#753 - SAM TALLENT + JIM BREUER

18:13I feel bad, man, because she hyped us up, and her cousins are like, you're going to crush it, man. You're going to crush it. And they're all like, just be cool. She did her best. You did. She's freaking out. Yeah. Don't freak out. It's all good. You crushed it. That wasn't easy and you did a fine job. You weren't expecting to get pulled. This is the biggest platform in comedy. Of course your brain's breaking in half. Thank you. And did your father really pass from COVID? I didn't know you could die of a hoax. Now look. Now see, you can have that. Put that in the act. You can... I'll add that. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

18:56I can't use it, thank God. That's how we got out of paying child support, I think.

18:59Brian Redban:Oh, okay. Now we're cooking. Yeah. Yeah. How many brothers and sisters do you have? I have two sisters and a brother. All from the same dad? No, they got their own dad. Oh. Was their dad present in their lives? Their dad is alive, deadbeat to them, but still alive, yes. Wow. Did their dad wear a mask? I don't think we know him. I don't know. Wow. Your mom's a real whore, huh? Says bad taste in people overall, huh? She's alive and she's watching right now. Thank you. Mommy! Mama Cochina. Please subscribe. Mama Cochina. Okay, Tina. Is that your mom's OnlyFans? What do you do for work, Tina? I'm an educator.

19:46I work in education.

19:47Brian Redban:What exactly does that mean? An educator. Are you a teacher? Yes. Okay. You call it an educator? Is that to make it sound smarter or something? No, I don't know. I'm very... Who are you educating, exactly? I work for a beauty school. I teach cosmetology. Oh, wow. A bunch of horses. Boy, oh boy. Every time I ask a question, it gets worse and worse, everybody. I'm an educator. I'm a cosmetology teacher. I killed my own father. I visited him at the hospital, and I put the pillow over his face and suffocated him. That happened. Wow. Well, that explains the confident lipstick choice. I like this. Thank you.

20:25That's all I have going for me. It's great. You have a great mouth. Thank you. I've been told that before.

20:32Brian Redban:Good Lord. I love it. Tina, what's your love life like? I don't have a love life, but I did bring two friends with me. They're out there. They love me. Three way. Hello. She's famous. Shout out, Caitlin, Mr. Wendell. She's definitely going to be popular in school. You're going to be the wig mannequin. Cosmetology is full of women. I don't have a chance. Let me ask you this. The women that want to learn how to do cosmetology, what are they like? It's a tough crowd. Oh, my God. All right. Thank you. They're all strippers. Very good. We're covering strippers is what's being implied. Yes. Okay. So what are they like?

21:11Brian Redban:Tell us about it. My students? My students? Yeah. Oh, my students are bitches. I...yeah. Okay. There you go. Yeah, I'm trying to get out of the industry and start comedy. Yep, yep. Oh, okay. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. You don't seem like you're afraid of a challenge. Thank you. I'm trying. Yeah. No, that's cool. So you're doing stand-up in where? The middle of Texas somewhere? I am doing stand-up at The Annex in Corpus Christi. The Annex? The Annex. Whoa. That's the best room in Corpus. Yeah. It's above a pizza place, right? No, no, no. Below the pizza place. Under, yeah, down the street. There's a bunch of tunnels.

21:58Brian Redban:Yeah, I've been there. Yeah, uh-huh. How often do you perform there? They only let me do it once a month. Now, why is that? Caitlin, you can ask her. The bar owner is here with me. Come on. We don't need to ask the bar owner. No, thank you. I don't need to ask another fucking torta why this chick isn't getting spots. We don't have enough spots to give out. I don't know what you want. No one gives a fuck. Stay in your seat. Tina La Cochina, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life before I get you out of here. Oh, my goodness. A fun fact about me. I can say the 50 states in alphabetical order.

22:35All right. Okay.

22:37Brian Redban:All right. Just when you thought you couldn't love her more. I would ask you to do that, but what's last? What's last? Last? There's nothing fun about me. Fun fact? No, Wyoming. What? Yeah.

22:58Brian Redban:This is brutal. Tina La Cochina, you're the first bucket pool of the night. Congratulations. You were on Kill Tony. Tina La Cochina, ladies and gentlemen. All right, Sam, you don't have to shake everybody's hand all night. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do that. Just let them go. Let them go. There's Heidi. Look at this. Oh, my God. What a beautiful sight on these weary eyes. What a difference a moment makes from Tina LaCocina to Heidi. Heidi is the final boss of cosmetology school, for those of you that don't know. I also, doesn't Tina La Cucina mean Tina the food? I think so. Tina the kitchen.

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24:40Brian Redban:All right. We're going to keep moving on. This is a one-word name. Let's see what happens. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Fern, everybody. Here comes Fern.

24:56Do female crips menstruate?

25:08I just know they don't fuck a blood like that.

25:19My girlfriend has the daddy dom little girl kink. If you don't know what that is, that's where she pretends she's a little girl. I'm not into it, but I just want to be a supportive boyfriend. But I don't got kids. I don't know what to do. so I just do what my dad did. I get drunk and beat the shit out of her.

25:53We all jerk off in front of our pets.

26:03Hey! No!

26:09Have you ever came on a...

26:11Brian Redban:All right. Was that it? Uh... Have you ever came on a cat? No! If you think about it, it's just a self-cleaning cum rag. All right. All right. Oh! Okay. A lot of cat lovers out there tonight. Goddamn. Now, you don't do a pussy pun right there? A pussy pun? Yeah, you think you do something about pussy right there. Oh, I'm trying. I got a lot of cat material, dog.

26:43I liked it. I thought the jokes were solid. I liked the quiet confidence, letting it linger. It was nice to see some jokes here tonight. Hell yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Sam.

26:52Brian Redban:I love your book, by the way. Thank you. Good read. Thank you. A lot of white splotches on those pants. That's a lot of dirt. It looks like the cat's returning the favor, huh? Goddamn right. I got some cat hair on me, I bet. His pants are doing whiteface for MLK.

27:11Brian Redban:That looks like all my neighbors in Florida. It is a Florida look. Where are you from, Fern? Paris, Texas. Okay. Ooh la la. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years, actually, yeah. Okay, and you've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. This is my third time. Hell yeah. How's it been going for you? Good? It's going great. Just on the grind mindset, you know, working 58 hours, doing comedy five nights a week, and cuddling with my cats, Red Man knows. Hell yeah. Cats comedy work, baby. Cat lover, as you can tell by his huge hands climbing. Cat hair falling off of him. Why are you so dirty, though?

27:47I'm an iron worker. I built buildings. Oh. Yes, sir. Can you put some light on 9-11? Yes, actually. It's my favorite conspiracy. Jeff Fueled... I'm kidding, of course. God damn it. Yeah, no. We're on YouTube. We know who did it. Quiet, quiet, quiet.

28:08Brian Redban:Spiracy.

28:13Brian Redban:Burton, tell us something crazy we don't know about you. From zero to 17, I could not pronounce the letter R. Ooh. Yeah, so it was all fine. Must have been hard to describe yourself. Yeah. How would you pronounce it? Foo-en. What? Foo-en. No R. Foo-en. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We used to know a guy like that. I know what you're talking about. Yeah. So how did you learn how to pronounce R? What? Speech therapy. I knew I was going to go to the Air Force. I'm a vet. Fuck yeah. One vet. And I knew I couldn't say, Su-a, yes Su-a, and get away with it. so I went to speech therapy fixed that shit right quick how long did it take you?

28:58pretty quick actually yeah if I could teach you all you gotta do is pick your tongue up to the roof of your mouth I had the same thing dude I also could not say my R's as a little fat boy and my favorite X-Men was Wolverine so my mom would have me come in during dinner parties and be like Sam what's your favorite X-Men and I'd be like Wolverine mommy He was a little fat boy looking like John Popper. It was brutal. I was 82 pounds in kindergarten. Really? I was a fatso. What did you do to lose the weight? I didn't. Oh. You grew into it. Yeah, I grew into it. You put your group on. No, I'm serious.

29:38I was 82 pounds in kindergarten. I was a fatso, dude. I know. Wow. I can relate. Thank you. We should hug. I was really skinny my whole life.

29:49Brian Redban:Wow. Wow, look at that. Really hot, really hot, grew up, you know. I was just about to ask you. Anyway. Fern, what's your love life like? Oh, fucking crazy question. So, I had a chick kind of fuck me up pretty bad. She bought me a plane ticket to Canada. Oh, yeah. And then eight days before, she informed me that I was actually the side piece. Yeah, I'm glad they laughed. That's awesome. Yeah, what's wrong with that? What's the problem? Uh, she was telling me I was not the side piece the whole time. I love you, blah, blah, blah, all this, that, and the third. I would have been fine just being the side piece.

30:28Just don't fucking manipulate me. It's a whole fucked up thing, yeah.

30:31Brian Redban:So what, you didn't end up going to Canada? I did not, no. But you talked to her, like, a lot or something? You, like, had feelings for her before meeting her? Yeah, she flew down four times, and we just basically had sex all day, every day. It was great. Yeah. Yeah, three times a day. Just fucking getting it. I earned that plane ticket, goddammit. Don't buy a dog. Okay. So you didn't think just to keep that on the side and be the side piece for you, and then, you know, try to find another girl? I mean, it just genuinely fucked me up. I didn't eat for five days, then I got on Talkspace, promo code SPACE80.

31:09Brian Redban:That's right. You know what I mean? Helped me out of it. And now, like, I'm kind of talking to women right now, but I'm just comedy work cats, dog. But you're a catch, man. You're a handsome young man. Thank you. You have a swagger, dude. You're covered in Robin Williams-esque hair. You're a steel worker, you know? Sir. You're funny. Go get some of that sweet tail the kids are talking about. Yes, sir, I will. Mike's been plowing through it. He's a handsome guy, too. He leaves the hat on.

31:43Brian Redban:Wow. I like that hat. See, she really damaged you, this Canadian catfish. Yeah, she was hot. How long ago was this? Uh, seven, eight months ago. Have you been on dates since then? Yeah, two catfishes, uh... What? It's an internet term for being lied to about who's coming. They know. I'm pretty sure it's one of the big girls from Corpus Christi over there. It's one loud table of tortas over there. If we could quiet them down. They're still chiming in. This is the big city to them, Corpus Christi people. So they're having a real hootenanny tonight. I'm sure they had margaritas at the Iron Cactus before this and are lit right now.

32:28Brian Redban:What? Asking their own questions. So give us an example of one of these recent catfishes. You're on like an online dating site and what happens exactly? Oh, yeah. Because all I think about is, like, she's like, did you hear me? He was talking to me. Me on Kill Tony. You're an asshole. Why are you talking to her? Sorry. No, you're right. You're good. Back. Yeah. Sorry. We love it. Do you want to have sex with any of these ladies over there? Oh, I... I wasn't talking to you. Jesus. I'm gonna have to drum off for some pussy. So it was just a girl with a filter, and she ended up being big? Always 80 pounds plus.

33:17So how old are these fucking pictures?

33:19Brian Redban:Are you going to their house? Are you meeting them for coffee? Where are you realizing that you got catfished? Yeah, bar. I've actually started a thing now to where I wait in my car and be like, fuck. You're just watching them enter like a fucking Italian mobster ready to do a hit. They never leave the cannoli. One time I showed up relatively early. I told the bouncer, I was like, hey man, if you see this chick, you know, like thumbs up, thumbs down with the ID. And he's like, I got you. She was already inside. I was like, shit, all right. So I walk inside, she's holding food. I'm like, God damn it.

34:00Oh my God. Like the problem continues. So...

34:07I'm debating, do I just leave? What the fuck do I do? So I go to the bathroom, call my homie. I'm like, what would you do? And he's like, I don't have the balls to leave, but if you do, that's wild. And I was like, bet. So I, like, walk out the other way, trying to hit the door, and, like, as soon as I get here, she's like, hey! And I'm like, fuck!

34:27Brian Redban:Oh, man. So I'm sitting down, chit-chatting with her, trying to be polite. and then a spam call calls me and I'm like, oh, hey, mom, got to go. And I fucking bail. Wow. You used a phone call from your mom to get out. I was looking for anything. When you said it was a spam call, did she say, oh.

34:48Because spam is a greasy food. Samtalent.com. You're like a son-in-law. No, seriously, though, dude, I worry for my... You are a father's nightmare. Thank you, sir. Dad, I'm getting married. All right. This is my fucking nightmare. This dude right here. She's in Canada here. I'm back. I'm waiting outside the pub. You gotta love him, Dad.

35:25There was this one time I went on a date. Oh, I love this.

35:30Brian Redban:Fern's Catfish Adventures. No, there's so fucking many. Wait, wait, wait. Before you tell the story, her last name wasn't Brewer, was it? No. Okay, all right. I would have kept that one. I show up. She's like the dimensions of a toilet paper roll. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's bad. She's celebrating her birthday with her friends downtown, invited me out. I was like, fuck it. One of her friends goes, you were on Kill Tony. And I go, yes, I was. And she gets up and sits next to me, and then the catfish had to watch me date her friend. For how long? Just the night? Yes, yes, she watched all night. And then we started hooking up a little bit.

36:12That was fun. And then that was the relationship before the Canadian.

36:17Brian Redban:Look at that. Kill Tony. Changing people's lives. Amazing. Thank you, thank you. You already have a big joke book? Yes, sir. Well, there you go. There he goes. Fern, everybody. Thank you, John. Fern! Fern. One name Fern. There goes Fern, everyone. Thank you, Fern. Sam, you don't have to do that. All right. Okay. Your next bucket poll. We know this guy. We've known him for a long time. Make some noise for the great Hank Garza, everybody, with a new minute. It's Hank. Big Hank.

36:51Guys, believe it or not, I was actually born prematurely. my dad came quick it's crazy the other day I was out in public with my dog and it took a shit and I didn't have a bag and I did that move you know and I was like man is this what white guilt feels like having to make excuses for animals

37:17alright you're gonna love this next one I've been really working on this impression Here, I'm gonna hit you with it. Oh, yeah, boss. They look like a skinny Mexican. And they talk like a... Yo,

37:37that's the Japanese seeing the Navajo Code Talkers for the first time. Little history for your ass. Before I was a dad, I was a drug addict, and I thought I was gonna be a terrible father. So I found out that being a drug addict and being a dad, Zach's ain't fucking life. I'll end it at that, because it goes pretty deep.

37:58Brian Redban:That's been my time. Thank you so much. Okay, Hank. What are the things that it has in common? What's dad and... Well, for one dog, you're always broke. Crazy. But I'm not spending money on eight balls in hotel rooms. Now it's like diapers and strawberries. It's crazy. See, I used to have to test all my shit for fentanyl, because that's how crazy it got. And when I would see that line, I was like, damn. I gotta sell this to somebody else. There you go. Yeah. I like that. Hank.

38:33Now it's my kid's diapers, bro. It's like, it has a blue line, and it's either piss or shit. You don't know which one it is. And I'm like, fuck. I wish it was fentanyl, huh? Hell yeah. What's up, Tony? Hi, buddy. I love it. You should have done that minute instead.

38:50Brian Redban:that was a good one no i should have my bad my bad yeah that's all right rock solid rock solid thank you sir your best performance i think ever thank you since you started stand up we were all there when you started a few years ago how's it been going it's been going great it's been going great just chasing this uh i'm a loser so i can't do anything else so i like i cannot fail at this so i'm just showing up and even if i i'm just showing up dog and just learning from you guys and just trying to get better. That's it, dude. I love it. I love it. You seem happy. Kids are good. Kids are great. Yeah.

39:22Yeah, kids are great. Their dad's present now. I'm not all fucked in the head.

39:27Brian Redban:And like, just, yeah, man, it's crazy. I love it. How did you, what do you, what helped you quit drugs? I got addicted to stand-up. Okay. Like, straight up, I got addicted to chasing that high of just watching these fucking strangers just look at me. What drugs were you doing? Bro, at the end, it was everything. At the end, it was a lot of opiates. Okay. Yeah, but if I had to... I love Coke. All right. Wow. I love cocaine. Wow. Yeah, both those things are a lot more fun than stand-up. I know, I know, but it's terrible on your health. Well, I mean, so is stand-up. Look at me. I guess so. I'm 23.

40:05I know. I lost 100 pounds. No one believes me. Yeah. I've lost weight, too, And I hate when people always try to find a cop out for whenever you lose weight. They're like, Hank, was it your thyroid? The fucking thighs rub. They didn't roid. I feel like Byron Allen. Crazy. Now, what other things about weight loss are funny?

40:26Brian Redban:All right, Sam. Stick it over here. Okay. Keep it around here. Yes, sir. You married, too? Yes, sir. 13 years. Solid wife. So your chick was there when you were nuts. Nuts. Crazy. Wow. Yeah. Stuck through it all. All right. That's a down ass. She straightened you up, didn't she? Hell yeah, she ain't no Tina Cochina. No.

40:54Brian Redban:Big Hank with the callback cranked it deep, deep left center and it's a home run. Hell yeah. Got it. Hank, what else is going on in life? Anything else? Yeah, man, huge shout out to the Riot Riverwalk. They made me a door guy there. They took a chance on me. So if you're ever in San Antonio, the Riot Riverwalk come down. We have solid comedians out of San Antonio. Trust me. Beautiful. But they took a chance on me, and I can't thank them enough. I love it. Well, great performance. Here's a big joke book. Bing bong. The great Hank Garza, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along here. The sun's shining, birds are singing, and all feels right in the world.

41:43Until the season changes and suddenly you lose your motivation to get out of bed. In fact, one in five people experience some form of depression no matter the season or time of year. At the American Psychiatric Association Foundation, our vision is to build a mentally healthy nation for all because we want you to live your best life and be your best you all year round. Please visit MentallyHealthyNation.org to learn more.

42:08Brian Redban:On to the next one we go. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. It's Dave Litz. Dave Litz, everybody. Here he is. Hey, everybody. Waka, waka, waka. Nanu, nanu. My mother-in-law survived stage 4 pancreatic cancer by having her pancreas cut out. That's right. Yeah, my mother-in-law was born in Sendai, Japan, and in Japan, they don't have the same diseases that we do. They don't have the same health problems. They don't have pancreatic cancer. So they gave her two choices. They were like, you can either live, and we cut out your pancreas, or you keep your pancreas in, and you die.

42:55So she was like, I want to live. So they cut out her pancreas. So she now has a permanent insulin pump and type 3 diabetes, which I like to call triabetes. But so in one woman, my mother-in-law, the Japanese cured pancreatic cancer. They invented a cyborg and they perfected triabetes. So you know why his Japanese can't keep a secret? Because they're always spilling their guts. Did you see that?

43:33Brian Redban:All right, Dave Liff. Okay, welcome to Dying Parent Night here on Kill Tony. This is very, very, everyone's very dark tonight. Everyone's, every parent is getting, D Madness is pissed. Every two seconds, he's starting crack, he's going. Yeah. At the setup, you're rolling your eyes. Yeah, D Madness can tell when someone's bombing. He doesn't need to see it. He can hear it. Dave, welcome. So I really don't get it. Your mom's Japanese or she lived in Japan? I said she was my mother-in-law, Tony. Oh, your mother-in-law. How dare you, Tony? Hard to keep track of. My mom's Tallahassee Lassie. So she's a Seminole.

44:23Right.

44:24Brian Redban:Okay. I didn't know they had gay Nazis. This is incredible. I thought all Nazis were gay. I think not fascism is gay altogether. Hell yeah. Is that a... you have a gem attached to your cheek? A dermal anchor, yeah. A friend of mine invented it. It's called a dermal anchor. A dermal anchor. It's an anchor and you're sinking. Every time. Yeah, my dad was in the Navy, so I'm used to it. Hell yeah. What do you do for work, Dave Litz? I just got a job at P. Terry's. I literally have one of the greatest jobs on the planet. So, P. Terry's is 100 % here in Austin, and it's 100 % beef. It's one of the greatest jobs I've ever had.

45:09Make sure you get that in when you get out there. Forget if the jokes don't work. Get that in there. I started talking to my manager. I would like to do a Monday where we actually feed all the comics. There's like 300 comics. Most of them are homeless people. They would love to have some hamburgers. I think it would be a real good night.

45:28Brian Redban:So you just work a normal P. Terry's? You're not the manager or anything? Nah, man. My wife's the number one recording artist from the Gold Coast of Australia. Okay. My wife's name's Mia Muse. What'd she play? Didgeridoo? Every day. Yeah, with her hoo-ha. Is that funny? Mia Muse. M-I-A-M-U-Z-E. Go to the foreign name folder, Redman. M-U-Z-E. Yeah, they say Zed in Australia. It's really fun down there. I actually got to be locked down in Australia during COVID. And then when they finally let me leave, they kicked me out for three years. It was great. What do you mean they kicked you out for three years?

46:09Because I overstayed my visa. Because I was there on a vacation visa. Because they shut down the airport. When I was leaving the country legally to come home, they said I could not return for three years because I overstayed my visa during COVID.

46:24Brian Redban:Wow, you made people fight each other in the back of the room. People are so bored. This is awesome, man. People, I don't make anyone fight here. They just do that. That happens when you step in homeless. So Mia Muse is the breadwinner, and you are the hamburger winner. 100%. And what does she think about you working at a fast food joint? She's in Australia right now. She doesn't have to worry about what I do. Okay. She's in Brisbane right now. She's performing. I mean, she does a lot of radio gigs, stuff like that. Does she have part sad too? I don't know. No, I'm here. I moved here. I live on Ben White and Bannister.

47:03Brian Redban:Wow. Direct cross streets, ladies and gentlemen. If anybody's looking to hire Dave Litz, just take a megaphone to... I walk downtown every day and do open mics every day, sometimes five to seven a day. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost 30 years. 30 years? Is that what you just said? Hold on. Stop. Stop the piano. Stop. Stop. Dave, over here. Do not talk to them. Dave, over here. Dave. Dave, Dave, Dave. Shut the fuck up and look at me. 30 years, Tony. I did it in high school. I actually got suspended from school for doing a joke. Okay. Stick with me, Dave. Over here. I need you to focus.

47:42Brian Redban:So, have you been performing at that rate that hard for that long? You've been working hard at this for over 30 years? I got here from St. Louis where I was performing at the Funny Bone. I just got in with the improv group. What were you doing at the Funny Bone? Featuring for somebody? I was trying, yes. What do you mean trying? You have to show up and do open mics. So you did open mics at the Funny Bone. Yeah, at the Funny Bone. What's the biggest gig that you've done in the 30 plus years? Cruise lines. Cruise lines. Not really big. How long were the sets that you were doing on cruise lines? Oh, an hour long.

48:19Brian Redban:I bet people were taping anchors to themselves on those cruise lines. Jumping off. They have comedians on cruise lines. You're my favorite person on the planet. I can't believe I'm this close. You're the best. You guys have been doing stand-up of the same length of time. You probably did open mics with them 40 years ago. I've never done one with you, though, Tony. Okay. You be careful. I might bite that gem right off your cheek. Keep flirting with me. You're not that close. You're not Joe Rogan, bro. I don't know what that means. Anyway, so... You don't have ninja skills. Joe Rogan has, like...

49:08Brian Redban:Okay. All right, Dave. You're retarded. Stick with me here. How long have you been... Dave, stop just yapping. Listen, focus on... Be present, Dave. You're rambling over there. How long have you been married to this lady? 12 years. And you got married in Australia. Where'd you meet her? Colorado Springs. At a show? Were you at one of her shows? I was shooting laser beams on top of a nightclub, and she was performing. Oh, she's not real. Yes, she's really a famous musician. Is she also a student of beekeeping and medication? She does. She actually has, she studied beekeeping at a Buddhist temple.

49:51And she has her own beehive. She actually... What, find her Tinder?

49:57Brian Redban:Well, I'm not gonna be keeping you here any longer. How about that? Here's a... Here's a... Here's a little joke book. There you go, buddy. Bing bong. There it is.

50:29Brian Redban:Oh, my God. What a freak, man. Unbelievable. What the hell? I don't know where that was going. I don't know what that was. I'm like, what's the biggest gig you've done in your 30-plus long-year career? He's like, I did the Funny Bone recently. I'm like, what'd you do? He's like an open mic. Yeah. You could do that that night. You could start that day and do an open mic at a Funny Bone that night. Nothing prevents you. Big gig. Three decades plus of attempting stand-up comedy, the biggest thing he's done is something that fucking Tina Kuchina could do. It's unbelievable. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket.

51:07Brian Redban:Let's see what happens here. Who knows? This guy could be doing it for the last 90 years. Yeah, he's a vampire. Make some noise for Trevor Lewis, everybody. Here we go.

51:25In my experience, black people, listen, are less uptight about race than white people are. You feel how tense the white people are? I used to drive DoorDash in a ski town and let's be honest not a lot of black people ski so I was driving DoorDash this is a true story and I pulled into a busy parking lot at the base of the ski village to drop off an order and I called up my guy I said uh hey I got your food I'm pulling up I'm in a silver Nissan Rogue and he said all right I'm black

52:13I found him.

52:17I was surprised he said that. But he was being helpful. Actually, he was more helpful than I was because there were more silver Nissan rogues than black people in that parking lot.

52:33Brian Redban:Wow. You must have been doing stand-up 500 years. This is incredible. Written material, smart, topical, well-executed, edgy but not sad as fuck. Not a single dying family member or cancer reference or depression or pandemic or white guilt. None of these things. You don't have a dipshit haircut? Yeah. No gems hanging off of your face? Yeah! Your bones aren't pierced. Yeah. What the hell? Shocking. What a relief. Welcome, Trevor. Thank you. How long you been doing stand-up? One year. What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Let's clone him and make 30 of him and kill Dave Litz. I think Dave's going to do it himself.

53:30I don't know. He's been doing it 30 years until tonight.

53:39Yeah, good work, Corky, man. That was good. Thank you. How old are you?

53:43Brian Redban:I'm 26. All right. Amazing, Trevor. Wow. You've been doing it one year. What made you want to start stand-up a year ago? Okay. Well, honestly, I moved here. After college, I wanted to be an independent filmmaker. And I was grinding away writing screenplays. faced writer's block, but I was going to shows around here, shows at the mothership, and I was like, I can get up there. I can do that. Hell yeah. Amazing. And you've been working hard at it? Oh yeah, really hard. You love it? I love stand-up. You're addicted to it now, and filmmaking is kind of... Oh, it's gone. Right. Incredible. How are you making money to survive in the meantime?

54:21Brian Redban:I wait tables. Nice. Absolutely. Doing what you gotta do. Yes, sir. Is the great... Not Otis Redding. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Shen Yun? What is that? Was it Shen Yun? No. Nina Simone? Do what you gotta do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Yeah, I know that one. All right. Nina Simone? You don't know that. Who gives a fuck? It doesn't matter. Jesus Christ. Okay. Did you really do DoorDash in a ski town? I did. Okay. What ski town was that? Vail, Colorado. Did you go to school there? What were you doing there? During COVID, I took a gap year there. Ski bum. Nice. Hell yeah. All right. Trevor, what's your love life like?

55:05To be determined right now.

55:07Brian Redban:Okay. Never had sex? I have had sex. Yeah. That was a good question. I didn't want to ask it. I didn't want to be disrespectful. No? Could be my son. You could be. You've been on the road a long time. Long time, bro. Long time. You have a regular girl that you hang out with? I met a girl at my restaurant. She came in to eat. Oh, yeah. We hung out a couple times. You were shooting lasers at her or something like that?

55:39Keep going. Yeah, she came in to eat with her parents. Uh-huh. And she had just moved here. Uh-huh. Bought a house. Ooh. Was asking me all these questions about Austin, and I became, like, the guy who answers the questions.

55:52Brian Redban:Look at you. Yeah. And then what happened? And then we exchanged contact information, and I was like, I think you're cute. Do you want to go out? Then we went to a show at the Creek in the Cave. And then hung out a couple times since. She's been in Thailand for three weeks. Ah. Getting the surgery. Ooh. Hell yeah.

56:19It's a special girl. That's good. She really likes me. Yeah, and you met her parents already. That's cool. Incredible. You're never going to see her again. It's possible. You don't need her now. You were funny here for a minute.

56:36Brian Redban:You're great. You have any hobbies? Any things that you're into? Like Pokemon or something? Minecraft? I like to read. Oh, yeah? Of course he does. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I'm reading a book by Frederick Jameson right now on postmodernism. It's pretty cool. Wow. Yeah, there it is. No. This is who I want, marrying a daughter. Yeah. This is the dream. Yeah. He's always happy. Yeah, this is what I'm doing. I'm going to do it and everything's great. I'm going to do it. How long can I do it? One year. One year. And he knows he's crushing. I love this guy. Yeah. Set her up. Set her up. Yeah. If I had a daughter, I'd also want her to marry a gay virgin.

57:26Yeah. That would be optimal, sir, yes.

57:33Yeah, if he walked through the door just like that, like, oh, my God, thank you, Kyle. You don't even have a penis. Welcome here. No, you do, right?

57:43Brian Redban:Other than reading, Dave, I mean, Trevor, other than reading, what else are you into? When you let your hair down, when you want to get a little wild, what does a guy like Trevor Lewis do? Yeah, so I've always been an athlete. So, I mean, I grew up playing football. I was really competitive. Wow, where did you grow up exactly? In Virginia, outside of D.C. Wow, incredible. And you're a football player. I was a football player. Was it a town of little people or something? Was it like Munchkinland? No, I just believed in myself a lot. Wow. What position did you play? I was a quarterback. Wow, look at you.

58:20Brian Redban:Absolutely incredible. My God. He set the passing record at Middle Earth High.

58:30Stand up next to me. How tall are you?

58:32Brian Redban:Oh, yeah? Oh. Oh, my God. Oh. Middle up, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. I'm one of the big ones. Look at that. Every great quarterback needs an offensive lineman next door. I got your blind side, buddy. Absolutely. I don't know how comfortable I'd feel, honestly. No one asked. Welcome to show business, kid.

59:05Brian Redban:Incredible. So did you have a lot of black players on the team? There were a lot of black players. And you would throw the ball to them because they're good at running and catching, correct? Yeah. Yeah. Did they, was there a backup quarterback or? I was the backup. Oh. Wow.

59:27Did not see that coming.

59:37What?

59:39Brian Redban:If you had to describe what the starting quarterback looked like, how would you describe him? Caleb Williams. Okay, can you use some more... Like his name was Caleb Williams. It was Caleb Williams? The actual Caleb Williams was the starting quarterback? The quarterback of the Chicago Bears? The quarterback of the Chicago Bears. Was the quarterback ahead of you? No, he was a freshman. Right. But he started over you. He put the team. Oh, wow. Incredible. Boy, oh, boy. One moment he's a super athlete from Virginia, the next you realize fucking nothing. Absolutely nothing. You have the same sports history as Dave Litz and his face gem.

1:00:27Brian Redban:Wow. Are you still friends with Caleb Williams? I was never friends with Caleb Williams. Great guy though, great guy though. Bad rep, but... Bad rep in what way? What, have you seen Twitter? No, tell us about it. We're not looking, we're not searching. We're not searching our high school bullies on Twitter.

1:00:50Brian Redban:Or our crushes. Okay, so... Now you get your revenge. No, no, no. Being totally straightforward, he is such a great guy, man of really high character, but people on Twitter give him a hard time for the painted nails, and I think that's unfair. Wow. Painted nails ain't nothing when your girl's in Thailand for three weeks, buddy. Trevor, very, very, very great set. Very great interview. You're present. You're aware. You're funny. Keep it up Nothing can stop him Trevor Lewis, ladies and gentlemen Hell yeah That's how it's done He wrote He took his time He performed, he executed So good, so good, so good Spring Styles are at Nordstrom Rack stores now And they're up to 60 % off Stock up and save on Rag & Bone Madewell, Vince, All Saints And more of your favorites How did I not know Rack has Adidas?

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1:02:39Brian Redban:And here we go with one of our regulars, ladies and gentlemen. It is that time. You know him. You love him. He's known as the Dark Storm of Atlanta. Make some noise for Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

1:02:59Oh, my God. It's so good to be back home. Oh, my God. I hate flying. I'm scared of it, and that's not an irrational fear, and I'm tired of people bullying. We're not supposed to be up there, all right? We're not supposed to be up there, and if we were supposed to be up there, then why did God invent gravity? All right, God wanted us on this ground, not in the air. If he wanted us in the air, he would have made us angels, but we're not supposed to be up there. We're defying God, all right? We are defying God being up there. And I'm not religious, but when that plane start turbo-lizing, nigga, I believe in God.

1:03:38When the plane got tuberculosis, nigga, you the, oh. Our Father who out in heaven, how low be thy name? You know, I can't, I can't. I took my first private jet, right? And I didn't pay for it, Tony did, it was Tony's plan. I was going to open up for Tony, and I can tell y 'all this, fuck little planes, all right? Fuck little planes, we not supposed to see the captain. All right, that's what I, we not supposed to see the captain the whole time? I'm supposed to be in 30F, nigga, I'm not supposed to.

1:04:17There's supposed to be room in between, because I'm not supposed to hear what they hear or see what they see. Lie to me over the intercom, all right? I turned around, and I looked, and I saw the map that they saw with the plane going, and the map was red, and we can agree that red mean bad.

1:04:37Red mean bad, and I know red mean bad, because the pilot came, and he leaned over to us. He was like, hey, guys, we're going to get into some turbulent weather. It's going to be really increment. which if people say that, we gonna die. You know what I'm saying? When you start using big words, somebody about to die. And he was like, make sure you guys are buckled up as if I ever took off my seatbelt. And he was like, y 'all, we gonna be fine. But the whole time he was talking, I didn't say nothing because I was scared and I was crying. But I really wanted to say, nigga, get back up there. Why are you back here?

1:05:12This plane take two people. I turn around the pilot doing this with both steering wheel. Thank y 'all so much for that today.

1:05:20Brian Redban:Wow. Wow. That's the difference between Bucket Pools, Golden Ticket Winners, and Kill Tony regulars. That was great. Absolutely incredible. You keep that pace the whole time when you do like an hour? Are you just banging like that? Absolutely. Damn, dude, that's great. That's really funny. You look like both members of Run the Jewels combined. Yeah. Just that flash shit. Dead jerk. I don't know what that means, but I love you. I love you, man. That was great, dude. I wasn't sure where he was going. I was a little worried for a second, and all of a sudden, you're like, I was on the ride with you, bro.

1:06:07I'm with you. I was the horse.

1:06:11Brian Redban:Not supposed to see the captain. Captain, just absolutely hilarious. It is strange. You don't really get used to it. No, that's not what you told me when I was crying. This nigga Tony is a liar. This nigga Tony is a liar. He gonna look me dead in my face as I'm panicking. And he was like, Dedrick, this happens every flight. There is always turbulence. You'll get used to it. It's a jet, right? Like, he's telling me that, but Ari Matty is sitting behind that nigga, eyes like this, gripping his... He with him all the time. It don't happen every time. He's scared, too. It's not that good for me. And Ari's seen some shit.

1:06:55Yeah, yeah. And he was gonna... Because the sign of mine was on the plane. Oh, no. Right?

1:07:06And then he gonna tell me, he's like, you're panicking for no reason. I said, no, nigga, you're not panicking enough because if this plane go down, we're blaming you. All right, we're blaming. The people be like, I'm son of mine.

1:07:20I hate planes.

1:07:24Brian Redban:It's a little tricky. It's a little tricky. You can feel the turbulence on a smaller plane a little bit better than a big one. Better. But it's all... turbulence isn't bad, though. But you're not supposed to feel it like that, like in a little plane. On a big plane, yeah, but you're safe as fuck. Oh, it's so scary. I don't trust you, Red Band. I could have been on the jet with you. Great input by Red Band, repeating everything we just said. Amazing stuff. Y 'all say that just because y 'all landed safely, but y 'all know at that time, because I looked at you, look at me, look at everybody else.

1:08:00We thought we was going to die because we weren't even going nowhere real. We was going to Lincoln, California. Nigga, I've never heard. Yeah. of Lincoln, California, a day in my life. But there's a sense of peace when you think that you're gonna die. No. Oh. You been popping. I just got started. Nigga, I'm not supposed to die right now.

1:08:19Brian Redban:Yeah. You been... Anyway, a nigga with money gonna tell me how I'm supposed to feel right now.

1:08:28Well, dude, I was on a private plane with Tim Dillon one time in Europe, and we thought we were gonna die, and I just kept thinking about the headline the next day, Tim Dillon and fat prostitute dead in Planned Parenthood. Like, my name wouldn't make the headline in that instance. It would have been Tony Hinchcliffe and, you know, Three Door Guys Dead. That's what they would have done to your memory. They couldn't even mourn me, man. Yeah. Because Red Band, one time when I was talking to you, did somebody die on the flight back from you?

1:08:56Brian Redban:Yeah, yeah. I had to fly next to a dead person next to me for six hours. It was fucking horrible. Yeah, thanks for bringing it. He was on a flight back from London, and a guy next to him died. No. Dude. Yeah, and they tried to, like, do the CPR for, like, 30 minutes, and then they had to track his body. I've been sitting next to this guy every Monday for 13 years. That guy couldn't handle 10 fucking hours. Yeah.

1:09:25Brian Redban:Guys, have any idea how fucking hard this job is? Other people are literally just... Instead of watching an in-flight movie, they're like, I'm fucking. Yeah. It's the first suicide in the history of first class. Yeah. 3C. This fucking guy. I'm so glad to be out of my house tonight. You don't know I'm in front of having. Dedrick, what else is going on? You just made your Netflix debut. Yes, I did! We have the... Still in the top ten on Netflix right now. I think we're top two, if I'm correct. Top two. Something. It doesn't matter. It flip-flops. These women at home, they're all watching a bunch of bitch shit ahead of us.

1:10:14Brian Redban:It's a bunch of woman shows. These moms are all at home with nothing to do. These fucking... Anyway. Y 'all, that was crazy. 15 ,000 people was insane. I didn't even know that I had that many fans in Austin, but when they called my name, y 'all gave me a standing ovation, and that's why this is my new hometown. I'm renouncing Atlanta, Georgia. Yeah. The dark storm of Austin, Texas. Let's go. Dedrick, you did it again. You are unbelievable. There he goes. The future has arrived. Dedrick, motherfucking Flynn. And back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. You know what it is. The lovely Heidi, everybody.

1:11:04Brian Redban:All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Mike Holder, everybody. Mike Holder. Here we go. Thank you, thank you very much. I've got an embarrassing confession to make. I've recently learned that spilling the beans does not mean fumbling a hot Latina. I don't understand these phrases. I'm from Sudan. I'm not American. I just moved here five years ago, and as you can imagine, I've been misgendering people left and right. It was so fucked up. Until I learned I'll never have to worry about misgendering if I just call everybody my nigger. Makes it a whole lot easier for me. Also learned that in America we don't trust the government.

1:11:47I mean, what kind of government shuts down? And then the Air Force said the freezing Area 51 program, or as I like to call it, putting the aliens on ice. It has to be the only country in the world where kids have imaginary friends. But how come it's always one imaginary friend? To me, that shows that even in their imaginations, they're still fucking losers. Fucked up.

1:12:16Brian Redban:Thank you very much. Wow. Mike Holder with a great set. Thank you. Amazing. You've been on this show once before? Once before. Heck yeah. I remember you. I remember you because you blend in with the back wall behind you one of the rare comedians that blend in with the black brick of the mothership. Welcome back Mike. I mean night and night difference between this last set that you had tonight and the other one right? Yeah I was very nervous. You fucking crushed right now. Thank you very much. Amazing set. Thank you. How's life been going for you? Remind us how long you been on stand up? Coming up on four years.

1:12:56Brian Redban:Four years. All of it here in America? Yeah, three years in Arizona. Three years in Arizona, and you've been here for one year. Yes. And what do you do for work? What exactly? I used to work in sales. Now I'm just trading stocks. Trading stocks? Look at you. What are the hot stocks right now? Give us some tips. Oh. Beyond Meat. What? Beyond Meat? Beyond Meat. But they were down. That's the... What? Skeptical, but I'm just, yeah. What do you mean? Tell us what you mean. Beyond Meat is taking off. Yeah, no, I'm not going to give anybody financial advice. I'm sorry about that, but I can't. Why? I can't.

1:13:29Do you have any insider training you can give us? No. Or just some money? I'd take some money. That'd be cool. No. I'm not there yet. I'm just starting. Okay. Okay. So, where are you from? Sudan. Sudan. Yes. Wow.

1:13:47That's as much as I knew as well, Jim. Yeah. You got a lot of questions, huh? Yeah. I don't know. It's just you don't see a lot of people from Sudan every day. When's the last time you said, hey, where you from? Sudan. Whenever I'm in Minneapolis.

1:14:04No, that's Somalia. You know, I'm trying. Not too far off. Not too far off.

1:14:10Brian Redban:Sudanese, look at these, right? Tomato, tomato. I love it. What are the Sudanese known for? Generosity. Really? Wow. In what way? Can you give us an example of Sudanese... Hospitality and generosity, they were taking almost anybody. They were taking anybody, unlike America. Is that true, or are you... No, no, no, I'm being honest. Really? I'm being honest, ask anybody. Okay, what else are they known for? Generosity isn't exactly what I was expecting there. Give me another Sudanese stereotype. Stereotype? You're from there. Remember, this is your country. Yeah. Okay, gossip. Gossip? Yeah. Yeah, about the king.

1:14:54Terrible, terrible. A gossip and backbiting that we're known for. Backbiting?

1:14:59Brian Redban:What's that mean? It means no worries. Redband. Redband. Redband has been on me since last time. Yes, he doesn't have much in his repertoire. But it works every goddamn time. I love how he crowbarred it in. He set himself up. Yeah.

1:15:23Do you have family back home? No, they all left. Great stuff. It's a war-torn country. It's messed up. Everyone leaves as soon as they can.

1:15:31Brian Redban:How did you avoid war there? I got a free green card. How did you get a free green card? Diversity visa lottery. Thank you very much. Wow. Thank you very much. Wow. What year was that? Early 2020. I came in one day before Trump issued a travel ban. Thank God I'm here. Right. One day. Yeah. Well, that's one way of putting it. And another way of putting it is you got that green card during the Trump administration. Yes. There you go. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome, Mr. President. You're welcome. This guy. Thank you. Mentions the travel ban. Doesn't mention that he gets to go to the greatest country on planet Earth.

1:16:08Very thankful.

1:16:08Brian Redban:Very thankful. It's a great chance. Absolutely. Becoming a citizen soon, hopefully. Let's give some credit where it's due. I thought you guys were known for your generosity. My goodness gracious. So what's the biggest culture shock for you coming to America? What surprised you about America? Dating. Dating. Pretty weird. Tell us about it. Yeah, because this country is huge, very diverse. Like, just last week, I went out with this real skinny chick. I wasn't sure whether or not she was bulimic, so I took her to In-N-Out. I had to let her make the decision. Turned out she's normal, she's not bulimic, but she's so fucking stupid.

1:16:46Brian Redban:I'm sorry, how to say that? Oh, tell us how you know she's stupid. Yeah, how do you know? She's a history major, and she asked me if BC means before COVID. Oh, my God. She asked me if bipolar disorder means stripping at two different clubs. It's fucked up. It's fucked up. Too stupid for me. Incredible. That would kill in Sudan.

1:17:07No, we don't have bulimia in Sudan, no. They don't call it bulimia. They just call it being alive. It's very hard, difficult, war-torn.

1:17:18Brian Redban:What's your favorite type of woman? All the diverse choices you have here, whereas in Sudan, I'm pretty sure there was just one thing on the menu there. Yeah, one thing on the menu. Sudanese women are not too bad, you know? You know what's great about them? They don't show bruises. Oh.

1:17:40Brian Redban:Yeah. So now that you're in America, what's your pick? Have you tried any of the Latinas, the whites? What are we going with nowadays? Tall whites. Tall whites. Tall women, white women. South Africans. I don't mind them either, yeah. Yeah, they're tall whites. There's other types of tall whites here in America, Sam. I'm just saying worldwide, you know? Germans. Germans are tall chicks. Nordics. Strong boys.

1:18:17Brian Redban:Have you been with a German woman before? No. No? Wouldn't want to. I think you might enjoy yourself. Why do you say that? I mean, it's different. I'm just saying. Okay. We'll try it. We'll take it work for it. I'll try it. I'm just saying. Have you been with any, like, plus-sized women? No, not for me. I've got a bad back. It's not your thing, huh? I've got a bad back. I can't... So, see, that's a Sudanese stereotype. It is. That's an interesting thing. They do like big women there. Oh, they do like big women there. Okay, so maybe it's not a stereotype. Your family's all gone, but where are they in America?

1:18:53In Europe. All of them in Europe. Okay.

1:18:56Brian Redban:And they're happy. Oh, yeah. Are they proud of you? Very proud. Amazing. My mother is very proud of me. Amazing. Incredible, Mike. I love your story. I love to see you fucking absolutely have a totally great set here tonight. Thank you guys very much. Did you get a big joke book last time? You got a small one? Well, guess what, buddy? This is where the hard work gets you. A big jumper! Alright. We're having fun. Yeah! Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Jay Moody, everybody. Here we go.

1:19:37Guys, I've been micro-dosing a lot. It's like a lot. Probably too much. Just a little bit throughout the day. You know, that's how they say you microdose. I've been microdosing cocaine. Because that's how you do it. If I could afford to macrodose, I would. I can't. They said P. Diddy had a thousand bottles of lube. P. Diddy had a thousand bottles of lube left.

1:20:15You gotta understand, LeBron is tall. That's a lot of baby oil. It just makes me wonder, like, the Oscars and the Grammys, what are these after parties like? Epstein's dead and Petey's in jail. They gotta suck, dude. Those actors are like, I'm not going. The after parties. He's only got like a thousand bottles left. This isn't gonna be that fun. Okay.

1:20:44Brian Redban:Okay, Jay Moody. Welcome, Jay. What's up, brother? How long you been doing stand-up? Like nine years. Okay, where at? Lake Charles, Louisiana, mostly through Louisiana. All right. Hey, there they are. You still live there? Yes, yeah. Nice. So you came here just for this? Yeah, a couple guys have been coming to this. They were like, hey, you got to come. They've been coming a bunch, and this is my first time. So what do you guys do? You, like, get in a car and then make the drive day of and then go back that night no matter what? or are you guys staying in town? We're staying in town. We've got a hotel room.

1:21:15It's pretty much six hours of just dick jokes.

1:21:18Brian Redban:Yeah. Do you take a car or do you take a fan boat? How do you get here?

1:21:26Little Lake Charles stuff. We took a Toyota Tacoma to get here. Oh, wow. Yeah, four guys or three guys and then a ton of backpacks for some reason and then a bunch of fitted hats that none of them wore. I was in the back seat. It sucked. Hey, there you go.

1:21:47Brian Redban:What do you do for work, Jay? I'm an audio engineer. Oh, okay. At a sound company. All right, at a sound company. Very cool. You married? No. Girlfriend? Yes. How long have you been with her? Four years. What does she do? She is a fine dining server. Oh, a fine dining server. In Lake Charles? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not just a server. There's like one of them. Yeah. She works there. It's pretty nice. Is she naggy? No. What's the restaurant, Sizzler? God. It's a very nice Chili's, thank you. We have two for one margaritas. It's a nice establishment. Amazing. Jay, how... Let's say a grip. Don't you like every grip at every production?

1:22:33Like, hey, what's going on?

1:22:34Brian Redban:I'm doing stand-up at night, too. Really? Cool. Yeah. He's saying to me, he did. Sorry. No, he's got to look. He's got to look. This looks like it could be our second backup quarterback of the night. Yeah. Yeah. It's the jogging pants that really do it. Are those for jogging? No. I don't fucking jog, dog. I don't think those are jogging pants, pal. Coming from over there to over here, I was like, oh, I don't know if I'll be able to tell a joke. I'm out of breath. They're not for jogging. No, no. To answer the question. You don't know what the fuck they're for, honestly. Sleeping, perhaps. They look like pajama pants.

1:23:09Brian Redban:They look cozy. I think though that pocket keeps his hard boiled eggs warm. Jay, do you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us? No. I play bass guitar pretty well, but that's about it. Oh, okay. Well, I wouldn't know where we could find one of those. No, don't. Jay, have you ever done anything crazy in your life? You ever like almost die? Oh, yeah, a lot. Yeah, tell us about that. I just, well, I used for like eight years of my life, I just did cocaine every day in Louisiana. And that's enough. I've been on like just doing bumps, like, hey, stop the airboat so we can do a line of cocaine because it's very hard to do them on airboats.

1:23:49Brian Redban:Let's talk about those eight years. So like, can you take us through a routine of like what a day in the life in Lake Charles, Louisiana, doing cocaine? Well, I was also working fine dining. Ah, yeah. If you were my waiter, bro, I would leave, all right? I'm sorry. This is also, it's got to be disappointing, because it was like members-only places, and then I walk up, I'm like, good evening. Was this before or after those guys from True Detective broke up your uncle's sex room?

1:24:23During, for another eight years, well, this is what I do, I just go to work, get cash tips, buy a bunch of cocaine, and then I wake up at home and be like, oh, that wasn't that bad. No idea how I got there or what I did. There'd be like an alligator in my front yard. It was pretty nice. Wow. Louisiana cocaine. That's WD-40 mixed with. What is that like? No, no. In most parts of the country, they call it crystal meth. But there... Yeah. This is a long cocaine.

1:24:55Brian Redban:Okay. Your girlfriend, does she do cocaine? No, no, no. She's a good person. She's a good person. at a fancy restaurant. They don't do blow. No, not at all. Right. Amazing. Jay, before I get you out of here, what's the most interesting thing about you, other than the fact that you did cocaine for eight years in a row? Most interesting? I mean, surviving a meth town in Louisiana is pretty good. And you're still there. You love it there. What keeps you there? I live out in the country. Nobody bothers me. That's pretty much what keeps me there. I figured it was a judge. Yeah.

1:25:31Brian Redban:It's court ordered. I stay there. All right. Okay, Jay. Well, fun times. You did it. You got up. You did it. There you go. Jay Moody, everybody. On to the next one. On to the next one. On to the next one. It's crunch time at work, and you need to bring wings to your workday. Visit RedBull.com slash gettingitdone and answer a couple questions about your work style to get a Spotify customized playlist tuned to your productivity. Plus, score a can of Red Bull on us while you go from to-do to done. And remember, Red Bull gives you wings. Supplies are limited. Terms apply. Visit the website for more information.

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1:26:44Brian Redban:This guy's been on this show before. He has an unforgettable face. Make some noise for Derek Dimple, everybody. Derek Dimple.

1:26:56Comedy Mothership, make some noise if you're having a good time. Let me hear you go, woo! Let me hear you go, aw. Tism, I have it. Could you tell? Something that doesn't totally make sense about me being on the spectrum is my favorite kind of adult videos have lots of eye contact. Thank you. Thank you. Don't you fucking look away. Thank you. Thank you. I'm hard as a rock right now. Thank you. I got four eyes. Look at him. Eyes up here, ladies and gentlemen. I got five eyes. Look at him. I got six, seven eyes. Look at him. So now, from here to here, I just look like a hot lady in one of those Renaissance paintings.

1:27:51Oh, my Lord! Lord, is my visage not pleasing to you? Thank you very much.

1:27:59Brian Redban:Wow. Wow, ladies and gentlemen. So many comedians we've seen have rough sets before, and then they came here tonight and got so much better. Derek pulling the opposite. Absolutely reverting back to a childlike desperation. having the crowd make some noise an hour and a half into a show yeah mothership are you with me hey i like your perm thank you yeah god did that to him oh god and a few electrical sockets i do believe in the hand dryer in the bathroom your glasses are so sally jesse raphael i don't know There you go. Wow. Crush. Crush. Totally. Keep going, Red Band. Keep doing it. Keep saying what comes to your head tonight, Red Band.

1:28:52Brian Redban:You're doing so good. The Sally Jesse Raphael reference was amazing. You fucking idiot. Shut up. God, I wish I was dead on an airplane next to you right now. Jesus fucking Christ. Put the mic down. Focus on the soundboard. Pick your moments. All right. Derek, has anything interesting happened since the last time you were on this show? Oh, my God. I was in Vegas a month and a half ago, and I had sex with three different people on three consecutive days. Wow. I noticed you said people.

1:29:35I'm a mathematician, Tony.

1:29:37Brian Redban:I like to keep the terms as general as possible. Okay, so tell us about this run you went on, Derek. Oh, yeah. Legendary heat. Yeah. Just imagine. Imagine of all the regrets that people wake up with in Vegas. Imagine being a woman that wakes up next to this.

1:29:59Oh, my God, Tony. Look, I know I look like the freeze-meister, but come on. It's the heat-meister. He's the heat-meister. I'm the freeze-meister. No, I'm wrong again.

1:30:11Brian Redban:Okay. How did you get laid in Vegas? Exactly what? Charm. Uh-huh. Take us through it. Can you give us an example of how you pulled this off? Yeah. Well, I got pulled off, but... Yeah, so, well, Tuesday night, there was a lady who was interested in me, and I went back to her hotel room at the Strat, and she was a black lady named Mahogany. Are you serious? Yes, absolutely, yeah. You hooked up with a black woman? Better believe it, baby. My God, right when you... Right when you think it couldn't be any worse for those people. Right when you think life couldn't get any harder as a black woman in today's society.

1:31:00Brian Redban:Next thing you know, this is who they have on top of them nowadays? On top, to the side. Oh, hell no. I must have been fucked up last night. What the fuck? Looking like a motherfucking Back to the Future-ass motherfucker. Great Scott! Oh my God. So tell us about this experience with a black woman. I cannot fucking picture this at all. This is crazy. It's like a deleted scene from The Nutty Professor. The Nutty Professor. All right. All right. Derek. Derek, stick with us here. Answer the question. So you and a black woman. Was this your first time with a black woman? Yes, it was. I bet it fucking was.

1:31:55Brian Redban:Yeah. So what made her, where did you meet her? I was doing a show. You were doing a show and she's like, I think. Was it for refugees? Did she need a place to stay? Oh, Derek, you are so sexy. Okay. Don't do it, boys. Derek, stop trying to be funny. It's not working out for you tonight. Let's stick with honest answers here. So you met her where? At the roulette table? At the? No, no. Oh, it was sort of... Oh, yes. Wait. What was it called? Ola Habibi. Doesn't matter the name of the place. It was like a restaurant. There you go. So it was at a restaurant. And then what happened? Oh, and then I got her number.

1:32:34And then we were texting. And she was like, I'm here.

1:32:40Brian Redban:She invited you back to her hotel room. She definitely did. And what time of the night is this exactly? It's the ballpark of work, Derek. Jesus fucking Christ, dude. 1 a.m. 1 a.m., 2 a.m., okay. And then you go to her place, and what's it like? What's going on? She has the room to herself? No. Okay, she has a roommate. There's two twin beds there. Two queens. Okay, two queens. But enough about them. What kind of the bed? Man, I was... So Latifa and... All right. So there's two queen beds. So there's two black women in the room. Am I correct? No. Okay, there's one black woman and? A Latina. Ooh, a Latina woman.

1:33:27Brian Redban:Spice. There you go. All right. And then what happens? Take us moment by moment here, Derek. The world wants to know how the fuck you had sex with a black woman. With ease. Okay, keep going. Yeah, well, we were talking. We were kind of getting cozy. And I was also like... Let me ask you this. Are you standing? Are you in bed with her? Are you like sitting in the weird desk chair? Well, first I took my shoes off. Ooh. Bold maneuver. Thank you, sort of. Ah, what the fuck that smell be?

1:34:09Brian Redban:Yo, your feet be stankin'. All right.

1:34:17You took your shoes off at the door? Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. I bet they were those weird toe shoes, too, for climbing. No, they were these shoes. Oh, those are your pussy-gating shoes? These are my lucky fucking shoes. Those are prescribed by a doctor.

1:34:35Brian Redban:They definitely aren't. Okay, so you take your shoes off, and then what happens? Well, we start chatting. Uh-huh. Again, where are you? You're just standing there? She's sitting on a bed? 414 of the stratosphere. No, again, again, in the room. Yeah, oh. Are you standing there? Is she sitting? Hotels are so awkward, especially when there's... Yeah, standing, talking at first, and then the shoes come off, and then we sit on the bed. Ah. Yeah. Yeah. And you hear a little beep. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

1:35:15And we're talking, and I ask at one point, is it going to be awkward for your friend? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And she's like, no, bitch, I've been doing cocaine. And I'm like, this is my room. Like, OK, cool. OK. She's like, if she was going to get some, she would have got some. I got you.

1:35:37Brian Redban:OK. Right. So then what happens? Okay, then her friend rolls over and puts the pillow over her. Ah. Game on. Ah. Yeah. The old self-made burrito. A Latina woman rolled up in a blanket, pillow on her head, and then what happens? And then we start fooling around, and great blowjobs, by the way. Ah, interesting. You say blowjobs, plural. Oh, because the next night was also a black woman Whoa, you went black to black He can't go back Yeah I did the night after Wow, incredible You must have had so much confidence and swagger I bet the second lady was very easy to bed I really Let me ask you this, night one, condom, no condom Oh, no condom Wow And where exactly did you finish Derek Dimple?

1:36:38in her mouth.

1:36:40Brian Redban:Wow, in her mouth. Very good. Absolutely incredible. So let's go to night two here. Night two, you're just out there. The fucking, you got the fucking jungle boogie playing in the back of your head. It's a song. That's a song. He's got confidence. Yeah. All right. So night two. What the fuck is going on here? Night two, you're out there. Where do you meet this lady at? I had met her the previous night. Uh-huh. You got her number. Yes. And then you were texting her as well. Yes. And then she invites you where? Where do you end up with her? Oh, well, I hadn't slept too much the night before. I bet.

1:37:26So I'm like, I'm pretty tired, but we can go on a date. Okay. And then so we went out to this spot. We played some pool, and she was, like, doing a lot of... And I'm standing there, and she's... All right. She was showing her ass on purpose. Okay. Oh, that was you emulating being sexy. That... Yes. Crazy. Sorry. You couldn't tell? That's my bad. I didn't study mime, though. Yeah, yeah. I was laying eggs.

1:37:59Brian Redban:She was popping that thang, as we say. So night two, you end up back at her hotel? No, she lived there. She lived in the pool hall. She had a home in Las Vegas. Yeah, down in, yeah. So you went to her actual house, a place where it would make sense to take your shoes off at the door. Exactly. Incredible. Same thing? Blowjob city or? Wow. Did you have sex with her? Yeah. Wow. And that's amazing. Okay, night three. tell us about the innocent white woman that got your... Well, the lady from night two and I were at a bar, and she wanted to get a third involved in the situation. And so...

1:38:49Uh-huh.

1:38:51Brian Redban:And so... Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Yeah, and so we... The sun had already gone up. The bar was 24 hours. And so then we drove over to Light Two's place, and then we had a threesome. Wow. You had a threesome. This is absolutely incredible. This should give every single human hope. No, I think God is dead. This is proof of chaos reigning. You had a threesome with how many, with women, right? Yes. Two women. Yes. Two women. Man. Coming on Netflix. The billionaire's kid. Incredible. You're having threesomes? He's done listening to mom and dad. You don't care about the cat. He's the bad boy in the Borgata.

1:39:45Brian Redban:What was the craziest part of the threesome? Was there a part where you were overwhelmed or amazed? Oh, overwhelmed almost constantly. Tell us a moment in which that took place. Was there something that happened? But the greatest part. Oh, that's what I'm asking about. You could just say it instead of resetting the question. The white chick was riding my face and the black chick was sucking my dick. Wow. Wow. Wow. Derek. It's called the Austin scuba mask right there.

1:40:20Brian Redban:Incredible, Derek. I'm pissed, honestly. Yeah. I've been happily married for 15 years. I could be getting so much cool gash if you're out there slanging. Gash. Derek Dimple. I buy it. All that hot three days of sex, you're leaving here with a little joke book. Congratulations, Derek. There he goes. Thank you. Amazing, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps one of the ugliest human beings on planet Earth, just out there just fucking everything that moves. Absolutely incredible. Vegas is struggling. Just a face. A face of shock. It's like if Jimmy Neutron could molest himself. It's incredible. Sally. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen.

1:41:10Brian Redban:It is Sheik Ahmed, everybody. This looks like a new name to me. Oh my goodness. It's Sheik Ahmed.

1:41:25Okay, here we go. Good evening, virgins and gentlemen. I am Sheikh Ahmed. I teach a one-minute workshop to infidels how to treat your virgin. First, bend your knees. Second, you throw the hijab at the virgin. Cover yourself up. Cover yourself up. Cover yourself up. And third, you dodge for anything the virgin throws back at you. Honk, honk. We have a saying in Mideast, an eye for an eye. And what about the virgins? They said go to Chick-fil-A. The Chick-fil-A. That's where the virgins are. In Mideast, we don't have bring your child to work day because it gets too crowded at 7-Eleven. Anyone needs a ride in my Uber park outside?

1:42:21Thank you very much. I am not here to bomb anyone. Sheikh Ahmed.

1:42:28Brian Redban:Sheikh Ahmed. Okay, Sheikh Ahmed. Sheikh Ahmed. I mean...

1:42:38Brian Redban:I mean, you basically...

1:42:47Brian Redban:Aren't you a funny lady? No! No, I am Sheikh Ahmed. Aren't you the funny, what's her fucking name? What's her name?

1:43:02Brian Redban:What made you want to be a, what made you want to do this?

1:43:08Brian Redban:everything was good you're a funny lady you're the first person to become a man and become less funny

1:43:24chic oh god it's like i died on the drive here like everything's so surreal about this show And then you come out in this insane great outfit, you know, very authentic. Yeah, great penis. But just all the effort put in without the jokes, it's insane. Yeah. The look is great. It was a lot of confidence. Yeah, I like the confidence. Yes, I like a bold swing, man. I love the Harlem Globetrotters, you know, but... Thank you.

1:43:54Brian Redban:The hair on the chest. This is the kicker. Yeah. Yeah. The chest hair. Uh, okay. I'm not exactly sure how to interview Sheik Ahmed. You're a tough interview. I feel like I'm in Guantanamo Bay right now. You have a wet t-shirt's over my face. Yes, very much. A waterboarding joke, ladies and gentlemen. Alright.

1:44:25We have a lot of Middle Eastern viewers now and I want to make sure the jokes translate, so...

1:44:33Brian Redban:What made you want to experiment with this character, Sheik? I am being Sheikh Ahmed or I am being Sherry? Well, I think Sherry should step in here for a second. I think we should talk to Sherry. Very funny. Well, I write jokes about Middle Eastern men and Middle Eastern women and whatnot, so I thought, let me give those lines. It's funny hearing you talk like a woman like this. You should have just done that voice. This is actually much funnier. Right. So you're just experimenting, having fun. Yes, yes. I love that. I love that. Have you done this other places, like open mics and stuff like that?

1:45:10I just did this at Banana Phone last night.

1:45:13Brian Redban:Okay. How'd it go there? Okay. Yeah, fine. But it never goes okay over there. Like nothing ever, the minute is not there for, you know, the laughs. It's just there. Roast you. Right. Yeah, exactly. It's a Kill Tony ripoff show. Did you change between gigs? Well, I took these off, went to sleep, took a shower, and then put these back on. You look great. You're looking... thank you. Very convincing, and I'm less than a foot away. It's like being in Dearborn. Oh. And you're really Iranian? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And this is your take on Saudi Arabian man? Yeah. Okay.

1:46:02Brian Redban:Did you already have this outfit or did you buy it? I bought it, yeah. Through my own hair. I just didn't wax for a few weeks. Hey, Riyadh between the lines, Red Van. I like Sherry. I miss Sherry. Okay. Here's a little joke book for Sheik, though. Thank you. All right. All right. There goes Sheik Ahmed. Over there, Sherry. Sheik Ahmed, ladies and gentlemen. All right. This show's crazy. Anything can happen, ladies and gentlemen. Bye, Sherry. You looked at me like, what do we do? I was like, it's your show, bro. You got this. I don't know. I was really confused. I'm confused. I don't want to touch it.

1:46:44Brian Redban:She's a funny lady. She's a funny lady. But whatever that was, I mean, hey, what are you going to do? Well, you know, sometimes spectacle is rewarded. She took a big swing on a big platform. Big swing. Yeah. She comes back. Big swing. She comes back better. Your final bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Anthony Walton, everybody. Here we go. Anthony Walton. It's a real show. Anything can happen.

1:47:15Howdy! Howdy! I just moved out of my parents' house for the third time in my life.

1:47:25It's great because I had to go outside every time I wanted to masturbate. Let me tell you something, jerking off in a car really sucks. Especially when you don't own one. It's a whole lot of door jangling, you know? It's a whole new meaning to carjacking.

1:47:50Are y 'all familiar with Clifford? Yeah, hell yeah. We got some readers here in the mothership. It's a good thing he was neutered, right? Can you imagine his big red balls just swinging?

1:48:11Destroying cities? That would have been catastrophic. I just lost my father recently.

1:48:22Don't worry, we found him. He was just in the next room dead. Fuck yeah, Anthony Walton.

1:48:32Brian Redban:You've been on this show before. Numerous times. My third time at the mothership. It's been a year. Yeah. Awesome. Much better than ever before, correct? That said. Yeah, it's, you know, they've all been solid, so they've been... Oh, wow, okay. I guess we remember them differently, Anthony. Let's go to the tape, Tony. This time I'm, like, way less nervous, and I'm, like, I'm fucking ready. Yeah, that's it. So you agree that this was the best set. Yeah, for sure. Very good. There you go. All right. Even though they've all been solid. This is Dead Parent Night on Kill Tony. Is it really true? Did you really lose your father?

1:49:11Yeah, so yesterday it was three years. since he passed.

1:49:16Brian Redban:What happened to him three years ago? A heart attack. He was like 80. Oh, okay. Like 84. He was ready to go. Cool. Awesome. How do you know if he was ready to go? Because one time he was like going out and my mom resuscitated him and he was like, damn. Get your hands off me, bitch. I want my 72 virgins. Wait, that was the last guy. Incredible. So Anthony it's been a year since you've been on the show. What's been going on with your life? What have you been up to? Oh, man it's been roller coaster like Breakups and then getting back together and then breaking up and then now it's just like I went through like a depression phase Where I was just like the world's dark.

1:50:01I don't want to make people laugh and do comedy But then I was like I fucking love this shit. So like and making people laughs. I got back to it and my fucking car broke down and then I got a new car. I don't know, just up and down.

1:50:19Brian Redban:So let's talk about it. Let's start with this girlfriend that kept breaking up with you. Why were you guys breaking up? What was the problem? It was just long distance, basically. Where's she at? Back in Denton, where I'm from, so like three hours away and stuff. Three hours away. I made the drive today. it was very easy. It was just like complicated and shit. Tell us about it. What do you mean it was complicated? I don't want to put her business out there. I mean, this is the show that you're on. This is the life that you chose. What would your dad want? Cheech or Chong?

1:50:59So she was also married.

1:51:02Brian Redban:Oh, there you go. See, that's great compelling stuff. But like, They were polyamorous. Ah. Slid in and stuff. A lot of oohs and alls. Oh, yeah. So, did he know about you? Yeah, yeah, we're cool. Okay. He was cool with some fucking Eskimo banging his wife? Well, he was also Latino and shit, so like... Okay. Hey, the roadie's here to fuck you, honey. I'll be in my Oculus. Let me know. Yeah. Let me know when he's done. I'll get the towel. Yeah. Have fun with bloated Dave Grohl. Yeah. Bloated Dave Grohl. Just say Stuck by B's. The food fighter.

1:51:52Oh, my God. So just anyone can get laid now, dude. Yeah. Cool. You got to get a divorce, Sam. No, I love my wife very much. She's very pretty. But it's just, it's flummoxing looking at the data set that I've aggregated this evening.

1:52:12Brian Redban:That's all. You're about to say something there. What are you going to say? I'll just say like another literally shitty thing. I had like a wonderful Thanksgiving and then it just ended horribly with just me shitting myself in my car. You shit yourself in the car. Yeah, so like. Take us through this moment. So I got invited to this wonderful Friendsgiving comics, socializing, ate shrooms, ate food, like wonderful time. Something I wish I knew was if you eat a fuck ton of cranberries, it works as a laxative. And I wish I knew this before because I was also a little drunk just eating these cranberries, telling people, eat these cranberries.

1:53:01They're delicious. You're on shrooms.

1:53:04Brian Redban:You're a little tipsy. Yeah, well, this was like after I came down from the shrooms. Oh, okay. And then I was just popping them like a pill popper pops pills, just telling people they're healthy for you. They're good. Yeah. And then I was like, I got to go. And I was walking outside of my car. So it was your car. Yes. Okay. And I turned around and I was like, fuck. I was like, if I go back, they're going to know. and I should have just been an adult and shit in his house. Yeah, by the way, the shrooms had not worn off yet. Yeah. Just to let you know. They're all gonna know I shit. Yeah. If I go back in, they're all...

1:53:38Brian Redban:I have to kill them all. I ate all the cranberries. That was weird enough. Now I'm back to shit. Fuck. Fuck. Torch it. I was telling them that cranberries are healthy. They probably fucking knew that, didn't they? Everyone fucking knows that. My dad is dead. I thought I had discovered cranberries. I thought I was the first. You guys tried these cranberries? They're covered in sugar. They're fucking delicious. Wow. So there you are. You're walking to your car from Thanksgiving. Is this your family's Thanksgiving? No. My friend Spencer Boone invited me to his other friend. Wow. Name drop. Shout out Spencer with the shit your pants cranberries.

1:54:22Brian Redban:Amazing. Yeah. So like, so I didn't go home for the holidays. and then I was just like, I can make it. And I made it to a 7-Eleven but they were fucking cleaning it and they wouldn't let me use the restroom. I was like, please, I'm gonna shit myself. They're like, no. Is that what they sounded like at 7-Eleven? He was like, no. It's a lady, she's cleaning it. And I was like, they won't let you, she'll get mad. And I was just like, fuck this. Bro, they lied for sure. They saw you come in Thanksgiving pie-eyed covered in cranberry juice. You waddle in. That lady fucking dove for the mop bucket. She's like, there was a flood.

1:55:04Tell them Seeger's here. On the road again. So I was going to take a shit behind the 7-Eleven. Revenge. But there was a fucking cop car chilling, so I was like, I can't get a ticket for this. And then I was driving and I saw Circle K, but then it was too late. It just let go.

1:55:24Brian Redban:It was like saw a circle you drove by a circle K in your car No, like as soon as I saw it I turned and saw it and that's when it happened. Yeah You started crying you go and it was like the first few seconds felt fucking incredible. It's like yeah See that's what they don't tell you about shit in your pants. I back that you got a power you drop a deuce in your pants Yeah, what there's a few seconds before the shame obstacle before the shame just takes over and then i still have your pants you're like i'm the smartest man alive out of that your veins are killing you and then i just need the restroom and then i still had 30 minutes to drive back home it got cold and then it just went two more I was like, it's already too late, so I just shit myself two more times.

1:56:27Wow! Wow!

1:56:34They'll never know. You've done it again.

1:56:43Brian Redban:What kind of car do you have? 2015 Honda Civic. Okay. What color's the interior? Well, before. Black? Okay, so you're safe. But, like, the thing, it was like, this is the second time as an adult I shit myself. Oh. And the second car I ever owned, I was like, this is fucked. And then, and then I had to, like, piss, so I grabbed a bottle, but it... What's the point? Yeah, it just... Everywhere. You're wearing the diaper. Fill it up. Yeah, dude. But then... What? I made it home, but I live in the third floor, so I just had to waddle up. You pissed in a bottle with your pants full of shit. Yeah. You are putting on airs, man.

1:57:37Brian Redban:That's like taking off your shoes at a hotel room. Yeah. It's pointless. Did you tuck your pants into your sock so it doesn't fall out? No. Good question from a professional pants. Leaving tracks. Pro tip from shit your pants legend, Brian Redband. Tuck your pant legs into your socks so that it doesn't fall out in your hallway of your apartment building. Get on your kicks. That's a veteran move. Yes. The black belt of brown belts. Brian Redband. The sultan of shit. The prince of poop. Yeah, it was a fucking mess. It was everywhere. It looked like blood, right? Because of the cranberries? What kind of pants were they?

1:58:27Brian Redban:Were they jeans? Were they... Please tell me they were khakis. Please. So... Wait a second. Don't let your eyes light up. Those are the pants? Oh my god! Ladies and gentlemen, what a legend! You are an icon! This is Kill Tony! Wow! Wow.

1:58:54I'm for sure keeping the pants. I'm not made of money. Wow. I just washed them like three times. Wow. These were the shoes, not the socks. These weren't the socks or underwear. Wow.

1:59:08Brian Redban:You are a legend, Anthony Walton. Absolutely incredible. One of the greatest interviews of the night. Anthony Walton, everybody. There he goes. That is how you shit your pants. If you're going to shit your pants, you fucking multiple times.

1:59:28Brian Redban:In multiple places. He shit his pants in different area codes. Wow. My goodness. All right. He might be shitting his pants right now, ladies and gentlemen. This is a new move. There he goes. Anthony Walton, everybody. Wow. There he goes. He's still going, everybody. He's still there. He's still there, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. All right, what an episode this has been. Did you guys have fun tonight? Well, I got news for you. There's just one person left, and it's the only guy that could possibly close a show like this. He has the record for all-time appearances on the show, all-time interviews.

2:00:06Brian Redban:He's a living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Ladies and gentlemen, some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery.

2:00:28Yikes, that was kind of gross about that guy. Mattel Toy Company has just come out with an autistic version of Barbie, and luckily this version still has those great tits.

2:00:43okay this next joke is for the ladies

2:00:49you're like hey if they don't have monistat one just get monistat three uh yeah that's like saying hey if the video store doesn't have godfather part one just rent godfather part three are you kidding me one of those is a pharmaceutical masterpiece and the other one uh it has its flaws Okay, all the ladies are laughing at that one out there. That was it. Somebody was telling me how much ice was in Minnesota, and I was like, yeah, it's January, you dumbass.

2:01:28This weekend I got a new Mercedes in Mario Kart! If you get hit by a green shell, it costs twice as many coins. The mechanic said it's the German design. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony.

2:01:46Brian Redban:William lights out. Montgomery has arrived back on his royal throne of kills. It's been a while. It seems like it's been a little while, Tony. No doubt about it. It's been a while. And I'm still not rowing, and I've discovered, I almost feel like I don't even need to tell you, I've discovered this new type of video game that I've, Tony, I think it may be a retarded person or like a little child. I've been playing like these games that are like for little kids, I think, but I play them all day long, Tony. Tell us about it. Well, I've been playing something called Nuclear Gladiator 3000. I played it for three days the other day straight.

2:02:26I'm not even kidding, three days straight. You're basically looking down at the map and you're this little person and you're shooting all the little characters around you and you're slowly upgrading your stuff. Sounds sick. Yeah, it's so fun. But doing that, I've been neglecting the row machines and I got to figure it all out, Tony. I'm not doing great at the beginning of this new year, so I got to figure it out.

2:02:47Brian Redban:Why do you think this is all happening? Why do you think you've kind of stopped working out and leaning on video games all of a sudden? I don't know, Tony. There's a problem. I have some sort of problem in my head, I think. i mean i'll be okay but i oh yeah you're agreeing with that one red band nobody else did oh why did you agree with oh you think so what's wrong with me then red band what do you think well the game you're playing is not called nuclear galaxy man 3000 or whatever you said yeah nuclear gladiator 3000. it's called vampire hunter or something right yeah that's another one vampire hunters that's another fun one this is great thanks for throwing a wrench into that tony's already been hating your ass tonight i've been hating your ass tonight anytime we take a little vacation like we He comes back just terrible and needs a complete reset.

2:03:34Brian Redban:Timing's off, interrupting stories, asking absolutely the dumbest questions ever. But that's my buddy. This is my little... Everybody likes that. This is my little buddy, everybody. Ugh. Anyway. Are you doing okay with the passing of Bob Weir? Yes, it's very... Yes, rest in peace to Bob Weir. That was a big deal for you, right? Yeah, I think... I assume it's based on how you look all the time. Yeah, no, I always was a bigger fan. I think I'm going to be more devastated when the guy from Blues Traveler passes on. Hey, man, people keep sending me pictures.

2:04:11I look like that guy before and after and it sucks. Yeah, you're looking good. You've lost a bunch of weight. Thanks, man. Yeah. You look cool, too. I'm just so happy for you. Thank you. Hey, two friends, you know, I'm stoked. Incredible. But yeah, Tony, I'll figure it out. I just got to... Jim Breuer, what do you think? It reminds me of, no disrespect, when I see you, I feel like Ron Howard. Howard's like the one brother no one knows about, is really angry. I've got way more talent than Rodney.

2:04:47Brian Redban:I'm the one that was a real director. I'm just saying. Remember Gallagher? And you're like, who's this guy's Gallagher too? Are you serious? Just, sit out right now. You look like Clint Howard. Yeah, Clint Howard. Clint Howard. Yeah. All right, that one duck liked the joke. Good. Yeah. he's a real pretty daughter i think if i was in that situation i'd be yeah talking to her or something in the film yeah exactly so william we've been off for a couple weeks other than the video did some idiot say oh my god because it was really funny or why did some idiot say oh my god right there what did you not fucking hear me i have not been feeling good recently and then i hear some dumbass and some kind of moment of weirdness right there say oh my god i hope that was a nice oh my god seriously i've been on the edge for the past number of days i'm not even kidding so i there was a nice oh my god i'm not kidding william what would you do what would the idiot say it was and not what would you do if i surprised you by putting that guy in the trunk of your car tonight i would get the knife out of my pocket and i would stab him a couple of times in the stomach and then fucking wrap some chains around his hands that's what I would do.

2:06:01And then what? You'd wrap

2:06:02Brian Redban:chains around his hands. And then what would you do? Now that his hands are chained and he's bleeding from his stomach, then what would you do? I'm saying, look at you now, dumbass. And then fucking do the fucking thing down. Drive over bumps. Alright, there's nothing gay about what he's saying. Yeah, there's nothing gay about that red band. Yeah. What? Why would you chain his hands? He's already stabbed in the stomach in the trunk of your car. It's like overkill, William. Yeah, well, I do overkill when I'm mad, and I'm mad right now. Oh, I'm sorry. I love you. Wow. Is that from Poltergeist 6?

2:06:43Brian Redban:What was that? What do you think would bring you some joy, William? I don't know. I need to get back on the row machine. I have to start exercising. Have you been doing any puzzles? I hit seven, and now I've hit a wall. I would like to start another one. I have a bunch of them. I've been buying them on eBay, and there's a couple of very nice vintage ones i've got and i'm like i'm just putting this one up on my dresser i'm not even opening this one up because it has the original like price tag on it i have a couple of those okay so yeah hoarding real hoarding is entered your i have 20 puzzles right now oh my goodness what are they of specific type of puzzle that you're buying well the next one i think we're gonna do is baby jesus it's fucking uh small puzzle that'll be joseph yeah it's a thousand piece it's the manger scene i think we're gonna do that one even though it's past christmas but i think that's the next one nothing better than a manger scene late january yep that's what i'm thinking almost almost my birthday i'm almost 39 toady wow next monday when's your birthday january 26th wow gretzky's birthday amazing i know i'll never forget it thank Thank you.

2:07:56You quit rowing? Yeah. You were having so much fun. I was having so much fun. I'm very self-destructive. So I know it's really good for me, but then I really love deep down, it's some sick kind of way I like hurting myself. So that's what I've been doing recently. Well, it just looks like you came here in a row boat. You look like an ancient mariner. I thought it'd be easy for you. I know, me too. I'll start doing it again. I almost went today and then I didn't. Do you wear the Gretzky jersey when you're tying him up and killing him in the truck? Do you wear the jersey? Gretzky jersey? Yeah, fucking worth a Gretzky jersey when I'm beating his fucking ass.

2:08:29Wait, what did the fucking idiot say again? He said, oh my God, or what did he say? Yeah, you're really gonna be saying, oh my God, when I'm fucking hitting you and I got the fucking King's jersey, fucking Gretzky King's jersey. Could you even imagine that, really? Yeah. I'm beating his fucking ass in the fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get out of here.

2:08:51Brian Redban:Yeah. What would be the last thing that you would say to him as you're watching the life leave his body? Dude you ain't never gonna breathe again

2:09:05Brian Redban:Find the bunny catch him on tour Sam talent calm with two L's he's on tour as well Thank you guys so much for being here so much fun. Thank you. How about the legend Jim Brewer everybody the legend Jim Brewer No way. I was just glad to be out of my house. Come on, you guys can do better than that. The great Jim Brewer, ladies and gentlemen. Bluetooth, Shopify, Talkspace, Sokovis, the best damn band in the land. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in. Let's see what Chris drew over there. Oh, Jim Brewer. Look at that. That's you. He painted you. That's amazing. Red Band? Check out Cherry Root Beer on YouTube.

2:09:50Brian Redban:Love you guys. Yes, we love you so much. A lot of fun stuff happening. A huge announcement. A huge announcement coming tomorrow or last week. Last week. You'll see it. All right. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

2:10:43The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:11:46Outro Music

2:11:57Thank you.

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