#746 - ADAM RAY + IAN EDWARDS

14:46Brian Redban:but what I've seen that way hold on put it up to the microphone put it up to the microphone Adam here we go oh he looks calm he stopped shaking oh wow

15:13Joe White:Is it working?

15:18Brian Redban:Oh, my God, you seem still.

15:20Joe White:Right, right, right.

15:23Brian Redban:No more eating sand outside of theaters for you.

15:28Joe White:Okay, do it and then touch me with it. Yeah. I thought you'd never ask.

15:43You feel better?

15:44Joe White:I think. I don't know. This is quite the science experiment. This is great. I was told I wouldn't be doing this on tonight's episode.

16:04Joe White:That's a good start.

16:05Brian Redban:It's a good start. Make sure you put the little fancy cover back on it or else it might get damaged or something. You have to keep that tuner in tip-top shape.

16:16Joe White:It's very important. How's everybody feel? Normal? All right. How do you feel? I feel like if you just take off your glasses, you'll be straight. You're like the most handsome cerebral palsy person I've ever met. He really is. I've never asked a handicapped person for their skin regiment before. A natural baby. He's all genetics. I don't know. I don't know if we've ever...

16:55Brian Redban:It went both ways, but I got the skin part. I don't know if we've ever seen you take your glasses off. Can you look out there and take your glasses off real quick? By the way. Oh, a little disclaimer incoming here. I was going to say, these are new classes. Oh.

17:11Joe White:These are my liberal cuck classes. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Wow.

17:23Brian Redban:My God. Unbelievable. Getting bitches.

17:31Brian Redban:Martin, you've done it again. You got the show started for us. It's not easy opening this show, and you did it yet again. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show, Martin Phillips. And now, ladies and gentlemen, this is where things get interesting as we make the switch over to the big bucket of destiny here. Some of these people are completely insane. Some of them are the next greatest talent in all of comedy, waiting to be discovered. Some people sign up once they get up. Some people have been signing up for months and months with no luck. Anything can happen. You're watching it all live.

18:04Brian Redban:Your first bucket pool of the night is John Cheney with an uninterrupted minute. John Cheney, here we go.

18:15In 2004, I married a Pakistani woman when I was in the military. I said, keep your friends close and enemies closer. Can't get any closer than inside of them. That didn't pay off in Iraq so much. Um, let's see. What else do we want to talk about tonight? I'm nervous as hell, y 'all. I did bad on this last time a few years ago. Um, I know you're not supposed to talk bad about your ex, but, uh, let's just put it this way. My ex, if she was a crossbreed of dogs, she'd be a mix of a dachshund and a pit bull. Nobody? Nobody? A wiener pit? Nobody? Nobody got that? Okay. Speaking of kids, I got three of them.

19:06When my oldest was four a long time ago, he's in college now, but for Halloween, I dressed him up as a suicide bomber. Because what's scarier knocking on your door? The 15th Spider-Man of the evening, or a four-year-old Pakistani kid in a man dressed in a suicide vest? That instead of saying trick-or-treats, yelling, a la snack bar.

19:33Brian Redban:A la snack bar there at the end from John Chaney. That's a good punchline. You have three kids, John? Yes, I do. And it appears as though you have triplets on the way as well. At least. I love it. You were on this show a few years ago, you said? Yeah. And it didn't go good. Well, the interview went well. Okay. It's a big joke. What did we talk about in the interview? Your Pakistani ex-wife? No, not really. A little bit, Are you still with her? Fuck no. Okay. That didn't last long. How long did that last? 12 years. 12 painful years. Okay. But no, we talked about watching a guy fuck a goat. That was the highlight of it.

20:14You saw a guy fuck a goat? Yeah, in Iraq.

20:16Brian Redban:Oh, okay. The bad guy. The bad guy's fucked. It wasn't an American soldier. No. Right. I hope not. Yeah. That'd be weird. So what's been going on since then, John? How old are you? I am 43. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is like my fourth or fifth time. Fourth or fifth time ever on stage? Yeah. And you were on years ago? A few years ago, yeah. I was living in northwest Tennessee in the middle of nowhere. I just spent the last two years trying to sell my house so I could move here. Okay. I had to go to court to get permission to move my daughter with me. Okay. Made it happen and moved here this past Saturday.

20:49Brian Redban:Congratulations. Look at you, John Chaney. Moved to Austin. All right, John. Hell yeah. Ian? I think you're funny. You're just nervous as shit. You're shaking more than the first guest. Yeah, it is true. It is true. That's bad. That's bad. You are very nervous right now. Very nervous, yeah. You watch the show regularly? Yes. And you're in it right now? Of course. So now you're in the interview portion. Right. What do you think you didn't tell us last time you were on that we would find interesting in the interview portion this time? You've had years to think about it. Yeah, you. Let's see. I don't know if they'll find it interesting.

21:30Talk right into the tip of that. I spent some time in where you're from, Youngstown.

21:35Brian Redban:What were you doing in Youngstown? You know, Lincoln Place. Yeah? Yep, was there for a while. What were you doing at Lincoln Place? Just got put in there by the court. Wait, what is Lincoln Place? I thought it was like a shopping mall, but no. No, no, no. It was a rehabilitation center for kids, teens. Why were you put there? The courts put me there. They put you in a rehabilitation center for teens. Yes. So when you were a teen, this happened? Yeah, I was 17th time. Okay. God, that makes sense. I was a wrong guy. All right. I'm like, what have you done in the last few years, John? You've had time to think, well, I got sent to a teen rehabilitation center.

22:13Brian Redban:That would be fun. I bet it would be, you creepazoid. Look at this guy. Killed him, kids. You sure you weren't the guy who fucked the goat? Not that night. Not that night. You said you're 43, right? Yes. I'm 43. Okay. You look like my dad. Yeah. Yeah. Two trips to Iraq will do that to you. Yeah, for sure. Okay. So, yeah, just life is weathered down. Three kids, bad marriage. Dude, enough said. Destroy you. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. You're like Bert Kreischer if he was called the sleep apnea machine. That checks out. Definitely checks out. That was funny. You look like Bert if all of his potatoes were fully loaded.

23:03Brian Redban:All right. John, what are you doing for work nowadays? Retired military. Retired military. Tell us, what else did you see in Iraq? Tell us what it's like being an American hero. And by that, I mean the sandwich. Not a hero.

23:20It's boring most of the time. Yeah. It's not action every day, so... Right. What exactly did you do in the military? I was artillery. Okay. You ever shoot anybody? Well, I mean, we shoot at people. It's artillery. Kind of shooting in the general direction and trying to take out, like...

23:37Brian Redban:He's trying to talk to me like I'm an asshole. So what'd you do, miss, motherfucker? Shot at people. I fucking sucked. We are... We don't choose where we shoot. They tell us where to shoot, and we just shoot that general direction. Were you shaking like this when you were shooting? Yeah. sometimes no wonder the war took this long you missed yeah

23:59i was and we talked about it last time i was a drill sergeant also oh okay i wasn't always like this i look like i ate myself that's a good point you do look like

24:12Brian Redban:you ate yourself john are your kids big too normal not at all healthy kids very very much It's all straight-A students, nerds. It's weird. Do they seem Pakistani? My oldest does. The other two, not so much. My daughter tans really well, though. Wow. All right. So they're 50... You see how everybody was trying to decide how they felt about that? They're 50-50, you and Pakistani, so that makes them snack packs. Am I correct? Sure.

24:50Brian Redban:All right, John. Well, fun times. Welcome back. You're getting there. You got a little joke book last time, I'm guessing, right? Big. You got a big one? Yep. Well, this time you're getting a medium one. I was in the giving mode last time, John. John Chaney. Dropped it up. Oh, my God. This guy was fighting for our country over the zoo. Can't even catch it. That was many years ago. Oh, okay. There he goes. How about a hand for John Chaney? Just moved here this week. That's what I'm talking about. Some of these people sign up for a year straight. They don't get on. Oh, my God. There she is, the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

25:26Brian Redban:Her show Love on the Line is at HeidiRegina.com. Your second bucket pool is ready. This looks like a new name. Let's see if it is. Make some noise for Michael Hines, everyone. We're going to meet Michael all together.

25:43I want to be the strong, silent type like John Wayne. but I'm really more of a fat gay clown like John Wayne Gacy. I'm polyamorous, just not by choice. Every girl I fuck is banging someone else.

26:04The two things taking jobs in this country are AI and hola. I think marriage is a lot like hitting women. If you think you would never do it, you probably just haven't met the right girl.

26:24My opinion on abortion is you probably shouldn't, unless it's mine, because I'm just really not ready to be a dad yet. So, you know, same as every guy.

26:38Do you guys know why Jesus is in such good shape? He's the original CrossFitter.

26:47Brian Redban:A lot of quick jokes. There he goes, Michael Hines. You've been on this show before? Yes, sir. Welcome back, Michael. Thank you very much. How did that feel compared to last time? Last time went pretty well, too, Tony. You're doing good, Michael. Thank you. Hell yeah. Remind us, how long you been doing stand-up? Just over two and a half years. Two and a half years. What do you do for work? I'm a realtor's assistant. Open houses and stuff. Wow. Put on a nice shirt. Okay, Adam Ray. You look like you're going to shoot up a Bass Pro Shop. Yeah, it does. That is exactly what he looks like. I think I have a concussion right now.

27:26Brian Redban:How'd you get a concussion? On the way over to sign up for Kill Tony on Frontage Road, I got rear-ended by a guy going like 50 miles an hour. Whoa, I also got rear-ended by a guy today.

27:41Brian Redban:Okay. Okay. What ethnicity was the guy that hit you? Take a guess, Tony. No, I'm going to let you just say it. Welcome back to America's Most Racist Game Show. Yeah, I... Take a guess, Tony. Yeah. No way. I just ask the great questions, and that leaves you with the responsibility to be the racist. Hey, man, that's not my fault. If anything, it's on that guy. He's not doing a good job. I'm going to ask you again. What ethnicity was the guy that hit you, Michael? The world wants to know. He was white. I'm staying out of this one. Michael, answer the fucking question, you idiot. He was Mexican, Tony.

28:21We know this.

28:22Brian Redban:No, I didn't know that, Michael. It could have been Asian, too. Let me ask you this. He wouldn't have run. Okay.

28:32Wow. Wow. Where's Martin's fucking tranquilizer thing? Arriba, arriba.

28:41Brian Redban:Did he run? He rear-ended you and then took off? Well, he apologized first, and then he got out of there. He got out of his car, apologized. He rolled his window down. I got out of my car. And he said, my bad, bro, and whipped out of there. Wow. Damn. Was your car damaged? Fuck yeah, it's damaged. He was going 50 miles an hour. How do you know it was exactly 50? You keep saying 50. Well, I think he was going faster than the speed limit, and the speed limit's 40. So, yeah, it's a guess. god damn ian edwards i think the guys here just didn't want to miss kill tony yeah yeah he may have signed up well we're gonna find out later he's gonna be like yay i rear-ended a guy i had to get here it's been a crazy day i rear-ended some bitch-ass nerd before i got here ah interesting interesting what what kind of car was he driving red band wants to know uh some Silver shitty 1990-something.

29:40I don't know. I don't know cars, Tony. Do I sound like I know cars to you? I don't know. You just Rain Man guessed the miles per hour three times. I think you have some idea. Fair enough. Your jokes are really funny. Thank you.

29:55Brian Redban:Yeah, very funny, Michael. What else is going on in life? Tell us more about your private personal life. We want to know. You know, I've just been trying to lose weight, Tony. I'm a pretty big fat pig right now. Well, again, compared to the last guy, you're a fucking... Well, I don't want to be compared to the last guy, Tony. Okay, Michael. How have you been trying to lose weight? Just working out and stuff, but my knees are pretty shot from the Marine Corps, so I used to, like, run and do hard shit, but now I'm a big pussy and my knees hurt, so... You were in the Marine Corps? Yes, sir. What's up with all these fat veterans coming into this?

30:34Brian Redban:Jesus Christ. Did you fuck a goat? A goat? No. I just fucked ugly girls domestically. I didn't go abroad.

30:50Brian Redban:He's doing it, Michael. Kind. Tell us about your time in the military. What'd you do over there? Thank you for your service.

31:00It was a tremendous waste of time. right after boot camp the pandemic happened so i ended up spending i went on to my next training schools there was a six-week water survival school and i was there for 14 months because the base was just shut down because the command was a bunch of gay liberals they hated ronda santa so they were like if you leave the base you're gonna get sick and we just weren't allowed to train for 14 we did a lot of cleaning running the beach it was kind of nice but a big waste of time. Wow. Is that how you hurt your knees? Yeah. Log runs and crawling up hills and other bullshit that we didn't need to do.

31:42Yeah, it did kind of fuck me up. Well, we were trying to get you guys shrunk, but you kept eating all the gushers.

31:48Brian Redban:Joe Biden. That's right. This guy was 95 pounds before he got out of the military.

31:58Brian Redban:Running on the sandy beaches of Florida. What an unbelievable hero you are, Michael. Thank you, guys. I appreciate it. Tell us about your real personal life before we get you out of here. What's your love life like right now, Michael? You seem like a real fucking creep. I got laid like three weeks ago. Girls don't really like me for more than a day or two, so it's more of a one and done kind of deal. Okay. And they're not that good looking either, so I'm not bragging. Right. It's just what it is. Welcome to another episode of The Girls I Hook Up With Aren't Good Looking, starring everyone. So this girl three weeks ago, where'd you meet her at?

32:39At a show at the Narbar Comedy.

32:41Brian Redban:Wow, okay. So what exactly happened? She came up to you after your set? Yeah, she was actually not that bad looking as far as for me goes. She probably could have lost 10 pounds, but who's talking? She was a beautiful Latina, Tony, down by the border. Uh-huh. And I raw-dogged her. Okay. It was pretty cool. Wow. Where did this take place at? You took her back to your place? Oh, hell yeah, Tony. I don't got no roommates. And then, so what happens? You walk her in. What do you do? Do you offer her a drink or something? Take us through the exact order of events at your home. What's it like getting raw-dogged by Michael Hines?

33:23Brian Redban:Here. I'm getting word that the world wants to know. Can I be the girl? Yeah. All right, so let's set the scene. I'm the girl. Give me some romantic music, guys.

33:35Wow, Michael, this is such a cool, I guess, apartment. Is that what you call it? Yes, I do. What? Yes, I do call it an apartment. Oh. Remember earlier at the restaurant when you said you can't eat your food all the way if I'm going to fuck you because you don't want to fart? I do remember saying that. By the way, you crushed at the Narbar comedy show. Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm going to finish that burger and then I'm going to plow you. Okay, but don't record me like you did the whole Uber ride over here. Well, you gave me your consent on camera, so we're good with that. Yeah, but only after you gave me that pill.

34:22which was my plan b that i dropped so it's on me perfect yeah um which where do you want to go by the way like do you have a bedroom or just this futon uh well i do have a bedroom with a

34:33Brian Redban:mattress on the floor what a weird way to say you have a bed the girl acknowledges the unframed posters on the wall oh my god i didn't know there was a goonies too Where the fuck did you get that? You must mean business. Oh, yeah. He tries to distract her from the Goonies 2 poster. Girl, let's get real loud and wake up my downstairs neighbor. She's a bitch. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't like that type of language unless you're fucking me. Actually, you do. Oh, okay. Am I being practical jokers right here? So, you said you had something to drink. What sort of beverages are in your fridge, Mike?

35:27Hill Country Farm Diet Root Beer. Wow.

35:32Brian Redban:Someone's trying to lose 10 pounds. Ooh, that's just my favorite type of Hillcrest soda. It's a guilty pleasure. You're a guilty pleasure. Can I ask you a personal question, Mike? Okay. Do you have any condoms? No. I knew that. I knew that by the poster next to the Goonies poster that says, I raw dog everything.

35:58So I guess I'll take my pants off. You better. Whoa. But in a loving and affectionate way after consent.

36:09Brian Redban:Very good. Cover your bases. Good job, Michael. Boy, I guess I'll lay down because it looks like your knees are in pretty bad shape. Yeah. You're going to have to get on top and do most of this, to be honest, because a lot of me is in really bad shape. I hope my fupa doesn't bother you. I'm going to lick that fupa, girl. Bring it over here. Wow. All right. This is out of control. This party is crazy. I don't know how... What do you say after you finish? Thank you. Wow. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Hines. Only on Netflix can you see something like Michael Hines raw-dogging a Latina fan from Narbar.

36:54Brian Redban:Do you mind if my black friend watches? Girl, I thought we both knew he was. I left halfway through. It's the worst porn I ever heard in my life. So did you ever spend the night or did she leave that night? I Ubered her out of there, Tony. Wow, Michael. Uber X? No, I don't know. I can't afford that. The cheapest one. That is Uber X. Very good. Yeah, I guess so. You gave her a lift? Yeah, I got her out of there, Tony. It was over. All right, Michael. You got a big joke book last time you were on? Yes, sir. You still have it? I do, but it's all full. Is it filled up? Yeah. Is it really filled? Yeah, it's full.

37:33Brian Redban:All right, then you get a new one. There you go. Wow. Still not a hot joke book tonight. How exciting is that? Great job, dude. Thank you, Jonathan.

37:48Brian Redban:Alright. Ladies and gentlemen, your third bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Big Stew, everybody. It's time for a minute from Big Stew.

38:02Oh, shit. What it do? Comedy mother shit. My name is Big Stew. I've been you to this Duolingo app, right? Trying to communicate better with my coworkers. And I just found out they don't even teach you the correct type of Spanish. They teach you Spanish from like Spain. So if you use that app and you go to Central America or South America, you're going to sound like a fucking dork. And they're not going to tell you either. It's going to be like, oh, and they're just going to be like, be in. But in parentheses, is they're going to be like, this guy's a piece of shit. But that begs the question that if a Mexican dude learned English on Duolingo, would he come to America all like, oh, it's Tuesday, isn't it?

38:59My name's Big Stew. What it do?

39:03Brian Redban:Hell yeah. Filling in the last five seconds of time there perfectly. with a catchphrase that nobody needed. Big Stu. Is this your first time on the show? I did this show in 2019. Okay. Wow. So how long have you been on stand-up total? Total? Oh, man. Maybe a year and a half. Well, that was six years ago. So how could you be doing it? I'm talking about all of them, if you add them all together, because I would do it for a couple months, quit for a couple years. Why do you quit for a couple years every couple months? It's just hard to stay motivated in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Is that where you still live?

39:40Brian Redban:No, I moved here a while ago. How long is a while ago? Almost two years. Almost two years ago. So you've been doing it a year and a half, but you were on in 2019, and you moved here two years ago because it's hard to do in Tulsa, Oklahoma, but you've only been doing it a year and a half. I mean, all together. You keep saying all together, but this is a one. I did it for a couple months in 2015, a couple months in 2019, and I've been going consistent since March of this year. Okay. All right. Why do you think you lose motivation so often, Big Stu? By the way, you have Big in your name and you're the smallest guy that's been on this show tonight.

40:18Well, I was like 40 pounds heavier in January. Okay. How'd you lose the weight?

40:25Brian Redban:The last four comedians want to know. And Red Band. Diet and exercise. Diet and exercise. Have you tried Hill Country Diet or Root Beer? No, I haven't. No, I will. So, Big Stu, what got you motivated? What gets you motivated? You're clearly easily unmotivated. How do you stay motivated? Moved to Austin. That helped. Uh-huh. Other than that? Other than that. Now that you're here. Sometimes I'll take acid and get really motivated to do shit. Okay, Big Stu. What do you do for a living? Right now, I work at a place called Build-A-Sign. What is that? I make flags and tablecloths. Oh, okay. What kind of flags are you making?

41:13A lot of trans flags? Mostly a lot of businesses, people, you know, for their business. Have you made a trans flag? I've made a few.

41:22Brian Redban:Look at that. See? They make flags over there. I've been looking this whole time. Yeah, I've been looking for one. I can't find one anywhere. Okay, Big Stu. Give us some fun facts about your life. Do you have any special skills or talents that might surprise us? I can kick myself in the head. Oh, absolutely. Put the mic in the mic stand. We definitely need to see this. It's starting to all make sense, ladies and gentlemen. That is how you end up on... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It counts. That is not how I expected that to go. That was a true sidekick to the head, direct to the forehead. I kind of thought your foot was going to go up high, but no, you leaned your head down and kind of just side-caked yourself.

42:09Brian Redban:I think we could all do that, by the way. Just none of us would ever do that. How many of you want to see Red Band try that right now? Red Band! Come on, Red Band, you can do it. Red Band! He's here to make, kill Tony history right now. We once saw him try to suck his own dick. Oh, use his hand. Oh! Oh, shit!

42:40Brian Redban:Red band. Red band coming about three and a half feet away from his head on the first try. The physical limitations are incredible. Belly was in the way. We're getting old, buddy. We're getting old. He's like, I could do that. I heard three discs pop out of his spinal cord. That was like watching your kid jump off the high dive and just flailing to the bottom. Oh, my God. Your belly hurts now? Oh, my God. I pulled my belly button. He pulled his belly button, ladies and gentlemen. Not everybody can be the physical anomaly that Big Stu is over here. Thank you. Guy's been kicking himself in his...

43:23Brian Redban:How long have you been kicking yourself in the head for, Big Stu? We're learning a lot about how you ended up like this. As long as I can remember. Wow. Like the family has you doing, hey, big Stu, show them your trick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Wow, that's a big thing in Tulsa, Oklahoma. You could have been mayor with a trick like that. Yeah, yeah. What's the biggest crowd you've done that for? This one? Yeah. Yeah, before that, how about before this?

43:54Brian Redban:You know what? I'm not going to make you think that hard about it. Thank you. Did I ask you what you do for work? Yeah, yeah, I make flags. That's right, you make flags. What's the craziest flag or sign you've ever had to make in which you're like, God damn, we really have to do this? Somebody had a flag. It was like Super Mario Brothers, but it said something about ketamine. Ha-ha!

44:18Brian Redban:Very good. Very quick on those Mario. You got that Mario board figured out. You kind of look like Andrew Santino if he quit comedy to manage a Little Caesars. Yeah, it is true. Do you ever get that? Who do you get with the beard and stuff? You have a 90s movie character look, right? You don't get that? Like you worked at a video store or something? No, I don't think so. I don't get a lot of that. Porn? Porn? Yeah. What's your love life like? I got to know. You seem like the kind of guy that would make love to a tree in the woods or something like that. I'm not dating anybody, but back home at all, so I've got a few reliable booty calls that keeps me sane.

45:02Brian Redban:Ooh-wee, a few reliable booty calls. So, like, the last booty call you had, like, can you walk us through that? What's that like? What's it like hanging out with a guy like Big Stu? Hey, babe. Whoa. Those are crickets for no reason. No, it's a frog. Okay. There's a frog in your house. Go ahead, Big Stu. Just a hotel and a little bit of tequila. Wow. That's all. Why do you get a hotel? Take us through the thought process of getting a hotel. You didn't like your place in Tulsa? Not the kind of place? No, I mean, it's whenever I go back to Tulsa, I get a hotel. For the hookers? For the hookers, yeah.

45:45Brian Redban:So you hook up with hookers? No, no, not hookers. Okay. How about here in Austin? Have you hooked up with a girl in Austin since you got here in March? Okay, so where did you find that girl at? It was whenever I was living across the street and working as a door guy. Where were you a door guy at? I was a door guy at Peckerheads and Burnside. This is all here on 6th Street. So how did this happen with the girl? Let me guess. You did a show at Narbar. and a thick Latina comes up to you because clearly she will fuck anything. Yeah. No, I'd seen her around a few times and then one of my off days I had cocaine and I asked her if she wanted some.

46:27Joe White:Only if you kick yourself in the head. Yeah.

46:32Brian Redban:Was it a thick Latina? No. Oh, it was a white girl. Black. Whoa, I would not have expected that big stew. You look like a racist. No, no, quite the opposite. Quite the opposite. Is that your, that's your style? That's your flavor? I do like black. What do you love about black? What do you prefer? Why do you prefer black women over whites? Take us through it. Take us through the process. It tastes like honey. Ooh, damn. All right. Look at that. We'll be right, Blake.

47:09Brian Redban:Ian Edwards, what do you think about this analysis that black women taste like honey?

47:18It's not the worst thing that's been said about black women. But the fact that it's coming from a guy named Big Stu. So you like black women? I do. Is it because you're like a redhead and you feel like you've been rejected by your own kind? No, no, I mean, redheads like me too. Redheads like you too? Yeah. How often do you even see a redhead? I don't know. Every once a week. Wow.

47:54Amazing. I didn't know they'd be out here like that.

47:59Brian Redban:So just like, for example, this black woman that you met, how did that happen? You offered her cocaine, and then what happens? And then we went upstairs to my apartment. You went upstairs. So she was just downstairs outside of your apartment building. Well, yeah, it's 6th Street. Oh, you live on 6th Street. The apartment is on 6th Street, across the street. Was it one of the homeless women? No. So you take her up to your place. Let's reenact it. Adam Ray is now a black woman. Yeah. Big stew. Mmm. It's the right lighting here, Keno. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. I didn't know big stew was gonna have... I didn't know big stew was gonna have such a big room.

48:53Brian Redban:She acknowledges the unframed poster on the wall. Oh, shit. Jurassic Park 9? I thought they were meant for them motherfuckers. You got some cocaine, Big Stu? I do, yeah. I know you do. I saw you hiding that shit in your shoe at Narbaugh. I got you. Yeah. Well, bust it out, play. Let's do it. Let me do a bump off your titty. Ooh. Say what? Let me bump off your titty. Bump off my titty? Yeah. All right, let me take my Eddie Bauer jacket off. All right. Yeah.

49:36Which shit do you want to do? I had a surgery, so the left one's small, and the right one. Which one are you pointing at, Sue? Be definitive, motherfucker. This side. Huh? This is the one on this side. As your roommate, I'm leaving.

49:56That's fine. That's fine. Weird motherfucker staring at my titties. All right, big Stu. Go ahead and do that bump, baby. No, you can stay right there. All right, fuck it, fuck it. Oh, shit.

50:17Brian Redban:Wow. Oh, shit. I think he gave the nipple a little kiss there. Yeah. There was no need for you to nod on my actual titty. But now that we're here, you want to turn those lights down, big Stu? Maybe show me something bigger than just your name? Yeah, sure. Yeah, I got you. Why are you so intimidated? You got cocaine. Oh, shit, I thought you left. Nah. I decided to stick around. While you're here, you might go over and make me a sandwich? I saw some bread and meat on the... next to the kitchen. All right, I got you. Thanks, baby. Big Stu, what do you say after you finish with a black woman?

51:08Why are you still here?

51:10Brian Redban:Wow. Unbelievable. Man, that post-nut clarity kicks in hard for Big Stu. And did she spend the night, or did you get her a car? I passed out drunk, and when she woke up, she was gone. Wow. Amazing. You nailed it, Big Stu. Good job. You check your house to make sure everything was there still? Does he look like he got something to steal? There's nothing worth stealing.

51:37Brian Redban:Yeah, exactly. All I walked out with was a gang boy and some Werther's Originals. D Madness is going to find that woman right now. Man, if this guy could get pussy, then I could definitely fuck this bitch too. All right. Big stew. All right, here's a medium-sized joke book. Good job. There you go. We have a friend here, ladies and gentlemen, who's going to do a minute. A good friend of the show from the comedy store, one of our old pals just swinging into town. So we're giving him a minute, and we love him. It's a good friend of ours for many years, friend of everyone, and a cool comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Taylor Boss, everybody.

52:31I used to be addicted to drugs, but then I got off of them because I found a woman. And I could tell she really wasn't a heroin kind of gal. She was classy. Growing up, though, my parents probably should have known I was going to have an issue with addiction just by how I used to eat my fruit by the foot. Because my brother, you would eat his like a real nerd who would take him forever. just little piece by little piece. What a fucking nerd. And there's how I would eat my fruit by the foot. Now let me know if you would eat it the same way, okay? What I would do, I would open up the package, just take the whole thing out immediately.

53:07Anybody else take the whole thing out immediately? Roll it up to a little ball. Yeah, roll it up to a little ball. Parents probably should have known I was going to have an issue with addiction because with my fruit by the foot, I would take the whole thing out. I'd roll it up to a little ball. I'd put it on a spoon and melt it down.

53:25that I would inject it in my last remaining good vein. I was 10. Anybody else? Thank you. Taylor Boss.

53:36Brian Redban:Hell yeah. Melting down your fruit roll. Welcome, Taylor. How's life going? Great, Tony. Thank you very much. I've been out here for about almost a week. Yeah. I've been having fun. Tell us about it. What can someone expect their first week? A lot of walking, a lot of eating. Ate too much. I almost Terry Blacked in my pants. Yeah. A lot of eating. Yes. Yes. We do that around here, right, Red Band? Duh. Red Band's recovering from a torn belly button. It fucking hurts. Does it really hurt? Yeah, I really did pull. And we were just talking about pulling shit, because we're getting old. Like, I really did pull.

54:20Brian Redban:Taylor, it's good to see you doing comedy. I mean, before, when we used to know Taylor in L.A., you weren't really doing comedy much. Not at the time, no. I mean, I've been doing it for a while. I've been doing it for like 17 years. But in the middle, I took like five years off to do hard drugs and paint pictures. Yes, he is one of the great painters. You can recognize his art all over. Shout out Chris Rogers. Rogan's studio, and you've seen it in the background of Rogan's studio and other places. What else is going on, Taylor? Tell us something crazy about your life that we don't know about you.

54:52About 13 years ago, I got admitted to the mental hospital against my will.

54:56Brian Redban:Nice. Yeah. Why? I was using my room as my studio, and I was accidentally huffing paint 24 hours a day. And I was having grandiose thoughts. I was telling people that I'm God. And in fact, Tony, I'm not God. Oh, I know. Because I am God. No, I'm kidding. I've been huffing Sharpies for 12 and a half. Anyway, what was the mental hospital like, Taylor? It was a little bit weird. They put you in with the craziest person just to kind of scare you a little bit, see how bad you want it.

55:36Then after I started scaring the shit out of that guy,

55:43they put me into... Actually, the first activity was Pictionary. And I don't know if anybody here has ever played Mental Hospital Pictionary before. Not a lot of participation. It was just me and this guy Peter. I just met him. Don't get me wrong, I mean... What I didn't know about Peter is he's been in the mental hospital for a year and a half. He's memorized all the Pictionary cards. So we put on a show nobody in that room will ever forget. It was crazy. Then they had us do karaoke. and then I tried to escape. I only made it to the parking lot. Then they put me back in a room and this time my room did not have any windows in it.

56:23Yeah, but I was in there for about a month.

56:25Brian Redban:Yeah, did they give you medication? They did, yeah. How did that make you feel? Terrible, yeah. I got off of it when I got out. I kept a journal so I didn't kill myself. There you go. Yeah. Look at that. Thank you. Yeah, somebody clapping for not killing myself. Or journaling. Thanks, man. Adam Ray. Taylor's hilarious. Known you for a while. He's opened for me a few times recently and crushed it. Once in Hermosa Beach, once in San Diego. Ripped it. What's really cool is, and I guess this goes for most of the people you see that come through shows like this or anywhere, is just how much he's been grinding.

57:02And it's always cool to be in a position to throw some bones to somebody, and he crushed it both times. It was awesome. So, yeah, hilarious. And you were hilarious just now. So you're getting more comfy in your own skin, which is really cool to see. Yeah. And I'd just like to second that. This motherfucker's funny as shit. When I used to see him not doing comedy, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? Get back on stage. And I also own some of his art. He does. He owns a couple pieces of my art. And I was a little disappointed that he didn't die so the value of it would go up.

57:31Brian Redban:Yeah, the value skyrockets when they die. But I like him alive. I'll take the loss on the art. Tell people so they can find your work. Where can they find your art? Just on Instagram, Taylor Boss, 1S. B-O-S. Correct. That is right. Taylor, you had a great set. Fun times. Taylor Boss, ladies and gentlemen. Love you, bud. Here's a fruit by the foot. We have an actual fruit by the foot somehow. I was just handed this. You got it. Go melt it down. Eat it out of a spoon. There goes Taylor Boss. Check out his art. He is unbelievable. All right. Back to the bucket we go. This looks like a fun new name.

58:10Brian Redban:Make some noise for Mohammed Uall. Mohammed Uall is next on Kill Tony.

58:21Lord and Savior Joe Rogan. You got in trouble for saying... I don't have a problem with people who can afford to go to space. I don't have a problem with them saying... If you can exit the Earth's atmosphere, you can say n***. If you can exit the troposphere, stratosphere, mesosphere, thermosphere, exosphere, ionosphere, you can say n***. You're in a n*** sphere, nobody cares.

59:09I've been kissing sleeping homeless people on the forehead

59:17It's my way of giving back Guys, next time Next time you see a sleeping

59:22Brian Redban:Go ahead, I want to know how this sounds Next time you see a sleeping homeless person Tuck them in

59:33Brian Redban:Mohammed, you all making his Kill Tony debut. I mean, wow. I gotta tell ya, we are going to be bleeping those N-words. YouTube has a rule. We figured out all the modern rules, even though they're always changing with YouTube. We had the actual executives here a few weeks ago, and we asked them every question possible. There's a limit to how many times even a black person can say the N-word, and I asked, what if they're really black? Like, what if they're, like, darker than pure black? Can they say the N-word? And they said, no, you have to bleep it. And somehow, and I know because you are that guy, that we are going to have to bleep four times.

1:00:20Brian Redban:So if you guys are wondering what he was saying during those bleeps, it was the N-word. And it has proven Ian Edwards, who looks like milk chocolate compared to him.

1:00:32Brian Redban:This is like watching. This is 50 shades of black over here. Yo, this is the first time I've ever been light-skinned in my life. And I appreciate it. He's white to me. Oh, I know, I know. It is incredible. Even D Madness is like, hey, that's what I see.

1:00:59Brian Redban:You're the only guy D Madness has ever seen before.

1:01:07Oh, my God.

1:01:10Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What the fuck? That's my kind of motherfucker. I had to come back out so that I could see that shit. Muhammad, tell us what life is like being quite that shade. I mean, when you see a police officer, Or do you just lay on the ground and fucking automatically? Like, what's the situation here exactly? You call me the outline of a black dude? That's incredibly racist. No. I don't know, bro. Okay. Welcome. How long you been doing stand-up, Muhammad? Ten years. Ten years. Where at? Iowa and Austin. Iowa. Wow. You must have really stood out in Iowa. Holy shit. Is that where you were born and raised?

1:02:01I was born when Sudan was whole Sudan, so Khartoum, Sudan. Now it's south and north. Okay. Yeah. How old were you when you moved to America? Ten, ten years old.

1:02:13Brian Redban:Okay, ten years old. All right, ten, ten. Perfect. And what was it like acclimating in Iowa? That was the first place you moved to? I didn't come out. I moved here in December 2004, and I didn't come out for a month because it was snowing in Iowa. Oh, shit. I was terrified of the snow. Yeah, well. Yep. Ian? He's coming from war-torn Sudan. I was like, fuck the snow.

1:02:47Brian Redban:I can't imagine the contrast when you walked out in the snow for the first time. I can't even imagine. so muhammad what do you do for work i work at target you work at target yeah oh my goodness what do you do at target exactly uh i do you know those sampling cards yeah yeah i do samples at target holy shit yeah how yeah looks like adam ray's wheels are turning here oh yeah big sample guy you are uh what uh what are you pushing on the people it could be it's anything that you can like by a target basically. Right. What's kind of like the hot item that really people go bananas for? Why do you have to say bananas?

1:03:36Brian Redban:Why did you say that? Yeah, why did... That's racist. Yeah. Adam over here. Hey, what are people going ape shit about nowadays?

1:03:48I knew I should have done a character.

1:03:54I can't trust myself. Listen. No, you know what I meant. Bonkers. Crazy. What do they go? What do they fucking... What do you bring out and people... What was the food that... Last week I had fucking peppermint chocolate. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

1:04:14Brian Redban:What's your love life like, Muhammad? It's terrible. Tell us about that. That doesn't seem to make any sense. You're a handsome guy. Well, I moved out here to do comedy and I had a girlfriend in Iowa. and then that was over with. You miss her? Yeah, I do. You do. I do miss her. And how long have you been in Austin? Two years. Two years. Have you talked to her at all? No, no. No. Was she sad when you left? Yeah, I was supposed to get married. She was... Yeah. Really? Tell us about that. Like, you proposed? I didn't propose, but... I was... Was it arranged? No. Well, my mom has a couple of girls arranged for me.

1:05:06But the girl that I liked, she did stand-up. She did stand-up? Yeah.

1:05:11Brian Redban:Does she still do it? I don't know. Wow, you really just don't even... Right. Is she Sudanese? You'd be shocked about the answer. You'd be shocked. Asian girl. She's a white woman. Wow. That is correct. Over under 170 pounds. Under 170 pounds. Under 170 pounds. Now I'm actually shocked. That's amazing. And have you been with anyone in Austin? No, no, no. I have a CD. Oh, what is it? Genital warts. Wow. Wow. Amazing. Tell us about that. Do you remember when you got that? I caught it in Cairo, Egypt in a balcony. Wow. Let's cut to a clip. Yeah. We don't have it. So where in Cairo did you find a balcony to hook up with a woman that had genitals?

1:06:13I was 10 years old. She was 16. Wait, you were 10? Yeah.

1:06:19Brian Redban:Oh, my God. How did you know what you were doing at 10 years old? I don't know. It just felt right? Yeah, it felt right. You're like, I'm going to put this there. Yeah. Holy shit, man. That's crazy. Wow. So do you just have those all the time? Is that a thing that just stays? You have it your whole life. You can't get rid of it. But you can get rid of the symptoms, but it always stays with you. Am I just in the STD class? No, this is great. We find out what's different about everybody here. This is amazing. Did you bring this up during the Target interview? This feels like a pretty personal...

1:07:02Brian Redban:No, no. No, yeah. Wow. So basically, I mean, what does that mean? You just have to use a condom all the time. Yeah, basically, yeah. All right. Is it a couple, or is it just like one big, gross one? That's a good question. Redband wants an actual description. There's three, the big three. You have, like, wart remover on it, or have you tried any, like, home TikTok remedies for it? Redband, that's enough. Put down the microphone. Again, what were you doing in Cairo exactly? I'm kind of confused here. So in 2004, the Sudanese government, they were killing a lot of people. Just randomly, or was there a specific reason or type of people?

1:07:46It was in South Sudan where they had resources, where the government would hire rebels to go to remote villages and kill the population and get the resources. And my mom wanted to get the fuck out of there. What were the resources? Like blood diamonds or something? Is that right? It's very funny, guys.

1:08:11Brian Redban:No, I'm genuinely curious. It's very funny. What is it? No, it's just oil. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. so my mom decided to get the fuck out of there and we seek refuge through the United Nations they had a refugee program where if you're in a war torn area they'll rescue you and take you to better places so she applied and then we moved to Cairo, Egypt I lived there for four years then I came here amazing and they shipped you to one of the safest places in the world, Iowa. That had to be a culture shock for you at 10, right? Yes, yes. Whole different situation. All white people around you, basically?

1:08:58Brian Redban:I mean, I lived around white people my whole life in Egypt. Oh. They have a lot of Chinese people in Egypt. That's a fun fact. Oh, okay. Alright. General sews meet genital warts. That's how that goes. You see that? It's a Chinese General War Show. Figure that one out.

1:09:21I love it.

1:09:23Brian Redban:Muhammad, do you have any special skills or talents other than comedy? I'm double-dointed. Can you show us a trick? Wow! Oh, my God. The Exorcista. Anyone can do that. Yeah, no, do not. Oh, man, I pulled my shoulder blades. Muhammad, I like your style. Congratulations. Thank you for signing up. Come back again. Let's do it again.

1:10:00Brian Redban:There he is, Muhammad Iwal, ladies and gentlemen.

1:10:08Brian Redban:All right. Ladies and gentlemen, we have what I think is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. And he's only been on for a few weeks. I think he is the future and the present. This is a brand new minute from the great Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

1:10:38What's up? God, I love this shit. Honestly, Austin, Texas, I owe y 'all an apology. I was shitting on y 'all Wicked online for a long time and in public. It wasn't my fault. This is the first major city I moved to where I had to count black people. Because I'm from Atlanta. I don't have the time. You know what I'm saying? To count all the black people. And then as soon as I got killed, Tony, I was like, oh, shit, nigga, y 'all got great sunsets. Y 'all, this is the most booming city in the world, right? Ask me my favorite comedian. Who's your favorite? Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony Hinchcliffe, my motherfucking favorite comedian.

1:11:25I love being out here now. Because the problem was I was on the bus most of the time, so I never got to see the beauty. because y 'all put the homeless on the bus, and I know where they stop at, and it's near where I live. But the beautiful, because this is what happened. One day I was walking up here. The first time I wanted to sign up, me and my friends was walking, and he asked all of my friends for money, and then when he got to me, he was like, keep your head up.

1:11:54But now that I got killed Tony regular, when I'm riding my girlfriend car, because I ain't got that much money yet, we stopped over here and the dude went to go clean the window and then when she tried to give her money he said nah you got something good on your hands alright he gonna beat somebody thank y 'all so much I'm Detrick Flynn fuck yeah Detrick Flynn

1:12:13Brian Redban:I love it is that truly you rode the bus in Austin? yeah all the time I didn't even know that was a thing I guess I kind of see buses you gotta walk like where I gotta walk it's like a two mile walk around the interstate and then you get on the bus like there's no like real bus lines like going anywhere they don't really go through downtown i don't really ever see them is well that's because you got money tony i i see them all the time i'm like oh there's the 801 i was on there even when i'm driving around in my luxury automobile i don't see buses very often don't come up on your camera.

1:12:55Brian Redban:I love it. Dedrick, how's life going? Your episode came out. You're officially Kill Tony famous. Tell us how your life has changed.

1:13:07Dude, everything's changed. You know how, like, when you get a new haircut and you got errands, you know what I'm saying? Like, niggas gotta see I'm cute. Like, that's how I feel right now. I got new shoes and shit. My shit popping. I've been taking longer shits in public because niggas gotta see these sometimes I don't even take a shit I just put the lid down and then I scream so that way when he come outside he like hey yo some nigga with heat on his shoes is dropping logs right now that's amazing that's an amazing way to show off nice new shoes sometimes I just slide my foot in they stall you know that was you?

1:13:48yeah Them shits is hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew I recognized them. I was going to ask you where you got them from.

1:13:56Brian Redban:That is awesome. Other than new shoes, what else? You're financially secure now for the first time in a long time. Yeah, man. This shit is crazy. My phone on. I don't need the Wi-Fi no more. Shit is great. Actually, I get to go home this week to do Killers Who Killed Tony at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, which is one of my dream venues. That's right. Dad's going to be... Actually, I just get to go home. I don't even know how I feel all the way yet because I haven't been home. I haven't seen my mom. I haven't seen my brothers. I haven't seen my sister. I haven't seen all of my friends that have been there since day one.

1:14:32All I know is the phone calls, but I haven't got the hugs from it. I'm probably going to come back a fucking monster and crying all the fucking time. I can't wait to cry for two weeks straight.

1:14:42Brian Redban:I love it. I love it. Ian Edwards. This is beautiful, man. How does it feel to be robable?

1:14:54Brian Redban:Even Fiona chiming in on that one. We got a different frame. You bald and like... You look like five cigarettes put together or Black and Miles. I just... I'm not very robable. The homers don't even look me in the eyes. Like I told you, they give me respect off-rip. They know I got a gun. Mm-hmm. Tony know I got a gun. He said I can bring it in now. I'm a regular. It's true. All regulars are allowed to have guns. That's why William has four attached to him at all times. I love it. Dedrick, Dedrick, Dedrick. Adam Rank. Yeah, it was really moving, the moment when you got the regular spot. I told you that before I saw you.

1:15:29But what did you do after that, I guess? Like, how do you ride that high? Man, I had so many people. Because the people that were waiting at Shakespeare's, they all heard my name called. So my phone was, like, blowing up. and then after I got the regular I ran out of here with Jay Legend, Bags and Boxes Jay Legend, because he was going crazy when I got called so we were crying, walking back to the Shakespeare's and all I did was scream at the top of my lungs I got motherfucking regular, bitch! And then the whole crowd went crazy and it was fucking sick as fuck and then I've just been, I don't know I'm not even in the driver's seat right now everything's happening that I wanted to happen all I'm saying is follow your fucking dreams All right, follow your fucking dreams.

1:16:14No doubt about it. He's right, dude. No, you're right, because not even, it must have been four years ago, I saw you on the street, and I kissed you on the forehead and tucked you into your sleeping bag. So now to be here, no, it's a callback. But no, I don't want to take away from your stomach, but you're exactly right, dude. You said 39 times until you got called up, right? Yeah, 39 times. That's wild, dude.

1:16:35Brian Redban:It is what's possible. He went from 39 times signing up with nothing to getting on to opening for Joe Rogan two days later to doing the Fox Theater three weeks later. And he's going to be in the arena. Yes, open for Ron White. Going to be at the arena here on New Year's Eve. Come on! You got to get ready to be ready, right? Huh? So you got to get ready to be ready. Yeah, that's it. And he's been ready. He is hilarious. We've seen his longer sets. They are incredible. Find him, follow him. Ladies and gentlemen, Dedrick Flynn. The Dark Storm of Atlanta has arrived. And on to the next one we go. I gotta tell you, this name looks amazing.

1:17:20Brian Redban:And I hope it is anything like what it seems to be. No doubt the first time for this bucket pool. Let's see if the carpets match the drapes with this one. Make some noise. For Stevie One Leg Wonder. Stevie One Leg Wonder. Okay, indeed. It is Stevie One Leg Wonder. Hey, Austin. I did a 23andMe the other day and found out I'm Chinese. Yeah, I'm from vagina. Yeah. Oh. Hold it up to your mouth. My bad. I didn't realize. Oh, no, no, I just lost my train of thought. I was outside last Monday. I signed up, and I was looking at the homeless guy in the street. He had a vacuum cleaner, and he was running back and forth on the line.

1:18:22I was just like, wow, Austin started with their homeless population to clean up these streets. It was super awesome. What do you guys call a black guy that flies a plane?

1:18:38call him a pilot you fucking racist that's all i was prepared for there you go stevie one leg wonder

1:18:49Brian Redban:welcome to the show stevie how are you uh nervous you're good you're doing just fine stevie uh how long you been doing stand-up uh this is my first time i just moved to austin two weeks ago Your first time ever doing stand-up. First time. Wow. How old are you? 40 years old. 40. And what made you want to start now? I wanted to start since I was 13. And I went and fucked around at 16 and had kids and more kids until I was 21. Got a divorce and ended up raising three kids by myself. How old are the kids? 18, 20, and 22. Wow, you did it. You raised three grown kids. That's amazing. No felonies. All driver's licenses.

1:19:37No felonies. All driver's licenses. Amazing. Clean records.

1:19:42Brian Redban:Amazing. So, okay, let's jump right into it, shall we? Or not jump, if you're you. How did you lose the legs, Stevie? Which story do you want to hear? Because I tell like 150 different stories. Can you tell the truth? For you, Tony, I will tell the truth because it's an honor to be here. Perfect. Okay, so I was working up in Denver. We were loading a pipe for a sign that was going up on I-70. And it just went wrong, and I was on the bad end of it, got crushed by it. Taken to the hospital. Two weeks later, they decided to cut my leg off. Damn. No.

1:20:23Wow. Thanks, Red Band.

1:20:28Brian Redban:How old were you when that happened? That was almost four years ago. Oh, okay. So that was recent. Yes. Take us through it. What are some things we'd be surprised by, fun facts about having one leg? You get to tell a lot of one leg jokes. You get a leg up on the competition. Yeah. You put your best foot forward. Yeah. You know, all that. Yeah. I mean, it's good to have one leg. Yeah. Ian Edwards. I mean, this is bad, but can you kick yourself in the head? you don't even know you don't even know he could beat himself in the head with that fucking thing oh my god wow what are the fucking odds what are the odds and he didn't tear his belly button

1:21:18absolutely incredible wow i don't know what it says about me but i was genuinely like very excited when he did that.

1:21:25Brian Redban:Yeah. Like, I don't think I've ever seen it. Did you unscrew part of it to... No, I just got to tickle my knee and then it works. Amazing. You just tickle it with this button right here. Wow. Whoa. I just got this. This is a new leg. It was I think it's about four or five weeks old. Wow. Little baby leg. Sure. I'm virgin. Where'd it come from? The store. Is there a lake store? Where do you get a new lake from? Amazon or what do we do? Evergreen prosthetics in North Carolina. Muhammad wasn't giving out leg samples at Target? No.

1:22:06All right.

1:22:10Stevie, what do you do for fun? You know, I don't know. Since I lost my leg, I haven't gone out much. What did you used to do for fun? Everything. Dirt bikes, motorcycles, boats, camping, all kinds of stuff. You could still do those things, right?

1:22:29Brian Redban:You just haven't tried? Yeah, but I got white boy money, so I don't have boats no more. What do you mean white boy money? I'm broke. Is that white boy money? I think that you mixed it up. Yeah. My bad. Okay. So, you still with the baby mama? No, absolutely not. I was married for seven years and out of that we were together too wow and then uh did uh what the divorce cost you an arm and a leg uh just a leg i was really good at negotiating amazing uh uh okay um so what's dating like um here and there uh-huh um i get around you do sometimes I'll get in my wheelchair. It goes faster. You have a wheelchair?

1:23:25No. I got rid of it before I moved here.

1:23:27Brian Redban:Right. Okay. But how long have you lived here? Thursday will be two weeks. Got it. Two weeks. So you haven't been on a date or met a girl or anything here yet? Nope. Okay. Ian? It's just funny because the blind guy feels so bad for him. Yeah, he is. D-Man is doing his scoffing thing. He's back here going, damn, that's cold. four years ago shit are there any specs on that leg like when you ordered it like can it do like you did the thing well i mean yes and no it's more of the accessories i can put below the knee versus versus uh anything else i can put the running leg on here it's just like a big spring it looks like looks like blade runner you know like but i don't run if there's a bear i guess i'll fight it.

1:24:19Brian Redban:Well, there's no bears here in Austin. Where were you at before this? Raleigh, North Carolina. Right. How's Austin different than Raleigh? Tell us about it. It's got a cleaner downtown. Yeah. I was actually surprised. I've watched the show a lot and I've seen all the comments of the homeless population down here. And I was thinking Denver, you know, like Denver's gross. You can't even walk down there. It's true. And people talk about the homeless population. It's really two or three blocks of homeless people. The food shelters. They're all cool. They just wander around in circles. There's a lot of liberals here in Austin.

1:24:55Brian Redban:I can tell you lean to the right. How does it... All right. I fucking love it. You said you've been here two weeks? Yes, sir. How long do you think it'll take you to land on your feet? I don't know. The plane's been canceled. Well, Stevie, keep... Adam, go ahead. I just want to ask. Do your kids know you do comedy? Are they supportive? Well, my youngest daughter was supposed to move out, and that's why I decided to move to Austin. And she didn't because some shit happened. But I asked her to come with me tonight, and she's like, I don't want to. So she's supportive of me being here, but she just doesn't want to be here.

1:25:35She said, Dad, I'm 18. I don't want to go hang out in a bar or watch drunk people get drunk. That makes sense. All right, I'm going to take a sip. That checks out. She's not wrong. That's a respectable answer. For my daughter, thanks.

1:25:52Brian Redban:Stevie, congratulations. I'm going to give you a big joke book, buddy. I like your style. This is amazing. Fill it up. Work it out. First time ever. You're living your dreams. Stevie, one leg wonder, has made his debut here on Kill Tony. Come back. Sign up again. Break a leg. Go do memes. What does that mean, Red Band? Yeah, they can. What do you mean? It's Big Jokers. Oh! Oh, look who it is. The very controversial Pauly Shore. Is it okay if I give you a hug, bro? I'm so sorry about that. We don't need to hug. We don't need to. We really. We don't. Okay. All right. If you insist. There he is. Pauly Shore.

1:26:40Brian Redban:Coming off a very polarizing episode of Kill Tony with Roseanne Barr. I thought we banned him. Somehow he was the wild one. I just wanted to come out here in front of your whole audience. I know my audience is different than your audience. Very different. And I just thank you for having me on your show a couple months ago or whatever it was but I was going through a lot of going through a lot of stuff and I've been taking some meds and I said that I got banned. Whoa! Look who it is! The silver goat of Kill Tony universe, Brian Holtzman is around. Now, let me finish my apologies so I can get accepted back here with the Kill Tony camp, you cocksucker.

1:27:27Please. Pauly, let Brian talk for a second. Let's hear what Holtzman has to say. I'm taking care of watching over him. I'm kind of his minder, and I'm sorry about this. I turned around, I had to use the bathroom, and he ran up here. I just want to say I lied. I lied. And I never got banned from his show. And I was just saying that because I was on meds, but I'm okay now. Okay, Pauly. So thank you. I love you guys. I apologize.

1:27:58Brian Redban:He's in good hands. His new caretaker, Brian Holtzman.

1:28:04Brian Redban:Wow. What a moment. A double character cameo by the great... How about one more time for Pauly Shore and Brian Holtzman? Brian. Brian. Brian. Why don't you do a... Do a...

1:28:29Brian Redban:Pauly, don't do anything. Just be part of the set, Pauly. No, Pauly. Pauly's gone through some rough times now with the controversy that took place. and they kind of want to, this family wants me to keep an eye on them, you know, and I hate everybody too.

1:28:53So I just got back from New Orleans and my asshole is still sore. and uh we had a good time and uh everybody's happy about that and i'm happy about that and everybody's excited about that and uh i wasn't expected to be up here so i don't have any canned anything to say but i will tell you there's a lot of retards at the airport i tell you that i mean you're in the airport can anybody get on this plane without help is there anybody that can get on the fucking plane without help? Families traveling with children that need extra time? Get on the plane you retarded family of four.

1:29:41There's no steps on the jetway. Just get on the fucking plane. Will ya? There should be a separate airline for retards and handicapped people that can't get on the fucking plane. Retard air. Paint a big wheelchair on the tail. I don't know. This plane goes down. Nobody cares.

1:30:08You mean we can get rid of this van with the workbench on the back?

1:30:16You mean we can get this boat dock off the front of the house?

1:30:24the front of the house is a skateboard park why would you put the ramp in front of the house you want to let everybody know you gotta somebody not doing well in the house

1:30:40put the ramp in the back of the house i don't want the whole fucking neighborhood to know i'm fucking somebody who can't fuck back?

1:30:50Brian Redban:Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest ever in the Kilt Sony universe. How about one more time for Pauly Shore and Brian Holtzman, everybody.

1:31:08Brian Redban:What a crazy world we have around here, where Pauly Brian Holtzman just comes stumbling in. Back to the bucket we go, everybody. Who knows, the next Pauly Shore or Brian Holtzman could be this bucket pull. Anything can happen. Make some noise. This is a minute uninterrupted for Owen Gallivan, everybody. Owen Gallivan.

1:31:32I'm a first-generation American, you guys. Both of my parents are from Ireland. but my grandma, she's from like a small island off the west coast of Ireland with like 40 people on it. Didn't really dawn on me till I visited there last summer that that just makes me inbred as fuck, you guys. Who are they having sex with? No, I should be way uglier and way dumber than I am. I can never complain about being short again. It's a miracle that I can do math. Guys, there was one pub and two last names on that island. My family tree is just a wreath. I don't even have ancestors. I just have ancestors.

1:32:27Since I've come to this realization, though, I have been blaming a lot of my flaws on being inbred. That's been fun. People tell me I talk too loud. I'm like, dude, you're lucky I'm not screaming wheels on the bus right now. That's my time. Thank you. Owen Gallivan.

1:32:43Brian Redban:This is your first time on the show, right, Owen? No, I've been on a few times. Oh, okay. When was the last time? A year ago or so? A while ago. It was that crazy rapid-fire bucket-pull episode. No interview, yeah. Oh, okay. Where we found Martin Phillips, or I mean Aaron Belisle. What was that? That was here? No, I don't know. It was here. Okay. It was bad. Perfect. Gotcha. Owen, so you had a rough set last time. Not great. Okay. Well, welcome back. Seems to be getting better for you, Owen. Congratulations. You've been working hard at this? I have, yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up?

1:33:17Brian Redban:About six years. Six years. What do you do for work? I'm an engineer. Ooh, what kind of engineer? Mechanical by degree, but right now I work as an industrial engineer. You making good money? Pretty good, yeah. You live by yourself? I do. Nice. One bedroom? Yeah, one bedroom. Hell yeah. What's in your refrigerator right now that would surprise us? Right now, I actually just went grocery shopping yesterday, so right now it's kind of full. Got a bunch of chicken broccoli alfredo I made yesterday. Ooh. Not too bad. And some lamb chops I'm thinking about making maybe tomorrow. Wow, you going to broil those?

1:33:49Brian Redban:How are you going to prepare the lamb chops? Are you going to bake the lamb chops? If I'm going to be honest, I'm going to look up on YouTube how to cook them and just do what YouTube tells me. Amazing. That's what I'm going to do. Amazing. Okay. Owen, what's your love life like? You know, it's relatively normal. I was dating a girl for a little while this year. We broke up a couple months ago. And since then, no real dates. Why'd you break up a couple months ago? I broke up with her. She was real nice, but it just wasn't, you know, it. And I figured, break it off now. When you say it wasn't it, what exactly was she missing?

1:34:23It was just a feeling thing, you know what I mean? Couldn't feel it like deep down, you know what I'm saying? Hmm. Hmm. All right. She didn't feel related to you? Yeah.

1:34:45Brian Redban:Amazing. Owen, you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us? Nothing I haven't done before on here. Last time I did a dumbass cricket noise and that got... Fogan? Let's hear the cricket noise. a red band. I mean, he's literally doing a cricket noise. So when you hit the sound effect, that's insane. A lot of pressure here. Here he goes with his cricket noise. No, I can't do it. It's too much pressure. I'm sorry. I choked. I choked. Can't do it. Tried it. Tried as hard as I could. Try it one more time. I'll try it one more time. Okay, here we go. With his cricket noise. Can't do it.

1:35:22It is. Trust me, it is good when I'm not in front of 200 people staring at me. It's all right. Okay.

1:35:27Brian Redban:All right, Owen. I see why I dismissed you very quickly last time. Yeah. All right. Okay. You're leaving with a medium, very black joke book. It's a medium black. There he goes. Owen Gallivan. We're going to keep it moving here. Some of these people, they really struggle at the interview part of the show. It's very interesting. It's tough, right? It is tough. Tougher than you think to just talk about yourself, but... For some, yeah. For some, yeah. Yeah, I'd really try to help these people. Yeah, you ask good questions. I do my best. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll. You still having fun out there?

1:36:04Brian Redban:All right. Make some noise for Sebastian Santa Maria. Sebastian Santa Maria.

1:36:15Yo, yo, how's it going, Austin? Everybody looks absolutely beautiful tonight. So, unbelievable this is happening. uh so lately i've been having some crazy urges and i mean i i guess everybody has has urges and mine have been at night you know and it's honestly been like whether i'm gonna jerk off or not and whenever i jerk off man i have terrible fucking dreams i think about you know like well i dream about you know like getting stabbed and bleeding out his treks apartment he's like stabbing me. It's absolutely horrible. And then if I don't, if I don't jerk off, it's just, you know, I have epic dreams, dude.

1:36:58I'm like smashing Fiona. It's awesome, dude. It's awesome. And I'm not talking about the skinny bitch. I'm talking about, you know, like green, hot, like swampy puss Fiona, dude. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Hell yeah. I know you like that shit, dog. So, you know, and I wake up at 3 in the morning. I'm absolutely bricked up. And what do I do? I jerk off. Terrible idea. Because guess what happens, dude? I'm back with Shrek, and he knows that I just smashed his fiancée or his wife, depending on what movie. Jesus Christ almighty.

1:37:36Brian Redban:Sebastian Santa Maria. What the fuck was that? Oh, God, man. Holy shit, Sebastian. Don't do that to me, man. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for the love of sport for the past six to eight months. I don't really have a handle or anything like that. You don't have a what? I like to do. You don't have a what? A handle. A handle. Like IG. I thought you meant a handle of the craft. Yeah, a handle of the craft. I think on that second turn of the night, dude, I'm going to have a good handle of Shrek, you know? Yeah. I always love a good... It's one of my favorite things. I think I even did it too, like starting out in comedy.

1:38:14Every new comic does it when they do a joke and it's maybe not what they thought they wanted to say or how it was supposed to go and they go, this guy knows what I'm talking about. Like you suck this guy into your Shrek swamp pussy joke and he was like, I do know. I'm sorry, I don't, but I'm saying I do because I don't want you to kill yourself. I can see West Texas when I see it, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sebastian. Yes, sir. How old are you? I'm 26.

1:38:39Brian Redban:26. Wow. What made you want to start stand-up now? Dude, why not, man? I'm in the oil field. I can't do any drugs anymore. So I figured, you know, I have to get a rush somehow. And this is kind of like gambling, getting killed, Tony. Why not, dude? Why not? Well, I mean, it's not really like gambling. You could prepare and do good at this. It's not like the house has better odds than you or anything. Everyone wants you to do good. So it's not really gambling. I mean, if you prepared and tried it out at open mics and stuff. Yeah. Okay. Do you have any other special skills? What have you been good at in your life?

1:39:19Brian Redban:You're 26. You're a good-looking guy. Thank you, sir. Thank you. All right. Answer the question. Jesus. Just fell in love after that. Guys don't get that many compliments, so I had to take a little breather. That is the one compliment anyone could give you. You do look handsome. Once you start talking, all the pussies dry up. All the hard cocks go soft. No swamp pussy in here, I can see. What other skills do I have, man? I'm an engineer. I've been doing that for a while. Jesus. These engineers cannot engineer a joke, huh? Okay. What else? Are you good at anything? You seem like you could keep a soccer ball up in the air for a while?

1:40:02Brian Redban:Something like that? Yeah, totally. I'm out of here with a beanbag suit. I'm Argentinian, so number one. What does that mean? Number one. We won the World Cup. You mean number one? Yeah, number one. Oh, you won the World Cup. I didn't win it, but Argentina. Argentina did. Ian is our senior soccer correspondent. Believe it or not, the rare black soccer fan. Okay. No, they won. When did you win? Like two years ago? 2022? Oh, 2022, our double senior soccer correspondent over there. Amazing. You said you can't do drugs anymore. What were some of the hardest and most fun drugs that you did? Fuck, dude.

1:40:45I went to Texas Tech, man. Rec and Tech. There are quite a bit of them. There are quite a bit of them. You want me to listen out? I think that's what I just asked. Yeah, I think I remember when I said, what were some of the hard drugs that you did? Fuck, dude. You're going to put me on the spot? I'm not trying to lose my job. You're okay, Sebastian. This guy knows what I'm talking about.

1:41:05Brian Redban:Sebastian, here's a little joke book. There he goes. Sebastian Santa Maria, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. So I'm going to tell you what. We're going to do something special here. This is completely unplanned. This has been one of those... This has been one of those rare Mondays where I have been in full recovery all day. We are coming off of Skankfest weekend. I flew in yesterday with Shane Gillis and Joe DeRosa, and we drank all fucking day yesterday, starting with screwdrivers on the plane. We landed, went to a fucking bar, and drank for 10 hours straight. I was sick in the middle of the night.

1:41:51Brian Redban:I got an IV drip today. Been drinking water, coffee, this, that, to repair myself. So I have to pee so badly that I'm basically sweating out of my eyes. So what I think we should do, if the crowd wants to do it, and if Adam wants to do it, why don't we do a little fucking, little Tony Hinchcliffe, and I go pee, and I'll let you call up this bucket poll. Does that sound fun to you guys? Ladies and gentlemen, hosting for me while I step out to the bathroom for a couple minutes. Make some noise for Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

1:42:35Yippee! Oh my God. One more time. Thanks. We're really doing it, Red Band.

1:42:47Oh my God. Who's having the best fucking night of their lives right now by the way. Unbelievable.

1:43:00Don't play that monkey noise anymore, Red Band. Your next bucket pull? I don't believe he's been on this show before. But he goes, he has a name, and I'm going to read it right now. Here on Kill Tony. Oh. He goes by the name of Fuck.

1:43:27Brandon Roris. Keep it going for Brandon Roris, the Kill Tony debut. Here he is, everybody.

1:43:39Disney adult, am I right? Ew. My kids dressed me. I have an excuse. Okay, guys, chill. Just celebrated 15 years of marriage. It's the same energy I gave that last 15 years. Thanks, guys.

1:44:19We've been trying this new thing. my wife's love language is quality time where you're like trapped in a room trying to escape an argument in the car that's right yeah just one argument away from winning

1:44:41keep going I want to hear where this goes

1:44:56Brian Redban:We'll be right back.

1:45:01Oh. My. God. We're good. Hello, how are you? Hi. What's going on? You want to... You want to...

1:45:13Brian Redban:He was going to finish the rest of his joke. Oh, you're still... You're still doing it? This thing called Momentum, it's gone now. We're good. Go ahead, finish it. Finish it. Yeah, come on. Come on. Finish it. Come on. Come on. Let's hear it. Finish it. Come on. Finish it. Pretend it's a plate of pancakes. Finish it. Finish it. Finish it.

1:45:35I'm more of a French toast guy, but I'll still do it.

1:45:43There we go. That was it. Okay. Sorry. Look at that ash. Oh. I'm more of a blunt guy these days. Want to take your seat back? Yeah, let's swap.

1:45:56Brian Redban:I swear it's the last time I'm doing Dr. Phil. Don't miss it. December 18th. I love you. December 16th. December 16th. Wilton Theater, Los Angeles. Oh, I love being back to me. Okay, how did that go? I'll tell you. I was just out back peeing. Didn't hear a lot. I felt like they were laughing at me, not with me right now, but no, it was good. Were you once the catcher in the movie The Sandlot? Now you're all grown up. This is how you ended up? I've been in a little bit of weight loss journey. I've gained 30 pounds. It's not going good. This is Brandon, right? Yes, sir. Brandon, you've been on the show once before.

1:46:45Brian Redban:Yeah. And you cried. You got a little emotional last time. Yeah, I lost it like a little girl. No, it's fine. It's good. You showed your true feelings. Yeah, I'm holding it together right now today. Yeah. How has life changed since you were on Kill Tony?

1:47:02Brian Redban:Go ahead, Brandon. Answer the question, Brandon. I don't want to be known as the crying guy, but it's been great. I'm a huge fan of the show. Love the community. Been hitting mics and other shows and trying to get better at the craft. You say you've been hitting mics. Are we talking about Jersey Mike's or?

1:47:25I'm not. Yeah, maybe.

1:47:28Brian Redban:What else has been going on in life, Brandon? I've been doing VR comedy. So, like, I actually won$1 ,000 contests and got paid to do comedy in VR. You won$1 ,000 doing VR comedy? Yeah. Wow. Redman is our senior VR correspondent. Yes. cool. Okay. There you go. The key word being V there. In actual reality, not much going on, but in virtual reality, you guys are living your dreams. Just trying to. Yeah, it's been fun. I've been away from me because my family can't get out to Mike's as much. So I've been trying to hone the craft, write more jokes. There's like real people in the thing. Most of them are furries, but you know.

1:48:15Work with you work with.

1:48:18Brian Redban:What's your avatar? Spider-Man from the Spider-Verse in the pink robe. I'm going to kill everybody in this room. I'm sorry. This is unbelievable. This is what fat guys do, by the way. They go to VR and like, I'm Spider-Man now. I can jump around in virtual world. Look at me. I can run in virtual reality. If I just press down this toggle button, I can do what I can do now. Oh, watch. I'm going to kick myself in the head. Pain-free kick in the head. Thanks for showing the last one. That was good. Whatever. What am I missing here? What would you ask Brandon if you saw his set? Yeah, I missed the first couple jokes.

1:49:06Is there like a joke that you didn't do, I guess, that you feel like maybe you... Because I know sometimes you get nervous when you come out of here, right? You might forgot something you wanted to do.

1:49:19I was planning on going into another joke from there, but then the last, well, didn't lose a moment. It just felt like the room was laughing, so I just kind of soaked in that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw you kind of like just kind of milking them up. Can we hear one more joke or, yeah?

1:49:32Brian Redban:Yeah. Let's hear one more joke from Brandon Ferris. I've been wanting to start this new thing called Only Dads. It's wholesome. You hear me out? It's where I say things to you like, hey, Tony, I'm proud of you. Or Red Band. We probably shouldn't do that. and then just like your real dad when your subscription expires i leave bye all right brandon got a reaction that must kill in virtual reality all right what does he get little or big what'd you end up with last time i got a big one because i cried but my daughter wants me to get a little one here guess what she wants there you go daughter gets i've been what daughter wants there goes brandon ferris everybody i've a oh my daughter's been doing comedy, would you be open to giving her a minute?

1:50:21Brian Redban:What are you talking about? How old's your daughter? She's eight and the other one's eleven. No, we can't. We're not allowed to have people not at this venue because it serves so much alcohol. Secret show, Red Band? Whoa, Red Band. Yeah. Red Band wants to know how big her tits are before he books her.

1:50:43Brian Redban:Is it still flat or is there a little something there? She might get the spot. What's your avatar? Huge. She's got huge knockers. There you go. There he goes. Brandon Ferris. I was just kidding. We don't really want to know what your daughter's tits are like. There goes Brandon, everybody. Final bucket pull of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Kendall Jr., everybody. Here we go. Kendall Jr.

1:51:16So I got a violent hand job from an Indian lady named Shiva.

1:51:24Many hands.

1:51:30So I love watching nude movie scenes with my parents. Something too crazy, just something where the dude might perhaps have his cock out. But it's mainly for my mom's reaction, though, because she'll be looking at my dad like, honey, is that real? My dad's like, don't worry, baby. He just fluffed that shit up. It's what they do. My dad has a small penis. Apparently. Which means I got mine from my mom.

1:52:17I've been thinking about if they made a gay porn parody of Men in Black, but they just called it Men in Black. Men. All right, thank you.

1:52:29Brian Redban:There you go, Kendall Jr. Wow. T-Madness with the bass riff that says it all. uh kendall how long have you been doing stand-up comedy this is a million dollar question here one year one year okay yeah last october yeah okay you work hard at it do you do it like a few times a week yeah yeah like every week like two to four how many times have you signed up for this show five this is my fifth time and then your first time on the show correct yes yes okay What do you do for work? I'm disabled. I don't. What's disabled about you? I had, like, bad back surgeries, like, since I was 18. Why? What was wrong with your back?

1:53:15I had kyphosis and scoliosis, so I had to do the spinal fusion, like, top to bottom type of thing.

1:53:21Brian Redban:It kind of, yeah, it's a little, it's a lot. Okay. But you're on disability. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, it gives me a unique opportunity to kind of dive into. I had a lot to talk about. What do you mean? Oh, like in comedy, I feel like there's a lot of material. I used to be like a fat heroin addict because of it. Not because of it, but the heroin was sort of from the... So there's a lot of material. Sure. How did you stumble into heroin? how did well it was uh well like prescriptions over prescribing and it feels really good and then you're like well i have a bad back i could just kind of you know but no it uh so it started as a pain pill addiction yeah pain pill addiction you kind of and then it got out of control it got out of control and then someone's like hey this is like 25th yeah yeah try this yeah who recommended heroin to you uh a buddy of mine who's a good friend uh he's dead now how did he die uh no i think he's his soul died long ago he's this guy knows what i'm talking about sorry all right no he's still out there i don't know man a couple people have died yeah but you know neither here nor there i got out i'm seven years clean good for you yeah wow That felt better than heroin.

1:54:45Brian Redban:I'll say that. Wow. When the doctor put you out for your back surgery, was he like, you'll be right back? Pointing to your back. That's so easy, is it? Pointing to the back. You'll be right back. See what I'm trying to? All right, it's not easy. It's not easy doing back jokes. You'll be right back. Well, I kind of was. Like four hours later, I had to do emergency surgery, So he was like, yeah, you'll be right back. Your arms are big. Is that from because you used to be fat? It looks like you have like. A little bit of both. I have like exercise, you know, diet and exercise take you long. You're like built like Popeye or something like that.

1:55:25Brian Redban:You have an interesting build. You have like a. Thank you. Small head for your big frame. Yeah, yeah. It's yeah. Okay. We're working on it slowly. It used to be rounder. You know, they had to like roll me around. Where are you from? I'm getting like a West Virginia, Virginia vibe somewhere around there. Houston. Oh, yeah, the West Virginia of Texas. Perfect. That's funny. That's good. Okay. So disability all the way. You don't make money anyway? You don't have a gambling problem? No, I try to stay away from it. This is only adrenaline type of, you know, wise-ish. How old are you? 34. What's your love life like?

1:56:01I have a girlfriend. She's kind. She's really, yeah, it's awesome.

1:56:05Brian Redban:Oh, she's kind? Yeah. Wow. Interesting. Nothing gets me quite as excited as kindness. Yeah, no, no, she's, yeah, yeah. I have a, yeah. On a scale of one to ten, how kind is she? Great question, Ian. Spinal tap. Spinal tap. It goes to 11. You know, it goes. All right, so what's the scale? Oh, she used to be heavy. She used to be heavier. But no, she's like. Did you guys, did you guys lose weight together? No, no, no, no. I met her a few months back. Are you on heroin now? No, no. How heavy were you at one point? I was almost 360. I say 355. Wow. I know. I say three, because it's like, you know, I'm on my fat week.

1:56:53I'm a little fluffy this week. I got you. So you were 360. What was she at one point? She was, I think, like 260. She's well under that now. But I didn't meet her then, so I would have been. no i wow no i know what it takes i know what it takes to get out of the gutter do you guys

1:57:14Brian Redban:sometimes get your loose skin tangled up with each other's and hers is uh no no it's no it's good i'm just kidding all right uh kendall before i let you go craziest thing about you or your life uh craziest thing uh i want shit myself walking into an heb while trying to drop off prescriptions for opiates and then it's i had to continue dropping it off and like it was just yeah i had boots on though and jeans so it's now was the now was it because you knew you were about to get the opiates like you get excited to the doctor already oh no it was like it was a hard opiate it was opana i suggest they've stopped it it was stronger than heroin so like it led me to kind of like i was like oh heroin this is it so like relaxed your sphincter and that's why you You could say that.

1:58:02Brian Redban:You could say that. Well, I mean, I could say that. I did say that, but I'm asking you. You did say that. Was it because of the prescription? It's the withdrawals. You know, the withdrawals just, like, make everything fucking. It was, like, diarrhea plus you're probably relaxed, yeah? Yeah. But then you're, like, uptight, so it's, like, you know. Wow. Sounds like a Red Band bit on a Thursday night at the secret show. Diarrhea mixed with. All right. What was the, can I just one thing? Like, heroin is, like, when you do it, it's not like weed where you're like, let's play fucking Xbox. Like, you do heroin, and, like, what's the go-to activity?

1:58:35I've cleaned before. You know, it's, like, one of those things where it's, like, after a while, it gives you energy. It makes you normal. But at first, you're just, like, I want to, like, put on a film or something. What film? Goody's 2? No, I used to like putting on Rushmore, like, Bottle Rocket or something stupid. You'd look like me if I started doing heroin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. don't well don't tell me how to live my life well Kendall you did it

1:59:05Brian Redban:here's a little joke book there he goes Kendall Jr. ladies and gentlemen well what an episode it's been who can forget Martin Phillips' amazing opening and then a lot of fat military people and then the darkest man in the history of the show Mohamed Yuall Derek Flynn Stevie One Leg Wonder There's so much happened. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with the Hall of Famer with the record for most appearances ever on this show. Most interviews ever on this show. The reigning, defending, super regular of Kill Tony. Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Prince of Pancakes, the Big Red Machine.

1:59:53Brian Redban:This is William Montgomery.

2:00:04Hey, Redman, I'm still thinking about your fat ass kicking your leg up, bitch!

2:00:13Just in case anybody was wondering, I still haven't heard back from medical school yet.

2:00:21So I'm coming out with the Smokey and the Bandit remake, but the truckers are all wearing turbans and sideswiping minivans and gutting illegal U-turns going 75 miles an hour.

2:00:35Hey, Redban, I saw that you got a colonoscopy recently. I'm wondering, did it hurt when they put the tube in your nose?

2:00:48What if instead of planet Earth, we watch planet Jupiter? Dude, that would have been such a long show. Okay, that's my tie. Thank you.

2:01:01Brian Redban:Wow. William Montgomery gracing us with not one but two Red Band jokes. Dude, tonight I couldn't believe his fucking crazy ass. I can't believe you were able to do that, Red Band. Kick your fucking head. Well, he wasn't. Yeah. He tore his belly button at one point. What? Can you imagine that? Can you imagine what Red Band's belly button must look like? What do you think that looks like, William? I think it probably has a bunch of purpley veins in the inside. Once you get through the hair on the inside, because I've seen his ass naked many times. I believe Bubba Fett fell into it in episode three of Star Wars in Return of the Jedi.

2:01:43Brian Redban:What is that, the Snarlack? What is it, the Sarlacc pit. Sarlacc. That's what many people describe his belly button like, which is now torn. William, let's talk about it. You are two weeks out of being super viral now. the world is talking about it. I basically think it's a fucking, a lot of people, and it was heavily talked about at Skank Fest. You were talked about. What did people say? Everybody there, every comedian there thinks it is the funniest thing they've ever seen in their entire lives. They think that's the way to enjoy William Montgomery. People are saying, the comedians are like, that's a brilliant special, is do your stuff in front of a hip alt, you know, audience that's literally there to see something else.

2:02:36Brian Redban:I heard it compared to somebody there said that it was like, oh, God, what was it? It was like if Tool opened up for pink. Somebody said something like that. And it makes perfect sense. because you just are totally different. You're a different type of thing. It was the right thing. Yeah, at the beginning, Tony, it was kind of hurting my feelings, but I've been good. I don't really look at anything because it doesn't really matter, but I start thinking about it, Tony. I'm thinking, well, what is the problem? So what? If I do comedy, I'm not allowed to bomb? People just never bomb? I just, that's all I didn't understand.

2:03:21And then that confused me just because, I don't know, it doesn't matter. You didn't bomb, William. That audience bomb. You didn't bomb, William. God! Red Band, seriously, you're the last person I want to hear anything nice from, you dumbass. Seriously. You're the last fucking idiot I want to hear anything from right now. I'm not feeling real great right now. Just generally speaking, so I don't really want to hear you right now. Seriously. Seriously. Kind of been feeling down today, so seriously, I don't want to hear you again. Thank you. Thank you, though. Thank you. He's very grateful. I think you mean well.

2:03:58I think you mean well. Wow.

2:04:01Brian Redban:I love it. But, yeah, Tony, I ended up doing a show in Jackson, Mississippi, on Thursday. And thank God it felt good. So I was able to get the other set out of my head. And then I ended up going to the Grove to Oxford on Saturday. Ole Miss was playing Florida. And I was wearing Florida stuff. And, Tony, I walked down this thing called the Walk of Champions. and I felt like I was back at the show where everybody was booing me so bad. It was horrible. I guess all the fraternity people are lining up on each side of the fence and they're all screaming and they were all screaming at me. They were saying, oh, you spent money on those clothes?

2:04:38They kept on saying stuff like that. They were talking about my mom. Yeah, spending money on the clothes, that hurt me for some reason. They were just screaming at me and then this one guy recognized me and we shake hands in the midst of all of this chaos And then the guy next to him, he also goes out to shake my hand, and then he pulls his hand up, and they all laugh real loud. I'm thinking, okay, I just got to keep moving forward through this fucking horrible situation. I felt literally like a Jewish person going to say it, say it, say it. But no, I mean, that's really what I was thinking. Like, he's like the one buddy I see in the crowd, and he's like helping me kind of, but then he can't because everybody else hates me.

2:05:18Wow. Wow. This guy knows what I'm talking about right now. Fuck them, dude. First of all, I saw that clip. It made me so happy because I adore you. And you were so... You stayed in the pocket. You stayed you. You committed. You powered through. And yeah, you don't get better when you crush all the time. But you know, just fucking that audience didn't pick up on it. It's their fault. Yeah, fuck them. I don't give a shit. You know how many people you bring joy to all the time? Yeah, I don't give a shit!

2:05:47Brian Redban:Oh. You hurt. You hurt yourself? No. Oh. So what else you've been doing this week? You wrote a new Smokey and the Bandit joke in between two Red Band jokes? Yes, did that, wrote that. Where do you, what makes you write a Smokey and the Bandit joke? I watched Smokey and the Bandit this past week down in Mississippi. Oh. And I was, and then, yeah, and then I'm thinking, okay, let's make it, let's, for the people, let's think turbans, just turbans, Just saying people with turbans I think is funny. And I was like, okay, what's something dangerous you do in a car? Okay, sideswiping people, 75 miles an hour, stuff like that.

2:06:32That's the process. Yeah, yeah. Just smoking a bunch of weed.

2:06:35Brian Redban:Is there anything that you like to snack on when you're writing? Snack on or drink perhaps? Well, I haven't been able to do the row machine in three weeks now, Tony. I think that's why today I was feeling a little down. And Red Band, don't shake your head yes at that. Seriously, don't even look at me right now. Seriously, don't even look at me right now. I've been feeling down today. I'm not even kidding. Don't look at me right now. But, yeah, I haven't been able to do the row machine in three weeks, so I've got to get back on that. Oh, he's eating his glasses right now. He's got edible, oh, Jesus, Red Band.

2:07:05Brian Redban:Okay. It's kind of like my dick and his mom's mouth the other night. This kind of slaps. Yes, he's so old, so he's just going to slop it around out of their fucking... Wow. What else does his mom do when you're with her? I'm kidding. That was mean. Oh, okay. All right. Rebe is going to go to me crying after this. That's all I'm... Like a little bitch. That's why I thought I'd get off on him on that one. He's going to cry about that one after this. You think so? William, you're so funny. Yeah. Oh, my God. I love it. I just love it. Do you have any other big crazy gigs planned? You perhaps opening up for a church choir at some point in the near future?

2:07:53Brian Redban:Anything like that? Any big paydays coming up? You opening up for perhaps at the school for the deaf or something? Oklahoma City. I'll be in Oklahoma City in Tulsa, Oklahoma in middle of December. Then I get to figure out stuff for next year and there's stuff going on there. right now. I got a bunch of just different stuff going on. What kind of stuff is going on? That's why I'm stressed today. What are you stressed? I'm not talking about it right now. Oh boy, really? Yeah, yeah. No way. Wow. No way. No way. There's no, just no way. Yeah, kind of big things going on. You have great ducks on your shirt.

2:08:34Thank you so much. This is eBay. Where do you get a shirt like that? This is eBay. eBay. Yeah, eBay.

2:08:37Brian Redban:You get a lot of stuff off eBay? Yeah, recently I've been getting a bunch of Oriental rocks off eBay! Wow. What else have you been getting off eBay? Mainly just Oriental rugs, Tony! Wow. How many Oriental rugs have you gotten? 15. Wow. What are you doing with all these rugs? Yeah, I'm going through it right now, Tony. I'm real sad, so I've just been getting fucking Oriental rugs off of fucking eBay. Like, really cool-looking ones. Like, they look very cool. Like, I'm proud of them. I feel good about them. But every now and again, they'll smell. I fucking open them up out of the package and they fucking smell like mildew or something and I just think, God, I'm going to jump off of the building tonight.

2:09:19Wow.

2:09:20Brian Redban:This is a sign. Wow. And explain to the audience what the difference between a regular rug and an oriental rug is. Do they come... Do they perhaps come with a little seasoning packet in the box or something? Like the ramen noodles do? What's the difference between a regular rug and an oriental rug?

2:09:49Brian Redban:You're the master of it. You bought 15 of them, according to you. So it should be a pretty easy question. Is it the design? Do they come with... Tony, that's a great question. I don't know. I don't know. Wow. Just a look thing. It's a touch thing. I get them shipped to my door. Oh, and by the way, just recently, this is a little thing I want to get off my chest. Whoever the piece of shit who's working at FedEx who refuses to walk up my steps, you have to walk up to get to my fucking apartment. You're a dumbass. Literally today, I was getting something delivered to the apartment, and the person just takes a picture from the outside.

2:10:28Somebody fucking with me. That's what I, I'm getting real paranoid, Tony. I'm thinking, oh, they see my name on here. They heard about the horrible sud. Oh, they refuse to take my packages up to my place. I swear to God, that's where I'm at right now. Have you thought about getting another escalator? No. No. No. Why? People get on fights on them. Oh, they do? Yeah. That's a thing? Yes. Adam Ray. You said you have 15 Oriental rugs. Yes, but I'm figuring it out. I don't think I'm going to ultimately end up with 15. Do they pad-tie the room together, or does it? Okay. All right. Not everything's going to crush tonight.

2:11:09Did you buy them for a specific reason, or was it just out of boredom? Like a boredom purchase? Oh, it's just some, it's a hardwood, I'm working with hardwood floors. Gotcha. And I have to, I'm getting rugs. Yeah, it's been fun. I spend hours just looking at the pictures and reading different stuff. And then I look back at the pictures and then I look at the dimensions and then I go measure stuff for three hours. And then it seems very inefficient, but it's kind of fun. Wow.

2:11:39Brian Redban:Amazing, William. Is there anything else you want to say to these people? Yeah, it's been real weird recently, Tony. It's a lot of measuring I'm not even getting. What are you measuring? Do you have a tape measure? Yes. And you use that? A little one. You have a little tiny one. Yeah, it's a little small one. So I have to make little marks on the floor when I'm doing like 15 feet. I have to make like 15 different marks. It's like a foot long. Wow. Isn't that stupid kind of? Yeah, that's crazy. So are you like making a carpet out of all the rugs? Yeah, making one big carpet and I'm just putting them all on top of it.

2:12:15each other. You'll love it. Tony, you'll come see it.

2:12:18Brian Redban:I can't wait to see your compilation of Oriental rugs. Is there anything else you're passionate about this week? Are rugs okay with being called Oriental? Is that cool? Yeah. Yeah, that's what they are, Oriental rugs. Yeah. Just checking.

2:12:39I don't know. Now I'm thinking maybe some of the people at that show a couple weeks ago, they would hear me say Oriental rugs and they wouldn't even like that. It's like I'd be nothing by it. And it's all going to be, oh, we sing Oriental.

2:12:56I think you're right. I don't know what my mom sees in him. Like, really. I just don't understand. I ask her all the time. I'm like, mom, what do you think? Thank you, Tony.

2:13:09Brian Redban:Make some notes for the great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. We did it. That's another episode. thank you to Blue Chew and Quo. Adam Ray's new theater tour, Who Is Me? is happening. Tickets are on sale at AdamRayComedy.com. The final Dr. Phil live from the one and only what is it? Wiltern Theater, that's right. December 16th. That's the final Dr. Phil show. I mean, it is an absolute blowout. I would be able to make it there, but it's on a fucking Monday. On a Tuesday. but I have the Monday thing. It's crazy. Ian Edwards' new special, Untitled, is out now. Check out Ian Edwards' stand-up on YouTube.

2:13:53Brian Redban:That's Ian Edwards' stand-up. One more time for the best stand band in the land, Red Band. Check out Sunset Strip ATX.com secret show every Thursday. We love you guys. Your last chance to get tickets for the one and only Moody Center, New Year's Eve. All you people that say I try to get tickets. It's your only chance. New Year's Eve, live from the Moody Center. It's going to be a hell of a blowout. Way to end 2025. Live audience, thank you so much. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night everybody.

2:15:10The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:15:52Thank you.