#748 - ARI MATTI + EHSAN AHMAD

21:28christmas is around the corner i know i know i'm better i'm better at writing them than delivering them to be honest but i mean i just wanted to get a job doing something that i actually enjoy and you know so that's why i'm here but i still i know i need practice i should hit more open I've just been working a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Working at what? A guy just the other week said he works at, what should I say it? Will I get in trouble? I don't know. I don't know what you're about to say.

21:59Brian Redban:You could be anything. I work at a hotel and resort type deal. A hotel and resort here in Austin. Here in Austin. Okay. And is that, are you having fun doing that? You know, it's a job. Pays the bills. I don't love it. It's not my dream. What's your love life like, Luke? I actually have a girlfriend, and we just did our three-month anniversary. Three-month anniversary. There's grown men cracking up at that.

22:30Brian Redban:Wow. So what is the one? You've got yourself in a trap, buddy. If you have her counting on the 27th or whatever being a special day every month. Well, I figured that, like, if I turned, you know, 37 and I'm still, like, I'm trying to become a comedian, then that might be, like, a red flag. But 26, you still got some room to, you got some wiggle room. What does this have to do with your... Well, I didn't hear what you said. How did you know? So, like, you said that you just celebrated. So you just answered a random question? Yeah. You know, if in 11 years this isn't working out, well, that's why I did it.

23:09Brian Redban:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So, Luke. I hear them sleigh bells. All right. So, Luke, you said that you just celebrated your three-month anniversary. Yes. How did you know it was your three-month anniversary? What date does that land on? Oh, the 29th. Okay. So, I was close, by the way. So, how did that start? You started dating on the 29th. Did you ask her, like, you were like, you want to be my steady girlfriend? Yeah. And that happened three months ago on the 29th. Three months ago on the 29th. So then after a month, you're like, oh, shit, it's the 29th. I got to do something special for her. She definitely reminded me.

23:44Brian Redban:Okay, so what did you do on the 29th, your first anniversary? This is very exciting. I bought her a necklace. Oh, my God. One month, that's all it takes? Four weeks of trickery to get a necklace from you? I know, I know. Four weeks of straight trickery, ladies. You get a necklace out of this fucking guy. All you have to do is... It was on sale. Well. My favorite part of that was listening to all the men in the audience slowly start to lose respect. Oh, yeah. Exactly. Oh, yeah. Exactly. What little they had left. Okay. So let me ask you this. This is the huge million-dollar question. What did you do for her on the two-month anniversary?

24:24Brian Redban:What some people would call the paper anniversary. Or perhaps the yarn anniversary. You've heard of these gold, diamonds, silver, platinum. This would be the yarn anniversary. The two-month. Normally it is a string of yarn. What did you do on the two-month anniversary? Argued. Ah, hell yes. Looks like that necklace wasn't on sale quite enough. That's true. Do you bring your girlfriend to the open mics too? No. You're scared they're going to steal her? Yeah. Definitely. Okay. Here's the billion-dollar question the world wants to know, Luke, the three-month anniversary just passed a couple days ago.

25:08Brian Redban:What did you do on the three-month anniversary? There's this cool Texan guy like, come on, Luke. We're rooting for you, buddy. This guy's rooting for you right now. What did you do for her on the three-month anniversary, a.k.a. the oxygen anniversary?

25:26Brian Redban:Argued. Really? Is this true? No, I mean, I don't remember. What did we do on the three-month anniversary? We probably went for a walk. Wow. I don't know. Okay. What have you guys argued about the most? Just tell the truth. This is the vulnerable, compelling part of the interview. That's what makes this show different. I'm like, well, I grew up like super religious. So I'm just trying to like go into like the real world and date like regular people. So I'm having trouble with. explain to us exactly what you mean by that be very specific how religious i mean it's your argument that you got into so you will know the answer to this question you don't want to i don't want to say too much come on it's okay well i mean just like she'll understand you're on a big show my sisters had to wear skirts past the knee so yes you know and the only great there's a guy booing skirts below the knee right now.

26:26So, you know, I'm like, on her Instagram, there's bikinis. What's her Instagram? What is it?

26:34Brian Redban:Red Bam wants to know the answer. Jealous. Be careful, Red Bam might invite you to the secret show. You know, there's, I mean, there's a whole bunch of, yeah, I don't know. When she goes, I went to like a super small Christian school, and then she goes to a big school, a lot of anyway what did that lady say what mormon or amish that's what she said it was independent fundamental baptist oh my god jesus christ so you only want to use the back door yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly wow yes amen wow so what types of things what's the most religious thing you ever had to do Is that really how long I've been interviewing this fucking guy?

27:22Brian Redban:Jesus. Well, I mean, I grew up going to church Wednesday, Sunday morning, Sunday night, and then the school was part of the church. So anyone that, like, wasn't really involved in the church was, like, an outsider. So any time I would even, like, I'm going to the grocery store, I'm thinking, like, those people are, like, lost people. And the goal is to tell the recruit. recruit them. And you would go up to them and you'd be like, how old's your home? Exactly, exactly, exactly. How old's your church? Wow, that is crazy, Luke. So what do your parents think about you dating for three months? What you seem to think is a straight up hooker.

28:09Yeah, exactly, exactly. Actually, I...

28:13Brian Redban:She's a whore! By the way, that exactly you just said is what's going to get you in trouble. I know. That's going to be the part right there. But it was funny. Everyone enjoyed it. There's no four-month anniversary. No, yeah. No four-month anniversary. But we'll see. We'll see. Actually, they met her. I brought her home with me for a wedding. What did she wear? Not enough. Wow. Look at that. Well, Luke, a very compelling interview. Welcome to the art form of stand-up comedy. Here's a little joke book. You're four months in. Sign up again, Luke. Congratulations. old lucky luke getting up four months into his youthful career barely practices oh my god that sound can only mean one thing make some noise for the lovely heidi everybody brilliant smart beautiful charismatic tits

29:11Brian Redban:tits who loves tits there you go All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. We've seen him before. It's been a while. Make some noise for Charles Adams Jr., everybody.

29:32Let's go, Texas! Texas! And you! Yeah, they fucked up my parlay, though. I kind of had them winning. I ain't gonna lie. Yo, man. Man, my brother's getting married next week to a woman. A black woman.

29:57Shut your bitch ass up, man. What the fuck? All right, yeah. Took me a whole two days to write that joke. Motherfucking big ass fuck. Damn. Anyway, we went to the motherfucking bachelor party the other night, and I got real wasted. I ain't gonna lie. The dancer was dancing, and I went to give her$20 and I threw up on a... I mean, I threw up on a pussy but I caught it in my mouth and I squirted in her pussy.

30:32I don't give a fuck. You know how I look. I look like I get fired from a lot of jobs, right? So one time I was bartending and this Indian guy came up to me and said, hey, my friend, can I have a Negroni? I was like, bitch, what you call me? Hey, that's my time.

30:46Brian Redban:All right, Charles Adams Jr. Very interesting. I'm pretty sure that's assault. I'm pretty sure vomiting inside of a stripper's pussy is... $20, too. It was squirt. Wow. Is that real? No, that's a true story. What did she do? She couldn't tell because I put the$20, like... Oh, wow. I tried to cover it up. What an industry. What an amazing industry that these strippers... What strip club was this? Damn, for real? You want to know? It was Perfect Ten. Perfect Ten. Perfect Ten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was about a three. Yeah. I'm like, can I get my change back? Wow. Did they kick you out or...? No, they couldn't tell.

31:32I covered up just enough. Oh, that is... But I did sneak out, though. I did get out. That is incredible.

31:37Brian Redban:That is... I don't even know what to say about that. Just squirt. And then what did you do? Swallow the rest down or spit it out? Like, this is disgusting. Frightening. I just held it together and got out of the club. It was... Amazing. Outside, it was a different story. Amazing. Yeah. Wow. Well, your one-month anniversary is coming up any second with this woman, so it might be time to buy a necklace. Charles, you've been on the show numerous times over the past years. ever since we moved to texas man tell us how life's gone been on this well this is six times right now man it's been doing great you know yeah i'm headlining this uh-huh i'm gonna roast shit this motherfucker right what happened explain to explain to the people up my minute man how did he it up he was just like i was like shut your toilet this front row is filled with rich entitled douchebags tonight.

32:34Brian Redban:It is quite shocking. I definitely served him a couple drinks before. Probably some Negronis. Sir, if you yell one more thing out, I'm going to have him vomit on your crotch. Better get it together. Charles, anything else crazy happening in life? Tell us about it, man. I'm working security over at Cap City Comedy Club. Okay. I mean, do you have to really deal with anything? It's up at the domain. It's like a shopping center. It's been there for years. I still am yet to even walk into the place. The Cap City, it's in such an odd place in the city. Yeah, but the just, where's the restroom at, boy?

33:16Like, what the fuck? Why are you talking? They call you boy like that? They call you boy, yeah. You know what I'm saying? The domain. Yeah. Up at the domain. Just because they, like, dress like that, they fucking act stupid. To be fair, we didn't know where the restroom was. So, blah. It's right there. The handicapped restaurant is right there. Yeah, man, they fuck with me, but, you know, I'll keep it strong. I'll still get paid. I'll still help them out. Ari Matty. Guys who wear T-shirts that say sportswear are never too sporty, are they?

33:49This is a throwback.

33:52Brian Redban:This is thickums, okay? I can fit anything. I do feel like you've been gaining a little weight. Is that correct? Well, since Thanksgiving just passed, man. Oh, Jesus. You can't blame one there for 60 pounds. Yeah, that is... I'm trying to hold it together. You're supposed to cut the turkey. Fucking bitch. Does the zipper close? That's a good question. Does the zipper on your jacket close? Does the zipper close? I mean, you know, not right now. Because I'm nervous. It's like, nah, just stay open. All right. I ain't nervous. Just stay open. I gotta let people see me. You know, I got a really nice belly button.

34:27Charles, what's the craziest... You live by yourself? No, I got a roommate.

34:32Brian Redban:Okay. White boy. White boy. Two bedroom? Hell yeah. How many bathrooms? Two bathrooms. Two bathrooms. So you have your own bathroom. Yeah, my shit clean, too. Okay. Is he clean? I don't know how to go in this shit. Right. Okay, but here's a big question. What do you have in your refrigerator that would surprise us that's yours?

34:55Brian Redban:Oh, you know the answer to this. Don't try to think of a number two. We want that first one. Red Band, don't make a chicken noise. That is disrespectful. Do you have chicken in your refrigerator? I got baking soda in there. Okay. All right. Here you go. Red Band is an opportunity of a lifetime. There he is. It's only six seconds late tonight. Red Band feels slow to baking soda. He was taking bong rips tonight. That's a new thing he's been doing lately. He's bong rips before the one thing a week that he does that anybody sees. nothing more professional than vodka Red Bulls and bong rips. This is my partner here, Brian Redband.

35:36Charles gets filled with bacon fat. I know how to pick them fat. Is that what you said? Charles, what's your love life like? My who? Your love life. I mean, it's something. Oh, shit. Single, but, you know, something.

35:51Brian Redban:Something's happening. I guess it's a little complicated. Okay, what's happening exactly? Fuck that bitch. Okay. What exactly is going on there? Well, a lot of other guys are fucking that bitch. Oh, okay. Not me. How do you know that? How do you know other guys are fucking your girl? I looked in her DMs. I was like, oh, who's... You looked at her DMs? Hell yeah. I was like, damn, who's this? Meanwhile, you're puking on strippers. I was stressed. I was stressed out, man. She can't DM a couple of guys. You are puking in pussies. I was stressed out. at the perfect time. I was stressed. Take it out on somebody.

36:30Brian Redban:So how'd you end up finding her DMs? I went through her tablet. Oh my God, look at you, just looking for trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I went through her tablet. I was like, who the fuck is Tyrone, bitch? Oh, she has a tie. Yeah, yeah, they're all black. Oh, yeah. All black. Yeah, it's infuriating, isn't it? I hate it. Get you a good white boy! Fuck it. Fuck it. Let us come up. You can fuck him, but give me the money. You know what I mean? Yeah. I let her start a, what's it? Feet, the feet finder shit. Yeah, I was like, get on feet finder, baby. Are you pimping out your girl's feet? That's what I ain't gonna say it too loud.

37:12Wow. Door guy jobs don't pay that much. I'm like, yeah, she has nice feet. Wow. You're into feet? You fuck her feet?

37:27Brian Redban:I mean I sucked up a little. Hell yeah. Look at you. You're like San Quentin Tarantino over here. It's a prison and a foot fetish joke at the same time. It's impossible to do that. I just did it. To almost no laughter or applause whatsoever. No, it's okay. No, it's okay. The people online will go, wow, that crowd sucked. Anyway. Okay, so you fuck her feet sometimes. What else do you do? Oh, fuck. You're a freaky guy. Yeah, yeah. Puking in pussies, fucking feet. Damn. I be hungry, you know what I mean? I would expect. That's a little bitch. Yeah. You're into footlongs as well? Fine. Oh, my God.

38:11No.

38:11Brian Redban:All right. Yeah, that's gay. Charles, fun times. you already have a big joke book and that's set. This guy threw you off this racist That's all good. Fuck you, bitch. Sorry, Charles. I'm robbing your ass in front of this motherfucker today. This guy's going to be asking you where the restroom is right after this set. Alright, there he goes. Charles Adams Jr., ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep it moving here. These interviews are flying. Time is flying tonight. Alright, your next This bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Evan Quigley, everyone. Evan Quigley.

38:57I'm trying to undo my circumcision. They stole it. They stole it. It's gone. I think I still have enough left for a two and a half or three skin.

39:11I think that is the n-word for vaginas and queef would be the outward I love eating pussy it's like a board game or a game I never get bored of specifically it's like battleship you know C6, nothing cool, your turn

39:38Necessity, they say necessity is the mother of invention. She must have been desperate or drunk the night rollerblades were conceived. I'm not sure who the father would be in that analogy, but I'm sure he wonders whether or not his son is gay.

39:58Okay, Evan, quickly.

40:01Brian Redban:Welcome, Evan. How long you been doing stand-up, buddy? Two years. I got a DUI in the middle of it, so I wasn't allowed in like bars for open mics. You weren't allowed in bars? Yeah, I had to wear like an ankle monitor that was in my sweat for alcohol. It's crazy. You don't have to drink at the bar. No, but like if someone spilled a beer or something, I'm back in jail. You kill somebody? Hold on. It was DUI. Just a regular old DUI here in the great state of Texas? No, in the great state of Florida. Oh, so in Florida... DUIs? Yeah. Jackson? DUI capital? So, was it your first DUI? Yes. And on your first DUI, they put a strap on your ankle that could sense alcohol.

40:44Technology's crazy, man. We're in the future. How fucked up were you? I totaled my car on some train tracks. Ah. So you were, like, next to the car when they arrived? All fucked up. Yeah, I called the cops on myself, actually. Really? I was worried about the train. I was like, what if I get a terrorist charge or something for blowing up a shipment, you know, supply chains? Wow. Okay. It was dumb. It was dumb. I want to get a tape of that call. Yeah. I don't want to be a terrorist or nothing. Exactly. Wow. Our senior terrorist correspondent, the son of a... You usually have to wait until the train is there to crash into it.

41:23So that's very... Right, yeah. Be proactive.

41:26Brian Redban:So I find this so interesting. I've never heard of an alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet before. That's what it was? It was on your ankle? Yeah, and I live in a residential neighborhood, a lot of families, and I got into fitness because I couldn't drink. So I was worried about the judgment of the ankle monitor, and I would put another sock under my sock and do, like, when I'm running, like leg lifts at the stop sign so people think I'm stuck in the 80s and not like a rapist. I have no idea what you just said. I'll never be able to make that out exactly, Exactly. Even if you repeated it a thousand times, I don't think it would ever actually make sense to me.

42:01Ankle monitors are kind of cool. It was fun. They kind of put people that, you know. People would just point at me and say ankle monitor.

42:08Brian Redban:Yeah. So how long did you have to wear it for? A full year. A full year. You couldn't drink. Yeah. And you were afraid that someone would spill alcohol on your ankle so you didn't even practice comedy. I wrote. I wrote. You wrote. Okay. Yes, sir. All right. What do you do for work, Evan? I'm an arborist. I look at trees for people. I don't do anything with the trees. I just tell them that it's sick and they pay me. It's kind of a good game. Oh, like a sick tree. What is a sick tree? It's a tree with yellow leaves. You kind of thought about that, huh, didn't you? It can be sick. Are you confusing sick trees with fall?

42:48Yeah, exactly. This guy's walking around. These are a bunch of sick trees. A lot of sick trees in September. Have you noticed this?

42:55Brian Redban:business is booming. We need to take all these down. Evan, do you make good money doing that? Pretty good for like right out of college. How old are you? I'm about to turn 25, 24. 25. You're 24. I am currently.

43:15Brian Redban:Very easy question. When do you turn 25? Just out of curiosity, since you said you're about to turn 25 like a five-year-old does when they're about to turn six. I'm curious now. Same thing with the guy that had the three-month anniversary. How soon until your actual birthday? It's in January, January 2nd. Wow, it is right around the corner. You have any big plans for this big birthday of yours? No DUI this year. Are you drinking again since everything's off? A little bit. I've metered it. You've metered it? Yeah. Metered it. What do you mean by metered it? I don't let myself go crazy, you know?

43:48Like, once I start wanting to sing Pearl Jam, I stop.

43:51Brian Redban:Hmm. Ah, there you go. That's a good joke. That's better than everything you did in your set. I would make that one of your jokes. I will. Okay, there you go. Do you ever talk about wearing an ankle monitor for a year? The leg lift thing, but I don't do that one much. That's, you know, not great. I don't want to portray myself as a rapist, you know. Where are you getting rapists from? You said this twice now, and it feels like you're confessing something. No one's saying rapists. Even with his job, he was like, I don't, like, do anything with the trees. I just, like, see if they turn yellow or not, you know?

44:30Brian Redban:I don't, like, touch them or rub up against them or stare at them from across the forest for a while and then approach slowly. This tree's so weak. Yeah. You got bark, but do you bite? What do you say we branch out of here? I'm an arbor rapist. I'm not. Also a suggestion in comedy. I understand that hats can be like a comfort zone for somebody. But yeah, if you put your hat really low, people can't see your eyes. And your eyes are the window to the soul. And it's really hard to relate. Sometimes guys will put the hat really low. It kind of sits. It's better. Do you always wear a hat? Always, yeah.

45:14Yeah. Maybe put it a little higher, you know? Yeah.

45:17Brian Redban:Hide the fact that you're a rapist. Oh, there it is. It's very clear. All of a sudden, it's very clear. Evan, what else do you do? Do you have any special skills or hobbies or talents or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to jump rope really well or something. I wish. I try to sing. I've been trying to get out to do karaoke more and see if it's a talent. It's not. Yeah, no, it's not. What else? What's in your pocket, front pocket? Heavy, heavy, heavy pocket. Oh, that's my joke book. Okay. Yeah, I didn't want to. Nobody saw that. Nobody wants to see it. Yeah. This is my hobby.

45:59Brian Redban:What else? There must be something else. You collect anything? Are you a fan of anything at all? I'm a fan of a lot of music. I like Rush. The band Rush a lot. Okay. I'm trying to get into movies. I watched Jackie Brown recently. Oh, you just watched that for the first time? Yeah. Amazing. That's the only movie D Madness likes he just said. Hell yeah. Have you seen it? Hey. Here we go. D Madness just said, it's about time. As in, you finally said something funny. He'll get you. You try to make fun of D Madness, he'll get you. But there are some movies that you like listening to, and you can just kind of digest it on D.

46:44Brian Redban:I love that. Are there any other ones? that you can think of? Like, the color purple? Huh? Death Warrant. Okay. Jean-Claude Van Damme. That's interesting that an action movie. I find that all so intriguing. Isn't that interesting? You just liked hearing men grunt and stuff? Definitely not. If there's anyone I know for a fact that doesn't like hearing men grunt, it's our famous resident homophobe, D-Madness, who hates everything gay. I like hearing you get their ass whooped. He likes hearing other men getting their ass whooped. Death warrant, ladies and gentlemen. All right, Evan. Well, you were here.

47:29Brian Redban:Here's a little joke book. Congratulations. You got pulled tonight, Evan Quigley. We go on and on, ladies and gentlemen. This looks like a new name here. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Alexa Irizarry, everybody. Alexa, here is Zeri.

47:50I had a great Thanksgiving this year. I found a Native American guy on Tinder. I celebrated the traditional way by giving him syphilis. It's hard to date as a trans person because here's the thing. Straight men view trans women the same way they view Taco Bell. They want it when they're drunk. They're ashamed of what it does to their asshole.

48:22Dude, I love fucking with straight guys, because sometimes they don't realize I'm trans. You know the name for those type of people? Retarded. So sometimes they'll come up to me, and they'll be like, yo, can I buy you a drink? And I look them dead in the eyes, and I'm just like, nah, man, I ain't fucking gay. You the man weirdo with that fat shit on this show, right?

48:48Hell yeah, brother. You did it, man. It sucks. I can't turn that voice off. Oh, I can't. That's the sound that comes out when I orgasm. Thank you, guys.

49:02Brian Redban:Holy shit. Alexa Irizarry showing the boys and the girls how to do it tonight. Yes. Absolute dominance. Welcome. Thank you so much, brother. This is like looking in a mirror or something like that. It is crazy. It's my arch nemesis. It's like my Venom. This is my Venom. It's Venom Hinge Clip. I love it. Alexa, how long have you been doing stand-up? About five years. That's awesome. See what I mean? We're the same. Five years. Where at? I started in Cleveland, Ohio. Oh, nice. Look at that. That's where you're born and raised? Yeah, I think I opened for you at one of the glory holes at the truck stops in Warren.

49:45Oh, okay.

49:46Brian Redban:There you go. I've been performing at a lot of truck stops. This is true. Guilty as charged. Welcome, Alexa. This is absolutely incredible. So five years. How long have you lived in Austin? About four years. Four years. What made you move to Austin four years ago? Comedy? No, I was actually working in construction sales because I got fired from doing porn. Oh, my goodness. How did you get fired from doing porn? Well, here's the thing. This is the only thing I learned from doing porn. I am bad at sex. Okay. I know this because they flew me into the shoot. They flew me in on Delta. They flew me back in spirit.

50:23Oh, my God.

50:31Brian Redban:This is amazing. So you only did it once? No, I shop for... The company is called Groobie. It used to be called She-Mail Strokers. You probably know what it is. But... By that tracksuit! Oh, that's all I'm saying. But no, it used to be called She-male strokers, but they thought the name was offensive. Again, there goes resident homophobe, D-Madness. I've seen enough of this shit! D-Madness was like, how many people are doing a set? This bitch... This bitch... This bitch... This bitch... This bitch me sounding like Death Warren.

51:12Brian Redban:Sean Clark Van Damme, what the fuck is going on in there? Oh, my God. Wow. Okay, so you did a lot of porn shoots. Yeah, because back then, like, trans people couldn't get... Because I, like, transitioned BC, and for y 'all good Christians, that means before Christ. For trans people, it means before Caitlyn. Okay, so you're a throwback. You're, like, back when trans people used to get, like, bullied and stuff. I know, and that's, honestly, I loved it because I can only cum when being called a f***er. Perfect. One more thing that you and I have in common. Absolutely amazing. This is incredible. I've met my match here today.

51:57Brian Redban:Fuck Gatelyn, you're an icon. I love it. Yeah. This is amazing. So, Alexa, what surprised you about shooting porn? um honestly uh probably the biggest thing uh that surprised me is uh that the the guy will fuck you not on camera and they get really offended if you don't fake orgasms off camera the same way you do on camera off camera so like when you say fake orgasms you mean like moaning because i don't like sex explain what you mean by that i i don't i've been raped too many times to like sex. I've been raped so many times I bought my mom a t-shirt. It says, my son got raped four times. All I got was a daughter.

52:40Brian Redban:Oh my god. Did the... Brought to you by... I don't think now's the time to play the Netflix sound effect. We may have just lost our contract right then. Let me ask you this. Did the guy that raped you, did he up in a comment on how yellow the trees were getting right beforehand? He was only focused at how yellow my teeth were getting. Okay, all right. That's a wild answer. Alexa. Alexa. So you literally don't like sex? No, I don't. The only thing I ever liked in the bedroom was one time my ex-boyfriend got on top of me, put my legs over my head, and then he died of a heroin overdose. While trying to have sex with you?

53:21Yeah, pretty much. I'm from Ohio. You know how it is.

53:24Brian Redban:Yes, a lot of people do die from heroin overdoses, especially in Northeast Ohio. I'm six years sober from meth and heroin, though. Okay. All right. The energy is still there. It stays with you. How did you get sober? What helped you get sober? Honestly, him dying, to be quite honest. Oh, okay. I remember that's actually kind of why I started doing comedy, because one time I was digging through a trash can while I was on meth at our dealer's house, because, you know, on meth. and John Mulaney's special New in Town was playing in the background wow this is the gayest part of your whole set this is incredible that's when you know you have to get your life together no but yeah so I was like I want to do that one day and he was like you're not funny so then I was like I want to prove him wrong you know so now he's dead now he's looking up at you from wherever he is thinking, wow, she really did it.

54:29Brian Redban:So, other than him dying, was there things that you did to fill that gap of meth and heroin to what seems to be the most addictive things in the world? Probably, well, besides cock. No, just kidding. But no, I'll just count. I got back into what I was doing before I did all that. I started college at 16. I studied Russian language and Mandarin. I was into politics. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was younger. Can you say things in Russian and Mandarin? Oh, shit. Shit, looks like someone's gonna have a pierogi in his ass later.

55:13Brian Redban:You're about to get a little potato filling up there, huh? Oh, my goodness. Multiple languages. Good at comedy. It's almost like you have the brain of a...

55:28wow this is amazing wow i love the energy you came out with by the way you took over the stage beautiful job holy

55:37Brian Redban:it is incredible clearly you are made to do this uh my goodness so how do you make money now alexa um i have an only fans okay uh not going well i only have one subscriber All right. Yep, I pay good money for that. Wow. Where can people find your OnlyFans? You'll probably get more now if you want to promote it. Yeah, JasmineSteel7 on OnlyFans, StreamMate, and StripChat. There you go. Redband just made multiple accounts.

56:13Brian Redban:Okay. So, Alexa, tell us, What else would surprise us about being trans in Texas? You've been here for four years. Is there anything else that you deal with? Do you make a good cup of coffee? I've noticed that trans people make the best baristas. Do you drink coffee? No, those are the non-binary. Okay, good to know. I don't know the difference. You can tell by the purple color hair and the annoyingness in their voice. I like that. So you're kind of anti-trans. No, yeah, no. I think it's a mental illness, to be quite honest. Yes. Keep going. Keep going. You're about to become the next president of the United States.

56:53Brian Redban:Just keep the momentum going. Holy shit. Keep telling us you're very close. You could win the 2028 election if you just keep... I just found out you've been booked on Joe Rogan Experience. The Texans in the front are literally like, I'll vote for that bitch. This is amazing. Amazing, Alexa. So you did become, when did you start to feel like a woman? When in your life? The first time my dad's dick was inside me. Your actual father? No, I mean, I'm from Cleveland. You think I know my actual father? I don't know anymore. Honestly, it is one of those things. I do think it's a mental illness. It was from probably my earliest memories, I remember.

57:34I would always put on my mom's dress, hiding in her closet, you know, things like that whenever she was at work. So just from my earliest memories. And then at the time, you had to wait until you were 18 to do it. So just the minute I turned 18, I started hormones.

57:46Brian Redban:Amazing. What did your mom say about that when that happened? Well, she said, I don't want to live with a freak. And then she kicked me out for a little bit. But she's come around. Honestly, she's one of my biggest supporters. And I love my mom more than anything else. Oh, that's amazing. I love that. Alexa, so fun. Anything else for Alexa? You're a star. I love it. Thank you so much. Yeah. Sometimes people think it's always like too late to start stand up, when to start stand up, but you lived such a full life that now you have perspective to tell it, and it's awesome, and it shows. Thank you so much.

58:18I really appreciate that. Seems like you're, yeah, Asan. And just the straight-up rollercoaster that this whole experience was with you. Yeah. From the set being like that, to fucking I got raped, to I'm off heroin, to the guy died inside of me, to you could be president, to my dad raped me, and like, it's been like, just amazing. They're shitting on people with purple in their hair and you have purple in your hair. There's just a touch of purple back there. There's a little bit back there. You are a, you are a pure entertainer. So funny. So haram. I love it. Hell yes.

58:54Brian Redban:Alexa, sign up again. Pretty please. Let's see if you can catch this joke book. Oh shit. Got it. Unbelievable. She catches like a man, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of Alexa Irizarry, everybody. Isn't that something? Well, we have momentum, ladies and gentlemen, and your next comedian is one of the newest, most prolific regulars in the show's entire history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the dark storm of Atlanta. This is Dedrick Flynn.

59:41Kill Tony. I ate an edible the other day and I started watching The Blind Side. What the fuck is that movie? Nobody ever told me this movie's gonna be bullshit when I started it. You seen The Blind Side? You know what I'm talking about? So all The Blind Side was supposed to be about was this dude named Michael Orr. He's a real person and he played football, but he was a homeless teen in Memphis, and he got adopted by a white family, and they get a nigga white privilege, and he made it to the NFL, all right? And that's a beautiful movie, all right? That's a beautiful movie. That is the sequel to Remember the Titans.

1:00:19It's got football and America. Everybody can come together. And then somebody in Hollywood was like, let's make this nigga retarded. Right? I don't even like using that word, all right? I don't even like using that word, but they made that nigga retarded. They made it for no reason. Let me tell you, the first scene where he get adopted by Sandra Bullock, right? He get adopted by Sandra Bullock. She walk him into the house. They walk him up the stairs, and they walk him into a bedroom. And he goes, what's that? And then Sandra Bullock says, it's a bed. That nigga know where the bed is. That nigga know where the bed is.

1:00:57I've got so many retarded, all the fucking specialties. Them niggas go to sleep. They know where they're going to sleep. Crackheads make bads out of anything. This nigga know what a bad is. Then later on in the movie, later on in the movie, just to make sure you know this nigga is dumb as fuck and it's not a real, he's not dumb. He made it, he's doing good. He made a lawsuit against it and won it just recently. They, this is the way they fucking did it. They said, hey, hey, Sandra Bullock, your new son that you brought to this private school to play football, we gave him these tests to see where he's at.

1:01:34They say you got a zero in math, zero in science, zero in social studies, zero in everything. But don't worry. He scored 100 % in protective instincts. That's not a test they give humans.

1:01:51Who got the highest protective inscan - that's the shit they give the canines to become police dogs.

1:02:01I'm done.

1:02:03Brian Redban:Dedrick Flynn with a new two-minute, 20-second set as only our regulars get to do. Very powerful. the dark storm has arrived welcome back dedrick good to have you back buddy god i fucking miss it i had a good time in atlanta but that whole monday i was like i was so used to coming out here yeah from doing it like week to week i couldn't wait to fucking get back dude this is so fuck this this club is fucking gorgeous this fucking stage the band everybody's so fucking good y 'all don't know what it feels like to walk out here but it is better than drugs i used to sell them all right i used to sell them so i know what they do and it doesn't do this all right this shit is fucking great i love fuck yeah perfect analysis it is true mondays are weird without the show once you're once you're part of this thing mondays are really weird for red ban and i if we ever ever randomly have a monday what like seven times maybe six times in 12 years oh yeah Yeah, that we take one off, but we back tape those episodes so that we can take a Monday off if we ever want to take...

1:03:11Brian Redban:Oh, look at this. Look who sensed a straight man on stage. Here he is, D Madness. He heard the blind side and like, they're talking about me?

1:03:25A saw, a ma.

1:03:28Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Did you hear what I did about you?

1:03:38Brian Redban:So, Dedrick, welcome back. Ari, Matty, this is a co-regular of yours. Dedrick, you know what I'm about to say. How crazy is it that the day you became a regular, both of our personal Facebooks reminded us that we were at an open mic together seven years ago on that day. How crazy is that? Same day, October 27th. And I remember that open mic that it was horrible. For you. It was. By the way, he's right. I smashed that bit. By the way, you're right, because I remember you killed it. It's just funny how in comedy you meet somebody, and then I didn't see you for... I didn't even know you live in Austin.

1:04:24And I saw you at sunset. I just wasn't sure it's you. Because we never really talked, and then you became a regular. So that shows what happens if you just stay persistent and keep writing and keep pursuing your dream. So that's awesome. That is true.

1:04:36Brian Redban:I mean, imagine if he would have started and been scared that people were just going to steal his jokes so he didn't perform that often at all. You sent me a great message, and that made me real happy, like the same night that you sent it, and I saw you because it was on your Facebook, so I didn't get the message, and you saw me. Actually, the whole Kill Tony mafia family has been fucking great to me. actually last Monday I was at David Lucas' house filming his fishing podcast. This nigga is rich as fuck. Dave Lucas is the fucking black Georgia Tony Soprano. His house just got shit in it for no reason and he fat.

1:05:18Brian Redban:He definitely is fat. Is that a new grill I'm seeing there? He different now. I'm doing good. I'm doing good. I got the Kill Tony tattoo that I got. I told you that I got that. I sent it to you. I got my date that I got made a regular. This shit is fucking fantastic. I'm making so much money. I bought my mama Uber from Augusta, Georgia to Atlanta, Georgia on Thanksgiving. Darren Beck, I'm doing good. I couldn't pay to fix the car. I always love to see it. I always love to see the come up. You know, when we first had Cam Patterson on, he said, I'll never stop wearing sweatpants and white t-shirts and sandals.

1:06:00Brian Redban:That shit ended like three weeks later. He hasn't worn it since. When David Lucas became a regular, he also got a new grill. It was a George Foreman, and he made everybody grilled cheeses. He got terrible teeth, too. David Lucas does? Yeah, David Lucas got bad teeth, but he cooked good. Okay. Wait, did you just add another layer of grill? Did you just do like a magic trick or something? Well, here's the thing is, Tony, I'm not gonna lie to you. I already talked to the man. We was working on this song that we want to do right now for Kill Tony. Right now. We're gonna debut it right now. Okay. All right.

1:06:39Okay. Oh, shit. Hey, yo, Mike, give it to me.

1:06:49Brian Redban:How about a hand for Dedrick Flynn? I came up on the Monday just to kill Tony. I showed up on the Monday just to kill Tony. I'm making blue facts, that's on Red Band I'm making blue stats, that's on Red Band I'm making foreign money, I gotta call to Ari My pocket's looking good, you can call him hottie Yeah, my pocket's fat, David Lucas Yeah, my pocket's fat, I'm talking David Lucas Yeah, my pocket's fat, I'm talking David Lucas First pull, first round regular

1:07:27I show up on a Monday just to kill Tony Let me hear yo Turn a door that is good light Lucas. I'm talking fast and I'm talking David Lucas.

1:07:57Brian Redban:Wow. That's amazing. I'm so glad you did a song. I thought you were going to rob everybody for a second. No, I'm doing good now, Tony. Y 'all niggas is lying online. I love it. Y 'all, they try to slander me. Cut the mic. There it go. When I got this tattoo, they tried to slander me. They said, why would you do that? I said, nigga, if your bank count look like Heidi, you would feel just like me. Oh my god. I love it. Tedrick, you are absolutely killing it. Ari, what do you think about this guy? They do love grills in Atlanta. Yeah, you will with me. Atlanta is the only place where I've seen a sign that says grills on happy hour.

1:08:37Yeah. I didn't know grills was a decision that you just walk past and see a sign and they're like, ah, I'll be like that. There's a lot of white people ain't here. These gold teeth are called grills.

1:08:56I know you was looking at me like, I got a green egg. I got a green egg. I got a green egg. That's how you talk? Is that how he talks? Because I can look at him and tell him.

1:09:09Brian Redban:Yes, it is. He hasn't been able to shut up all night. He is so retarded that he didn't know what a bed was. Let's put it that way. Dedrick, you are absolutely the man. Welcome back. We'll see you again next week. The unstoppable force that is Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. And back to the bucket we go. We have a one-word name. This is always interesting. It's either usually great or horrible. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Mitch, everybody. Here comes Mitch.

1:09:51Brian Redban:All right. One more time for Mitch, everybody.

1:09:58As y 'all can tell, I'm used to pulling out. So, yeah. My name's Mitch. It's like bitch, but with an M. That was my nickname all throughout school. And then finally, I moved out of my dad's house. Yeah, he taught me that my name was, my nickname was a hand-me-down from my mom, right? But it's cool because my mom taught me that my nickname, or that my dick, is a hand-me-down from my dad. Because it's small. Yeah, my bad. Just a little nervous. We got this though, boys and girls.

1:10:42Speaking of which, I don't have much luck with the ladies. so I don't know why but my parents could decide on one thing and it was that I needed a hat so they went ahead and went with the blue shoe hat right and I was like mom, dad, how's that gonna help me get laid and they're like well because you know women will read it and get super horny and then wanna fuck ya I was like how dumb do you think they are and they're like if they're fucking my son dumb enough thank you guys

1:11:12Brian Redban:alright Mitch let's talk about it how long you've been doing stand-up um about two and a half years where at uh san marcus and then i moved to austin but i started having seizures so it's like oh shit why'd you start having seizures i think it's from gabapentin uh what i was prescribed it what is that exactly for me it was a nerve blocker for uh i got my back blown out okay Tony someone else has something in common with yeah this is amazing okay how did you blow out your back arguably from the army okay but so I didn't it wasn't while I was in things it was a little bit afterwards it just kind of happened but it was a herniated disc and that was most likely from the army and then it pinched my sciatica nerve so then that's like a nerve that goes all the way down your leg.

1:12:12Yep. So like I can't feel half my toes. Right now? Yeah, at all. Yeah. Okay. Since 2023.

1:12:19Brian Redban:Since 2023. And that's how long you've been on this medicine? Yeah, and then I stopped taking it in July. Of this year? For my 28th birthday. Yes. Because I made it past 27. Uh-huh. Okay. A lot of grown men celebrating their weird birthdays in this episode. Well, 27 Club. Okay. If it can happen to them, it can happen to me. Oh, shit. The most innocent human on the stage, Matt Muelling, every once in a while, strikes. He has no mercy for people that have a lot of seizures. Yeah, you don't get into the 27 Club by being a random fag.

1:13:05Brian Redban:So you stop taking that medicine, And then how soon after did the seizure start? Like two weeks. Okay. Yeah. And then what's that like? I don't know. But the girl that was with me left me, like in a puddle of my own blood and piss. Why were you in a pile of blood? You hit your head or something? No, bit my tongue. Oh, shit. Yeah, I was like... And she just left you like that? She smoked my... Yeah. And then... She what? She smoked my weed. That's legal in Austin, Texas. and then I left. Yeah, she was high and you're freaking the fuck out on the floor. No, it was right in the morning, so I was in bed.

1:13:44Yeah. You hadn't smoked yet?

1:13:46Brian Redban:No, I just, I was asleep and then I guess the sun triggered it. When you say that it's legal in Austin, you just mean regular weed. You're making a joke. Or it's with some kind of weird Delta 8 or something? Well, I have family that I'm going to hopefully have watch this that are in different states and I don't want them to look down upon me. You think that you smoking marijuana once in a while is going to be what? Not the blue chew hat. Right.

1:14:16Brian Redban:All right. I mean, okay. So you're sure that you had the seizure? She smoked your pot after that? I'm positive I had the seizure. But I mean, you're positive that she smoked pot after? She told me. She said, yeah, I left you. I smoked some pot and then I left. Yes, she said that my cat, Timothy, was going, Meow, help! Like, asking her. Like, I'm not even... I have text messages. She woke... The cat, Timothy. Yeah. Timid-thee. What? Like, timid-thee, courageous cat. Like, courage is a cowardly dog. Am I having a seizure? I was just gonna say, it is crazy. Are you having a seizure right now? I smell burnt toast.

1:15:06Brian Redban:Okay. All right. Okay. Let's just skip this. What did you do in the army? I was a forward observer, 13 Fox. What exactly does that mean? Fire support specialist. So, like, I would get grid coordinates for field artillery and then send it to field artillery so they would shoot it. To Palestine? No. No, this was back in 2016 to 2020. Does me sitting here give you some sort of PTSD? All of it. Amazing. What do you do now, Mitch? How do you survive? I'm with VA disability. Got it. I'm actually looking for a job right now, but it's hard because I can't drive for another until the end of this month.

1:15:47Why?

1:15:48Brian Redban:Oh, because of seizures. Yeah. Have you figured it out? When's the last time you had your last seizure? Three months ago. Okay. And what exactly happens? Is there something that tends to give you a seizure? No, it's always whenever I'm waking up. Interesting. And how many do you think you've had? Four. Four? Yeah. Do you always bite your tongue and leave a mess? Yeah. Wow. How long do they last? Anywhere between, like, from what I'm told, a minute to three minutes. Okay. Yeah. But I think it's from gabapentin. Doctors don't. So it's up in the air. Ooh, interesting. So this is an interesting thing.

1:16:30Brian Redban:the doctors are defending the big pharmaceutical company directly to your face. But you never had a seizure before that, and you had one two or three weeks after quitting the medicine. Right. And they'll defend it all the way. Right. Interesting. I'm not a conspiracy theorist. Me neither. Me neither. But I find that also interesting. Things are coincidental. Yes. Okay. So, Mitch, give us another fun fact about your life. I used to work at a helicopter company. What happened to you? Not as the pilot or anything. I was a photographer. Okay. Yeah, so I'd take photos of the people that were going on the helicopter.

1:17:12It's just south on 35. Okay. Yep.

1:17:16Brian Redban:All right. All right. What's your love life like now, Mitch?

1:17:24Brian Redban:Single. Okay. You live by yourself? Yeah, I lived by myself with my cat. Your cat, Timid Thee III or whatever the fuck. Timid Thee, courageous cat. How long have you had this cat? Three and a half years. I got him whenever my back got blown out. That sounds so fucked up. I know, the phrasing is fucked up. Got my back blown out. When you get a seizure when you're having sex, would it cause infinite energy? so

1:18:02because if a girl gets a seizure while I'm banging it's pretty hot some people are into that so after they found out about it I've woken up with them like just flashing light in my eyes at night damn yeah I had my first blue shoe in Mexico oh really

1:18:24Brian Redban:is it a brown shoe okay what was that like crazy first time i've ever had you ever had a dick pill lesson nope yeah it's like um i don't even know how to continue life without it like maximum potential all times wow after coming still the vein is out when you woke up after that first night were you wearing that jumpsuit that you're in All right. Well, Mitch, anything else crazy about your life we should know about?

1:19:02Okie dokie. I really like the Lime scooters, and I've been getting back into religion and feeling like everything happens for a reason, and I feel like the seizures were a good thing that happened low-key because it taught me how to get out more and how to be more productive using the things around me and not be anxious.

1:19:24Brian Redban:I like that. Good answer. Keep writing. Keep signing up. It'll get better, Mitch. Here's a medium-sized joke book. There you go. There goes Mitch, everybody. All right. Sometimes interviews just go back to seizures and the cat every once in a while. Is that thing in there good and deep, Heidi? Now it is. Very good. The old tape the microphone. The old taping the microphone. Just how it all started in the beginning. Twelve and a half years ago, we were taping our microphones together. And now look, back at our roots. One of the biggest shows in the world. And we have red duct tape. That's how you know we made it.

1:20:10Brian Redban:Back when we first started, we just had regular old black duct tape. Okay. You guys still having fun out there? Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Sancho Pancho Villa. Sancho Pancho Villa.

1:20:33A lot of people can't tell by looking at me, but I am a veteran. I used to let the crowd guess what branch I was in, but with every guess, my feelings kept getting hurt more and more, so I'll just tell y 'all I actually served six years in high school JROTC I'm just kidding I'm just kidding I was only high school for four years no I should also mention after high school I went and served in the Marine Corps for four years let's go hurrah yeah I was 5 '3 when I went in and then I came out at 5 '1 so I lost two inches where it really mattered there's a lot of disadvantages to being short, but some advantages to being short in the Marines.

1:21:16For instance, when I would walk through fields with tall grass, I didn't have to worry about snipers anymore. I would, however, have to keep my eyes peeled in the sky for, like, hawks. Or other large birds. Crazy story, a hawk actually tried to pick me up one time. It got, like, a foot and a half off the ground before dropping me. I guess even Mother Nature was like, eh, too much cholesterol. Thank you. I'm Sancho Pancho Villa.

1:21:41Brian Redban:Sancho Pancho Villa, I got to tell you, dude, you are one of the most adorable things I've ever seen in my entire life. I didn't know that baked potatoes could do comedy. This is absolutely adorable. How old are you? 31. 31 years old. Have you ever accidentally... You look like you would accidentally roll down a hill or something like that. Do you roll? You're ball-shaped. Yeah, whenever ice is over in Texas, I got to be careful. it's like very easy for me to be top heavy. You have to be scared of two kinds of ice. That's incredible. Sancho Pancho Villa. Absolutely amazing. Did the kids used to bully you and make you a soccer ball at any point?

1:22:26Brian Redban:Nah, most of the kids in my high school were the same height as me at that time, so. Amazing, amazing. So what do we call you? Are you considered a, what are you? What are you? I'm just a regular 5 '1 Mexican, man. Okay, all right. I guess it's like, I guess it's the width that kind of makes it, kind of makes you. More compact looking. Yeah, you seem a little, a little, a little, oh, there's Red Band. It's also my eyes, my eyes. You guys are shaped the same, he's just slightly taller than you. Old Sancho Pancho Villa over here. So tell us about your life, Sancho. Is that your real name, Sancho Pancho?

1:23:01It's a nickname, so Sancho is a term of endearment in the Hispanic community.

1:23:07Brian Redban:That's what the Mexicans laughing at you right now If you're wondering what that noise is It pretty much means side dude Side dude? Yeah, side dude Okay, why do you go by that? Well, you know, whenever I used to work out a lot And I was like more fit I used to like sleep around with like committed women Really? You mentioned this last time You're like proud of like fucking guys' wives And shit like that You can hide everywhere when they come home, huh? I can get out most average sized windows on 5 '1". Yeah. Yeah. Ah, windows. Tancho. Windows is an ongoing theme in this episode. I don't remember this from your last time.

1:23:46Brian Redban:Remind us, how many married women do you think you've slept with in your life? If you had to guess, just a ballpark. Not to be specific, but probably like 18. Wow. So this is what you're into, specifically as married women. Well, I'm not into it that much anymore. Can you fucking imagine, by the way? Can you fucking imagine? Like, what's his name? Charles Adams Jr. was mad that his lady was hooking up with Tyrone. Imagine, just for a second, imagine. You fucking, you pull into your place early from work one day. And you see this fucking human pillow crawling out of a fucking window. this Tempur-Pedic Tommaso over here.

1:24:34Brian Redban:This fucking little softy Sancho. This little fucking garbanzo. What do you think about all this? It's almost like karma took it out on him in real time.

1:24:48You're going to fuck 18 married women? 5-1.

1:24:51Brian Redban:That's the deal. You want to be a side piece? You'll be a wide piece. My goodness gracious. So when's the last time you slept with a married woman? Oh, man. Not to be specific, but probably like three months ago. Wow. So, like, where did you find this woman? Give us an example. We want to walk a day in the life of Sancho Pancho Villa. How do you fuck these women? Yeah, how do you do it, dude? The stepladder, usually. I don't know. Come on. No, give us the real tea here. I'll be, like, hanging out, you know, just, like, on the bar scene. I'm really good at, like, shooting pool. Yeah. You know, I can shoot pool really well.

1:25:25So just hanging out, drinking. And then I see someone that kind of looks heartbroken. I'm like, hey, looks like you're having a hard night. Just trying to be that lap or shoulder to cry on. It's always those guys that fuck your wife. It's never the big, handsome guy. It's always little Pancho in the corner. And they'll be like, oh, you know, just my baby daddy ain't shit. You look like a pillow to cry on. Yeah. Because, you know, it's mostly ghetto women with, like, no shit baby daddies. Yeah, you know. Wow. You a small motherfucker, huh?

1:26:03Brian Redban:So three months ago was the last one. Take us through it. Exactly what happened. You're at a pool hall? No, well, a bar with pool table. Yeah, but that one, exactly three months ago. How did you find that one? Yeah, so I was at a pool hall. Wow. And I was just, like, waiting for my turn on the table. Now, when you play pool, are you, like, visualizing being the cue ball? Yeah. I'm one with the ball, yeah. And so, yeah, and so, like, I just, like, was looking around, and, like, my buddy had gone to the restroom, and I saw some girl just kind of, like, sad at the end of the bar. And, you know, I do okay for myself monetary-wise, so I was like, you know.

1:26:41How tall is the bar that you hop on? Probably, like, to, like, we're like, eh, like a little bit. Like a little bit. like shorter than that probably like chest deep wow and so yeah i was like hey you know girl like how you doing you all right looks like you're sad and what did she say and she was just like oh you know my baby daddy be tripping and she was like oh you know he's out with my car right now and he left me here and i don't know where he's at and i was like it looks like you could use another beer like you know what are you drinking modello she was like yeah and i was like all right cool and then what so then like after a few more modelos i was like hey well i mean the bar's gonna like close soon i have a car and she was like yeah all right and so then from there we went to like a hotel and i had like tequila as well and like my cooler so like you have a little

1:27:35Brian Redban:cooler that you keep hold on a second it's not a little cooler to him it's a fridge This feels like gnome fan fiction. So you have a little cooler that you keep where? In the back seat? In the trunk? Usually behind the driver's seat because my seat's far up so it can fit behind it. Oh my god. Dream lift driver. Oh my god. So what made you get a hotel and not take her back to your place? Oh, I never take her back to my place. Because then when they make up with their baby daddy, they come clean and they're like, oh you know fucking sancho blah blah blah oh my you know like you were cheating on me so i was cheating on you with so-and-so and i can't have them coming back where does this guy live and they're like the holiday inn express exactly yeah yeah yeah holy shit so you're like a master of this craft uh yeah i mean i've been 18 times is your place big for him yeah exactly it's 400 square feet.

1:28:38Brian Redban:It's a mansion. He looks at an elevator like, damn, bro. Every room's a suite at the Holiday Inn Express. Yeah. My personal bed's a full size, but I still have to do a few rolls to get out of it. Hell yeah, absolutely. How small are you? Let me stand next to you. Yeah, let's see exactly.

1:28:58Brian Redban:Oh my god. It's like an episode of Twins, you know what I'm saying? You guys look like mascots for human trafficking. Ari, if you stand there too long, he's going to be asking you why you look so sad. Wow. Sancho Pancho Villa. I am going to give you what appears to be a... I can't remember. How was the set? Is it okay? Well, any book is big. I'm going to give you what appears to be a huge joke book. It's a massive joke book. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, Sancho Pancho Villa. All right. I'm going to pull a name out. We're going to go wrangle that person. In the meanwhile, we have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen.

1:29:44Brian Redban:Oh, my goodness, there's the lovely Heidi, everyone. All right. Hold on a second, because we have a special treat, everybody. This is this man's first time ever doing stand-up comedy. This is a new friend of ours that comes from our newfound friendship with one of the newest Texans, the great and powerful. Well, I guess we'll just get to it. We'll talk about it in the interview portion. But for now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut and his first time doing stand-up, a special treat. This is the debut of Make Some Noise for Jedi, everybody. This is Jedi.

1:30:33How are you guys doing? I am very, very nervous this evening. I've just been informed by my wife that we're expecting a child. Let me finish. We're expecting a child to come out with some serious allegations against me.

1:30:59And I think this child has a pretty strong case. I'm just kidding. I'm not married. But I would get married. I mean, I've been looking for some love out here. It just seems like the women here, you know, they're older women, you know, junior high, high. Hey, wait, wait a second. I wasn't going to tell those jokes, but I actually am looking for a woman. I'm looking for a woman. And, you know, she has to, you know, listen because I talk a lot. She also has to mix it up in the bedroom a little bit, you know, maybe start on her back, maybe move to her stomach, maybe her knees. You know, we'll see.

1:31:41Also, wow. But if I could leave you with one thing, it's just that not all middle-aged single men without children are pedophiles because a lot of us are. Thank you so much. Take it away, Red Man.

1:31:56Brian Redban:Jedi specializing in pedophilia jokes, ladies and gentlemen. Gambling it all on pedophile jokes tonight for his debut set. So Jedi, first of all, how about one more time for Jedi, everybody? Why don't you tell these fine people, Jedi, what you do for work? I work with the wonderful Mr. Woody Harrelson. Love you, brother. the great Woody Harrelson who just so happens to be a new found fan of Kill Tony and one of the coolest people in the world and you've been his stand in so when they're setting cameras and doing everything that they have to do for Woody Harrelson he doesn't have to be there for that you get to just be there yeah that's me 25 years we've been hanging out together he's basically family to me I love him so much and he's solid.

1:32:53Brian Redban:He's super solid, you cats. So, Jedi, what made you want to start stand-up here tonight? You know, it's kind of like, you need to go get on Kill Tony. I mean, I do this every day on a set with cameras in front of me, but for 25 years I've heard you need to do stand-up. You know, I'm not funny when somebody tells jokes, but, I mean, I don't know. I'm here. What great? I love it. what made you commit to purely pedophile jokes here tonight uh the force

1:33:29i'm not married no no i just saw people on set when they said hey we want to you've got to get on kill tony i had some people help me write some stuff you know i was like is it okay for other people to write jokes i mean i've done that for comics um so i just went with it you know

1:33:45Brian Redban:pocket right it is true and Jedi is the life of the party when everyone's hanging out and I'm telling you Woody and his whole crew knows how to have a lot of fun it there's an unbelievable amount of creative energy and marijuana and tequila and it turns into a lot of fun every time we hang out and you're always the life of the party and we never hear a pedophile joke then this is first time i'm finding out about about um your it's a joke dude no i know i know i know i love kids i have four nieces i love them to death they're great i i bet you uncle i bet you do jedi hey jedi just uh just for some information uh the legal age of consent in estonia 14.

1:34:35is it really and you legally have to say that in a tracksuit yeah

1:34:43Brian Redban:So Jedi, tell us, what's something crazy that you've seen out there while filming? It's got to be a crazy job. It sounds like a show that hasn't been made yet, like stand-ins. A fun fact, part of the crew is McConaughey's stand-in, and you are like buddies. You guys hang out, and you kind of look like Woody, and he kind of looks like McConaughey. Well, Henry is incredible. We make a lot of jokes about these guys all the time. It's like we're doing our own show with these cats, you know what I mean? Because it's pretty awesome. You guys are going to love the show. It's called Brothers. It's going to be on Apple TV.

1:35:23I don't have Apple TV, so I won't see it. But it's pretty fun. And these guys, I mean, I have so many stories. I don't know if I can, I mean, I guess I can say whatever I wanted, but I want to keep working. Yeah. Probably best. You know, it was a lot of standing around. You know, Woody's either playing hacky sack or looking for a coloring book or something. And Matthew's giving me statistics on a Texas football game.

1:35:50Brian Redban:I was on the sideline with them on Friday night, Texas versus Texas A &M. And it was a lot of fun. Me, those two, the governor, fucking rolling around, popping wheelies on touchdowns and shit. It was an incredible thing. Woody has the best marijuana on planet earth. Do you smoke weed? I smoke a lot of weed. I'm going to do a little plug. Woody has a store called The Woods in West Hollywood. And it's out of control. I mean, you can say there's tree houses, toy pots. I've been there. You have been there. Yeah, there's like birds and shit. Yeah. He's crazy. He got rid of two of them because Peter showed up.

1:36:29He's like, oh, you know, what are you? Yeah, these birds were all fucked up. This bird didn't know what he is, dude. He was fucking barking.

1:36:39These birds are fucked up, dude. Rio, Molly, and George. I believe we kept George, but the other birds were getting high, and then, you know, PETA shows up. All these birds are here, and, you know, we love animals, you know what I mean? But a couple of the birds were a little out of control, you know?

1:36:55Brian Redban:Amazing. How does one get into the stand-in game? I guess you just have to be cool as hell, and people have to want you to be around them. You have to have a good energy and stay positive all the time, right? Yeah, I mean, I just kind of, it was so crazy. I was working on a show called Will and Grace. I don't know if you remember that. Wow. You never saw it. You don't have a TV. Will and Grace is coming out soon. We're all behind. Oh, shit, I could go Will and Grace jokes forever, but I don't want to end my career the first night I'm on stage. We're not ending it tonight. You're just getting started, Jedi.

1:37:32But how'd you meet, how'd you get into that? I met Wood through our director, Jimmy Burrows, who created Cheers. He introduced us. He's like, you guys are going to love each other. You know, I was like the weed guy working on the show, you know. I was like, it was crazy. I don't even, like, read the scripts. Jimmy would come in, and he's like, hey, you know. Well, he's like, I want you to meet my friend. I'm like, I don't give a fuck about celebrities. He's like, I want you to meet Woody Harrelson. I'm like, I fucking love that guy. Hell, yeah. And he goes, you guys are going to be friends forever.

1:38:00Here we are 25 years later. Wow. Wow.

1:38:04Brian Redban:So you've stood in on everything. Not everything. Somebody has to water the plants. Ah. What do you mean exactly? Weed. Oh, yes. Got it. True detective. Did you do that one? I didn't do true detective. Weed. Weed. It is ridiculous weed, by the way. I have been lucky enough to smoke with all the big smokers, right? Snoop was a buddy, worked with him on and off for the last 15 years, all of them. I smoked Woody Harrelson's weed recently and I had to go for a walk, like a legit walk. In fact, I did again on Friday night. We ended up gravitating from the sideline up to McConaughey's suite. He handed me a little sneaky vape pen, which is like the size of a, I don't even know, like it was a giant vape pen.

1:38:57Brian Redban:I don't even know where it came from. I hit it twice. I handed it back. And he goes, you want to hit it one more time? And there's a part where I kind of knew I should let that settle in. But he's kind of like, come on, come on, buddy. And when Woody Harrelson's like, come on, come on, buddy. It's a little peer pressure. And I did. And then almost immediately afterwards, I'm like, OK, I'm going to go for a little walk. I'll see you guys in a little bit. And I got lost outside of Texas Stadium for about 20-25 minutes. I was outside, back inside, outside, inside. It was crazy. And I'm a grown-ass man.

1:39:33Brian Redban:And this is how good... And I smoke every single day. Continuously. Well, you're lucky you can walk. Yes. It's very tricky. So, Jedi, let me ask you this. You're definitely... You were making jokes, but what's your love life actually like? Tell us about it. You mean my rub life? What do you mean? Do you stand in for Woody on that one too? Alright Woody, she's ready to bust! Woody! What I mean is you're almost out of lotion in the green room is what I mean. I'm like this close to getting sponsored by Jerkins. Seriously. Really? What do you do? What do you, uh, you watch like porn or something when you ask?

1:40:17No, I don't have cable dude.

1:40:20Brian Redban:I live in a family dude. Do you just use your imagination? You know, it's been since June 15th. I had my first Asian taco. It was incredible. Wait, what do you mean? I mean, I slept with an Asian woman. Oh, my goodness. Why was that more gross than when you were talking about pedophilia? That was crazy. Dude, that was a joke. Asian taco. I've got writers, dude. Come on. So this Asian taco, how exactly, where did you meet this girl at? In Texas. Okay. Just the great state of Texas. Somewhere between El Paso and Corpus Christi. Yeah. You met her. Yeah. Okay. And what did you learn that day? Was that your first Asian woman that you met?

1:41:08Brian Redban:It was. She said, hey, I'm going to give you this taco and don't fall in love. And I was like, I kind of did. Oh, my goodness. But I'm over it now. Do you pay for a 30-minute massage?

1:41:24So you were saying you were hungry for more 30 minutes later? That weed is really strong. She spent the night.

1:41:32Brian Redban:Ah.

1:41:35Brian Redban:Jedi, you have made your Kill Tony debut. The stand-in for Woody Harrelson. Jedi, if you ever want to do a couple minutes at the secret show, it's open for you any time you want to try it out. If you want to do it again. Oh, my God. Thursday night. Thank you so much. Absolutely. Thank you, guys. Have a hand for Jedi, ladies and gentlemen. Who knows? Maybe when Brothers comes out on Apple TV. When do you think that's coming out, Jedi? February, March? I had to get. Oh, no, it's coming out next fall. Next fall. And it's incredible, you guys. It's fucking insane. It's Kenny Power shit. It's hilarious.

1:42:14Brian Redban:Love it. The return of McConaughey and Woody back together. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, guys. Jedi, ladies and gentlemen. Maybe we'll be able to talk Woody and McConaughey into joining us on panel sometime. Who knows? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ryan Shields, everybody. Ryan Shields.

1:42:38Woo! Thank you. So I raised my kids in the suburbs of San Antonio. and when my daughter first started dating one of her friends let it slip that her boyfriend was in a gang i said no he's not he lives in the cul-de-sac first time i met the kid he was i looked at him i was like who are you repping the lactose intolerant kings hey take your weed out or you can get the fuck out of here i know like look all i'm saying is if you can't process dairy or certain multigrains i'm not afraid of you yeah fuck off tanner i will end you with a milkshake and a bagel right now like and i see this all the time and it needs to stop i don't know who needs to tell them maybe it's me but look how are you supposed to be for these streets with peanut allergies and autism i don't know some of you ladies you're still worried about walking alone in the park or going to your car at night just start moisturizing with peanut oil yeah take his breath away if that doesn't work i just use my dad voice i'm i just go hey and they freeze because it activates their autism it was like seeing a tiger in the world all right ryan shields welcome to the show ryan are you give it up for a stand-in for a fat creepy fuck yeah somehow you make jedi

1:44:04Brian Redban:look like Dave Chappelle. That's incredible. Ryan, how long have you been doing stand-up? About 14 years. 14 years. Holy shit, man. Wow, that's crazy. Where at? In the Liver King's backyard? My God. Where have you been doing stand-up for 14 years? Out of San Antonio. Okay. Out of San Antonio. That's where you've always lived? Yeah. Okay. Ari, what do you want to say? I see you... No, no, no. It's over. No, it's okay. Do it. No, the joke is over. It's okay. Do it, Ari. It was a liverking joke, and you said it, and I fucked up, and I got nervous, and now I'm over it. Okay. Ryan, what do you do for a living?

1:44:43Brian Redban:I do stand-up. God damn it. That's exactly what I was hoping you wouldn't say. So was that just a rough, rough, rough set? Yeah, that usually goes a lot better. I think I just led into it weird. It's more of a lead-up to it, but eh, you know, fuck it. Yeah, here we are. Here we are, Ryan. 14 years. Do you think you have like a better joke that you could have done instead? Yeah. So like a banger of a joke that you have after 14 years? Yeah. All right, let's do that. Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Shields. All right, let's try this. Try it again. 14 years. I've been hanging out with these young comedians, so they get me to try this new shit.

1:45:21Like I've tried aluminum-free deodorant. Yeah. It doesn't work. And the problem is it's deceptive. because, like, you put it on as soon as you get out of the shower, and you're like, oh, that does smell like coconuts. But then, like, four hours later, you're like, oh, those coconuts have turned. I think I found out where the rum has gone. So I went right back to aluminum. I know it's bad for you. I know RFK is like, it causes autism. I don't give a shit. I could use a touch of the tism. I'm fine. Like, I could be into trains. Yeah, it's better than the other trains I've been a part of. Look, I was an engineer on that train, all right?

1:46:01I want you to think of something weird. Like, that's where you want to be. You want to be an engineer on those trains. You do not want to be a caboose. Because you're pushing a lot of loads in front of you.

1:46:13Brian Redban:All right, Ryan, let's talk about it. How much money are you making a year doing stand-up? A year? Yeah. About 50 grand. Okay. And you love it. You love what you do. You would never do anything else? Nothing else. So, do you have any, like, side hustles or anything like that? I do a podcast. I do act a little bit. What have you acted in? There's a little show on Paramount Bliss called Landman. Okay. You've been on Landman. Yeah. Okay. For 37 fucking seconds, but I'm in it, so I'm counting it. Okay. Yep. Well, you have a little cheering section over there of what appears to be mentally ill hillbillies.

1:46:53Brian Redban:Ryan, tell us something wild about your life That would surprise us Wild? I just had a colonoscopy, I don't know if that's wild Oh, Red Band just had his first colonoscopy You like it? You guys are colonoscopy brothers over here Let me tell you It sucks when I was getting mine done And they're wheeling you down the hallway With all the nurses and doctors And one of the nurses or doctors Recognized me and goes You're really doing it, Red Band? It fucking sucks

1:47:28Brian Redban:Are you serious? I'm fucking serious. It sucks. That's so funny. You're really doing it, man. That is so fucking funny. What came out of your ass? That's why JRE asked, like, do you go to, like, a special private doctor? Right. That's amazing. What did he say? Does he go to a special doctor? I guess not. He's like, it's none of your business. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. But isn't it like you can't eat a few days before, right? 24 hours, yeah. It's cool because you actually eat. I would have loved to have seen that reality show. Holy shit. One of the most difficult things Red Band has ever done in his career.

1:48:05Brian Redban:Red Band was like the old lady in Requiem for a Dream. Like the kitchen's just like, hello, Red Band. Come on over here. The cupboards are like shaking. just cereal boxes spilling themselves onto the floor no no the bread that you could stick your thumb in and use as a liquid this is floating all the garden breadsticks in the air just alfredo sauce pouring out of the kitchen sink no no

1:48:38Brian Redban:oh that's amazing how did you make it through that 24 hours tell us it really sucks it was our buddy's birthday party, Matt. And I had this great idea, like, oh, you know, I can drink tonight. Let's get wasted tonight. And then I thought I could eat in the morning, and I read when I got home you couldn't. So I had a hangover. I couldn't eat anything. I was actually, I chewed stuff and just spit it out in the trash can. Jesus Christ! That's the baddest thing. That's the baddest thing I've ever heard in my fucking life. I've never heard anyone microdose food before. That's great.

1:49:21Brian Redban:I almost just fainted right then. That is the most red band thing I think I've ever heard of. I need a taste. And they give you all this medicine, so you just shit yourself every, like, five minutes. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's go back. What type of food were you chewing and spitting out? I had leftovers from the place. It was like a steak. and uh you're just chewing it drinking the juice uh and then uh I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and spit it out uh that's about it yeah oh oh and ice I had a lot of ice you swallowed the ice the ice wow god oh god oh it's so funny god that's amazing can you even spit out all of peanut butter and jelly yeah you just ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich He had a little shrapnel.

1:50:12Brian Redban:A little bad. He had a little, there's no peanut butter juice coming out of there. And then you shit yourself there too, right? I didn't shit myself there, no. I got to the point where I couldn't sleep that night because I was shitting every 10 minutes. To the point where it was just stomach bile. Just stomach bile. But what was interesting is like when I could eat, how long it took to become poop, it was like seven hours. Wow. Not a lot of people know this, but that night, Red Band Diarrhea and a Stripper's Pussy at Perfect 10. All right. Ryan Shields. You know, I mean, I don't know what it is.

1:50:50Brian Redban:Maybe it's just the sound or the lights or something, but 14 years. Maybe it's just the pressure. Maybe your timing's a little bit off, but it just wasn't. It wasn't great. It wasn't connecting here tonight, but sign up again. Come back. It's a short drive from San Antonio. Ryan Shields. Very interesting. Ryan Shields, everybody. Wow. That's just wild. 14 years, huh? And there we go. We end up talking about your colonoscopy for half his interview. All right. Let's do this. This will be our final bucket pool of the night. We're in overtime here. Make some noise for Matthew LaCour, everybody. Matthew LaCour.

1:51:36Going over time for me. Thank you. I was about 11 years old on a play date with my friend Kyle the first time I walked in and my mom having sex. It's my fault. I was on my way to the kitchen, a real private place. The Rice Krispies were taking a while. I'll never forget. I was walking down the hallway. I turned the corner. Small detail, tiny detail. There's only two adults in the house, my mom and Kyle's mom. That's it. So I turned the corner. I'll never forget. true story I see my mom pinning this one to the wall left hand throw yeah just

1:52:12Brian Redban:plug it in there now that there's tape there you can't even see where to put it in yeah just give him that one yeah put that down there you go Matthew LaCour everybody continue my bad guys goddamn keep going I turn the corner and she's pinning this woman to the wall. Left hand throat, right hand thigh. I fucking freeze, right? Before I can run back to the room, she grabs her other ass, she picks her up and pins her to the... She pushes her pelvis forward. I don't know why, but I'm so proud that my mom's a top. Does that make sense? Like, I never told Kyle, but I didn't feel a sense of superiority.

1:52:54Like, kids at school would be like, my dad will beat up your dad. My mom will fuck your mom, dog. What are we talking about? What the fuck are we talking about? Am I a 90s kid? You guys Deb Reebok?

1:53:05Brian Redban:That shit works. All right, we got there. Matthew LaCour, welcome. Matthew LaCour. Okay. Welcome, Matthew. Is this your first time on the show? Second time. I used to have long hair, but I shaved it so I can do slurs again. What kind of slurs are you doing exactly? Why did the hair stop? You're like... It was too hippie. People thought I was left-wing. Okay. Matthew, how long have you been on stand-up? I say like four to five years, but I didn't start taking it seriously until I moved to Austin. When was that? About a year. About a year ago. Yeah. Wow. That's amazing. Short time. Somehow eight times funnier than a guy that's been doing it 14 years.

1:53:47Brian Redban:What do you do for work, Matthew? I actually work at Cap City. I'm a door guy. Okay. All right. So that's the second employee from Cap City tonight. um how do you like working up there at the domain that's cool yeah i'm just trying to do everything that i can to get as close as i can to comedy honestly like you get to watch comedians yeah yeah i used to be a door guy too it's a great opportunity to watch comedians and learn yeah it's awesome yeah son and i were door guys at the comedy store um just yeah any young comedians that's the number one thing how you get closest to the comedy i mean of course you can do open mics but you can only learn so much from a guy who's 14 years in and still at narbar yeah So you can learn from professional comedians.

1:54:31Yeah, they get good comedians there. They get good comedians, yeah. Do you sometimes, like, how do you get on stage at Cap City? Do you sometimes... Open mic, but they don't get a lot of stage. Because that's, like, the bonus of also being a door guy.

1:54:45Brian Redban:Yeah. Nobody going up. It also depends where you're a door guy, big time, right? Like, the comedy store has three rooms, and those rooms all have comedians doing 15 minutes. So you end up with 16 comedians in one room, 14 in another, and eight in another. And then they flip three of those rooms to do it all again. Whereas Cap City probably only has, what, four? Yeah, two. Two comedians. Two rooms. Two rooms, yeah. But there's an opener, a feature, and a headliner, right? That's every show, pretty much? I'm just trying to get as much time as I can. Where were you at, Door Guy? Tell us. We don't know about this.

1:55:22I was at Door Guy shortly at Comics Lounge in Australia. Yeah, and then I was a door guy at another club in Vancouver called Yuck Yucks.

1:55:32Brian Redban:I remember Yuck Yucks, and I've been to the Comics Lounge many times. Yeah, yeah. Comics Lounge didn't work out too much. I had to do the work. I was watching too much comedy. Nice guys, though. You were once on a show many, many, many moons ago. Yes, first time we met. Me and Joe Rogan invaded Melbourne, Australia, and you were randomly on that show. Yeah, I did a guest spot. you guys were doing the theater and then you came down to the club this was like fucking nine years ago or something yeah yeah and also that night was one of those magical nights where yeah somebody was missing and then they gave me three minutes i ran the light at the five and bombed but you guys didn't see that you were smoking weed in the back it was cool perfect yep it all worked out perfectly it was awesome yeah matthew tell us something crazy about your life your real life that we would find interesting or compelling you were on this show once before you've had enough time to think about a second interview on this show.

1:56:23Brian Redban:You're in it right now. Actually, I'll be competing at Thursday Night Jiu-Jitsu. You look like you. Oh, yeah, you have ears, too. Yeah, I got the ear stuff. Damn, when I did Jiu-Jitsu, that was the only thing I didn't get. I really want the fucking ears. I want the fucking cauliflower. You can just smash your ear between the fucking waist. I know. I actually tried it. You put two bricks and smash it, but my ears are so fucking malleable. You literally fold them up in your ass and nothing happens. No, no. I love those ears. Oh, thank you. It's all for show. That's why I would do it. What belt are you?

1:56:52Don't you do a podcast with Brian Callen? All right, never mind. That did not work. Oh, yeah. Don't ever disrespect me like that again. Oh, I get it. That's crazy. Oh, okay. That's crazy. Sorry. Sorry. I just don't like that guy.

1:57:04Brian Redban:Red man. I wish you could chew that joke up and spit it out. But, yeah, you came out and you did, like, you went straight into material and it was, like, multiple. The last joker, of course, the mic, such a fucking mishap. But in stand-up, always that happens. There's heckles, there's whatever. So you have to adapt to that. But sometimes, yeah, when you come out here, there's a lot of pressure. And sometimes it's good to leave a beat of silence before you go into material. So the cognitive functions, like, get accustomed to what you look like. So sometimes if you go... Okay. When you said cognitive functions, he's like, I think I have some.

1:57:46Cognitive functions. So sometimes if you go straight into it, they miss the first joke. But I get it. You want to get it out. You want to get it out. Sometimes silence has more information than noise. That is very, very true. And there's a whole thing of you want to get as many jokes as you can out. But sometimes you just got to quit when you're ahead. My mom will fuck your mom. Got a big laugh. It was after the meow and the set right there. Yeah, fair. That's true.

1:58:12Brian Redban:Yeah. Okay. So, Matthew, I'm going to be honest with you. Jiu-jitsu. That jacket. You kind of seem like you could have some real douchebag qualities to you. That's fair. Give us an example of what the douchiest thing about you is. Douchiest thing? Yeah. Oh, do we go honest? I had an affair. I had an affair. Let's talk about it. So you were married? I was. And then what happened? The marriage wasn't going well, and then I met this beautiful yoga teacher that fucking broke my heart. Okay, so did you take her yoga class? where'd you meet her at? We were actually working together. I had just gotten out of the military and she was a swim coach.

1:58:53I was a lifeguard.

1:58:54Brian Redban:At a gym? Yep. And you were a lifeguard? Yep. And she was a swim coach? Yep. And then what happened? We gave each other the eyes across the pool. And then what happened? And then, you know, things happened. I ended up being honest with my wife. I did do that. Afterwards? No, no. I didn't do anything physical with her until until me and my wife were divorced I you said your wife you go look I've been given eyes to a swim instructor to this woman's structure yeah and the instructor know you're married to yeah yeah yeah but that's harder for yeah dude I think she was into it I'm gonna love that she's like I'm gonna take them yeah so you told your wife that you were gonna leave her but yeah I was I was in love with this other woman and then how How were you in love if you had never done it?

1:59:47Because I was 24 and retarded. Okay.

1:59:50Brian Redban:And now how old are you? 32. 32 and retarded. Okay. It'll last, but still pretty retarded. How long after you told your wife, so you started hooking up with a swim instructor shortly thereafter. And how long did that last? About three months. Three months. And then what happened? You said she broke your heart. Yeah. How did she break your heart? She decided to stay with her husband. Wow. Oh my god, this is so hot. Yeah, this is amazing. This is so hot. This story is a 151 Mexican away from. Yeah, perfect. I was just gonna say, Sancho Pancho Villa is gonna be finding the shallow end of that pool real quick here.

2:00:30Yeah, if your wife is banging, dude, and you show up and it's this guy cauliflower, your douchebag look, then you're like, I get it. But Pancho? Yeah. Fucking Pancho?

2:00:41Brian Redban:She's going to be sipping that backseat tequila any day now. Wow. And then, like, what? Now you have no wife, no new love? No, no, no. I'm with somebody in a stable relationship, yeah. Do you regret leaving your wife at the time for her? Do you think... I regret the way I handled it. I was just, you know... 24. Yeah, I was 24 and stupid. I wish I would have handled it incredibly different. Did you save anybody's lives as a lifeguard? Uh, I mean, I helped some silly kids that didn't know how to swim. Fun fact, not a lot of people know this, the world's worst lifeguard of all time, D Madness, ladies and gentlemen.

2:01:19Brian Redban:Not only is he blind, but he also definitely can't swim. Is that right, D? Wrong. Oh! He's always full of surprises, this fucking guy. Of course he can swim. You swim a lot, D? I have. Okay, very good. in the pussy? No, Matthew, you're not allowed to make jokes at D-Madness. Shut your motherfucking mouth. I will find you. I don't feel you. Were you swimming or did someone put you in a bathtub? Oh, Asan, how dare you? D-Madness is about to beat you to death with a bass guitar. Damn right. Alright, Matthew, fun times, buddy. Here you go. Here's a medium joke, but congratulations. Matthew LaCour on to the finale of the night ladies and gentlemen with Ari Maddy here Dedrick in the middle there's only one way to end a show like this and that is with our Hulk Hogan if you will our Hall of Famer with the most appearances the most interviews living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame ladies and gentlemen this is the Memphis Strangler the Big Red Machine the Vanilla Gorilla this is William Montgomery I'm right.

2:02:48I told Redban about Black Friday and he said, they already get February, now Friday?

2:03:05I feel like the results of my polygraph tests are gaslighting me. The other day I watched a David Lynch film dubbed in Portuguese and it finally all makes sense. A doctor ran some tests on Kim Kardashian and concluded that she has low brain activity. A few years ago, that same doctor ran some tests on LeBron James and concluded that he is black. Okay, that's my time. Thank you.

2:03:35Brian Redban:Okay. William lights out Montgomery, the fighting pride of Memphis, Tennessee. And here he is with a brand new look. I love it. What have you been yoking? It's freezing outside. Oh, my... You are adorable in this weather. It's very warm outside. It's very nice. I'm very bald. I don't know people... It's always very... It gets in my head a lot when I have to lean down and grab a napkin or something when I'm on stage, and I lean over, and I'm always like, wait, hold on, am I going bald or something? Not a lot of people know this, but that's what an Indian woman's vagina looks like. We do look like a photo negative on each other.

2:04:13Ah!

2:04:18I know. You look good, Ahsan. You too. You do got a good Elmer Fudd vibe going on right now. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, I bought a bunch of these hats on eBay. I've been going on a tear, Tony. I grew up with this app, but I got some other ones coming in the mail. And I actually caught the FedEx, the bitch that works at fucking FedEx. I caught her today not delivering one of my packages up the steps. It pissed me off. And I said, hey, thanks so much. I'll grab that from you. and she doesn't even look up to do, she doesn't even look at me. Wow. So I think I'm going to try to do something to her next time.

2:04:52Brian Redban:I think I'm going to trap her in something. What exactly do you mean? There's a place you can walk, when you're walking out to my place, there's a place where I'm going to put some string or some rope or something and her stupid fucking ass is going to trip really bad. You're a scary guy to look at while you're working at me. Look at me! Yeah, just on eBay. I've just been on eBay a shit ton. You can't tell the Kill Tony regulars are making a lot of money. You have William on eBay. No, I wouldn't say that. No, no, no. Oh, okay. That's right. You don't know. No, but seriously, I mean, it seems like this year the economy is maybe not as good.

2:05:28That's what I'm finding. Maybe people just don't think I'm funny. I don't know. I think I'm doing a wonderful show up there, but it's less and less tickets being sold. I mean, it's turning into a real nightmare for me. So, Tony, that's why I stopped you there.

2:05:40Brian Redban:You got Ari Matty coming in with custom-made jogging suits. You have Dedrick, who's only been a regular for like four weeks. Yeah, what the fuck? I'm getting all his fucking money. I know. That's what I... How do you have a fucking... Yeah, you have 15 Oriental rugs that you've been talking about the last couple weeks. They were from eBay. They were kind of cheap. What is your thing with not admitting that you've done well for yourself? It's okay. I mean, I'm 38. There's hopefully a decent amount of time for me to live. It could all just end tomorrow, Tony. I have to be just so careful. And now I'm stressed out about it.

2:06:17I'm still in the funk. I still have not done the row machine. It's very sad.

2:06:21Brian Redban:So your sciatica acted up, and you've been taking a big break from the row machine. And that has affected you in a great many ways. Is that correct? Yes. It's been about a month. Wow. And are you thinking about getting back into rowing? Yeah, I have to. I have to just go force myself. I've been staying up all night. I finished a puzzle. Everybody would be proud, I think. I finished a thousand-piece puzzle in two days in less than 48 hours, and I'm starting on another one tonight. Wow. I already literally, I went through, I have a method now. I get all the pieces up, I get piles of them, and I get them separated into the colors while I'm also looking for the edge pieces.

2:06:59Wow. Somehow you are way scarier than the jujitsu guy. Yeah. A guy doing puzzles?

2:07:05Brian Redban:So you organize the colors while also looking for the edges. That is amazing. I've never heard of an approach of doing puzzles like this. What was the last puzzle you did? What would people expect to see on the puzzle that William Montgomery did? Oh my gosh, you're talking about the last one, the one I just finished? Yeah, what's on that puzzle? The one I literally... Yeah, let's hear about it.

2:07:34it's the one you just did the puzzle

2:07:41people are guessing wolves and trains wolves and trains what an idiot no it had nothing to do with fucking wolves and trains dumbass wolves and trains you think i'm doing a fucking puzzle wolves and trains no this puzzle was an open fucking refrigerator tony what i worked on a fucking watermelon for a while last night what else was in i don't know that was most exciting that had a lot of red in it i had a bunch of red pieces of red pieces of red cake last you could see the seeds too probably right no it was a seedless water oh seedless watermelon it's a texture i was looking for the red specific red texture with that red interesting yeah it's

2:08:24Brian Redban:It was almost like a dark pink. Yeah, it was like a dark pink color. So there was just an open refrigerator with just a watermelon in it? A cut open watermelon? That's the whole puzzle? There was also a gallon of milk, Tony! Oh, a gallon of milk. Wow. The world wants to know what else was in this refrigerator. Tony, I have been drinking a bunch of milk, but not with my protein shake, because I'm doing the row machine, because I'm eating two giant bowls of... What is this cereal? It has all-brand. Frosted mini-wheats. Oh, you love frosted mini-wheats. This is my mom's favorite cereal. Oh, it's wonderful.

2:09:01Yeah, so I'm off of the fiber. I'm eating that. I'm hurting myself a lot right now. Tony, I've got to get out of it. I've got to snap out of it. Okay. It's getting scary.

2:09:09Brian Redban:Tell us more. You don't want to hear it. It's getting real scary. I'm literally planning on tripping the fucking woman from FedEx tomorrow, and I don't think I should be talking about it right now. We have a nice-looking police officer, some nice guy over there. I don't think I need to be talking about this. The police love us. They'll cover for you. Yeah, I'm going to get her fucking ass tomorrow. I have something real heavy coming tomorrow. Yeah. Something very heavy coming tomorrow. Yeah, you just keep ordering heavier and heavier things.

2:09:42But I got to snap out of it, Tony, so we'll see.

2:09:45Brian Redban:Okay. All right. And what are you going to do if this FedEx woman is carrying that box to your place? sees the string and steps over the string. Exactly what's your plan then? Maybe just straight up assault or something? You're like a mud ball. A mud ball? A mud ball. It's been raining. A mud ball? Yeah, a mud ball. You're going to accumulate... Put some rocks in it. I've never even heard of such a thing. That's the most white trash. Oh, a mud ball. A mud ball. Yeah, oh my gosh, back in Memphis, my buddies and I, one of my friends lived on this very dark street, and the cars would go very fast.

2:10:25And after it would rain, we would all be on the side, and we would honk these fucking just things of mud and rocks. It would slam into the glass windows, and we would all go run and hide. It was very exciting. I did that a lot growing up.

2:10:40Brian Redban:I was going to say, balls of mud and rocks. It's very Muslim of you. A mud ball does sound like a slur that I would call a son in the green room on a Tuesday or Wednesday night I usually call him a sand rabbit Little fun fact, you can call anybody you want a slur if you make the slur up yourself You can't use a slur that's been used before It's very easy, you take something of that ethnicity and you mix it with a cute animal What's that one you were talking about the other day, Red Band? You were doing something Actually, I call David Lucas a mud ball. That's where you found that from. Is that true?

2:11:17No. Oh.

2:11:21Yeah, that'd be embarrassing, Tony. If that's really what I talk mud balls because of his fucking dumb ass, that would be...

2:11:29Brian Redban:All right, well... What's on the new puzzle before I let you go? What's in the puzzle that you're working on? This one has a bunch of cakes. I was confusing myself. This one has a whole bunch of cakes and it's got a bunch of primary colors. It's got reds. It's got blues. It's got yellows. I feel like you're feeling yourself putting this puzzle together. You have the whole, like, Bob Ross of puzzle thing. I'm about to go do it. Wow. I'm very excited. I'm about to do it. Nothing brings this show to a climax better than you. Thanks for having me. Starting a new puzzle. We love you. Thanks for having me, Tony.

2:12:01Brian Redban:William Montgomery, this episode brought to you by PrizePix. We did it again. This is a crazy show with a crazy bucket tonight. We had a lot of fun. somehow other than the regulars somehow the trans woman stole the show the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in, it is absolutely incredible that is indeed Asana Mod and Ari Maddy, let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew over there oh it's Dedrick Dedrick, pre-grilled Dedrick Red Band check out my fake band Cap Red 7 on iTunes and YouTube what do you guys want to plug? I got a podcast called The Solid Show with my friend Derek Poston. And then I have a special coming out soon in January called Too Soon.

2:12:45Look for it on the podcast channel.

2:12:47Brian Redban:There you go. Ari Matty. I am on my first national American tour called Here to Stay. And tickets are really low at the moment in Atlanta. We have 900 available. Three sold. So for the love of God, do you like me or do you like me? He is one of the best stand-up comedians in the world. Ari Matty.com. Ari Matty.com. It's a brand new tour. He's being very humble right now. Pre-sale starts, well, it's going to be on sale when this episode comes out. So go to arimatty.com. Support the great and powerful Estonian assassin. He could be weeks away from becoming the newest citizen of the United States of America, ladies and gentlemen.

2:13:30Brian Redban:Shout out again to our very good friend Jedi who made his debut tonight. Shout out to team Woody Harrelson. And I bought a knife on Thanksgiving. Whoa, a new knife. That is an American knife. $10 from the corner store. That is amazing. I'm glad you pulled it out after the bucket pools are all gone. We could be dead. God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

2:14:34The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:15:09Thank you.