#747 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + NICK ROCHEFORT

20:02i know what you guys are thinking my hair says california but my voice says i'd a cousin being from the south is challenging usually doesn't take people long to accuse me being some type of no good messed up wife-beaten racist toothless trump supporter but that's not true see in alabama you can only be three of those things because once you're four we ship your ass to florida to become a legal resident of that state you got a fucking alligator

20:45they're gonna try to tell you it tastes like chicken but i promise you this does not fuck like one

20:58the other day my friend said i reminded him of a young ron white supremacist

21:06Brian Redban:all right i'll leave it there there you go offender getting actual laughs this time believe it or not offender's been on this show before and at one point he was doing as bad as the last comedian that was on. I swear to God. Believe it or not, an incredible amount of growth shown this set, Offender. Oh, look at Matt Muelling. He likes growth, everybody. I am a grower. So, Offender, how long have you... A pot grower, guys. A pot grower. I'm a pot grower. You're a pot grower. Yeah. That's what you do for a living? Yeah. Okay. Where do you grow it? Oregon. Oregon. Yeah. Williams, Oregon, do you want the exact, like...

21:49Yes.

21:50Brian Redban:No. Yeah, yeah. No. No offender, no. And the business is going good for you? I just, you know, I was living on my short bus for nine months, chasing the streaming comedy. Uh-huh. I left for three months. I just paid for an apartment for six months up front. Okay. Look at you. I'm not homeless no more. I am not homeless no more. Incredible. I got a bathroom! Wow. Wow. Six months worth of bathroom. How are you planning? Have you decorated this apartment at all or are you treating it like it's still a bus? No, no, I decorate it. So I got a medicine cabinet. Okay. A medicine cabinet? Yes. Okay. Yes.

22:34Really cool. I've never had a medicine cabinet before.

22:36Brian Redban:Yes. Somewhere to put all of your medicine. All of my medicine. I got my rolling papers in there, my grinder. Above it, I got the cologne and the eye drops, which I forgot to bring right now. Sorry about that. That's not decorating, though. That just, like, that comes with the apartment. Is your walls just, like, you spread poop? I got a medicine cabinet. I've done a lot of decorating. Yeah. Can I ask you something, bro? Yes, sir. This is just a reaction thing. It's almost like a test when they hit your knee at the doctor's office. It's a reflex thing. Okay. I'm gonna say something I just wanna...

23:11Thanks for crouching, I can still see you.

23:21Brian Redban:Go ahead, Harlan. I'm sorry about that crouching tiger. Like a giant crawdad went by in the mud. This is just like a reflex thing. I'm gonna say it, I just wanna see how you react. All right, guy? I can't believe it's not butter. All right. He was my stepdad, so that makes sense. Okay, a little Fabio reference straight out of 1994 for you back when... I'll never forget I was in my bedroom playing with a lasagna and...

23:55Brian Redban:Offender, tell us more about this new apartment. This is a big deal for you. Fuck yeah, dude. I was living amongst these homeless, these savages, dude. They take shits in the street. You got to be respectable. You got to put it in a bag, and then you got to find a trash can far, far away from the mothership. Okay. I've always wanted to ask this question. I'm not trying to be a wise guy, but when a homeless dude or woman cracks a loaf in the street... Okay. Like, when they drop a Cracker Barrel Thunder Loaf or an Olive Garden Chicken Souffle, whatever you want to call it, what do you wipe with?

24:35Brian Redban:it's a great question what do they wipe with you were out there you had a first-hand account i'm pretty sure shockingly nothing they don't wash their hands either so they're just walking around with the leftover in their crack yeah a little wow dude i wasn't ready for that answer a little souffle for later did you ever like bend down you were desperate Maybe you had a hot date with another homeless chick the other night, and you bent down backwards and wiped your crack with your golden fleecy hair. That's a great question. Great question. Offender, are you making money anyway while you're here in Austin, Texas?

25:17Brian Redban:Yes, sir. How are you doing that? Comedy. You're making money. You're doing paid gigs? I do paid gigs. I bark, whatever, however I can help any show or anybody that has an opportunity for me. I extend my offer and say, hey, I'm willing to do this. I live here for this. I mean. How often do you bark? More or less than the last comedian's dog? Not a real question. Offender, what's your love life like? You're a handsome man. Thank you. How does that work out for you now that you have your own apartment? Is that something that you're doing? You know, it's something that every man probably is thinking about.

25:52But me personally, I don't have time for it, man.

25:56Brian Redban:You don't have time for the ladies. No. No. Well, you got yourself. Look at you. What is the tattoo right here on the arm? I'm glad I asked. Okay. I don't know if you guys can see it. Can you describe it with words? Yes. All right. So it's got a wood handle, a metal shaft. Some would call it a shank, but it's not. Okay. It's an old-school can opener. Nice. In case I have to open a can of whoop-ass on somebody. You know what I mean? I was more talking about the Predator CIA coating you have on your wrist right here. What the hell is that? Yeah, what's that? That's frightening. Okay, so I have this right here is Uzeti.

26:35Uh-huh. And then this is Dottie. That's Croatian for give and take because life is all about the give and take. Wild. Okay. All right. Did you ever meet a homeless woman with a tattoo of a can of beans on her leg? Yeah. Celia Contreras, dude. I did just... You guys were at Skank Fest. I was actually working there, which was a fucking great time. I actually fought in the Skank Fights.

27:02Brian Redban:Okay. How did that go? 25-second submission. Armbar, the fastest submission of the weekend. You won? Fuck yeah. Oh, my God. You hit the fucking... You hit the can opener on somebody. Hell, yeah, I did. Good thing I have it. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Triple HIV. Yeah.

27:24Yeah, I got to ask, though. I got to follow up. You're in the street, right? I was, yes, sir. Well, you still are. Yes, sir. And it's a tough world out there, right? We've all watched Animal Planet, right? Okay, yeah. Ever since you do have some mad skills in the ring, you ever get into any tussles out on the mean streets, my guy? Yeah, so I'm actually, like, notoriously known for breaking up fights down here, trying to protect people from harming themselves even further. Oh, wow. One night, a guy did aggress me, and I had to, you know, take care of myself. You jerked off on him? Fuck, yeah, I did.

28:06Yeah, they pulled out a stretcher and everything. No, but I did have to wrap up a guy, but I tried to do it in a respectful way that doesn't harm anybody. The worst thing is, in today's, especially on the street, it's pretty violent. People need to be aware. Did he put hands on you? Did you take any shots, my guy? Dip and then hip toss and put them in a triangle. Choked them until the cops showed up. Sounds like you broke into a square dance from what you just showed me. What the? Well, let's not act that out.

28:36Brian Redban:Okay. Offender, congratulations. You've never gotten a big joke book on this show before, correct? Have you? I have. The very first one. Well, then there you go. Hey, it got filled up. Are you just saying that? Are you going to sell this on the streets to somebody? All right, there you go. Offender, ladies and gentlemen. There we go. Two return bucket pulls to start the show. This looks like a new name. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. We're going to find out. But let's hear it for Emo Majok, ladies and gentlemen. Emo Majok. Here we go.

29:32I'm from South Sudan, but I live out in Australia. I love the diversity you got here in America, because there's no black people in Australia. There's literally me and my cousin Chad. So I'm out in L.A. right now, and I love doing the comedy in L.A. I do the black rooms over there. The black rooms are kind of like this, but with black people. And I love performing with African-Americans, you know? Because as an African, we see African-Americans as our cousins. Like an African-American is technically an African that got caught.

30:14And every four years at the Olympics, they remind the world that you will never catch them again.

30:28Brian Redban:Emo Majok, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. What up, Tony? Great set, Emo. Welcome. This is your first time on the show. My first time out here, yeah. I've tried a couple times, but this is my first time out here. Hell yeah. And how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing startup for about seven years now. Seven years. And all of it in South Sudan? How much in America? No, no, no, no. Now, out in Australia. I'm from Perth, Western Australia. I've been doing it out there, but I'm mainly in Melbourne. I'm all around Australia. All around Australia. Australia, yeah. Look at you. Amazing. He wrote a shipping container to get there.

31:01How did you end up in Perth? We got sponsored as refugees. So we got taken to Australia. How old were you when that happened? Like a reverse slavery I was eight years old I was eight years old

31:17Brian Redban:Amazing Can I give him a compliment? Yeah, give him a compliment Can I give you a wonderful compliment, my friend? Yeah, absolutely, man We all have different gradients and shades of skin Black people, white people, Asian people You want to touch it? Is that what you're trying to say? I think I would, yeah You have, like, dark skin, but it's a beautified... I just love the tone and the shade of your skin. Thank you, man. When white people show that much interest in black people, I get nervous.

31:53What's your address?

31:59Brian Redban:Amazing. Emo. Yeah? When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark. Ah. And now here I am. How about now? Meeting you. So I have to ask you, what scares you? What scares me? Yeah. White people. That makes sense. White people and cops. That makes perfect sense. What's your address? What's my... Exactly what I'm talking about. Emo, what else are you into? Do you have any special skills or hobbies or talents? I love standout, man. I love traveling. I travel a lot. I try to expose myself to as much cultures as possible. Yeah. What have you learned from these different cultures? What are some of your favorite cultures?

32:41What have I learned? That we are one race.

32:44Brian Redban:Hold on. Wait. What? One race. One human race. One race. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So you're a marathon guy. But where are your favorite places that you've traveled? My favorite places? I've been out to Asia. But I love being out here in America. You do make me a little bit nervous with your guns and shit. But, yeah, America's cool. Every different state has got their own little different rules and different cultures and stuff, so I really like it. You say that Texas' guns make you nervous. Have you ever shot a gun? Yeah, I shot guns. Yeah, come on, I'm from Africa. Okay. All right. I love it. You shot guns in Africa?

33:27I shot guns in Australia and, yeah, in Africa, yeah.

33:31Brian Redban:Okay. What were you shooting in Africa? Is that at a range? Just cans. What? Cans. Cans. Container ship captains. That's who he shot. You ever shoot a slingshot or throw a rock? Yeah, I made a slingshot when I was a kid. Okay, well, go to Canada. You can do it some more. I just came from Canada. I had my first Canadian winter just recently. You had your first what? My first Canadian winter. Oh, my God. Yeah. How did it feel? Cold. Cold. It felt cold. that's the right answer I was out in Saskatchewan which is nobody knows where the fuck that is yeah we know where that is yeah of course yeah you know you're a Canadian an old comedian Gary David a Canadian comedian he used to do this joke he'd say Saskatchewan is so flat it's the only place in the world you can sit on your front porch and watch your dog run away for three weeks and he wasn't very good you can tell do you want to touch it

34:43how about now

34:49I got a lasagna in the oven don't fuck with me

34:53Brian Redban:emo you're a world traveler you are a specific shade as mentioned earlier. What's the most racist thing anybody's ever done to you? You seem like such a nice, sweet guy. And it's interesting how people judge a book by its cover. Yeah, I'm from Australia. That place is racist as fuck. But that is my kind of speed, though. Better the racist you know than the racist you don't. Yes. In fact, someone touched me and tried to rub it off. That was a little insulting in Asia. Fuck you, Bali. An Asian in Bali asked if you could rub any of that off? No, no, no. They tried? They tried to rub it off, yeah.

35:37Holy shit. Did they use, like, Lemon Pledge or anything?

35:47I think she just trusted her own hands and was unsuccessful.

35:51Brian Redban:Have you had any jobs other than being a comedian? Yeah, I had a ton of jobs. I worked in call centers. I worked in... What? What was the first one? Coal centers. Oh, I thought you said coal centers, and I was wondering if you were the coal for a second.

36:13Brian Redban:He said he likes racism, ladies and gentlemen. He feels at home. My kind of speed, yeah. I worked in warehousing, but stand-up was definitely my favorite job. Yeah. How about your love life? You seem like a handsome, handsome man, I'm sure. I've got a partner. You have a partner? Yeah, I got a partner. Fiancee, we just got engaged. It's a... Where did you meet this partner at? She's Canadian. I met her at a festival in Australia back in 2018. Nice. Is she a girl? Yeah, by my studies, yeah. When someone says partner, I don't know if it's a girl or... No, she's a girl, she's a girl, yeah. She's a girl.

36:53She's a woman, not a girl.

36:54Brian Redban:She's a woman, yeah. Right. Canadian woman, white? No, she's Indian background. Oh. Brown girl. Wow. Okay, Indian background. That's out to Aliyah. You met her at the call center, I'm guessing?

37:12I met her at a festival in Melbourne. Is there any water right now? Yeah, yeah. Why don't you just call for some? Oh, yes. Yes, let's get it.

37:23Brian Redban:Absolutely. You have cotton mouth? I don't even have to do the rest of that joke. I don't even have to do it. You can't even make it up, ladies and gentlemen. First person asked for water in years. Just so happens to be one of the darkest human beings I've ever seen in my entire life.

37:51Just for fun at the call center I'm just curious You ever just do a Like a Tarzan call Well Tarzan was not black

38:03Brian Redban:That's true That's true Harlan's been watching the Disney remake of Tarzan On Netflix

38:16Brian Redban:Only on Netflix. Just bunch this up in one fucking pile. It's too late now, Red Band. Red Band just has his fingers hovering over the Lion King setup that he has right now. Nothing. Okay, it's a Tracy Chapman reference. Has anybody ever... Grace Jones, yeah. This is amazing. You have to understand, Emo. We're very excited to have someone like you here. It's our first time interviewing the curtains, so it's very exciting. It's very exciting for us. Technically, you've been on every episode of the show. Probably sponsored by me. That's right. Tony, he's the captain now. Absolutely. Oh, my goodness.

39:03Brian Redban:He gets serious quick. I love it. Emo, what do you think? Because you are indeed dark. We've covered this. But I have to ask, what do you think is the whitest thing about you? If there's something about you that you do, maybe you... My teeth. Oh, okay. That's a good answer. My teeth. That ain't my credit report. I told you you found my... I love it. Emo, you are fantastic. What a great interview. What a great set. What a great sense of humor. Welcome to the Sony Universe, the debut of Emo Majok, ladies and gentlemen. gentlemen. There you go. That's how it's done. It's exciting. We've come a long way from that first bucket pool.

39:51Brian Redban:He was good. Solid. Solid. Oh, we liquefied him and put him in a drink for Harlan. Look at that. There he is. That fast. He goes from a solid to a liquid, ladies and gentlemen. Only on Kill Tony do we have this type of technology. Rogan has a lot of money as a human liquefier in the book. He's bubbly. He was bubbly on stage, too. Yeah. Dark and bubbly. Wow, wonderful. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Ashley Ann, everybody. Here we go.

40:33What's up, guys? So I found out my ex was bisexual when I found the Grindr app on his phone. which I thought was just like a GPS app to the gyms. And it was. To gyms and mics and Tonys. That's not why we broke up, though. It was actually because he's a whore. Bisexual I can deal with, but biloyal, absolutely not. Then I found out my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend. She confessed to me that they had had a threesome, which is crazy. Like, they tied her up naked in the bed. She thought she was going to get some kinky good fun, but they actually just forgot she was there and went out just, you know, right next to her.

41:19Which to me sounds a lot less like a threesome and more like a coming out party that took a hostage. It actually took them two years to admit that all of those things were true, too. Which is fair if you consider the fact that most people can't admit that they're the problem, let alone admit that they're at the bottom. Wow.

41:40Brian Redban:All right. Ashley Ann getting her revenge on her ex-boyfriend publicly. I'm guessing what this is. Did he introduce you to this show? Totally crush on you. Absolutely. What? No. What? He did not. I haven't talked to that man in a very long time. Okay. How long ago was this breakup? It was like 13 years ago. Oh, wow. This is perhaps one of the craziest ex-girlfriends we've ever had on this show. Wow. Revenge is sweet, ladies and gentlemen. 13 years she's been plotting and planning. Wow. How long was the relationship? Well, it took me that long to get over the trauma. First of all, I'm now writing about it.

42:22You know, release. Maybe like three years.

42:25Brian Redban:Okay, so three years, held onto it for 13. Yeah, there's a good reason why, but I can't say it publicly. AIDS. AIDS is the answer. That's definitely not it. Okay, good. You can't say, is he famous or something? Mm-mm. I would tell you, not them. Okay, what a great podcast guest you are. I'm sure the people, the millions of people at home are going to go. Okay, fine, I'll tell you. Perfect. It's my daughter's dad. It's your daughter's dad. Okay. It was actually eight years ago. I was trying not to be too specific for him, but. So you've answered nothing. Listen, he's in prison, so, I mean, he's happy.

43:00Brian Redban:There you go. All right. This interview's moving at an interesting pace. What's he in prison for? DUI. DUI. How do you get sent for prison for a DUI? Running away with a car and then running it into the back of another car. Okay. So, all right. How long is he in prison for? Oh, he did five years, but he went right back. Why did he go right back? Armed robbery. There it is. Hey, everybody. Seriously, you can't answer the simplest of questions. It's amazing. Yeah, he thought it was crazy. He just never touched a gun a day in his life. He just knew where he wanted to be and how to get there. He's never touched a gun a day in his life.

43:38Brian Redban:He knew where he had to be. But he did have a gun during the robbery. Okay. Sure did. All right. Okay. How long is he in prison for this time? I don't care. I don't know. I actually don't know. Perfect. You are literally the worst interview in the history of the show. This is unbelievable. Listen, when my fiancé watches this, he's going to make fun of me so bad. He's here. He's here. Okay. All right. Yeah, he's probably going to cheat on you in a bisexual threesome. I can see how this is all working out, by the way. He's probably going to get himself thrown in prison by doing whatever it takes just so that he doesn't have to deal with you anymore.

44:13Brian Redban:I'm starting to all make sense, Ashley. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About a year. A year. All of it here in Austin? Mm-mm. Where do you live? No. I live in DFW. DFW. Dallas? I live in Fort Worth, yeah, but I work all over the place, so. You found a rich cowboy to buy you a 10-carat diamond ring after all that shit? That is a huge ring monster. He is legally blind. He had to find me somehow, so. He's actually blind? He is legally blind, yes. Wow. It all makes sense now. Listen, he can see me. He just has no peripheral. He's like a roomboat on low battery. He probably wishes he was deaf.

44:56He is a little bit.

44:58Brian Redban:He's a little bit deaf too? Yeah. Wow. Where did you find this guy? I don't know. My standards were like over here. It's an easy question. Where did you meet this guy? A bar. Karaoke. The bar. Karaoke. What was your song? What were you singing that night? He made me sing some Reba McEntire. Fancy. You're like Courtney Love. Yeah. More like Courtney Hate. Except I'm a natural blonde. You're a fucking monster. God. I know. Yeah, I make fun of my blind fiancé a lot. I'm sorry. How did he end up blind and partially deaf? Partially deaf because he sits next to my fucking speakers when I host karaoke.

45:39Blind, he was born, he's got RP, retinitis pigmentosa.

45:43Brian Redban:Okay. So he just was born with full vision and loses it gradually. So he has double pigmentosa, huh? Yeah. Double pigmentosa? Yeah. Okie dokie. Wasn't that one of, wasn't that, what is it? How do you say it? Retinitis pigmentosa. I know it sounds like a Harry Potter spell. Retinitis pigmentosa. Sounds more like one of Winnie the Pooh's little buddies. Pigmentosa. Yeah, totally. All right. Ashley Ann, I got to keep this thing moving along. For sure, for sure. Here's a really small joke book. Can you catch it? Yes. I'm going to leave it a little bit short because you seem like a walking lawsuit here.

46:18Brian Redban:There you go. Perfect. Ashley Ann. There you go. Good God almighty.

46:29Brian Redban:All right. Let's get a little palate cleanser up here, ladies and gentlemen. We've had some giggles with these bucket pools, but now it's time to drop the hammer. I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, here doing a spot in the middle of a random episode of Kill Tony, I present to you a man who one day, perhaps, by the grace of God, will be a citizen of the United States of America. But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Matzi.

47:24I love thinking always how American movies play in other markets. Like if you're in Japan and you went to see Oppenheimer.

47:42Bummer. No Japanese people in that movie Just a sexy scientist Smoking cigarettes Should I? Banging chicks at university Click Back to banging Or like if you're in Korea And you went to see Marley and me

48:15The whole time you watch that movie, you're like, how long is this meal gonna take?

48:26Sometimes they rename American movies to fit for the local market, like Taken with Liam Neeson in Albania. It was called Normal Business Guy.

48:45does honest business until American asshole intervenes. Schindler's List in Germany it was called Scheiße. So close.

49:15But my favorite movies are Denzel Washington movies. He makes killing look so easy. He's just a lazy, fat old guy. You're at home eating chips, you're like, yeah, I got it like that. Every Denzel movie is him at a diner trying to finish a meal. But then a hooker gets in trouble. Every Denzel movie is just him at a diner.

50:02Kills 26 people.

50:07Takes down a whole syndicate. It's a hot hooker though, you gotta save a hot hooker. Okay, this is an act out of Denzel Washington trying to finish a meal. But then the hooker who gets in trouble is a fat cow.

50:41Ain't nobody saving a fat cow! Thank you guys so much.

50:47Brian Redban:Wow. Three minutes and 30 seconds. The only human that we allow and that can take the ball and run with it and crush. What a presentation. No, we love it. I didn't have time to cut it. No, it's great. You're fucking... It's a movie chunk right there, and we love it. Someone's been watching some movies. this week. You look fantastic. You're crushing. Life is good. I look like a lead singer in a vampire band. Yeah, a very emotional band. Death is infinite. Ari, what have you been up to? Yeah, not much. I had my first Halloween in America. I know it's a while ago. Yeah. We don't have Halloween in Estonia.

51:38We have Russians

51:42Things are scary enough

51:48Brian Redban:Local Estonians and the Russians What's the difference? Explain to these One are murdering and raping empire And the other are really nice, intelligent, beautiful people Wow Wow Wow.

52:07Brian Redban:And you've seen that firsthand. You've seen some Russian pillaging, if you will. Yeah, when I was like 14, I remember I got beat up by these two Russian kids. They were also 14, but in Russia, 14, they got like hair on their knuckles, two kids, a divorce, three jobs, you know. I was like an Estonia 14-year-old. I had a doll, you know. I was doing parkour. No, literally, I was doing parkour, and then they saw me doing parkour, and they came up to me, and they said in Russian, they go,

52:42which means like Estonian, which... I don't know how they already knew.

52:50Brian Redban:And then what? Did you throw the first punch? No, never. No. They threw the first punch, and then they claimed it was necessary due to NATO, so...

53:03Brian Redban:I love it. You seem well-rested. What have you been up to? Yeah, I went to Mexico for a week. Oh. Yeah. Look at that. A lot of fans of Mexico here wonder why. We have a large Latino fan base here tonight. I saw a lot of Mexicans that I wish would come here. Are you in love with a Mexican girl? I fell in love every day, every single day. The way they look at you, too, it's crazy, you know? Like, Mexican women, they look at you like, I'll fuck you, you know? Yeah. Yeah, they will. I walked around with a Kill Tony hoodie, and so many Mexicans would look at my hoodie, look at me, and they would go, Hey, what did Tony do?

53:53It was like the main joke. It was so funny. I saw them. Every time I saw them, look at the hoodie, I'm like, here it comes. What did Tony do? I don't know. That sounded Italian.

54:07Yeah, I went to Cozumel, a beautiful island, and, uh, dude, when I was there for the first night, I had such a funny incident where, okay, I Google restaurant, Google map restaurants, and a lot of kosher.

54:22You know? Uh-huh. Yes. Yeah. A lot of kosher, and I'm like, what the fuck is this? This is Mexico. Fuck kosher, you know? and then I go outside of my hotel. First thing I see in Cozumel, two Jewish guys, full Jew, full Jew, not like adapted, but like not hiding at all, just full with the things, you know? You know, like... Full, like... Yeah. Uh-huh.

54:59And they were arguing, two Jewish guys arguing with a Mexican guy who, he's the guy who rents out scooters and like motorbikes. And the Mexican is, just when I walk by them, the Mexican is saying, I keep deposit. Look, scratches. I have evidence. No scratch here before. I have picture. Look, there is scratch. And then the Jewish guy goes, no, no, we need deposit. I also have picture. And then they show the picture. And then I go and eat. About 10 minutes later, I see the Jewish guys walking away from there with like a wad of money in their hand. And then the other one looks at the guy. He goes, Photoshop is free and so are we.

55:41Brian Redban:Just wow. So they're like that in Mexico too. Yeah. Wow. Punta Judea. That was just funny. That is incredible. Wow. Amazing. You're a racist, huh, Harland? Well, only if you're Jewish or Mexican.

56:04But yeah, I had fun. Yeah. Halloween party. Did you go to a Halloween party? No, no, no. You got to be careful with Halloween, my guy. Tell me. Well, you're a how long you've been in America, my guy. Like one year and a half. One year and a half. Tony will back me up on this Redban that the key is to be careful with the costume. OK. I blew it last year. I went out dressed as a pinata and went trick or treating down in the Latino community. and they beat the three musketeers out of me.

56:39If I could get some kind of noise to pick me up.

56:46Funnier, funnier. I did go to a Halloween party and what I noticed is every chick is like a sexy slutty cat, huh? That's like the only hot animal they can think of.

56:56Brian Redban:Yeah. There are a lot of chicks that should have been a sexy elephant, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You should have gone to Jeffrey Dahmer's house. He had a bare skin rug.

57:14Funnier, funnier. But there were like, there were like so many, so many chicks dressed as a sexy cat at this party where I was at, that I, when I was at this party and I saw all these titties and pussies out, I kind of understood Islam. because there would be like all the chicks with the sexy pussy pussy cut out and then there would be that one chick you know dressed like as a banana you know just the faces out

57:49and i would look at her like fuck what's under the banana yeah yeah creates a little mystery Just like the burka. Mysteries just as hot as sluttiness.

58:05Brian Redban:I couldn't agree more. The banana wins. Ari, you are unbelievable. What a fucking set. Triple the work that you had to do. This place, creating stars. If Cam's on SNL, I can't imagine what Ari Matty's going to be doing in the very near future. One more time for Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen. Onward we go. Back to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. And your next comedian goes by the name of Jack Hemphill. Here we go. The opportunity of a lifetime. Yo. I don't know if you can tell by looking at me, but I got my hair cut at the lesbian barber shop. They kind of fucked me up, though. It's my fault.

58:50They asked me what I wanted. I said, I don't know, just scissor me.

58:56I keep seeing ads for male enhancement pills They're supposed to make your dick bigger, longer, stronger I don't know about that I wish they'd come out with something for female enhancement Yeah, how about a pill that makes you shut the fuck up?

59:15Growing up was weird My dad, my dad, he was always on this seafood diet where if he got home and he didn't see food on the table, he'd hit my mom.

59:30Shit, man. Life's hard these days. Like, if a white dude wants to be black, they call him a wigger, right? I'm a white dude, and I really want to be Mexican. What does that make me, a wiener?

59:48Brian Redban:Shit. That would make you a white back. Just to let you know what the funnier punchline is there, Jack Hemphill. Welcome, Jack. This is your first time on the show? Yes, sir. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like two and a half years. Where at? Fucking hitting Creek open mics, Green Room. So here in Austin, Texas? Yeah, here in Austin. Nice. What do you do for work? I'm unemployed right now. Uh-oh. How much money do you have saved? Like 15, 20, you know. Just fucking living, bumming, bumming for the rest of the year. $15 ,000,$20 ,000? Yeah. Total. Yeah. So what's your rent? $11.50. $11.50.

1:00:29Brian Redban:So you have about a year. That's about half as much as a fender has. I suppose. Or twice as much. Okay. So what's your plan? How are you going to make money, Jack? Shit. I'm going to fucking go to Mexico for the month of December, fucking learn Spanish, come back, and get a sales job or something. I don't know. Okay. What's your plan? How did Mexico enter the chat exactly? Well, I kind of want to be Mexican, you know? I want to go there, take classes to learn Spanish, take some cooking classes. In one month? Yeah. Yeah, I think I can pull it off. You don't know Spanish at all? I know a little bit.

1:01:08I grew up in Texas, so I took it in elementary school, middle school, high school. Okay. How old are you?

1:01:14Brian Redban:24. 24 years old. You're unemployed right now, but what was the last job that you had? I was fucking, it was a sales job. Just fucking cold calling, bullshitting, you know, instruction. How long did you have that job for? Like six months. Okay. They fired you? Yeah. Why? I deserved it. Why? Because I kept staying up all night on my phone and then showing up late for work the next day. Yeah. What would you be doing on your phone in the middle of the night? Dude, fucking scrolling Instagram reels. What is your algorithm like? If we looked at your... Really racist. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Anything else?

1:01:57Just racism? Racism, fucking jokes, random bullshit. I don't know. Stuff that is unfulfilling. Just fulfilling enough for me to try and see if there's something better on the next scroll. But nothing more than that.

1:02:13Brian Redban:Midgets with giant tits. have entered my algorithm. I clicked on it one time, one time, and now it's my entire recommended page. And I don't know exactly how or why, but I do keep clicking on it and staring at them. So wait, you've been, you're out of work right now? Yeah. Dude, it breaks my heart. I'm gonna be emotional here. And I think you people are the, it breaks my heart to see Natalie Portman out of work.

1:02:47Yeah, you look like the meanest lesbian at a lesbian bar, man. You're awesome. Thank you. Really, duds. You would probably get a job at, like, medieval times or something like that. Probably. I know I can't juggle, but I'll learn if they pay enough. Ever put your lips on the front of a Tesla and just sucked?

1:03:08Brian Redban:What part exactly would he suck on? The hood. The what? The hood. Oh, the hood. Because that's the biggest area for his giant Natalie Portman suck mouth. Okay. What is your love life like? What are you into? I mean, honestly, I catch a lot of lesbians. You know? Uh-huh. But seriously. Not recently. I mean, recently, I mean, my only options are, like, dating apps, and I feel like the fucking app runners are, like, digital e-pimps. you know, selling twat, and I don't want to be a digital, like, simp. What's the last date you went on?

1:03:53Brian Redban:The last hookup you had, perhaps. Fucking 37-year-old lady at, like, South by Southwest. At South by Southwest? Yeah. Like, there on location? Or you met her there? It was, like, a bar show. Yeah, I just met her there. What'd she look like? Dude, she fucking... When it starts with dude, you know it's going to be good. dude she was she was wide right and like looked like looked fat under her clothes but she had a flat stomach it was weird it was a weird body type big old titties um she smelled like corn tortillas and pozole it was it was pretty nice and it was yeah yeah you could say that yeah it was a latina yeah for sure okay how do you think she felt looking up and seeing she's fucking natalie Portman with an altar boy's mustache.

1:04:46Brian Redban:So how did that, where exactly did that sexual hookup take place? At her place? At her place. Herpes? At her place. I'm sorry, I thought I heard herpes. You did. You did hear herpes. Her place. So how did that end? Did you last long? Stop talking to her. Oh, okay, perfect. Well, that's not exactly the... All right, Jack. Well, congratulations. Here's a medium-sized joke book for you. Jack Hemphill, everybody. Her place. All right, keeping it moving along. Make some noise for your next... Oh, my goodness. There's the lovely Heidi. Check out her podcast, Love on the Line, at HeidiRegina.com. Let's make some noise for your next bucket poll.

1:05:36Brian Redban:It's Doc Ferry, everybody. Anything can happen. It's Doc Ferry.

1:05:44I love pussy. I just can't stand you fucking bitches. Let me explain. I'm surrounded by females. I got nine aunts, only two uncles. I got three ex-wives. I got four daughters, no sons. And I got seven grandkids, six, which are girls. So what I'm trying to tell you, ladies, is I'm onto your fucking bullshit. And y 'all are fucking crazy. Let me give you an example. My dad caught me smoking a cigarette when I was younger. He made me smoke the whole pack in front of him. I get it. You know, punishment fits the crime. Now my mother, she caught me jerking off in the bathroom. She made me... I can't look my uncle in the eyes to this day.

1:06:26It was horrible. My dumb-ass wife asked me a dumb-ass question. She said, do you have a favorite song? I said, yeah, you want to hear it? She said, yeah. I said, all right, here it goes. Da-da-da-da-da.

1:06:42Second verse, same as the first. She said, that's not a song. I said, it's music to my ears, bitch. Now suck my cock. Thank you very much. My name's God. Wow.

1:06:54Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Nick. You just turned every pussy in this place to sand. Good job. It's frightening. Who says ISIS doesn't have a sense of humor? Sir, you're still crouching and I can see you. There he goes. Doc, welcome. You've been on this show before, right? About two months ago. Okay. Well, welcome back. Remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up? About two years now. Two years. And what do you do for work? I am going to school currently for HVAC. HVAC. You're going to learn HVAC. Well, that sucked. Do you see what I did there? What were you going to do? I was going to say the exact same thing.

1:07:35Yeah, exactly.

1:07:36Brian Redban:My brother. There we are. Thanks for standing erect. There she is. Look at that. Someone that dresses like a banana for Halloween. Anyway.

1:07:53Brian Redban:So, Doc, is that true what you said? You have three ex-wives and four daughters? Three ex-wives, four daughters. How do these marriages all end? Horribly. Yeah, give us a little breakdown. My first wife was my high school sweetheart. I actually lost my virginity to her, which was ironic because 10 years later I lost my car, my kids, half my money for 16 years. Yeah. My second wife was the meanest woman walking the face of the earth, still is. She's in Germany. She's German, true German. I don't need to say any more about that. That was rough. She was the worst. She was the meanest. She was the meanest.

1:08:36I actually, we talked about this before, but I got PTSD after going to war three times with the military from the ex-wives.

1:08:46Brian Redban:Wow. So I went to therapy and everything. Can you give us an example of what type of... Tony. I believe she was on the show earlier, by the way, now that I think about it. Is her name Ashley Ann, by any chance? I can tell you this. I can tell you some horrible things because it's not just the ex-wives. I don't date anymore. I'm done with women. They're fucking just obnoxious. I can't fucking take... Sorry, ladies. Get your sisters together, okay? Because they're fucking up. So here's some shit. Sorry, ladies. Not a chance. Sorry, girls. You're not getting a shot at them. Yeah, I'll be outside after.

1:09:29I'm available. I'm single. Hey, do your hands get bigger every time you beat the shit out of one of your wives? You got myths on you, dude. Just gets flatter right here. You ever lay in bed at night, rub your beard, and pretend you're fingering a girl from the 70s? That's a good question. You're on to me. Does it show?

1:09:47Brian Redban:Yeah. Exactly, I do that. Keep telling us about the most traumatic wife you have. Well, the most traumatic wife, things that she did. The last two years of our marriage, I was locked in the basement, scared to death of her. She would come to work, and she would show her ass. I mean, bad. She didn't care who was there. She just acted a fool up and down. What does that mean exactly? What does that mean to you? What exactly would she do? Here's a good example. You guys worked together at the time? No. She would go to her work. She came to my work. Right. I was. Which at the time was what? In the military.

1:10:23Brian Redban:Oh, she would show up to a military base? Okay, go ahead. And she would act crazy. But one of the things that happened while I was in the military and married to her was, I was in the bathroom taking a shower, and she literally kicks in the door, right? And I look like this, and she goes, I want you to take the shower on your knees. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? She said, the sound of the water is going to wake the baby. I said, get the fuck out of the bathroom. She was serious. Who are you married to, fat bastard? What the fuck are you talking about? It's Fiona. It's Fiona.

1:10:59Talked about. When she got mad, that's what she sounded like. It was horrible, and she was mad all the time. Wow. What ethnicity are you exactly?

1:11:09Brian Redban:I am half white and half Mexican. Half white, half Mexican. Okay, tell us about the third wife. Third wife was the whore. We went in depth with this one. Oh. Yeah, this one was, I'll just give it quick. Yeah. Uh, she put it while I was, uh, contracting overseas, she was back here putting herself on a Craigslist personals and she was, uh, dating a lot of people, usually five to seven guys at a time. And so, uh, when I came back, I said, uh, you know, why did you do it? And she was like, well, the relationship had just lost its romance. I was like, good luck finding a romantic gang bang bitch. And, uh, then I thought, oh, holy shit.

1:11:46I gave her permission. You know, I didn't know if a romantic gang bang was a real thing. so I had to go to a porn hub. I went to porn hub and put romantic gangbang in the search bar and I tell you what, it took me 15 hours, a half bottle of Jergens and a trip to the emergency room and by God, I was right. She's a nasty bitch.

1:12:05Brian Redban:Wait, you ended up in the emergency room? Are you making a joke? I'm making a joke. Okay. But she's a bitch. In the end. Okay. Doc, let me ask you this because you seem to really hate women at this point in your life. I am not fond of them. Right. What's the last date you went on? Have you ever had a positive interaction as of late with a woman? At all? Do you kind of go into it thinking this isn't going to work? No, I go in there with a very positive attitude. Okay, so what's that like... Can you give us an example of a recent date that you went on where... I haven't dated in two years. You haven't been on a date in two years?

1:12:42Brian Redban:Have you hooked up with anybody in the last two years? Not at all? Not at South by Southwest? December 22? What happened in December of 22? That was the last time I got laid. That's the last date I had. How did that happen? What went down there? She was a girlfriend, and she just got jealous because I had... I live in Bernie, so there's a lot of money over there. So the main house has seven bedrooms. And so I, you know, pick up some people sometimes, and they live there. So I had a friend who was a female who lived there. Hold on. Time out. Time out. Time out. Time out. Time out. You said the main house has seven bedrooms.

1:13:16Brian Redban:That's your house? Yeah. You live there? Yeah. By yourself? Well, my brother lives there. I got my daughter now with four of my grandkids and her husband. But it's your house? It's my house. Right. How were you able to afford a seven-bedroom house in Bernie? I was working overseas. I was contracting. I was making a quarter million a year for like eight years. Okay. Fuck yeah. Look at you. Well, I was a protection service for the ambassador. The ambassador of what? Of Afghanistan. The U.S. ambassador. You protected the ambassador of Afghanistan. You got this weird looking guy off to the side there.

1:13:50I'm like him, only like way better.

1:13:54Brian Redban:I'm pretty sure that guy would rip your fucking arms out of your sockets there. Doc. Pretty sure he would just absolutely do whatever he wanted to you. Yes. I'm getting older now. I used to be a little bit more in shape, but not anymore. I'm giving that to the younger one. How old are you, Doc? 56. 56. Tell us what recently, what's, tell us how age is affecting you as of late. It's the most recent. Yeah, okay. I piss funny now. When you say you piss funny, what exactly do you mean? That means I got to piss really bad, but I just pissed two minutes ago. So I go to go to the bathroom again in a dribble a little bit, and then, come on.

1:14:35You know, nothing comes out. And then I go back again, then I don't pee for an hour, and then it's just kind of up and down. up and down. So I thought I might have a prostate problem. I didn't even think about this story. I got DP'd at the urologist. Tell us about that. All right. So I go in and I have this pee problem. I don't know what's going on. So I'm like, man, they're going to try and I don't know what I don't know what's going to happen, but I think they're going to try and go up my dick. And I don't want that to happen. So I've kind of stayed away from things like that. So I go in and they go into a room, mood lights and everything.

1:15:12I'm not comfortable. They put me on my side, and then they take this wand with like a baseball-type thing on there, and they shove it in my ass. Uh-huh. Okay? I hate to tell you this, buddy. You were at Ruth Chris Steakhouse.

1:15:29I knew there was something wrong with the coupon. Invite D back. Hell yeah.

1:15:36Brian Redban:All right, keep going, Doc. So, this guy puts this thing in my ass and then not only that but now he's you know he's moving it around and doing and i'm just like holding on i'm just holding on okay so then at the end pulls it out that hurt and i was like oh thank goodness i said and i kind of joked cleaned up and joked with the guy i thought i was gonna get something in my pee hole he said that's the next room and i said fuck me so i go into the next room and swear to god this is true they have the tray there's like a mound of the goo uh-huh gel all right and the thing that's gonna go in my pee hole looks like the wand at a car wash it's that you said the word of the day car wash is the word of the day dried up all the pussies and you shriveled up all the cocks my friend that is true that is true gonna have a calmer world after this show the most unfuckable man on the planet right now.

1:16:35Brian Redban:No wonder these women hate you. I'm gonna make you shower on your fucking knees tonight, Doc. Shower on your knees. You're going to wake the baby. All right, Doc, we gotta keep it moving. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. There goes Doc, everybody. It's a lot of, uh... You might think that this episode is like a psychiatry office or something tonight, and it kind of is. There's a lot of, uh, you know, a lot of wild people get into stand-up. It's a crazy thing. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. It's Jack McWilliams, everyone. Jack.

1:17:16I hooked up with a girl who put on music to set the mood. I was about to go down on her when the song Cola by Lana Del Rey came on. For those that don't know, the first line of that sexy song is, my pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola.

1:17:37So that threw me off, I'll be honest. I was not expecting her to taste like the choice of a new generation. Didn't seem sexy to me, but I didn't want to ruin the moment, so I just asked her, can I go down on you? She said, is Pepsi okay? Not my first choice, you know? I ordered a nice cold cock. Let me hear you, fellas. Homophobic crowd.

1:18:08Seriously, there's no way that Lana Del Rey thinks it's sexy to taste like nobody's favorite beverage, right? That's got to be an advertisement for Pepsi. That product placement sticks out more than a shockingly clean car on The Walking Dead. I'm watching that show like, how did they get a brand-new Chevy Silverado in the fifth year of a zombie apocalypse. All right, I'm Jack McWilliams. Thanks so much.

1:18:31Brian Redban:Jack McWilliams. This guy seems stable. He looks like a comedian. He acts like a comedian. He moves like a comedian. Doing jokes. Yeah. This is a relief out of this bucket tonight, Jack. How long you been doing stand-up? Yeah. Ten years this Valentine's Day. Ten years this Valentine's Day. What made you start on Valentine's Day ten years ago? That was the day when I just, there was an open mic, and I clearly was single. Yeah. I love it. So 10 years, where'd you start at? I was in Bloomington, Indiana when I was in college, but I was in Chicago for eight years. Okay. You live here now? So I'm in a long-distance relationship with a girl who lives in Austin, and I'm a golf caddy, so I go like six months at a time.

1:19:15Nice. I was just passed on another callback to be a door guy here, literally tonight. Oh, wow. Hopefully I get that. Oh, that's amazing.

1:19:25Brian Redban:fuck yeah that'd be great what an amazing thing happening here hire him the guy charged this guy i love it yeah adam hegan yes um so you met adam tonight you met him last monday um and he told you to come back right for another one tonight and you did good tonight yep and he said you have a chance of being a door guy yeah he said he has to check his thing yeah they have to do a little FBI, little research. Right. It was like, you said jokes, you look stable, but let's really find it out. We'll give you a month. Now they'd go through a high-level research thing. Right. I've got to battle eight different jiu-jitsu.

1:20:05Yeah. Exactly.

1:20:09Brian Redban:Rogan's Club, the video game. I've got a month to get it all down, so I think I'm a shoo-in. What do you mean you've got a month? To learn all the jiu-jitsu. Oh, exactly. Just a little jiu-jitsu riff. We'll get back. No, totally. I love it, Jack. So you're a professional golf caddy. Yes. And how long have you been in a relationship with a girl from Austin? Two years next month. Nice. What does she do? She works at HEB. She's a manager. She's an American hero is what she is. That's right. Wait, what's HEB? You don't know about HEB, Harlan? We're Canadian. We don't know what that is. You're Canadian too?

1:20:45Brian Redban:I'm just a piece of shit French Canadian. I'm like half. Wow. I'm French Canadian too. Oh, my God. Cousins. What's an HPB? No, H-E-B. H-P-B. H-E-B is the world's greatest grocery store, ladies and gentlemen. Now, it sounds like, hey, what do you mean, world's greatest grocery store? What does that even mean? All grocery stores are created equal. Moe, my friend, every single thing in H-E-B is better than every single thing anywhere else. Literally, in every single way. If anything has the H-E-B logo on it, even if it looks like it's generic, it's better than the actual product that it's competing with.

1:21:29Can I ask a question?

1:21:30Brian Redban:You can ask any question you'd like. I would love to answer it. We love H-E-B. That is not even a paid sponsorship, by the way. That is just our hearts. And it is a lasagna. A fucking unbelievable. Can I tell you something? 22 layers. Good fucking luck, buddy. I put one in the oven on my way here. No, yeah. Fuck off. I slow cook it. I put it on before the show. I come to sound check. Yeah. Good fucking luck, you French Canadian. You'll never get up to 22 layers. You would need a goddamn crane to pull off such a feat. The lasagna. Layer? I barely know her.

1:22:13Brian Redban:Did your girl ever bring home any special treats from H-E-B? some exclusive treats. Perhaps they're unbelievable jalapeno stuffed peppers. Stuffed jalapeno poppers. It's actually my pet nickname for my girlfriend. Indeed. Yeah, we always shop at H-E-B. What are some of your favorite things from H-E-B? Tell these Canadians what the fuck is going on here. Let's see. I'm having trouble... Hey, Adam, be quiet. I'm having trouble thinking of a specific thing but she just went through the management training and I know that they like spend years with like a group of scientists developing their products as good if not better than like normal products like Doritos they only hold Doritos because then everybody needs to still shop at HEB because they want to, Harlan, get with the program man.

1:23:06So it's like science food? Yes. That's the perfect way to describe it but like they'll develop a product for years before they release it, making sure that it's superior to whatever they're trying to replicate. So like, I love their chips. Look, it's real.

1:23:22Brian Redban:What you have to understand is that it's real. And it's a fucking anomaly. And you kind of hear about it when you first get here. You know, Red Band and I have been here five fucking years now. And you learn a lot, HEB, and for five years. And different HEBs actually have different specialists and chefs and cooks and stuff that specialize in different things. For example, speaking of Bernie, I was at my buddy's ranch in Bernie a couple weeks ago, and it turns out their bakery is literally out of fucking control to where the guy, my buddy Nick's dad, is like, hey, man, you got to try these motherfucking snickerdoodles, baby.

1:23:58Brian Redban:And I'm like, I'm not a big cookie guy. I'm not into sweets. He's like, no, you got to try the fucking snickerdoodles from the H-E-B, baby. The lady at the bakery at this H-E-B here in Bernie out of fucking control. and I ate like 72 fucking snickerdoodle cookies. I was wasted on snickerdoodles. What does HPV even stand for? It's pronounced HPV is what it is. Don't you guys dare fucking take this grocery store's name in vain. What does it mean? What are the letters? People call it here everything's better but I believe it's just after somebody's name. It is and you're not going to believe the name.

1:24:40Brian Redban:I believe it is... Is it Herbert? Herbert E. Butts, ladies and gentlemen. B-U-T-T-S. Motherfuckers. Yeah, that's where I want to shop. There's Red Band's one fart noise. Thank you. Buttered tortillas my girlfriend makes breakfast. Yeah. The place goes wild. Make them fresh. And again, I imagine that the people listening around the world right now are going, shut the fuck up. There's no way you guys have a superior grocery store. Fuck you. It's an anomaly. It's just one of the things. We also have, as you may know, a superior gas station. Our grocery stores, our gas station, our tax breaks, our real estate, our booming economy.

1:25:33Brian Redban:So many things are better here in Texas. Herbert Eats Butts. I shopped down the street at Wally Eats Ass. How about that? Yeah. Oh, it's Howard. I thought it was Herbert, because that sounds cooler than Howard, but it's Howard E. Butts. Yeah. Howard E. Butts. So we were going to... My girlfriend and I were going to have her move up to Chicago in June if something didn't take off comedy-wise for me, and she was like, I don't know where I'm going to work, where I'm going to shop, and I was just like, yeah, we got Jewel Osco, but that sucks compared to H-E-B. Oh, yeah, there's no comparison. Are you sure you're just not a valet in Key Largo?

1:26:09Do have that vibe.

1:26:11Brian Redban:Somehow you look like you might be, guy. Yeah. It's a golf caddy. Are there any promising golf caddy positions here? I work at Spanish Oaks. Oh, nice. So you already work here. Fucking perfect, man. So I go six months at a time. You're doing it. Oh, I play the least amount of golf I ever have now that I caddy. So I like bogey golf, but I was like a 10 in college. Good enough to keep up and have fun. Perfect. You smash it. Yeah. You do, Jack. Congratulations, Jack. A fantastic performance. Jack, are you around Wednesday for a secret show? Yes, sir. Boom. Join the secret show. Boom. On a real gig.

1:26:48Brian Redban:Very possibly the newest door guy here at the mothership. Here's the big joke book, my friend. Boom.

1:26:58Brian Redban:Jack McWilliams getting real gigs. That's how possible things are. With just a little bit of jokes and mental stability, you can actually have good things happen to you on this show. This bucket pool is representing the inside, but I believe they've already wrangled her. Ladies and gentlemen, representing the audience. Make some noise for Paula, everybody. Here we go.

1:27:30Hi, I'm going to do something a little different here. I'm not going to talk about the number one topic usually on this show, which is dicks. I'm going to talk about a former Olympic sport. You might not notice, but I was a competitive athlete at one point. I'm kind of surprised, too. Anybody want to guess what sport that might have been?

1:28:03Nope. Synchronized swimming.

1:28:10That's what made me question the Olympics. If I could do it, I'm not convinced. Oh, gosh. So what made me realize that I couldn't take my gift to the next step was because I hated getting my hair wet. Um, one more. Um, one more joke. Um, do you...

1:28:40Brian Redban:All right, I'm going to save you here, Paula. Go ahead, and now, even though the bear is played, go ahead, do the one more. How long do you think the one more is? Um, just, just 20 seconds. Okay, here we go, 20 seconds. Paula. Have you noticed that nothing lasts anymore? Your car, five to seven years. Your phone, two to three years. your washing machine five years it's a revolving door for constant revenue I think it all started with tighty whities they were white and there was one more part to that they anyway there was it was impossible to hide your biohazards alright Paula chimney crickets Good lord almighty, Paula.

1:29:31Brian Redban:I gotta tell you, you are the opposite of an H-E-B. Paula, grab that microphone. You're in the interview part now. Have you ever done stand-up before? Never. What made you want to sign up for this here tonight? What in the world would make you want to sign up for this? I watched the show for at least five years, and I thought it would be kind of fun. How did it feel? How does it feel? You're in it right now. I was a little nervous back there, but it's okay. Okay, Paula, let's talk about your life. You've seen the show. Obviously, the set didn't go that good, but you can save it with an amazing interview.

1:30:11I got some stuff.

1:30:12Brian Redban:Okay, tell us about your life, Paula. Um, all right. I like your haircut. Thank you. You look like what Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction would have looked like if she would have died all the way from the overdose. if Travolta didn't hit her right in the heart with that syringe that would have been you it's nice to see the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang making a comeback what? what is Chitty Chitty? he wasn't even old lollipops, ice cream, all free today what are these references? lollipops, ice cream come on children all free today We're going to have to overlay on the YouTube show. We're going to have to...

1:31:00One of the worst villains of all time, the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

1:31:04Brian Redban:I don't know anything about this. If you put a top hat on that, that's it. Oh my god, I do see it. What? Red Band has pulled it up and indeed you look like the Chitty... Lollipop. Ice cream. Oh no, don't be today. Wow. absolutely amazing. Children, come out, children. Okay, all right. We get the... Well, it's going a lot better than her act. I mean, fuck off.

1:31:38And by the way, can you do one more when you haven't done the first one yet? Oh, that's great.

1:31:46Brian Redban:Lollipops, all free today, children. It's incredible. Harlan is so funny that he's able to kill with an impression that nobody's ever even seen before. Right. This is amazing. So, Paula, tell us about your life. What's a fun fact about your life?

1:32:07Um, my dad's brother was killed by the mob.

1:32:11Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Wow. Uh-oh, I fucked up. Yeah.

1:32:20Lollipops. Graveyards, shallow graves, all free today.

1:32:28Brian Redban:Okay, but what about you, Paula? Let's talk about you. You look like you've been through about nine or ten divorces or something like that. No, I'm kidding. All right, let's hear it, Paula. What you been doing with your life? I've been on Steve Harvey before. What were you doing on Steve Harvey's show? Divorcing Pee Wee Herman. She said she was on Steve Harvey Put it together I submitted an Ask Steve Okay And then they called me And they interviewed me And then we did that on the show Okay, alright What did you want to ask Steve? It was probably back in like 2015 or 16 But it was something about, it was when one of our kids was in college, and he lived in a walk-up.

1:33:30And we had never been in the place, but we were paying the rent. And he wouldn't let us in. We had to sit on the stoop. And so that's what the question was regarding. And then Steve Harvey went up.

1:33:46Brian Redban:All right, Paula. Jesus Christ. This is amazing, Paula. Sorry. You sure you've seen this show, Paula? Yes. Okay. All right. How many kids do you have? Two. What did you do for work your entire life? She's got all the kids. She's the child catcher. Okay. All right. Enough of the... I'll do it again. Watch it. Okay. We got it. Slowly, Paula. All right. All three today. Very good. All right. Answer the fucking question, Paula. I did. I tried. I was a fitness trainer for a while. Okay, fitness trainer. And then what? You got married, stopped working, had kids? No. No, it was when my kids were older.

1:34:29Brian Redban:Okay. How old are your kids now? One is almost 40 and one is in his 30s. Okay, cool. And you have a boyfriend now? I'm married. You're married. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? I don't. Okay. Okay, Jesus fucking Christ. Paula, here's a little joke book. Get out of here. Get off of me. Here's a little joke book. Can you catch? Here we go. Oh! Boom! She's an Olympian. Paula, save me. He lifted. Great catch. She really is an athlete. Jesus fucking Christ. Some wild bucket pulls tonight, folks. This is what the show is. Sometimes it's Home Run Derby, and sometimes it's Strikeout City. You never know what's going to happen here.

1:35:21Brian Redban:All right. It appears to be your final bucket pull of the night. Your third female comedian of the night goes by the name of Jenny Ann, everybody. Here we go.

1:35:36Hi, everybody. Hello. So I've been thinking about my celebrity doppelganger, and I finally found it.

1:35:50It's the nerd emoji. Yeah, I've been a nerd for a really long time. Back when the internet asked women one question, you probably know, was it hot? Were you hot or were you not? Yeah, I was on a scale of one to ten. And I was a nine. Yeah, don't laugh. I was nine years old. Okay, Epstein.

1:36:21Now I'm an adult, and the Internet asks me more questions, like, what's your name? What's your social security number? Are you a girl boss, or are you a trad wife? And I'm like, I'm single and tired. I'm so exhausted I'm outsourcing all my decisions to AI I'm scared I'm actually turning into a robot eventually I think the question might be not are you hot or not but are you a bot or not thank you

1:36:55Brian Redban:God fucking strike me down just slit my fucking throat I think I might be able to save this one Can I see your picture here? If you do the fucking thing, I'm going to blow my brains out. Oh, my God. You're going to. I saved it. Fuck off. I saved. That is amazing. Jenny Ann, you've been on this show before, correct? Yeah. I sold a 69 Mustang on your show. Oh, that's right. You pitched a 69 Mustang and then you ended up selling it. Yeah, to a dad and his sons, and they're going to fix it up. Nice. Very good. How exciting. What else is going on in your life, Jenny? You've had enough time to maybe think about what else you could have talked about in the interview portion of this show since the last time you were on.

1:37:46Brian Redban:Any fun facts about your life or anything interesting about you? I don't know where to begin. Any one of the things would be where to begin. Any one of the things.

1:38:02I used to run a lot and I ran in college and then after college I was briefly a shoe model for Hoka Shoes oh wow

1:38:14Brian Redban:how much did that pay? how much does a shoe model pay? is your face in the things? no we were chased by a giant marshmallow to explain how soft Hoka Shoes was Wow. Well, I have good news. The giant marshmallow sits right next to me now. This is him. Damn you, Ghostbusters. I know. Isn't it like a shoe model? Like a mannequin can do that, right? Like you don't... Yeah, I mean, we just... It's just the shoe. It was just us. We like ran around on a track in like a giant marshmallow. How about anything else interesting about you, Jenny Ann? Anything else about your life?

1:38:56Brian Redban:What's your dating life like? You seem like the third craziest woman that's been on the show tonight. Thank you. My dating life is I'm starting to date more, so that's good. What are you doing to do that? Are you on the apps or something? Yeah, I am on the apps. Okay. Is your avatar the nerd emoji? What does your bio say on these apps?

1:39:24basically looking for someone who likes to make things and go on long walks and get coffee wow no so boring this is one foxy dork right here tony jesus christ it is are we hitting it off yeah like keep looking at me i'm married i can't but god damn no i still think she's like a dominatrix or something like that's something you know I think she's got a Gilligan's Island fetish.

1:39:50Brian Redban:Oh, another super topical Harlan reference. We've eked our way to the early 70s, ladies and gentlemen.

1:40:03Brian Redban:I'm this close to pulling out the lollipop. Oh, my God. All right. So, Jenny, give us an example. Like, the last date that you went on, what was that? You matched with somebody and then you met them for coffee or something? Yeah, we went for a walk around Lady Bird Lake. Okay. Don't worry, I'm not the Lady Bird Lake killer. All right, keep going. Keep going, Jenny. That's not funny. Just keep going. It's just crazy. It's crazy what's going on here tonight. It's the least funniest people. Like, I'm going to sign up for Kill Tony. I've never had narcolepsy, but I think I'm about to get it real quick.

1:40:40Brian Redban:Policy? That's... What? Okay. Let him sleep before he does the lollipops thing. Lollipops. I see you all three today, children. All right. Okay. So, Jenny, you went for a walk around Lady Bird Lake, and then the date, what happened? I told him about what I did last week. Uh-huh. What did you do the week before? I went to Las Vegas to help sell AI guns. Okay. All right. Okay. So then what happened on the fucking day, Jenny? Jesus God.

1:41:24Somehow I made him laugh. I don't know.

1:41:26Brian Redban:All right. Tony, she's boring. Yeah, it is incredible. God damn, she's... Jenny, last question I could possibly ask you before we... I think this might be a new thing, just the new wait a year program. before I put you on a year of no sign-up allowance. Bring back Blacklist. Give us something fucking interesting about your entire life. Anything could work right now. Anything. It was the car, wasn't it? You sold a Mustang and that was it. That was your entire personality last time you were on. And now you're back. Yeah, I'm back. You've seen the show before. I watch it every Monday. And you see, like, I'll ask somebody a question, and then they'll answer honestly, and I'll say something.

1:42:17Brian Redban:Okay, most interesting thing about your fucking life. 200 body count. Again, we keep answering for you here, Jenny-Ann. You're not saying anything while claiming that you're answering honestly. It's normally not this hard. You can say anything. Any fucking thing. any fucking thing about your entire fucking life. I think it's interesting that I sold AI guns last week. Okay, there she goes. Jenny Ann, a year. You'll have to wait a year to see her big return. Holy shit. There she goes. Golly gee, what the fuck? You know, if I was a fan of this show, I'd be thinking maybe it's burnt out. You know what I mean?

1:43:09Brian Redban:Maybe, just maybe. Maybe they ran their course. In the end it was just a bunch of crazy people signing up for the chance to do a minute. But let me remind you we find stars almost every other week or so. There's another fucking absolute monster, monster comedian that we find. Dedrick Flynn has the week off. He's in Atlanta with his family. For those of you that that are fans of the show, may I say, we have a book to recommend. The great Louis C.K. wrote a book. It's called Ingram, everybody. I read it. It's amazing. You should read it. Why not read a book while listening to your favorite podcast, Kill Tony?

1:43:52Brian Redban:How about a hand for Louis C.K., ladies and gentlemen? It's an amazing book. You're gonna love it. Harlan, what were you gonna say there? No, it's the moments past, I was gonna say, this was more, like, entertaining than... Yeah, it literally was the highlight of her set. That was the most interesting thing she did, really. Yeah.

1:44:13Brian Redban:Anyway, we can always count on our regulars. The great Ari Maddy performed earlier. And the only way to end a show like this is with the Hall of Famer with the record for the most appearances on this show. The most interviews during this show. In this show's history. And he is here again. And ladies and gentlemen, closing us out, it's the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody.

1:44:56Did y 'all know that a woman discovered Kevlar? and then she said, I'll just turn this into a little vest.

1:45:08I recently asked ChatGPT if AI would one day replace Red Band's job as podcast producer and it responded, you mean Red Band hasn't been replaced yet?

1:45:21I watched Donnie Darko dubbed in French the other day and I definitely didn't know what the fuck was going on.

1:45:30My girl don't need a sports bra. She needs to sit on the couch and watch Bravo bra. My girl don't need a sports bra. She needs to call the American Idol hotline and issue a bomb threat bra. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony.

1:45:47Brian Redban:In and out, William Montgomery. William, have you watched any of tonight's show? Have you seen any of it? Sometimes you're... Saw just a little of it. I haven't been paying attention, but what a bunch of kind of weirdo kind of people, right? Yeah. Psycho bitches. Yeah. Psycho bitches. That last girl, she seemed strange. When she was walking out, I just touched her shoulder just trying to be nice. And then I went on with what I was doing, and I turned around, and she was just sitting there staring at me. And I was like, okay, bitch, keep walking. I was trying to be nice. I was trying to be nice, bitch.

1:46:21Brian Redban:What the fuck? It is wild. Proof that the bucket is real, that anything can happen. Because if these things were pre-picked or produced at all, clearly none of that. I liked Emo Majok, the extremely black man. And yeah, the caddy, Jack McWilliams was fun. And then there's just you and Ari Matty. Yeah, well, I've been so busy up there. I've been hanging out with Ari Matty's friend, also from Estonia. He will not get off my back in the green room. He's... It's Tony. It's... There's an Estonian comedian that's annoying you in the green room? It's really... No, I'm kidding. He's very nice. I only briefly said hello.

1:47:12But he seemed... Oh, yeah, I don't even... What have I been doing up there tonight, Tony? I'm trying to even think about what I've even been doing up there tonight. Uh-huh.

1:47:21Brian Redban:Not a lot. You're asking me what you've been doing in the green room while we've been taping the show? Huh? Nothing. All right, William, how's life been going for you? What have you been up to? Not good, Tony.

1:47:37Brian Redban:Well, it's not funny. No, not good. I got to snap out of it. I haven't done the fucking row machine in three weeks. I've been fucking... What made you stop rowing? My sciatic nerve. And then I just, I was worried I was going to just stop doing it. now i've just stopped doing it so i've got to get back i've been to this horrible funk i've been in it for three weeks now so i just gotta get out of it tony i've been on fucking ebay i've bought all the fucking oriental rugs i can literally fit in my place and now i'm on to lamps now i'm buying a bunch of lamps on fucking ebay but i'm a little worried because i got this really cool kind of old school looking ashtray and i got the package finally arrived today and it was broken why didn't you buy it for me william we're fucking friends man yeah you could go to nick roshafort's antique store at Shamanix House.

1:48:20Brian Redban:What the fuck are you talking about? You told me. No, you don't have very good looking rugs. I looked at your fucking rugs. Dumbass. I have good looking rugs. He has great rugs. C-H-A-M-O-N-I-X house. Shamanix House. And you went on fucking eBay behind my back, man? Yeah, I got on fucking eBay and they smell like shit. All of them smell like shit. They all smell moldy. I should have bought one. What kind of lamps have you bought off eBay this week? Oh my gosh, I got one that looks like a duck. A brass looking duck. I've got a one that looks like another Oriental. It's another Oriental thing. It looks like a it's some sort of cookie jar.

1:48:59It's some sort of jar. Yeah, I gotta get a lampshade. I've been looking on this lampshade website and that's real kind of boring. I mean, they got different kind of lampshades. They got ones that kind of look like a cylinder. They also got ones with like a small top.

1:49:21Brian Redban:Yeah, what else? What other kinds do they have? I don't know. Make something up here. It's getting laughs. Like spherical. More shit. There's also fiber optic stuff. Yeah, I'm getting fiber optic out in my apartment, Tony. Sorry, yeah, it was just so boring. It's hard to even do that. I heard, I saw something on social media the other day that you were sitting in your living room the other night and an owl smashed into your window. Is that true? It is true, and it's very weird. I didn't know if it was a demonic kind of thing. I didn't really understand, because I've literally, in my car recently, all these birds hit my side window.

1:50:07Oh, my God. Literally, when I met, like, a red light, birds will just start going into my fucking side window. Whoa. And now it's happening in my apartment. Whoa. And now it's happening with owls. Now it's happening with hawks. now it's happening with all different kinds of birds they have around here, seriously You're not dating Alfred Hitchcock, are you? Another old reference Ooh, it's the late 50s, no big deal

1:50:31Brian Redban:You wanna go to Arby's later? Yeah Double beef and cheddar Ooh, steak bites, I love the Arby's steak bites Ooh, you do? What else do you love from Arby's? Motherfucking Jamocha shake, Tony! Whoa! No, but that's all I really love, I really do love a Jamocha shake, that's why I could just do that right there what do they call no nothing else from our what do you call them a jomoka that's how i order them and the birds are flying into my window dying seriously it's been a weird that's why i've been down recently tony it's weird birds have been flying into your windows correct and it's now it's on some social media stuff there must be you heard about that i saw I saw that.

1:51:11I also heard an ostrich ran up your ass.

1:51:18Brian Redban:Is there something that you're leaving out, perhaps? Do you have some type of food that you've left out? Why would birds fly into your windows? Is there something going... Energy thing, I think, Tony. Wow. Worried about, yeah. Don't they say if a bird flies into your house, it means somebody's going to die? And I don't want to be morbid, but isn't that like a thing? Yeah. God, I've been watching a whole bunch of fucking police cam videos. That's what I've been doing. And dear Lord, Tony, right before this, again, I kind of haven't been feeling great. And I'm watching this one. I didn't even click on the next video.

1:51:52It just goes on, and it's these two police officers, and there's this crazy guy who won't roll down the window to give the fucking driver's license. And then they end up breaking out the window, and then he shoots the one guy in the neck and the stomach. and then it shows a process of them blocking off the roads with the other police cruisers from their fucking police scams it was police scams everywhere uh but it it kind of didn't help my mood before i got here what's that got to do with a bird a lot of people say you laugh like an owl

1:52:32Brian Redban:okay well i mean stupid recommend the book respond ingram by louis ck one more time since a lot of people have decided to take up reading instead of watching kill tony this is you want to say a fond farewell to the millions of people that believed in us for a long time. William, you might have to start rowing again, buddy. Yeah, I have to. Yeah. Do you think, I noticed that three weeks ago you stopped rowing. Three weeks ago was also about the same timeline as that one show that you did. Do you think Do you think Do you think there's any correlation to you stopping working out, birds flying into your windows?

1:53:20Brian Redban:Do you think there's any correlation between what is being considered, you know, a very viral moment for you and all of these things. Birds flying into your windows. Owls. He's tearing up. He's tearing up. No, he's not. Oh, my God. He's tearing up. Are you trying to make yourself cry? Some witchy bitch. Put a spell on you, Will. William, are you trying to make yourself cry right now? Some witch bitch. William, don't try to make yourself cry. This is a first in the history of the show. William has never gone to acting school. He's never taken an acting class. He's never talked to an acting coach.

1:54:04Brian Redban:And he's trying to make himself cry. I was really crying the other morning, Tony. Tell us why you were crying. No. Come on. It's okay. You tell us. No. Come on. No. I could never. Not in this situation. No. All right. Fine. Yeah. Well, the world... What the fuck? No! You stupid asshole. Somebody kill this guy! Oh, there it is, William Montgomery. This has been another episode of Kill Tony. Brought to you by ExpressVPN and Shopify. The Moody Center is New Year's Eve. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Ooh, a Timmy no-breaks. Look at that. guys make sure you listen to the harland highway podcast with harland williams uh harland anything else you want to plug you're on tour uh i'm on tour i'm doing uh theaters with the killers that kill tony and in uh 2026 i will be doing my own comzilla comedy tour all over the country check out harlanwilliams.com.

1:55:12And lastly, my new movie that I wrote and directed called Wingman is coming out in 2026. Keep your eyes open for it. It's going to be great. Harlan directed

1:55:22Brian Redban:and wrote the movie. It is incredible. Nick Rochefort, ladies and gentlemen, is on the Scuffed Real Tour. Tell them where they can get tickets for that. You can get tickets at shamanicshouse.com. I appreciate it. Thank you. Head over there. Buy antiques and buy tickets to a comedy show like a weirdo. He really does have his own very successful antique store. It is cool as hell. Check out Shamanix House. C-H-A-M-O-N-I-X House on Instagram and the website. Thank you to ExpressVPN and Shopify and Redband. Check out SunsetStripATX.com Love you guys. We did it again. One more time. Moody Center. New Year's Eve.

1:56:06Brian Redban:It's your last chance to see a Kill Tony live in 2025. Thank you, live audience. We'll see you guys again soon. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody.

1:56:40Thank you.

1:57:22The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

1:58:051401-G slack-calfet.com Thank you.

1:58:40Thank you.