#751 - SHANE GILLIS + JOE ROGAN

17:43Wow. Don't say it now. Definitely don't say it. They're going to fire you, bro. For those of you listening For those of you maybe not watching And just listening to the podcast The Kojak is black, everybody I know he's extremely racist Towards the blacks But I promise you, he is black This is incredible I just have a problem with George Floyd

18:06Brian Redban:Why? What's your problem? They said he was my hero I had George Floyd and fucking P. Diddy To look up to as heroes That's some bullshit Yeah, man I mean, do you say what you got to say? Yeah. And I think all the educated blacks would agree. Oh, shit. Again, he's black. Where's Candace Owens when you need her? Wow. So, Jack, when you say you're the number one waiter in all of Austin, what do you mean by that? That means I was rated number one in all of Austin by anyone that comes in and I take care of. Okay. All right. What do you think? You like steak? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like bone-in filet?

18:57Brian Redban:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like bone-in at my butt.

19:03Just beat me to the punch on that. Yeah, exactly. I was going to say, yeah, he likes hot dogs. He got any hot dogs at that steakhouse? Let's go. Fucking.

19:15Yes, I'll have six hot dogs. That juicy. We got a nice petite filet for you. Oh, my God.

19:28Brian Redban:All right, brother. Kojak, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or waiting tables? I do a lot of cooking at home. I have a... I'm always at H-E-B shopping, so I have a lot of... My boyfriend is Puerto Rican, so we make a lot of Puerto Rican. Yo! Whoa! Look at that! A racist, gay, black! If you have that on your bingo card. Again, if you were on PrizePix, if you were on PrizePix, and you bet only$2 that the first bucket pool would be a gay, black, racist against black comedian. With only a$2 bet, you just won$3.5 billion. This is why you need to go to PrizeFix, use the promo code TONY, and place your bets.

20:21A$2 bet would have gotten you$3.5 billion. Gay, black, racist against blacks. Do you want to be my new best friend? No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Do you like hot dogs? What are your thoughts? We'll put those on your George Foreman grill. We'll have a hell of a night. Tell us about this Puerto Rican boyfriend. What does he do for work? He works at H-E-B. Wow. I get that discount. Oh, my God. What's he working? The bakery? He's in the meat aisle, Tony.

21:02What part of H-E-B does he work at? He's a bagger. Ooh, a bagger. Look at that. That's the only time he bags, right? Raw dog motherfucker. That's right. I'm 20 years a senior, so I bagged him. Wow. Oh, racist gay pedophile. Racist gay black pedophile. You're that whole flag that was just out of here. Racist.

21:37Oh, my God. Wow.

21:40Brian Redban:Oh, my God. How long you been with this bag boy? Five and a half years. Wow. His in-laws are... Well, my in-laws are moving here. He's got his mom and his grandmom to come move. Oh, my goodness. And it's a little bit of an age gap, but me and his mom are the same age, so that was a... That was a hill to get over. You're with a young... You've been with a young... How old is he? Wait, you're 47. 46. That's even worse. is he 15 years old like why is he a bagger there you go hey shut up how old is he kojak mean he just turned 25. wow look at you oh y 'all care about gay now get the out of here like y 'all care about gay all of a sudden out of here i love it he b now hiv later How exciting is your life?

22:43Let's fucking go. Well, Kojak, fun times. You know, I like the George Floydman joke. You're getting a big joke book, buddy. There you go. We're going to keep it moving along. Hey, can you come? Will you come? And I'll serve you. Come to my restaurant. I don't know what fucking, or you didn't want to say the name of the restaurant. Shane will tell you. Okay. The Lowercase Grill. Lowercase grill Hey, that's code, dude I don't know what you guys do Oh, he knows Thank you, you guys are great Okay, there he goes All right Kojak, everybody There he goes Right out the back door Just like he likes it Oh, there's the lovely Heidi, everybody Look at her She's gonna be working hard tonight On these Bud Lights Live in the flesh HeidiRegina.com She's got a podcast A bunch of shit going on.

23:36Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Nick Tormey, everybody. Here we go.

23:48Nick Tormey. Hey, everybody. So a little bit about me. I'm not really great at following through on things. Like, I dropped out of community college twice. I tried hanging myself, wound up with a choking fetish.

24:08The rope broke from the ceiling, but I shot a few more right back up there.

24:20You never know when you're going to find a new hobby. Like, you think anyone ever found out they're good at parkour by attempting suicide? They jump from the building, then the moment before impact, they tuck and roll. Some French guys show up, possibly he starts playing. I think it's much more likely someone's attempted parkour and found out they're good at suicide.

24:53All right. There he is, Nick Tormey. This your first time on the show, Nick? Yes, sir.

24:59Brian Redban:Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? About six years. Nice. Where at? Mostly Salt Lake. Okay. That's where you live still? No, I moved down here in August. Okay. How do you like Austin? I love it. It's awesome. What do you love about it? I like that there's no winter. I'm a big fan of that. Winter. Yeah. I'm from upstate New York. Then I lived on top of a mountain in Utah in a van for four years. So, I... Fucking drive down.

25:30Talking about... It took me four years to realize that shit. I'm not a smart man. I love it. What do you do for work? I did work at the ski resort for a while. That doesn't exist down here. I'm working for Amazon right now. I'm working for the devil. It's pretty fun. You're driving? Yeah.

25:55Brian Redban:Okay, what's that like? Oh, awful. Yeah, tell us. What do you need about it? They have you on a camera at all times. It's like an AI camera that's tracking you the whole time. And I also threw out my back yesterday, so I was walking around like Quasimodo for most of my deliveries. Wow. The last comic blew out his back, too.

26:20Yeah.

26:21Brian Redban:So, Nick, tell us more. What are you into, buddy? You have any special skills or talents that might surprise us? You seem like you have a little something up your sleeve. Me and I'm engaged. Me and my fiancé collect taxidermy. Oh, wow. Where'd you meet this bag boy at? I met her at an open mic. Huh? I met her at an open mic. Oh, nice. She does comedy, too? Yep. Yeah. Wow. Interesting. Did she sign up tonight? She did. She's at the bar next door? Yeah, she is. Colt, do you know who that is? Holly. What's her name? What is it? Holly. Holly what? Jensen. Holly Jensen. Go grab Holly Jensen. Let's see.

27:02Brian Redban:who the funniest person in this couple is. Always spontaneous fun here. Have a holly-jetted Christmas. Come on, folks. How did you get into collecting taxidermy? She got me into it. I got her a taxidermied frog. It's like a cane toad, like the invasive species in Australia. It's like a purse. She has it with her. Tell Holly to bring the frog. I see the frog. That's so crazy. My wife would stab me. No, she loves it. And we got some bats. We got some mice in a teacup. Was she doing van life with you or did you meet her here? No, she lived in the van for a year with me. Ooh, did you ever get close to the old Patino?

27:55I do like national parks. Big fan of the park system. I feel like a fight in a van would suck. Oh, it's awful. Yeah, there's not much room. Yeah. Yeah, I think I saw a documentary on Netflix about this one. That was my joke, you dumbasses. Oh, you did? Yeah, I said her name. Oh, I missed it. Say her name.

28:17I love it. So you got bats. You got rats. What else? We got a taxidermid fox we just got. We got a praying mantis. And she found a big dragonfly in the woods that we're keeping in the freezer right now. shit they say there's someone for everyone yeah today you see proof

28:41Brian Redban:so you guys have a place it's here in Austin what does she do for work? nothing right now looking for something do you get used taxidermy like people that have died that have sold it so it's like creepier she would probably love that for sure But, no, we went to a store. They had human skulls, too. It was weird. And spines. Ladies and gentlemen. Well, I guess they just sent her out. Okay, that's one way to do it. Can I see that frog? Yeah. Wow.

29:22That is crazy. That is awesome. He's got a little butthole. Is that real? Yeah. It looks fake. 100 % real. How do you know it's real, Joe Rogan? He's an invasive species in Australia. He's a cane toad. His name's Winston. He's our son.

29:41Brian Redban:Wow. Terrifying. Look at that. It's legit. That's incredible. I think it's a... I don't see a dick on it. I don't know if... It might be your daughter. Holly, you want to do the set that you were planning on doing here? That's how I would have done it. Instead of just sending her out randomly, I would have brought her up. Ladies and gentlemen, doing 60 seconds uninterrupted, make some noise for Holly Jensen, everybody.

30:07So I'm actually from Salt Lake City, Utah. I just moved here. And the first thing everybody always asks is if I'm Mormon. I'm not. I'm Jewish. But I did have a lot of Mormon boyfriends growing up. The cool thing about Mormon boyfriends is they have some really weird rules. Like they won't drink coffee, but they will finger a Jew.

30:30I've been having a hard time getting a job out here in Austin. When I was in Salt Lake, I was a stripper. Thank you. So much more supportive than my parents. I appreciate it. They hated the stuff that I would do at work. Like, I loved showing up with googly eyes as pasties. Turns out men don't like it when the tits stare back at them. Shit kept going wrong at the strip club. Like, one day our DJ didn't show up, so we had to dance to Pandora Radio. with the commercials on. So I was just twerking on some old dude like, do you struggle with osteoporosis? Thank you, that's my time. Wow! Holly Benson!

31:14Oh my God! This is one of the rare comedy couples where the woman is funnier than the man. Again, if you bet this on prize picks, you just won$750 ,000. He's taking her straight to a state park. You can't have that, dude. You cannot allow that. You have to kill her now. You have to kill her. Yeah, she's about to be... Taxidermy her, bro. Yeah. She's about to be in the freezer next to the dragonfly.

31:49Brian Redban:Holly, you're hilarious. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Awesome. And that was all in upstate New York or Salt Lake City? Oh, Salt Lake City, Utah. And that's where you're from. Yeah. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Why don't you work? Oh, I mean, I've been trying. I've been applying to jobs. What are you good at? What do you want to do? I'm good at stripping. I love doing stuff. Really? I love doing both of those things. So, yeah, a job in either of those things would be great. You've stripped before? Yeah. Amazing. Heidi, what do you think? Can you get her a job? You just got a job at the Yellow Rose.

32:27Brian Redban:Congratulations. Congratulations. Or at least an audition. This is the worst night of this guy's life. What are you doing?

32:38Why are you... Oh, my God. No, you're fired.

32:46This poor guy is going to be all alone tomorrow night at 2.30 a.m. petting a fucking dead bat.

32:59He talked about he tried to kill himself.

33:05Holy shit. Well, you guys fucking just did something real special here. Very entertaining. We got a small one for Nick.

33:19You guys want him to get a big one? All right. You guys are both getting big ones. There you go. There goes Nick Tormey and Holly Jensen, everybody. You know what, Holly, next year I would love to have you on the secret show, alright? Next year?

33:42Alright. Why'd you word it like that? Because he's completely basundo. Next Thursday's Christmas, the week after. So January. Say fucking January. Just say the next secret show. Hey, I'd love to have your next decade on... Jesus Christ.

34:04You're... Unbelievable. Well, it's been a hell of an episode so far. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Floyd Jones, everybody. Here we go.

34:23uh so uh are we just gonna act like kanye wasn't a nazi that's just how we're okay perfect uh i don't know if you guys heard he actually changed his name he's uh kanye auswest uh yeah kanye which is crazy like he said he was done making music done making controversial statements He's actually gonna open a chain of all-natural grocery stores. He's gonna name it Trader Jews. Uh, I don't... I think it's problematic, to say the least. Uh, but I like the thought of restaurants just fucking up. Like, I think it'd be cool if Olive Garden gave abortions. You know? Because then their tagline could be, when you're here, you were almost family.

35:02Uh, that's, uh... Speaking of how I'm a piece of shit at restaurants, you guys thought I was Puerto Rican. I'm black, I promise. I've got the paperwork. I'll get 23 and meet right now, even though that just sounds like a cool movie about Michael Jordan. So, but white people just need to know. They're like, I just want to make sure. Like, God. And so I like to go to sushi restaurants because the waitress is never black. And when she comes over, I go, hi, could I get some salmon niggery? And she's like, you mean nigiri? Wow. Damn. A lot of oohs and aahs during that set. Floyd Jones.

35:45Brian Redban:Welcome, Floyd. Is this your first time on this show? Yeah. Grabbing that microphone, buddy. I don't know how that happened, yeah. It's a habit. Okay. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing comedy, Floyd? Since, like, 2021, you know? January 6th, right? Okay, not great. Okay, Shane knows. Oh, my God, Joe Rogan. Dude, hell yeah. Hey man, without you? Aw man.

36:15Let's go! Let's go! Fuck. These are your heroes, Joe. Honestly, this is like Pokemon. It's like you started Tony, you ended Shade, and like, ahhh! The Charizard himself, dude. Holy fuck. Aw dude, let's go! Where was this? Where was this? Dude, I wasn't ready for it. I'm sorry.

36:45Brian Redban:People are having better interviews than sets tonight. Yeah, yeah, hey, hey. Floyd, tell us about you. What do you not do for a living? I just care. I guess care. No, I play music, man. I'm a drummer and a metal band. You're a professional musician? Yeah, in a metal band, yeah. Really? You're a drummer? Yeah. Well, I mean, it's been a long time since we've done this, but for those of you that are fans of the show, you might know that if anybody that does comedy on this show drums, we have a little thing where they get a drum solo and our house drummer gets a drum solo. And if the guest drummer is able to beat our drummer, in a drum-off, they become the full-time drummer of the show.

37:40Brian Redban:Like Highlanders. A drum-off here. And if you beat Michael Gonzalez in the drum solo-off, you become the full-time drummer on the show. And Michael has to dress like a five-year-old and play in a metal band. this is a mexican drum off ladies and gentlemen now i must warn you floyd jones michael gonzalez all time is undefeated here on his home turf but i'm guessing that floyd since he does this for a living might have a little something well we know he doesn't have anything up his sleeve because he's wearing a basketball jersey but i'm I'm guessing he is very talented. Let's see what happens here.

38:28This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Netflix. January 12th.

38:34Brian Redban:One, two, three, four.

39:19There you go. That is indeed a drum solo. That is a good one. That is a good one. I really fucking hope Michael puts it together here. I would hate to look at those flabby arms every week. An incredible amount of blatant ozempic weight loss on this guy. Wow. Defending his throne. Undefeated all time in Mexican drum offs. On his home turf. This is Michael Gonzalez. Thank you.

40:32Yep. Thank God Almighty. Really tied it together there at the end. Let's see. Unfortunately, it's not up to us. It is up to the live audience here.

40:44Brian Redban:Do we have a decibel meter? I can't remember. We have it going? All right. So here we go. Colt on the camera, on the decibel meter. How many of you have Floyd Jones winning this Mexican drum off? Make some noise. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning?

41:03Wow. Thank God. I may have affected this election. Wouldn't be the first time. But Floyd, you gave it a hell of a run. It was very good. Good interview. Good set. I guess you get to keep those drumsticks. There's a big joke book. There he goes, Floyd Jones, ladies and gentlemen.

41:27There goes Floyd saying goodbye to Shane and Lord Charizard, or whatever he said. There's another Bud Light brought to you by Bud Light.

41:39Brian Redban:Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special time in the show's history because we have a brand new regular who has absolutely taken the show over by storm. This is a brand new set. They get to do a little bit longer than a minute if they want. And this is the dark storm of Atlanta, ladies and gentlemen. He is here. Make some fucking noise for Dedrick Flynn.

42:06Yeah! Oh, my God. What you know about being the only black dude at a country music festival in Kennesaw, Georgia, called Shaky Boots Festival? Yeah, no, I only found that out because when I walked into the venue, a dude ran up to me out of breath, and he was like, hey, my nigga, you know you out of uniform, right? And I was like, no, I'm here for the festival. I love Blake Shelton. I love Kenny Chesney. And he was like, nigga, stop lying. I got an extra vest in my car. And I was like, no, I'm here for the festival. and I showed him my ID and I showed him my badge and he looked at my ID and he looked at my badge and he looked at me and he looked at my...

42:56Tasha! You gonna wanna hear this. So Tasha came over, I met Tasha, she did the same thing.

43:06Jamal! I met everybody one by one. I made all 37 black people like I'm a black Noah's Ark. They kept calling me the day walker. They said I was Blade.

43:21And it was a great country music festival, man, because all the black people that was working at the event kept giving me free drinks, but they also had re-entry. They stopped doing it. They had re-entry into the festival, so we'd just go to the car and parking lot pimp, drink beers. And the reason why we knew it was time to go drink beers is because my best friend, Jessie, who's a redneck Filipino but raised black because she was my best friend, her older sister Jackie had just had a kid and she would look us in the face and she would be like I need to get out of here my tits about to pop I gotta go pump so we would go back to the car and she's chugging beers we're all drinking beers and she's pumping but she pumped more than like a regular like a white woman could never pump as much milk as it take to make a redneck Filipino that's raised black.

44:11Like my nephew Maxwell today, he's 10 years old, he's taller than me. So she's pumping a lot and I'm looking at her titty milk and I wanted to taste some, but I ain't know how to ask.

44:28And then God got my back so much, he confused my friend Derek. My friend Derek saw me looking at the breast milk and he was like, yo, I bet you$100 you won't drink Jackie's breast milk. Nigga, I was already thinking about it. She got a husband. I don't know how you ask somebody. Like, are y 'all a couple? If you have breast milk, I gotta be like, hey, excuse me, brother. This breast milk, you ain't bringing it to your kids. It got alcohol in it. Can I sip something before we pour it on the ground? But for$100, I could at least buy one T-shirt while I'm inside the goddamn place. So I was like, hell yeah, let's run it.

45:10And so they brought the funnel out because it was too much titty milk to just sip. It was too much to sip. You got to bring the funnel out. It was like two gallons of titty milk she was pumping. And I chucked it all in eight seconds flat. I was doing a great job. Also, I don't know if y 'all love titties as much as I do, but I research them.

45:33Breast milk tastes like whatever the mom is eating and drinking. So her titty milk just tasted like Tecate and tequila. With a little bit. It tastes like a redneck Filipino horchata. You know what I'm saying? It tastes like a little redneck Filipino horchata. But also, if y 'all study titties as much as I do, you would know that a titty milk has all the vitamins. I haven't had a hangover in 12 years, nigga. I'm doing good. That's about time I'm calling y 'all. Alea! Dedrick Flynn. Ladies and gentlemen.

46:08Dedrick, it is so fun to watch you perform. Two weeks ago, you had regular teeth. You're getting better with the grill, but there is a slight speech impediment still there. One of my favorite parts of the set is when you said, I wanted to taste them, but I didn't know how to ask. The grill is affecting those S's. It is. It is. I'm not used to money, Tony. It's amazing that you're willing to make the sacrifice. Out with the S's, in with the gold teeth, still making it work, plowing through it. I love it.

46:55Brian Redban:Camoed up tonight. Look at that. Oh, yeah, I got that shit on, Tony. Did I say it right? That shit on. Hell yeah. Got that shit on. You know what I'm talking about. No, you don't. Yo, you still disguising that forehead. That shit is big as hell. Yeah, that shit is swooped over, but it's still got that plasma screen TV, bro. It's a good look. Don't let anyone talk to you. Take your hat off, Shane. Fuck you, dude.

47:24Don't. David Lucas was good at it We already had one David Don't do that My pocket's fat enough but not me You know what I mean David Lucas David Lucas is also wearing a grill right now It's a green egg Okay Is that right? Green egg It wasn't the reference that threw it off It was just My delivery's a little bit Floppy tonight I'll take them out. No, it's good. I won't talk to you. It's good to see y 'all. Y 'all looking good. Yeah. I'll get you more teeth if you kill David Lucas.

48:06How'd you guys think I was serious? Dedrick. Okie dokie. All right. Dedrick, how's life been going? Man, I'm doing good. I've got them touring like a motherfucker. We just left Lincoln, California together.

48:20Brian Redban:Yeah, I took Dedrick on our first road gig together. That was fun. Yeah, that was fun as a motherfucker. I ain't never been on a private jet, nigga. I was so used to getting pat down. They just walked down. It's like, would you like a coffee? And I was like, am I in interrogation? I'm ready to snitch on you. I don't know what you did. Yeah.

48:44It was a fun trip.

48:47Brian Redban:Especially the ride back in. Yeah, that was so much fun. Yeah, it was a blast. It was actually a... Very good, Red Band. Yes, we banged Red Band. He's a fucking disgusting pig. I like where he's going. Of course you do. You're the diddler. No offense. That's where his new lisp actually comes from. He knocked his teeth. All right. All right, sorry. Yeah.

49:24Brian Redban:Dedrick, Dedrick, Dedrick You guys have seen Dedrick, The Dark Storm of Atlanta What are our thoughts, Joe Rogan Other than his jacket and his hat What do you like about him? He's got a completely new style It's like your own thing It's great, I love it Thank you so much I've seen him perform a bunch of times Balancing, it's fun Get rid of the grill though, it's ridiculous You can't even talk You know you got money Either get real gold teeth or stop fucking around. Okay? Those aren't even like fake tits. They're like the rubber ones you stuff in your bra. Just get a goddamn operation and commit to a look.

50:00Okay? If you're going to get fucking gold teeth, get some gold teeth. That's so crazy. Those are real. Oh, there you go. That's what I like. Hey, Joe. I like commitment. You can affect how much I get paid every week. You got enough. Give me the real gold teeth, nigga. I go get them. I don't give a fuck. I got this to prove to my neighborhood I was doing good. But nigga, if you Joe Rogan, you know Joe Rogan. You know Joe Rogan. Name one thing about me. All right, all right. So you had the power to change my whole life, Joe Rogan.

50:37Brian Redban:You could put those on like a rope and just wear them around your neck and everybody would know you have money and they would be able to hear you pronounce your S's correctly. Yeah, I'm gonna tell you right now, Tony, I'm from the South. We ain't pronounce no S or T's the whole time I've been talking. But sometimes they don't understand me on the Internet, so I can talk how I want to. I agree. I agree. Like a slut. Freedom of speech. Dedrick, you've done it again. We love you. Freak of nature, the dark storm of Atlanta has graced us with his presence. On and on we go. Back to the bucket. This person has to follow Dedrick.

51:19Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for what appears to be a new name. Tyler Cole, everybody. Here comes Tyler Cole.

51:31Do y 'all think Indians do that head bob thing when they're sucking dick? Oh, my God. This is so big. Uh... Did y 'all hear Joe Biden woke up today? Yeah, so six more weeks of recession. That's what that means. So I went on a first date the other day, told the girl I was a comic, and she said, no way, I'd love to see you perform sometime. And I said, well, we should probably have sex first so you can appreciate just how long five minutes really is. It's a long time, I swear. Do we have any fans of Jersey Shore in here? Yeah, someone told me the other day I look like a cast member on the upcoming spinoff, Gaza Shore.

52:16It's just five Jews and five Palestinians arguing for an hour. This bedroom was promised to me. Someone also told me I look like the situation in the Middle East. And then they said it looks like my forehead could bench press 225 pounds. That was really rude. I've been Tyler Cole. Thank you, guys. Tyler Cole.

52:40Brian Redban:making fun of himself throughout fun stuff tyler welcome is this your first time on the show it is welcome welcome how long you been on stand-up uh four months now that chain's kind of tight huh a little bit yeah

52:58Brian Redban:are you are you are you a pit bull what is going on what exactly is happening over there is that the size that you want it to be i got the size wrong yeah why would you wear it

53:16did you just wrap dedrick's grill around your neck it's like an autoerotic fixation thing you know something yeah i guess uh you're trying to look cool right you got me but once you put it Weren't you like, no. I was like, fuck it, I spent 50 bucks. How much did you spend on that? 50 bucks, he was right. Wow, ladies and gentlemen, Shane Gillis. You don't think I've run into a tight chain? You gotta take that thing off, dude. Where'd you get it, like Hot Topic or something? I did indeed get it at Hot Topic, yes. Did you really? No, I forget. I don't know. You forget? Where you got the chain that squeezes your neck all day?

54:06It's because it's so tight, I forgot. Did you get it when you were in fifth grade? You just grew into it like one of those fucking African ladies? The fucking neck thing?

54:25What part of New Jersey are you from exactly, Tyler? His head's going to fall off of me. Takes it off. I'm from Austin, Tony. Born and raised in Austin. Born and raised. Wow. With a pinky ring and a choker. Yep. Leaning into it. Amazing. What ethnicity are you? White. Just regular white. Yeah. Not Italian. Just a buttered noodle. Wow. You're not Italian. No, not at all. This is nuts.

54:57Brian Redban:You're not Italian. Pinky ring and a necklace. Gob a ghoul. Gob a ghoul shirt. How does this happen? Explain to us how this happened. What exactly, how did you end up trying to be Italian? It's the chain. It's the chain. He bought the chain and it took over. He's a Wago. It's cursed. He's a Wago. It's cursed. Instead of a Dago, he's a Wago. You are a Wago. He's a white Dago. He's a Wago. Just a big Sopranos fan. Well, so am I. You don't see me not getting blood to my brain because of it. Tyler, what do you do for work? I sell houses. Do you really? I do really. Timeshares? No, houses. Regular houses.

55:40Are you good at it? Pretty good, yeah. Yeah, you see the fucking drip? Yeah, I'd say he's doing all right.

55:56When's the last time you exactly that you sold a house? When you closed on a house, when was it? It was in October, but I have a closing coming up tomorrow. Okay, what are you closing on tomorrow? Just a 2 ,000 square foot house in South Austin. Okay, what'd you sell it for? How much? $380 ,000. Wow. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Might be able to add a few links to that necklace.

56:27Brian Redban:Holler at your boy. I love it. Okay. What do you do? How long have you been doing stand-up? Four months. Four months. What made you want to start four months ago? Kill Tony. How old are you? 31. 31. And you've just been watching the show and you're like, I could do that. Yeah. Okay. I've been hitting open mics and getting booked by local promoters. I love it. You're taking it seriously and you seem to be doing good at it. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up and selling houses and pretending to be Italian? I like to shoot clays and when it's warm out, wakeboarding, paddleboarding.

57:04Yeah. When you shoot clays, do you get the gun out of the bathroom first? Yes. It's a godfather reference. Godfather jokes. Come on. I love it. You shoot clays. What else did you say? Lake sports. Lake sports. Like what? What exactly? Wakeboarding, wake surfing. Wow.

57:24Brian Redban:Amazing. Amazing, Tyler. What's your love life like? You have a little chicken parmesan at home? Single currently. Single. When's the last time you had a girlfriend? A few years ago. Okay. It's been a while. Oof, my fucking girl.

57:48Why are you fake Italian? Who the fuck wants to be Italian? Hey, what the fuck? Hey, take it easy. Fuck you two, Wabbs, dude. You fucking... You're in a guinea sandwich right now. Yeah. Oh, my God. This is a crazy race to appropriate. What the fuck are you talking about? You might have just started acting like Polish. I don't know, I like being Polish. What the fuck? Who compares the Italians to the Polish? Season two of The Wire, now I'm a Polak. Like, what the fuck? You're not Polish? No. I do look pretty fucking Polish, yeah. Pretty glaringly Irish. But whatever. Yeah. You don't see me wearing shirts about it.

58:33Brian Redban:So this relationship that ended a few years ago, how did it end? Found out she was married. Wow. Okay. I love this. My God, am I good at these little interviews. How did you find out? Exactly how did you find out that she was married? How long were you hooking up with her? Give us a ballpark here. It was like nine months in that she told me she was married. Nine months in, and she just told you? Yeah, when we first started dating, she said that... You weren't dating. You were fucking and hanging out sometimes. She was married. Go ahead. When we first started fucking, she said she was divorced.

59:08And then nine months later, she was like, Oops, actually, I'm not divorced.

59:12Brian Redban:Okay, where were you exactly when she told you this? Were you at a Best Buy, perhaps? No, we were bartending together at a club on 6th Street, and she told me while I was at work. Wow. Amazing. And that was that. Yep. She must have been fun. Yeah. Can you give us an example of the favorite sex? Crazy bitch doesn't tell you she's married for nine months. Working alongside you. fucking you and let's go to dinner. Fucking maniac. I bet she was so much fun. Can you give us an example of a fun sexual experience that you had with her? You guys ever bang at the bar or in the car outside? We did in fact bang at the bar, yeah.

59:56Brian Redban:You banged at the bar? Yeah. Bang at the bar. Bang at the bar.

1:00:07Brian Redban:Take us through this. How do you bang at the bar?

1:00:12just various locations you know you guys closing? yeah we had already closed like an hour ago yeah and she grabbed you by your chain and said come over here

1:00:25that's what it sounded like that's Tom Segura after breaking his arm

1:00:33it's the actual he was on my podcast today

1:00:39Brian Redban:So let me ask you this That rules suck Because you're at the bar, right? You're serving beverages But you're with a married woman So where are you finishing? You have to Is it inside or are you pulling out? That's a really good question Thank you Thank you Fuck yeah

1:01:02Every answer is bad Let's go She was on birth control. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Oh, cream pie. Yeah. Special delivery, daddy. It's a fake cannoli. It's not actually a cream pie. It's a vegan cannoli. Devastating.

1:01:28Some poor guy. Poor guy eating her out later. She comes home for the bar. He goes, how was your night? Salty. Italian? Tastes like... Tastes like dairy-free Alfredo. Wow. My God. Mountain house meal. Absolutely incredible. That's an evil world. Evil world. Wife's been pied by a Wapit bar. Does the husband know about you?

1:02:05Brian Redban:Did the husband ever find out? This is the billion-dollar question. I mean, they were separated, so they didn't live together. They weren't remotely involved. How the fuck do you know? I went to her house a few times. Whoa. Did they have kids? No, no kids. No kids. Yeah. But they got back together, she told you, and you haven't banged since. They did not get back together. They didn't get back together, but she was still married. Okay. Okay. Well, that's interesting. Yeah, that's a whole different thing. That's a happy ending. So then why would you... Why...

1:02:42I don't really get it. She tells you that... She's fun, Tony. Can't you just let a girl have fun? Yeah, Tony. Why do you want to stomp out all the crazy people in this world and make everything fucking boring? No, I just don't understand. Let her fuck the guy at work. I hope she yelled at you to come inside. I have no more questions, Your Honor. Did she yell? Tell us. Tell me, there's no porn here. I need to hear shit like this. Come on, Paisan. What did she call you? What was her nickname for you? There was no nickname. Yeah, there was. Oh, come on. Move the fuck out of here. Move the fuck out of here, this guy.

1:03:23What was the name of the bar that you guys were banging on? Oh, don't do it. Don't ruin everyone's life. You're so evil. Tyler, the set was for four months, pretty good. The interview, un-fucking-believable. Here's a big joke book. There you go, my friend. Tyler Cole, a hell of a catch. Hell of an interview. Very honest. Remember, you future Kill Tony bucketfuls, we love an honest interview. Some people get scared. Alright, this looks like a new name. This looks like a fun name ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for diamond debbie everybody here comes diamond debbie oh my god let's fucking go

1:04:15guys you got to do better than that make some noise for diamond debbie ladies and gentlemen Howdy. Old blue haired ladies, we know things. By this age, I know when I had too much to drink. I like you youngins, because diapers leak, y 'all. I was a single mom with an only child, and I highly don't recommend that to any youngins either. If only I'd had a litter, surely one of them would have failed at life and wanted to stay home and take care of me. Hey, and what's all this about the T word? we had that t-word back in the 60s y 'all tomboy most of us grew out of it the rest became y 'all's gym teachers well i was looking for love in all the wrong places during the pandemic i mean the nursing homes but you know the competition's pretty stiff there women outlive men and there's a lot of debbies in there i'm telling but by now even the guys with dementia after four or five times, they got it figured out.

1:05:17I'm not Debbie with the pop-out plate. Nah, not me. They can see me coming. They just call me, oh, Bluetooth. Well, that's it. When life beats you up and you got to start over like I'm always having to do, I just say, Jesus, take my joystick. I'm coming home. Thank you. Wow. Diamond Debbie. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Oh, my goodness. This is your first time on the show.

1:05:45Brian Redban:I would remember you. Well, you know, you've walked by me a few times in my chair, but, you know, I'm, you know, crotch level. Okay. Yeah, yeah, so I get overlooked a lot. This is my 111th sign-up. No fucking way. I have been... I have been first in line at least 90 % of those times. And, Tony, you've got to do some exercise. Your wrist never goes to the bottom of the bucket. You'd be surprised. You'd be surprised. Diamond Debbie, how many centuries have you been doing stand-up comedy? Yeah, Diamond, how come you didn't let Jack on that fucking door? Titanic joke.

1:06:36No big deal. Rockin' money. She's either the girl from Titanic or the rock that she threw in the bottom of the ocean. I can't tell exactly. I am the heavyweight. Oh, Dee Madness is making his move right now, ladies and gentlemen. You know, Dee and I had an agreement, see, because I grew up playing bass guitar, but I didn't have one at home to practice on. So he plays by ear, and I only sight read, so it wouldn't be fair.

1:07:03Brian Redban:Fuck yeah, Diamond Debbie. But seriously, how long you been doing stand-up? 111 sign-ups, but... Okay, I started in seven years ago, and right the same month that I started it, I got run over. My wheelchair is crash test approved by the DOT, a Tesla, and me. It was going 45 miles an hour. Yeah, by a fucking Tesla. If Elon Musk had been driving, I would be okay, but the dentist was driving. I never heard of a Tesla hitting a trash can. Hold on a second. You were in your wheelchair and you got hit by a Tesla? Going 45 miles an hour, crossing the street in my neighborhood. And that Tesla got messed up, honey.

1:07:53My chair was laying on the ground and I was standing up at the end of it. What the fuck are you doing out the road? Well, you know, that's something I want to talk about, yeah. You know, it's odd, but we do have the right to go outside. Wow. Diamond Debbie. This is incredible. She's only 25 years old. That's why she looks like that. Yeah. No, honey, I got socks older than you. Damn right. And Red Band's like 55, so that's crazy. How old are you, Diamond Debbie? I'm 67 years old, and on 111, and this is my 111 sign-up, I'll be 68.

1:08:36Brian Redban:Wow. Look at that. 111. You're 68. 1 12 the new netflix special kill tony once upon a time in texas streaming live on netflix give something to do the day after your birthday how exciting is that sounds good if you make it there um well well i think my daughter's phone number is in your phone so uh oh but she hasn't talked to me in nine years okay yeah her name little debbie very exciting can we get a phone unlocker very exciting diamond debbie you couldn't even hear that tesla coming huh it just came out of fucking nowhere or did you see it and you're like oh she's a burlesque performer and she's very very famous your daughter is a famous burlesque performer really trying to hook me up with her daughter no no no Cubic zirconium Debbie.

1:09:36No.

1:09:37Brian Redban:Okay, Debbie, let's talk about it. What the fuck have you been doing the last 67 years? Well, my favorite thing is, see, I grew up in a day when women couldn't get car loans or buy houses. So I wasn't allowed to take auto mechanics or shop. So my favorite hobby right now is taking in the quantum wheelchair like I have and fixing them up and giving them to people and helping them learn how to drive and go outside. because, you know, we've been locked up too long in the pandemic. And without home health care, you can go get your own groceries. It's fun. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Wait. I get around. I go six and a half miles an hour in the e-bike.

1:10:13Wait, you got hit on the road? Were you fucking flying? Yeah. Like going somewhere? Were you on like fucking Mopac? Well, you don't cross the street slowly in Austin. Oh, you were crossing the street. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry. I thought the way you were talking, you were like going to like the grocery store. Just fucking flying, ripping. I'm sorry, I thought you were juicing those things up. No, they do fly into the country, but not here yet.

1:10:44I'm sorry, you guys don't like it. Fine, it's so good.

1:10:49Brian Redban:Diamond Debbie, what made you want to start stand-up comedy? Well, it's funny, I was doing Toastmasters, and I like to give hour-long speeches, and the guy that... Hold on, hold on. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. What's Toastmasters? It's an organization to help you learn how to give speeches professionally, right? Okay. And so I signed up with them because it was online. But the friend told me that he could talk for an hour, and all anybody remembers is a couple of jokes. So I'm like, why don't I tell jokes instead? So that's what I did. Wow, look at you. You're such a little charming lady. Where are you from?

1:11:24Oklahoma home is my home.

1:11:27Brian Redban:Okay. I grew up in Oklahoma, yeah. All right. And you drove your wheelchair all the way here. Yeah. Bro, you're going to hell. Because of this? Actually. You think, dude, if I go up to the gates. Guys. Because of this? If I go up to the gates and they're just like, you remember this lady? It's fucking Diamond Debbie. I'm going to be pissed. All the shit I've done. That's the straw. Where'd you get your name Diamond Debbie? Were you like a stripper at the Black and White Rose or something? No, no. Great question, Red Band. That was a solid joke. That's a solid joke. Black and White Rose, that's a solid joke.

1:12:09Oh, I get it. I get it now. I'm so used to this joke's not making sense. You hate to see Red Band shine like this. Let the gems arrive. I don't think that.

1:12:22Brian Redban:How did you get the name Diamond Debbie? A diamond lasts forever, and you clearly won't. I've died. Oh, my God. We all die. What's going on? We all die. She's got a sense of humor. The bitch has signed up 111 times. If anybody can take a joke, it's her, not you fucking pussies. So I started writing my second book, which is Debbie Does Austin by Wheelchair, and the star of it was Debbie Diamond, so I'm Diamond Debbie. Wow. Wait, so you wrote a book about... I'm writing a book called Debbie Does Austin by Wheelchair. When's the Tesla chapter? Pardon? The triple X chapter? It's the next chapter? Well, I'm waiting for my happy ending.

1:13:02Major change. I haven't had a date. It's going to be a dozen to Austin. I haven't had a date since I had my last pelvic floor surgery. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Hold on. Hold on. Time out. Time out again. You haven't had a date since when? I had my pelvic floor vault. Pelvic floor vault. Vault. What does that mean? The ladder comes out and they put it back in. Okay. Don't laugh like that, Diamond. Diamond, don't look at me and laugh like that. It makes me laugh. I can't conduct my interview with you laughing like that. You're the cutest gremlin I've ever seen in my life. Where did it come out?

1:13:50Yeah. So I haven't had a date since I moved to Austin 11 years ago. I tried to date this one guy, but he thought he was above me because he's in a roll later. He's in a what? A roll later. That's a walker with wheels on it. Oh, okay.

1:14:09Brian Redban:Have you kissed a boy since moving to Austin? No. Well, well, well. You know what that means, everybody. We have another famous segment on the show. No, it's not D, man. No, not D. Don't do it, D. Is there a guy out there that wants to be a legend and give Diamond Debbie her first kiss? This guy right here. Come on, look at this fucking stud. Look at that fucking stud. Look at him. Watch out for the camera right next to you. That's our guy. No, no, sit back down, you creep. That's our guy! No, he's coming right here. Look at this fucking guy. Oh, she's pissed. Oh, his girlfriend is not happy about this.

1:14:49which makes it all that much better. Diamond Debbie is about to get her first Austin kiss. Here you go, Diamond Debbie. Wait, she can sin. It's a miracle. Wait. Oh, my. Oh, my.

1:15:17This is Kill Tony. It's all right. I'm crying. No, it is okay. That was funny. That was actually touching. Yeah. That was very nice. It was. Diamond Debbie, how do you feel after your first Austin kiss? I'm breathless. I love it. I love it. And that was before the kiss. That's incredible. Well, you know what's hard to say? That's just from emphysema. There's no guys my age awake this late at night, you know, with the big heartbeat. Well, you might be surprised. Where's Joe White? Is Joe White out here? She's three years younger than Ron White. I know, but he's taken, he told me. And you know what?

1:15:54I make brownies, happy brownies, and they're Cam Patterson special. But I've taken them up to every white guy, and not one of them will take candy from a stranger.

1:16:06Brian Redban:When you say the brownies are the Cam Patterson special, what exactly do you mean by that? They're peanut butter, dark chocolate fudge, mint with walnuts. Wow. Damn. Do they have weed in them? They have my medical prescription in them. Oh, my God. When I started doing comedy on Monday nights, when I came down here two years ago, it's the same night as my food pantry, and I got down to 80 pounds. Wow. And they thought I had an eating disorder, but, you know, it just killed Tony.

1:16:47Diamond Debbie.

1:16:52I'm getting word that there's another boy that wants to kiss you. You want to kiss another boy, Debbie? All right, let's send out another one. I'm getting word that there's one back here. How many times are you going to make this poor lady stand up, Tony? There's one more. Oh, my God. Look at this. You say brownie three times. Cedric pops from out of nowhere. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I just got so hard. Was that a first? Wow. That improved. That was that first time with a black guy? Not my first kid. No, she was with George Washington Carver after he discovered the peanut. That's why she can't walk so good.

1:17:40She was a marathon runner before her first fly guy. I couldn't walk when I started, but it took so long to get up here, I learned to walk again. There's videos of me jogging now. I love it. I love it. I'm getting word that Dedrick just caught polio, everybody. That's absolutely incredible.

1:18:01diamond debbie you are an instant legend i have somehow have run out of big joke books do we have

1:18:10Brian Redban:more in the back great uh they're gonna hand you one in the back and uh diamond debbie um you know let's just fucking let's just have you uh sign up again sometime but uh why don't we just like time it out so that you don't have to wait out there with all these fucking... The worst part was waiting in the alley when it got so cold a couple of weeks ago. Oh, my God. Nobody could hear me try getting in. I feel terrible. Yeah, you should feel terrible, dude. Waiting out there for an hour. I told you you're going to hell, Tony. Let me in. You've got to start considering these people, dude. They really want to be a part of the show, and you treat them like garbage.

1:18:48How about get some warmers out there or some kind of heater? Oh, hey, Heidi.

1:18:54Brian Redban:I love it. Well, there's one with the Virgin Mary on it. You probably went to high school with her, so I'll give you that one. Make some goddamn noise. How loud can this place get for Diamond Debbie? We have all different shapes and sizes of sign-ups here tonight, and I fucking love it. 111 sign-ups, and she finally got on tonight. That's absolutely insane. Defies the odds of the bucket, but it goes to show the bucket's real, or else I would have pulled Diamond Debbie out a long time ago. She didn't even use cursive either. She has good handwriting.

1:19:30All right. You guys still having fun out there?

1:19:36Oh, my God. She forgot her cane, everybody. Kiss number three coming up. Shane Gillis, ladies and gentlemen. Let's go. Did you kiss her? All right. This next bucket poll is from the inside, everybody. Make some noise for Kelly Quinn. Where the hell's Kelly Quinn at? Oh, they got her already. Great. I lost my job. My husband suggested volunteering. But I feel like I've given enough back to society. I married a redhead. I used to be a radio DJ. And not to brag, but I got loads of handwritten fan mail, all from jail. Prisoners must not have access to high-quality paper. The pages were always stuck together.

1:20:34I have passionate fans. There's one inmate who had a clearly expressed crush on me. My husband asked me why I was saving all his letters. Evidence. my husband's retired air force the hardest job i ever had was being a military spouse just all day every day banging out your partner's ptsd and does the military recognize us no and how could we after being that long and that hard i'm kelly quinn reminding you to be a patriot and service those who service our country wow kelly quinn one of the more serious sets of the night

1:21:21Brian Redban:kelly welcome to the show kelly this is your first time on correct i was on about a year and a half ago oh okay i don't remember you with the with the new hat i didn't know they made hats in uncircumcised penis i've i've been married 27 years i've actually never seen an uncircumcised penis. So if this is what it is, it's pretty hot. It is literally, it's been voted. I'm getting word. It is the worst hat of all time. Yeah. That's what the world is saying right now. Paddington bomb.

1:21:54Come on, folks. Wake up. Instead of the bear. Bear, get it? Instead of the Paddington bear who has that hat.

1:22:05Where's Diamond? And Kelly,

1:22:09Brian Redban:you were on a year and a half ago. How long you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. All of it here in Austin? I am actually, I live in DFW. DFW. Hell yeah. Okay. What do you do for work? So I own a small business. So when I lost my job in radio, I just switched full throttle to that. And so the question remains, what do you do for work? I own a website called christmascockpit.com. I run it off of Shopify. Oh, we love Shopify. We absolutely love Shopify. In fact, you can go to Shopify and start your own business. Not a lot of people know this, but Mattel and Gymshark and a lot of other companies all started with Shopify, ladies and gentlemen.

1:22:55Brian Redban:And on Shopify, you can perhaps hire a... Hey, did you wear that hat at the men's march?

1:23:03Remember the pussy hats? The women's march? I would be the hat you would wear at the men's march. Stay with us, people. God damn, dude. I'm spitting out gold.

1:23:15Brian Redban:It is incredible. You did it, and anyone can do it. Create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. Shopify grows with you. I love Shopify. That's right. All right. Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. That's Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. This year, Shopify will be by your side. Okay. Kelly Quinn, tell us the craziest thing about your life. I've lived in four countries. What were the four countries? Japan, America, England, and Italy. Okay. Which one do you like the most? America. Very good. That is the correct answer. How long were you in Italy for?

1:24:02Three years.

1:24:03Brian Redban:Three years. And yet you don't have a pinky ring, a necklace, or a Gabagool t-shirt. Absolutely incredible. Where in Italy did you live? Emilia Romano in Ferrara. Oh, okay. Si, senorita. Very good. Kelly, you really have a red-headed husband? uh no when i married when i married him he was redheaded but as a christian woman i believed i could pray it away and i did just for men what happened uh no his hair just got dark um he just turned into a brunette what does he do for work he's a pilot okay all right what exactly is christmascockpit.com so i make stockings like out of crown royal bags okay so they're purple stockings?

1:24:54Some of them are. I did make special Kill Tony versions that I brought for you in Red Band. Nice. That was like a month ago. Apparently they didn't make it to you.

1:25:06Brian Redban:We do have those. Yeah, no, we have those. You guys kept them? Hanging by the chimney with pears. You guys kept them? Both of you kept them? Yeah, totally. Oh my God. Isn't that crazy? They just threw those out? Those nice gifts you gave them? No, we have them. We really do. We do. We took photos the other day and and shared them with her families. Yes, absolutely. They are hung by the chimney with care that hopes that St. Nicholas will soon be there. Kelly, have you ever thought about making yourself a better hat?

1:25:39My husband picked this out for me. Okay. We can tell. He definitely doesn't want you banging other dudes. That's very exciting. That hat is an instant boner killer. from now on if I'm ever going to finish with a girl too fast I'm going to picture that hat just be like oh I'm going to last forever that hat makes me want to not come alright didn't get the laugh I thought it would but I thought that was funny

1:26:10Brian Redban:it was funny just picture a hat some people picture their grandma I will picture that hat Kelly Quinn you gave us a little stocking you're leaving here with a little joke book congratulations. Merry Christmas. I spiked it on Joe Rogan. Wow. How dare you hit a book at Lord Charizard like that. Alright. Back to the bucket we go. You guys still having fun out there? Goddamn motherfucking right. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? This looks like an interesting name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. For Tadpole Triplet, everybody. Tadpole, triplet, oh boy. Here we go.

1:27:01Make some noise for Tadpole, triplet, everybody. Here we go. The clock has begun. Did you ever walk into a room

1:27:11and not be the craziest motherfucker in there? What the fuck is that? I appreciate y 'all giving me a little time out of your day. they don't let me out much I need this shit y 'all I've been in a really really dark place lately but I'm about to pay the electric bill so the future is bright but I'm telling Hunter White jokes up here no I am not Ted Kaczynski Jr y 'all are insensitive ladies sliding in my DM talking about tap why don't you shave look at apple so handsome why don't he shave because y 'all if i shave i look like i majored in lacrosse and fraternities right a little rapey we don't want that so instead this is what y 'all look like a homeless MMA fighter.

1:28:11Fucking Connor McBegger.

1:28:18Tadpole Triplet has arrived. Welcome to the show, Tadpole. Who the fuck is this guy? Go fuck out of here.

1:28:27Brian Redban:Still tagging the Connor McBegger joke, I see. The set has ended. Welcome, Tadpole Triplet. This is your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? 39 years. Really? Yes, sir. You've been performing on stage for 39 years? Yes. How old are you? 49. I'll be 49 in a minute. So you started stand-up comedy when you were 10 years old? I did my first type 5 in a second grade talent show. Are you serious? I swear to God. Wow. Okay. Okay. Wait, you were 10 in second grade? Botox!

1:29:09Yeah, that checks you out. Tadpole. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God.

1:29:16Brian Redban:Wow. Tadpole triplet. Staring at Joe Rogan like he is the Liver King's angry son. Oh, God. What's that? Eight. I see a resemblance. One could say he's the Liver Prince, if you will. So, Tadpole. Yes, sir. Let's talk about it. You've been doing stand-up comedy for 39 years. What else have you been doing? You look like perhaps some time in Vietnam or something like that. Thank you. I appreciate it. I spent 20 years in Hollywood. Okay. Trying to be cute. What were you doing in Hollywood? Mostly a writer. Okay. Did you write anything that we might recognize? Perhaps some graffiti on a wall or something?

1:29:58Brian Redban:Fucking the I-5 underpass. That's me. Okay. But what else? Anything creative? My biggest success was The Tonight Show, Jay Leno. You wrote that? Hey, second grade!

1:30:15Brian Redban:Explain to us what you mean. I wrote for. You were a staff writer on The Tonight Show? I was staff, and I wrote for The Tonight Show. I was assistant segment producer, but the guy I worked for had a lung transplant. I spent six months just in the writer's room trying to learn how to write a joke. You were in the studio in Burbank, California. In Burbank, California. Wow. How long ago was that? Boulevard, it was 25 years ago. Bill Clinton was the president. Wow. Fuck him. Botox. You want Botox. This is incredible. He's 74. Now, Tadpole, you came out with a stool. Explain to us why you have a stool.

1:30:50I got hit by a drunk driver and broke my neck, and this is physical therapy for me. It wasn't a Tesla, was it? We gotta stop this motherfucker. Hey.

1:31:02Brian Redban:Oh, my God. You have an actual neck brace there. You took off the neck brace to perform. You have an actual broken neck. Yes. Wow. I'm going to try and tough it out and not put it on and look like a sissy. Are you going to jump fucking rope it? Tap out? I'm going to tap out? No, put that thing on before you die. Yeah. Also, for real, neck brace is the funniest thing you can wear. It really is. It's literally the funniest thing. I wear it about 50 % of the time, but I was doing a minute, and I wanted to give a little I want to put it home funny. No, on stage would be very funny. For real. Yeah.

1:31:32I swear to God, a neck brace is literally the funniest. Before my minute to say hi, world. No, toss that fucking thing on, dude. I swear. How many of you want him to put on the neck brace? Let's see it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kill Tony's history. It's the first time we've ever seen a man put on a neck brace with a broken neck after performing. Wow. This is incredible.

1:31:58Brian Redban:So, Tadpole, tell us, how did life change? He's got to get the beard out of there. Tadpole. I'll be on the spot, bro. Explain to us what it's like having a broken neck. You curl up in a bar like a crybaby for half the day, and then you decide if you want to be a tough guy and do a little bit of something. Right. And that was that day or every day? Pretty much every day for the last 12, 14, second grade, whenever. You got hit by a Tesla 12 years ago? No, no, that's all his idea. I got hit by a... Dude, that's writer's room shit. Yo, that was actually his idea. Shane said I got hit by a Tesla. through a joke yeah yeah yeah yeah no wait you got hit in fucking wet yeah i got hit i got hit by a drunk russian diplomat's daughter a bill clinton russian diplomat's daughter okay hold on when what when was this uh 96 96 did you get money from this i i i had to sue my grandfather's insurance to pay for my surgeries why is that funny holy crap a great mystery yeah i put all this effort into telling a joke and you laughed at my trauma holy christ they gave you surgeries and you're still braced up what else have you tried man i i wrote a book about my recovery not about what happened because i'm not ready for that everybody's got a fucking book i don't even have a book i just made it up so you're you perpetually have to wear that brace since you were a kid no i was almost 19 this guy's okay so you're almost 19 you broke your neck then you're 46 you still wear a brace every day um about 50 if if i don't have something i can lean on i didn't wear it tonight right but you're if i can let i i sit on a stool when i try to do stand up what is the injury uh i'm fused front and back c3 through c7 all the way down the whole shit's titanium oh wow yo that's kind of i gotta go up and down but i don't want to because it's around my brainstem and I got a little bit of smarts left and I don't want to get strangled out by titanium.

1:34:01I will say, though, you do have the coolest fucking neck brace I've ever seen. Thank you. Most of them suck. That one's actually like a... Yeah, you got... Bottom of it like a Stormtrooper mask. Like... Like... Fucking cool. Like a mixer. This is my dunk contest moment. Hold on. Let me get it up. What's that do? It's like traction. It works like a traction machine. But I can't talk with it because it locks my jaw. So how you doing? What's up? What's up?

1:34:25Brian Redban:Your story is absolutely incredible. Do you ever sit on a park bench and talk about how life's like a box of chocolates?

1:34:36Brian Redban:I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. It's something that I've never done before with anybody in the history of the show. But I'm going to pick up the tab on this. I want to see if the great people over at Waze to Well can possibly zip something into you that might be able to help you or give you some type of relief. We are friends with the great people at Ways to Well. They provide unbelievable, miracle-like health care to people. And we're going to see what happens. Probably not much since your neck's been broken as fuck for like 30 years. They said I'd never walk. Now I can sprint and jump for like 90 seconds.

1:35:15Don't do that. Yeah, definitely. Don't do that. Stop doing that right now. I listened to them and I sat in a bed for a decade. Now I get up every day. Yes. Don't break your neck again, motherfucker. I'd be in a cage right now if I wanted that. I'd get a little taste of that again, but I'm not that retarded. Not that. You are that retarded. You're allowed to say it. Just because my mother drove the short bus. Hold on a second. Cap Hold, did you point at me and withhold from saying it? Because if so, that's very, very funny. Oh, never mind. I was giving you credit for a really great... I would never do such a thing.

1:35:48All right, you were funny. Hell yeah. You got some merch there. I got some merch, what? I see a tadpole on your fucking shirt, right? Oh, yeah. This is my breast cancer charity, Habitatpole for Humanity. You have a... What?

1:36:05Habitatpole. Oh, it's... For Humanity. I get it. For Humanity. Humanity. For Humanity. Yeah, well... That's great. Humanity. Tadpole.

1:36:17Brian Redban:You're a wild boy, Tadpole. Oh, thank you. You live here in Austin now? Uh, no, I'm about 300 miles away. Okay. Where are you? Uh, up near the Oklahoma border, Alverd, Decatur area. Okay. All right. On the way to Wichita Falls. I'm not really there, but I'm there. Okay. I was in L.A. for 20 years. The whole world shut down. Everyone got re-re-e. And then I was like, uh, my brother's got a house. I can live in the basement. That makes sense. Yeah, the basement's nice. Do you have a girlfriend, a wife? No, they won't touch me. What are you talking about? You're not interested in the ladies? Oh, I didn't say that.

1:36:57You're putting words in my mouth, bro. Did I say that? No, you didn't say that. I didn't say that. Okay. Have a table for humanity, bro. I love it. I'm trying to save all the titties. What are we doing? We're chopping them off and stuff? Get the fuck out of here. Who's doing that? No mas. Titas delitas. Cut it the fuck out. Cut it out. Cut it out. What are we doing?

1:37:27Brian Redban:You ever been in the military? No, my whole family. I wasn't brave enough. Oh, okay. I wrote jokes and dribbled a basketball for my life. I was pretty privileged. You were good at basketball? Yeah, you know, a little jump shot. Yep. A little bit of a... You have a grill in. I can't understand what you're saying. What's that? Nothing. Uh, Tadpole Triplet, we are going to get your contact information. We're going to try to see what Waze DeWalt can possibly maybe do for you. They pull off miracles, but nothing's guaranteed. Here's a big joke book. You got that? Want me to get it in the hoodie? Hit him in the neck.

1:38:01Got it. Oh, my. Head pull tripple.

1:38:15Shane Gillis going pee. Brought to you by Bud Light. There's the lovely Heidi. And we're going to get another bucket pull up here. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Gordon Dixon, everybody. Here comes Gordon Dixon. Make some noise, Austin. Let's go. I'm 41. If that last dude was 46, he is fucked up, bro. He got a knee brace from sucking dick. Fuck that guy, man. Thank you. Thank you. Homeless dude. Anyway. I'm a 40-year-old comic. I hang out with 20-year-olds. I went to a strip club the other night. They were all making it rain, and I tried to pay for my lap dance with a checkbook. And I knew I was all...

1:39:02Exactly. Half of y 'all don't know what checkbooks are. Fuck all young people. Yeah. The stripper was like, I want to make it rain. You going to make it rain? I'm like, how do you spell candy? With an I-E or a Y? How do you spell this? It's all right, y 'all. It was$12 ,000. It was a bounce check. She's never going to pass that check. Fuck y 'all. I'm celebrating my eighth year out of the service, so I'm having fun. I'm fucked up right now. Thank y 'all. You don't have to clap. You don't care about people in the church. Thank you. Thank you. I served as United States Jehovah's Witness, so I'm first, yeah.

1:39:37Exactly. This is a rough night. Fuck y 'all. All right. You guys like handicapped people more than you like half black people. Fuck y 'all, man. My name is Gordon Dixon. My name is... There you go. All right. I'm fucked up. Thank you. Gordon Dixon. Damn it. Joe Rogan.

1:39:53Brian Redban:Fuck. All right. Gordon, how are you? Yes, I'm good, man. You been on this show before? Yeah, I've been on a couple times. This time you're a little fucked up? Yeah, I just got off work. Yeah, I work next door. It's my fault. What did you drink exactly? What did you do, Gordon? Every shot people bought me, right? There's some people that bought me a shot. There's another guy who bought me a shot. Yeah, fuck that, man. It's Austin, man. It's weird out here. You have to get fucked up. No, you don't. All right, that's what I was told when I moved out here. All right, they fucking lied to me. My bad.

1:40:23Brian Redban:All right, Gordon, you're kind of... Shane, you missed a lot. You did, man. I'm glad Shane missed it. I'm sorry, Shane. It's all right.

1:40:35Brian Redban:Gordon. I know. You had to guess how many shots you did tonight before tonight's set. How many would you guess? Just a ballpark. A good strong three. I did a strong three. Okay. Yeah, a strong three. But I'm old, so I shouldn't do any at all. I should stop drinking at this point, but fuck it. You know what I mean? Austin. All right. Gordon, I'm going to let you off easy tonight. I'm just going to get you out of here with a little joke book. There he goes. Gordon Dixon. All right. Let's get one last bucket pull up here tonight. Make some noise for Lindsay Campbell, everybody. Here comes Lindsay Campbell.

1:41:10Here's Lindsay, everybody. We know Lindsay. Hey, guys. Erica Kirk has been hanging out with Nicki Minaj lately. Have you seen that? She's trying to convince people that she's not racist. But she does run her fingers through people's hair when she hugs them. You can tell she doesn't have a single black friend.

1:41:46So anyway, I had a miscarriage like six months ago.

1:41:53A couple days after that, my husband was, he was fingering me. And he got on his hand what Google told us is gray pregnancy matter. Relax, guys. At least he got to hold our baby.

1:42:20Hi, Joe Rogan. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Absolutely incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, Lindsay Campbell. I loved it. Thanks, guys. A masterpiece. I love you, too.

1:42:33Brian Redban:Hey, Redman. We know you well, Lindsay. You are married to the adorable little William Montgomery-looking character, little chubby chair boy. The fans probably remember and know. So that's real, huh? Yeah, Trey Campbell, Dr. Peppers. We got married on May 3rd, 2025. Hell yeah. Amazing. How's that going? Good? It's going fucking awesome. I just keep bringing animals into the house, and he just keeps trying to get rid of them, but going well other than that. What kind of animals? What are we talking about? We're up to five now. We have two dogs, we have two cats, and we have a snake. Wow, okay. Hell yeah.

1:43:12Why the fuck did she point at you when she said snake? That's a good question. Yeah, she pointed a red band. Pointed right at you, bro. What? I don't remember. I was drunk. What happened? It's not a penis thing, I promise. I was talking about my snake, and you told me that if I ever brought it into Mitzi's that you would, like, throw the bag against the wall.

1:43:32Brian Redban:Throw the what against the wall? You were drunk. I said I was going to bring a snake in a bag and have him touch it without him knowing. You got drunk and said you were going to kill her snake? Those of you that wonder what Red Band's like after the show, the real... What a sack of shit. Real hootenanny. I'm going to kill your snake. I love it. Lindsay, what do you do for work? I'm a bellboy now. Oh, wow. Yeah, I work at a hotel. I make tips, so I offer to give people ice. Unless they're Mexican, then I offer to abolish it. Wow. You're hilarious. Thank you. You're a real comedian, Lindsay. Thanks, Tony.

1:44:17Brian Redban:I love that. What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy we should know about? I just got a job for the first time in like six months. That fucking sucks. Yeah. That's the bellboy thing. Yeah, it's the bellboy thing. And then we got our dog Spade, so she has a tattoo now. It's a swastika. It's because she's a German shepherd. That's okay. Hell yeah. Sorry, Tony. That's amazing. No, I scale from one to ten. I give that choke a nine. Thank you. Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine.

1:44:55There you go. A little fucking alley-oop there. I like that. Whoa, those are my balls, Shane. No way. Shane just tapped my balls. No, I did not. Yeah, you did. You win. Hey, dude. Rock in, man.

1:45:15Lindsay, we love you. A great set. Here's a big job. Thank you. Check out her cupcake. What?

1:45:23Brian Redban:Check out her cupcake. Oh, yeah, that's the cupcake lady. Hell yeah. Obviously getting high on her own supply.

1:45:34Ladies and gentlemen, what an episode this has been. I mean, holy shit. Gillis, Lincoln Financial Field, July 17th. Rogan of the JRE. There's only one way to end an episode like this. William Montgomery is already off on Christmas break. However, there is a young man whose dream it is of one day being a citizen of the greatest country on earth, the United States of America. But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Laurie Maddy.

1:46:23So... Everyone's terrified of AI. It's coming. Like, what do you do for work, sir? Pest control business. You have, like, six months left.

1:46:47See, the secret is, you gotta get a job that even AI doesn't wanna do. Like roofing. Dude, under the Texas sun, even AI's like, mmmm, Miguel.

1:47:11Miguel, get up there. It's too fucking hot. My batteries are overheating. This is fucking ridiculous. This is inhumane.

1:47:26I don't know about stand-up. I'm not sure. I think AI is too algorithmical to do stand-up. Too perfect. People don't relate to perfection, people relate to mistakes. AI ain't about that life. AI ain't gonna say the n-word. AI ain't gonna show his dick to the comedy club waitresses.

1:47:57I will.

1:48:03AI stand-up is gonna be all algorithmical, you know, like, almond milk, hmm, how could it be milk? They don't have nipples. Bullshit. Also, if AI is so smart, how come every time I try to log into a website and to make sure I'm not a robot they asked me to identify three traffic lights in the picture so you're telling me AI sees this puzzle

1:48:51Fuck! Retreat!

1:48:58So it gets flustered by traffic lights but what the fuck is a Waymo?

1:49:05That's my time. Thank you guys for that. Two minutes, 45 seconds. Working overtime tonight. And without a doubt, the best side of the night. This is incredible, Ari Matty.

1:49:20Brian Redban:You've done it yet again. I kind of fucked up the order of the joke. Fuck. There's a whole different order, you know, when you just have to fucking... Yeah. No one even noticed. Thank God. Only you know. That's what's great about this. The order was totally fucked up. Was there a callback that got left behind? There was everything that was undone, and the ending was solved. It worked out great, man. Fucking amazing. What I love about this set, because it was so brilliant, so topical, so funny, such great delivery, so crisp, and yet I'll give a little behind-the-scenes inside scoop that I normally don't really ever do, which is that when we were flying back from that gig on Sunday, I said, by the way, Monday's going to be fun, Rogan Gillis.

1:50:12Brian Redban:And you go, fuck, I've got nothing new. Yeah. So I'm just curious. Did you just fucking cook that up in the past 36 hours or what? Yeah. I went to some terrible gigs yesterday and I just bombed with it. But I knew it was logical. and if I get in front of a crowd that likes me, I knew, you know when you're bombing and you're like, you know when you're bombing and you're like, well, somewhere there will be laughter. The sun will rise in the future. What I love about that, two minutes, 45 seconds, you wrote that in 36 hours. We had a guy on stage earlier that's been doing it 39 years and his minute wasn't nearly as strong.

1:50:58Yeah, that sucks about stand-up that, like...

1:51:01Brian Redban:He left with a diagnosis of stem cells.

1:51:09I wouldn't laugh about that, Paul, dude. Yeah. Fucking for real kill you. Yeah, without a doubt. All right? Yeah. Unless you touch him at all, in which case he will fall apart immediately. That's why, like, when I did MMA, it was so cool to find out real quick if you got it, you know.

1:51:29Brian Redban:Yeah. Not a lot of people know that. Ari Matty was a professional fighter, 0-3. 0-3 career, but he knows how to shadow box. 0-3, real bad, yeah. I just don't have it. He's undefeated against the shadow. The shadow gets fucked up every day, Joe. That's what we call Dedrick Flynn behind the scenes.

1:51:54Brian Redban:Ari, what else is going on, man? You're killing it. I don't know. I've been watching this series called Spy Ops. Have you guys seen, have you watched Spy Ops? Amazing. I love the Mossad.

1:52:08Wow. Israeli Secret Service. Tell us. Okay. Tell us more. I will. See, like usual Secret Service. The CIA, MI6, they gather information, and then they kill the guy. Like with cyanide, or they poisoned the soup. Nobody even knows what happened. Mossad gathers no information, and they just blow up the whole building. Mossad always has civilian casualties. But then always they're like, well, statistically, you know.

1:52:48Dude, there's this one episode. Okay. There was this one episode. They were after a guy who's a Palestinian terrorist, member of the Black September. They did Munich. Remember Munich? The big one. Until, yeah. Worst thing to happen on German soil to Jews, you know. So.

1:53:13So they're after one of the leaders, okay? and they find him in oslo norway disguised as a pizza delivery guy great disguise for a terrorist you have a bicycle bling bling you got some pizza boxes filled with fucking c4 you know you're meeting creepy guys in the alley you're a fucking pizza guy so the massad tracks this guy down they pull up on him in a car in parliament square downtown oslo blow his head off with a shotgun. Brains go flying into the guy's friend's hands. They collect the brains, you know. The Mossad disappears. Successful mission, you would think. Six months later, they find out wrong guy.

1:54:03Regular pizza guy.

1:54:10Imagine you're at the funeral. And your parents are like, what did my son do? Black September. But of course, see, but the downside about the Mossad is they always get caught. How those guys got caught is after they blow the guy's head off, they took the car back to the rental agency. That's how Jews get caught. The deposit.

1:54:41it jesus god sorry maddie they should have uh they should have kept that you ever see the movie munich it's about that it's about the massage all the guys it'd be weird if a movie so funny if they included that scene oh because the whole time they're like man these guys are so sly and smart Yeah. Should have had one scene where they're like, there's that motherfucker. Boom! Shit. It was just a guy. Yeah, they had like one guy they were after in an apartment building, but they didn't nail which, they tried to nail which floor it was on, they were like, the whole building goes. Yeah. Yeah. They don't give a fuck.

1:55:18The Mossad is crazy, Joe. Don't upset the Jews.

1:55:30Where's that yarmulke? Huh? Put it on. What's that? Put it on the yarmulke.

1:55:36Brian Redban:No, the yarmulke's gone. You threw it out? No, I had it sent away and put on top of my Christmas tree. Guys, anti-Semitism. Okay. Oh, there's a KT yarmulke? That's crazy. Get the fuck out of here, man. I'm going to put it on you. No, I haven't. Yeah, huh? Whoa. Wow. Wow. Don't wave like that, Red Band. Oh, my God. Fucking moron. By the way, that guy just went Heil Hitler. There's a guy in the crowd who just went like this. That's not good. That's not good. The second most Jewish thing Red Band's done this week next to take coupons into a Wendy's with them.

1:56:18No.

1:56:22Shane goes, is that true? There's a Ben Shapiro joke in here somewhere Like Ben Burrito Oh my god Ari Matty, what can I say? The set of the night, the fucking interview of the night Catch him on Monday On Netflix I'm on tour Tickets are really low Ari Matty.com for the love of god Go to arimatty.com. See this man's full-length set. You're not going to fucking believe it. If you love a minute, you'll love his hour. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. That is indeed Joe Rogan and Shane Gillis. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's a Shane Gillis. Look at that. Hell yeah. Look at that.

1:57:13That's a very nice picture of you. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Look at that. Thanks, man. He gave you a little... Put that above your bed. tell the girl I'll go look at that don't look at my real face

1:57:30Shane Gillis ladies and gentlemen July 17th 2026 motherfucking Lincoln Financial Field the biggest stand up comedy show of all time how about one more time for the motherfucking man himself Joe Rogan next Monday go to Netflix watch the whole god damn thing Tell everybody that you know, watch Kill Tony, Once Upon a Time in Texas, filmed live at the Moody Center on New Year's Eve, airs on Netflix next Monday. We will not be here on YouTube. We will be only on Netflix and then back on YouTube the next week. Fuck yeah, man. We did it. What an episode. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

1:58:13Check out their single, Pandemonium, everywhere where music is available, the Kill Tony band. And we did it. Red Band? Love you guys! We love you! Catch us on Netflix next week, motherfuckers! Good night, everybody!

1:59:13The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

1:59:51Thank you.

2:00:17Thank you.

2:00:47Thank you.