#750 - LANCE ARMSTRONG + TIM BUTTERLY + MATT MCCUSKER

18:10Brian Redban:This is our senior Vanilli. My mom met Vanilli, or one of the guys, in an elevator when Blame It on the Rain was number one. That was her big celebrity moment. So the guy that's still around, his name is Fab Morvan, is the guy that's still alive, and then Rob Palatis was the guy that passed. Wow. Amazing, your knowledge of literally a laughingstock of a musical group. Absolutely incredible. Eddie Murphy is my favorite comedian. What does that say? It says that your time here is done, my friend. Thanks, Tony. There's a little joke book. There he goes. Remy Swipes, ladies and gentlemen. When people just start randomly naming their favorite comedians, you know the interview has ended.

18:52Brian Redban:Uh-oh. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Check out her podcast, Love on the Line, at HeidiRegina.com. How about one more time for Heidi, everyone, getting us all liquored up up here. All right, your next bucket pool, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Lino Rodriguez, everybody. Here comes Lino Rodriguez.

19:20I'm sort of stressed out, guys. The other day I got flashed by a homeless guy with the biggest, blackest cock I'd ever seen. In person. Shout out Mia Khalifa.

19:37He had a cock that was so big. How big was it? He had a cock that was so big, I thought to myself, how is this guy homeless?

19:50How is this guy homeless? I got what I got. I got a place.

19:57This guy should have a mansion. and before I knew it he started to helicopter dick at me and it was so big I could hear the sound

20:11the motherfucker was powering the midwest by himself

20:17and before I knew it he took flight

20:22as if God was calling him to heaven and he started to terrorize all the 6th street

20:32You got a dollar?

20:36Are you going to finish that cigarette?

20:40Brian Redban:Lino Rodriguez Beautiful, thank you Going all the way to the bear there Hi, Lino Hi, how's it going? Good That was okay That was good That's like the best you've ever done on the show, right? Yeah, I think so It felt good I think so too You've been on many times What have we learned about you? What are the big fun facts about Lino? Remind me I'm a clubfoot Puerto Rican from Mississippi. Okay, yep, that makes sense. Puerto Rican from Mississippi, Jordanians from Oklahoma. It's a real melting pot we have here tonight. So how clubbed is that foot exactly? What does that mean, that your toes are like webbed?

21:16Brian Redban:Are they there? What does that mean? When I was born, they were upside down. Your toes were upside down? Shaped like a golf club. Wow. Yeah, I could wipe my own ass with my feet.

21:28Brian Redban:Okay. What do you do for work, Lino? I work at the Vulcan Gas Company, and I also work at a smoke shop selling weed out of a bus. Okay. How's that going? We got robbed. How did that happen? Middle of the night or...? Yeah, it was late night. They busted in the back of the bus and took all of our weed and mushrooms. Very cool people. Okay. Yeah, they busted in through the back. door how were you in there oh no i was i was partying somewhere else but it was open the band they were selling stuff no no no it was closed they they broke in late night they knew what they wanted they wanted our weed they wanted our mushrooms they wanted our vapes right what else could they possibly want from a van that sells weed mushrooms and vapes it's not much else cash yeah they're definitely not looking for your joke book that's for sure Lino, how long you been on stand-up?

22:27Around four or five years now.

22:29Brian Redban:Okay, four or five years. And it's going good for you, huh? I'm having a good time. Yeah, I like it out here. I've been having a fun time out working in the local scene and building my way up from fucking shit, so. Yep. Yeah, I was trying. I love it, I love it. I love it. Comedy. Why Lino? What is that name? Your parents named you that? I'm named after my dad. My dad's name was Lino, and then he got murdered, so they're like, we need another Lino. Your dad got murdered? Yeah, my dad was murdered, yeah. Tell us about that. Vape shop robbery?

23:10No, the motherfucker got murdered with a baseball bat. Oh, that's right, yep. It's all coming back to me now. And he's not even a baseball.

23:31Brian Redban:we know how old were you when that happened I wasn't I say how is this this isn't adding up I wasn't born needed another one of you and he was murdered yes then the maybe you have a different dad no your mama my mom not that big of a no my dad he was murdered while I was in the womb when I was in the tummy yeah yeah oh damn okay I mean this is just such a crazy speech impediment to hear about a dead dad with cause for a second I thought you were in the room when they murdered him I was in the same womb as he was

24:16Brian Redban:Could have been you. Could have been you, little arm reaching out with a baseball bat. Okay. Yeah, a little foot. Club foot. That crazy club foot. He was either killed by a baseball bat or a mysterious upside down foot. We were both clubbed. There you go. Absolutely. Like father, like son. The apple doesn't fall far from the Louisville slugger. Uh, Lino, you've been up many times before. You always have gotten a little joke book, I'm guessing, right? Yeah. Well, guess what, buddy? Today's the big day. Big joke book for you. Lino Rodriguez, ladies and gentlemen. Let's keep it moving along here with one more bucket pool before we get to a special treat.

25:03Brian Redban:Make some noise for Joe Hanson. We're going to meet Joe all together. One minute uninterrupted. For Joe Hanson, everybody. What's up, guys? I was raised really poor, just right off the bat. My parents would always try to hide it from us, though. They would always say shit like, it's National Leftover Hamburger Helper Day. It's been National Leftover Hamburger Helper Day for five nights in a row, man. What are you trying to pull on us? I figured it out, though. I did figure out we were poor when it came time to put down our family dog. It cost$45 and my dad was just like, nah, I'll shoot it. Right?

25:46But I was seven years old, man. I took that at face value. I was like, oh, I cannot get sick. We are not a Minute Clinic family at all. Dad, I have a headache. Die, bitch! That's cool, though. That's cool. Austin's fun. I was walking down 6th and this girl goes I'm having hot girl tummy issues and then she lifted up her shirt and she just had a colostomy bag that's not hot girl tummy issues that's just a bag of shit strapped to you thank you

26:21Brian Redban:hell yeah Joe Hanson welcome is this your first time on the show yeah nice welcome welcome how long you been on stand up like two probably two years all of it here in Austin no I'm actually from Kansas City originally Okay. Now you live here? No, no. Actually, I just moved down to Clearwater, Florida. Okay. What made you move to Clearwater, Florida? My wife is doing her residency down there. And what is she doing a residency for? Internal medicine. Okay. She's a doctor. Five years retirement. I'm fucking out of a job in five years. Amazing. Look at you, you little gold digger. What do you do for work?

26:58I just work like bullshit IT right now.

27:00Brian Redban:All right. Okay, let me, if they say this, it's cool IT. And I love it so much. Okay. What kind of money are you making? Not enough to really be saying how much I love it, but... Right. Enough that I don't want to lose it. What are the hours like? Just normal corporate shit. Okay. What are you doing, help desk, server admin? Yeah, or help desk. Help desk, that's bitch stuff. Yeah, it is bitch. Fry started, man. Really? Yeah, they really treat you like a fucking loser. And then you worked your way up to full-time comedian.

27:44Yeah, you're right. It is pretty impressive. Thank you. Yeah, it is.

27:48Brian Redban:It actually is. Joe, what's your plan to work yourself up to being a big-time comedian? Because Clearwater, Florida, it's a little rough. Yeah, well, Tampa's got an okay scene. It's not as saturated, I feel like, but it's very much like you got to know who's who to get on the shows and stuff. What else are you into? Do you have any other special skills or hobbies or anything that you're into? I wish I could say I do. There's got to be something. Well, I mostly just spend time taking care of my wife so that I feel like it's my... I bet she would phrase it differently. No, I do. I really do. because i i treat it like the same way you would invest in 401ks me doing the laundry is my contribution oh that's gotta suck yeah does she just like tell you that when to eat her pussy and stuff yeah she gets home from work and she goes someone died eat my box wow amazing that is incredible does she kind of bring her work home with her sometimes and you have to hear about it i check on that shit what do you mean give us an example she'll she'll come home in a flurry and she'll just like she'll like work ICU or something like four people will die and she'll go yeah today sucked and I was like yeah but let's leave it at the door and let's go watch some movies or something okay I've got I don't know I feel like a puppet master a little bit cuz I've I've kind of like helped her cope by manipulating it sounds like I guess how long have you been with her?

29:22We just got married this year's four years.

29:26Brian Redban:Okay. Thank you. There's some people very impressed by a four-year-long relationship. Yeah. It's amazing. She come down here with you? Uh-uh. Does she know you're doing this? She's at work right now, dog. Well, she's gonna know. Yeah, let's hope, yeah. She'll like it. So you just came to Austin for what exactly? Me and a group of guys from kansas city they came down here and i met up with them and then we've just been like running the shows and mics out here see anything crazy while you were here in austin um there was like i mean i hate to just be like yeah a homeless guy but like there was some guy who like was just screaming at the top of his that's it wow well he started to get close amazing god help you if you ever visit new york or los andales yeah yeah dude there's a homeless guy screaming fucking amazing It's creepier when they whisper.

30:19Brian Redban:Yeah, that's a great point, Red Band. You guys drove down together? No, I flew. They drove. You got that doctor wife money. Yeah. Yeah. I go, yeah, you guys have nine hours. They're going to be sitting in the fucking farted up van driving back. You're the one that got on the fucking show. Yeah, he was in a helicopter right above them. Yeah. You guys look so small from up here Well Joe I liked your set I thought it was funny and clever So here's a big joke book Congratulations There he goes Joe Hanson We're going to keep it moving along We have a special treat for you ladies and gentlemen One of my favorite characters That we ever found here on this show Is dropping in with a brand new minute Make some noise You know him everybody This is indeed the one and only Sir Winston Pickles, everybody.

31:16Brian Redban:Here we go.

31:26Thank you.

31:30I was driving last night and I accidentally hit a deer. A deer old lady.

31:45What was she even doing up at 1am?

31:50I told the cop she didn't look left or right before she crossed, and he said she shouldn't have to in her own kitchen.

32:04It's that time of year where I've got to decide whether to hang my Christmas lights or myself.

32:21Though I don't really need Christmas lights, I just need a bottle of Luminal.

32:32I was in a drag race earlier today and I got disqualified for wearing sneakers instead at a high heels.

32:45Okay, my time is up.

32:47Brian Redban:Sir Winston Pickles. I love it. I love your style, Sir Winston. I hit a dear, a dear old lady. Fantastic panel, Tony. Thank you. So you've missed the opportunity to get Rob Reiner. Oh, that is true. We will not have Rob Reiner. He was coming up in a few weeks. That ship has sailed. Yes, it has. You are one evil clown, I've got to tell you, Sir Winston Pickles. I love it. Great jokes. How's life been going, Sir Winston? Very busy. Luminol. Red Band wants to know what Luminol is. Luminol is a thing I've watched every episode of Forensic Files that you can spray around the room, and if you light it up with a black light, it shows you where blood has been.

33:36Brian Redban:So what he's saying is that he's murdered so many people that he doesn't have to put up Christmas decorations. He just needs to spray his place with luminol, and it'll all light up. There you go.

33:48Brian Redban:Smart and funny, if you know what luminol is, I think I was the only person in the room that knew what it was. Maybe a blacklight or something instead, you could say, right? I mean, you know, he's got a smart crowd. Actually, you don't need a blacklight with luminol. It's a chemical reaction, Brian. Oh, really? You don't need a black light? No. Oh, okay. All right. It just lights up automatically. Yes. Amazing. The black light would show jizz, though. Yeah, it would. Yeah. See what's coming out of his Sir Winston pickle, you know what I'm saying? So, Sir Winston, take us through, like, a day in the life, because I think about you sometimes.

34:27Brian Redban:I'm like, I wonder what the fuck he does during the day. I wonder what he looks like. Like, I find you to be an intriguing, intriguing man. So take us through like a... I just go around making a nuisance of myself in various stores. What do you mean? Like, I go to Dick's Sporting Goods. Work out on their equipment.

34:53Actually, I've just bought a Royne machine. Yeah? Got a great price on it, but flooding the living room every night is costing me a fortune.

35:07Brian Redban:That's just a boat. That's a kayak. So what time of the day do you usually put on the makeup and everything? About noon. About noon. Amazing. And you'll like run errands and stuff. Yes, run errands, yeah. And you enjoy it, right? I love it. Yeah, it's cool. Yes. What do you do when you're not in the makeup? Is there anything that you do? like you don't go to like a doctor's appointment like that do you once or twice okay yes what's one of the weirdest places that you've been in that makeup where you got a weird reaction dmv do they let you take your driver's license no they don't let you do that driving license picture is totally different okay no no nobody wants to uh any other weird times where you're sir winston pickles well when i used to do it i did try it twice oh my god yes door dash the old ring cameras oh i can't even imagine yes people must be scared to death the tips were very high yeah yeah that's just straight up scary i love it and you're married right yes unfortunately is she a clown too no i should say my ex-wife she's a clown no oh what does that mean see your after that that day what I just said my unfortunately right oh I gotcha yeah yes gotcha all right sir Winston well another great set so much fun always a pleasure to have you sir Winston pickles ladies and gentlemen thank you the evil dark clown.

36:51Brian Redban:So dark, yet so white. Sir Winston Pickles. There he goes, everybody. Sir Winston Pickles was on the show. Alright, here we go. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Taylor Ferrer. Ferrer. Taylor Ferrer. Make some noise for Taylor.

37:15So I'm still mad at Obama for not using once you go black you never go back for his reelection slogan it was right there and it would have opened up the door for trump to use orange is the new black and then kabbalah could have kept it going with aren't you glad i'm not biden and then in a few years rfk can run on the slogan orange juice is giving liver cancer to children you know and i google a lot of stuff like the other day i googled where the cum goes when you get a vasectomy i didn't know and uh for those of you don't know when you get a vasectomy they They cut the tube that connects the balls to the outside.

37:50And you can't just plug it, right? You can't just put, like, a little cork in it, because you'll keep making jizz. It'll back up, and then your balls will explode. I think. I don't know. That's why I Googled it. It turns out they don't plug it. They just leave it open. So you just continue making jizz. It goes out the open tube, and then your body just reabsorbs it. That's gay, dude.

38:14You mean to tell me that every time you orgasm, you're just coming all up inside yourself? Uh-uh. Not in God's country.

38:23Brian Redban:There you go, Taylor Ferrer. Welcome to the show, Taylor. Thank you. Got funny there at the end. I don't know if you're quite the political comedian that you think you are. You seem like a guy that would talk about jizz being backed up into your own balls, and you really found your voice there towards the end. I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up, Taylor? It's like my 10th time. Oh, wow. So you're new. yeah what was how long for 10 times yeah thanks thank you appreciate it absolutely great how long ago was the first time so i started actually like right before pandemic because i was in pa school and i was doing it just for kind of fun pa school like uh physician assistant okay so i was doing it during pa school we would all go out together and then wait this is who that guy's wife is going to school with yeah i think so fuck yeah and uh and i did it a few times and then pandemic hit and and i just stopped and then i uh started back up a couple months ago nice what made you want to start back up a couple months ago i just always wanted to do it so i figured where do you live miami okay i could see that that seems right so what exactly do you do for work in miami i work at er you work in an er yeah as a regular i got pa right and so what's some crazy stuff that you've seen i have to be super crazy stuff yeah miami emergency room i can't even fucking imagine tell not long ago this uh older like 84 year old lady came in she thought she had a uti and so we're checking her out for that and and she...

39:59Brian Redban:That's a joke. That wink just lost you your medical license, by the way. So we're checking her out for the UTI and then she was telling the nurse that the reason why she thinks she had a UTI is because she was having sex and a bunch of liquid came out and she said her boyfriend told her that squirting is a thing. And so then we had to tell her, yeah, that is a thing. And she did not have a UTI. So she just came to the ER to tell us that she squirted for the first time. And then she's just... Wow. Holy shit. What's your Instagram? What a brag. Red band. Red band. You can't just say things like that.

40:34Brian Redban:That's a real human being. Do you know what her Instagram is? All right. So that's pretty amazing. She came to you because she came. Yeah. It's impressive. If you don't mind, Lance wanted me to ask, is Squirt piss? That's a great question. All right. So yes and no, there's piss in it, but it's not all piss. I had a question, but that wasn't my question. No, no, don't put this on me, Lance. I'm sticking. It's an important question. Oh, no, you're going to like my question that you're going to get blamed for. I really have a question. No, I want to hear the other one, too. Save that question. Let's find out your breakdown of what do you think the piss do?

41:15Brian Redban:What is the special liquid that comes out? So there is urine in it. They've done studies where they show, like, imaging, and you see the bladder does get empty to some degree, but it's not all piss. Totally true. That is correct. I used to argue with Red Band. We would get into vicious arguments. No, I remember. I've always said it's not pee. Right. That's what I'm saying. I, back in the day, thought it was pee. But, like, it always... Okay, you go ahead. Sorry. Welcome to another episode of Kill Taylor, everybody. You go ahead. You take over. It used to confuse me because, like, squirting is always clear, and I was like, there's no way that every woman's just super hydrated all the time.

41:53Right? That was what gave me pause.

41:55Brian Redban:You're exactly right. I'm a, like I was saying, I'm going to go back to my thing, and then we're going to get to Lance's question. I'm a converted squirt believer. There was a period of time where I was anti-squirt, was convinced it was just straight pee, but I got to tell you, it's something else. It tastes way better than pee. Definitely. Red Band said it. I might completely agree with him, but in any matter, Disgusting, Redman. You're so gross. Let's go over to Lance Armstrong. Yeah, but is that true about the vasectomy? That can't be true. It doesn't stay inside. I think there's different...

42:35But you're supposed to know. I'm not a PA or a doctor or anything. There's different ways. One of the ways is to leave it open. But there's also ways that I think that they do actually... So there's... Anybody in the room had one of these things done? I did.

42:46Brian Redban:Yeah, anyone give themselves a fucking... Were you wondering this? Super vasectomy? What? Like there's nothing comes out? Oh, no, no, no. You still have seminal fluid coming out, but it doesn't connect to the seams. It tastes way better. It tastes way better, Red Band says. Okay. I should have said that. That's great. It's a lot sweeter than regular cum. I don't have any more questions. Perfect. The defense rests. I'm still on the squirt, so, okay, some of it's pee. Some of it's pee. What is the other stuff? Is it just like leftover jizz from the guy before you? That's usually it. That's usually it.

43:26Hey, I'm asking a doctor, guys. This is confidential.

43:30Brian Redban:It's a bunch of magical stuff. It's kind of like lady sweat, but inside of the thing called the vaginal sponge, something like that, the bladder sponge. There's like a thing, top shelf. There's a whole system to it. I might know more than you. I looked into this. I watched a whole 30-minute YouTube tutorial. There's a system. Taylor, what's your love life like? You seem like a good-looking guy. You're in Miami. You're married. Yeah. Wow. We met in PA school. Okay. All right. And is she also working in ER? No, she works in aesthetics. Okay. Like Botox fillers, that kind of stuff. Okay. Wow. And no kids?

44:10No.

44:11Brian Redban:How does that happen? What are you doing? What's your method? Pulling out. Just regular old pulling out. Right in time. Just in time. You have a favorite place where you shoot your load? Good question, Tony. Thanks, Tony. Jeez, you people with your groans. Depends on the position. Probably the back. Got it. Yeah, you're sick of her face at this point. Have you made her squirt? Her, no. Interesting, right? No, no! That was the worst answer you could have given. No, no, that's that Miami lifestyle, dude. Now, why do you think that is? Do you think she's just not hydrated enough? That might be the answer, yeah.

44:53Brian Redban:That might be the answer. No, I think it's a... I don't know if it's a learnable skill, but I think there's... Some girls could do it, some can't. Right. Maybe you could. Some girls are drier than your political jokes. She may not be old enough. Yeah. Because that other lady was old, 80-something. That's true. Just wait. So we got to wait, yeah. Yeah. You got to wait a little bit. I'll keep you updated. Any day now. I'm surprised that guy didn't come with that old lady. I would have followed her there and be like, yeah, I did that. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. He's just in the lobby with a poster board. It was me.

45:24Brian Redban:Just pointed to him. Amazing. Amazing, Taylor. Well, fun times. A good set. You picked it up towards the end. I like your style. There's a big joke book. Back to Miami, he goes. Taylor Ferrer. All right. We're moving at a great pace. I like this episode. This is fun. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Michael Moses, everybody. Back to the bucket with a minute uninterrupted from Michael Moses. Oh, what's up, Austin? I'm happy to be here, man. Happy to be out of the house. Girl's mad at me right now. Just had a message on my phone. Message popped up. She looked at it. She goes, who's Amber?

46:01I was like, bitch, a kid is missing. All right?

46:08I'm not Muslim. I'm not Muslim. I know I look Muslim, but I'm not. I got a white mom. She's very white. She's on a cruise ship right now. Okay? But like, and I grew up in a small town in Canada, 3 ,000 people, so Muslim people, they pass me and they're like, As-salamu alaykum. I'm like, ah, shalom al-ding dong, dude. I have no idea what the fuck that is. My mom's very white, she's very, like I said, she's on a cruise ship. She remarried white. This dude's so white. His name's Mark with a C, all right? Mark wears jean shorts, all right? Every time he gets startled, he's like, ah, jeepers, white.

46:42Mark's the way he jumps in the water like this. Okay? Okay. Plugs his nose. He's a grown man. I go, Mark, jump into the water, let the water go up your nose, snot rocket it up and push it towards another family like a man. He goes, nah, it stings. Alright, my name is Michael Moses. Thank you so much. Michael Moses.

47:02Brian Redban:Welcome to the show, Michael. This is your first time on, right? How long have you been doing stand-up? 13 years. 13 years? Holy shit. Where at? Canada all over started Alberta Toronto and yeah that's where you're born Alberta no yeah no Winnipeg middle moved west started comedy East yep absolutely so 13 years and what ethnicity are you exactly I'm mixed I'm mixed so Tony if you want to ask me the whitest thing about me go ahead oh well all right here we go I I guess this guy's ready. I watched the show. 13 years. He is prepared. What is the whitest thing about you? I don't use a washcloth in the shower.

47:48That is true.

47:49Brian Redban:We don't do that. Do you use a loofah? No. You just go... Just fucking bar to hand. Raw dog. Bar in hand. Wow. A lot of people are saying you in the audience. Like he has to touch my body. You're good, bro. You ain't touching me, though. What color's your loofah, Tony? Black. Yeah, me too. Look at that. We have that in common. Look at us. Hopefully we don't ever get them mixed up. All right. Speaking of the color black, you know what question's coming at you next. D-Madness? What is... Don't make D-Madness jokes right now. Okay. What is the blackest thing about you, Michael Moses? My grandma is 46 years old.

48:32Oh, my God.

48:38Brian Redban:Wow. Thank you, Soda. That is amazing. That is amazing. So which parent is that? That's your mom's? Oh, yeah, my dad's a black one. Uh-huh. So how old's your dad? R.I.P. He was 37 when he died. 37? He did die by gunshot. That is probably the real blackest thing about me. That happens in Canada? Yeah. Wow. I thought you guys had it all figured out up there. 37, he was killed by a gun. What exactly went down there? D-Madness is going to find the killer right now. Yeah, free. He does not like black men being killed. He's very aggressive about it. He's solved exactly zero murders, by the way. They call him a private eye.

49:25People with eyes can't find him, so if he can do it. I made that joke five seconds ago. So what happened?

49:30Brian Redban:What happened where your dad got shot? It was a clothing store robbery. He was doing the robbery? Hold on. Let's take it one step at a time. No, you're fine. Your dad was doing a robbery. With his friends. With his friends in Canada. In Canada. Denim jacket store? 100%. I also think that beats the 42-year-old grandmom. What was the exact store? Was it a footlocker? It was a clothing store. You don't know the clothing store? No, I don't. You never asked. I, this, like, it happened when I was 17. I've been too scared to find out. Because we don't, we actually don't know what happened to the guys.

50:11So what do you... So it could be fucking that guy who doesn't want to touch me right now. What do you know about what happened? So, so yeah, the clothing store, he went in with some friends to rob the place. They knew the person who owned it. Right. And then there were, like, you know, customers and they tied them up. They all tied them up and put them in. And then this is what I've heard from my uncle who kind of went up there and, like, looked. And my mom said, so things we want to believe. Your 18-year-old uncle? Yeah. Right? Yeah, exactly. So the thing with, like, my dad had that moment of this ain't right.

50:46And then, you know, tussle back and forth. Gun goes off. Gone. Oh, shit. Damn. Wow. He's really fresh to death. My bad. No, no. We needed somebody to try to break the tension and that was a good effort, man. The dude with the black wife, gotta go for it, bro. Yup.

51:11Brian Redban:I appreciate that coming from him. You're exactly right. Incredible. So what's mom up to? She's alive? Yeah, remarried white. She went white. So the Mark thing's real. 100%. Amazing. 100%. Yeah, they love cruise ships. They own a big camper. They go camping all summer. She golfs, and she just works and chills. Wow, amazing. Not bad at all. No? She's still in Winnipeg? No, she's like southern Alberta, Coeldale, Alberta hometown. Like Katie Lang. Never mind. Okay. You got to try it. You all know that song. The big bone girl from southern Alberta. Come on. All right. Try the fresh to death one.

52:00She's from Southern Alberta. I thought it was a bad theme for Dad's dying tonight. Another dude, his dad got hit with a baseball bat. Damn, really? Who did it?

52:12Brian Redban:We didn't get into that. We didn't even find out. Okay, damn, you asked him. Amazing. Okay, so Mom's back out on cruise ships. How do you make money? I do this comedy, and then I have a social media channel. It's a stupid concept, but the concept is I go into a restaurant every day. At the same time, I order the exact same thing, and I see how long it takes for them to ask me if I want the usual. And I know, but I'm getting 50 million views on video.

52:49The concept is that, but then what happens, it's wholesome shit. You know, I get to know somebody, a stranger, turn them into a stranger. And then at the end of the, you know, week, we just raise money for them. I've, you know, gotten people like$2 ,000. Actually helped the Korean lady, and now she can ship her son off to a university in Australia. Wow. So like that. So then social media money like that. Very cool. I'm doing it, so. Has there been one where it hasn't happened yet, and you're still there like for two years or something? 100%, bro. I'm doing Sandy's hamburgers here in Austin, Texas.

53:22day 22 these motherfucking mexicans do not speak to me i love it hilarious michael what's your love life like uh don't i actually uh i just got engaged uh four weeks ago wow thank you is she white she's white you're following in your dad's footsteps

53:46Brian Redban:she's pregnant look at that i am doing oh my goodness do you ever tie her up while stealing her clothes. Okie dokie. Following in his dad's footsteps. You guys remember? Yeah. I love it. How pregnant is she? Due February. Due February. Wow. It's coming. It's coming, man. Oh my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Michael, fun times. Thank you. You did great. Your 13 years is very evident. You have great stage presence. Everything's amazing. here you go. Also, you look like handsome Squidward. Yeah. Lance wanted me to say that. One line of the night right there. Tim Buckley, everybody. Thank you so much, Tony.

54:29Thank you, guys.

54:30Brian Redban:There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Michael Moses. Alright. We've come to the point of the show where one of our regulars is right behind that curtain and ready. He is the dark storm of Atlanta. I believe this guy is the absolute future and the present of the Kill Tony universe. Make some fucking noise for the one and only dedrick flynn everybody here he is

54:59oh man i was raised in the ghetto and um i hate the ghetto uh the ghetto stole christmas from me uh like physically and mentally at the same time uh about a week before christmas they came and I took everything, even our decorations. And then my whole family was downstairs, and they were crying. But then I looked at my cousin, Deli, and because we were both six years old, and we had a childlike innocence, we both realized it doesn't matter. Santa's still coming. And so we started getting kind of happy and kind of dancing. And my grandma was like, why the fuck are you dancing over there? And I was like, Grandma, Santa's coming.

55:41Don't worry. We all can rejoice. And, uh... She said, nigga, Santa ain't real. And that kind of took the Christmas love out of my heart. But it was placed back there shortly after, because my uncle, my uncle Chris, because you can't spell Christmas without Chris, he came in and he was like, he looked at my dad, and he was like, yo, why you ain't got no decorations? and presents for the kids. And we told him what happened. He said, that won't do. And then he came back into the house a couple hours later with like a fully decorated tree and presents from somebody else's house.

56:24So we just started to open them and see, you know what I'm saying? I got a Green Ranger and a Bobby Playhouse. We re-grinchified the neighborhood that day. That's my time.

56:39Brian Redban:Hilarious. Dedrick Flynn. That is amazing. Grandmas are the ones that do that. My grandma's the one that told me Santa isn't real. I remember it very clearly. Do you remember where you were? Just kids in school. Red bands just finding out.

57:05Brian Redban:For a man that eats milk and cookies every night, that's very surprising. Ho, ho, ho. Very jolly. There he is. D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. You say Santa Claus three times, he pops up out of nowhere for some reason. I love it. Wow, that story sounds so authentic. That's real, huh? Yeah, that was a verbal photograph that I gave you right there. That's exactly what happened. I mean, the ghetto of Atlanta, it just seems like an absolute treasure trove of material. Yeah. You saw what he did to Casey Rockett. All right, that's what happens when you have a white boy that grew up around the same environment as me.

57:47You didn't get a nigga that pulled a harmonica out for no reason at all.

57:56That's why I got this little slingshot right here. I don't know. Oh, shit. They don't got no metal detectors in here. I'm just waiting. Don't pop off. But don't worry, I got my concealed carry permit that I made. I laminated it. The cops won't know the difference. You laminated it? Yeah, yeah, I laminated it. It's a Dedrick Slinky Shoddy permit, state of Texas. And it's got a picture of me, so they know that it's mine.

58:24Brian Redban:Oh, yeah. It's a little bit light skin, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they didn't have any brown markers near me when I got the idea. Yeah. What do you put in the slingshot? Anything to hurt people. I went and bought some marbles, but they didn't let me in with the marbles. They took the marbles out of doors, so shout-out to the mothership staff for a good search. They are very good at that. They're wrong. They said, not so fast, Dennis the Menace Society. I want to see if it works. Let's see how far you can shoot a little joke book out into the crowd. Come on, a little joke book!

59:03Brian Redban:Oh, my God! That thing's got some distance. wow about if i didn't like you you know what i'm saying that went to the lobby you just took out a thick white lady yeah you're very strategic shot i know what i'm aiming the form was crazy too i would have pinched it you just put one finger and let go that's crazy yeah i used to shoot hornets at people in middle school i was the iss a lot i was a bad kid there's a lot of um because i knew santa claus wasn't real so i gave up on being good look how intense the cop by the exit door is right now

59:46i love it were you really a bad kid growing up uh it didn't i was just so smart that i would get done with my work early and then you can't just i can't just sit down you know i gotta pass notes You know, I got to play my Game Boy. I got to be a distraction. And I was really good at popcorn reading, so niggas love me. Popcorn reading. What is that? That's when you see who's stupid in your class. Everybody take a turn. You have to, like, read a passage, and then you say popcorn like Tony, and then you start reading, and they're like, Johnny walked across the Island. And they're like, nigga, that's Island.

1:00:22You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? That's...

1:00:28Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Hilarious. Oh, my God, I'm so good. It really is. It's unbelievable. I love it, Dedrick. What are you doing for Christmas? How are you celebrating this year? I just bought my nephew this baller-ass drivable grave digger thing. It was like$500, but Uncle Daddy got it. You know what I'm saying? And then we're doing a Christmas show at the Earl's that week. A bunch of the home... It's already sold out in Atlanta. We got like a Christmas band that's going to play. I'm going to do some pop punk Christmas songs on there. So it's going to be fun as shit. Okay. All right. You're doing Christmas songs.

1:01:24Brian Redban:I love it. Clap for me. Yeah. I'm doing big things.

1:01:33Brian Redban:Dedrick, you're the fucking man. Hey, I love y 'all. Thank y 'all so much. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. One of the greats. And it goes on and on. We found Dedrick out of the bucket just five or six weeks ago or so. Anything can happen here. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. Here we go. Here comes Lorenzo.

1:02:05I don't know if you guys can tell I'm nervous.

1:02:12Ah. But, uh, I gotta let something off my chest for real. I don't donate to thrift stores, I'm gonna be honest. It's not that I don't want to, it's because I can't, I'm poor. And growing up, you know, I grew up in a small town. You think I want to see my neighbor two freaking streets down rocking my hand-me-downs better than me? Fuck that.

1:02:39Yeah, growing up poor, I was also raised by my grandma. I'm based at Courage of Cowley Dominican. No Courage of Cowley dog fans in here? Fuck you.

1:02:54But growing up poor with my grandma, she would always have me reusing grocery store bags as like tiny trash can bags. You ever do that, guys? Yeah, right? Not bad.

1:03:07But, um... Damn.

1:03:11Brian Redban:All right, we'll leave it there, y 'all. Yes, you will. Lorenzo Tyree. We were waiting. We've waited for a bomb like you all night, Lorenzo. Even the people that have done bad before were doing good here tonight, and then you came out, our first female comedian of the night. Look at you. My goodness gracious. Look at you, Gucci though, okay. All right, very good. You really got me there, Lorenzo. amazing so let's talk about it how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy i've been doing it for two years now where at all around austin i i started here you started here at the mothership come on i've been on before you don't you don't remember me no you you have been on before yes sir wow what what did we find out in the interview last time you were on my dad's fucking please tell me that your dad got murdered wow this is incredible three in a row no he actually died this year I'm not gonna lie really how did he die pneumonia wow Jesus wow what crime was he committing when the pneumonia got to him he's got a running theme here for a few comedians in a row it's incredible what was he robbing at the time fucking my childhood shit amazing amazing so the pneumonia got him that was recent yeah a couple months ago were you close with him no no uh he lived in dominica and i i'm from alaska i don't know i went there to see him he was a piece of shit how do you end up in alaska if he's dominican so uh he ran he ran from his crimes to alaska what were his crimes by the way people make i mean like holy shit this is you know people are like wow kill tony you know maybe they're making a lot of stereotype jokes it's like we're not we are not we are just facing the truth and reality my father wasn't there for me he was robbing places trying killing people committing crimes holy fucking shit man like i'm trying to give everybody an opportunity here and holy shit this is like if asian people were coming out like Like, sorry, I'm late.

1:05:27Brian Redban:Got in a car accident. Like, this is crazy what's happening here. This is an eclipse. It's like a dark eclipse of darkness. This is incredible. Bunch of dead criminal fathers. Okay. So what kind of crimes was he committing? This was in Alaska? Nah, he escaped to Alaska. That's where he got caught. But last scamming, he was a scammer. He was a scammer. Okay. And what kind of scams was he doing? Do you know exactly? Shit. I think calls, like, he would set up... I don't know too much about him. I... Yeah. All good. Yeah. All good. Okay. So, he got caught in Alaska committing crimes and fled to the Dominican Republic?

1:06:11Deported.

1:06:12Brian Redban:Deported. Deported. Wow. What year was this? Free... Who was president at the time? It was, like, 2001. 2001? Oh, okay. Wow. He must have really committed crimes for Biden to deport him. It's amazing Normally he would just keep those people here And tell them to get out and vote Anyway Lorenzo Tyrese So what's mom up to? Mom? Just like last time She's still on drugs Still on drugs? What kind of drugs is mom on? Be real with you The neokind Wow, damn So you're out there on your own You're just doing it How old are you Lorenzo? She got a man though? Huh? No, I'm sorry Lance wanted me to ask that

1:07:02Alright, alright, alright I was a little curious

1:07:13Brian Redban:Wow So how old are you, Lorenzo? I'm 23 23 years old What? Huh? 23 Yes, sir Yep Okay, so you have any special skills or hobbies that you do when you're not doing stand-up comedy? I've been cutting homeless people's hair. Really? Yeah, I actually retired. Are you getting their permission first?

1:07:39Yeah, black and mild and free haircut.

1:07:43Brian Redban:They love it. They love it. Amazing. Do they really love it or are you giving them the same haircut that you have? Well, I buzzed a couple because I couldn't work with it. They had nothing up here, just straight sunburn. So, yeah, I just... How many homeless people do you think you've given haircuts to? This is so interesting. Eight on camera. Oh, you're making money off of it. Oh, you're absolutely doing it for your own personal gain. That's great. Wow. Incredible. Your parents would be so disappointed if they knew this was happening. Okie dokie. Nobody laughed at that. I guess I'm the asshole on that one.

1:08:21Brian Redban:All right. 23. Been doing comedy for two years. What else about you? How do you make money? Work at a little smoke shop. Okay. That's another theme. Yeah. It's the second one. There's a running theme here. You ever get robbed there? Not yet. Okay. Not yet. What did you say? It's a what shop? Hemp. Hemp shop. Hemp. Okay. How long have you been working there? um about a year and a half okay yeah all right yeah i like it what's your love life like so i wasn't booed up when i last got here but i have a girlfriend now okay where'd you meet her at uh hinge yeah hinge right after i got off i was like kill tony might be regular posted all the photos of me.

1:09:12No. She tried to scam her.

1:09:16Brian Redban:The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I'm sorry. Was I hallucinating or did you come out and do like a titty dance? Oh, wow. No, that's real. That happened? That's crazy. I've never seen puberty stop at the neck before. That's nuts. Your head is completely untouched by testosterone. It's true. I used minoxidil trying to get a beard, and that shit did not work. Oh, man. It takes time sometimes. Lorenzo, let's talk about it. When you met this girl on Hinge, where's the first place you went on a date? We went to Red Farm, Asian cuisine. Asian cuisine. How did that go? Pretty good. Anything weird happen?

1:10:08Brian Redban:Um, no. Okay. No. And then you took her back where? To your place, her place? Um, shit. Alaska. We went on a long-ass walk in the dark. I was like, are you sure you want to do this? This is kind of weird. And she's like, yeah, I do this all the time by myself. I'm like, what? Have you heard of the Rainy Street Ripper? And she's like, yeah. I think you're the one that should be worried about the Rainy Street Ripper, buddy. I don't know if you've seen his clientele, but it's you. It's us. It's us. It is. It is us. I know. But I put that one on you. I've already had about five gay jokes on me this episode.

1:10:53Brian Redban:Okay. So, Lorenzo, how long have you been with her now? It's been five months, six months. Okay. What's the highlight of it all? What's your favorite thing about having a girlfriend? friend um she's really funny honestly she's really funny i'm not gonna lie nice well next time you should have her sign up oh my god no lorenzo you're doing fine buddy you're you're just beginning you're so young thank you you're you've you've got that you love doing it right i do you got a small joke book last time i did guess what tonight you're getting a medium-sized oh my goodness we're We're working up. We're working up.

1:11:33Brian Redban:Let's go. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, Lorenzo Tyree. There you go.

1:11:45No?

1:11:51Brian Redban:All right. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? All right. We're going to keep it moving along here. make some noise for your next bucket pool Buffy everyone, Buffy

1:12:07Buffy

1:12:18Brian Redban:One more time for Buffy everybody Starting now A little girl once asked me if I was from Whoville

1:12:38What? Okay.

1:12:46What?

1:12:51What is happening? Are y 'all having bowel movements?

1:13:04cool

1:13:09the last guy I dated I called daddy because he too forgot my birthday ghosted me and said I was too loud in bed

1:13:30But I'm finally dating somebody that's not after just one thing. He's after two. Well, three if we count my mouth.

1:13:43Brian Redban:Okay, Buffy, we're going to stop you there. Wow. You got two and a half jokes out there in 60 seconds. Took a little while. You let the crowd kind of be symphony with you, if you will. Yeah. Welcome, Buffy. Have you done stand-up before? I have. Okay. How long have you been doing it? I've been on here before. You have? 743. 743. Absolutely. What are we on now? Yeah. Okay. Perfect. Thank you, Red Band. What a great partner. Okay. It's like two months ago. Did it go better last time? Are you under the influence of something right now? No. Nothing at all? No medicine, no alcohol, nothing at all? Mmm.

1:14:32Brian Redban:Uh-huh. What is that? What's that noise? What is the answer? You can tell the truth. It's okay. We all know it. We are positive. Shakespeare's. Okay, what did you have at Shakespeare's? Just a picture. Just one pitcher? It's a vodka soda pitcher, right? Okay, okay, okay, okay. I had the bucket of Xanax special.

1:15:05Shakespeare's.

1:15:07Brian Redban:Holy shit. Cool, cool. You're not driving tonight, are you? No. Okay. All right, good. How do you travel? How do you get around? I typically drive. You typically drive, but you didn't drive tonight. No. Are you sure? You're leaving your car downtown, aren't you? Thank you. No, don't thank me. Just out of curiosity, can we get the breathalyzer? Do we have the breathalyzer? Let's try this.

1:15:40Brian Redban:Grab a Narcan just in case while you're at it. We got to get dust off the old breathalyzer here. We got to, yeah, here she comes, the lovely Heidi with the breathalyzer. It's taken a few practice runs, but I think Heidi has actually trained on this now. Yes, so here we are, ladies and gentlemen. And do we have the police officer? Can he pop up real quick? Can we get our buddy up here? Is she blowing? She blew for a minute, 15 seconds during her set. This should be pretty easy. Here's our resident police officer. Make some noise for Barbosa.

1:16:27Brian Redban:What do we got? What's the reading there? It says flow. FLO, what does that mean, Barbosa? Flow? And flow. You know what that means? Why don't we try it again? And Heidi has the technical abilities of an absolute blow-up doll, ladies and gentlemen. It's incredible. There she is. She's blowing everyone. The breathalyzer can't get herpes twice, I heard. There you go. There's something happening, Heidi. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. It's a real breathalyzer. And the answer is... It's on a loading screen. And... What the fuck? Oh, 0.15. So hold on. All right, all right, all right. Let Barbossa...

1:17:23Brian Redban:Tim, give Barbossa that microphone real quick. I don't know what that means. Well, he's about to tell you. What would 0.15... 0.15. What would that win her if you pulled her over? What would 0.15... She got a little joke book, big joke book?

1:17:42Definitely a big joke book and a trip to jail.

1:17:45Brian Redban:Ah, I love it. We got to make sure. Keep an eye on her tonight. Don't let her hit the streets. Deep Madness, too. Don't let him drive tonight either. Yeah, that's pretty high, right? That is high. I believe that's twice over the legal limit. Yeah. You performed like you were three times over the legal limit. So that's the good news. No, this changes everything. She started to find a rhythm by the end, and I think it makes it actually pretty impressive. That is amazing. You may have found your voice. How about a hand for Officer Barbosa, ladies and gentlemen? Always amazing. The Austin Police Department.

1:18:16Brian Redban:That's a real police officer. That's how present they are. In L.A., you could call them, and it'll take an hour and a half for them to show up. Here, it's like, hey, can you come up here real quick? Texas justice over here. Have you gotten a DUI before? Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Only one? Only one. Very good. What did you blow on that one? The cop?

1:18:45Brian Redban:How much? Huh? Do you remember what you blew? It was in 2013. Oh, that's a whole different time. Back then, a.15 was worth.18. Right. Buffy, what do you do for work? How do you survive? So... What is so funny? I didn't even answer. You're drunk. You signed up for this show. I know, I'm so excited. Hell yeah. No, I'm a stunt driver. I told you that. Oh, I remember you now. I'm that person, yeah. Okay. Have you been working lately? No, I'm in Austin. Okay. So how do you make money when you're in Austin? Well, I saved up some money to be here. Okay. All right. All driving is stunt driving after you've had a few.

1:19:42She's drifting in other lanes and shit like that.

1:19:47Brian Redban:Amazing. Buffy, what's your love life like? You're here in Austin, Texas, a bunch of rock stars all around you, musicians all over. It's changed since I've been on the show. Oh. I've been offered a lot of ski trips. Is that a code for something? Yeah. Guys want to do cocaine with you on 6th Street. No. Let's take a ski trip to Shakespeare's half-price pitchers. I've been jacking off two guys. Yeah. No, when I was on here, I mentioned about not wanting to date older men because they were writing off activities like skiing. And so men in my DMs were offering me ski trips. Wow. That's nuts. Amazing.

1:20:41And I'm like, they have money, so I should take them up on it.

1:20:45Brian Redban:Did you take anybody up on it? One guy offered me, like, golf lessons, and so we're going to have, like, a golf lesson. Well, Tony and Lance are looking for a third for tomorrow. Wow.

1:21:06I don't know if you feel like driving the golf cart. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's called a threesome, not a third. Force threesome, force. Lance, you old dog.

1:21:21Brian Redban:Buffy, what else? You told me to say that. What? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Uh. Woo! Woo! Buffy, what else do you do for fun? What else makes Buffy Buffy other than the stunt driving and the attempting comedy? What else? Oh no! Attempting comedy. What? Oh, okay. Did you just piss a little? Yeah. What the hell was that? I've never seen anyone get drunker without drinking on stage. This is incredible. This is like the delayed release alcohol. Wait, what? Other than the comedy and the stunt driving, what else do you do? And makes me leak a little? What? God. Bitch, you're retarded.

1:22:11Brian Redban:There she goes, everybody. Buffy, you already have a little joke book, right? No, I have a big joke book. Well, you fucking fucked it up tonight. There you go. There she goes, Buffy everybody. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes you've done it. Can I grab car keys real quick? Sometimes you've done good. You get a big joke book and then the next time you get a little overconfident. You fucking have a pitcher of vodka next door and then there she goes everybody. Buffy everyone. Buffy the vodka pitcher slayer. Well, I have a very, very special treat for all of you, ladies and gentlemen. A very, very, very...

1:22:58Brian Redban:One of the greatest comedians in the world is here to bless us for a moment of stand-up comedy. Not only is he one of me and Lance's favorite golf friends, he's also one of the coolest guys in the world, and like I said, one of the greatest comedians in the world. The guy that got this whole Austin party started. Make some fucking noise for the one and only Ron White!

1:23:37What a band! What a band! Roll to pass and admission. so i just got off a plane and i came i actually heard lance was gonna be on and i thought i gotta come up here and i just came in from los angeles and my favorite thing about los angeles tony is that the people out there are and you know i've always been kind of pro california which is not always a popular thing you know and but the people out there are just so goddamn pretty and i and i'll tell you how it happened back in the 1920s they started making movies out there and all these beautiful people from all over them though all over America flocked the fuck out there to be in the movies and they couldn't all be in the movies some got regular job but they met those people that were in the movies they got together they had these beautiful babies and those babies grew up and met other babies from the same area they got together and had even more beautiful babies and almost the exact opposite thing is happening right now in Kansas

1:24:48Kansas is full of ugly quitters. Have you ever been there? It's true. Those people that live on the West Coast, their forefathers got on the Oregon Trail and fought hardships you and I can't even dream of with starvation and weather crossing the Rocky Mountains. Not those people in Kansas. Their forefathers got on the Oregon Trail in St. Louis, Missouri. They got to Kansas and said, fuck it, I'm staying here, and I'm going to fuck that fat girl right over there.

1:25:17We had a baby. It looks like a potato. And that potato grew up and met another potato from the same town and... That's a downward spiral. Topeka. That's exactly how that fucking happened. No, I generally just popped in to say hi.

1:25:42Brian Redban:That is amazing. You guys get to see exactly how the fuck it's done. That's the difference between a bucket pool and a regular and one of the greatest of all time, Ron White. You are the fucking man. All right, man. Good to see you guys, man. Just wanted to say hi. We'll see you in a little bit. We'll party after this. Come on, guys. One more time for Ron fucking White. Holy shit. What a show we have tonight. Unbelievable. Hey, what do we have over here? What do you... Oh, this guy. You want to come say hi? Pop out real quick. Look at this. It's like the Royal Rumble tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

1:26:25Brian Redban:Absolutely anything can happen. Popping in also to say hello. Another one of the greatest comedians of all time. Absolute comedy royalty. The son of Mitzi Shore. Movie star. Comedian. This is Pauly Shore.

1:26:46Thank you. What's up? How's it going, dudes? Thank you.

1:26:52What's up? So I did acid recently. Anyone else do acid? The thing is, if you do acid, don't do it at the fucking sphere in Las Vegas. That's fucking gay. I did it in the back of one of those Waymos. Holy shit.

1:27:10The Waymos are the fucking cars with no one fucking driving. I started freaking out. I started fucking driving the car. And after that, I gave myself two stars, two stars. At least I'm not sober like gay-ass fucking Charlie Sheen, bro.

1:27:30What a fucking sellout this guy is. Right? Anyone here sober? That's not fucking cool, dude. I have friends that are sober. I got this one friend that's sober. He doesn't do shit. I'm like, you can't have a glass of red wine with your fucking dinner, bro. He's like, if I do that, don't want to snort an eight ball. I'm like, how the fuck do you go from wine to a fucking eight ball? He goes, I don't know. You fucking tell me, dude. And I have another friend of mine who smokes pot every day. You guys got these friends?

1:28:01He's throwing the marijuana. He puts in his food. Went to his house the other day, had some chicken pot pot pie.

1:28:13Brian Redban:Pauly motherfucking Shore. There you go. On to the next one. We're flying through it tonight. Thank you for having me on your... Make some fucking noise for Pauly Shore. This is a goddamn party. Thank you for having me on your program. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Now make some fucking noise for Shane Gillis. No, I'm kidding. That's okay. That's all right. I don't ever do that.

1:28:53Brian Redban:I lied. I lied. That was very naughty of me. Oh, this drunk guy's furious. Oh, yes. Yes. Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. and yet you pay for this. Oh, I love it. All right. Some poor innocent soul out of the bucket has to follow Ron White and Pauly Shore back to back. Make some noise for Liv Taylor, everybody.

1:29:29Is that Shane?

1:29:49Okay, I realize that I do look like I would never turn down a foot long, okay?

1:29:58I do hate Subway, though. I think it's overrated. Any Subway fans in here? Okay, a couple. I think it's overrated, but also like I just think their subs suck. I think like I hate Subway because they managed to convince the entire world that Jared Fogle, the Subway guy, we all remember him, right?

1:30:29Managed to convince the entire world that Jared Fogle, the Subway guy, I lost over 250 pounds by only eating Subway and not fucking kids. Guys, we all know the saying. Weight loss is what? Diet and exercise, okay? I've never fucked a kid, but I imagine it would take a lot of work, okay? That's all I'm saying. I don't know.

1:30:57Brian Redban:Okay, Lib Taylor. It's a tough spot you were in, Lib. That was a rip. It was back. You said Shane, and I'm like, where the fuck is he, dude? Yeah. Like, stop. I know. I know. You had to sweat it out back there, literally and metaphorically. Yeah. Liv, welcome back to the show. You've been on before. Yes. And what do we find out about you, Liv? Remind us what we know about Liv. A lot of sad shit. It's okay, though. I'm a... Dad alive? I'm an orphan. Mom. Dad is alive. Mom's dead. Okay. Mom's dead. How did mom die? She got hit by a car. Oh, wow. Okay. I was waiting for it. It's always some siren or horn or some sort.

1:31:38Brian Redban:Liv, has anything changed since the last time you were on the show? What's going on with you? What's up in life? I'm, you know, just working, surviving. What do you do for work? I'm a vet tech. Okay. I work in... How are the animals? Good? Yeah, they're, I mean, take it day by day. Any weird animals come in lately? I had a really, really sad case today. It's called a septic abdomen, which is basically like an intestine something perf so all the grossness gets inside and you gotta go in surgery and figure it out I do the anesthesia part so I keep the animal asleep dog or cat? it was a dog did it survive the surgery?

1:32:17it did survive the surgery I'm very proud wow it did survive

1:32:21Brian Redban:is there a butt coming there? there was a butt they elected to euthanize wait a second it fucking sucked I cried. It sucked. It's one of those situations where it was just a lot of money. And it was another situation with the dog. It was very, very young. And it was like a lifelong thing that they would have had to deal with. What was the lifelong thing? It had what's called like a liver shunt. So basically it only had a, it didn't metabolize things very well. So it only had like a certain lifespan. So it was like, it would have probably lived to maybe four years old. Could they have fed it till it exploded?

1:32:56if it obstructed for sure for sure yeah is it true veterinarians have like a higher suicide rate than any other profession it is the number one number one for suicide rate 100 explain to us why that is because they're all wearing fucking chokers yeah there's a lot of us that wear these in that in that profession um i mean you just you just got to think about it like human medicine and veterinary medicine don't work the same so like insurances work the same it's very costly when you have things happen with your animals, like emergencies and stuff, so people just can't afford it. Oh, yeah, I'm upside down on a cat right now.

1:33:30People... $2 ,500 on a cat I don't like. What's happening with your cat? He ate half of a Nerf dart, and it got stuck in his bowel. Obstruction. Obstruction, I'm telling you. And a fucking dumb chubby bitch charged us$3 ,000 to get it out. She's right next to you.

1:33:51I saved your fucking cat, okay? Be thankful. That's years of schooling. You're welcome.

1:34:01Brian Redban:Wow. Amazing, Liv. What else is going on in life? You have a boyfriend? Uh, yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah, kind of, sort of. Well, I mean, I do. I'm also a widow, so I've just started getting... Your guy died in a car accident. Correct. Wow, everything with cars. I just... Lots of cars. Yeah. Yeah, it's wild. You're a widow. Believe it or not, I'm a woman, but I'm an excellent driver. You can ask anybody. I don't care what anybody says. I am actually a really good driver. Anyways, that's why I'm still alive, okay? Anyways. It's amazing. You're a good driver, and you do euthanasia. If you rewind it, it's a great joke.

1:34:42Okay.

1:34:45Brian Redban:Okay. Yeah, so I'm still, like, I started seeing somebody when I first got here, and we were like seeing each other for a while and I kind of just got into like this like panic mode I think where I didn't exactly know what I wanted and I kind of just wanted to be by myself but I think it's more so just like I want to figure out who I am as a person outside of being with somebody else I know I know it's so sad I'm back with this person I'm back with this person we'll make it exciting I fuck Tony I fuck okay when you say that what exactly do you mean I fuck. Yeah, but when you say that so aggressively, what exactly do you mean by that?

1:35:26Brian Redban:All the dogs.

1:35:30Brian Redban:Yeah.

1:35:34I mean, you know, like, I guess very straightforward said, like, you know, lady in the streets, freak in the sheets kind of thing. Now, is dog squirt also pissed? That's a good question. I'm sorry, Lance wanted me to... No!

1:35:56This shit has to stop. Yeah, I agree, Lance. It's not going great. No, but I did see...

1:36:08Brian Redban:What did you see? I did see a dog clitoris for the first time a couple weeks ago. Let's go. Tell us about it. They're evolving. This is good news for Red Band.

1:36:22I mean, basically the dog came in because the owner saw a mass on the vulva, which for men, that's the outside of the vagina, just so you know, that's what it's called. There you go. How much pressure do you got to put on them?

1:36:38Are you supposed to be inspecting your pet's vulva and I didn't know that? I mean, it's kind of there for you to see. You know, you can see if a dog's a male or a female just by looking at it. For sure, but, you know. I mean, they're looking pretty close, but it was just like right there. They said it was like a fleshy mass, and then just looking at it.

1:36:58Brian Redban:That's how most guys would describe a clitoris in this room. Like, what is that? I don't even know what that is. What's that fleshy mass on the outside there? She's like, I don't know. I think that's her clitoris. So was it a big clit? It wasn't. It was just, that's not normally where it's like. What kind of dog was it? What was the breed? It was like a doodle thing. It was a doodle thing with a... Yeah. You know they mix everything with poodles? Yeah. They call them doodles. Do you know what's Instagram?

1:37:33Red band. Oh, my God. I'd love to have her on the secret dog show Thursday afternoon.

1:37:45Brian Redban:You're getting a little bone.

1:37:50How much would it cost to get my dog's vulva bigger? And like some nine breast implants. It's a whole different specialty, dog. That's a whole different specialty.

1:38:02Brian Redban:Red Band asked him to ask that question.

1:38:08Brian Redban:Wow. So, wow. My job's a lot of fun. It can be. The job is fun. Yeah. Wow. And they have clits. Yeah, it's crazy. Your dog has a clit. If you have a female dog, it has a clit. Amazing. Do dogs squirt? Is that a thing during sex? Is that possible? Just out of curiosity. Expressing glands? No. Expressing glands? Expressing anal glands. That's different. That's different, Redman. I have seen a male dog. Like, you know how you'll see funny videos of dogs just, like, humping the air? I've actually seen a dog, like, finish. Wow. It's, ew. it was fucking it was weird but I mean did it pull out like how did it no it was just in the air like he whoa she does fuck hold on don't leave me hanging dog don't leave me hanging dog hell yeah amazing Lib what size joke book did you get last time you wrote it I got a big one okay well there you go keep filling it up there goes Lib Taylor ladies and gentlemen All right, let's get one last bucket pool up here.

1:39:18Brian Redban:Your final bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Ian Sharp, everybody. Ian Sharp. Here we go. We're going to put our little ribbon on it after this.

1:39:33Wow. Thank you, guys, so much. Thank you for having me here. Thank you for welcoming me on this stage into this free speech zone where I can say whatever I want with no repercussions whatsoever.

1:39:47not like out in old free speech zone you guys know what i'm talking about right can you believe there's things i can't say today in america for example arnold arnold paul fuck arnold paul arnold you know that drink it's like half sweet tea half lemonade arnold paul fuck i can't say it wish they'd change it you know to something i can say Like, I don't know, like retard water, you know? I can say that any time I want. It just rolls right off the tongue, you know? Some people get mad at that joke, right? They say it's like it's punching down. But if you pay attention, it's not about anybody, right?

1:40:28Like, I'm not calling anybody that. I'm not anti-retard. I'm pro-choice.

1:40:42Shit, was that not a minute? Jesus.

1:40:46Brian Redban:Ian Schur. There we go. Hi, Ian. Thank you. Is this your first time on the show? So I counted as my first. My first time was on like a turbo round. So I just went up and did my minute, and then you guys got me out of here. Okay. Was that at Vulcan? No, it was here. It was here. It was like the record-setting most guests ever on the show. Okay. Well, you're a part of history. Welcome back, Ian. This went better, right? Absolutely, yes. I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, God, like 14 years. 14 years. Wow. Where at? Chattanooga, Tennessee. Wow. What keeps you in Chattanooga? Well, nothing.

1:41:23I moved here. Oh, the pussy.

1:41:27Brian Redban:Dogs have clits now. Ian, what do you do for work? I do IT tech support. Okay. Help desk? What is going on? Senior IT correspondent, Tim Butterly. Yeah. Look, help desk is where you start out. You don't make any money. Everyone thinks you're a fucking creep, and they treat you like dog shit. So it's like, this is a bro. I feel so seen right now. Hell. Also, real quick, I really liked your stuff. I thought that was a really great bit, and I was really impressed. Thank you so much. I don't think they gave it up enough. I really love that shit. Oh, shucks. You are adorable, Ian. You really are. What's the rest of your life like?

1:42:09Brian Redban:What do you do when you're not doing stand-up or doing IT? A lot of D &D. I paint miniatures. Never mind. Dungeons. Everything you would expect just by looking at me. Dragons. What else other than D &D? There must be other things. You Magic the Gathering. Do any Warhammer? Sort of, kind of. I mean, I play other games like Warhammer, but I mean, you guys don't want to hear about that. I don't want to go into all that, but you know, I mean, I... Bro, you're playing knockoff Warhammer? That's deep shit, man. Do you have a girlfriend? What do you think?

1:42:44Brian Redban:Have you ever humped the air and came?

1:42:50Brian Redban:Tony, it's like there before the grace of God go I, man. God bless you, brother. You watch Pornian? What do you think? It's a great interview. You're killing it. That could be every answer to every question. What would we find if we looked at your porn search history? What would we find? Ask me what I think.

1:43:15So you want a real answer?

1:43:17Brian Redban:Yeah, I want real answers here. You're going step-pet? No. Yes, liver shunt? Septic gut?

1:43:28Brian Redban:That's over the line. All right. What would be your honest search history? Give us something good here and honest. I like the older ladies. Ooh. Wow. Have you ever kissed an older lady in Austin, Texas? Have you? Not in Austin. Really? Is there an older lady out there that wants to come up and give this guy a kiss? That's a man for sure. We have the best fans in the world. Is there a woman over, we'll say, 40 or 50 out there? Anybody? Still that guy really wants to get on stage. Really? There's not a... I guess there's not even really an older woman. This lady doesn't want to... You can't suggest people, sir.

1:44:10Brian Redban:No, they have to want to do it. Come on, there's got to be someone out there. What about this lady sitting with the male mermaid? Ma 'am, I'm looking at you, yeah. Where? That's your husband. Yes, sir. Holy shit. I mean, where's the lady that blew a.18? Yeah.

1:44:31What the fuck did I sign up for?

1:44:33Brian Redban:She's a little girlie right now. There's nobody. We don't have a hero out there. There's no older ladies. People are still pointing. That's a man, everybody. There's some guys that are so drunk that they are still pointing at the same guy. Nobody? All right. Well, let's go. Can someone run outside real quick and find one? This is like my life. We're begging people to kiss me. No, no, no, no, dude. No way. Fuck it. I don't know. What about like a regular age lady or something? Yeah. Can we do like a glory hole kiss maybe?

1:45:08Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah, I'll be on the other side waiting for you. So, Ian, have you gotten no sexual partners whatsoever? You're not interested? What? I mean, I wouldn't say that. I've done pretty well. I love it. What? How dare you, Tony? I do all right. I do okay enough to not be sad about it. That's cool, man. Yeah, you seem happy. I like you, Ian. I like you. Thank you, guys.

1:45:38Brian Redban:Anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go? I mean, I don't know. I used to kind of be in a marginally successful metal band when I was younger. Oh, wow. What was the name of the metal band? Ooh, this is where it gets rough. We were called With Faith or Flames. We were a Christian metal band. Wow. What did you play in the band? I was the vocalist. Really? That guy. Can you give us an example? Can you give us a... It's been a while, but I'll try. Are the songs copywritten on YouTube? So, I don't think so. I mean, I think all the rights have gone back to us at this point. It's been that long.

1:46:14Brian Redban:Yeah, it'll probably set it off, but... Yeah. Can you do it slightly out of tune? You want me, like... You just want me to holler? Do you have an original? Yeah, just holler.

1:46:26Wow.

1:46:29Brian Redban:That's amazing. Ian, here's a big joke book. We love you, Ian. Hell yeah. Ian Sharp, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Jesus is the creator. He died for our sins. All right. There's only one way to end an episode like this, and what an episode it's been. We have the great Lance Armstrong, Matt McCusker, Tim Butterly. We've seen so much. Ah, yes. Sir Winston Pickles, Dedrick, Ron White, Pauly Shore ladies and gentlemen I present to you the record holder for all time appearances all time interviews a living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame the greatest Kill Tony regular of all time ladies and gentlemen this is the Memphis Strangler the Vanilla Gorilla the Big Red Machine William Montgomery

1:47:39Who is the luckiest man in America? Amy Schumer's husband. She's divorcing him.

1:47:50I was driving through Oklahoma this weekend and noticed signs that said, do not pick up hitchhikers. They may be escaped prisoners. What? So there are just so many escaped prisoners in Oklahoma that motorists need to be warned? Here's an idea. Use less steel on the escape prisoner warning signs and more on the jail cell bars.

1:48:11Maybe it's just me, but I feel like Beethoven's Fifth Symphony is when he really sold out. His first EP, though? Shit!

1:48:23I wrote a summary of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, and I think I'm just going to call them Cliff Notes. Okay, that's my time.

1:48:34Brian Redban:Wow, he's done it again. Exactly one minute for the man that's done it more than anybody ever. William Lights Out. McGumballs Montgomery. Wow. How's it going, Tony? What a performance. So nice to see you. I'm feeling much better this week. I've been on the row machine. And also, Lance, I really grew up watching bicycling with my father. And there's a funny story. My mother was in town maybe a year and a half ago. and we see you up in the thing and my mom was like, yeah, William and his dad used to bike a lot. William's dad was pretty fast, not as fast as you. And without missing a beat, you say, yeah, no shit.

1:49:13It was hilarious. It really was. I didn't say that. I didn't say that at all. I'm kidding. It really is an honor though, Lance. No, I remember that. Your mom was sweet. I followed you on Instagram. I was like, this is cool. This is cool. And I didn't say that. Right. I thought it, but I didn't say it.

1:49:32Brian Redban:Yeah, fair enough. That's right. That's right. William was a big-time bicyclist back in his day. Still is. I thought you were about to say bisexual. Well. Still has the calf muscles. Your legs are absolutely ripped. You still got it. It's amazing that your legs don't match your head at all. I know. I just continue to lose all my hair, and I look sicker and sicker. I'm starting to look like Red Band a little bit in the face. A little bit. Lance, don't you think you're still a very fit guy? Don't you think Redman needs to do some sort of exercise? I think his fucking fat ass needs to do some sort of exercise.

1:50:09Maybe for his New Year's resolution. He can start losing a little weight or something. Don't you think even biking can help? I think something like that can help. Because Redman, Lance, listen to this. Redman gets a fucking, he finally gets a bike a couple years ago, but it's the kind of bike with a motor on.

1:50:30Brian Redban:And it is true. You can't even make it up. And to this day, the pedals are just spotless. That thing, straight motor. Got no pedals. Did you have a poster of Lance on your wall growing up? Yes, I had many pictures of bicyclists on my wall. Okay, Red Band. Red Band. I think Red Band had a bunch of Miss Piggy posters on his ceiling like a fucking weirdo. Let's check in with Tim Butterly. Red Band, do your tires still have those little tiny rubber spots going on? No, he uses the motor. He uses the hell out of the motor. He's had to change the oil. There's no oil. No, I know. It's electric. They're electric, and it's two motors.

1:51:21to get my fat ass up the hill.

1:51:24Brian Redban:But seriously, do you ever ride that thing? No, I do all the time. Really? In Pflugerville? Yeah. I mean, I don't ride it much downtown because you can't really park it anywhere, but yeah. Oh, that's why you don't ride your bicycle, yes. It's the parking is the problem. It's like a$5 ,000 bike. Oh, yeah. Lance, maybe you can inspire Red Band by letting him ride on your pegs for a little while. Yes. Hold on, Lance doesn't use pegs, dumbass. What the fuck? What kind of succulis do you think Lance is, dude? Seriously. He's not a BMX rider, dumbass. He's not using pegs. Seriously.

1:52:06William is... I got your back, Lance. I mean, can you believe it?

1:52:08Brian Redban:Yeah. Appreciate it. William is on fire tonight. By the way, all the poster talk, all this shit, you didn't follow me back. Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Fact, fact. On the tonight, Lance. Let me do it tonight right after the... No, too late. Block him, Lance. Yeah. Stop. Stop. Block his ass. He's a fake fan. I had your mom up there, everything. I was nice. Nothing. Wow. Why is that, William? Why didn't you follow him back? I don't know. I'm weird about it on there. I tried to... There's no excuse at all. Oh, my gosh, Lance. Let me ask you this. Why don't you name my friend Lance's three biggest wins?

1:52:51I mean, my personal favorite, what was it, 99? Was your first Tour de France win? Was it a 99? That was my favorite, honestly. Yeah, everyone knows Tour de France. Against motherfucking Jan Ulrich! I remember that shit! Fucking Pontani! Yeah. I follow you, Lance, and I sent you a picture of a woman's butt a couple months ago.

1:53:17Brian Redban:Yeah, you might know Red Band's won the Tour de Italy. at the Olive Garden. Yeah. Set the record. Hey, I got a hack for you. You want to hear it? Instead of tour of Italy, because I don't like the chicken parmesan, you just get a regular lasagna and a kid's Alfredo, and as a second side, you're allowed to choose apples or spaghetti. You get the spaghetti, and it makes a better tour of Italy. Wow, look at the momentum of the show completely come to a halt, everybody. We were all laughing there for a while. Right, babe? Be careful. I swear to God, I picture your fucking ass finally having your deadly heart attack.

1:53:53Fucking your face hitting the children's spaghetti. It's a fucking... That's like so sad.

1:54:04Brian Redban:William lights out Montgomery. We love you. What an appearance to be here. Thank you. One more time for William, everybody. And we did it. Thanks to PrizeFix and Shopify. Tim Butterly has the Algonauts. Algonauts, the fourth Tuesday of every month with Matt McCusker, who's got his special Humble offerings on Netflix right now. How loud can this place get? He had no reason to join us other than being a cool guy. Motherfucking Lance Armstrong. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, that's a Matt McCusker. Look at that. That's amazing. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

1:54:44Brian Redban:The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. Red band. Check out Sunset Strip, ATX.com, secret show every Thursday. We love you guys. I don't know if it's sold out yet or not, but Kill Tony, the actual show Kill Tony, is going to Houston and Dallas in February and March. Actual tapings of the real show. So check that out if it's still available. And we love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.

1:55:29We'll be right back.

1:56:11The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

1:56:47Thank you.