seconds, I could tell it wasn't going to go great.

1:58:01And then the guy joins me on stage. And I didn't know who Morgan J was, but I learned a couple things this weekend. I really did. And one of the things is just see who the headliner person is. And it was a guy named Morgan J, and I never met the guy before. He was very nice. He came up to me and he said hello. But I guess his whole thing is he does the auto-tune microphone and does crowd work the whole time. He goes out into the crowd. So it's a little different than the comedy that I do. Yes. without a doubt. It's totally night and day different than what I did. Yeah. It was a lot of his fans, I think.

1:58:32It could have been worse. You could have had an a cappella band tell you they did shit. Yeah. If the whole audience... Hold on, I don't get it, dumbass! No, I'm kidding.

1:58:42Brian Redban:I'm kidding. I know, that would have been bad. That would have been bad. That would have been bad. And let's be clear here that your comedy style doesn't go that bad ever. Never. It's impossible because you headline your own shows. People come out to see you. And sometimes you're on some of my shows in which everybody knows you. And for this festival, you were paid a very handsome amount of money to do a gig that you normally wouldn't do. Because you normally, let's just be honest here, you normally don't perform in your hometown very often. Not very often. You love making vast sums of money for your art.

1:59:27Brian Redban:Stop saying that. I mean, but you do. I mean, tickets aren't selling as good as this year, Tony. Well, yeah, because you're, yeah, okay. Yep. Okay. Let me just plow through what I'm saying here for a second. Oh, no, you go ahead, James. I was going to say, I think after that video, tickets might turn around. I think, honestly, that was a big viral thing, and people are going to want to do that again. and that's quite scary but financially that's good. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. Without a doubt. We all love it. The Kill Tony fans love it because the jokes are rock solid.

2:00:05Brian Redban:But, yeah I do my Paul Walker, Paul Crasher joke and it is an athroarious boo. Just this barrage of boos. So they love Paul Walker. I guess the Morgan J fans love Paul Walker. I had If I knew that, I wouldn't have done that joke. And there were other jokes, too, that I wouldn't have done. I don't know if there's any way to say this without being slightly political, right? But guys like that, that literally kind of like sing about da-da-da, like very... You talking about Indian guys? No. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I mean, the guy, you know, I mean, it's funny, too. There's Kill Tony fans, right?

2:00:48Brian Redban:And then there's... Oh, my gosh, it just seemed wonderful. I was watching his videos, and at first I was confused because it was like, oh, my gosh, what's going on? Where are the jokes? But then I'm watching it. I'm like, oh, this is funny. Right. It was funny. Yes. It was. There's one thing where it's an older guy sitting next to a young kid, and he's like, how do you know this kid? And that made me laugh because it's like and then the guy's like, oh, it's my cousin. And it's like, oh, my gosh. And it's auto dudes. He's like, that's your cousin. That's your. Yeah. And like so that fan base that this guy has built is, let's just say, very, very clean.

2:01:25Brian Redban:Right. Very clean. Not anything of any like, you know, it's woke church shit. pretty much. Well, I mean, you know, yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, he was real nice to me. I have nothing. I'm not saying anything bad about him. Why don't we do this? Why don't you describe what the audience was like? If you could describe what you were looking at out there, what did it look like to you? Mainly Hispanic people. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay. But yeah, no, it seemed like a lot of Hispanic people. But in the past, there have been wonderful nights. What did you tell me on the phone when I called you to make sure you weren't going to kill yourself?

2:02:07Brian Redban:How did you describe the audience to me? Do you remember? They looked very non-binary. And I say that, Owen, seriously, and that's just a descriptor. It means nothing. I don't care one way or the other. But for the record. Look, you're not going to win them back now, William. No, I'm not trying to say. I don't give a shit. But for the record, when I'm calling the person a slut and a bitch, that was a non-binary-looking fucking nasty-looking bitch. Selling fucking for my death. Literally saying, kill yourself. And I feel weird, Tony, because I literally see a hundred cameras up there. So I'm like, this is awkward.

2:02:49Because it's like I've got to try to defend myself a little, I guess. Because there's all these people. But it's all these idiots filming. And it's, I don't know.

2:02:57Brian Redban:Right. So I just powered through it. But it's just a different type of audience. It was. Yes, and it was scary. It scared me a little bit. There's people that if I was in that spot, it would have been the same thing. Like there's certain audiences that literally perhaps have never seen a real comedy show before. They see someone that's famous on Instagram. They go and they just want to see them sing autotune crowd work. You know what I mean? and you're up there doing actual jokes. I bet you didn't see a single corn T-shirt or an Ozzy Osbourne T-shirt, right, like you do out here. It's a little bit different of a crowd.

2:03:37Brian Redban:Correct, yes. Totally in agreeance on that. Right. So what did you learn from this experience, William? Yeah, let's play a little clip. Red Band has a little clip. Get him out of here! Holy shit!

2:04:01What the fuck did you just say to me, bitch? Don't go over, bitch Yikes

2:04:12Brian Redban:Wow, so that's a little bit I was so angry, I was legitimately angry We have a little bit more, hold on, let's play a little bit more This is playing well in this room Throw that tomato

2:04:26So I started taking weed Viagra, but the only problem is whenever I smoke it, my eyes get hard.

2:04:36Brian Redban:It's killing you here. I'll just need to buckle in. Zero laughter. Zero laughter. And there's a lot of people. Hundreds? And in fact, booze. It was not only not laughter, it was also booze. Wow. Like the entire time. crazy that your jokes destroy here and get booze there. My recommendation is they should have perhaps Frank open up for Morgan J next time because he gets booze here. Maybe he would get big laughs there. Maybe Frank, his third appearance ever, he should make thousands and thousands of dollars to do 25 minutes. Alright. William, you look fantastic. How much weight have you lost? I don't know.

2:05:19It's the Manjaro I'm on. No, it's Yeah, well I haven't been able to do the row machine in two weeks It's very sad, I'm getting into a weird thing God, after that set in the past If it was when I was Sorry, I was looking at your bosoms for a second Oh my gosh, she really has her mouth there

2:05:36Brian Redban:I'm kidding Those are big, yeah, those are huge Those are giant bosoms What was I talking about? I don't even remember what I was talking about Wait, seriously I'm not being mean or anything. What was I talking about, though? Oh, yeah, no. After the set, normally if it was when I was drinking and doing cocaine, I would have gotten all fucked up, but I just ate a large Papa John's stuffed crust pizza. So I'm doing better. Wow. What did you have on your Papa John's large stuffed crust? Just a little sausage. Don't leave. What else? What else was on the pizza? It was just sausage. Oh, well, you did it again, William Montgomery.

2:06:17Brian Redban:You might get booze and silence other places, but here he is beloved.

2:06:25Brian Redban:Guys, let's see what Ryan J. E. Belt drew tonight during this. Wow, look at that. That's James McCann and Jeff Dye. RyanJEBelt.com for those prints. Chris Rogers, what did you draw tonight? Oh, shit, the new regular Dedrick Flynn over there. Guys, how loud can this place get for our guest, James McCann, whose new book of poems, Disquieting Levels of Egg, is on Amazon right now. His special is a wild hit on YouTube, Black Israelite. He has the James McCann Catamaran podcast. James McCann. Don't forget that new book of poems, Disquieting Levels of Egg. There you go. Oh, you've forgotten a bit. They love poems, this crowd.

2:07:09Brian Redban:Perhaps Morgan J can tweet them. I'm going to go after that auto-tune crowd. They're going to love poems. They're going to love it. Those people are sick and disgusting. Can I say? Fuck them. I love you. That's right. James McCann, ladies and gentlemen. Jeff Dye is on tour at jeffdye.com. He has the new Die Hard pod. Thank you, Jeff. Thanks for having me. How about one more time for Straight No Chaser over there? Their pre-show performance was unbelievable. Loved the cameo during the show. sncmusic.com. They're on tour everywhere. Follow them on social media at SNC Music. They are unbelievable.

2:07:51Brian Redban:Thank you to Talkspace, ZipRecruiter, and Takovas. HeidiRegina.com, RyanJEbelt.com, Red Band. Check out my fake band. I got a couple new songs. Cap Red 7 on YouTube. Cap Red Music. Love you guys. That is AI music for those of you that literally will listen to anything. He's got a new AI thing he's doing. It's my poetry, Tony. That's right. It's really amazing. I mean, if you love anything, you will love cat bread music. Whiskey whore. Check it out. Yeah. All right. How about one more time for the best stand band in all the land? Live audience. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.

2:08:52guitar solo

2:09:23The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:10:14COVID-19 COVID-19 Thank you.