#752 - TOMMY POPE + STEVE BYRNE

24:42Oh, yeah. Now we're cooking, baby. How about another hand for Yehi, everybody?

24:50This is where it happens. This is where the magic happens, everybody. Wow. You got to see someone fucking face their fears there. There's no way I'm going to catch it, Tony. There's nothing that can happen where I'll possibly catch this joke book. NFL film's worthy. It's what I do. I just set people up for success. That's going to be it. Insane ability. Send it straight to the highlight reel. Insane ability. No, it's fine. They'll get it. Are we having fun here tonight, huh? It has begun. Red Band's back. Make some noise for your second bucket pull of the night. It's Blake Apatow, everybody. Here we go.

25:38How's it going, folks? Good to see you. I went to the strip club with my dad. Not that fun getting hard with your dad. Sucked. Yeah, I don't really want to get hard with any of my relatives, except my cousin.

25:58I feel like if you don't want to bang your cousin, you just don't have a cousin hot enough. My cousin is gorgeous, okay? She looks like Italian Pocahontas. I would pay money to see my cousin naked. I try every Thanksgiving. I'm gonna try again on New Year's. I'm pretty sexually adventurous, folks. I've gotten like 300 Asian massages with happy endings. I call them Jackie Chans. Big fan of Jackie Chan. And these massages are so good. They're too good. Because now I can't come without Asian woman sound effects. Oh! What? What?

26:50Women are like... There you go, Blake Apatow. Welcome, Blake. How are you? Doing fantastic, brother. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five years, right before COVID. We're at? Colorado, Hawaii, and then here the last couple years. Okay. You live in Austin now? Yeah. Okay. And what do you do for work? How do you make money? I'm a bartender just a couple blocks away. Oh, nice. Here on Dirty Six. Yeah, yeah. You see a lot of crazy shit. Yeah, definitely a decent bit. Give us an example of the nuttiest thing you've seen on these wild streets of Austin, Texas. Yeah. So I will say immigration.

27:25People are talking a lot about immigration. Everyone's fucking pissed about immigration. All right. I was dating this Brazilian woman next door, the coffee shop next door. And I just we got into it one night. She was in a fake marriage to a gay American citizen, which is just kind of something fascinating. At some level, I respect. I feel like if you convince Americans to marry you, you earned it. You deserved it. But this, I feel like we could also stop it. I don't know, just the fake marriages. It's just interesting to me. I was like, we could test for that. There's an immigration interview, a man and a woman.

27:59I feel like we could have maybe the husband eat the wife's pussy or something. Some sort of test to see if it's a real couple. Because a gay guy could never eat a woman's pussy. If a gay guy touches a pussy, he turns to stone. We know that. I haven't seen Chris DeLee in a few years. He's pretty cool. Yeah. I wish you were handicapped and Chiney was running a 4.540. Yeah. Hell yeah. Hey, bro, you came in the restaurant one time. How are you doing, Steve? Yeah, thank you. It's good to see you again. Absolutely, 100%. I remember specifically, bro, you wanted double a dressing, and I only came out with one.

28:37I'm sorry about that, bro. It's okay. Well, look, I really appreciated your act. I like the bit about fucking your cousin because believe it or not, I was attracted to a cousin of mine and I hate to say this I actually had sex with her so hard she can't walk anymore. Oh, hell yeah.

28:56But she can catch a joke book.

29:06Blake, what's your dating life like? You seem like a real womanizer. You have that voluminous hair that you pretend like you're not strategically taken care of, but blatantly you're obsessed with it. I can just picture you in the mirror fluffing it up. I know a thousand guys like you try to run off of hair confidence. Go ahead. Tell us about your love life. Okay, so I know dating's pretty fun. I'm really in love with the divine feminine right now. I went on three dates in one day the other day. What does that mean, a divine feminine? Well, I fucking hate this kid. I saw a YouTuber on the east side.

29:41I love you guys. Can I tell you, if I had your hair, if I had your hair, I'd grow it out. I'd travel everywhere horseback. It's astounding. Astounding. I like that. Naked horseback. When you say three dates the other day, what do you mean? So I went on 4 p.m. coffee date with a 51-year-old. Okay. Somebody's mom wants to get that. You're back in my heart. You're back in my heart. No one's talking, dude. So how did that go? Why'd you do that? Well, that's the thing is, she had these beautiful dark curls and sometimes I get bored I don't know, just scrolling and I go like usually whatever, like 20 to 30 is the age range.

30:16Sometimes I just blow it out, 1880 plus. You know? I bang your grandma. Did you do anything with that lady? So we made out that day. We hung out two nights ago though. I mean, have you ever gotten a 30 minute hot oil massage from a woman half a century year old? Wow. That's unbelievable. So you hung out with her yesterday? Yeah, well, she was sick. It was a whole thing. I went home for a week, and I wanted to... She's fucking dying. She's not sick. Polio. Yeah, yeah. We were watching this documentary, and it was talking about... It was Don't Die by Brian Johnson. Really good. Check it out. But he was talking about how what happens at 70 years old, how all the serious health markers and shit that drop off, and it was pretty funny because I was looking at him like, are you paying attention?

31:05this is pretty fucking uh important for you but yeah she jacked me off for like 30 minutes was amazing i feel like old people 30 minutes sorry i'm spitting on you but yeah that's the thing is i felt like young people are like kind of chaotic and just want to fuck it quick and like i kept like she kept being like slow easy easy and then yeah this experience is yeah stretching it out and she was like telling me the pacing it's all right that's enough god you're so annoying i was Jesus Christ. Here's a medium joke book. There he goes. Blake Apatow, ladies and gentlemen. That was great. Good job, buddy.

31:41We're going to keep it moving along. Good job, Blake. Good enough. Long, drawn-out stories, though. Jesus. Going to keep it moving here. Oh, we know this, guys. This is a wild, wild Texan. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Tommy Tickles, everybody. Here's Tommy Tickles. Live, in the flesh, the return of Tommy Tickle.

32:15I hate audience participation exercises. Who's with me?

32:24I'm getting older.

32:29I'm going to bald spot If my granny would have said If you don't stop doing that You're going to go bald Well then she would have been right I know I'm getting older I'm getting older I'm going to massage parlors Just to get a massage

32:54my skin's starting to wrinkle when I'm talking when black people talk to me I've noticed they subconsciously lick their lips and I think it's because I'm starting to look like fried chicken

33:14joke of the night so far Tommy Tickles sticking the landing there very good Tommy Addy, you're actually getting better. Thanks, sir. I'm seeing growth here. I did the mic thing. I moved the mic out of the way. Look at you. You're like a real pro. Yeah. I love it. You're also super likable coming off of the last guy. I got to tell you. It's just good to have a real human up here, not a fucking sociopath serial killer pretending to mix in with old patchy pants. So how's life been going, Tommy Tickles? Life's been going good. Right now it's baby season out on the farm and ranch. What does that mean?

33:52Explain to the people who don't have ranches what baby season. It's me and my wife. We go crazy. No, we have a bunch of sheep and goats, and now we're having a bunch of sheep having babies right now, so it's all hands on deck. Three times a day feeding baby sheep. Hi. And how many Afghans visit the farm? How many what? Thank you, Tommy Tickles. Yay. Absolutely perfect So the sheep are banging Or they're just having babies Are they done banging How does it go Do you get to see them have sex Oh yeah It takes about five months Jeez alright you fucking cuck This guy jerking off in the corner Oh yeah I get to watch them a lot Tony You kidding oh yeah Y 'all don't know this But Red Band came out to the ranch Now I've got two sheep and a goat They'll never be the same walking yeah they're coming out with this face on them bad bad boy sheep yeah yeah red band's jokes are bad nice Tommy you ever seen explain to the people because we don't know Tommy what's going on over there having a side combo No.

35:14Can you describe to the audience what a sheep's pussy looks like exactly? The world wants to know. I can. And what brand of peanut butter do you use? You know, it's interesting. We had a hermaphrodite sheep. Ooh. It was a boy of a little girl. It cured this little thing. One of the first ones we had, her name was Shotzi. And then about like six months later, her balls dropped. And so she's out there chasing female sheep like a male and getting them all riled up. So I looked into it. You can name it Ye He She. Yeah. No, I fish right in around here. A fallback from a performer that was on earlier, guys.

35:49I don't know if you've been paying attention, but Ye He She. That's it. That's comedy. Okay. Bad again. I'm Stevie Tickles. Have you noticed that the other sheep don't really take a liking to the trans sheep that you have? Yeah, nobody likes her. Right. Nobody liked her. Did she dye her sheep hair purple or anything? Does she make coffees for the other sheep really well? Mail boxers. Does she make a hell of a latte? She was one of our favorites, though, so she got a lot of attention from us. I bet. I bet. That's why they call you Tommy Tickles. One of the reasons. Tommy, do you own an AR-15, by chance?

36:31You look like every mass serial killer I've ever... The old school. That's what they used to look like. Now they look like his trans sheep. Yeah. That's what they look like now. Just coming in there just... No, sir. I don't own an AR-15. But I was a scout sniper in the Marine Corps, and I have a.308 Winchester. So, oh, yeah. Goddamn right. All right. You were great tonight, Tom. Yeah. You were fucking fantastic. My favorite. I love you so much, dude. Thank you for your service. How can I follow you online? Tommy, have you been going up a lot? Because that was way better than your last... Yeah.

37:08Yeah. Yeah. I did about 100 open mics. Let's go. I'm trying to go down to San Antonio. I hit up a couple of spots down there. I didn't know it, you know, a year ago, but this is a passion. This is, you know, you get into it, you get a couple of laughs, and then all of a sudden you're like, holy smokes, this is great. You're adorable, Tommy. You're adorable. You should tell everybody you have two passions, comedy and sheep. No, I don't even like sheep. Why don't you like the sheep? Tell us why you don't like the sheep. Explain to us. We don't own ranchers. Oh, they're great. From when they're babies all the way up in three months.

37:45They are cute. Then they're like 200 pounds, and I've had them knock me about 10 feet sideways. You know, they come up from behind you, and they think they're still your friend. And that's what they do to their friend. They come up and butt you. And then all of a sudden, you're not built for that. And that's 600 pounds. Can I ask you a question? Do you end their life? I live on a farm and ranch and you know answer the fucking question what's the question? you put a 45 in their fucking skull Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy Tickles he really throws off the scent with his name but do you fucking kill sheep?

38:18look at us no, no how do they die? look at me Tommy Tickles is a paradise is a paradise oh, that's you yeah, yeah alright, alright Jesus Christ almighty I use a knife He kills the sheep He kills the fucking baby sheep No, not the babies No, hell no People bring their babies to us So we take care of them and make sure they live So we try to give them The sheep that we do have You're spiraling right now You murder sheep For a living You're really driving home This sheep killing thing. Really making a point. He's a ranch hand. Ranch hand is also what Red Band has. Okay, Tommy. Tommy just disengaged from the show right now.

39:11I love it. We're going to keep moving along. Tommy tickles. Great stuff. Tommy Pope just focused in. Ranch hand is also what Red Band has on Friday nights when he dips his pizza in ranch dressing. He's got a ranch hand and a blue cheese hand. Look out. He's a big boy. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the good friends of the show, one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world, has a brand new special on YouTube, and he's here just to do a minute for us, just to swing by, make some noise for the great Asana Maude, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is.

40:00Hey. I think the darkest thing going on with Kanye West

40:09is his diamond-encrusted swastika chain. That's dark. Because if you know anything about the diamond business in this country,

40:21you know the person who made that chain is Jewish. so there's a guy out there that knows exactly how much his soul is worth oy vey what do you want me to make it's gonna holocaust you

40:46that is a rough joke to do in yeezys i'm aware of that that is Yo, these shoes are comfortable as fuck. I don't care. That's all I care about. You could say the worst things in the world about Muslim people. If you made the most comfortable air shoes, I'd wear that shit. With pride, too. You'd be like, what are those? They'd be like, oh, these? Oh, these? You mean the new Chinese Muslim concentration camp sevens? Bro, this shit. Flames, the Uyghur Force Ones, dog? I got them at LLL Bean. That's where I got them. All right, I've been Asan Ahmad. Thank you very much. Asan. Ahmad, whose new special Too Soon is out now.

41:23Well, this comes out the 19th, right? I think, yeah. So my special comes out the 20th. Okay. All right, geez. Wow, a little time jumper there. Look at this guy, brown to the future. Yes, okay. That doesn't really matter. They would have watched it anyway, but way to be strategically correct, mathematically right, like a true Indian. Yes. Unbelievable. One of the hardest working guys I know. He's working fucking 24-7-11. Absolutely incredible, as always, Asan. I'm doing comedy full-time and running a daycare in Minnesota at the same time. It's been rough. It's amazing. It's been rough. Look at that.

42:02They love it. The crowd goes wild. Billionaire, Asan Ahmad. Asan, how's life been going? Good? Yeah, things are going pretty good. I'm excited to have a new special out. It's my first one. and yeah, I'm just happy about it. Yeah, very exciting stuff. Former comedy store door guy, took the whole path, one of the first people to move out here with the whole regime, working here at the Mothership. Been taking you out. You've been drinking with us. Yes, that's a new thing. I've been getting drunk for the first time. Yeah, it's really fun to take like... How many of you? Heart in your 30s? You know, you gotta try some stuff sometimes.

42:45Cocaine? No, no cocaine. I'm not there yet. Welcome to my panel of junkies tonight that I have straight to fucking blow out of nowhere. Oh, you started drinking? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. I love it. Ahsan, how are your parents? You have adorable, tiny little Indian parents that we all love. Yes, yes. They are very adorable. Ahsan is like the Shaquille O 'Neal of his family, by the way. I am. Towering over them at five foot six. Yeah, I am double the size of both of them, really. It's kind of crazy. I might be the tallest Bengali person in my whole family. I love it. Now, what are Bengalis known for exactly?

43:28Our hairlines? Wow. Yeah, our lack of hairlines. I would think spelling bees. Yeah? Are you a good speller? Yeah, I'm a pretty good speller. Yeah, I'm pretty good. Give me a word, I got it. Spell champagne. C-H-A-M-P-A-G-N-E. You have to say the word first. The spelling bee. Champagne. All right. Hold on, let's find a black person's name. Is there a black person in here? Yeah, her name is Champagne. She's right over there. I beat you! Champagne Jenkins is here, ladies and gentlemen. A-A apostrophe B-A. Hey! Got it. It's Champagne! You gotta pause that shit.

44:15I know that right There we go Sorry Tommy Pope You had like a PTSD flashback right there Flashback Okay Asan, so much fun Your new special Too Soon is out Go watch it There you go Where do they find it? Asan Ahmad on YouTube? It's on YouTube Look up Too Soon It's on our Solid Show Podcast channel Check it out There you go Solid Show Podcast Watch his special We love his son. Back to the bucket we go. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Tony Scar, everybody. Tony Scar.

44:55I remember the first time I caught my parents fucking...

45:04My mom had to sit me down and give me the talk. She says, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they buy a ball gag.

45:23And I said, Mom, put a shirt on.

45:28And while my mom went to put a shirt on, my dad came to give me the same talk. He said, Son.

45:44I'm autistic. And I found out the other day that I look autistic because I went to the Olive Garden and the waitress handed me crayons and paper. And I was trying to explain to her that that's dehumanizing, but dehumanizing is really hard to pronounce when you're chewing on a fistful of crayons.

46:07and have a ball gag in your mouth. Thank you guys very much. Tony Starr has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Amazing. Welcome to the show, Tony. Thank you very much. How long have you been doing stand-up? Nine months, sir. Nine months. You're fantastic. Where did you start at? Here in Austin? I started in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Okay. That's where you live? Absolutely. Yeah. That is not where I live. I moved out here about four months ago. And I don't do stand-up comedy. I do musical comedy. Really? Yes, sir. How do you do that? You have a guitar or something? I do. I have a guitar. I try to do it better than it's ever been done.

46:41Amazing. Really? Well, you must be fucking... How long have you been doing that? I've been doing that for the nine months since I started as well. You started doing musical comedy, and you just have funnier bits than most stand-ups that don't do that. Yes, sir. So your real specialty is with a guitar. Yes, sir. Do we have an extra guitar? We do? Uh-oh. Is that thing tuned? It is? Wow, great. Amazing. Look at this. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? I mean, really.

47:18She even knows where to put the plug and everything. I know she looks like she's not that smart, but she's absolutely brilliant, everybody. There you go. You brought a guitar pick. Amazing. Perfect. Do your fucking thing. Can we hold a mic up to the guitar? Does that help? Sorry, my bad. It's plugged in, so I think we'll be just fine. Tony. Right, folks? Tony. Tony. Tony. As long as it's not, like, copywritten. It is not. It's my own original stuff. Fantastic. Do me a favor. Turn that KT logo that's underneath the mic. There you go. Perfect. Thank you. Thank you. I'm not a control freak at all.

48:01All right, here we go, baby. Tony Scar. One, two, three. Not quite yet, Tony. You got it. Oh, shit. Okay. Double check it. Okay. There we go.

48:19Wow. That is a crazy trick. How about one more time for Tony Scar, ladies and gentlemen? I love it. I love it.

48:32I saw the most beautiful thing today. I saw a homeless man playing guitar to a homeless woman. It was homeless love, or as we call it in Austin, love.

48:47And I imagine what that homeless love song would sound like, and I think that, folks, it would sound a little something like this. Girl, you have the three prettiest teeth this world has ever seen You make me want to bend this used needle Right into a wedding ring You're not like other girls Cause other girls would never try to street fight a pigeon Or rummage through the trash by chewing through the bag But she's a little bit different

49:48She said her name was...

50:01Is it French? Cause I love it.

50:07She's the only woman I have ever met whose love language is masturbating in public.

50:16I bet they'd say cute shit in that song. They'd spell it out, you know what I mean? Like, the L in love is for heroin.

50:27The O in love is for heroin.

50:33The V in love is for violence. And they don't know that there's an E in love.

50:55They say cute shit like For our anniversary I'll get you a loud Metal rack Loud metal rack That you can Bang on if it gets too Quiet and the voices Come back schizophrenia

51:20I love that every inch of your skin's a different color

51:37and I love how every one of your mess sores feels like rubber and you have the prettiest, laziest eyes and when you defecate, you pick it up just to throw it at other guys. The world is ours. I know that it is. We can write our initials on the sidewalk with piss. Or maybe we can start a family and give birth to a miscarriage.

52:31A standing ovation for Tony Sarr, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much, folks. I love you all. Amazing. I gotta tell you for nine months my mind is completely blown I think you have an unbelievable gift how old are you? I'm 21 years old 21 years old amazing and this show means a whole lot to me I love that I gotta tell you go fuck yourself you asshole go fuck yourself nine months 21 years old that's like literally if I was at the store it's unbelievable that's one of the best sets I've seen from a young comic in a long time that's how a star is born Thank you very much, Chow Man. I appreciate it.

53:09Can you catch? I can, yes, sir. You sure? Yes, sir. Are you positive? I am positive. Great. Here you go. It's a golden ticket.

53:21Boom.

53:28Song for Pony Scar, ladies and gentlemen. Live in the flesh, 21. Anytime you have another song that you want to come play on the show You just let us know and you're gonna get to do it in front of millions of people anytime you want. Thank you Tony star ladies and gentlemen with this Hill Tony debut I'm sure you'll be in the next secret show Secret show man. Yeah, I will see you there Congratulations welcome to the family Tony star has arrived ladies and gentlemen. There you go The American dream here on Kill Tony There he goes. Tony Scar. How fun is that? I'm not lying. That's literally, hands down, one of the best.

54:16Oh, yeah. He's got it. Holy shit. He's got it. Oh, dear God, thank you. That could end up being, like, the greatest musical comedian of all time one day. Only nine months in, has us all laughing. Great jokes in there. Great jokes. Incredible. Big dick. Sorry.

54:35well we have another golden ticket winner back there ready to go this was his spot on the show ladies and gentlemen make some noise for the return of colin sledge everybody here he is

54:51okay thank you

54:55um once i was talking to a girl at a bar and i thought it was going okay but she threw a drink in my face. I was like, hey, watch it. There's$30 of roofies in there.

55:14So the problem with that joke is I don't know if that's the right amount of money to say.

55:21I'm afraid to look it up. I'm nice.

55:30I would never catcall a lady because that would give away my position.

55:45No, I would never stalk a woman either because I feel like it'd be boring after like an hour. Like, oh, she's going to the grocery store. Oh, she's going to yoga. Oh, she's going to the police station. Oh, she's coming back out. She's pointing at me. Okay, thank you. Colin Sledge with Pure Colin Sledge Comedy. Hi. That's you. Thank you. You're that guy. That's me. The roofies giving away your position with the catcall. On brand. How's life been going, Colin? It's been good. I had a thing that I was going to say, but I just want to shout out Yehi. She messaged me on Hinge like a year ago. Oh, shit.

56:34Just completely cold. And she was just like, where can I get on stage in Houston? And I didn't see her for months. I just told her all my places. And then she just started showing up one day. And I never brought it up with her. No one in Houston knows, but they will now, I guess. So shout out to her. Look at that. Can I say one thing? Yeah. After the last gentleman that crushed it, I see like you're, obviously you're nervous. I can see. Oh, that's always. But I got to tell you, to come up after somebody crushes like that, that's the fucking worst feeling in the world as a comic. And I got to tell you, your first joke out of the gates, you fucking killed me.

57:13It was fucking great, buddy. I swear to God I mean that. It's not an easy thing to do when you did it. That's one of the toughest things in comedy. Like following this asshole. So, unbelievable work, honestly. Colin is a great joke writer. Everything kind of is on theme with him. He's like a creepy guy that lurks and stares through your blinds and stuff. He's on the other side of the window or behind a tree peeking at you or something. I met his girlfriend, though. Very delightful. What a nice, nice woman. Yeah, she's a nice lady. She's a comedian, also. She signs up. Really? Has she ever been pulled before?

57:47Never been pulled before. Really? She's been signing up since before I started doing comedy again. She's been signing up for a long time. Did she sign up tonight? Yes, she did sign up. What's her name? Timely Rain. What is it? Timely Rain. What is it? That's her real name. Enunciate, motherfucker. Timely Rain. Timely Rain? That's her name. That sounds like a Prince album. Yeah. Why don't you go wrangle Timely Rain real quick? So how long ago did you start stand-up? She's been signing up since when? She's been signing up, I think, like two or three years. She used to take the bus from Houston to Austin and do stand-up and crash at her friend.

58:31Wow. Did she know you fucked Yehi? We did not fuck. Yeah. Y 'all can bring that up. I did not tell her that I was going to say that. Look at me. Did you fuck Yehi? I didn't fuck Yehi. Look at the fucking eyes, motherfucker, with those creamy, plastic eyes. I know you. It was a completely sterile conversation. A massage, if you will. How long have you been with Timely Rain? It was like two weeks after I got on this show, actually. We started... Again, when is that? February. It was February. Remember, I had to come back for your show on Wednesday and his show on Thursday. And I didn't know anything about Austin, so she accompanied me for all of that.

59:13And we just started hanging out all the time. Interesting. Look at that. Very timely. Yeah. Wow. Look at that. Random whores in the audience just yelling stuff out. Absolutely incredible. Oh, there's a lot of fans of the whores out there. Are we ready? Ladies and gentlemen, here's the Kill Tony debut. No, you sit on D. Madness' stool while he goes pee. Go on, sit down. Sit down, Colin. Jesus fucking Christ, just sit down. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the Kill Tony debut. years in the making of Timely Rain, everybody. Here she is.

59:55The first time me and my boyfriend ever slept together.

1:00:01When he got in bed, he accidentally, like, kneed me right in the pussy. I was like, that's a weird way to check if I have a dick. My new boyfriend, he's really nice. He likes the Muppets.

1:00:21And he sings Wicked with me in the car. So my mom really likes him. But he's a little racist, so my dad likes him too.

1:00:33He does comedy as well. And he's been doing it for way less than I have. And he gets books more than I do. Which means not only is he funnier than me, it means he sucks better dick than I do too.

1:00:56I love Austin, I really do, but man, half the people look, half the men here look like they'll root for you, while the other half of them look like they're like, um, actually, it's called Rohypnol. Thank you, my name's Tyler Raines. Tyler Raines. Welcome to the show. Hi. Hell yeah. We just heard all about you. It's an anomaly how many times you've signed up and not gotten pulled. I've wanted this for so long. Wow. Congratulations. Thank you. You're in it. Thank you. Hell yeah. Thank you. Thank you. So timely. How long have you been doing stand-up exactly? Four years. Four years. Actually, this week is my four-year anniversary.

1:01:36Nice. And all of it in Houston, Texas? Houston, Texas. How do you make money? Stand-up comedy. Oh, nice. I produce shows, but I also do a bunch of gig work. I work at the Renaissance Festival, and I'm like a bartender at different theaters and stuff like that. What do you do at the Renaissance Festival? I do sometimes comedy, but mostly I just talk in a British accent and serve people alcohol. Can you give us an example of what that sounds like? Good day, my lord and lady. What would you like to eat? Wow. I usually wear a little hat. Dundee's been waiting for years to play Renaissance Fair music.

1:02:11He's like, I can't. Wow. He was on that. That is incredible. You've had that loaded up forever. Timely, that's fucking awesome. Colin, why don't you go start the car? Go start the car. Thank you. Fucking killer. Fucking killer. Colin, go start the car. Colin, stay here. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Amazing, Timely Rain. That is incredible. Is it true that you guys really sing Wicked in the car together? Yeah, that's how he got me. Really? Uh-huh. One time. Colin, let's hear you hit that crazy note up here. No, come on, Colin. No, you have to try, Colin. What song is it? What do you mean? You know which fucking one.

1:02:54Yeah! You gotta try, Colin. Stand up. Stand up, Colin. Listen to your lady, Colin. Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. Stand the fuck up. I know how home life is. Listen to timing, motherfucker. Stand the fuck up, motherfucker. Stop being a bitch. Yeah, shave that beard and stop going to supercustion. It's my time. Motherfucker. It's my fucking time. Hit the fucking nose. All right, give him the mic. Now fucking belt something, Colin. Uh, wow. Very good. There you go. Kermit the Frog on Wicked. Do it again. No, it's all right. It's okay. Timely, what's the craziest thing about your life? You ever see anything traumatizing or been through anything wild?

1:03:38My husband. What? No. Why don't you let her decide what the fucking funniest option is right now, Colin? I don't know. The most traumatic thing, my trans sister said she witnessed a stab. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You can't speed through that. You sheep. You have to say my trans sister. You can't say my trans sister. My trans sister. Transistor. It's a 311 song, everybody. It is. It's called Transistor. Off the hit album 311 from the band 311. You know that song? Yeah. Okay. My trans sister told me that last night she witnessed a stabbing at a venue, and I told her she needs to stop hanging out with those kinds of people.

1:04:31Yeah, her people. Those kinds would be the kind that stab. Was it a trans person stabbing another person? Yes. Yeah. It's crazy. Almost seems like there's some type of correlation between mental illness and the trans community. They both run in my family. It almost seems like there's a slight thing going on where those are the people doing things. I don't like them. I don't like them. My brother, he's not gay, but he does wear crop tops and he hasn't told us what that means yet. What the fuck's going on to your family? My real name is actually Timely Rain. Wow. Like you said, what's going on with your fucking family?

1:05:10So your parents Are they very strict, religious, or quite the opposite? No, quite the opposite My mom was a raver in the 90s And my dad was a straight edge punk And they met while working in a record store together Hell yeah It all makes sense And Portland was born Well, Timely, congratulations You got a big joke book. Very fun stuff. I love to have you on the secret show. I'll be there. Congratulations. Timely rain and Colin Sledge, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. How fun. Hey. Doodly dood. Hey. All right. Back to the bucket we go. This is the perfect music for this name. Make some noise for Biddy O 'Loughlin, everyone.

1:06:02Biddy O 'Loughlin.

1:06:08G'day. I'm from Australia. I'm trying to move here. Get away from gun violence.

1:06:27I'm a single mother. People say that's bad for kids. But I reckon abortions do more damage.

1:06:38I've been going to the gym a bit recently for my mental health. I've already got a six-pack. I just want to stop wishing I was dead.

1:06:48Membership was cheap and the gym's on top of a tall building.

1:06:54I don't do long at the gym. I go for like 20 minutes. Turns out pissing off fat chicks is a real mood booster.

1:07:07They're just jokes. I think fat lives matter. I've got a lot of sympathy for fat people because I was anorexic. I know exactly what it's like to feel obese.

1:07:22Biddy O 'Loughlin with a great set. Boom. Thank you. You've been on this show before, Biddy. I have. Welcome back. Thank you. Very, very fun stuff. Very fun stuff all the way around. Topical joke with the guns. Yeah, I had that the day after. I was signing up and I was kind of glad I didn't get on because it might have been a little too soon. Yeah, that's perfect. That's when it's the most fun, I think. But I get in trouble all the time, so what do I know? I love it. Biddy, remind us, how long have you been on stand-up? I started 15 years ago. I took a really long break, like I did nine years off, and then I started again in 2020 just before the pandemic.

1:08:01And then it's been on and off. kind of got cancelled in Australia, like blacklisted for some jokes. What jokes? Trans jokes and then drinking with Aboriginal people jokes. Please do that. Do that. Like, I would love to hear... Fire it up. What were the jokes exactly? Australia's a little sensitive. Fire it up. The trans jokes, I don't know. It was just a bar I used to get a gig every three months and then one day I was just given a phone call saying, you're never going to get this gig again. And I was like, okay. And then I posted about it and then I took it down and then it got picked up by the newspaper, probably just because my mom was a comedian.

1:08:46So they're like, famous comedian's daughter is a transphobe. Ah, that'll do it. Did your mom get any backlash from having a trans daughter? She probably did in some request folder or something. Yeah. The Madness famous homophobe is here. He arrives for the anti-trans material. Even though that sweater does kind of look like the trans flag. I got to warn you, D Madness, the colors on it. That's what it looks like. It's blue and pastel. A little fun fact for you. I have it hanging over my bed, so I know. I love it. Biddy, when did you have the kid? How old is this? She's four and a half years old.

1:09:29Okay. Where's she at? She's been interested in three times. She's at a hotel, and I got a babysitter, and it was so perfect. Everything just worked out. I was able to sign up. Amazing. Amazing. Anything weird going on with the four-and-a-half-year-old? Normal kid? She's very normal. She's quite funny. Very funny, I'd say. That's something funny that the kid's done. Okay. Well, recently I reverted to Catholicism a couple of years ago. I was raised Catholic, and now I'm back. And I've been teaching my daughter to do the sign of the cross when we go past a Catholic church. and we ride the bus everywhere.

1:10:01So one day I was telling her to do the sign of the cross. I'm sorry. Then the other day, another day, we went past her ballet school, and I said, oh, we're coming past your ballet school. And she said, do I have to spin? Get her on stage for now. Get this bitch on stage. I want to see her in diapers right now. Kids are funny. I was FaceTiming with my buddy Nick on Christmas, and he goes, hey, this is my niece over here. basically around that age. And I go, hi, kid. I'm rich and famous. And she went afterwards to her mom and goes, I met Nick's friend, Richard Famous. See how adorable that is? Kids say the darndest things.

1:10:44They do. Biddy, where's the baby daddy at? He is in my hometown of Alice Springs. But he's not in the kid's life? He

1:10:58he knows about her and uh he he would he would catch up with us all right there's just some band members that are questioning they'd like to know if you're single there's some yeah that song's funnier in renaissance fair uh

1:11:18i love it what does the dad do for work um we met at work actually we're working on a tv show He was a camera assistant and I was the director's assistant. You fucking slut.

1:11:33You said go for it. But I'm celibate now. You went. Are you really? Yeah, yeah. Is that by choice? I won't have sex until I am married, which probably means I'll never get married. Yeah, well, you have a single kid, so it's not easy out there. Yeah. You're fine. I got to tell you, you killed the vibe in this room. No. Biddy, you're fantastic. You are a true pro. Thank you so much. Fun stuff. You already have a big joke book, right? From your last time on? Perfect. There she goes, Biddy O 'Loughlin. On to the next one. You guys still having fun out there? Anything can happen, ladies and gentlemen.

1:12:11And this looks like a new name, maybe. I don't know. We'll see. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's Jimmy Prescott, everybody. There he is. Jimmy Prescott.

1:12:26I made a mistake. I shaved my beard after two years. I used to look like a man, a homeless man, but still a man. Now I look like I never got over Weezer. I look like I never... I look like the cuck chair at the hotel was created for me. Politically, I am a leftist, right-wing liberal, far-right, left-right, woke racist. I'm only joking, guys. I am not woke, and I don't like politics. But I do like starting political arguments on social media. I like it so much that if I had pronouns, they would be block and report. I should also mention that I am not racist, because I have a friend who is black.

1:13:16Everyone knows if you have one or more black friends, you can't be a racist. Now, I'll be honest, I haven't hung out with my black friend in a couple of years. But I still write to him in prison. Thank you. Fuck yeah, Jimmy. Thank you. I like your style. You're great. How long have you been on stand-up? One year. One year? Yes, sir. Wow. All of it here in Austin? Yep. This is where you live? I lived here since 1996. Wow. Where were you at before that? Houston. Okay. And what made you pick Austin? I got a job up here. Okay. What do you do for work? I worked at video game companies. I was working on Ultima Online.

1:13:55Red Band probably knows about it Very well, I'm positive So I've hung out with Richard Garriott, you know, he was like my old boss Yeah, and then I got into just normal tech stuff Okay, cool, I love it You married, kids, anything? I have a kid Okay, four and a half year old in Australia? No But you said it I got a kid I love it And so you're working in tech now? Yeah Just some weird hardware stuff. Yeah, I'm not supposed to talk about it. I got it. What made you want to start stand-up a year ago? I was, like, you know, just hanging around, and I've always kind of wanted to do it, and I was making short films and stuff a long time ago, so, like, comedy short films.

1:14:40Yeah. I made a short film called Love Holstery. It's about a guy who finds comfort over a recent breakup of the arms of his favorite chair. Ooh. Yeah. If you get to about, like, I think it's 14 and 30, 14 minutes, 30 seconds in and you're watching it with no headphones, somebody's going to think you're watching porn. So it's called Love Holstery. What was the time mark again? It's called Love Holstery. Love Holstery. And that's on YouTube? Yeah, yeah. Nice. Okay, great. What else, Jimmy? Tell us more about your life. Let's see. My high school girlfriend went on to become Penthouse Pet of the Year in 2002.

1:15:18Wow. I'm going to start it there. Megan Mason. Yeah. Megan Mason. You got a pic on your phone? What's that? Can I see her? Oh, yeah. You can Google her. You can just Google her, dude. You don't need my phone. Megan Mason. There you go. Penhouse Pet of the Year, 2002. I did 2020, so... Oh, there you go. Yeah, Megan Mason. All right, you horny fucks. Jesus Christ. Let's stick with the interview here while you go fucking try to get a boner. Have a good time? That's her stage name. He talks about nothing. I know her real name. He does, too. Fuck. Okay. Jimmy, what else? Don't tell her I was on here.

1:15:53What's a weird habit that you have that you do every day? Shit. A weird habit. I don't know. I just, you know, I don't know about that one. A weird habit. I'm trying to think of something. What's the first thing you do when you get out of bed? You get out of bed. You do what? I eat as in. You eat as in? Yeah, I got to wake up. Wow. Okay. I think you're supposed to just leave it in your mouth, but. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I put it in my, yeah. I eat it. It's fine. Perfect. Like three of them, the whole can. Gin cereal. And then what? You have a cup of coffee? Does your kid live with you? No. Okay.

1:16:27Of course. The kid, you're going to love this. Uh-huh. I didn't know he was my kid until he was 16. Wow. You're so lucky. Okay, so how did you find out? So he did a 23andMe test. Uh-huh. And people with my last name started popping up in the family tree. Uh-huh. He asked his mom, and his mom was like, oh, shit. So she messaged me. And I was like, hey, let's do a paternity test. 99.9999%. Wow. Yeah. Amazing. So tell us about the 16-year-old. Well, he's almost 18 now. Right. Yeah. So we're hanging out. We've been hanging out. I'm paying child support. What was the time mark on that short film? Was it 1430?

1:17:09Oh, it was 14. 1430. Yeah, about 1430. I'm sorry. I just got back. About 1430. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, anyway. He's got a kid he met at 16 I'm paying a good father He's on my insurance You know, like paying child support You guys have anything in common? You guys, like I mean Oh, he's awesome Quirky that you notice that you guys have in common? Oh, we have the same pinky toe What's weird about your pinky toe? They look exactly the same Wait, hold on, time out So you have a child I told you you missed a lot You can't just take a piss and jump in on this guy Hold on Let me just stick with this for a second.

1:17:48You're saying that your pinky toe looks the same. Exactly the same. But what's odd? It's like tiny little... Twisted, very small nail. How the fuck do you know all this? Show me your fat tits. Okay. Jesus Christ. Show me your fat tits, dude. My God. You guys are out of control. Honestly, let me see your feet. No, you don't have to do that. No, he's doing it. Let's guaranteeing this shit. Don't like that other coward. Let's guaranteeing this shit. The random ass fucking... Yep. Yep. See that little... He's got the Comcast. Let me see. Lift it up over here. I can't see it. He's got the Com... Don't.

1:18:20Dude, that's fucking disgusting. Feel the fuck. Oh, yeah, you're right. Put it on the table. That thing is under his... It's under his ring toe. Yeah, yeah. No, I have this same one. Pinky's a college football. That fucking second... What are you, toe rating me? That is... Look at this Comcast remote. Look at this. Right next to his pink toe. Look at the Comcast remote, dude. It goes in. That's wild. Disgusting. Comes back out. All the buttons get to Netflix. You can get the Netflix on this dude's left foot. Oh, yeah. Pig. This episode brought to you by straight tequila, everybody. Just absolutely un-fucking-real what's going on over here.

1:18:57Jimmy. Oh. Jimmy. Anything else crazy about your life we should know before getting you out of here? Let's see. I got a pilot's license. I don't know. What do you do with it? Do you ever use it? Not anymore. I did it for fun. Yeah. One day I woke up and I was like, you know what? I'm going to get a fucking pilot's license. And that's what I did. That's awesome. I took a bunch of friends flying, and now I don't do it. Was it 9-10? You know, that's a good question. I don't know. Probably. Guys, so we had an event called 9-11 in this country. Okay. I was there. I saw it. You were in New York? I wasn't there, but I watched it on TV.

1:19:32Yeah, we all did. All right. I'm 48. He's just kidding. Jimmy, great stuff. Great set, especially for a year. Congratulations, Jimmy Prescott. How fun. This episode brought to you by Mezcal and Double Talk. Crossed off. Nothing better than you two just going... Fucking wild animals up here. I'm like, this will be fun. I'll book two of my favorite drinking buddies at the same time. What could go wrong? Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl. Hold on, this lady's got to go fuck a sheep with her vest on. Look at this. Look at that thing. Look at that. Unbelievable. All right, your next bucket poll.

1:20:22You guys still having fun out there, huh? Make some noise for your next one. It's Matt Rebus, everybody. Here we go. It's Matt Rebus.

1:20:33How we doing, everybody? Damn. Fuck, man. I just got addicted to OnlyFans. Yeah, man. You guys realize OnlyFans is like the new form of scratch-offs? Yeah, it'd be on the homepage, just blurry picture,$5. I'm like, I can afford that. I bought 10 of them one time, like they're a pack of Pokemon cards. I started ripping them, looking for a Charizard. It was just a bunch of EVs. I was like, God damn it. Yeah, one time, dude, I bought a 10-pack worth of toes. $10. I'm like, bitch, this is$4 worth of toes max. Yeah, I looked at it, I was like, I sent another$1.99 just to message you. I was like, bitch, this is$4 worth of toast bags.

1:21:15He painted skin on that pinky toe. That's a nub. Fucking crazy. OnlyFans is cool. I feel like OnlyFans is like the new form of fucking fantasy football. Yeah, fantasy football. They get the fan groups together and start competing for the MVP. Yeah, the most valuable pussy is just crazy. I guess that's it. Matt Revis. Matt, are you extremely tired right now? Yeah, I am. A little bit. I'm a little Asian, too. It doesn't count. Okay. Are you high, too? No, just a little Asian, dude. I found out that 10 years ago. Yeah. Wait, hold on. You found out you're Filipino? Yeah. No, I found out I was a little Japanese.

1:21:58Just a little bit. Well, every Japanese is a little Japanese. It took you a long look into a mirror? Shit, I thought I was Mexican until this fucking 10 years ago. Just him in the lake going, oh, shit. I might be fucking Japanese

1:22:17So exactly how did You don't have your dad in your life? No, I do have a father Nice brown Mexican father So your mom's a little bit Japanese? No, my dad is He's the guy It's like three generations ago From like the 1800s He came over making fireworks and shit Does your dad have those eyes? Well get your fucking crutches And come back down and do the set again It makes sense because you just bombed. I know. Yeah. Trust me, I know. 10 % Hiroshima. Yeah, you were 150 % Chinese tonight, pal. It was a prophecy. It had to happen in the fat man. Matt Rebus, how long have you been doing stand-up? Four years.

1:23:02What do you do for work? I was roadieing for a singer. I've been doing roadie work this last few weeks, months and shit like that. You're a roadie. Yeah. So you plug in microphones and stuff. Plug in microphones, drive the tour bus, all that good stuff. Okay. For anyone we would know? He's a country singer out of Fort Worth, Louis the Singer. He's a pretty cool guy, yeah. Good match for a Japanese. Yeah, dude. I was the most... Driving a tour bus, nothing better than you people out there with a 15-ton weapon.

1:23:37So, Matt, what's your love life like? Dude, it's horrible. I got rejected at H-E-B the other day, man. It fucked me up. They wouldn't let you buy groceries? No. What do you... No, this nice lady rejected me, man. What do you mean? It's hard, because it's hard to buy groceries and hit on women whenever you can only afford fucking Vienna sausages, you know? Yeah, I'm walking around with five flavors of Spam. This girl got chia seeds and kale. I'm like, I can't afford that. The kale's like$10 a bushel nowadays, dude. It's fucking fucked. And I don't like chia seeds, man. Yeah, I hate that. Shit feels like cum.

1:24:15I don't like it. I was like, ugh. I just tell you, your blind guitar player said, I wish I was deaf. Yeah. It's amazing. It is incredible. All right, Matt. I'm going to keep it moving along. Here's a medium joke book for you. There he goes, Matt Rebus, everybody. Go take a nap, Matt. Go take a nap. You're exhausted right now. It's more than just Asian there. All right. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Emanuel Martinez, everybody. Make some noise for Emanuel. These people have been waiting all day for this. For the opportunity of a lifetime.

1:24:56Hello. Thank you. I had jaw surgery growing up. It's a fun fact that I like to bring up on dates. I was on one date, and this girl was like, oh, my gosh, can we still kiss? I was like, actually, I just prefer sex. She said, I prefer we just kiss. I was like, all right, well, I know you paid for dinner, but I prefer we kiss. She had a kid, too, which was crazy. And, you know, we got along. Me and her kid got along. Until one night that kid called me dad. Yeah, dude, I'm with you. I left. I was only 18 at the time, all right? I was only 18, okay? I can't be responsible for a 15-year-old. Like, I see him in school every day.

1:25:49We take the same classes. He helps me on homework every night. I was like, dude, you should be my dad. I can't be a father figure to someone and then share the same bully. Imagine that. Okay, Emmanuel Martinez. All right. Hello. Have you been on this show before? First time, Tony. This is your first time. Okay, good. I'm good. How long have you been doing stand-up? I'm about to hit two years in March. Okay, two years in March. Where have you been doing it? North Carolina. North Carolina. That's where you live. Yes. I was born in Texas but raised in North Carolina. Okay. What do you do for work?

1:26:25I'm a grad student. Of what? Physical therapy. Do you do that? I'm in school for it. You're still in school. How much longer do you have left? First year is about to be over. I've got two more years. Two more years. How old are you? I'm 28. 28. What made you want to get into physical therapy now? I was a trainer for a very long time. I did nursing school, and then I failed. And I was like, all right, well. You failed at what? Nursing school? Nursing school. How did you fail? Explain to us exactly what part you failed at. I failed. It was a community college, too. That's embarrassing. Yeah.

1:27:04I know. Keep going. You have four exams throughout the year. The first one I did good. I got too cocky. And then I bombed the third exam. And then... Dude, he's breaking down the exam. Just tell us why you're dumb, dude. You got to talk about that, dude. You got to talk about that. Like, you're the worst doctor, a shitty nurse. Like, do that. Like, that's, yeah. Nursing at a community college, that's pretty awful, dude. Yeah. Were you studying? Were you trying? I was trying. Do you think that maybe, do you think maybe, like, that might not be your thing? Have you ever thought about working in a factory or something, perhaps?

1:27:51Like, maybe helping other humans' health if you can't pass the stuff, like, isn't for you? I have a question. How long have you been in this country? How long have you been here? Look at me. Look at me in the eyes. How long have you been here? 28 years. What's your first name? Emmanuel.

1:28:13It's on the paper. It's on the paper. Emmanuel, anything crazy about your life that we'll find interesting? Let's see. I had the jaw surgery a little bit. Why? Why did you have jaw surgery? I had an underbite. So they broke both my jaws and they bit it like that. Somebody's booing your surgery over here. Was that you? Who was it? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? I'm going to... Perform physical therapy on them? All right. Yeah. Emmanuel, here's a little joke book. We're going to keep it moving along. Thank you. Good job, buddy. There you go. a couple very sleepy Mexicans back to back here on Kiltoni really bringing the momentum to a screeching halt.

1:29:01Just exhausted Mexicans. Anybody notice that? I don't know. We need to create another crippled Asian to bring it back. Remember when they used to have the energy? They used to be ready to work. Hey, what's up everybody? Now they're exhausted. These people are exhausted Mexicans now. I failed at a nursing school. I'm not good at learning. All right. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Saul Wilson, everybody. Here we go. Saul Wilson.

1:29:41How's it going? I overheard a lesbian talking to her friend about how she's going to spice up her relationship. And she's like, yeah, we're getting a flashlight for our dildo. you know, third party. But I was in traffic, and I saw this lesbian again driving in a car, except she wasn't on the road. She was, like, on the sidewalk, and it wasn't a real car. It was, like, a much smaller car, like, kind of odd-looking. And on the back of her window, it said, toys are just like real boys.

1:30:26And I was kind of drunk the other night, and I thought I walked into a Whataburger, but it was D. Madness's house, and he was like, what, a burger?

1:30:41And let's say when I turn on the lights, he didn't have all the ingredients for a burger, so I had to go. All right, thank you so much. All right, Paul Wilson. What the fuck happened there? Hi, Saul. Welcome. This is your first time on the show. Yes, thanks a lot. I would remember that fucking head. I always wonder what Tony Hawk would look like with full-blown leukemia. It's amazing. Saul Wilson. Looks like you could use a little jaw surgery, huh? All right, Saul. How long have you been doing stand-up? Not too long. Like two years, I'd say. Two years. I love it. where at um okay this is uh frowned upon but in my car okay tell us what you mean by that uh like uh doing right share just doing my bits to people oh really you're one of those guys holy shit has it ever backfired has anyone ever been like yo dude please can you just shut the fuck up because that's what they're thinking so yeah this one time i had i guess it was like you know two wives and you know maybe in texas that's like you don't talk about this stuff but i i made like a big dick joke.

1:31:54What was the joke? I forget, but you know, like essentially, I already said too much. Anyways, but it was just uncomfortable. They didn't have to know that. Can I hear the joke? He doesn't remember it. What is going on? It was like... You tell jokes in your car to two lesbians? How are you always around all these lesbians? Seems like everything you do, there's lesbians involved. Steve Allen alone. That was just the theme for tonight, yeah. All right. You don't remember the joke? You sure? Yeah, it was like in conversation, like just like... Ah, got it. Got it. Chatting it up with lesbos. Saul, so that's what you do for work?

1:32:42You drive? Yeah. Okay. What kind of car do you have? Mazda. Oh, okay. Pre-owned or new?

1:32:55Can I get a drink? Yeah, absolutely. So, Saul, tell us something interesting about your life. How old are you? I'm 36. 36. You got 36 years of experience to draw from. Give us a little fun fact about Saul Wilson that might surprise us. I could beatbox, I guess. Oh! Fucking send it. Okay. Send it to Saul. Nothing better than the whitest white guy ever beatboxing. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Saul Wilson. I've never done it in front of people. Turn your back. You tell a big dick joke in front of lesbians, but you don't beatbox? Let's do this shit. Just pretend like you're in your car. Make yourself at home.

1:33:37I think they hold it a certain way. Just try it, Saul. Just ask them. What do you mean they? Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, the whitest white guy of all time, beatboxing. Who hates blacks? Here on the beatbox. No, I've never done it. You got this song. Wow, it sounds so stupid. I'm so sorry. No, I want you to keep... Hold on. Guys, guys, guys. I want you to keep trying until you get it. How do you do it in real life? No, I'm sorry. You literally can't beatbox at all. My mouth is dry. My mouth is dry. Have a sip of water. We're going to do this until you fucking beatbox. I will keep us here all night.

1:34:25Could I?

1:34:30All right. Hold on. Let him do it.

1:34:39Wow. I'm sorry. It sounds so stupid. Wow. That's incredible. You have the rhythm of Yehi's crutches. Incredible. Unbelievable. No timing whatsoever. It sounds like Yehi coming up the stairs. Why so many stale? There's so many stale.

1:35:04You sound like Yehi falling down the stairs, actually. It's just a Jew sneezing into the mic. Awkward. Allergy.

1:35:20Allergy. That's a Jew opening the bill at a restaurant. Just...

1:35:29Not mine. Not mine. Yehe is actually a Michael Jackson impersonator, too. She's... Yehe. You're out of control. Where's my whiskey? You need to drink. Wow. Saul, is there anything you can do? I could kind of do the late SNL guy's voice. Okay, let's hear that. Let's hear that. You don't have to say, I've never done it before. Like, we know. Just do it. Live from Austin, it's Goulds-Oney. You can't do that either. What else do you think you can do? This is absolutely incredible. You might be the most untalented man in the history of the show. You should give me a gold bar for being here. You are the opposite of a talented human.

1:36:24You owe me gold. Okay, what else do you think you can do? Because this is entertaining. Come on, give us something else. Show me your fat tits. Can you do an impression of something? Is there something else? Someone's going to show their fat tits and I don't. I swear to God. It's going to be you, Tommy. It's definitely going to be you. You're ten mezcals in. It's going to be your fat tits on this show tonight. Oh, God forbid. How many of you want to see Tommy's tits, huh? Oh, they have spoken. Oh, now you're having fun, huh? Fucking perverts.

1:37:10We want to see those pepperoni pizzettes, dude. You got normal fucking nips. You got normal nips? I don't think anybody believes them. Look at you. Whoa, there's the lovely Heidi. Here they come. Here they come. He's going to open up that Shawshank Redemption fucking polo shirt he's got. Fucking hot chicks. Get the fuck out of here. It's for the boys. This is for the boys. I don't want any fucking hot chicks. Let's see. Oh, my God. Look how hairy those are. Oh, my God. Literally. He's got the chest of the mighty Chewbacca, ladies and gentlemen. Guy knows how to co-pilot the Millennium Falcon. Wow.

1:37:57I just saw Fifty Shades of Grey. Falcon. I just passed out. Saul Wilson, you've had some time to think over there. Is there anything else you're good at? He's still on the stage. Yeah. Dude, I'm not kidding. I thought he left. No, I know. That's crazy you're still here, dude. Saul. I would have fucking ran through the vent if I were you. Is there anything else you think you can do? That's nuts. Nothing? I'm leaning on the comedy, I guess. What? I'm leaning on the comedy. Okay. All right, Saul. Well, fun times. You're leaving here with a little joke, but congratulations. Sign up again. Give us another minute sometime.

1:38:35We'll see if it can go better. Anything can happen. Stick around. You might see him improve. All right, let's do it. Final bucket bowl of the night goes by the name of Daniel Shepard, everybody. Here we go, Daniel Shepard. Danny!

1:38:56I saw a black guy driving a Waymo.

1:39:04He definitely stole that shit. there's no other way

1:39:14I actually saw a black technician driving it, the joke wrote itself I asked my gay friend what is it like to be gay and he said it sucks cock so it's amazing I found out bananas are technically berries did you guys know that? I always knew you could bury them up your ass but I never would have pegged them as berries.

1:39:44Y 'all ever notice that trans women are always really cool dudes? They're great guys every time. I love trans women. I'm 1950s gay. That means I like black women. According to my grandpa, that's gay. Okay, Daniel Shepard, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Absolutely adorable. Thank you. Obviously, what ethnicity are you? French Bulldog? Oh! Got an adorable round head, this boy. You just want to squeeze those cheeks. I got called that today. I got called that in a testicle today. I bet. I can see the resemblance. resemblance. So you've given me my third French Bulldog today. I love it. Daniel, how long have you been on stand-up?

1:40:36I'm about to be going on five years. Where at? Here in Austin. I love it. This is where you're born and raised? Yes, sir. What do you do for work? I just got a job. I'm a stripper. I work at a wire factory. I just got a job stripping wires and fabricating cables and stuff. Very nice. Yes. Very nice. What did you do before that? I was into welding. I actually parked cars for a long time with the PMC company out here. Okay. I was a valet. Then they made me a bellhop, and the tips were really shitty, but I loved working there, and I got free food. But the black guy got tipped a lot, and I got tipped nothing.

1:41:18We both did a great job. And he couldn't understand why I wanted to quit. And, you know, I like that guy a lot. I don't know why. Never mind. The hell? Come again? Do you hate blacks? I was jealous of my black co-worker but no, I don't hate blacks. I have a lot of black friends. How many black friends do you think you have exactly, Daniel? I have many black friends. Can you name some of your black friends for me? We want their names. Mr. Mars Martian and my best friend Brennan from childhood. I have... You stay in touch with Brandon? Brennan, yeah. He's from Ohio. How often do you talk to him?

1:41:57I touched base with him a few times a year. We met in middle school. He taught me how to be cool in middle school. Okay. Didn't work.

1:42:09Sorry. But I haven't seen Brendan in a long time. You haven't seen him in a long time. Yeah. Okay, what black friends, other than co-op and mic comedians, what other black friends do you have? Name one that you see that you don't have to do work with. Let me see here. fucking jamar it's been a minute i'm busy who's jamar are you lying jamar is a friend of a mutual friend of brendan and i what's his last name i don't remember jamar's last name how many asian friends how many asian friends look at me you racist piece of shit koreans name the korean first name last name my korean friend just died Oh, fuck.

1:42:56Yeah. It's so easy. Last Christmas. Yeah? How did your Korean friend die? On a motorcycle. He got hit. Wow. By your black friend? I don't know who hit him. Your Asian friend died on a motorcycle, and you're saying that he didn't cause the accident? No, I don't think so. I think he got T-boned. I think, you know, I don't know. It was out of North Austin. That's your other black friend, T-boned? I'll start making shit up. I'm trying to be honest. Yeah. They all hit each other at the same time. T-Bone Jenkins, ladies and gentlemen. It is true. Wow. So your Korean friend died on a motorcycle. Tragically, yeah.

1:43:39I've known him since I was five. Yeah. Game over for him. All right, P. You've known him since you were five. I love you. Bye-bye. I go to his class now. Bye. See you soon. Ooh, rest in peace. I can do that, because I'm... Bye, see you. Yeah, I shouldn't be doing... Bye, Vincent D 'Onofrio. Bye, Full Metal Jacket. I love you.

1:44:08I loved you in the Oscars. What? I did. I loved him on the Oscars. What do you mean? Didn't you host the Oscars? What do you... No, I'm Timu Jokoi. Oh, fuck. Oh. Yeah. Sorry, dude. I was praising you. I think he was serious. That was adorable. What is your name, sir? That rule. I love it. All right, Daniel.

1:44:41You've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. What did you get then? I got a small joke book last time. Okay, well, you've moved it up to a slightly medium joke book. Let's go. There he goes. Daniel Shepard. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome, buddy. Daniel. Put that mic stand back where you found it, Daniel, real quick. Daniel, there you go. Put the mic stand up. Instead of networking with the comedians, put it back where you found it. There you go, buddy. There goes Daniel Shepard, everybody. This guy's trying to shake hands. Hey, if you ever need an opener or something sometime. All right, ladies and gentlemen, our regulars are all out this week.

1:45:19Yeah, crazy. But we do have one prolific golden ticket winner left to close tonight's show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great Aaron Belisle, everybody. Here he is.

1:45:35The legend.

1:45:41Bluetooth Jenkins is what we call him. The brother of T-Bone. From America's Got Talent and Kill Tony fame, this is Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is.

1:46:02I don't have a single black friend.

1:46:14people assume I'm mentally retarded and they start playing charades with me it happened six times at the airport on the way here like I ordered Starbucks and my order was ready and she starts doing this

1:46:41By the sixth time, I just started doing it back to them. Hey, Sharon. I'm going to kill your whole fucking family. Family. You. Stupid. Piece of fucking shit.

1:47:12All that, and she says, oh no. I think he needs to use the potty.

1:47:23Tommy Pope, this sick fuck, is just sitting here, thinking about smelling my retard foot.

1:47:36Why would he... What's that? Because he didn't hear about the fat tit story. I'll smell your fat fucking foot. Oh, shit. Oh, he's laughing. I know you will. He's getting excited. What'd you say? I know you will. I'll smell your foot. Is this like a running joke or something? Why would he smell your retard foot? I don't understand what's happening. Tommy does... What? Do you have a half-baked idea you want to say, too? I didn't want to interrupt him, but Tommy does do that thing where he hugs you and he smells your ear and shit and sniffles it. Great stuff, Red Band. All right, let's go back to the...

1:48:19Describe Tommy's hugs in the middle of the fucking show. Great stuff, Red Band. What do you got? Oh, Aaron's pissed. Look at him. He's furiously typing. Let me cook, gay boy. Okay, yes. Okay, cook. Cook, I'm literally the one that brings you on the fucking show. I get nothing out of this. But yes, I'm not letting you cook enough. Jesus fucking Christ. Do you ever think being so ungrateful is why God hit you with... What? What is he smells like? It's not my fingers. What is happening right now? There might be a reason why the baristas think you're retarded, Aaron. You're out of your fucking mind.

1:48:58Yehi is so wet right now.

1:49:07Aaron, what's going on in life? Tell us about it. I want to let you cook. I just want to give you an opportunity to really cook it up in here. A guy that can literally only cook things in a microwave. But yes, go ahead. I'm going to let you microwave something up for everybody. A little lean cuisine over here. A little fucking Swanson dinner over here. Go ahead. I have an air fryer. Oh.

1:49:38Hell yeah. It's mother's womb.

1:49:51What? That's... Oh my god

1:50:00Sorry, I love Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, no, I know I'm sorry Aaron What else is going on in life? I'll beat the fuck out of you right now, dude Do you really cook we got on cooking you do have a built-in spatula There's something she said let let me cook. I'm curious Something you specialize Me and Aaron are friends, by the way. He doesn't, yeah, there you go. He likes to, when he has to type, he can't smile and type at the same time, so he gets serious. But when he looks up, he can smile. There he goes, looks serious. I'm just on the road a lot. Yeah. Going back on the road with Steve-O in the new year.

1:50:41Nice. Nice. Absolutely. Aaron, you're fantastic. We love you. You're a golden ticket winner, as always. And you did it yet again. How about a hand for Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen? The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in. Steve Byrne is on tour. Go to punchup.live. Find us tour dates. Tommy Pope has podcasts. Stuff Island. And look at Dish. A cooking show, which is awesome. How about one more time for Aaron Belial, everybody? Sweet boy. He can get a little feisty sometimes. He paid for Let Me Cook Gay Boy. I put him through the ringer for that one. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

1:51:22That's the great Ron White. Fuck yeah. Fun times tonight, people. Make sure you go to Netflix. Watch Kill Tony, Once Upon a Time in Texas. It's out now. Push it to the moon, Red Band. Check out my new video on YouTube, CapRed7. It's called Cherry Root Beer. Thank you. Okay, there you go. And we love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. One more time for Steve Byrne and Tommy Pope. God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

1:52:26The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

1:52:55She's wide awake in her whiskey hole.

1:53:21Thank you.

1:53:51Thank you.